Pod Insights Personally Creation Myth, Episode 5: All of it About this episode Just like her grandmother, her great-grandmother, and her aunt, Helena gets depressed. She sits down with her mother Annika, to really talk about it. “It was as if your skin no longer fit,” her mother says. Together they unearth the painful moments that have shaped their relationship. After years of struggling with her mental health, Helena is left wondering what to do with the time she has left?
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Transcript 0:00 Speaker 00 The youth mental health crisis is growing, and social media is a major driver. Kids are spending up to nine hours a day on screens, often unsupervised, and studies show a direct link to anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. That's where Gab comes in. Gab offers safer phones and watches for kids with no social media, tailored to every age, offering the right tech at the right time, or Tech in Steps. From GPS-tracking-enabled watches for younger kids to phones with parent-enabled apps for teens, each device allows kids to more safely grow their independence. Visit gab.com/getgab and use code GETGAB for an exclusive offer.
0:41 Speaker 00 That's G A B B dot com forward slash get gab. Gab: Tech in Steps. Independence for them, peace of mind for parents.
0:52 Speaker 01 This is a CBC Podcast.
0:56 Speaker 02 Before we start, I just wanted to say that in this episode of Creation Myth, I talk about suicide and sexual assault. If that's not something you want to hear about right now, do what you need to do.
1:33 Speaker 02 During the last days of her pregnancy, Anika was huge. She wobbled instead of walked, and the walls and furniture in her tiny apartment kept bumping into her. But she embraced the slapstick. It was one way she dealt with her nerves. She was 23. None of her friends had kids yet, none of her siblings. She had no idea what she was doing or what to expect. All Anika knew was that she wanted to nest. She had tidied and cleaned everything, bought what the woman at the baby store had recommended, a few onesies and shirts in different sizes, as well as a little plastic bathtub, pampers, a teddy bear,
2:18 Speaker 02 three picture books, a pillow, and she'd sewn three small covers in fabrics she loved for the smallest duvet she'd ever seen. Everything was ready for her first.
2:42 Speaker 02 It was Monday when she got the call, around 5:00 or 6:00.
2:48 Speaker 02 Her father had just gotten back from work. He sounded distraught.
2:57 Speaker 02 He couldn't find her mother.
3:00 Speaker 02 They all knew what that meant.
3:04 Speaker 02 Her mother had been suicidal for a long time.
3:09 Speaker 02 She talked about it often and had made three previous attempts.
3:16 Speaker 02 So when she heard her mother was missing, Anika got in the car, together with her husband, Peter, and they drove from their apartment in the city to the surrounding countryside.
3:30 Speaker 02 When they arrived at the house, three police officers were already there to join in the search.
3:39 Speaker 02 For hours, they combed the woods and fields. Peter, Anika, her two siblings, her father, the three police officers and their dog, searching everywhere they could think of, between trees, underneath bushes, between rows of crops and ditches and creeks, while calling her name. Anika held her big belly while she walked.
4:06 Speaker 02 The search party continued until it was too dark to see, around nine. Then they went home. That night, Anika couldn't sleep. Was her mother lying dead somewhere in a barn? Or in a field, awake but too weak to move or call for help? Her mind kept serving up images of her mother in the stress, not of the child she was about to give birth to. That child was me.
4:45 Speaker 02 I'm Helena de Groot, and from CBC's Personally, this is Creation Myth. It wasn't until the next afternoon that they found her, in a place so obvious nobody had thought to check: the family caravan, parked right next to the house. Inside the caravan, my grandmother was lying on her back, alive but unconscious. Beside her was an empty pill bottle. The next day, my mother gave birth.
5:26 Speaker 02 When her father came to the maternity ward to see his first grandchild, me, instead of celebrating, he sat next to my mother's bedside and wept. My grandmother woke up from her coma two weeks later. But my mother didn't rush to the hospital. She wanted to pay attention to me. When I wasn't sleeping, she washed me, fed me, and when I cried, she held me to her chest and sang. My life would be happy.
