Discount Dave (and the Fix), Episode 5: The Good Girl

Becca tries to find out more about Discount Dave. But the more she learns about him, the more she questions her own behaviour. She attends his trial, and as she listens to the testimonies, buried secrets are revealed. Hurled into her truth, and this time with nowhere to run, Becca is finally forced to reckon with herself. Her salvation. Her dog. Hear all episodes of Personally: Discount Dave (and the Fix) now, early and ad-free, on CBC Stories Premium on Apple Podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/channel/cbc-stories/id6443681642.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hi, I just had to tell you that I think your podcast has changed my life.

• 0:06Speaker 01

  Season one of Sold a Story hit a nerve. It was about teaching kids to read.

• 0:11Speaker 02

  We have gotten this wrong in New York and all across the nation.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  Now we're back with a new season. This time, we go beyond reading.

• 0:19Speaker 00

  I've literally been told by my district that I should not be teaching math. I should be facilitating math.

• 0:26Speaker 01

  I'm Emily Hanford. Go to your podcast app and follow Sold a Story.

• 0:31Speaker 03

  This is a CBC Podcast.

• 0:34Speaker 04

  What you are about to hear is inspired by a true story, so it's like 81.3% true. Certain characters and events have been created or fictionalized. This episode deals with the sexual assault of a minor. Please take care.

• 0:52Speaker 04

  Dear diary, I have two words for you. Handsome neighbor.

• 0:59Speaker 04

  He just turned 19. I love him, I love him, I love him so much. He has the body and the face of a man. I can't imagine that he can see me the way that I dreamed to be seen by him. With curvies and tatas and more hair down there. But ew, that's so gross. Those hairs down there, really starting to grow. And I know it means that I'm growing up, but I can't help it. I still think that it's gross. Wait, what was I saying? Oh, yeah. Now that I'm double digits, maybe I can, oh yeah, maybe I can cast a spell. Because I've got these new crystals from that amethyst shop on Fourth Avenue, next to the NOM restaurant, where they have that yummy miso gravy that I love, to just smother all over my fries.

• 1:44Speaker 04

  And I always ask for extra cheese on the fries, because, did I mention that I love cheese? More than anything. Not more than handsome neighbor, but like, when I get home from school, every day, I melt cheese and mayo on a slice of bread in the microwave. And it gets soft, soggy, floppy, and kinda ew, but I eat it anyway, because it's like the best food. And my mom says that's why I'm growing boobs, so fast. But the other day, playing hacky sack and smoking, he taught me smoking.

• 2:14Speaker 04

  So I'm smoking at the brass doors at school. And I was making fun of Mel's boobs and then everyone yelled, "You have them too." And like, I didn't even know they were growing so fast. Or like, duh, not fast enough. And handsome neighbor says, "My butt swings when I walk." And oh my god, I love him, I love him, and maybe he loves me back.

• 2:46Speaker 04

  From CBC's Personally, this is Discount Dave and the Fix. I'm Rebecca Auerbach.

• 2:57Speaker 04

  Episode 5, The Good Girl.

• 3:14Speaker 04

  Fuck, how do you get this thing to... Hello? Is it... You keep putting me on hold, I think. Hello? Hi, sorry, I'm just trying to figure out how to record with this thing. It's my phone, so... Oh, okay, yeah, take your time.

• 3:27Speaker 04

  Okay, so this guy, this guy right here? He's the guy I read about who was in the car with Discount Dave when they were pulled over by the cops. He's a real sweetheart, middle-aged rocker named Fritz. Yeah, well, you know, the papers, they, uh, they got it all wrong. They made it sound like I was this dumb Canadian or whatever, but I, you know, I never thought he was David Lee Roth. So that makes one of us. Yeah, my buddy had put us in touch, you know? Because I'm a musician too, and this guy Dave showed up with six guitars, so you know, I thought he was pretty well-to-do. And I jammed my songs out for him, and I guess he liked the tunes, because he says, "Let's go for dinner," or whatever, and he told me to put some frickin' pants on, because I was wearing shorts. I kind of always wear shorts, it's just how I feel most like myself.

• 4:12Speaker 04

  And that's important. It's important to feel like yourself.

• 4:17Speaker 04

  So they hop in the car.

