349 Choosing Optimism and Finding Modern Love with Ravi Patel

"Hustle is something you can bank on. The rest is a game of poker." - Ravi Patel If you enjoyed this episode, check out show notes, video, and more at http://lewishowes.com/349 Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  Episode number 349 with Ravi Patel.

• 0:07Lewis Howes?

  Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week, we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.

• 0:33Lewis Howes?

  Welcome everyone to the School of Greatness Podcast. I am excited for this one because it's my good friend, Ravi Patel in the house. And if you don't know who Ravi is, he is an actor who is most recognized for his work on Scrubs, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Transformers, Master of None, The New Normal, and is co-starring in the Fox series Grandfathered alongside John Stamos. And I found out about him from his hit documentary called Meet the Patels, which is a real life romantic comedy that has won several film festival awards. And I found it on Netflix a while ago and thought it was fascinating. And there's an interesting story about how we actually got connected right after I watched the documentary

• 1:17Lewis Howes?

  that we talk about in the first few minutes of our interview. And some of the main things we cover today in this episode are why we fight with the people we love. Also, how making a good marriage is like making a good movie. Ooh, get ready for that one. The three things marriages need to succeed, the three pillars of success for any marriage, why it's so hard to keep focusing on your vision the longer you go, and the biggest primal need for both men and women. We talk about that, the process of how he created his documentary, which took him five years and then became a huge hit, the upsides and the downsides of having a documentary, all the other incredible things that he's been up to. We have a lot

• 2:02Lewis Howes?

  of fun. We bromance it out on this interview. So if you're ready to witness a bromance, then make sure to stay tuned to the very end because.

• 2:10Lewis Howes?

  Ravi and I have a pretty good time. So I hope you guys enjoy this one. It's episode three, four, nine. So feel free to share this out with your friends on social media right now. Or watch the full video interview back at the show notes at LewisHowes.com/349. And without further ado, let me introduce to you the one, the only Ravi Patel.

• 2:36Lewis Howes?

  Welcome everyone back to the School of Business Podcast. Very excited about our guest, Ravi Patel in the house. Good to see you, brother.

• 2:42Speaker 02

  What's up, man?

• 2:43Lewis Howes?

  I'm very excited that you're here. And for those that don't know who you are, you're an actor, but you're also much more than that. And you also had a documentary. That's one of the biggest documentaries in the world right now on Netflix, which how we originally met is I watched the documentary. And like five, six months ago, I think, over Christmas time, I was watching Making a Murderer.

• 3:07Speaker 02

  Right.

• 3:08Lewis Howes?

  And then I saw your documentary. I was like, let me check this out. Who's this Indian guy, right? And I watched it and I was like, this guy's actually really interesting. And then the next day you tweeted me something about my podcast. I was like, what? This is so weird.

• 3:18Speaker 02

  The Twitter brought us together. This is the modern romance. This is it.

• 3:22Lewis Howes?

  The bromance.

• 3:22Speaker 02

  And then we, yeah, it really was. Cause then we went and we met at Jones on Third.

• 3:26Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 3:27Speaker 02

  And I feel like we, I had a, I had a cold pressed juice.

• 3:29Lewis Howes?

  And I had a, uh, what did I have?

• 3:31Speaker 02

  You got some sort of a quinoa situation?

• 3:32Lewis Howes?

  No, I had a sandwich. The, uh, the pulled pork sandwich or something. It's amazing.

• 3:36Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. I do remember that. And, uh, yeah. And then here we are. And by the way, I listened to your last episode and you were finishing up a juice cleanse. Are you still on it?

• 3:44Lewis Howes?

  Yes, I just finished last night.

• 3:46Speaker 02

  How did, I have strong opinions on juice.

• 3:47Lewis Howes?

  This is my first time doing it.

• 3:49Speaker 02

  Oh, my God. What was the experience?

• 3:50Lewis Howes?

  It was only three days. So it wasn't that hard.

• 3:53Speaker 02

  It's a good start.

• 3:54Lewis Howes?

  It was hard. It's like some LA stuff, you know? It's like, I would never do this in Ohio, but being in LA and around it all the time. It's like, okay, let me try this thing out.

• 4:01Speaker 02

  No, it's like emasculating to even admit it.

• 4:03Lewis Howes?

  Right? Yeah. Like I did a juice cleanse. Yeah. So.

• 4:06Speaker 02

  I mean, I'm from the East Coast. I could never tell my friends.

• 4:07Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. So.

• 4:08Speaker 02

  But was it euphoric? Did you feel a sense of focus or energy?

• 4:11Lewis Howes?

  No, I felt kind of bloated, actually. Like, I don't know. Maybe it was just too much juice in there.

• 4:15Speaker 02

  When did, well, 100% it was too much juice. That's all you were having.

• 4:19Lewis Howes?

  I had juice and smoothies and we had like some other, like a little bit of food, but it was like quinoa.

• 4:24Speaker 02

  Right, right, right, right.

• 4:25Lewis Howes?

  So I was like.

• 4:26Speaker 02

  So let me tell you what you should have been looking for. What's that? The breakthrough moment in a cleanse is when you have the sweats and you feel awful. And it's like, uh, it's almost like you're on acid or something. Right, right, right. It's crazy. And then what happens is you break through into like a euphoric stage. And you actually, that is the beginning of like all the toxins leaving your body. Right. And you are releasing all your- The negative stuff. All the bad stuff. You've done this then? I've juice cleansed. I'm the most yo-yo dieter in the history of mankind. I've done every single hacky, uh, health and wellness trend and I love it. And then, you know, I'll go out drinking and I'll be smoking. Right, right, right. That's, this is, this is the struggle of being me.

• 5:10Speaker 02

  Have you done the, uh, the cleanse the other way? Uh, are you, have I done a colonic? Yes. I've recently gotten into it in the last couple of years. No way. How is it? It's great. It's all great. Here's the thing, man. All these things, what they do is they shake things up and they have, they kind of reset you. If anything, it, it, it ends up being like a mental reset. Okay. Cause you're just like, okay, this is a new thing I did. Now I feel weird. Now I have to work back to, to whatever. And you define what that whatever is. Sure. Because you're starting in a new place. Interesting. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. I mean, the juice cleansing thing though, when you break through, the reason to do it is what it does for your mind. Mm-hmm. It make, it gives you such mental clarity and focus. Oh yeah. And stamina. Yes.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  Okay. You know, now that I'm 37 now. Uh-huh. Couple of things happen now to me. Okay? You, you're looking at me, obviously. Metabolism isn't as fast. Look, I'm a fucking specimen. You see this across the table, right? Five foot six. Yeah, five foot sixish.

• 6:09Speaker 02

  I, you know, whatever, for whatever reason, every time I play sport now, I break something and- You and me both, man. You gotta stretch for like 30 minutes before now. Oh, though I have to do so much stretching. And then, uh, eight o'clock rolls around and I'm like, you know, it'd be great right now, falling asleep. And that happens. And I used to be, you know, I used to be the most passionate, aggressive, like, uh, the most Indian Indian you can imagine, you know, like, oh, I'm gonna start five companies today and then I'm gonna take the SATs. Like, that's me. Okay? But now, all I can think about is, you know what's great? Chilling, going to sleep. And that's when you have to start figuring out, okay- How do I make it so I'm not tired at eight o'clock so that I don't feel guilty for doing less work than I'm used to doing and that's where the juice cleanse comes in.

• 6:53Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 6:54Speaker 02

  And it's very helpful.

• 6:55Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 6:56Speaker 02

  You need to do it for five to six days.

• 6:58Lewis Howes?

  That's what my buddy told me.

• 6:58Speaker 02

  We can cleanse together if you want.

• 6:59Lewis Howes?

  You want to do it sometime?

• 7:01Speaker 02

  I love a good bro cleanse.

• 7:02Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 7:03Speaker 02

  Nobody loves a bro cleanse.

• 7:04Lewis Howes?

  Give me six months.

• 7:05Speaker 02

  Six months, you ready to bro cleanse?

• 7:06Lewis Howes?

  Yes, in six months.

• 7:08Speaker 02

  Sure, yeah, honestly, it could be next week.

• 7:10Lewis Howes?

  You'll do it whenever.

• 7:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:12Lewis Howes?

  Next time I do it, I'll call you.

• 7:14Speaker 02

  Here's another thing about me, I don't ever pass up an opportunity to bond with someone. So if someone says, let's do this thing together and it'll be weird and it'll, I'm in.

• 7:22Lewis Howes?

  You're into Burning Man, you're into all that stuff.

• 7:25Speaker 02

  Love Burning Man.

• 7:26Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I've actually never been, but I get invited every year. My friends go all the time and I'm like, I just don't know if I'm ready for it.

• 7:32Speaker 02

  It's one of the coolest things I've ever done in my life.

• 7:33Lewis Howes?

  I'm sure.

• 7:34Speaker 02

  I don't know necessarily that I'll ever go again. I have a pregnant wife and we just bought a place in the valley so that I'm going into that place in life.

• 7:39Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 7:40Speaker 02

  But it will entirely reframe how you look at the world and yourself and I'm not overstating.

• 7:45Lewis Howes?

  What's the biggest thing you learned about yourself by going to Burning Man?

• 7:50Speaker 02

  I think it was literally about framing. So when I went, it was probably, it was probably two or three years ago. And it is, it is an entirely new set of rules and even the most basic of assumptions are thrown out the door. Okay, so you go there, there's no, there's no money. Okay?

• 8:10Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 8:11Speaker 02

  People are giving stuff away.

• 8:11Lewis Howes?

  You can't buy anything, right?

• 8:13Speaker 02

  Right.

• 8:13Lewis Howes?

  They won't even allow you to pay for anything.

• 8:14Speaker 02

  Yeah. Probably the biggest lesson though was, yeah, they're just giving stuff away and training, whatever, but mostly just giving stuff away. But, and everyone's so nice and welcoming. It's just really cool and interesting, but I think the biggest takeaway, which actually is ironically probably material and superficial, which is not what people think of when they think of Burning Man, but in Burning Man, there's like. It's almost, it's weird if you dress normally. You're supposed to wear the weirdest stuff and you're half naked or whatever you're wearing. And what I real, what I realized for the first time is how much what you wear affects how you feel. And it was the first time I really respected fashion. I always thought fashion was like this thing you do when you need to get laid.

• 8:57Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 8:57Speaker 02

  Or you need someone to like you in a room.

• 8:59Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 8:59Speaker 02

  And when I was a Burning Man, you know, obviously with the help of Molly and whoever else, I realized I had this like epiphanous moment where I'm like, oh, that's what's great about clothes. It's like, that's what's great about, that's why you have to like, just do a weird hair. Like, three days ago, I just decided to part my hair the other way. After years of the one, like, you've probably been going this way for years.

• 9:23Lewis Howes?

  Same way for years.

• 9:24Speaker 02

  For years. Think, go this way and just see if it affects you. It will affect you somehow.

