The Mattering Mindset in Love: How to Choose the Love You Deserve (Part 2) | EP 579

What if love doesn’t feel uncertain because of the person you’re with—but because you haven’t fully chosen yourself? Many people settle for relationships that leave them questioning their worth. This episode explores The Mattering Mindset in Love—the difference between being chosen out of love versus convenience, why self-worth determines the love we accept, and how to cultivate relationships that foster security and emotional fulfillment. This conversation will shift everything if you’ve ever wondered why love feels like a guessing game. Download the Leave Behind in the full show notes at: https://passionstruck.com/the-mattering-mindset-in-love/Key takeaways:Love isn’t about being chosen occasionally—it’s about being valued consistently. If you have to convince someone of your worth, they are not your person. The Mattering Mindset in Love requires mutual investment, not one-sided effort. True commitment isn’t about exclusivity alone—it’s about daily actions that reinforce security and trust. If clarity scares someone away, they were never fully invested. The right partner welcomes conversations about commitment because they value you. Settling happens when you mistake trust and familiarity for real emotional security. Speak with your feet—your actions should align with your worth, not just your desires. A great relationship makes you feel seen, heard, and valued for exactly who you are. If you wouldn’t tolerate a certain level of effort from a friend, why accept it in a relationship? Want to take this conversation further? Head over to JohnRMiles.com/speaking if you’re interested in bringing these insights into your organization, team, or event. Sponsors:Factor Meals: http://factormeals.com/factormeals50off and use code “FACTOR MEALS 50 OFFRosetta Stone: Unlock 25 languages for life at “ROSETTASTONE.com/passionstruck.”Prolon: Reset your health with 15% off at “ProlonLife.com/passionstruck.”Mint Mobile: Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at “MINT MOBILE dot com slash PASSION.”Hims: Start your journey to regrowing hair with Hims. Visit hims.com/PASSIONSTRUCK for your free online visit. Quince: Discover luxury at affordable prices with Quince. Enjoy free shipping and 365-day returns at quince.com/PASSIONNext on Passion Struck:In the next episode of Passion Struck, John sits down with Natalie Namaste, an expert in self-healing and emotional freedom, to discuss how to break free from subconscious patterns and build a self-love foundation that transforms every relationship in your life. If you’ve ever felt stuck in toxic cycles, this is an episode you won’t want to miss. For more information on advertisers and promo codes, visit Passion Struck Deals. Join the Passion Struck Community! Sign up for the Live Intentionally newsletter, where I share exclusive content, actionable advice, and insights to help you ignite your purpose and live your most intentional life. Get access to practical exercises, inspiring stories, and tools designed to help...

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00John R. Miles?

  What if the reason love feels so uncertain isn't because you haven't found the right person, but because you haven't fully chosen yourself? Too many people mistake being wanted for being valued. Mistaking mixed signals for mystery and inconsistency for passion. But here's the truth, real love doesn't leave you guessing. It's built on mutual respect, emotional security, and the belief that you matter. In episode 579, we're diving deep into the mattering mindset in love. How to recognize when you're being chosen out of love versus convenience? How to stop chasing validation? And how to build relationships that make you feel seen, valued, and truly secure?

• 0:44John R. Miles?

  If you're tired of second guessing your worth in love, this conversation will change everything. Welcome to Passion Struck. Hi, I'm your host, John R. Miles, and on the show, we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions on Fridays. We have long-form interviews the rest of the week with guests ranging from astronauts to authors, CEOs, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes.

• 1:28John R. Miles?

  Now, let's go out there and become passion struck. Hey there, Passion Struck family. Welcome to episode 579. Whether you've been with me for a while, or this is your first time, this is where we challenge conventional thinking and create lives that truly matter. Earlier this week, we tackled two powerful conversations that reshaped how we think about influence on both a global and personal scale. On Tuesday, I sat down with Edward Fishman, author of the new book, Choke Points, to break down the hidden power of global supply chains and how economic warfare is shaping the world around us. Then on Thursday, Dr. Sandra Maxx joined Need to explore the fascinating world of digital psychology.

• 2:14John R. Miles?

