S13 EP16: I Love Doing The Big Shop

More adventures in parenting (and life) from Rob and Josh... Today we ask the big questions... Are curtains under rated? (YES) Would Josh like to run a small cafe? (NO) And could the guys do nothing with a week off? (MAYBE) If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [email protected] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 2:00Speaker 03

  This episode is presented by TUI.

• 2:02Speaker 04

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• 2:04Speaker 03

  Oh, you've got to love it. Who wouldn't love it, Rob?

• 2:06Speaker 04

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• 2:46Speaker 03

  Atoll and Abta protected.

• 2:51Speaker 04

  Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with...

• 2:53Speaker 05

  Alfie, can you say Rob Beckett?

• 2:56Speaker 06

  Rob Beckett.

• 2:58Speaker 05

  And can you say Josh Widdicombe?

• 3:01Speaker 06

  That's Widdicombe.

• 3:03Speaker 05

  Well done.

• 3:04Speaker 04

  Like it.

• 3:05Speaker 03

  There we go. This is Alfie, 30 months from Northampton, who really lives up to being the wild second child. Me and my sister have been listening since the beginning, so this will be a nice surprise for her to hear her nephew. We came to your O2 show and have seen you both separately. Thank you for making me laugh on my drives to work, Lauren, 388 months.

• 3:25Speaker 04

  Thank you for coming to our shows, Lauren. Without people like you, we wouldn't be doing this, would we, Josh? So thank you very much for listening, supporting us.

• 3:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:33Speaker 04

  Just give it a sense of thanks to our fans, Josh.

• 3:36Speaker 03

  I did a tour show this week.

• 3:37Speaker 04

  Did you?

• 3:38Speaker 03

  I know.

• 3:40Speaker 04

  Why did you say that?

• 3:42Speaker 03

  I did do a tour show this week.

• 3:44Speaker 04

  Where?

• 3:45Speaker 03

  So, do you remember when I was gonna, I think we can say this, I was toying with going to Australia to do gigs?

• 3:52Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 3:53Speaker 03

  Well, that was like pencilled in for September, for late September.

• 3:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 3:59Speaker 03

  So we got in three warm-up dates.

• 4:02Speaker 04

  To get you ready for Australia.

• 4:03Speaker 03

  Put them on sale. They sold out.

• 4:08Speaker 04

  So you're getting warmed up strictly by doing three gigs that make you more tired?

• 4:11Speaker 03

  Now I can't go to Australia because of other work. That's fine because it wasn't on sale, so that's okay.

• 4:16Speaker 04

  You can go to Australia another time, no problem.

• 4:17Speaker 03

  Yeah. But three warm-up dates already sold out, so...

• 4:21Speaker 04

  So what ones have you done?

• 4:23Speaker 03

  I did Exmouth Pavilion on Friday night.

• 4:25Speaker 04

  How was that?

• 4:27Speaker 03

  A fire alarm went off during the second half.

• 4:28Speaker 04

  I mean, that's better in a way because you just want to just be funny on it. You don't have to remember the show anymore, you just be funny for a bit.

• 4:34Speaker 03

  I did a lot of audience stuff, Rob, and it was really funny and it was really fun. And then I said, I've got Barnstable in a few weeks. Is anyone gonna come to that one? And one guy said, well, I might have to because I want to see the show.

• 4:49Speaker 04

  It's a good, it's a fair point.

• 4:51Speaker 03

  I felt, I felt bad.

• 4:53Speaker 04

  Well, you filmed it, it's going on telly, isn't it?

• 4:55Speaker 03

  I said, the beauty of live theatre is that it's different every night.

• 4:59Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 5:00Speaker 03

  It just so happens that there's none of the material.

• 5:03Speaker 04

  Unless I'm in a run of 50 gigs without a day off, and it will probably be exactly the same.

• 5:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 5:11Speaker 04

  When I've forgotten it, it will be different every night.

• 5:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:14Speaker 04

  I think that's when comedians are at their best, though, sometimes like that.

• 5:17Speaker 03

  I do. I totally agree.

• 5:19Speaker 04

  It's a, you're getting a much more unique experience of it. And then, but both good. When you're just slick and into your material and know it, like backing around, it's so good because it's unrelenting. But then I think it's also just as much fun seeing a comedian like be in between that.

• 5:34Speaker 03

  Totally.

• 5:35Speaker 04

  I'm telling myself that because I've got to do a gig next week at the Palladium, and I have not gig for ages.

• 5:40Speaker 03

  Is that the Jack Dee gig?

• 5:41Speaker 04

  Yeah. I can't remember any of my stuff that I did before, really, and I don't really want to do it anymore because I've done so much of it. But I haven't got anything else new.

• 5:50Speaker 03

  Oh, God. You're not going to warm up for 10 minutes at a mixed bill show?

• 5:54Speaker 04

  No, no, I'm not gonna, no, but like I'm saying, I've, I need to...

• 5:56Speaker 03

  That's what I mean, so you can't do anything new, is what I mean. It's not like you go, well, I'll just get 10 minutes together by gigging all week. What, why are you going out, Daddy? Oh, I'm warming up for a show where I'm doing 10 minutes on a mixed bill.

• 6:09Speaker 04

  Can't you just talk at them? Well, yes and no, but no, it needs to look like I'm just talking at them, but actually it takes ages to get to the point where it looks like I'm talking at them. Because if I do just talk at them, it's very apparent I'm just talking at them. It's quite...

• 6:23Speaker 03

  It's quite a difficult job, actually.

• 6:24Speaker 04

  It's real. Stand-up is definitely the hardest job. Out of all of the jobs, I think I've done in entertainment, it's easily the hardest by a country mile.

• 6:34Speaker 03

  Do you think?

• 6:35Speaker 04

  Yeah. But when you...

• 6:36Speaker 03

  It's the only one that, I was gonna say stand-up's the only one who makes me feel worthless because it can go so badly wrong, but then I've had some panel shows like that, Rob.

• 6:44Speaker 04

  Well, no, not worthless, but it's like, if you have a bad one, it's, it's very apparent and horrific. If you, like, for example, I did a quiz show run-through thing for a pilot that went really well and I really enjoyed it, but if you, if I was terrible at that, you can only be so terrible because there's a framework around, all you've got to do is apologise and go, okay, the question is, and just bark it out and then shut up for a minute. Whereas in stand-up, it, if it starts going bad, it's such a domino effect of hell. Because we'll end up just you in front of 2,000 people sat there in silence, you have nothing funny to say.

• 7:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 7:23Speaker 04

  But I think crowd work, look, if I'm doing a bit of crowd work for the next few months as I get bits together, I'm good at crowd work. It's fine. If that was my whole act forever, fair enough.

• 7:32Speaker 03

  It's cheating.

• 7:32Speaker 04

  Criticise me.

• 7:35Speaker 04

  But yeah, so I think it's fine. I'm looking forward to it. It's a great line-up. It's a Jack Dee charity gig.

• 7:40Speaker 03

  He's done 40 years in comedy.

• 7:41Speaker 04

  40 years in comedy, so he's celebrating by doing a big charity gig, raising money for a hospice, I think.

• 7:46Speaker 03

  He loves stand-up.

