14259 Steve Harper Interviews Sherri Ann Alexandrovich Owner of New Beginnings Wellness Center

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• 0:06Speaker 00

  Broadcasting from the business capital of the world, this is the Podcast Business News Network. And welcome back everyone, I'm going to get this out of the way, I'm going to say it right now, be advised, I'm going to say the F-word, I'm going to say it right now. Some of us embrace this, some of us loathe this word, it is fear, fear, and it's something that can protect us, but at the same time, holds us back from moving our lives forward. What is it, how can we get a better handle on it? We're going to dig into that today. I'm imagining, we could probably fill five podcasts about fear, because it's, it's huge, it really is, whether you realize it or not.

• 0:49Speaker 00

  She's got the insight on that, she and her team have a wonderful mental health facility in Massachusetts, where they, they help move lives forward, and also deal with fear with their clients. It is the New Beginning Center, and she's our professional, actually our Diamond of the Decade, Sherry Ann Alexandrovich is back with us. All this time, I have not messed up your last name, and had it happen at one point, and it was probably because of fear, because I was fearing that I was going to mess it up, and guess what I did? I messed it up, how are you?

• 1:20Speaker 01

  Doing fabulous, how about yourself?

• 1:23Speaker 00

  Really good, really good, this, this whole fear thing, and there's so many acronyms, I'm sure you've heard, false, evidence appearing, real, which I'm on board with, I really think that that is a, yes, it's, it's used a lot, but I think there's some, some truth to it. What can you tell us about fear?

• 1:40Speaker 01

  So, one of the things about fear is it shapes our, every decision, it shapes every choice that we make, because it's data that our, our bodies have, our brains have, that help us to move forward in decision-making and in choices, it helps to protect us, it helps to give us a sense of safety, I think is what its intention is, however, the safety in which it represents is more of a mirage. It's not real, because we're not making decisions based on actual thoughts. We're making decisions based on experiences, based on whether those are good or bad experiences.

• 2:23Speaker 01

  But they're, the, the data in which we're drawing from is limited, it's isolated. It's specific to us, or something that we have personally either seen or witnessed. Now, that data sample is really small compared to the universe, with the millions of people that are out there, the millions of experiences are out there. So, we, I think one of the important things to keep in mind is that the things that we're fearful of, for happening for ourselves, they can cripple us, they can keep us from making really good decisions moving forward, because we just don't know what the unknown is. And sometimes, we think that the devil we know is better than the devil we don't, but that's not necessarily true.

• 3:07Speaker 00

  So, you said something that I've never, never considered, that, and I want to make sure I heard it right, that every decision, every decision is based on fear, or connected to fear. Is that true?

• 3:25Speaker 01

  So, every decision is based on data, right? So, it's based on an experience, and the fear is what drives. So, I wouldn't say every decision is based on fear, but our, every fear-based decision is, is, it comes from some experience, or it comes from something that has happened to us in the past. Because we don't, I mean, we don't not make decisions because of fear in every situation, but the big ones, the ones that are important, the ones that stop us from moving forward, those are the fear-based decisions, the ones that cripple us, the ones that stop us from moving forward.

• 4:02Speaker 00

  I want to look at this a little deeper. So you have a decision to make and it's a happy decision. Let's say, you know, something positive, but it's still, it's a decision for a reason. Do you feel that there is some element of fear in it? Otherwise, we would just say, yes, right away. Yes, right away. Yes, to everything. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. There's a little, even though it may be a little tiny bit for a split second, even though it's an obviously, dare I say, easy decision or a positive decision. There's a split second of hmm, should I? Yeah, of course I should. But there's always a little piece of hmm.

• 4:42Speaker 00

  Do you feel that, you know, it's there, but, but I don't mean this at all negative, but that little hmm is there to protect us.

• 4:49Speaker 01

  So I would say, I would label that caution.

• 4:52Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 4:52Speaker 01

  More caution than fear because.

