Creation Myth, Episode 3: Doors Do Close

After her abortion, Helena’s marriage is at a tipping point. David still wants kids, and she wants her tubes tied. In a moment of despair, a conversation with Ama the poet shifts Helena's understanding of what a good life can look like. Maybe she can center her pleasure? Hear all episodes of Personally: Creation Myth now, early and ad-free, on CBC Stories Premium on Apple Podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/channel/cbc-stories/id6443681642.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  The youth mental health crisis is growing, and social media is a major driver. Kids are spending up to nine hours a day on screens, often unsupervised, and studies show a direct link to anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. That's where Gab comes in. Gab offers safer phones and watches for kids with no social media, tailored to every age, offering the right tech at the right time, or Tech in Steps. From GPS-tracking-enabled watches for younger kids to phones with parent-enabled apps for teens, each device allows kids to more safely grow their independence. Visit gab.com/getgab and use code GETGAB for an exclusive offer.

• 0:41Speaker 00

  That's G A B B dot com forward slash get gab. Gab: Tech in Steps. Independence for them, peace of mind for parents.

• 0:52Speaker 01

  This is a CBC Podcast.

• 1:20Speaker 02

  David had left most of the food on his plate. I'd cooked the salmon with the honey glaze he liked, but he'd taken a few bites, then smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, I guess I'm just not hungry."

• 1:36Speaker 02

  He'd lost weight in his arms, his legs, his face. But he didn't tell me what was going on, and I was afraid to ask.

• 1:46Speaker 02

  Was it the abortion?

• 1:49Speaker 02

  It had to be. In the months since, he hadn't brought it up once. The last time we talked about it must have been the night before the appointment. We'd spent hours on the phone that night, going back and forth, but we hadn't gotten anywhere. I could only imagine raising a kid in Brooklyn, and he wanted to be in California.

• 2:13Speaker 02

  One Sunday afternoon, David broke the silence. He seemed exhausted.

• 2:20Speaker 02

  "I don't know if I can ever forgive myself," he said. "Forgive yourself? For what?" "For choosing California over having a family with you."

• 2:33Speaker 02

  I took a deep breath. What I was about to say was going to hurt, but I had to, so he could stop torturing himself.

• 2:43Speaker 02

  "I understand that you think it was on you," I said. "But you're wrong. This is not about California or Brooklyn. I don't want to have a family. I tried to want it. The hormones helped me want it for a few weeks, but I did not want it.

• 3:04Speaker 02

  I need you to know. I would have had the abortion either way."

• 3:13Speaker 02

  David didn't respond. It was hard to tell if he even heard me.

• 3:30Speaker 02

  Then it was summer.

• 3:34Speaker 02

  Almost exactly a year had passed since the abortion, and David was feeling better. He'd been boxing a few times a week, and on weekends, he'd often bike to the ocean, swim in the freezing Atlantic, then bike back. He was happiest when he was moving. Now, he'd gone river rafting with a friend in Oregon. I hadn't heard from him in a few days and didn't expect him to call from the forest, but that Sunday, he did. His voice sounded low, relaxed, and I closed my eyes. I loved his voice. He made it extra low, and he wanted to turn me on, and it worked every time. I stretched out on the couch

• 4:19Speaker 02

  and asked him how the rafting was going, but he stopped me.

• 4:25Speaker 02

  "Baby," he said, "I can do it. I can have a child in Brooklyn."

• 4:32Speaker 02

  I sat up. I rarely raised my voice with him. David was so good natured, so disarming, it would be like ranting at a rainbow. But that day, my rage shot up like vomit.

• 4:50Speaker 02

  He had cell reception, which meant he must have seen the news. Of course he had. But to him, it was probably just another headline. Russia invades Ukraine. NASA has a new telescope. Supreme Court overturns Roe v. Wade. I continued. It wasn't his body these men in robes were obsessed with. Not him they wanted to treat like livestock. He couldn't even see it, could he? That he was just like them. Just another man unwilling to listen when a woman says no. Only this man I'd been stupid enough to marry.

