Pod Insights The School of Greatness 225 10 Ways to Stop Jealousy from Sabotaging Your Relationships with Chris Lee About this episode "Sometimes our imagination runs wild in the wrong direction." - Chris Lee If you enjoyed this episode, check out show notes and more at http://lewishowes.com/225. Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX
Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Lewis Howes? This is episode number 225 with transformation coach Chris Lee.
0:07 Lewis Howes? Welcome to the School of Greatness. My name is Lewis Howes, a former pro athlete turned lifestyle entrepreneur. And each week we bring you an inspiring person or message to help you discover how to unlock your inner greatness. Thanks for spending some time with me today. Now let the class begin.
0:33 Lewis Howes? Welcome everyone back to the School of Greatness Podcast. My name is Lewis Howes. Thank you so much for being here. It means the world to me. If this is your first time here, thank you. I'm so blessed and grateful that you showed up. If you've been here before, then welcome back. We've got a great one today. His name is Chris Lee. He's been on here more than anyone else has been on the School of Greatness Podcast. We'll have it all linked up for the other episodes he's been on because you're going to want to make sure to check those out after this one. At the show notes at lewishouse.com/225. So make sure to go back there after this episode. But we've got a powerful interview today because we talk about jealousy.
1:14 Lewis Howes? Now I've actually don't know too many people that talk about this on podcasts or blogs or videos. It's not really talked about how to overcome jealousy and how to really make sure that you don't allow jealousy to ruin your life, your emotions and your relationships. This could be intimate relationships, professional relationships, family relationships. But sometimes jealousy controls us and consumes our mind so that we can't actually move forward in a powerful, loving way. And in order to create great results in life, you've got to have incredibly loving relationships.
1:53 Lewis Howes? If they're filled with jealousy and fueled by that, then it's going to be tough to communicate and work well together. Now I've, you know, been in many relationships, both, you know, intimate relationships and friendships and family and other things where I've experienced jealousy in a major way completely. And I think that stems from a lot of insecurities growing up is having that jealousy. But I've learned over the years as I've matured and as I've learned. That what jealousy does to me when I allow it to consume me, how it affects me and realize that it doesn't serve me in any way, then you know, I've, I've learned to grow beyond it. Now, listen, I still get jealous from time to time and I think that's human nature
2:38 Lewis Howes? in a lot of ways, but we definitely have tools available for us to not let it control us, to recognize when it happens. And in this episode, we talk about the 10 ways to overcome jealousy and not let it control you or sabotage your relationships. So I'm super excited about this and I think you're going to get a lot out of this. So make sure to share this episode, LewisHowes.com/225 with your friends because it is going to be powerful. And please tweet me at Lewis Howes and at Chris Motivador and let us know what you enjoyed from this episode the most. Now let's go ahead and dive into this episode with the one, the only Chris Lee.
3:23 Lewis Howes? Welcome, welcome, welcome back everyone. This is the sixth time that Chris Lee is in the house. Oh my God, no way. We are very excited about this. People have been asking for you to come back on. You're like the resident therapist for everyone out here. I meet so many people who love you, who listen to the podcast and say, Chris Lee is my favorite. Thank you for having him on. When are you having him back? So I'm super pumped for this. And you talked to me a week ago and you said, I've got a great topic. Yes. And you said, it's about jealousy and the 10 ways to stop jealousy from sabotaging your relationships. And I said, that is a topic I've never really heard anyone talk about. Right.
4:05 Lewis Howes? And probably something that could save a lot of relationships and empower so many people. And coming from my own experience of being a jealous boyfriend and many, many relationships and just allowing my jealousy to control me and consume my thoughts. I mean, I talked to so many men specifically, I know women face, deal with this as well, but I talked to so many men who are in relationships and it's like their egos consume them and their minds play tricks on them of like, what's their girlfriend doing or the girl they're interested in or their business partner, what are they doing? You know, all these different things that like our mind plays these stories.
4:43 Chris Lee? In our head, right? Where we think people are doing things and we get jealous for no reason. Well, we use our imagination. Sometimes our imagination runs wild in the wrong direction. Wrong direction. It can be powerful in the right direction. Yeah, your imagination is like Einstein has said in his quote, imagination is more important than knowledge. But when your imagination runs wild in the wrong direction, it could create a lot of unnecessary drama. Drama and sadness and pain and misery. Well, it could go to every level that you could even think of in terms of, you know, your imagination could actually have you sabotage great things. Yeah.
5:25 Chris Lee? And it's not just in relationship. I want to be clear about this. Jealousy, you could have career jealousy. You could be jealous of your friends. You could be jealous of your spouses, your children. You know, your child likes to hang out. Your child likes to hang out with someone else's dad. Oh. You know, and that could cause jealousy. Right. There could be jealousy, professional jealousy. Somebody's further along than you are in their career. And maybe they're not working as hard and you're just jealous. You could be jealous of your employees. Yes. They came up with an idea you didn't come up with. So jealousy is all across the board. I want to be clear about this. All relationships, not just an intimate relationship. Professional relationships, personal relationships, social relationships.
6:07 Chris Lee? We could be jealous of the neighbors because they have a better car than we have or a nicer house. Or a pool in the backyard or whatever. A pool in the backyard. You could be the gym jealous of the guy working out next to you because he's got a better body than you. Right. Or you're a girl and you're jealous of the blonde that lives next door who's really skinny, you know. So jealousy is something that affects all of us at some point or another. And I'm talking about unhealthy jealousy because there's also jealousy that's healthy when it's not out of control and you keep it in check and you're able to go, oh yeah, this person is doing better than I am. Let me strive to be better. Oh.
6:48 Chris Lee? Or let me be a better husband or a better father or a better son or a better businessman. But when jealousy goes spiraling out of control, it could cause anxiety. It could cause stress. It could cause a lot of unnecessary drama. Right. To the point where people can't stand to be around us anymore.
7:11 Chris Lee? And you could take a relationship that is full of love.
7:14 Lewis Howes? Yes.
7:15 Chris Lee? And someone who loves you and cares about you and is visualizing their future with you, and you could destroy that to the point where that person that loved you, maybe they still love you, but they are running in the opposite direction.