  How the data we generate every day is being used to influence, predict, and even manipulate our behaviors in ways we don't always realize. And today, we're bringing it back to something even more personal. The way we experience love. Last time in part one of the mattering mindset in love, we explored why mattering is the foundation of ever great relationship. We talked about how your self-worth shapes the love you accept, the danger of chasing validation instead of real connection, and how to recognize when you're investing in the wrong person. But that was just the beginning. Because today, we're diving deeper into the conversations that most people avoid. The ones that determine whether a relationship is built to last.

• 2:58John R. Miles?

  Have you ever wondered, am I being chosen? Or am I just convenient? Does my relationship actually make me feel secure? Or am I constantly questioning where I stand? If nothing changed, would I still be happy in five years? These are the questions that separate settling from thriving. In this episode, I will break down the commitment conversation. Are you being chosen or just strung along? We go into the mattering mindset in love. Why great relationships require mutual investment, not one-sided effort. And then lastly, we discuss the four dimensions of mattering in love. A framework to assess whether your relationship truly values you or holds you back. Because love isn't about convincing someone to see your work.

• 3:42John R. Miles?

  It's about building a connection where your worth is never in question. So if you're ready to stop waiting for someone to choose you and start choosing the love you truly deserve, then this is the episode for you. Thank you for choosing Passion Struck and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey to creating an intentional life. Now let that journey begin.

• 4:08John R. Miles?

  Last week in episode 576, we laid the foundation for how mattering shapes our relationships. We talked about why mattering comes first, how the way we see ourselves dictates the love we accept. We also explored what it means to truly show up as your full self in a relationship, and how to recognize when you're chasing the wrong person instead of being chosen. But knowing these things isn't enough. The real challenge is applying them. So today, we're shifting the focus to something even more defining: commitment. Because here's the hard truth. Many people mistake exclusivity for real commitment. They think having a title means they're secure in the relationship. But true commitment is not about being labeled

• 4:50John R. Miles?

  official or exclusive. It's about being chosen, not just once, but over and over, through actions, not just words. And that brings me back to Carly. If you listened to part one, you'll remember how at first, everything with Carly seemed great. We had a real connection. We had fun together, and it felt like things were moving forward. But over time, I started noticing something was off. I wanted something meaningful, and she wasn't being forthright. I kept waiting for her to choose me, instead of asking myself, "Am I truly choosing this relationship, or just hoping for validation?" I was afraid to ask for clarity, because I didn't want to lose her. And that's where so many people get stuck. They hesitate to

• 5:35John R. Miles?

  ask for clarity, because they're afraid of losing the other person. But let me ask you something. Do you feel safe bringing up your needs in your relationship? Do they show up for you consistently, or only when it's convenient? Are you being chosen, or are you just hoping they'll choose you? Because if clarity scares someone away, they were never fully invested to begin with. And real love doesn't make you afraid to ask for where you stand. So this brings us to the commitment conversation. Are you being chosen, or truly choosing? Commitment is not about exclusivity. It's about consistent actions.

• 6:15John R. Miles?

  Over time, and many people mistake exclusivity for real commitment. But a truly committed relationship isn't about just having a title. It's about choosing each other every day, even when it's inconvenient. So here's a key question. Do I feel safe bringing up my needs in this relationship? If clarity scares someone away, they were never truly invested. The right partner welcomes these conversations, not because they have to, but because they value you. Dr. Abby Medcalf, a relationship expert, bestselling author, TEDx speaker, and host of the Relationships Made Easy podcast, has spent over 30 years studying why people stay stuck in the wrong relationships. She shared with me on Passion Stuck, episode 183,

• 7:00John R. Miles?

  that many people settle because they confuse trust and familiarity. But trust is more than honesty. It's made up of three parts. Integrity. Do they follow through on their words? Competence. Can they show up in the relationship in a real way? And goodwill. Do they have your best interests at heart? If you only have honesty, but lack the other two, you don't have real trust. You have convenience. That's why settling doesn't feel safe. It feels exhausting because you're constantly questioning where you stand. You're afraid that bringing up commitment will push them away. And they choose you when it's convenient, but disappear when it's not.

• 7:43John R. Miles?

  I don't know about you, but I for sure have felt those things before. And I'm guessing you have too. So many people hesitate to define the relationship because they don't want to scare the other person off. But here's the truth. Commitment conversations don't end the right connection. They reveal the wrong one. Dr. Marissa Franco is one of the world's leading experts in human connection, a New York Times bestselling author, psychologist, and TED speaker. And we discussed human connection on episode 207. And she told me, we are wired for connection, but we've been conditioned to believe only romantic love matters. And that keeps us stuck.

