569 My Journey of Reclaiming Masculinity

"I DIDN’T HAVE THE COURAGE TO EXPRESS WHAT I WANTED - WHAT I NEEDED.” Lately I’ve been traveling around doing a book tour for The Mask of Masculinity. I always like to do a Q&A with my audiences to learn more about them and help answer any questions that may not be in the book. I recently recorded my talk in Los Angeles with an amazing group. They really dug deep and asked a lot of great questions, including a lot about my past. My book can only fit so much information and was written to help others more than be a biography. So I wanted to share with you this special talk. I really open up and practice what I preach. I talk about my father and open up about how he affected my life. I also share how I’m still learning, how I keep myself on track to keep my aggression in check, and much more, on Episode 569. Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 569.

• 0:05Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:30Lewis Howes?

  Welcome everyone to this episode. I wanted to share with you a talk from my LA book launch party because I haven't shared the full story behind my latest book yet on the podcast, The Mask of Masculinity. In the book tour, I got to share so many different stories that weren't actually in the book and some other intimate, personal things. And during the LA book stop, we had a great audience out and some people really asked me some powerful questions. And man, we went in there. A lot of people asked me about my dad because I really didn't talk about my father much in this book and what his experience has played a role in my life and how that's really affected me.

• 1:15Lewis Howes?

  So I dive in and talk about the full story about my relationship with him and how he's really impacted me and everything else that actually happened and went down about 12 years ago that I don't really talk about that much. We did a lot of other things in the Q and A and I gave a full speech about the importance of this and why this is so timely and how so many people have been thanking me, men, women, gender fluid alike, how so many people have been thanking me for how timely this topic is. Again, with everything that is happening in the media right now, it's time we have more of these conversations and talk about what is masculinity? How do we define it? What does it mean to be not even a man, but just a human being?

• 1:58Lewis Howes?

  And how can we all learn to communicate? With healthier forms of expression, release a lot of the frustrations from our pasts, let go of things, feel freedom, so we can actually live our fullest lives. And what does that look like for all human beings? And what are some of the pressures and stresses that men have faced over time that have been conditioning them to act out in certain ways? And causing a lot of the stress and anxiety and problems that the men are facing in the world right now? So I'm excited for you guys to hear this. Again, a lot of people are asking me to come to their city and do a book signing. And we only did a smaller book tour this time around, just because we have so much

• 2:43Lewis Howes?

  going on in our business right now that's happening. But for those that couldn't come out and watch one of the speeches and do one of the Q and As and do a book signing, I wanted to give you a behind the scenes so you could hear what it was like. So this was a live book, speech, Q and A, and you get to get to hear all of it if you couldn't make it out. But I hope you guys enjoy this and I'm excited about it because this is the meat. This is the stuff that I love to talk about. This is the intimate behind the scenes look. So let me know what you guys think. It's LewisHowes.com/569. Go ahead and share it out on Instagram, Twitter and social media. As always, thank you guys so much for all your support, spreading the message of greatness.

• 3:25Lewis Howes?

  You've got greatness within you and you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.

• 3:39Lewis Howes?

  What's up everybody? What's up? Welcome, welcome, welcome.

• 3:45Lewis Howes?

  Thank you guys for being here. Welcome, welcome. Yeah.

• 3:50Lewis Howes?

  Thank you guys. Thank you, thank you. The non-flakes made it out. The non-flakes. Thank you guys for being here. Very excited. Three people got that.

• 4:04Lewis Howes?

  I appreciate you guys for being here. Thanks for taking time to come out and connect. I've been doing this for the last 14 days, traveling around the country. And I feel very grateful because every place I've gone to, it's just such incredible people. So I feel like the community that we're creating is just positive thinkers, people that want to grow, people that believe in healthy relationships. And also the best-looking people in the world come out to these events.

• 4:33Lewis Howes?

  So many single people come out and they're like, always dating each other after they leave. So it's pretty cool.

• 4:40Lewis Howes?

  So, four years ago, I went on a journey, a journey of self-discovery, to realize that I was pretty much not living up to my best life and best example of what it means to be a man. And was very triggered emotionally in certain situations. I was a very loving, giving, happy, affectionate person my entire life. But those moments that would trigger me, the Incredible Hulk came out. Anyone can relate to that? Yeah, it's like always giving, but then if someone looked at me the wrong way and I felt attacked, it was like I had to defend myself at all costs. And those costs were very high sometimes. I paid a high price for my reactions

• 5:25Lewis Howes?

  and my inability to express myself in healthier forms of communication. But my entire life, I thought I wasn't able to express myself in those forms of healthier communication because it wasn't cool. It wasn't acceptable with my peers, with classmates, with teammates. And that's hard, when you just want to fit in as a human being. When you just want to be accepted and you want to fit in and you want people to like you, growing up, we've become conditioned. At least I did. I became conditioned to do things, to say things, to wear different masks to fit in. And to feel like, okay, you'll accept me, you'll be my friend if I continue to live up to this standard. And in a lot of ways, it worked. It worked for me.

• 6:10Lewis Howes?

  I achieved great... Results in my life as an athlete through wearing masks. I achieved great results in business. I achieved great results in relationships. You know, I had the hot girlfriends. I made a lot of money. I was a, you know, achieved things in sports. All the things that I thought was desirable, that would make me happy, that would make me feel fulfilled as a kid growing up. I was doing those things, at least on the outside world. And it looked like I had figured some things out. And people would always comment to me like, wow, you're doing great things. Like, everything seems to be working for you. And on the outside, it might have looked that way. But on the inside, I was constantly suffering.

• 6:52Lewis Howes?

  Suffering and never felt a sense of peace in my heart. I always felt like this weight of the world was just like compressing my chest. And this tension, it was like a prison for my heart, is what I constantly felt like. Does anyone ever felt like the weight of the world on your shoulders or your chest? She like raised her hand before I even finished, she was like, yes. For me, it was just, it didn't matter what I achieved, the results I got, the hotter the girlfriend, whatever it was, none of it mattered. Whatever I was trying to chase. Because it still left me feeling unhappy and unsatisfied and unfulfilled. And I just didn't understand. I was like, why? Why?

• 7:35Lewis Howes?

  I figured this was just the way things are. You know, I'm gonna go through life and just keep striving for more, chasing other things. Until kind of like the trifecta of the perfect storm happened for me. And just to show of hands, who here has never heard one of my podcasts on the School of Greatness? Just show of hands if you've never heard. Okay, there's a few people, cool. So some friends dragged you out, it sounds like. Perfect. It's like, you gotta come see this guy. Okay. For me, four years ago, I got into, uh, the trifecta happened. I was in this, this relationship that for me was very emotionally toxic.

• 8:16Lewis Howes?

  I wasn't able to, I didn't have the courage to express what I really felt in this relationship. And so I was constantly trying to please and do things that I didn't feel comfortable with to try to make the other person happy. And it made me feeling very insecure and it was just up and down. It was up and down a lot. And to the point where, again, I just didn't have the courage to express what I wanted, what I needed, anything like that. So I stayed in it really long. And I constantly just felt like a sense of suffering and loneliness in a relationship. How many people have ever felt really lonely in an intimate relationship? Yeah. For me, I was just like, man, this person doesn't get me. I feel alone. I feel like we're not connecting, but I was trying to just do whatever I could to please this, this person.

