949 Change Your Mind to Attract Love, Abundance and Wealth with Marisa Peer

“Tell yourself a better lie, you’ll live a better life.”QUESTIONSHow do we heal from decades of thinking negatively? (1:16)How do we change our interpretation of flee or freeze to flow? (5:18)How do we best influence our kids? (35:31)What’s the difference between feelings and thoughts? (50:18)What’s the main cause of addictive behavior? (1:04:10)How do we become more self confident? (1:09:11)YOU WILL LEARNHow our ancestral brain works (4:30)Why the pictures and words we use are so important (9:05)Why the conversation you’re having with yourself is the most important (13:16)How role, function and purpose work (19:01)The five child’s needs (24:10)How tagging works in children with unmet needs (30:33)How children keep the things parents say with them (39:12)The importance of having an honesty policy with your kids (47:22)How proper hypnotherapy excites the imagination (57:21)The importance of installation in therapy (1:02:09)LINKS MENTIONEDRapid Transformational TherapyIf you enjoyed this episode, show notes and more at http://www.lewishowes.com/949 and follow at instagram.com/lewishowes Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 949 with Marisa Peer.

• 0:07Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:33Lewis Howes?

  Viktor Frankl said, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." And Lao Tzu said, "Knowing others is intelligence. Knowing yourself is wisdom. Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power." I am so excited that you're here. We have Marisa Peer in the house to talk about all things mastering your thoughts, mastering your feelings, to transform your life into an incredible life of love, wealth, and abundance. And we had her on before in an episode called "Your Thoughts Will Heal You or Kill You."

• 1:16Lewis Howes?

  And this episode went viral. It went all over the place. It's one of our top episodes. We had her speak at the Summit of Greatness. She blew people away on stage. And I said, "We've got to bring you back to help people really learn how to master their thoughts, their mindset, and their feelings." And there are a few speakers today that have wide experience and stellar reputation of Marisa Peer, who's named Britain's Best Therapist. And Marissa has spent over three decades treating A-list clients that includes international superstars, CEOs, royalty, and Olympic athletes. And in this episode, we talk about the difference between how our thoughts and feelings affect us,

• 1:58Lewis Howes?

  the power of our words, and how we can be more mindful of what we're saying, not only to other people, but to ourselves. We discuss roles children take on if they feel they need more. More love or attention from their parents. This fascinated me, these key roles that we all take on. And you'll be able to see based on how many other siblings you have, which role you play. Advice for parents on raising confident children. We talk about hypnotherapy and what makes it different from traditional therapy. And truly the difference between thoughts and feelings. And how to manage all this anxiety and stress you might have for peace, love and abundance. I am so excited. Make sure to share this with your friends. And if this is your first time here, please text a friend.

• 2:43Lewis Howes?

  LewisHowes.com/949 at any point throughout this episode where you feel inspired. And you think someone needs to listen to this. You think you can impact someone's life with the wisdom of Marissa Peer. Then share this link with a friend. And make sure to thank the friend that sent you here to listen to this episode as well. And I am so excited that you are here. So let's dive into this episode with the one, the only Marissa Peer.

• 3:12Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness Podcast. Super excited about our guest. Marissa Peer is in the house. I'm so glad that you're here. One of our top guests of all time. We had you on, when was it, a year ago or a year and a half ago?

• 3:23Marisa Peer?

  Year and a half, yeah.

• 3:24Lewis Howes?

  Year and a half ago, we had you on. I didn't even know who you were at the time. Someone had emailed me a few different times over months and said, you gotta check out Marissa. And I was like, who is this therapist from the UK with an interesting accent? But then I watched a video of yours online and I was like, hmm, I really like your approach and your style. So we had you on and it took off in the audio, the video, and we really helped heal a lot of people. So, and we had you speak at some of the Greatness slides here. You're one of the top speakers. It's been an amazing time. So very grateful that you're back. And I think people could use your wisdom and your healing ways more than ever right now. Because I think a lot of people's thoughts are sick.

• 4:05Lewis Howes?

  And, and they don't know how to change their thoughts, heal their thoughts. You know, if we're so focused on negative thoughts, how do we even get to the place of stopping those thoughts? And starting to heal from years or decades of thinking negatively?

• 4:22Marisa Peer?

  And I guess that's a great question, because most people don't even get there. You have to understand thoughts are things. When you think a thought, you have an immediate reaction. That's why if you think about eating, your stomach rumbles. You think about sex, you get aroused. People say, I don't believe that. So what do you think an erection is? You think a thought, you get a physical reaction. That's not a one off. If you think a thought, a thought has a physical reaction in your body immediately. And an emotional response. If I think I'm embarrassed, I might blush. If you say something moving, my eyes might fill up with tears, because my body is reacting to thoughts. And if you could all be taught that early on, you react to thoughts, that's a fact. Here's another great fact.

• 5:07Marisa Peer?

  You can change your thoughts anytime you like. And if you change your thinking, it changes your entire life. So for instance, we're all saying, I'm stuck at home. I go, no, I'm safe at home. Stuck, safe. You change one little word, it changes everything. So let me say, I'm trapped. I'm in a lockdown. You know, we're not actually trapped. They're not sealing up the doors like they did in the plague. In the plague, they sealed your doors and you couldn't physically get out. But we are asked to stay indoors. We still go out for walks, we go out to the store, we go to the pharmacy. We're not stuck, we're not locked in, we're not trapped, we're not imprisoned. It's not an apocalypse. It's not Armageddon.

• 5:50Marisa Peer?

  But if you start to use those words, it begins to feel exactly as if it is that case. So it's really important that you change your words. And I learnt that when I was helping a hospital who had people who couldn't go in the scanning machine. And they'd all say things like, well, I feel like I'm in a coffin. You know, when I get in that scanner and I can't move, I'm so trapped. I'm like, look, come on, you lie in bed for eight hours every night and don't move. Why don't you just say, I'm in my bed, I'm super chilled and I feel so relaxed. And what will happen is, your mind will react to your thinking. And so I had many people do that and I was teaching nurses how to get people to do that,

• 6:33Marisa Peer?

  especially little kids of six going into the scanner and they said, do you, when we tell them they're in their bed, they actually fall asleep in there. And we say, we're gonna play a game now, statues, how long can you keep still for? So when I actually, a few years ago, was in a scanner, which I didn't ever plan to be in, I thought, well, just let me play a game. So I lay in there and I went, I'm in my bed, I'm so chilled, this is so great, I've got half an hour to just lie here. And then I decided, I'm in my coffin now, and they start to talk to me, and I'm like, you're moving all the time, I had no idea, because I was saying, I'm, I'm stuck, I'm trapped, I'm claustrophobic, my body was like, get out. And it starts to do things to make you want to leave, and so

• 7:18Marisa Peer?

  if you just understand, um, how you are, everything changes, so our ancestral brain is like, flee, fight, freeze. I can fight, I can flee, I can freeze, so I'm in a scanner and it's like, well, I need to flee this, I need to fight it, and I'm like, no, if you can't fight and you can't flee, don't freeze, flow. I can't fight, I can't flee, but I can flow. I mean, Nelson Mandela spent twenty seven years in solitary confinement, we can't even do three weeks, but they're like, it's hell, it's a nightmare, I'm cooped up, my kids are driving me mad,

• 8:01Marisa Peer?

  I wanna get a divorce, I can't stand it, but he did twenty seven years, you know how he did it, because he said,

• 8:08Marisa Peer?

  everyone in my country is in prison, I'm just in a different prison to them. If they can do it, I can do it, and I'm gonna come out here the leader of my country, and he did. So, you know, we, we have this belief that events affect us, they don't. The meaning you attach to an event affects you. The interpretation you choose about an event is what affects you. Some people are going, I love it, it's great, you know. So much time, I'm having the best, I hate it, I can't stand it, I'm climbing the walls, I'm going crazy, I'm ripping my hair out, none of which, we're not actually ripping out our hair. Or climbing the walls, or going insane, we shouldn't use that, but clearly it must be the interpretation, because we're all reacting differently.

• 8:54Marisa Peer?

  So, this won't affect you, but what you make of it will. And it's your job to change the interpretation, and if you can change the interpretation, it would change your entire life.

• 9:05Lewis Howes?

  How do we change the interpretation to go from free or fight, or freeze to flow?

• 9:10Marisa Peer?

  Well, first of all, we think, what does this mean? What does this mean? You know, I've had a couple of clients who went to jail, and they reacted into it. One of them was a very rich woman who went to jail for tax evasion. And she said, actually, she ended up really liking it.

• 9:27Lewis Howes?

  Being in jail.

• 9:28Marisa Peer?

  Well, she was a typical rich woman, she had a beautiful house, lots of staff, she didn't really go anywhere, everyone did everything for her. She didn't really have any friends, she had the ladies who lunch. And when she was there, she trained to be an aerobic teacher, she trained to be a yoga teacher, nothing else to do. She really bonded with the other women, and when she got out, she went back every week to visit them, because she said, you know, it was different in there, it was like girls' boarding school. I didn't realize I was isolated at home, and more connected in jail, which is an interesting way to think about it. And people who, often people who've been in jail, or been trapped in their house, been in lockdown.

• 10:07Marisa Peer?

  So Isaac Newton, I believe, in sixteen sixty-five, he developed the theory of gravity while London was locked down because of the plague, sealed in their house, and so he used that time. So I guess you have to think, well, you know, I can't change this, but I can change what it means. One day I look back and go, well, actually, there was a lot of good stuff. What can I do about it? I mean, we all go, I just haven't got enough time. I would love more time. If I only had time to myself, well, here it is. What could you do or learn or achieve? And I'm not saying it's easy, because I'm also safe at home. And I really miss going out and meeting people.

• 10:48Marisa Peer?

  But I'm also doing things I've wanted to do for years that I couldn't do because of time. So silly things like cook with your kids and make that a math lesson. How much does that weigh? How much vitamin C is in the skin of a potato? Do the laundry, you know, why do you think detergents are called biological? Uh, you can make it interesting. You just have to really decide, okay, what does this mean to me? And can I change the meaning? And when I can change the meaning, it will change my life. Because the meaning is yours to change and the interpretation is yours to change. But the fastest way is look at words. Am I saying apocalypse, Armageddon, uh, trapped, stuck?

• 11:33Marisa Peer?

  Someone said to me, they've, they've taken away my freedom. Who, the government? Government forces have taken away my freedom. Maybe, but how about they want me to live? They want me to be safe. The government has put this in place to keep me safe. So I'm safe at home or they've taken away my freedom.