• 8:25John R. Miles?

  And unhealthy dynamics, believing we're failing if we don't have a romantic partner. But she told me the happiest people in the world build entire communities of love, not just one relationship. If clarity scares someone away, they were never truly invested. And this is the important part, the right person will want to have these discussions because they value you. So here's a key question you have to ask yourself. Do I feel safe bringing up my needs in this relationship? Because if you don't feel safe talking about commitment, that is your answer. So now I want to get into something really important. It's a mistake we all make, listening to words instead of watching actions.

• 9:08John R. Miles?

  And this is something that I wrote about in my book, Passion Struck, in a chapter I called, People Speak With Their Feet. If someone truly wants you in their life, you won't have to guess. Let me say that again, because it's so important. If someone truly wants you in their life, you won't have to guess. And I talked about this with relationship experts, John Kim and Vanessa Bennett on Passion Struck. Vanessa shared that early in her relationship with John, she could feel him pulling away. And instead of chasing him, she made a powerful decision. She told him, John, I know I'm awesome and I know what I bring to the table. If you don't want it, that's fine, but I need to know.

• 9:50John R. Miles?

  And that is self-worth in action, because being chosen isn't enough. You need to make sure you are truly choosing too. So here are some signs that you're settling.

• 10:04John R. Miles?

  You're constantly questioning where you stand. You hesitate to bring up commitment because you're afraid it will scare them away. You feel like they choose you only when it's convenient, but disappear when it's not. And John admitted at the time, he wasn't sure what he wanted. He was caught between uncertainty and emotional resistance. And this is something a lot of people experience. They like you, but they're not ready for real commitment. They care, but they're not willing to show up consistently. They enjoy spending time with you, but they're still keeping their Options open. And here's the truth. If someone is unsure about you, they are not your person. And this leads me into another key topic. The difference between being chosen out of love versus convenience.

• 10:49John R. Miles?

  It really gets down to the fundamental question. Are they choosing you because they love you or because it's easy? Dr. Franco explains that too many people stay in relationships out of fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown, rather than because of true connection. When someone chooses you out of convenience. You need to understand that the relationship is built on habit, not effort. They stay because it's familiar, not because it's fulfilling. They stay out of comfort, not passion. They like having you around, but they're not actively building with you. They have the fear of being alone, not genuine love. You're a placeholder, not a priority.

• 11:32John R. Miles?

  But when someone chooses you out of love, they show up with consistency, not just intensity. Love isn't about grand gestures, it's about daily actions. They listen, communicate and grow with you. They don't avoid the hard conversations, they engage in them. And they value your emotional safety, not just their own needs. They don't make you question your worth or where you stand. The right person doesn't make you feel like an option, they make you feel like a priority. So this is an important mattering check in. Are you in love with the person or just the idea of them? Here's a hard but necessary question. Do you truly love them? Or do you just love the feeling of being wanted?

• 12:14John R. Miles?

  If you're more attached to the idea of the relationship than the reality of it, that's a red flag. Love isn't about fitting someone into your fantasy. It's about choosing what's real together. So I'm going to give you a micro gain challenge. I'm going to encourage you to have the commitment conversation. Take five minutes today and ask yourself, what does commitment actually mean to me? Am I afraid to bring it up? And if so, why? Would I accept this level of effort from a friend? Because if you wouldn't tolerate it in a friendship, why accept it in a relationship? And here are some important micro gains to find the right relationship. Have the commitment conversation early. If they leave, better now than later.

• 12:59John R. Miles?

  Ask, what does commitment look like to you? And see if their definition aligns with yours. And then observe who initiates, who follows through, and who makes effort. If it's always you, take a step back. The bottom line, if it scares them off, they were never truly invested. If you feel uncertain, that's not security. And if you have to convince someone to choose you, they are not your person. Because the right person doesn't just choose you once. They choose you over and over and over again. And you deserve that. So we've just established what it feels like to be truly chosen. To be in a relationship where you don't have to shrink yourself, prove your worth, and guess where you stand.

• 13:42John R. Miles?

