811 Find Lasting Love with Matthew Hussey

BUILD YOUR CASTLE. Love at first sight is bullshit. A relationship is like a castle. You find a plot of land that has a lot of potential. Then, bit by bit, you build the castle. But it takes work from both of you. One person can’t be laying the bricks while the other is home watching TV. After lots of hard work, you’ll have something unique and ornate that belongs to you. You’ll have a castle. That’s love. On today’s episode of The School of Greatness, I talk about the key to lasting relationships with an international guru of the dating and relationship-coaching scene: Matthew Hussey. Matthew Hussey is a speaker, New York Times Bestselling author, columnist for Cosmopolitan Magazine, and dating expert on ABC’s digital series What To Text Him Back. His corporate clients include Hugo Boss, The Perfume Shop, Virgin Gyms, Procter & Gamble, Bare Escentuals, U. S. legal giant Weil Gotshal & Manges, and global management consultants Accenture. 50,000 women have attended his live events and he has reached over 10 million online. Matthew says that the “activation energy” for starting relationships is lower than ever. This causes ghosting. People are less invested in relationships. But there are ways you can meet people indirectly. So get ready to learn the three things you need to build a great relationship on Episode 811. Some Questions I Ask: Do people even want to have a committed, long term relationship? (19:00) Is a great relationship when you stop thinking about your needs and not expecting anything in return? (21:30) How do we step outside of the emotional feelings in a relationship? (25:00) When do you know you’re ready for a committed, intimate relationship? (47:00) What are the three things you need to have to sustain a relationship? (52:00) In This Episode You Will Learn: About “activation energy” and why things like Tinder make it low (10:00) Why space is important in order to not react emotionally (30:00) About the “castle” metaphor and why you need to build together (38:00) Why the “trash cans” define your relationship more than the highlights (45:00) The four stages of all relationships (1:02:30) The first step you can do to get out of the weeds of singlehood (1:11:30) If you enjoyed this episode, check out the video, show notes, and more at www.lewishowes.com/811 and follow at instagram.com/lewishowes Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 811 with New York Times bestselling author Matthew Hussey. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:32Lewis Howes?

  Lao Tzu said, "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." I am so excited about this interview. I've got my good friend Matthew Hussey on. The last time we did an interview was years ago, and it went viral online. The YouTube video, the audio, everything that this person does just seems to take off because he resonates so deeply with so many individuals. Now, if you don't know who Matthew Hussey is, he's a masterful speaker, a New York Times bestselling author, columnist for Cosmopolitan magazine, dating expert on ABC's digital series, What to Text Him Back. He's been on the Today Show probably 100 something times all over the press.

• 1:17Lewis Howes?

  He started out in London as a one-on-one coach for men, often focusing on confidence issues that impacted relationships. As a result, he created Get the Guy, which focused exclusively on relationships for women, helping them to get the man of their dreams. The brand established Hussey as one of the leading experts in the field of human attraction in the UK and the US. And now he runs programs across the world, helping thousands of men and women reach their true potential. And 50,000 women have attended his live events, and he has reached over 10 million people online. His social media is insanity. It's amazing the wisdom that he gives on his videos, on his messaging.

• 2:01Lewis Howes?

  Everything he do helps so many women around the world understand men better and really understand relationships better. And I follow Matthew personally. I've been following him for years. From the man's perspective on relationships as well, trying to understand just relationships in general. So if you want to learn more how to become masterful in any type of relationship, whether it's intimate. Or a love relationship. He's the guy. He's studied this. He's researched this more than anyone I know. And he dives into the human psychology and relationship dynamics in such a beautiful, powerful way. And in this interview, we talk about the power of having a true partner

• 2:42Lewis Howes?

  and what that can do for your life when you have that true partner. The key to standing out in a noisy world of dating. There's so much confusion, so many apps, so much going on. How do you stand out and really become more magnetic? What it takes for both partners to be in a great relationship and how to grow and thrive together. The importance of investing in the story of a relationship. There's an importance behind the story you tell yourself in the relationship. And why the trash cans at Disney World moved Matthew and the parallels they have to all relationships. I am so excited. Make sure you share this with your friends.

• 3:27Lewis Howes?

  Tag every female that you know, because this is going to blow them away and help them heal, help them find more peace and really help them thrive in relationships more than you know. Make sure to tag every girlfriend right now. LewisHowes.com/811. Tag myself, Lewis Howes, Matthew Hussey over on Instagram, on Twitter. Text your girlfriends. Text all your friends the link right now so they listen to this. It will be a game changer for them. I promise it. Whether they're in a relationship, they're dating someone, they're married, they're single, this will help their life. So send it to them right now. Just copy the link. Be a hero and a champion in someone's life by sending this to them ASAP.

• 4:10Lewis Howes?

  All right, guys. The power of finding and thriving with lasting love. I'm excited about this one with the one and only my good friend, Matthew Hussey.

• 4:24Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back everyone to the School of Greatness Podcast. We've got one of my dear friends, Matthew Hussey, in the house. My man, super pumped.

• 4:31Matthew Hussey?

  Back again.

• 4:32Lewis Howes?

  Last time you were on was four years ago.

• 4:34Matthew Hussey?

  We thought it was three and then I went back and looked at it and you uh...

• 4:37Lewis Howes?

  It's crazy.

• 4:38Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 4:38Lewis Howes?

  Crazy.

• 4:39Matthew Hussey?

  Four years.

• 4:40Lewis Howes?

  And that episode blew up and it continues to get a lot of traction on YouTube and audio. And you continue to blow up. You have a massive audience on social media, on YouTube, email. You have thousands of women that come to your live retreats every year. Thousands of people who are part of your courses and your programs. And you serve so many women who are struggling all the time in finding the right match for them. A loving partnership and a man or a partner they want to be with. And you've been helping women for I think almost a decade now. Is that right? Eight to 10 years?

• 5:17Matthew Hussey?

  Over, yeah.

• 5:18Lewis Howes?

  Ten years.

• 5:19Matthew Hussey?

  It's been over a decade now. This is the 10... This year is the 10 year anniversary of our retreats.

• 5:25Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 5:25Matthew Hussey?

  And the retreat started, I don't know, three or four years into me doing what I do.

• 5:30Lewis Howes?

  Wow, man. So you started when like 15, teaching women how to...

• 5:33Matthew Hussey?

  I was 18 when I started, but I was working with men then, not women.

• 5:36Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 5:37Matthew Hussey?

  When I was 21, I really made that transition to working with women and I've been doing that ever since.

• 5:43Lewis Howes?

  That's amazing, man. And it's interesting, there's a lot that's happened in the last four years. Because Tinder really started exploding, you know, four years ago, I think. It was kind of four, three, two years ago, there was coming around.

• 5:56Matthew Hussey?

  And perhaps lost its taboo maybe in that time.

• 6:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, exactly. And then all the other apps came out to make it more accessible to swipe left and swipe right. And Instagram became a dating app essentially in itself. Snapchat and all these social media apps are just now...

• 6:13Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 6:14Lewis Howes?

  Dating and looking at, there's thousands of options. It seems like there's so many good options, yet not one great option for anyone.

• 6:23Matthew Hussey?

  Well, when you say, you know, they've all become dating apps, then it makes me feel we've come full circle. Cause wasn't that the original point of Facebook? Was to go on and see who on college campus is single, you know, who's, that to me is.

• 6:36Lewis Howes?

  Who's the cute freshman coming in?

• 6:38Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, we kind of started there and we're, you know, it's now just many different ways to do it. Obviously, social media is used for many different things, but I think anything that, that makes easier. The ability to meet people, you know, Cal Newport in his book, The Happiness Advantage, talks about the activation energy required for a task. And the higher the activation energy, the less likely it is you'll do something you want to get yourself to do. So he uses the example of like, if you want to play guitar, keep it by the couch. So that when you sit down to watch the TV, oh, the guitar's there. If it's up in the closet upstairs and you have to go in, now the activation energy is higher. You're less likely to practice playing the guitar.

• 7:19Matthew Hussey?

  And I feel like the activation energy of meeting people, when people had to go out to a bar, you know, dress up, look the part, see someone across the bar, think about what they're gonna say, take the risk to get rejected in front of someone's friends or in front of their own friends. The activation energy was really high. And people, I think, whether they admit it or not, love the idea of the activation energy being really low. That I can slide into someone's DMs on Instagram and hit someone up with very minimal effort. I could be in my pajamas, watching, you know, some TV show doing it.

• 8:01Matthew Hussey?

  And I've also minimized the potential rejection from that. The rejection isn't happening.

• 8:06Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't hurt.

• 8:07Matthew Hussey?

  It's not happening in real time at the very least. You might have the rejection of, I never got a response.

• 8:11Lewis Howes?

  But it doesn't hurt.

• 8:12Matthew Hussey?

  Not quite.

• 8:12Lewis Howes?

  Looking someone in the eyes, your heart's not beating out of your chest.

• 8:15Matthew Hussey?

  It's not real time rejection of, I approached you and you're now being cold to me. Or you don't want to speak to me, or you tell me you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. That's like real time in the moment.

• 8:28Lewis Howes?

  Do you really have a boyfriend?

• 8:29Matthew Hussey?

  Right.

• 8:30Lewis Howes?

  How many times you go up to a girl and they say, I've got a boyfriend, thank you. You're like, you're lying to me.

• 8:34Matthew Hussey?

  I just didn't do well.

• 8:35Lewis Howes?

  I know.

• 8:36Matthew Hussey?

  Um, so that. That is, you know, we've lowered the activation energy for meeting each other. And that, I think, has saved a lot of people. But what it, but it's also done something.

• 8:47Lewis Howes?

  It's hurt a lot of us.

• 8:49Matthew Hussey?

  It's interrupted a little bit, maybe a lot, the story of attraction.

• 8:58Matthew Hussey?

  You know, I thought about this recently, how if, let's say, before any of this, there was a man who meets a woman when they're out in some social environment, they exchange numbers. He goes home and he has to call her, right? Now, that takes guts, I have to pick up the phone, I have to have a conversation and, you know, already I'm kind of investing, if you know what I mean. Before I've even made the phone call, I'm investing because I'm thinking, what am I going to say? And how do I come across right? And how do I still my nerves? That's a form of investment and we tend to value what we invest in. So I'm now already beginning to value this person more because I'm having to try at something.

• 9:39Lewis Howes?

  Because I, I, I met her, I got her number, exchanged information and I'm thinking about the next step.

• 9:44Matthew Hussey?

  And even just, by the way, the meeting someone out and exchanging numbers, there's a story already happening there.

• 9:49Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 9:49Matthew Hussey?

  It worked. I went over to someone and it worked.

• 9:53Lewis Howes?

  And there's a potential for some.