• 11:52Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, why, why looking at your words first? Why is that so important?

• 11:55Marisa Peer?

  Because the way you feel about everything is down to two things. The pictures you make in your head and the words. The way you feel about everything, every minute of every day is only down to two things. The pictures you make in your head and the words you say. But you could make that even simpler and say, forget about the pictures. Because the words make the picture.

• 12:19Marisa Peer?

  You know, love us, I, I, I'm not visual and I can't see stuff. But if I said to you, Lewis, think of anything, but you may not think of an orange snowman. Especially one whose snow is the same color as the carrot in his nose. You've got to think of an orange snowman. And so when you hear words, they make pictures. When you say.

• 12:40Marisa Peer?

  Don't think about blushing. Don't think about falling. You know, I paddleboard every day. And I notice if you go, I'm wobbling here and I'm gonna fall. I've never, ever, ever fallen off. Because I don't think about falling. I think about balance and how much I like it. But when you say a word, you make a picture. And even the words you use in front of words make a picture. You can say, this is driving me crazy. I'm going insane. There's a picture. Or you can say, it's a challenge. It's interesting. An opportunity. Because they don't make a picture. So when you say, I've got this cracking headache. Oh, my god, it's killing me. I'm in agony. My head is killing me.

• 13:23Lewis Howes?

  It's swelling, it's throbbing, yeah.

• 13:26Marisa Peer?

  Or you say, I've got a little niggle here. A little niggle, not great, but so what? When you say, I'm starving. This is what people do. Coming out, I'm starving. I could eat a horse. I'm dying of hunger. See, what you're doing, which most people don't know, is that five hundred years ago, the thing that killed us more than anything else was not disease. And it wasn't war. It was hunger. And we're wired to be scared of hunger. So when you say to your body, I'm starving. I'm dying of hunger. I could eat a horse. Your mind goes, oh, that's that dangerous thing that could kill you. You have an apposet here that regulates what you eat. But if you say you're starving, I'll put that on hold.

• 14:10Marisa Peer?

  So you can eat, stand in front of the fridge and eat so much stuff. And then when you've eaten, you still feel hungry. Because you just told me you were starving.

• 14:20Lewis Howes?

  So you're saying that using the words, I'm starving, or I'm okay, I don't need food. Whatever you say is going to manifest in the body.

• 14:27Marisa Peer?

  And you just have to think, how could I change? Am I really starving? I don't think I've ever been starving. I've been hungry, but I've never been starving. Could I really eat a horse? No, not even a horse's leg. Of course you couldn't. Am I really dying of hunger? That takes at least twelve days, probably even longer. So then you think, why would I lie to myself and delude myself? How about saying the truth? I need to eat. I'm ready to eat. And you said what happens is maybe you're driving home or maybe you're on the train station and you say, I'm starving. Now your mind goes, there's a pickaxe machine right there, you should eat three of those. And maybe some jelly beans and taco chips as well.

• 15:09Marisa Peer?

  Cause you're starving and I'm your mind and my job is to keep you alive and you just said you're starving. Because your mind's job is to listen to your words and your job. And it's a great job is to tell it better stuff. So then instead you go, you know, I am hungry, I need to eat, but I've got some chicken in my house. I've got some vegetables, I've got a casserole, I cooked it yesterday, I can wait an hour and eat better food. And we all have to say that, I am hungry, but I'm choosing to wait thirty minutes for better food. You know, it's the same thing in a restaurant. But when I go to restaurants, I'm not hungry, the minute I sit down, they bring that bread, bread bar, so I think, oh, oh, I need that. And I could have eaten all of those at one time until I learnt to say,

• 15:53Marisa Peer?

  I'm choosing to wait half an hour to eat this really nice food I've ordered.

• 15:58Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 15:58Marisa Peer?

  But you have to talk to yourself, you know, we're all taught, if you can um, talk to your customers, you'll have a great business. If you can talk to your kids, you'd be a great parent, but no one says, but you need to talk to yourself. That is the most important conversation you'll ever have, the one you have with yourself. This relationship is killing me, this kid is killing me, I'm dying under my workload. This free weight makes me want to die. This is not true, why don't you say the truth? That the, the, the.

• 16:30Lewis Howes?

  It's challenging, yeah.

• 16:32Marisa Peer?

  I've got all these audiobooks, isn't it, I've got some snacks in my car. I'm prepared for the challenge, rather than it's killing me, so.

• 16:40Lewis Howes?

  What happens when we say, this is killing me over and over again? What happens, well, how do we manifest that physically?

• 16:45Marisa Peer?

  If you say that, your mind, your mind's job is to keep you alive on the planet. It doesn't actually care if you're happy. You know, people think my mind's job is to make me happy, no, it's not. It's to make you live long enough to reproduce yourself. And actually, that takes the first thirty, so you've got another seventy left. So, our mind's job is a little confusing to our mind. But you know, we are ancestral people in very modern bodies. And when you say, my job is killing me, it goes, don't go to that place called job. And if you keep going to that place called job and keep saying it's killing you, I'll just give you a nice ulcer. I'll keep you at home now. I'll

• 17:26Lewis Howes?

  Make you sick.

• 17:27Marisa Peer?

  I'll make you sick, I'll give you a disease. And we see that, people say, oh, I need a week in bed and then they get flu. Now they've got their week in bed. I need to get out of that meeting. And now they get chronic diarrhea. So it happens all the time anyway. And because your mind is designed to keep you alive. And so if you say you hate something, we will say, you know, this guy, oh, he ripped out my heart, stamped all over it, threw it in the trash. Really? I think he got bored with you, darling. And you know what? If he stuck around, you probably would have got bored with him. He was just your starter relationship. He taught you a lot. And you learnt a lot and everything he loved in you. But he didn't take it when he packed his wash bag and left.

• 18:11Marisa Peer?

  He didn't put in all the things that made him like you, they're still in you. He couldn't take them home. And everything he liked in you is still there. And you can find a way better person that loves you more. But when you say to your mind, he ripped out my heart, stamped all over it, he killed me. The mind goes, you know what? Don't have another relationship. Stay single. I'll make you the biggest bitch in the world. I'll make you the cold, most cold-hearted guy. Because you keep saying, if I meet another person that leaves me, I'll die. If I meet another person that hurts me, I couldn't take the pain. You know those songs, I haven't got time for the pain. I can't live without you.

• 18:53Marisa Peer?

  When you say to your mind, it'll kill me if another guy dumps me, or girl. I'll die if I get rejected. If I have another miscarriage, it will just be the end of the world for me. You've told your mind, I couldn't cope with that event. And your mind's job is okay. My job is to make sure you never have to experience that event ever, ever, ever again.

• 19:19Lewis Howes?

  So I'm gonna make you a bitch, I'm gonna make you mean, I'm gonna make you obese, unattractive, all these things, right?

• 19:27Marisa Peer?

  You know, I worked with someone, it was so fascinating. This girl had hypersensitivity to light.

• 19:33Marisa Peer?

  So bad that she couldn't go out in normal daylight. And when I talked to her, she said, you know, when I was eleven, I got really, really badly bullied. And I said to my mom, can I stay home? And she's like, no, I'm a single parent, of course you can't stay home. I gotta go to work and I hate my job and you have to go to school and deal with it. And she said, but mom, I I need to stay home. No. When she got hyper light sensitivity, what do you think happened?

• 20:00Lewis Howes?

  She was able to stay at home.

• 20:01Marisa Peer?

  She had to stay home every day. Her mind believed that staying home was what she wanted and was really seductive. And we have to be so careful when we say I want to be at home. I I I don't wanna go out into the world and deal with that, it's too much for me. And recently I was teaching, cause I teach RTT all over the world and I was teaching. My course and and I heard this story, I I just trained a graduate and I was so proud of her. Because she said, you know, my first client was an anorexic girl. And when I talked to her using RTT, I said, what? Cause we always say the same thing, what was going on when you first began to have this? It's called what I call what lies beneath.

• 20:42Marisa Peer?

  And she said, um, well, I was eleven years old and over my dad's study and he was looking at porn. And he was panting, you know, like a dog. And I remember standing at the door thinking, oh, I never want anyone to look at me the way he's looking at that girl.

• 20:59Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 20:59Marisa Peer?

  I would die if a man looked at me the way my dad is looking at that girl. Now, that's actually a command to the mind. Do anything and everything to make sure no man ever looks at me. The way he's looking at her. And that's when she became anorexic. When you're anorexic, the ovaries don't develop, you don't go into, you don't get breasts, you you lose your hair. But what was even more interesting is the girl in the audience said, that's so bizarre, cause I'm bulimic. And my dad used to. I used to drop me off when they divorce and you go, look at your mum, look at her in those tight clothes, who does she think she is?

• 21:41Marisa Peer?

  She just looks like a tramp, and I thought, I never want my husband to ever talk about me like that, and I'm so fat.

• 21:51Lewis Howes?

  Oh my gosh.

• 21:51Marisa Peer?

  He would never talk about me like that, so same, almost the same scenario. The same request of the mind, I couldn't cope if anyone spoke about me like that. And one became anorexic and one became obese. Because the mind took the command, do anything and everything to make sure no one ever looks at me like that.

• 22:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, to protect yourself.

• 22:16Marisa Peer?

  And it doesn't have a set thing, but um what is interesting is we in RTT have something called role, function, purpose, so we say to people, if this headache had a role, what would it be? If um your irritable bowel had a role? If these panic attacks had a purpose, and they come up with the most profound stuff, but it's only ever three things in thirty years, it's always the same three. The panic attacks protect me, you know, my dad wanted me to be a family lawyer like him, but when I got panic attacks, he's, oh, you could never do that, no, you can't, how could you ever be in court with panic attacks? So they protected me from this expectation.

• 22:58Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 22:59Marisa Peer?

  I knew I could never meet. The second thing is they punish me, you think, why would my mind punish me? But when I talk to people, they go, yeah, you know, I had an affair with my friend's boyfriend and I, it caused so many problems and now I've got colitis, I've got autoimmune, which means the body is attacking itself. When I was fifteen, I stole money from my mum's purse and then I never told her, but ever since I've had this chronic irritable bowel, these terrible headaches. I blush all the time. You know, years ago, we used to go to do penance, we were, used to wear hair shirts, but if you have guilt. Your mind's job is to become judge, juror, jailer. Let me punish you.

• 23:45Marisa Peer?

  So punishing ourselves is is huge. A lot of people do it. They don't even know why. And the third thing is get attention.