• 7:48Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:49Speaker 03

  He's just done Edinburgh, a full Edinburgh, and then he's just come off a back tour. His kids have left home and he's gone, let's fucking gig again.

• 7:57Speaker 04

  Well, I think it's the right way around, the Jack Dee model. Because he, he spoke to me about that big gap, didn't he, when they're about our age? But I was thinking about this, like, I love doing stand-up and always want to do it, but like, I'm having a bit of time off in this autumn, I have to be doing something. So I had a mole cut out of my back, right? So I can't exercise for two weeks. I thought the mole would just be like whipped off, wouldn't even notice it. Normal plaster. It's got five stitches.

• 8:23Speaker 03

  Oh, my word.

• 8:24Speaker 04

  It's a lot of stitches.

• 8:25Speaker 03

  So can you not play golf either?

• 8:26Speaker 04

  Can't play golf, can't run, can't do anything that makes you sort of hot and sweaty or moving a bit. It's been a week now, so I've only got another week to go. It probably would be fine, but...

• 8:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, luck for Lou, can't do anything that makes you hot and sweaty.

• 8:40Speaker 04

  Gives her a couple of days off.

• 8:43Speaker 04

  So...

• 8:43Speaker 03

  Catch your breath, love. We'll be back on it in a fortnight.

• 8:48Speaker 04

  Anyway, so I've realised that like I can't just do nothing, you know, like I can't just sit and I have to, like, even if I'm not working.

• 8:56Speaker 03

  You couldn't be Bob Monkhouse going to the Caribbean.

• 8:59Speaker 04

  No, I could, but I'd be playing golf all day at the Caribbean.

• 9:01Speaker 03

  Oh, so but golf is your way to do nothing?

• 9:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, golf or playing football or I have to, if I physically, I need to be run like a dog, so I need to be physically tired. So normally my workload would do that.

• 9:14Speaker 03

  So could, if I'm, I'm gonna give you a week, right?

• 9:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:18Speaker 03

  Could you live like this?

• 9:20Speaker 04

  Go on.

• 9:20Speaker 03

  Monday, Tuesday.

• 9:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:23Speaker 03

  Get up, the kids have left home, yeah?

• 9:26Speaker 04

  Right, so there's no children at all, they're all configured on.

• 9:29Speaker 03

  No children.

• 9:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:29Speaker 03

  Monday, Tuesday, get up, have a coffee.

• 9:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:32Speaker 03

  Amble down to the golf course.

• 9:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:34Speaker 03

  Play around a golf.

• 9:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:37Speaker 03

  Get back, have dinner, look at your phone while the football's on in the background for five days.

• 9:43Speaker 04

  Five days, I think I'd get bored of doing that same thing, but I definitely could do that for three days and then something else in the other two days.

• 9:51Speaker 03

  What's your, what's your something else?

• 9:53Speaker 04

  I play football. If I was a comedian, ideal scenario is Monday, do the podcast of you because I do enjoy it, right?

• 9:59Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 9:59Speaker 04

  Right, say, I've got to do some work. I'm not gonna work like I did before, but say I work Mondays is the football podcast, Parenting Hell podcast, all the, all my admin Monday. Tuesday, football, comedians' football. Then Wednesday, golf. Thursday, I go for a run.

• 10:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:18Speaker 04

  Maybe have a bit of a chill, sort out the house day.

• 10:20Speaker 03

  That can't fail you, that can't fail your day.

• 10:23Speaker 04

  Friday, golf again.

• 10:26Speaker 03

  Your Thursday is go for a run.

• 10:28Speaker 04

  And then I've got Saturday and Sunday to fill, fucking it.

• 10:31Speaker 03

  What do these people do? But me a tour, but me a tour.

• 10:37Speaker 04

  Well, no, I think I probably would go and do a couple of gigs. I would, I like enjoy gigging. I would put in a perfect week, this sounds a bit sad, I would put in maybe on that Thursday night, I'd go out and do some gigs.

• 10:48Speaker 03

  Rob Beckett's perfect week?

• 10:50Speaker 04

  Yeah. So Thursday, I'd do the run in the morning, then come home and sort of chill for a bit, and then that night have a couple of gigs booked in.

• 10:56Speaker 03

  Couple of, couple of gigs?

• 10:58Speaker 04

  Yeah, little 10-minute gigs. I wouldn't go and up to all the way up to central London for one 10-minute. I'd do like maybe a couple of 20-minute gigs, two clubs, one at eight o'clock, one at half nine.

• 11:07Speaker 03

  And what are you doing in your evenings?

• 11:09Speaker 04

  The other evenings? Cooking for my beloved wife, Lou. I mean, the thing is, I do think Lou gets a bit bored of me interrupting her, watching her programmes because I talk a lot. My perfect week may impact Lou's perfect week.

• 11:24Speaker 03

  Do you think there's a chance you're gonna be in your, in 10 years' time?

• 11:29Speaker 04

  Go on.

• 11:29Speaker 03

  You're gonna be sat in separate sitting rooms, watching different programmes?

• 11:32Speaker 04

  10 years' time?

• 11:35Speaker 04

  That's my current situation.

• 11:37Speaker 03

  It's it.

• 11:39Speaker 04

  Not always, but a lot, yeah. Well, I don't wanna watch Real Housewives and she doesn't wanna watch the football. But we do come together for series and then it's every night. So we'll bang through a series every night. Like when we watched Rivals, we did that every night for two weeks, whenever we could, depending on kids' bedtime and stuff. And then if something else comes back, we watched a documentary called Murder in Monaco the other night, that was good.

• 12:01Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 12:01Speaker 04

  About that, um.

• 12:03Speaker 03

  Murder in Monaco?

• 12:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, the guy in 1999, billionaire, got killed.

• 12:07Speaker 03

  Oh, I'd quite enjoy that.

• 12:08Speaker 04

  It's really good, actually.

• 12:10Speaker 03

  You've gotta watch the bus, Rob.

• 12:11Speaker 04

  It's in French, though, isn't it?

• 12:13Speaker 03

  They've dubbed it.

• 12:14Speaker 04

  Have they?

• 12:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 12:16Speaker 04

  I can't listen to Didier Deschamps with a dubbing.

• 12:19Speaker 03

  It's Patrick Sevra, Raymond Dominic.

• 12:22Speaker 04

  Was it? Oh, it was that era?

• 12:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, Bakary Sanga, who doesn't look like that, like you imagine.

• 12:28Speaker 04

  He's changed his look.

• 12:29Speaker 03

  Well, he's just, I didn't recognise him for ages.

• 12:32Speaker 04

  Let's save that for the football one.

• 12:33Speaker 03

  Michael, could you retire?

• 12:35Speaker 07

  No, I couldn't do Days of Nothing, but I could happily just play poker, go to the cinema and watch football for the rest of my life on repeat.

• 12:41Speaker 04

  But will you get bored of that at a certain point? Or I think, I think if you've got enough on.

• 12:45Speaker 07

  Absolutely not.

• 12:49Speaker 04

  But you, you need to have.

• 12:50Speaker 07

  And I would get back into computer games.

• 12:52Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 12:54Speaker 07

  Maybe once a year, I'd make a little, I'd make a little podcast.

• 12:57Speaker 03

  Oh, there we go.