• 9:55Matthew Hussey?

  Oh my God, yeah, she could have said no and she didn't. And she, and I knew, and I thought I was attracted to her and I went over there and I did the thing.

• 10:03Lewis Howes?

  She confirmed it.

• 10:04Matthew Hussey?

  And it worked and now I have a number and this is a story that's happening.

• 10:10Matthew Hussey?

  You go home, you think about it, make the call.

• 10:12Lewis Howes?

  You tell your friends about it.

• 10:14Matthew Hussey?

  Tell your friends, that's a form of investment. I met this girl, you've got to hear about this girl, you've got to see this girl. Adding to the story.

• 10:21Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 10:22Matthew Hussey?

  Now, you go on a date.

• 10:26Matthew Hussey?

  That date, you have a great time, where am I going to take this person, what am I going to do? After the date, you go home and you might have to wait three days or four days till the next date with this person. And in those three or four days, you may not consider it work, but you are working for that person. There's a chasing that's going on in your mind, there's an investment that's going on in your mind, and imagination, the narrative that's happening. And that is all part of that kind of natural courtship that, that pulls us into the next stage of the interaction, whether it's date two, date three, date four, exclusivity, moving in together, whatever it is.

• 11:07Matthew Hussey?

  Now compare that with someone, you know, hits someone up, swipes, we got a match. Okay, there's like no activation energy to that, really. We got a match, who are they? Okay, read their tagline, loves, you know, dancing in the rain, whatever they, you know. Okay, yeah, well, yeah, so what's up? You all right? You know, you wanna hang out? You know, let's go for a quick drink. They get out together, he comes back or she comes back from a date to five more matches.

• 11:41Matthew Hussey?

  Before he's even got time to process whether he had a good time and what was it about this person? What? There's already more options coming at someone. There's more, or at the very least, you can go home and just explore more options from your bed that night after a date. So this interrupting the circuitry. Which will give you more dopamine, which will give you more excitement. Yeah, you're getting attracted to the novelty again right now, not the depth of where this thing might now lead. Now, I'm not saying that that's insurmountable and that we're just all, this is not me painting a picture of doom and gloom about current dating. I do think there is a toxicity, there is a toxic element to modern day dating.

• 12:26Matthew Hussey?

  But it's not, I'm not defeatist about that. I just think that the impact we make on people in the time we have with them becomes that much more important. Cause you can no longer rely on being the only person they're talking to that week or that month. They might be at five dates that week and a hundred messages from guys. And probably today, for a lot of people, it's less likely they're on five dates this week, but they're talking to 10 people this week. You know, they're not, a lot of people are going on fewer dates than everyone thinks. People are having a lot less sex than everyone thinks. But what's happening is there's a lot of nonsense conversations.

• 13:12Matthew Hussey?

  Superficial, you know, going nowhere, incessant texting conversations. Crazy, right? And no one's actually even just getting on the phone and talking, are they? Not unless they wanna be different. Right. And that, that's where it really. Begins to shift is you have to be the person who's different. That takes a risk, stands out. That, yeah, well, and that, that's the current question is in a world with more noise than ever. And for all of your people out there watching right now, everything I think we talk about here in this hour, we can apply to business too. Of course. You can apply everywhere. Yeah.

• 13:52Matthew Hussey?

  I get hired to go do speeches for corporates where I apply what I've learned ten, in ten years of attraction. Yeah. And relationships to business, because it's the same thing going on everywhere right now. There is so much noise. Everyone's talking in business too, right? It used to be that you were, you know, in a, if you were a personal trainer, you were competing with the five personal trainers on your gym floor and maybe down the street at the other local gym. And that was the, those were the people that were your competition. Yeah, now everyone's a fitness trainer. Now, anyone with an Instagram account and a six pack. Yeah. Is your competition.

• 14:36Matthew Hussey?

  Who's trying to sell their digital program or trying to convince people that they don't need to go to their local trainer. That I might be the other side of the world, but I've got something special for you that you should do it with me. So the, the whole thing has opened up. And what that means is that you can no longer rely on just the scarcity of people to be special. I'm the only one in town. Yeah, even if you live in a small town, that someone's options are only limited to the radius they set their dating app to. That's it, right? If I want to expand it out by another state, I got a lot more options. Yeah. So it, we now can no longer rely on that. We have to be, we have to have a voice that defines us.

• 15:21Matthew Hussey?

  We have to have a voice that makes us different. You know, from your business. Of course. There are how many podcasters keep joining every day, every day, every day. You no longer can rely on having the, the market share simply because you're doing podcasting. No. Right? You have to now be a voice that's different. Why are people, people only have so many hours in a week, right? This is a, a long form podcast, it's, you know, the interview's an hour or so on. Why are people gonna sit with their limited hours and listen to my hour instead of these other six or 10 top podcasters? Because we can't listen to them all.

• 15:54Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 15:55Matthew Hussey?

  So now your voice matters. And in dating, our voice matters because it's not enough anymore to just be a viable dating option for someone.

• 16:10Lewis Howes?

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• 16:54Lewis Howes?

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• 17:39Lewis Howes?

  And now let's get back into this episode with Matthew Hussey.

• 17:45Lewis Howes?

  But do people even really want to stand out to have a committed long-term relationship? Or are they more just...? They say they want the commitment, but their actions don't back it with just constantly being surface level, or constantly being a part of the noise as opposed to trying to stand out. It's like they might try to, especially with guys, it's like, okay, maybe it seems like more women want to be committed than more guys want to be committed.

• 18:13Matthew Hussey?

  I, well, that's a tricky one. Most people, I believe, who think they are evolved enough for a relationship or not.

• 18:25Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 18:26Matthew Hussey?

  And for a long time, by the way, I count myself in that category.

• 18:30Lewis Howes?

  Me too, man.

• 18:32Matthew Hussey?

  I really thought, there were times in my life where I really thought I was a great, I was a great guy. I wasn't, I was a, it wasn't that I was ever a nasty person, I was never a mean person, I was never a, I wasn't the great partner I thought I was. It's not like I, there are times in my life where I thought, God, I'm just, I'd just be a great partner to someone. And I was not ready to be a great partner to someone. Because I think the first time you really give yourself to something, really commit yourself to not just your own happiness and your own needs. Because that's what most people talk about when they talk about a relationship is their needs, their happiness. Right?

• 19:17Matthew Hussey?

  How good it feels to be in a relationship, it's about them. But it's not about seeing someone else. Truly seeing someone else. And understanding who they are, and understanding what their needs are, and supporting them and their happiness and their goals.

• 19:36Lewis Howes?

  Is a great relationship when you stop thinking about your needs and you just say, I'm gonna give to this person and, and look at them from a place of understanding and want to bring them so much joy and fulfillment and not expecting return, but hopefully the other person is saying the same thing to, to, about you?

• 19:53Matthew Hussey?

  Well, yes and no. There, there's a lot of,

• 19:58Matthew Hussey?

  there are a lot of people who, on that idea, that ethos, have lived a very masochistic life for a long time.

• 20:07Matthew Hussey?

  That, by the way, you, what you just described could describe one of two things. One beautiful, one terrible. What you just described could either be an extraordinary relationship of two givers, or it could describe unrequited love.

• 20:27Matthew Hussey?

  It could describe the person who is giving, giving, giving, giving, giving to someone and playing the martyr in their own relationship. They keep ignoring me, they keep, you know, not meeting my needs, they keep being selfish, they keep. But I am just gonna show up and be my best and love them and give my all. And one day, they will turn around to meet me in that. Many, many people have, have caused tremendous suffering to themselves and, and wasted a lot of good years. So is it both give to yourself, make sure you're asking for what you need, but also giving?

• 21:07Matthew Hussey?

  It's, I, it's a combination of respecting what your core needs are.

• 21:16Matthew Hussey?

  What, what do I need? Like, when it really comes down to it, what's my standard for what I need? Now, how exactly someone meets that standard is, that's where the messiness of relationships comes in. Cause you say, I wanna be respected and then someone does something and you go, I don't feel respected. But they go, but that doesn't mean a lack of respect to me. So now we have a whole conversation on the execution of a standard. Oh my gosh. And different definitions of what meets that standard. That's, that's where the confusion comes in and that's where we have to have some really loving, cooperative conversations to figure out, am I, you know, am I being, this is one of the hardest parts of a relationship.

• 22:01Matthew Hussey?

  Am I being reasonable in asking for what I'm asking for? Or is this my insecurity speaking? Oh wow. You know, am I, which one is talking? And sometimes we're so close, we don't even know. That's the danger. That's, by the way, I see one of the most valuable jobs I can do for people in my work is not to be a smarter voice than they are. Cause people, people can be great, they can, when it comes to their friends or people around them or whatever, they can be very smart. But to be an objective voice outside of their drunken haze.

• 22:37Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 22:38Matthew Hussey?

  Because we're so close to something, we get, we're not sober. And now we don't have logical answers to questions because someone's, we get to the point where arguing about something, I don't even know if I'm right. I don't know if the thing I'm saying is, is if I'm being the insecure one or if I'm being the reasonable one. And sometimes we leave a situation, we go, God, I was insecure. And sometimes we leave and we go, I can't believe I let someone convince me I was crazy.

• 23:05Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 23:06Matthew Hussey?

  They like, they were the one that was doing the wrong thing and they convinced me that I was nuts.

• 23:11Lewis Howes?

  So how do we step out of that emotional feeling where we're feeling overwhelmed, they're disrespected or hurt or sad? Or like their relationship didn't meet an expectation or communication was off. And we're in it and we're communicating and we're both frustrated. How do you step out and look at it from a different point of view? So that you just don't keep repeating that conversation over and over.

• 23:32Matthew Hussey?

  I mean.

• 23:33Lewis Howes?

  And don't hurt it further.

• 23:34Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, I, I think there's a, we have to have a really healthy combination of always questioning ourselves. And, and saying, where is this coming from for me? And would it really hurt me to compromise on this standard?

• 23:49Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 23:50Matthew Hussey?

  Is, is, would it be the more loving thing to do to understand this about my partner? But in order to, that, that needs to be combined with a simultaneous respect for ourselves and what we need. And to, I think, go to a situation and say, okay. I want to be the most understanding, compassionate, loving partner I can be, who doesn't inhibit or limit my partner, who supports them, wants them to do great. But I also need to recognize that.

• 24:23Matthew Hussey?

  I need to be the person that is understanding of the needs of my partner and what they want. But at the same time, I need to be understanding of my partner's needs. But the context of me being super compassionate and understanding needs to be that I am, that this is happening in a loving environment where my partner wants to be my teammate.

• 24:46Matthew Hussey?

  If we're in a situation where our partner isn't showing empathy for us and isn't like, if you feel they're not trying to, that we're always coming to that side, that's a problem.

