Dr. Phil's 3 Secrets For A Happy & Successful Relationship EP 1173

My guest today is Dr. Phil McGraw. He’s one of the most well-known and trusted mental health professionals in the world, best-selling author of 9 books and the host of TV’s #1 daytime talk show, DR. PHIL.He focuses on presenting compelling stories about real people with a variety of emotional and behavioral problems, stripping away the shame and embarrassment that too often keeps people from seeking help. He continues to value his academic training and professional qualifications and insists that the information provided on his show is based on evidence-based treatment options and state-of-the-art research in the fields of psychology, psychiatry and medicine. Our conversation was so powerful that I had to split it into 2 parts! You can listen to part 1 by going to www.lewishowes.com/1172In this second episode we discuss Dr. Phil's 3 pieces of advice for a happy and successful marriage, why you need to heal yourself before getting into a new relationship, the non-negotiables in Dr. Phil's everyday marriage routine, the power and importance of making eye contact with your partner on a daily basis, and so much more! For more go to: www.lewishowes.com/1173Check out his website: www.drphil.comDaymond John on How to Close any Deal and Achieve Any Outcome: https://link.chtbl.com/928-podSara Blakely on Writing Your Billion Dollar Story: https://link.chtbl.com/893-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 1,173 with Dr. Phil McGraw on the secret to successful relationships. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:29Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back, everyone. My guest today is Dr. Phil McGraw. He is one of the most well-known and trusted mental health professionals in the world. Best-selling author of nine books and the host of TV's number one daytime talk show, Dr. Phil. He focuses on presenting compelling stories about real people with a variety of emotional and behavioral problems, stripping away the shame and embarrassment that too often keeps people from seeking help. He continues to value his academic training and professional qualifications, and insists that the information provided on his show is based on evidence-based treatment options and state-of-the-art research in the fields of psychology, psychiatry, and medicine. Our conversation was so powerful that I had to split it up into two parts,

• 1:14Lewis Howes?

  and you can listen to part one by going to lewishouse.com/1172. But in this episode, we dive deep into relationships. And Dr. Phil shares his three pieces of advice for a happy and successful marriage, why you need to heal yourself before getting into a new relationship, the non-negotiables in Dr. Phil's everyday marriage routine, the power and importance of making eye contact with your partner on a daily basis, and he shares a cool strategy here, and so much more. I thought this was so meaningful and helpful for anyone looking to get into a strong, value-based relationship, for anyone looking to stay in a long-term, healthy relationship with their partner. This has got some incredible wisdom. So if you're inspired in any moment,

• 1:58Lewis Howes?

  make sure to share this on social media or text a few friends of yours who are trying to get in a relationship or who are in relationships already that want to learn more skills and tools to help them improve the quality of their relationship. Then make sure to text a few people, post it on social media and tag myself and Dr. Phil as well. And if this is your first time here or someone sent you here via a friend of yours, then make sure to click the subscribe button right now over on Apple Podcasts or Spotify and leave us a review and tell us the part you enjoyed the most about this interview with Dr. Phil. Okay, in just a moment, the one and only Dr. Phil.

• 2:35Lewis Howes?

  I'd love to ask you some questions about relationships because you have a lot of wisdom around this. And my audience loves to hear about how to find the right partner, how to improve the quality of the relationship they have already intimately. And you've been with Robin for, how long have you been with her? Almost 40? Is it 40?

• 2:54Speaker 01

  We just had our 45th anniversary on August 14th.

• 2:59Lewis Howes?

  Wow, 45 year anniversary. How long have you been with her?

• 3:02Speaker 01

  About 50 years.

• 3:03Lewis Howes?

  50 years?

• 3:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, just 48, 49, somewhere in there, but almost 50 years. We've been married 45.

• 3:09Lewis Howes?

  So when did you, and you were married before, correct?

• 3:12Speaker 01

  Very short time, my high school sweetheart for a very short time. And we, we had the good sense before we had kids or anything to say, we weren't ready to do this. We were just married for literally a few months.

• 3:26Lewis Howes?

  What was, what would you say the biggest lessons around that relationship? That helped you now and over the last 50 years with the right relationship?

• 3:36Speaker 01

  Well, you know, I was, you mean the first one?

• 3:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:40Speaker 01

  Well, you know, we were high school kids.

• 3:43Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, right.

• 3:44Speaker 01

  I was proud of both of us for having the good sense before we had children to look at each other and say, we did this because it was the next thing to do.

• 3:56Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 3:57Speaker 01

  And neither one of us were ready to do it. And, you know, without any animosity, we said, We're not ready to do this.

• 4:06Lewis Howes?

  That's hard to do without animosity.

• 4:07Speaker 01

  And there really wasn't any.

• 4:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 4:09Speaker 01

  And she was a delightful, absolutely delightful woman. Girl at the time.

• 4:16Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 4:18Speaker 01

  Just really a delightful girl. And I was proud that we had the good sense to say, let's take a step back from this and give ourselves a chance to get into our lives and college and all of that.

• 4:32Lewis Howes?

  You got married before in college or?

• 4:34Speaker 01

  Yes, in college.

• 4:35Lewis Howes?

  That's tough.

• 4:36Speaker 01

  Sort of. We were barely into college. It was right after, yeah.

• 4:39Lewis Howes?

  I mean, we don't even really know who we are until, how old do you think that we kind of form our real identity?

• 4:46Speaker 01

  You know, it's, I think until you've been out and seen some of the world and had jobs and changed locations and gotten away from home and family and been on your own, where you've really found out who you are and what you're about, it's hard to know who you are entering into a relationship.

• 5:14Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  And that takes some time. And, you know, when Robin and I got married, it was in 1976.

• 5:25Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 5:26Speaker 01

  And I had finished my bachelor's degree and master's degree. And I had, you know, been out and been in business and lived on my own and completed two degrees in college. And at that point, I felt like I knew, you know, a little bit about life and knew who I was coming into a relationship.

• 5:45Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 5:47Speaker 01

  She always knew who she was. She was so much mature than I was going into it. It was astounding. And, you know, 45 years later, we get along great.

• 6:02Lewis Howes?

  That's crazy.

• 6:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, in this town, it's really crazy.

• 6:06Lewis Howes?

  Really crazy. When did you know that she was gonna be your partner, your wife, your, you know, person in your life?

• 6:14Speaker 01

  You know, I was not at all looking to get into a relationship when I met her.

• 6:22Speaker 01

  I was actually just visiting my parents. And she was a friend of my little sister's and she came. I'd had the flu and was kinda stopped over there to kinda recuperate and she came walking through the room. I didn't even know she was in the house. And she came walking through the room. She was there visiting my little sister and I went, whoa.

• 6:46Lewis Howes?

  How old are you at this time?

• 6:47Speaker 01

  Uh, I was twenty-three.