• 9:01Lewis Howes?

  And since I didn't have the courage to express myself in the relationship of what I needed, what I wanted, what I desired, I expressed myself in the world how I felt. So I was very angry, upset, and disconnected in the relationship. I was raised to never touch a woman or scream at a woman or any of those things. But men, it was okay. I could take my aggression and my anger out on other men and that's okay, because that's what we do, right? So I started to, literally every single day, look for a fight. I mean, I was constantly trying to express my anger and frustration in the world.

• 9:43Lewis Howes?

  So anytime someone tweeted me anything critical, it was like, "I'm going to kill you," essentially in my tweets back. Anytime, anytime walking down the street, someone bumped into me, it was like, "What are you doing?", right? I remember it got so bad, I mean, it got so bad that one time I was driving my car in, off Melrose, near Doheny, right by Verve Coffee Shop. And I drove the car and I'm like cutting the corner to turn right and there happened to be like a runner coming through the street. And the light had just turned red for me, so I turned right on red. It was green, turned red. And I kind of cheated it and kind of like kept going, even though you're supposed to

• 10:27Lewis Howes?

  stop fully. And the guy's running through and he sees it's green for him and I'm cutting the corner. And so he kind of has to stop because I'm going in front of him. And he punches my car, punches my car. And this is like a prized possession, 1991 Cadillac from a mentor of mine. So I was like, he touched my car, it's like, it's an attack on my life as to what I was feeling. I literally am driving like a maniac to chase down this runner. I stopped the car, start sprinting after him. And I'm like, why am I so reactive? All this continues to happen.

• 11:11Lewis Howes?

  I, I start playing a lot of pickup basketball, my good friend Matt over here, every day just to get my aggression out. I'm like, okay, I can't communicate, I don't have the courage in this relationship to talk about what I really feel. So let's go play basketball and like, so let's just get this out. And every time we'd play, some 14-year-old kid would step to me and it was like I had to defend myself, right? So I'm like a little shrimp that's, you know, it's just whatever, the zero threat to me, would say something, would talk trash, whatever it is. And it was like I had to show that I was the most dominant person on the court at all times. I had to defend myself, I had to put them in their place because that's how I could

• 11:54Lewis Howes?

  express myself in a more comfortable format for me because I didn't have the courage to just share my feelings or have a conversation and be vulnerable. I didn't have that courage or that capacity at the time. So I got in a really bad fight on a basketball court one day where Matt luckily was there and pulled me off of this guy that we got in a fight with. And I remember at the end of the fight, he stood up because he got to the ground. He stood up and there's like a huge gash on his forehead with just blood gushing out, spraying all over the court. And the police station is literally across the street. And Matt's like, you just need to get out of here because I'm so riled up.

• 12:35Lewis Howes?

  I'm like the Incredible Hulk screaming at this guy still. He hit me first, so I said it was okay that I hit him back, right guys? It's okay if someone hits us first. And I'm screaming, I'm so charged emotionally, I'm just like so much adrenaline. And then he's like, you should probably leave before something else happens. So I run back like a coward to my place, shaking, trembling, because I'm like, what did I just, what just happened? I'm looking myself in the mirror. I'm like, who are you? Who are you? I just keep saying this over and over again as I'm washing off the blood of my knuckles. And I keep thinking to myself like, why am I so upset and angry in

• 13:15Lewis Howes?

  these moments? When I'm always giving, loving, you know, affectionate, a lot of my friends in here will tell you like, I'm always pretty loving and giving and affectionate and happy. But why in these moments am I not able to express myself in healthier forms? I just didn't know the answer. Then, I'm in the middle of Times Square with a business partner at the time, former business partner of mine. And we almost get in a fistfight in the middle of Times Square after six months of passive aggressive energy where neither of us could communicate with each other. It gets so heated one time in the middle of Times Square where I'm about to like torpedo punch him in the face off some stairs in the middle of thousands of tourists.

• 13:58Lewis Howes?

  Luckily, one of our mutual friends was there and he kind of like feels so awkward. He's just like, I don't know what to do here, but you guys should probably not talk anymore. All these things were happening where I said, okay, finally, I'm going to start to look within. And I wasn't willing to look within before that because my results were so big. On the outside world, I was like, why should I look within when I'm achieving things? And people would give me feedback and I'm like, screw you, you're not doing what I'm doing. Right? So my results were big. No one else that was giving me feedback was doing certain things that I was. So I would just be like, I'm good. Like, I don't need your feedback. It's very defensive.

• 14:41Lewis Howes?

  Then, you know, my good friend Matt, people like Caducee and other people, really started to stand for me and say, listen, we think you should, you know, look within a little bit and start checking this out and seeing where it's coming from. So through hiring therapists, hiring coaches, going to emotional intelligence workshops, trying everything, I started to open up. I started to open up about my past, the things that I'd been through that I'd never told anyone. So for those that don't know my story, who were dragged out by your friends, I was sexually abused when I was a kid, when I was five years old, by a man that I didn't know. My brother went to prison for four and a half years when I was eight to 12.

• 15:23Lewis Howes?

  So during that time, the neighborhood parents weren't allowing their kids to hang out with me because they thought I was a bad kid as well. My parents, probably like most of you in here, were going through challenges, were arguing a lot, they eventually got divorced. And I was in the special needs classes all through my life. There was not one year that I remember being in a normal class without having a tutor next to me, without being in a special needs class as well. Plus, I was 6'4" when I was like nine years old, so I just looked like a freak. Like, Dumbo ears, you know, acne face, just like awkward, right? I was just like this awkward, skinny dude.

• 16:08Lewis Howes?

  That was very insecure. And so when I finally started to open up about these things and talk about them, it was the most terrifying thing I'd ever done. Literally more terrifying than saying hi to a girl that I liked when I was 10 years old. Or anything else, playing in like championship games in front of thousands of people. It was the most terrifying thing for me to actually say the things that I never wanted anyone to know about me. It was terrifying.

• 16:37Lewis Howes?

  But after I started to do it, it was like complete freedom. That weight that I've been carrying on my chest and my shoulders my entire life, I was no longer carrying. It took some time for it to finally kind of go away, but after practicing and just talking about it more and more, the instances in my life didn't own me anymore. I was in ownership of them. And I just felt a sense of pure bliss and freedom. Now, in no way do I feel like I've figured it all out over the last four years, because I still get charged, I still get frustrated and angry and defensive.

• 17:18Lewis Howes?

  But I feel like I have a handle on it because I'm able to practice being more intentional in my responses and in responding with more love and compassion as opposed to reacting from anger or fear, defensiveness. And I practice every morning. I say to myself, "Okay, people are going to criticize me today. Maybe my girlfriend will say something that I don't appreciate. Maybe my family member will say something that I don't like. Maybe someone leaves a negative review on Amazon and doesn't actually put their real name on there because they're a coward." Whatever. Maybe someone cuts me off on the road. Maybe someone bumps into me. Someone looks at me weird. Someone says something.