7:31 Lewis Howes? Hmm.
7:32 Chris Lee? And if we don't have the right tools to deal with this, then what we'll end up doing is sabotaging our relationship.
7:38 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
7:38 Chris Lee? And given that my mission and your mission is to empower people and to bring them tools that will transform their lives, I believe that these 10 steps and these 10 keys could really make a huge difference.
7:50 Lewis Howes? That's crazy.
7:51 Chris Lee? And where the topic came from was actually in one of my seminars, I had a student of mine who is married to the most incredible guy in the world. She loves him. He's a successful lawyer. And, you know, he's a great businessman, father, et cetera. And when she first met him, it was amazing. But he has developed this paranoia to the point where when they go to restaurants, he has her facing the wall.
8:21 Lewis Howes? No.
8:22 Chris Lee? Because he doesn't want her looking at anybody. He's afraid people are looking at her. He checks her messages. He checks her Facebook accounts. He hacked one of her email accounts. I mean, this guy is out of control.
8:36 Lewis Howes? Wow.
8:37 Chris Lee? And so she's like, you know, if something doesn't shift, I'm out of here.
8:41 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
8:42 Chris Lee? And so I believe that if we have the right tools and we're able to face up to this, we could transform it.
8:51 Lewis Howes? It's amazing.
8:52 Chris Lee? And so not only is this podcast going to be great for those of you that have that jealous attack, but also how to deal with somebody who's jealous.
8:58 Lewis Howes? Yes.
8:59 Chris Lee? Because it's both, it's two things.
9:00 Lewis Howes? And we're never taught how to do this. We're never taught how to overcome like these feelings, these emotions that are, it's like a prison we're in when we feel jealous.
9:08 Chris Lee? Right.
9:08 Lewis Howes? You know, I could only imagine what prison would be like because we create that for ourselves and our own body when we are in that conversation and in that madness dream of jealousy of what's happening. And we're never taught, no one teaches us growing up how to overcome jealousy or how to, uh... You know, change the script or how to communicate it about it with the person that you're jealous about or whatever it may be.
9:32 Chris Lee? And when you think, and when you think about what, what, what the source of a lot of jealousy is, it's our ego. That is always competing and we always need to be number one and we always need to be the best and we gotta be the best looking, the smartest, the prettiest, the brightest, the fastest. Uh, the number one team. I'm sure that in sports, there's a lot of jealousy. Have you ever experienced that?
9:55 Lewis Howes? Of course, yeah.
9:56 Chris Lee? Jealous of other teammates or jealous because the coach is paying attention to other players. You know, it shows up in, in our relationships. You know, you're always comparing yourself to someone prettier, smarter, hotter, more powerful. And what we don't realize is that we're only looking at superficial attributes and we're not realizing the reason why people are with us. Is because of something that can't be measured.
10:19 Lewis Howes? Ooh.
10:19 Chris Lee? You know, there's something so powerful and something that, you know, I don't know why. You're one of my best friends.
10:26 Lewis Howes? Right.
10:26 Chris Lee? It's not just because of what you do and what you have, it's who you are.
10:31 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
10:31 Chris Lee? There's an element that attracts people to you and that element is priceless.
10:38 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
10:39 Chris Lee? And I believe that every human being on the planet has an element that's priceless.
10:42 Lewis Howes? Hmm.
10:43 Chris Lee? And when you don't value that, then you create insecurities. So this is an amazing topic.
10:48 Lewis Howes? I'm excited.
10:49 Chris Lee? We're gonna talk forever about this. This is really cool.
10:52 Lewis Howes? Yeah, I'm excited about this for myself because you know, as a teenager in early twenties, I would, I would say that. I was easily wrapped up in being jealous for different reasons, whether it be sports or girlfriends or whatever it may be.
11:04 Chris Lee? Sibling jealousy.
11:05 Lewis Howes? Sibling jealousy. Yeah, my brother was always, you know, the greatest in the world and what he did and I was like, what do I need to do to catch up?
11:10 Chris Lee? Musician.
11:11 Lewis Howes? Exactly, yeah.
11:12 Chris Lee? You know.
11:12 Lewis Howes? So there's always a, there's always been a level of jealousy.
11:15 Chris Lee? What about me? I'm the youngest of five and so I was jealous of everybody.
11:18 Lewis Howes? Exactly. Yeah, yeah.
11:20 Chris Lee? And they were jealous of me because I got all the attention.
11:22 Lewis Howes? Right, exactly.
11:23 Chris Lee? You don't realize it.
11:24 Lewis Howes? Reverse jealousy, yeah. And for me, I feel like I've definitely evolved and grown up from allowing jealousy to control me, but it still creeps in from time to time. My ego flares up. I'll run stories and, and you know, dream in my head about what could be happening with certain relationships or whatever maybe in my life. And it doesn't serve me one bit and it doesn't serve the relationship at all. So I feel like I've evolved a lot and I've grown a lot, but there's still so much more to overcome.
11:53 Chris Lee? Well, as we develop our self-worth and as we develop our self-value and as we become more appreciative of what we are and what we have, jealousy diminishes.
12:05 Lewis Howes? Hmm, that's nice.
12:06 Chris Lee? Yeah, so that's something that we'll be talking about for sure.
12:09 Lewis Howes? Yeah, so when you're a teenager, you're probably going to be at the peak of your jealousy and then hopefully it'll diminish as you continue to evolve as a human being.
12:16 Chris Lee? Well, it has to do with emotional intelligence.
12:17 Lewis Howes? Exactly, exactly.
12:18 Chris Lee? And part of what emotional intelligence is, is the ability to handle your emotions and the ability to handle interpretations. Because usually your imagination is truly a series of interpretations and perceptions.
12:32 Lewis Howes? Yeah, exactly.
12:32 Chris Lee? And these are disempowering perceptions.
12:35 Lewis Howes? Exactly, yeah. Well, I'm excited. We've got 10 steps. I don't know what they are yet, but Chris has them right in front of him. And he's, uh, he's gonna be explaining to me, so I'm excited to learn as I'll listen to myself.
12:46 Chris Lee? And we'll develop it together.