• 12:58Speaker 04

  The making of drawers. There he goes, there he goes, little five parters. You've got to do something.

• 13:04Speaker 07

  But that's not a job.

• 13:05Speaker 03

  No, but you've gotta do something creative with your mind.

• 13:08Speaker 04

  Yeah. And like you say, these are, these, all the jobs we do, really, we're very lucky, are fun jobs. The problem is, we say yes to too many fun jobs and we're burning the candle at both ends and we're too tired to appreciate them and enjoy them. That's our problem. As opposed to, we're not, you know, we're not mining, we're not coal mining here, but I'd have to, I couldn't just not do anything, whatever my job was in the main. I'd have to do something.

• 13:31Speaker 03

  You'd have to do something, Rob, you'd have to do something.

• 13:34Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 13:34Speaker 03

  So what was the next thing we're gonna talk about?

• 13:36Speaker 04

  I can't remember. We got, hang on, we got loads of messages here. Series 13, episode 12, we rang the lady called Camilla who left her mobile on the Kids' Voice intro. She was in, in the parlour milking cows, in brackets, not so posh. Finally got round to listening to the voicemail from two sexually relatable comedians after putting my daughter to bed and ran down and said, with such excitement, to tell my husband, I almost woke my daughter up. So she was milking a cow, Camilla, when you rang her?

• 14:02Speaker 03

  Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Camilla.

• 14:05Speaker 04

  I'd definitely, if I was milking cows, I'd definitely have me phone with me with a podcast on. You don't wanna listen to that squelching, do you?

• 14:11Speaker 03

  Have you heard, Rob, the clip?

• 14:13Speaker 04

  A cow being milked? No.

• 14:14Speaker 03

  No, it's a funny clip. It is a funny, the radio fail.

• 14:18Speaker 04

  The radio fail?

• 14:19Speaker 03

  It's an inappropriate joke, Rob, but I think we can enjoy it.

• 14:22Speaker 04

  Go on.

• 14:23Speaker 03

  When Jeremy Vine reads out the text.

• 14:26Speaker 04

  Okay, so this is, is this, our new feature is showing Josh the World Wide Web. Now is Josh showing Rob the World Wide Web?

• 14:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm into radio fails. Do you not like radio fails?

• 14:36Speaker 04

  Um, not really. No, I've not seen it. Is it like an Instagram page?

• 14:41Speaker 03

  Have you not heard the Colin Murray radio fail?

• 14:43Speaker 04

  No.

• 14:44Speaker 03

  This is amazing, Rob. This is so good. Oh, Rob, have you not heard this?

• 14:49Speaker 04

  No.

• 14:51Speaker 03

  You've gotta wait to the end.

• 14:54Speaker 06

  That track makes me feel like I'm standing in my local park in Donald, about to open my first can of cheap beer and try and touch the boob of the 14-year-old girl that lives next door to me. When you were 14? When I was 14.

• 15:08Speaker 06

  Obviously.

• 15:09Speaker 04

  Bob's saying, come, make one, he too. Let's get your latest news at half two, we're here, um, we're Kevin, so we're ten. Prison for the man who used drugs to try and have sex with a 12-year-old.

• 15:22Speaker 04

  There's no one, please, please, I'm Peter Fowles.

• 15:31Speaker 04

  I mean, the, the whole bit he did there was weird.

• 15:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:37Speaker 04

  He just got on a roll and just, that's the problem. If you're on radio too much and get comfortable, you'll just like try anything and forget that it's there forever.

• 15:43Speaker 03

  I'll show you another radio fail next time.

• 15:45Speaker 04

  So I do the World Wide Web, you do Ralph, radio fails.

• 15:48Speaker 03

  Have you, have you ever heard the Jodie Kidd radio fail?

• 15:50Speaker 04

  No. I didn't know you had such a niche, niche intro. What, what, how are you accessing them so quickly?

• 15:57Speaker 03

  Here we go. This is good. I love it.

• 15:59Speaker 05

  There's some bright and sunny spells today. Top temperatures of four degrees around Covent Garden. It's zero. I'm Claire Miller, it's 6:03.

• 16:13Speaker 06

  Johnny Vaughan and Jodie Kidd.

• 16:18Speaker 06

  Good fuck off.

• 16:24Speaker 03

  You hear that?

• 16:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, she just went, oh, fuck off.

• 16:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's great. I love him.

• 16:29Speaker 04

  Why did that? Do you know why that happened?

• 16:31Speaker 03

  Well, she pressed the wrong button or something, didn't she?

• 16:33Speaker 04

  Was she presenting?

• 16:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:35Speaker 04

  Johnny Vaughan and Jodie Kidd?

• 16:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 16:38Speaker 04

  What, is she a model?

• 16:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, she was a model.

• 16:41Speaker 04

  Did you go out with Jamie Cullum?

• 16:42Speaker 03

  No, that's Sophie Dahl.

• 16:44Speaker 04

  Roald Dahl's daughter?

• 16:46Speaker 03

  Uh, granddaughter.

• 16:47Speaker 04

  Granddaughter. She never gets in a nepo baby smoke, does she?

• 16:53Speaker 03

  Doesn't.

• 16:54Speaker 04

  She sidestep that?

• 16:56Speaker 03

  Who's your favourite nepo baby?

• 16:58Speaker 04

  I quite, you know, Ricardo, do you know? I mean, I'd be hard pushed to be able to judge any of their output.

• 17:07Speaker 04

  Do you know what I mean? Like, I've not tried Brooklyn Beckham's hot sauce. I've not listened to much of Cruz Beckham.

• 17:13Speaker 03

  You know when celebrities, really famous people get married?

• 17:16Speaker 04

  Well.

• 17:17Speaker 03

  It rarely works.

• 17:18Speaker 04

  They must have some dollar. She was, you know, Cullum's earned a couple of quid, living off the old Roald Dahl money. Do you know what I mean? Willy Wonka's still bashing out. Do you know what I mean? People grafting on that. She's having a little bit of a tickle from that. Is she safe?

• 17:30Speaker 03

  I think she's probably got good money of her own, right, as well.

• 17:32Speaker 04

  Absolutely, but you're not gonna say no to a bit of little Willy Wonka spare change, are you?

• 17:37Speaker 03

  Exactly, exactly, Rob. No, but you know when really famous people get married? Like Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce.

• 17:44Speaker 04

  Yeah. Kelsey? Is it Kelsey?

• 17:46Speaker 03

  Kelsey, sorry. It's so rare that they're still together 40 years later, isn't it? I can barely name anyone, a celebrity couple that's lasted.

• 17:54Speaker 04

  A celebrity couple, so Jay-Z and Beyonce?

• 17:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, and I suppose the Beckhams.

• 17:59Speaker 04

  The Beckhams?

• 18:01Speaker 03

  But then the Beckhams have still got kids in school.

• 18:03Speaker 04

  Jules and Jamie Oliver.

• 18:04Speaker 03

  Jules and Jamie Oliver? That's a nice one.

• 18:07Speaker 04

  Jules and Jamie Oliver.

• 18:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:09Speaker 04

  They seem like a nice couple, don't they?

• 18:11Speaker 03

  They do, don't they? I like Jamie Oliver.