• 5:23Speaker 02

  I don't know how long I went on ranting. All I know is that David said nothing. And then I hung up.

• 5:33Speaker 02

  As soon as I got off the phone, I made a decision. No one would ever again tell me what to do with my body. Not the law, not my husband. I was going to have my tubes tied.

• 5:54Speaker 02

  I'm Helena de Grootz. And from CBC's Personally, this is Creation Myth.

• 6:05Speaker 02

  I scrolled through different profiles until I found a gynecologist who looked very experienced. She had a serious face, glasses, and a no-nonsense haircut. Let's call her Dr. Valentina Marozova. Judging by her name and age, she was from the former Soviet Union. I liked that. The Soviet Union had been famously progressive when it came to women's reproductive rights. I would be in good hands.

• 6:41Speaker 02

  A nurse told me to undress, lie on my back, and put my feet up in stirrups.

• 6:48Speaker 02

  A few minutes passed.

• 6:52Speaker 02

  Then the doctor came in.

• 6:56Speaker 02

  Without saying hello, she sat down between my legs and inserted her speculum. Not a great start to the visit, but I wasn't alarmed. I have a soft spot for the unsmiling people of the former Soviet Union. So I kept calm, and she kept going.

• 7:15Speaker 02

  Once she'd probed enough, she stripped off her gloves and looked up. "How can I help you?" I told her that I wanted a tubal ligation.

• 7:27Speaker 02

  She asked me if I was married. I wasn't sure why that was relevant, but said yes. She looked down at my chart, then pursed her lips and said, "I'm not doing it. What would your husband say?"

• 7:45Speaker 02

  I was too dazed to reply. Then the visit was over. I got off the table, rushed into my pants, my shoes, made my way downstairs, outside, down to the water, where the wind was always cold, even now in summer, and I let it rip into my thoughts.

• 8:05Speaker 02

  Soon, I was no longer dazed, or shocked, or angry, just sad.

• 8:12Speaker 02

  What would he say? He would be devastated. David clung for dear life to that last bit of hope that maybe one day I would change my mind. What would happen if I let a surgeon take away that hope?

• 8:29Speaker 02

  He would leave, wouldn't he? He would leave.

• 8:34Speaker 02

  I decided I wouldn't try again. All I had to do was run out the clock. I was almost 39. My birthday was in two months.

• 8:49Speaker 03

  Oh, first of all, happy birthday. I'm gonna sing to you. Poorly, but. Hello?

• 8:55Speaker 01

  Hello, Mama.

• 8:56Speaker 03

  Hello, angel baby.

• 8:57Speaker 01

  I was wondering where you were.

• 8:58Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, I'm getting some sunshine. And I'm leaving a message for my friend Helena, okay?

• 9:04Speaker 02

  This is my friend Sarah, mothering.

• 9:07Speaker 03

  See you in a little while, honey.

• 9:10Speaker 01

  I'm gonna put my clothes down and go down.

• 9:12Speaker 03

  Okay, I'm taking some space though, okay? Because I'm gonna, I'm leaving like a private message for somebody. Are you able to be outside and give me space?

• 9:20Speaker 01

  I mean, if it's next to you.

• 9:22Speaker 03

  Not next to me, because I'm talking about some things that are for grownups, okay?

• 9:27Speaker 02

  Her little boy, Eli, negotiated like a pro for another minute and a half. Then he left.

• 9:34Speaker 03

  So, where was I? I was talking about... Oh, no, no, no, I was about to sing you a song. Helena was born in the circle of the sun.

• 9:45Speaker 02

  Sarah lived in a different state, but her voice messages often made me feel like she was, in fact, right there. I could almost smell the warm scent of her essential oil.

• 9:56Speaker 03

  Helena was born in the circle of the sun. Circle of the sun on her birthin' day.

• 10:06Speaker 03

  What, angel?

