7 Keys to Lasting Love (& Attracting a Healthy Relationship) | Lewis Howes

As you may have heard me share on the show, when it comes to romantic relationships I’ve had to learn some hard lessons and have had to do a lot of healing work on myself. I’m far from perfect, but I have been curious, committed and hungry to understand what makes certain relationships succeed. And now I have something I have never experienced before in any relationship. Peace and Harmony. So, whether you're in a relationship or on the journey to find that special someone, we've got a powerful episode for you today. We're discussing the "7 Keys To Lasting Love." This episode is for those who are willing to do the work, to take a hard look at your patterns, to define your own worthiness and to adopt a mindset of Greatness when it comes to your romantic relationships. In this episode you will learnThe importance of effective communication in relationships, including mastering the art of listening, and how it serves as the foundation for lasting love. The transformative power of vulnerability, how it fosters intimacy and trust, and why it's crucial to show up and be seen in your relationships. The significance of showing respect and setting boundaries, how to communicate your needs clearly, and the role of boundaries in fostering healthy relationships. The value of showing appreciation and understanding your partner's love language, and how recognizing and fulfilling each other's emotional needs strengthens your bond. The importance of growth and adaptability in relationships, embracing change, and supporting each other's journeys towards becoming the best versions of yourselves. For more information go to www.lewishowes.com/1574For more Greatness text PODCAST to +1 (614) 350-3960More SOLO episodes from Lewis we think you’ll love:The Dangers of the Good Life – https://link.chtbl.com/1466-podCrush Self-Doubt – https://link.chtbl.com/1459-podLead with Love & Manifest Your Perfect Relationship – https://link.chtbl.com/1450-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:02Lewis Howes?

  I am so excited to be selected as a creator we love by Apple Podcast editors. Throughout the year, Apple Podcasts celebrates top performing creators for their amazing content and showcasing the power of podcasting. I'm thrilled to be picked and I hope you enjoy this show. Effective communication is the foundation of every relationship, specifically in intimacy. And there is one big thing that most people do not do in order to become a great communicator. And communication has nothing to do with what you say. Communication has everything to do to how you... Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur.

• 0:46Lewis Howes?

  And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 1:03Lewis Howes?

  Welcome back to the School of Greatness. I'm very excited to talk about this subject today. It's the seven keys to lasting love. Now, why am I diving into this? I've been fascinated with relationships for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, I really didn't feel connected to too many people. I was the youngest of four. My parents were working extremely hard in their jobs, but also trying their best to parent us. And I was always struggling with friendships. I didn't really feel like I had a lot of friends growing up. I felt like I was more picked on and kind of the kid in the back of the class who was just struggling in school and really just got made fun of a lot. And that was the memories, or at least the stories I tell myself. And I remember in middle school, high school, college, starting to observe people a lot

• 1:47Lewis Howes?

  and seeing how do people work in relationship dynamics? What makes people attracted to another person? What makes them interested? What makes them laugh? I started to observe people and really just study human dynamics, human behavior, and social situations. And I started to experiment a lot. I started to try to build deeper relationships. I tried to be... A funny human being. I tried to act intelligent. I tried to jump in quickly in conversation. I tried to show off and show a big ego of what I could accomplish in my successes in sports and things like that. And really, I learned the hard way about how to not do relationships from

• 2:28Lewis Howes?

  multiple quote unquote failed intimate relationships that I've had since I was 16 until I was about 38.

• 2:38Lewis Howes?

  And a lot of different healing modalities that I've been through over the last 10 years. Emotional intelligence workshops, coaches, therapists, immersive somatic experiences to get reconnected to my nervous system and my body, get out of my ego and into my heart and truly connect with my authentic self. And so today is breaking down the seven keys to lasting love and figuring out how do you develop and create a conscious relationship with someone that you truly love and care about. How do you choose the partner wisely, but also when you're with the partner, how do you make sure the relationship lasts? Not just through suffering

• 3:19Lewis Howes?

  and surviving, but through thriving. And that's what this is all about. I don't believe that this world and this life is supposed to be sad and suffering and a constant situation where you just feel like I am not enough. This is never going to work out. All my relationships fail. And I am never going to find someone that I truly care about and love. And I'm never going to be able to have a happy relationship, a fulfilled, thriving relationship. I truly believe that we are meant to overcome the adversities and the stories and the beliefs that hold us back from the things that may have happened to us and write a new story and create a new

• 4:03Lewis Howes?

  relationship with ourselves in the world. And ultimately, attracting an incredible partner for yourself so that you can have a love story, a life full of a lot of love, and you can think about every single day. The gratitude and appreciation you have for this relationship. I truly believe it's possible. One, because I never thought it was possible from all of these stressful, struggling, failed relationships I experienced. They felt like a ton of work. They felt like we were never in alignment and we were always off in some way. They felt like, um, they just weren't ever the right fit. And I don't blame any of the people that I was in relationships with.

• 4:46Lewis Howes?