• 4:54Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 4:55Speaker 01

  Right? I, I, so it really would depend. Everything is so situational and it really just kind of depends on the enormity of what it is that we're exploring. If that makes sense, but caution plays a large part in that and, and sometimes caution is rooted from fear. So not everything is rooted from fear. I mean, if we've had a positive experience with something and we are asked to redo that same experience or redo that same event. We don't have anything that's negative that's going to tie us to it. We're going to say yes to it. So there isn't a fear that's going to stop us unless there's some component within that decision. So, you know, if we did a public speaking engagement and went really, really well and we're asked to redo it again, but we really don't like public speaking and have a fear of,

• 5:38Speaker 01

  of losing our lines or fear of screwing up or a fear of being laughed at or ridiculed. Well, then that would play a part, even though the previous speaking engagement was positive. That internal fear will play a part in, in how we respond to making, moving forward.

• 5:55Speaker 00

  Hmm, like I, I'm personally thinking about buying another vehicle. And I have an older one. It's my fun. It's the second fun SUV. You know, it's old, it's rusting, it's like no value, but I just like it and I go kayaking. I don't have to worry about it. So I know somebody selling another vehicle and it's in great condition. It's at the high end of, you know, the price spectrum, but I trust them. So I don't have to worry. I don't, I wouldn't even have a mechanic look at it. I trust them. They redid, you know, a lot of stuff in it. All good, all good. But there's a piece of me that hasn't said, let's go. I'm taking, I'm just processing it. I'm not in a rush. They're not in a rush. I said, if somebody's interested, let me know.

• 6:36Speaker 00

  Um, but I guess there's an element of caution. I wonder if it's the right decision. Let me think about this. Do you really want to get that one? Like, I, I, so I guess it's, but what is that based on? Maybe running into issues before with buying vehicles over, over, you know, a lifetime? I wonder.

• 6:55Speaker 01

  Yeah. So it's past experiences because there, there had to have been something that elicited this caution within you. You know, where you've known someone that has bought a used vehicle and it's not worked out well, or you've had that experience in the past, or it's a financial caution, but, but there's something internal that's causing you to, to kind of hesitate with that. Sometimes anxiety can play a really major role in, um, you know, giving us some, some, some difficulty in making a decision. If we've got just a lot of things that are going on inside of our head. So anxiety can also play a role in that as well as caution and as well as fear.

• 7:35Speaker 01

  You know, there, there are so many things that make up our decision-making protocol and how we do move forward. But, you know, I wanted to kind of dedicate today, just really kind of on the fear-based decisions. And, and those are kind of the really big ones that, that we've had such a really negative or painful experiences from, that it stops us from, from moving forward.

• 7:57Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 7:58Speaker 01

  Kind of reshapes decisions that we make. So I'm really kind of referring to kind of the, really the bigger items.

• 8:04Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 8:05Speaker 01

  And I wrote something that, that I, I thought might be helpful. Maybe I could read it and, and that might kind of spur some conversation.

• 8:11Speaker 00

  Please. You, and by the way, for anybody that doesn't know, you write these things. I'm assuming this is one that, that you write. You write poems. I don't know. You wake up at four o'clock in the morning and, and put them together. You get inspiration in the, in the heart of the night. Um, but they're so insightful and so visual that we, you know, we see it, we get it. So yes, please.

• 8:34Speaker 01

  Okay. So this one's called The Shape of Fear and, uh, Friday, 2:30 a.m., another one of my, my middle of the morning writings. Um, okay. Fear can cripple you, make you doubt your strength, your purpose, your very self. It lurks in the corners of your mind, waiting patiently for its moment. Born from protection, it became the gatekeeper. A hand that once guided with care, now gripping too tightly, afraid to let go. Unknowing, unintentional, for it too is consumed by fear. Fear of you getting hurt, fear of not being enough to save you. The need to protect grows so loud, so overwhelming, it shields you from life itself.

• 9:19Speaker 01

  The love runs deep, the memories cut sharper still. So vivid, so clear, they refuse to fade. Their impact stretches across years, decades even, remaining law as if it all just happened. But it didn't. You survived, you healed, you grew, wiser, stronger, more resilient. So hold your head high, walk with grace, dress your scars in color, turn them into something beautiful. Change tomorrow, let fear rest, it cannot hurt you now. They are only memories woven into fibers, rooted deep within the quiet places of earth. But even the deepest roots can be reshaped.