• 10:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:12Speaker 03

  I love you, Helena. Bye.

• 10:18Speaker 02

  I was smiling at my phone. My lovely, lovely friends. They'd really been there for me. Over and over, I would bring up the abortion, agonize about how sorry I felt for David, how guilty. And they would reassure me that I had done nothing wrong, as many times as I needed. But I was feeling better. David was feeling better. And now it was my birthday. I was excited about this new year. So I decided to do something I never did. I threw myself a birthday party.

• 10:57Speaker 02

  It felt self-indulgent, but I had willed myself to ask my friends to give up their Sunday afternoon to hang out with people they might not even like, to celebrate me as if I were a child. And once everyone was there, I willed myself to relax, instead of monitoring every conversation from the corner of my eye to make sure everyone had fun, because I knew enough about parties to know good hosts don't monitor every conversation from the corner of their eye. I tried to breathe away the knot in my stomach, but it went well. My friends talked, flirted, asked me for each other's phone number.

• 11:36Speaker 02

  So that night, when David and I were lying in bed, I was buzzing with excitement. Was I the luckiest woman alive? I had to be. This was the life I'd always wanted. I lived in a big city. I had a job I cared about, amazing friends. My marriage had weathered a storm. Then I saw the expression on David's face.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  The youth mental health crisis is growing, and social media is a major driver. Kids are spending up to nine hours a day on screens, often unsupervised, and studies show a direct link to anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. That's where Gab comes in. Gab offers safer phones and watches for kids with no social media, tailored to every age, offering the right tech at the right time, or Tech in Steps. From GPS-tracking-enabled watches for younger kids to phones with parent-enabled apps for teens, each device allows kids to more safely grow their independence. Visit gab.com/getgab and use code GETGAB for

• 12:47Speaker 00

  an exclusive offer. That's G-A-B-B dot com forward slash get gab. Gab: Tech in Steps. Independence for them, peace of mind for parents.

• 12:59Speaker 04

  This week on Two Blocks From the White House.

• 13:01Speaker 05

  Canadians have lots of questions about the significance of the US midterms. And we have some answers.

• 13:08Speaker 04

  We've got a special Everything You Wanted to Know episode about the midterms this week.

• 13:13Speaker 05

  Find and follow Two Blocks From the White House wherever you get your podcasts. And what the heck, watch on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday.

• 13:33Speaker 02

  David looked down as he searched for the right words. I scanned my memory, going through the day beat by beat. That morning, we'd gone for a walk in the Botanic Garden together. The weather had been gorgeous, the Japanese garden, so peaceful.

• 13:51Speaker 02

  And then we'd gotten ready for the party, and he'd chatted with my friends. He'd seemed happy.

• 13:57Speaker 02

  Had I missed something?

• 14:00Speaker 02

  Then he looked up at me. And somehow, in that moment, I knew exactly what he was about to say.

• 14:10Speaker 02

  He started,

• 14:13Speaker 02

  "I see now that you will never want a child.

• 14:18Speaker 02

  But I do.

• 14:21Speaker 02

  And I have to try."

• 14:26Speaker 02

  The next morning, he was gone.

• 14:29Speaker 02

  We had been married eight years.

• 14:34Speaker 02

  I cried for two days straight. On the third day, I recorded a message to my friend Sarah, who you just heard.

• 14:44Speaker 02

  Sarah,

• 14:47Speaker 02

  today I'm angry at David because I don't like people who aren't real. I don't like people who are too shit-faced scared to deal with hard things and then just walk around them for years and years and years.

• 15:06Speaker 06

  Until things get really, really messy and really, really painful.

• 15:12Speaker 06

  That makes me angry.

• 15:15Speaker 06

  I feel.

• 15:18Speaker 06

  I feel so many things.

• 15:21Speaker 06

  I'm relieved that finally this madness that I was feeling, like, am I imagining it? Or is he finally really going to decide? That he wants kids, you know, like, it just, it's just kind of driving me nuts. And then we had that conversation and it was all of a sudden very clear.

