S13 EP14: Do I Love You?

More adventures in parenting (and life) from Rob and Josh... In this episode we get through some of your brilliant emails as Josh has had a really bad week and some sad news :( ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Parenting Hell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ is a Spotify Podcast, new video episodes available everywhere every Tuesday and Friday. Please subscribe and leave a rating and review you filthy street dogs... xxx If you want to get in touch with the show with any correspondence, kids intro audio clips, small business shout outs, and more.... here's how: EMAIL: [email protected] Follow us on instagram: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠@parentinghell⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ A 'Keep It Light Media' Production Sales, advertising, and general enquiries: [email protected] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 1:00Speaker 01

  Observe the North American dad. 50s, great polo collection. He enters his vehicle information on Carvana. An offer appears in minutes. Remarkable. He squints, reads it again, smiles and says, dang, that's a good offer. The highest form of approval. No haggling, no hassle, no one called him boss. He's still on the couch. Astonishing. Sell your car today on carvana.com. Pickup fees may apply.

• 1:30Speaker 02

  This episode is presented by Tuie.

• 1:32Speaker 03

  You've got to love a family holiday, Josh.

• 1:33Speaker 02

  Oh, you've got to love it. Who wouldn't love it, Rob?

• 1:36Speaker 03

  But do you know what the problem with holidays is?

• 1:38Speaker 02

  You don't get enough of them. That's the problem.

• 1:40Speaker 03

  Exactly. So you need to make the most of your holiday, which is why Tuie gives you more.

• 1:44Speaker 02

  So that's got to be easy booking for incredible destinations with amazing hotels that offer all the things you love. Perfect beaches, mouth-watering food, onsite splash parks, wellness centres, swim-up suites and fun stuff for the kids.

• 1:57Speaker 03

  And now you can get even more by joining the brand-new Tuie Smiles Reward Club for free.

• 2:02Speaker 02

  We're talking members-only deals, personalised rewards from Tuie, and some of their brilliant partners, and plenty of chances to win amazing prizes.

• 2:11Speaker 03

  Love it. Get more from your holiday book now and discover the Tuie Smiles Reward Club at tuie.co.uk.

• 2:18Speaker 02

  Atoll and Abta protected.

• 2:23Speaker 03

  Hello, you're listening to Parenting Hell with...

• 2:26Speaker 04

  Ronnie, can you say Rob? Rob. Ekit. Ekit. And can you say Josh? Rob. Whittaker. Whittaker. Well done.

• 2:36Speaker 03

  Go on, Ronnie.

• 2:37Speaker 02

  Ronnie, great name. This is my nephew Ronnie, aged two, saying your names on a recent holiday to Mallorca. I'm also mum myself to Florence, seven, and Arthur, three. My son Arthur has a speech disorder. Hope one day he'll be able to say the intro, but until that day, Ronnie will do. Oh, that's nice. Do you know what, Grace? You can have...

• 2:59Speaker 02

  I was going to say fast track. I don't know how. I can't help you on that, actually.

• 3:03Speaker 03

  Hey, well, look, I'm sure he'll be absolutely fine to do it at some point. I had a speech disorder, disorder, did you say? Is that the right word?

• 3:11Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 3:12Speaker 03

  And had speech therapy and now I speak for a living.

• 3:15Speaker 02

  Too much. Thank you for all the laughs.

• 3:18Speaker 03

  You think I overjuiced?

• 3:19Speaker 02

  And keeping me company on my early and late commutes to Heathrow while I work for Rob's favourite airline. All the best, Grace from Fleet in Hampshire.

• 3:27Speaker 03

  You want mine?

• 3:28Speaker 02

  Very good. Well, not great, Rob, but we're going to do an emails episode.

• 3:33Speaker 03

  A correspondence?

• 3:35Speaker 02

  Correspondence episode because I can't quite take on talking about the present at this moment.

• 3:41Speaker 03

  Okay. You've dropped a bit of a sort of... You've made people be more interested about what you're up to, what's going on.

• 3:50Speaker 02

  Actually, last episode...