6:08 Speaker 03 Right. What a stupid day I've been having. And it's entirely my fault. I've just been avoiding work, eating food, looking at TikTok.
6:25 Speaker 03 And all the while, I'm like thinking about this podcast, you know, thinking about, okay, the whole question that I want to answer with this podcast is, what is a meaningful life? How can I have a meaningful life if I don't have kids? Well, I don't know the answer, but I know what it isn't.
6:45 Speaker 03 And I feel like I'm, you know, at 40, I should have figured out how to self-regulate already, you know? I should have nailed it.
6:58 Speaker 03 It makes me feel like a fucking failure.
7:03 Speaker 03 And especially like, I don't get it. I love my job. You know what the work is that I've been avoiding? I have to prepare an interview with a guy who learned Sumerian. Oh, yeah. And he just spent like, I don't know how long, translating the completed poems of the first writer in the history of mankind, womankind, because it's a woman. I forgot her name, but she wrote in Sumerian and he translated that. So I get to talk to these really interesting people and, and all I have to do is read about it and get excited, you know? Like, that's my job.
7:44 Speaker 03 And yet I'm lying on the floor.
7:47 Speaker 03 It's like I want to be unhappy or something, you know?
7:51 Speaker 03 And I think if you have a kid, like, I don't know, maybe, maybe this is like putting too much weight on the little shoulders, but yeah, I would think you can't do that when you have a little one to take care of.
8:08 Speaker 03 I'm gonna just be with myself for the rest of my life.
8:15 Speaker 03 Today, I don't like me very much.
8:19 Speaker 03 Okay.
8:28 Speaker 02 The thought had occurred to me before, many times, in fact. If I had a child, maybe I would get off the floor, out of my head, into the world, become more optimistic, involved in the democratic process. Having a child could be good for me.
8:48 Speaker 02 But what if I wasn't good for the child?
8:52 Speaker 02 The proof wasn't hard to find. Here was one memory. I was 27.
8:59 Speaker 02 I couldn't remember who had found me, who had brought me to the hospital. I just remembered how loud the emergency room was. The overhead lights cut into my head. A blur of doctors was towering over me. Then I was home. I couldn't stop shaking. It was cold. Dark figures emerged from the fold in the curtains, then disappeared. I knew the figures weren't real. I knew what was: the door, the wallpaper, the shape of my hand. But I kept being pulled away, down into a swirl of slow-moving liquid.
9:37 Speaker 02 It was the pills. The doctors had gotten most of them out of my stomach, but not all.
9:48 Speaker 02 This was years ago. And now, I was on great medication. Things had changed.
9:55 Speaker 02 But what hadn't changed was my genetics. Many of the women on my mother's side had attempted suicide, some multiple times: my grandmother, my great-grandmother, my aunt. But the curse would end with me, because I would not have kids. Now I was no longer sure. Maybe I did want a kid. But what if they were like me?
10:25 Speaker 02 What would that be like? Not to be me, but to raise me.
10:32 Speaker 02 There was someone I could ask.
10:35 Speaker 04 Ja, is dat beter? Ik heb mijn lampje verlicht.
10:38 Speaker 02 Ah ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, nu is ik je beter, ja.
10:41 Speaker 04 Ja, dat is zo raar, alleen de bril praten.
10:44 Speaker 02 This is my mother, Annika. I wanted to know about the depression in our family. But she told me that when she grew up, people didn't use that word.
10:55 Speaker 02 Her great-grandmother, for instance...
10:57 Speaker 04 Er werd alleen gezegd dat die raar was.
10:59 Speaker 02 People just said she was strange. And my grandmother just needed to sleep a lot.
11:05 Speaker 04 Heel veel slapen.
11:07 Speaker 02 My grandmother used to say she was unhappy, and not for any particular reason.
11:12 Speaker 04 Mijn moeder was ongelukkig geboren.