• 15:48Speaker 06

  I get really, really sad at night.

• 15:52Speaker 06

  I get scared.

• 15:56Speaker 06

  You know, scared of pain to come, scared of loneliness, scared of aging.

• 16:05Speaker 06

  But then the next day it's light again and.

• 16:10Speaker 06

  I get up and I do yoga and I work and I go on a bike ride.

• 16:17Speaker 06

  I'm just grateful for the life I've built.

• 16:23Speaker 06

  I'm happy, you know?

• 16:26Speaker 06

  I know it doesn't sound like I, I am, but.

• 16:31Speaker 06

  I'm glad that.

• 16:34Speaker 06

  I have chosen.

• 16:37Speaker 06

  Sometimes hard, made hard choices. But I've chosen because I know what I want and I know what I need and I know. How unhappy I am when I'm leading like the wrong life, you know?

• 16:51Speaker 06

  And I feel like David doesn't really do that and I feel really bad for him.

• 17:01Speaker 06

  But I'm trying not to focus so much on him because. I always think it must be so hard for him. He's no closer to having a kid and he must be so lonely. He doesn't really have friends or, you know?

• 17:16Speaker 06

  I can't think about that right now. I don't want to break down thinking about how hard this must be for him, you know?

• 17:27Speaker 06

  I think this is a very boring message. I'm gonna send it anyway.

• 17:34Speaker 06

  Thank you for being there for me.

• 17:37Speaker 06

  And for singing. That was a really nice birthday song. I hadn't heard that one. Bye, Sarah.

• 18:02Speaker 02

  When I woke up the next day, it was almost 10:00 a.m. I remembered that in a few minutes, I had to interview someone for my podcast, Poetry Off the Shelf. I looked at myself in the mirror. My face was swollen, gray. But it was too late to cancel. So I brushed my teeth, ran an ice cube across my face, and set myself up in my studio, AKA my closet, between my towels and my winter jackets. Then I clicked the Zoom link. Let's hit that record button. The moment I saw her face appear on the screen, everything I had read about her came rushing back. And I realized, actually, the timing couldn't be better.

• 18:48Speaker 02

  Because here was a poet who did not have kids. Her name was Amma Kojo. And Amma's life seemed fabulous. In fact, she was calling me from Rome, where she was on an artist residency.

• 19:04Speaker 07

  I love residencies.

• 19:06Speaker 02

  And because Amma did not have kids, she had the freedom to drop off the map for a bit.

• 19:12Speaker 07

  I literally say to my friends and family, if you would like to contact me, you can write me a letter. Here is my address.

• 19:22Speaker 02

  Sounds pretty good.

• 19:27Speaker 02

  All I wanted to do was ask her about the life she'd made for herself without kids. But these interviews are not my little therapy hour. They're not about me at all. So I stuck with a more general question. Since you don't have kids, do you feel connected to the circle of life in some other way?

• 19:53Speaker 07

  Well, there's so many ways to answer that. I mean, my body will be a part of the earth at some point. Being an artist is a part of that circularity. Like, being a descendant of Black women artists, like, that's a kind of cycle, circle, that I'm a part of.

• 20:12Speaker 02

  Right. Like, you can create other things than humans.

• 20:17Speaker 07

  Definitely. Lately, I've been thinking about just like the very casual relationships that you might have with somebody who, like, sells fruit at the farmer's market. Like, how beautiful and profound that is, truly. Because that's what makes up our lives.

• 20:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:47Speaker 02

  I had not slept through the night all week. I'd wake up in the dark, remember that David was gone, and cry instead of sleep. I was barely holding it together. I find this so beautiful. Seriously, Ama, I, yeah, I feel like you spread your love widely. Instead of narrowly into a family, like, you know, into kids. I think it isn't talked about enough. How close we can feel to human beings who we may never see again.