• 4:18Speaker 05

  And it was a real fancy car, like an Alfa Romero or whatever they're called. But there was all this garbage everywhere in it and he starts sifting through it and...

• 4:27Speaker 04

  He finds a Tim Hortons bag, reaches in and pulls out a muffin.

• 4:30Speaker 05

  And he eats the muffin top off and then he starts screaming, "Oh shit, man, I really fucked up, brace yourself."

• 4:37Speaker 04

  Then Discount Dave puts his foot to the floor and it's...

• 4:40Speaker 05

  Pedal to the metal, man. And I'm hanging on to the door and he's just gunning it down the line.

• 4:46Speaker 04

  They race through a police radar check and they're immediately surrounded.

• 4:50Speaker 05

  So he pulls over and starts punching the steering wheel going, "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

• 4:56Speaker 04

  And the cop walks up...

• 4:57Speaker 05

  And Dave's like, "Officer, I'm going into anaphylactic shock."

• 5:01Speaker 04

  Now remember...

• 5:02Speaker 05

  Now remember, I don't know the guy.

• 5:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, remember, they just met.

• 5:06Speaker 05

  So I'm looking the other way, like, is this guy bullshitting to get out of a speeding ticket? And then I seen him pull an EpiPen out of the car door and just slam it into his leg and before I know it...

• 5:18Speaker 04

  The ambulance comes and just...

• 5:20Speaker 05

  Whisks, whisks him away. Now there I am, stuck on the side of the highway and I'm all out of sorts because the cops don't believe who I am 'cause I got no ID on me because back at my buddy's house, I changed out of my frickin' shorts. And I'm like, "Officer, I've got my name tattooed on my back in big, massive letters. Like, what do you want?" Anyway, the cops had nothing on me, so finally they let me go. And I find out later that this Dave guy had been escorted to the hospital and that he ended up at a club that night with a bunch of nurses and scrubs.

• 5:55Speaker 04

  Now this is a party story.

• 5:57Speaker 05

  And, oh, one more little tidbit. That night that the OPP was saying that David Lee Roth was in a hospital in Ontario, Van Halen was playing at Madison Square Garden in New York City.

• 6:08Speaker 04

  And the real David Lee Roth was questioned about it and all he had to say was... "I'm not allergic to nuts, man. The only thing I'm allergic to is criticism."

• 6:18Speaker 04

  You can't write this shit.

• 6:20Speaker 05

  But hey, you know, you know, that guy's in all sorts of trouble these days, right? Yeah, yeah, I read about that.

• 6:28Speaker 04

  So, do you know anything about...

• 6:30Speaker 05

  Nope, nuh-uh. I don't know a thing about that. But you know, you could talk to my buddy who went to high school with him.

• 6:39Speaker 04

  I do need to know more, more about that. So I track down this guy who went to high school with Discount Dave, and I write and rewrite an email to him, just wanting to learn a little more about Dave. But I don't hear back. So I construct another message. "I heard you went to high school together back in the day." And it's bubbly and light. "I really appreciate your time." And blah, blah, blah. Eventually, he replies. "I don't wish to be part of the story or the coverage. Please respect my wishes." Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. I respect his wishes. That's totally fine. "But I assure you, I'm not a journalist. I'm merely a theater artist." Barf.

• 7:23Speaker 04

  "And here's my number."

• 7:27Speaker 04

  Just in case he changes his mind. And then it's... Google alert! "Underage sex trial for David Lee Roth impersonator finally set to begin." Underage sex trial, underage sex, underage, underage, and, and, and... "David Lee Roth wannabe denied." "Bizarre trial for David Lee Roth impersonator underage sex trial." "David Lee Roth impostor on trial for sex crimes." And my body starts to shudder. My body starts to shake. And you know, the trial? The trial, it's just an hour away. I could go. I could just go. Watch them take down this guy. Oh, my god. I have to go. So I run, and I run, well, I drive, to the trial. The trial of Discount fucking Dave.

• 8:24Speaker 04

  The courtroom smells like shit. It's day one. There are two rows of bored students, legs outstretched, heavy breathing, sour puberty breath. Field trip. My eyes scan the room. The accused has their back to me. I think he is a she until a turn of the head. That's him. He's there with his crooked fucking mouth and his greasy fucking hair, right there, right there. It's Discount Dave in an orange jumpsuit.