  I didn't know how to choose. Out of really these seven different things we're to talk about. I didn't know how to choose from a place of wholeness and a journey of healing. I was choosing out of a place of anxiousness, avoidant, being emotionally unattached at certain times, or whatever it might have been, out of fear, really. I was choosing out of fear. And the goal is to choose from a place of faith and love. Knowing that the relationship is never going to be this perfect thing. You're never going to find the perfect person who never makes a mistake or who isn't flawed. And if that's what you're thinking right now, it's just not going to happen. But through these seven keys that we're going to talk about in this episode,

• 5:29Lewis Howes?

  you can really set yourself up for a lot of success in your relationship. And when I think of success, I don't mean it looks good to the outside world. I don't mean you've picked a partner that looks good on paper and that your parents approve of and your friends admire. I'm talking about success in the terms of you feel a sense of peace, gratitude and harmony inside of you. And your environment is full of love. Again, it doesn't mean you're not going to have challenging conversations or struggle from time to time or face adversity together. But the goal is to create harmony and create a peaceful, thriving relationship with harmony.

• 6:13Lewis Howes?

  Not with stress, not with chaos, not with explosive emotions and chaotic energy. That is not a thriving relationship. That might be fun and interesting for a short amount of time. But over a long lasting relationship, that is.

• 6:30Lewis Howes?

  unsustainable. It will burn you out and it will bring you to your knees and make you feel like the world is crumbling against you. Your goal is not to create that relationship, but to create one that supports you in becoming your greatest self, the highest version of you, where you can actualize your talents, your gifts and dreams, and manifest those into the world in service through the relationship. That's what this is all about. So harmony, peace and harmony. That is the thing that I've learned is the highest form of currency in an intimate relationship. When you have those things, it feels like you can do anything in your life.

• 7:13Lewis Howes?

  You feel this renewable energy. You feel like, man, I'm so blessed and grateful that this person fully accepts who I am and wants to see me improve and grow as a human being. And they want to see me thrive in my, my career, my profession and my health and my, my other relationships. Uh, my dreams, they want to see me thrive. They don't get jealous or insecure. They get excited for me. That's what you want to experience when you're in this place of peace and harmony. This renewable energy that makes you feel you are unstoppable. And so these seven keys to lasting love. This episode is for those who are willing to do the work.

• 7:58Lewis Howes?

  This is not supposed to be, um, it just comes to you effortlessly if you don't do the work. Now, if you're willing to invest the time and energy to do the work for yourself, to start to heal, to integrate, to process these different things that you may have been running from or avoiding, or things you've been chasing to try to feel and fill up something that you feel empty inside. We've got to learn to face ourself. We must learn to embrace the parts of us that we don't enjoy, that we feel shame or insecurity or doubt or anger or resentment around. We must turn around, face and embrace those things and then replace those things with a new identity,

• 8:39Lewis Howes?

  with a new belief system, with a new way of thinking, feeling and experiencing life. A new lens to perceive the world in a different way. But if you're not willing to turn around and face yourself. Not run away and not chase something else. Turn around and face yourself. If you're not willing to embrace the parts of you that you do not like and that you do not love. The things where you feel ashamed of. If you're not willing to embrace those things and start rewiring your brain and rewiring your nervous system to connect to those things and heal them to create wholeness. Healthier relationship with self and your own self-identity.

• 9:22Lewis Howes?

  And if you're not willing to replace those old beliefs with new beliefs and embrace the change that you need to make in your life to feel whole, then this isn't gonna work for you. This isn't gonna work for you. You're not gonna find Prince Charming who's gonna rescue you from all of your wounds and traumas of your past and heal you by themselves. That's not gonna happen. You're not gonna find the perfect woman who's gonna make you feel loved and seen and acknowledged because you've never felt that before in the past. That's not going to happen. You have got to be willing to do the work on your own as well. And when you do that work, you're gonna start to see people differently and you're gonna start to attract the ideal partner in your life to then create lasting love.

• 10:08Lewis Howes?

  The work must be done by you. This doesn't come easily without the work. When you do the work, that's when you attract. And it's like, boom, you become a magnet. You become a vortex of love. You become abundant with possibilities for love. Then you have to be discerning to make sure you ask the courageous questions and get to know the right person and make sure you're in alignment with your values, your vision and your lifestyle. Those will be key in choosing your partner with alignment, values, vision and lifestyle. Once you do this, then you've got to follow through on these seven keys.

• 10:50Lewis Howes?

  And when I looked up the biggest fear people have when it comes to relationships, I found this. According to Psych Central, the most common fears within relationships include intimacy, inadequacy, and abandonment. Now let that sink in. Intimacy, inadequacy, and abandonment. We all have some type of fear that we need to overcome. Which one of those is the greatest fear for you? If you're watching this right now, leave a comment below on our channel and let me know. Type in which one that is for you. Intimacy, inadequacy, or abandonment?

• 11:30Lewis Howes?