• 23:53Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 23:53Marisa Peer?

  You've all seen kids lying on the floor in the store screaming because they want attention.

• 23:58Lewis Howes?

  That was me.

• 23:58Marisa Peer?

  Getting sick because they want attention.

• 24:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 24:01Marisa Peer?

  You know, many, many children who can't get, if you can't get the love of your parents, the very next best thing is to be sick. It's almost as good.

• 24:10Lewis Howes?

  You have to pay attention.

• 24:10Marisa Peer?

  Yeah. Oh, I didn't think my mom loved them, but she's driving all over town, buying this gluten free flour, getting this special cream. Doing something and and for many kids, being sick is like, oh. I didn't think I mattered, but clearly I do. Now you've got all this special stuff in the house.

• 24:29Lewis Howes?

  The more sick I get, the more hurt, the more, yeah.

• 24:33Marisa Peer?

  And those children tend to become life's hypochondriacs. And my mother in England in the war, they evacuated children. They took all the children from cities, put them on trains, sent them to the country. And people had to take you in. They had no choice. And some of them had a great time, some of them had an awful time, but my mom didn't like it and she stopped eating. She got covered in boils.

• 24:55Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 24:56Marisa Peer?

  She was really sick. She was the only one who was allowed to go home early. And she never, ever, her whole life, gave up being sick. I used to talk to her.

• 25:04Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 25:05Marisa Peer?

  But it it it met all her needs. She got so much attention. She's the only person I know. I'd go and see her in the hospital. She'd sit up in bed. And she was, oh, the doctor's very worried about me, you know, he thinks it's really serious and. And she would speak with such a sparkle in her eyes and she was so happy. She loved being in hospital. And I remember my little girl saying to her one day, Grandma. What are all these pills? And she'd go, well, that's for my legs. That's for my headaches. That's my irritable, well, that's for my allergies. That's for my foot. She'd go, but Grandma, how do I all know? Where to go, which I thought was a great.

• 25:41Lewis Howes?

  That's funny.

• 25:42Marisa Peer?

  Yeah. And my little girl came back from my mother's one, she went, mommy, I've got my tension headache. I'm like, no darling, you're five. We don't have tension headaches. That's a grandma thing.

• 25:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 25:54Marisa Peer?

  But one weekend with my mother and she go, oh, I've got a tension headache. Oh, this is all going to go wrong. Oh, that's giving me a stomach ache because children learn what they live.

• 26:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, well, mimicking.

• 26:06Marisa Peer?

  And my mom was a lovely, lovely woman, but she was so invested in being ill. And you know, weekend in her company by osmosis, my little girl picked all of that up.

• 26:17Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 26:18Marisa Peer?

  And then she said to me one day, you know, Faye was very active. I think you need to put her on Ritalin. I'm like, she's a child, mom.

• 26:26Lewis Howes?

  Your mom, wow.

• 26:26Marisa Peer?

  Yeah. I said, I'm not gonna drug her. She's like a puppy. It's called being age appropriate. They run, they jump.

• 26:33Lewis Howes?

  They got energy, yeah.

• 26:33Marisa Peer?

  They touch stuff. Why would I drug her? But, um, you know, my mother learnt and we did something in our T T, which I love, and it's called foreplay.

• 26:44Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 26:44Marisa Peer?

  It's not about sex. We talk about that a lot too. But in foreplay, you know, I I created this and I'm quite proud of it because it's so interesting. It says that if you don't feel loved by your parents, if you're not sure they love you and care about you, there's only four things that you can do.

• 27:02Lewis Howes?

  If you're not loved.

• 27:03Marisa Peer?

  If you don't feel, well.

• 27:05Lewis Howes?

  You don't feel loved.

• 27:06Marisa Peer?

  You don't feel that you belong.

• 27:07Lewis Howes?

  They might give you love, yeah.

• 27:08Marisa Peer?

  But if you don't feel loved, if you don't feel significant. See, children have needs and they're very simple. When he's, I need to feel loved. I need to feel significant. I need to feel protected and I need to feel I matter. I need to feel safe. That's really their needs.

• 27:24Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm. Are these the four things?

• 27:25Marisa Peer?

  Five. I need to feel loved, significant, protected, safe, matter. Protected and safe are kind of the same, so it could be four.

• 27:32Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 27:33Marisa Peer?

  Pretty much, that's a child's needs.

• 27:35Lewis Howes?

  Yep.

• 27:36Marisa Peer?

  And if these needs are not met for whatever reason, then they have no choice but to do one of four things. The first is to get sick. Being sick. Is so powerful for a child, suddenly they do feel loved, they do feel significant, they do feel they matter. They they might feel safe because the doctor and nurses are very kind to them. The second one is to be brilliant, doesn't matter what. The kids who become outstanding athletes, grade A students.

• 28:07Lewis Howes?

  They get all the attention.

• 28:08Marisa Peer?

  Because they they feel validated. My my parents are really proud of them. Look at my son, look at his report. Oh, you know, my daughter, the track star, and suddenly they do feel significant, they do feel they matter.

• 28:19Lewis Howes?

  And they lean more into that.

• 28:20Marisa Peer?

  And they do, yeah, but they can never give that up and they become adults who are always still having to be the best.

• 28:26Lewis Howes?

  That was me.

• 28:27Marisa Peer?

  Hmm, the sick kids are the adult hypochondriacs. The third way, and I'm a therapist, so I can say that was me as the carer. They go, you know, life isn't fair. I'm not getting love and attention. I know. Why don't I give it? I'll be a nurse and the statistics of nurses who come from that need to give what they haven't got is really high. That's why it's a calling as much as a profession. So the next role is the carer. I'll go out.

• 28:57Lewis Howes?

  I'll put other people before me.

• 28:58Marisa Peer?

  And I'll I'll be a nurse, I'll be a doctor, I'll be a counselor, I'll be a therapist, and they give so much, but they don't receive. And so the carer's needs are met by giving what they didn't get.

• 29:10Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 29:11Marisa Peer?

  So one of my clients was saying her mother was a very high-powered executive. But she drank all the time secretly and she had no time for this daughter except when she drunk too much. And then she'd be the one that would hide the bottles, clean up the house, make her some soup, or maybe run to the store and get her more alcohol or go and find it where she didn't in the garage before dad came home. And she only felt needed when she was looking after an alcoholic mother. And she also became a high-flying executive, but she only ever dated alcoholics because she was playing the only part she'd ever known. If I nurse an alcoholic, I feel useful, I feel wanted. It's the next best thing to being loved.

• 29:55Marisa Peer?

  Is to be wanted.

• 29:56Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 29:57Marisa Peer?

  And the third, fourth way, which is really interesting, is to be the rebellious, difficult one. And that usually happens when all the other roles have gone. My sister's sick, my dad's brilliant.

• 30:09Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 30:10Marisa Peer?

  My brother's perfect and caring, so I'm gonna take my spoon and brag it on the table. And I'm still doing it forty years later because I gotta get the power off these people. So I'm gonna be the difficult kid.

• 30:23Lewis Howes?

  And if I can't be the best in the family, and if I can't be the most brilliant, then I have to find some other role.

• 30:28Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 30:29Lewis Howes?

  Can't be the most giving and loving, I gotta be the rebellious one.

• 30:32Marisa Peer?

  And if you look at dynasties, like the Kennedys dynasty, the Guinness dynasty, if you look at maybe Michael Douglas's sons. One was just like him, one was a drug addict and died. Whenever you look at that, it used to be much easier when you had families of four kids or three kids. But you can actually see it. I see it all the time playing out. You can see it in the royal family, in our English royal family. You can see who's the good, brilliant one, who's the ill one, who's the rebel, who's the caring one. And even if there's only two kids, sometimes mum and dad take that role. So I was in Costa Rica and this guy came up to me on the beach and said, you know, I've always wanted to meet you.

• 31:12Marisa Peer?

  He said, because, he said, I'm a terrible addict. I've done everything. I've been, he said, I went into rehab, came out, got run over by a bus because I went straight from rehab to the pub. He said, my parents have sent me into rehab so many times. My wife's sent me. I've got two children, but I can't stop being an addict. What's wrong with that? I said, I don't know. Tell me about your life. And he said, I've an older brother, he's brilliant, and then me, and then I've got twin brothers. I mean, that's it. Just like, I said, that's it. Because when you're a little kid, and he was Iranian too, which was really interesting. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but in that culture, the older brother was the first for his son.

• 31:56Marisa Peer?

  That role would never be taken away from him. Parents are both doctors, the parents are brilliant and carers, they've got the role. Now we've got the firstborn son who's also brilliant. Now you've got this one. And that's okay, because he's the baby, that's cool. But then they have twin boys after him, who totally smash his role out of the park. Because they're forever, and they were premature, so they were the sick ones.

• 32:23Lewis Howes?

  They needed the attention.

• 32:24Marisa Peer?

  So much attention, so much care, monitors in the car. Checking if they throw up, feeding every hour all night long, being weighed. So the other, the mum, dad and brother never lost their role, but he lost his role. He wasn't the baby brother anymore. And there's two more and they're sick. So his only role was to be the difficult rebellious one. And the minute I told him that, he never ever used again, just stopped. The game, he was able to say, um. Oh yeah, of course, I I had no choice but to take on that role. And I say, well, you know, we play the only part we've ever known and then. You make that part, you're like, oh, you go, you know what?

• 33:05Marisa Peer?

  I think it's time for a new part, I'm a father with an amazing wife. And two children.

• 33:11Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 33:12Marisa Peer?

  I don't need to do this. But just looking at, oh, okay. What was my mum, what was my dad, what was my sister, what was my brother, because I know my sister was so competitive. But suddenly I have great compassion because she was just trying to get noticed like I was, a little sick or brilliant.

• 33:30Lewis Howes?

  Wow, so we can start to have compassion for our family who play these roles.

• 33:34Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 33:34Lewis Howes?

  Can we shift this roles as children if we start to become aware?

• 33:38Marisa Peer?

  It's hard when you're very little, because as a little child, you have what I call unmet needs. And when a child has unmet needs, something very interesting happens, they believe this need will never get met. They have what I call tagging, so when something happens to a child, they form a tag, it will always be like this. It'll be like this for the rest of my life. And I can never change this, so you often see children. When the parents are violent or abusive or desperately poor.

• 34:09Marisa Peer?