11:14 Speaker 02 She was just born unhappy.
11:16 Speaker 04 Dat heeft die ooit eens verteld, dat die als klein kind zich herinnert dat ze eigenlijk alleen maar vauw huilen.
11:24 Speaker 02 Even when my grandmother was still a little kid, all she wanted to do was cry.
11:31 Speaker 02 Oh, Jesus. Then I was born, and my mother knew right away: I was nothing like that. And this I remember: As a child, I loved being me. Being me felt like having a big room inside with lots of pillows, soft light, and all day I could be there, read, listen to music, think my thoughts. Or you could use the word for that.
11:59 Speaker 04 Ik was een heel introvert kindje.
12:02 Speaker 02 I was an introvert. My mother said that I would cry, but there was always a reason. Usually, something had overwhelmed me.
12:10 Speaker 04 Sinterklaas op school.
12:11 Speaker 02 Santa coming to school.
12:12 Speaker 04 Ik had mijn val op school.
12:14 Speaker 02 Carnival.
12:15 Speaker 04 Te veel rommel.
12:16 Speaker 02 The house when it was a mess.
12:17 Speaker 04 Naar de stad gaan en het was druk.
12:19 Speaker 02 The city center on a busy day.
12:21 Speaker 04 Je was ook altijd blij als je...
12:23 Speaker 02 But mostly, my mother said, she could tell that I was happy.
12:27 Speaker 04 Kleuren en knutselen.
12:28 Speaker 02 I liked to draw.
12:29 Speaker 04 Prinses zijn en dat soort dingen.
12:31 Speaker 02 Playing princess.
12:34 Speaker 04 Je was een heel ernstig kind.
12:36 Speaker 02 "You were a serious child," my mother said. "But there were worse things than a child who liked nothing more than reading books and learning."
12:46 Speaker 04 "En dus heb ik daar ook niks gezien."
12:49 Speaker 02 So my mother was reassured. I was nothing like her mother.
12:54 Speaker 04 "En het is pas echt toen je tien was?"
12:57 Speaker 02 Then I turned ten.
12:59 Speaker 04 "En ineens kreeg jij het heel zwaar op de hand en niet moeilijk?"
13:03 Speaker 02 I became moody, difficult.
13:06 Speaker 04 "Alsof je wel niet meer pasten."
13:08 Speaker 02 "It was as if your skin no longer fit," my mother said.
13:12 Speaker 04 "En wat voor dingen deed ik dan?"
13:14 Speaker 02 "How so?" I asked her. "What did I do?"
13:19 Speaker 04 "Alles en iedereen rond je ging wel stom."
13:20 Speaker 02 "Everything and everyone was stupid," she said.
13:23 Speaker 04 "Kinderen in de klas waren stom."
13:24 Speaker 02 "The kids in class were stupid, the classes were stupid, the rules."
13:28 Speaker 04 "Wij waren vooral heel erg stom."
13:31 Speaker 02 "And we, my parents, were especially stupid."
13:34 Speaker 04 "De boeken die je..."
13:35 Speaker 02 "I still read, but only certain kinds of books about war..."
13:40 Speaker 04 "Oorlogssituaties."
13:41 Speaker 02 "Or hostage-taking."
13:42 Speaker 04 "Gijzelingen." "En vooral, je stelde alles in vraag."
13:47 Speaker 02 "And I questioned everything."
13:50 Speaker 04 "Zoals wat dan?"
13:51 Speaker 02 "Like what?" I asked my mom.
13:54 Speaker 04 "Zoals wat dan niet?"
13:55 Speaker 02 "Like what not?" she said.
13:57 Speaker 04 "Waarom leven wij zoals we leven?"
13:59 Speaker 02 "Why do we live the way we do?"
14:00 Speaker 04 "Helena, je moet doorgaan, want het is tijd voor school."
14:02 Speaker 02 "Helena, time for school, we have to go." "Why do I always have to go there? It's stupid, I learn nothing."
