4 Keys To Completely Heal Your Mind & Body EP 1206

Everyone is on some kind of healing journey right now, whether it’s mental, spiritual, physical—it doesn’t matter, we’re all going through something and it can be really hard to figure out where to start or which direction to go next. So for this episode I wanted to share with you some of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned from my conversations with Marisa Peer, Dr. Nicole LePera, Lori Gottlieb and Gabby Bernstein. In this episode we discuss why the words you use about yourself are so important, the best coping strategies for stress, tools to help you heal from the damaging effects of shame, how to become more authentic and vulnerable, and so much more! For more go to: www.lewishowes.com/1206Marisa Peer EP 949 - www.lewishowes.com/949Dr. Nicole LePera EP 1083 - www.lewishowes.com/1083Lori Gottlieb EP 1013 - www.lewishowes.com/1013Gabby Bernstein EP 1103 - www.lewishowes.com/1103Mel Robbins: The “Secret” Mindset Habit to Building Confidence and Overcoming Scarcity: https://link.chtbl.com/970-podDr. Joe Dispenza on Healing the Body and Transforming the Mind: https://link.chtbl.com/826-podMaster Your Mind and Defy the Odds with David Goggins: https://link.chtbl.com/715-pod Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is episode number 1,206 on how to completely heal your mind and body. Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:31Lewis Howes?

  Everyone is on some kind of healing journey right now, whether it's mental, spiritual, physical, it doesn't matter, because we're all going through something. And it can be really hard to figure out where to start, or which direction to go on next. So for this episode, I wanted to share with you some of the most valuable lessons I've learned from my conversations with Marisa Peer, Dr. Nicole LePera, Lori Gottlieb, and Gabby Bernstein. So in this episode, we are going to break down and discuss why the words you use about yourself are so important, the best coping strategies for stress, tools to help you heal from the damaging effects of shame, how to become more authentic and vulnerable, and so much more. And if you're enjoying this at any moment during this episode, please

• 1:16Lewis Howes?

  share it with someone that you think would love to hear this as well. And if this is your first time here, or if you're a regular listener, but you haven't subscribed yet, please click the subscribe button over on Apple Podcast right now and leave us a rating and review. And today's fan of the week is from Elena from Hawaii. Aloha, Elena. And she said, "Life-changing podcast. I absolutely love this podcast. Every guest interviewed is incredible. 10 out of 10 recommendation." So, big shout out to the aloha state, to Elena, for leaving a review and subscribing, and for being the fan of the week. And again, just go ahead and leave a review at any time for your chance to be shouted out on the podcast as a fan of the week. Okay, in just a moment, we'll dive into the four keys to completely heal your mind and body.

• 2:05Lewis Howes?

  In this first section, you'll hear from Marisa Peer, who is a world-renowned speaker, rapid transformational therapy trainer, and bestselling author. In this section, we discuss how to heal from decades of thinking negatively, how to change our interpretation of flee or freeze to flow, why the words you use about yourself are so important, and how role, function, and purpose work. Let's dive in. If we're so focused on negative thoughts, how do we even get to the place of stopping those thoughts and starting to heal from years or decades of thinking negatively?

• 2:41Marisa Peer?

  And I guess that's a great question, because most people don't even get there. You have to understand thoughts are things. When you think a thought, you have an immediate reaction. That's why if you think about eating, your stomach rumbles. If you think about sex, you get aroused. People say, "I don't believe that." So what do you think an erection is? You think a thought, you get a physical reaction. That's not a one-off. If you think a thought, a thought has a physical reaction in your body immediately and an emotional response. If I think I'm embarrassed, I might blush. If you say something moving, my eyes might fill up with tears because my body is reacting to thoughts. And if you could all be taught that early on, you react to thoughts, that's a fact. Here's another great fact.

• 3:26Marisa Peer?

  You can change your thoughts anytime you like. And if you change your thinking, it changes your entire life. So for instance, we're all saying, "I'm stuck at home." I go, "No, I'm safe at home." Stuck, safe. You change one little word, it changes everything. So let me say, "I'm trapped. I'm in a lockdown." You know, we're not actually trapped. They're not sealing up the doors like they did in the plague. In the plague, they sealed your doors and you couldn't physically get out.

• 3:56Marisa Peer?

  But we are asked to stay indoors. We still go out for walks. We go out to the store. We go to the pharmacy. We're not stuck. We're not locked in. We're not trapped. We're not in prison. It's not an apocalypse. It's not Armageddon, but if you start to use those words, it begins to feel exactly as if it is that case. So it's really important that you change your words. And I learnt that when I was helping a hospital who had people who couldn't go in the scanning machine. And they'd all say things like, well, I feel like I'm in a coffin. You know, when I get in that scanner and I can't move, I'm so trapped. I'm like, look, come on. You lie in bed for eight hours every night and don't move.

• 4:38Marisa Peer?

  Why don't you just say, I'm in my bed, I'm super chilled and I feel so relaxed. And what will happen is your mind will react to your thinking. And so I had many people do that and I was teaching nurses how to get people to do that, especially little kids of six going into the scan. And they said, you know, when we say they're in their bed, they actually fall asleep in there. And we say, we're gonna play a game now, statues, how long can you keep still for? So when I actually, a few years ago, was in a scanner, which I didn't ever plan to be, and I thought, well, just let me play a game. So I lay in there and I went, I'm in my bed, I'm so chilled, this is so great, I've got half an hour to just lie here. And then I decided, I'm in my coffin now. And

• 5:23Marisa Peer?

  they start to talk to me, mercy, you're moving all the time. I had no idea because I was saying, I'm I'm stuck, I'm trapped, I'm claustrophobic. My body was like, get out. And it starts to do things to make you want to leave. And so if you just understand how you are, everything changes. So our ancestral brain is like, flee, fight, freeze. I can fight, I can flee, I can freeze. So I'm in a scanner and it's like, well, I need to flee this, I need to fight it. And I'm like, no, if you can't fight and you can't flee, don't freeze, flow. I can't fight, I can't flee, but I can flow.

• 6:07Marisa Peer?

  I mean, Nelson Mandela spent twenty seven years.

• 6:12Marisa Peer?

  In solitary confinement, we can't even do three weeks. But I'm like, it's L, it's a nightmare, I'm cooped up, my kids are driving me mad. I wanna get a divorce, I can't stand it. But he did twenty seven years. You know how he did it? Because he said, everyone in my country is in prison. I'm just in a different prison to them. If they can do it, I can do it. And I'm gonna come out here, the leader of my country. And he did. So, you know, we have this belief that events affect us. They don't. The meaning you attach to an event affects you. The interpretation you choose about an event is what affects you. So, some people are going, I love it, it's great, you know, I'm so much tired, I'm having the best.

• 6:54Marisa Peer?

  And people go, I hate it, I can't stand it, I'm climbing the walls, I'm going crazy, I'm ripping my hair out. None of which, we're not actually ripping out our hair, or climbing the walls, or going insane. We shouldn't use that. But clearly, it must be the interpretation, because we're all reacting differently. So, this won't affect you, but what you make of it will. And it's your job to change the interpretation. And if you can change the interpretation, it would change your entire life.

• 7:24Lewis Howes?

  How do we change the interpretation to go from free or fight or freeze to flow?

• 7:29Marisa Peer?

  Well, first of all, we think, what does this mean? What does this mean? You know, I've had a couple of clients who went to jail, and they reacted in trip. One of them was a very rich woman who went to jail for tax evasion. And she said, actually, she ended up really liking it.

• 7:46Lewis Howes?

  Being in jail.

• 7:47Marisa Peer?

  Well, she was a typical rich woman, she had a beautiful house, lots of staff. She didn't really go anywhere, everyone did everything for her. She didn't really have any friends, she had the ladies who lunch. And when she was there, she trained to be an aerobic teacher, she trained to be a yoga teacher, nothing else to do. She really bonded with the other women. And when she got out, she went back every week to visit them. Because she said, you know, it was different in there, it was like girls' boarding school. I didn't realize I was isolated at home, and more connected in jail. Which is an interesting way to think about it. And people who, often people who've been in jail, or been trapped in their house, when in lockdown. So Isaac Newton, I believe in sixteen sixty five, he developed the theory of gravity

• 8:30Marisa Peer?

  while London was locked down because of the plague.

• 8:34Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 8:34Marisa Peer?

  Seon in their house and so he used that time. So I guess you have to think, well, you know, I can't change this, but I can change what it means.

• 8:46Marisa Peer?

  One day I look back and go, well, actually, there was a lot of good stuff. What can I do about it? I mean, we all go, I just haven't got enough time. Oh, I'd love more time. If I only had time to myself, well, here it is. What could you do or learn or achieve? And I'm not saying it's easy because I'm also safe at home and I really miss going out and meeting people, but I'm also doing things I've wanted to do for years that I couldn't do because of time. So silly things like cook with your kids and make that a math lesson. How much does that weigh? How much vitamin C is in the skin of a potato? Do the laundry, you know, why do you think detergent's called biological? Uh, you can make it interesting.

• 9:29Marisa Peer?

  You just have to really decide, okay, what does this mean to me? And can I change the meaning? And when I can change the meaning, it will change my life because the meaning is yours to change and the interpretation is yours to change. But the fastest way is to look at words. Am I saying apocalypse, Armageddon, uh, trapped stuff? Someone said to me, they've, they've taken away my freedom. Who? The government, government forces have taken away my freedom. Maybe, but how about they want me to live? They want me to be safe. The government has put this in place to keep me safe. So I'm safe at home or they've taken away my freedom.