12:47 Lewis Howes? Yes.
12:47 Chris Lee? So obviously the first step to stopping jealousy from destroying our relationships is to accept it and acknowledge it.
12:57 Lewis Howes? Accept the jealousy?
12:58 Chris Lee? Accept I am jealous, accept that I have this pattern, acknowledge it, own it. Because if I don't accept it and I don't acknowledge that I have this jealousy tendency or that I am jealous, then...
13:16 Chris Lee? It's gonna destroy my relationship. Gotcha. So how do we accept it? What's the process for accepting it? So the process for accepting it is to identify what's causing in me this stress. Why am I, you know, exaggerating with my imagination what's happening? You know, so it's acknowledging the behavior as a breakdown. Okay. As an excessive breakdown. For example, if I find myself posting on my girlfriend's Facebook page or posting on my husband's page or, you know, making some outrageous Comments or
13:57 Chris Lee? Comments or passive aggressive behavior is a way of identifying it. Knowing that I'm feeling uncomfortable around certain people and interpreting their behavior as offensive. So when I feel like I'm gonna lose something, when I feel like there's loss, like I'm afraid, because when you think about jealousy, it's about afraid of losing something. You're afraid of losing that relationship. You're afraid of losing that job. You're afraid of not being enough. So accepting it is just acknowledging it. It's owning it. It's speaking it. It's identifying that I am jealous in this specific area. Okay.
14:40 Chris Lee? So when I was able to own the fact that when I was coming up as a trainer, that I was comparing myself with other trainers and I was feeling jealousy, the minute I was able to own it and go, okay, I'm jealous. Yeah. You know, just knowing it and acknowledging it and sometimes speaking it to somebody else and communicating it with somebody else and having a dialogue that you actually admit and acknowledge and accept that you're a jealous person.
15:09 Chris Lee? You know, it doesn't make you less of a person. It doesn't make you an alien. You know, it means you are a human being and you've got flaws.
15:19 Lewis Howes? Sure.
15:19 Chris Lee? And the first step to overcoming any flaws to accept it.
15:22 Lewis Howes? Okay.
15:23 Chris Lee? And to own it.
15:24 Lewis Howes? There you go.
15:24 Chris Lee? You know, so you get to own it and those of you listening and you know that, you know, maybe you're not jealous in all areas, but maybe I want you to think about it. In what areas of my life is jealousy hindering my capacity to create joy and love and success? Am I jealous in my friendships? Am I jealous in my relationships? Am I jealous with my children?
15:47 Lewis Howes? Family, yeah.
15:48 Chris Lee? Family, professional? Where am I jealous? I want you to identify. And what you could do is journal about it. Write down the areas of my life where I experienced jealousy are.
16:00 Lewis Howes? Right.
16:00 Chris Lee? And by acknowledging it and owning it, then you gain power over it.
16:06 Lewis Howes? Sure, yeah.
16:06 Chris Lee? As long as you're in, no, I'm not jealous, or someone else is jealous, or, you know, you're pretending not to know something, then it has power over you.
16:15 Lewis Howes? Hmm.
16:16 Chris Lee? So the first step is to accept it and to acknowledge it and to own it.
16:20 Lewis Howes? Perfect.
16:21 Chris Lee? Okay, once I accept, I acknowledge and I own it, step number two is feedback. Get feedback from your spouse. Get feedback from your children. Get feedback from your boss. And, you know, be honest. I noticed that I'm feeling tense around you. I noticed that I'm experiencing jealousy. What's your experience of me? How am I showing up to you?
16:45 Lewis Howes? And what if they say, no, you don't, you're not, I don't seem like you're jealous at all.
16:49 Chris Lee? Then maybe you're not. Maybe it's in your head.
16:51 Lewis Howes? Maybe it's all just you, yeah.
16:52 Chris Lee? Yeah. Or maybe it's a, or maybe it's a private conversation you haven't made public.
16:57 Lewis Howes? Got you.
16:57 Chris Lee? You know, so it could be one or the other.
16:59 Lewis Howes? And what if they say, yeah, I've been feeling like you're a little jealous or passive aggressive and it really upsets me?
17:04 Chris Lee? Great. And so, thank you for the feedback. I appreciate it. And why I'm asking is because I'm committed to breaking through it.
17:10 Lewis Howes? Hmm, okay.
17:12 Chris Lee? And so, you know, if you have a spouse that says that to you, how's that gonna make you feel?
17:18 Chris Lee? I own it and I apologize and I'm committed to breaking through. You'll feel supported. Yeah. You'll feel loved, you know, and I think it's important to get feedback from persons, from somebody that's around you that is experiencing it. Or feedback from a third party, someone who has nothing to do with the situation that is watching you. A friend or. Your friends see you in action. They're like, hey dude. Yeah. Lighten up. Right. You know, or come on honey, you know, lighten up, you know, maybe a girlfriend that is seeing you because usually the people that are closest to us are the ones that hear our banter about whatever it is that we're upset about. Exactly.
17:57 Chris Lee? And, you know, so feedback, I think is important in any aspect of your life and any part of growth. Being aware of how I'm coming across. And so when you have a third party that is not invested, not, you know, attached to the situation, they could see it. Hmm. Hey, am I coming across as jealous at work? Absolutely. You are making snide comments. You are always demeaning the coworker. You know, you, you are doing little things to sabotage that person because that's what we do. Yeah. We start sabotaging, we get passive aggressive, you know, we, we, uh, you know, start showing up in a way that
18:38 Chris Lee? can cause problems for people and ourselves. And at the end of the day, this is about being joyful and happy. And so is if your behavior is not producing joy and happiness, then you get to shift it. Hmm. There you go. I love it. You know, so you get feedback and, and, uh, find people that are honest with you because sometimes we got people that sell out on us and tell us what we want to hear. Yes. Those are the wrong people to ask. Right. You want someone to say, you know what? This is not working. Right. And so once I get feedback from people, I'm able to really embrace and accept, okay, it's not just me feeling it. It's my partner saying it. It's my friend saying it. I need, and I get to transform this. Hmm. Perfect.