14:08 Speaker 04 "Je moet voorsturen, want we..."
14:10 Speaker 02 "You have to get ready, because your dad has to go to work and he's bringing you..."
14:13 Speaker 04 "Waarom moet hij altijd daar gaan werken? Kan je niks anders doen?"
14:16 Speaker 02 "Why does he always work? Why doesn't he do anything else?"
14:19 Speaker 04 "Waarom werk jij niet?"
14:20 Speaker 02 "Why don't you work?"
14:21 Speaker 04 "Wat doe je?"
14:23 Speaker 02 "What do you even do?"
14:30 Speaker 02 My parents did their best to answer my questions, but they soon realized that I wasn't really asking. So they told me to put on my coat and get in the car. My mom would try to give me a hug, and my dad would drive me to school. Once I was through the gate, I'd find a spot on the playground or, when it was cold, in the hallway where I could read. The other kids mostly left me alone, which was fine by me. I didn't know what to say, anyway, to these 4th graders who thought the most important thing that happened that day was that in gym class during rope climbing, a boy called Timothy had gotten all the way to the top and farted.
15:17 Speaker 02 I didn't feel like I could tell anyone how I felt, so I stuck with questions. Echt letterlijk, wat is het hing van mijn leven? What is the point of my life?
15:27 Speaker 05 Serieuus?
15:28 Speaker 02 Seriously? Ja.
15:31 Speaker 02 Ja.
15:33 Speaker 02 Je wou er niet zijn. You did not want to be here.
15:40 Speaker 05 En wat probeerden jullie om, of jij, om mij te helpen?
15:45 Speaker 02 I wanted to know how they tried to help me. Te vragen wat er was? We'd ask what was wrong, but I would just go... Niks. Nothing. En dan niet te vragen wat er was? They stopped asking, which, my mom said, you didn't like either. Je wou wel dat er gevraagd werd? You wanted us to ask.
16:07 Speaker 05 Ja, ja, ja.
16:11 Speaker 02 She didn't know what was wrong. Some days, she blamed my age. That's probably all it was, she thought, an extreme version of puberty. Other days, she blamed herself. Ik dacht, ik heb alles fout gedaan. My mother thought she had done everything wrong.
16:31 Speaker 02 It didn't cross her mind even then that it could be depression.
16:36 Speaker 04 Depressie?
16:37 Speaker 02 Because depression to her looked different. It looked like her mother, who'd go,
16:42 Speaker 04 Ik ben moe.
16:44 Speaker 02 I am so tired.
16:46 Speaker 04 Iedereen is vervelend tegen mij.
16:48 Speaker 02 Nobody is nice to me.
16:50 Speaker 04 Dat was er bij jou helemaal.
16:52 Speaker 02 That was not me.
16:53 Speaker 04 Ik zag dat niet als depressie.
16:55 Speaker 02 So my mother did not think I was depressed.
17:00 Speaker 00 The youth mental health crisis is growing and social media is a major driver. Kids are spending up to nine hours a day on screens, often unsupervised. And studies show a direct link to anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. That's where Gab comes in. Gab offers safer phones and watches for kids with no social media, tailored to every age, offering the right tech at the right time, or tech in steps. From GPS-tracking-enabled watches for younger kids to phones with parent-enabled apps for teens, each device allows kids to more safely grow their independence. Visit gab.com/getgab and use code GETGAB for an exclusive offer.
17:41 Speaker 00 That's G A B B dot com forward slash get gab. Gab: Tech in Steps. Independence for them, peace of mind for parents.
17:52 Speaker 06 In 2002, Ryan Wedding was an Olympic snowboarder at the top of his game.
17:57 Speaker 07 Ryan's style is really gunned and gold.
18:00 Speaker 06 And in less than a minute, it slipped away. But he continued to chase the high.
18:05 Speaker 08 Ryan James Wedding. He controls one of the most violent drug trafficking organizations in this world.