• 21:30Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 21:36Speaker 02

  And then I did what I promised myself I wouldn't do.

• 21:43Speaker 02

  I started talking about myself.

• 21:47Speaker 02

  I don't know. I don't know. I've just been thinking so much about all this because on Sunday,

• 21:55Speaker 02

  my husband of eight years left me.

• 22:00Speaker 02

  Because I don't want children and he does. I mean, he knew that from the beginning. I never made a mystery of that, but

• 22:09Speaker 02

  yeah, he thought he could get over it and it turns out he didn't.

• 22:14Speaker 02

  So I've really had to like affirm, you know, that this life without children is a good way to live also.

• 22:22Speaker 07

  It is a good way to live. It is a good way to live. Yes. I mean,

• 22:32Speaker 07

  I mean, I could give you many versions of a pep talk in terms of the child free thing.

• 22:39Speaker 07

  I just think there's so many different ways to live a life. And there's so many ways that we can love. And our life is a love story. It's not about just one person. Family means a lot of different things.

• 23:00Speaker 07

  I'm kind of vowing to you in this particular moment.

• 23:06Speaker 07

  I think it's a beautiful life that you're living and will live.

• 23:15Speaker 02

  We ended the conversation and I walked into my room, suddenly pleased with myself. Everything here was beautiful. The rug with the wild colors, the Indian quilt on the couch, the monstera that I'd nursed until it was bigger than myself. I had done that, not David.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  Then my mood dipped. Without David, my life would be empty of love, of joy, of pleasure. I mean, that weekend, I'd organized my party, and now two of my single friends were going on a date. That was pleasure. My mood brightened, and I'd lay on the floor thinking, "I was pretty awesome, actually, and the world was lucky to have me."

• 24:02Speaker 02

  Then something changed again, as it always does. Maybe the sun went down, maybe I got hungry, and I was back to crying, texting David, crying more when he didn't respond right away. Then he'd call, and we'd both be in tears, promise each other not to do that again, which then we did, the next day and the next.

• 24:24Speaker 02

  I felt so alone. Most of my friends either had kids or wanted them soon. I couldn't help but feel like none of them really understood what I was up against.

• 24:37Speaker 02

  I tried explaining to Sarah.

• 24:40Speaker 06

  It just feels like I'm going against society, and I think that's like why I feel so lonely, you know? Who else is on this path with me? I don't know. I don't have anyone that I can talk to about this.

• 24:57Speaker 06

  I need to find someone who I can talk to.

• 25:03Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 25:07Speaker 02

  Then I realized I did have someone to talk to, the poet, Amakoko. So I invited her over for lunch.

• 25:21Speaker 06

  Okay, let me see, is there anything? So I have salt, pepper, chili flakes, water.

• 25:25Speaker 02

  I think I'm fine.

• 25:27Speaker 06

  Good.

• 25:29Speaker 02

  So can I ask you like the thing?

• 25:31Speaker 08

  Yeah, yeah.

• 25:32Speaker 02

  Okay, okay. How did you come to decide not to have kids?

• 25:36Speaker 08

  I don't think I quite decided. I think they're different people. People, some people know for sure they want children. Some people know they do not want children. I was not either of that. I was in the middle. And I feel like I had conditions, like I'm not interested in being like a a mom at all costs, a single mom.

• 25:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:58Speaker 08

  None of that. I would wanna have children with a committed partner.

• 26:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:04Speaker 08

  So I was like looking around to date somebody and trying to find somebody to build a life with. And then right after that would have been a question about kids.

• 26:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, like if you had found someone like that then?

• 26:18Speaker 08

  Yeah.

• 26:18Speaker 02

  So you didn't?

• 26:20Speaker 08

  No, not by a long shot.

• 26:22Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 26:23Speaker 08

  Yeah, no.

• 26:23Speaker 02

  Can I ask you about that?

• 26:24Speaker 08

  Sure.

• 26:26Speaker 02

  Cause I feel like, yeah, I don't know you very well, right? But yeah, like you clearly have such capacity for love.