• 24:56Lewis Howes?

  That's tough.

• 24:57Matthew Hussey?

  That's a problem.

• 24:58Lewis Howes?

  There should be seeing, I see where you're coming from as well, type of energy and communication.

• 25:02Matthew Hussey?

  Exactly.

• 25:02Lewis Howes?

  Not just, I'm not getting what I want, you did this wrong.

• 25:05Matthew Hussey?

  You need to feel you have a teammate.

• 25:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 25:08Matthew Hussey?

  And a lot of people feel like they're constantly being understanding, but they don't have a teammate on the other side. I'm constantly trying to grow and understand your position, but I don't feel the same from your side. That then becomes a problem.

• 25:24Lewis Howes?

  How do you have the conversation so that it switches or it becomes more of a equal partnership and teammate? If you feel like you're the only one being on the team, how do you get the other person?

• 25:36Matthew Hussey?

  I think we need to communicate a lot about what, about the spirit of the relationship. You know what I mean? Like.

• 25:44Lewis Howes?

  Not keeping score.

• 25:46Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, like pride is a very hard thing to give up in a relationship. Because we become competitive often, very quickly when we feel threatened, when we feel vulnerable, when we feel our partner's done something to hurt us. Now I'm, now how do I score a point? Or how do I?

• 26:03Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 26:04Matthew Hussey?

  And that's, that's a, just, once you get into that cycle, it's like you're just, it spirals.

• 26:13Matthew Hussey?

  It has to, one person has to be prepared to break that cycle. I'm not gonna do that game. And I do believe that we have to love the way we wanna be loved. And we have to constantly educate.

• 26:28Matthew Hussey?

  Our partner on what it is to love. Not from an arrogant place, but we're all, in a sense, both partners are always educating each other. By you do something I don't like, and if I have a loving compassionate response to that, I'm also showing you what I want this to be in reverse. When I do something you don't like.

• 26:51Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 26:51Matthew Hussey?

  Here's the response I want.

• 26:52Lewis Howes?

  I'm not attacking you.

• 26:53Matthew Hussey?

  Not a game playing response, not a, you know? Like, if you see a partner, you're in the early stages of relationship and you feel your partner was really flirting with someone over there. Having a conversation about something that made you feel uncomfortable, but from a loving place and from a kind place and from a place of that made me feel, it hurt me to see that and not, I'm gonna blame you and I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna get angry, but that, you know, that made me feel uncomfortable. Bringing an energy like that, most people aren't used to that. In a relationship, we're not used to that standard of communication. We're used to doing something and then someone attacks us.

• 27:31Lewis Howes?

  Reacting.

• 27:31Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, exactly. So I think it's educate, we're constantly educating.

• 27:35Lewis Howes?

  What's it gonna take for us to not react to a situation where we feel hurt or like we, our expectation wasn't met from our partner and come from that place?

• 27:44Matthew Hussey?

  God, it's so difficult.

• 27:46Lewis Howes?

  Because why, why do we react so much?

• 27:49Matthew Hussey?

  Sometimes it's just space, like how I need to take a moment to

• 27:55Matthew Hussey?

  to process something so that I can say, I can have a more evolved response.

• 28:00Lewis Howes?

  And not react. It's funny, I've been, you know, the relationship I've been in, which is newer in the last five months. I wanna talk about something right away and address it, she doesn't wanna talk. She wants to have space so she doesn't react.

• 28:14Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 28:15Lewis Howes?

  So she's, and she'll say like, I don't wanna get angry at you, I don't wanna yell at you, that's not the type of person I wanna be. So I'd rather just not talk. And then I'm in limbo and I'm like, I just wanna, I just wanna like get to resolve this thing. Let's at least communicate and then we can move on as opposed to holding on to something.

• 28:31Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 28:31Lewis Howes?

  For a half a day or a few hours.

• 28:33Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah. Here's the thing, space is easy when you get a text you don't like. Or when you see something you don't like from afar and, and you're not gonna see that person for a few hours or till tomorrow. Now you have space to go through.

• 28:50Matthew Hussey?

  You know, I'm angry, you know, I'm really, really angry. I'm upset, I'm sad, I'm hurt, I feel rejected, I don't feel enough. I, you know, you can kind of cycle through those and then have a couple of sensible conversations with people whose opinions you respect. You and I have done this.

• 29:09Lewis Howes?

  And be like, it's not that big a deal, take a break.

• 29:12Matthew Hussey?

  You sit down and you go, okay. This thing, I'm feeling this and I'm hurt and I'm this and I'm that and I'm that. You have a couple of smart voices either that come from in here.

• 29:21Lewis Howes?

  Which is hard to do.

• 29:22Matthew Hussey?

  Which is very hard to get that objectivity. And or that come, you know, from just one or two people whose opinions you really respect, who aren't going to tell you what you want to hear.

• 29:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 29:34Matthew Hussey?

  Who aren't going to tell you, you're so right to be, to feel that way.

• 29:37Lewis Howes?

  Get angry, yeah.

• 29:38Matthew Hussey?

  Someone who is brave enough and close enough to you and smart enough sometimes to recognize, I'm concerned that you're overreacting to this. And that this, this reaction is not going to serve you.

• 29:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 29:52Matthew Hussey?

  And that I think you need to bring this energy to the conversation. That is extremely valuable. What's hard is when you get information in real time and you're with the person and you're in the same room and now you're dealing with trying to process and create that, you know, okay, I need to, I'm trying to get to a more positive place here.

• 30:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 30:15Matthew Hussey?

  While being asked to communicate in real time. Well, real time elicits reflex responses and reflex responses are often very harmful to a relationship. It's the, um, reflex responses are often based on instinct. And instinct is very, very dangerous.

• 30:32Lewis Howes?

  False instinct, yeah.

• 30:34Matthew Hussey?

  We're so often told, you know, trust your instincts. And that's just not often great advice.

• 30:41Lewis Howes?

  If you're not emotionally intelligent and you haven't, if you're jealous all the time, then having a jealous instinct isn't necessarily the best thing.

• 30:48Matthew Hussey?

  But some of these instincts are kind of hardwired, right? What we're doing with a lot of our better nature is overcoming certain programming that we have. In a riptide, you get pulled out to sea.

• 31:05Matthew Hussey?

  Your instinct tells you in that moment to swim back to shore against the current. Ignore the riptide, I just need to get back to shore. Which is stronger, you or the current? The current. And it will drown you. You will exhaust and drown before you get back. True. So. Until it washes you to shore and just like. Right, so in that moment, fighting harder won't save you. Thinking clearer will. And thinking more clearly means I need to swim sideways. I need to swim parallel. Let it take me out, swim further. It's gonna be uncomfortable. Swim parallel because I'm actually, I'm giving myself a further, a longer journey. But then when I'm out of the current, then I can swim back to shore.

• 31:51Matthew Hussey?

  Now that's not, instinct won't get you to do that. Cause that requires thinking clearly. Instinct will drown you in that moment. And in a relationship, in dating, your instincts will get you killed. That's true. You know, your instinct says, a woman goes on a date with a guy and has a great time. And says, your instinct says, clear the calendar for the next three months. We found him. Right. We did it, guys. We had an amazing night. Clear the schedule. We were connected on every level. He's awesome. We have a great connection. Clear the calendar. This is what we're doing now. Wow. Even if, I'm not even saying someone who hates the rest of their life. You can like your job and still be so caught up in the chemical rush of,

• 32:37Matthew Hussey?

  this was amazing, that this is all you wanna do now. Right?

• 32:44Matthew Hussey?

  Well, this isn't good for what you want to happen here. What do you want to happen? Well, you wanna get to know this person better, spend more time with them. Invest at an organic pace, based on the level of investment that's going on, right? Thing I've said for years, don't invest in someone based on how much you like them. Invest on, based on how much they invest in you. People don't do that. People invest on instinct. I really like them and my investment is proportionate to how much I like them. Not how much I'm seeing there's a mutual investment.

• 33:20Matthew Hussey?

  Did I tell you about the castle? What castle? All right, this is, you're gonna like this. So I was thinking about this whole idea of investment. Like buying a castle? Well, that's the thing. You can't buy a castle for a relationship. I, see, to me, the relationship is the castle. When you meet someone and you have a connection, because I'm always, you know me, I do seminars all over the world. We have thousands of women come and join us. And the thing that, there's always someone who puts their hand up and says, it starts the story with, Matt, I have this incredible connection with this guy.

• 33:53Matthew Hussey?

  So they're already in a relationship? No. They're just dating? Often not. Yeah. Now I, now I know we have a problem. When someone's justifying whatever they're about to say next, with what an incredible connection they have with someone. An incredible connection is like, you meet someone,

• 34:12Matthew Hussey?

  you connect and you have a great plot of land. This plot of land could be great because it's in the middle of a forest, could be great because it's on the cliffs overlooking the ocean.

• 34:24Matthew Hussey?

  It's a beautiful place to build.

• 34:28Matthew Hussey?

  That's the connection? That's the connection, but it's still just a plot of land. All right, let's see it for what it is. It's potential. Still just a plot of land.

• 34:39Matthew Hussey?

  Now what you need is two builders. Two people who are gonna build something here. And that requires two people who show up each day and lay brick after brick after brick after brick. And slowly but surely, create a castle.

• 35:00Matthew Hussey?

  Most people have the experience of someone who joins them on that plot of land and they both look at it and they're like, isn't this great? Look at the ocean. This is great. Look at the view we have here. Look at the trees. Look at that. This is amazing. And they get real excited. Now, one of them might be willing to build. One of them might be a builder. The other one might just really like the potential of this plot of land.

• 35:26Matthew Hussey?

  And then you have someone who's there building every day. They're doing the investment. I have the woman come to me who's building. And a guy who's left the construction site. I don't know where he is. He's at home, he's binge watching his favorite show, he's out on another, he's looking at another plot of land. You know, and then three weeks later, he calls in. And says, you know, he sends a text to her after three weeks of ghosting her or just disappearing or just patchy communication. And says, thinking of you. That's a builder. Who started building, then left the building site for three weeks. And called in from home and went, how's the castle going?

• 36:04Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 36:04Matthew Hussey?

  Meanwhile, she's over there. Building the castle on her own. You can't build on your own. And the problem we have right now is there are too many people who value the connection instead of the castle. Castle is where it's at. And if you don't have a true builder. Who over time is gonna build, that's, that's what a relationship is a castle. This is why love at first sight is bullshit to me.

• 36:28Lewis Howes?

  Doesn't work.

• 36:29Matthew Hussey?

  It's just whatever.

• 36:30Lewis Howes?

  It takes time.

• 36:31Matthew Hussey?

  It's infatuation, it's, you, she's hot, he's hot. You know, there's some connection there that's based on the fact you like this and I like this. Oh my God, we're supposed to be together. This is only part of the equation. You've, a castle becomes a castle because two people work on it and it becomes. Unique and ornate and there are secret passages where it's only the two of you know about and there's an argument that. Knocks down a wall and then you build it up and fortify that wall. And it makes it even stronger and the weather over time. Weathers the stone on the castle in a unique way. That makes it your castle. There's other castles in the world, but this one is uniquely yours. It's been built by the two of you. It's been hard won. That's a relationship.

• 37:15Matthew Hussey?

  It's why, you know, a twenty year relationship or marriage or thirty year relationship or marriages. Is special is because two people have had to go through shit together.

• 37:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 37:27Matthew Hussey?

  They've done things together. They, this isn't fantasy. This isn't building a castle in the sky.

• 37:33Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 37:34Matthew Hussey?

  The idea of love. The idea of what we could be. The one day wager, I call it the one day wager. The one day, I'm making a wager that one day you'll be what I want you to be.

• 37:48Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 37:48Matthew Hussey?

  One day you'll you'll invest in me the way I want you to. One day you'll change. The one day wager is the most dangerous wager you can possibly make in your love life. The real shit is what's going on now. Is someone trying? Do they wanna be here? Are they focused on the little shit, not just the big shit? Cause anyone can go and have a like, people say, but when we're, when it's great is.

• 38:13Lewis Howes?

  Amazing, yeah.

• 38:14Matthew Hussey?

  When we go like, we go, we've been on some amazing dates or we did that vacation. We had the best time, it was amazing. Of course you were on fucking vacation. Anyone can go to Disney World and have a great time. It's Disney World, right? That's the, that's the job of the place is to make sure you have a great time, no matter who you're with.

• 38:36Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 38:37Matthew Hussey?

  Right, but.

• 38:41Matthew Hussey?

  You know what? When I was thirteen, I had a like, when I was thinking I was twelve or thirteen, my parents took me to America for the first time.

• 38:49Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 38:50Matthew Hussey?

  And we came to Florida and where do you think we went? We went to Disney.

• 38:56Matthew Hussey?

  And I was massively excited. I was, I was so excited. It was exciting to be in America. I was excited to see the things I'd seen on TV.

• 39:05Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 39:06Matthew Hussey?

  Excited to see the references to movies I'd seen, excited for the rides.

• 39:12Matthew Hussey?

  We go into Disney World and I learned something very interesting about myself there. This is gonna sound profound for a trip to Disney World, but.

• 39:22Lewis Howes?

  Thirteen, yeah.

• 39:23Matthew Hussey?

  I, but I realized something about myself. Cause of course I go in there, it's magical, it's, oh my God, this is crazy, it's huge.

• 39:30Lewis Howes?

  Taking a photo with Mickey.

• 39:31Matthew Hussey?

  Long Space Mountain, yeah, there's Mickey there, there's all these dazzling attractions. But it was something that stood out to me even more than Space Mountain, even more than the big ride.

• 39:49Matthew Hussey?

  And it was the trash cans.

• 39:51Lewis Howes?

  Oh, yeah.

• 39:54Matthew Hussey?

  On some level, that maybe I couldn't fully articulate at that age.

• 40:01Matthew Hussey?

  I saw the trashcans and I was moved by it. I said, someone cared enough about this place to theme the trashcans. The trashcan in Tomorrowland is a futuristic trashcan. The trashcan in, you know, Indiana Jonesland or whatever it's called is a tiki bamboo trashcan. The trashcans were different depending on where you were. It's amazing. Someone cared so much about the detail of that world that they styled and themed the trashcans. It moved me. Yeah. I've never forgotten that. Wow. The trashcans in life.

• 40:44Matthew Hussey?

  And I've thought about that endlessly in my business. Hmm. When I do retreat, I just got back from my retreat and someone came, I told this story on the retreat, someone came to me at the end of the retreat because of all the little details we put on the retreat, you know, the law. It's not just a, it's not just a seminar or an event. It's we hold parties and inside those. Experience. And it's an immersive world. It's like it's, it's, it's, we like to think we've created the immersive theatre of the self-development world.

• 41:15Matthew Hussey?

  And someone came up to me at the end of this retreat and said, you achieved trashcan status. Hmm. And it. That's big. The thirteen year old in me wanted to cry. Wow, that's amazing. Right? And it, it moved me again and I, and I thought, that's what I want. And

• 41:33Matthew Hussey?

  I'm, I thought about this even today as I was coming here and I was like, you know what? This absolutely applies to relationships too.

• 41:44Matthew Hussey?

  Often in a, in a breakup, often when people are going through difficult times with their partner or whatever, the thing they go back to is, we had that amazing trip. But we had those amazing times. They, they go to these highlights. They go to the space mountain of their relationship. They go, remember when we met Mickey? It's that, right? The, the meeting Mickey moment of their relationship. But relationships are about the trashcans, man.

• 42:14Matthew Hussey?

  It's the trash cans. Yeah. Because guess what? In a day at Disney, you ride Space Mountain once, maybe twice. How many times do you use the trash cans? Every day, all the time. Every twenty minutes, every thirty minutes.

• 42:28Matthew Hussey?

  It's the trash cans. And what will define your relationship is the trash cans, not Space Mountain. Hmm, the lower moments, the messy moments. That are barely noticeable. The moments, the, the micro attractions. Hmm. The moment where we do something sweet, where we

• 42:55Matthew Hussey?

  think of our partner when we didn't need to, and we worry about the, the day they had, or support them, or even just support them silently or in private, you know, or support them by what we don't bring to them. Or it's that, it's the detail, it's the detail. And that's what's going to determine how great your life is. And my concern is, and we've all been there. My concern is the number of people out there who are staying in the wrong thing because of the Space Mountain of the relationship. A few moments that were magical. Or they're spending too much time grieving the loss of the wrong thing because all they remember is Space Mountain. Interesting.

• 43:38Matthew Hussey?

  They don't, they don't think of how shitty the trash cans were. And the trash cans, that's the stuff, that's the day to day. Yeah. How good was it day to day? This is the difference between being in love and being happy. Hmm, what is the difference between love and happiness? You can be in love and be really unhappy.

• 43:58Matthew Hussey?

  Be suffering inside and be in love. You can have constant, be in love and be, having a relationship that's causing you constant anxiety, constant heartache, constant pain, feeling overlooked, not feeling important. You can be in love and all of those things still be true. How crazy is that? We think that love is this thing where it's like, it's rational, like I'm gonna love, I'm gonna be in love with this person who brings me joy. Not true. And we need to start worrying more about happiness.

• 44:31Matthew Hussey?

  Because if someone isn't building with you. If someone isn't committing to actually building the castle with you.

• 44:36Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 44:37Matthew Hussey?

  That's the quality of your life.

• 44:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 44:39Matthew Hussey?

  Not how in love you are.

• 44:43Lewis Howes?

  You might love certain things about them. You might have loved the date you went on. You might have loved the the Space Mountain or the

• 44:48Matthew Hussey?

  Certain characteristics they had.

• 44:49Lewis Howes?

  The sex was incredible.

• 44:50Matthew Hussey?

  How charming they were, how charismatic, how whatever.

• 44:55Matthew Hussey?

  It didn't, but maybe it doesn't mean that you're happy day to day. It's a big difference, right?

• 45:03Lewis Howes?

  When do you know, I love this analogy. And it made me want to ask you about, when do you know you're ready for a committed intimate relationship? When do you know you're ready for it? As opposed to you just feel alone and you want to have someone in your life?

• 45:21Matthew Hussey?

  I guess when you're, when you're ready to build.

• 45:25Matthew Hussey?

  When you're ready to build, when it's not, you're going there because the fantasy of it all is exciting to you. But when you're actually ready to build. And, and that doesn't mean that you're not looking, see, the castle analogy is, is cool because when we were talking earlier about this idea of giving without expectation. Well, you, you do expect something in a relationship, right? It's overly simplistic. We do expect things. We expect respect. As loyalty defined on whatever terms loyalty means to us. Love, appreciation, all of that, to be seen. We have a lot of expectations in a relationship. So it's not a relationship where we just, we give without expectation. But

• 46:10Matthew Hussey?

  that to me is where the building thing is really interesting to me. Cause you want to work damn hard as a builder in your relationship. But you want someone else who's building too. Right, that's where the expectation comes in. I'm gonna, I'm gonna work hard to build this thing. And I'm gonna build it at a really high standard.

• 46:28Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 46:29Matthew Hussey?

  I'm not gonna look at your work and go, well, if you missed out some of the grouting there, then I'm gonna, you know, like skip it on my end. No. This is my standard.

• 46:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 46:37Matthew Hussey?

  I'm gonna build to a really high standard.

• 46:39Lewis Howes?

  What if the person you've been with for a year isn't building to your standard?

• 46:43Matthew Hussey?

  That's, that's a conversation. That's a real conversation. Like, here's what I need. Here's the kind of relationship I wanna have.

• 46:50Lewis Howes?

  When do you start to just say, well, it's okay if they do half the job that I do?

• 46:56Matthew Hussey?

  Is the job, is the job they're doing half-assed one you really need them to do well? Or is it one that can be done half-assed? Sometimes I think that there are certain things we let go in a relationship. That's where the compromise comes in, that's where the sacrifice comes in. There are certain things I'm okay with you not doing as well as I once thought I needed someone to do them. Man, I thought this thing was really important.

• 47:17Lewis Howes?

  It's not.

• 47:18Matthew Hussey?

  It's not that important.

• 47:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 47:20Matthew Hussey?

  I love you.

• 47:22Matthew Hussey?

  So what are we doing? I'm not worried, it's not that big of a deal.

• 47:26Matthew Hussey?

  And we've all done that. We've all seen those things that once were important to us and we let them, we say, you know what, this... I was at an age where I thought that was really important. And it's no longer as important or significant as I made it. And then there are things that never stop being important. Or they become more important. The ability to communicate well. I think as you get older, those things become more important. The ability for someone to have genuine empathy. To... The, the ability for someone in, let's say, an argument to... To not jump to saying a spiteful thing.

• 47:59Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 48:00Matthew Hussey?

  That's hard to then forget. Someone who doesn't try and do damage in an argument, but tries to build. Tries to figure out, let's figure this out together. We may both be hurt, but let's come to this in a loving way. When you're younger, you say shit that's just mean.

• 48:15Lewis Howes?

  Hurtful.

• 48:16Matthew Hussey?

  Cause you're hurt.

• 48:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 48:17Matthew Hussey?

  Right? And then you realize, oh god, three months later, they still remember that comment, even though they said they forgot it.

• 48:23Lewis Howes?

  And they hold on to it.

• 48:24Matthew Hussey?

  They still, they, they still have that in their head. I'm not doing that again. There are certain things, I think, as you get older, hopefully if we mature, we start to see these are the, this is the important stuff.

• 48:36Lewis Howes?

  What do you think are the, I didn't prep you on this before, but what do you think are the three or five components to a foundation of a relationship that has the potential to really thrive long term, committed for decades? What are like, it needs to have these three or these five things. Otherwise, it's going to be really challenging to be, to sustain this type of love and joy and happiness.

• 49:02Matthew Hussey?

  I mean, a couple of simple ones, I guess, are, I need to show up for my partner in ways that they need me to, not just ways that are comfortable to me. We, in other words, pay attention to what your partner actually needs. Because it's really easy to say, I'm gonna bring them lunch every day. That's, that's like, I, I'm a really good cook and I'm really, you know, I wanna slave away every morning to bring them lunch every day, cuz, you know, that's me giving. Maybe they don't.

• 49:35Lewis Howes?

  They don't care.

• 49:35Matthew Hussey?

  Bring lunch every day. Like, maybe they don't care. Maybe what would mean the most to them is you, them getting home and you really being interested in their day.

• 49:45Lewis Howes?

  Do you think love languages is an important part of this? Where it's like, understanding someone's love language and giving them their top priorities?

• 49:53Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, I think, I think it's, I think that it's an interesting framework. And it's been, for a lot of people, a very successful framework. Um, I think any framework that just allows you to kind of, you know, create a little, a structure for things that gives you some simplicity around it is, can be valuable.

• 50:07Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 50:08Matthew Hussey?

  You know, and it doesn't mean it's the only framework you can apply, but it's a valuable model to work from.

• 50:13Lewis Howes?

  So showing up in ways that they need.

• 50:15Matthew Hussey?

  Showing up in ways, yeah, not what do I wanna give, but what do they actually need?

• 50:19Lewis Howes?

  I think that's a lot of, that's a lot of conflict in relationships because, and I think you need to understand, do I wanna do something that's uncomfortable every day? That's not foreign to me, or that's foreign to me? Or do I wanna find a partner that enjoys the things that I like to give?

• 50:35Matthew Hussey?

  Well, that's, that's, that's an interesting question. I, you know.

• 50:39Lewis Howes?

  I might be attracted to this.

• 50:40Matthew Hussey?

  Any relationship is gonna be a bit of both, but sometimes it works even without, like, that's a kind of compatibility issue. But I think it even works outside of that in day to day stuff. Because you might say, the thing I wanna give to my partner is an awesome night together. But maybe what they need is an awesome night with their friends.

• 50:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 50:58Matthew Hussey?

  And the maybe the most loving thing you can do is say, hey, I know you haven't seen this person in a while. You should go and see them. I know that relationship is important to you.

• 51:08Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 51:09Matthew Hussey?

  You should go and hang out with your mom tonight or recognizing not what's easy for me to give, but what might be less comfortable for me to give, but is actually what would mean the world to them.

• 51:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 51:20Matthew Hussey?

  And and I think if you really want to make yourself irreplaceable to someone, it's recognizing that.

• 51:26Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 51:27Matthew Hussey?

  Because no one else is going to do that for them. I mean, you know what I mean? Like it's they.

• 51:30Lewis Howes?

  At that level, yeah.

• 51:31Matthew Hussey?

  It's really rare to find someone who who is willing to do that for you.

• 51:36Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm. Okay, so that's number one.

• 51:37Matthew Hussey?

  The second thing is to work on yourself.

• 51:39Lewis Howes?

  Yep.

• 51:40Matthew Hussey?

  And to say, I'm responsible for me. My partner isn't responsible for me. I need to do the work to be the most loving, confident person I can be in this world.

• 51:54Lewis Howes?

  What what is.

• 51:54Matthew Hussey?

  Who's fulfilled.

• 51:55Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 51:56Matthew Hussey?

  Has their own purpose, has things that drive them.

• 51:58Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 51:59Matthew Hussey?

  That to me is very, very important.

• 52:02Lewis Howes?

  What's the first thing people should do to do work on themselves? Because you you threw a few things out there, but what's like?

• 52:08Matthew Hussey?

  I mean, firstly, do you have maybe here's an interesting question you can ask yourself. If I had 10 hours free right now, what would I do with them?

• 52:17Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 52:18Matthew Hussey?

  If you can't give a good answer to that question, you might already be describing one of the weaknesses of your relationship.

• 52:25Lewis Howes?

  And binge binge watching a series is not the best use of your time.

• 52:28Matthew Hussey?

  It's, you know, if the answer is, oh, my God, will I have my purpose, the thing I love getting stuck into or it doesn't even have to be some grand purpose. Not everyone has found like their life's calling, but it could be, I really want to learn this language, or I really want to see this friend, or I really want to go and, you know, whatever it is, read this book or learn this thing.

• 52:48Lewis Howes?

  Take care of my health.

• 52:49Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, I want to, I can't wait to get to the gym. If you should be able to answer the question of my partner canceled on me today.

• 52:56Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 52:57Matthew Hussey?

  What would I do with that day now? And if you can't, that then you you begin to describe the person who's sitting there waiting for their partner to text them, waiting for their partner to make them feel good enough.

• 53:09Lewis Howes?

  And that's not attractive.

• 53:10Matthew Hussey?

  It's not, and it's not fair to our partners.

• 53:12Lewis Howes?

  It's a lot of pressure.

• 53:14Matthew Hussey?

  It's a lot of pressure. And and by the way, people put a lot of pressure on their partners by expecting their partner to put a Band-Aid on all sorts of things for them. You know, if they're feeling like we there's a lot of rhetoric about vulnerability right now. Now, I think vulnerability is huge. I think the work that people like Brene Brown are doing and so on is huge.

• 53:33Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 53:33Matthew Hussey?

  It's massively important. Vulnerability is absolutely an act of courage, and we should encourage it more, both sexes, all the time. But here's vulnerability is something's making me insecure, and I'm I'm going to share it with you because you're my partner and I love you and I tell you things, right?

• 53:56Lewis Howes?

  But you don't want to do that every day, right?

• 53:57Matthew Hussey?

  Beyond vulnerability, if an hour from now, I tell you, oh, God, I'm feeling insecure again. And then an hour from now, you go, that thing's affecting me again. And this one tonight, because now, in a way, what we're doing is instead of sharing, we're dumping.

• 54:14Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 54:15Matthew Hussey?

  I'm asking you now to fix it for me, to put a Band-Aid on it for me.

• 54:19Lewis Howes?

  Make me feel better, yeah.

• 54:20Matthew Hussey?

  Of course, it's part of our part. A loving partner will support you and will do everything in their power to make you feel loved and to make you feel safe and to make you feel secure. And it's absolutely true that sometimes what we're feeling as insecurity is because our partner isn't doing their job in those things.

• 54:40Lewis Howes?

  That's true. They're not building.

• 54:41Matthew Hussey?

  They're not building. They're they're doing things that are proactively making us feel insecure. There's minor betrayals, minor neglects, all of that. But sometimes we have to say, OK, what part of my what part of this am I responsible for? And it's my, it's my partner's responsibility, it's our responsibility in life together to share. To share the load, to work towards things together, but it's not your job to carry the load for me. To carry my problems, to put the Band-Aid on every day. I need to. Maybe once in a blue moon, yeah. Of course, of course, and we, and we're all gonna do that. We're all gonna have like, we're, we're gonna have days, weeks, times where we're going through something really serious and our partner's job is to show up.

• 55:26Matthew Hussey?

  You know, but a friend of mine who's kind of blunt said to me, some days or weeks, you get to be needy and difficult and high maintenance and boring and, you know, insecure and then you don't. And I thought, yeah. Like, we get to be those things for a time. Until we don't, until it gets too much for somebody else because we need to be, at the, at the very least, we need to show our partner we're committed to our own growth. So the, you know, the first one, what did we have? Show up in ways they need, not just ways you wanna show up. The second one's, uh, work on yourself.

• 56:09Matthew Hussey?

  I guess the third one, to me teamwork is everything, like being a genuine team is huge. Really looking at each other as teammates as opposed to you're there to meet my needs or I'm competing with you in some way. Man, I've done that before. Like, we're an actual team. I, I saw, you know, one of the things I loved most about Chris Rock's recent stand-up, Tambourine. I haven't seen it yet. Such a genius name. The whole concept is about the idea that he couldn't in his last marriage play the tambourine. He couldn't play the backup instrument, right? And I thought it was such a great, great metaphor.

• 56:50Matthew Hussey?

  Because in a good relationship, in a, in a really genuinely mutually supportive relationship, some days you play tambourine. Some days you're their teammate. You can't, you know, the way he says it, her success is your success and vice versa. You're in this together and and some days that person's the the the lead. And you're you're on tambourine and a lot of people have never learned how to play tambourine. There's the other thing, I don't know, I remember where it comes from, but every relationship has a flower and a gardener. Right? Most people don't want to be in a relationship where they're always the gardener.

• 57:31Lewis Howes?

  And they want to be the flower, blooming all the time.

• 57:34Matthew Hussey?

  Yes, and sometimes you have to be the gardener, no matter how long you've played the flower.

• 57:40Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 57:41Matthew Hussey?

  You and I have played flowers a lot in our lives, right? We've been used to being a certain, having a leader role and having these kind of big lives and big worlds and whatever. And then you go to a relationship and the relationship doesn't give a

• 57:56Matthew Hussey?

  You know what I mean?

• 57:57Lewis Howes?

  About you.

• 57:57Matthew Hussey?

  No.

• 57:58Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 57:59Matthew Hussey?

  I don't care.

• 57:59Lewis Howes?

  You wanted to be a flower.

• 58:00Matthew Hussey?

  You know, that you're the flower out there in the world. Sometimes in our relationship, you have to be the gardener. Sometimes you've got to play tambourine, even if to everyone else you are the constant flower. All right, movie reference, constant gardener. You can't, you can't be the constant flower. You can't, you might be in your business in some way, but

• 58:22Lewis Howes?

  In a relationship is different.

• 58:23Matthew Hussey?

  You can't, now you're coming as two equals. And so it's so much of it's checking your own damn ego. And being like, I'm in this to to be with you as a teammate. Not this or this, this.

• 58:41Lewis Howes?

  When do you know you've found your match for life or your potential match for life? You think this could be the match?

• 58:47Matthew Hussey?

  By the way, these are much harder questions than the first interview.

• 58:50Lewis Howes?

  I know. Is it when you see these three things after a period of time and you feel convinced that the the the bricks are being laid equally in a certain way?

• 59:00Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 59:01Lewis Howes?

  Like, when do you say, I'm ready to be committed all in?

• 59:05Matthew Hussey?

  I I think there are four four stages to a relationship.

• 59:09Lewis Howes?

  Stage one.

• 59:10Matthew Hussey?

  Stage one is admiration. That's when you don't have a relationship with this person. You admire, like. I look at you and I'm like, this person's hot. They have something about them. I like their qualities. I like their energy. They have a good potential. Yeah. Okay. And by the way, that doesn't even mean they have good potential for you right now. It just means this is a person of high potential in some way. You admire them, yeah. The second stage is connection. And you could, I think, in that, in a sense, connection and chemistry are both relevant to this stage. Cause you have this person where there's a mutual like. I like things about you, you like things about me. I think you're attractive, you think I'm attractive.

• 59:54Matthew Hussey?

  We share some common ideas, common grounds in life, our outlook, whatever. Beliefs, yeah. Yeah. That could be found on a great date. Doesn't really mean much still. This is the plot of land. Yeah, you can have great sex, there'll be chemistry, you can make out all night. None of this means you're gonna have a great relationship. Okay. The third stage is commitment. That says, I want to do this with you. I am committed to building with you. And you are committed to building with me. Hmm. Right?

• 1:00:33Matthew Hussey?

  That's a really great stage to be at. It's very important, right? It's, you can't have a relationship without that. Any relationship without that, or where that's one-sided, is unrequited love by definition. Hmm. And there are a ton of people out there right now who say, I'm just, you know, I created a program recently called Attraction to Commitment, which literally dealt with why people keep getting stuck in limbo. Yeah. Why they keep getting stuck in the casual phases and it never gets to a relationship. One of the things that fascinates me is how long we stay with something that's just casual, that isn't a real relationship, on the hope that it will change. Hmm.

• 1:01:13Matthew Hussey?

  Unrequited love, you know? Certainly unrequited commitment. Yeah, it's a nice time when you're like 23, right? Right. That's stage three. Stage four is compatibility. Hmm, man.

• 1:01:28Matthew Hussey?

  And the hard thing, I think, for a lot of people is I used to question this one myself. Like, if, you know, the idea love conquers all, right?

• 1:01:39Lewis Howes?

  It doesn't. It does not.

• 1:01:41Matthew Hussey?

  I wish. I like it. I like that phrase.

• 1:01:43Lewis Howes?

  It's amazing.

• 1:01:44Matthew Hussey?

  I love the phrase. I love the sentiment of it.

• 1:01:46Lewis Howes?

  Amazing bumper sticker, you know?

• 1:01:47Matthew Hussey?

  And there's nothing, you know, what is more powerful in the world than than love?

• 1:01:51Lewis Howes?

  And all you need is love?

• 1:01:53Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, apparently, apparently not.

• 1:01:56Lewis Howes?

  It's not true.

• 1:01:56Matthew Hussey?

  We need a little more. You can have love without commitment, right? And you can have you can have commitment without compatibility.

• 1:02:08Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 1:02:09Matthew Hussey?

  And this is where things get. I I used to think, well, maybe commitment is enough. And maybe issues with compatibility can be overcome as long as two people are truly committed to each other.

• 1:02:17Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 1:02:19Matthew Hussey?

  I don't I don't believe that anymore. I I think that it goes beyond commitment. To truly last, you have to have two people who are really compatible. Like, okay, let's say we got commitment. Two people want to be together.

• 1:02:33Lewis Howes?

  They admire each other. They have chemistry.

• 1:02:35Matthew Hussey?

  Right.

• 1:02:36Lewis Howes?

  They're they say, I'm committed to you.

• 1:02:37Matthew Hussey?

  But one person's sex drive is here and the other one's is here.

• 1:02:42Lewis Howes?

  Not compatible.

• 1:02:43Matthew Hussey?

  This is going to be difficult, right?

• 1:02:44Lewis Howes?

  One person likes to spend a lot of money. Another person wants to save all the money.

• 1:02:48Matthew Hussey?

  Right.

• 1:02:48Lewis Howes?

  One person believes in a certain religion and another person doesn't believe in that.

• 1:02:52Matthew Hussey?

  One person, you know, wants to spend five days a week together. The other person is happy with one night a week together.

• 1:02:59Lewis Howes?

  One person wants their family to move in. The other person wants their space.

• 1:03:02Matthew Hussey?

  Right. These are serious, serious issues that often end relationships. And so to me, you want to say what? How do you know when you found your match?

• 1:03:15Lewis Howes?

  All four.

• 1:03:15Matthew Hussey?

  Four stages.

• 1:03:16Lewis Howes?

  All four.

• 1:03:17Matthew Hussey?

  I admire this person. We have connection and chemistry. We have genuine mutual commitment and we're compatible.

• 1:03:26Lewis Howes?

  How do you know if you're fully compatible or somewhat compatible? And is there a spectrum of what's possible?

• 1:03:35Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, that, I mean, I wrestled with that for for years myself is.

• 1:03:40Lewis Howes?

  We're compatible here, but not here.

• 1:03:43Matthew Hussey?

  And can we overcome this incompatibility here? Is it, it goes back to, is it one of my deal breakers? Is it really important to me? Or can I let up here? And does the other person understand the sacrifice I'm making in letting up there? And do they show?

• 1:04:03Lewis Howes?

  And appreciation for that.

• 1:04:04Matthew Hussey?

  Appreciation for it, and do they, you know, do they see me for that compromise that I'm making?

• 1:04:11Lewis Howes?

  Or that they just expect you should do it easily?

• 1:04:13Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, you just, well, you should have. That's the way I am, so that's the way you should be.

• 1:04:18Lewis Howes?

  I'm right.

• 1:04:19Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, and to me, again, part of growing up is realizing I wasn't always right. I was, you know, there were things that I used to, you know, I've looked at ways that I've been in relationships in my past where I did something and I just so thought I was in the right and so took for granted what someone else was doing for me, the way that they were being forgiving, understanding.

• 1:04:44Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:04:45Matthew Hussey?

  And just completely took that for granted, you know? And I think,

• 1:04:52Matthew Hussey?

  man, I mean, you know, you talk about, we were, four years ago, we were together on this.

• 1:04:55Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:04:56Matthew Hussey?

  What's the biggest difference in my life? Being fucking humbled.

• 1:05:02Lewis Howes?

  How so?

• 1:05:04Matthew Hussey?

  God, in so many ways. In so many ways.

• 1:05:07Lewis Howes?

  Thinking you had it figured out in one way, but realizing that there was a lot of growth still.

• 1:05:11Matthew Hussey?

  Thinking you wouldn't experience this kind of pain or worry or anxiety or fear. And then, oh, it turns out that I can feel that too. And those people who used to use, that I used to hear using the word anxiety, who I used to think, what is everyone fucking talking about anxiety? Like, what is wrong with everyone? Oh, shit.

• 1:05:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:05:33Matthew Hussey?

  The ways that you realize you're not, you're more vulnerable than you thought, that mistakes you thought you'd never make, you make.

• 1:05:42Lewis Howes?

  You make, yeah.

• 1:05:43Matthew Hussey?

  You said where everyone else's mistakes.

• 1:05:44Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 1:05:45Matthew Hussey?

  And then you make them. Things that were going well for you for a long time and then all of a sudden didn't go as well and you thought they were just always gonna go well. All sorts of things. You know, man. And that to me is what, as you get older, you, hopefully, hopefully.

• 1:06:02Matthew Hussey?

  You, you know, Socrates said the mark of an educated man is is someone who has some awareness of how little they know.

• 1:06:10Matthew Hussey?

  And hopefully, every year I realize how little I know. Less, more and more, I realize how much I don't know. And that has just, it's made me better. It's made me better. It's made me more forgiving. It's made me more empathetic. It's made me less judgmental. Made me a better coach, a better speaker. Not to be so sure of myself about everything all the time, you know? Which doesn't always make for great Instagram quotes.

• 1:06:41Lewis Howes?

  I don't know a thing, yeah.

• 1:06:42Matthew Hussey?

  I know, I know. If I know one thing, I know this. Well, yeah, maybe I feel I know less now than I did five years ago, and maybe that's a good thing.

• 1:06:51Lewis Howes?

  It is a good thing, I think. Humility is a good thing. We all need it at times. I'm curious, for all the women who come to your retreats, who are suffering, they deeply want this love, this connection, this compatibility commitment, they want all these things we're talking about. And they feel like they've been struggling for years. They've done the dating apps, they've gone on hundreds of dates. For all the people at your retreats, or the women who are watching or listening at home that just want to find their match, their partner, what's the first step they can take to start getting out of the weeds of like failure after failure and start seeing some progress to greater potential matches?

• 1:07:31Matthew Hussey?

  Or a couple of things. I mean firstly, there's a guy called John Kay who wrote a book called Obligity. And the whole idea of the book was, obliquity is when you reach goals through indirect means. So if you take building a business, you're far more like, if your, if your goal is to make money, instead of focusing on making money, focus on all the things that provide value to people. Because the making money part will be the byproduct.

• 1:08:00Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:08:01Matthew Hussey?

  If you focus on, I need to get rich, I need to get rich, I need to get rich, you're probably not going to do the things that are going to get you rich.

• 1:08:06Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:08:09Matthew Hussey?

  Because what makes you financially wealthy? The relationships you take time to build, that often for a long time. You don't ask for anything, you don't even care to, you're just building, you know, the products that you create for no reason, then you just think that they're great, or that you think they have value, or whatever, the service that you provide people, it's not... What's the quickest way for me to make money? Most people like that don't get rich. Right. In a relationship, there's all these things that build a relationship, that really have nothing to, that don't feel like they have anything to do with a relationship. Like, who would say, knowing what you would do with the next ten hours of your life, if it was free, is actually going to be a huge determinant of the health of your relationship?

• 1:08:55Matthew Hussey?

  It's like one's over here and one's over here. Right. Shouldn't we be talking about how to have better sex? Yeah. Shouldn't we be talking about how to communicate well with my partner? No, we're talking about you being an independently attractive, purpose-driven, independent person who is attractive just to watch from afar because of the life you lead. That's going to lead to a much better relationship. By the way, even that will lead to better sex. Yeah. Because your partner looks at you and is like... They're more attracted. This is a person. This isn't just an extension of me. Yeah. This is a person. So it's the indirect things that contribute. And so let's now take that to the single place. I'm single.

• 1:09:38Matthew Hussey?

  What's, what do I do next? Understand and study, and this is a big part of what I do in my work, so I'd encourage people to come check that out. Study the things that contribute to getting you a relationship, that often have nothing to do with getting a relationship. The things you do with your spare time.

• 1:10:02Matthew Hussey?

  If I wanna learn yoga, do I do it on my own at home with a YouTube video? Learning yoga, by the way, on its own could be a good thing. Just because it makes you more interesting, you have more to talk about, you feel confident in yourself, all of that. But, okay, now let me do a more sociable version of that. Let me go and do a class where I might actually have the chance of meeting other people. Maybe they're not men, maybe they're other single women, but other single women are useful too. Another indirect variable. Because you have more single friends or more fun friends, more charismatic friends, friends who come knocking at your door going, "Hey, we're going out. Get out of your goddamn pajamas, we're going out." Right? That person is gonna be great for your love life.

• 1:10:39Lewis Howes?

  Makes you more desirable, have more value.

• 1:10:41Matthew Hussey?

  And makes you leave the house.

• 1:10:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:43Matthew Hussey?

  Instead of staying in every weekend, makes you leave and go to places where people are. The books you read, who would say the books you read have anything to do with your relationship? But they do on a date when you have shit to talk about.

• 1:10:53Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely.

• 1:10:54Matthew Hussey?

  Right? So, there's all these factors. Now, the reason I'm saying that, because of course there are direct factors, but my programs in my company, which by the way, people could go to howtogetetheguide.com to go and find all of these. But the programs I have there are about very direct things, like how to flirt.

• 1:11:12Lewis Howes?

  Strategies.

• 1:11:13Matthew Hussey?

  How to meet someone, how to do this, how to do that. But that's one piece of it, right? It's, I encourage people to do all those indirect things. And then someone can't say, "I'm just sick of going out, I'm, I'm, I'm give, I give up." On what?

• 1:11:31Matthew Hussey?

  On what?

• 1:11:31Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:32Matthew Hussey?

  Like, someone said that to me in a seminar, I'd say, "I just feel like giving up." Tell me what-

• 1:11:36Lewis Howes?

  On yourself, on life?

• 1:11:37Matthew Hussey?

  What are you giving up on? I wanna hear this. Tell me, what are you giving up on? Well, I don't...

• 1:11:46Matthew Hussey?

  Meeting people? Meeting people, would you not meet people? If you, if someone said you could never find the love of your life, that's off the table. Would you really stop meeting people?

• 1:11:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:55Matthew Hussey?

  Your need for a human interaction would disappear? I don't think so. You'd stop flirting with people? That's part of your character. Flirt, being flirtatious is a part of who we are at times.

• 1:12:05Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:06Matthew Hussey?

  So why would we lose that, being sexual? Would you really lose that? You're gonna stop being sexual just because the end result isn't coming? I don't buy it. You'd stop doing hobbies, you'd stop getting out there? All the things that you have to get rid of to say, "I'm done with relationships" are things that would absolutely erode your life.

• 1:12:30Matthew Hussey?

  Even if you take the relationship out of the equation.

• 1:12:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:33Matthew Hussey?

  So I think people have to, I understand, I know there is a terrific level of like dating burnout right now. And if you're out there feeling that right now, I urge you to think about this differently. And to say, I don't have to constantly have it in my mind. I'm trying to meet someone, I'm trying to meet someone, I'm trying to meet someone. That game gets boring. And now when you go on a date and it doesn't go anywhere, you're a failure.

• 1:12:56Lewis Howes?

  You're exhausted, yeah.

• 1:12:57Matthew Hussey?

  I'm done.

• 1:12:59Matthew Hussey?

  See it as life. This isn't dating. It's life. It's meeting people.

• 1:13:06Lewis Howes?

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:13:06Matthew Hussey?

  It's experiencing a great conversation, having a fun moment of interaction, of flirtation. Doing things you wanna do anyway, doing hobbies you wanna do anyway. Cause they'll, they'll enrich your experience of life. All of those things are really important. You don't have to call it dating. Just go live.

• 1:13:26Lewis Howes?

  It's kinda like the analogy you said about running a business. If you're focused on, I need the relationship. Whereas like, I need to make a certain amount of money.

• 1:13:33Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:33Lewis Howes?

  Is the, is getting the relationship as opposed to, why don't I add value to the world and I'll attract the customers that will pay me and I'll make some money?

• 1:13:41Matthew Hussey?

  Because I need to make money focuses on things that make the short-term economics work.

• 1:13:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:47Matthew Hussey?

  And those things are generally not good for a business.

• 1:13:51Lewis Howes?

  That's it.

• 1:13:51Matthew Hussey?

  Right? Same in, same in love.

• 1:13:54Lewis Howes?

  I wanna, I wanna ask you a couple of final questions. This just came to me. I don't think I've ever asked anyone this, but since you're the love guy, I'm gonna go there. Typically, I would ask the three truths question, which is what are your three truths if it was the last day of your life? But I'm gonna ask you a different spin on this. Imagine it's the last day of your life and you've been in a, a committed, compatible, loving relationship with the woman of your dreams for the last thirty, forty, fifty, whatever years. And you've been a part of this journey and experience where you've built this incredible castle. With all of its dents and wears and tears and love and magic and unicorns and everything.

• 1:14:39Lewis Howes?

  And it's your last day. And you've got a, lights are gonna go off and you're not gonna be on this world anymore. And your partner has a few more years to live.

• 1:14:52Lewis Howes?

  She's gonna live a little longer than you.

• 1:14:55Lewis Howes?

  And you get to write three things, a love letter to your partner.

• 1:14:59Matthew Hussey?

  Right.

• 1:15:00Lewis Howes?

  About the three things you loved about her the most. That brought you the most joy, the most incredible life from this relationship that you built together.

• 1:15:13Lewis Howes?

  What would you say or write to her are the three things you loved the most about this woman? That she would remember and go on for a few more years afterwards?

• 1:15:24Matthew Hussey?

  That would be specific to a relationship, right? To a specific person?

• 1:15:28Lewis Howes?

  To that relationship, yeah. To that person and the relationship. Imagine the relationship is everything you could ever dream of. You created the relationship of your dreams. It's the golden standard for the world. To look at a relationship and say, wow, they lived it. They did it, they loved, they went through it, they were vulnerable, it wasn't perfect, but man, this couple is the golden standard.

• 1:15:55Matthew Hussey?

  Man, okay.

• 1:15:57Lewis Howes?

  What would you say are the three things? So I want you to go there because I believe you're gonna create that. In the relationship that you want to create. So what are the three things you would write a love letter to your, your wife on your last day? About the three things you appreciated the most about the love you created together?

• 1:16:14Matthew Hussey?

  That.

• 1:16:17Matthew Hussey?

  You made me feel safe enough to be the best I could possibly be.

• 1:16:27Matthew Hussey?

  Your love made me feel so secure.

• 1:16:32Matthew Hussey?

  Gave me such a platform to go and make an impact in the world on. That that, and don't get me wrong, I think we should have our internal security, but I felt so secure in the relationship

• 1:16:46Matthew Hussey?

  that this gave me, this relationship gave me the energy

• 1:16:52Matthew Hussey?

  to go out there and do amazing things with that energy. So I made a bigger impact in the world because of the energy that your love gave me.

• 1:17:01Lewis Howes?

  I'm getting chills already. This makes me emotional just thinking about it.

• 1:17:05Matthew Hussey?

  See if I have anywhere to go from there.

• 1:17:07Lewis Howes?

  So safety, security.

• 1:17:11Matthew Hussey?

  That you.

• 1:17:15Matthew Hussey?

  You made me feel like I wasn't alone in the world. And I don't just mean because we had each other. You can feel very lonely in a relationship, especially if you don't feel seen.

• 1:17:32Matthew Hussey?

  But you find someone who sees you, who really gets you. And all of a sudden, you don't feel so alone in the world because life is lonely.

• 1:17:46Matthew Hussey?

  You can have tons of people around you, but there's a certain existential loneliness that many people feel in life that

• 1:17:56Matthew Hussey?

  for moments or times evaporates when you feel a true connection with someone and you see each other. You go, wow, that's, that to me is transcendent. So you, your ability to see me made me feel less alone in the world.

• 1:18:22Matthew Hussey?

  And I guess

• 1:18:25Matthew Hussey?

  you were a role model for me.

• 1:18:29Matthew Hussey?

  That through observing you

• 1:18:35Matthew Hussey?

  and seeing the way you live and seeing the way you approach things, that there were so many times where I noticed you were better than me. And that taught me how to be better. It taught me how to, I grew because I saw the way you were. And that showed me, no matter where I thought I was, being around you showed me

• 1:19:05Matthew Hussey?

  how wonderful people can be. And that made me want to be more wonderful.

• 1:19:10Matthew Hussey?

  I guess those would be three.

• 1:19:11Lewis Howes?

  That's a beautiful love letter. What's the letter you would write to yourself? You're 200 years old. It's the last day still. And you'd write a letter to your 32-year-old self. 32 now?

• 1:19:27Matthew Hussey?

  31, 32 in a couple of weeks.

• 1:19:29Lewis Howes?

  You write a letter to your 32-year-old self and say,

• 1:19:33Lewis Howes?

  one piece of advice, looking back at what you'd say to yourself on how to become the best partner to create that magical relationship.

• 1:19:45Matthew Hussey?

  One thing I would say, looking back, looking at myself, saying, here's a, here's a guide to being a...

• 1:19:51Lewis Howes?

  Here's what you need to do to become that partner with that, with that other person. Here's what you need to let go of, here's what you need to step into, here's where your ego needs to take a check.

• 1:20:05Matthew Hussey?

  I think, how many things do I get?

• 1:20:07Lewis Howes?

  Give yourself a few.

• 1:20:08Matthew Hussey?

  Let's do, let's do a couple. I, I think, I always loved just the, the idea of, you know, question everything. You know, don't, that thing that you take for granted that you're right about, you know, question everything, cause it's, I mean, it's just amazing to me, the things I, I look back on now and I no longer disu- I no longer agree with what the 23-year-old version of me thought, the 25-year-old version of me thought. And I think, understanding that, at least, we're, we're not very good at thinking about all the ways we might be wrong today. But we're really good at knowing the ways we were wrong before, right? And it's more, that's, you know, if you think of a lot, a lot of self-improvement, people, right?

• 1:20:52Matthew Hussey?

  Gurus, leaders, whatever, you know, people wanna call themselves. They struggle, they're very good at telling stories of how they fucked up. Ah, five years ago, or 10 years ago.

• 1:21:04Lewis Howes?

  But now you're still doing it.

• 1:21:05Matthew Hussey?

  You should've seen me there. But not many people are good at talking about today.

• 1:21:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:10Matthew Hussey?

  And I think that that's a kind of blind spot we, we, most of us have, in life, people in general. And I think if we can apply that thing of, oh yeah, God, I was so wrong about that five years ago. I was so, I couldn't be more wrong about that, and I know that now. We should apply that to the next five years too.

• 1:21:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:21:29Matthew Hussey?

  You know, in the next 10 years and say, there's a lot of shit I'm gonna look back on five years from now, and say, God, I did not know what I was talking about. That doesn't mean we should not trust ourselves on anything. You know, there's, I've heard it said, you know, strong opinions loosely held. You know, it doesn't mean we shouldn't be passionate about what we think now, but it does mean we should leave room for questioning. And to that end...

• 1:21:55Matthew Hussey?

  I think I would tell myself to be kinder to myself over the course of my life for things that I'd, mistakes I'd made within relationships. I have definitely, I have definitely been the person and even today have to wrestle with doing something that I know, God, that wasn't the best reaction to that. I wish I'd handled that differently. I wish I'd have said a different thing. I wish I'd have phrased that differently. I wish I didn't say that.

• 1:22:28Matthew Hussey?

  And then really, really beating myself up for it. You know, not letting it go. Even after you've finished the argument, even after you get to the other side of it. Holding on to it, yeah. Continuing to berate yourself for it. And the shame about that is that it lacks humanity. It makes us forget that we're human and that we don't get everything right. And the only way we're gonna get more right is by making certain mistakes and learning from them. That's true. And it also stops us from being effective because that energy that we're putting into berating ourselves is actually stopping us from doing the very things that would move everything forward from that mistake.

• 1:23:13Matthew Hussey?

  It's not, it doesn't make relationships better. Mistakes actually make relationships better very often. Because you learn, or you hopefully you'll learn. You learn. Those things, they really can transform, mistakes can transform relationships, but not if you sit there consistently dwelling on them.

• 1:23:34Matthew Hussey?

  They make relationships better if you can improve from them and move on and be the thing you wanna be now. So I think I would tell myself to be kinder to myself for mistakes. To not obsess over things I should have said or done differently.

• 1:23:53Matthew Hussey?

  You know what? To that end, we should, halfway through this interview, I was, kept losing my train of thought.

• 1:24:01Matthew Hussey?

  And probably you were gonna edit that out to be kind to me because like. Don't beat yourself up over it. Give people the real shit. Yeah. Matthew Hussey's really eloquent. Oh, look at the way he could string a thought together. Well, I lost, I, I lost my train of thought three or four times. I don't know what happened. I don't know what happened. I, I couldn't think of the thing I was gonna say next. I kept, kept blanking. Mm hmm. Okay. Show people that. That's, that's inspiring. Yeah. Oh, Matthew Hussey can be in the middle of an interview and just go completely blank and not know what the hell he was saying. Yeah. Then what am I worried about? Yeah. That's more interesting. And that's, you know, that's a real relationship. Yeah.

• 1:24:43Matthew Hussey?

  A real relationship. That's, that's the real stuff. That's the stuff we're not seeing when we see other people's relationships and everything. The highlight reels. Great and everything. No, that's just like, if we wanna, if we wanna change our world, forget the world for a moment. Cause it's always seems a bit grandiose when we talk about changing the world, but changing our world. Let's bring in the real. Because that, that genuinely changes things. You know what makes relationships better? True realness, vulnerability, people living their truth, people being more real, being more upfront, more direct. You know what makes you more attractive on a date? Being more real. Mm hmm. Not going there. You people worry about their hair and is this all right?

• 1:25:29Matthew Hussey?

  Be, tell a real fucking story on the day. Yeah. That's what's gonna, you wanna talk about deep attraction, not surface level bullshit? Deep, surface level bullshit is in two D on Instagram. Deep attraction, the kind of attraction that gets relationships comes from real stories. Yeah. Real shared experiences. And if you want, and if you do wanna change other people's worlds, as you know, cause you're so good at it. It's bring people the real. Yeah. Cause that's more inspiring than the. Guy who sits there and does great for an hour and always knows exactly what he's gonna say.

• 1:26:02Lewis Howes?

  Perfect person, yes. It's not as interesting. I love this man. Those are good insights for you. Hopefully that's helpful for your life reflecting on that.

• 1:26:10Matthew Hussey?

  Yeah, you've, I mean, that was, yeah, you asked a hell of a question. You're great though, man. You're great at what you do and I have to, I know that you, you say a lot about, you know, I hear you talk a lot about gratitude and you ask people questions constantly about that. I have to share my gratitude for you while we're here to, to honor you to your audience because you have, you know, I've been through difficult things and I've given you the phone call at difficult times in my life.

• 1:26:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:26:39Matthew Hussey?

  Where, you know, I'm like, Lewis, I need someone to talk to, man. And you've given me the time, sat down with me and been a voice for me that is sober and out of my own head. And been truly kind in kind and wise, which is a good combination. When someone's not just being kind to you, but they also are saying things that are very, very astute and helpful. And you've been that for me in some, in some really difficult moments. And I remember in those moments thinking, God, I'm so, going home and thinking how grateful I am for that friendship.

• 1:27:15Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:27:16Matthew Hussey?

  And, and hoping that more people get that for themselves because it's a tremendous thing when you have it. So thank you for that.

• 1:27:23Lewis Howes?

  I appreciate it. It's been a beautiful four years.

• 1:27:25Matthew Hussey?

  It really has.

• 1:27:26Lewis Howes?

  I'm excited for forty more, man.

• 1:27:28Matthew Hussey?

  Let's keep putting paint on the wall.

• 1:27:30Lewis Howes?

  I'm in, man. We gotta keep building. We gotta keep building.

• 1:27:33Matthew Hussey?

  And I'll say to anyone out there right now who's watching, um, because I wanna, I'd love to give you a way to kind of continue the journey with me, uh, if I'm resonating with you. There is a, a wonderful video. I do my retreats twice a year, as you know, there are six day program. And I urge anyone to apply for that if you, you know, can create six days to transform your life.

• 1:27:56Lewis Howes?

  Game changer.

• 1:27:57Matthew Hussey?

  Please, please, please apply. That's at Matthew Hussey Retreat dot com. But I also created an at home version of this for people who aren't able to come to the live event. And you can obviously go and do that program and I would encourage you to do it. But what I've done is taken a training piece from that. And I'm giving it away as a gift. And that's, I literally bring a woman on stage, this beautiful gorgeous soul Alexandria. I bring her on stage and we really transform her perspective and her confidence in a kind of very relatively short space of time. And people can see what's possible for themselves in their confidence by watching this video. And by watching the process that I take her through.

• 1:28:40Lewis Howes?

  Where can I get that?

• 1:28:41Matthew Hussey?

  That's at GetMatt'sSecret.com, Matt with two Ts. GetMatt'sSecret.com. You know, just go there, put in your email address. You can download, you can be watching it immediately, five minutes from now. But it's very, very powerful. And for anyone who's like, oh no, you know, I wanted more of this, they can, you can go and get more there.

• 1:29:01Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and subscribe to you on YouTube because I watch your videos and I'm not a girl. You know, they're for women, but I'm like, I learned so much as a man. Being in a relationship, when I was single, I would watch them and I was just learning so much. So it doesn't matter who you are. I look forward to every Sunday to getting your email for the videos. So make sure you guys subscribe there. Matthew Hussey on Instagram, Facebook, YouTube. And GetMatt'sSecret.com. Final question for you, before I ask it, I gotta acknowledge you, man, for constantly being a powerful voice in the world for so many women who are suffering. You know, you mostly work with women and there's a lot of women, I think, who are just suffering because they don't know how to get out of their own way.

• 1:29:44Lewis Howes?

  And you help them gain the confidence by focusing on their life and taking responsibility for their life. And giving them strategies and tools to really attract love, committed, compatible love. And I think at the end of the day, we all want that connection and that intimacy and that love. And you're Providing a safe environment for women to cultivate that within themselves and truly love themselves first, so they can attract a partner that they want and equal they want. So, I acknowledge you, man. It's amazing. You've been committed for a decade plus now, and you haven't slowed down, so.

• 1:30:21Matthew Hussey?

  Thank you, and I want to say, I really appreciate you saying that. And I want to say to anyone out there, I'm, I mean, I'm on the journey with you. Like, I'm not, I'm not coming from here. I'm, I'm, I'm right there with you, doing the work for myself.

• 1:30:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:30:34Matthew Hussey?

  And my own experiment all the time.

• 1:30:36Lewis Howes?

  You're not perfect?

• 1:30:39Matthew Hussey?

  Life's hard.

• 1:30:40Lewis Howes?

  It is, man.

• 1:30:41Matthew Hussey?

  Life's hard, and I'm, I'm working on it. But I encourage other people to come and, you know, work on it with me.

• 1:30:46Lewis Howes?

  There you go. My final question is, what's your definition of a great relationship?

• 1:30:53Matthew Hussey?

  I think it's, it's gotta be one where one plus one equals three.

• 1:30:59Lewis Howes?

  There you go.

• 1:31:02Lewis Howes?

  Matthew Hossi, my man. Appreciate you, brother.

• 1:31:04Matthew Hussey?

  Appreciate you.

• 1:31:08Lewis Howes?

  There you have it, my friends. I hope you enjoyed this episode. It blows me away every time I hang out with Matthew, every time I watch his content. So make sure you subscribe, check out all of his work, and make sure to share this with a friend. You can really help someone find more peace and more love in their life by sending them this link to the audio episode. LewisHowes.com/811 is the link, or you can just copy the link on the podcast app that you're listening to this. Text some friends. Do this right now. Post this on your Instagram story, share it all over social media. Spread the love on how to find lasting love. That's right. It's all about finding love. That's really

• 1:31:51Lewis Howes?

  the purpose of why we're here. It's to be love. Spread love and receive love.

• 1:31:58Lewis Howes?

  And I know some of you have been struggling with this. I've struggled with this my whole life. And I don't want you to struggle anymore. I don't want to struggle anymore, and I don't want you to struggle. So, take action on this. Let me know what you enjoyed about this the most. Make sure to tag me at Lewis Howes and at Matthew Hussey over on Instagram. And I'm sure he'd love to see your responses as well. Check out one of his live events, his retreats. The guy's doing some incredible stuff, and you can go to his website as well, all linked up over the show notes, lewishouse.com/811. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be fully seen, and you deserve to give love and experience it at the highest levels. I'm not

• 1:32:43Lewis Howes?

  saying it's going to be easy. I'm not saying there aren't going to be challenges and adversity. But at the end of the day, without love, what are we really doing here? Without loving yourself fully, without finding other people to love around you, and finding someone intimate to love as well, there seems to be more stress and more anxiety in the world without that. The core of what we want is love. And Lao Tzu said, "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." I hope you have the courage and the strength today to be loved and receive love, because I love you so very much. And

• 1:33:26Lewis Howes?

  as always, you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.