S13 EP4: Rob Beckett: The Toast Thief

In this episode Rob gets accused of stealing a childs toast at a breakfast buffet on holiday.... ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xxx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [email protected] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Observe the North American dad. 50s, great polo collection. He enters his vehicle information on Carvana. An offer appears in minutes. Remarkable. He squints, reads it again, smiles and says, dang, that's a good offer. The highest form of approval. No haggling, no hassle. No one called him boss. He's still on the couch. Astonishing. Sell your car today on carvana.com. Pickup fees may apply.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  From the studio that brought you WandaVision.

• 0:32Speaker 02

  I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore.

• 0:38Speaker 01

  The Vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy. That family wasn't real. You sure about that? I had a father called Vision. How is this possible?

• 0:49Speaker 01

  Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest. Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy. Now streaming only on Disney+.

• 1:02Speaker 03

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress. A hoodie slips beneath a blazer. An old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season. You create it layer by layer until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 1:30Speaker 04

  This episode is presented by Monzo. Josh, I love the summer holiday. Aside from being asked for an ice cream every 32 seconds.

• 1:38Speaker 05

  Wow, Rob. That is why it's an ideal time to get them a free Monzo Kids account. Help build confidence and independence with their money. You can instantly send money or set up regular pocket money and parents still have full visibility and control from their own Monzo app.

• 1:52Speaker 04

  Unlike the requests for ice creams from the kids.

• 1:54Speaker 05

  Monzo's award-winning kids account. Search Monzo for children aged six to 15. Parent or guardian account needed first. UK residents only. Ts and Cs apply.

• 2:07Speaker 04

  Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with.

• 2:12Speaker 05

  Raf, can you say Rob Beckett? Rob Beckett. Well done. Can you say Josh Whittaker? That's thinking now. Well done. There you go. Hey, Rob and Josh. This is Hen and Mads from South East London and our 30-month-old son Raf. In brackets, short for Raphael. Don't slag the name off, Rob. We already know you hate it. Close brackets.

• 2:39Speaker 04

  What's the surname?

• 2:40Speaker 05

  She's called Hen. Henrietta, maybe?

• 2:42Speaker 04

  Henrietta and Raphael.

• 2:44Speaker 05

  Big fan of the pod and I'd love to say it's prepared us for parenting, but I'm not sure anything can. For example, last month, our son swallowed a small conch shell on holiday. We were contemplating taking him to A and E, but thankfully he shat it out the following day.

• 2:58Speaker 04

  Oh, that's a quick, quick gut on Raphael.

• 3:03Speaker 05

  Is he a super responder?

• 3:05Speaker 04

  He's a teenage mutant ninja digester.

• 3:09Speaker 05

  Would you take your kids to the A and E if they ate a small conch shell on holiday?

• 3:15Speaker 04

  A conch? Oh, no, because they're quite smooth, a conch. Depends on the conch.

• 3:20Speaker 05

  It depends on the conch.

• 3:21Speaker 04

  And my conscience.

• 3:23Speaker 05

  For letting us know. Oh, there you go.

• 3:25Speaker 04

  Couple of puns there now.

• 3:26Speaker 05

  Don't want that conscience.

• 3:28Speaker 04

  Yeah, nice, isn't it?

• 3:29Speaker 05

  Did you just, did you just click your fingers for a pun?

• 3:32Speaker 04

  Yeah. That's what I do when I do puns. And also I did, you know, I did another one about the turtles. You heard that one?

• 3:39Speaker 05

  What was that? Shell thing?

• 3:40Speaker 04

  I called it a, it went, oh, he, he dealt with that quick. He's a teenage mutant ninja digester.

• 3:45Speaker 05

  Yeah, I didn't get that at the time, but I just moved on.

• 3:47Speaker 04

  He's a teenage mutant ninja turtles, Raphael.

• 3:49Speaker 05

  Oh, right. I see. Sorry, I thought it was a.

• 3:52Speaker 04

  Sorry, you know what? You didn't get it. None of that.

• 3:54Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. I thought, Rob, it was a reference to it being a shell.

• 4:00Speaker 04

  Oh, no, I was still going off the name from earlier, but you know, yeah.

• 4:04Speaker 05

  I tell you what, it's a teenage mutant ninja digester, hero in a conch shell. You could add an extra.

• 4:11Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 4:12Speaker 05

  Extra boost.

• 4:13Speaker 04

  Yeah. Okay, he swallowed. He swallowed my shell. How is she?

• 4:19Speaker 05

  Oh, here we go.

• 4:23Speaker 04

  Oh, this is a good start, isn't it? I feel, I feel vibey.

• 4:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, we've got a new catchphrase.

• 4:29Speaker 04

  What's the new catchphrase? The, the clicking when I do a pun.

• 4:32Speaker 05

  The clicking when there's a pun.

• 4:34Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's a bit, yeah, that, I think, I think that feels like something that really catch on in a night out in the pub and it'll never be done ever again.

• 4:41Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, exactly.

• 4:42Speaker 04

  We had a night out once, we got really drunk and we kept on saying, if anyone said something like, that we all agreed with, someone went, yeah, respect actually, and then shook their hand. And then for the entire night, every time anyone did anything. That night I got so drunk and I drunk so much beer and I'd eaten so many burgers and wings, I vomited, but not through alcohol, just from overindulgence.

• 5:03Speaker 05

  Consumption.

• 5:04Speaker 04

  Consumption and it went all over my shoes. So I just took my shoes off and threw them in the garden and got in my mate's car and drove home.

• 5:11Speaker 05

  Oh, my words. What a story.

• 5:15Speaker 05

  What a story to start us off.

• 5:19Speaker 05

  How are you finding not gigging, Rob?

• 5:21Speaker 04

  Um, I am loving not travelling and being away from home. I really miss being able to go out and just unload and find something funny that I, that makes a room laugh and I enjoy playing around with as almost like a, and an example is sort of throwing someone a football and they can do keep you up easy and having a few shots. You know that excitement of, you know, if you're like working somewhere and you've got an hour break and there's a football pitch nearby and there's a ball there and you go, should go and play quickly. And it feels like you're a child again.

• 5:53Speaker 05

  Interesting, because when we were filming.

• 5:55Speaker 04

  That's what happened.

• 5:56Speaker 05

  Yeah, and me and Rob just walked inside.

• 5:59Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, I love that. So that, you know, for me it's like.

• 6:02Speaker 05

  Tom Davis and two of the producers went and played football.

• 6:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 6:06Speaker 05

  And I looked at it and I thought, ah, quite fancy a lie down. And I went and I slept for an hour and a half at lunch.

• 6:14Speaker 04

  I know. But, but I, the stand-up, I love it because it feels like play. But what I don't like is you've got to drive somewhere, go somewhere, wait for everyone to come in the, do you know what I mean? So, um, but I have actually got, I'm doing a gig, I'm doing a festival gig in a couple of weeks, so I'm doing a little, little run-through gig in, I'm doing an hour at the pub in London.

• 6:35Speaker 05

  An hour?

• 6:36Speaker 04

  Well, I've got two people coming on, so I'm going to do 10 minutes, bring on someone for 10 minutes, someone else for 10 minutes and then do the rest. But it's, it's like, it's all sold out as I've done a lot, it's in like a hundred people. So it's like a little impromptu gig because I need to remember, remind myself of my old material to do the gig and also I like, so I do miss, so I'm going to start doing.

• 6:54Speaker 05

  Your old material?

• 6:55Speaker 04

  Old material that I know works from my last tour at the festival gig.

• 6:59Speaker 05

  What's the festival gig?

• 7:00Speaker 04

  It's called, um.

• 7:02Speaker 05

  This is the hour with two other people.