19:24 Chris Lee? So once I'm able to accept it and acknowledge it, like I said, journaling works throughout this whole process. You know, writing down how you're feeling around certain people, writing down the moments that you feel uncomfortable or jealous and who you're jealous of. Why are you jealous of them? What do they have in your mind that you don't, et cetera, et cetera? Or what is the scenario you're afraid that is happening? And then, second step, get feedback. Then you want to ask yourself, and this is an important question to ask to overcome this and break through this. What is my reward for being jealous? What's the payoff? You know, jealousy is a racket.
20:07 Chris Lee? And a racket is an automatic behavior that I use to protect myself. And rackets are not random. They're there because of a reason. They're there as a result of experiences. Maybe in the past, people have betrayed you. Maybe in the past, you were compared. Maybe in the past, you felt like you weren't worth anything. So, the racket is there to protect you, and it also brings you a false reward. And so you want to ask yourself, what's my reward for being jealous? Well, believe it or not, there's a reward. And some people equate love with jealousy. You know, well, I love them so much, that's why I'm jealous. So it's kind of like the prize of loving.
20:49 Chris Lee? And people have a like, you know, a strange interpretation of love. And there are also couples that foster jealousy. Really? Like, they'll do things just for you to get jealous. And that, that, the game that they're playing to get you jealous makes them feel like they're loved. Significant or whatever. And valuable, and, oh, see, he's jealous of me, how cool. You know, it's cool until it gets out of control. But, there's a, there's a payoff. It, it gives me a false sense of control, of power, where that's unacceptable, and I can't believe. And it's like you find people out. You know, there's like this whole conspiracy about it. Yeah.
21:35 Chris Lee? And so, I know that people have a hard time understanding, but there is a payoff. The payoff could also be a negative payoff, like, you know, like, I get to be right that I'm worthless. I get to be right that I can't trust people. I get to be right that people are gonna cheat on me. You know, so, the payoff and the reward is a, a false sense of security of knowing. I'm right. I'm right, and I found them out. Sure. You know, and there's a, there's an ego gratification in that. You know, there's people that love to out people.
22:09 Lewis Howes? Right.
22:10 Chris Lee? And there's people that love to, you know, be right about.
22:13 Lewis Howes? Prove people wrong that they were right about what they were gonna do.
22:15 Chris Lee? Exactly, or I knew I can't trust men.
22:17 Lewis Howes? Right.
22:18 Chris Lee? Or I knew that my son was gonna let me down again, or, you know, maybe you're looking for, for information to be right about an argument with somebody. You know, so there's a reward in all of the behaviors that don't work, there's a reward. It's like, what do you get to be right about?
22:34 Lewis Howes? Sure, okay, so the rewards.
22:36 Chris Lee? That's the third step, and the fourth step is, and this is a critical step, is to identify the prices.
22:43 Lewis Howes? Okay, what does that mean?
22:44 Chris Lee? The prices is what it's costing me to be jealous. What is the cost? What is the price tag?
22:52 Lewis Howes? Hmm, which could all, which could also be the reward in some senses, right? The price could also be, I was right, but it's like, I'm ruining my relationship while being right.
23:03 Chris Lee? Yeah.
23:04 Lewis Howes? Isn't that the price? Wouldn't that be the price?
23:05 Chris Lee? The reward is the false positive, but the, but the price is what is hurting me.
23:10 Lewis Howes? The reality of that reward.
23:11 Chris Lee? The reality, yeah, cuz the reward is not really a reward, it's false.
23:14 Lewis Howes? Yes.
23:15 Chris Lee? So, the price is the reality.
23:17 Lewis Howes? Yes.
23:17 Chris Lee? Yeah, it's tell the truth. And so the price could be, you know, think about people that are jealous, they're, they're paranoid, they're exhausted, they get anxiety, they create in their own minds a reality that doesn't exist. It could cost a, a relationship, the price tag could be that people can't stand to be around you.
23:38 Lewis Howes? Yes.
23:39 Chris Lee? The price is your self-worth is on the ground, the price is, uh, that you could, you know, end up physically hurting somebody. So the price that you, you don't, you're not the only one paying a price, the people that pay around you pay a price.
23:53 Lewis Howes? Emotional abuse.
23:54 Chris Lee? So when you think about prices, think about the prices that you pay, and think about the prices that people pay around you. So the price I pay when I'm jealous is I, I'm on edge all the time. I can't work, I can't focus, I can't concentrate. I don't get to manifest my vision. Joy goes out the window, peace goes out the window, stress becomes my new mantra. And so when I'm jealous and I'm in a jealous rage, blinders come on and I can't see anything around me, I'm wasting life.
24:31 Lewis Howes? Can't see the good around me.
24:32 Chris Lee? Can't see the good around me, I don't appreciate myself, I don't appreciate others. The price I pay could be, I could do things that I regret. The prices other people pay, think about people, when you're jealous, not only do you pay prices, but the people around you pay prices. So, for example, people will withstand accusations that are not true, that's a price. People feel wrong all the time around you. People experience emotional abuse by people that are overly jealous. People can actually experience physical abuse when it's extreme.
25:13 Lewis Howes? And also the
25:14 Chris Lee? Chronic.
25:14 Lewis Howes? And also the emotional abuse can manifest into physical stress, cancer, you know, whatever it may be, if you've got that much emotional stress on you, it creates in your body something physically challenging.
25:26 Chris Lee? And then also what happens is that if I think you're cheating on me, well, I'm gonna cheat on you.
25:30 Lewis Howes? Right, right.
25:31 Chris Lee? And then you're paying, you're paying for something that never happened.
25:35 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
25:35 Chris Lee? So the people around you pay. And so it, it becomes a very toxic situation and the biggest price is our, is our joy and our happiness. You know, it's like life is meant to be a joyful experience. I'll repeat that, life is meant to be a joyful experience, not a stressful experience. And so all this stress is being caused by yourself. And now those of you that are saying, but what if people really are cheating on me and really are betraying me and really are hurting me? Well, then you get to make a choice not to be with those people.
26:09 Lewis Howes? Hmm, or clear with them, have a conversation with them.