  But what happens when you realize you're not in that kind of relationship? What happens when you wake up one day and realize you've been waiting to be chosen instead of choosing yourself? That's when the real work begins. Because walking away from the wrong relationship isn't just about losing that person. It's about losing the version of yourself that existed in that relationship. That's why breakups feel so painful. Not just because you miss them, but because you miss the life you imagined together. You miss the identity you built around being with them. And that's what makes moving on so damn hard. And this is why breakups feel like losing yourself. So let's go back to my story about Carly.

• 14:26John R. Miles?

  At first, I kept hoping Carly would come around. I kept justifying the mixed signals. I kept making excuses for why she wasn't being fully transparent about what she wanted. And the hardest part? I convinced myself that if I was just patient enough, she would eventually choose me the way I was choosing her. By the time I finally walked away from Carly, I knew it was the right decision. But knowing something logically and feeling it emotionally. Emotionally, let me tell you, are two different things. Because the hardest part of a breakup isn't just losing the relationship, it's losing the version of yourself that existed in it.

• 15:07John R. Miles?

  Dr. Franco explained to me that this is why breakups feel like losing yourself. She told me, we define ourselves through our relationships. So when a relationship ends, we don't just lose that person, we lose a part of who we were. That's why even when a relationship wasn't right, it can still feel like something is missing. Because you weren't just attached to the person, you were attached to the identity you built alongside them. So this is why it is so important to reframe breakups as growth, not loss. Because you didn't lose love, you gained clarity. You didn't fail, you learned what you won't tolerate next time. Importantly, you aren't broken.

• 15:52John R. Miles?

  You're building a stronger version of yourself. Healing isn't just about forgetting them, it's about remembering you. And the hard truth of my relationship with Carly is I was waiting for someone to validate me, instead of valuing myself. And this is where self-worth comes in. This is where personal mattering comes in. Because here's what I wasn't asking myself. Did I feel valued as I was? Or was I constantly questioning my worth? And if I'm being truly honest with you, I wasn't being valued. I was waiting to be valued. And here's the problem with waiting. When you need someone else to validate you, you've already given your power away. So here's a key question. Are you being chosen?

• 16:36John R. Miles?

  Or are you just hoping someone will choose you? If you have to wonder, if you have to guess, if you have to convince them, it's not real commitment. And now we're going to go into why your brain is keeping you stuck in the past. Dr. Abby Medcalf explained to me that breakups feel unbearable. Not because they were the right person, but because of how our brain filters information. It all comes down to something called the Verticular Activating System, short for RAS, the part of your brain that acts as a filter. Between what you consciously think and what your subconscious believes. Have you ever noticed that when you decide to buy a certain car, you suddenly see that car everywhere? That's your RAS at work. It picks up on what you focus on most. And here's the problem.

• 17:20John R. Miles?

  If you're stuck in a breakup, your RAS filters out all the reasons it didn't work and only searches for proof that they were your perfect person. And this is what ends up happening. You remember the good times and ignore the bad. You romanticize their potential instead of seeing reality. You stay emotionally attached to something that was never fully choosing you. And that's why breakups feel unbearable. Because your brain is literally working against you, making you think you're losing something irreplaceable. When in reality, you lost something that wasn't fully choosing you. So here's a reality check. If someone was truly meant for you, they wouldn't have left. If they were the right person, you wouldn't have to convince them to stay.

• 18:05John R. Miles?

  Letting go isn't just about moving on. It's about retraining your brain to see reality, not fantasy.

• 18:13John R. Miles?

  So if we know our brain is wired to keep us attached, how do we actually break free? Self-awareness is the key. In my interview with Dr. Tasha Europe, one of the world's leading experts on self-awareness, she said something that hit me hard. The biggest reason people stay stuck in painful relationships is a lack of self-awareness. She then went on to say, "We tend to be the least self-aware in the areas where we need it most." This is why so many people repeat the same painful relationship cycles without even realizing they're doing it. They leave one relationship only to find themselves in another one that feels eerily similar.

• 18:56John R. Miles?

  They keep attracting partners who make them question their worth. They confuse intensity with real connection, mistaking chemistry for compatibility. And if we're not self-aware, we keep making the same choices. Not because we want to, but because we haven't done the work to understand why. So I'm going to give you something important here. The breakup self-awareness test. I want you to ask yourself these three questions. What truth about myself did this relationship reveal? What patterns do I keep repeating in my love life? And how can I use this experience to become more intentional in my next relationship? Because healing isn't just about moving on.