• 10:11Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. Why, why looking at your words first? Why is that so important?

• 10:14Marisa Peer?

  Because the way you feel about everything is down to two things. The pictures you make in your head and the words, the way you feel about everything, every minute of every day is only down to two things. The pictures you make in your head and the words you say. But you could make that even simpler and say, forget about the pictures because the words make the picture. You know, I'm not visual and I can't see stuff. But if I said to you, Louis, think of anything, but you may not think of an orange snowman. Especially one whose snow is the same color as the carrot in his nose. You've got to think of an orange snowman. And so when you hear words, they make pictures.

• 10:56Marisa Peer?

  When you say, don't think about blushing, don't think about falling. You know, I paddleboard every day and I notice if you go, I'm wobbling here and I'm going to fall. I've never, ever, ever fallen off because I don't think about falling. I think about balance and how much I like it. But when you say a word, you make a picture. And even the words you use in front of words make a picture. You can say, this is driving me crazy. I'm going insane. There's a picture. Or you can say, it's a challenge. It's interesting, an opportunity, because they don't make a picture. So when you say, I've got this cracking headache, oh my God, it's killing me.

• 11:39Marisa Peer?

  I'm in agony, my head is killing me.

• 11:42Lewis Howes?

  It's swelling, it's throbbing, yeah.

• 11:45Marisa Peer?

  Or you say, I've got a little niggle here. A little niggle, not great, but so what? When you say, I'm starving, this is what people do. I mean, I'm starving, I could eat a horse, I'm dying of hunger. See, what you're doing, which most people don't know, is that 500 years ago, the thing that killed us more than anything else was not disease and it wasn't war. It was hunger. And we're wired to be scared of hunger. So when you say to your body, I'm starving, I'm dying of hunger, I could eat a horse, your mind goes, oh, that's that dangerous thing that could kill you. You have an apposet here that regulates what you eat. But if you say you're starving, I'll put that on hold so you can eat.

• 12:30Marisa Peer?

  You can stand in front of the fridge and eat so much stuff. And then when you've eaten, you still feel hungry because you just told me you were starving.

• 12:39Lewis Howes?

  So you're saying that using the words, I'm starving, or I'm okay, I don't need food. Whatever you say is going to manifest in the body.

• 12:46Marisa Peer?

  And you just have to think, how could I change? Am I really starving? I don't think I've ever been starving. I've been hungry, but I've never been starving. Could I really eat a horse? No, not even a horse's leg, of course you couldn't. Am I really dying of hunger? That takes at least 12 days, probably even longer.

• 13:05Marisa Peer?

  So then you think, why would I lie to myself and delude myself? How about saying the truth? I need to eat, I'm ready to eat. And you see, what happens is maybe you're driving home or maybe you're on the train station and you say, I'm starving. Now your mind goes, there's a Kit Kat machine right there. You should eat three of those. And maybe some jelly beans and taco chips as well. Cause you're starving and I'm your mind and my job is to keep you alive. And you just said you're starving. Because your mind's job is to listen to your words and your job. And it's a great job is to tell it better stuff. So then instead you go, you know, I am hungry, I need to eat. But I've got some chicken in my house. I've got some vegetables, I've got a casserole, I cooked it yesterday.

• 13:49Marisa Peer?

  I can wait an hour and eat better food. And we all have to say that, I am hungry, but I'm choosing to wait thirty minutes for better food. You know, it's the same thing in a restaurant. But when I go to restaurants, I'm not hungry. Then minute I sit down, they bring that bread, bread bar. So I think, oh, oh, I need that. And I could have eaten all of those at one time until I learnt to say, I'm choosing to wait half an hour to eat this really nice food I've ordered.

• 14:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 14:17Marisa Peer?

  But you have to talk to yourself, you know, we're all taught. If you can um, talk to your customers, you'll have a great business. If you can talk to your kids, you'd be a great parent. But no one says, but you need to talk to yourself. That is the most important conversation you'll ever have, the one you have with yourself. This relationship is killing me, this kid is killing me. I'm dying under my workload. This free weight makes me want to die. This is not true. Why don't you say the truth? That the, the, this.

• 14:49Lewis Howes?

  It's challenging.

• 14:50Marisa Peer?

  It's a challenge. I've got all these audiobooks and I've got some snacks in my car. I'm prepared for the challenge rather than it's killing me, so.

• 14:59Lewis Howes?

  What happens when we say, this is killing me over and over again? What happened, well, how do we manifest that physically?

• 15:04Marisa Peer?

  If you say that, your mind, your mind's job is to keep you alive on the planet. It doesn't actually care if you're happy. You know, people think my mind's job is to make me happy. No, it's not. It's to make you live long enough to reproduce yourself. And actually, that takes the first thirty, so we've got another seventy left. So our mind's job is a little confusing to our minds. But you know, we are ancestral people in very modern bodies. And when you say, my job is killing me, it goes, don't go to that place called job. And if you keep going to that place called job and keep saying it's killing you, I'll just give you a nice ulcer. I'll keep you at home now. I'll. Make you sick. I'll make you sick, I'll give you a disease.

• 15:48Marisa Peer?

  And we see that, people say, oh, I need a week in bed and then they get flu. Now they've got their week in bed. I need to get out of that meeting and now they get chronic diarrhea. So it happens all the time anyway. And because your mind is designed to keep you alive. And so if you say you hate it, and we will say, you know, this guy, oh, he ripped out my heart, stamped all over it, threw it in the trash. Really? I think he got bored with you, darling. And you know what? If you stuck around, you probably would have got bored with him. He was just your starter relationship. He taught you a lot. And you learnt a lot and everything he loved in you, but he didn't take it when he packed his wash bag and left.

• 16:30Marisa Peer?

  He didn't put in it, all the things that made him like you, they're still in you. He couldn't take them home. And everything he liked in you is still there and you can find a way better person that loves you more. But when you say to your mind, he ripped out my heart, stamped all over it, he killed me, the mind goes, you know what? Don't have another relationship. Stay single. I'll make you the biggest bitch in the world. I'll make you the cold, most cold hearted guy. Cause you keep saying, if I meet another person that leaves me, I'll die. If I meet another person that hurts me, I couldn't take the pain. You know those songs, I haven't got time for the pain. I can't live without you.

• 17:11Marisa Peer?

  When you say to your mind, it'll kill me if another guy dumps me, or girl. I'll die if I get rejected. If I have another miscarriage, it will just be the end of the world for me. You've told your mind, I couldn't cope with that event and your mind's job is okay. My job is to make sure you never have to experience that event ever, ever, ever again.

• 17:37Lewis Howes?

  So I'm gonna make you a bitch, I'm gonna make you mean, I'm gonna make you obese, unattractive, all these things, right?

• 17:44Marisa Peer?

  You know, I worked with someone, it was so fascinating, this girl had hypersensitivity to light. So bad that she couldn't go out in normal daylight. And when I talked to her, she said, you know, when I was eleven, I got really, really badly bullied. And I said to my mom, can I stay home? And she's like, no, I'm a single parent, of course you can't stay home. I gotta go to work and I hate my job and you have to go to school and deal with it. And she said, but mom, I, I need to stay home. No. When she got hyper light sensitivity, what do you think happened?

• 18:18Lewis Howes?

  She was able to stay at home.

• 18:19Marisa Peer?

  She had to stay at home every day. Her mind believed that staying home was what she wanted and was really seductive. And we have to be so careful when we say, I want to be at home. I, I, I don't wanna go out into the world and deal with that, it's too much for me. And recently, I was teaching, cause I teach RTT all over the world, and I was teaching my course. And, and I heard this story, I, I just trained a graduate and I was so proud of her. Because she said, you know, my first client was an anorexic girl. And when I talked to her, using RTT, I said, what? Cause we always say the same thing, what was going on when you first began to have this? It's called, what I call what lies beneath.

• 19:00Marisa Peer?

  And she said, um, well, I was eleven years old and over my dad's study and he was looking at porn. And he was panting, you know, like a dog. And I remember standing at the door thinking, oh, I never want anyone to look at me the way he's looking at that girl.

• 19:16Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 19:17Marisa Peer?

  I would die if a man looked at me the way my dad is looking at that girl. Now, that's actually a command to the mind. Do anything and everything to make sure no man ever looks at me the way he's looking at her. And that's when she became anorexic. When you're anorexic, the ovaries don't develop, you don't go into, you don't get breasts, you, you lose your hair. But what was even more interesting is the girl in the audience said, that's so bizarre, cause I'm bulimic. And my dad used to. I he used to drop me off when they're divorced and you go, look at your mum, look at her in those tight clothes. Who does she think she is?

• 19:58Marisa Peer?

  She just looks like a tramp, because and I thought, I never want my husband to ever talk about me like that, and I'm so fat.

• 20:08Lewis Howes?

  Oh my gosh.

• 20:09Marisa Peer?

  He would never talk about me like that, so same, almost the same scenario. The same request of the mind, I couldn't cope if anyone spoke about me like that. And one became anorexic and one became obese. Because the mind took the command, do anything and everything to make sure no one ever looks at me like that.

• 20:33Lewis Howes?

  To protect yourself.

• 20:34Marisa Peer?

  And it doesn't have a set thing, but um. What is interesting is we in RTT have something called role, function, purpose, so we say to people. If this headache had a role, what would it be? If um your irritable bowel had a role? If these panic attacks had a purpose, and they come up with the most profound stuff, but it's only ever three things in thirty years. It's always the same three. The panic attacks protect me, you know, my dad wanted me to be a family lawyer like him, but when I got panic attacks, he's, oh, you could never do that. No, you can't, how could you ever be in court with panic attacks? So they protected me from this expectation. I knew I could never meet.