26:11 Chris Lee? Or confront the situation and identify the situation and transform the situation. And if the situation doesn't change, then make another choice. But jealousy is still optional.
26:23 Lewis Howes? It's true.
26:24 Chris Lee? You know, it's like it's you could choose to see it as a gift. Well, I'm glad to know that this person is cheating on me. Now I'm gonna go find the the person that I truly deserve.
26:33 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
26:33 Chris Lee? Or now I'm gonna go be with someone that I that deserves me.
26:36 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
26:37 Chris Lee? You know, so even if it's, even if you have a reason to be jealous or a reason to be upset. You're the one that chooses how to see that situation.
26:47 Lewis Howes? Sure.
26:47 Chris Lee? And you're the one that gets to, you know, shift it. So it's really important to see the prices that you're paying and the prices other people pay. And once you're aware of that, the fifth step, and I think this is one of the most important steps, is to get to the source. And at the end of the day, the only person responsible for your jealousy and responsible for your wild imagination is you.
27:13 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
27:14 Chris Lee? And you wanna ask yourself, so what's going on with me? What's happening with me that I am reacting this way or overreacting this way?
27:26 Lewis Howes? What do you, what do you think it is for most people? You know, obviously it's different for everyone, but what's the common thread that comes up for people when they're jealous? Whether it's a wife or their husband or a husband or their wife or?
27:34 Chris Lee? Two things.
27:35 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
27:36 Chris Lee? Either they're so egocentric that they need to be at the center of the universe. And they see people as pawns and they see people as a means to an end. And if they're not in the center of the conversation, you know, people like that, that they'll walk into a room and they gotta be in the center of the conversation.
27:52 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
27:52 Chris Lee? And if it's not about them, they'll take their toys and run away.
27:56 Lewis Howes? Right.
27:57 Chris Lee? Right? It's people like to be right, don't wanna be in control, that wanna look good.
28:01 Lewis Howes? Yes.
28:02 Chris Lee? So either it's that. That, you know, my wife is supposed to be there for me and they wanna be, they're like Uber OCD controllers. Or it's the flip side, absolute insecurity, low self-worth.
28:18 Chris Lee? Insecurity, low self-worth, thinking I'm not good enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not spar enough. Uh, someone that my, the person I'm in a relationship with is gonna find someone hotter than me, funnier than me, smarter than me, you know, and so I'll start making up stories that line up with that. Sure. And so if, if my interpretation and my belief is that I'm worthless, then not only am I gonna feel that my partner's gonna cheat on me, I'm actually be mad at them for loving me. Hmm. It's like. Mad at them for loving me? Yeah, like, like. Why are you loving me? I'm so worthless, like, what do you possibly see in me? Wow.
28:58 Chris Lee? And so then a person that feels worthless, they'll start, uh, seeing the good in everybody else, and then think that that person's gonna be with that other person because there, it's just bound to happen. Hmm. So they're always waiting for the other shoe to fall, to use one of my mom's quotes. Right, right. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to fall, you know, and that's, you know, someone who is expecting the worst. Gotcha. And so the source of feedback is just fear. And when you live in fear and you live in a let, a negative interpretation about yourself, then you're always comparing yourself to other people. Yeah.
29:40 Chris Lee? And, and that happens not just in a relationship, actresses that compare themselves, uh, businessmen that compare themselves, athletes that compare themselves, you know, all across the board. If you have low self-worth and low self-esteem, then you're gonna compare yourself and you're gonna be jealous. And not only that, you will only validate yourself when you have a good result. Hmm. So if you like hit, you know, pass the touchdown pass or. And a lot of people won't validate that. When they have a great result, they say it wasn't good enough. Right.
30:14 Lewis Howes? Or what's next, or?
30:16 Chris Lee? Or they'll, or, or the opposite. I am that touchdown pass.
30:20 Lewis Howes? Right, right, right.
30:21 Chris Lee? And then when it doesn't happen, because nothing lasts forever, you know, we go from hero to zero in a second.
30:26 Lewis Howes? Second, yeah.
30:27 Chris Lee? You know, you could be on the top of the game and you could be on the bottom of the game and, you know, it's who you are.
30:31 Lewis Howes? Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong.
30:33 Chris Lee? Absolutely. If who you are is that result, then when it's not there, you're nothing.
30:38 Lewis Howes? Exactly. I know the topic for our next number seven podcast. It's how to increase your self-worth.
30:43 Chris Lee? Yes, absolutely.
30:46 Lewis Howes? Cause I think a lot of people would be asking that.
30:47 Chris Lee? Yeah.
30:48 Lewis Howes? But this is, uh, figuring out the source.
30:50 Chris Lee? The source.
30:50 Lewis Howes? Number five.
30:51 Chris Lee? And then, so what are the interpretations I have of myself? What are the beliefs I have about myself? What are the interpretations I have about the person that's with me? What are my beliefs? My interpretations about life? And once I'm able to identify the source, step number six is to let it go.
31:11 Lewis Howes? Let the source go.
31:12 Chris Lee? Let the source, let those interpretations go. Shift them. Instead of coming up with your imagination of 10 reasons why your partner would leave you, write a list of 10 reasons why your partner, you know, wants to be with you. You know, and also another thing is, another source of jealousy is the interpretation that if I lose something, I'll have nothing.
31:36 Chris Lee? And so part of letting it go is letting go of the attachment to the person. Letting go of the attachment to the result. So what's the benefit of losing this person? And I know it's crazy and I know it's not. What do you mean losing it? Well, yeah. You, if you're attached to the person you're with, and you feel like you're nothing without them, then that jealousy is never gonna go away.
32:01 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
32:02 Chris Lee? So you gotta find, what are the, the qualities in you? What's the value of you? Without this person, even use your imagination to imagine yourself without the person. And imagine the good things that are gonna come of it. Right. The other things that could come, it may not be the same, but it could be different and still beautiful in its own way. Exactly. Yeah. So letting it go is letting go of the feeling, letting go of the interpretation. It also could be letting go of the emotion. Or letting go of the past. Maybe husband number two is paying the price for husband number one. Right. Or boss number two is paying price for boss number one. Or partner, business partner number two is paying for, you know, business partner number one.