• 3:52Speaker 03

  Or do you want to mention it slightly?

• 3:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'll mention it slightly. Last episode, I was in a dark place, then I was in a great place. Do you remember the last episode? I started in quite a bad mood, Rob.

• 4:01Speaker 03

  Yes, you weren't very...

• 4:03Speaker 02

  Probably the worst mood I've ever been on Parenting Hell.

• 4:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'd say it was very...

• 4:08Speaker 02

  It wasn't very me.

• 4:10Speaker 03

  No, it was quite a shock. It felt a bit like you'd caught me and Rose having an affair.

• 4:15Speaker 02

  And then gone through with the podcast.

• 4:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, because, you know, contractual obligations.

• 4:19Speaker 02

  I've got a deal with Spotify. And at the end of the day, I'm a professional.

• 4:26Speaker 03

  But now you just obviously were having a bit of a low moment, as we all do.

• 4:29Speaker 02

  And it's doubly annoying because Rose is going to get half of this from our divorce and she'll get half of the half that you get from your divorce when you get together with Rose. So Rose is seeing three quarters of this money of this contract.

• 4:42Speaker 03

  She's going to be the only one on a whole.

• 4:44Speaker 02

  She's going to be the only one on a whole, apart from Lou, who I'm now going to try and shout up.

• 4:52Speaker 03

  Oh, how long until that was all fine? Do you know what I mean? There'll probably be a couple of years of it being a bit rocky, but then...

• 4:58Speaker 02

  It would be weird when people are like, I missed a few episodes and now Josh is talking about Lou and Rob's talking about Rose.

• 5:08Speaker 03

  What would it do kids-wise? We'd probably just start have a kid each, sort of like, I'd have one of yours, you have one of mine.

• 5:13Speaker 02

  We don't use their names anyway, so it wouldn't affect people.

• 5:18Speaker 03

  As long as you kept the boy, I'm fine.

• 5:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly, yeah.

• 5:21Speaker 03

  We'll just swap one of the girls.

• 5:23Speaker 02

  Sort the eight-year-olds.

• 5:24Speaker 03

  Done, deal.

• 5:25Speaker 02

  Done.

• 5:26Speaker 03

  See, look at that. No need for family court.

• 5:28Speaker 02

  My eight-year-old, by which I mean the one that's not mine.

• 5:33Speaker 03

  But is your new wives.

• 5:34Speaker 02

  Where's mine getting on?

• 5:39Speaker 03

  Yours is all right, mine wasn't, aren't they? That's mine.

• 5:45Speaker 02

  So I actually had a two-hour nap after that. It turns out I was incredibly tired.

• 5:50Speaker 03

  Yes, just a bit exhausted, but you're all right now.

• 5:54Speaker 02

  Well, I was. I was in a great place.

• 5:57Speaker 02

  I just don't want to go into it.

• 5:59Speaker 03

  Fair enough.

• 6:00Speaker 02

  But we've had some more pat drama and it's too grim.

• 6:05Speaker 03

  To go into?

• 6:06Speaker 02

  To go into. I'll deal with it next episode, but we're in the middle of it.

• 6:09Speaker 03

  We'll deal with it whenever you want to deal with it. There's plenty of other stuff you could talk about. At the end of the day, this is a bit of fun if it gets too much.

• 6:15Speaker 02

  The fish are fine.

• 6:22Speaker 02

  And I actually walked in to feed the fish yesterday and I thought, you fucking...

• 6:34Speaker 03

  Why couldn't it be you?

• 6:36Speaker 02

  Why couldn't it be?

• 6:38Speaker 03

  Just for once. How are you still going?

• 6:42Speaker 02

  How long does a fucking fish live?

• 6:46Speaker 02

  Do I love you, the fish?

• 6:50Speaker 03

  Now who's the heartless pet owner?

• 6:52Speaker 02

  I like you and I feel annoyed if people don't feed you, but I won't be thinking.

• 6:58Speaker 03

  Well, it must be people out there that love their, really love their fish.