  And when the parents don't meet the child's needs and are violent or cold or just absent because they're working all the time, the kid never stops loving the parent. They stop loving themselves. They immediately go into this, my mum isn't here, she doesn't love me. My dad's not here, I'm not lovable enough. I don't have what other kids have. It will always be like that, and that's the biggest problem. The tagging is that we go into our adult life with the same belief. And we see many people who have everything, but they're still that child. Oh, you wouldn't love me if I didn't have this. I'm just faking all of this, it's not real, it's not me.

• 34:52Marisa Peer?

  Because we play the only part we've ever known. And you know, I was teaching recently at a hospital in London. And all the doctors said, wow, every person coming on stage to work with you, they all have unmet needs. It's always the needs of a child were not met. And now they've got vitiligo or impetigo or a chronic stutter or nervous twitch.

• 35:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 35:17Marisa Peer?

  Because the body's like, I'm gonna get this need met. You want attention, you want to feel significant, you want to feel you matter. Well, being sick is a great thing, or be brilliant, or be rebellious, or be good. But it's saying, okay, okay, I can see I did that. Like you straight away saw your part.

• 35:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 35:38Marisa Peer?

  My brother was brilliant in my house. My sister was gorgeous and enchanting and clever. And I just felt like this freak in the middle, so I became the carer.

• 35:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 35:48Marisa Peer?

  I would always clean the house for my mum and be so good. And my dad was a carer, he was an amazing head teacher or principal. But then as you get older, you just think, right, let me look at this. My mum was there, okay, but I don't have to do that anymore. I don't have to do that now.

• 36:07Lewis Howes?

  So it's just making a conscious decision and being aware is the first step?

• 36:11Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, another client I met, and he said, you know, I had a heart attack, wakeboarding. And I've got a wife and kids, and my wife is just gonna leave me if I don't. He said, I love extreme sports, I helly scared you everything, the more dangerous, the better. And his story was his brother was really sick. He was born, then the baby brother was really sick and they had to have a sterilized house. And somebody, your brother, don't bring, your brother. And he said, I used to jump over bikes on my skateboard or go over bikes. And the only time I got attention is if I hurt myself. If I came in covered in, oh my god, your brother germs, but they would patch me up. Are you okay? And he said, nice to go out. This wild kid, like doing crazy things.

• 36:53Marisa Peer?

  But I didn't realise, I only got attention by hurting myself. So the minute he saw that, he said, that was a game changer. I'll never ever, I don't need to heli ski, I'm all done with that. But you have to see it to fix it. You know, most of us don't really look, oh, I don't wanna look at that. You have to look at your life and go, okay.

• 37:15Marisa Peer?

  Okay, what was going on when I began to do that? What was happening in my life? And sometimes you'll get it, sometimes you won't. Even if you don't, just think, but it's not me. You know, one of the most powerful things we do in our TT is get able to say, it's not me. I make people say, it's not me, because that is not me anymore. Because it will never be be me ever again for the rest of my life, because it cannot be me. And you know, and I I do huge auditions, I have the whole room say, that's not me ever again for the rest of my long gorgeous life, because, but then I make them justify it. Screen that out.

• 37:55Marisa Peer?

  Tell them, well, well, I'm not seven, I don't live with a dad who says, eat everything on your plate. And you're not getting down until you've finished even that congealed bit of fish. I don't live in that world. I have the ability to say, I'm not eating that. And I was talking to a client one day about that, and she said, you know, I eat everything on my plate. And I said, so we went back to the father who was, you know, the typical. It came out every meal until it was finished. She couldn't get any other food or she ate this congealed disgusting fish. Including the skin. And I said, well, imagine if you went to a Gordon Ramsay restaurant and he said, you're not leaving till you eat that food. She goes, well, I'd stay and eat it.

• 38:39Marisa Peer?

  I'm like, no, you wouldn't. She goes, I would. I'd be so scared of Gordon. If he said, eat it, I'd, I'd have to eat it. I'm like, you play tape in your head. You can go, I don't want it. I'm not hungry. It's lovely. Thank you, but I'm full. Adults can say no. But children can't say no. They have no power to say no.

• 39:00Lewis Howes?

  How do we not mess up our kids then? If you've got two, three, four kids, you're busy, you're running around, your marriage is not the best you want it to be.

• 39:07Marisa Peer?

  Impossible, you know.

• 39:09Lewis Howes?

  You're going to mess up your kids.

• 39:10Marisa Peer?

  You probably, I mean, you know, how can you not?

• 39:13Lewis Howes?

  How do you best?

• 39:14Marisa Peer?

  But you can do damage limitation. So damage limitation is like, you know, I was a single parent. I love being a parent. I was told I could never ever have children. The whole, my whole RTT training was based on being told I couldn't have a baby, deciding I would have one, being told that I would lose that baby, then being told the baby would have everything wrong with it. When I had a perfect normal baby, I thought, there's something here. And then I began to work with other people who couldn't conceive or couldn't carry baby to full term. And it was always the way they spoke in their head. So.

• 39:49Lewis Howes?

  Did you used to speak in your head a certain way?

• 39:52Marisa Peer?

  Well, no, who would come in and go, I can't get pregnant. I, what's going on? I don't know. Let's go back. They go, well, when I was fourteen, I thought I was pregnant. And what did you say? I went, oh, my God, I said, it's hell. My dad will kill me. My mom will kill herself. This is a nightmare. Having a baby is the end of my life.

• 40:08Lewis Howes?

  Which goes back to your thoughts.

• 40:09Marisa Peer?

  Yeah. And here you are now thirty five. Your dad loves your husband. Your mom loves you and they're waiting.

• 40:15Lewis Howes?

  They're begging you, please.

• 40:17Marisa Peer?

  They may be devout Muslims and you were dating some crazy white guy and they would have been devastated. But now. And they go, yeah, and then just undoing that and I'm picking it. Makes it work and so but with children, you know, I digress then, but what I meant to say was I had a much wanted baby. She was my miracle baby. I loved her because I thought I'd never have one. But of course I did so many things wrong. I mean, I always think you shouldn't wish for what you can't have. If I could ever have one wish, I'd go back and do her whole childhood again, but better. But you can't get that wish. You can only fix it. But with her and with all children, it's about owning it. Mummy was very cranky today. That was not about you. It was about mommy.

• 41:01Marisa Peer?

  Daddy lost it today. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have shouted like that because life isn't a fairy story, you know, you're gonna have moments where things aren't, you, your day doesn't go well. The most important with children is sitting down and going, darling, I'm really sorry. Today I lost it. Today I was mean. Today I was unkind. Today I was not present with you. And I know that's all you want is me to be present. I wasn't present. And if you apologize, you do something magical. They don't think it's their fault. They understand it's you. So they don't have to sit and think, oh, mommy's always angry. I guess she doesn't love me. Daddy's never here. I guess I'm not enough.

• 41:43Marisa Peer?

  Mommy's always fighting. If I was enough, she would be happy. She's not happy. It's my fault. And then here comes the tag again. It will always be like this. I can't change this.

• 41:55Lewis Howes?

  So let me fall into one of these four roles to get the attention I mean.

• 41:59Marisa Peer?

  So the minute you go back and say, I messed up today. I'm really sorry. They go, okay. Because they understand life isn't perfect. But it's when you don't do that that you force them to take one of the roles, to believe their life will always be like that, to go through life going, nobody can meet my needs. Who's gonna love me? My dad left when I was two. Who's gonna want me? My own mum said I was a mistake. Who's gonna want me? I, I was the fourth child. I was supposed to be a boy. I was a girl. I was supposed to be a girl. I was a boy. And they always joke about, well, we only had you, you know, because we wanted a son, but we got you. And it's great. We love you, but you were supposed to be a boy.

• 42:37Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 42:37Marisa Peer?

  Even when you say these things as a joke, the child, I mean, that's what Diana did. She knew her mother had three, two girls and then her had to keep going until they had a boy. And she was, I was supposed to be a boy. She knew, so.

• 42:53Marisa Peer?

  Owning it, owning your mistakes.

• 42:55Lewis Howes?

  And don't joke about certain things because even if it seems like a silly joke to you when you're seven or ten or twelve and you hear you weren't supposed to be a boy, you weren't supposed to be a girl, or we, you were an accident.

• 43:07Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 43:08Lewis Howes?

  We didn't want to have more kids, but then you came out and then we taught her too.

• 43:11Marisa Peer?

  Oh, you were a nightmare. You nearly killed me. You know, I worked with somebody who had narcolepsy, which is really interesting, and her medication cost eighteen thousand dollars a month. And she didn't have a job and she was terrified that her Medicare would end and she couldn't get these meds. What was so interesting is she said, you know, when I was little, my mom used to tell me this story. Your brother was the devil, child. He was up all night. It nearly killed me. It nearly killed me. He was the devil, but you, you were the angel from heaven. You were such a good sleeper. You slept all the time. And she said to people, she's such a good sleeper. She's always asleep. She's an angel. Her brother's the devil. He nearly killed me. Now, a baby doesn't have logic.

• 43:56Marisa Peer?

  You don't have logic till you're five. Only feeling and the baby's feeling is, my brother is a devil. He nearly killed her, but I'm an angel because I sleep all the time. I'm a good sleeper. She learned what she lived. She had narcolepsy because the mother told her without meaning to, you're a good sleeper. He's a devil. And often parents do this. They go, this is the pretty one and this is the clever one. This is my problem, child. Oh, this one is going to be the death of me. And they say it in a joke. You're loving their child. Oh, this one, he's going to kill me. This one, I'm going to have nightmares.

• 44:33Lewis Howes?

  What can we be saying instead? As opposed to these, you know, subliminal joking, you know, whether it's from love, but.

• 44:39Marisa Peer?

  Yeah. First of all, you have to understand that every word you say to yourself is an imprint, that your mind and body must act on. Whatever you say is an imprint and your mind's job is go ahead and make that imprint real.

• 44:55Marisa Peer?

  And for a child, whatever you say is also an imprint. I love you because you're beautiful is an imprint which reads as, and if I wasn't, you wouldn't. I love you because you're smart. You're a grade A student. I love you is like, oh, if I wasn't, you wouldn't. And so you have to say to your kids, I love you because you're you. I love you, I'll always love you. I don't love your behaviour, by the way. I don't love the fact that you just hit your brother or got um black currant juice all over the carpet. That's not good. I'm really unhappy about that. I don't, I love you, but I don't love your behaviour.

• 45:34Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 45:34Marisa Peer?