• 19:39John R. Miles?

  It's about recognizing the patterns that kept you stuck and choosing differently next time. So here's a way that you can rewrite your breakup story. If a past breakup still weighs on you, take five minutes and write down three things it taught you about love. One way it pushed you closer to the relationship you deserve and what you gained by letting them go. Because healing isn't about erasing the past. It's about using it to rebuild a stronger future. If you've ever walked away from a relationship where you felt unseen, you know that the hardest part isn't just leaving. It's rewriting your entire sense of self. Because when we lose mattering in love, we don't just lose the person. We lose the version of ourselves we became with them.

• 20:22John R. Miles?

  And that's why healing isn't just about moving on. It's about learning to see yourself again without needing someone else to reflect your worth back to you. So before I talked about how I kept waiting for someone to choose me, how I convinced myself that maybe if I just showed up in the right way, they'd finally see my worth. But when you believe you have to prove your value, you end up shrinking parts of yourself just to fit into a relationship. And the truth is, if you have to convince someone to love you, they're not your person. And I didn't really understand that until I met Cory. She was different from anyone I had ever met before. Not because everything was perfect, not because we never had conflict. Because for the first time, I didn't feel like I had to perform.

• 21:07John R. Miles?

  I didn't feel like I had to earn love. I could just be me. When I first started dating Cory, something was immediately different. She didn't avoid tough conversations. She didn't wait for resentment to build up. She addressed things directly. She made it clear that my needs were just as important as hers. And she saw all of me, my strengths and my flaws, and loved me as I was. This was relational mattering in action. I felt seen, heard, valued for exactly who I was. And this brings us to the Mattering mindset and love, what healthy love actually looks like. Love should make you more of who you are, period, not less.

• 21:49John R. Miles?

  A good relationship doesn't make you feel like you have to tiptoe around someone's emotions or walk on eggshells. It doesn't make you question your worth or whether your feelings are quote unquote too much. So how do you know if you're in the right relationship? You feel emotionally safe and that shows up because you don't have to second guess everything. You don't have to shrink yourself to avoid conflict. You can have hard conversations without fear of being abandoned. So now I want to discuss why Corey was different and why that changed everything for me. Meeting Corey was what finally snapped me out of that cycle. Because when you're with the right person, your brain doesn't have to work overtime convincing you that you're happy.

• 22:34John R. Miles?

  You just know, there was no chasing, no over explaining, no wondering where I stood. The right person doesn't make you wonder where you stand. They make you feel like you matter. So if you're in a situation where you constantly have to convince yourself it's enough, it's not. Love isn't about just being wanted. It's about being chosen fully and freely. And that's what the mattering mindset and love is all about. And this comes down to the fundamental question. Are you building the scaffolding of mattering in love or just holding on? The biggest difference between Carly and Corey? Carly was comfortable with where we were.

• 23:16John R. Miles?

  Corey, on the other hand, was committed to building something together. This is emotional mattering. The difference between a relationship that grows versus one that stays stagnant. And here's what you can ask yourself in the relationship that you find yourself in. Are we working towards something real? Are we aligned in our values and long-term vision? Are we both contributing to the relationship or is one person carrying it? Because a relationship should feel like a team effort, not a solo mission. Bottom line, if you can't see them in your future. They don't belong in your present, which brings us to future alignment. If I had stayed with Carly, I would have been living in limbo, hoping for something that was never going to happen.

• 24:00John R. Miles?

  But with Cory, I didn't have to wonder because real love isn't about guessing. It's about clarity. It's about choosing the other person and them choosing you back. So ask yourself, if nothing changed in this relationship, would I still be happy five years from now? Am I with this person because I genuinely want to be or just because I'm afraid to leave? Does this relationship align with my long-term vision of love, partnership and purpose? Love begins with mattering and that starts with you. The biggest lesson I learned from all of this, we don't need to be chosen to matter. We need to matter to ourselves first. The love we accept is a reflection of the love we believe we deserve.

• 24:44John R. Miles?