• 7:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:02Speaker 03

  I think I could get into a koi carp. Do you want the little mouse that... You know, they might, if you've got me in a pond, they look like a bit of... I feel like I could form a connection with them. I'm always going to struggle with a goldfish.

• 7:13Speaker 02

  Like a load of tropical, that might be fun.

• 7:16Speaker 03

  No, I know. I think it needs to be like one or two sort of like unique ones. Like if you had like a little pufferfish thing, you'd be like, oh, yeah, like give him a name and you'd be sad if he or she died.

• 7:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:26Speaker 03

  But I think, you know, seven orange ones just bobbing about.

• 7:31Speaker 02

  It's been a tough end of the holiday, but I... So we're going to put a pin in the fish. I know, we're going to put a pin.

• 7:41Speaker 03

  In the bleak news and let's do a bit of correspondence.

• 7:43Speaker 02

  Also, we're going to put a pin in the Lou. We're just going to come back to all that stuff. The Lou voice note is coming. We're just going to do correspondence for this episode.

• 7:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, and we're not actually shagging each other's wives.

• 8:00Speaker 03

  You did correspondence.

• 8:01Speaker 02

  Let's do correspondence, Rob. So let's do correspondence.

• 8:04Speaker 03

  Come on. Right, Rob and Josh, I've been having the same issue with Salish and Jordan Matar, but I've recently found that you can block certain TV shows from showing up in your daughter's profile under parental controls and it will never show up again on Netflix. Thank you, Julia from Pangborn.

• 8:20Speaker 02

  There you go. That's good.

• 8:22Speaker 03

  We've been doing like family YouTube watches where we try and find creators that are suitable. There's a guy called Hangtime. He's quite funny and silly and the kids love it, but it's fairly sort of all right. It's not like a weird screaming fake video, weird 50-year-old dad getting his daughter to do videos. Anyway, so yeah, if you've got any other recommendations of YouTubers that are not rude or weird or feels a bit dodged, let us know because then we can give out recommendations.

• 8:54Speaker 02

  If you're interested in that, right?

• 8:58Speaker 02

  I read the new book by John Ronson that's about kind of men in this day and age, right? It's fascinating. There's an incredible chapter about his relationship with Graham Linehan, but there is a chapter about this guy who makes... He's a father, a single father of two, and he starts putting videos up on YouTube of him and his kids just for people he knows. And then one of them gets a load of hits and he kind of chases the algorithm. And he becomes so successful that YouTube give him, he's getting 500 million hits on videos.

• 9:36Speaker 03

  Right.

• 9:37Speaker 02

  And YouTube give him an expert that he's allowed to call for help and all this kind of like he's just a mega creator.

• 9:47Speaker 02

  And he ends up doing this thing, which is like, because you can't do the same thing more than three times. You have to be changing your ideas up in the ante, up in the ante, up in the ante. And he ends up doing this thing called Bad Babies, which is him and his two kids, um, all dressed as babies, having food fights and stuff. And it basically ends up ruining his life. It's so fascinating.

• 10:15Speaker 03

  Really? What's, what was the character called?

• 10:18Speaker 02

  I can't remember what he's called, um, which is, but he, he just chases to get more and more hits, more and more hits and the, you, to the point where some of the things you like, if, and then it becomes, the reason it ruins his life is because on YouTube kids, it's accessible content, but people come to his later stuff way before the earlier stuff. So it just looks like he's this insane guy who's a terrible father who's doing these videos with his kids.

• 10:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:45Speaker 02

  Because they haven't witnessed this kind of creeping journey.

• 10:48Speaker 03

  It's like Frankenstein's monster.

• 10:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:50Speaker 03

  We're like, oh, that works. Babies work. Oh, food fights work. Let's do both. And it's like, this is a horrible piecing together of analytics and data to create monsters.

• 10:59Speaker 02

  And the title is like babies, mega food fight hell. Do you know what I mean? Like all these.

• 11:04Speaker 03

  Parenting hell, yeah.