• 21:18Marisa Peer?

  The second thing is they punish me, you think, why would my mind punish me? But when I talk to people, they go, yeah, you know, I had an affair with my friend's boyfriend and I it it caused so many problems and now I've got colitis, I've got autoimmune, which means the body is attacking itself. When I was fifteen, I stole money from my mum's purse and then I never told her, but ever since I've had this chronic irritable bowel, these terrible headaches. I blush all the time. You know, years ago, we used to go to do penance, we were, used to wear hair shirts, but if you have guilt. Your mind's job is to become judge, juror, jailer. Let me punish you.

• 22:02Marisa Peer?

  So punishing ourselves is huge. A lot of people do it, they don't even know why. And the third thing is get attention.

• 22:11Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 22:11Marisa Peer?

  You've all seen kids lying on the floor in the store screaming because they want attention.

• 22:16Lewis Howes?

  That was me.

• 22:16Marisa Peer?

  Getting sick because they want attention.

• 22:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 22:18Marisa Peer?

  You know, many, many children who can't get, if you can't get the love of your parents, the very next best thing is to be sick. It's almost as good.

• 22:27Lewis Howes?

  They have to pay attention.

• 22:28Marisa Peer?

  Yeah. Oh, I didn't think my mom loved them, but she's driving all over town, buying this gluten-free flour, getting this special cream, doing something. And for many kids, being sick is like, oh, I didn't think I mattered, but clearly I do.

• 22:46Lewis Howes?

  In this next section, you'll hear part of my discussion with clinical psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera, where we'll talk about the best coping strategies for stress, the root of a panic attack and how to manage it, the main archetypes of human beings, and the masks we wear to avoid the pain we've felt in the past. Let's dive in. What are the best coping strategies for humans to help us get out of stress and into more peaceful calm states that you've seen?

• 23:18Dr. Nicole LePera?

  The best ones?

• 23:19Lewis Howes?

  The best coping strategies?

• 23:20Dr. Nicole LePera?

  Yeah.

• 23:21Lewis Howes?

  Not like the bad ones, but what are the good ones?

• 23:23Dr. Nicole LePera?

  Yeah, we are, we have the access to the most powerful regulator of stress through our breath. Um, we can learn two things. Um, first, to be just present to or a witness around our bodies' just regular breathing patterns. As simple as this sounds, the way our body breathes, um, if we can cultivate a very full, deep breath, very calming breath, chances are our body in that moment is in that state of relaxation, is receptive to the world around, is feeling safe to express. The large majority of us aren't breathing in that very calm rhythmic way. Most of us have evolved to become chest-based, very shallow breathers.

• 24:06Dr. Nicole LePera?

  And the reason why I even just talk about our natural rhythm is because our mind is constantly scanning our body and its processes, breathing in particular, because for our mind, that's a marker of how aroused we are, how stressed our body is. So what I noticed when I dropped into my body was that I always breathed very shallow from my chest, and at times, I would stop breathing. And that correlated with stress. The more stressed I am, the more I'm actually holding my breath throughout the day. So just that simple act of witnessing, to me, showed evidence of, wow, Nicole, your body is stressed out, day in and day out, regardless of what's happening in the actual current moment. Your body continues to send signals of stress.

• 24:51Dr. Nicole LePera?

  And the reason why listeners who might struggle with anxiety or panic, as I once did, why this is problematic is because, like I said, our mind is scanning down, and it's going to begin to then think stressful thoughts. It's going to scan the environment for what's wrong. And as we all know, we're very good at identifying what's wrong in that moment. And then before we know it, the reason why I offer this is now we're caught in a loop. Because now I'm thinking stressful thoughts, further activating my body. So dropping in, noticing our body's natural rhythms can give us some clues as to how activated we are. And then, of course, the next action step we can take, if you're living in an overactivated nervous system as I am, is to begin to harness intentional breathing,

• 25:33Dr. Nicole LePera?

  beginning to either direct my breath down into my belly if I am in that shallow, stressed-out, activated state, or if you're, like I described earlier, having no energy, almost feel like you're not here energetically, we actually want to cultivate that chest base, the more wim-haw, shallow, activated tool of breath work to activate our nervous system, to actually up our energy into our system. So we can use breath work in either direction to control our body's responses. And while this is great for the body, and why I talk about it is it can build body balance back in, as many of us need it, it's also so empowering. Now, right, through an intention, through doing something differently, I can actually

• 26:17Dr. Nicole LePera?

  create change. And I speak as someone who did suffer from debilitating anxiety and panic attacks, and I know how overwhelming and out of control that can feel. So I mentioned that last piece of empowerment for all of those suffering with anxiety out there, because that can be the steps back to actually creating change and saying, hey, wait, I can control my body, and my body doesn't have to control me when it hits that peak of panic.

• 26:44Lewis Howes?

  What is happening when someone is in a panic attack? Like, what were the feelings like? How long did it last? And how does someone get out of a panic attack moment?

• 26:53Dr. Nicole LePera?

  So panic, and again, I'm just simplifying it for understanding purposes, it's that ultimate state of nervous system activation, when your body is literally geared up to fight, flight, or flee, which is usually what happens next. We go into that old coping tool, or that old resource that we once used. It feels very different for each of us. Some of us actually think it can feel, as I once did, like a heart attack.

• 27:18Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 27:18Dr. Nicole LePera?

  I describe an episode in my book where I had just gotten home, I was in a psychoanalytic training program, and as part of my training, every Saturday, I would sit in courses to learn how to be a practitioner of the work of psychoanalysis, and one of my courses was a group model, where I was a participant in group psychoanalytic therapy. So, anyone listening who's been in any therapy, a lot of feelings can come up. So, it was a particularly emotional group I had had that morning. And I came home, and I was with my partner at the time, and long story short, I started to have symptoms. I started to feel sweaty. I started to feel clammy. I almost turned gray looking. And my heart, in particular, started to beat.

• 28:03Dr. Nicole LePera?

  Problematically or of concern. It was pounding. It just felt weird. And I'm someone who had had panic attacks before. I know a panic attack can mimic a heart attack. Yet I was in my down puffy coat curled up in a ball with my cellphone in my hands just waiting to call 911 because I was convinced that this must be something that's physiologically wrong with me. So some of us, it can feel like a heart attack. Some of us, it's just that elevation where my heart feels like it's through the roof. I might get that panicked feeling like I'm crawling out of my skin. And it's very, very scary. And what it is, again, it's an extreme state of that nervous system activation.

• 28:42Dr. Nicole LePera?

  So the best tool is to help our nervous system go back into that peaceful, calm, safe place. Now, this is where I want to acknowledge that those of us who are in the throes of a panic attack and have never practiced intentional breathing or breath work probably aren't going to be successful. And this is, of course, what we want to do. We want to use the tool only when we need it. This is where we really want to learn how to cultivate that balance in our bodies outside of that 10 moment, outside of that acute where panic is crashing down around me. We want to consistently learn how to drop into our bodies. Take a temperature check. How safe is my body? Am I in activation mode or am I calm?

• 29:23Dr. Nicole LePera?

  And when I'm not calm, learning how to balance my body then so that when, as I feel my panic obviously increasing over time, I can learn how to down-regulate myself.

• 29:34Lewis Howes?

  Is the panic attacks, what's the root of that? Is it someone not being aware of their body and breathing? Is it allowing stressful thoughts to come in? Is it all of it stacking up over time and then there's a breaking point? What is the root of panic attacks?

• 29:49Dr. Nicole LePera?

  It becomes all of it over time because our nervous system works outside of our awareness. And we have a function. It's called neuroception. It's essentially where we're constantly scanning the environment, energies even included.

• 30:02Lewis Howes?

  We're not even aware of it.

• 30:03Dr. Nicole LePera?

  We're not even aware.

• 30:04Lewis Howes?

  Our body, our eyes.

• 30:05Dr. Nicole LePera?

  And it's primed to look for threat. However, threat gets defined based on our past experiences. This is how we can't kind of extricate the two. So something that felt overwhelming back here continues to color my world in my now moment.

• 30:20Lewis Howes?

  Even if it's not really happening.

• 30:21Dr. Nicole LePera?

  Outside of my awareness. Right. So that's really important to consider. That's the feeling that many of us get when we maybe walk into the room or up that alley and just something feels off. We're responding, our nervous system is always responding to everything in the moment. However, it's doing so based on our past moments. So we could be throwing ourself, unbeknownst to ourselves, into nervous system activation. And some of us are living in it all day long.

• 30:49Lewis Howes?

  Crazy. When we feel stressed,

• 30:55Lewis Howes?

  is it affecting the actual brain? Or is it affecting the mind? And how do we regulate the two? Of the thoughts, the ideas, the mind, the consciousness, I guess, the awareness, or the brain, the physical brain itself? What is stress going up into the brain? Or is it actually attacking the mind, kind of like outside of the brain?

• 31:18Dr. Nicole LePera?

  Can affect both. It affects the brain structure in two ways. The first way is through actual inflammation.

• 31:26Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 31:26Dr. Nicole LePera?