• 6:50Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 6:51Speaker 01

  And twenty-two, twenty-three, and she was nineteen. And, uh, and I very charmingly said, who are you?

• 7:03Speaker 01

  And she said, well, who are you? And we were there alone and visited for a couple of hours and went out the next night and man, there was something about her from the very beginning.

• 7:16Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 7:17Speaker 01

  It just, there was something different about her. From the minute I met her, she was, you know, spunky and smart. And, uh, obviously very easy on the eyes and, but her personality just sparkled like crazy and still does today. I can't, I can't spend enough time with her.

• 7:40Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 7:41Speaker 01

  After forty-five years, isn't that crazy?

• 7:43Lewis Howes?

  Amazing.

• 7:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:44Lewis Howes?

  What is the thing you love about your wife the most?

• 7:47Speaker 01

  Her, her, her personality. She has, it's kinda like when we decided.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  I always had a rule in the family that if we were gonna make a big change, it took four yeses and one no. So I had two boys and then Rob and I, so we're gonna make a big change, it took four yeses and one no, even though Jordan at the time was like 10, 12, whatever, if we were gonna make a change, if anybody said no, don't wanna do it, uh, we'd not do it. So I remember when I came home and we talked about coming to LA and launching Dr. Phil. Um, I'm telling Rob, and I said, you know, I talked to Oprah today, and she says, you know, it's really time to watch your own show. You, we're getting an awful lot of mail, come on, you know, it's, uh,

• 8:35Speaker 01

  it's, it's really time. I'm telling her that. While I'm telling her, she's like getting boxes and packing shit. It's like, she's got the spirit of adventure, it's like, whatever. She's already packing. Yeah, we had a great life, and we have a beautiful home on the golf course at Los Colinas in Dallas at the Four Seasons, wonderful life, couldn't be better. Kids are at Wisconsin School, everything's going great. She's like, oh, really? Packing. While we're talking. Really? Like, whatever, man. She's just like, it's spirit of adventure, always. And, uh, I, I, I love that about her. And, uh, she is fiercely loyal. Uh, you don't wanna criticize her husband or kids.

• 9:21Speaker 01

  She would not be fun to be around. She's 5'2" and 108, but you do not wanna, you don't wanna pick a fight Wow. with her about husband and kids. She's a, uh, she's ferocious. And I love that about her. Wow. And she's, she's a lot of fun. She got a great sense of humor. And, um, yeah, she's a small-town girl from Duncan, Oklahoma. Wow. You ever been to Duncan, Oklahoma? Never. Yeah, well, it ain't there, and it ain't headed that way. It's a metal, you go another 10 miles and fall off the earth.

• 9:54Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:54Speaker 01

  It's in the middle of nowhere. And she grew up poor like I did. Her dad had a driving range and her job was to, they didn't have a ball picker upper. She was the ball picker upper. She had to go out with a bucket and pick up the balls.

• 10:07Lewis Howes?

  They didn't have the cart with the fence.

• 10:09Speaker 01

  No, that was her.

• 10:10Lewis Howes?

  She was picking it up like dodging balls.

• 10:13Speaker 01

  Kaylin would wear a football helmet if they were still hitting.

• 10:15Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 10:16Speaker 01

  That was her. So she's a

• 10:18Lewis Howes?

  Spirit of adventure. I love that.

• 10:19Speaker 01

  Pretty scrappy.

• 10:21Lewis Howes?

  What, um, I think I saw her in a video somewhere with you a few years ago say that she's never missed an episode of Dr. Phil's show. This was a few, I don't know if this is still the case, 20 years, 20 years in.

• 10:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:35Lewis Howes?

  3500 episodes almost?

• 10:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, we'll hit 3500 this season.

• 10:39Lewis Howes?

  She's never missed one?

• 10:40Speaker 01

  Never missed one.

• 10:42Lewis Howes?

  Oh my goodness.

• 10:43Speaker 01

  And, you know, she's not just the proverbial audience member. She is one of the foremost ambassadors in the fight against domestic violence in America. She's become our representative in that. And she's testified before Congress on those matters. She's developed an app for escaping those situations. It's been honored at the United Nations and on Capitol Hill. I mean, she is very, very prolific in that arena, has a foundation in that regard. She's very, very active in that. She's a go-getter.

• 11:23Lewis Howes?

  That's amazing.

• 11:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 11:25Lewis Howes?

  What would you, I'm curious, your three pieces of advice for having a happy, healthy, long marriage? Cause a lot of people that stay together a long time, but they're not happy and it's not healthy. And I feel like they still say, well, we've been together for 30 years, but the kids know that they should've got divorced a long time ago. So what would you say are your three pieces of advice for a happy, healthy, long-term marriage? That makes you say, I can't spend enough time with her? And then what would you say is Robin's three pieces of advice? Is it the same or is it different?

• 11:57Speaker 01

  Well, I can speculate about hers, but I think one that we share, um, I, I know because we've talked about it, and that is, you, you, you deal with the issues when they come up.

• 12:12Lewis Howes?

  Don't wait, don't wait for them, yeah.

• 12:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, people, you know, we, people ask us, you know, do we have, you know, you know, big fights and blowups and stuff like that, and the answer is, we don't, because we deal with stuff before it gets big. It doesn't mean we don't have disagreements, because we certainly do. Um, and, uh, but we don't let things build up across time. We, we don't procrastinate emotionally, we deal with it when it comes up. And, um, I, I think if you, if you don't ever allow for unfinished emotional business, then you always keep

• 12:57Speaker 01

  the, the slate clean. Don't ever let there be unfinished emotional business, because then it builds up, and then one thing stacks on top of another, and then on another, and then on another, and resentment really builds out of that.

• 13:11Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 13:12Speaker 01

  We, we made a deal early on that we weren't gonna do that.

• 13:16Lewis Howes?

  So you guys have probably never really resented each other, because you've always dealt with the emo- the challenging stuff when it comes?

• 13:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, you know, maybe in the moment, you, I might've said something where she resented me saying it, but we dealt with it right then, and then it was over with. Um, and so I, I, I think that's critically important.

• 13:38Lewis Howes?

  Wow, okay.

• 13:40Speaker 01

  Um, if, I, I think if people would really commit to doing that, I, I think it would make a, a huge, huge difference.

• 13:50Lewis Howes?

  What's a way to approach that? By starting the conversation, if someone, if the other partner is always triggered by the emotional stress, or maybe there's some trauma they haven't healed yet, or dealt with, where they resist it, or they just try to lie, like, how do you, how do you approach that conversation?