  So if you're stuck in a relationship where you don't feel valued, seen or secure, then you're choosing something less than what you deserve. So here's the final question, are you choosing love or are you just choosing what's familiar? Love isn't a guessing game. The right person makes their feelings known through actions, not just words. A few weeks ago on the podcast in episode 573, I talked about mattering in the workplace. How great leaders create cultures where people feel valued, heard and significant. But what about our personal lives? If we understand mattering at work, why don't we apply it to love? At work, we know that feeling invisible, unheard or unappreciated kills motivation and engagement. The same is true in relationships.

• 25:29John R. Miles?

  If you constantly feel like you don't matter, the relationship will slowly erode your confidence, joy and sense of self. So how do we rebuild mattering and love? It starts with understanding what it truly means to feel valued. We talk a lot about mattering at work, but love is no different. If you constantly feel invisible in a relationship, it's only a matter of time before you start shrinking yourself to fit in. And that's why I created this framework to help you assess whether your relationship supports your growth or slowly. Erodes it. That's why in today's episode, I'm introducing the four dimensions of mattering in a relationship, a way to assess whether your relationship reinforces your value or diminishes

• 26:11John R. Miles?

  it. Love isn't just about being in a relationship. It's about choosing one where you truly matter. And too many people settle for relationships that make them question their worth instead of reinforcing it. But love should make you more of who you are, not less. Just like in leadership and work, mattering in love has four dimensions. The first is personal mattering. Do you feel valued as you are? And here's some questions you can ask yourself. Do I feel valued? Or do I constantly question my worth? Am I showing up authentically? Or am I shrinking myself? Dr. Tasha Yurk, an expert in self-awareness, says relationships often mirror our self-worth. She told me if you feel like you're disappearing in a relationship, it's not because love is

• 26:56John R. Miles?

  supposed to be selfless. It's because you've stopped prioritizing yourself. So here's a self-check you can do. Am I adjusting my personality, values, or desires just to keep the peace? Am I prioritizing their happiness at the expense of my own? Do I feel like I have to prove my worth? Or am I accepted as I am? And here's a truth bomb. The right person doesn't require you to shrink. They celebrate your full presence. And this brings us to the second element of the framework, relational mattering. Do they truly see you? So here's some questions to ask yourself. Do they make me feel seen, heard, and respected? Does this relationship bring out the best version of me? Dr. Franco says relationships thrive when both partners feel valued, not just

• 27:41John R. Miles?

  tolerated. She told me you should never have to convince someone to see your worth. Real love isn't about proving yourself. It's about being seen for who you already are. So here's some signs you're being truly valued. Your partner listens when you express your feelings instead of dismissing them. They respect your boundaries instead of pushing them. They support your growth instead of feeling threatened by it. If someone makes you question your significance, they don't deserve Access to your heart, and that is so important for you to understand. And this leads us to the third component, emotional mattering. Are you building something together? And here's some questions to ask. Are we building something real? Or is this relationship stuck in place?

• 28:27John R. Miles?

  Does this relationship support my personal growth? Or does it hold me back? Dr. Metcalf explains that emotional safety isn't just a feeling. It's a biological need. She told me when your brain perceives a relationship as unsafe, it sends stress signals that make you feel anxious, insecure, and emotionally exhausted. So here's some signs that you're building a real future. You don't feel like you're the only one carrying the relationship. You can express your true thoughts without fear or backlash. You feel chosen daily, not just when it's convenient for them. If love feels like an emotional roller coaster, it's not love. It's a lack of safety. And this leads us to our last component, our future alignment.

• 29:11John R. Miles?

  Does this relationship align with your future? So here's some questions to ask yourself. Does the relationship I'm in align with my long-term vision and values? If I stay, will I regret it five years from now? Relationship experts John Kim and Vanessa Bennett say that the biggest relationship mistake people make is choosing from fear instead of clarity. And they told me people stay in wrong relationships because they fear being alone more than they fear being unfulfilled. So here's a long-term clarity check. Would my future self thank me for staying in this relationship? If nothing changed, would I still be happy in five years? Am I staying because I genuinely love them or because I'm afraid to leave?

• 29:54John R. Miles?