• 9:29Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 9:30Speaker 02

  Wear an outfit that you're not used, that's like totally outside of your comfort zone. It affects your experience in the world. Because it affects the lens through which you see the world.

• 9:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 9:39Speaker 02

  Right? And your experience in the world is not objective, it's what you, it's how you see it.

• 9:43Lewis Howes?

  And other people see you differently, too.

• 9:45Speaker 02

  More importantly, I would say you see other people see you differently.

• 9:49Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 9:49Speaker 02

  Because you're projecting those things.

• 9:51Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 9:52Speaker 02

  Yeah. How hippie did that get?

• 9:54Lewis Howes?

  Very cool. I like it. So you'll never go back.

• 9:55Speaker 02

  Does that make sense to you, though?

• 9:56Lewis Howes?

  Of course, yeah.

• 9:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 9:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. So how come you go back to wearing black V-necks like myself every day?

• 10:01Speaker 02

  Well, I don't do V's. I'm just a crew guy, actually. I'm done with the V's. No offense, I mean.

• 10:04Lewis Howes?

  That's when you're a six-four white guy, you wear V's, you know?

• 10:07Speaker 02

  Well, when you're, honestly, when you're a tall white guy, you do whatever you want. The world just throws themselves at you. God, I'd be like president of the world. Not even a post that exists. They would form it for me.

• 10:20Lewis Howes?

  But what's your fashion like now, then?

• 10:22Speaker 02

  It's pretty hipster adjacent, but you know.

• 10:24Lewis Howes?

  Venisee.

• 10:25Speaker 02

  It's venisee, it's, you know, I'm very, I'm very, you know, I generally skew towards like hip comfortable. And I care less than ever because I'm married.

• 10:38Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:39Speaker 02

  And when you're married, I'm still trying to figure out like, what's the point of life when like, there's no women to chase?

• 10:45Lewis Howes?

  Right. What is the point for you now?

• 10:47Speaker 02

  On a primal level, I don't know. I mean, we've talked about this. I know, I know. So how do you? Well, men are primally motivated by seeking women. Yes. So now I have a woman who I love. Yes. Like, I'm obsessed with her. And like, I mean, I think day to day, my obsession right now, she's pregnant. So like, my obsession, you know, we were talking about this 20 minutes, not maybe 10 minutes ago. Is, is how to, how to have the most fun with family. That's something that I find myself constantly being mindful about, trying to figure out, like, you know, With your wife or with? With my wife and just like spiritually, on a personal level.

• 11:27Speaker 02

  Like, my wife and I are, you know, we go to couples therapy because we're like, let's make this thing, let's just keep working at it and always make it awesome. We talk about, okay, how are we gonna, how are we gonna make it so like intimately, it's always exciting? And a form, it's artful in a sense, you know, like, we're, we're trying to look at this relationship as a really cool project that we're doing together. And it's something that we want to keep evolving and make awesome. It's your own movie that you're making? It's very much making your own movie. It's so funny because we, I was talking to her. She was trying to make a decision on whether or not to go to Japan with me in like a few weeks for this work thing I have. And it's funny because the way we were talking about it, I was like, well,

• 12:11Speaker 02

  sometimes when I have trouble making a decision, I think about what I would do if I was the character in my own story and, you know, who's the guy I would want to write? Anyway, we identified who that character was that she wanted to be and then realized, yeah, I actually shouldn't come to Japan though. Too uncomfortable. Right, right, right. Because she's pregnant. Yeah, yeah. What'd she do? Huh? When she? In November? Wow. Yeah, dude, I've never been so excited in my life. Wow. I've never. Life's gonna change completely. You know, everyone says that, but I don't think it's like, I don't know, there's something to me that I feel negatively frames the experience by saying life's gonna change. I feel like it implies like a fear or like, like to me, it's.

• 12:52Speaker 02

  Like, is there any greater like meaning you can give to life than to bring someone into the world? And, and, and like, help them be happy? I mean, that's like the, you know, on a very fundamental level, if you read any book on happiness, they say, the, the point of life is happiness, the way you get happy is the extent to which you've made the world a better place when you leave. And that is generally measured by giving.

• 13:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 13:21Speaker 02

  And there's no bigger way to give than love.

• 13:23Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 13:24Speaker 02

  I don't know. I'm really excited. I also just can't wait to like, I'm like, coach my kids in every sport.

• 13:29Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 13:30Speaker 02

  I just can't wait to be a dad.

• 13:31Lewis Howes?

  That's cool. You're from the East Coast, right?

• 13:33Speaker 02

  North Carolina.

• 13:34Lewis Howes?

  North Carolina. And when did you move here? Cause you used to be an investment banker, correct?

• 13:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, very briefly. I was an investment banker after college. I was in international studies, which is like a made up major.

• 13:44Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 13:45Speaker 02

  Economics and these languages I was taking at the time, none of which I can speak anymore. And economics, I was a double major. And then I went into investment banking after college.

• 13:55Lewis Howes?

  In New York?

• 13:56Speaker 02

  So I went to school in UNC Chapel Hill. And then I was, uh, working at this investment bank in Raleigh, North Carolina. And, uh, I got laid off shortly after nine 11 and I got like a three month severance. And I was like, this is the best thing that's ever happened to me. Cause I was already, I was already interviewing at other places, trying to figure out a, a better life.

• 14:12Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 14:13Speaker 02

  So it was so serendipitous. And I lost all that money, by the way, four weeks later on a riverboat gambling.

• 14:19Lewis Howes?

  What, um, what made you wanna move to LA and be an actor then? And when was that?

• 14:26Speaker 02

  Um, so probably a year and a half after I got laid off, I ended up in LA. And I'd spend that time just kinda roaming around doing fun things. I worked for the Winter Olympics at one point and went down to San Diego, hung out friends, like managed an Indian restaurant, taught SAT classes and, uh,

• 14:45Lewis Howes?

  Typical Indian thing.

• 14:46Speaker 02

  Typical Indian stuff. Back to that.

• 14:48Lewis Howes?

  Tutoring.

• 14:49Speaker 02

  Uh, but I came to LA where my, my older sister is a writer and director. And she, uh, her, a friend of hers worked at this place called Channel One, who's where Lisa Ling and I think Anderson Cooper maybe got their start there. It's a news network. Uh, and I was really just wanted to do something that had meaning to it. So I thought news, I'll do research there, it'll be good. I won't feel dead inside, like I did during investment banking. And, uh, so I got here, but the job wasn't ready yet and they kept pushing it off. And during that time I started bartending. And I kind of got like discovered, I guess. Well, I started the poker magazine in there too.

• 15:21Lewis Howes?

  When you were here, you just started the magazine?

• 15:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, I kind of like my roommate like founded it and then I

• 15:28Lewis Howes?

  What was the magazine called?

• 15:28Speaker 02

  Became a co-founder. It was called All In.

• 15:30Lewis Howes?

  All In?

• 15:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was right during the poker boom. I think so. Yeah, I'm not like not in touch with those people.

• 15:35Lewis Howes?

  You sold it after a few years or?

• 15:37Speaker 02

  No, I like left and sued them. It was like a whole thing. Poker poker was.

• 15:42Lewis Howes?

  It was blowing up.

• 15:42Speaker 02

  Do you remember? Yeah.

• 15:43Lewis Howes?

  It was on ESPN every night. I mean, when I was in college, I played it every night with, you know.

• 15:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was cra- and by the way, this was the craziest time of my life because it was literally like my roommate would like keep, I was applying to law school at the time. My roommate was like, would like ask me for advice because he thought I was smart. And so he's like asking my help with things. And I'm like, dude, I don't have time for this. As soon as I'm done with my last application, I'll sit down with people, talk. And like, I remember I came back after pulling an all nighter, sending an application off. I come home from post office and we sit down and we talk about it. And I was so, and I knew about how big poker was getting. And I was just so excited about it. And that night, we were in like, I don't know, San Jose and I was directing the first photo shoot for what became our magazine.

• 16:12Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 16:13Speaker 02

  Yeah. And that was to this day, one of the craziest experiences because poker was so hot that like celebrities were trying to hang out with me when I was in Vegas. I was in Vegas.

• 16:22Lewis Howes?

  Cause you were the founder of the magazine. So it was like a big deal.

• 16:24Speaker 02

  I was just one of the guys. Yeah. And that, that like I'd walk around and people would be like, Mr. Patel, we got a table for you. And it's just, it was surreal. And then in a way, just kind of ironic because I eventually ended up becoming an actor in Hollywood. You know what I mean? That was my top down experience. And then here I was

• 16:55Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 16:56Speaker 02

  At the bottom, trying to do it. It was just, I don't know. But yeah, so the way I got into it was my sister's friend asked me to audition for like a commercial and I didn't get it. But the cast director was like, you know, hey, I think you're talented. Do you mind if I set up a meeting with an agent? I think you'd.

• 17:11Lewis Howes?

  You did one commercial casting and then you got an agent?

• 17:13Speaker 02

  I didn't know. I didn't even get that commercial.

• 17:14Lewis Howes?

  But you did a casting. You did a casting.

• 17:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:16Lewis Howes?

  And they were like, oh, let's set you up with an agent.

• 17:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, there was that. And then my sister was producing this arts festival and the MC, who was this guy on the Daily Show, had like, had to go do a movie at the last second. There was like a nightly 500 person theater show or whatever. And so they needed someone to fill in at the last minute as an MC because my sister was producing it and they all knew me and they thought I was funny. They're like, you do it. And I ended up doing like 30, 40 minutes of improvised stand up. And to this day, it was like. One of the like best performances I've ever had in anything. Did you ever do stand up before this? No, I had done, uh, I had, you know, I was like a class clown kind of grown up or like, you know, I would host like, you know, like the big Indian like nights in college, you know? Which looking back, those were like 3,000 person events, but.

• 18:03Speaker 02

  And you were hosting them and on the mic? Yeah, but that was, it was like college. So it didn't, there was no, I've never been nervous in big crowds, none of that. So anyway, so I, I got like 15, 20 calls like the week after that thing in LA. Really? Yeah. So I don't remember which one of those things happened first, but like my first year as an actor, I think I did like 20, 25 national commercials. What? I did a pilot presentation. Yeah, dude, it was crazy.

• 18:27Speaker 02

  This was, this was probably, I'm going to say 26 or 27. Okay. You're 37 now, 10 years ago. 37 now. Yeah. It could have been 25. 25 national commercials. That's a pretty big deal. In my first year. That's great pay. I was making so much money, dude. And it was, it was crazy because I didn't want to do it. Okay. So there was some overlap. There was some overlap where. Well, the actors are like dying to get one commercial, like going out every day. Remember I was working in that bar? So this started while I was working at the bar and I remember one day. And everyone's an actor there. Everyone's an actor there. Okay. And I'm the only one who's like, this is a stupid thing you guys are doing. Like, like, do you see how abusive of a horrible profession this is, which I mostly still feel by the way. Yeah, yeah.