• 10:02Speaker 01

  Those that have burrowed through years of hardened ground, those wrapped around stones of memory, anchored tightly in places once called home, do not have to remain unchanged. Time, pressure, and gentle persistence can loosen what once felt unmovable and guide the roots to stretch in unfamiliar directions, finding their way through cracks toward light you thought was lost. Storms may shake them, seasons may strip them bare, but in that shifting, something quietly, beautifully happens. They learn to release what once held them in place, to reach for new nourishment and light and to rebuild,

• 10:45Speaker 01

  stronger, softer, and more resilient than before. You deserve to grow into a life that finally feels like your own.

• 10:54Speaker 00

  Love it. Like every word of that is true.

• 10:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, when you think about, especially the part that the fear oftentimes comes from things way in your past.

• 11:06Speaker 01

  Right, and it, and it holds you, it, it holds this grip on you that you don't even realize is comforting. Until you really kind of take a moment to pause and reflect upon where are your decisions coming from? And really take the time to think about like, where are you now? Where do you want to be? Where do you wish that you had been? And why are you not there anymore? And sometimes when we do that really insightful reflection, we can always find a reason that there's something that's glaring at us, that's something that's kind of like holding us. And I almost envision a quicksand and you're walking through the forest and you just kind of happen upon this quicksand

• 11:46Speaker 01

  and it just grabs a hold of your feet and kind of slowly just pulls you down into it while you're trying to grasp to get back out of it. And, and so that's kind of what I think about when I'm being riddled by fear or when I'm trying to make a decision or some forward movement with something. And all of a sudden I just get this internal freeze, this internal sense of, of, of just what if? You know, what if that happens or always wondering the whys? And, and those are such detrimental things to perseverate on because we can't live our lives in the what ifs, the could haves, the should haves, the why nots, because those aren't futuristic.

• 12:28Speaker 00

  Have you ever heard this stat? And I see this come up time and time again over years, that about 90%, 91% of the things that we fear, we worry about, never happen. We're just wasting our time, we're wasting our energy. It just doesn't happen. Think about all the things that you, and I'm talking about the big decisions, you know, the things that you worried about. You know, I'm going to lose my job. I mean, the boss is just he's in a bad mood. You know, numbers are down, I'm worry, worry, worry. Nothing happened, things like that. Do you think that, you know, that number 90% is accurate?

• 13:04Speaker 01

  You know what? I haven't read that particular statistic before, but you know what? It sounds accurate because I'm here in, in the therapeutic world, we call that catastrophic thinking.

• 13:15Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 13:16Speaker 01

  And when we're always borrowing trouble.

• 13:20Speaker 01

  We're so busy planning for something that's never going to happen that we don't take the time to stop and kind of live in that moment. And I use that analogy a lot with my clients. They'll always say, don't borrow trouble. Are we borrowing trouble right now? Is this something that's a real thing that we wanted to, to, to talk about in process? Or is this something that we're thinking may happen? Because the best laid plans don't ever unfold the way that we anticipate them to be. And one of the biggest things that I, you know, when I'm teaching interns that are coming on is, you know, that level of flexibility. Because when we borrow trouble and we try to overplan for everything, and then it doesn't unfold the way in which we thought it would or wanted it to, we need to be able to have that adaptability,

• 14:03Speaker 01

  that flexibility to be able to, to kind of take all of these different turns and be able to go with whatever life is going to throw at us in that moment. And if we're so busy preparing for one situation or one scenario, and then life throws a curveball at us, we're not really sure what to do with that because we, we haven't really adopted that flexibility.

• 14:24Speaker 00

  I've never heard borrow trouble. I am, I'm gonna write that down. I have a notebook. I always keep handy with a pen on top of it, old school. I'm gonna write them because it's actually, it's, it's accurate, but it's funny at the same time. Ah, there you go.

• 14:39Speaker 01

  I write everything down.

• 14:41Speaker 00

  I, I started using, I mean, I journal in a journal, but I started when it comes to this stuff, Spiral Notebook, it's right there, it's in front of you, you can't miss it. Borrow trouble, I remember that. This one is often said, and it's, it's so negative. Well, worst case scenario, worst case scenario, you're negative, you're already starting off on a negative foot. You know, what's, what's the worst that could happen? Why say that? It's just asking, you're asking for trouble, actually, tomorrow, borrow trouble.

