Discount Dave (and the Fix), Episode 4: Crazy from the Heat

Back home in Vancouver, Becca gets a job in a debaucherous French restaurant where they encourage their staff to drink. One day, Talia comes to town. Talia, now a nurse, has her life together. A husband, kids, the whole enchilada. She gives Becca her perspective of the Discount Dave night, but it’s not what Becca remembers. Talia dishes a hard truth - Becca attempts an escape - but this time, she takes Talia with her and their reunion takes an unexpected turn. Hear all episodes of Personally: Discount Dave (and the Fix) now, early and ad-free, on CBC Stories Premium on Apple Podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/channel/cbc-stories/id6443681642.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The youth mental health crisis is growing, and social media is a major driver. Kids are spending up to nine hours a day on screens, often unsupervised, and studies show a direct link to anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. That's where Gab comes in. Gab offers safer phones and watches for kids with no social media, tailored to every age, offering the right tech at the right time, or Tech in Steps. From GPS-tracking-enabled watches for younger kids to phones with parent-enabled apps for teens, each device allows kids to more safely grow their independence. Visit gab.com/getgab and use code GETGAB for an exclusive offer.

• 0:41Speaker 00

  That's G A B B dot com forward slash get gab. Gab: Tech in Steps. Independence for them, peace of mind for parents.

• 0:52Speaker 01

  This is a CBC Podcast.

• 0:55Speaker 02

  The following story is inspired by true events. It contains alcohol and drug use and abuse that may be unsettling for some listeners, so please take care. A reminder that this tale is approximately 71.6% true, and the rest I just made up. Cheers, la chaim, and as my grandmother used to say, tits up.

• 1:24Speaker 02

  So, I'm home. Oh, Canada! Thank God. And I get this new job at this hip new restaurant. Cute neighborhood spa, you know, French bistro, with regulars and high rollers and celebs. Oh, yeah. The odd celeb comes in, dines in, tips big. And they encourage us to be ourselves. You know, just be yourself, be the personality of the place. And they trust us implicitly to run the place and have a sense of humour. So it's the kind of place where they encourage the staff to drink. They even have an honour system, a little sheet of paper taped behind the bar. We can help ourselves to as much as we want. We just have to write it down. Then it's subtracted from our paycheck.

• 2:09Speaker 02

  I start work at 4pm with a staff meal. A stinky old Caesar, yes, the drink, just the drink. Then a glass of wine, then shots, shots, shots. And throughout the night, we're running up and down the stairs. And my paychecks are light, so I work up a bit of an appetite. And when no one's looking, I swipe whatever food the customers have left on their plate. It's mostly just the anti-pasto platter. It's like, just the cured meats, shrimp, cocktail and cheese. It's like, it's like right there. We drink and run and drink and run, bit of leftovers, drink and run and shots, shots, shots. And the celebs we serve, like who? Like who? Well, just to name a few. You've got your Rachel McAdams, our very own national treasure, girl next door.

• 2:53Speaker 02

  Oh, and this one time, this one time, being John Malkovich walks through the door, gets seated at the chef's table. I don't say I'm an actor, because I'm not, I'm not, I quit. But then, oh god, I say it, yeah, I say it. And the obvious next question I'm trying to avoid. Have I seen you in anything lately? Don't say it. Well, I just got back from New York and... And nothing dude, nothing fucking happened in New York. But yeah, I was doing some improv. I couldn't really get my head around the healthcare system. I hate myself, god. Then the owner interrupts, thank god, but he's too excited. Oh no. And too drunk. Oh shit. And he jumps on chef's table and screams in John's face, like all over it, over and over,

• 3:36Speaker 02

  his name, just his name, and it's Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich. No shame, just shots, shots, shots, and Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich. Check please. So, most nights it takes two hours to do the cash out, because everyone is hammered and chain smoking. We snort a few rails, equalize things, it's the snort and sort. So the tips are high and so am I. But we all are, even the chef. Did I mention the chef? Because most nights, he's there. Most nights, most nights, he's on a bit of a tear because he's a fucking psycho, with or without the blow. And he loves to brag about fucking France. You better believe it. Fucking France. He used to fuck a goat. And if you, God help you if you...