• 19:12Speaker 02

  And this girl was like crying because she was just so miserable and depressed, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, I hate this job. And I, and this, this, this town sucks. And like, you know, my career's going away. Anyway, she's crying. Okay. And then she just, she storms out the front door. This is Lucky Strike in Hollywood. If you've ever been there. Walks out the front door. The bowling alley? The bowling alley. Yeah, yeah. And when it, I was part of the group people who like were first opened it. It was like a hotspot at the time. She walks out the door and then she comes back in and she points, she's like, and this asshole meanwhile, and she's talking about me and pointing behind her because across the street from the entrance is a billboard with my face. Shut up. No.

• 19:51Speaker 02

  Is that hilarious?

• 19:52Lewis Howes?

  Across from where you're bartending.

• 19:53Speaker 02

  Literally across the street, yeah. It was one of my first, it was like, uh, some Ryan Seacrest shows.

• 19:58Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  But, uh, that, you know, it was just, it was crazy. Like, my agent would call me, I remember, and like, be like, hey, you have this thing. And I would like, would be in Vegas or something. I'd be like, I'm not gonna go. And he'd like yell at me and I'd be like, dude, yell at me again. I'm just not gonna pick up.

• 20:10Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 20:10Speaker 02

  I was like, I told you I don't do it. It was crazy, man. Um, and I think actually the toughest thing for me was once I actually was like, oh, I'm, I'm really interested in this. Like, I, this is exciting. You know, it was a weird thing where it's like, you already know, you're like, oh, my God, this is such a cool, this is a cool experience that clearly everyone here wants.

• 20:29Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 20:29Speaker 02

  And it's happening to me and that's great. But I didn't, it took me a long time to figure out.

• 20:33Lewis Howes?

  To embrace it.

• 20:34Speaker 02

  To embrace it, to, to, to understand, uh, what it, what it would mean in my life. Like, like art is a very, it, it's, it's a very kind of tumultuous pursuit. You have to know what that relationship is gonna be to you and how it's actually gonna make you a better person, because if you don't know that, then it's an abusive relationship.

• 20:53Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 20:54Speaker 02

  Um, and also, in doing that, you have to figure out a way to, to develop the craft, like, the work ethic of, you know, specifically in acting, you know. For me, it was like, the reason why I was so successful at fronts, because I would walk in a room and be the person who cared the least. Like, I didn't care what lines were, I didn't care. Like, I, I wasn't trying to impress anyone.

• 21:15Lewis Howes?

  And that was attractive, yeah.

• 21:16Speaker 02

  That was attractive, those people, because in all, and as an actor, I was super loose. But.

• 21:20Lewis Howes?

  You're in the flow, you're just like, yeah, let's do this.

• 21:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 21:23Lewis Howes?

  Go, yeah, boom, boom, boom.

• 21:24Speaker 02

  And then in training, what happens is it becomes important. And when it becomes important, you become self-aware, gets nervous.

• 21:30Lewis Howes?

  Get tight.

• 21:30Speaker 02

  So you're doing all this work to figure out, okay, how do I actually get better at this thing? How do I figure out tricks? Um, you know, how do I, how do I get in the gym and make this muscle bigger while still being able to walk into the room or walk on a set and be loose like I was that first day?

• 21:45Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 21:45Speaker 02

  It's, it's something that I continue to struggle with.

• 21:47Lewis Howes?

  And the more you care about it and the bigger opportunities you get, you probably get more tense or.

• 21:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:52Lewis Howes?

  More worried about it in your head.

• 21:53Speaker 02

  I mean, I feel like you, you get that, right? I mean, we, I feel like we all, it's fairly universal.

• 21:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 21:58Speaker 02

  Is like, you know, getting better at something that matters to you. While being able to perform with poise.

• 22:03Lewis Howes?

  So how do you prepare now for like a big audition or a big time on set or a big moment? Is there a process you follow or?

• 22:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't, I don't really have one specific process. I have a ton of at this point tools that I kind of access depending on what's being called for. Some things are, are small enough where I can just kind of look at it. And I already know what I'm, it's just very intuitive to me. If it's like straight comedy and the character is going to be a lot like the three to four guys that I almost always play, you know? But if it's, um, you know, if it's something that's a little more complicated or a longer scene with important points of inference. I mean, I can tell you like on a very basic level, the first like I'll read the script. Then I'll look at the character, figure out what the character's function is in telling the story. Then I'll ask myself, okay, like scene to scene, what are the major?

• 22:54Speaker 02

  Usually most scenes have like some point where the character's attitude changes. So I try to identify that point and then you kind of know like emotionally where you're driving. And then that point is the point at which, you know, so it just, but it entirely depends on the, on the tone and the piece. Like I just did this movie last week and it was like a very kind of, it was like a loose indie where I'm improvising a lot. And so when I'm doing that, I actually do very little work to the point where like I barely know my lines. Because my plan in that situation is to just go on set and just be entirely, entirely present and do as little dick. And like be as unconscious in terms of the acting as possible. You know what I mean?

• 23:35Lewis Howes?

  Just try to be in the moment.

• 23:36Speaker 02

  Just try to be real. Yeah.

• 23:38Lewis Howes?

  Sounds like what Will Ferrell does. Will Ferrell, something like he just like riffs all the time. Yeah, does as many riffs as he can to try to like get the.

• 23:46Speaker 02

  I actually just, it's so funny because I just, I just did something with him like on Saturday. It was my first time meeting him. It was awesome.

• 23:51Lewis Howes?

  Was he incredible?

• 23:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's Will Ferrell. It was incredible. It was incredible. It was.

• 23:55Lewis Howes?

  Was it a TV show or a movie or?

• 23:57Speaker 02

  It was like a, it was like a test shoot for this. So my friend's the director and it's for a Will Ferrell movie. And they're trying to figure out this thing and my friend commented, say, hey, you just do me a favor and come to the scene with Will Ferrell. I was like, yeah, man, I'll do whatever you want with Will Ferrell. It was just really cool. First of all, he's just like a super nice guy. But yeah, we were like improvising together and.

• 24:18Lewis Howes?

  That's cool.

• 24:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was good, man.

• 24:20Lewis Howes?

  What's it like when you get to connect with someone like that, you know, and do a scene together? Do you get nervous with someone like that or?

• 24:26Speaker 02

  No, I uh, if I get nervous, it's, it's usually because uh, I feel uncomfortable around the person and you know, I look nerves can be come from a million different places. It's one thing you learn as an actor, like you show up with your instrument, which is affected by what you're eating, the conversation you had right 10 minutes ago.

• 24:48Lewis Howes?

  Who you're dating, whatever.

• 24:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's all affects, it all affects the song that's being played in that moment, you know? Um, uh, but yeah, I don't really get, I don't think I get nervous, like I would say I almost get ner- more nervous around like mean people than I do about, uh, like when I'm acting with, yeah, like if I'm acting with a big celebrity who's like, just like really like self-involved and uh, even if they're nice, like that kind of stuff, I think throws me off quite a bit. Cause it makes me feel kind of like, I need to, I need to do something to make them happy. And you know, then I'm like, okay, what is that thing I need to do? And I have no idea what it is.

• 25:26Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, gotcha. Tell me about the documentary you did, because it was like a six-year process, wasn't it?

• 25:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:32Lewis Howes?

  How long was this documentary take to film and then edit and then?

• 25:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, so Meet the Patel's started, I would say 2007 or 2008, somewhere in there. It started kind of by accident. I had this white girlfriend that I never told my parents about. We've been together for, I don't know, two, maybe two and a half years and we broke up and then we go, my family and I go on this family trip to India.

• 25:52Lewis Howes?

  It's hilarious. What you guys do is hilarious.

• 25:55Speaker 02

  Thanks, man, yeah.

• 25:57Lewis Howes?

  But before you go on that trip, don't you go on like on a dating, Indian dating retreat?

• 26:01Speaker 02

  No, no, so that happens, no, that, no, the first thing that happens in the movie is like a breakup with, with the girl. And we go on this family trip and then after that, the movie is basically like while I'm in India and I'm going through this like depression of a breakup, my parents are meanwhile, and my parents in like all of India are panicking that I'm almost 30 and unmarried.

• 26:19Lewis Howes?

  And so they're saying, hey, let us set you up.

• 26:21Speaker 02

  Let us set you up here in India.

• 26:22Lewis Howes?

  The India way.

• 26:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly.

• 26:24Lewis Howes?

  The Indian way.

• 26:25Speaker 02

  The way my parents got married.

• 26:26Lewis Howes?

  Right. It's like this whole other.

• 26:28Speaker 02

  And by the way, it's totally commonplace amongst Indian Americans, not all, but many Indian Americans will do it the Indian way still.

• 26:35Lewis Howes?

  Which is getting set up by your parents.

• 26:37Speaker 02

  I was just talking to someone last week who was dating a white girl, then went to India and got married.

• 26:41Lewis Howes?

  No way.

• 26:42Speaker 02

  And the girl, oh yeah, and he's American born. It was like, oh, what a heartbreaking, it's, you know, anyway, that's a whole nother thing altogether, but. Basically, the movie is about, I finally, you know, my dad, my dad said to me, hey, just give me a shot at this thing. Trust me. I promise you, you're gonna be happy you did it. I'll make you happy. And I was like, okay, well, I can't argue with that. And I don't want to be the kind of person who doesn't want to try. So I jumped two feet in and we got back to America. And next thing you know, my matrimonial resume called a biodata is floating around the country between many Indian parents' hands. In the US. In the US and Canada. And I flew around the country and went on all these blind dates.

• 27:23Speaker 02

  And yeah, it was entirely the most important experience of my life. Not only the story that you saw on camera and how my family evolved from it, but my personal, what I learned about relationships, what I, what I learned about myself culturally and what I want, my identity, what I learned about how to love in terms of my sister and I making a documentary together, not being able to fire each other. And then the experience of traveling with this documentary with my entire family for the last couple of years. It has been an incredible, once in a lifetime experience. I'm a million times closer to my fam- like, I've, I like, love my family so much. And none of this, like, we wouldn't have this incredibly special thing

• 28:08Speaker 02

  that we have. It's not something that just happens. It's something that you have to be forced to make happen. And we were forced because we made this movie together. Now, my dad's like, screenwriting, you know, like, we have, oh my God, it's the best. My parents are like, famous now. It's hilarious. They get recognized every day. Wow. Yeah, they're like, the best famous people in the world, by the way. Because everyone just thinks they're their parents. And, and they're so happy. Like, every day, my dad's like, well, three people recognized me today. Yep, I talked to this one lady for 20 minutes. And, you know, and then my dad, recently, he told me, he's like, you know what the perfect job would be? I should be a Walmart greeter. That's the perfect job. You just hi, hello, how are your kids?

• 28:51Speaker 02

  I mean, how great of a guy do you have to be to want that job?