• 18:00Lewis Howes?

  So I prime myself and I think about, "Okay, what are all the things that could happen today?" And I start to visualize all these things. I say, "If someone cuts me off, if someone leaves me a negative review, if someone says something to me I don't appreciate, do I want to respond from a place of anger and fear and frustration? Or do I want to respond from a place of love and compassion or not respond at all?" And what I've realized is that I focus on two things now. These two things are, are my responses supporting my inner peace and my freedom? And are they getting me closer to my vision? Or are they hurting those two things?

• 18:43Lewis Howes?

  So are they supporting my vision and the way I respond? And supporting my inner peace? Or are they hurting both of those things? Because anything other than those two things really doesn't matter. It's gonna continue to hold me back if I react from a place of anger, frustration, fear, defensiveness. And it's gonna keep me from my potential greatness if I focus on these negative things. And those things will make me tighter, will make me more stressed, anxious, fearful. And there's no way to achieve our greatest potential unless we're in flow. It's science. There's no way we can achieve greatest results unless we're in flow.

• 19:26Lewis Howes?

  The greatest dancers in the world understand this. If they're constantly thinking and analyzing themselves, or worried about what people are thinking about them, they're not gonna be able to gracefully perform in ways that they could imagine. Athletes, actors, musicians, writers, it's all about getting in the flow. But if we're stressed and anxious and focused on negative things, then it's not gonna, it's not gonna happen. So for me, it's been a very fun journey over the last four years to realize how flawed I am and how much it's gonna be a continual practice for the rest of my life to be aware

• 20:07Lewis Howes?

  when the masks come on and try to quickly remove them and just try to get rid of them as fast as possible. And so it's been a practice in the mornings to say, okay, when these things happen, am I going to respond from a place of love or anger and hatred? And I'm not perfect. Every day, I still get triggered sometimes, and sometimes I fall backwards and I don't perform the way I'd like to. And other times, I'll give myself a score at the end of every night of how I performed on a scale of one to 10. How did I show up? Did I get angry throughout the whole day? Okay, I'm like a three. Did I respond in place of love when I felt attacked from everyone? Then I'm like, wow, I'm really proud of myself. I give myself a nine or a 10.

• 20:53Lewis Howes?

  And so I've just tried to figure out ways that work for me. Based on my triggers, the things that hold me back. And the things that keep me from my vision and my inner peace. And I focus on those two things. Vision and inner peace. Because I believe. Men and all human beings are scary. When we have no vision and no inner peace. We become wanderers constantly, like trying to figure it out. What am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? And if we're always stressed out and anxious. We're more inclined to do things that don't support humanity. So it's been a fun last couple of weeks. I've been on the road. We were in New York City. Did a lot of press. Did a book tour there. Then in Chicago a few nights ago, and now I'm here.

• 21:38Lewis Howes?

  We go to San Diego on Friday. And then Charlotte in about a week or two. And. What's opened up for me the most is the people who have started reading this or have completed this book. It's funny, last time I had a book come out, I was so concerned with like the results. The numbers, the results hitting like the New York Times list, like. Looking good essentially. Right? And I hit these results that I wanted and I still wasn't happy. And I was like, why am I not fulfilled still? Why am I not getting what I want inside? And this time around, it's just been, I feel just so much more relaxed.

• 22:19Lewis Howes?

  Because yes, it'd be great to hit the New York Times list and it'd be great to hurt these, hit these certain numbers. And get these results. But what I've been so grateful for is. The conversations that we are having as a community. Based on what's happening in society and the media right now. So if we analyze what's happened just this year alone in. Let's say the last six or seven months. Mostly in America, besides the hurricanes and natural disasters, what are we seeing in the media? For me, I think about Charlottesville and the racial marches of men who are angry trying

• 23:00Lewis Howes?

  to protect themselves, wearing masks, that don't know how to communicate and express themselves from a loving conversation. So they lead with fear and anger. Then I see, what was it, a few weeks ago, the Vegas shooting. A man that doesn't know how to express himself in healthier forms and says, "Well, I've been holding it inside my entire life. I've just been bottling up and I don't know how to talk about it. I don't know how to connect about it. I don't know how to do anything, so let me just unleash and then shoot myself." We've got, I was just in New York City a few days ago when someone ran through the city a mile away. I was doing a, literally a Facebook Live when we hear sirens going off, one after another.

• 23:44Lewis Howes?

  Because someone, a man, ran through the streets with a truck, bus, whatever it was, and ran down a bunch of people. Every single year, we hear about people, men in the NFL or some sports team, sports league, with domestic violence, hitting their girlfriends, their wives, whatever it may be. This is related to a lot of people in this room. Some of you might have already have experienced this since we're in Hollywood, but what, three weeks ago, we saw the, all the sexual abuse, sexual harassment coming out from all the people in Hollywood, all the men, wearing the sexual mask. A lot of these things have been happening in the last six months that I don't hear

• 24:28Lewis Howes?

  women in the, in the media doing these things. I don't hear about women who are doing, I'm sure it's happening, but we're not hearing about it at the level that we're hearing about it with men. So for me, this is a very important message because I believe more men should be looking within to see how we can continue to heal the stuff that we've been through and express ourselves in healthier forms than what we see in the media. From hitting people, from taking advantage of people sexually, from marching in streets with torches, whatever that men are doing right now, it's coming from a place of fear and anger and trying to protect themselves. As opposed to just saying, "Here's how I feel. Let me communicate in a healthier form," and trying to listen and be more compassionate and loving.

• 25:14Lewis Howes?

  So for me, I'm very excited about us having these conversations together and talking more about how we can open up and how men can continue to heal, how men can continue to grow and evolve. So that the stigma that we've had as men, I'm speaking from my point of view. The way I grew up in the Midwest and a lot of the friends that I know, they would never talk about this stuff growing up. They'd get made fun of, they'd get picked on, they'd get punched in the face. Something would happen if you said anything sensitive or vulnerable, especially in my sports teams. So I'm speaking from my experience and I know not all men have had this experience.

• 25:56Lewis Howes?

  But when the media is highlighting all these things from what men are doing, it's 45% of men, almost 50% of men, say that they don't have one guy friend that they can share their vulnerabilities or insecurities with, their fears, their struggles. Almost 50% of men say they don't have one man in their life that they can just open up and talk to about. Whereas ladies in this room, how many of you get together every day and talk about your fears and insecurities, right? Like you're on the phone with your girlfriends, you guys are joining for lunch and you're like, oh, this is what I'm going through in this relationship, this is what I feel about my body image, this is like... You're constantly talking, right? You're sharing, you're expressing.

• 26:39Lewis Howes?