  Stress, the cortisol that typically is associated with stress, activates our body, activates immune system responses, where inflammation is the predominant response. Our brain is actually covered by a very thin film, a blood-brain barrier that's very penetrable. Things can get through. And one of the issues is when inflammation actually lands within our brain. So that can begin to cause structural changes in our brain, as can our mind. The way we think, the way we process our brain, can actually change the brain pathways, the systems, areas that we're firing up more frequently than other areas. With the most predominant one, so many of us are living from our emotional brain,

• 32:10Dr. Nicole LePera?

  our amygdala, hippocampus, all of those deeper centers, as opposed to our prefrontal cortex. So this is why it gets complicated. And there are very many brain scans out there of depressed individuals, of anxious individuals, of individuals diagnosed with ADHD or ADD, of autistic, right? All of these diagnoses map onto the brain showing changes, though it's the chicken or the egg conversation. Because those changes, my argument, is occur as a result of the human's functioning. I believe as far back as in utero. I know that my system was impacted by my mom. By the hormones raging through her body because I was sharing that body. I was sharing a blood source.

• 32:55Dr. Nicole LePera?

  I go as far to believe my mom's beliefs, her thoughts about herself, about me as a baby in her belly, about what my future would be, were impacting, again, my developing. So our environments, I believe, begin to shape us. So hypothetically, I could have came out as a baby infant showing, like I likely did, structural changes in my brain, possibly even an upregulated nervous system. Hard to differentiate whether genetically that's just what it was for me, or again, whether my earliest environment shaped. And I believe in the science of epigenetics, that our environments are always shaping ourselves down to our physiology.

• 33:34Lewis Howes?

  Our genetics. Our environment is shaping our DNA.

• 33:38Dr. Nicole LePera?

  Shaping our DNA and then shaping our systems, shaping how our brain looks and functions, shaping how our body looks and functions.

• 33:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Well, what's that study where they put like love and anger on water bottles? Did you ever see that?

• 33:53Dr. Nicole LePera?

  The ice, yes.

• 33:54Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, the ice. And then it's either like dark crystals, like dead crystal, you know? It's like these beautiful snowflakes. I can't remember what that study was or that test.

• 34:02Dr. Nicole LePera?

  Yeah, where they did the frequency of different emotions. And had that ice that would freeze, I guess, ultimately, and it would crystallize in different structural. And it's beautiful because what I see is that shows evidence of how impactful the things that we can't see are. And I think the collective is waking up to the reality that there are a lot of these things that we can't see. There are energies, there are inner knowings, there are messages of all sorts that, again, we're responding to outside of our awareness that are there, even though we can't see them or the science isn't showing it in the graph that fits very comfortably into our human mind. Anytime we're in that expansive unknown, it's very uncomfortable for us as humans.

• 34:47Lewis Howes?

  It's like we can't see our thoughts, but those thoughts will impact us, right? Will impact our, our structure of our brain, our body, how we feel when we think a certain thing as well, and the environment. You, you mentioned people pleasing, overachiever kind of archetype, right? What are the different types of archetypes that human beings have? Is one people pleaser, overachiever? What are the main ones, I guess?

• 35:11Dr. Nicole LePera?

  So, just an archetype, so we're having, everyone knows what we're talking about here. Again, it's a very conditioned, patterned way of being. We don't, as humans typically, fall neatly. Some of us might see ourself in only one archetype. Some of us might see evidence in different archetypes. We might see different sides of ourself in different types of relationships. So, multiple archetypes might apply. Again, they're not, you know, be-all, end-all categories, but they're general ways of being. Typically, how we're relating to others in relationships or to the world at large. So, I mentioned the overachiever because that's one of my predominant ones. Some others are the caretaker. The person who's always endlessly showing up to service others' needs.

• 35:55Lewis Howes?

  But never their own.

• 35:56Dr. Nicole LePera?

  Never their own. The yes person, who can't say no, who's always, again, in another model of service. There's a hero worshipper archetype, always outsourcing, always looking for the person or the thing that has an answer as opposed to within life of the party, another archetype that's pretty common. The person who never allows any negative, if you will, even though I don't love those words, sadness, any lower kind of vibration energy to be part of their experience. They're always happy, everything's always great. Again, acknowledging that there's a range of human emotion and if we're cutting off, you know, the negative, we're usually cutting off aspects of our lived experience.

• 36:39Dr. Nicole LePera?

  So, they're general ways of being. Typically, maybe listeners can know kind of the way they show up in relationships. If not, being a witness, seeing, how are you showing up? What is your primary mode of relating to other people? This is based in the idea that typically our primary modes of relating are based on our earliest relationships. We get very repetitive. So, I was, like I described, my overachievement didn't start in adulthood. I began to assume that role in my childhood relationships, the person who's always performing in one way or another or trying to keep the peace in one way or another.

• 37:19Lewis Howes?

  That's me, keeping the peace was me, for sure. And so, if we are aware of that first, kind of our main archetypes, is the next step learning how to heal? Or is it learning how to reparent? Or what would be the next phase that we should? In doing the work.

• 37:36Dr. Nicole LePera?

  So the first, as I always acknowledge, for some of us, just having that awareness.

• 37:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, it's huge.

• 37:41Dr. Nicole LePera?

  I'm continuing to have my needs unmet in relationships because that's usually the byproduct of assuming roles or wearing these masks is my full self isn't being expressed, or I'm chronically not acknowledging any of my needs. For some of us, acknowledging that role and typically where it came from, though that's not mandatory, you don't need to know the thing that hurt me, but for some of us, that can be relieving, that can offer an alternate version of narration as opposed to I'm broken, which is usually where we end up. Oh, I'm unfulfilled in my relationships because I'm unlovable, because something's wrong with me. So for some of us, just having that awareness, no, I'm the overachiever, I'm the caretaker because of things that have happened as a result of my experiences. For some of us, that's healing in and of itself.

• 38:27Lewis Howes?

  Is that, are these coping mechanisms then?

• 38:29Dr. Nicole LePera?

  Typically.

• 38:29Lewis Howes?

  These kind of master archetypes, like we do this because...

• 38:32Dr. Nicole LePera?

  Our way of being becomes, I call it the onion. We, by the time we're in adulthood, we're living such a conditioned way, typically as a result of coping with something that was too overwhelming or too difficult at one time.

• 38:44Lewis Howes?

  And the coping, is it all back to feeling seen, heard, and acknowledged? Is it like we do these things so that someone sees us or acknowledges us?

• 38:52Dr. Nicole LePera?

  In my opinion. And/or to then, as a byproduct, avoid the pain that once was.

• 39:02Lewis Howes?

  In this next section, we dive into my conversation with Lori Ghalib, a psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone. In this section, we discuss what happens when we don't deal with our emotions constructively, how to live with a true sense of vitality, how to take responsibility for your own happiness, and tools to help you heal from the damaging effects of shame. What happens when we never deal with our emotions or feelings?

• 39:31Lori Gottlieb?

  Well, you first of all, get sick.

• 39:34Lewis Howes?

  Physically sick, emotionally sick, mentally.

• 39:36Lori Gottlieb?

  Everything, everything, right? So we have, just like we have a physical immune system, we have a psychological immune system. And we have to take care of our psychological immune system. So it's just like, you know, what do you do to keep healthy with your body? Like, you're gonna eat right, you're gonna exercise, you know, you're gonna do all the things that you wanna do to take care of yourself. You're gonna get enough sleep. Those things also help your psychological immune system. They're not totally separate. The mind-body connection is profound. But at the same time, you know, are you going to be around people who don't nourish you? That's going to hurt your psychological immune system. That's gonna make you sick. Are you gonna stuff down your feelings? That's going to make you sick. And so, how do we take care of ourselves?

• 40:19Lori Gottlieb?

  And part of it is, instead of trying to numb out your feelings, because numbness isn't the absence of feelings. Numbness is a state of being overwhelmed by too many feelings.

• 40:28Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 40:29Lori Gottlieb?

  And then, not only do you not experience the feelings that you don't want to experience, but you don't experience the other feelings. You mute one feeling, you mute the others. You mute the pain, you mute the joy. So you're living in this state where you don't actually get to feel the range of feelings that make us human.

• 40:46Lewis Howes?

  What is that state called?

• 40:48Lori Gottlieb?

  I would say, I was gonna say dead. I mean, I feel like you can be alive, but not living. And that's what happens to people, is that they're alive, they're going through the motions, they wake up every day, but they're not really living their lives.

• 41:02Lewis Howes?

  What's an assessment we could take for ourselves, if someone's listening or watching, to ask themselves how alive or how dead they are? And if the people in their life closest are actually good for them? Or are hurting their psychological states?

• 41:17Lori Gottlieb?

  Right.

• 41:17Lewis Howes?

  Is there a questionnaire we could take, like, just off the cuff? Is there an assessment? Is there a few things we could ask ourselves?

• 41:23Lori Gottlieb?

  Yeah, I mean, I think that it has to do with a sense of vitality, right? Which, of course, like, vitality, the word, like, life is right in there. When you wake up in the morning... Are you excited about what you're doing? Is there meaning in what you're doing? Do you feel connected to how you're spending your days? Because at the end of your life, are you gonna look back and say, "What did I do that was meaningful?" You know, and maybe you should talk to someone. In my book, there's a woman that I treat. She's this young woman who goes on her honeymoon. She's newly married. She comes back and she has cancer. And she says to me at one point, she says, "Why do we need a terminal diagnosis?"

• 42:00Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, to have a wake-up call.

• 42:02Lori Gottlieb?