• 8:52Speaker 04

  I wanna get closer. I wanna smell him. Ew, I do? But I find a seat in the back row next to a reporter with a computer. He leans into me and my notepad. Anthony, from The Citizen. Close talker, friendly demeanor, and his breath ain't that bad. I tuck in and focus on good old Dave, with his snarl and his sneer and his shaky fucking leg. I smell dog. I turn, and there he is, leading the victim in, caber, her emotional support dog. His nickname? The Dogfather. And the victim, I don't know, complaining. She's young, nineteen, twenty. She looks younger. She reminds me of Talia, but maybe, just maybe, a little more of me and...

• 9:40Speaker 04

  First witness approaches, tucks himself in. Conventional, middle-aged, family man. He takes the stand. I listen and take notes and... I used to frequent our community center pool. I noticed a guy I hadn't seen before. It's not a big community, so new people really stand out. Oh yeah? Tell me more. He was with a young girl. Something seemed off about them, the way he was swimming with her. They were playing, but something was definitely off. Yeah, we've established that. Something's always off with him. And the defense is like, just how off was it, Mr. Good Samaritan? Off enough for me to notice, and it held my attention. He was much older, middle-aged.

• 10:24Speaker 04

  And I'm out, out, out of the room.

• 10:29Speaker 04

  And into the pool. The pool. Sixth grade, the one near my house. The one at the high school, where the teenage boys look like men. Swimming lessons. And that free hour after class, when I notice my body for the first time. My pot belly for the first time, that little paunch. I suck it in, just in case I'm getting attention, which I want, from all the boys in my class, and even the teenage men.

• 10:55Speaker 04

  And I'm back. But the way he handled her, like, like she was his girlfriend. But she was just a kid. It made such an impression on me that I told my wife, and she saw it too. And the defense doesn't have a chance against this witness. And her cross-examination falls way, way flat because this good Samaritan is credible, kind, in his right mind. Then it's next witness, the wife of the man who saw them in the pool. It was almost as if I was watching a couple being intimate and close. Then it's witness after witness. And another man saw Discount Dave rushing out of the bushes on a hot summer day. Blanket in hand, young girl behind, bees swarming them. And Discount Dave in a frantic, panicky mess.

• 11:40Speaker 04

  What, another allergy, Dave? Did you forget your EpiPen?

• 11:46Speaker 04

  Day one comes to a close. Thank God. It was a rush, but God, I am so tired. I gotta get home. There's a kink in my neck, my head is pounding. And when I walk in the door, my head hits the pillow and I scroll and I scroll through the article Anthony wrote for The Citizen. And then I'm just, I'm just, I just can't help myself. I want this guy, this Discount Dave's high school friend, to trust me. Not sure why he won't. So I find him on Facebook, and yep, that's gotta be him. And then I add him so he can see who I am. And some of my photos there are embarrassing, but also hilarious. Like, maybe that's a helpful thing?

• 12:30Speaker 04

  So I record a voice note so he can, like, hear me and hear that I'm a good person. Hey, so, you know, I don't wanna push you. And I swear, I'm not like a journalist or anything like that. I'm just like a human being who is trying to tell a story about this crazy night. And I don't really know exactly what I'm gonna do with it yet, but I would also... Maybe that's too much or not enough, I don't know. Stay in touch if that's something that would make you more comfortable. And send. And that was the last bit of energy I had, so I'm just, I'm just out.

• 13:11Speaker 04

  I'm up, I'm up. And oh, my head. I'm sober, I swear. It's just this pain in my neck and my jaw is still clenched. But I'm up, I'm up. With a shot of espresso doesn't help the throb. But I'm off, off, off today too. And I walk through the doors, I'm late, and this headache. I look over at Dave, and today, a cut on his lip, stitches, bruises. This morning, he's claimed he was beaten up in jail. He blames Anthony and what he wrote about him. But that's just what happens on the inside. And me, on the inside, ugh. These aches and underneath, tiny storms on the inside because, because, because...