32:45 Chris Lee? I did an exercise yesterday on trust in a training. And I had this woman who said, I don't trust any men. Zero men. Not one. Because of what one man. Not one. I trust none of them. And I go, are you married? Yes. How's that going? Horrible, because I'm always monitoring everything he does. I found a piece of paper with a phone number. I made a fool out of myself. By calling. Because I, because I accused him and it turns out it's his aunt's number. Oh my goodness. And so it's out of control. I trust no men. And the reason why I trust no men is because this one guy hurt me when I was a little girl. And, you know, another guy hurt my mom and then it's like a pattern. Yeah.
33:28 Chris Lee? And so if we don't let that go, we're gonna end up making everybody pay for what one or two people, uh, did to us. And I have a saying that I use a lot. I'd rather have a bruised heart than a boxed heart. A boxed heart, what does that mean? A boxed heart is a heart that's closed, a heart that doesn't trust, a heart that doesn't let anybody in. Because a boxed heart is a broken heart 24/7. Wow. A bruised heart is a loving heart, a joyful heart that every now and then gets broken. Yeah. But it keeps putting out there. It keeps going out there and keeps loving. And so by letting something go, you're letting go of being right. Choose love versus being right.
34:14 Chris Lee? Choose positive versus negative. And so not just letting go of the interpretation and shifting it. Let go of the emotion. Have a good cry. Journal about the things in your life that have caused you to feel stress, anxiety, less than. Maybe your whole life you were told you were worthless. Maybe you had a coach that just abused the shit.
34:42 Lewis Howes? Crap out of you.
34:43 Chris Lee? The crap, sorry, I almost said. I caught, I caught myself that abused you. Maybe you had a, you know, devil wears Prada boss that treated you like you were nothing.
34:54 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
34:55 Chris Lee? And so that affects our self-worth. So letting it go is a very important step, you know, to transforming this. And shifting the interpretations, shifting the beliefs. Create a new story.
35:07 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
35:08 Chris Lee? How about this? Start believing your spouse.
35:12 Lewis Howes? Mm hmm.
35:13 Chris Lee? You know, I went to a concert with my business partner. Believe him. You know, start believing the people around you. Stop doubting, stop searching. Now, if something comes up and you have, and you have a valid reason, then check it out with the source. And like I said, if the person's not, you know, treating you how you deserve to be treated. If the person is cheating or the person is, you know, the boss is disrespecting or, you know, you, you feel like you're being bullied or something. Well, it's your responsibility to step out of it.
35:45 Lewis Howes? Yeah, and one of the challenges, we were talking about this before, if someone is so jealous all the time of you, it's putting you on this leash. It's making you feel trapped or like you don't have freedom to be yourself. And it's probably going to make the person want to give you reason to be jealous. When you do that, right? It's going to want them to want to get away from you to get their space, to go hang out with other people who are accepting and loving of them, which could cause even more jealousy. But you've got to be able to be trusting in order to let go of some of that.
36:15 Chris Lee? I call it loosen the leash. Loosen the leash. Because jealous people wanna keep a tight leash around people. Mm hmm. And it's, it's give people space. And if you're listening and you're jealous husband, give your wife space. Mm hmm. Let her go out with her friends. Trust the process. Yeah. Don't micromanage. Nobody wants to be micromanaged. Yeah. You know, if you're jealous of, you know, your boss or your coworkers, give them space. You know, it only creates more drama. And by truly shifting and transforming those beliefs and transforming those interpretations, you create a different environment around you. Yeah.
36:59 Chris Lee? And step number seven is to create a vision. We could never miss out on that word, vision. I believe it's the first chapter in your book. It is, yes. Of course it is.
37:11 Chris Lee? What is your vision for your relationship? What is your vision for your career? What is your vision for your family? What is your vision for your health? And use some of those things that you're jealous about. Maybe some, you're jealous of somebody who's doing something you wanna do. Mm hmm. To develop that. Maybe you're jealous of somebody who's able to work out in a way that you can't work out. Develop that. Maybe you're jealous because, you know, your neighbor's nicer to your kids than you are. Develop that. What's my vision for myself? What's my vision for my family? What's my vision for the world? And really get connected to that vision. And part of journaling is writing that down. Take the time.
37:56 Chris Lee? What's my vision for my relationships? What's my vision for myself? What's my vision for my self-worth? Hmm. And by getting clear on your vision and visualizing it, being connected to it, then you could create what's necessary, the conversations and interpretations that are necessary for that vision. There you go. And transform your relationships.
38:22 Lewis Howes? I love it.
38:22 Chris Lee? Yeah.
38:23 Lewis Howes? Vision is everything.
38:24 Chris Lee? Yeah, vision is the, is the heartbeat to everything.
38:27 Lewis Howes? And when you're not clear on what you want, you'll be getting whatever's left over. You'll be getting all the leftovers that you don't want, so.
38:34 Chris Lee? And once you're clear on your vision and clear about what you are committed to causing in your relationships and, you know, you're clear on the barrier of jealousy and you've accepted it and you acknowledged it. You've gotten feedback from people and feedback from a neutral party. You're, you've identified the rewards, you've identified the prices that you pay that others pay. You got to the source of it. You started letting it go. You created a vision. Then step number eight is to create an action plan. So what actions could I take in my relationships that will foster love and unity? Well, I could, you know, give people space. I could trust people. I could let it go.
39:18 Chris Lee? I could give up the attachment, the control that I want to have over people. The action I could take is to celebrate when a partner or a coworker gets a promotion.
39:31 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
39:31 Chris Lee? Instead of sabotaging the promotion.
39:34 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
39:34 Chris Lee? Or I could celebrate that my, you know, girlfriend, wife, husband, boyfriend, significant other has other friends other than me. You know, I could celebrate people's accomplishments and turn envy into appreciation.
39:49 Lewis Howes? Yes.
39:49 Chris Lee? And by creating that, I start creating a different environment around me. An environment of love and support and, you know, and, and an environment of prosperity and abundance.
40:05 Lewis Howes? Yes. Yeah, I remember in the, in the previous relationship years ago, I was in, I remember achieving things and being so excited to want to share it with my, with my partner and.