  Why do we need a terminal diagnosis to live our lives with intention? Why do we need that to really pay attention? And I think that if we can keep the awareness of death, sitting on one shoulder, and I don't mean in a morbid way or in a creepy way. It's not depressing. It's actually, again, going back to vitality, it helps us feel alive because life has 100% mortality rate, and that's not for other people. We like to believe that, right? And so, the thing is that if we know that we have a limited time here, I think we would pay more attention to what we're actually doing every day.

• 42:36Lewis Howes?

  Why is it so hard for people to pay attention?

• 42:38Lori Gottlieb?

  Fear.

• 42:39Lewis Howes?

  But they feel like they're stuck sometimes for years.

• 42:43Lori Gottlieb?

  Yes.

• 42:43Lewis Howes?

  It's like I stay stuck in a relationship that's, I know it's not right for me for years. I stay in a depressed state for years. I stay in a job that I hate for years. It's all based on fear.

• 42:55Lori Gottlieb?

  Well, I think it is fear. You know, I think it's fear of uncertainty. This is gonna sound strange, but change is really hard because we cling to something that's familiar to us. So even though we may know, "Oh, this would help me. This would be a good change for me." We don't do it because it's unfamiliar. And so, if you grew up with a lot of chaos, if you grew up feeling sad all the time or anxious all the time, that feels like home to you, even if it's unpleasant or even miserable.

• 43:24Lewis Howes?

  She'll keep finding chaotic.

• 43:26Lori Gottlieb?

  Right, you keep recreating it. Yeah, and so, and so, you know, it was funny, because, because my own therapist gave me this great analogy. He said to me, he said, "You remind me of this cartoon, and it's of a prisoner shaking the bars, desperately trying to get out, but on the right and the left, it's open, right? No bars. So basically, the prisoner is not in jail. And that's what so many of us are like. We feel like we're trapped. We're not in jail. We can change. We can just walk around the bars. But why don't we? Because with freedom, the freedom to walk around the bars, comes responsibility. And if we're responsible for our own lives, that scares us. We feel like, "Oh, I don't know if I can do that. I don't know if I'm competent enough to do that." Or, "Now, I'm to blame if things don't go right. I can't blame it on everything else."

• 44:12Lewis Howes?

  Is this one of the reasons why inmates, after a long time being in prison, who get out, go back into prison, because they feel like they need to be back in that environment? Or are there other reasons?

• 44:21Lori Gottlieb?

  I think there are other reasons. I think we don't give people the support when they come out. You know, they, the mental health issues that they needed to be treated for were whenever, you know, they never got that support. And then they come out, and, and they're back in the same situation where they don't have that community support.

• 44:39Lewis Howes?

  Why is it so hard for us to take responsibility for our own happiness?

• 44:42Lori Gottlieb?

  I think that if you grew up in a household where you were seen and heard and understood, those are the people who do take responsibility for their own happiness. I think for people who felt like they were ripped off in their childhoods, there's a part of them that's still in a fight. There's a part of them that still wants that redo. And so, it's kind of like, they're not aware of this, but what they're saying is basically, "I will not change, Mom and Dad, until you give me the things that I did not get in childhood."

• 45:13Lewis Howes?

  So they'll go find a partner that... Emulates their environment from mom and dad and try to change them so they

• 45:20Lori Gottlieb?

  Well, right, this is the irony of relationship, right? For those people who have not sort of worked through it. This is so common. And I think all of us have this piece in us, right? Because nobody had a perfect childhood. So what happens is people say, okay, when I'm an adult, I'm going to pick a partner who really makes me feel nourished, who really gives me all those things that I did not get growing up. But what they don't realize is unconsciously, they have this radar for the people who are who look very different from their parents on the surface. But then, once they get into that relationship, it's kind of like, uh-oh, this feels familiar, right? And so what they did was their unconscious said, when they were picking their partner, hey, you look familiar, come closer. Even though in consciously, they thought,

• 46:04Lori Gottlieb?

  oh, you're totally different from my parents. I'm gonna, this is gonna work out great. But no, they have radar for that. If they haven't worked out the stuff that's sort of their unfinished business. There's this saying, we marry our unfinished business. We actually do marry our unfinished business. So that is why it is so important as an adult to take responsibility and say, you know what? I'm going to have to grieve this loss of what I didn't get. And I'm going to have to work through this and assess where I am as an adult so that I pick people and surround myself with people who are healthy for me.

• 46:35Lewis Howes?

  What if you've chosen someone that you love deeply, but it's unconsciously your unfinished business? Is that the wrong person for you? Once you realize, oh, they're never gonna change? Or is that a point for us to reflect back and say, actually, I need to heal the past, accept this person for who they are, and be willing to flow within this relationship?

• 46:57Lori Gottlieb?

  Well, what happens is so you married your unfinished business, but so did they. And so if you can both recognize that, if you realize, hey, wait, we have a lot of conflict in our relationship. Or we're really avoidant in our relationship. Or we don't feel connected in the way we want to feel connected. That's a great opportunity for both of you to work out your unfinished business.

• 47:16Lewis Howes?

  To heal together.

• 47:17Lori Gottlieb?

  To heal together, right.

• 47:19Lewis Howes?

  And so that relationship could thrive.

• 47:22Lori Gottlieb?

  If you both are willing to look in the mirror at yourselves and do the work. Yes, that could be a really beautiful relationship. And it could be very healing for both of you, in fact.

• 47:32Lewis Howes?

  It could potentially be the strongest bond ever if you both were able to go through that. But if you're unwilling to go through that. Then what? You're gonna be in pain.

• 47:40Lori Gottlieb?

  Right, well, both people have to be willing. I mean, that's the thing. So, it's like you may wake up one day and say, "Oh, wait a minute. I have all this unfinished business." And then your partner says, "Yeah, it's all you. You're the problem in the relationship." You know, it's kind of like in couples therapy so often. I'll see something like, someone will say like, "You never listen to me." And I'll say, "How well do you listen to them?"

• 47:59Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 48:00Lori Gottlieb?

  Right, it's always like...

• 48:01Lewis Howes?

  If you're just yelling at someone all day, are they gonna wanna listen to you?

• 48:03Lori Gottlieb?

  Right, right. So, you know, there's this dance that we do in relationship. And what happens is people are doing these dance steps. And people become very, they become very ingrained. It's like, "Oh, here we go." You can script out people's arguments. You know exactly what they're gonna look like.

• 48:17Lewis Howes?

  It starts with one thing and then it goes back into many different things. You're like, "Oh, man."

• 48:20Lori Gottlieb?

  And you know exactly how it's gonna go and who's gonna feel what and who's gonna accuse the other person of what. And that's the dance. And so if one person changes their dance steps, the other person either is going to fall flat on the dance floor or they're gonna have to change their steps too if they wanna keep dancing.

• 48:35Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 48:36Lori Gottlieb?

  And usually, so we always say, "You can't change another person, but you can influence another person."

• 48:41Lewis Howes?

  How?

• 48:42Lori Gottlieb?

  By changing your dance steps. So, for example, we like to say insight is the booby prize of therapy. Meaning, you can, people will come and they'll be like, "Oh, now I understand why I keep getting into that argument with my partner." And so then they go home and they come back the next week. And I'll say, "Well, did you do something different when you got in that argument?" "Well, no, but I understand why I did."

• 48:59Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 48:59Lori Gottlieb?

  So, you have to be both vulnerable and accountable when you come to therapy.

• 49:03Lewis Howes?

  Why is that so hard for people? To see someone else's perspective?

• 49:06Lori Gottlieb?

  Well, two things. One is because, you know, that unreliable narrator thing, that we think that we are right. And we don't wanna be told. And so what we hear when we say there's another perspective, we're not saying you're wrong. We're saying there's more to the story. So, there's a difference between their perspective is valid as well is not saying your version is wrong. We're saying there's more. So people hear it, though, as you are wrong. And the other part of it is that there's a lot of shame. That people are sticking to a certain story because if they allow that other part of the story to come in, the part that they're responsible for will probably come up, and they feel a lot of shame. So when I see individuals in therapy, they come in and they tell me

• 49:51Lori Gottlieb?

  a story, and they leave out the parts that they are embarrassed about, the parts that they feel like, that was not my finest moment.

• 49:58Lewis Howes?

  Like what? Give me an example, like, why I screamed back, or I did this.

• 50:01Lori Gottlieb?

  Yeah, yeah, like, you know, here's what happened, or here's, here's, this is, this is the situation, and my, my partner did this, or my mother did this, or my child did this, or my boss did this, whatever. And they don't tell you these other details, and they sort of trickle out later on.

• 50:16Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 50:17Lori Gottlieb?

  And they're very relevant to the story.

• 50:19Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 50:20Lori Gottlieb?

  But that's shame, right? And so, you know, that's why the therapeutic relationship is so important, because you get to a point where you really trust the therapist, and you're able to be really honest about what happened.

• 50:32Lewis Howes?

  How much does shame shape our stories?

• 50:35Lori Gottlieb?

  Oh, so much. I think that, you know, as humans, we want to belong. And what shame is about is, I'm not going to belong. I'm not going to be loved. The greatest human need is, you know, how can we love and be loved? And when you feel like, there's something I did that people will look upon badly, they might not like me if I tell them this. That's just, you know, wired into us.

• 51:01Lewis Howes?

  It's like the ego death to us. It's like the emotional death. It's like, if someone knew this about us, they would not love me, and I would emotionally die.

• 51:09Lori Gottlieb?

  And I would be alone.

• 51:10Lewis Howes?

  And I'll be alone, yeah.

• 51:11Lori Gottlieb?

  Yeah, and we need other people.