  If you can't see them in your future, they don't belong in your present. So now that you understand the four dimensions of mattering in love, I want you to take this quick self-assessment. Give yourself a score from one to 10 for each category. One equals, I don't feel this at all. And 10 equals, this is fully present in my relationship. First, do I feel valued and seen in this relationship? Score yourself one to 10. Second, do they treat me like I matter with consistency? Again, score yourself on a scale of one to 10. Are we building something real and sustainable? Again, a scale of one to 10. And then lastly, does this relationship align with my future vision and my values?

• 30:39John R. Miles?

  If any score is below a seven, you have to ask yourself, what needs to change? You should never feel like you have to earn love. It should be freely given and deeply felt. So before we wrap up, if today's conversation resonated with you and you're ready to take action, head to the show notes. I put together an episode takeaway to help you apply these ideas in your own life. Use it as a reflection guide, a journaling prompt, or even a conversation starter. Because transformation doesn't just happen through insight. It happens through action. Love begins with mattering. Love is a choice. Make sure you're choosing wisely. The most important relationship you will ever have is the one with yourself.

• 31:24John R. Miles?

  When you believe you matter, you make better choices in love. So often, we chase people who make us feel like an option. We over explain, over give, and over compensate, all in the hope that they will see our worth. But love was never meant to be earned through effort or sacrifice. Love is something we build with someone who sees our value from the start. The difference between settling and thriving isn't one grand decision. It's the small choices we make every day. The choice to set a boundary instead of ignoring your needs. The choice to walk away from uncertainty rather than clinging to potential. The choice to stop proving your worth and start believing in it.

• 32:05John R. Miles?

  And this is where true love begins, not with finding the right person, but with becoming the version of yourself who attracts the right kind of love. The person who knows that love should feel safe, not like a test, that the right relationship will bring more of you to the surface, not less. That real connection is not about convincing someone to stay. It's about being chosen freely and fully. If you find yourself questioning whether you matter in a relationship, that is your answer. Love should never be a guessing game. The right relationship won't make you doubt your worth. It will remind you of it every single day. So where do you begin? Start small. Choose one micro action to practice this week.

• 32:49John R. Miles?

  Perhaps say no when you mean it, or stop justifying your needs. Let go of the person who keeps you second guessing. Begin choosing from self-worth rather than fear. The most powerful shift you can make in love isn't about finding the right person. It's about becoming the version of yourself who refuses to settle for anything less than the love you deserve. Because the right person doesn't make you question your worth. They remind you of it every single day. And that's a wrap on today's episode. But here's the thing, this conversation doesn't end here. The way you approach love, relationships and self-worth shapes everything.

• 33:33John R. Miles?

  Because when you believe you matter, you stop settling, you stop chasing, you start choosing better. So here's your challenge. Take action. If you've been waiting for someone to come around, ask yourself, am I being chosen or am I just hoping? If you've been stuck in uncertainty, have the conversation you've been avoiding. If you've been playing small in love, start showing up for yourself first. And if this episode hit home, share it. Send it to a friend who needs to hear it. Post it, tag me. I want to know what resonated most with you. If you want to go deeper, I don't just talk about these ideas. I bring them into organizations, teams and communities to ignite real transformation. If you're looking for a keynote workshop or event that will shift how people think about relationships,

• 34:18John R. Miles?

  purpose and personal masteries, let's connect. Head over to johnrmiles.com/speaking to learn more. So coming up next on Passion Struck, I'm sitting down with Natalie Namaste, a renowned expert in self-healing and emotional freedom. We're diving into how to break free from subconscious patterns, release emotional blocks, and build the kind of self-love that transforms every relationship in your life. If you've ever felt like you're repeating the same toxic cycles, this is an episode you don't want to miss.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  Arises deep within the solar plexus chakra, so connected with the stomach with a there's a fiery energy there, it's the element of fire and one can hold opinions and really believe in their opinion and it's their identity, it's who they are. One comes into contact with someone else who holds a different opinion, it creates such a trigger, they feel like it's poking at them and who they are and what they believe and you can physically feel it.

• 35:20John R. Miles?

  And remember, you're not here just to consume content, you're here because you're investing in yourself. And that's what Passion Struck is all about. So take what you've learned today, apply it, and keep showing up for yourself, because no one else can do that for you. And lastly, the fee for the show is simple. If you got value here, pay it forward. Leave a five-star rating, share this episode, post it, text it, whatever it takes to get this into the hands of the people who need it most. Until next time, keep choosing the things that matter, and as always, live life passion-struck.