• 4:19Speaker 02

  Okay, so there's this ham, this ham, this thinly shaved ham. And whatever you do, don't call it prosciutto. It's bion ham. If you call it prosciutto to the customers, you might get a pan thrown at your head. But we shake it off, shake it off, easy peasy lemon squeezy, and shots, shots, shots. And one night, this one night, Talia comes to town. Yes!

• 4:53Speaker 02

  From CBC's Personally, this is Discount Dave and the Fix. I'm Rebecca Auerbach.

• 5:04Speaker 02

  Episode four. Crazy from the heat.

• 5:25Speaker 02

  Talia's fucking here. And we haven't seen each other in years. And she's, she's just, she's a nurse. She's a fucking nurse. And she's got two kids and a devoted husband, and she's still gorgeous. And it's... How did you? Your shit is tight, like you have it all, all the things. So we're having dinner at the restaurant because I can't afford to eat anywhere else. And I got us a nice bottle of wine because I get us a discount, a discount from my paycheck. And we're drinking and laughing, and then it's... I just remember being so nervous and starstruck. And I didn't even know who he was, but like everybody else did. And you gave me that book, Crazy from the Heat?

• 6:09Speaker 02

  Yes, with him on the cover, like carrying a girl out of the ocean. Hot. And he really did look like a rock star. He looked like a movie star. He was kinda hot, like dyed blonde hair, tanned, wrinkly skin, like, mm, man.

• 6:28Speaker 02

  And he was driving so fucking fast down Main Street. I could hear myself screaming inside the helmet and I was like, "I'm gonna die." And he wasn't drinking, but I am sure he had, you know, those those little containers with those Monday to Friday, different colored, blue, pink, yellow pills. After we left you, wait, you, you were on fire. What do you mean? You had your top off at one point, shaking your tits, and I was like, "Oh no." And you were all, "Yeah, baby, tune in Tokyo." Tune in Tokyo? You know, you know, like he had his fingers, he was like pinching or tuning your tits like the radio. Don't you remember? No.

• 7:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, and that kinda put him off. Did it? Anyway, after we left you at the theater party, did I not tell you? No. We ended up at The Roxy and he drove the motorcycle, the hog, right up on the sidewalk to the front of the line. And I told you. The crowd parted for us and the bartender was like, "David Lee Roth, nice to see you again." And the emcee was like, "David Lee Roth is in the house." What? And I'm pounding the wine and I'm looking for cocaine and I find it. Of course. And the owner gives David the key to his office upstairs. Obvious. And at first, I'm up there alone and I'm chopping up some lines. And then David comes in and he just, well... What?

• 7:59Speaker 02

  You know, there's sometimes a fine line between taking somebody down in a hallway and... Well, I don't know. I mean, I never... But I think maybe... Did I not tell you?

• 8:20Speaker 02

  We need to wash this off. We need to recuperate, recalibrate. Wanna get some blow? Oh, no, no, no. No? I don't do that anymore. I mean, yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, me neither, but like, maybe just for tonight? Nah. Special occasion. Yeah, but no. But no, but yeah? Yeah? Yeah. Then it's bathroom stalls, side by each. She does a couple of key bumps, then my turn. I reach under to grab the baggie, and as she's handing it over, her keys drop, the baggie drops. Fuck, Talia. And then she drops to the floor. She's on the floor, shaking, convulsing. I can't open her door. She's bleeding from her nose. Crawl under the door? No, no, no, run for help.

• 9:04Speaker 02

  I run up the stairs and I scream to the chef, the chef, the goat fucking chef of all people, grabs something, runs downstairs. She's foaming at the mouth! Then he, what the fuck? Narcan? And wham! Hi, zip, sting? No. Oh, wait. Scared, shitless, her, me, my fault? You're okay? Sorry. God, I'm sorry. And how could I? And how did I? And, and it should've been me. It should've been me. And, and fucking fentanyl.

• 9:42Speaker 02

  Then the hospital. And, "She's fine," she says. I'm fine. She says. Forget it. She says. And me, I can't, I can't, I'm sorry, I can't. And her. Please stop. Please go. Please, stop. I just, I just, I just wanna see my kids.