• 51:13Lewis Howes?

  I felt like this way for many years, where I opened up about sexual abuse about seven years ago, and for 25 years, no one knew, because I was so ashamed. And I felt like if anyone knew, how could they possibly love me?

• 51:25Lori Gottlieb?

  Yeah.

• 51:26Lewis Howes?

  Or accept me? Or how would anyone want to date me? Or my family, how would they not disown me? These were the stories that I was writing. I was a bad editor.

• 51:33Lori Gottlieb?

  Yeah.

• 51:35Lewis Howes?

  How does someone who's done something that they're not proud of in the past, who's had something done to them that they're not proud of, whatever, they've been in a situation that they feel shame around, how does someone start to process that shame to heal so that it doesn't continue to run their life and keep them imprisoned?

• 51:54Lori Gottlieb?

  Yeah. Well, I think they do what you did, which is you started talking about it. And I think you have to choose your audience, which is really important, especially as you're just starting out. So you want to make sure that-

• 52:07Lewis Howes?

  Don't tell your abuser,

• 52:10Lewis Howes?

  who's the toxic relationship who's there.

• 52:12Lori Gottlieb?

  Well, you know, I think you have to really choose someone who's safe. And if you don't have those people, you know, I think a therapist is a really good place to start. But I do think that it's harder for men to talk about anything, whether it's sexual abuse or even, you know, just sort of like, anything they feel vulnerable about. And so men will come into my office and they will say to me at some point, you know, "I've never told anyone this before."

• 52:37Lewis Howes?

  Do women say that?

• 52:38Lori Gottlieb?

  Yes. So here's the thing. Women will say that. They'll say, "I've never told anyone this before, except for my mother, my sister, and my best friend."

• 52:46Lewis Howes?

  You're the only one who I don't know-

• 52:47Lori Gottlieb?

  You're the only one, right, right.

• 52:49Lewis Howes?

  Who I haven't told this to.

• 52:50Lori Gottlieb?

  I told my book club, I told, you know, whatever it is. They've told like a few people, but they feel like, because women, it's acceptable for women to talk about these things. And so they feel like they haven't told anyone because they still feel like there's some degree of privacy around it. Men literally have told no one. And even if they have like a great partner and they have close friends, you know, they have a great family, whatever it is, they feel like, "I cannot tell anyone" because vulnerability for men in our culture is not okay. Even though we say that, so this is funny-

• 53:23Lewis Howes?

  Even though women say, "I wish she would open up. I wish she'd be emotional. I wish she would cry and be more sensitive." But then when they are, they're like, "I need you to be strong right now."

• 53:32Lori Gottlieb?

  Right. So this is exactly what happens in couples therapy. So I'll have two people sitting on the couch and I have a couple. And say it's a heterosexual couple and the woman says to the man, like, "I really want to get to know you. I feel like we would connect so much more if you would just open up to me. I want to know what's going on inside there, right?" And he does. And let's say he tears up. Let's say he actually starts crying in a way where like his body is convulsing, right? She looks at me like deer in headlights.

• 54:02Lewis Howes?

  So how do I do?

• 54:03Lori Gottlieb?

  She's so profoundly uncomfortable.

• 54:05Lewis Howes?

  Gosh.

• 54:06Lori Gottlieb?

  And yet, this is the thing that she was asking for. So what she'll say is, "I don't feel safe when you don't open up to me. And I don't feel safe when you're vulnerable with me." Like, there's like, it's a Goldilocks. It's like, not too much, not too little, but right in the middle. That's how vulnerable you can be with me.

• 54:26Lewis Howes?

  I've been saying this for a long time, that I feel like this is one of the main things that hurts all intimate relationships.

• 54:33Lori Gottlieb?

  Yes.

• 54:34Lewis Howes?

  When a person doesn't feel safe to share their emotions to the person that says they love them the most. And actually makes them wrong for it, or makes them less than, or retracts their love when they're vulnerable. So, I don't know the solution for this, besides saying this all the time, and besides saying, ladies, like, if you want a vulnerable man who's emotional, you have to accept him when he's emotional.

• 54:58Lori Gottlieb?

  Well, not just accept, but embrace. I mean, that's the thing.

• 55:00Lewis Howes?

  Encourage.

• 55:01Lori Gottlieb?

  Encourage that.

• 55:01Lewis Howes?

  Because it's so much harder for a man, in general, in our society, to be vulnerable based on what we've grown up with, and based on what we see, that if you're not encouraging it consistently, and celebrating it almost, why would you expect them to keep opening up when they have something they want to share, if you're gonna make them wrong for it?

• 55:22Lori Gottlieb?

  Well, right. So that's exactly what happens. There's somebody I write about in the book, who, you know, there's this tragedy that happens in the family, and he feels like he has to be the rock for the family.

• 55:33Lewis Howes?

  Always, right?

• 55:34Lori Gottlieb?

  He's like, "My wife, she can cry about this, she can be sad about this, but if I break down, I'm the thing holding everything up." And that was just not true. Actually, that was the thing that was making their marriage not work, that was making him feel anxious, and not sleep, and not function well, right? And that was the thing that got his wife to, at a certain point, saying like, "I can't be in this marriage if we can't connect." But he thought he had to be the rock for the whole family. He could not feel his feelings. And instead, what happened was, when he finally said, "No, actually, this is tearing me apart too," that's when they started healing. That's when they started getting close to each other again.

• 56:13Lewis Howes?

  In this last part, you'll hear from bestselling author and spiritual leader Gabby Bernstein, who talks about using the tapping method when feeling stressed or triggered, how to become more authentic and vulnerable, the secret to manifestation, and the difference between wanting and needing, and how that affects the actions we take in life.

• 56:33Gabby Bernstein?

  One of the great practices for really releasing unresolved emotional disturbances is a practice called Emotional Freedom Technique, which you're familiar with, something I practice, our friends at the Ortners practice and teach. It's called tapping, Emotional Freedom Technique, or otherwise known as EFT. And what's beautiful about a practice like tapping, and I'm going to give that one and a few others, what's beautiful about a practice like tapping is that you can take a thought or a belief, or just a feeling that you're having in the moment, and you can tap on it, which is meaning that you tap on these different energy meridians on your face, and your chest, under your arm, and your head,

• 57:17Gabby Bernstein?

  while you talk about the emotional disturbance. And what that does is it releases the amygdala's fight-flight response. It stimulates the vagus nerve, which regulates your nervous system, and it allows your nervous system to calm down and settle.

• 57:34Gabby Bernstein?

  And then when you're in a more settled state, that's when you become safe enough to start to redirect and move into a more elevated way of thinking. The more you practice a pattern like this, a pattern like EFT, and I'll name a few others,

• 57:52Gabby Bernstein?

  the more you actually are working with the thoughts, but also working with the feelings, and therefore the beliefs, to regulate and then redirect. It's like how Dan Siegel says about children, you have to connect, then redirect. You can't just yell at a kid and say, "Do it better." You have to connect, honor their feelings, respect where they're at, find out what's up with them. When you notice that they settle, that's when you can say, "Hey, do you think we could go and try that again?" So that's, we have to care for our parts in that way as well. So through E F T, you can go through these different rounds of expressing the emotional disturbance while tapping, which then regulates your, your energy field in that belief system and brings

• 58:37Gabby Bernstein?

  it to a special, loving, connected, more centered baseline. At which point in that new baseline, that's when you can redirect and begin to tap on what it is that you do want to feel, or what is working, or what is supportive in that moment.

• 58:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 58:51Gabby Bernstein?

  That's one method.

• 58:53Lewis Howes?

  I love that. Yeah, I think for me, I've been doing a lot of just breath work in general. When I feel overwhelmed, stressed and anxious, instead of, you know, staying in that pain, I really try to connect my body to my breath and breathe through my entire body so that I can calm myself down and then ask myself, is this a feeling or a thought that is supporting me, or is it something connected to my past that I haven't worked on yet? So breath work is another technique that I think has been really helpful. Uh, you know, there's a lot of extreme physical activities like ice baths and saunas and other things to connect to the body so that you can start to really kind of release some of those things, but just feel more connected to it and see how can you move beyond it? Like, like tapping, which I think is really powerful.

• 59:37Lewis Howes?

  So any type of physical and thought-related process I'm hearing you say could be powerful and just figure out, figure out what works for you.

• 59:48Gabby Bernstein?

  A tool we can give your folks right now is actually a tapping method similar to what you were referring to with breath work. It's like, there's a point which is called the gamut point, which I like to refer to as the holy shit point. And it's between your pinky finger and your ring finger, right there.

• 1:00:01Lewis Howes?

  Okay, right here.

• 1:00:03Gabby Bernstein?

  And that's the point when you notice yourself in that freak out, that trigger, that I want to, you know, I want to throw something. Step aside, tap this point, and you could say an affirmation like, I'm safe. Just breathe. I'm safe. I'm safe. Or you could say, I'm loved, I'm supported. Really, I like, I'm safe because remember, like I said, under every trigger is the feeling of not being safe.

• 1:00:38Gabby Bernstein?

  I'm safe and just tap that point. That is a, it's a, it's a, it's a quick resolution that we all have in our, in our, you know, in our hands. We have all access. Another one would be your right hand on your heart and your left hand on your belly. And to your point, breath work, breathing inhale and extending your diaphragm and exhale, releasing it, or even inhaling for two quick breaths and exhaling with a long exhalation. And that will really just begin to stimulate your nervous system in a way to just tells your body, relax.