40:17 Chris Lee? That's healthy.
40:18 Lewis Howes? And she would like get upset when I would express it with her and talk about it. She would get upset, she would get down, she would talk about, I wish I was doing certain things in my life. And she would automatically take the wind out of my sails.
40:32 Chris Lee? Wow.
40:32 Lewis Howes? And make me feel bad for achieving things.
40:35 Chris Lee? Right.
40:35 Lewis Howes? And never was like, never smiled or never was happy or hugged me and it was like, let's celebrate.
40:40 Chris Lee? I hear that a lot.
40:42 Lewis Howes? And it was the worst feeling in the world. It made me not want to create more great things in the world. It made me not want to do anything.
40:48 Chris Lee? Or not share it with her.
40:49 Lewis Howes? And not share with her too, because I was just like, this is not.
40:52 Chris Lee? And not include her.
40:53 Lewis Howes? Yeah, and I think the best way to support your partner or anyone in any type of relationship is to be excited and empower them to create more great things in the world. Is to create a ripple effect, not take away their joy, take away their gifts, but inspire them to keep creating.
41:11 Chris Lee? Yeah, what we end up doing is we clip people's wings.
41:13 Lewis Howes? Yes.
41:15 Chris Lee? And instead of being the wind beating people's wings.
41:18 Lewis Howes? Hmm.
41:18 Chris Lee? And when you're generous with people, people will be generous with you. It's the law.
41:23 Lewis Howes? That's it.
41:24 Chris Lee? You know, when you inspire and you wait, when you are a valuable team member that is excited about your team and their success and you want to forward a team, you become a valuable businessman and a valuable employee and a value, valuable partner. If you're the owner of a company and you're jealous of your employees, you're gonna, you're gonna clip their wings.
41:44 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
41:45 Chris Lee? You know, it's our ego that wants to be the best. You know, I'm somebody that everyone I coach and everyone I work with, I've been in this work for 28 years. But if I could pass on to you 28 years and millions of people that I've impacted and you can create something way beyond I did, I'm excited. I'm not jealous.
42:07 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
42:08 Chris Lee? Because to me that, I'm proud.
42:10 Lewis Howes? Yeah.
42:10 Chris Lee? You know, because I think that the biggest thing we could do is to forward each other. And if you want your relationships to last, people need to feel inspired by you, not limited by you.
42:21 Lewis Howes? Hmm, so true.
42:23 Chris Lee? You know, if you want your relationships to last, they need to be inspired. And that means every relationship.
42:28 Lewis Howes? Hmm, I love that. So that was number eight?
42:31 Chris Lee? Number eight.
42:32 Lewis Howes? Okay, awesome. Taking action, creating that action plan.
42:35 Chris Lee? Number nine is to have a support system.
42:39 Lewis Howes? To keep you on track?
42:40 Chris Lee? On track, like, so people, so the same people that you asked for feedback, you know, maybe it's a friend, maybe it's a coach. I, and I know you've heard this a lot, I am a firm believer in having people coach me, having people support me.
42:59 Chris Lee? I'm, I know I'm a powerful man. I know that I'm capable and, but I've got, because I've got a network of support and a network of coaching and a network of development, I'm able to continue being the best I could be. And part of this is having a network of support, people that know what you're working on. And if you're working on professional jealousy, have someone that knows that that could support you. If you're working on your self-worth, because by elevating self-worth, jealousy decreases, then have, have a partner.
43:33 Lewis Howes? Yes.
43:34 Chris Lee? Have a buddy. Have someone, you know, that is going through the same thing and that wants to work with you on it. Hire a life coach. Participate in a seminar. There are lots of seminars around the world that give you the opportunity to really uncover and redesign the beliefs that you live from such that you experience a transformation. Read.
43:57 Lewis Howes? Listen to podcasts.
43:58 Chris Lee? Read Lewis Howes's new book.
44:00 Lewis Howes? Yes.
44:01 Chris Lee? You know, these are all things that just contribute to me being an effective human being, an emotionally intelligent human being, and live a life of joy and peace.
44:14 Lewis Howes? Yeah. I mean, I'm, I'm big on having a support system and, you know, sometimes it can be, you know, the support doesn't serve you. At the end of the day, you've got to be able to make your decisions and go with what your gut says. But the support, having a coach, I've got coaches in many different areas. You coach me. I've got other coaches. I've got mentors who I, who I, you know, who aren't coaching me. I've got friends, you know, but I'm constantly reaching out for feedback and support. And I think.
44:39 Chris Lee? Well, I think that's what has you be effective and, and authentic, and it has you be real and people relate to real. People relate to authenticity. And if you're truly committed to transforming an area of your life, then I recommend having a coach or a buddy or a partner that's going to support you with that. And even even your own partner, like even the person that, you know, honey, you know that I have, I've owned that I'm jealous and I really need you when you see that I'm going overboard. Just kind of, let's pick a code word. You know, we could pick a word that, you know, because sometimes you're aware of it and you let it go and it's just a pattern. Yes. And it takes time to practice letting things go and new behavior.
45:25 Chris Lee? I say it takes anywhere between sixteen, ninety days of rigorous practice to shift a habit. And, uh, you know, a lot of studies on human development and shifting habits will agree that it takes sixty to ninety days of practice to shift a habit. And jealousy is a racket and it's a habit. And you could enlist your partner or your friends, you know, you know, your friends know when you're jealous of who they're hanging out with because of the, you know, the passive aggressive question. So you went out to dinner with so and so. So when these people see that that's happening, they get to remind you. Yeah. And your response, of course, will always be, thank you. Yeah. So that is the ninth step. Perfect.
46:08 Chris Lee? And the final step I say is celebrate your victory. Celebrate that you have broken through this. Every time you shift your response, you get to acknowledge yourself in a positive way, like, you know what? Good for me. Yeah. You know, uh, and, and, you know, also journal about that celebration, like, what's the lesson? You know, I think that part of celebration is identifying the lesson. Lesson learned is a powerful gift in your life. Lesson learned is a means for celebration. And if you fall down again, then start all over again. Acknowledge it and just go through these steps again.