• 26:34Speaker 08

  Mm hmm, yeah.

• 26:37Speaker 02

  And you're such a catch, like you're gorgeous, you're smart, you're interesting, you're like ha- take initiative, you know what I mean? You make things happen.

• 26:48Speaker 02

  Why?

• 26:49Speaker 08

  Yeah, I mean, you know, I've thought a lot about this question. I feel like I have a pretty healthy self-esteem. But um, I think it's all, it's like the ways in which in our kind of most personal lives, like patriarchy intersects with racism. Like, I did this um speed dating once in New York. And I met people, none of whom I was like super into. But I still forced myself to like be like be open.

• 27:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:25Speaker 08

  Write down the people, you know? And then if they said they're interested in you, then you get information and you can have a date. No one. No one. And I would very easily point that towards racism. It's just the reality of it.

• 27:45Speaker 08

  Yeah, but yeah, I right now like I feel so fine like with not dating. I don't feel anxious about it. I don't feel deprived.

• 28:00Speaker 08

  I feel like

• 28:03Speaker 08

  I know what I want, which is different than ten years ago. Like I've always like wanted to find somebody to be with. And I feel like I've had enough complicated, you know, not necessarily satisfying in the end, relationships to just be like, I'm good, yo. I'm good. Like I have a beautiful life. There's a sensuality to be found in like, in the poetic life, like in the living. And for me, that's like being able to travel and

• 28:39Speaker 08

  be by myself.

• 28:43Speaker 02

  She was putting on a brave face. I could tell. I'm good. I have a beautiful life. But underneath I saw the sadness where I was sad for her. Because life was no life without someone who pulled you in close and asked you about your day.

• 29:02Speaker 02

  Then I realized what I was doing. You know what happened? Part of me was turning into the person who I meet. When I'm like, no, I don't want to have a kid. And they're like, really?

• 29:14Speaker 08

  I know.

• 29:14Speaker 02

  Are you sure?

• 29:15Speaker 08

  It hurts people.

• 29:18Speaker 08

  Yeah.

• 29:19Speaker 02

  You know?

• 29:19Speaker 08

  Yeah, I do know. Yes. Yes.

• 29:23Speaker 02

  And I thought, oh, God, for someone who has experienced this so often, where people are kind of looking at me almost like with pity or something like, you know that you're missing out on like the greatest thing that planet Earth has in store for us, right? Um.

• 29:40Speaker 08

  Yeah.

• 29:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, I felt like, oh, I totally did that with you.

• 29:44Speaker 08

  Yeah, well, you have. Like, the reason why people do that is because they've had an experience that is like unlike the person who's speaking.

• 29:51Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 29:52Speaker 08

  Right?

• 29:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:53Speaker 08

  It's like the kind of automation of what a life is supposed to be for a woman.

• 29:59Speaker 02

  No.

• 30:00Speaker 08

  You're supposed to like, find a love and that love will lead to having children and it'll be so profound and I don't know if I ever pause to say like, what do I really want?

• 30:18Speaker 02

  But is there grief wrapped up in the fact that you don't have kids?

• 30:27Speaker 08

  I would just say just a tiny bit. And maybe it's just the grief that, for me, it's maybe just the grief that you can't keep going along the, the life with all the options.

• 30:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, like doors too close.

• 30:44Speaker 08

  Yeah, yeah. But I don't, I don't feel regret or I wish I would have done it differently or, and I don't see my friends with kids and, and feel like, if only.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 31:01Speaker 08

  Um, but that's also probably about my outlook on life generally.

• 31:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, like regret is not useful.

• 31:09Speaker 08

  No.

• 31:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:10Speaker 08

  Or guilt, I don't really do guilt either.

• 31:14Speaker 02

  Okay, I'm gonna have to grill you on that. Take notes, you know, just take the medicine, whatever it is that you're on, I need that.