• 13:56Speaker 04

  And Anthony now feels like a friend in his blue Jays cap. I smack him on the back and I settle in quick and it's... Get a load of this. They've been talking about his dick. And the judge, the judge, he motions to the defense. Counselor, please approach the bench. And the defense lawyer, she struts up, all stilettos and confidence. And I can barely hear her, so I lean in, shush Anthony from the citizen. And the judge seems to be all, what the fuck? So the defense is all... Your honor, due to the allegations at large at hand, if my client did in fact engage in sexual activity with the complainant, it stands to reason she would know the approximate measurements of his penis. Oh? Therefore, we have completed a full measurement of my client's penis

• 14:41Speaker 04

  under the supervision of a registered nurse while in custody. We now seek to compare these factual measurements to the complainant's memory of them. It. To what end? Your honor, I don't think the complainant has ever seen my client's genitals. That is my submission.

• 14:58Speaker 04

  I need some air.

• 15:01Speaker 04

  I walk out to the hall. What just happened? Like, did the defense really just motion to compare Dave's actual, real-life hard dick to the plaintiff's memory of it? I need an escape. A distraction. I turn on my phone, Instagram, Facebook, and boom. A reply from Discount Dave's high school friend. Heyo!

• 15:25Speaker 04

  Listen, I appreciate your tenacity, but my red flags are way up. I guess it strikes me as odd that your friend went on a date with him, but you want to tell the story? Like, why? Good question. And he's left me his number? And holy shit. Now I gotta phone him.

• 15:50Speaker 00

  Hi, I just had to tell you that I think your podcast has changed my life.

• 15:57Speaker 01

  Season one of Sold a Story hit a nerve. It was about teaching kids to read.

• 16:02Speaker 02

  We have gotten this wrong in New York and all across the nation.

• 16:06Speaker 01

  Now we're back with a new season. This time, we go beyond reading.

• 16:10Speaker 00

  I've literally been told by my district that I should not be teaching math. I should be facilitating math.

• 16:17Speaker 01

  I'm Emily Hanford. Go to your podcast app and follow Sold a Story.

• 16:24Speaker 04

  This fucking headache. On the car ride home, my nerves are shot. Not quite afraid, but like angry butterflies. Like, why? Why would this stranger, this high school friend, give me butterflies? I mean, at first, I was denied. Made me work for it, made me try, which is, let's face it, always fucking appealing. Now I need to phone him, phone him, charm him, disarm him. He'll feel that I'm nice. Not naughty, you slut, like I, you know, sometimes want to be. You bad girl, you naughty girl, you fucking sick, twisted little...

• 16:59Speaker 04

  Hi. Thanks for your reply. You know, I've been thinking about your question. Now, from here, things move quickly, and we have a heart-to-heart, and I tell him about my life, like all about sweet boyfriend, but I'm weirdly excited and... I guess you could say I'm like an ex-party girl, to put it lightly. It feels intimate pretty fast, like...

• 17:19Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah. Party girls are fun.

• 17:21Speaker 04

  So he starts to open up, and he tells me about his life, and I ask him about Dave's love triangle and the murder way back when, when one of Dave's girlfriends killed the other. And fine, Dave was never implicated in the crime, but...

• 17:33Speaker 05

  The lawyers and the press tried to spin it, tried to pin it on him.

• 17:37Speaker 04

  Did I read something about Dave worshiping Satan?

• 17:40Speaker 05

  He was just reading the satanic verses.

• 17:43Speaker 04

  Salmon rush tea. Yeah, that's a very different thing. But it turns out, high school friend knew her, Dave's girlfriend, who was murdered, who died, and he starts getting emotional, like, is he gonna cry? And I'm like, I get it. I don't get it.

• 17:56Speaker 05

  I can tell that you do.

• 17:58Speaker 04

  Feelings are okay. I've been through some shit, too.

• 18:01Speaker 05

  I like talking to you.

• 18:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, me too. Are we flirting? Fucking sick, twisted little... Tell me more about Dave, like, um, what was he like back then?

• 18:10Speaker 05

  Oh, he was always a manipulator, a player. Always on the make, and the music thing didn't help.

• 18:16Speaker 04

  Ah, musicians, they're like catnip for me.

• 18:18Speaker 05

  And you know, we were a crew, we used to play music and party.

• 18:22Speaker 04

  I would've fit right in. Are you a musician, too?

• 18:24Speaker 05

  I'm an accountant.

• 18:26Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 18:27Speaker 05

  I can tell your trouble. Those photos on Facebook tell a story.

• 18:31Speaker 04

  I can hold my own. I mean, I'm not really drinking right now, but...