• 28:53Lewis Howes?

  That's hilarious. Yeah. Where do they live? Are they?

• 28:56Speaker 02

  North Carolina, Charlotte. Yeah, that's where I'm from.

• 28:58Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. Very cool. Man, do you know how many people have seen the documentary? Do you have those stats, data?

• 29:03Speaker 02

  I don't, because, you know.

• 29:04Lewis Howes?

  Netflix doesn't give you that.

• 29:05Speaker 02

  We did, I think we were one of the top, whatever documentaries theatrically. We were in theaters for three months.

• 29:11Lewis Howes?

  You weren't theaters.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, for three months. Yeah, yeah. And then, I mean, the fact that, that I know that I, that I have told you before is, you know, we were trending next to Making a Murderer for a month.

• 29:24Lewis Howes?

  Which was huge.

• 29:25Speaker 02

  It's, I mean, that-

• 29:27Lewis Howes?

  Biggest documentary of all time or something, right?

• 29:29Speaker 02

  I mean, it's got, it's got, it's got, it was a really big-

• 29:32Lewis Howes?

  The ratings were huge.

• 29:32Speaker 02

  I mean, I would say it was just a really big film, period, if it, if it was next to Making a Murderer for a month.

• 29:37Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 29:39Speaker 02

  So that's all I know. That and the fact that literally, like, you know, no matter where I'm traveling, whether it's the US or abroad, every day, constantly, and it's-

• 29:48Lewis Howes?

  From them, from the documentary?

• 29:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, not all, you know, sometimes it's from other things, but it's, it's all, it's been a crazy, you know, it's all been kind of symbiotic. You and I were talking about this before, like, you know, the movie came out, like I said, you know, Gita and I, my sister and I, we spent probably five and a half years editing it.

• 30:08Lewis Howes?

  So it took how long to film it? Two years?

• 30:10Speaker 02

  About a year, a year and a half of principal photography, but then-

• 30:13Lewis Howes?

  Five and a half years of editing.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  But then we picked up stuff along the way, like a lot of those couples interviews, you know, we have all this romantic comedy elements. We genrefied this thing.

• 30:20Lewis Howes?

  Cartoon, it's like-

• 30:21Speaker 02

  The animations in there. There's a lot of rom-com music. Thanks, man. Yeah. Well, we intentionally wanted to make a film that was entertaining to people, like, we wanted people, like my parents, who don't usually watch documentaries, to watch this movie and have the time of their lives while still kind of having some sort of interesting-

• 30:38Lewis Howes?

  Lessons.

• 30:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, insight about family and love. But that took us a long time and, and it was also, you know, for me, it was film school. So there was a lot of experimentation, which, what I'm really saying is we made a lot of mistakes, almost every mistake, before finally arriving to the thing that worked. And, you know, in the process, we're persevering, we're still raising money for the documentary. My sister and I are fighting, butting heads the whole time. And, you know, I say this all to say that, at, when the movie was finally done, and we were like, we like this movie. This was after we had done, I think, thirty cuts of the movie. We did like focus groups, we sent them around the country to different friends, they would have like ten people over, fill out these surveys. We made various, you know, variations to the film, whatever.

• 31:24Lewis Howes?

  It's a lot of work, man.

• 31:25Speaker 02

  It was, it was the most work, to the point where I would lie to people when I told them why I couldn't go out that night. Because I, I was ashamed to tell them that I was still doing the documentary. Because they're like, dude, you've been saying this for years.

• 31:37Lewis Howes?

  Five years.

• 31:37Speaker 02

  It's very embarrassing. And finally it came out, like, we, we finished it and Sundance rejected us. South by Southwest rejected us, I don't know, Toronto Film Festival, all the majors rejected us. And we had to beg to get in. I have a theory as to why, and it's very dark and negative, but like, uh, it's because the gatekeepers, I, I, we'll get into that in a second. But the point is, we finally got into this, we had to like beg our way into this documentary festival in Toronto. And we ended up like taking the audience award, like sold out shows around the corner, five to seven hundred people in every screening, even after they had screenings. And that trend continued when we opened domestically here in the LA Film Festival, which also won the audience award. I think we won five or six festivals in a row.

• 32:20Speaker 02

  Michael Moore, he won best film and audience award, and he became a friend of the film in the process. That's when we got, you know, this one agent at UTA named Rena Ronson, who like really championed our film. And this, uh, this woman named Nancy Utley at Fox Searchlight, as a result of the LA Film Festival as well, became like a big fan of our film. And, um, you know, now we're writing and directing an adaptation for Fox Searchlight because of that. We really just got like a few key players who just were like, who fought for us and thought this is a great thing. And it's been really fulfilling to see, you know, to, to see that the audience, like, that it finally got to the audience, you know, ended up being on Netflix, went to theaters, all these things. And then, you know, just the way it happened on Netflix without really any marketing.

• 33:05Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 33:05Speaker 02

  It was.

• 33:06Lewis Howes?

  I didn't even hear about it, I just saw it and I was interested and I was like, oh, let me check this out.

• 33:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was crazy. We learned a lot about like, just the marketing of films and how politicized the whole distribution game is. It's crazy and, you know, but we haven't made one penny on it, by the way.

• 33:21Lewis Howes?

  Right, it was what, how much you say it was to do the whole thing?

• 33:24Speaker 02

  We probably spent almost a million.

• 33:26Lewis Howes?

  Crazy.

• 33:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. And we haven't made one penny because the, I mean, it was just in the trades today, the distributor is bankrupt.

• 33:34Lewis Howes?

  Wow, really? You don't get paid on it?

• 33:37Speaker 02

  Don't get me started talking on that.

• 33:38Lewis Howes?

  Are you serious?

• 33:39Speaker 02

  It's a disaster.

• 33:39Lewis Howes?

  Oh my gosh.

• 33:40Speaker 02

  It's an absolute disaster. It was, yeah, there was a lot of, let's just say negligence.

• 33:45Lewis Howes?

  Oh man, that's scary.

• 33:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, we did the marketing of that film. We got incredible press hits.

• 33:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 33:51Speaker 02

  Like in Oprah magazine, NPR, like the vast majority of all that came through. My sister and I hired people beneath us and basically started a marketing company for our film.

• 34:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:03Speaker 02

  We did all, we invested our own money into it.

• 34:05Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 34:07Speaker 02

  Cause these other guys didn't really know what they were doing.

• 34:09Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 34:10Speaker 02

  It was a disaster.

• 34:12Lewis Howes?

  Crazy. Okay. Well, that beside.

• 34:14Speaker 02

  Sorry, I know the wheels have totally come off. I have no idea.

• 34:16Lewis Howes?

  That aside, you learned a lot of great lessons during this about relationships and about family and about making a movie. Let's talk about the things you learned about relationships because you, you ended the relationship from this movie for a certain reason, right?

• 34:29Speaker 02

  Say, what do you mean?

• 34:30Lewis Howes?

  In the movie, the documentary.

• 34:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:32Lewis Howes?

  You broke up with your girlfriend.

• 34:33Speaker 02

  Right, right, right.

• 34:34Lewis Howes?

  For a certain reason, right?

• 34:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. Because I wanted to make, well, the main thing was I hadn't told my parents about her.

• 34:41Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 34:41Speaker 02

  And I think it was like, it was a moment of commitment.

• 34:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 34:46Speaker 02

  More than, you know, I think I was trying to decide, the sign of commitment would be, okay, if I think I'm going to marry you or likely, likely heading that direction, then it's probably a good time to tell my parents. And then I was like, you know, I don't really want to tell my parents that I'm not really sure how committed I am to this thing then.

• 35:04Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 35:05Speaker 02

  And so we broke up and that was the beginning of, you know, this journey of this time in my life when I was trying to figure out,

• 35:14Speaker 02

  you know, I love my parents and I want to make them happy. Obviously, the most important thing in their happiness is my own happiness.

• 35:21Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 35:23Speaker 02

  And I always grew up thinking I was going to marry an Indian girl, but I also have all these other things about me that are very American. And it's also, it's really hard to find. A girl in general that you want to be with, then I have all these additional statistic, like all these, all these additional kind of like very specific things like being Indian and being the same mix of American as me. So yeah, that was the beginning of me trying to figure out what I really wanted and how to reconcile, you know, the search for love while with the, the expectations of tradition, which I think we all know. We all know what it feels like from generation to generation. Yeah. You know, family is really interesting because it's, we're the, we're the ugliest

• 36:08Speaker 02

  to the people we love the most, right? True. And all the fights in family are pretty much always people who are, have the same goal, but have a different way of getting there, right? But the goal is actually, I want you to be better off. I want us to be better off. It's, the goal is love. But in the moment when you're fighting about it, it becomes hate. And that- Why is that? I think, I think when you're, when you're fighting, I'm, I'm fascinated with how you fight with people you love. I'm fascinated by it. I think it's like, it's like my most important pursuit in life is figuring out a way to do it better and better, even with my wife, right? Right. I, I don't know why it is. I think, I think we feel first of all, comfortable.

• 36:50Speaker 02

  I think there's a point at which we lose respect when we're fighting with so much, someone we love. I think we all know what it feels like when you're in a conversation and it becomes not about the truth, but about winning, right? We all know- Especially as competitive guys. Especially as competitive guys. But ego, ego is your worst enemy in any sort of a debate, right? And then when you're, when you're with someone you love, you feel the safety that because you are in love, you can't lose this person, right? So therefore you feel, you feel like respect doesn't matter anymore. The benefit of the thousands of merit. Basically, your ego can go unchecked and you get obsessed with winning. And it's, it's a really, you know, I'll give you an example with my sister.

• 37:35Speaker 02

  For the first like four years of making this movie, we, we had, we had such different sensibilities. And so we'd be butting heads and in this conversation, it would never, it wouldn't, it would end up evolving from a conversation about an idea to a conversation about who's right. Which is by the way, exactly what's happening in our political landscape these days, right? And what happened was we both just got really tired of hurting each other's feelings and fighting. It was not a productive way. It was super inefficient in terms of filmmaking. Right. Horrible way to collaborate. It's what took it six years to create. Partially, sure, yeah. And, but also that's not the relationship I want with my sister.

• 38:19Speaker 02

  Bottom line, it's my sister. I want to love her. I want to be a good brother to her. I want to make her a better person. I want her to make me a better person. And I know that she feels the same way about me. So in these moments when we're disagreeing, we have to stop and ask each other, okay, are we talking about the idea or are we trying to win? Because if we're trying to win, let's stop and contextualize it in terms of we both love each other, we both want the best thing here. Okay, so then we shouldn't be mean. We should be respectful. We should, we should say yes to the other person's idea first, live in that idea. That was a big thing I learned about collaborating. I think it's really helped me in business. Like when someone else has an idea, instead of immediately giving my, my gut reaction, which can often be the opposite or why it's a bad idea.