• 31:22Speaker 02

  I did need that. Much of my psyche ran on guilt. I felt guilty for living far from my parents, for global imperialism, so of course I would feel guilty for not having kids.

• 31:36Speaker 02

  It made me feel like a bad citizen. Everyone else was hard at work on raising the next generation and here I was, taking a long hot bath and then sleeping through the night.

• 31:49Speaker 02

  I mean, I feel guilty for.

• 31:56Speaker 08

  Foregrounding my pleasure.

• 32:00Speaker 08

  In life.

• 32:02Speaker 08

  I'm like, how do we fix this?

• 32:06Speaker 08

  Because I think, I think not only life, but I think the world is better when women's pleasure is centered. For real. Life is better. And I think that the world is better, too.

• 32:30Speaker 02

  When Amma left, I cleared the table and made a pact with myself. I was going to center my pleasure. But what sort of pleasure? I didn't like massages, or spas, or parties, or karaoke. I didn't drink or do drugs. I already ate nice food. Then I knew. Learning.

• 32:56Speaker 02

  More than anything, I loved learning. So I decided to splurge on private lessons. I was going to learn audio engineering.

• 33:12Speaker 02

  I'd asked around and found a guy. He'd be there at 10:00 a.m. I was ready. I had prepped my questions, laid them out in bullet points, highlighted a few words, made a dummy session so we could practice.

• 33:28Speaker 02

  Then the doorbell rang.

• 33:32Speaker 02

  As soon as he came in, my mouth went dry.

• 33:39Speaker 02

  This man had blue eyes, dark eyelashes, long curly hair.

• 33:49Speaker 02

  I welcomed him, doing my best not to stare.

• 33:54Speaker 02

  We sat down, and I took out my list.

• 34:09Speaker 02

  He was kind, experienced, genuinely excited about what I wanted to learn, and so very professional. Could he tell that my heart was racing? I got up to get us some snacks. While I washed the blueberries I bought, I let the cold water run over my wrists and told myself that this man was here to teach me about thresholds, true peaks, low shelves, high passes, not for me to imagine what it would be like to kiss him. I put the berries in a bowl, pinched my lips so they'd be pink and plump.

• 34:52Speaker 02

  Then I walked back into the room. I wanted him to look at me. But he was crouched under the desk, rewiring my audio interface. He'd noticed a low hum coming from my speakers. After three hours, he went back home, and I lay down on the bed. It was not even six months after David had left. This was way too early. So I did nothing for one whole week. Then I caved and wrote him an email.

• 35:33Speaker 02

  Two weeks after that, he came over for dinner. Soon, we were spending every weekend together. His name was Brendan.

• 35:45Speaker 06

  Whatever I like about it is when you arpeggiate because of the clustered order, it has this sort of like...

• 35:57Speaker 02

  He felt so familiar. I often forgot that he spoke English, not Dutch. Even his apartment reminded me of home. All his books, musical instruments, a whole room full of them, synthesizers from every decade, an East African thumb piano, a trumpet, and many, many guitars.

• 36:30Speaker 06

  This is the most beautiful guitar.

• 36:46Speaker 02

  What I needed now was birth control. Maybe I could get an IUD. I went online to find a doctor. This doctor better believe in reproductive rights. Then I saw her. Sky-high reviews. Clothes cropped hair, one half dyed white. I made an appointment.

• 37:10Speaker 02

  The moment she came in, I knew. Here was a doctor who wouldn't judge.

• 37:17Speaker 02

  So I told her to forget about the IUD. What I really wanted was to get my tubes tied. She didn't flinch or ask if I was married. She just explained the procedure, the risks, the benefits.

• 37:32Speaker 02

  This is what I wanted.

• 37:35Speaker 02

  So the doctor gave me a piece of paper to sign and opened her calendar to schedule the surgery. I couldn't believe it. After 25 years of being afraid of getting pregnant, I was almost in the clear.