  And if you can bring your children up to separate your love for them from how they behave, they feel safe. And feeling safe is again is a need. I'm safe. There's nothing my mommy would ever do. That would stop her loving me. And we know that um. Uh, people who try and abduct children will often say, no, mommy doesn't want you. You did something really bad. What did you do? And there was a very famous case in America, you probably know it, of this guy who drove up to a school. Stop the car, your your mum's really ill in hospital. She sent me to get you. She's really, really ill. Kid got in, drove away, and he said, they don't want you anymore. You did something really bad. What did you do? And he said.

• 46:17Marisa Peer?

  I wrote on the garage wall. And that's right, you wrote on the garage wall. And that's why they don't want you. And you know, he never called home. He had his phone number. There was a movie, this Elvis Costello played the horrible guy. But this kid never called home. And he worked out with it for years until the guy came back to the trailer with another kid. He'd taken a little girl. And he was so freaked out at what was going to happen to her that he. And then like took this little girl, went to the police station. They tried to arrest him. He's a teenager by then.

• 46:47Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 46:48Marisa Peer?

  I think he'd lived with this guy from eight to sixteen. He went to school every day.

• 46:53Lewis Howes?

  No way.

• 46:53Marisa Peer?

  It's a true story. And he never called his parents. And then when he told the police who he was and. And the parents had never changed their number. I think he did try to call once, but he didn't understand about the dialing code. But you see, paedophiles will tell you, I sit in a park and I know which kid to go after. It's the one who looks a bit sad, a bit lost, a bit like, they don't go after the one who's really confident and loud. They don't go after the rebellious one, because they never shut up. And um, one of my clients was telling me that her uncle, she was one of four girls. And he used to come to the house for Friday night dinner and go upstairs and he molested three of them, but not the fourth.

• 47:36Marisa Peer?

  And the fourth was the rebel, she would have screamed the house down. But he systematically systematically abused three of his nieces. And much later, they told the father, and he said, what what do you want me to do? He's my brother.

• 47:50Lewis Howes?

  Oh my gosh.

• 47:51Marisa Peer?

  But they actually took him to court, had him arrested. He went to jail. And they also, why didn't you tell? And you see what paedophiles say to children is, I know, I see enough of them. If you tell anyone, you'll go to jail.

• 48:05Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 48:06Marisa Peer?

  It it's your fault, you see, you you've made me do this. If you tell anyone, we'll all be in so much, oh mommy will go to jail. Daddy will go to jail, you'll go to jail, I'll go to jail. And a child doesn't have that logic. And so. If you have a child who you brought up going, I love you. And there's nothing you could tell me, there's something loving you. Tell me you're gay, I'll be at the wedding. Tell me you've stolen something, well, I we'll talk about that and we'll go back and give the money back. But there's nothing you could do that would ever make me not love you.

• 48:38Lewis Howes?

  That's a beautiful line.

• 48:39Marisa Peer?

  Can come up and say, mum, this neighbour touched me. And they go, well, that's not acceptable. One of my clients, when she told her mother, her mother slapped her face and went, don't say that in this house.

• 48:50Lewis Howes?

  No way.

• 48:51Marisa Peer?

  Some people do crazy things, maybe in shock, but a lot of people. You know, one of my earliest clients told me this really sad story. She was the only Jewish girl in her area. And her father told her that all Jewish fathers have sex with their daughters. So. And so later she asked a friend, she went, that's not true. She goes, well, I thought it must be because. He told me that's what good Jewish girls do. And I mean, of course, Jewish fathers don't do that. Jewish fathers are all wonderful fathers, but. If your kid doesn't feel safe to come and tell you anything, you know, I've had, as my daughter was a teenager, the amount of kids in my house coming in going, oh, I think I'm pregnant, I'm taking drugs, I'm sleeping with this boy just to make him like me.

• 49:35Marisa Peer?

  Because they knew that I would never judge them, like they'd tell me everything. I said, you know, tell me everything.

• 49:40Lewis Howes?

  You're not gonna react in an angry way.

• 49:41Marisa Peer?

  No, sometimes I really wanted to, I really wanted to, but I remembered I said to her when she was little, you will never, ever get in trouble for telling the truth. She goes, mommy, I just got green nail varnish all over your carpet. And I'm like, and she's like, I feel so relieved, mommy. Because I know if I tell you the truth, you won't. Because I said, well, I am cross, but you told me the truth, so I'm just gonna have to suck up the green polish. I mean, she didn't have a perfect childhood. She got grounded, she got punished, she got consequences. But I always wanted to know, I will never punish you for telling the truth, ever, ever, ever. And one day, a school called and said, well, she's gone missing with another girl. They just didn't turn up in the afternoon.

• 50:25Marisa Peer?

  And so I said, what, why? And she goes, well, mommy, my friend had to get the morning after pill. And her parents would be so angry. So I went to the clinic with her and said it was for me, because I knew that you wouldn't be angry. So we bunked off school, went along, and I said that I needed it, because I knew if they called you, you wouldn't punish me. But if they called her parents, her dad would have probably beaten her.

• 50:49Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 50:50Marisa Peer?

  So it's very important. It's not easy, but you have to. And when they tell you the truth, they will tell you stuff that makes your eyes come out in the store. I mean, if you watch that movie, that series, if you watch Sex Education.

• 51:03Lewis Howes?

  Parts of it, yes.

• 51:04Marisa Peer?

  It's so good. People say, that really goes on? Yeah. It really goes on. But you've got to let them tell you the truth and then not judge them.

• 51:14Marisa Peer?

  You know, I remember my daughter coming home and going, because mommy, you know, my friend's brother was stealing all this stuff in the store and seeing loads of baseball hats. And I felt so bad. I said, well, that's your feelings telling you it's wrong. You know, your feelings are the most real thing you have. And if you feel bad when someone is shot, if you feel bad when some guy says, if you love me, you'll have sex with me. If you're fourteen and you've got twenty, you're a boy for getting it. It's gonna be great and it's alright and you have terrible feelings. Your body's going, you're not ready. And you have to say to him, I'm not ready. And if he leaves you, well, he would have left you anyway. So tell your kids the truth. Own up to your faults. I lost it, I was cranky, I was irritable.

• 51:57Marisa Peer?

  Tell them, whatever you do, you know, if you're in jail, I'll be visiting you every. I say to my daughter, if you ever went to jail, I'd be visiting you every week. Cause there's nothing you could do that would ever make me not love you, nothing. You suggest anything, I'd still love you. I'd be upset at what you did, but I would still love you. And that gives them the freedom to be honest with you.

• 52:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, make mistakes without, yeah.

• 52:21Marisa Peer?

  To know that you're not gonna throw them out of the house. Cause they're pregnant, kick them out because they did something bad. You know, one of my trainers is this amazing Chinese guy. And he was telling me under our training, he said, my dad made me leave the house when I was eleven. I didn't get with my mother. When did you go back? He went, no, I never went back. They wouldn't have me back. I said, what do you mean? He said, well, they kicked me out. I said, where do you live? He said, I lived with actually a bunch of hookers. They were very kind to me and pimps. And he said, and I drank a lot to survive. And he said, what was so interesting is people often say you're killing yourself with drink. He said, I had to be numb to get through that. But then he said something, he said, they were Chinese, you see?

• 53:06Marisa Peer?

  And that's what Chinese will do. I said, no, that's not, that's like the Jewish thing. Chinese will don't kick their children out of the house. Because they don't get on with them and let them never come back. But he had justified it and made it okay. It's not okay, it's never okay.

• 53:24Lewis Howes?

  What's the difference between feelings and thoughts?

• 53:28Marisa Peer?

  Well, you could change your thoughts. So, it's a good question. So a feeling is something you feel. It's come from the body.

• 53:34Lewis Howes?

  It's physical.

• 53:35Marisa Peer?

  Suddenly, I've seen a snake and I feel, I've seen a rat and I feel repulsed. I remember seeing a rat in my house and I felt, ugh, a rat, horrible. I mean, I could pick up a hamster, I could pick up a little, um, turtle. You know, I could hold a butterfly, I could hold a ladybug, because the picture is, this is cute. But I wouldn't hold a cockroach or a dung eating beetle. I wouldn't hold a moth.

• 54:02Marisa Peer?

  And so, when you get a feeling, you've got a picture. And you feel scared. And the feeling is so instant, we think the feeling comes immediately. So a feeling, you have to talk yourself out of a feeling.

• 54:16Marisa Peer?

  Thoughts are also pretty instant, but you can change them very quickly. I'm going on a date, I feel terrified. No, actually I don't, I feel excited. I've got a choice. Feel terrified, feel excited. You know, one of my clients was a very famous rock star and he had to pay someone to push him on stage. So he'd get all ready, super excited, he's at LA Bowl or the O2. He's got the guitar, just about to go and he thinks, oh my god, I can't do this. Because he's got the feeling of absolute fear. And so up comes a guy whose job it is to push him on stage. And he begins to do that and then he feels great.

• 54:58Marisa Peer?

  But that feeling would have overwhelmed him if he hadn't decided, I'm just gonna feel the feeling and carry on. So, you know, feelings, we think we're a victim of our feelings, we're not. You can, you can choose to interpret a feeling and thoughts, you, you have to make sense of them. But here's an interesting rule, your thoughts control your feelings. Your feelings control your actions. And your actions control your events. Or you could say your thoughts dictate your feelings. Your feelings dictate your actions and your actions dictate your events. So that actually says a thought comes first, even before the feeling.

• 55:41Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 55:42Marisa Peer?

  A thought comes first. And then comes the feeling and then comes the action. So all the laws go back to change your thoughts. We we try, so I'm gonna change this, I feel so sad, I'm gonna change that, I feel so lonely. I feel so unhappy. But actually, if you change your thinking, it will take care of the feeling.

• 56:04Lewis Howes?

  You won't feel that way.

• 56:05Marisa Peer?

  No. It's like if you go and watch a roller coaster, people are screaming. You have, are they screaming because they're terrified or happy? Who knows? But you get to choose what you think about that. It's a bit like, you know, I think I told you this story before about one of my clients who had breast cancer. And she's, well, I feel so lucky because I don't need a breast. I need a leg and an arm and an eye, but I don't need that. And sometimes with the strangest things that happen, if you can look back and go, oh, well, how I thought about that event affected me way more than the event.

• 56:43Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 56:45Marisa Peer?

  It's always how you think about it, yeah.

• 56:47Lewis Howes?

  The meaning behind it.

• 56:47Marisa Peer?

  So we're taught that we're, we can't change our feelings. Our feelings come upon us and there's nothing we can do. But we're taught that our thoughts, well, we maybe we can run those, but it's not true. You can change your feelings and your thoughts. And if you change your thoughts, you change your feelings. If you change your feelings, it doesn't change your thoughts.