• 39:04Speaker 02

  Instead, I will usually spend about five minutes trying to be that person's wingman on that idea. And you'd be shocked. The emotion goes away, the emotional resistance and the skepticism often will fade and five minutes later, if you really commit to being the wingman on that person's idea, you, five minutes later, you will often love that idea. It's been one of the greatest tools. And it, and that's, and that's something that I use in relationships. I had a breakdown moment with my sister where We were just at my place and I started crying and I was like, I'm just so tired of hating you.

• 39:41Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 39:42Speaker 02

  I don't, I feel like a horrible person. This is not the brother I want to be to you.

• 39:48Speaker 02

  I don't know what we're doing wrong, but we have to fix something here. And she was crying too. And we just had like a really beautiful talk about what we really want out of this whole thing. And I think to go back to your original question, when you're arguing with family, I think people forget like what the final goal is, which is like, we all want a good thing. And now with my parents, it's like, we have a more transparent relationship. We communicate about, about, you know, anything that's coming up. We talk about it openly. And there's a respect that's there, even when the opinions, which as you saw in the movie, opinions run strong constantly in my family, but now there's a respect that, that says like, okay, well, you know, this is why I disagree with you, blah, blah, blah, but I get it, you know, and then we move on.

• 40:32Lewis Howes?

  Hmm. Wow. That was fascinating.

• 40:35Speaker 02

  So I know I talked a lot, that coffee's really kicking.

• 40:38Lewis Howes?

  I like it.

• 40:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:39Lewis Howes?

  I'm curious, you know, I don't want to spoil the end of the movie for people because I want people to watch the movie. It's really great. It's still on Netflix right now?

• 40:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:46Lewis Howes?

  Still on Netflix. Go watch it. I learned so much about myself and in relationships, how I am in relationships from watching your experience.

• 40:54Speaker 02

  Oh, that's awesome.

• 40:54Lewis Howes?

  So it was really cool.

• 40:55Speaker 02

  Oh, that's the best thing you could have said. That's great.

• 40:57Lewis Howes?

  It was really cool. So, but I'm curious.

• 40:59Speaker 02

  What was the thing that, can you think of one thing that like, I don't want to put you on the spot, but what was?

• 41:03Lewis Howes?

  Well, I think it would spoil the surprise of the end of the movie if I say.

• 41:06Speaker 02

  Really? You can't tell me a theme without telling me how it ended? I'm really pressing. Really pressing. I'll tell you what, think about it. Go on to your question.

• 41:15Lewis Howes?

  I'll come back to it. Yeah.

• 41:16Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 41:17Lewis Howes?

  My question is, what is the biggest thing you learned about relationships for yourself? After ending the relationship in the movie, what was the biggest thing you learned from going on all these dates? And I guess without spoiling it.

• 41:30Speaker 02

  Yeah. Uh, that's another, I guess we have two questions to come back to.

• 41:36Speaker 02

  Um, I'll take a step.

• 41:37Lewis Howes?

  You were afraid of the commit, you were afraid of the commitment.

• 41:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was afraid of the commitment.

• 41:40Lewis Howes?

  You weren't sure if it was the right thing.

• 41:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:42Lewis Howes?

  Took a break.

• 41:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:43Lewis Howes?

  Went out and spread your, you know, seed to say, not, not, not literally, but you, you know, you went out there.

• 41:49Speaker 02

  In the context of the film, I think my fears were that by breaking tradition, I was going to, uh, I'm, I was going to put myself in a position to essentially not succeed in love. And, uh, I think the biggest lesson is that love, like, look, there's this one thing that, you know, I mentioned this on, when I was on Bill Maher the other night. Like, there's three major, uh, three major kind of, I don't know, guideposts to a successful relationship. But depending on what model of marriage you were raised with, you put emphasis on different ones of those pillars. So, so the main pillar here in the, in, in America is actually love.

• 42:32Speaker 02

  It's this chemistry, this feeling that you just want to be around each other. Most Americans put almost all their eggs in that basket and that's why the minute it's gone.

• 42:41Lewis Howes?

  The relationship's gone.

• 42:42Speaker 02

  The relationship's gone. There's these other two pillars that are really important and those are the ones that my parents entirely based their marriage on. Cause obviously they were arranged, the love didn't come till later. One of them is compatibility. That's what the biodata, this matrimonial resume, resume is premised on. Essentially it's like, you know, this idea that if we come from the same place, we speak the same language, read the same kind of foods.

• 43:03Lewis Howes?

  Experiences.

• 43:04Speaker 02

  We're also going to want the same things in life and we're going to be able to create this team. We're going to, we're going to be able to work better together as a team because we're going to be going to the same place together.

• 43:13Lewis Howes?

  If you don't want the same things, it's going to be hard to be compatible.

• 43:16Speaker 02

  Exactly. Which is something that a lot of people, for whatever reason, skip over, it seems. And then the other one is commitment. The idea that this is about more than just you. When you are in a relationship, the commitment is the most important thing. It's, it's not unlike a startup. It, it really isn't because you're, you know, you, you've worked with co-founders before. I've obviously had co-founders before. Anytime you're doing something that matters and is worthwhile. The, the most important obstacle in intimacy, whether it's in business or love is conflict. So that is actually, that's where the juice is.

• 43:57Speaker 02

  If you're doing 10,000 hours to get, become an expert or anything, they'll tell you the difference between good and great is that part that's necessarily not fun. That's where the breakthrough is. It's the best part of a workout. It's the part that you hate the most. Yeah. So.

• 44:11Lewis Howes?

  When the legs start to shake and can't breathe and.

• 44:14Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah. That's when the good stuff is. You have to learn how to squeeze the juice out of the, out of the good stuff, which is the hardest stuff.

• 44:20Lewis Howes?

  Commitment, compatibility and love are the three pillars of.

• 44:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:24Lewis Howes?

  A successful relationship.

• 44:25Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah. And it's, it's so, I think, I think we're now, it's becoming something that.

• 44:32Speaker 02

  You know, people are becoming increasingly aware of. I mean, there's a big movement for, I mean, this podcast is entirely premised on positive psychology, right? And then so you have positive psychology, you have behavioral economics is a new, is a new, uh, is new branch of academia, right? These are all things that have come as a result of living in a more frenetic world where we're overwhelmed with, with choices and, and stimuli. You know, we're watching eight shows, you know, we're on our laptop while we're watching TV and, you know, now, so now there's, we have to actually focus harder to be happier. Uh, and to make, and to make choices because now we're pickier.

• 45:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 45:09Speaker 02

  I don't know where I was going with that. I just lost it, but.

• 45:11Lewis Howes?

  It's all good.

• 45:12Speaker 02

  You know where I was going.

• 45:12Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. So you, you know, when did you meet your current wife?

• 45:17Speaker 02

  What's that?

• 45:17Lewis Howes?

  When did you meet your current wife?

• 45:19Speaker 02

  Met her, let's see, probably two and a half.

• 45:22Lewis Howes?

  Two and a half years ago.

• 45:23Speaker 02

  Two and a half, three years ago.

• 45:24Lewis Howes?

  Oh, really? And when did you guys get married?

• 45:27Speaker 02

  We got married twice. So we had a small wedding in November, which was like an intimate kind of 30 person thing. And then we had the big Indian shit show in November and that was like six.

• 45:38Lewis Howes?

  Where was that?

• 45:39Speaker 02

  North Carolina.

• 45:41Lewis Howes?

  Like the whole week long thing?

• 45:42Speaker 02

  It was, yeah, it was insane.

• 45:44Lewis Howes?

  Wow, man.

• 45:45Speaker 02

  It was so much fun.

• 45:46Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 45:46Speaker 02

  We had a blast. My parents, uh, my parents.

• 45:50Lewis Howes?

  It's like their dream.

• 45:51Speaker 02

  This is their, yeah, this.

• 45:53Lewis Howes?

  This is their Super Bowl.

• 45:54Speaker 02

  This is their Super Bowl. I mean, and when I tell you like every time I like FaceTimed with them, there's like 40 other Indians in there. Like it was, you know, the national convention for. This wedding, they had so many people working, you know, in the Indian culture, like they don't hire a wedding planner. One of the friends takes over. And they're all there like planning the wedding, all the parents.

• 46:15Lewis Howes?

  You don't have any say on the napkins and the food?

• 46:18Speaker 02

  No, I have say. I mean, you know, I think I manage, I imagine it varies from family to family. But my parents' wish was like, hey, we'd rather you not have a say in most things. Cause we got a lot of opinions here.

• 46:30Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 46:30Speaker 02

  And, you know, my thought was, well, great. Cause I got other things to do. So, you know, you know, I gave them some notes. There was three things that I said really mattered to me. One of which was like, I don't want to be so tired. I want to be able to actually enjoy it. So I don't want to be over scheduled. You know, my wife was pregnant. So I was like, I, we need to be able to schedule breaks for her. And I also said, I want Saturday night, I want, I want every, I want my crew done at 11. So I can, uh, so I can throw my own after party and they made that happen.

• 47:02Lewis Howes?

  That's amazing.

• 47:03Speaker 02

  Through a little bus party, started at 11, it was great.

• 47:06Lewis Howes?

  And she's not Indian, right?

• 47:07Speaker 02

  She's not. She looks it, but she's not. This is close enough. Yeah. She's half white, half Afghan.

• 47:12Lewis Howes?

  Did you think you were gonna eventually marry an Indian girl after this experience or?

• 47:16Speaker 02

  No.

• 47:17Lewis Howes?

  No. Or did you know you didn't want to marry an Indian girl?

• 47:19Speaker 02

  I knew it didn't matter that much. And that was like, you know, that was the beginning of kind of that thing where I, it was just, I was like, you know, it's, you know, it's a big deal. Like, like all this stuff, I was, all this emphasis I was putting on culture and tradition and, and the norms. Um, and the expectations. It was all, like, the reason why I really cared about all that stuff, when I really thought about it was just because I love my family and I want that relationship to continue to grow. And when I bring someone else into it, I want them to be a value add to this thing. And my fear was that they would come in and divide it.

• 47:54Lewis Howes?

  Gotcha.

• 47:54Speaker 02

  And in order for them to come in and be a value add, all they really need is to love me, to be committed to me, and to also have that same respect and commitment towards my family. I want, I, I wanted a girl who can come in and, uh, you know, and be the daughter-in-law that my parents always wanted. And it's just gonna be, you know, it's, it's, it's just about being thoughtful. And that's not a religious or cultural thing. It's just like a good person thing who gets what family's about.

• 48:23Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. Did you have any fears in getting married?

• 48:26Speaker 02

  Of course. I mean, I still do. Dude, it's the hardest thing in the world.

• 48:31Lewis Howes?

  What are the big fears?

• 48:32Speaker 02

  I just told you I was in couples therapy. It's not, it wasn't entirely because of good things.