• 37:54Speaker 02

  I was so relieved, I started crying the moment I left her office. I got on the subway, still crying, and didn't stop when I got home.

• 38:09Speaker 02

  I wasn't sure what was going on. So I decided to send my friend Sarah another voice memo.

• 38:19Speaker 02

  Why am I feeling so sad?

• 38:26Speaker 06

  I just feel like I've had to be so strident for so long, you know? I've had to like shout, no, I don't want this. Stop telling me what I want.

• 38:43Speaker 06

  And now it's finally happening and

• 38:50Speaker 06

  it's like now I can just sort of feel what is underneath that, you know?

• 38:59Speaker 06

  I feel this loss, you know, like am I still a woman when I can't get pregnant? Which is so ridiculous. I don't even believe that, you know? It just feels like I'm cutting myself off of like

• 39:14Speaker 06

  something so essential about women. God, again, what is this word, essential? Ridiculous. I don't believe in any of that.

• 39:27Speaker 06

  And I think it also, God, this feels so taboo to say, but I think it also has to do with meeting Brendan. I don't want to have a kid with him. That's not what I mean. But I don't think I would have been as strident about it if I would have been with him all along.

• 39:47Speaker 06

  Cause I love the world we create together. I love that there's music and art and reading. And I love that he loves to cook and that he's just such a

• 40:07Speaker 06

  a good man to have as a partner in a household. You know, it sounds very boring, but you know, crucial.

• 40:24Speaker 06

  God, I can't believe I'm saying this.

• 40:31Speaker 06

  I'm just so confused right now.

• 40:35Speaker 06

  I'm pretty sure I don't want to have a child with him. I'm pretty sure.

• 40:40Speaker 06

  But just even saying that, it's it's a feeling I haven't had ever.

• 40:50Speaker 06

  Oh God, Sarah, this is not where I expected this message to go at all.

• 40:58Speaker 06

  And we met like literally a month ago, like a month and one week ago, or two weeks.

• 41:05Speaker 06

  It has not even been two months.

• 41:08Speaker 06

  God, this is so complicated, Sarah. You're really catching me. I mean, you're not catching anything. I'm catching myself. But I'm, I'm really in the middle of something here. I don't know how seriously to take this thing that I'm just feeling now. Could I have a kid with him? Could I want that? As I said, it's not like I want that. It's just that I don't hate the idea.

• 41:33Speaker 06

  Wow, life is so fucking complicated. I cannot believe this. Okay, Sarah. Well, I have two months. The appointment is set for two months from now, so I have two more months to figure out if I want to have a baby with this man.

• 41:51Speaker 06

  Okay, goodbye.

• 42:02Speaker 02

  Creation Myth is written, produced, hosted, and sound designed by me, Helena DeGroot. My story editor and senior producer is Veronica Simmons. Editorial sound design support by Brendan Baker, who also mixed and mastered the episode. Special thanks to my friend Sarah Brooke Curtis, who gives the best hugs with nothing but her voice, and to the poet Amma Kojo. Amma, you're right, life is a love story.

• 42:33Speaker 02

  The team behind Creation Myth further includes Anna Ashite, who is our coordinating producer. Executive producers are Cecil Fernandez and Chris Oak. Tanya Springer is the senior manager. Arif Noorani is the director, and Leslie Merklinger is the executive director of CBC Podcasts. This project was made possible with the support of VPM Media Corporation. I'll be back next week with a new episode. But while you're waiting, you can listen to another show on Personally titled Forever is a Long Time. That show got started when Ian Coss realized that every living member of his family who'd been married has gotten divorced.

• 43:14Speaker 02

  Which begs the question, will things go differently for him? Because it's hard not to become your parents. I'll see you next week. Thank you for listening.

• 43:29Speaker 02

  And if you want to binge the whole series ad free, you can subscribe to our CBC Stories Premium channel on Apple Podcasts. Just click the link in the show description.

• 43:42Speaker 01

  For more CBC podcasts, go to cbc.ca/podcasts.