46:51 Chris Lee? You know, because I think that it's with practice that you're gonna be able to shift things. And if you're somebody, I want to talk about this, uh, before we finish the podcast. If you're somebody that is with someone who's jealous, have them listen to this podcast. There you go. Send it to your friends. That is, send it to your, hey, you know what? Uh, this is feedback for you. I love you and you know what? You're gonna ruin your relationship with your wife, or you're not gonna have the best uh work ethic, you know, the best work relationships. That also could hinder progress. You might not get a promotion because of it.
47:26 Lewis Howes? Yes.
47:27 Chris Lee? You know, you might miss out on a lot of things. So if you've got somebody that's jealous in your life, send them this podcast because they're definitely gonna benefit from it.
47:34 Lewis Howes? And if you're, and if you are a jealous person and you're listening to this and your partner or your friend is jealous, you guys both have a jealous relationship, whether it's intimate or non-intimate. I would say, share it with that friend and say, listen, I want, come from a loving place and say, I acknowledge that I've been jealous. I feel sometimes you are as well. We both acknowledge that. I want us to work on this together.
47:56 Chris Lee? Wow, that's a great idea.
47:57 Lewis Howes? As a jealous couple, where we're both jealous.
48:00 Chris Lee? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
48:01 Lewis Howes? I want us to acknowledge it and both listen to this and work on it together. And journal about this and celebrate our victories and talk to each other about it. Um, and figure out a game plan because it's not serving our relationship anymore and I want it to work.
48:15 Chris Lee? And the reason why we're doing this podcast is because it's worth the attention. It's worth looking at it because it could save a relationship. It could save a life. It could save
48:24 Lewis Howes? Your health.
48:25 Chris Lee? Quality of life. It could save your health. And I want feedback from you guys, you know, write on this podcast uh where there's where you could write comments about how you use this podcast to how it helped you and how you used it. You know, it's gonna help you if you use it.
48:40 Lewis Howes? Yes. So leave a uh comment uh below this podcast and the blog. I'll give you guys the link to where to go in a second, but also Chris is on Twitter, at Chris Motivador. How do you spell that?
48:53 Chris Lee? M-O-T-I-V-A-D-O-R.
48:56 Lewis Howes? There you go.
48:57 Chris Lee? Motivador and Instagram, ChrisLee65.
49:01 Lewis Howes? There you go.
49:02 Chris Lee? And my Facebook page, very important.
49:05 Lewis Howes? What is it?
49:06 Chris Lee? Chris Lee Motivational Trainer.
49:09 Lewis Howes? Perfect. We'll have it all linked up here in a second. So make sure to comment uh and connect with Chris. Let him know what you thought. Let him know what inspired you the most about this episode over on Twitter and Facebook as well as on the blog. Let's do a quick recap of the 10 points. So if you guys missed any of them, we'll just do them quickly. And you can write them down as well.
49:29 Chris Lee? Okay, so the first key is to accept and acknowledge. The second is feedback.
49:37 Chris Lee? Ask for feedback from the people that are around you that are experiencing your jealousy and how they feel about it, or a third party, someone who's outside of it, but is seeing you in action. Identify the rewards. What are the rewards that I am getting out of this? Because there's a reward. Yes. Number four is the prices that I pay and others pay. Identify those prices.
50:02 Chris Lee? Five is get to the source. What are the interpretations and the feelings? And where is this coming from? Six is to let go. Let go of those feelings and those interpretations. Seven is to get clear on my vision. Number eight is action. Number nine is support, and number 10 is celebrate. And this is the 10 ways to stop jealousy from destroying your relationships and sabotaging your relationships.
50:38 Lewis Howes? There you go. Chris Lee, it's always a pleasure. This is episode number six with you. We'll have all the other episodes linked up from the previous ones. Make sure to check them out if it's your first time coming because they're going to change your life. Some really powerful ones, but super honored that you come, keep coming back on.
50:55 Chris Lee? I love it.
50:56 Lewis Howes? And I'm so grateful that you're in my life and in everyone's life on the School of Greatness podcast. You enhance us, you elevate us, and you are the wind beneath our wings. So thank you for lifting us up and very excited. So make sure you guys share this out. Thanks, Chris, for being here and we'll see you on the next episode coming soon.
51:15 Chris Lee? Wait, you forgot to ask me a question.
51:16 Lewis Howes? Oh, the final one? Do you want to answer it again?
51:18 Chris Lee? Yeah.
51:19 Lewis Howes? Okay. What's your definition of greatness?
51:22 Chris Lee? See, I'm a, I'm a member.
51:23 Lewis Howes? That's good.
51:24 Chris Lee? I'm a regular member.
51:24 Lewis Howes? What's the definition right now?
51:26 Chris Lee? My definition of greatness is gratitude.
51:31 Chris Lee? Being grateful for everything in my life, grateful for you that you're in my life, grateful that I'm alive, that I get to be here today, because I may not be here tomorrow. So I live in gratitude.
51:43 Lewis Howes? There you go. And that's one of the keys to greatness, gratitude. Chris, thanks for coming on. Appreciate it.
51:48 Chris Lee? Thank you.
51:52 Lewis Howes? Wow. There you have it, guys. I hope you got a lot out of this podcast, whether you're a jealous person or not. I hope you saw the value in it. And you can use these steps and these tools for yourself, but also for other people that you're in relationship with. Again, whether they be intimate, your family, your friends, your business. We all experience ourselves or other people jealous at one time or another. And if you experience someone jealous who's a friend of yours, who's jealous of someone else, you can then coach them through these steps, or just send them to listen to this episode. Again, lewishouse.com/225. Share it with your friends on social media, tag me @lewishouse and @chrismotivador. Also,
52:37 Lewis Howes? go back to the show notes, lewishouse.com/225, to learn how you can connect with Chris and more information about this podcast in this specific episode. And I've got some incredible guests coming up soon. So subscribe to the School of Greatness podcast if this is your first time here. Get the updates. We come out with shows every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. And I'd love for you to join the party and the community, because it's all about greatness. You guys know what time it is. It's time to go out there and do something great.
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