  And then usually afterwards, you feel a lot better, don't you? Yeah. You're like, man, thank you for listening to me. Like, I'm glad I was able to get that out, right? As opposed to not sharing and then bottling up and manifesting through what happens with men, suicide. Men commit, I think it's six times more the suicide rate for men than it is for women. Men die younger than women. There are more criminal men than there are criminal women. And I believe a lot of this manifests from us not being able to, or being conditioned, some of these men being conditioned to not be able to express themselves in healthier forms because it's not acceptable for them, it's not cool, they don't fit in with their peers, they're made fun of, whatever it may be, the conditioning of years over years

• 27:23Lewis Howes?

  that's held myself back and other men like me who experience similar things.

• 27:30Lewis Howes?

  So I'm very proud of the conversations that we're having as a community. And the people that have been coming out and the people who have been messaging me online just thanking me for, you know, talking about this. Because I think it starts with each one of us to continue to grow and learn and develop how we can serve humanity in better ways than we're doing right now. I feel like the world is suffering a lot with all the things that are happening, all the bombings, all the attacks, all the sexual abuse. And it starts with each one of us to continue to dive in. And so I take, I hold myself accountable and responsible for a lot of this suffering in the world. Because every action I take creates a reaction to other people as well.

• 28:11Lewis Howes?

  Everything I say, do affects the people who hear it or see it. So I think all of us get to continue to improve and look from within. And I know I've just started scratching the surface, like I haven't even begun to evolve to the level that I would like to. Because just like last week, no week and a half ago, as I was, right before I went on my book tour, I was in the airport and I forgot my wallet, I forgot my ID. Right when I got to the airport, I realized. And knowing me, people that know me, I get there like 15 minutes before the plane leaves. Yeah. Because I've got TSA Pre-Check, I've got like, it's all figured out, I just got a carry-on, I just go right through the lane and I'm in.

• 28:52Lewis Howes?

  And I get there and I'm like, shit, I don't have my wallet and all my ID, so I start freaking out, rushing through the TSA area and I'm like, I don't have my ID, can you get me on the plane? What do I need to do? Like, what's I gonna take? They're like, you need to go over to that line and talk to this person. So I'm sprinting over there, literally it's like 15 minutes until the plane leaves. So I'm sprinting over there, or until they shut the door. Sprinting over to the next line, there just happened to be 100 people in this line, so I'm like, I can't wait. So I have to like maneuver my way to the front, ask people to move out of the way, enroll them in like figuring this out. I'm talking to someone at the desk and they're like, sorry, you have to go back to the line. I'm like, listen, I don't have my ID, my plane leaves, I'm trying to explain myself, right? They take five minutes to get someone else.

• 29:37Lewis Howes?

  I tell them my story, they're like, okay, we need like, do you have any identification? And I literally, I literally pull out my book cover and I say, here's my book.

• 29:48Lewis Howes?

  And I'm like, here's my website, like, social media, here it is. They're like, no, we need like a piece of mail or something else. I'm like, I don't have anything.

• 29:57Lewis Howes?

  So...

• 30:00Lewis Howes?

  They're like, okay, we need to call this other person. They bring someone else over. I'm like, guys, like, can we do this for urgency? Like, life is now, let's go, people.

• 30:10Lewis Howes?

  But they're taking their good old time, you know? And... So finally I get someone who's like, okay, we have to do a phone call. There's a form you have to fill out. We have to go through a bunch of questions to verify this is you. I go, cool, let's do it. Like, call them now, let's go. They're like, let's walk out here. They're just taking their time. So we finally make it happen. Do the phone call. I'm going through these questions, like, birthdate, mother's maiden name, like, car you had 20 years ago, all these crazy things that they have. Then finally they verify it. Now I've got like five minutes. And I would go back and I'd go, okay, can we go and like figure this out? They have to literally strip me down pretty much naked. And take out every item in my bag. Swab each item because of this process.

• 30:53Lewis Howes?

  So now I'm like, pretty much naked, like, in a little room in the back. They're like going through the instructions. So I'm gonna put my hands back like this. I'm gonna pat you down, like, here, here, like, I'm like, just pat me down, let's go.

• 31:08Lewis Howes?

  I'm like, whatever, I'll do whatever you want.

• 31:13Lewis Howes?

  They're taking out all the items, they're just taking their good old time. And I'm like, is there any way we can hurry this up? Because the gate says it's closing in two minutes. I'm looking on my phone, it's saying it's closing in two minutes. They're like, the gate is right here, it's the first gate, you're gonna make it.

• 31:30Lewis Howes?

  She was not convincing me, though. I was like, I just believe that it's not gonna happen. I never missed a flight. I've never been late for a flight. I've always snuck in right before the door shut. I'm notorious for that. But something inside of me was like, I don't know, you're just taking too long. And I'm still naked, so I gotta put my clothes on and like run there. So they finally finish up. I'm sprinting with like stuff hanging out of my bag, holding my shoes, running through the airport. Right as I get to the gate, the door shuts. And they say, sorry, once the door's closed, it's closed. I was like, there's gotta be a way you could open the door. There's always a way, right?

• 32:13Lewis Howes?

  Say, "No, once closed is closed." I'm like, "But the plane is literally right here." "People are walking on there still." "It hasn't even left, but the thing is attached to it." "And the customer support lady is like, 'I'm sorry, but it's closed and there's nothing we can do.'" "And I'm literally, like, I start, the Incredible Hulk in me starts wanting to come out." "I look at the trash can right there. I think about punting it through the window." "There's like a pillar and a wall of drywall, and I'm just like, I want to take my fist and smash it all the way through and rip down the airport." "Like, this is where my mind starts to go, the conditioning that I have, right?" "And I want to scream at this person."

• 32:57Lewis Howes?

  "I'm thinking all these things." "And essentially make this big scene that I didn't get my way, right?" "So, I don't look at the customer support person because I feel like I'm gonna say something I'm gonna regret." "So I'm looking to the side at the plane, and I'm just thinking, 'It's still here.'" "It's still here. You could get me on, but it's not gonna work." "I'm like, 'Can you get me on another plane right now? Because I gotta be here at this time tonight.'" "Like, sorry, the next plane is in the morning." "And I'm just like, 'You're killing me now. I gotta be somewhere in the morning.'" "So I am like bending over at this point, breathing heavily." "And I say to myself, 'Okay, how fitting is this that I just wrote a book about masculine vulnerability?'

• 33:41Lewis Howes?

  "And all I want to do right now is punch a wall and kick a trash can and scream.'" "So I say, 'Okay,' I just start smiling. I just start smiling. I'm like, "I get to continue to hold myself accountable. Great." "This is like making me more responsible. Like, I can't talk about this stuff and not try to practice it." "So it takes me about 10 minutes before I say something." "She continues to ask me questions, and I'm kind of passive-aggressively standing there, not responding, because I don't want to hurt anything in the situation." "So I finally breathe enough, which I think is a great practice for any human being, not just men."

• 34:22Lewis Howes?

  But all humans to just, okay, when you wanna say something or hurt someone or make a scene, breathe until you don't feel like you need to anymore. And so I practiced that and I was breathing. And I finally looked at her in the eyes and started talking to her with a little bit less anger. And just said, was there anything you can do for me tonight? And she was like, no. Okay, what's the best thing you can do for me? And I just continued to go through the process with her. And listen, I wasn't the most perfect. I was still like a little passive aggressive, you know? But I was very proud of myself that I walked out of the airport calmly, not screaming, making a scene, swearing at people, not kicking stuff along the way like I might have done in the past.