• 18:35Speaker 05

  Boring.

• 18:37Speaker 04

  Well, I mean, no, like, I, I, whatever, I, I was the fucking life of the party, okay? I assure you. Boring, no. I used to do tricks.

• 18:47Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah?

• 18:48Speaker 04

  No, not like turn tricks, just like, just like party tricks, you know?

• 18:53Speaker 05

  Like what?

• 18:54Speaker 04

  Well, I'd pull my G-string over my shoulders. There's photographic proof, actually.

• 19:00Speaker 05

  I'd like to see that.

• 19:01Speaker 04

  Oh, you don't know the half of it. This one time at a party, I went for a ride in the dryer. Yeah, did you know that you can, like, hold a button down on the dryer? And it'll spin around on its own? So, we started to charge admission to the people at the party, and I would, I would sing, "You spin me right round, baby, right round, rock-a-rock-a, baby, round, round, little, little, eh." Scallop fucking back. And I used to pour shots of Jameson from under my boobs, like, "Look, ma, new hands."

• 19:31Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah? And how'd you do that?

• 19:34Speaker 04

  Well, you have to have pretty big tatas, which I do. And it helps if they're a bit sweaty. And you just lift one and tuck the bottle underneath, like, a 26er, obviously. Oh, my god.

• 19:43Speaker 05

  You wild thing.

• 19:45Speaker 04

  Rain it in.

• 19:47Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah, anyway, circling back to my friend Talia. We were a wild crew too, you know? You would've fit right in. Because the girls around us, it's like they gave themselves permission to walk on the wild side, you know? Permission, right. You know, take a bit of a risk, a bit of "I'm alive." Yeah, yeah, exactly. And as far as this imposter stuff goes, you know, say what you want about Dave, but it's rock and roll, man. So if anyone feels duped, it's because they let themselves go. Because they let themselves go?

• 20:24Speaker 04

  I need to wriggle myself out of this, of this mess that I've made before he asks me out. Like, what the fuck? Eventually, I find a way out. We wrap it up, I hang up, light a smoke, like, what the fuck was that? I get up and pace the floor, like, what the fuck am I doing this for? I try to get to bed, I can barely sleep because my throbbing fucking head and these creeps and this guy, this guy, that guy, all these fucking guys. And then there's fucking me gripping on for dear life to some old identity and the trial. The trial, it's just so fucking weird to even just be in there. It's just, it's just getting to me and tomorrow's day three. So I need to fucking sleep. I need to sleep, I need to sleep.

• 21:19Speaker 04

  Day three. This headache. Jaw ache. Got me by the short and curlies. But I show up, I'm there, I'm here!

• 21:30Speaker 04

  I walk through the doors, feels like everyone's looking at me in my sunglasses, hiding from the world. But they're not. It's not about me, it's about this girl. And this girl is a paradox. They're trying to prop her up in a blazer, a pressed shirt. So to the untrained eye, she looks innocent, conservative, pretty. But why? Why should that matter? She's just a girl. A girl like you, a girl like me. And oh, what's that? I can see just under the collar, a neck tattoo. Peekaboo! And a smoky eye. And maybe it takes one to know one, but this girl, the victim, complainant, plaintiff, accuser, prover. I now know her name, but let's leave it to the side, because this girl has seen some shit. She takes the stand. The dog father lies at her feet.

• 22:15Speaker 04

  She pets him methodically as the crown in her snooze-fest outfit asks her questions. He was a family friend. But at first, we didn't really spend time alone, but then...

• 22:31Speaker 04

  Like a babysitter, yeah. But I don't know. I guess he was more like an uncle, if that makes sense. My body starts to tremble lightly, tiny storm inside. He made me feel special. My hands start to shake. Fingers into the mouth. I start to bite. He used to play me these joke songs on the guitar. He would make them up on the spot.

• 22:58Speaker 04

  And uh-oh, here we go again. And I'm out, out, out of the room. Handsome neighbor's house, after school. He's teaching me guitar. He's so fucking cool. We learned "Blackbird" by The Beatles. It's like a classical style. It's too hard for me, and this makes him smile. He asks me to walk on his back, so I do. But my foot, it slips to the side and cracks his back, and he moans. "Did that hurt? Sorry." But he moans again. You feel so good. And he tells me I'm special. You have the magic touch. Then he says, "That's good." "That's good enough. Let's work on your G chord." "That's easy enough." And I want to be better at everything, so I can impress him by being good at everything. Because when I sing, he says... "You sound amazing."