• 1:01:11Gabby Bernstein?

  You can say all the right things, but if your body ain't connected to what you're saying, then it's gonna, it's still gonna just stay in the cycle.

• 1:01:19Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. So you gotta connect the body with the belief as well. It's powerful. The feeling with the thought and, and match them both. I'm a big believer that when we doubt ourselves consistently, it's hard to manifest what we want. It's hard to attract when we live in doubt.

• 1:01:40Lewis Howes?

  And self-confidence is something that I think is, it's hard for a lot of people, especially in the last year, to, to stay confident under chaos. What have been some of your strategies or tools or techniques to build inner confidence, whole confidence, complete confidence, not reliant on what's happening on the external world?

• 1:01:59Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah. What a nice question. One of my main methods for establishing inner confidence that's not relying on, on the outside world is to become more me, to be more authentic, more vulnerable, more, more real, more, more willing to tell the truth, more willing to be radically honest.

• 1:02:24Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:25Gabby Bernstein?

  Because when I'm just being me,

• 1:02:29Gabby Bernstein?

  I have nothing to prove.

• 1:02:35Gabby Bernstein?

  I'm just

• 1:02:35Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:02:37Gabby Bernstein?

  in the truth of who I am. And I also know that that's all that anyone else outside of me wants as well. It's just that truth. All you want from someone is that truth. I think that's why you and I have gotten closer as friends because we've gotten more honest with each other and more honest with ourselves, right, as humans. So we can, we can pick up the phone and just feel that connection. So I, I, I, I think that the, one of the secrets to, to confidence is to accept that your authentic truth is the coolest part of who you are.

• 1:03:11Gabby Bernstein?

  That's when we can start to lay down the pretenses of who we think we should be.

• 1:03:16Lewis Howes?

  Not your authentic truth is bad and not good enough or lacking.

• 1:03:22Gabby Bernstein?

  Weird or, yeah. Just, just be real.

• 1:03:28Gabby Bernstein?

  Be real in the moment. You know, I interviewed somebody recently and she was like, I'm just so nervous. I'm so nervous. And I was like, that's cool. Like, you're nervous. Okay.

• 1:03:37Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:37Gabby Bernstein?

  Let's just be with the nervousness. Thank you for telling me you were nervous. Because it, you know, it clears the air. It allows me to be present with where you're at in this moment and not feel uncomfortable in your discomfort. Say it like it is. Just tell the freaking truth.

• 1:03:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:54Gabby Bernstein?

  This is what's up for me.

• 1:03:57Gabby Bernstein?

  This is where I'm at.

• 1:03:59Lewis Howes?

  Any other strategies for building self-confidence?

• 1:04:03Gabby Bernstein?

  Yes, many.

• 1:04:07Gabby Bernstein?

  One form of self-confidence for me has come through unwavering faith in a spiritual connection. Because when I, as a result of really being devoted to believing that there is a presence beyond me.

• 1:04:27Gabby Bernstein?

  In the service of what is of the highest good for me and for all, has given me this level of certainty that I dreamt of, that I can now live and stand by.

• 1:04:40Gabby Bernstein?

  Therefore, when things are not working out the way I planned, I know there's a better plan. When something is delayed, I know that it's because there's something better coming. When there is rejection, I can see it as protection. Because I have a belief system that there is a higher presence, that there's a presence of a higher power. Spirit guides my grandmother, ancestors, working with me to co-create this life that I am living. So I don't feel alone anymore, because one of the big reasons we feel we lack confidence is because we feel so alone.

• 1:05:16Gabby Bernstein?

  And so really feeling a presence of spiritual connection by your side. There's a beautiful message from A Course in Miracles. If you knew who walked beside you on the path that you have chosen, fear would be impossible.

• 1:05:28Lewis Howes?

  I just got chills. That is

• 1:05:32Lewis Howes?

  if you could actually believe in the unseen. And if that was true, but you just can't see it, and but you could feel it, then it would be a lot different life.

• 1:05:44Gabby Bernstein?

  Right. I actually asked in one of my books, I think the the chapter title of one in a chapter title in The Universe Has Your Back, maybe, was how would you live if you knew you were being guided?

• 1:05:57Lewis Howes?

  Well, I mean, this is something that a lot of the, I would say, radical Christ followers. You you see people who are, you know, just believe in in Christ and that Christ is guiding them and working through them and all these things.

• 1:06:17Lewis Howes?

  Those people have a sense of certainty and faith and trust and connection to a spiritual, uh, you know, to their, their spiritual truth. And I think it's, it's beautiful to see whether you believe or agree with it or not. It's, it's beautiful to see the power that someone has or the letting go of fear that someone has when they believe in something greater than themselves or their fears. And again, whether you want to call it Jesus or, you know, your ancestors or whatever you want to call the thing that works for you. I think it's important to find something beyond, well, I'm alone here on this earth and what's the purpose? Cause then you're going to be really scared and messed up.

• 1:06:56Gabby Bernstein?

  Totally, totally. And that's been my whole career has been about helping people recognize and identify a spiritual connection of their own understanding.

• 1:07:04Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:07:05Gabby Bernstein?

  So it doesn't have to be a religious spirit. It doesn't have to be Gabby Bernstein's definition. It's your faith statement, your own understanding. To crack you open to what that means to you. It doesn't matter what it looks like, what it sounds like, what it's, what you call it. But it's that you start to rely on it, on a presence beyond your own. I love to say too, that we, the secret to manifesting, the secret to attracting what you want is to forget what you think you need. Because when your agenda is so wrapped up in your desires, you block what could be. You block major possibilities that otherwise could be way bigger than what you even anticipated or thought you could receive.

• 1:07:50Lewis Howes?

  So should we stop desiring things?

• 1:07:52Gabby Bernstein?

  No, no, no, not at all. It's just to forget what you, when I say, so for instance, I have a desire to have another child. I started to go through the IVF journey, uh, last May. So we're coming up on a year.

• 1:08:08Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:08:09Gabby Bernstein?

  The whole time, Louis, being on medication for over

• 1:08:14Lewis Howes?

  That's painful, isn't it?

• 1:08:15Gabby Bernstein?

  A year. And the whole journey, I was steady, man. I gained, you know, 15 pounds. I was like, you know, taking medication every single day for 365 days. I stayed steady because I knew that my desire was on the way. But I had to forget what I thought I needed, which was I needed to happen now, or I needed to happen this way, or I needed to happen without, you know, six rounds, or without seven rounds, or whatever, eight rounds, or whatever it was. Or I needed to happen on my timeline, or my, you know, or without gaining weight, or whatever my story might have been.

• 1:08:57Gabby Bernstein?

  Instead, I just continued to stay steady and show up, listen to my inner guidance system, advocate for myself when I knew that something didn't feel right. And we're moving in the right direction now. Moving in the right direction now.

• 1:09:17Gabby Bernstein?

  But it's been a year. It's no small thing.

• 1:09:19Lewis Howes?

  That's a lot of time.

• 1:09:20Gabby Bernstein?

  But what's a miracle about that is my therapist even said, she was like, "I'm so blown away by how steady you've been through this." And I said, "It's because I have unwavering faith in the universe."

• 1:09:31Lewis Howes?

  When would you not have unwavering faith? How much time would have to pass where you'd be like, "Okay, maybe the universe is telling me that this isn't supposed to be happening for me at this time."

• 1:09:42Gabby Bernstein?

  Uh, it would never say that this isn't supposed to be happening. I would just say it's not supposed to be happening in this way.

• 1:09:47Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, interesting.

• 1:09:49Gabby Bernstein?

  I think that's an important message for anybody on the conception journey. There's many ways to have children.

• 1:09:52Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. So it doesn't mean your desires, you can still have the desires. It may not look the way you want it to look.

• 1:09:59Gabby Bernstein?

  Oh, yeah. That's right.

• 1:10:00Lewis Howes?

  Interesting. Should we be guided by our desires and our dreams? Or should we be guided by something else?

• 1:10:10Gabby Bernstein?

  I think that our desires and our dreams deserve respect. I think that they can be a driving force within us. But the real driver has to be devotional steadiness and peace and groundedness in the present moment. That has to be what drives us most. That's what we have to rely on most. Because the only way to get to the dream joyfully is to have fun along the way, to be present in the moment, to stay grounded in the moment, to stay steady in the moment, even, and to, and to have faith and have fun even when the thing hasn't come.

• 1:10:53Lewis Howes?

  That's really the whole.

• 1:10:57Lewis Howes?

  I guess, strategy behind manifesting is being present, having fun, cultivating peace.

• 1:11:05Lewis Howes?

  That's really the process, isn't it?

• 1:11:06Gabby Bernstein?

  You know, I wrote this book, Super Tractor, that we talked about on your show before. And when I, and the subtitle of Super Tractor is Methods for Manifesting a Life Beyond Your Wildest Dreams. And it's no small, it's no small promise, but it is the promise. But these methods that I teach in the book are not methods for tricking the universe. They're methods for feeling good. Because the secret to manifesting is to feel good. When you, we often think that when I get that thing, I'm going to be happy. It's the opposite, is when I feel good, what I desire is on its way. Or it's coming faster than I could contemplate. So, back to the IVF journey, I just was steady and feeling good.

• 1:11:51Gabby Bernstein?

  Drove an hour and a half every day there, an hour and a half there, an hour and a half back to go to this clinic. Because I live in the country. I was driving there and back, listening to you, listening to Rich Roll, listening to the podcast, Jay, and all my buddies. Learning, studying IFS in the car. And I wrote a book this year, I wrote a book in 2020. Educating myself so that I could, because I was writing about neuroscience and things I'd never touched before. And so instead of just dreading the drive, I looked forward to that drive. That drive was my study time. It was the only, it was like, I had these almost three hours, you know, several days a month, where I could devote just to studying.

• 1:12:36Gabby Bernstein?

  And otherwise, I may not have given myself that time. So, that joyful experience in the moment allowed me to look back and say, wow, a year I did this. A year I went through this, and I was never hung up along the way.

• 1:12:51Lewis Howes?

  I think that's one of the secrets, uh, definitely to, to manifesting is making the moments that you don't enjoy enjoyable.

• 1:12:59Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 1:13:00Lewis Howes?

  And finding a way to have fun in the things that bring you discomfort or pain. And I remember, uh, in my early twenties, I was a truck driver for three months and I would drive six hours a day, driving like a big truck that had car parts in the back for Napa, Napa car, uh, Napa auto parts. And I drove, um, yeah, two hours, one direction. I would transfer the parts, drive back about two and a half, three hours on the way back in traffic. And I remember the first week being like, this is miserable. I was making like 250 dollars a week, driving five days a week, six hours a day. I was like, this is not fun.

• 1:13:39Lewis Howes?

  But I gotta make this enjoyable. Otherwise I'm going to drive myself insane. And I started imagining, and at that time I just started learning salsa dancing. And I said, I'm going to use this time to salsa dance, even though I can't dance, but I can imagine it in my mind. And I put in a CD every single day of the greatest salsa hits. And I would just imagine myself learning the dances and going over the dances for six hours a day. And then I'd go practice at night and, and dance. And it was, I made it more enjoyable.

• 1:14:09Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:09Lewis Howes?

  And, uh, it just made it, I don't know, that much more fun.

• 1:14:14Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:14Lewis Howes?

  Or wasn't this painful thing.

• 1:14:16Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah.

• 1:14:16Lewis Howes?

  I think the, the key to feeling, you know, when you can learn how to feel good, even when you don't feel good, you're going to attract and manifest so much more than you ever thought.

• 1:14:27Gabby Bernstein?

  That's right. That's right.

• 1:14:29Lewis Howes?

  It's, it's really, it's really easy to complain and feel bad all day long. It's so easy, right?

• 1:14:35Gabby Bernstein?

  Yeah. Well, it's our default. It's our default. We have, we're fault finders. We're, we're suffer seekers. We're constantly thinking that if, you know, if I'm not suffering or struggling, I'm not succeeding. I mean, there's just all backwards crap in our brain. But one of the biggest ways to feel good with our circumstances is just be in the acceptance of what is as well, because a lot of what causes us the most discomfort is our resistance to discomfort. So in those moments when we can just say, this isn't like the most exciting moment of my life. You know, this isn't, or this isn't exactly what I want to be doing. I'm okay with, I'm just accepting of that. You know, it's like, I didn't, I know, I would

• 1:15:17Gabby Bernstein?

  notice myself when I would be taking a shot and I would be mad about it. And then I would just get into acceptance. Well, you're 41 years old and you want to have a baby and this is where, what you do. And, and you know, you, and then I would quickly move from acceptance into appreciation of, well, you have an insurance, the policy that covers all this. And you know, a lot of people are taking out a second mortgage on their home to do this. And you have this incredible blessing and you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? And I actually have to tell you something really cool. Yesterday I gave my sister in law, my sister in law is a young, a young friend who's going through fertility treatment. And I had all this leftover medication. I mean, it's like, almost was making me sad looking at all the medication, because it's just like, bags and bags of medication. I know how much of that I

• 1:16:00Gabby Bernstein?

  actually threw out and how much of it went into my body. And you just look at, and you're like, oh my God, it's like this, it's sort of this like overwhelming. And my husband looked at me, he's like, you took all of that? I was like, dude, yeah. You know, and I had so much medication in my refrigerator. And I was kind of holding on to it, even though I don't need it anymore. But I was like, holding on to it, like, what if I do need it to get like, just some, you know, like fake insurance policy? And this young woman was, my girlfriend was telling me that she had this friend that needed it. And I said, this is such a statement to the universe. Like, I was like, grab a bag with a bunch of ice packs. Here you go. And I piled that bag up with all the leftover medication that had not even been opened yet, because it just hadn't needed or ever. And I handed it to my sister in law, I said, go give this to that young woman, you know,

• 1:16:45Gabby Bernstein?

  save her a lot of money. This is like thousands of dollars of medication, give this to her. But more importantly, uh, well, what number one, I'm grateful I can have the ability to give that to her because I didn't need it anymore. And it was great. And she was ready for it. But most importantly for myself, it was such a statement to the universe where I'm like, I have no use for that anymore. I'm not going to that anymore, no matter what. There's, there's a path laid before me, no matter what, that's not my choice anymore. And so sometimes, even when we have a desire and we think it has to be one way, we sometimes have to commit to a new direction.

• 1:17:22Gabby Bernstein?

  We want to hold on to the old, we want to hold on to the backup plan or whatever. It's like, you gotta make a commitment. You gotta tell the universe clearly sometimes.

• 1:17:29Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, you gotta let it go. Yeah. You mentioned needing, uh, what's the difference between wanting and needing energy? And if we need something, or if we're needy in general, are we attracting and manifesting? Or is wanting something different than needy?

• 1:17:49Gabby Bernstein?

  Wanting and needing are very different. Uh, wanting,

• 1:17:56Gabby Bernstein?

  as long as it's not paired up with a neediness.

• 1:18:00Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:18:01Gabby Bernstein?

  Is beautiful. It's a longing. It's a desire. It's a cultivation of, uh, as Abraham would say, a rocket of desire. It's just sending out to the universe. I want love in my life. I want another baby. Like, I, oh, Louis, I want another baby in my arms. I love having a baby. I want my son to have a best friend. I want my, my family to feel complete. I want another little footstep in my house. Like, you feel that. I don't feel needy when I say that to you. I feel like excited and have happy anticipation for what can be. Needy looks like I need that relationship to feel safe. I need that money to be good enough. I need that

• 1:18:43Gabby Bernstein?

  accomplishment. It's, it's, it's a vibrational frequency that is not attractive. It does not magnetize towards it. The universe can't support it. It is not in alignment with your super attractor power. So needy is actually another way that we get into what I call manic manifesting, because when we're in that needy place, like we'll do everything that we have to do to get to that.

• 1:19:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:19:04Gabby Bernstein?

  Forcing it. Exactly. So whenever a desire is backed with neediness, it's, it's definitely misaligned.

• 1:19:11Lewis Howes?

  And what about the idea of, I deserve this to happen. I deserve this in my life because of this. I deserve this thing, or an entitlement energy, deserving an entitlement. What did those energies bring to us or repel us?

• 1:19:30Gabby Bernstein?

  It's interesting. I have two points of thought on that.

• 1:19:35Gabby Bernstein?

  If you come from a place of I am entitled to miracles because my natural birthright is love and when I'm in alignment with love and when I'm expressing love and when I am in commitment to love and connection and compassion and service, then I am aligned with the universal energy of love and miracles are my birthright. That is a spiritual form of entitlement, right? It's, it's this is, this is the belief system that I am love and when I don't forget that, the universe delivers. I've been teaching that for over a decade.

• 1:20:17Gabby Bernstein?

  So there's a big difference between feeling that level of

• 1:20:24Gabby Bernstein?

  when I am in alignment with the energy of love, love is reflected back to me. That's an entitled, that's entitled to miracles. But sometimes this is like a semantics issue, right? Because then the other form of entitlement of like, I deserve that job or I deserve this because I've put so much in. Ooh, that's yucky. That's that like, you know, I have people I mentor and I often hear them say things like, I've been working on my personal growth for so many years. I don't deserve this. I deserve more than this. And it's like, well, you know, that belief system might be one of the reasons why you haven't gotten that thing yet. You know, it's like,

• 1:21:04Gabby Bernstein?

  so I guess, I guess the way I would describe the difference between spiritual entitlement and sort of like ego entitlement is that spiritual entitlement is comes when you are truly grounded in the truth of who you are and why you're here. And ego entitlement is when you're disconnected from that truth.

• 1:21:27Gabby Bernstein?

  Trying to fill a hole

• 1:21:28Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 1:21:29Gabby Bernstein?

  That you could only find with a genuine spiritual connection.

• 1:21:33Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, and I go back the way when you were just saying that I think about when you feel like you deserve something, you're more in judgment mode, you're more in like, why isn't your impatient and you're judging, you're judging something that hasn't happened yet, or that isn't happening for you yet, as opposed to

• 1:21:49Lewis Howes?

  flipping the script and saying, okay, this is happening for me for the betterment of my future. And where's the appreciation and the gratitude in this moment? I think would be a better place of manifesting and attracting.

• 1:22:03Gabby Bernstein?

  But it also doesn't mean that we can't believe we're deserving of something. Because, for instance, I think

• 1:22:11Gabby Bernstein?

  I believe that I am deserving of of many things in my life. Because back to that spiritual entitlement.

• 1:22:23Gabby Bernstein?

  Because I believe that the things that I am deserving of are a reflection of who I am.

• 1:22:28Lewis Howes?

  Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed today's episode and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness. Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's show with all the important links. And also make sure to share this with a friend and subscribe over on Apple Podcasts as well. I really love hearing feedback from you guys, so share a review over on Apple and let me know what part of this episode resonated with you the most. And if no one's told you lately, I want to remind you that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.