18:15 Speaker 06 I'm Michelle Shepherd and from CBC Podcasts and The Toronto Star, The Most Wanted Olympian. Available now.
18:29 Speaker 02 If you'd have asked me, the main problem was that my parents treated me like a child. I was not a child. I was 10. I wanted to take the triumph to the city by myself, go to the bookstore, get a coffee, walk along the water. My mother didn't think so.
18:51 Speaker 02 "No, that's too early," she'd say.
18:55 Speaker 02 And I'd keep pressing, but I'm ready. "Why don't you trust me?" My mother's reply had always infuriated me. "I trust you."
19:10 Speaker 02 "But not all other people."
19:22 Speaker 02 My mother learned early that other people could not be trusted. Her father could be charming and funny, but he was also a violent, unpredictable man who could fly into a rage over the way you held your fork.
19:39 Speaker 02 My grandmother fed his violence. In the evenings, when he came back from work, she would tell on the kids if they'd done something that was not allowed.
19:51 Speaker 02 He would make the child stand or kneel in front of him. Then he'd take his shoe or his belt and beat them until he was exhausted.
20:02 Speaker 02 And none of the adults in her life did anything about it, family members, teachers, even when they saw the bruises. So that's what my mother learned. Other people could not be trusted.
20:18 Speaker 02 Once my mother had us, she vowed to keep us safe, whatever it took.
20:32 Speaker 02 I kept pleading with her to let me do things by myself. I was 12 now. The other kids in my class could bike to school or take the tram by themselves. But she'd say no. I would yell at her, but she wouldn't budge. So I'd turn around and stomp out of the kitchen, up the stairs to my room, and then slam the door. Until one day, my mother was sick of the noise and took the door off its hinges. Now I couldn't even be by myself in my own room.
21:08 Speaker 02 When I was 14, I found the one thing I did control: what I ate.
21:16 Speaker 02 I would throw out my lunch at school. And at home, I'd lie to my parents, telling them I wasn't hungry. I'd already had dinner at a friend's.
21:26 Speaker 02 I was diagnosed with anorexia and committed to the Children's Hospital.
21:32 Speaker 02 But there weren't enough beds in psychiatry, so they found a place for me in pediatric oncology, the ward for children with cancer. The halls of this ward were lined with black and white pictures of little kids, bald from a chemo, bravely smiling. These were the children who had died. It made sense that the nurses who took care of these children had no patience for me and my made-up disease.
22:13 Speaker 02 The person who was kinddest to me was the psychiatrist, a studious, bearded, chain-smoking man in his 50s. He made me feel like an adult. And he would even humor my 14-year-old opinions about opera and books. Then he'd gently guide me back to the root cause of my illness, which I told him was my mother, her hovering, her paranoia, her insistence that I was too young.
22:41 Speaker 02 The psychiatrist never said I was right, but he never said I wasn't. I took that as a sign that he understood me.
22:55 Speaker 02 The only other person I could talk to was the only other person on the ward with an eating disorder: my roommate.
23:04 Speaker 02 I looked up to her. I had merely stopped menstruating, but she had grown hair all over her body, which is one of the ways your body tries to stay warm when you starve it.
23:15 Speaker 02 She taught me how to go even harder. My mother was beside herself. "I didn't take you here to get worse."
23:26 Speaker 02 Not long after, the psychiatrist summoned me to his office.
23:31 Speaker 02 "My roommate did not have a good effect on me," he said. "He'd be splitting us up. I'd be alone in a room."
23:41 Speaker 02 I started crying.
23:44 Speaker 02 To comfort me, he took my hand in his. Then he pulled me onto his lap, held my waist, kissed me. I froze.
23:56 Speaker 02 He ran his finger from my forehead over my nose and lips to my breasts, kissed me again. His breath smelled bad.
24:10 Speaker 02 It took me over a week to tell my mother. I was afraid she'd think I was just doing what all anorexics did: lie to get out of eating.