• 14:08Speaker 01

  Well, I think the thing to do is you have to talk about that outside of crisis. You don't talk about it when something has gone off in the ditch. You never talk to a drunk about their drinking while they're drunk. Talk about it while they're sober. You don't talk about issues and resentment while you're angry with each other. Talk about it while things are calm. And most people think, no, no, no, let sleeping dogs lie. I don't want to bring up an issue when there isn't one. No, that's when you need to talk about it. That's when you need to say, look, while we're getting along, let's make an agreement that if I do something that really gets on your nerves,

• 14:48Speaker 01

  you will tell me, and I promise to you that I will hear you out. And that's the time to talk about it. Don't try to solve problems during crisis. Make your plan outside of crisis. And I think that's really important. And I think, secondly, we have agreed that our objective, when we disagree, is not to get the other person to agree with us, but to be heard. But, in fact, you don't even need to respond. I'm gonna tell you how I feel, and you tell me how you feel, and then we'll just walk

• 15:32Speaker 01

  away and let that sit with the other person. And you know what? If you really love each other, and you really want to make the other person happy, most of the time, you will find a way to get the other person most of what they want. But if your goal is, I'm gonna, you're gonna agree with me, I'm gonna, I'm gonna make my point, and you're gonna agree with me, then you're making it a win-lose situation. And think about that.

• 16:01Speaker 01

  Think about when you were in high school and you were playing, uh, the Lancers. What were the signs in the hallway? Crush the Lancers. You'll smash the Lancers. Do you really want a win-lose situation with your partner?

• 16:15Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  Crush my wife, smash my wife. You don't want a win-lose situation. Well, I want to, let me tell you how I feel. And I, I just want to be heard. I'll hear what you say and I'll, I'll let you be heard. And then let's drop it at that. And, and then we, we can come together and talk about it another time. If that's your objective to be heard, it, it will work itself out. And that has really worked for us. We don't put it on a win-lose situation.

• 16:51Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 16:51Speaker 01

  Cause if it's a win-lose, one of us is going to be the loser. And I don't want to be the loser and I don't want to be married to a loser.

• 16:58Lewis Howes?

  Right. You don't want to be winning and then your partner losing every time. Yeah.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  Yeah. Cause if she's a loser, that's where resentment comes from.

• 17:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Okay. So that's number two, right?

• 17:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. That's number two. And I, I think if people will, and that's a hard thing to do.

• 17:13Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 17:14Speaker 01

  That's really a hard thing to do because we want to win. We want to make our point and we.

• 17:19Lewis Howes?

  We want to be right?

• 17:20Speaker 01

  Yeah. We, we do get to be right fighters and, and we, we want to right, we want to be right. And the other thing is, I, I think we really have to resolve that if somebody has to stop being all of who they are to be half of a couple, the price is too high.

• 17:43Lewis Howes?

  Oh my gosh, that's the greatest thing you said. Because so many people are inauthentic in their relationships.

• 17:48Speaker 01

  This doesn't work. If I gotta stop being who I am to be half of the McGraw's.

• 17:55Lewis Howes?

  Oh.

• 17:56Speaker 01

  It isn't gonna work. And if she's gotta stop being who she is to be half of the McGraw couple, it's not gonna work. I've I've told her before, cause she said, I wish you would be more sensitive. And I'm like, nah, you really don't. Wow. You really don't. Wow. You think you do, but you really don't. Cause you know what? You didn't marry a cheerleader. You married the middle linebacker. Right, right, right. And not that there's anything wrong with a cheerleader. Mm hmm. And I mean that. I'm not, I'm not saying that to be politically correct. There's nothing wrong with a guy that is more effeminate or more emotionally sensitive.

• 18:41Speaker 01

  Uh, at all. There's not. But that's not what attracted you to me. Right. And if I became that, that's not who you married. And had I been that and then I became more of a, of a gorilla, that wouldn't be who you married. You married me and there's a reason you did. You felt safe with me or there was something about me that, that you were attracted to. Don't try to change it now. Mm hmm. And there have been times where

• 19:21Speaker 01

  things went off the rails somewhere and I stood in the gap and she was like, yeah, I'm sure glad you are who you are. Right, yeah. Cause there've been times where we've been in situations where I, I needed to step up and be who I was. And she was like, man, I'm glad I married you. I'm glad you're the linebacker. Yeah, exactly. And I, I'm like, yeah, okay. But that doesn't mean that you can't evolve across time. Yes. And I, I think I've, I've learned to be more, less cerebral and more emotional across time. Mm hmm.

• 19:59Speaker 01

  Uh, but you, you, you can't ask somebody to stop being all of who they are to be half of the couple. And what happens if your partner starts asking you to change? Well.

• 20:13Lewis Howes?

  As opposed to accepting kind of where you're at?

• 20:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, like, I have a range.

• 20:18Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  Okay, there are, there's a range where, you know, I'm over here in full Cro-Magnon mode. And then there's a range down here where, you know, I can hold a baby and.

• 20:32Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 20:33Speaker 01

  I remember Jay had to have surgery when he was four weeks old and I was on staff at that hospital and so they allowed me to carry him into the operation room.

• 20:42Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 20:43Speaker 01

  And, you know, she'll never forget that image of seeing me walk down the hallway with his little head right here and he was kind of crying and I was carrying him in there and she said that was probably the most tender scene she's ever seen in her life. You know, that was at this end down here. So, you know, you have a range in there. And so, yeah, you can move within that range, that's okay, but that is who I am. You can move within that range, but you don't ask somebody to be somebody they're not. She'll ask me sometimes, something like really great will happen. And she'll say, come on, give me something. Give me a happy dance, give me something. I'm not the kind of person that jumps up and down and goes, hey!

• 21:26Speaker 01

  But inside, I might be going, yes, this is really great. And it's a great sense of satisfaction to me, but I don't jump up and down and run around in circles. And, you know, she'll jokingly say, come on, give me something. And I'll say, I'm very happy about this. She'll say, okay, that's good for you.

• 21:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. She's dancing around and jumping on couches.

• 21:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly. And, you know, my highs don't go real high, my lows don't go real low, and maybe that's boring.

• 21:59Lewis Howes?

  You're like Tom Brady, you know, you're just like, you're consistent.

• 22:01Speaker 01

  Um, that's all I have in common with Tom Brady. But, you know, I'm not real, I'm more cerebral than emotional, but inside, I've, you know, I've experienced, I'm very happy about it, but I don't, I don't run around with my hair on fire.

• 22:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 22:19Speaker 01

  Which is good, so I don't have much of that.

• 22:21Lewis Howes?

  And what would you say are the, the three things that, that Robin would say are the keys to a happy, healthy, long, long-term, thriving marriage or partnership?

• 22:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, I, I think she would say, first off, spending quality time together. I think she really values that.