• 48:37Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 48:39Speaker 02

  Fears? Yeah. First of all, monogamy is crazy. Yeah. Well, like I just alluded to, it's crazy. That doesn't mean it's not an incredible thing. Sure. But if you live in LA, okay? And, and you're a dude who's been, let's say, let's say you're like a handballed athlete slash football player slash a guy who wrote a book called The School of Greatness. I think at the end of that rainbow, we're hoping for more vaginas. That's on a, on a very psychological, on a primal level, that is part of the pot of gold. It's primal, yeah. Yes. Sure.

• 49:23Speaker 02

  So, you know, look, in the last year, I've had a hit documentary, I was on a TV show on Fox, Master of None ended up being like the biggest show. I was on Bill Maher a couple of weeks ago, and you know what? Well, you know what my pot of gold was? Love.

• 49:42Speaker 02

  Right. I look, it's great, but it's partially because you have to, you have to convince yourself that it's great. Sure. We've been handed this thing, no, man, I've been doing it a bit, but like, yeah, it's hard, man, because you, it, there's sacrifice, right? I mean, you really have to figure out what matters to you in life. You do have to kind of think about the ego stuff of like the sexual validation that you can get when you're, when you're kind of gaining power and attention.

• 50:10Speaker 02

  But I've found it really. And when you were growing up. Cleansing. Right. For me to have to choose, to have to choose. Yeah, it's kind of like, I mean, when you're doing a cleanse, you're giving up, I'm like, I went from cleansing to literal cleanse, yeah.

• 50:27Speaker 02

  When you're doing a cleanse, you're like, all right, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna have milkshakes for three days, I'm not gonna do chocolate chip cookies. It's tough. I'm not gonna do pizza. By the way, those are three of my favorite things in the world. Me too. Okay, great.

• 50:39Speaker 02

  Why are you giving it up for three days? Because you think this other thing is better, right? That's as, it's about as great analogy as I can give you, okay? I'm giving up some things that I know are delicious. Yes. Okay, but I'm investing in this thing that will be the best meal of my life. And the more I learn about it, the more I invest in it in terms of the commitment, the teamwork. It's like the beauty of going deep of like, what's great about love? You know, it's like you get into all this crazy stuff with the person because we're all crazy, right? And then you start working through it. And in the process of doing that, you're actually, how many people in life are going to be that? They go that deep a dive in yourself.

• 51:25Speaker 02

  It becomes a mirror on your, on your own psyche and your own spirituality. And that is an incredible gift when you find a partner who's willing to do that kind of deep dive with you. Because ultimately it becomes a journey of self-discovery. It's the most beautiful thing, man. Right. But it's hard, dude. We, you know, we got married at a time when I was working, I don't know, 13 hour days or whatever. And, and she's pregnant and it's a big Indian wedding, you know, and, and, and she was in her first trimester and she was vomiting every day. Stressful. It was beyond, I mean, just being that sick makes you depressed and like, and we were just going, and you know, we were just going through, and we'd only been together for like two, two, two and a half years.

• 52:11Speaker 02

  A lot, and bought a new place that we're renovating. There's just a lot of change and, and that caused, that puts stress on the thing. Yeah. And it was really hard and we had some really, like, we said some ugly things. We had some big fights. But just like, just like that euphoric feeling of when a hangover goes away.

• 52:32Lewis Howes?

  I've never had that feeling.

• 52:33Speaker 02

  You've never drank. I knew that about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh, just when you're sick.

• 52:37Lewis Howes?

  Sugar high.

• 52:38Speaker 02

  Imagine when you're sick for like and how depressed you get when you're sick.

• 52:40Lewis Howes?

  It's gone.

• 52:41Speaker 02

  And that you that first time you go running or yeah, that feeling.

• 52:43Lewis Howes?

  It's the best.

• 52:44Speaker 02

  It's the best.

• 52:44Lewis Howes?

  So grateful. You're like, oh, so grateful for my legs and everything.

• 52:47Speaker 02

  Yeah. The, the, what, what happens when you come out of a, a fight is if you do it right, it's euphoric. And it's euphoric, not only because it's gone, but because if you do it right every time, if you're both committed to using it as an opportunity, then you'll always come out of it being better at fighting and you'll be better at understanding each other, better at learning these things about yourself. You'll come out of it committed to, um, to fixing these things about yourself, uh, that you want if, not only because you want to be a happier, better person, but because you want to be a better person to this other person on your team, which also comes back to you because that makes that person better to you.

• 53:23Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 53:24Speaker 02

  It's an, it's an awesome, beautiful thing and you have to focus on that while all the, you know, hot, you know, models are walking by at dinner.

• 53:33Lewis Howes?

  So you're saying it's even harder for you now? I mean, cause I remember in the documentary, you talked about how you had like one girlfriend or something or like two girlfriends going out maybe.

• 53:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:41Lewis Howes?

  So you didn't have all these opportunities.

• 53:42Speaker 02

  No.

• 53:42Lewis Howes?

  In your early twenties, really being out here.

• 53:45Speaker 02

  No, I mean, I, I was crushed it with Indian girls because I felt like, I felt like I was like the cool. I felt like I was like the cool Indian. I was just confident for whatever reason. I was like, oh, they want me. Maybe they did or not. You know, it's a self fulfilling thing when you're confident and, uh, conversely, when I'm around non Indian girls, I would friend zone them because I assumed that that's all they want.

• 54:06Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 54:06Speaker 02

  Um, but.

• 54:08Lewis Howes?

  But now you're everywhere.

• 54:10Speaker 02

  No.

• 54:10Lewis Howes?

  And everyone recognizes you. So you find it even more challenging?

• 54:14Speaker 02

  But they're just all too late. Like I just tell them like, I just don't need that validation anymore.

• 54:18Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 54:18Speaker 02

  I'm full. Yeah.

• 54:19Lewis Howes?

  There you go.

• 54:20Speaker 02

  This would have been great, like five, 10 years ago. I have so many, like my single friends go like, I can't tell you, some of them are just obsessed with their like, there's like, this is a disaster. They're like, how are you single now? How are you not single right now?

• 54:33Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, right.

• 54:34Speaker 02

  And I'm like, you know what, man?

• 54:35Lewis Howes?

  It's all good.

• 54:35Speaker 02

  It's just too late. I, I'm, I like.

• 54:37Lewis Howes?

  Thirty seven now, thirty eight, right?

• 54:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm thirty seven. Like I just, that stuff doesn't matter to me now. Like I'm just. I'm just really like, you know, the funny thing happens depending on, you know, I think in our in the achievement generation, these people like we're all obsessed with like doing big things, doing well at work. I think our emotional growth is a little stunted where we don't really go through that big transformation from like adulthood to man, if that makes sense. Like there's this thing that happens where you really, you stop trying to be the guy you want to be and you become the person you are. And that happened to me sometime in the last three, four years. I

• 55:19Speaker 02

  know who I am. I like myself. I know for the most part, the things that I need to work on. I forgive myself for them. And I am also really grateful for the people who love me. And those are the only people's validation I really seek are the people who I need. Love wise. And once you have that, these other things become so insignificant. They just become like little moments of appetite, you know, they become cravings.

• 55:46Lewis Howes?

  Of course.

• 55:47Speaker 02

  You know?

• 55:49Lewis Howes?

  Those cravings can be addictive sometimes.

• 55:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:52Lewis Howes?

  It's like a drug.

• 55:52Speaker 02

  All the time. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's, that's our country's battle with sugar.

• 55:57Lewis Howes?

  I know.

• 55:57Speaker 02

  Is entirely premise.

• 55:59Lewis Howes?

  That's why I did the cleanse because I'm like addicted to sugar. I go.

• 56:02Speaker 02

  If you do the cleanse for a week, you can totally get off sugar.

• 56:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to be off sugar for a while.

• 56:06Speaker 02

  And caffeine is a good thing to get off of.

• 56:08Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, I'm on caffeine.

• 56:09Speaker 02

  Really?

• 56:10Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 56:11Speaker 02

  I just had a cup of coffee before I talked to you because I was like, oh, you know why? Because I had three drinks at dinner last night and now I'm too old where apparently I can't have three drinks without feeling hungover, which is bananas. That three drinks gave me a hangover. So I'm like, oh, I need to drink coffee before I go on Lewis thinks. So I don't, I'm not entirely dumb and boring. Now I can't stop talking.

• 56:31Lewis Howes?

  No, you're good. Well, I want to wrap it up with a few final questions. This has been great. And I want to make sure everyone goes and watches the, the film. It's Meet the Patels.

• 56:39Speaker 02

  Meet the Patels.

• 56:40Lewis Howes?

  And it's on Netflix. Check it out. Where can we connect with you online the most? Where do you hang out with?

• 56:44Speaker 02

  Uh, I am on Twitter and Instagram at show me the ravi.

• 56:49Lewis Howes?

  Show me the ravi.

• 56:50Speaker 02

  Show me the ravi. Oh, it's so lame. Uh, but yeah, big fan of Jerry Maguire.

• 56:56Lewis Howes?

  Me too. I like that.

• 56:57Speaker 02

  Show me the ravi on Twitter and Instagram.

• 57:00Lewis Howes?

  Okay. That's where you hang out the most.

• 57:02Speaker 02

  That's where I hang out. Oh, I hang out on Facebook the most, but those are people I know. Whoever's listening to this, you can't be in that club.

• 57:07Lewis Howes?

  I want to add you there.

• 57:09Speaker 02

  Yeah. Are we not Facebook friends?

• 57:10Lewis Howes?

  Maybe.

• 57:11Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 57:12Lewis Howes?

  What's the vision going forward? You've created so much in the last 10 years since you've been here. What is the main vision now? Like, what do you want to create for yourself in this, in this world?

• 57:21Speaker 02

  So I, you know, I think it's just about doing things that in some way teach me about myself and bring me closer to the people I love. So like, for example, we, oh my God, I don't know what we're talking about. I have a granola bar company. This bar saves lives. For every bar we sell, we donate a lifesaving meal packet to a child in need. That was a really cool thing at the time because I was like, you know, I want to do things that impact the world. Now, actually, I'm more of like, I'm more thinking, okay, I want to build a neighborhood here in LA that is entirely premised on positive psychology and there's like no cell phones there for, like, I'm thinking about

• 58:01Speaker 02

  building the perfect community to raise happy and socially and emotionally intelligent children. So I'm thinking about more on a smaller level. I'm thinking about family. I'm thinking about community. Like, I would love to just have my own bar that's in this neighborhood like that. There you go. Like, I'll be Woody at Cheers.

• 58:20Lewis Howes?

  Right, right.

• 58:21Speaker 02

  I think it's, it's just about, I guess it's also about, you know, I've, I've put so much effort towards output. And I'm, I'm naturally drawn to output, even when I talk, even when I say things like I'm saying now. But I want to become a person who puts more, more value on input. I want to be one of those guys who just sits around and like you call him, he's like, what are you doing? He's like, nothing. I think that's a great quality as I get older. I just want to hang out with my kids, be a good dad. But yeah, I'm.