  Which wound do you have, or have you had in the past? Leave a comment below. And how many of you have entered a relationship and feared it would go away, or you might lose it? Like if you don't give in, or please them of everything they want, maybe they're not gonna like me and love me, and they're gonna leave me. I love this quote by Diego, AKA Young Pueblo, who we had on the show. He said, "We allow ourselves to love because it's worth the risk. Even though there is a chance of loss or hurt, we take the leap again and again because love is one of the best parts of being alive. We don't do it because it's easy. We do it because connection makes everything brighter."

• 12:14Lewis Howes?

  Ooh, I love that quote. Diego Young Pueblo, I love that quote because on the other side of fear, when we heal and go through and face ourselves, the parts of ourselves that we don't truly enjoy, that we're afraid of, on the other side of that, that's when it becomes a loving experience. That's where we can feel love at the highest level. But if we're living in fear and anxiety and worry about abandonment, or a lack of inadequacy, or whatever it might be, if we're living in that anxious feeling, we're going to attract out of a place of anxiousness. We're gonna stay in a relationship in that, and that's not going to allow us to thrive and flow energetically in love. The thing that's missing for most of us is one thing.

• 12:57Lewis Howes?

  And this thing is holding you back from experiencing the most beautiful life you could ever have. It's the thing that keeps you stuck. It's the thing that keeps you feeling not enough. It's the thing that continues to put you in front of the wrong people and keep you in toxic relationships. And the thing that most of us are missing is self-love.

• 13:21Lewis Howes?

  And we will give to others before we give to ourselves. We will take care of our pets better than we take care of ourselves. We will give everything to everyone else. And then we will have a hard time giving that back to self. And that is just not going to set you up for a successful long-term relationship. We must learn to switch this. I'm not saying stop being a generous human being and stop thinking about people. That's not what I'm saying. But what I am saying, include yourself in the conversation of being a generous human being. Include yourself in the love you give others. Give that love to yourself as well.

• 14:05Lewis Howes?

  Don't only be selfish, don't only have an ego, don't only think of you. Give it to you as well. You deserve that. And if you're willing to give that to others, but you aren't willing to give that to yourself, how are you going to attract and receive love from another if you can't even receive it from yourself? It will be near impossible and you will sabotage the relationship over and over again. No matter how much they try to give you, how much they try to love you, how much they try to support you, you will reject it energetically because you haven't learned how to love yourself first. So this will be one of the keys that you're going to need to focus on if you want to have a thriving, long-lasting relationships.

• 14:47Lewis Howes?

  And before we dive into these seven keys, I want to read one more quote that I found online. I'm not sure who said this, but I found this quote that says, "If you want something, you have to become it first. If you want love, love yourself first. If you want to be valued, value yourself first. If you want to be taken care of, take care of yourself first. Become the energy you want to attract."

• 15:16Lewis Howes?

  I want to read that again. Become the energy you want to attract.

• 15:24Lewis Howes?

  In relationships, all forms of relationships, there are keys, tools, and insights to find love. Today, I want to talk about ways to making love last. Love for your partner, but maybe even more importantly, developing love for yourself. Because again, if you do not learn the tools for loving you, you'll never have a long lasting intimate relationship with another person. So key number one is communication. Now, that may not be some new concept for you, but how many of you have received feedback from your partner, a friend, or coworker that you are not the best at communicating? Or maybe you don't even know how to receive feedback?

• 16:07Lewis Howes?

  Because it's a one-way channel of communication, and you're not a good listener. Effective communication is the foundation of every relationship, specifically in intimacy. And there is one big thing that most people do not do in order to become a great communicator. And communication has nothing to do with what you say. Communication has everything to do to how you listen. And most people do not have the skill of listening. It is a skill. It's something I've been working on my entire life. I still get to work on listening. And I have done over 11 years of interviews

• 16:50Lewis Howes?

  that I've recorded, over 1,500 episodes. I've interviewed so many different incredible minds in the world. And I still need to learn how to listen better. I still interrupt sometimes. I still add my two cents when someone's talking. I still do those things. Now, yes, that is natural conversation and flow. You're ebbing and flowing in a conversation. But the key to being a great communicator is not how funny you are, how interesting you are, what you say, how smart you are. It's how well you listen. This is everything in relationships, everything. I feel blessed in some ways because my biggest adversity and challenge as a kid.

• 17:37Lewis Howes?

  Was my fear of speaking in public. I could not stand up in front of an audience of three or four peers and speak for a sentence without feeling like everyone was gonna laugh at me. I couldn't get up in front of the class and read aloud because I had dyslexia and struggled reading.

• 17:56Lewis Howes?