• 22:42Speaker 01

  Quality, quality time and I think she thinks there's just no substitute for that. And by quality time, I mean intimacy. Hmm. Where intimacy being defined is sharing things that you would not share with anybody else on the world, in this world. Hmm, can you give an example of? Well, you know, there are times that she and I spend together, just maybe out on the patio, relaxed and talking where, you know, I have, you know, my guard down, she

• 23:22Speaker 01

  has hers down where we're just completely relaxed. We're not on, we're not in any way. It's not business mode, it's not TV, Phil, it's not this. We're not censoring anything, we're just completely relaxed and a hundred percent candid with each other, talking about, you know, life or family or dreams or whatever, things that we just wouldn't share with anybody else. Yeah. And I, I think that's really important to her, that there are things that we would say to each other that we wouldn't say to anybody else because we don't feel safe enough to say it to anybody else.

• 24:07Speaker 01

  Wow. And to me, that's intimacy when you, you, you say and do things with that person that you wouldn't say or do with any other person in the world. Not your best friend, not your sister, not your brother, but it's just reserved for that, it has nothing to do with, with romance or sexuality or anything, it has to do with just trust and, and that uniqueness of that one relationship where it would not happen with another person in the world. Right. And I think she really values that, I know that because she's said so. Yeah. And, um, I think, so when I say quality time, that's. Intimacy time. Yeah, that's what that means.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  Okay, and what do you think would be her number two? Having each other's back no matter what. Even if the person's wrong? Even if the person's wrong, and that doesn't mean that privately you might not say.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  You know, we might modify this situation, but publicly or otherwise, that there's never a doubt where you stand.

• 25:20Lewis Howes?

  What happens if you don't, even for a slight little moment, don't have that person's back in a public or friend setting, let's say?

• 25:29Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 25:30Lewis Howes?

  You've never experienced it?

• 25:32Speaker 01

  I'm not gonna find out.

• 25:33Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 25:35Speaker 01

  I just, I just, and I've never experienced that with Robin. Because, that's why I told you a minute ago, you don't want to pick a fight with her by getting sideways with her husband or children.

• 25:49Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 25:51Speaker 01

  Because, that's, to her, there's family and everybody else. And, that's, that's really core with her. And if you've been, if you've been raised by an alcoholic, then you understand what I'm talking about. Because when you've been raised by an alcoholic, you, you learn that you can't depend on the leader of the family to be there. And when you become the leader of the family, you say, "That will never happen in my family. Not one minute of one hour of one day will any member of my family ever doubt where I stand."

• 26:33Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 26:34Speaker 01

  And that is core to her soul.

• 26:37Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful.

• 26:38Speaker 01

  That is core to her soul. That will never happen.

• 26:40Lewis Howes?

  That is beautiful.

• 26:42Speaker 01

  She's been where they've banged on her door at three in the morning with a bunch of drunk men out there saying her father lost their furniture in a poker game. And they pulled up in a truck and wanted their furniture.

• 26:58Speaker 01

  And she seen her mother stand on the porch saying, "You're not taking our furniture." Wow. Even if he was wrong, she's not, yeah. "You're not taking our furniture." Her mother stood in the gap and said, "You're not taking our furniture. You're not taking my daughter's bed." And, you know, she knows what it is to stand by your family. And that's, that's critical to her. That's, that's core to her. Seems like an amazing woman. Yeah, she is. That's why I said, "You don't want to get on the wrong side of her." And what would you say the third thing is that she would say, you think?

• 27:36Speaker 01

  I, I think she would say that you absolutely recognize that children,

• 27:47Speaker 01

  I'll put it this way, when you start being parents, you don't stop being wives, husbands, and lovers. Mm-hmm. Just because you start being parents, you don't stop being husbands and wives. And she has been so great about that over the years. The children joined our lives. We didn't join theirs. Wow. What is the mistake most people make when they have kids? Well, they really stop focusing on their role as husband or wife. And they start being totally focused on the kids and they stop carving out time for each other. Now, there are gonna be times when you do, like when the children are really young and you're up all night.

• 28:32Speaker 01

  Right. You're breastfeeding or changing diapers or, you know, dad's getting up every other minute or mom's up every minute. And you're surviving those times. I'm talking about across the years. You, you recognize that those kids come and then they go. Mm-hmm. And when they go, it's the two of you there. And if you haven't known each other for the last 18 years, when they leave, you're gonna be sitting there looking at somebody you used to know. Oh. And you don't want that to happen. If you were really great lovers and intimate and and best friends eighteen years ago. And you haven't been for the last eighteen years and then they go off to college.

• 29:17Speaker 01

  You're sitting there looking at somebody like, didn't I used to know you?

• 29:19Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 29:21Speaker 01

  And she, I think she would say, you just don't ever make that mistake. Don't ever let that gap come in there. Now, in short term, of course.

• 29:31Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 29:32Speaker 01

  You you sacrifice for your children whatever it takes for them to flourish and be nurtured and do what you take. But across time, across the years, you remember to nurture that relationship between the husband and wife. You remember that they're gonna leave someday and it's gonna be the two of you. Take care of that relationship so when they leave, you're not sitting there with a stranger.

• 30:00Lewis Howes?

  Some wisdom right there. Some wisdom right there.

• 30:03Speaker 01

  She's talked about that before. That's how I know she would say that.

• 30:06Lewis Howes?

  Right. I'm curious, it seems like

• 30:11Lewis Howes?

  in this time, it seems like this, maybe because I'm in LA, I see more of it like this, that it's really hard to find a quality partner. Uh, that's a great match for you in general, in the US I'm speaking. It's hard for people to find a great partner and stay in a healthy relationship. I've heard people say that, you know, eighty percent of being in a great relationship is picking the right person, is choosing the right person. I'm not sure if you would agree with that. But why do you think it's so hard for people to choose the right partner? When we're always choosing something from a pain or from a need or a lack as opposed to a healthy, conscious whole place?

• 30:51Speaker 01

  Well, I I think it is. You gotta know what you're looking for. And I I think. You know, so many people, there's a difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now. You know, Mrs. Right and Mrs. Right Now. It's what is it you're, what is it you're looking for? And I, I, I think we have to know ourselves to know what we, you know, what we really need. And, you know, sometimes if, if we don't really know what's driving us, you know, it may be insecurity and, and we bring out the worst in each other.

• 31:31Speaker 01

  I see people all the time on stage where you've got somebody that's really dependent with somebody that's really over-controlling and they bring out the worst in each other and they think it's a perfect fit. Oh, we just fit like hand in glove. Because she was very passive and he was very dominant and so it just seemed like, wow, what a perfect match. It wasn't a perfect match at all. It was pathological from the get-go. You know, she needed to get a backbone and the last thing she needed was somebody dominant that played into her passivity. It's the worst thing they could do. You gotta know, what is it that's attracting me to this person?