• 15:14Speaker 01

  Right, and that can be a helpful therapeutic tool when you're helping somebody to walk through where their anxiety or, you know, where their hesitation is coming from. And sometimes it's helpful to see what is the worst thing that's going to happen. And then to kind of guide them through that you've already survived something far worse than that. So that's really just kind of a, a small rock in a big pond. But in everyday life, yes, I would agree with you that looking at things from that negative perspective is really just going to prevent us from moving forward or making decisions that are more positive based. Because we're so worried about looking at things from that negative lens, that sometimes it's really hard to see that the outcome isn't necessarily going to be that well.

• 15:57Speaker 00

  Okay, so deep question alert. Here it is. Deep question alert coming. How do you know the difference between fear and your intuition, the gut feeling? How do you disseminate between the two? And I'm a believer in intuition, you know, it's because I reversed engineered it, all those things that I, you know, thought and I didn't act on it. I was wrong. Over thirty years even. I remember them all. How do you know the difference that I'm crippled with fear or my intuition is telling me, not a great idea?

• 16:32Speaker 01

  So my, my question back to you, I'm going to answer your question with a question. It's where does your intuition come from?

• 16:39Speaker 00

  Give me a moment on that one because I'm, I think I have an answer. I don't want to give this answer, but maybe it's past experience that might get you there.

• 16:48Speaker 01

  Part of it?

• 16:49Speaker 00

  Part of it, part of it. Um, I want to answer, but I'm not really sure how to answer that.

• 16:54Speaker 01

  Yeah. So is it so separate from fear?

• 16:57Speaker 00

  Give me a minute on that one too.

• 17:00Speaker 00

  Um, I can't ignore that they're similar. Very.

• 17:04Speaker 01

  And so, so I guess how I could answer that question is, I don't know that they're as individualized as that. I think that everything that we experience within ourselves, our individual, our individuality, is so multifaceted because our instincts come from our gut. Where did our gut come from? I mean, sometimes we just have that immediate reaction that, that doesn't feel okay for me. Well, why does it not feel okay for you? Was there experience that you had in the past that was similar? That made you not feel okay? Or did you read about something? Or did you know of something? Where did that information come from? So I do believe that part of who we are comprised of, there's some instinctual stuff.

• 17:47Speaker 01

  Right? Because if you think about kids that grew up in a foster home or in an orphanage and have never experienced being held or rocked to sleep, or have had multiple parental influences in their life. How do they then grow up and have that instinctual, internal or maternal or paternal experience with their kiddo? So, so that piece of it is, it comes from within. That's innate. That's something that, that you can't, you don't necessarily have to have an experience on. But I don't think that that applies across the board for everything that we do, or everything that we say, or everything that we think.

• 18:28Speaker 01

  I think that life, experiences, good, bad, things that we've read, all of those play a factor in it. And I think fear is a large component.

• 18:40Speaker 00

  So let's say, let's go hypothetical here for a moment. Let's say you're thinking about buying a house.

• 18:47Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 18:48Speaker 00

  I saw your face like, where is this going, Steve? Let's say that, let's say you're in a relationship and, and you're thinking about buying a house.

• 18:59Speaker 00

  And, you know, may our relationship's okay, but maybe it's not a hundred percent. But you know what? You, you both decided we're gonna buy a house together. Your intuition is telling you, hmm, maybe not a good idea. This is your first house. Where are you collecting evidence from the past to give you that intuitive message? Mm, mm, mm, red light, red light, you know, call it a yellow light if you want, that it might not be a good idea. You've never bought a house before, you know, where are you collecting that data?

• 19:29Speaker 01

  So I would ask the question, is it a fear of buying a house? Or is it the fear of who you're buying the house with? Is it the relationship in itself that feels unstable? In what experience have you had within that relationship that makes you feel like? That might be, that's a little bit shaky. So, so much data in that one scenario because it might not just be about buying the first home. It could be about the future with the person that you're with, or the history with the person that you're with. Or you're questioning whether or not you're with this person. It could be a financial decision about, you know, what if I lose my job? What if my partner loses my job? What happens if the economy tanks? I mean, I think that it's so, it's such a diverse question.

• 20:13Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't think necessarily it's just about whether or not I should buy the phone.

• 20:20Speaker 00

  Well, let's, let's go to the relationship. You know, we'll, we'll take finances off the table. We'll take big purchase, even if you have, you know, adequate, fairly adequate, you know, finances, you know, you're okay with the down payment. It's just, it's more about the relationship. Where, and, and let's say, uh, it's your first marriage. Our first house, first marriage, let's go with that. Um, would you be collecting that data from past relationships? And I just, you know, something popped to my head. Maybe you grew up with your parents having been divorced. So now you're looking at that like, hmm, wait a minute. Uh, so it's all these data points maybe that are coming into play here?