• 35:07Lewis Howes?

  And for me, that was a huge win. It was like, okay, I know what I'm capable of now. When something doesn't go my way, or I'm triggered, or I'm frustrated, I know that I can communicate in a better way. And so I'm really proud of the conversations that everyone's having around this topic. Yes, do I wanna sell millions of books? Sure. But for me, it's not as much about the sales and the results. It's more about the conversation and how we can come together as humanity to really start to heal these wounds that a lot of men are faced with. Now, listen, women are faced with challenges as well. Women and gender non-conforming are faced with a lot of things as well.

• 35:47Lewis Howes?

  So this isn't really about who has it easier, who has it harder, any of these things. I'm not comparing who has it worse off in the world. But what I'm saying is that the men have been conditioned over time to not open up and express themselves in healthier forms, from my perspective. And it's my mission to be an example. Because I don't see many white jock men who are opening up about their insecurities and talking about sexual abuse, talking about the fears and insecurities like I've been going through. So my goal is to continue to inspire other men to start opening up. It doesn't even have to be publicly, but just with their family, with their friends, with their community,

• 36:30Lewis Howes?

  to start opening up so that humanity can come together. Because the media, for me, is really painful to watch. It hurts me to watch the media and see all the things that men are doing. Impacting the world in a negative way. And I would love for more stories to come out about men who are lifting others up, not trying to be dominant and win at all costs. And for me, I needed to win at all costs my entire life. I needed to win and I needed to be right at all times. Because that's where I found my value in the world. People liked me when I won, I had value. So if I ever lost and was wrong, I felt like I didn't have value.

• 37:13Lewis Howes?

  And I felt like people weren't going to accept me or like me. And so now I try to come from a place of win-win at all costs. And how can you be right and I be right? Because if you're wrong and you lose, then we're isolating each other. And if I'm the only winner and I'm always right, then I'm the champion on a frickin' island by myself, that doesn't feel good either. And that's why I was always feeling alone and always feeling like it wasn't enough. So my goal is to redefine how we can communicate, redefine how we can connect as men and kind of start just taking off the masks a little bit, pulling them back and revealing ourselves a little bit better with each other.

• 37:58Lewis Howes?

  That's my story and I'm sticking to it. So, yeah, thank you guys. I would, I'd love to do some Q and A. I'd love to do some Q and A, so I think we have a couple mics. Do we have a couple mics or no? Yeah. Okay, cool. So if we have a couple mics, if you want to roam around and give them to people, if you guys have a question, we're gonna do questions for maybe 10, 30 minutes and then we'll sign some books, hang out, take some photos, whatever you guys want to do. There's some incredible people in the room, so once we're done here, I recommend connecting with other people in the room. But we'll do some Q and A, so say your name and what you're grateful for in the question.

• 38:41Speaker 02

  All right, my name is Caduce and I am so grateful that you're bringing this message to the world right now. I think it's so important and I'm so proud of you. Yeah. And my question is, what have been the biggest challenges in bringing this message to the world the way you're bringing it?

• 39:01Lewis Howes?

  For me, you know, the human condition is ninety-nine percent of people have been so behind this and like, yes, we need more men talking about this. Yes, you're such a great example because there's not like white men talking about this that much. Yes, yes, yes. But there's like a group of women who are very against me, very against me. And you saw the one percent is, you know, sometimes what we focus on, that one negative comment where we're like, oh, why, you know? And so the challenge for me has been to not get defensive and to say, awesome, I want to hear why you think I'm a scumbag. I want to hear why you think I'm like a dirt trash. Like, all these things are talking about

• 39:46Lewis Howes?

  me. I'm like, cool, let me hear. Like, I'm here to listen. When old me is like, [bleep] you, you don't know who I am. You don't know what I've been through, you know, like all this stuff. So I'm coming from a place of like, cool, tell me more of why you feel, whatever it is you feel about me. Like, people are saying some really nasty stuff in like Facebook groups and stuff and publicly. My team is telling me not to say anything and not to join the conversation. But I'm coming from what I believe is a very neutral place, just saying, I'd love to hear. Like, I'm open to having a conversation over Skype or Zoom or in person. Because they're just saying like, I will never read this book.

• 40:28Lewis Howes?

  I'll never read anything from you. I'll never like buy anything from you, any of this stuff, from whatever reason they have. And so I feel like they're just judging me when they're writing stuff about like equality and feminism or whatever it is where I'm like, I'm saying the same thing. I'm like, literally, if you read a paragraph from my book, you'd see it's the same thing you just posted. And I'm speaking to men. When I feel like, sometimes some of these groups of women are just like screaming at men, saying like, we need men to do this. And kind of being judgmental. And I'm like, cool, well, let's have a conversation together as opposed to just making me wrong before you even read a sentence or have a conversation with me. So I feel like there's some people who are

• 41:13Lewis Howes?

  very closed off to like just wanting to talk.

• 41:17Lewis Howes?

  And I feel like, well, isn't that part of the problem? If we're not willing to come together and just listen to each other? Like, who cares if you come from a completely different background? I'm willing to listen. Maybe I wasn't before, but I am now. So if you want to hold something against me from my past, cool, but it's not going to help humanity unless we talk. So I can try to understand you. You can understand me, and we can see how we can both come together. So that's been the challenge for me, because my conditioning is like winning and being right. So to continue to be like, okay, don't defend yourself. Just come from a place of love, and let's see how we can talk. That's what I'm trying to work on.

• 41:52Speaker 03

  First of all, I want to thank you. I have three daughters, and the reason I'm sitting here tonight is because of them. With all due respect, I didn't know who you were. And my 16-year-old daughter and my 20-year-old twin daughters are huge fans.

• 42:11Lewis Howes?

  Oh, awesome. Thanks for bringing her. Thanks for dragging her out.

• 42:14Speaker 03

  So I want to sincerely, deeply, thank you. Because my mission, as I'm sure a lot of women here hopefully share this, is that we're here to empower each other and to raise resilient, strong women. And I know that we can better do that with men that are willing to be vulnerable and open. So I thank you because I feel hopeful that the message will get out there, and my daughters have a greater opportunity to find partners that will support them. So...

• 43:07Speaker 03

  That was my gratitude part. My question is...

• 43:16Speaker 03

  And again, with all due respect to you, I appreciate that you're sharing your message and creating the space for the conversation. What have you committed to doing on a regular basis, whether it's daily, weekly, to stay in that space where you remain open and vulnerable to being yourself?

• 43:41Lewis Howes?

  I think, you know, I surround myself with really good people, you know, my team, who I'm constantly asking them, like, give me feedback if I'm saying things on the podcast, or online, or with you guys, that doesn't resonate with this message. If you feel like I'm closed off, if I'm leading with my ego, if I'm defensive, let me know. So I ask my team to do that to me, and I ask them to be honest with me about it. Because I don't want... I want to be sure I'm living up to this as well. Because I can easily go back... I can be the most negative person in the world if I want to be. So I could easily go back. Like I said before, I tried in the morning, really preface my day and say, okay, when certain things are going to come up for me? Because they are. I focus on all the good things that are going to happen.