24:22 Speaker 02 But she believed me. Within minutes, we were in the car, my clothes and books in a garbage bag on the backseat.
24:31 Speaker 05 Ja, ik weet dat nog. Allee, laat doen dat jij mij uit het ziekenhuis weggehaalde.
24:35 Speaker 02 I remember that when you took me out of the hospital...
24:38 Speaker 05 Dat ik toen wel heel...
24:40 Speaker 02 I was grateful.
24:42 Speaker 05 dankbaar was en ja, en ook... Ik voelde toen wel heel veel liefde voor jou.
24:47 Speaker 02 I felt so much love for you.
24:50 Speaker 05 En ik heb ook gezegd, denk ik, van allee...
24:52 Speaker 02 And I told you, I think.
24:53 Speaker 05 Ik weet hoe moeilijk dat dit is.
24:54 Speaker 02 I know how hard this is.
24:57 Speaker 05 Hé, om nu voor mij te zorgen?
24:58 Speaker 02 Taking care of me now.
25:02 Speaker 05 En ik ben heel dankbaar dat je dat wilt doen, hé?
25:05 Speaker 02 And I'm so grateful that you want to.
25:15 Speaker 02 Something about that moment made me see.
25:20 Speaker 02 I saw how scared my mother was. She had no idea how to take care of her sick child, but she was trying anyway.
25:31 Speaker 05 Ik heb toen gedacht: wij gaan hier samen door.
25:35 Speaker 02 Because that's what she told herself. "We're going to make it through this together."
25:41 Speaker 05 Ja, ja, ja. Terwijl ik ook dat moment ook wel hoopig was.
25:45 Speaker 02 Even though she was desperate.
25:48 Speaker 05 Want er was stiekveel.
25:50 Speaker 02 My mom, who was only 38, younger than I was now, didn't know what to do.
25:57 Speaker 05 Maar je hebt dat ook gezegd. Ik denk, wat ik daar ook mooi aan vond, is dat je mij erbij betrok.
26:01 Speaker 02 Which she told me.
26:03 Speaker 05 De reden waarom ik weet niet hoe ik het moet doen.
26:05 Speaker 02 "I don't know how to do this," she had said.
26:08 Speaker 05 Ik wil wel jou geven wat jij zegt dat je nodig hebt, maar je weet dat je liegt.
26:13 Speaker 02 "I want to give you what you say you need, but you know you lie."
26:19 Speaker 02 I remembered being grateful that she said that.
26:22 Speaker 05 Ik was gewoon altijd oserieu genomen worden.
26:24 Speaker 02 All I ever wanted was to be taken seriously. And now she did.
26:30 Speaker 05 En op dat moment voelde ik mij oserieu genomen, want jij mij vertrouwde met jouw wanhoop.
26:35 Speaker 02 She trusted me with her despair.
26:42 Speaker 02 I wanted to show her that she'd done the right thing. I tried to start eating again. I was scared. I didn't want anything besides steamed vegetables with skimmed yogurt. And I policed her every move as she cooked. But I did eat. And I got better.
27:12 Speaker 02 Zéven jaar later kwam de depressie terug. Mijn gedachten hadden een enkel één. Ik moest mijn leven beënd.
27:22 Speaker 02 Ik was bang, dus ik vond mijn moeder. Het was de middelde van de nacht, maar ze stond nooit op haar telefoon om iets te gebeuren.
27:33 Speaker 05 En ik dacht ik ga jou bellen?
27:34 Speaker 02 Mijn denken was: ik ga je bellen.
27:37 Speaker 05 Want jij wilt dat ik leef.
27:39 Speaker 02 Want jij wilt dat ik leef.
27:41 Speaker 05 Ja. En ik wil dat jij dat mij uitlegt.
27:45 Speaker 02 En ik wil dat je uitlegt.
27:47 Speaker 05 Waarom moet ik leven?
27:48 Speaker 02 Waarom ik moet leven.