• 10:02Speaker 02

  Is this working for you?

• 10:06Speaker 02

  Is this working for you? Remember, good things. These are not good things. This is the same thing, over and over. I liked it, I liked it. Shake it off, shake it off. Live it up while you can. That feels good. Did I not tell you? It's by on ham! Someone could've been hu- hurt, honey. You should do improv. I'm on a mission, a mission, yes. I think you're wife material. The red woven basket? He taught me smoking. A solo show is just so-

• 10:35Speaker 02

  Blindness. Blindness? Should have been me. So fucking lonely. Hi Daddy. Hi little one. Wait, stop. What, I can't resist a nickname? Sick fuck, sick, sick fuck. I deserve it. I deserve to be smacked, punched, whacked. I go back to the plant lady and it's... Is this working for you? No, no, no. So, so, so I check myself, I drag myself, I heave myself into rehab.

• 11:08Speaker 00

  The youth mental health crisis is growing and social media is a major driver. Kids are spending up to nine hours a day on screens, often unsupervised, and studies show a direct link to anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. That's where Gab comes in. Gab offers safer phones and watches for kids with no social media, tailored to every age, offering the right tech at the right time. Or Tech in Steps. From GPS-tracking-enabled watches for younger kids to phones with parent-enabled apps for teens, each device allows kids to more safely grow their independence. Visit gab.com/getgab and use code GETGAB for an exclusive offer.

• 11:49Speaker 00

  That's G A B B dot com forward slash get gab. Gab: Tech in Steps. Independence for them, peace of mind for parents.

• 11:59Speaker 03

  Hi, I just had to tell you that I think your podcast has changed my life.

• 12:05Speaker 04

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• 12:25Speaker 04

  I'm Emily Hanford. Go to your podcast app and follow Sold a Story.

• 12:34Speaker 02

  Not a drink. Not a drug. Not a dry hump in sight.

• 12:42Speaker 02

  And it's far from easy. But I showed up. I'm there. I mean, here. I'm here. For forty days and forty nights. And there's Gavin from group with his oxy and tranks. And Linda's into benzos. It's pretty boring here, hon. And Jamal is on roids. Doesn't sound that fun. And DBT-CBT, never-ending therapy. But no DMT-PCP, just methadone. What a bore. And there's yoga and breath work and anxiety. I'm in a cloudy pool. Ew. But I swim the laps. Ew. And a grimy hot tub. Nope.

• 13:27Speaker 02

  I don't go near it. And a sauna and a cold plunge. Yes. And I regulate my nervous system with the cold and the hot. And I think of sweet boyfriend. I think of him a lot. With his stutter and glasses. With his cute sneakers and the smell of his neck and his skin and I think and I think. I am where I should be and... You are who you are. Who else can you be? And here, yeah, here. Forty days, forty nights. When people feel better, in any sense of the word, they think, "I am better." They think that they're cured. And, and eventually, I don't want to be naive, but it happens.

• 14:11Speaker 02

  I feel better-ish. And I look better-ish. But ish, only ish. Because, because, because...

• 14:27Speaker 02

  Tiny storms on the inside. Everything that's down, down, deep in here, starts to crawl out and... No poos, no poys, no blow and... You had your top off at one point, shaking your tits. Oh no, oh no, and... Don't you remember? No, no. You know, you know, he had his fingers. He was pinching or tuning. Well, which was it, tuning or pinching? Your tits, like the radio, your tits, your tits. And, and... Don't you remember? And... Didn't I tell you? And... Don't you remember? So I try and I try and I try to remember.

• 15:02Speaker 02

  And I call up anyone who will talk to me from that night. And folks wanna talk. They wanna talk about that night. And Hamlet's like, This is my favorite reason to meet for lunch, ever. And then it's, What do you remember? Do you remember that night? I just remember you gunning for a threesome. Like, why were you so obsessed with sleeping with David Lee Roth? And Gertrude's like, Maybe we did group think on Talia. Maybe our antics egged her on. And I'm like, how? How could we egg her on? And the assistant stage manager, Well, you weren't exactly the arbiter of sense. You were sort of, kind of like, sexually tense. Weren't you sitting on his lap? And when he kissed you. Yeah, he kissed you. You really kissed him back. I was worried for you. I thought you were cool. I don't mean to be rude, but you were scream singing on the table.