• 58:52Lewis Howes?

  What's, what's the biggest lesson you think you still need to learn about yourself?

• 58:58Speaker 02

  I mean, there's so many, but I, I mean, first of all, just listening to that advice I just said right now. Like, I'll probably still attempt to do five.

• 59:07Lewis Howes?

  Right, right. You'll still be outputting everything, yeah.

• 59:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'll be writing, directing, and acting, and a million things, and investing. I get very excited.

• 59:14Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 59:14Speaker 02

  Um, I think the biggest lesson, um, wow. Uh, for me, for me, it's always about mindfulness. Like, whenever things get negative, or, um, like negativity for me begets frenetic kinda mindset. Like, I just have too many thoughts. I'm a little rudderless. And, you know, when I say mindfulness, I mean, really contextualizing my goals and my pursuits into my, my like bigger life

• 59:48Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 59:48Speaker 02

  journey, like what ma- what actually matters to me. Um, cause it's really easy to get excited about a million things in the world for the wrong reasons, especially these days, because no generation has ever had more access to more cool stuff.

• 1:00:04Lewis Howes?

  It's true. Stuff, ideas, people, all those things.

• 1:00:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:09Lewis Howes?

  Interesting.

• 1:00:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, do you feel that way at all? Do you feel?

• 1:00:11Lewis Howes?

  Absolutely, man, yeah.

• 1:00:11Speaker 02

  Do you, do you feel like?

• 1:00:12Lewis Howes?

  A lot of distractions.

• 1:00:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, do you feel like that's a day-to-day struggle for you, where you're able to figure out your distractions, or do you feel pretty focused?

• 1:00:19Lewis Howes?

  No, I mean, it's just, I'm pretty focused, but there's so many opportunities.

• 1:00:22Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:00:22Lewis Howes?

  Sure, for you too, there's a new opportunity every day for you.

• 1:00:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:24Lewis Howes?

  Like, let's work on this project, and this project. And that's what I have as well. And that's a problem.

• 1:00:29Speaker 02

  It's a problem.

• 1:00:30Lewis Howes?

  To say no to all the cool stuff out there, I think it's hard.

• 1:00:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:00:33Lewis Howes?

  And to focus on your vision of what really matters.

• 1:00:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, because, well, the more opportunities you get, the more, at least for me, I was just telling this to someone the other day. The more opportunities that you get, the more filters you have to throw into how you make those decisions.

• 1:00:47Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:47Speaker 02

  But those are actually really awesome filters. They're just luxuries that most people aren't used to having.

• 1:00:52Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:00:53Speaker 02

  You know, like, for my dad, who came here, he borrowed money from his entire village to come here.

• 1:00:57Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:00:57Speaker 02

  He, his filter was, will it allow me to, uh, will it, will it provide my kids a better education? Will it allow me to pay rent? And by, it was like, very basic.

• 1:01:10Lewis Howes?

  Simplified, yeah.

• 1:01:10Speaker 02

  Basic kinda blue collar stuff, which is what most people, and then, you know, we're in this really cool place, and I imagine a lot of your listeners are, where you get to think of this, these triple bottom lines, these other, these other things beyond just making a living, and those are I mean, there could not be more valuable in understanding what those met like how we measure those metrics and how we play them in our lives. It's just such a privilege. It's like a beautiful, I don't know. That's what your whole podcast is about.

• 1:01:40Lewis Howes?

  What are you most grateful for in your life?

• 1:01:42Speaker 02

  My family.

• 1:01:42Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:43Speaker 02

  It is pretty, pretty obvious. What about you? Do people not ask you these questions? You look generally stumped.

• 1:01:51Lewis Howes?

  A lot of people don't.

• 1:01:51Speaker 02

  Generally stumped.

• 1:01:52Lewis Howes?

  It only happens once in a while, but what I'm most grateful for today is my health. I mean, I think every day is my health first because, you know, if I'm not healthy, that's the only thing that matters.

• 1:02:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, you definitely take care of yourself. You know, I want to revise one of my answers. That's my biggest issue is is taking care of myself. Yeah, I'm, my wife is very focused on.

• 1:02:14Lewis Howes?

  Do you do every other diet there is, right?

• 1:02:16Speaker 02

  I'm just, I'm just.

• 1:02:17Lewis Howes?

  Either super clean or super over the top.

• 1:02:19Speaker 02

  I'm just, I'm just an extreme. Yeah, I, I'm trying to be, I've gotten way better. Just by living in LA, you're already, your baseline's a little healthier, but still I can, you know, I've now, you know, we live in Venice, so now I, and she cooks like vegan food all the time.

• 1:02:34Lewis Howes?

  Right, right, right.

• 1:02:34Speaker 02

  But when she leaves town, the, I mean, it gets crazy.

• 1:02:38Lewis Howes?

  It's whatever you want. It's a free for all.

• 1:02:39Speaker 02

  There's just, there's like pizza, ice cream and cookies everywhere.

• 1:02:42Lewis Howes?

  That's it. I gotta come over sometime then.

• 1:02:45Speaker 02

  Next time she goes out of town, let's have a sleepover.

• 1:02:50Lewis Howes?

  Okay, final couple of questions. I want to wrap it up for you.

• 1:02:53Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 1:02:55Lewis Howes?

  This is the three truths question. I don't know if you've heard at the end of the episodes. It's the end of the day for you. It's the last day, many years from now. Your whole family's there. Everyone you love is there and everything you've ever created is erased. It's gone.

• 1:03:08Lewis Howes?

  The, the biggest documentary of all time is, is gone. You know, all those things you've done, right? And you get to write down on a piece of paper, the three things you know to be true about your life and your experience and what you would pass on as the lessons for everyone else in your family. What would be your three truths?

• 1:03:26Speaker 02

  I love this question.

• 1:03:30Speaker 02

  Ah, God, I just, I feel like I'm already going to very cheesy places. Do people always end up, okay, can we make a deal before I give you this answer? After I give you my three truths, can we evaluate whether or not they were good answers? Even though that's not something you're supposed to do?

• 1:03:45Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 1:03:46Speaker 02

  Can we collectively judge the answers?

• 1:03:48Lewis Howes?

  If you want to.

• 1:03:48Speaker 02

  I would love to.

• 1:03:49Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:03:49Speaker 02

  Okay. Three truths.

• 1:03:51Lewis Howes?

  Three truths.

• 1:03:52Speaker 02

  One is that the more love you give, the more love you feel, the happier you are.

• 1:04:03Speaker 02

  One, two, and three are all the same. One equals family, okay? Two, focus on what you have, be grateful for what you have,

• 1:04:15Speaker 02

  and forgive and let go of the stuff you don't, and do the same on to others if you want to love them. You know, most people, and one of the biggest conflicts in relationships is people tend to focus on changing the things they don't like instead of loving the things that they do.

• 1:04:28Lewis Howes?

  Mm hmm.

• 1:04:29Speaker 02

  Okay?

• 1:04:29Lewis Howes?

  That's good.

• 1:04:30Speaker 02

  Number two, I feel really good about number two.

• 1:04:31Lewis Howes?

  That's a solid one.

• 1:04:32Speaker 02

  From when we go to critique it.

• 1:04:33Lewis Howes?

  I like that one.

• 1:04:34Speaker 02

  Right off the bat.

• 1:04:34Lewis Howes?

  I like that a lot.

• 1:04:35Speaker 02

  I like number two. Okay.

• 1:04:39Speaker 02

  Number three.

• 1:04:43Lewis Howes?

  Final truth.

• 1:04:44Speaker 02

  Three, final truth.

• 1:04:45Lewis Howes?

  This is your message to the world.

• 1:04:49Speaker 02

  Okay, I'll make number three a School of Greatness exclusive.

• 1:04:54Lewis Howes?

  All right.

• 1:04:55Speaker 02

  Nobody is talented. You will only do as well as the work you put into it. Do you like that? Did that make sense? I feel like it could have been worded better.

• 1:05:05Lewis Howes?

  However you want to word it.

• 1:05:07Speaker 02

  No, see, okay, let's get into the judgment phase.

• 1:05:09Lewis Howes?

  I liked it.

• 1:05:09Speaker 02

  Three was great, I just didn't say it well. It wasn't eloquent, but it was great.

• 1:05:13Lewis Howes?

  It was great.

• 1:05:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I really feel this way, people aren't.

• 1:05:17Lewis Howes?

  No one's talented, we're only as talented as the work we put into it.

• 1:05:20Speaker 02

  There's a perception of talent, there's a perception of innate, like some sort of innate gift. The only innate gift you have is the environment that you were brought into. But for the most part, I see it day in, day out, the most talented people are often not the people who succeed.

• 1:05:35Lewis Howes?

  They work the hardest.

• 1:05:36Speaker 02

  The hustlers always.

• 1:05:37Lewis Howes?

  And they're consistent.

• 1:05:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, and at least hustle is something you can bank on.

• 1:05:41Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:05:41Speaker 02

  The rest is a game of poker. God, I wish that was my number three.

• 1:05:46Lewis Howes?

  We'll edit it in for you.

• 1:05:47Speaker 02

  Let's, let's talk about your honest critiques of the three things. In fact, I know you're a pleaser, so you're going to say nice things about the three things. I want you to tell me the negative things about the three things. Here's an exercise that I know you suck at. Go ahead. Does he suck at it? What's your name?

• 1:06:02Lewis Howes?

  Tiff.

• 1:06:02Speaker 02

  Tiff, Tiff, listeners.

• 1:06:04Lewis Howes?

  The first, okay, the first one. What was the first one?

• 1:06:09Speaker 02

  Unbelievable. Do you remember the first one? Family, family, love is, love is what you give.

• 1:06:14Lewis Howes?

  Yes, family.

• 1:06:15Speaker 02

  The love you get is the love you give.

• 1:06:17Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 1:06:17Speaker 02

  Okay. Do you feel good about that one?

• 1:06:19Lewis Howes?

  Yes. The love you get is the love you give. Yes.

• 1:06:22Speaker 02

  Yep, that's right.

• 1:06:23Lewis Howes?

  You get out of anything what you put into it.

• 1:06:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, but also just, it's, it's more a statement about happiness in life.

• 1:06:28Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:06:28Speaker 02

  Like, the more positivity you put out, like, generally speaking, the more you get, you, you get. I mean, I feel like everyone on your side is.

• 1:06:36Lewis Howes?

  The giving is in the giving.

• 1:06:36Speaker 02

  That's right. That's right.

• 1:06:37Lewis Howes?

  The giving is in the giving. I think.

• 1:06:38Speaker 02

  This isn't a negative criticism. You're just, you're just clarifying.

• 1:06:41Lewis Howes?

  I am. I think you're, I think you're on to something. I think you're on to something. I think.

• 1:06:45Speaker 02

  I want your listeners.

• 1:06:47Lewis Howes?