• 32:13Speaker 01

  Is it a pathological need to be controlled or is it that I really admire this person? You gotta really ask yourself, what is it that's attracting me to this person? Is it somebody that makes me feel safe in the moment, but it's not really what I need? You gotta ask yourself, what's driving you in the moment? And a lot of people don't ask that question. They really need to ask that question.

• 32:36Lewis Howes?

  I mean, how do they, if someone has dealt with a lot of, I guess, trauma from their past, is it possible for them to choose a healthy relationship until they heal or start to at least work on that healing process? Or are they always gonna kind of fall into that trap?

• 32:52Speaker 01

  Well, I think you're gonna do one of two things. When you enter a relationship,

• 32:59Speaker 01

  You're either gonna contribute to or contaminate that relationship based on what you bring with you when you show up.

• 33:06Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 33:07Speaker 01

  If you bring a wounded soul, if you bring open wounds, if you bring resentments, if you bring a lot of unfinished emotional business from being cheated on or hurt or abandoned or neglected, and you bring all that pain to the relationship, you're gonna contaminate that relationship. Or if you've healed all of those things, where you come to a relationship saying, "I want but don't need a partner," now you're gonna contribute to the relationship. So I think if you are really hurt, you gotta heal that hurt before you can go into a relationship and not contaminate it.

• 33:52Speaker 01

  It's like baggage. You're gonna pick it baggage up and carry it with you and set it down in the relationship, or you're gonna empty it out before you go. And I think, that's why I think everybody, everybody should do an autopsy on the relationships they've been in.

• 34:12Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 34:13Speaker 01

  Before they go to the relationship they're headed towards.

• 34:16Lewis Howes?

  What should they be asking themselves about previous relationships?

• 34:19Speaker 01

  What did I do? What did I do to contribute to the demise of that relationship?

• 34:26Lewis Howes?

  Not blaming them, them, them, but...

• 34:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, they're gone. They ain't bringing them unless it's a really weird relationship. What did I do to contribute to the demise of this relationship? Was I too passive? Was I too domineering? Was I too suspicious? Was I too naive? Was I... What did I do? Even if you were cheated on, even if you were abused, even if you were just completely run over in the rela... What did you do to contribute to that so you don't do it again?

• 35:01Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 35:02Speaker 01

  And if you can own whatever role you had in that, so you can adjust that and not do it again, then you've got a chance of not repeating those mistakes in this new relationship. You can't do that unless you do an autopsy on the one you've been in.

• 35:21Lewis Howes?

  Sound advice right there. What about questions you should ask someone? Before you're gonna get committed to them, whether that be in a marriage or just an exclusively committed, you know, dating relationship? To know that you're setting yourself up for potentially a good relationship.

• 35:39Speaker 01

  Well, you gotta know what your deal breakers are.

• 35:41Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yeah.

• 35:42Speaker 01

  There are deal breakers, right?

• 35:44Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 35:44Speaker 01

  And, you know, you're not gonna find a perfect candidate.

• 35:48Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 35:49Speaker 01

  You know, if you, if you find an 80% candidate, and the 20% that's not there aren't deal breakers, you can grow the 20% faster than you can find it.

• 36:01Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, right.

• 36:02Speaker 01

  Cause you can say, "Well, I'm gonna wait till I find 100%." Well, no, you're better off to take the 80 and grow the 20, or 10 of the 20, or whatever it might be, as long as they aren't deal breakers. And there aren't many deal breakers. Deal breakers are like physical abuse, drug or alcohol abuse, and they won't get treatment for it, they won't have, you know, there are those things that if, if they have some of those things that are just non-negotiable, that if you were in the relationship and those things occurred, you would leave, then don't get in to start with.

• 36:39Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 36:39Speaker 01

  If there's somebody that's gonna hit you, don't get in. Cause if you were in it and they did, you would leave.

• 36:46Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 36:46Speaker 01

  So, that's a deal breaker, don't get in. But, you've gotta decide, you know, what are your deal breakers? If, if you are on this earth, Robin believed she was put on this earth to be a mother. If I was absolutely 100% committed in this life to not have children?

• 37:12Speaker 01

  That's a deal breaker.

• 37:13Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, right.

• 37:13Speaker 01

  She should know that upfront. That wasn't the case, but had it been, she would want to know that.

• 37:19Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 37:20Speaker 01

  Um, if, if her, her father was a bad alcoholic like mine and she said upfront, I, I will never marry a man that drinks.

• 37:31Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 37:32Speaker 01

  And as it turned out, um, I was committed to not being a drinker because of what my dad had demonstrated to me. And, you know, we were kind of facet in that regard because she said, you drink? Actually, I don't, I'm sorry. Cause I thought she wanted to go out drinking. Yeah, I was just telling her the truth. I'm not your guy. If you want to go clubbing, I ain't your guy.

• 37:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 37:56Speaker 01

  Uh, I thought I was giving her the wrong answer and she said, oh, okay. Little did I know that was the right answer. Um, but there, you gotta know what your deal breakers are and, you know, aside from that, you, you gotta see if there's compatibility, if it feels right. There's gotta be chemistry.

• 38:17Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 38:18Speaker 01

  There's gotta be chemistry. If there's not chemistry, you can't, you can't grow chemistry. That's there, that's, it's either there or it's not. I don't care. I don't care if he's the most handsome guy in the world or she's the most gorgeous girl in the world. If there's not chemistry, that won't grow.

• 38:36Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 38:37Speaker 01

  You'll, you'll know that right upfront.

• 38:39Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 38:40Speaker 01

  And that's the way it is for some, you know, some people, you know, you can look like James Bond and for some girls like, eh, it must be.

• 38:46Lewis Howes?

  They don't care, yeah. What would you say is a non-negotiable for you both in your marriage on a daily basis? Whether it's, we get up and say we love each other in the morning or we give each other a hug every day or a kiss, or is there like a non-negotiable? We talk about what we're grateful for every night? Is there something you guys do that is automatic to support the growth and the quality of the relationship? Something small or big? We go on a trip every, you know, I don't know.

• 39:14Speaker 01

  Well, I could say it on both sides. And, uh, this comes to my mind because I've talked about it with a couple today.

• 39:22Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 39:23Speaker 01

  In almost 50 years of being with Robin, um,

• 39:29Speaker 01

  I've never called her a name or cussed at her, nor has she ever at me.

• 39:35Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 39:36Speaker 01

  Not ever, never, ever.

• 39:38Lewis Howes?

  That's inspiring.

• 39:39Speaker 01

  Let me tell you, there are some women, and I'm talking about Robin, like she's scary and she's not.

• 39:48Lewis Howes?

  She seems like a sweetheart.

• 39:49Speaker 01

  I mean, she is. I mean, she's on my phone.

• 39:52Lewis Howes?

  She's always smiling when I see her in videos of her.

• 39:54Speaker 01

  She's just a, you know, absolute doll.

• 39:59Speaker 01

  And, you know, you can see looking there, that's not a posed picture, it's just her in the back of the helicopter.

• 40:08Speaker 01

  There are some women, you just look at them, you say, would you ever call her a name? Some women just don't, you just look at them, no, no, it's like, you just wouldn't ever do that. And, nor would she be. She's never, one time, it's something we just don't do.

• 40:27Lewis Howes?

  Fifty years and never called each other a name?

• 40:29Speaker 01

  Not one time.

• 40:30Lewis Howes?

  That's incredible.

• 40:31Speaker 01

  Really?

• 40:32Lewis Howes?

  I mean, I don't know many relationships where they're not, when they're in an argument saying, well, you're this and this.

• 40:39Speaker 01

  Oh, no, no, it's not even been close.

• 40:42Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful. That's inspiring.

• 40:44Speaker 01

  Well, maybe, but it's just never even been.

• 40:47Lewis Howes?

  Wow, that's beautiful.

• 40:47Speaker 01

  I've never even bit my tongue, it just never even occurred to me to call her a name.

• 40:53Lewis Howes?

  That's amazing.

• 40:54Speaker 01

  Maybe it's because I grew up in a very violent household.

• 40:58Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 40:59Speaker 01

  I had three sisters and they were in violent marriages and my parents were in a violent marriage. And it was just something I just would never do. It's just not.

• 41:11Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 41:12Speaker 01

  And that's, this is something that I could not accept myself doing.

• 41:17Lewis Howes?

  You want to be proud of yourself.

• 41:19Speaker 01

  I would not, I could not, I could not accept that from myself.

• 41:24Lewis Howes?

  Okay, so that's one of the non-negotiables.

• 41:26Speaker 01

  I don't think, I can't think of the time I've ever called a woman a name.

• 41:31Lewis Howes?

  Wow, that's great.

• 41:32Speaker 01

  Ever. I just, I might have turned and walked off, but that's just not something.

• 41:40Speaker 01

  That you do.

• 41:41Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 41:42Speaker 01

  Maybe it's part of being from the south or something.

• 41:44Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course.

• 41:45Speaker 01

  You just don't do that. And my sons, I've never heard my sons speak of a woman in a derogatory way.

• 41:52Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful.

• 41:54Speaker 01

  Then they better not.

• 41:55Lewis Howes?

  Right, you get a woman, yeah.

• 41:58Speaker 01

  I just don't, I just don't think you do that.

• 42:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, okay.

• 42:02Speaker 01

  But.

• 42:03Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful. I mean, I just hear of a lot of marriages that, you know, struggle and there's name-calling or frustrations and it's just like, that probably doesn't help develop more love.

• 42:15Speaker 01

  Well, you know, John Gottman is, I don't know if you've heard of him.

• 42:19Lewis Howes?

  Gottman listens to it, yeah, yeah.

• 42:21Speaker 01

  He talks about the four horsemen and, you know, those are the things that predict divorce in a relationship and, you know, that sort of thing, name-calling, is, is one of those things. You know, it's defensiveness and stonewalling and, you know, aggressively, all those things that you, you get into that have to do with character assassination is one of those things that if you see people doing that, you can predict the demise of that relationship in very high, very, very high.

• 42:57Lewis Howes?

  What are the four things, do you remember?

• 43:00Speaker 01

  Well, there are different names for them, but he, uh, the stonewalling is, is one of them.

• 43:08Lewis Howes?

  Name-calling, stonewalling?

• 43:11Speaker 01

  Defensiveness is one of them. And he calls them specifically, uh, criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

• 43:23Lewis Howes?

  Criticism, contempt?

• 43:25Speaker 01

  Defensiveness and stonewalling. And the name-calling would come under, you know, contempt where you're just, you know, just showing you're just like your father, just like, you know.

• 43:39Lewis Howes?

  And stonewalling, what does that mean specifically?

• 43:41Speaker 01

  Well, it's when you just simply won't engage, you won't.

• 43:44Lewis Howes?

  It's like the passive-aggressive, it's the silent treatment. So if one or four, one of these four or all four of these things are happening in a relationship.

• 43:54Speaker 01

  Bad news.

• 43:55Lewis Howes?

  It's typically not gonna work out.

• 43:57Speaker 01

  No, you can predict.

• 43:59Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 44:00Speaker 01

  And, and you can see these in a very short period of time.

• 44:04Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm. How does someone heal?

• 44:08Lewis Howes?

  And get to a place of healing in a relationship. If they, one or all four of these things are happening. Is it possible to come back and love each other more than ever? Or is that kind of hard to come back from?

• 44:21Speaker 01

  No, I think there's power in forgiveness. And I think you, I think you have to step back and, and label these things and say, look.

• 44:34Speaker 01

  Here's what we're doing and this, this creates wounds. This creates pain that it's real hard to recover from. And we need to acknowledge that and we need to hold ourselves to a higher standard. And if, if you can get a couple to acknowledge that and, and, and stop doing it. And hold themselves to a higher standard of communication. Then yeah, you can, you, you can heal those, but you've got to be willing to forgive. What has happened in the past and forgiveness isn't a feeling. It's a choice.

• 45:12Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 45:13Speaker 01

  Most people think that it's an emotion. It's a feeling that you've got to wait for this, this feeling of forgiveness to fill your heart. And that's not true. It's a choice. You choose to forgive the person. Doesn't mean you forget.

• 45:29Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 45:30Speaker 01

  But you choose to forgive them for what they've done and forgive yourself for what you've done. But it does do a good to forgive it on Monday if you turn around and do it again on Tuesday. So that means you, you've got to forgive it and then hold yourself to a higher standard. And say, okay, instead of this contemptuous behavior that I show and calling names and assassinating their character. What am I going to do instead? How am I going to express my emotions in a less destructive way? And when you do that, then wow, you say, this didn't last for two weeks. It lasted for 15 minutes.

• 46:11Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 46:11Speaker 01

  And now we're having dinner. Wow.

• 46:15Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 46:18Speaker 01

  And then we had a nice evening and we were even laughing and maybe had a sexual encounter that night and that had momentum into the next day and gee, we're turning this worm, you know.

• 46:34Lewis Howes?

  Turn it around, yeah. Is there anything else that's, you know, you do on a daily basis that you always do? That's a consistent, you know, that for you is a non-negotiable in your marriage?

• 46:48Speaker 01

  You know, I think it's, we don't ever, even if we're traveling, we don't ever go a day without making eye contact and to me, eye contact is something that has really, really fallen away.

• 47:12Lewis Howes?

  That's powerful. Especially the phone's just like this, right?