• 57:09Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 57:10Marisa Peer?

  So a lot of people go, you know, I'm I'm really nervous, so I'm gonna like jump up and down and take some deep breaths and breathe into a brown paper bag because I heard that was good. And I'm doing all of that. So I'm controlling the feelings, but the thoughts come back. So let's say you said, I'm I'm terrified of birds or dogs. And if I saw one out of a heart attack.

• 57:29Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 57:30Marisa Peer?

  A little bird landing on my table, that, oh, no, I don't even go to outside restaurants because a little bird, that would kill me, or or dogs, I don't like, I don't like cats. See, these are thoughts. Now, if you try to say to someone, look, it's such a cute little dog, it's such a sweet little bird, it can't hurt you. Because the feelings are going on, you believe that's not true. But when you change the thoughts, the feeling does go away completely. Which is why, again, people can have little pet gerbil and be terrified. Of a mouse. It's why you could eat lamb, but not horse. I mean, I would never eat foal. I wouldn't eat donkey. I wouldn't eat pony. I wouldn't eat baby elephant.

• 58:15Marisa Peer?

  But I eat lamb. I don't eat lamb very often, but I'm not a vegan. I was for a long time and a vegetarian. It's the thinking. So a vegan would go, I could never eat anything with a face. But the thought is there and then they would feel sick if anything with a face. So if I had a big lump of meat in my hand now. What do you think about that? Well, if you're a vegan, you'd think that's disgusting. That was a living sentient creature. If you're a Hindu, you'd think that's so offensive. That's a sacred animal. If you're a bird, you'd go, great. Protein. If you're starving, think protein. I had a syringe in my hand right now. What is that? Well, if you're having a tattoo, it's very exciting.

• 58:59Marisa Peer?

  It's a way to get inked all over your arm. If you're in immense pain, that's fantastic. It's gonna take the pain away. If you're a drug addict, that's like, oh, yes, I'm gonna get off my face now. And if you're scared of needles. It's like, oh, I I I faint at the sight of needles. I I can't even look at, no, no, I've got raging tooth. I'm not going to the dentist ever because I don't like needles. So it's not the needle, is it? It's not the lump of meat. It's what you think about it. Dictates what you feel about it. So you don't have a feeling about the meat or the needle. You have a thought. And a thought dictates the feeling.

• 59:41Lewis Howes?

  Is this why hypnotherapy is so powerful? Because if people can't change their thoughts themselves, then you can

• 59:47Marisa Peer?

  Does it for them.

• 59:47Lewis Howes?

  Get them to a relaxed state to allow them to think differently and say, oh, it's not that bad.

• 59:52Marisa Peer?

  It's really powerful. I mean, proper hypnotherapy, the kind I do, and you know, all therapy is good, but proper hypnotherapy excites the imagination. It doesn't say every day in every way you're getting better. It says you are elated and excited and thrilled. And turned on by going to the gym and you love working. Then you come home and you choose to eat the right food and then you work on your business plan and you're so excited and the right ideas take root and develop and you formulate something amazing and you monetize a gift and you're just so successful.

• 1:00:30Marisa Peer?

  Because the mind loves exciting words. The words must be in the present tense. They must make a picture. And they must be powerful and dramatic. And even better, have powerful words in front of the words. So I give my clients the words they've always wanted to hear. That's all I do really is the first time I'm like a detective and I'm gathering information that come in. Or maybe I'm online, or maybe I'm teaching other people. And the first thing you do is you're an investigator. A detective lays out pictures and goes, oh, look at that. Look at that. If I look at those, I understand what went wrong. So I'm a detective and I'm understanding what went wrong.

• 1:01:11Marisa Peer?

  And then straight away after that, all good hypnotherapists do this, particularly RTT, our rapid transformational therapists. Investigate. They find an imprint. There's always an imprint, a scared child, an authority figure and something that goes on. But then the next bit, which most therapists don't do is you interpret that with your client. If you go, look, you do this because of that, they go, well, really? I went home and told my mum, she said, that's rubbish. Of course you don't. I went home and told my husband, he says, I don't think that's true. And now I'm doubting it. And I used to do that, I'd go, okay, you do this because of that. Most of them said, yes. But when I got my clients to do it with me, let's work. Why do you think you did it?

• 1:01:55Marisa Peer?

  They go, well, now you've mentioned it, of course. When I was four, these twin brothers came along and I now I can see that I felt replaced, usurped. No longer I lost my status. I didn't know who I was.

• 1:02:12Lewis Howes?

  So it's allowing the patient to investigate as well.

• 1:02:14Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, and then, so they investigate, um, find the imprint, interpret, but then you interrupt it. You completely smash that idea out of the park. Yes, I know, when you were two, when you were born, you weighed three pounds, you nearly died. Your parents fed you with a dropper. If you broke, your mum cried hysterically and was on the phone to the doctor. And your dad would go, we've got to get this baby to eat, otherwise it's going to be back into the preemie ward. But now you're forty two, you weigh three hundred pounds. You're not going to die anymore. So you interrupt it and you have to be funny and relevant, but also quite tough. It's not a good enough reason to keep doing that.

• 1:02:56Marisa Peer?

  Going to all you can eat buffets is not a challenge. If you're not supposed to eat as much as you possibly can because it's free. Because there's no such thing as free, take whatever you want and then pay for it. And when you eat all that food, they're losing it, but you're paying for it.

• 1:03:14Lewis Howes?

  The price that you're paying for it.

• 1:03:16Marisa Peer?

  So after you've done the investigate, imprint, interpret, interrupt, then you do what I call the installing. So you go from being a detective to like a doctor who's extracting all the toxins. Then you become a coder and you code in and you wire in and firing, yeah. And the mind learns by repetition, the mind learns by repetition and it only responds to words that make a picture. If you go, I'm not bad, me, I have good days and bad days, I'm all right. No, you have to go, I am the greatest. Muhammad Ali said, I told myself I was the greatest, I didn't even know I was, but I said it and I became it.

• 1:03:57Marisa Peer?

  He could have gone, I'm not bad, me, good days, bad days, I didn't, sometimes I'm all right, sometimes I'm good.

• 1:04:04Lewis Howes?

  I will win, I am the best.

• 1:04:06Marisa Peer?

  No one can beat me, he said that no, no one can beat me, which actually wasn't true. He was beaten, but he carried on saying it and now we tend to think of him as the unbeaten Muhammad Ali. The person who never got it wrong. So when you meet people who say, I'm the best, I'm the greatest, I'm amazing. We forget that some of those actors did movies that were dreadful, we forget that they did some things wrong.

• 1:04:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, Conor McGregor's lost a few fights.

• 1:04:35Marisa Peer?

  We just remember how good they were because they told us we were good. So the most important part of hypnotherapy are the two things. One is you must find the reason and remove it. And the second is, you must put in really powerful, powerful, powerful words. And a lot of therapists don't.

• 1:04:57Lewis Howes?

  Do it repeatedly, repeatedly over and over.

• 1:04:59Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, about a twelve to fifteen minute long audio, but it's got to be really exciting.

• 1:05:03Lewis Howes?

  And I listen to it every day, yeah.

• 1:05:05Marisa Peer?

  Twenty-one days, not every day. You can listen to it for three weeks and then it's gone in. It's wired in, it's fired in. You can then, maybe a month later, you've got some important interview. Play it again. But a lot of people don't understand. They either go to therapy and they understand why, but they still do it because they don't do the new installation, or they do the installation without finding out why. So they file these recordings. And I know they work because somebody said, oh, I bought your recording for examiners. And my kid, who was lying on the floor hysterical, just said, oh, I'm going to ace that exam. And she went in there and she did. So it does work. But when you do both, it works forever. And you know, therapy is such a strange thing.

• 1:05:50Marisa Peer?

  And I'm not anti any therapist, but there's no other professional that they go, bring me your pain and we'll talk about it. Nobody goes, hey dentist, I've got this terrible infection. Why don't you come in and we'll have a conversation about it. Every Wednesday at three o'clock. They go, get that infection out. No one says to their doctor, I've got, I think I broke my arm. We can discuss that every week. How's the pain today? I don't know, I'm being facetious, but it's such a strange model. Let's discuss your pain every week until you get used to it, get to understand it, get familiar with it or get past it. I'm like, why don't you just get past it straight away?

• 1:06:30Marisa Peer?

  Because if someone came to me and said, I have a chronic, chronic headaches, I wouldn't ever say, let's. I'd say, let me get rid of the headache today, right now. We use hypnosis and we can certainly turn the pain right down. And then we can find out why you have it. But I would never say, well, let's discuss it and.

• 1:06:52Marisa Peer?

  So hypnotherapy is more powerful, I think, than any other therapy because it it both removes the pain and removes the cause of the pain.

• 1:07:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:00Marisa Peer?

  It takes away the pain and it takes away the cause. They'll say, but surely if you stop someone smoking, they bite their nails. You stop someone drinking, don't they go gambling?

• 1:07:08Lewis Howes?

  They do something else, yeah.

• 1:07:09Marisa Peer?

  Oh, if you do it properly, they never, ever do that because you take away the source of the pain and the pain. It's like you saying, I've got weeds in my lawn, I mowed them, but two years later, they came back. That's so weird. It's not really weird because you left the roots intact.

• 1:07:27Lewis Howes?

  What's the what's the main cause of most people smoking? That that keeps them addicted for so long? Is there a common theme?

• 1:07:34Marisa Peer?

  Well, yeah, it's it's it's like everything, whether you're smoking, drinking, gambling, it's your belief. Like a lot of smokers, I can't go to the bathroom if I don't smoke. Well, what do they think non smokers do? They go to the bathroom and they go, no, no, I I can't relax if I don't smoke. I can't focus if I don't, so I can't digest a meal if I don't smoke. I mean, I've heard every single reason why people must smoke because, I mean, I worked with a famous writer and she said, I can't write without cigarettes. I'm like, is that where your talent lies? In a packet of Marlboro Lights? I didn't know that. I thought you were gifted. You just said, no, it's the Marlboro Lights. And she went, it's not the Marlboro Lights. I went, well, then, stop telling yourself that it is.

• 1:08:18Marisa Peer?

  But it's the lies we tell ourselves. So smokers will say, I don't know what to do with my hands. Why don't you look at a non smoker? Do what they do. Drinkers will say, I can't relax without a drink. I can't focus. I can't enjoy myself. Eaters will say, life, how could you live your life without chocolate? How could you enjoy your coffee without sugar? We we lie to ourselves so much. And you know, I I do the opposite. Why don't you tell yourself a better lie? Where did you go? I love my life without sugar. It's thrilling. It's not true. And I know, but if you say it every day, you know what happens? It becomes true.