27:51 Speaker 02 Ik zei zelfs aan mijn moeder dat ik zelfs was. Ze wist de pijn die ik in had, had in voor jaren. Waarom moest ze me niet toestemming geven om te gaan?
28:03 Speaker 05 Als moeder is dat ook...
28:07 Speaker 02 Als moeder, zei ze...
28:10 Speaker 05 Ja. Zijn weel ik zit in het.
28:14 Speaker 02 Dat was een van de moeilijkste dingen.
28:20 Speaker 02 Het hoorde te zullen. Want toen ik depressief was, zag ik alleen mijn eigen pijn. De depressie was deze echt moeilijk, slecht, zwaar dingen die me gebeurden.
28:32 Speaker 02 Maar de waarheid was slechter.
28:35 Speaker 02 Mijn pijn hoorde niet alleen mij, maar de mensen die me het meest liefden. Mijn moeder, mijn vader, mijn zus.
28:44 Speaker 02 Toen ik in het ziekenhuis was met anorexia, mijn zus, die was 11 jaar oud, werd de doelstof voor bullies. Hun hoofd voor weinigheid is ongelooflijk. Ze stopte van slapen. Dus mijn moeder putte een extra matraat in hun kamer en elke nacht liep ze bij mijn zus en bleef omarmd tot mijn zus sliep.
29:06 Speaker 02 Ik wist niet dat.
29:17 Speaker 05 Mijn bedacht is echt vreselijk om te weten hoeveel schade mijn depressie heeft aangericht.
29:24 Speaker 02 Het is moeilijk te horen hoeveel schade mijn depressie heeft gebracht.
29:27 Speaker 05 Niet alleen maar mij, maar jullie allemaal.
29:30 Speaker 02 Niet alleen voor mij, maar voor onze hele familie.
29:35 Speaker 02 Maar mijn moeder zei:
29:37 Speaker 04 We hebben daar heel veel van geleerd en dat heeft ons sterker gemaakt in wie we zijn en wie we voor elkaar zijn.
29:43 Speaker 02 We hebben allemaal veel geleerd en het heeft ons sterker gemaakt in wie we zijn en in wie we zijn voor elkaar.
29:53 Speaker 05 Ja.
29:58 Speaker 02 Ik moest niet terugpikken. Het was kindig van haar te zeggen: "Misschien was ze juist het juiste moment. Misschien heeft mijn depressie onze familie sterker gemaakt.
30:09 Speaker 02 Maar wat zouden onze levens zijn geweest zonder haar?
30:13 Speaker 02 Als ze een ander kind had, had ze de ene ding die ze altijd wilden: een gelukkige familie.
30:22 Speaker 02 Maar ze had geen ander kind. Ze had me.
30:27 Speaker 04 Helena, maar ik...
30:28 Speaker 02 Maar Helena.
30:30 Speaker 04 Ik vind je graag met... jij.
30:35 Speaker 02 Ik vind je.
30:37 Speaker 04 In zin geheel, hè?
30:39 Speaker 02 De hele je.
30:41 Speaker 04 Met alles, hè?
30:43 Speaker 02 Alles.
30:50 Speaker 02 Voor één hele moment voelde ik het.
30:56 Speaker 02 Mijn moeders liefde, zoals het was.
31:10 Speaker 02 Then my thoughts came rushing back in. I knew she loved me and I knew I was lucky that my mother loved me, even though I had caused her so much pain.
31:21 Speaker 02 But my mother didn't say even though. She didn't say despite everything.
31:31 Speaker 02 She said there was no part of me she didn't love.
31:45 Speaker 02 I did not understand.
31:49 Speaker 02 But maybe that didn't matter.
31:53 Speaker 02 Maybe it was enough that it was true.
32:03 Speaker 02 I suddenly wished there was more time.
32:07 Speaker 05 Ik vind het zo erg dat mijn halve leven al weg is.