• 21:04Speaker 01

  Absolutely. If you think about your brain almost as if it's a, um, a hard drive. And it has all these different folders in it that have all of these different data points. And we collect all of that. So it's like, almost like we're a mainframe. And every little component has a different memory, has a different experience. And that all plays a part in our decision making. And when we have a traumatic past or a lot of negative experiences, that heightens all of the really wonderful, happy compartments of our brain of within that mainframe. Because the fear kind of cripples over it. Almost like when I think about that, I get this visual of this mainframe with these black kind of roots coming up and just like.

• 21:49Speaker 01

  Just like consuming the mainframe itself and not allowing those positive lights to through. And so that's when you want to just kind of take a moment and just pause and look at and kind of sometimes just having that that conversation like you are you and I are having right now. What is it about that scenario that's making you feel so uncomfortable? Is it that you're uh unsure about the relationship? Is it? And and I would try to break down, where is that hesitation coming from? And typically you can identify what that is, you know, with enough station, enough prompts to be able to tie that out. And then you kind of go through the pro con list of of what is it about that that that's causing you? And and so, you know, maybe at the end of the conversation, you might want to put buying a house on hold,

• 22:34Speaker 01

  or maybe you want to think about why you're having so much hesitation in the relationship that you're about to buy the house with the person that you're buying the house with. So it's really just about taking that moment to pause, respect yourself and know that you've got this. Something inside of you is giving you this morning light, respect it, honor it.

• 22:55Speaker 00

  Mm hmm. You said something that ties into something I heard and wrote down a few hours ago, and you said, take time to reflect. And I'm gonna read it right off my notebook.

• 23:06Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 23:06Speaker 00

  And that is, quiet is the beginning of the cure.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  Hmm, I like that.

• 23:14Speaker 00

  Right?

• 23:15Speaker 01

  Yes. Isn't that true? When people are so busy all the time and every, you know, they don't really take the time to sit down at the end of the day and relax because they're always going, going, going. And they sit down for two minutes and they get up and they, I'll always say to my clients, let's just take ten fifteen minutes to sit with yourself. What is it about sitting with yourself that is so just regulating or so feels so icky inside that you have to be busy? Because we keep ourselves busy to avoid something, or we're keeping our house clean because we're anxious about something and not the level of control. All of our behaviors have a reason. And that's the wonderful, that's what I love so much about psychology is behind every

• 23:57Speaker 01

  behavior is a reason. And you know, at New Beginnings, we are a trauma-focused facility, and we really don't do the behavioral diagnoses anymore. We've moved so, we've just grown so much from that because behaviors have reasons. And if we don't go back and figure out what the reasons are and reshape them, or you know, evolve them into something different, then the patterns are going to continue to repeat themselves, even if they are coming out in different areas of your life. Change has to be from within.

• 24:28Speaker 00

  Well, thank you for today. This is like so important. This is, this is like pretty much everything in our lives. And what you said, what you're feeling, honor it. You're feeling it for a reason. Don't beat yourself up. Don't, you know, say, I'm paralyzed. There's a, you know, maybe you are a little bit more than you want to be, but it's coming up for a reason, whether it's your intuition, whether it's fear, founded fear. But to help dissect through all of this kind of stuff, this is what you do. This is what you and your team help people understand. And in such a beautiful way. New Beginnings, wc.com is where we find you.

• 25:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 25:11Speaker 00

  Yeah. Great stuff today. And as always, great poem.

• 25:17Speaker 01

  Thank you. God, this time went by so fast today.

• 25:19Speaker 00

  Oh, I could just close my eyes when you talk and read those and just like, see images and just, yeah, this is true, that's true. Yep, that's, that's what it does look like. Awesome. Thank you so much for being here today, Sheriann.

• 25:34Speaker 01

  Thank you very much. We'll see you next week.

• 25:35Speaker 00

  You got it. We'll be right back.

• 25:43Speaker 00

  Broadcasting from the business capital of the world, this is the Podcast Business News Network.

• 25:50Speaker 02

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