• 11:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, parenting hell. All these words that people search all the time. And, um, but it's wild, right? It's a wild story. And he becomes one of the things, there's this thing called, I think, Elsa Gate, which is these, this kind of public outcry at the videos that people are getting served on YouTube.

• 11:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:23Speaker 02

  On kids YouTube. And he becomes one of the faces of it. And he, he makes fuck loads of money, but it ruins his life. And he can barely now, he's living just a, he just doesn't like leaving the house. It's so fascinating.

• 11:38Speaker 03

  Oh, wow. I don't look that up. Because I, I can see how they get caught up in it because it's quite intoxicating. Views going up, likes going up, money going up. If we do this, we do that. But like, and that, but that's always sort of been like, it's quite, it was like, I think I said it before, about product led or market led, where these YouTubers, if you're market led, you'll just do whatever. Oh, they want more of that. Let's do that. Whereas I think, like, what we do here is a product, it sounds a bit wanky and business talk, but like, is a product led thing where we will just chat and throw it out. And if people like it, they like it. It won't come to a shock to any listeners that we've never done any research at all, ever. And what, I don't even, I won't even fucking read a comment or something, you know, I've blocked Reddit and all those things

• 12:20Speaker 03

  just because I actually think that ruins you because then you become too aware of what you're doing, when you've just got to do it. And if people like it, they like it. If they don't, they don't. You can't, I think it's a dangerous game.

• 12:31Speaker 02

  There's, uh, and without, it's wanky again, but I think it's a good phrase that I heard someone say, which is if you're doing it for clicks, that is not your art. That is not what you, what you want to be doing. That's not how you express yourself. If you're going, this will get me more clicks. That is not.

• 12:49Speaker 03

  No.

• 12:50Speaker 02

  This is as shit as it is because this is what we want to do.

• 12:57Speaker 03

  I've got absolutely nothing in me to change it beyond this into a mega TV. Oh, when someone says that, do you ever want to go to America and break America? I thought I thought of being big in America.

• 13:10Speaker 02

  Start again. Are you fucking kidding? Do you know how long I've worked? So you could, you, you'd start in the clubs. Well, I've done that. I'm not doing it again. When does it end?

• 13:21Speaker 03

  You're fucking kidding me?

• 13:23Speaker 02

  Oh. Yeah. So I started, I started my, uh, street photography Instagram account this week.

• 13:30Speaker 03

  Yes, I saw that. Very good photos.

• 13:31Speaker 02

  Oh, thank you. And I've followed loads of photographers and one of them's got 500,000 followers.

• 13:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:39Speaker 02

  And he instantly DM'd me and he said, if you want help getting more followers, follow my program. It's initially free. And I was like, and instantly I was like, oh shit. And I was like, what are you doing? This is the opposite. Don't get dragged into going, these are the photographs that take these. What, why is everything this quest for fucking bigger? And to be fair, we're as, you know, we're all to blame for it. I'm not saying I'm better than that.

• 14:08Speaker 03

  No, but we, we were like that at one point. So the thing is though, the difference is we've got an established podcast touring, TV work and stuff. Whereas like, if you were working in the, the Guardian, writing at Doric's, you know, your journalist.

• 14:22Speaker 02

  And he says you could get 500,000 followers as a photography blog.

• 14:25Speaker 03

  Yeah. If that can impact my life, maybe you would go down that route of doing it. And, and I totally think that's the right, that would have been the right thing for you to do then. But for you now to do that again, it's sort of like, well, you can if you want, but what, what, what for, Josh?

• 14:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. I've got no interest.

• 14:40Speaker 03

  Because what's, what is that? Then you're just becoming a, as a science model as opposed to creating something people would like.

• 14:46Speaker 02

  Exactly. Anyway.

• 14:48Speaker 03

  Hi, that's, that's the end of fucking Newsnight. Pair of fucking boring old [bleep]. Right. Got an email here. Craziest baby food fight. This, we asked this last week, Josh, because the old baby food fight stuff's really clicking well on the old CPU unit thumbnail fucking, oh, it makes me feel sick.