• 7:03Speaker 04

  No, no, no. So, no, the, the warm-up gig is in a pub in London and I've got an hour that I'm going to fill with me doing 40 minutes and two people doing 10 minutes each. Then the next day I've got to do like a half an hour, 40-minute set at the festival gig in Hertfordshire. I think it's called the Great Fate Festival in Hatfield or something.

• 7:20Speaker 05

  Right, right.

• 7:20Speaker 04

  So I'm doing like 40 minutes there. So I'm doing the gig to remind myself of my jokes so that.

• 7:23Speaker 05

  You are so much more conscientious than me.

• 7:26Speaker 04

  Oh, am I?

• 7:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, I, I would never be more. I do, I've, I've done a few festival gigs this summer and I just think I'm sure I'll remember it.

• 7:36Speaker 04

  No, I just need to shake the rust off. I need to shake the, and I don't want to be shaking the rust off in front of people that have paid proper money. I'd rather shake it off in front of people that, not to throw you under the bus with that.

• 7:47Speaker 05

  Well, I know, I'm rust-free. I'm rust-free, Rob.

• 7:50Speaker 04

  But you finished your tour. But yeah, anyway, so I'm doing that and I'm actually really looking forward, I'm looking forward to the pub gig more at the moment because there's less pressure on it.

• 8:02Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:03Speaker 04

  But then once I've done that gig and reminded myself I know all the jokes and I can do this as a job, then I'll look forward to the gig the next day and it'll be a fun experience rather than an anxiety-inducing, oh, God, how can I remember to do this? Because I know I know how to do it because I did it that before. But in answer to your question, I am getting itchy and I want to do stand-up again.

• 8:20Speaker 05

  I thought you would. You get itchy if you don't do stand-up for a while.

• 8:24Speaker 04

  I just love doing it. I just, it's, it's just like playing. I feel like a child that's been given a big box of Lego and I'm up there messing about, if that makes sense.

• 8:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 8:32Speaker 04

  So I will do more, but I'm going to start doing little random gigs to sort of not build to a tour, but use it as a release so that I'm happier and calmer all week.

• 8:41Speaker 05

  You expect the tour to be announced in six to nine months.

• 8:46Speaker 04

  So I know what I'm like.

• 8:48Speaker 05

  Expect the tour to be announced.

• 8:50Speaker 04

  If I do do it, I think I'm gonna do, I think it will be called Matinee Man and I'm just gonna do matinees.

• 8:56Speaker 05

  Expect the normal tour of evenings.

• 8:59Speaker 04

  No.

• 9:00Speaker 05

  To be announced in six months. Most identical to the previous tour will be announced in six months. Join the mailing list now for the follow up to the previous tour. If you saw him at seven PM in Coventry, he'll be on at seven PM in Coventry again.

• 9:15Speaker 04

  No.

• 9:16Speaker 05

  In October twenty twenty eight.

• 9:18Speaker 04

  And I'll be doing smaller venues, smaller gigs and the daytimes. And if you want to come to them, sign up to my mailing list at robbeckettcomedy.com and you'll be the first to know when I do them. But Matinee Man, so that's the plan anyway. So I've said it is, if anyone nicks at, you know, it was my idea first. It's called Matinee Man and I'll be doing matinees across the country to be announced.

• 9:35Speaker 05

  And what, what, what, sorry, they're gonna be matinees during the week?

• 9:39Speaker 04

  I haven't decided yet, I'm gonna look at it.

• 9:41Speaker 05

  Amazing.

• 9:42Speaker 04

  I'd love to do Friday matinees and that's it, one a gig a week.

• 9:46Speaker 05

  One gig a week.

• 9:47Speaker 04

  And then if that sells out though, I would potentially put more on that day. So if I do a one o'clock gig, then I might put a half four on and if that sells out, I'll do an eight o'clock. So I'm not saying it won't be evening, but the tour will be.

• 10:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 10:01Speaker 04

  Friday afternoons and then if it sells, I might add on more, but that's where it will start from. As opposed to them all being at eight o'clock and working backwards. Cause I just don't wanna be away from home and I still wanna do it and enjoy it.

• 10:11Speaker 05

  Would you do, would you do the weekends?

• 10:14Speaker 04

  No.

• 10:14Speaker 05

  No.

• 10:15Speaker 04

  So I might struggle sell tickets, but I'd rather sell less tickets, really enjoy myself and be at home.

• 10:19Speaker 05

  And let's be honest, it'd be a great one day a week work.

• 10:23Speaker 04

  Can you imagine how good I'd be? Cause if I go, I literally leave my house at like eight in the morning, get to a venue, I'll be fucking buzzing, it'll be a much better gig. And then I'm home, I'm back in the car at four, I'll be home for dinner.

• 10:34Speaker 05

  But say you're doing the three gigs, right? You're treble gigging it.

• 10:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, if I'm treble gigging it, that's a bit more of a, but.

• 10:39Speaker 05

  But I mean, what a great way to work and then you've got six days off the Matinee Man tour.

• 10:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, and then I do a bit of this with you on a Monday and then I've got the week to myself, what a dream life, very lucky man. So Matinee Man.

• 10:51Speaker 05

  Golf.

• 10:52Speaker 04

  Golf, the matinee dude.

• 10:54Speaker 05

  The matinee dude.

• 10:56Speaker 04

  No, not dude, Matinee Man. Any better name suggestions, let me know, but Matinee Man is what I'm thinking of at the moment.

• 11:00Speaker 05

  I think you've said it sixteen times, I think is yours.

• 11:03Speaker 04

  Well, I'll say, I still need to say it ten more times to beat how much we said Jackpotato in the other episode.

• 11:07Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 11:08Speaker 04

  Oh, I've got a good thing here, Josh. I forgot to mention it last week, my mum gave me a boomer story.

• 11:14Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 11:15Speaker 04

  She went, I've got a boomer story for you. And I went, is it something you did? She went, no, it's what my parents did. I went, well, I don't wanna be a sassy bitch, but that's, that's not a boomer story. Well, I don't know what you're.

• 11:26Speaker 05

  Victorian story.

• 11:27Speaker 04

  Victorian, well, I don't know what, what is the generation? I've got, I've called it beyond boomer. This is for the generation above.

• 11:36Speaker 05

  Is a hundred and three.

• 11:38Speaker 04

  He's still going, isn't he?

• 11:40Speaker 05

  He's still going. So when was he have been born, nineteen twenties?

• 11:45Speaker 04

  So.

• 11:46Speaker 05

  So he's not Victorian.

• 11:48Speaker 04

  Oh, Art Deco, Art Deco boomers. Well, I've called it beyond boomer, which basically, cause there's lots of people that listen to this that are older.

• 11:56Speaker 05

  Don't know.

• 11:57Speaker 04

  Well, there's people that listen to this that are in like sixties and seventies that like this, that if you wanna contribute stories about the parenting you received, call it beyond boomer and we know that's the extra generation, cause it's even more extreme than boomer parenting. So my mum said, she went, oh yeah, I remembered one. She said in quite a casual way, she went, yeah, when I was eleven, basically our, our neighbour's cat had to be put down.

• 12:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 12:23Speaker 04

  Cause it was unwell.

• 12:26Speaker 04

  My neighbour's cat had to be put down, was unwell, so my neighbour asked me to take it to the vets on my own on the bus.

• 12:33Speaker 05

  Oh my God, that is mental.

• 12:35Speaker 04

  I remember I was on the bus and cause the cat was unwell, it pissed all on the floor. And she said wet, actually my mum, she didn't say pissed. It wet on the floor and all the, I remember all the wet was running down the bus. And then I, and it, and it kept on leaking, cause they, they'd put it in a fishing basket.

• 12:51Speaker 05

  Oh, your poor mum, oh my God, what's a fishing basket?

• 12:54Speaker 04

  I don't know, but it's got holes in it, I think, to let the water out. So it's like, I don't know, but she was like, yeah, so, yeah, so then I had to just take it to the vets and they gave me a note and the money and then the vet took the note and the money and then I just got the bus home at eleven.

• 13:10Speaker 05

  Saddest thing I've ever heard in my life, so grim.

• 13:17Speaker 04

  It's horrible, isn't it? I mean, where's the vibe, should we do a pun?

• 13:22Speaker 04

  That's a tough task to tackle mum, fishing, remember?

• 13:25Speaker 05

  Oh, right, yeah, I was struggling with that pun, yeah.

• 13:29Speaker 04

  What a great one, trying to bring up, you shouldn't have worn your waders.

• 13:32Speaker 05

  She had to do it, she had to do it eight more times, cause it's cat, yeah?

• 13:35Speaker 04

  Yeah, if you want.

• 13:37Speaker 05

  Right, fine.

• 13:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 13:39Speaker 05

  If we have to.

• 13:42Speaker 05

  Worst thing was she had to do it eight more times, that's how you do it, isn't it?

• 13:45Speaker 04

  Yeah, but you're sad now, cause you're thinking about cats, aren't you?

• 13:48Speaker 05

  No, I was sad, cause I was thinking about my career.

• 13:53Speaker 04

  Well, on a Zoom with me in a hotel doing that.

• 13:55Speaker 05

  Clicking fingers, making cat jokes. Don't love it.

• 14:00Speaker 04

  Don't love it, but you know, it is what it is, take your medicine.

• 14:03Speaker 05

  Exactly, exactly.

• 14:04Speaker 04

  If you don't like it, change it.

• 14:05Speaker 05

  Exactly, well, do you know what, I like it enough to keep it.

• 14:08Speaker 04

  How about instead of clicking, when you do a pun, you clap your hand and then do arms out like a showbiz.

• 14:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, well, the glasses are quite good for me, the old glass, the old Eric Morecambe style glasses.

• 14:21Speaker 04

  Bit of fun, family friendly like jokes.

• 14:23Speaker 05

  Well, I do do the glasses on stage now, I think it's upped my comedy by ten percent.

• 14:29Speaker 04

  A hundred percent, it really works, it just gives a, cause Tom Allen uses a sort of like eyebrow for that.

• 14:34Speaker 05

  On the clapping thing.

• 14:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:36Speaker 05

  My daughter, I was, you know, those things that girls do now?

• 14:43Speaker 04

  My kids are mental with it, like that sort of.

• 14:45Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 14:45Speaker 04

  Skipper, skipper, top two.

• 14:47Speaker 05

  My daughter.

• 14:48Speaker 04

  Go on.

• 14:48Speaker 05

  Boom slap clap ba boom slap clap boom boom slap clap ba boom slap shh.

• 14:54Speaker 04

  Oh, that's a good, well, my kids try and teach them, but they are like twelve minutes long, there's about fifteen different claps and it's like.

• 15:05Speaker 04

  Yeah, so what are you shushing? Just stop.

• 15:07Speaker 05

  That's just the end.

• 15:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, I like it.

• 15:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, you just, and they love it, don't they? My daughter's just doing it all the time.

• 15:15Speaker 04

  And then, but then they change the lyrics and change the words, so my kids argue over what the words are.

• 15:19Speaker 05

  Oh, guess what, guess what game I've passed on to my daughter?

• 15:23Speaker 04

  Come on.

• 15:25Speaker 05

  So it's called butt crack, right?

• 15:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:28Speaker 05

  So I got back from, where were we, Paris? And she's got a hula hoop and she was doing that thing, you know, where you throw the hula hoop out with backspin and it comes back to you?

• 15:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:42Speaker 05

  And I was like, oh, my brother used to play a game with this as a grown up, right? We'd play it in the garden called butt crack, where you stand facing each other.

• 15:50Speaker 04

  You had a go at playing football.

• 15:51Speaker 05

  I know, no, I didn't have a go.

• 15:54Speaker 04

  Well, no, but it was implied like, oh, we're gonna go for a lay down, cause we're a bit like above this and now you're playing naked butt crack as adults.

• 16:00Speaker 05

  That was not implied, the implication was different strokes, different folks. Me and Romesh wanna go and have a little spoon in the, in the bedroom, that's fine.

• 16:08Speaker 04

  And then, and then I'm playing football, but you're, you've got your naked brother and you're throwing a hula hoop off his arse. Well, are you getting it up his arse?

• 16:16Speaker 05

  So you stand and then you spin it and it has to go behind and come back between your legs and it parks like a bike in a.

• 16:25Speaker 04

  In my head, it's in.

• 16:26Speaker 05

  Yeah, right, well, that's, you know, that's your dirty little mind.

• 16:30Speaker 04

  In my head, when you, after each go, you have to wipe it clean.

• 16:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, of course, of course.

• 16:37Speaker 04

  So it just, it's more that it rests near your bum crack between your legs.

• 16:41Speaker 05

  Yeah, like a parks bike.

• 16:44Speaker 04

  In my head, you're drunk and someone's took the trousers and pants off at a barbecue in your early twenties.

• 16:49Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 16:50Speaker 04

  And then you're doing that and it goes in the bum crack.

• 16:53Speaker 05

  All right, yeah, no, a different kind of game really, I wouldn't have shown that to my daughter.

• 17:00Speaker 05

  That'd be insane.

• 17:02Speaker 04

  That's why I was a bit taken aback, but it's not, it's more just, it goes towards whatever you're wearing, it's that you stayed dressed.

• 17:08Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 17:08Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 17:12Speaker 05

  This episode is brought to you by shoe.

• 17:14Speaker 04

  What is it about school shoes? Just the words probably sends shivers down parents' spines.

• 17:20Speaker 05

  Of course, Rob, it's nightmare fuel, right? So you've got, A, you've got to find the right ones in the shops that please you, that please the kid and please the school. There's three people that need to be pleased in that situation and please your wallet, of course, Rob, please your wallet. What size do you get? Do you get too big so they can grow into them? And then where are they? I can't find them and it's five minutes until we need to go to school. It's constant nightmare, Rob.

• 17:44Speaker 04

  But then the kids want a pair that they like or like, oh, these are me, but then if they're not really suitable, cause some aren't fully suitable for school.

• 17:51Speaker 05

  Thankfully, there's shoe kids, the place for school shoes that let kids express who they are. Feeling they can stand tall in their shoes, which builds confidence for the kids.

• 18:00Speaker 04

  Plus, because you'll find brands like Nike, Adidas, New Balance kickers and Dr. Martens, they'll get a pair of shoes they actually want to put on for once, which will make those morning school runs so much easier.

• 18:11Speaker 05

  Find their perfect pair online or visit in store for fitting with staff who are pros in the right fit, found far.

• 18:17Speaker 01

  From the studio that brought you WandaVision.

• 18:19Speaker 02

  I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  The Vision returns from the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy. That family wasn't real.

• 18:30Speaker 06

  You sure about that? I had a father called Vision. How is this possible?

• 18:36Speaker 01

  Don't miss the two episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest. Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy. Now streaming on Disney Plus.

• 19:21Speaker 04

  Right, do you want to do some correspondence? Have you got anything else to mention?

• 19:25Speaker 05

  No, my life's pretty static at the moment.

• 19:27Speaker 04

  Okay, well, we've got a few here. We've got "Get help getting Alfred by an in-law", "The longest shortest time between waking up and leaving the house", "What's this really about?", that's when people are angry, but you think it's a different reason.

• 19:40Speaker 05

  Oh blimey, people are really, they're fast to send stuff in, aren't they? Because that was only last week.

• 19:46Speaker 04

  "Parenting help or parenting hell?", this is formerly "Solidarity or Solid Karen".

• 19:50Speaker 05

  Let's do "What's this really about?", as a kind of reward for being so fast off the mark.

• 19:55Speaker 04

  Okay. "Hello Josh, Rob and Michael. Here is my 'What is this really about?' story. I went on holiday to St Ives with my mum, dad and partner. One day, this is in Cornwall, you know that, one day we decided to play crazy golf and the setting was as wholesome and relaxed as you can imagine."

• 20:13Speaker 05

  Take your trousers off. There's only one hole you're trying to get that up.

• 20:16Speaker 04

  Can I say, "Went to Folkestone for a day out, so good, it was a little family day out. Went to the sea scrub sauna place we've been to before, where you could have sauna and go in the sea, cold plunge, then Sandy's fish and chips, the best fish and chips I've ever eaten in my life. And then we played mini golf and had to walk around the harbour arm and sat and had a drink."

• 20:37Speaker 05

  Oh lovely.

• 20:37Speaker 04

  And there's a playground. Only issue is, hard to get ice cream when we went during the week, but it wasn't just Mr Whippy.

• 20:47Speaker 05

  Ah, yeah. I think Mr Whippy's overrated.

• 20:50Speaker 04

  Me too. Feel like a traitor if I feel like a sort of, you know, national traitor for saying I don't like Mr Whippy, but...

• 20:56Speaker 05

  Do you know Margaret Thatcher was part of the team that invented the Mr Whippy?

• 21:00Speaker 04

  Are you being serious?

• 21:01Speaker 05

  I am being serious, yeah.

• 21:02Speaker 04

  So, was this as Prime Minister?

• 21:05Speaker 05

  No, she was a chemist before she was a Prime Minister.

• 21:07Speaker 04

  Oh right. Was she? Well, like in like boots?

• 21:12Speaker 05

  No, no, like in a lab, which says it all about Mr Whippy, that it was invented in a lab.

• 21:18Speaker 04

  Yeah, I don't like, I feel like it's not, it's real. It's just like sugar, cream, water.

• 21:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, you're like, "What's in this?"

• 21:25Speaker 04

  The only thing I like about Mr Whippy is the sauce and the flake that's on it.

• 21:29Speaker 05

  The flake. I love a flake.

• 21:31Speaker 04

  Anyway, let's get back to this.

• 21:32Speaker 05

  Imagine going Mr Whippy and not having the flake.

• 21:33Speaker 04

  Basically, it's all like AI trying to pretend to be human at the beach. No flakes, like meh, meh.

• 21:40Speaker 04

  Anyway, I don't like it. Anyway, that's Folkestone. Anyway, for context, the mini golf area was next to the beach, this is St Ives by the way, not Folkestone, and it was a pretty low-key setup, an outdoor open space. There were two other families playing at the time, so it was very quiet. We were having a lovely time, minding our own business, when one of the other players, a dad playing golf with two children aged around three or five. Okay, now I would say three and five is slightly too young to play mini golf and it be a fun family experience. They're sort of learning, aren't they? Anyway, I'm not making excuses for this guy. Anyway, he approached my partner, he aggressively said...

• 22:15Speaker 05

  Can we just, sorry, can we add a bit more context, please? Sorry, I was thinking about Mr Whippy. Can you just give me the last bit again?

• 22:20Speaker 04

  So, it's very low-key, they're by the beach and two other families are playing at the same time on the crazy mini golf thing. We're having a lovely time, minding our own business, and it was my mum, dad and partner, so three adults, basically.

• 22:34Speaker 04

  Anyway, the dad playing with two children aged around three and five approached my partner. He aggressively said, "Excuse me, could you be any slower? Can't you see you're holding people up? You're holding up all the families, this is incredibly rude."

• 22:46Speaker 05

  Oh my god.

• 22:48Speaker 04

  Yeah. "We looked around the crazy golf course and there were 18 holes, meaning there were currently at least 15 available. The other family were in the distance. The juxtaposition of this level of road rage, anger at seaside crazy golf courses under an idyllic blue sky with the sadder waves in the background was so odd and something I still regularly think about. I wish I'd asked him and I'd love to know your thoughts. What is this really about?"

• 23:16Speaker 04

  Now, for context, he was wearing a Rolex and a Ralph Lauren polo. He looked like the type to own all the cycling gear and drive a sports car. Stay sexy, relatable, see. Now, let's break this down, Josh. What's your first thoughts on this?

• 23:29Speaker 05

  I think he was incredibly competitive and he was losing and he was... Because he's wearing a Ralph Lauren polo, so there's a good chance...

• 23:38Speaker 04

  What was he wearing?

• 23:39Speaker 05

  I can't even say it, so distant from my experience of clothes.

• 23:45Speaker 04

  Do you know, me and my mates once had a competition to see who could wear the most Ralph Lauren horses on a night out? So like, one of them had a t-shirt, one of them had a jumper, and then my mate won because he pulled his trousers down and had a pair of boxer shorts of about 20 on. So you think he was losing, he was angry?

• 24:01Speaker 05

  I think he was losing and he was angry and he needed an outlet for that.

• 24:07Speaker 04

  Right. My thoughts are, okay, he's driven to Cornwall. If he's got Ralph Lauren on a Rolex, he's probably not local to Cornwall. Yeah. He's realised it's eight hours away and he's got the ump. He's probably from South East London or Essex. Yeah. He's playing golf because, now this, I don't know if this is true or not, for the kind of person who wears a Rolex and Ralph Lauren, they're probably from a white working class area, sort of done quite well for themselves, but may have been brought up by quite an old school parent. So emotionally, they find it difficult to connect with children before they can do something with them that they know themselves, like golf. A three-year-old and a five-year-old are way too young to do crazy golf, they just can't do it.

• 24:50Speaker 04

  Unless you've got a kid that's sort of freakishly good at all sports. Most kids, you're not really playing it, you're just walking around with, holding a stick. He's probably stood there frustrated because at that point in time, he's one man actually doing the course because the kids aren't doing it properly. So he's frustrated like that because he's had this idea of a day out that's not happened. He can't connect with his children yet in a way he'd like to and the three people in front are having a chilled day out and relaxing and he's probably jealous of them having a relaxing time and he's snapped. Rather than going, "Excuse me, we're going a bit quicker than you, please could we go ahead?"

• 25:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 25:24Speaker 04

  That's my take because he doesn't know how to process anger because his dad never hugged him.

• 25:27Speaker 05

  And he's probably, and I'm going to say it, he's probably going to pass that down.

• 25:38Speaker 05

  The odds are looking like he's passing that down.

• 25:42Speaker 04

  Well, did I tell you that my kids told me off for being aggressive on holiday because I complained? Did I tell you this?

• 25:47Speaker 05

  What did you do?

• 25:48Speaker 04

  So this is when the breakfast, I was on holiday, the breakfast was wrong about three times and they kept on coming over and I found it a bit frustrating, so they go, "Don't worry sir, it'll be fine", and I go, and I was like, "No, sorry", and I was just, I was being quite assertive and direct. I wasn't being rude, I didn't raise my voice, but my kids have never seen me be assertive or direct. It's always been, "Hey kid", you know, very soft.

• 26:09Speaker 05

  They've never been at work with you then?

• 26:10Speaker 04

  No, they haven't because at work I'm slightly different to at home. And I can be quite assertive and quite direct and they've never really seen that side of me. And they were going, "Dad, you're shouting, you're being really rude", and then I got really defensive and angry because I always pride myself on not being like that. Because I really don't want to do that. So then I felt a little bit annoyed because I was like, "No, actually, this is unfair because I'm not actually being like that", and then I was, I felt myself getting angry, I was like, "Oh god, I'm now becoming what they said I am because I was angry that I felt was not justified." Anyway, Lou took the kids to Legoland at the weekend while I was away working. There was a man at the front being really rude and aggressive, like going like, he'd bought the wrong Fast Pacers, I think, and they wouldn't let him on, so he's going, "I'm going to film you, where's your boss",

• 26:55Speaker 04

  and like being shouting aggressive. And Lou said she was stood there with the girls and they were sort of giving side eye, like, "Oh god, this man's been a bit mad", and then I was really happy that, because it had been playing on my mind a little bit because I don't ever want to be, I had a lot of family members growing up that could sometimes get a bit angry in situations and it wasn't nice to be around as a child. And this is, you know, numerous people, it's not one individual. And I've always said I don't want to be like that, but I know I do have a little bit of a temper that I try and breathe through. And the youngest said to Lou, "Oh, daddy wasn't being like that, was he?" Because she'd seen an example of someone actually being rude and aggressive. And then she was like, "Oh",

• 27:38Speaker 04

  and Lou kind of was going, "Yeah, no, daddy was behaving in a slightly different way than you've seen him, but he wasn't being angry and aggressive, he was just sort of trying to be quite assertive and direct kind of thing. Because we never complained about anything, anywhere really, we were quite chilled, but, "Oh, we just need some butter and stuff", so that was quite nice actually to hear that, that she'd seen different stuff. That's the kind of thing, a comment from my child that could really play in my mind and really become negative, because then I start to, because it feeds that negative thought process, do you know what I mean? So it was quite nice for her to see someone acting like that and going, "Oh no, it wasn't, that was a different type of communication."

• 28:18Speaker 05

  I don't think this man on this crazy golf course has your...

• 28:24Speaker 05

  Ability to be self analytical and try and improve himself, judging by this experience.

• 28:32Speaker 04

  But then, you know.

• 28:34Speaker 05

  You never know.

• 28:35Speaker 04

  You don't know what's happened to him.

• 28:37Speaker 05

  You don't know what's happened to him. Let's give him his due, but he sounds like a wine car.

• 28:41Speaker 04

  But anyway, but that was a good one. Thank you very much to C and a kiss. So we get, so we get from that person. What do you want now? Do you want to, do you want to get Alfred? Do you want, oh, we've got workplace shaggers with a savour. Weird and interesting things your kids are obsessed with, playground shaggers, parenting fails. Oh, food confession, Josh. We had a lot of listeners who responded to the chewing up of the crackers. And mini cheddars before putting on another cracker. A lot of people said it was disgusting and it made them feel sick. But a lot of people said they also chew up crackers on mini cheddars and then spit them back out. And then put them on another cracker and eat them like a cracker sandwich. It's like a, there seems to be a big community of this.

• 29:23Speaker 05

  Well, I'm glad they found a community. Community is very good in this, in any down age communities.

• 29:27Speaker 04

  I know, but if they can not do that near me ever.

• 29:30Speaker 05

  Yes, ideally.

• 29:31Speaker 04

  I genuinely think I'd, I'd struggle. If, if I was like going out with someone, I saw them do that. I think, I think I'd really struggle to. I'd have to have a serious chat about that.

• 29:40Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 29:41Speaker 04

  But then I couldn't change it. Like, you can't divorce someone just because they're fucking weird with crackers. Write in that on the form. Why are you getting divorced? Fucking weird with crackers, mate.

• 29:50Speaker 05

  Surely you'd know before you got married. I mean, I've only just heard about this now. I didn't know it was a thing at all.

• 29:58Speaker 04

  Um, we've got, we've got another one here. Hello, Rob, Josh and Michael. I was listening to the recent episode of Rob's cheesy breadstick confession.

• 30:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 30:05Speaker 04

  I want to share mine. When I was younger, I'd sneak into the kitchen behind my mum's back to steal a spoonful of Bisto gravy granules straight from the pot.

• 30:13Speaker 05

  Oh my word. Oh my God.

• 30:16Speaker 04

  I'd often take a heaping teaspoon and quickly run away, only to return for another teaspoon to, for another fix.

• 30:24Speaker 05

  What?

• 30:25Speaker 04

  My mum would regularly comment on why the gravy granules always ran out, but I simply blame, but, but, but simply blamed it on being northern. Unable to eat anything without it swimming in gravy. Little did she know, her own daughter had taken to spooning half the salty pellets raw. As a late night after school, school snack.

• 30:46Speaker 05

  Oh, wow. They must be so strong.

• 30:50Speaker 04

  Sadly, as I got older, this habit still continues.

• 30:53Speaker 05

  Oh no.

• 30:54Speaker 04

  From Amelia, um, loving the pod, look forward to my playground shaggers. Amelia, you've written that as if it doesn't happen anymore. And then you're just stuck in at the end, it still continues. So not when I get older, the, the confession should be, I still. I don't want to hear about you as a child. I want.

• 31:12Speaker 05

  The confession should be, I do this. It started when I was a child, but I do this.

• 31:16Speaker 04

  Now, Amelia, I want more details about now. I don't care. You are an adult with free will. Talk me through how you are eating it now. Do you just, because it's naughty when you're a kid and like sneaky, but now you're just an adult in a house with unlimited funds for gravy.

• 31:32Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 31:33Speaker 04

  Well, unlimited, but I do think most people have unlimited funds for gravy.

• 31:36Speaker 05

  When you're a kid and you imagine what unlimited funds would be like, well, not unlimited funds, but as you say.

• 31:41Speaker 04

  But for gravy, it's unlimited funds, isn't it?

• 31:43Speaker 05

  And I remember thinking, I'm gonna buy a box of stickers, you know, like football stickers. And it's gonna be fucking incredible.

• 31:53Speaker 04

  Football shirts for me and football stickers.

• 31:56Speaker 05

  Yeah. And actually it's crap when you just buy, when you can afford to buy all the stickers for the sticker album. It ruins it.

• 32:04Speaker 04

  Come on, sorry.

• 32:06Speaker 05

  Go on.

• 32:07Speaker 04

  Well, so I put on loads of weight when I was about twenty five.

• 32:12Speaker 05

  Oh, sorry.

• 32:14Speaker 04

  I have put on a bit. I've, I've really had to let go. I've got to sort myself out this end of summer. I know I have. I'm just heavy. I just put on weight easily. Um, but I'm, it's fine. I can sort that out. I am.

• 32:26Speaker 05

  You're a super responder to crisps.

• 32:28Speaker 04

  For exercise. I am about twenty five, twenty five, was I? Probably, no, maybe later than that, twenty eight. I just started earning like better money because I've done a little bit of TV, started selling a few more tickets, was getting better gigs, got an agent. So I started earning money where as a single man, I worked out, I could afford to have KFC for lunch every day.

• 32:47Speaker 05

  Here we go.

• 32:49Speaker 04

  And I was like, I can just have a KFC. Cause before it was too expensive to have KFC every day.

• 32:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 32:54Speaker 04

  You know, especially when I started out in company.

• 32:57Speaker 04

  I mean, was it five to 10 quid, depending on like if you're having like a full meal or a buck.

• 33:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 33:02Speaker 04

  But before I used to be eating one pound sushi from Tesco.

• 33:06Speaker 05

  Yeah, I used to be doing the Boots meal deal when I was, you know.

• 33:10Speaker 04

  Yeah. So like two, three quid a day. But then I've got to probably, I could have eight quid a day here for lunch if I want. And I just had KFC every day for lunch for like three weeks and I was, it was great, but it, it starts to have an impact.

• 33:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, because you're, you're not super size me.

• 33:26Speaker 04

  Well, you are having fried chicken every day, but it's not just fried chicken. You've got the bun, you've got the gravy, you've got the wings. Oh.

• 33:34Speaker 05

  So what were you having? A full on meal?

• 33:38Speaker 04

  So it started off because I got a bit over excited having like a zinger box.

• 33:42Speaker 05

  What's in a zinger box?

• 33:43Speaker 04

  So you're looking at a burger, fries, a side. So it'd be like, the side would be gravy for me. But you could have got coleslaw or like sweet corn, corn macaw. So it'd be gravy, a chicken burger, two wings, fries and a drink.

• 33:57Speaker 05

  Right. Wow.

• 33:57Speaker 04

  And I'd have that.

• 33:59Speaker 05

  What's your drink? What, what drink?

• 34:01Speaker 04

  Um, it would be diet or water. So diet cocoa water. Then I started going, hey, Rob, let's be sensible about this. So I'd just buy loads of chicken.

• 34:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. Great protein.

• 34:11Speaker 04

  So I'd just have like five chicken tenders with no chips and then a pot of gravy and mayonnaise. That's my healthy option.

• 34:19Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 34:24Speaker 04

  Just like lying to ourselves about protein.

• 34:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, of course.

• 34:29Speaker 04

  Cause there's no, there's no carb here, just completely ignoring the breadcrumbs around the edge.

• 34:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, of course.

• 34:35Speaker 04

  Anyway, oh dear. Um, right. What do you?

• 34:38Speaker 05

  What did you, that's another one. What did you first spend your money on when you got a proper job as a grown up?

• 34:45Speaker 04

  What, and, and yeah, what, what did you go mad on when you first got some money coming in? Um, all right. Longest, shortest time between wake up and leaving the house. Cause I don't know about you, Josh, I'm loving those school run at the moment. Love it.

• 34:58Speaker 05

  Well, we had a bit of it this morning because we had clubs.

• 35:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, but it's still not as early. It's the early one because we have, our school starts early. Oh, and we're doing this summer because we don't walk that much where we live. Cause where we live, you, there's nowhere to walk to. It's basically, it's to drive everywhere. It's not like our old house where you could do like a 10 minute walk to school, 10 minute walk back from school. We're not walking enough as a family because you have to drive everywhere.

• 35:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:24Speaker 04

  Cause it's the countryside. So Lou's got pedometers and we're doing a family, like, you know, the little cheap, not Fitbits, but the cheap ones.

• 35:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:30Speaker 04

  And the kids are banging to it. And basically they've got to do 10,000 steps every day, minimum. That's the, the, the goal. And then at the end of the week, whoever's done the most steps out of the whole family gets a fiver.

• 35:41Speaker 05

  Oh, here we go. Here we go.

• 35:43Speaker 04

  It's so funny. My kids were like going to the fridge, walking, like just walking up and like backwards and forwards, like, like everywhere. And like walking around with their iPads. Cause it's like, you want them to do more exercise and stuff, but like, you've got to make it fun.

• 35:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 35:58Speaker 04

  Move around. Um, right. Shortest, longest time between wake up and leaving the house. Hi, Rob and Josh. Just wanted to write in with what's got to be the most efficient morning routine ever invented. Courtesy of my lazy 11 year old son. We live over the road from school and although a lovely school, it is not my son's favourite place or thing. He has begun to have the kind of liens we could only have dreamed of when he was a baby. Forty five minutes, sleep, eat, repeat.

• 36:25Speaker 05

  What?

• 36:26Speaker 04

  Oh, when he was a baby, he was doing 45 minutes sleep and then he eats. Yeah, I thought it meant, yeah. So now he's having lines.

• 36:32Speaker 05

  Now, I was like, what?

• 36:33Speaker 04

  What the fuck's this? What's wrong with this fucking loon?

• 36:38Speaker 04

  I now need to wake him most mornings and he's set a new record this week for time from horizontal in bed to school gates. Fifteen minutes.

• 36:46Speaker 05

  Fifteen minutes. That's good.

• 36:48Speaker 04

  He woke him at eight twenty five. He was in school at eight forty.

• 36:52Speaker 05

  Yep.

• 36:52Speaker 04

  In that time, he got up, did a poo, had breakfast.

• 36:57Speaker 05

  To be fair, that's, that's eating into your 15 minutes.

• 37:01Speaker 04

  Big time. He had a poo, had breakfast, got dressed, brushed his teeth, made his packed lunch.

• 37:08Speaker 05

  Whoa.

• 37:09Speaker 04

  In capitals and a laughy crying face. He put sun cream on and walked to the gates with my younger two complaining, even though they'd been up hours earlier. I'm half embarrassed, half proud. Thanks for a superb, pop-stay, sexy, relatable Sarah. What a guy.

• 37:24Speaker 05

  Love him.

• 37:25Speaker 04

  So Josh, do you want, um, parenting help or parenting hell? It's a long one, um, with swear words in.

• 37:30Speaker 05

  No.

• 37:31Speaker 04

  Getting Alfred by an in-law, workplace shagger. Was also, was Rob also a toast thief?

• 37:38Speaker 05

  Oh yeah, let's have this.

• 37:39Speaker 04

  Hang on. So we spoke about, I was at a buffet on holiday and someone took my toast.

• 37:44Speaker 05

  Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.

• 37:46Speaker 04

  Okay. I was very surprised to hear Rob complaining in episode one, series 13, about someone stealing his toast at a hotel buffet. I'll tell you why. Here we go. In 2022, my wife and I were on holiday in Greece with our three kids, Callum, Fraser and Bonnie. I noticed Rob at the breakfast buffet restaurant without intruding. I pointed him out to my kids. Oh yeah, not intruding, just pointing at someone. Fair enough. Um, and told him as a famous comedian, a few minutes later, my son Fraser went to the buffet. He returned empty plated and clearly unhappy. What's wrong? I asked. Fraser responded that that famous guy stole my toast.

• 38:20Speaker 05

  Yes. Here we go. Here we go.

• 38:23Speaker 04

  He proceeded to explain that he put a piece of toast of bread in the toaster in the conveyor belt type. Oh. Talk about moving the goalposts.

• 38:33Speaker 04

  Fuck me. Who knows what goes on?

• 38:35Speaker 05

  Holiday, Rob. Greece conveyor belt toaster, 2022.

• 38:39Speaker 04

  My children would have been six and four. So no, I was barely aware of what was going on to be fair. Um, hang on. He proceeded to explain that he put a bread in the toaster, the conveyor belt type thing, and Rob put a piece of bread in straight after him. However, when Fraser's toast came out, immediately followed by Rob's, Rob took both Fraser's toast and his own. Since then, Rob has been known in our house as toast thief.

• 39:05Speaker 04

  So I was very amused to hear him complaining on the same trial. He will, he will be known to be as, as a hypocrite as well as a toast thief. Keep up the good work and best in your future endeavours, but stay away from our toast. Ewan from Glasgow. Right. Now I've got some questions here, Ewan. I'm happy to open up a dialogue. How old is Fraser? Because I think that matters. Yeah. Cause I, look, I don't remember this.

• 39:30Speaker 05

  You're gonna say Fraser's a liar?

• 39:32Speaker 04

  I wanna know his age. It's a few things. Look, in my defence, okay, there's a lot of stuff going on here. Okay? Children lie.

• 39:40Speaker 05

  Here we go. Here we go.

• 39:42Speaker 04

  How old's Fraser? Because I think that impacts.

• 39:45Speaker 05

  Frazier's about.

• 39:47Speaker 04

  Whatever his kid's called. How old's Fraser? Okay. Two, I think.

• 39:52Speaker 05

  Sorry, Rob, you're accusing his child of, you've decided your opening is to accuse a child of lying.

• 39:59Speaker 04

  Children lie. Okay?

• 40:01Speaker 05

  Yeah. So you see, so do adults.

• 40:04Speaker 04

  Also, children love attention, don't they? Yeah?

• 40:07Speaker 05

  That's coming from you.

• 40:08Speaker 04

  And do you know what? And do you know what? Do you know what's good for attention? An anecdote about a famous person.

• 40:15Speaker 04

  Yeah. Because

• 40:19Speaker 04

  seeing Rob Beckett, and I did quotation marks there, as I'm talking in third person, at a buffet. Great story. Yeah. We've all got one of those, haven't we? He loves a buffet. He's always round them from Pizza Hut to Greek breakfast. However, Rob Beckett stole my toast. Oh. So somebody, interesting fact, for, for a workplace team bonding mess. Yeah. Is that what's going on?

• 40:43Speaker 05

  Can I ask a question?

• 40:44Speaker 04

  Fortunately, I don't know what point I'm on there.

• 40:45Speaker 05

  Can I ask a question? Is this the same Greek resort that I've been to?

• 40:50Speaker 04

  I don't know. I've been to loads of different places in Greece. I don't know why I went into 2022. Um, secondly, I think, this is the big point as well here. Um, obviously, um, this is half joking just to fill some podcast time, but

• 41:05Speaker 04

  the conveyor belt, the conveyor belt is a complex system.

• 41:10Speaker 05

  It's difficult to know which one's which.

• 41:12Speaker 04

  And, and I will, I never ever

• 41:17Speaker 05

  Wait.

• 41:17Speaker 04

  do one go on the conveyor belt. It all, I like well done toast. So I'm going in twice.

• 41:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 41:23Speaker 04

  Yeah. That's what I'm saying. So I, I just think the pop-up toaster, you can clearly, you know, there's two in there, two come out. The conveyor belt, it's a, it's a, it, it, it's all bets are off.

• 41:37Speaker 05

  You need to put a tag on your toast like a, like a, you know, a suitcase at an airport.

• 41:43Speaker 04

  Yeah. Because what, what's happened there is that is not toast theft, because I didn't know that someone else is. At worst, I've misjudged my toast. My mistaken identity, at worst, in a pop up and pop out, that is theft. What I've done is made an honest mistake. However, I put to you, maybe Fraser's made an honest mistake.

• 42:04Speaker 05

  Yeah. Well, that's a bonus after we've called him a little liar.

• 42:07Speaker 04

  Maybe that little prick.

• 42:12Speaker 04

  Maybe that little lying toad, but maybe he has mistaken his toast. We'll never know. All I'm saying is, the conveyor belts are lawless land. The pop-up, pop-down toaster is clear theft. And I think case dismissed. It would be my opinion on it. Josh, it's up to you. And Ewan, sorry for calling your son a prick. I was only joking.

• 42:36Speaker 05

  I don't think we can accuse Fraser of lying. I don't think he would.

• 42:39Speaker 04

  No, I think it's mistaken identity of toast, personally.

• 42:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 42:43Speaker 04

  I've got a question.

• 42:44Speaker 05

  We don't know by who.

• 42:46Speaker 04

  I only eat sourdough.

• 42:50Speaker 05

  Sour dough?

• 42:51Speaker 04

  Because if I have

• 42:53Speaker 05

  Because you're part of the media elite?

• 42:54Speaker 04

  Yeah. It's because if I have the white bread, my belly bloates and I do smelly fart.

• 42:59Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 43:00Speaker 04

  Ewan, another question for you, because I would like more information on this, because if I'm wrong, I will apologise.

• 43:04Speaker 05

  Has that been going on since 2022?

• 43:07Speaker 04

  Does Fraser eat sourdough? That's been the case for about 10 years. Does Fraser eat sourdough toast? Does Fraser, that's, that's my only question for the, for the prosecution.

• 43:15Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 43:16Speaker 04

  Ewan, look forward to hearing from you.

• 43:17Speaker 05

  Um, and if Fraser does eat sourdough toast, what does that mean?

• 43:21Speaker 04

  We're, we're, we're back in the court. If he doesn't eat sourdough toast, my case rests.

• 43:25Speaker 05

  Your case rests.

• 43:26Speaker 04

  Anyway, so we'll see from that. But, um, apologies if I didn't eat the toast, but I think it's a mistaken identity. I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not taking, I'm not taking that. I, I think that's a different, that goes, that's filed under a different kind of story than the toast thief I dealt with.

• 43:42Speaker 01

  From the studio that brought you WandaVision.

• 43:44Speaker 02

  I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore.

• 43:50Speaker 01

  The Vision returns from the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy. That family wasn't real.

• 43:55Speaker 06

  You sure about that? I had a father called Vision. How is this possible?

• 44:01Speaker 01

  Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest. Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy. Now streaming on your Disney+.

• 44:14Speaker 03

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season, you create it layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 44:45Speaker 05

  Shall we do one more as a palate cleanser?

• 44:47Speaker 04

  And like, you know, if I, if I was walking back from the toast machine and I was stood there with, you know, for example, Timmy Mallett.

• 44:56Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 44:57Speaker 04

  I want Timmy Mallett in my toast for the story.

• 45:00Speaker 05

  Of course, of course. So you're, you're going, so

• 45:03Speaker 04

  I'm going looking for that.

• 45:04Speaker 05

  While you regretted accusing him of making it up, you are now doubling down on it.

• 45:10Speaker 04

  Yeah. No, no, I don't regret accusing him of making it up. I regret accusing him of saying it was an anecdote and, and two, calling the child a prick. I regret those two things. I'd like to retract those.

• 45:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, okay.

• 45:23Speaker 04

  If I can. Can I, Your Honour?

• 45:25Speaker 05

  I don't know if you can. Michael, can you?

• 45:27Speaker 04

  May I approach the bench? May I approach the bench?

• 45:30Speaker 05

  You've approached the bench?

• 45:32Speaker 04

  Michael, um, how do you feel I dealt with that? I think, is it sustained overall? Which one is it? The problem is, it's an old trick in, in courts. Once a jury's heard it, they've heard it. Like they can't forget here and here. Oh, exactly. So. The damage is done. The damage is done. So, yeah. I've, I've based in a lot of my courtroom skills on the, on the, on the Matthew McConaughey, John Grisham book to movie films. So.

• 45:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 45:55Speaker 04

  Anyway, Ewan, go fuck yourself, mate.

• 46:04Speaker 05

  Now you've got an anecdote, Ewan.

• 46:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, well, you'd have to make up. Anyway, um, no, I'm already messed it.

• 46:11Speaker 05

  Well, I look forward to hearing that, that.

• 46:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'd like to hear a bit more, Ewan. Obviously, I'd, apologies if I didn't eat your son's toast, but, um, I think it might be mistaken toast identity, but give me some more info and we can work it out. Now, um, weird and interesting things your kids are obsessed with. Hi, Rob. Oh, this is the one. This was emailed in before all the toast stuff. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. My son Fraser loves to make up anecdotes. He started on a holiday in Greece and since then he's had his bike stolen by Ainsley Harriet. He got his hair cut by

• 46:46Speaker 04

  Vidal Sassoon.

• 46:50Speaker 04

  Anyway, hi, Rob, Joshua Michael. My seven-year-old son Abel, okay, um, is absolutely obsessed with the Premier Inn hotel chain.

• 46:58Speaker 05

  Amazing. Superb.

• 47:01Speaker 04

  This is great. Loves everything about it and has even been spotted by the Instagram team for his World Book Day outfit, where he went dressed as a Premier Inn manager.

• 47:10Speaker 05

  Amazing. So good.

• 47:13Speaker 04

  With his official management manual.

• 47:16Speaker 05

  Oh, wow.

• 47:17Speaker 04

  He has even had a Premier Inn themed bedroom at home.

• 47:21Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 47:22Speaker 04

  Fully equipped with a breakfast menu on his bedside table and Lenny Henry sleeping next to him. I'm joking. That's not true. I've never met another child with more of a niche special interest. Thanks, Christina.

• 47:34Speaker 05

  That is brilliant.

• 47:36Speaker 04

  Um, is he still into the, um, delivery thing, your, your boy?

• 47:39Speaker 05

  Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're, they're delivering some stuff in a few weeks. Yeah. I mean, he's, he's a broad transport, but DHL is one of his absolute faves. Do keep those coming in because that is great that he's obsessed with Premier. It's Premier in the purple one?

• 47:53Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 47:54Speaker 05

  Yeah. That, I mean, I think that's a good, they've got good branding, haven't they? They're like, the colour and stuff is, is.

• 48:00Speaker 04

  We've got so many emails here.

• 48:02Speaker 05

  Yeah, sure. One more.

• 48:03Speaker 04

  Um, do you wanna do a, Michael, shall we do a playground shaggers to get people to send more in for a special? Here we go. So let's do a play. Do you want playground or workplace shaggers, Josh? So if you have any stories of sort of people that have having affairs at the school gates or in the workplace, please send them in. Um, that will give you a little example of on workplace or playground.

• 48:23Speaker 05

  Uh, workplace.

• 48:25Speaker 04

  Hi, please keep me anonymous. I had to email and tell you about our family business Christmas party. It was the early 2000s and my parents paid for staff and a plus one to attend a fancy sit-down meal with drinks and dancing afterwards. One member of staff didn't have a significant other, so decided to bring an escort with him as his plus one.

• 48:45Speaker 05

  What?

• 48:46Speaker 04

  I mean, I'm, oh, hang on. He introduced her to everyone as his new girlfriend. So I think what this is, he's sort of gone with someone and gone to just pretend to be my girlfriend for a bit and say we've been seeing each other for a few months. So it's not. It's more, I think he was embarrassed, he was single as opposed to like, just wanting sex, I think. Anyway. He introduced her to everyone as his new girlfriend. Every time he went to the toilet or the bar, she proceeded to offer her services to a number of the other male guests.

• 49:15Speaker 05

  Oh my fucking God, this is wild.

• 49:20Speaker 04

  One of the warehouse staff who was in his early 60s and there was his, oh, oh my God, I can't believe I'm reading this out. One of the warehouse staff who was in his early 60s and there with his wife, took her up on the offer.

• 49:34Speaker 05

  No way. That is.

• 49:38Speaker 05

  I'm glad you said on the offer, because he said, the warehouse staff took her up. And I thought, oh no, surely not.

• 49:46Speaker 04

  Oh, no, not.

• 49:49Speaker 04

  Took her up on her, on the offer.

• 49:53Speaker 04

  On the offer sounds rude anyway. And she only pulled, she bent over and I saw her on the offer.

• 50:00Speaker 04

  Whilst his, whilst his wife was on the dance floor, he slipped to the disabled toilets with the escort.

• 50:05Speaker 05

  I can't.

• 50:10Speaker 04

  And it wasn't long until they were caught in a compromising position by the security. And get this, Josh, after they accidentally pulled the emergency alarm in the toilet.

• 50:19Speaker 05

  God, it's too good.

• 50:21Speaker 04

  It all kicked off and half of our party was asked to leave.

• 50:26Speaker 04

  He retired shortly after. And I'm not sure if his wife stayed with him or not.

• 50:31Speaker 05

  Surely not. Is Lou staying with you in that situation, Rob?

• 50:35Speaker 04

  That now, you know, it's too public and too humiliating. I just don't understand. And I think with these things that go on, there must be some sort of deep rooted problem in the relationship where he or she's cheated before or it can't, it's not, he's gone off a little bit on you and she's got the ump, so I'm gonna do this.

• 50:52Speaker 05

  Why not? I'm gonna go to the disabled toilet with an escort who's come with someone else pretending to be his girlfriend and I'm gonna take her up on the offer.

• 51:03Speaker 04

  I mean, are these people, do they just go mental as they get older? Because I'm 40, I don't feel I've got the energy to have sex with anyone in a disabled toilet.

• 51:10Speaker 05

  No.

• 51:10Speaker 04

  I'd just rather go home early.

• 51:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, exactly.

• 51:13Speaker 04

  Um, and he must have had cash on him.

• 51:17Speaker 05

  She might do chip and pin.

• 51:19Speaker 04

  Come on.

• 51:24Speaker 04

  That's why she pulled the alarm, the card got declined. Uh, anyway, we did not have another Christmas party for a few years after that from anon. Oh my God. Imagine being the owner of the company though, like.

• 51:34Speaker 05

  I just say, I love these ones where they put anon, but the story is so specific that anyone who knows that story knows that that.

• 51:43Speaker 04

  Let's do this. If you've heard, if you hear a story in here that you know of, please send in the unanon, unanon it, um, just for us, so we know who it was and where it was.

• 51:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 51:54Speaker 04

  And we may or may not read it out. Uh, Josh, small business.

• 51:56Speaker 05

  Absolutely wild, yeah.

• 51:58Speaker 04

  Hi, Rob and Josh. I would like to give my brother in law's small business a shout out. Located in Dulwich and Croydon Park. He owns and runs two butchers called The Proud Sow. He created the amazing business whilst also raising my fantastic niece and nephew. We love the shop of stories and meat, which is always delicious and cooked to perfection by him. Anyone local, please visit for amazing sausages and other meat. You can find him on Insta at Proud Sow, P R O U D S O W. Thanks for laughing, making me smile almost as much as Ollie's meat.

• 52:29Speaker 05

  Hi, Rob and Josh. Been a listener since the beginning in Covid times and now on maternity leave with my first baby. Somehow the podcast didn't put me off. Hoping for a shout out from my best friend's business. She's a former teacher who has created the Good Life Garden to encourage kids to get outside more, offering stay and play sessions, family gardening club, birthday parties, forest school and gardening in schools and gardening services. She's based in Bedford, can be found on Instagram and Facebook at Good Life Garden Bedford. She's amazing and balancing growing her business with raising her own family. So if you're local, check her out. Thanks, Emily.

• 53:08Speaker 04

  Thank you, Emily. Right, Josh, I'll see you next time, yeah?

• 53:12Speaker 05

  It's more or less that's done, isn't it?

• 53:14Speaker 04

  Oh, what, forever? Bye. It's been a long run, good run. Uh, do you know what, Josh? I love doing this. Thank you for doing it.

• 53:19Speaker 05

  It's a joy.

• 53:21Speaker 04

  Very excited about what we're gonna be up to. And don't worry, it's not gonna be going professional. But she should leave that there as a little tease.

• 53:27Speaker 05

  Oh, I like a little tease.

• 53:29Speaker 04

  But we're gonna be doing something podcast wise, aren't we?

• 53:31Speaker 05

  Let's see. Little bit of a tip, I'm gonna be taking Rob up on the offer.

• 53:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm gonna take him right up the offer.

• 53:38Speaker 05

  Take him right up the offer.

• 53:40Speaker 04

  All right, see you later.

• 53:41Speaker 05

  Bye.

• 53:46Speaker 01

  From the studio that brought you WandaVision.

• 53:48Speaker 02

  I was an Avenger, but I'm not a hero anymore.

• 53:54Speaker 01

  The Vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy.

• 53:58Speaker 02

  That family wasn't real. You sure about that?

• 54:00Speaker 06

  I had a father called Vision. How is this possible?

• 54:05Speaker 01

  Don't miss the two episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest.

• 54:09Speaker 02

  Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy.

• 54:13Speaker 01

  Now streaming only on Disney Plus.

• 54:18Speaker 03

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season, you create it layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.