• 1:08:56Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:08:57Marisa Peer?

  No one was more of a chocoholic than me. No one ate more sugar than me.

• 1:09:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:02Marisa Peer?

  Until I decided to stop poisoning my body and realize that it's a horrible thing. It doesn't mean it doesn't taste lovely.

• 1:09:09Lewis Howes?

  It's almost like we're all hypnotizing ourselves every day throughout our whole life.

• 1:09:13Marisa Peer?

  That's true. We are hypnotized every day.

• 1:09:16Lewis Howes?

  Based on what we're saying to ourselves.

• 1:09:17Marisa Peer?

  And and also the media, who, by the way, if you put on a computer or drive to work, you are invited to eat rubbish food about five hundred times a day. You know, you put on an advert. There's no adverts for broccoli or yummy pears. The adverts are fast food. I mean, I went to the Olympics in London. I took my godson.

• 1:09:40Lewis Howes?

  I was there. I loved it.

• 1:09:41Marisa Peer?

  And there were three sponsors, Cadbury's, McDonald's and Coca-Cola. You can remember they were giving out, they had the purple trays. They were giving out Cadbury's. And I'm like, this is, isn't that weird that chocolate is sponsoring the Olympics? But they have the money because it made us believe that you can't have Valentine's Day without chocolate. You can't have Christmas without chocolate. How can you have Easter without Easter eggs? So we've got all of this stuff wired into our brain. It makes me happy. It makes me feel good, but you know, you can unwind that. It's actually really, really easy.

• 1:10:17Lewis Howes?

  I was in college, my senior year of college, I was, I wanted to be an All-American decathlete. And I had six months where I made the decision, okay, my dream was to be an All-American my whole life. I didn't get it in football originally. I did after this, but I had one season left, which is what I thought. And I had the track season. And I was a decent sprinter and I could high jump and I can do a few events. But I was not good at any one event in order to make my goal of being an All-American. But the decathlon, which is ten events, I was like, huh, maybe if I put all these together, maybe I could. But I'd never done the pole vaults and I'd never done hurdles and a few other events. And for me, the pole vault was the scariest because I didn't like going upside down.

• 1:11:00Lewis Howes?

  I didn't like being on a little pole for ten feet in the air. I didn't want to bend something and snap and break my neck, all these fears. And I literally did what you said, which was I made it a voice audio recording back then when I was 21. It was about eight to 10 minutes long, just essentially hyping myself. I love going upside down. I love bending a pole where it almost snaps and slingshots me to achieve my goal. I just talked about this over and over. And then every night I would listen to this.

• 1:11:29Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:30Lewis Howes?

  I would listen to it before I did the pole vault. And I would watch highlight videos every night before I go to sleep of the best pole vaulters in the world. And I was horrible at the time, but I took the actions on the thoughts, which made the events a possibility.

• 1:11:44Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:44Lewis Howes?

  And I didn't even know what I was doing, but I was just like, I need to trick my mind until I became confident. I'm curious, you talked about, you know, telling ourselves better lies. How do we become more self-confident or overcome doubt?

• 1:11:57Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:57Lewis Howes?

  If we've never been confident and then just lie that we are.

• 1:12:01Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, well, it's what I call lie, cheat and steal. Lie to your mind, cheat fear, steal back the phenomenal confidence you were born with. So a baby doesn't really have a fear of being upside down or a pole. And then a baby would put a cockroach in their mouth if you let them. Shove their hands in an electric socket if you allowed them to. Touch a really hot oven because they are fearless, they're kamikaze pilots. So I think you should lie to your mind all the time. You know, when I go on stage to this day, I still get this tingling in my fingers and tingling in my toes. And I know it's adrenaline and I could go, oh my God, I'm so nervous. Look, my hands are shaking now and I'm really nervous.

• 1:12:45Marisa Peer?

  So I could go, I'm so excited. I love it, love it, love it, love it, love it. And many years ago, I had an experience, probably the first time I really listened to the power of lying to yourself. And I was in bed, it was late at night. And the BBC called me and said, can you come on the radio in the morning? We want to talk about the work you've done with this football club and how they've gone from nowhere to being in the Premier League. And I'm like, sure. And they said, well, we'll pick you up at 6 a.m., it's very early. And then we'll take you to the studio to do the radio show. So six AM about ten to six, I got out of bed, cleaned my teeth. I think I half combed my hair, got in the car, went off, sat down. And then all of a sudden, they said, actually, we're no, we're gonna put you straight on the news.

• 1:13:28Marisa Peer?

  So they started to run me across the car park and I'm like, where's hair and makeup? They're like, no, we haven't got time for that. You're going on the news. This is such a great story. Forget about the radio, we want you on the news. So I sat down.

• 1:13:39Lewis Howes?

  Video, TV, yeah.

• 1:13:40Marisa Peer?

  TV and I'm trying to comb my hair, put on a bit of lipstick. I mean, I've just woken up. And the gurney is there and I know it's coming towards me like this. And I knew I had a choice. I could go, oh, my god, why didn't you put on a nice jacket? Why didn't you comb your hair? Why didn't you put on makeup? Why didn't you? And I remember saying, I have a choice now. I've got thirty seconds to either go kind of idiot you or to go, I love it. So I began to go, I love it, I love it, I love it. I love being live on the BBC news. I love it so much. I love it and hear it. So I love it, love it, love it, love it. Love it right in my face. And then I just did the interview and it was great. But I kept saying, oh, my god, I haven't even combed my hair. It looks so awful. And actually, one person said, hey, I saw you. Why don't you comb your hair?

• 1:14:25Marisa Peer?

  I thought, I know, it was six AM, but no one, there's a dog that said, cool, what you did with that football team. That was extraordinary. No one else said.

• 1:14:33Lewis Howes?

  One person noticed.

• 1:14:34Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, that was a girl, of course. And I noticed, but you know.

• 1:14:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:39Marisa Peer?

  But it's the lying to yourself. I can do it. You know, I'm sure you know this very famous story about someone asking a major rock star what it's like. He went, it's amazing. Going on stage is better than an orgasm. You see, just before you go on, your fingers tingle and your heartbeats and this adrenaline goes, it's just so awesome. And and everything is going on. You're shaking, trembling, sweating, heartbeats pounding a million miles a minute. And then you go on stage and there they are and they love you and it's like, it's better than sex. Now accuse someone, they said, why did you stop performing? They said, well, the most terrible thing happened to me. Now, every time I was about to go on stage,

• 1:15:23Marisa Peer?

  my fingers would tingle and my heart beats so fast. And then I'd get all this adrenaline and I started sweating and I realized I was having a massive panic attack. And it happened every time. So I retired from performing. So you see, they both lied to themselves. She said it was a panic attack. He said it was better than sex. But it's better to say, this is exciting, this is thrilling, this is amazing. Even when it isn't, when someone's putting a needle in your arm. And you go, oh, is that gonna hurt? Better to go, I'm so great. And I'm just reading my phone here, oh, look at that, that's fantastic. I'm oblivious to what's going on in my arm.

• 1:16:04Marisa Peer?

  And by the way, needles are so fine now that I won't even notice it. So it is a lie, but it's a good lie. And we all lie to, when you say, I'm just rubbish, I'm just useless. I don't even know why I'm here. Who's ever gonna want me? Well, isn't that a lie? Why would you say that? You know, some of the most happily married women in the world have got scars, flaws. And yet they have people that worship them. And some of the most beautiful women in the world go, yeah, but you know, I've got big feet. Or I've got this downy hair on my legs. I don't even want to see, yeah, this mole. Or when I do that, I've got this fat. And they, they lie to themselves.

• 1:16:48Marisa Peer?

  I am not enough is the biggest lie in the world. That's why I founded the I'm Enough movement. Because it's a lie. No baby says, I'm not enough because I haven't got a dad. Or I haven't got any teeth yet. Or I've got these milk spots. I've got no hair. And so we all, when we say, I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not attractive enough. I'm not interested, that is a lie. Because my grandparent say, every pan has a lid. And, and then when I got married to John, I said, I found my lid. And he found his lid. And I'm far from perfect, and so is he. But these people that wait, they're waiting to be prettier, thinner, richer, more interesting.

• 1:17:32Marisa Peer?

  They're missing out on so much love because that's a lie. You don't have to be perfect to be loved. You have to be you. And you'll never get to perfect. Perfect is a race. And as you run towards it, they move the finishing line again and again and again. And I've met with many people who appear to be perfect and they are always the unhappiest of all my clients and always the loneliest too.

• 1:17:57Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:17:57Marisa Peer?

  Because that's a lie, that there isn't a perfect person on the planet and many of my clients are supermodels, so you know. It becomes, it's horri-, everyone expects me to be amazing, Eric Clapton's wife, Patty, I mean, they wrote, she, and George Harrison wrote for her, something in the way you move. Tracks me like no other lover and Eric wrote Wonderful Tonight and Leila. And I asked her once what that was like, she said it was horrible, horrible. People expected this goddess to walk in the room and I always felt I was going to disappoint them.

• 1:18:33Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:18:34Marisa Peer?

  Which is such a shame because she is actually a lovely, lovely person Patty, but just because she was a supermodel on the cover of Vogue and she said I looked for every flaw. You know what? I always found it because if you look for flaws, that's one of the rules of the mind, you find what you look for. If you look for what's wrong, of course you'll find it. If you look for what's right, you'll find that. If you look for why you're not enough, of course you'll find it. If you look for why you are enough, just the way you are, you're enough because you're enough.

• 1:19:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:08Marisa Peer?

  So, everything's a lie.

• 1:19:10Lewis Howes?

  Lie to yourself.

• 1:19:10Marisa Peer?

  So, tell yourself a better lie.

• 1:19:11Lewis Howes?

  Lie, cheat, steal.

• 1:19:12Marisa Peer?

  Well, aren't we all doing that now? I'm locked, I'm in lockdown.

• 1:19:15Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:19:16Marisa Peer?

  I'm in, I'm in quarantine. Nobody's in quarant-, quarantine is when you're in like a tent in a hospital, nobody can go in. That's quarantine.

• 1:19:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you're fine.

• 1:19:24Marisa Peer?

  We're not in quarantine, we're not cooped up, stuck, trapped, no one's taken our freedom away. No, we're not prisoner, but you see, this is the lie, the lies we say. I've got to be a grade A student, I'm not enough, I'm rubbish.