• 15:46Speaker 02

  You were writhing on the couch. Didn't you have a boyfriend? Ooh. Ouch.

• 15:55Speaker 02

  And I'm ashamed and embarrassed of this reminder of me, of who I was then. Hon, who else can you be? But I wanna be remembered with integrity. Good luck with that, lady. You're desperate, you're needy, you're pathetic and afraid. But I saved her. I saved her. Didn't I save my friend? I recalibrated, recuperated, redeemed myself in the end. So I call her. I call Talia again and again, and... she never calls me back. But her voice is in my head. He was kinda hot. Like, tanned, wrinkly skin.

• 16:28Speaker 02

  What does this guy even look like? So I Google "David Lee Roth impersonator Vancouver", and it's, wham! An article from The Globe and Mail from way back when, from 2008. Impostor sings, jumps, and dupes Van Halen fans? The Ontario Provincial Police, the OPP, pulled him over for driving erratically. And then, wham! An article in The Rolling Stone. David Lee Roth impostor scamming Ontario allergic to nuts. So I set a Google alert, and it's, Now I'll never miss a thing, and it's, Man who used to impersonate David Lee Roth has dark past. And it's juicy. Fucking juicy. So I dig and I dig. You'll never guess what I find. A love triangle in the eighties.

• 17:12Speaker 02

  Discount Dave's girlfriend murders. Discount Dave's fiance stabbing her 70 times. Dave was never implicated in the crime. Girlfriend pleads not guilty and goes free by reason of insanity. You know. He was worshiping Satan. He made me do it. He was controlling me. He made me do it. And it's.

• 17:31Speaker 02

  David Lee Roth imposter identified? And. David Lee Roth wannabe arrested at Abbotsford Longham McQuade? And boom, his mugshot. That's him. He's there and his crooked fucking mouth and his greasy fucking hair right there, right there. And then it's. David Lee Roth impersonator facing child sex charges. And wham. Discount Dave was on the lam, but he's caught. Charged with sexual assault, interference, grooming of a minor. He pled not guilty, but the list goes on and I can't get calm. A wave of nausea, but I keep it all down. I need to find out more. But I'm not a journalist, but I am a fucking actor. Well, I'm a fucking waiter.

• 18:14Speaker 02

  But this shit's disturbing and the perfect distractor. And now I have a purpose because the story is gold for a play or a podcast or a solo show. Yeah. Now I'm jacked. I'm jacked up on this. So I Google and I email and I try and I try to get a hold of anyone that knew this fucking guy. And I tracked down this guy from way back when, when he was pulled over by the OPP. The guy who was in the car with him and. Now I'm going to tell you the story from my perspective because I never thought he was David Lee Roth. Okay. The papers, they, uh, they got that all wrong.

• 18:55Speaker 02

  You've been listening to Discount Dave and the Fix from CBC's Personally. The show is written, produced and hosted by me, Rebecca Auerbach. My director, dramaturge and producer is Aviva Armour-Astroff. Original music, sound design and mix by Michelle Macklem. Our senior producer is Veronica Simmons. Anna Ashitay is our coordinating producer. Executive producers are Cecil Fernandez and Chris Oak. Tanya Springer is the senior manager and Araf Noorani is the director of CBC Podcasts.

• 19:28Speaker 02

  If you're enjoying the show, consider checking out another series from CBC's Personally. One I really liked is called Short-Sighted. Writer and journalist Graham Isidore is losing his vision. Throughout each episode, he situates listeners in the everyday experience of a blind or low-vision person for an intimate and irreverent look at accessibility. You can find Short-Sighted along with all other CBC podcasts wherever you find your podcasts.

• 20:04Speaker 02

  Tune in next week for an all-new episode of Personally: Discount Dave and the Fix. Or you can listen to next week's episode now by subscribing to our CBC Stories Premium channel on Apple Podcasts. Just click on the link in the show description.

• 20:19Speaker 01

  For more CBC podcasts, go to cbc.ca/podcasts.