• 15:10Speaker 02

  And do you know what? The worst thing is, we did have a, we did have a conversation just before this about thumbnails. So.

• 15:19Speaker 03

  It's only because we just definitely have, no, we didn't have a conversation about thumbnails. We just, I just said, on our feed, we've got to have a photo of it, the football one for the football episodes. And I think that's a basic, that's cool. I put, I said that's labelling. That's not thumbnails.

• 15:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:34Speaker 03

  Thumbnails is not like, right, take a photo of this. My head, and put loads of fucking bombs behind my head. Hey.

• 15:44Speaker 02

  Can we have that as the thumbnail, Mark?

• 15:46Speaker 03

  Crazy fucking chat from Josh and Rob. Josh and Rob unleash on your ear holes.

• 15:58Speaker 03

  This episode is brought to you by Tesco Mobile. Josh, how are you with the kids' slang?

• 16:03Speaker 02

  Oh, mate, I try. I'll be honest, I try. But they might as well be speaking a different language. I don't know what she ate means, and I do worry about it. And when you hear something like, oh, he cooked. Well, I, I presume, you know, was it on an induction hob? That's what I'm thinking.

• 16:21Speaker 03

  We can't be alone though, Josh. Loads of parents out there feel like they can't understand half of the words their kids use. The thing is, that can also mean a lot of us don't always understand what's going on in our kids' online lives.

• 16:33Speaker 02

  Exactly. It might not always feel easy, but sitting down with the kids and asking them what something like Riz means can open up important conversations about their online lives, Rob. Those chats help us keep up as parents, which helps us keep them safe online.

• 16:47Speaker 03

  So if you're feeling stuck about having the online safety chat, visit the Tesco Mobile Online Safety Hub, where they have plenty of tips and resources for keeping you and your family safe online.

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• 17:58Speaker 06

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• 18:31Speaker 02

  Um, Rob.

• 18:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:33Speaker 02

  You're gonna have to do the emails, because I've, this is the level we're working at.

• 18:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:38Speaker 02

  I've managed to delete the email Michael sent us of the emails.

• 18:41Speaker 03

  Okay, don't worry, I'll take the lead. Do you know what, though? This is a bit professional, because I'm getting my office done. I'm gonna buy, right? What do you think of this?

• 18:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 18:49Speaker 03

  Metal, like, screen thing with, like, little holes in, on wheels, so I can, like, pin to it a parent in hell, like, printed out on a bit of paper, and we'll get in behind me.

• 19:01Speaker 02

  Printed out on a bit of paper.

• 19:02Speaker 03

  Well, whatever, you know what I mean? Like, a sign or something. We'll get a sign, yeah. Well, the thing is, like, we are just three blokes, so there isn't a team that's like, oh, okay, I'll put an email into the fucking signage team. It's have a Michael, like, and Michael's been promising me a screen behind me for fucking months, Michael.

• 19:20Speaker 02

  You've got one.

• 19:21Speaker 03

  Well, no, it's not fit for purpose. Michael, where's my screen?

• 19:25Speaker 07

  Well, I'm actually in a dispute with the delivery company who are saying it's been delivered, and I'm saying, no, it hasn't. So I, I think one of your neighbours might have your screen.

• 19:34Speaker 03

  Really?

• 19:35Speaker 07

  Well, they're saying it's been delivered, and they're, they're saying they're disputing.

• 19:38Speaker 02

  Elizabeth Day.

• 19:39Speaker 03

  Hang on, did you get? I reckon it might be in my house somewhere.

• 19:43Speaker 07

  We got a delivery confirmation from them. I've asked them for photographic proof, like, well over two weeks ago. No, they, but they, they won't provide a photo. So as far as I'm concerned, I'm saying it hasn't been delivered.

• 19:54Speaker 02

  They've got to be able to provide a photo. That's the whole point of taking a photo of your fucking.

• 19:58Speaker 07

  Precisely.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:00Speaker 07

  It's quite, like, it's a sort of long, narrow, like, it's a sort of, um, a closed rail on wheels. You wouldn't miss it if it had been delivered.

• 20:08Speaker 03

  I, there's a box that looks like that in my.

• 20:11Speaker 02

  You've got to be fucking kidding me. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Michael's in a dispute. Fucking hell.

• 20:18Speaker 03

  He's knee deep in a dispute, yeah?

• 20:20Speaker 02

  Rob.

• 20:22Speaker 03

  I, I think there was, I think that might be in the, by the washing machine.

• 20:25Speaker 02

  Go and have a look.

• 20:26Speaker 03

  Fine, one second.

• 20:27Speaker 02

  While he's gone, I'll tell this anecdote. My friend showed me their street WhatsApp group recently, uh, yesterday, and they had a picture on it of a pa- package being held by a hand that they hadn't received. They just put on the street racket, WhatsApp group, does anyone recognise this thumb?

• 20:47Speaker 02

  Shall we just carry on without him?

• 20:49Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 20:50Speaker 02

  Getting Alfred by an in-law. Niche and interesting things your kids are into.

• 20:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, go for it, yeah.

• 20:55Speaker 02

  Oh, there we go. That was good, that. I looked up and thought he might be back. Here he is.

• 20:59Speaker 03

  Michael, continue the dispute.

• 21:02Speaker 02

  What was it?

• 21:03Speaker 03

  It was a, sort of like a floating, what, thing that goes in our grub, above ground pool that you can put drinks in, that's not been opened, because no one's been in the above ground pool for three and a half weeks. It's now September.

• 21:20Speaker 02

  Niche and interesting things your kids are obsessed with or into.

• 21:23Speaker 03

  Go on.

• 21:23Speaker 02

  Hello, my five, almost six-year-old son loves history, but is particularly obsessed with the Battle of Rorke's Drift.

• 21:30Speaker 03

  Rorke's Drift? What's that?

• 21:33Speaker 02

  I don't know. Well, I do now, because it says it here. He has watched the film Zulu more times than I can remember.

• 21:39Speaker 03

  How old is he?

• 21:40Speaker 02

  Five, almost six. And when he role plays, he recreates the gun sound with historical accuracy. He also cried at bedtime a few weeks ago because he will never be a Zulu.

• 21:51Speaker 03

  Right.

• 21:52Speaker 02

  Strange child, she's written. Lauren, spiritually 20, realistically 37, from Hereford.

• 21:57Speaker 03

  So, it's, it's, it's got a PG rating?

• 22:01Speaker 02

  Has it?

• 22:02Speaker 03

  Yeah, and he's five.

• 22:04Speaker 02

  I've watched it as a kid, because my gran was obsessed with that film. She thought it was excellent. Um, and it's about Michael Caine.

• 22:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:11Speaker 02

  Michael Caine, he's playing a role. And they're, I mean, presumably Michael's seen it. It's, they're a battalion of British soldiers who kind of hold their position against an onslaught of Zulu fighters in a kind of bloodbath.

• 22:31Speaker 03

  Right.

• 22:32Speaker 02

  Is that right, Michael?

• 22:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:34Speaker 07

  Yeah, it's basically our version of the Alamo.

• 22:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, so what's the Alamo stuff?

• 22:41Speaker 03

  Is it racist? Feels racist.

• 22:43Speaker 02

  It's probably, probably not ideal in this day and age.

• 22:46Speaker 07

  It's quite colonial. It's not ideal.

• 22:48Speaker 03

  They weren't defending fucking Guildford, were they?

• 22:51Speaker 02

  No. P S, his idea of a good time is going to the crematorium near us to find soldiers' gravestones.

• 22:56Speaker 03

  So where's, where is Rorke's Drift?

• 22:59Speaker 02

  It'll be, it'll be the Boer War, won't it? Rorke's Drift.

• 23:02Speaker 07

  Anglo-Zulu War.

• 23:03Speaker 03

  It's the Anglo-Zulu, oh, it sounds, doesn't sound great, does it?

• 23:08Speaker 02

  The Battle of Rorke's Drift was a famous 1879 Anglo-Zulu war engagement where roughly 150 British and colonial troops successfully defended a supply depot against 3,000 to 4,000 Zulu warriors. Yeah. They just kind of keep coming, the Zulu warriors.

• 23:25Speaker 03

  Should we not have been there really in the first place?

• 23:28Speaker 02

  Hi, guys. I've been loving your segment about our kids' hyper fixations and thought I'd share mine. My five-year-old little boy, Louis, adores the 20th Century Fox logo and theme tune.

• 23:38Speaker 03

  Oh, I love that.

• 23:39Speaker 02

  That's great.

• 23:42Speaker 03

  That one, dum dum.

• 23:44Speaker 02

  It started when we tried to watch a film, but all he ever wanted to do was rewind over and over to the 20th Century Fox theme tune, the start. In his words, it's totally epic.

• 23:56Speaker 02

  It is totally epic. We managed to find a 3D print of the logo, which now, which he now takes to bed.

• 24:07Speaker 02

  It's also extended to all major US film companies, in particular Universal and MGM, and he always points out, interested to see where this interest takes him. Stay sexy and relatable, Rosie.

• 24:18Speaker 03

  Hollywood, that's where he's going.

• 24:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:21Speaker 03

  I have a weird food confession to share with you all. When I was a kid, I used to have the job of feeding our cat in our laundry. One day I was curious to know what a cat biscuit tasted like. As it turns out, I was quite fond of the flavour of a cat biscuit. So from that day forward, every now and then, when I passed the laundry, I'd pop a cat biscuit in my mouth for a delicious snack. I told my husband this story a few years back, and as it turns out, he used to do a similar thing. He used to sneak into the back room where his dog was and lick the end of his dick. Funny the things you're into. No, I made that up.

• 25:03Speaker 03

  Sorry.

• 25:04Speaker 02

  Sorry.

• 25:05Speaker 03

  He would sneak dog biscuits from the farm dogs back when he was a kid. I wonder if this is why we get on so well. Love the pod. It brightens my day. Kylie from New Zealand.

• 25:14Speaker 02

  I don't think it is why you got on so well.

• 25:16Speaker 03

  What do they taste of cat biscuit, then?

• 25:18Speaker 02

  Fish? I wanna say fish.

• 25:21Speaker 03

  Gonna say fish. Always fish.

• 25:23Speaker 02

  It's gotta be fish, hasn't it? Would you? I'm saying no for me.

• 25:29Speaker 03

  Go on.

• 25:29Speaker 02

  Would you eat one?

• 25:31Speaker 03

  I'd, weirdly, I'd go dog biscuit over cat biscuit, guns to my head. Mainly because I think cat, I just stink fish immediately.

• 25:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:39Speaker 03

  And I don't want a fish biscuit, but I do think I could eat a chicken biscuit. Kibble? Would you have kibble?

• 25:45Speaker 07

  What's kibble?

• 25:46Speaker 03

  Kibble's like the little hard pellets of food dogs eat.

• 25:48Speaker 07

  No.

• 25:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, no, no, fuck that. They look horrible.

• 25:52Speaker 03

  Mel Gibson, when he played Riggs in Lethal Weapon, used to eat dog biscuits, didn't he?

• 25:56Speaker 02

  Did he?

• 25:57Speaker 03

  Oh, mate, how good was Lethal Weapon? When he used to dislocate his shoulder all the time for no reason.

• 26:02Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 26:03Speaker 02

  It was good.

• 26:04Speaker 03

  Oh, so Myrtle. When I watched that, you know Myrtle in it? He's got, I'm getting too old for this shit.

• 26:10Speaker 02

  Who's Myrtle?

• 26:11Speaker 03

  It's the sidekick, the black police officer.

• 26:14Speaker 02

  Danny Glover.

• 26:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:15Speaker 02

  Right, right, right. You should have just said Danny Glover, yeah.

• 26:17Speaker 03

  Okay, well, sorry.

• 26:18Speaker 02

  I didn't know you were saying, when someone's across the character names, they've seen a film too many times.