• 44:26Lewis Howes?

  I'm like, okay, if something happens today where I face adversity, how do I want to respond? Frustrated, overwhelmed, mad, or from a place of listening, love, calm, or just not responding at all? So I try to do that in the morning. And then at night, this is just how I work. I rate myself, you know, how did I do? And then I evaluate that, okay? So I have some awareness around it at night. Did I perform to the level I wanted to as a human being? Not just a man, as a human. Or did I let myself down? And I think that practice is what works for me right now. Having these conversations. Writing a book was probably the biggest thing for me because it makes me be more accountable. Because I can't talk about this and then just be an asshole.

• 45:11Lewis Howes?

  You know what I mean? I mean, sometimes I'm going to be an asshole. Still, it's going to happen, inevitably. But I think it's going to be a lot less. And, um...

• 45:22Lewis Howes?

  Meditation for me is really powerful because it allows me to come back to a place of inner peace. And I think as a man, I was frustrated a lot. And so I didn't know how to get to a place of inner peace. And so it always felt pressure and stress. I think that built up pressure and stress manifests in some form. It used to be through my body, just feeling overwhelmed. And then I would say things to people, I'd react. And so I just try to find a place of inner peace whenever I feel stressed. So meditation really helps, but those things help, yeah.

• 45:58Speaker 04

  Hi Louis, my name is Sky. I'm grateful for my three younger brothers. So this question is for them. I have a seventeen year old brother who I connect with a lot and really close with him. And I think he's struggling right now to express himself authentically, especially coming from a sports background and being a hockey player. And he is really enjoying expressing himself through music, but he's struggling. What would you say to your seventeen year old self?

• 46:23Lewis Howes?

  I would tell him to talk to Brooks, who's a hockey player in the NHL. Oh, my seventeen year old self, man, I would just say, let it go. Like, because all the things I was carrying and holding on to were hurting me, they weren't helping me. And all the resentment, the frustration, the anger towards people and my experiences in the past, holding on to that wasn't supporting me in achieving my goals. Here's the crazy thing is like, that negative fuel, that drive to prove people wrong, is some of the most powerful fuel in the world. And it drove me, like, I was so committed to doing whatever it took to prove people wrong for a long time.

• 47:07Lewis Howes?

  And so it works. It got me the results that I was looking for, but I was constantly suffering inside. So the outer world worked, but the inner world was suffering. So I would say to myself, like, let that stuff go and come from a place of lifting others up as opposed to putting others down. And come from a place of inspiring others as opposed to making others wrong. And that fuel is just as powerful and so much more rewarding to my heart. And so that's what I would say to myself. I don't know if I would have listened, because I thought I had all the answers. But that's what I would say.

• 47:42Speaker 05

  Thank you for being here. My name is Sasha. I'm grateful for, to be honest, everything in life. From the trees, from the ground, from the roof to you. My questions, little, little questions, and then they come to a core question. I think this is gonna resonate with everyone over here because it resonates with me and I can see that you flipped some switch in your, in your mind that you started acting the way that you weren't acting as in fighting. Because I used my fists a lot when I was a kid. I was in martial arts since I was 2 to 14, so instead of expressing myself and talking, I would punch walls and kick anything. Just fighting, for no reason. But I'm grateful for, at a time, I have a lot of mentors around me, like you,

• 48:25Speaker 05

  that went through that and shared it and I said, "Okay, if they're going through that, then a lot of people are going through it, they can fix it and I can fix it myself." So, do you believe that the quality of your questions internally determines the quality of your life?

• 48:41Lewis Howes?

  What do you believe?

• 48:42Speaker 05

  I believe, yes, the quality of your questions determines the quality of your life. I see something that you changed internally. Do you believe that, uh, before expressing yourself to your mom or your dad or your brother or your sister or your spouse, your wife, your brother, your girlfriend, your boyfriend, of expressing yourself, do you believe that you have to have some conversation within before expressing it?

• 49:05Lewis Howes?

  I think so. Do you?

• 49:06Speaker 05

  I do believe it.

• 49:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 49:07Speaker 05

  So my core question is, what are some of the questions that you ask yourself before expressing yourself externally? What's the internal questions you ask yourself?

• 49:17Lewis Howes?

  I think it, I think it depends on the situation and what I'm focused on, but it's become clearer and clearer to me.

• 49:27Lewis Howes?

  The questions that I ask myself is, does this move my vision and move humanity forward? And bring me inner peace? And if it doesn't, then why am I doing it? If it's not helping my vision or bringing humanity and lifting it up or giving me inner peace, then it's doing something that's hurting my vision or not helping it at all and not bringing me a sense of peace inside. So that's just what I'm focused on, like, is this conversation, is this experience gonna help both of those things?

• 49:59Speaker 05

  I love you.

• 50:00Lewis Howes?

  Love you too. Thank you.

• 50:05Lewis Howes?

  Carmina.

• 50:06Speaker 06

  I'm Carmina and I'm grateful for this conversation, for sure. And for you having the courage to, even though you're still trying to figure stuff out like we all are, that you're anyway writing a book and leading in this conversation. So, a lot of courage, thank you. I often feel for men because I feel like there's a lot of pressure of like this new conversation of like, okay, now vulnerability, now cry, now all of this stuff. And then there's a lot of men doing yoga and being vulnerable and opening up. And then the other part of men that I think is very necessary, that aggressive part of

• 50:51Speaker 06

  you, there could be like a misconception that now, let's leave that aside. And some men can now fear that aggression, maybe in bed, maybe outside of bed.

• 51:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course.

• 51:03Speaker 06

  Because now all of a sudden, there meant to be this...

• 51:04Lewis Howes?

  They're not taking charge, they're not like...

• 51:06Speaker 06

  Yeah, so what's a good balance and what...

• 51:09Lewis Howes?

  It's like a dance, you know?

• 51:11Speaker 06

  What are practices for...

• 51:12Lewis Howes?

  This is another critique that I'm getting from like men who are like attacking me, like this is the pussification of men, right? This is like, you know, they're like... And so I think, I'm just trying to focus on like continuing to step into who I fully am. And I am competitive. I am like an athlete. I like to lift, I like to like, bro talk, you know, I like to do these things. And so for me, it's just trying to create a context and a setting where I can still express myself in certain times, in healthy ways. So with my girlfriend Jen, it's like finding a time at night, maybe it's not like to the world, but it's like to her where I can be like, God, I'm just like struggling right

• 51:57Lewis Howes?

  now, I'm going through this, I'm going through this. But in other nights, she's, you know, other things are happening where I'm taking charge and, you know, it's like other recreational things are happening where I step into my masculinity, you know what I mean? So, I think it's like just constantly figuring it out and dancing with it and, yeah, right? So, yeah, because it's just a dance, I don't know.

• 52:26Lewis Howes?

  I don't have all the answers, that's for sure.