• 1:19:40Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:19:40Marisa Peer?

  And you might as well, since we all lie to ourselves. The freeway is killing me, isn't that a lie? My job makes me want to die, well, that's a lie. If I get rejected one more time, I jump under a train, but that's a lie. I've eaten. Non-stop for twenty-four hours, really? Did you pee? Yes. Did you eat while you were peeing? No. Did you sleep? Yes. So, did you? No. So, you just said you ate non-stop for twenty-four hours. That's a lie. My legs are the size of a house. That's a lie. I've got a barn the size of... I've got... Sorry. I've got a bum the size of a city. That's a lie. I should say butt. My butt is the size of a small city.

• 1:20:25Marisa Peer?

  It's a lie. I can eat enough. I eat... It's not just an army eats. All of these things are lies. My kid is ordered to kill myself. My partner is making me go crazy. I'm insane with tiredness. I'm shattered. I'm exhausted. They're all lies. You're not... You need a bit of sleep. My kid's a nightman. No, they're age-appropriate. So, we all lie. So, tell yourself a better lie.

• 1:20:53Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:20:53Marisa Peer?

  And you'll have a whole better life.

• 1:20:55Lewis Howes?

  Tell yourself a better lie, live a better life.

• 1:20:57Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, exactly. Why not?

• 1:20:58Lewis Howes?

  When you came and spoke at the Summer of Greatness, you talked about the I Am Enough book and challenge and everything. And we... It's funny, because Jeanette and I, my girlfriend, were walking the day afterwards in Columbus and checking out some shops. And there was a big sign that was... An art sign said, "I Am Enough." And I bought it for her, and she has it now. And it's a reminder to constantly tell yourself that lie. It's a good lie, that you are enough.

• 1:21:23Marisa Peer?

  And you know, one of the wonderful things to do with I Am Enough, you see, I mean, you might notice I have these little bracelets. They always say, "I'm enough." I wear them. You should write it on your mirror. Write it on your fridge. Put it in fridge. Use liner or lipstick or marker. Write it on your mirror. Put it on your fridge. Put it on your screens. Put it on your phone alert, so it goes off twice a day. And very securely incorporate it into all your passwords. Imagine if the first thing you do in the morning is clean your teeth. And there it is, "I'm enough." And then your phone pings at eight AM, "I'm enough." And then you go to unlock your phone. You've got to type in... Obviously, dots, squiggles.

• 1:22:00Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, right.

• 1:22:01Marisa Peer?

  Safe, "I'm enough." When you write it, read it, speak it, and see it every day, it goes in anyway. It sinks in, and it makes such a difference. And then it isn't a lie anymore. It becomes real. Because first of all, we say things like... I'm enough and your mind goes, you're not really enough, are you? Because you buy your clothes in Target and you live in a shed. You're not really enough because you've got a very lowly job and

• 1:22:25Lewis Howes?

  Your girlfriend left you.

• 1:22:26Marisa Peer?

  An old guy girlfriend left you, your kids won't speak to you. You're not really enough because you've got cellulite or not really enough because you're not tall. But then when you keep saying it, what happens is because you're the one objecting, by the way. You run out of objections, you go, you know what? I'm not tall, neither is Kevin Hart, I'm still enough. I I'm not a size two, neither is J Lo, I'm still enough. I'm not whatever, but I'm still enough. You actually run out of objections. When you run out of objections, then it goes in and then it starts to nourish you, you know? I was saying to you, when you have dry skin and you put on lotion, you're nourishing yourself and your body doesn't go, is that lotion fair trade?

• 1:23:11Marisa Peer?

  Organic, because you've got any parabens, it just goes, oh. This dryness is being nourished now by some lotion. But you have to nourish your soul with words and they go in too. So nourish your soul with better words and there's nothing better than I'm enough because its strength is its simplicity. You were born knowing you're enough and so what you're doing is reactivating and re-manifesting and regenerating a truth that is your innate birthright.

• 1:23:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:23:42Marisa Peer?

  And no one came and took it away. People say like, oh, your brother was in my class, he was saying, what happened to you? Or your sister, she's so much kind or neater than you, so we, he would do chip away at it. But it hasn't gone, it's just been buried and you can resurrect it.

• 1:24:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's beautiful.

• 1:24:01Marisa Peer?

  Yeah, it's amazing.

• 1:24:02Lewis Howes?

  People need to get your book and then they need to go to RTT. When it comes, when it comes back open, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna take Jeanette sometime.

• 1:24:09Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 1:24:10Lewis Howes?

  And a lot of people who have listened to the last episode said they went to your trainings and they buy your programs and they love it. Transforming them, so. Anyone watching, listening right now, you gotta sign up for your next training when it comes available online, in person. Where can we get access to these things?

• 1:24:27Marisa Peer?

  So RTT.com, you can go to RTT.

• 1:24:31Lewis Howes?

  RTT.com.

• 1:24:32Marisa Peer?

  Just RTT, it means rapid transformational therapy, but RTT.com, which has won so many awards since I last saw, I think we won eighteen awards, best therapy, best product, best training. We even won the best pharmaceutical. It's not a pharmaceutical, you won it because of the impact you're having on depression. So that's cool. So rtc.com, you can either find a therapist who does exactly what I do. Get so results, or you can train to be one. And we do both live and online training. It's amazing. And if you go to marissapeer.com, we give away tons of products. We have at the moment, a product that boosts your immune system. So that you're not going to get sick.

• 1:25:12Lewis Howes?

  I love it.

• 1:25:12Marisa Peer?

  We have wealth wiring, love blocks, money blocks. They're all completely free. So we don't ask for your credit card or anything like that. Just go there and take tons of stuff. But if you want to find a great therapist, or indeed be one.

• 1:25:26Lewis Howes?

  RTT.com.

• 1:25:27Marisa Peer?

  No background in therapy is required.

• 1:25:29Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 1:25:29Marisa Peer?

  Just people skills, that's it. Then go to RTT.com.

• 1:25:33Lewis Howes?

  Amazing.

• 1:25:34Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:34Lewis Howes?

  Amazing. You've got a great YouTube channel. All that stuff is up on your website, marissapeer.com, Instagram, social media.

• 1:25:41Marisa Peer?

  And I'm so lucky, I'm so glad I was called like Marisa Peer and not Sue Smith. Because you can always find me on YouTube and Instagram.

• 1:25:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:49Marisa Peer?

  Because of my name, a bit like you, it's great when you've got an unusual name.

• 1:25:51Lewis Howes?

  Unique names. I like it.

• 1:25:53Marisa Peer?

  Yeah.

• 1:25:53Lewis Howes?

  Amazing. I asked you this question the last time. I'm going to see if it changes for you. And we'll go back and check. It's called the three truths.

• 1:26:01Marisa Peer?

  Okay.

• 1:26:01Lewis Howes?

  So imagine that it's your last day on earth, many years from now. And you've created every program, every free content, paid program, all this stuff. You've created it, but you've got to take it with you.

• 1:26:14Marisa Peer?

  Okay.

• 1:26:14Lewis Howes?

  On your last day. So no one has access to any of the hypnotherapy, the healing stuff. No one has access to your content. But you get to share three lessons to the world. This is all you can leave behind.

• 1:26:24Marisa Peer?

  Okay.

• 1:26:25Lewis Howes?

  These three lessons, or three truths. What would you say would be yours?

• 1:26:29Marisa Peer?

  I'm enough would be the first truth. Always tell yourself you're enough.

• 1:26:35Marisa Peer?

  Don't let in destructive criticism. You get to choose. Not letting it in will change your life.

• 1:26:43Marisa Peer?

  What would be my third? Talk to yourself better. Talk to yourself as if you are your own best friend. We would never say to our best friend, "Oh, you're such a loser. Oh, my God, why did you wear that? It doesn't suit you. How could you ever think you could write a book? That's terrible. You forgot the best ingredient. You haven't left. You don't have enough time to get to the meeting, you idiot." Talk to yourself like you're your own best friend, your own best lover, your own best parent. You know, some of my clients come in and they have what I call the missing bit. They're still waiting for some absent father to go, "I love you." Some withholding parent to go, "You're amazing." Some mean teacher that had a bad week to say, "You're smart." And half the people they're waiting to fill them up are already dead.

• 1:27:28Marisa Peer?

  So whatever the words I've been waiting for, say them. "You're a great kid. How lucky you might be, your parent. You're the smartest kid in the school. You're my favorite. You're the best friend." There is a template for best friend, best girlfriend, husband, lover, kid. You're the template. Tell yourself that because it becomes true.

• 1:27:53Lewis Howes?

  Wow. Marissa, I acknowledge you for being an amazing gift and inspiration to so many of us. From all the experiences you've had in your life, from all the people who've been messed up in the world that you've coached over the years. You've just learned so much and you make it simple. You make it easy for us to understand something that seems so painful and challenging. So, thank you for your time, your wisdom. Make sure you guys check out Marissa's stuff. It's mind blowing. It's powerful. Appreciate you very much. Thank you.

• 1:28:20Marisa Peer?

  You're welcome. Thank you.

• 1:28:24Lewis Howes?

  My friend, I hope you enjoyed this episode with the inspirational Marissa Peer. All about how to change your mind, your feelings, your thoughts to attract love, abundance, and wealth in your life. How to be a better human being. If you enjoyed this, make sure to go to the School of Greatness podcast over on Apple. Click the subscribe button right now and leave us a review. Share this. With one friend you think might change their life, might improve their life, might impact their life. You have the power to transform someone that you care about today by sending this link, LewisHowes.com/949, or simply copying and pasting the link on the podcast app that you're listening to. Just take that link, text a friend and say, "Hey, I was thinking about you.

• 1:29:06Lewis Howes?

  I think this might improve and help your life right now." Post it on social media, put it in a WhatsApp group, chat message, put it wherever you can. This message needs to be seen and heard far and wide. I'm so grateful that you took the time to be here. I'm so grateful that you took the time to improve yourself. This is not the school of average. This is the school of greatness, and that's what you're here to do. You're here to grow. You're here to learn. And people that constantly learn and evolve and grow, they attract more great things in their life. As Lao Tzu said, "Knowing others is intelligence. Knowing yourself is wisdom. Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power."

• 1:29:50Lewis Howes?

  And Viktor Frankl said, "When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." Make sure to check out the full show notes, LewisHowes.com/949, to get the information on Marissa, what she's up to, her books, her programs, all that good stuff is back there as well. I'm so grateful for you. You matter. I love you. And as always, you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.