• 23:42Speaker 04

  And I really feel special and seen by him, and it's hard to explain this high-zip sting and then...

• 23:49Speaker 04

  You have to stop doing that. Anthony interrupts. You're distracting the judge. Because, because I'm tap, tap, tapping on the bench. I sit on my hands, my jaw starts to clench. My hand to my mouth and I bite and I bite. My nails and my tongue. Then the complainant again. He treated me like his girlfriend. I thought I was his girlfriend.

• 24:12Speaker 04

  Uh, the first time we were physical, I was nine.

• 24:18Speaker 04

  I am eleven.

• 24:21Speaker 04

  My parents are out. My handsome neighbor who taught me to smoke. He's babysitting me, but he says I'm not a baby.

• 24:30Speaker 04

  He says we can get high on nutmeg. We look in the pantry. We grate the nutmeg. He holds out his palm. Together, we dip our tongues to eat it. It's powdery, dry, he's dreamy, I'm shy. It's steamy, the shower is on. I'm drowsy, too steamy. I start to feel sick. I lie on the floor. I stare at the red woven basket, the door. I crawl to the toilet, he says it will pass. He sits down, puts my head in his lap. He takes the comb from the red woven basket. Runs it through my hair, I like that. Then he lays me down flat. Puts my hand in his pants. I don't like that.

• 25:15Speaker 04

  He strokes my back, he says it will pass. Then he rolls on top, I want it to stop, I don't like it, don't like it, and...

• 25:25Speaker 04

  The gavel comes down. Court is adjourned. And Anthony from the citizen. You okay? Hard to listen to that.

• 25:35Speaker 04

  I launch out of my seat, out of the courtroom, the courthouse, and out, out, out in the blinding sun. Heart pounding, I unlock the car. Shaking. Trembling.

• 25:47Speaker 04

  I have to escape. And across the street, the liquor store. My foot on the gas, try to speed past, but I turn in. I turn in and I pick up a bottle of tequila. And back in the car, still parked. I can't twist the cap fast enough. I'm just sitting there, my lips to the edge when I hear

• 26:05Speaker 04

  any yelp.

• 26:07Speaker 04

  I turn toward the sound. Then I'm out, out, out of the car. And left on the ground, a dog, a dog, a whimpering dog. There's blood and a gash. Drop the bottle, smash, and everything around me disappears.

• 26:26Speaker 04

  And through the pinprick, the crack, the dog, the dog. It's just the dog. I rush to the thing. We lock eyes and, and, and I just, I just, I just pick it up.

• 26:49Speaker 04

  I don't return to the trial. But it drags on.

• 26:55Speaker 04

  Anthony from The Citizen gives me updates. There's a conviction, then a mistrial, then a retrial, a delay.

• 27:06Speaker 04

  It goes on so long that Caber, Caber the emotional support dog, retires. And eventually, eventually Discount Dave, charged with sexual misconduct, interference, grooming of a minor, is acquitted.

• 27:32Speaker 04

  They say that you shouldn't make any big life changes in the first year of sobriety. Like, don't move or date. Probably don't get a large aggressive dog.

• 27:46Speaker 04

  But I nurse her, slowly, back to health. There's some bruising and a gash. The body repairs fast.

• 27:57Speaker 04

  But the mind, the heart...

• 28:01Speaker 04

  I throw the ball and I cry. I tell her to sit and I cry. We walk around the city and I cry and I cry. And no one can come too close because she's protecting me. I can barely handle her, let alone myself, but she's protecting me. So I've become obsessed with training techniques because she's really fucking strong. But it doesn't take that long. And eventually, more confidence? Good girl.

• 28:34Speaker 04

  More calm? Good girl.

• 28:38Speaker 04

  And to focus on her, it doesn't stop the pain, but it gives me the nerve to face my shame.

• 28:48Speaker 04

  And I talk to my mother, a heart to heart, about Handsome Neighbor. She blames herself.

• 28:57Speaker 04

  And it's not that she knew, but she felt deep down that something was off. Her suspicions were true. And I remember she asked me about it in the bathroom at the time, when I was washing the smoking out of my hair.