  The key to fulfillment in life that I've learned is contribution and growth. When we are giving to other people, we are the most fulfilled. When we're learning, when we're growing, we are fulfilled, we're happier. So if you're talking about happiness and love.

• 1:07:02Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:07:02Lewis Howes?

  When we're giving and making about service, that's why I talk about, for me, it's about impacting 100 million people in my lifetime. I want to serve as many people as I can. And maybe I'll never reach that number, but for me, it's going to be the pursuit of service.

• 1:07:15Speaker 02

  Yes, yes. And you know what? You're hitting on an even bigger primal need that we have. You know, we talked about sex, but the biggest primal need is actually primal need amongst male and females is purpose. That's really, I mean, when you look at, have you ever been to, have you ever taken someone to an AA meeting?

• 1:07:34Lewis Howes?

  No.

• 1:07:35Speaker 02

  I've had the fortune of taking a number of people there.

• 1:07:38Lewis Howes?

  Sure, never been.

• 1:07:39Speaker 02

  It's a, it's a beautiful thing, but it's something that everyone could use. It's, it's mostly premised on community and giving people a sense of purpose. And they're kind of given a form where they say, hey, in addition to someone being here to help you, you have to help. Other people.

• 1:07:55Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:55Speaker 02

  And that's actually what helps, you know, in many ways, people create their own feeling of self-confidence and, and makes them want to wake up.

• 1:08:04Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, mentoring, you know.

• 1:08:05Speaker 02

  Mentoring makes you feel good about yourself.

• 1:08:07Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, of course. So I like that one.

• 1:08:08Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:08:08Lewis Howes?

  Um, the second one was.

• 1:08:10Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 1:08:11Lewis Howes?

  They're all good.

• 1:08:12Speaker 02

  This is hard.

• 1:08:13Lewis Howes?

  They're all good. They're all great.

• 1:08:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:08:14Lewis Howes?

  You did a great job. Give you an A. A for you, too.

• 1:08:18Speaker 02

  Dude, I love talking to you, man. I'll tell you, and I, I, I should have told you this earlier, but I think what you're doing is really important work.

• 1:08:25Lewis Howes?

  Thank you.

• 1:08:25Speaker 02

  And, you know, I think I probably tweeted this to you, but I'm a, I'm a big fan of your show. Um, but I, I feel like I'm almost a bigger fan of, of, of the legacy that you're attempting.

• 1:08:36Lewis Howes?

  I appreciate it.

• 1:08:37Speaker 02

  The personal legacy. I think it's, it's important work and hopefully, you know, you're touching people's lives. It's a good thing.

• 1:08:42Lewis Howes?

  Appreciate it. Thanks, man. Thanks, man. Well, I've got one final question for you.

• 1:08:45Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:08:45Lewis Howes?

  Before I ask it, I want to acknowledge you for a moment.

• 1:08:48Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:08:48Lewis Howes?

  For, I want to acknowledge you for your humor, because I think the world needs more humor.

• 1:08:53Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:08:53Lewis Howes?

  I think we need a lot more humor in our world when we have a lot of stress and anxiety and fears and doubts and insecurities. We need to have more fun.

• 1:09:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:09:00Lewis Howes?

  So I want to acknowledge you for your humor. I want to acknowledge you for your courage in putting yourself fully out there in a documentary about your relationship. Because I think that's probably one of the most scary things to do, is to document a relationship and a breakup and the process of not knowing what you're supposed to do in a relationship. So I want to acknowledge you for, the reason why it's such a big documentary is because you're impacting so many people. And I want to acknowledge you for that courage and that I probably would have after five years stopped a project, but you were able to stay committed to make it happen.

• 1:09:31Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 1:09:31Lewis Howes?

  And it's really inspiring to see that you pushed through the, the messiness with your family and your sister to put this message out there.

• 1:09:38Speaker 02

  Oh, thank you.

• 1:09:39Lewis Howes?

  So I want to acknowledge you for, for all that you're doing and the joy you bring to the world.

• 1:09:42Speaker 02

  Oh, that's really kind, buddy.

• 1:09:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:44Speaker 02

  God, are we gonna make out? This is amazing.

• 1:09:46Lewis Howes?

  Yes.

• 1:09:46Speaker 02

  This is great.

• 1:09:47Lewis Howes?

  Final question. I want to make sure everyone you go follow my man over on Twitter, Show Me The Rubby.

• 1:09:52Speaker 02

  Show Me The Rubby.

• 1:09:54Lewis Howes?

  On Twitter and Instagram.

• 1:09:55Speaker 02

  Twitter and Instagram.

• 1:09:56Lewis Howes?

  And, uh, check out the, the Netflix show. It's amazing, the movie.

• 1:09:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:00Lewis Howes?

  Um, anything else we want to send people to before I ask the final question? Is there another website that you have or?

• 1:10:05Speaker 02

  I think, I think that's it. I'm very excited. I want people who are listening to this to tweet at me.

• 1:10:11Lewis Howes?

  Show me the Rubby.

• 1:10:12Speaker 02

  And, uh, what's your at?

• 1:10:14Lewis Howes?

  Lewis House.

• 1:10:14Speaker 02

  Okay. I want you to tweet at us and critique the three things.

• 1:10:19Lewis Howes?

  There you go.

• 1:10:20Speaker 02

  Ideally, you're actually critiquing the critiques of the three things.

• 1:10:25Lewis Howes?

  Oh, man.

• 1:10:25Speaker 02

  For example.

• 1:10:29Speaker 02

  One, one, uh, uh, Lewis's, Lewis did a great job of not saying anything bad of Ravi's three things.

• 1:10:37Lewis Howes?

  There you go.

• 1:10:37Speaker 02

  Despite what, you know, stuff like that.

• 1:10:39Lewis Howes?

  There you go. Tweet us both. Show me the Ravi and now Lewis house.

• 1:10:42Speaker 02

  You know what tweets we're gonna get?

• 1:10:43Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:44Speaker 02

  Uh, at show me the Ravi. You're a disrespectful asshole for asking these questions to Lewis. Anytime I ask any sort of a challenging question on like a radio show or a podcast, there's always these listeners, oh, they're just like, you, you arrogant. People are, dude, the Bill Maher tweets, oh, my God.

• 1:11:01Lewis Howes?

  Crazy, huh?

• 1:11:01Speaker 02

  Oh, my, I, I had a very rude.

• 1:11:03Lewis Howes?

  They're still coming in probably, right?

• 1:11:04Speaker 02

  Oh, it's crazy. Well, I had a very rude moment where I lost it and I just, yeah, and I totally demeaned this woman. I mean, the crowd went crazy.

• 1:11:13Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 1:11:13Speaker 02

  They loved it.

• 1:11:14Lewis Howes?

  But the interwebs went crazy as well.

• 1:11:16Speaker 02

  And rightfully.

• 1:11:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:11:17Speaker 02

  Hate city out of every, like.

• 1:11:19Lewis Howes?

  It's like Donald Trump.

• 1:11:20Speaker 02

  She said, well, she was talking about how much she loves Trump and she wrote a book about why everyone should have a gun. And then she went on this whole thing about how great of a guy Trump is. And at this point, I had read her entire book.

• 1:11:30Lewis Howes?

  Wow, you really prepared.

• 1:11:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, and, and the book, it was just poorly researched. I just really did not enjoy it. And then I'm nervous as how, um, it's like the most barbaric environment for a conversation, you know, when people are like cheering you on. And then she says all these things about Trump and I just let my emotions get the best of me and I go. I just, I just were, yeah, well, you wrote, you wrote a book called Emily Gets a Gun, so I don't think that really, I don't think your point of view really matters.

• 1:11:57Lewis Howes?

  Wow.

• 1:11:57Speaker 02

  It was so childish and I was, I felt really bad about it because that's, that's actually antithetical to how I believe you should handle conflict. It's not what I've, I should have said something.

• 1:12:05Lewis Howes?

  Not putting someone down and making fun of someone.

• 1:12:07Speaker 02

  Exactly. Like, I should have actually said something that was an intelligent rebuttal that felt her, that created a safer space for her to have a real conversation.

• 1:12:17Lewis Howes?

  Back with education and facts.

• 1:12:19Speaker 02

  Education and empathy, you know, it's like that, hey, you, your point of view does matter because we want to get through this.

• 1:12:25Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:25Speaker 02

  But whatever. Anyway, Twitter went nuts and people were, more people were on my side. And I'm like, yo, I don't want your hate either. Like, I don't want to be a part of either one of this. I messed up.

• 1:12:35Lewis Howes?

  Sure, sure. All good. Uh, well, this has been great. I appreciate it. I have one more question for you.

• 1:12:39Speaker 02

  One more question.

• 1:12:40Lewis Howes?

  And that's what's your definition of greatness?

• 1:12:44Speaker 02

  My definition of greatness. Oh, man. Greatness is optimism. Is that, no? Is that what I want?

• 1:12:56Lewis Howes?

  You tell me.

• 1:12:58Speaker 02

  Greatness. Yeah. Greatness is actually being optimistic. If like it's, it's not opportunity. It's not optimizing. It's being optimistic. If you can be happy and positive and grateful day to day, your life will be great.

• 1:13:19Lewis Howes?

  Ravi Patel, thanks for coming on, man.

• 1:13:21Speaker 02

  All right, brother.

• 1:13:21Lewis Howes?

  Let's go make out.

• 1:13:23Speaker 02

  Thanks, man. I appreciate it.

• 1:13:26Lewis Howes?

  There, you have it. I hope you guys enjoyed the bromance of Lewis and Ravi. That's right. Make sure to say hi to Ravi over on his Twitter and Instagram. All of his information and about how you can watch his documentary. Check out his shows. Everything he's done is back at lewishouse.com/349. And if you enjoyed this, please tweet me and let me know what you thought about this. And also tweet Ravi as well and let us both know what you thought. Share it with your friends. For all the busy entrepreneurs out there and all the business owners, Bench is the online bookkeeping service that pairs you with a team of dedicated bookkeepers who use simple, elegant software to do bookkeeping for you.

• 1:14:08Lewis Howes?

  And by using Bench, you can cross bookkeeping off your list forever and focus on what matters most around what you love in your business. Now, for School of Greatness listeners, you receive 20% off your first six months of bookkeeping with Bench. Make sure to go to bench.co/greatness to receive 20% off. Again, that's bench, B-E-N-C-H.co/greatness and get 20% off and never have to do bookkeeping ever again. And if this is your first time here, make sure to subscribe to the School of Greatness podcast. We get over 1.3 million downloads a month. And it's because of people like you that come on every single episode or new people.

• 1:14:53Lewis Howes?

  People who come on and subscribe and then share the message of greatness. So if you like to be great, if you want others around you to be great, then please subscribe and share this episode because we are bringing incredible guests, inspiring people from all walks of life on these interviews every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and I would love for you to be part of the journey with us. So thanks again for subscribing, thanks for listening or watching, and you know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.