684 Love Yourself First with Tracy McMillan

“THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP YOU CAN HAVE IS WITH YOURSELF." Sometimes, we repeatedly attract the same kind of person into our life who does more harm than good. When we see this type of harmful pattern, we have to ask ourselves, “What is it about about me that is attracting someone like that?” You can continue to blame others for your relationship woes, or you can start to look within yourself. On this episode of Five Minute Friday, I wanted to revisit a conversation I had with Tracy McMillan where she explains the importance of loving yourself. Tracy has a fascinating history and background, including 16 years in a TV newsroom, writing the 4th most viewed article on Huffington Post, and being a dating coach on a TV Show. But beyond that, Tracy came from a really tough background and has used her life experiences as the base for all of her perspectives and wisdom. No matter what your relationships look like right now, I’m excited for you to hear Tracy’s wisdom on Episode 684. In This Episode You Will Learn: How loving yourself can change your life (1:10) The thing men need more of (2:34) What’s Tracy thinks is wrong with the show The Bachelor (3:50) Why you’re attracted to the wrong person (4:07) Tracy’s definition of love (4:50) Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

• 0:00Speaker 00

  This is Five Minute Friday.

• 0:10Speaker 00

  Our guest is Tracy McMillan. She is a relationship expert, author, television writer, and matchmaker on NBC's Ready for Love. She is known for the 2011 viral blog post, "Why You're Not Married", which for two years was the most viewed article on Huffington Post and is the fourth most-read post of all time. She also won the 2010 Writers Guild of America Awards for the dramatic series For Mad Men. And she's a TEDx speaker as well.

• 0:44Speaker 01

  That was like the beginning of my, "Okay, I'm gonna take care of me." And I wrote this script that I didn't know anything was gonna happen with it, and it got me an agent. I started writing television. I sold a book. Like, all these things started to happen in my life. After I came to that place, after that third husband cheated and then left, I was like, "Tracy, I love you." Doesn't matter if he left, doesn't matter if he's dating a 20-year-old, doesn't matter, you are worthy. So as I practiced that, one day at a time, practice, practice, practice, I took all these actions in line with somebody who feels like she's worthy. I finished the thing. I sat down and wrote every day. I did these things.

• 1:29Speaker 01

  And things started to happen. And I remember I was on United States of Tara. I was a television writer. I'd been writing TV for probably, I guess like two and a half years. And this house comes back on the market. And I bought that house by myself with my own money. And there's not a day that goes by that I don't sit in my house and go, "I love my house." Like, I take out the garbage and I'll be like, I'll see that my house is all lit up, and I'm like, "I love my house." Like sometimes I just wanna go back in the house, get some more garbage and take it out so I can go, "Oh, my house." Because that's what it feels like when you take care of yourself,

• 2:12Speaker 01

  when you are loving yourself, it feels super good. And when you start to make relationships from that place, they are entirely different relationships. So if I could say anything to American women, it's really about knowing the most important relationship you're having is with yourself and that anything you want, a man, or a job, or an outfit to do for you, you really can do.

• 2:37Speaker 02

  So what do you think is something that all men should have more of?

• 2:42Speaker 01

  Self-love.

• 2:43Speaker 02

  So her self-worth or self-love?

• 2:45Speaker 01

  I think it's the same thing.

• 2:46Speaker 02

  Same thing.

• 2:46Speaker 01

  Men need the same thing. Because, you know, it's not like, I had a friend once who felt like, "Women are gold diggers and they all just want..." Da-da-da. Well, if you're a man with self-worth, that gold digger woman is not attractive to you.

• 3:04Speaker 02

  No, you're not even looking at her.

• 3:05Speaker 01

  You're not even looking at her. But the truth was is that he was into big boobs.

• 3:09Speaker 02

  Right.

• 3:10Speaker 01

  And like the gold digger girls are not some. They're like, "I wanna go buy some big boobs." Because, you know what I mean?

• 3:17Speaker 02

  I'm gonna try those.

• 3:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, because the gold digger girl is a match for the big boob loving man. It's like if a man treats a woman like an object, he's gonna find a woman who's gonna treat him like an object.

• 3:30Speaker 02

  And treats herself like an object.

• 3:31Speaker 01

  And treats herself like an object.

• 3:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 3:33Speaker 01

  And treats him like an object, because men can be objectified.

• 3:35Speaker 02

  To get what I want, to get what I want.

• 3:37Speaker 01

  Exactly. And like when a woman is just like, this is what you see a lot on The Bachelor. Like you see a lot of like, objectification. The girls objectify themselves and then they objectify the man and they're like, "I'm gonna get that thing." There's no friendship, there's no loving. It's about, it's acquisition.

• 3:55Speaker 02

  There's no abundance.

• 3:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, it's about acquisition. So men have to really come from a place of self-love as well or they are going to open, it's like when people are like, "Men love bitches." I'm like, "No, that's like saying women love bad boys." Yes, women with low self-esteem love bad boys. Men with low self-esteem love bitches. But if you love yourself...

• 4:19Speaker 02

  You're not gonna put up with that.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:22Speaker 01

  You're just like, "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not a match for that." And frankly, people know what they're looking for. We're mammals. That's what I'm always saying. We're mammals. So people know on a very unconscious, animal level, what you're about in that quick. Yes. They just sit across from you and they're like, "Okay, this person I can do my game on. That person I cannot." You know what I mean? Subconsciously. Yeah. We are supercomputers. Interesting. What's your definition of love? Well, I have so many. Love to me, like, the biggest definition is it's it's like that pervasive force that is everywhere.

• 5:05Speaker 01

  And that when you tune into it, you're in it. And it's not, it can be extrapolated in any direction. It could be in your work. It could be walking down the street. It could be in a love relationship, like a sexual relationship. It could be between parent and child. So there's just like this thing that is there. And it's always there. It's everywhere. And you can tune into it, or not. So when you tune into that, you're in love.