• 47:15Speaker 01

  Yeah. And I've, yeah, I say I've played football in grade school, junior high, high school, college, and then raced motocross for a long time and, and my elbows are really bad and I can't button this button on my shirt. I, and try to do it with one hand, it takes forever, so forever Robin always has to do this button on my shirt. And so every day that I'm, I have to change suits twice a day and all that, so Robin always buttons this button and stuff like that. So at least twice a day, she's always right here doing that button and every time she

• 47:58Speaker 01

  does, we make eye contact, uh, right there when she's doing that button and she will tell you, uh, that that's a, that's a special quiet moment every day when she buttons that button and makes eye contact. Nobody knows what's going on, but that's a private moment twice a day when she does my button and puts that on, that.

• 48:25Lewis Howes?

  What happens if the, in those moments, you're maybe distracted or preparing for the next, uh, show that's coming out? Are you just like frantic or eating some, you know, it's just like the producers are in your ear? How do you stay focused and present in those moments?

• 48:41Speaker 01

  When she's doing that?

• 48:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, when she's.

• 48:43Speaker 01

  You can't be that close to her, look her in the eye and be distracted.

• 48:47Lewis Howes?

  Be like, okay, you're just there.

• 48:49Speaker 01

  Yeah. You'd have to know she's a...

• 48:55Speaker 01

  She'll get your attention.

• 48:56Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, she'll find a way, she'll do something.

• 48:58Speaker 01

  No, she's...

• 49:00Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful, eye contact. I think people have lost the art of eye contact, like you said. It's something that I love to talk about and love to... I almost love to be awkwardly looking people in the eyes. To see, can they look at you back, you know? Whether you're in an intimate relationship or a friend. I do this with hugs as all, also. I hug people for a really long time. To see like, okay, can they be intimate and connected? Or is it uncomfortable for them?

• 49:28Speaker 01

  I've got a new show on CBS, a new primetime series, called House Calls with Dr. Phil. And the first thing that I've done with a lot of these couples that are in such dire straits is just have them stand up and make eye contact. And you would be astounded at the difference it makes when I make them stand there and make eye contact.

• 50:03Lewis Howes?

  What happens when they do that? Just for a few seconds, minutes?

• 50:07Speaker 01

  No, I make them stand there and make eye contact. And I have them, the first one, did I had them make eye contact and really hold it way past the point of comfort. And then say one of four things. I trust you, I don't trust you, I don't know if I trust you, or I'd rather not say.

• 50:32Lewis Howes?

  And... What usually happens?

• 50:34Speaker 01

  It's a real powerful moment.

• 50:37Lewis Howes?

  Wow, these are people married.

• 50:39Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah. And in the first episode, her son had died from a drug overdose and she blamed her husband for cutting him off. And... They really hadn't touched in two years.

• 50:59Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 51:00Speaker 01

  And in that moment, they hadn't really looked at each other and she looked him in the eye and just totally broke down and collapsed in his arms and said, of course, I trust you. What have I been thinking?

• 51:15Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 51:16Speaker 01

  Just in the first 30 seconds of that episode. Just making eye contact brought him back to what am I doing?

• 51:26Lewis Howes?

  Why do you think we're so afraid to connect in the eyes?

• 51:28Speaker 01

  It's intimacy.

• 51:31Speaker 01

  It's intimacy. That's robbing my two boys.

• 51:34Lewis Howes?

  Oh, wow. Very kind souls.

• 51:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:38Lewis Howes?

  That's beautiful.

• 51:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:40Lewis Howes?

  I, uh, I could talk to you for, for many hours about this and hopefully I can have you back on sometime in the future, Dr. Phil, but I want to ask a final few questions.

• 51:49Speaker 01

  All right.

• 51:49Lewis Howes?

  To wrap things up and again, thank you for your time and all of your years of wisdom. Uh, very relatable and I think this, this relationship section specifically is going to be powerful for a lot of people. Um, this is a question I ask everyone towards the end called the three truths. It's a hypothetical question. I'd like you to imagine that you get to live as long as you want to live on this earth, but eventually it's your last day. And you continue to accomplish all of your dreams and have the relationships you want to have. But for whatever reason, this hypothetical scenario, all of your content has to go somewhere else. It's not here on earth anymore. All of your shows, your videos, your books, your, you know, this podcast, it's gone for whatever reason.

• 52:32Lewis Howes?

  But you have three lessons you get to share with the world. I call it three truths, the three things you would kind of leave behind as, as lessons for people to live by. What would you say would be those three truths for you?

• 52:45Speaker 01

  I think number one would be.

• 52:51Speaker 01

  This is no dress rehearsal. You'll recognize, you get one, you get one bite at this apple. It's no dress rehearsal, so don't, don't waste time.

• 53:07Speaker 01

  Because I, I do think we, like I said, let days turn into weeks. Mm-hmm. Weeks turn into months and then we look back and say, you know, where did it all go? It's, this is not a dress rehearsal, so, you know, grab on and, and, and make the most of it.

• 53:32Speaker 01

  And I think, I think secondly,

• 53:40Speaker 01

  I think people really struggle with that existential crisis of,

• 53:49Speaker 01

  you know, feeling emptiness at different stages in their life. And I would tell people, when you feel that emptiness,

• 54:01Speaker 01

  the best way to fill it is to give away that which you need the most. Oh, yes. If you're feeling lonely, find someone that you can see and tell is more lonely than yourself and give them what you need. We've been through this quarantine. There, there are people, you know, maybe it's an elderly person living in your apartment building or down on the corner and you know they're alone. You know, they don't have family. Hmm. And you're sitting there and you're feeling disconnected and alone and empty.

• 54:50Speaker 01

  Go give to that person, knock on their door, back up six, twelve feet and say, hey, I, I, I know you're here by yourself. And um, I'm on the way to the store, can I pick something up from you and leave it on the front porch, you probably don't want to give me your cell phone number, but here's mine.

• 55:10Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 55:10Speaker 01

  If you would like to FaceTime and talk, or if you're mowing your yard, just keep going across your driveway and mow theirs, give away what you need the most, I promise you, it will fill you up faster than anything you can do.

• 55:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 55:26Speaker 01

  Give away what you need, it will, it, it will heal you faster than anything you could ever imagine.

• 55:34Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, okay, that's number two, number three?

• 55:38Speaker 01

  I would tell people to um,

• 55:42Speaker 01

  really be your own best friend.

• 55:44Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 55:45Speaker 01

  You know, we judge people really harshly. But we don't realize how harshly we judge ourselves. And, you know, I, I had the privilege of being friends with Maya Angelou before she passed. And um, you know, she's known for being such a great poet and all, but she was also a really good, good woman and had a great sense of humor and was a lot of fun, but she said something one time that really struck me, and uh, she said,

• 56:28Speaker 01

  "You did what you knew how to do.

• 56:33Speaker 01

  And when you knew better, you did better."

• 56:35Lewis Howes?