• 29:14Speaker 04

  And my body knew, the whole time. But my brain wanted to be grown up before my time, so I couldn't tell the truth. And everything that followed, sweet boyfriend, New York, the Fort Gary Hotel, and Talia at the restaurant, yeah, I'm ashamed of myself.

• 29:37Speaker 04

  But Mom assures me, over and over, it makes sense to her how I got from there to here.

• 30:04Speaker 04

  My dog. My dog.

• 30:10Speaker 04

  She's curled at my feet, face buried in her tail. A writing retreat. I've spent the morning meditating, journaling, blending and drinking my greens. It's a fresh hell of wellness.

• 30:25Speaker 04

  Animals are amazing. Did you know the science, the studies, they show that a woman sleeping next to a dog increases oxytocin? The hormone that runs a woman's nervous system.

• 30:37Speaker 04

  Okay, fine. I found that on Instagram. Pseudoscience, mumbo jumbo. But whatever, still.

• 30:46Speaker 04

  My dog. When she lifts her head and looks me in the eye, I know. I know, it's time.

• 30:56Speaker 04

  Hey, come here. Come here. So we hit the trail. We set out over the hills, the sun beats down, and there's nothing, nothing, nothing better than my dog. My dog.

• 31:12Speaker 04

  She darts off to chase a squirrel and it's... No, no, no, no, no, leave it, sniff it, don't eat it.

• 31:22Speaker 04

  She's a wild one. Not great at controlling her impulses, but we're working on it. And that feels good.

• 31:31Speaker 04

  Good girl.

• 31:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 32:05Speaker 04

  You've been listening to Discount Dave and the Fix from CBC's Personally. The show is written, produced and hosted by me, Rebecca Auerbach. My director, dramaturge and producer is Aviva Armer Ostroff. Original music, sound design and mix by Michelle McLem. Our senior producer is Veronica Simmons. Anna Ashitay is our coordinating producer. Our studio engineers are Evan Kelly and Graham McDonald. Our podcast art was designed by Chloe Cushman. Our cross promo producers are Amanda Cox and Kelsey Cuevas. Our video producers are Tamina Aziz and John Lee. Executive producers are Cecil Fernandez and Chris Oak. Tonya Springer is the senior manager.

• 32:50Speaker 04

  Arif Noorani is the director and Leslie Merklinger is the executive director of CBC Podcasts.

• 32:59Speaker 04

  Many, many people helped make this story come alive and I'm eternally grateful. There is a full list of everyone in the show notes, but the following people made it all possible. Josh Block, who introduced me to the CBC. Nadia Johnson, Torquell Campbell, Tobias Slazak, Karen Rae Mackenzie, Robin Bancroft Wilson, Stephen Holmes, Frank Kreitz, Dean H., Hayley McGee, Rachel Cairns, Valerie Bahajiar, Ben Stevenson at BFC Copy and Creative, Diana Bentley at the Vault Creation Lab, Mark McGrinder and Studio 180, Mary Frances Moore and Theatre Aquarius, Andrea Donaldson and Nightwood Theatre, the Ontario Arts Council, Dwight McPhee, Equity Showcase Theatre and the Cale Chernin Awards, Bard on the Beach Shakespeare Festival,

• 33:44Speaker 04

  Wally and Fiona Auerbach, Katie Auerbach. And most importantly, all of the dogs. Buckle up, here they are. Tilda, Larry, Amiga, Tommy, Frankie, Jessie, Lupe, Suki, Zibi, Teddy, Ku, Toby, Lea, Cabor the emotional support dog, R.I.P., Negrita the pig, the howler monkeys of Costa Rica, Indi the cat. And last, but most importantly, the soulful, patient, protective and goofy Archer, the German shepherd dog.

• 34:20Speaker 04

  If you enjoyed the show, consider checking out another series from CBC's Personally. One I really liked is called Run, Hide, Repeat. Pauline Dakin takes you on an immersive journey into a childhood spent on the run, under a shroud of secrecy. When Pauline is finally told what her family was running from, she's left with more questions than answers. You can find Run, Hide, Repeat, along with all other CBC podcasts, wherever you find your podcasts.

• 34:53Speaker 03

  For more CBC podcasts, go to cbc.ca/podcasts.