  I just was always worried about how people were gonna think about me based on what I said. So this was a big insecurity and fear that I needed to overcome. And that became a great gift for me. Because I was afraid of that. So it taught me how to just sit there, observe, and listen. And really pay attention. What are people saying? What are they not saying? What are they saying with their body language, their facial expressions? What are they wanting to say that they should be saying? And the more I would observe this in different social settings, from elementary school all the way into the business world, to interviewing some of the top people in the world. The more I'd experience this at live events, experiences, all these different

• 18:39Lewis Howes?

  social dynamics and places that I would go. The more I would do this, the more I would realize that listening is the key. It's the key to communication. And the funny thing is, I would go to events in my early twenties. And I would somehow get in the room with big leaders, thought leaders, and authors, and speakers, and somehow be in the room with them. And I'd always be thinking to myself, man, I'm ten, twenty years younger than this individual. I have no experience compared to what their experience is. They are just so much smarter than me. And so, all I would do is ask them a few questions and look at them and pay attention. Pay attention, and then I would ask a follow-up question.

• 19:23Lewis Howes?

  And I would do this for ten, twenty, thirty minutes. And if we were at an event... And I would essentially be asking a few different questions for a period of time. And at the end of this conversation, the person would always say, man, you're just such an interesting person. Like, this has been a great conversation. And I'm like, I didn't even say anything. I just asked questions. But if you want to become one of the most interesting people in the room or in a relationship, become the most interested person in the room or in that relationship. And what that means is be interested and curious about other people, especially in a relationship and communication. Most people, they might do this in the first six months to a year, but then they stop doing this.

• 20:07Lewis Howes?

  They stop being interested. And then you lose communication. So be willing to ask questions, be willing to be vulnerable and open up. Be willing to pay attention. This is one of the keys to lasting love is communication. And communication is not all about speaking. It's about listening, observing, and being curious. We've had several different social dynamics, individuals, communication experts, facial expression experts on the show. So make sure to, to check out some of these episodes that we've had that can give you tools for increasing your communication in relationships.

• 20:49Lewis Howes?

  And again, by going to your partner and checking in on them, by asking them how they're doing and actually listening to them, this goes way better than just speaking what happened to you all day long or complaining to them. So be willing to listen and ask questions. The second key of long-lasting love is vulnerability. Now, ladies, you may be thinking, yeah, I've been looking for a vulnerable man. I've been looking for a man to open up, to, to show me his emotions. And all the men I find are emotionally unavailable and they're closed off and they're just ego-driven. And listen, I used to be that way, so I know how it feels. But I didn't have a safe environment with me.

• 21:32Lewis Howes?

  That's why we've all got to be doing the work so that vulnerability opens up and is available for us. But ladies, if you want a man to be vulnerable with you, you need to first create a safe environment that they can be vulnerable. And the challenge that I've faced in past relationships is I have been vulnerable. I've showed emotion in terms of like sadness and tears. And I've been made fun of when that happened in previous relationships. And I'll tell you what, that doesn't make you feel safe. That doesn't make you want to show your emotions or be vulnerable ever again. It makes you want to toughen up. It makes you want to say, never again am I going to be open and real and vulnerable with this person because I don't feel safe.

• 22:14Lewis Howes?

  And if you want to shut a man down, then don't let them be vulnerable. Make fun of them, tell them never to show their emotions, and you will get a one-sided man. That man may be strong and he may be tough and he may get things done. But when you want someone to really feel intimate and vulnerable with, you've already shut that out of your relationship. And that's going to create distance in a long-term relationship. So vulnerability is key number two to lasting love. Now, I'm not saying every day you need to be vulnerable and sitting there eye to eye, staring at each other and crying and weeping over something every single day. That's not vulnerability. Vulnerability is authenticity. It's being real.

• 22:57Lewis Howes?

  It's expressing how you truly feel. But most people don't express how they truly feel. They feel like they've got to act a part. They feel like they can't truly open up. And that really will hurt you. So again, there's a lot of strength that comes in doing the internal work. There's a lot of strength. It comes in facing the different traumas that you may have, whether they're little traumas or big traumas. But this is the work that you're going to need to do in order to be vulnerable. And it took me a long time. So you've got to also give people grace because some people's traumas are so deep that they don't want to face those things right away. And you can't force someone to face these things.

• 23:39Lewis Howes?

  You can't pressure someone to be vulnerable if they're not ready. So also take a breath and accept the person and meet them where they're at.

• 23:50Lewis Howes?

  It took me 25 years to really start opening up about some of the biggest traumas that I had from sexual abuse and abandonment and other feelings and emotions that I felt really triggered by, that I wasn't willing to talk to people about, until I felt like enough was enough and I had to start doing the work. And it was a 10, 11 year journey from that point, that I've been constantly evolving, doing the work and growing. And I still have a lot of work that I get to do and that's okay. But again, don't force and pressure someone to be vulnerable. You know, Dr. Brene Brown, who we've had on the show, amazing interview that we had, is well known for discussing the power of vulnerability in relationships and how it fosters intimacy and deepens connections.

• 24:34Lewis Howes?

  And I love this quote by Brene Brown, "Vulnerability is not winning or losing. It's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control of the outcome."

• 24:49Lewis Howes?

  Man, when you're vulnerable,

• 24:56Lewis Howes?

  and you have the courage to show up and be seen, and not have control of what is going to happen next. How is someone going to respond? How am I going to feel? Man, that takes courage. And it may seem like a small or simple thing, but that takes emotional vulnerability, emotional courage. I can go on the football field against the biggest man, head to head, smash my head against them, full speed, tackle them, score touchdowns. I could get in a fight with anyone and take care of myself. I can do whatever you need to do. That's courage. That wasn't courage. You know, there might be moments where I need to be able to defend and protect myself if there's a life or death threat. But most of the times, it's an ego threat.

• 25:40Lewis Howes?

  It's a threat to our ego and our image that causes us to fight, to confront, to pick a fight with someone, and that doesn't serve us. We're confronted by ego, that's not courage. Courage is actually rising above that and knowing I am strong and capable enough to handle any situation because I'm training and developing myself. But it doesn't mean I need to use this anger or aggression to fight in any situation. She says it's not about winning or losing, right? It's about having the courage to show up and be vulnerable without knowing the outcome. The challenge is you've got to be making sure that you first attract a partner

• 26:23Lewis Howes?

  who is vulnerable with you before you get, you know, committed. Uh, date the person, get to know them, make sure that you can be vulnerable in the first few months of dating them before committing to them and getting married to them and realizing, oh, there's no vulnerability here. We've always been surface level. Cause that's surface level is not going to support you in thriving for a long lasting relationship. Maybe it works for a year or two, but eventually that's going to get old. Key number three, respect. If you do not respect your partner, if you not respect the life that they've chosen, then that means that you haven't accepted them. That means you've chosen a partner that you do not accept. And if you don't accept them, that means you judge them.

• 27:07Lewis Howes?

  It means you're judging them that they need to make a change. They need to become someone different. They need to do different things and have different beliefs and have a different way of thinking and acting and different careers and all these different things. That means that you are essentially are above your partner. You think that they need to change in order to make you happy and meet you where you're at. No, my friend, that is a lack of respect. And that is a lack of vulnerability and emotional courage that you had early in the relationship. Cause you didn't ask the questions, you didn't listen. Like we talked about in key number one, communication, you didn't listen fully and ask the courageous questions. To understand, is this a person that I respect?

• 27:52Lewis Howes?

  Is this a person that I respect their values, their vision, their lifestyle? Is this a person that I respect on their whole past? As opposed to holding on to the decisions they made in their past and the things that they're ashamed of? Can you embrace those things and accept them? Knowing that they've overcome them, knowing that they have made mistakes in the past, just like you, because you're not perfect. And you've learned to respect how they overcame their shame, their insecurities, their doubts, their fears. Maybe the mistakes they've made, maybe the flaws that they have. And if you can learn how to accept them, then you can learn how to respect them.

• 28:33Lewis Howes?

  And a lot of people don't have respect because they haven't created clear boundaries and agreements. They haven't communicated, these are my boundaries, these are my agreements, this is what I want to do moving forward. So we've got to be thinking about respect in the terms of, have I made a conscious decision on how to choose a partner that I accept? Have I had all the conversations that I need to have

• 28:59Lewis Howes?

  to feel like I accept this person and therefore I can respect them? Again, respect comes with personal agreements and boundaries. And I should share a couple of those from previous relationships that I was in. I never really created boundaries. I never really created agreements. I just kind of wanted there to be peace. I wanted there to be happiness and joy all the time. So I would give in when the person wasn't happy. And I would do things that I didn't want to do to try to keep the peace and try to make sure that there wasn't too much stress or there wasn't too much chaos. And that usually ended in more resentment from me and then a lack of respect for the person I was dating. Because I felt like I was doing things that I didn't want to do. And I'm sure they did vice versa.

• 29:42Lewis Howes?

  So it created a lack of respect and more resentment. And that resentment doesn't allow you to create long lasting love. So I lacked the courage to communicate and to give clear boundaries and create agreements. And most people are unwilling to respect themselves with clear boundaries and agreements because they're afraid to lose the relationship. They're afraid, well, what if I do this? What if I created a boundary and agreement and the person doesn't like it and they don't want to be with me? That is one of the biggest fears, the insecurity of inadequacy. And when you face yourself.

• 30:22Lewis Howes?

  Embrace the parts of you that are insecure and heal and mend those things and replace yourself with the higher version of you, the new identity that serves you and your mission at a higher level. Then you understand, if this person does not accept me for my boundaries and my agreements, then I have chosen the wrong person and this will not last long term. When you say, "I am going to choose you as my partner and be in a committed relationship", that means hopefully you've gotten to know all the parts of them, or as much as you can. And then you can say, "I accept you for who you are and I'm not going to change you." Most of the time, people are trying to change the person they're with to make themselves feel better.

• 31:05Lewis Howes?

  That is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is on you to make sure you create an environment of peace and harmony inside to have a beautiful relationship with yourself, a joyful, happy relationship with yourself. That is your responsibility and your job. It's not to make the other person happy. You add joy to your partner. You add to their happiness, but you do not make them happy by changing who you are. That will never work. Key number four, appreciation. Now, I'm a big fan of the concept of love languages. Not everyone likes this idea, but I just think it's a good practicality for getting some basics out of the way in understanding how your relationship is working.

• 31:51Lewis Howes?

  And if you figure out which one of your love languages are, five love languages, appreciation or words of affirmation, physical touch, for me, that is like a feeling of appreciation. When someone touches me, when someone's rubbing my back, or just holding my hand, or just telling me how much they appreciate me through words of affirmation, I just feel like, "Oh, the person I'm with has chosen to love me and they appreciate all the parts of me." When I don't feel appreciation, it doesn't have to be every day or something like that, but when I don't feel someone, I'm appreciated in general. It's kind of like, what's the point of being in this relationship? And the same for you. You've got to be showing appreciation in ways that the other person can receive them.

• 32:36Lewis Howes?

  And the challenge is, if some people aren't able to receive appreciation, that might be a tough way to have a long-lasting relationship also. But if you can understand the love language of the person you're with, maybe it's not words of affirmation or physical touch. Maybe it's quality time. Maybe it's acts of service. Maybe it's gifts. Whatever it is, ask them how they feel the most loved. When you ask them and you do those things, it's just going to bring them more joy and make them feel appreciated. If you are in a relationship with someone and you do not feel appreciated, I don't think that's going to support you in being in the relationship long-term. You're going to feel resentment, anger, and frustration,

• 33:19Lewis Howes?

  and you're going to wish that this person acknowledged you for all that you did for them in this relationship and the ways that you could receive them. So appreciation is key and making sure you communicate to the person the way you like to be appreciated. Now, I, for some reason, when I was in my wounded season, when I would attract people out of a wound and out of chemicals and out of desires versus out of values, vision, and lifestyle, I would always seem to be in a relationship where someone didn't share my love language as the top love language. And so they always liked things that I wasn't naturally good at doing or showing. And vice versa.

• 34:04Lewis Howes?

  They would do things that I wasn't really good at receiving. I liked to receive love in a different way, and I liked to show it in a different way. And so it always seemed like it was so much harder work because the things that I wasn't naturally good at, they wanted me to do. And they would request me doing it over and over again. And it felt like, man, this is just, it's not who I am. It's not the way I naturally do things in the world. Whereas when I started to heal and I finally attracted a great relationship with my fiancee Martha, we have the exact same love languages in order from top to bottom. So what that means is, I naturally show up giving to her love exactly the way she likes to receive love.

• 34:49Lewis Howes?

  So it means I don't have to change who I am naturally for her to feel loved organically on a daily basis. I just need to keep showing up my best self and vice versa. She shares her love with me and the ways that I truly enjoy to receive love. And it's just a beautiful way of saying, okay, learning and communicating about each other before you get into the relationship, just to see if you're aligned as much as possible. And I'm not saying you're not going to have a great love life and relationship if you're not perfectly aligned on those things, but you want to feel organic and in alignment in the best way possible with how you feel and give appreciation.

• 35:33Lewis Howes?

  Key number five is growth. Now, this is something that I just believe is necessary. Either you both need to be willing to grow together, or at one point or another, you'll probably grow apart. So either you both commit to saying, hey, we are individually going to be working on ourselves throughout our relationship. We're going to be growing, healing, developing, becoming a greater version of ourselves, and we're going to be working together in the relationship to grow and develop the relationship as well. If both individuals are willing to do that, you have a big chance of success for long-lasting

• 36:16Lewis Howes?

  love. I'm not saying it's 100% going to work out, but you have a greater chance of long-lasting love. Let me know in the comments if you've ever been in a relationship with someone else who didn't want to personally grow. They didn't want to develop. They didn't want to try new things. They didn't want to get coaching or have feedback. They were always right. They never wanted to, you know, learn how to improve themselves. They never wanted to go to a workshop or read a book or listen to a podcast about ways to better themselves. It is exhausting being with someone if you are into personal growth and wanting to improve, and the other person does not want to at all. It is exhausting, and it can only last so long.

• 36:58Lewis Howes?

  So either both people need to make a commitment and say, "We're good where we're at right now. We've learned everything we need to learn up to this level of our lives where we've met. We don't need to learn anything else. We don't need to improve anything else. Let's live at this level. Let's stay here. All the knowledge we've gained at this point is as much as we need. And we're both gonna stay at this level and not gonna try to improve and grow to higher levels. I think either both people need to come to agreement that that's where they're gonna be, or both people need to agree to personal growth and having a growth mindset, having an abundance mindset and being willing to say, "You know what? I'm gonna try new things." Again, it doesn't mean I need to change who I am, my personality.

• 37:44Lewis Howes?

  You're still gonna accept the person who they are, but the commitment they've made to personal growth, they will naturally evolve over time. So you either need to both commit to zero growth, or both commit to personal growth individually and together in the relationship. I just think that's so important. Not just in the relationship, but both individually and together in the relationship to allow it to thrive. If I look back, every relationship I've ever had, we were not in alignment on those, on that philosophy. The relationship I'm in now, we both individually have strategies, skill sets, support to help us develop individually separate of each other,

• 38:27Lewis Howes?

  but also we work together to grow together. We go to workshops together. We meditate together. We get coaching together. We go to therapy together. We do, we do activities to support growth in the relationship. We have conversations and go through journaling prompts. We do things to allow communication, respect, and growth to happen together. And all of these successful relationships that I've interviewed and met with, who've been together for a long time, they talk about willing to grow individually and together. So again, I encourage you to make that commitment. That doesn't mean you need to be obsessed every single day and wake up at 5:00 AM and, you know, meditate for 10 hours a day and...

• 39:09Lewis Howes?

  Go, you know, do workshops nonstop, but investing in a few things every year and say, "Hey, I'm gonna read this book and let's go through this book together. I'm gonna get a coaching session once, once in a while and, and try to improve myself." Just whatever it is for you, I just think it's important. Number six is quality time together. A lot of times people do this in the first six to 12 months. You dedicate quality time and intimacy and experiences and adventure, and then for whatever reason, you just end up going to work, coming home, watching Netflix, eating pizza and ice cream, and going to sleep, and repeating that over and over again for years. That is not going to be a life that

• 39:50Lewis Howes?

  you love. You've got to be willing to spend quality time together. It's not sitting there and just watching TV together and eating ice cream and pizza. Sure, you can do that once in a while, but if that's your life, that's not gonna be a fulfilling life that you really enjoy. And everyone's different here, but some practical things that can enhance the quality time you spend together is really setting aside time every single week and scheduling either a date night, an experience, or something where you're not on your phones, where you're not in front of a TV, where you're not just watching a YouTube video together or watching Netflix, but actually scheduling something where it's shared quality time. I think doing a digital detox is one of the greatest things you can

• 40:35Lewis Howes?

  do in a relationship. So that'd be another thing you could try. "Hey, can we go away tonight and leave our phones at home?" I don't know many people that can do that, but it is freeing. If you just say, "Hey, let's go on a walk together after dinner and leave our phones at home. Let's go out on a date and leave our phones at home." And don't worry, you're gonna figure out how to get to the location. You can write down the address, you can get there a certain way, but you can leave your phones at home for four hours. You will survive. Trust me. I'm a millennial. I grew up in a time without cell phones. We were able to survive and get around and connect with each other without having to be on our phones. I dare you to go on a digital detox date for four

• 41:19Lewis Howes?

  Hours with someone and see what happens when you both don't take your phones. No Apple Watch, no phones, no iPads, no trickery here. Just go out and spend quality time together. Go for a walk for 20 minutes without your phone and watch what unfolds in your life. It will be magic. You'll feel free and you'll feel connected more than ever. Taking the time to have meaningful conversations. You know, Martha and I do, you know, she's incredible because she wants to grow constantly. So we will read a book together and we'll do a chapter at a time. It doesn't have to take all day, but we'll read a chapter for 30 minutes with different exercises or questions that we can ask each other about relationships. And this is meaningful conversations.

• 42:04Lewis Howes?

  It allows us to ask things courageously without having to do them without some prompt or exercise. This is a safer way to have tougher conversations and talk about things that maybe still are uncomfortable for us. So have those meaningful conversations, those deeper conversations. Mindful activities. You know, man, there are so many activities that are fun, that are, you know, harmless, but they may not be mindful. So sure, have those date nights, those activities, those experiences. Have fun, but also take time in the relationship every single year to do something mindful. Last year Martha and I went on a seven day retreat together.

• 42:46Lewis Howes?

  Meditation retreat with Dr. Joe Dispenza, who we've had on this show many times. It was incredible. We didn't have our phones on us. We were meditating all day and learning about our minds and the power of our minds and connecting to our nervous system and our body and creating an abundant life. When you create that shared experience together with mindful activities, it just bonds you in a beautiful way and creates more harmony, more connection, more vulnerability and intimacy. And again, it sets you up for lasting love. It's so key. So again, mindful activities is one of the keys to creating quality time together. And number seven key, adaptability.

• 43:30Lewis Howes?

  Now, adaptability, flexibility. You know, some people say, you know, the key to a great relationship is compromise. Compromise. But for whatever reason, I just don't like that word. I think there's a better way of saying it. And I think that's being flexible, being adaptable. And again, you can't be the only one in the relationship. When both people are willing to have this mentality, then when things have to constantly change, or they don't go as planned, or you need to change your plans, you're both able to come in this place and say, okay, it's okay. We're both adaptable. We can both handle this. Challenging moments, tough moments, stressful moments, you're both adaptable. You're not both rigid and saying, ah, I'm freaking out. And I just think that's key. It's not about compromising.

• 44:15Lewis Howes?

  It's not about sacrificing necessarily. Although there will be sacrifices. But I really look at sacrifices as decisions and choices that you are willing to make to create a healthy, thriving relationship. And when you make a commitment with decisions and choices that you want to be in this, you're saying you know what this means. You know the responsibility that this means to be in a committed intimate relationship. And with that, means you've got to be flexible. You've got to be adaptable. Now, if there's any parents watching right now, you probably know the definition of adaptability more than anyone. I'm not a parent yet, but I can understand that when you have kids, you think you have plans,

• 45:00Lewis Howes?

  but your plans are going to change all the time. You think you're going to be somewhere at a certain time, but if your kid gets sick or is throwing, you know, a fit or has to go to the bathroom and it takes longer, you have to be flexible and adaptable. You have to get out of yourself and be willing to adapt to whatever situation is happening. The same thing in a relationship. If you're single, you live your life on your terms. But you're in a relationship, you've committed to wanting to be there for another. So if your partner or the person you're with is struggling or having a hard time, you can't just neglect that person. If they're sick, you can't just neglect them. You've got to treat them, you've got to take care of them, you've got to be there for them

• 45:43Lewis Howes?

  as you would want them to be there for you. That's what intimacy, that's what love, and that's what a relationship is. It's the ability to adapt and be there for one another. Seven Keys to Lasting Love. I want to leave you with this quote by Dr. Joe Dispenza, since I did mention him, and I loved the episode on love and attracting love in your life. It's got over 10 million views on our YouTube channel. So if you haven't seen this video with Dr. Joe Dispenza on love, I highly recommend watching it. But here's the quote by Dr. Joe Dispenza. He said, "Falling in love with life is falling in love with yourself. And falling in love with yourself is falling in love with life."

• 46:27Lewis Howes?

  Remember, you are love. You are already loved. Love is abundant in your life, and you being born means you are love. The reason you're here is to experience and express love in the highest forms. We have to remember one thing, though. And I think a lot of us have lost the memory that we are love, that we are valuable, that we are enough. And we have to turn around or look yourself in the mirror and remind yourself that you were created to be here to experience love at the highest levels.

• 47:12Lewis Howes?

  And even though you maybe have never experienced it yet, and maybe though you've been told that you were nothing, that you weren't going to amount to anything, that you don't matter, where people have neglected you, abandoned you in certain ways in your life, and you don't feel loved. I'm telling you, you are loved. I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. But it's not gonna happen overnight of you knowing this unless you're willing to do the work. Unless you're willing to really face the parts of you that you don't like to look at. The things that you've never told anyone, the things that you're the most ashamed of.

• 47:54Lewis Howes?

  Unless you're willing to turn around and face those parts of yourself. And embrace them. And forgive yourself and forgive others who have harmed you or hurt you. And really create an integrated, healing, whole self internally. If your body does not feel safe emotionally or physically in certain situations, it means you've got work to do. If you haven't been able to connect with or find the right person in your life right now, it means you've got work to do. If you don't feel like you're enough, or you're valuable, or you'll never be enough to be in a great relationship, you've got work to do. And I'm telling you, it's an exciting time.

• 48:38Lewis Howes?

  It's an exciting time because the years that I did the deepest work, the years that were painful to face myself were some of the greatest years. Because you know why? They set me free. They allowed the pain in my heart to finally go away. It set me free. It opened me up to attract someone in my life who has given me so much more love and peace than I've ever experienced before. That's where the work begins. Again, if you feel like you're in this situation in your life, leave a comment below that you're excited to do the work, you're excited to find love,

• 49:17Lewis Howes?

  and you're excited to be the love of your life first, before you attract the love of your life next. Again, I'm so excited. I hope this was a powerful conversation for you. I hope you enjoyed these seven keys. If you did, we've got some other episodes that I think you'll really enjoy in the description. Please share this with one friend that you're thinking about right now that you think could really be inspired by this episode. Make sure to click the subscribe button if you're here on YouTube. Follow us on Apple or Spotify Podcasts. Click the follow and listen as well. And again, I want to remind you. That you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And you know what time it is?

• 50:00Lewis Howes?

  It's time to go out there and do something great. I hope today's episode inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a rundown of today's show with all the important links. And if you want weekly exclusive bonus episodes with me as well as ad free listening experience, make sure to subscribe to our Greatness Plus channel on Apple Podcast. If you enjoyed this, please share it with a friend over on social media or text a friend. Leave us a review over on Apple Podcasts and let me know what you learned over on our social media channels at Lewis Howes. I really love hearing the feedback from you and it helps us continue to make the show better. And if you want more inspiration from our world-class guests and content to learn how to improve the quality of your life,

• 50:44Lewis Howes?

  then make sure to sign up for the Greatness Newsletter and get it delivered right to your inbox over at greatness.com/newsletter. And if no one has told you today, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.