• 52:29Speaker 07

  How you doing, everybody? First of all, I'm thankful that I'm taking therapy sessions with Jen. This is how I got to know you.

• 52:36Lewis Howes?

  Oh, Jen's great.

• 52:39Speaker 07

  She's amazing, man. Okay, so I have just a little thing to express and then I need advice on it.

• 52:46Lewis Howes?

  Quick thing, let's do a quick question.

• 52:49Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 52:49Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 52:50Speaker 07

  Yeah, it's a quick question. So, partly Middle Eastern, everybody knows it's a very masculine society. Growing up and being kind of like put down for not being good enough, both mentally and physically, I think I reflect this to everybody around me and I do the same without even noticing that I do it. And it pisses me off after 10 minutes when I realize, oh shit, like I did what I used to happen to me. How do I stop that before it happens? That's it.

• 53:27Lewis Howes?

  You know, again, I don't know if I have all the answers for you specifically, but I think what I'm practicing myself is in the morning, being very intentional about how I want to show up that day. How do I want to show up today? When I see someone who I typically criticize or judge or compare myself to or whatever it may be, how do I want to respond? As opposed to going back into my old ways of being. So, I think in the morning is very critical to spend the time to focus on how you want to show up that day. At the end of the day, reevaluate what happened. How did I respond in these situations? What could I improve for tomorrow? And constantly just checking yourself and being mindful,

• 54:11Lewis Howes?

  you know, writing down the situation and seeing if there's any patterns that you're constantly reactive to. But I think when we're focused in the morning of like, okay, I'm going to show up this way today, then we're just setting ourselves up to win as opposed to being on autopilot. So that's what I would suggest to getting started.

• 54:27Speaker 08

  Hi, everybody. I'm grateful for this amazing space and amazing people in this space. And I wanted to ask you, Louis, I listen to your shows and we've had conversations. I'd love to hear about your father when we're talking about masculinity, if you're willing to go there. The greatest gift or the greatest lesson that he gave to you?

• 54:45Lewis Howes?

  The greatest gift? My father got in an accident about 12 years ago, which was devastating for me. He was in New Zealand on a trip with his fiancee at the time. After he got divorced from my mom, he'd met someone else. And it was my senior year in college. He'd never missed a football game of mine all through college, flown all around the world. And he decided to leave my senior year to New Zealand for a couple of weeks because that was the only time that he could go somewhere for his business and other things that were happening. So we had a bye week. We had a week off and we had a game. And he was gonna miss one game.

• 55:29Lewis Howes?

  And the other week, he wasn't gonna miss because we had a bye week. And the night before the game, it was 11:30 at night. I got a phone call from my sister around 11:30. And right away, I was just like, something happened to my dad. Because my family knows not to call me the night before, like after a certain time, because I'm just visualizing. And I see her name, Heidi, on the phone. And I pick it up and I just say, what happened to dad? And she couldn't even speak. She was just like, you know, she's crying. I couldn't even tell what was happening. But I knew something happened right then because she wasn't reacting in a positive way. And he had gotten a car accident in New Zealand,

• 56:13Lewis Howes?

  where he was driving around a curvy kind of mountain area. And a car came the opposite way. And they're driving the other side of the road there. And I guess he didn't turn to the right, which we normally do here in America. He turned the other way. And a car came up on top of his car. And the bumper went through the windshield and hit him in his head. So they had to air, they cut the car in half. They had to airlift him. His fiancee is holding his head together because it's cut open. So he's holding head together for hours while they cut open the car. And they airlift him off to some hospital. So I get the call and we don't know if he's gonna live or not because he's on life support at this time.

• 56:59Lewis Howes?

  It's the night before a game and I'm already thinking like, man, my dad is missing this game. And now like, is he even gonna make it? And so I'm just kind of in shock. I have no idea if my dad's alive or what happened. I have no idea. He could have been dead at that point. My family's like, you know what? He would want you to play anyways. Like you should play tomorrow because he would want you to. Just sitting around and doing nothing is not, that's not what he would want. So I decided to play the next day. And the second to the last play of the game, we're losing to our crosstown rivals. The second to last play of the game, I catch a ball and I try to turn upfield to go score. If we score, we win.

• 57:41Lewis Howes?

  And I get speared by a helmet right in the ribs and break three ribs. Hear a pop. And so I'm getting like carted off the field. The next play is the last play of the game. We lose. I've broken three ribs. It's my senior year. I don't even know if my dad's still alive at this point. And I'm just thinking like, you know, holy shit. What is, you know, what is my life right now? What is the world trying to tell me right now? He wakes up a couple of months later on Thanksgiving Day. So he was in life support the whole time in this hospital. He wakes up on Thanksgiving Day. He comes back about a month later back to the U.S. When he was actually able to transport him.

• 58:26Lewis Howes?

  And he's never been the same. He's never been the same. So after 20, you know, when I was 22, it was pretty much like I lost my dad. It was really sad for a few years because, you know, he couldn't speak. He couldn't write. And he just became kind of like a shell of himself. He has really bad amnesia, so he just forgets everything. He's still around today and I see him a couple of times a year. But he used to just love his family and his kids so much and would do anything for us. After the accident, it's just like his mentality wasn't there. Something happened to his brain where he just doesn't function the same way.

• 59:06Lewis Howes?

  He's kind of like, you know, a big kid that just doesn't care about his health, doesn't care about his life. He just doesn't, I think there's just something off in his brain from the trauma that he faced. And I can't really have an emotional connection with him. We just kind of talk about the same things that he can remember from the past. And it's been like that for the last 12 years. So it's been really, it was really devastating for me because he was such a close friend of mine. And really believed in me and stood for me. But the greatest lesson he taught me was he just constantly instilled this sense of belief that anything is possible. And he also taught me a lesson about time, which I love today.

• 59:49Lewis Howes?

  My friends and family forget or hate me because I forget their birthdays all the time. And I don't celebrate birthdays because my dad didn't celebrate my birthday. And when I was younger, I would, I didn't understand. You know, I would go to all my friends' birthday parties, but you know, March 16th rolled around. No cake, no presents, nothing for me. And I was like, Dad, how come like you don't celebrate me? Do you not love me? Do you not, you know, why don't we celebrate my birthday when everyone else celebrates birthdays? And he said something that I'll never forget. He said, because so many people that I come around say that they're too old or too young to chase their dreams. And they always use age as a limiting belief.

• 1:00:34Lewis Howes?

  And so he said, I never want you to feel like your age can hold you back from achieving anything you want. It was really powerful, yeah. So for me, so for me, I think he just instilled something in me. There was just like, it doesn't matter if I don't have the education, the experience, how young I was, how old I am. Like, I'm just gonna go after what I want. And I think that was something I'm really appreciative of him because I think the people, some people I come across don't have a sense of belief in themselves. Whereas he just instilled the power of belief. Because it doesn't matter if the world believes that you're capable of doing something. If you have billions of people that say, you've got this.

• 1:01:16Lewis Howes?

  If I don't believe it inside, then I don't got it. And so how can we bottle up belief in ourselves and continue to cultivate that? I think it's the most powerful asset in the world. And so I'm just very grateful of that lesson that he taught me. Yeah.