32:11 Speaker 02 Half my life was already over.
32:14 Speaker 05 En ik ben zo ongelukkig geweest.
32:17 Speaker 02 And I'd spent so much of that time being unhappy. But my mother stopped me.
32:24 Speaker 04 Ja, wees daar dan nu niet meer ongelukkig over, maar wees...
32:27 Speaker 02 No point being unhappy about that.
32:32 Speaker 04 Alhoorst verspel je de tweede helft.
32:34 Speaker 02 You don't want to waste that second half.
32:50 Speaker 02 I did not want to waste another minute. So in the days after our call, I decided to study myself with the detachment of an anthropologist.
33:02 Speaker 02 4pm. Subject sitting on toilet, reading reviews of kitchen appliances she has no intention of buying. 7pm. Subject at her desk, eating chips for dinner. 9pm. Subject still at desk.
33:18 Speaker 02 1am. Subject in bed, clicking through a slideshow with plastic surgery mishaps of celebrities she's never heard of.
33:29 Speaker 02 If I wanted to make up for the years I had wasted being depressed, or anxious that I might get depressed, this was not the way. So what was the way? How could I find meaning in the time I had left?
33:48 Speaker 02 Maybe my friends were right.
33:52 Speaker 02 Sigrid had been saying it since we were in our twenties. Having a child gives life meaning.
34:01 Speaker 02 Joshua had said something similar. Anything you did with your child, even sitting in front of a TV and watching a movie, was infused with meaning.
34:12 Speaker 02 And maybe I had changed enough, because I hadn't been seriously depressed in, what, over 15 years? Maybe I could handle the sleep deprivation, the lack of time alone, the chaos of dishes in the sink and toys on the floor, those moments when my kid had a cold and the school called and I had to get up from the meeting or be late on the deadline or cancel yoga or my plans with a friend.
34:37 Speaker 02 It felt dangerous to even contemplate.
34:41 Speaker 02 I needed to feel in control, to feel sane.
34:46 Speaker 02 But what if that was just a story?
34:51 Speaker 02 I felt my heart swell with possibility.
34:59 Speaker 02 Then I remembered.
35:03 Speaker 02 I was about to get sterilized.
35:07 Speaker 02 I had eight more days.
35:14 Speaker 02 Creation Myth is written, produced, hosted, and sound designed by me, Helena de Groot. My story editor and senior producer is Veronica Simmons. And in this episode, Veronica, you are also the light that kept me sane while I explored the dark recesses of my mind. Editorial sound design support by Brendan Baker, who also mixed and mastered the episode.
35:39 Speaker 02 Special thanks to my mother, Annika van de Veld, for talking to me about hard topics and for loving me every single part.
35:53 Speaker 02 The team behind Creation Myth further includes Anna Ashite, who is our coordinating producer. Executive producers are Cecil Fernandez and Chris Oak. Tanya Springer is the senior manager. Arif Nurani is the director and Lesley Merklinger is the executive director of CBC Podcasts. You also heard a clip from a newscast by the Belgian public broadcaster from 1983. This project was made possible with the support of VPM Media Corporation. I'll be back next week with a new episode, but while you're waiting, you can listen to another show on Personally: Run, Hide, Repeat.
36:33 Speaker 02 In that series, the journalist Pauline Dakin takes you on an immersive journey into her childhood, spent on the run, under a cloud of secrecy. And that's when she passed me the note that said, "Don't say anything. Just take off your jewellery and put it in the envelope." But when Pauline is finally told what her family was running from, she's left with more questions than answers. I'll see you next week. Thank you for listening. And if you want to binge the whole series ad-free, you can subscribe to our CBC Stories Premium channel on Apple Podcasts. Just click the link in the show description.
37:16 Speaker 01 For more CBC Podcasts, go to cbc.ca/podcasts.
Previous Creation Myth, Episode 4: Freedom Form Next Creation Myth, Episode 6: The Nuclear Option Page updated October 31, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated