144 The Truth About Successful Relationships

"Fear is what's stopping most people from living the lives that they could." - Jack Canfield If you enjoyed this episode, check out the video of us playing pool at www.lewishowes.com/144. Get more from Lewis! Get my New York Times Bestselling book, Make Money Easy! Get The Greatness Mindset audiobook on SpotifyText Lewis AIYouTubeInstagramWebsiteTiktokFacebookX

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Lewis Howes?

  This is Five Minute Friday.

• 0:11Lewis Howes?

  Hey, hey, what's up everyone? Thank you guys so much for joining me on Five Minute Friday. We're doing a special one today. I just had Jack Canfield on the last episode and I'm getting a lot of messages from people who said they loved it. This is one of their favorite episodes of all time. They're listening to it two and three times and we actually played a game of pool afterwards. There's a video back on the site at lewishouse.com/143 and there's a video of the full episode, but then also another video of us playing pool. And during this section where we were playing pool, Jack and I had a lot of fun, a lot of banter back and forth, but he actually drops a lot of knowledge on more success principles that he didn't share during the original interview.

• 0:55Lewis Howes?

  And a lot, we talked a lot about relationships, building a legacy, vision, things like that. So I wanted to give you guys that. It's a short clip as well, as opposed to me talking this, this Five Minute Friday, you're going to hear more from me and Jack combined and hear more about his success principles. Before we dive in, want to give a quick announcement that we hit 5 million downloads on the School of Greatness podcast. Again, we've been around for just over two years now. 5 million fricking downloads. That's so awesome and it's all because of you guys. So thank you so much for sharing and for promoting it and listening to three times an episode. Keep doing the good work. If you keep it up, I'll be able to keep bringing on powerful, inspiring guests like Jack Canfield.

• 1:39Lewis Howes?

  We've got a big guest coming up next week, Julianne Hough, winner of Dancing with the Stars. But without further ado, let's go ahead and dive into this Five Minute Friday with Jack Canfield.

• 1:56Jack Canfield?

  Good break.

• 1:56Lewis Howes?

  Get in somewhere.

• 1:57Jack Canfield?

  Oh, that three almost went in.

• 1:58Lewis Howes?

  Okay, it's all you. We'll let him set me up for the eight ball.

• 2:02Jack Canfield?

  Oh. In my book, I teach something called free focus and buffer days, where a free day is midnight to midnight with no work. So my wife and I, we sit down in, you know, late December, early January, we plan out all our vacations. And that becomes inviolate, just like, you know, like your sister's wedding, you're not gonna miss it.

• 2:20Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:21Jack Canfield?

  So I can't schedule those days, even, I've had, you know, I've turned away a hundred thousand dollars for a little trip to Asia to speak for three days. But if I don't, you know, I'd rather still have a wife.

• 2:32Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:33Jack Canfield?

  And my kids have a dad and all that kind of stuff, so.

• 2:36Speaker 02

  A lot of entrepreneurs have that challenge.

• 2:38Jack Canfield?

  Yeah, it is. I mean, the problem is, if you're really a great entrepreneur, you love what you do.

• 2:43Lewis Howes?

  It's tough to stop.

• 2:45Jack Canfield?

  So, the, um, it's just a matter of planning it and then keeping it, but like we, during the week, we would have like Thursday night would be family night, Friday night would be date night if I'm home. And Monday night was my night. I could watch Monday night football, I could work in my office till midnight. My wife wouldn't say, "Come to bed," you know? So I think if you, you have to ask the other person, what is your minimum requirements to feel like we're in a good relationship? And then when you find that out, if that's something you can agree to, then you, you commit to it, then you follow through. And if you keep the commitment, then trust develops and, you know, it all turns out really good.

• 3:23Lewis Howes?

  Do you think it's possible, well, obviously, you're making it happen, but do you think it's, um, the really, really big leaders in the world, the ones that have a huge vision that's like so big and so out there to save the world, you think it's possible to be married and have a successful relationship and be so on that vision? Or do you have to give up a little bit of your energy for the relationship and not be focused only on the vision?

• 3:49Jack Canfield?

  Well, I don't think you can maintain a relationship if you're only focused on a vision. Women are programmed to keep you around to make sure that the offspring that you produce with them gets raised.

• 3:57Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 3:58Jack Canfield?

  Men are programmed to spread their seed as much as possible to make sure the genealogy continues. So it's too kind of combative, too competing. Realities. Sure. And so it's challenging. I have been what I call a serial monogamist. You know, I've been married three times. And first time, I never should have got married. Five years, then 20 years, and now 15 years. So, but I've been in love with other women, you know, that just they attract me. They've been my friends. They've been people I've worked with. And I absolutely could have been just as happy married to them. And, but the reality of splitting up your fortune every time you get divorced is a bad strategy for building a life. You know, right? I've been through that a couple of times.

• 4:41Jack Canfield?

  I think that, you know, there are people who believe in polyamorism, which is the idea of having many lovers. I know some people that have pulled that off pretty well. Tough to work, make it work, though. It's very hard, you know. I think it's very hard because women get jealous and insecure. And I'm not sure some men wouldn't get jealous and insecure as well. Sure. But I mean, I would say this, if I had any advice to give to a younger person, would be really conscious about who you marry. Yeah. You know, I would definitely live with them for a while, definitely travel with them, because when people travel together, the worst parts come up. And, you know, but here's the other thing. When you, when humanity was first created, the average age back in Rome was 35 to 40 years.

• 5:26Jack Canfield?

  You know, people died at 40 years old of old age. Yeah. And so you could have one career and one wife, and you were happy. You know, what I find is that over time, you know, you do tend to grow a little bored. We like novelty, you know, bring novelty, new. They call it strange. Yeah, if your wife says, "I love you," it's not nearly as cool as if Cindy Crawford said it. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some new person. Yeah. And so you have to really work intentionally on a relationship. The other thing I've found is that as you're in a relationship, little tiny Upsets begin to occur.

• 6:01Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 6:02Jack Canfield?

  And if you don't process that and work through that, um, they build. And then you start to shut down to each other. Um, John Gray's taught me a lot about that. But I think what Byron Katie has taught me is that when you are upset with the other person, it's really some part of you you need to look at.

• 6:19Lewis Howes?

  Hmm.

• 6:20Jack Canfield?

  You know, because I have this belief that you shouldn't be attracted to other people. Well, that's a ridiculous belief. Everyone's gonna be attracted, you know? Um, and even if you act that out on that, my belief that you shouldn't do it is what's made me uncomfortable. My fear of being abandoned is what's made me uncomfortable. My fear that I'm not enough is what made me uncomfortable. It's not your behavior.

• 6:39Lewis Howes?

  Right.

• 6:39Jack Canfield?

  You know, I mean, you were in Singapore and I wasn't there. I couldn't do anything about it and you, you slept with someone, so what? So it's, it's really our inner fears, our inner inadequacies, our inner self doubts that are creating the problem.

• 6:51Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 6:52Jack Canfield?

  So if you're a conscious person, I always teach people is if you wanna grow as fast as you can in terms of spiritual development, get married, have children, start a business.

• 7:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 7:02Jack Canfield?

  Because anything that's not clear is gonna come up in terms of yourself and your relationships and your doubts and your fears and all that. So the, the trick is when you're in that relationship and you're starting to fractionate a little bit, is to say, okay, let's work on ourselves.

• 7:17Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 7:17Jack Canfield?

  Can we work through this and get that excitement back again?

• 7:20Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 7:21Jack Canfield?

  Um, I don't have any judgment about how anyone relates to anybody in terms of if they wanna be, you know, in a menage a trois, they wanna be swingers, whatever. Fine. I just think a lot of times what happens is they're avoiding dealing with their own issues.

• 7:33Lewis Howes?

  Hmm, interesting.

• 7:35Jack Canfield?

  But not always. Some people are just, they're wired up differently and they're happy and nobody's threatened and why not?

• 7:40Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 7:40Jack Canfield?

  You're enjoying yourself. Um, but generally it's people avoiding the difficult issues. I'll go with someone who likes, likes me instead of deal with the uncomfortable stuff that we have to deal with.

• 7:52Lewis Howes?

  Yeah, right.

• 7:53Jack Canfield?

  And that's why guys often will, entrepreneurs, they're much more comfortable in their business than they are with their teenage daughter who's giving them a hard time.

• 7:59Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 8:00Jack Canfield?

  Or their kid who needs his diaper changed in the middle of the night. You know, it's much easier to be just out there selling and

• 8:05Lewis Howes?

  Sure.

• 8:06Jack Canfield?

  looking at your spreadsheets.

• 8:06Lewis Howes?

  Sure, sure, sure.

• 8:07Jack Canfield?

  And doing all that.

• 8:08Lewis Howes?

  What would you do if you were, you know, I'm 31 right now. What would you do with, if you could go back and, uh, manage your money then, what would you be doing differently? Would you be saving more? Would you be investing more in your own brand? Would you be? Hiring people, what would you do if you had?

• 8:23Jack Canfield?

  I think it, I don't think there's a one answer for that. It depends on where you are, what you're trying to do, what your goals are.

• 8:31Jack Canfield?

  There's a time when you should be investing. And, but I, I'm a big believer in having, building up some capital.

• 8:39Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 8:41Jack Canfield?

  But for years, all my investments went into my own company. I mean, I just kept building this.

• 8:46Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 8:46Jack Canfield?

  And then when Chicken Soup took off, finally there was enough excess that I could say, "Okay, now we can start really salting away some money." And that's what I did. And now, I mean, I could retire and live off my money if I wanted to.

• 8:57Lewis Howes?

  Sure, sure.

• 8:58Jack Canfield?

  But I don't want to. I enjoy, I enjoy what I do too much. It's too much fun.

• 9:01Lewis Howes?

  What was the biggest win from an investment you made? What brought the most return?

• 9:07Jack Canfield?

  I would say it's still my Apple stock has been the best.

• 9:10Lewis Howes?

  Really?

• 9:10Jack Canfield?

  Wow. Thing I ever invested in. Yeah.

• 9:13Lewis Howes?

  Wow, cool.

• 9:16Jack Canfield?

  I don't know what to do here. I just didn't hear. No, that's a tough one.

• 9:18Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 9:19Jack Canfield?

  But just get away from it.

• 9:20Lewis Howes?

  Oh, it could have been in there. Oh, get in.

• 9:22Jack Canfield?

  Look at that.

• 9:23Lewis Howes?

  Get in the corner.

• 9:23Jack Canfield?

  Look at that.

• 9:24Lewis Howes?

  Yes!

• 9:24Jack Canfield?

  All right. All right.

• 9:26Lewis Howes?

  Making some magic, Jack.

• 9:28Jack Canfield?

  You can do this.

• 9:29Lewis Howes?

  Okay.

• 9:30Jack Canfield?

  What do I know for sure about life?

• 9:34Jack Canfield?

  Should never play eight ball with this guy.

• 9:39Jack Canfield?

  God, what do I know for sure? I think that love's the most important thing. That fear is what's stopping most people from living the lives that they could. I think I know for sure that we need to listen more than we talk. If you want a relationship to work.

• 9:55Jack Canfield?

  I think we need to learn that no is not the end of the world. Be willing to ask for what you want, not be afraid of rejection.

• 10:05Jack Canfield?

  I think that our level of consciousness is the main thing you need to work on. That everything else flows from that. That's why I meditate and work on myself a lot. You know what I should have done was just play safe and keep you from...

• 10:17Lewis Howes?

  You should have.

• 10:18Jack Canfield?

  Yeah.

• 10:19Lewis Howes?

  Set me up to win.

• 10:20Jack Canfield?

  I know, I know. That's what I do. I help people win in life.

• 10:24Lewis Howes?

  And when you help people become successful, you become successful.

• 10:27Jack Canfield?

  There you go.

• 10:28Lewis Howes?

  Right?

• 10:28Jack Canfield?

  There you go.

• 10:28Lewis Howes?

  Isn't that the key to success?

• 10:29Jack Canfield?

  It is. The more people you help become successful, the more people will help you back, is right.

• 10:36Lewis Howes?

  Oh, spun it off. I'm an idiot. I shouldn't have said that. I should have said, "That was great."

• 10:44Jack Canfield?

  Oh, this is fun.

• 10:48Jack Canfield?

  Okidok.

• 10:48Lewis Howes?

  Should we put a friendly wager on this?

• 10:50Jack Canfield?

  No.

• 10:51Lewis Howes?

  No?

• 10:51Jack Canfield?

  Not at this point.

• 10:52Lewis Howes?

  Okay. Well, what if you score this one?

• 10:54Jack Canfield?

  And a bad investment.

• 10:57Lewis Howes?

  Oh, nice. What's your favorite form of meditation? Is it tapping or is it's?

• 11:02Jack Canfield?

  Form of meditation?

• 11:02Lewis Howes?

  Yeah.

• 11:03Jack Canfield?

  Uh, two forms. There's one called Vipassana. It's a Buddhist meditation technique.

• 11:07Lewis Howes?

  Uh huh.

• 11:08Jack Canfield?

  And it's just basically watching your breath. And then there's one called Tree of Life Meditation, which is a, um, comes out of Kabbalah. I think you can do it.

• 11:18Lewis Howes?

  Oh!

• 11:19Jack Canfield?

  Oh, I was so ready to have you do that.

• 11:23Lewis Howes?

  You're like, get on with the game.

• 11:25Jack Canfield?

  No, that would have been impressive.

• 11:26Lewis Howes?

  That would have been fun, right?

• 11:27Jack Canfield?

  It would have been good video.

• 11:28Lewis Howes?

  Yeah. Now, if you do miss this, that'll be the biggest choke.

• 11:34Jack Canfield?

  Won't happen.

• 11:34Lewis Howes?

  Of the month. That'll be the biggest choke.

• 11:36Jack Canfield?

  I understand that.

• 11:37Lewis Howes?

  Just make sure you hold the stick firmly. Watch out for that. Watch out.

• 11:43Lewis Howes?

  No distractions, Jack. Don't worry. It's just your reputation on the line. Oh, snap!

• 11:54Lewis Howes?

  Okay, now, that's a still hard shot.

• 11:55Jack Canfield?

  No, it's not. That's easy.

• 11:57Lewis Howes?

  Okay, let's see if I can get this in. I don't know, I could, could.

• 12:00Jack Canfield?

  Nah, you're gonna get that.

• 12:02Lewis Howes?

  I don't know, it's tricky. Oh.

• 12:05Jack Canfield?

  Good job.

• 12:06Lewis Howes?

  Good game. I appreciate it.

• 12:11Jack Canfield?

  All right, good job, man.