• 1:01:35Speaker 09

  Thanks for tonight, mate. I'm Australian, if you can't tell, but thank you. Like, you all talked about a lot that I related to. But how did you take the first step to get the confidence to really go to a therapist? And go, I need to lift the deepest stuff. How did you get that confidence to talk?

• 1:01:54Lewis Howes?

  I didn't have the confidence. I had, again, like the perfect storm of like events. I had catalysts. These experiences of like a break, a toxic relationship and a breakup. Almost beating up my business partner in the middle of Times Square. You know, literally hitting someone on a basketball court and just being constantly aggressive. Like, all those events kept happening. And people were like, okay, something's not working. And I started to say, wow, like, something's not working. Here's the challenge. I think a lot of men and humans, we don't start to wake up until something drastic happens. A near death experience, a death in the family or friends, a cancer scare,

• 1:02:37Lewis Howes?

  a divorce, a career ending injury, getting fired from a career. Like, until we have some type of catalyst that's drastic, that's usually when we look within and say, okay, let me reevaluate what I'm doing. So it's really hard for men in general, I think, to look within just when things seem to be doing okay or you don't have one of those scares. That's the challenge. So that's why I'm trying to have these conversations. You know, if I, I feel like if, if men are just willing to have these conversations or willing to listen to a little bit, whether it's me or it doesn't matter if it's me, but just someone that they can relate to. And I'm hopeful that some men will be able to relate to me and my experience. Obviously, not all men are going to.

• 1:03:22Lewis Howes?

  But I think more guys that talk about this, there'll be different examples of people sharing that people can relate to.

• 1:03:31Lewis Howes?

  So I'm hopeful that this book gets people to open up and gets people to just look within a little bit deeper, all these things. I'm just trying to do my best, you know? But having these conversations, again, my friends stood for me. The more and more, but I was challenging because I was very resistant. And I was like, no, I didn't have the answers. I'm right. Look at my results. So it's challenging. But the more bad things happened, they continued to stand for me and that allowed me to start the process. But even through the process of therapists and coaches and workshops, it was still tough. I was still resistant.

• 1:04:05Speaker 10

  Thank you.

• 1:04:06Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:04:07Speaker 10

  I think this is the most important topic you've ever talked about, like, in your entire career. And I acknowledge you, man, this is really beautiful, and this work. My question, related to the question that the woman in the back asked about the way in which she can create a safe space for the men in her life to open up. And specifically, my question is, is for my relationship with my dad. My dad's not somebody that openly shares his feelings. He's always had the macho bravado way of thinking about being a man. But I can be vulnerable with him all day long, but it doesn't change the way that he is with me. And I don't necessarily need him to be vulnerable for me. I know that

• 1:04:48Speaker 10

  he'll feel more free. So my question is, how can I create a space where he wants that for himself, if I can do anything at all? I know that at some level, he's got to want it. But how can I position it so that he can open up?

• 1:05:03Lewis Howes?

  You know, I think it's something you're gonna have to read his energy. And I don't know if I'll have the right answer, because it's all based on how he shows up. But I would say you continue, not shutting down yourself, but you continually open up in a way that you think will resonate with him, will be supportive, I believe. And I think having a conversation with him every now and then and say, hey, Dad, I really, you know, for me, it'd be really awesome if we could openly talk about stuff. Once every six months, I don't know, it's like you say, listen, for this hour, can we just go to a place that we've never gone before? Or can we talk about things? I'd really love to like hear things that you're feeling or things that you've been through in your past. And kind of creating a container, like it's only gonna happen once a year. You know what I mean? Just to kind of get it started. Or once every few months.

• 1:05:48Lewis Howes?

  For thirty minutes, let's just talk about everything we're afraid of. Something like that. Create a game around it. Like some of these things may or may not work, I'm not sure, because I don't know your dad, but creating a context where it's, it works for him is what's gonna, I think, help. And then you continuing to open up and just be comfortable with yourself when you talk about these things. I think will give him more permission as well. But that's like sixty years of conditioning is hard to break, I think.

• 1:06:15Speaker 10

  Well, I don't think I've ever directly asked him either.

• 1:06:17Lewis Howes?

  Oh, there you go.

• 1:06:18Speaker 10

  So.

• 1:06:18Lewis Howes?

  Ask him.

• 1:06:19Speaker 10

  I mean, that's just genius.

• 1:06:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, simple, simple, simple.

• 1:06:26Lewis Howes?

  What's that?

• 1:06:27Speaker 11

  My name is Mohammed, and I'm grateful for my brother for being, uh, bringing me here. And I'm grateful to meet you in person before I heard your voice. So, thank you, and thank you. My question is about the morning. You mentioned it quite a few times throughout your, your talk, and to set intention. Because when I wake up, I'm on, you know, autopilot. So, would you?

• 1:06:52Lewis Howes?

  You are on autopilot.

• 1:06:53Speaker 11

  I am, you know, I have a routine. I just do my bed, go to the shower, and then I, I never make that intention. So if you could just briefly explain your intention setting in the morning? And your recap at night?

• 1:07:09Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:09Speaker 11

  I'd appreciate it.

• 1:07:10Lewis Howes?

  I think there's different forms of setting intention. Some people like to journal and saying, here's my intention for the day. I'm going to be generous. I'm going to smile at people when I walk down the street. I'm going to respond from love. So if that works better for you to write something down of how you want to show up that day, then you can write it down. You can talk to a friend, your intimate partner, and say, "Here's how I'm going to show up today." You know, with me and my girlfriend, at the end of every night, we say three things we're most grateful for and conclude the night with gratitude. In the morning, I typically meditate for about 12 to 15 minutes. And in my meditation process, at the end of the meditation process, I set a clear intention and I think about

• 1:07:55Lewis Howes?

  the different things that could happen to me that day. You know, whether it's from family, friends, my girlfriend, you know, whatever happens online, like something happens where I'm triggered, I say, "Okay, how do I want to respond?" And at night, I try to just personally evaluate, like, "How did I show up?" You know, my girlfriend will tell you that a lot of times I don't show up as a 10, right? Like, it's usually a little bit less and I can always be better. But I'm constantly trying to just rate myself and say, "Okay, I need to be better. I need to be better." I think just having that mindset makes me feel like I'm progressing and sometimes I take steps back and I'm not the way I want to be. But I feel like, since I'm aware of it every day and mindful of it,

• 1:08:40Lewis Howes?

  I'm practicing and proving as much as I can. And that's, you know, I'm a human being like the rest of us and I'm gonna be out of integrity my whole life probably, as long as I'm breathing. But if I'm constantly mindful of it, then hopefully I'll do okay. Thank you. Thank you guys so much for being here. I appreciate it. Thank you.

• 1:09:01Lewis Howes?

  Thank you, thank you.

• 1:09:04Lewis Howes?

  There you have it, my friends. I hope you enjoyed this one. And if you did, make sure to share it with your friends. Let me know what you thought of this. Tweet me, @lewishows. Share this out with your friends who you think might find this inspiring and helpful as well. You got this. And you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.