• 18:14Speaker 04

  I think if you went round their house for dinner, it'll be a right laugh. If I went round the Beckhams for dinner, I'd be a bit like, what's going on here? I might look like, what's gonna, have I gotta awkwardly stand with David as he cooks one mushroom in his weird tent? Or am I having a glass of wine with Victoria? What, what, what, I imagine it's like, it's a little bit more all in one room at the Olivers.

• 18:37Speaker 03

  Oh, wait a minute, I'm taking a photo of the family for Instagram. That's why I'm here.

• 18:41Speaker 04

  That kind of stuff. And, you know, and then something will be like, one of them might go like, oh, it's so great to have all my family around me. And I'm like, oh, hold up, where's Brooklyn? But I don't wanna say that out loud. Do you know what I mean?

• 18:51Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:52Speaker 04

  But look, let's do this. If Jamie, Jules, Victoria, David, you would like to invite us both round for dinner separately, and then we can report back and review.

• 19:00Speaker 03

  Do you know what? A celebrity come dine with me, where you're in the same week as the Beckhams and the Olivers, and Jay-Z and Beyonce.

• 19:08Speaker 04

  And then you and, you and Rose.

• 19:10Speaker 03

  And then Rose.

• 19:11Speaker 04

  I'd be so stressed about having all them come round for dinner.

• 19:15Speaker 04

  Wouldn't you? What are you cooking? Right, you've got Jay-Z, Beyonce, Jules and Jamie Oliver. I'm definitely, I haven't got any of that. Have I got Jamie? I don't know. But I would get their numbers and I would privately message Jamie Oliver to sort of have someone on side early doors.

• 19:28Speaker 03

  I, I would. Do you know what I'd do? I'd get Jamie Oliver.

• 19:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 19:34Speaker 03

  I'd, I'd cook something from one of his cookbooks.

• 19:36Speaker 04

  Oh, I don't know. Feels a bit, and then we'd have Jay-Z's music on, would you? And Rose would be in one of Victoria's dresses.

• 19:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. I know, I'd, um, I'd be wearing David Beckham's police sunglasses. He's with police, isn't he?

• 19:50Speaker 04

  With his espresso machine.

• 19:52Speaker 03

  With his espresso machine. Who wants an espresso for the end of the evening?

• 19:57Speaker 04

  Anyone want some hot sauce? Don't worry, we've got Franks.

• 20:01Speaker 04

  Now, Robin the Cloud 23, named after your dad's number when he played football, even though he's done nothing for you, apparently. You know, I said I'd bogged down into this. Because they're real people, real lives. Shame, really, isn't it?

• 20:12Speaker 03

  Exactly, yeah.

• 20:14Speaker 04

  Are you, are you estranged, listeners, from your parents? Tell us why.

• 20:20Speaker 04

  Tell us if you're estranged from your parents and tell us why, if you regret it, but you're too embarrassed to solve it and go back to them. That'd be a good one, and then we can try and assist.

• 20:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, talk of emails.

• 20:30Speaker 04

  Talk of emails. Oh, temporary, permanent. Um, I spoke about the cardboard thing we've had in the scare, Miss Bears, stopping the dogs. Hi, Rob and Josh. I'm listening to the episode where Rob introduces the temporary but permanent feature and I finally have something to contribute. We moved into our new house two years ago. The week we moved in, I bought some curtains from the charity shop for 50p as a stopgap. We moved in August and I was tired of being woken up at 4am by the sun. The curtains are so very ugly, they don't fit our windows. I have to put a hair clip in the middle so that they join, otherwise there's a huge gap and they're so thin, they let all the light through anyway. Our second daughter was born three weeks later, so measuring the window, ordering the material, making the curtains is so low on my priority list, I reckon it'll be at least another year before I replace them.

• 21:15Speaker 03

  We had a similar, Rob. When we moved to our place.

• 21:20Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 21:21Speaker 03

  Uh, when we moved to our place, um, the first house we moved into, the first house we bought, after we'd been renting in a shop. Back off Columbia Road.

• 21:34Speaker 04

  You rented in a shop?

• 21:36Speaker 03

  Well, like an old shop. We rented an old shop in Highbury.

• 21:40Speaker 04

  They turned it into a flat?

• 21:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:42Speaker 03

  We had a suction blackout blind that you'd buy for children on our windows, on our bedroom window. So you know those suction things that never stick for very long? We'd have to suction it up every night. I wish.

• 22:01Speaker 03

  Am I right? Come on. It's good humour.

• 22:05Speaker 04

  Even I wouldn't have every night in a perfect week.

• 22:09Speaker 03

  It didn't come up once in your perfect week.

• 22:15Speaker 03

  Too busy going for a run, doing two 10 minute gigs.

• 22:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, and it was a living hell. It was, living without curtains is so much worse than you think it's gonna be.

• 22:26Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, you go, well, we'll sort them out. No, you're, in the summer especially, you sort them out now.

• 22:30Speaker 03

  You don't realise how important curtains are until you don't have them.

• 22:34Speaker 04

  And what a great quote for this podcast. That's the clip I think people will send to their mates to make them listen.

• 22:42Speaker 04

  Oh, it's so good, it's so funny, listen to this. I don't think people realise how important curtains are.

• 22:49Speaker 04

  And do you know what? You're right. The sad thing is, you're fucking right. But, you know, is it, is it cool or popular to be right anymore?

• 22:56Speaker 03

  No, curtains is another one. Do not get the credit they deserved.

• 23:00Speaker 04

  They don't.

• 23:01Speaker 03

  They don't.

• 23:01Speaker 04

  They do not got the credit they deserve. Do you want another temporary permanent?

• 23:04Speaker 03

  It is a little fun, it is a little joke for you, Rob.

• 23:06Speaker 04

  Oh, go on, yeah, to liven it up, go on.

• 23:08Speaker 03

  If you, if you don't think curtains are important, pull yourself together.

• 23:12Speaker 04

  Oh, that's nice.

• 23:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, like that?

• 23:14Speaker 04

  There you go. Yeah, it's good.

• 23:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 23:17Speaker 04

  Solid.

• 23:21Speaker 02

  Did you know that psoriatic arthritis may progress over time and could cause permanent joint damage if left untreated?

• 23:32Speaker 02

  Listen to what it sounds like to be a million miles away.

• 23:40Speaker 02

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• 24:05Speaker 02

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• 24:21Speaker 02

  The award-winning series The Diplomat is back for its fourth season. Now streaming only on Netflix, Keri Russell stars as Kate Wyler. In a stunning realisation, Kate connects the dots that Russia's most powerful weapon is missing, and her husband Hal conspired with President Grace Penn in a dangerous plan to steal it, all behind her back. Kate is left reeling as she begins to question Hal's growing relationship with President Penn. Emmy winner Alison Janney returns with Rufus Sewell and Bradley Whitford. Watch The Diplomat, now playing only on Netflix.

• 24:53Speaker 00

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season, you create it layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 25:24Speaker 04

  Hi, my temporary permanent is a piece of blue tack shoved over a tiny hole under my bedroom window seal. We're in a bungalow. One hot evening last summer, I saw a trail of ants scurrying in through the hole and thought, blue tack would be a quick fix. Alas, this summer it is still there and we've had no more ants coming in from the lavender border below the window. Don't fix what ain't broke. Beck from Sittingbourne, now Dorset. 1,828 weeks old and 41 weeks pregnant.

• 25:52Speaker 03

  Oh, 41?

• 25:54Speaker 04

  Fucking weeks, she's written.

• 25:55Speaker 03

  You're not changing it. That blue tack's there for another year if she's about to give birth.

• 25:59Speaker 04

  Put the blue tack somewhere else. You sure you've not,

• 26:02Speaker 04

  you sure you don't cover your own, your own one up?

• 26:10Speaker 04

  You'd pay extra for the white tack down there, wouldn't you, potentially?

• 26:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:14Speaker 04

  Obviously depending on race.

• 26:17Speaker 04

  If you're a smurf, go for the good stuff.

• 26:19Speaker 03

  Go for the good stuff. I like blue tack. Good brand if they want to sponsor on us. They really have got that, they've got the tack market sewn up, haven't they, blue tack?

• 26:29Speaker 04

  Ah, do you know what? Sticky tack, blue tack. No one's even tried to take them on, have they?

• 26:35Speaker 03

  They've absolutely got it.

• 26:37Speaker 04

  Hasn't anyone else had it? I would have a look for competitors to blue tack, because I've never even thought or seen another option. You've got blue tack, yeah, there, bang.

• 26:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 26:45Speaker 04

  White tough tack. So tough tack's the non-branded one.

• 26:49Speaker 03

  I don't want it white, though, because then it shows the dirt when you're rolling it in your fingers.

• 26:53Speaker 04

  Strong tough tack, but they can't say it's blue because that's a registered name.

• 26:56Speaker 03

  This is the worst three minutes we've ever done.

• 26:59Speaker 04

  So you can get pink tough tack, but you can't get blue tack.

• 27:01Speaker 03

  Curtains are underrated to this has been utterly unacceptable.

• 27:06Speaker 04

  I've seen some of the other stuff out there.

• 27:10Speaker 04

  Oh, what do you want me to do? Talk about how I've fucking, optimised my life, then fucking cry about something that happened to me when I was 15? Fucking hell. Do you want a deep dive? Oh, god, what makes you motivated? Fuck, I don't fucking know. All right?

• 27:26Speaker 03

  Do you know what? I was, I was watching an interview with Michael Owen, this isn't about football. The Jake Humphrey interview with Michael Owen, right?

• 27:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:33Speaker 03

  The clip came up on my thing. They do this thing, what are your three non-negotiables? I don't think I've got any.

• 27:41Speaker 04

  Well, having a shit and a piss and going to sleep. That cannot change. That has to happen. Everything else is negotiable.

• 27:52Speaker 04

  Do you know what I mean? Every morning I wake up, right, and do 20 press ups. All right, I'll give you a million pound not to do it this morning. No, it's non-negotiable. I bet it fucking would be negotiable, mate, you little rat.

• 28:05Speaker 04

  Every morning I wake up, three things I'm thankful for. Oh, no, you don't.

• 28:09Speaker 03

  No.

• 28:10Speaker 04

  Not every morning. Or you'll rush them out and not really think about it, just to say you've done it.

• 28:15Speaker 03

  Yeah. Oh, you've gone for the sun again, have you? Well done.

• 28:17Speaker 04

  Well, after a week, I've written down, oh, fucking, journaling.

• 28:23Speaker 04

  Can you think of anything more boring than journaling?

• 28:25Speaker 03

  How much time have you got that you start the day by journaling? I've got nothing to say.

• 28:33Speaker 04

  We managed to do this.

• 28:35Speaker 03

  I know.

• 28:37Speaker 04

  But we've been funny, we're messing about. I'm not journaling, it's all, it's all so wholesome and so, and I'm sick of this, you only get so many. You fall for this trap. So many summers of your cute 18 years.

• 28:48Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 28:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, accept it and then enjoy them as an adult. Stop journaling. Enjoy them as an adult, because you can't, stop pining and fucking whinging over something that is unstoppable. Accept the fact they're growing up, accept the fact they won't all be a little baby, and forget that and enjoy what they are now, which is an adult with their own ideas, own views, and they're fun to hang out with. Stop fucking whinging about the past.

• 29:13Speaker 03

  How's it going, Lou?

• 29:14Speaker 04

  You can get purple tack at all.

• 29:24Speaker 04

  Right, do another email?

• 29:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 29:26Speaker 04

  Right, here we go.

• 29:27Speaker 03

  Okay, shall I do an email?

• 29:29Speaker 04

  Come on, give me something. What you got?

• 29:31Speaker 03

  Niche interests your kids are into. Highly sexually relatable pair, just writing to tell you about a phase my nephew Jack was into for a while when he was younger. He was absolutely obsessed with washing machines. He would beg my brother and sister-in-law, Laura, to take him to Curry's on a weekend to go and check out the latest machines they had on display. He'd sit and watch the washing machine go round and around at home for hours. Was eventually brought a kid's toy washing machine that actually spins around when you put small items inside. And one year his mum even baked him an incredible birthday cake that was a washing machine made of icing and sponge.

• 30:06Speaker 04

  That's, that's nice. Embrace, embrace the niche.

• 30:09Speaker 03

  He eventually discovered football and grew out of it, replacing his obsession with Arsenal instead.

• 30:14Speaker 04

  But then there must be something in him that loves it still, but he maybe doesn't want to admit it because he's older now.

• 30:19Speaker 03

  My sister-in-law Laura is also an avid fan of the pod, so hopefully this gets read out as a lovely surprise for her when she's listening next. Cheers, Barney.

• 30:28Speaker 04

  Go on, Barney. Well, talking of blue tack, I bet there'll be someone who's obsessed with blue tack out there.

• 30:33Speaker 03

  Ah, do you know anyone who's obsessed with blue tack?

• 30:38Speaker 04

  Right, what do you want to hear? We've got.

• 30:39Speaker 03

  Oh, can I just do this one as well, Rob, on the same topic? My four-year-old was fixated on Del Boy for months. We managed to source a sheepskin jacket, flat cap, gold chain and briefcase, which he insisted on filling with my old costume jewellery. He would talk about the characters non-stop and sang both the theme songs, word for word. His nursery teacher was in hysterics when he showed up as Del Boy for World Book Day. Love the pod, Bethan Doncaster.

• 31:04Speaker 04

  I mean, World Book Days, they're really stretching it, aren't they?

• 31:07Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. I fucking love Del Boy, though.

• 31:10Speaker 04

  Oh, I do too, and it's more fun to dress your kid up, had it, but what's, you know, it's basically, it should be just called Fantasy Dress Day.

• 31:17Speaker 03

  Exactly, because everything's a book these days.

• 31:19Speaker 04

  Well, exactly, you can just pretend, everyone just wear your football kit and say it was just an autobiography or something.

• 31:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 31:25Speaker 04

  I love Del Boy, great character.

• 31:26Speaker 03

  Oh, man, I love Only Fools and Horses. The last Only Fools and Horses, not the last ones after the, you know, the proper end one before they brought it back?

• 31:34Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 31:35Speaker 03

  Oh, man, so good.

• 31:38Speaker 04

  Well, they brought it back, they won the lottery, hadn't they? Was that the one they brought back?

• 31:41Speaker 03

  They won the lottery, that was the fine, no, no, they didn't win the lottery, they, they had a priceless watch that they sold it.

• 31:47Speaker 04

  It should have ended there, shouldn't it?

• 31:48Speaker 03

  Should have ended there, oh.

• 31:49Speaker 04

  I like the Miami one.

• 31:51Speaker 03

  Oh, the Miami one, so good.

• 31:53Speaker 04

  Stuck on a jet ski.

• 31:55Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 31:56Speaker 04

  Hot down somewhere in the city, back in my, that song, I still remember seeing that. It just felt so exciting to be in America. I think that's probably where I got my excitement for America, that scene, they go there and it's like a high shot of like the freeways.

• 32:10Speaker 03

  It was like shot like a film, that Miami one. I don't think it even had a laughter track. I think it was like an hour and a half Only Fools and Horses movie, basically, where they go and they go to Miami.

• 32:21Speaker 04

  Miami twice, wasn't it?

• 32:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, and Del Boy looks exactly like the mafia boss and they're trying to kill him so that it looks like the mafia boss has been killed.

• 32:29Speaker 04

  It's such a great, it's such a great idea for a thing, isn't it? But that's, that song now, it's an hour and 24 minutes, yeah, it's basically a film.

• 32:37Speaker 03

  Oh, man, I'm gonna watch that.

• 32:39Speaker 04

  Mafia, Don Vincenzo, so he, he plays the mafia, him in that track, too.

• 32:45Speaker 03

  He plays both.

• 32:47Speaker 04

  Oh, I love Miami twice.

• 32:49Speaker 03

  Oh, I love Only Fools and Horses.

• 32:51Speaker 04

  Oh, right, do you want university fails? I've got a couple of them. I haven't done one for ages. Hi, guys, hearing you ask for starting uni fails this morning reminded me of something funny I saw back in 1996 in my first few weeks of uni. All students had to register with the GP practice over the road from our halls of residence. So I was dutifully sat waiting for my appointment after handing in my completed health questionnaire and urine sample pot. While there, I noticed another student from my halls come and do the same, and the receptionist asked for his questionnaire and sample. I kid you not, this student handed over his questionnaire.

• 33:23Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 33:25Speaker 04

  And a two litre coke bowl filled with his own piss.

• 33:39Speaker 04

  The receptionist's face was a picture. I couldn't help but wonder whether that was all one massive piss, or he'd been filling it up in stages till it got to the top.

• 33:50Speaker 04

  Shiona from Warwick.

• 33:53Speaker 03

  Oh, that's a bit of fun.

• 33:54Speaker 04

  That's so much liquid.

• 33:56Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 33:58Speaker 04

  This is quite fun. Do another one.

• 34:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:00Speaker 04

  I have a uni story for you that I think will top Josh's rotten potatoes. In the, in between the first and second year of uni, me and my partner at the time had to pack all our own stuff from halls, carry it back to the parents' house, so we could then move into the house, be renting for the next two years after the summer break. Fast forward three months of summer, and I'm around here helping go through the boxes, decide what needs to come with us, and if anything can be left behind. Lots of boxes had to be stored down the garage and hadn't been looked at since we moved out. I will never forget the smell.

• 34:29Speaker 03

  Oh no.

• 34:29Speaker 04

  The worst smell I have ever smelled in my life.

• 34:32Speaker 03

  Oh no.

• 34:33Speaker 04

  A packet of bacon had been wrapped away with the kitchen pots and pans.

• 34:38Speaker 03

  Oh god.

• 34:38Speaker 04

  I'm grateful I wasn't the one who discovered it, so I never had to see the black sludge that was once bacon.

• 34:44Speaker 03

  Oh fuck.

• 34:45Speaker 04

  Everything in the box had to be, everything in the box had to be thrown away, as even after going through the dishwasher, the smell still lingered.

• 34:53Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 34:54Speaker 04

  We are now, we are now both vegan. Not a direct result of the revolting bacon incident, but we certainly didn't help. Thanks to the pod. Love, Larissa from Portsmouth. I think fridges are better now, by the way.

• 35:05Speaker 03

  Do you?

• 35:05Speaker 04

  How cold is a supermarket? Jesus Christ. God, I'd take a jumper to go in there.

• 35:10Speaker 03

  When I take my kids to the supermarket.

• 35:12Speaker 04

  In the summer, and they're in a little dress.

• 35:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:15Speaker 04

  They're like, why are we here? Why are you doing this to me? It's too cold.

• 35:21Speaker 03

  I fucking love doing the big shop, Rob.

• 35:23Speaker 04

  Lu, Lu hates it. I don't mind it. Lu can't, Lu has to do it online. She can't go into supermarkets. She gets overwhelmed with choice.

• 35:29Speaker 03

  I find it nostalgic, like most things. Um, I feel like, I feel attached to doing the big shop. It feels like I'm stepping back in time. Do you know, you know when you do something with your kids and you're like, oh, this feels like my parents did this with me and now I'm doing it with my kids?

• 35:45Speaker 04

  Well, I think if you are in the, in the shop, in the big shop, you actually, you've got spare time, that means now. Cause if you're busy, you may as well just do it online in 20 minutes.

• 35:54Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 35:55Speaker 04

  You know what I mean? Rather than driving somewhere, parking, remembering you forgot the bags, spending another tenner on bags because you forgot no bags.

• 36:01Speaker 03

  Oh god.

• 36:02Speaker 04

  And it's a little bit of a ball, so I think it is a bit like, if you've got time to do the big shop, you've got quite a lot of spare time that week.

• 36:07Speaker 03

  The, and I like, I like the supermarket cafes as well.

• 36:12Speaker 04

  Why?

• 36:13Speaker 03

  Have we not discussed this before, my love of supermarket and department store cafes?

• 36:17Speaker 04

  No, I don't think so. I, I'm not, I'm not sure.

• 36:20Speaker 03

  Have we discussed this, Michael?

• 36:21Speaker 07

  Not, not from memory, but if you start telling it, I'll know.

• 36:24Speaker 03

  It's not an anecdote, it's just, I love, because.

• 36:27Speaker 04

  It's never stopped us before.

• 36:28Speaker 03

  They're stuck in time, because they're, they're like, they're, everyone in a supermarket or department store cafe is 80.

• 36:35Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 36:36Speaker 03

  And they, and they're like cafes from when I was a kid. They're, they're just like, they're like, they, they, they haven't moved on with coffee, they haven't embraced anything new. They're just people queuing up for a slice of carrot cake and like, a Nescafe. And the other option's like a sandwich. And it's just, it's just like a place, it's just a step back in time. They're the, they're the last remaining cafes from the 90s.

• 37:01Speaker 04

  Well, it's old people and people with young kids that try, like, because there's normally good toilets near like a Marks and Spencer's cafe.

• 37:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:08Speaker 04

  That you could do in mid-shop.

• 37:10Speaker 03

  Exactly. The thought of like going to the third floor of a John Lewis to go to the cafe.

• 37:16Speaker 04

  What's your perfect sandwich? It's ham and butter, isn't it? Or cheese and butter?

• 37:20Speaker 03

  Sorry?

• 37:21Speaker 04

  Your perfect sandwich, is it?

• 37:22Speaker 03

  No. My perfect sandwich?

• 37:25Speaker 04

  In one of those, if you go there, or I'm gonna get a big milky.

• 37:29Speaker 03

  Cheese and coleslaw.

• 37:31Speaker 04

  Cheese and coleslaw?

• 37:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 37:33Speaker 04

  And a slice of cake? Would you get a slice of cake?

• 37:36Speaker 03

  I'll have a slice of cheesecake, please. And I'll have a tea.

• 37:42Speaker 04

  You'd love that.

• 37:43Speaker 03

  I don't eat enough sandwiches. Sandwiches have gone out of fashion. I don't like it.

• 37:47Speaker 04

  People should eat more sandwiches.

• 37:49Speaker 03

  I think, I think they're underrated.

• 37:51Speaker 04

  Cheese and coleslaw?

• 37:52Speaker 03

  Cheese and coleslaw sandwich, yes, please. Oh, I'd love one of them now.

• 37:56Speaker 04

  Why don't you open a caf? A little Josh Willington caf? Retro caf?

• 38:00Speaker 03

  Because it would be an insane decision.

• 38:02Speaker 04

  No, but you, the new, the new demographic, unstrictly, they'd be all over your cafe. They'd love your cafe.

• 38:08Speaker 03

  I don't want to have to think about business rates. I always think like, oh, maybe I'll just go somewhere and open a little business. And then I think, it's much more stressful than it looks, isn't it?

• 38:19Speaker 04

  Yes, massively so. I think that's the problem. Everyone goes, I'll just, a pub. People always want a pub, don't they? Or a restaurant, or a bar, or a cafe, but it's, like, you're just stood in the kitchen, trying to work out when to order the cheese.

• 38:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 38:32Speaker 04

  All the cheese is outdated, Josh, you're on the phone going, fuck so.

• 38:34Speaker 03

  My staff members claiming they've got headaches, so they can't come in. So suddenly I'm understaffed and duh, duh, duh. And business rates have gone up. And oh my god. And now I'm paying rent and the landlord's putting that up. And oh no, another cafe's opened up next door. And this is too much.

• 38:52Speaker 04

  You're, I tell you, the best person I've ever known to find everything that could go wrong with a situation so quickly.

• 39:00Speaker 04

  The way you formulate that list was, if you asked AI to list all the problems of a cafe, it couldn't have done it quicker.

• 39:08Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 39:09Speaker 04

  You nailed it.

• 39:09Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. Now I've failed my hygiene rating.

• 39:17Speaker 02

  The award-winning series The Diplomat is back for its fourth season. Now streaming only on Netflix. Keri Russell stars as Kate Wyler. In a stunning realisation, Kate connects the dots that Russia's most powerful weapon is missing, and her husband Hal conspired with President Grace Penn in a dangerous plan to steal it, all behind her back. Kate is left reeling as she begins to question Hal's growing relationship with President Penn. Emmy winner Allison Janney returns with Rufus Sewell and Bradley Whitford. Watch The Diplomat, now playing only on Netflix.

• 39:49Speaker 02

  Fall never arrives all at once. First the air, then the light. And slowly, the things you love begin to find each other. A jacket meets a dress, a hoodie slips beneath

• 40:00Speaker 04

  a blazer, an old cap finds a new scarf. Because you don't simply step into the season, you create it layer by layer, until it finally feels like fall. Find fall your way at Ross.

• 40:20Speaker 04

  Do you want a, uh, what's your, do you want a food confession? Or a?

• 40:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'll have a food confession.

• 40:26Speaker 04

  Let's have a food confession. Hi, Rob, Josh and Michael. I'm currently on holiday in Cornwall, and was chatting about weird food habits with my three kids and their boyfriends. When my husband admitted that he used to have a weird food habit, here goes. He told us he used to get a hula hoop, chew it up, then roll it in a ball and put it into the hole of the next hula hoop and then eat it.

• 40:48Speaker 03

  Oh no, thank you. No, thank you.

• 40:51Speaker 04

  Not for me, that. I can never unhear that. Luckily, in the last 19 years, I've never witnessed him do it. Keep doing what you're doing, say, section relatable April from Barry St Edmunds. Well, I, I've done that once.

• 41:03Speaker 03

  Have you?

• 41:03Speaker 04

  But not eaten it. There was a competition, I remember, when I'd, hula hoop had put like, a, a hula hoop with no hole in a bag. And if you had that bag, you won money.

• 41:16Speaker 03

  Ah.

• 41:17Speaker 04

  So me and my brother.

• 41:18Speaker 03

  That's a clever promo.

• 41:19Speaker 04

  What me and my brother did was, I chewed it. I don't know if we did it together, and, and I put it back in and put it in the freezer.

• 41:25Speaker 03

  Oh my word.

• 41:26Speaker 04

  To like, harden it all up. And then that, I was gonna try and send it in to try and claim the money.

• 41:31Speaker 03

  Yeah. Did that work?

• 41:32Speaker 04

  I didn't send it in, I was about nine. I think it's probably still in my mum's freezer at our old house.

• 41:40Speaker 04

  Look out for that in there.

• 41:42Speaker 03

  Do you remember when polos started selling the holes?

• 41:46Speaker 04

  No.

• 41:47Speaker 03

  You must remember that.

• 41:48Speaker 04

  Polo holes?

• 41:50Speaker 03

  There was a brief period where polos were selling the holes.

• 41:54Speaker 04

  Oh, I can, I've, I've seen the picture now. Were they nice?

• 41:59Speaker 03

  Well, they were fine. It's just, I mean, what a waste of everybody's time.

• 42:03Speaker 04

  Yep, that, that is true. You were correct there.

• 42:06Speaker 03

  Do you know what, Rob? I'm tired.

• 42:08Speaker 04

  We've run out of steam, haven't we?

• 42:09Speaker 03

  We have. We've run out of steam. Is that bad?

• 42:13Speaker 04

  No. I think I'm hungry now. It's got late, because normally we start earlier.

• 42:18Speaker 03

  Full disclosure, this is, well, we don't need to say that. It's our third hour.

• 42:24Speaker 04

  I've had my own making.

• 42:25Speaker 03

  This isn't good enough. I think the last five minutes has been substandard.

• 42:29Speaker 04

  I think Michael may have his little bit of a job on his hands piecing that together. Um, shall we finish strong with a pair of, uh, shaggers?

• 42:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, we need it. We need it.

• 42:38Speaker 07

  Yeah, we might need at least two, maybe three more.

• 42:42Speaker 04

  Okay. Right, Josh, playground shaggers. This is another call out for more playground shaggers. We'll do a, a special edition soon.

• 42:50Speaker 03

  Come on, chin up.

• 42:51Speaker 04

  Let's go.

• 42:52Speaker 03

  Fucking do this. Let's fucking do this. Come on.

• 42:55Speaker 04

  It sounds like you're shagging in that hotel room alone.

• 43:02Speaker 04

  Widder comes in there and he's finished. Hi Shaggers, please keep me anonymous. Back in primary school, there were two girls in my class, let's call them Lucy and Hannah, who were basically a two-person cult. Joined at the hip from reception all the way to year six. They were together all the time, both in and out of school. Their parents even became best mates too. Dinners, weekends away, the fall were basically found in our package. Then suddenly in year six, it all changed. The girls were hardly speaking, the parents weren't hanging out and the whole playground was buzzing like someone had dropped a Love Island twist into a Church of England primary. And oh boy, the twist. It turns out Hannah's dad and Lucy's mum had been having a full-blown affair for years.