  Uh-huh.

• 56:36Speaker 01

  And I think that really describes the, the human experience. I think we do the best we know how to do at the time, and when we know better, we do better, you know?

• 56:49Speaker 01

  I say that to heroin addicts. You know, they say I'm a piece of shit heroin addict.

• 56:55Speaker 01

  You know, you're doing the best you can today. And when you know better, you'll do better. We, we gotta cut ourselves some slack.

• 57:05Speaker 01

  And we need to be our own best friend and not judge ourselves so badly. When we, we have more tools, we have more coping skills, we'll do better. Just don't, don't give up. I'm the incurable optimist. I truly am. And I, I think that, I, I think the human race is gonna be okay. I know right now, we're not getting along as a society and we're divided. And people say, oh, it's the worst division we've ever had. I guess they forget about the Civil War.

• 57:39Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 57:41Speaker 01

  But kill everybody.

• 57:45Speaker 01

  Just tell everybody, don't be so hard on yourself.

• 57:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 57:48Speaker 01

  You're doing the best you can. If you wanna do better, learn better.

• 57:51Lewis Howes?

  Right. That's beautiful. Yeah. I want to acknowledge you, Dr. Phil, for the, the decades of service you've had to so many people. From one-on-one to, you know, millions every day now. And even beyond that, on the internet now, to even tens of millions every day with your videos and your content that's being spread viral.

• 58:13Lewis Howes?

  The fact that you continue to show up, you continue to learn and continue to serve, for me, is an inspiring model of how to be a human being. So I really want to acknowledge you for, you know, helping really raise a lot of people when they were eight, 10, 12, that are now parents 20 years later, that are helping raise their kids with your same content and evolving it. And I just really appreciate the example you set for the level of service that you have on so many people. It means a lot.

• 58:43Speaker 01

  Well, I appreciate your saying that. I, I truly try to be a good steward of this platform. I think it's a, I think it's a privilege to have this platform. And I think when you're given that platform, it comes with a lot of responsibility. And I, I kinda have a...

• 59:03Speaker 01

  Shoot from the hip delivery style. And, you know, I speak in colloquialisms and stuff sometimes and I, I think sometimes people might not realize

• 59:19Speaker 01

  how seriously I, I take the stewardship of that platform.

• 59:24Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 59:25Speaker 01

  Because I have kind of a relaxed way of dispensing the information I dispense, but I take it very, very seriously.

• 59:36Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 59:37Speaker 01

  And, uh, you know, we have an advisory board at Dr. Phil. It's made up of the top minds in psychology, psychiatry, medicine, sociology, theology. You know, they're from the top learning centers in the country. These are the people that are the editors of the peer review journals and stuff that if I have a complex case, I can send it to them and we consult on it and so I can give only evidence-based advice and stuff and I think people don't realize how much goes into uh, the information that I, I put out because I have a kind of relaxed way of,

• 1:00:19Speaker 01

  of doing it. I think it betrays how much preparation goes into it sometimes, but.

• 1:00:25Lewis Howes?

  I think the greatest of all time make everything look effortless because they spend decades of preparation and hours before every game or every play really preparing so that it is relaxed feeling in a sense.

• 1:00:38Speaker 01

  Robin told, uh, Oprah told me one time. She said, "The biggest problem you'll ever have is you make it look too easy."

• 1:00:48Lewis Howes?

  You're just like nonchalantly sharing this wisdom, yes.

• 1:00:51Speaker 01

  She said, "You make it look, you make it look too easy and it betrays how hard you work at it." I didn't know what she meant at the time, but I think after 20 years, I, I realized maybe that's true.

• 1:01:04Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:01:04Speaker 01

  Maybe I should sweat more.

• 1:01:08Lewis Howes?

  You're in your 20th season now of Dr. Phil. They can watch it on TV. You're also all over the internet now on YouTube and this massive TikTok sensation. If you guys haven't subscribed over on YouTube and TikTok and fill in the blanks. The podcast is incredible. You're an amazing interviewer and you have stories on so many incredible people that are your friends that you get to bring on. You know, the Oprah interview and Jay Leno and all these other people. Incredible stories. So they can subscribe there. I'm not sure if you're doing that right now consistently, if you're gonna pause for that.

• 1:01:42Speaker 01

  I was. I just started back up and I'm getting ready to

• 1:01:45Lewis Howes?

  So good.

• 1:01:46Speaker 01

  I'm getting ready to start doing a series on different personality disorders.

• 1:01:52Lewis Howes?

  Oh, wow.

• 1:01:53Speaker 01

  How to handle like the narcissistic personality and borderline personality and some of those

• 1:01:57Lewis Howes?

  That'll be powerful.

• 1:01:58Speaker 01

  People that drive us crazy.

• 1:02:00Lewis Howes?

  That'll be powerful. So you've got that. You've got this new show, House Calls, right?

• 1:02:05Speaker 01

  Right.

• 1:02:07Lewis Howes?

  What else can we support, subscribe to, be a part of?

• 1:02:11Speaker 01

  Well, I hope everybody watches Bull. Bull is on Thursday nights on CBS at 10. That's based on my life before Dr. Phil.

• 1:02:19Lewis Howes?

  Wow, okay.

• 1:02:20Speaker 01

  And we're in our sixth season. Michael Weatherly stars as Dr. Bull. And we've had great, great fun with that.

• 1:02:29Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:02:30Speaker 01

  We've got that animal rescue show on CBS All Access and The Doctors and Daily Mail TV. And we've got lots of shows out there.

• 1:02:39Lewis Howes?

  You're a machine. You've created that amazing model that's, that's fun for me to watch and, and see as I'm, you know, building my career. So I'm gonna keep watching and keep admiring what you're creating. It's, it's really cool to see how you've built and reinvented and, and given platforms to so many other people as well. So.

• 1:02:56Speaker 01

  Well, thanks for having me on. I appreciate it.

• 1:02:58Lewis Howes?

  Of course. I have my final question before you run. What's your definition of greatness?

• 1:03:02Speaker 01

  To me, I think greatness has to do with

• 1:03:07Speaker 01

  Being able to go home at the end of the day, and feel like you have had a genuine impact on someone's life besides your own.

• 1:03:18Speaker 01

  I think if you can say, "I did something today that impacted the human experience," then

• 1:03:26Speaker 01

  that's a great thing to have done. Doesn't matter what fact it had on you, but if you've helped someone else

• 1:03:34Speaker 01

  on their journey, I think that's a great thing to do. No matter what fact it had on you, if you lifted somebody else up, I think God would smile on that. Yeah, there you go. Dr. Phil, thank you so much. Appreciate it, sir.

• 1:03:48Lewis Howes?

  Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links. And also make sure to share this with a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts and subscribe over on Apple Podcasts as well. I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most. And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.