• 43:44Speaker 03

  Oh no.

• 43:45Speaker 04

  All while the daughters were plaiting each other's hair and the parents were doing joint barbecues like a Waitrose sponsored Brady Bunch. But the way it came out, the real masterpiece, Hannah found a pair of knickers in her dad's car.

• 44:01Speaker 04

  Yeah, you guessed it, they were not her mum's. And because kids are basically tiny detectives with no emotional filter, she held them up like Exhibit A. One guess whose they were. Chaos divorces all round, the friendship group exploded like a cheap firework. And here's the kicker, Hannah's dad and Lucy's mum got together properly and nearly 30 years later, they're still together and married. So maybe, just maybe, those rogue knickers were destiny's calling card. From the ultimate twist, Hannah.

• 44:35Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 44:38Speaker 04

  No, I made that up.

• 44:39Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 44:40Speaker 04

  It's anonymous. Would have been nice though, wouldn't it?

• 44:43Speaker 03

  Would have been nice.

• 44:44Speaker 04

  Would have been lovely.

• 44:45Speaker 03

  Nice. Oh, wow.

• 44:47Speaker 04

  And we're all happy.

• 44:49Speaker 03

  We've never had someone talking, we'd be more than welcome, someone talking honestly.

• 44:56Speaker 04

  About the worst thing that happened to them as a child?

• 44:58Speaker 03

  No, about if they were, if they were the Playground Shaggers or if they were the children of Playground Shaggers.

• 45:03Speaker 04

  I'd like to hear from the No Shame Shaggers.

• 45:05Speaker 03

  No Shame Shaggers, here's a new feature.

• 45:09Speaker 03

  You know, you're going, do you know what?

• 45:11Speaker 04

  Look, my wife was horrible, she treated me badly, I know, we've been together.

• 45:15Speaker 03

  I was in a loveless relationship, she was really horrible to me. And then the only person that would listen to me was the mum of my.

• 45:23Speaker 04

  The nearest woman, the nearest woman to me, who was my soulmate. I decided that I connected on a deeper level to the nearest woman to me during a period where I felt a bit alone. So that's, that's who I'm with now.

• 45:37Speaker 03

  Yeah. And now I'm in another loveless relationship, but this time I feel like I can't go again.

• 45:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, exactly, and I'm too old, no one wants me and there's no women near me because all the kids have left school. So just gonna have to grind it out till we go on a cruise.

• 45:52Speaker 04

  Right, another one, here we go. Food confession, hello, you sexy and relatable pair. I want to start by saying I love the podcast and I've been listening since the start when I found out I was going to be a first time dad. I've always had quite odd food habits to the point where when I was a child, my mum had to hide things like malt vinegar and lemon juice to stop me draining the bottle.

• 46:11Speaker 03

  Oh dear.

• 46:12Speaker 04

  Do you think people, maybe their bodies made up of like not enough sort of acid in the body, which is why they crave this kind of weird?

• 46:18Speaker 03

  It's odd, isn't it?

• 46:20Speaker 04

  I mean, it's mad, because it's not tasty.

• 46:23Speaker 03

  I don't know how it works. Why do some people like some foods and some people not? I don't understand, but then I suppose why does that?

• 46:30Speaker 04

  Some people don't like certain textures. This has carried on into adulthood where I've been known to eat whole lemons as well as raw onions and Scotch bonnet chili peppers in the office. That's mint. This is understandably met by equal parts of amusement and disgust. My lowest food app actually came when I was at home one evening and fancy cheese on toast. We were due to do the shop the next day and we were short of a key component and mainly the bread. Not wanting to be deterred, I cut a couple of healthily lumps of cheddar and liberally spread butter over them before scoffing the lot.

• 47:05Speaker 03

  Cheddar and butter?

• 47:05Speaker 04

  Didn't even melt it. Sorry, we've got a serial killer here. Afternoon lads, I have various interesting food combinations from when I was a child, but the weirdest of all is definitely kippers on dark chocolate biscuits.

• 47:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's weird.

• 47:17Speaker 04

  That's awful.

• 47:19Speaker 03

  What does a kipper taste like, Rob? I've never had a kipper.

• 47:22Speaker 04

  Sort of like, I've had them, my mum's had them, I didn't really like them, but they're sort of like tangy fish that's like, you have loads of salt and lemon on. But not, I don't like dark chocolate either. I'm tempted to try it again as an adult, but I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe if this gets read out, I'll go for it. Should we start trying these food suggestions? I mean, why don't I take the butter on cheese and then you can have kippers on biscuits?

• 47:49Speaker 03

  I'll have kippers on biscuits next time.

• 47:51Speaker 04

  That's from Katie. I don't need to be kept anonymous, I'm a chronic overshare-er. Ditto. Snap.

• 48:01Speaker 04

  Right, Josh, busy couple of weeks for you coming up, how are you feeling about the workload with doing this and all the Strictly stuff?

• 48:09Speaker 03

  Fine.

• 48:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, pumped and ready.

• 48:13Speaker 04

  Midday on Monday is yawning.

• 48:15Speaker 03

  It's easier than the tour.

• 48:18Speaker 04

  Yes, it's an easier gig than the tour.

• 48:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 48:21Speaker 04

  The actual fundamentals of the gig.

• 48:23Speaker 03

  The fundamental of the gig is more stressful, obviously, because tour, you just turn up and you do, you know, you know what you're doing.

• 48:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's harder to do a tour, but there's more external pressure and attention on Strictly, which will make it feel more intense, but actually the job's much easier and fun. But you just have to block out all the comments because whatever you do, there'd be 50/50 positive and negative. So it's best just not to look at any of them.

• 48:50Speaker 03

  I'd hope 60/40 in my favour.

• 48:52Speaker 04

  But no, well, they would, if you look at anything, if you do anything that's on the BBC and if you do Strictly, there's just people that whatever the BBC puts out are anti it, do you know what I mean? So you could be objectively perfect, but you know, is this helping or not? I'm trying to help.

• 49:08Speaker 03

  No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what?

• 49:12Speaker 04

  It's all bollocks and noise, so just ignore it.

• 49:14Speaker 03

  I might do another tour.

• 49:16Speaker 04

  It'll be great, it'll be great.

• 49:17Speaker 03

  Right, right.

• 49:18Speaker 04

  See you next time, Josh.

• 49:20Speaker 03

  I'm gonna go to bed.

• 49:21Speaker 04

  Bye.

• 49:22Speaker 03

  Bye.

• 49:28Speaker 02

  The award-winning series The Diplomat is back for its fourth season, now streaming only on Netflix. Keri Russell stars as Kate Wyler. In a stunning realisation, Kate connects the dots that Russia's most powerful weapon is missing and her husband Hal conspired with President Grace Penn in a dangerous plan to steal it, all behind her back. Kate is left reeling as she begins to question Hal's growing relationship with President Penn. Emmy winner Alison Janney returns with Rufus Sewell and Bradley Whitford. Watch The Diplomat, now playing only on Netflix.