• 26:25Speaker 03

  Riggs and Myrtle. I don't, he was such a great performance. I don't see him as Danny Glover.

• 26:30Speaker 02

  Of course, of course.

• 26:32Speaker 03

  Anyway, in that, I, when I was a kid, I thought he must be 72. He had a bit of grey hair, and he'd have his old gun, and he'd crick his neck and go, I'm getting too old for this shit, and then fire it. He's about 38.

• 26:45Speaker 02

  How old was Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon?

• 26:47Speaker 07

  He's 40 in the film, but the character's 50.

• 26:50Speaker 03

  So he's 40 in the film, same age as me, and his character's 50. How do you, how did you get that that quick?

• 26:55Speaker 07

  I'm a big fan of Lethal Weapon.

• 26:57Speaker 03

  Mate, I loved it. Even Lethal Weapon four, Joe Pesci, Jet Li, I, I'm gonna, I wanna watch it again.

• 27:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'd watch it again. Isn't that something where he's on the toilet? There's a fun thing where he's on the toilet, isn't there?

• 27:07Speaker 07

  That's Lethal Weapon two.

• 27:08Speaker 02

  That's Lethal Weapon two. Right, yeah. Have you ever played Lethal Weapon pinball? One holiday in Pembrokeshire, we played Lethal Weapon two pinball.

• 27:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:18Speaker 02

  Every day in, um, Booth's Amusement Arcade in Pembroke. And it's, I've, I've toyed with buying it, but it's too expensive.

• 27:29Speaker 03

  Really? Oh, well, you should do it.

• 27:31Speaker 02

  It would play, they'd, it'd play the song Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top when you got a power up.

• 27:38Speaker 03

  I, um, I, I was never pinballing. I used to like playing, um, uh, Point Blank Time Crisis in arcades. Did you ever play them?

• 27:46Speaker 02

  I took my kids to the arcades to get it back onto kids. We went to Xmas.

• 27:50Speaker 03

  Who cares?

• 27:54Speaker 03

  We were kids once. Talk about being kids.

• 27:59Speaker 02

  Winter X month.

• 28:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:01Speaker 02

  Played crazy golf, which they fucking loved. Best, do you want to know the best decision I made, Rob?

• 28:05Speaker 03

  Go on.

• 28:06Speaker 02

  She handed me the scorecard. I said, no, we're not scoring this. And it was, the pressure was off. They didn't know that you had to score it. They were just trying to get round.

• 28:18Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 28:19Speaker 02

  Perfect. Then we went into the amusement arcade.

• 28:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 28:24Speaker 02

  And it was like they'd been overtaken by a demon. They were just obsessed with the, the machines and the, the winning on the two P pushing machine and the 10 P pushing machine. And I had to kind of get them out because it was so extreme, the, the kind of, how much it was winding them up.

• 28:47Speaker 03

  Josh, are you sure it was Lethal Weapon two or Lethal Weapon three?

• 28:50Speaker 02

  It was three.

• 28:51Speaker 03

  It was three?

• 28:52Speaker 02

  Maybe, I don't know. It was a separate Pimbles.

• 28:54Speaker 03

  Well, Lethal Weapon two is not coming up with a Pimble, but three is. And it looks absolutely incredible.

• 29:03Speaker 03

  You've got to buy it, come on.

• 29:05Speaker 02

  Is it available?

• 29:07Speaker 03

  I don't know.

• 29:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's the one. Lethal Weapon three Pimble. Yeah, Rob, I'm not buying it because it's seven thousand, three hundred and ninety five pounds.

• 29:16Speaker 03

  I mean, and also it's a big old unit.

• 29:19Speaker 02

  It's got its own Wikipedia. It must be a legendary Pimble machine.

• 29:24Speaker 03

  It might, would, would Rose let you have it in the house somewhere?

• 29:28Speaker 02

  Not at that price.

• 29:29Speaker 03

  It's so good. Joe Pesci in there in the middle?

• 29:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, he used to say in it, when you did well, he'd go, what Leo wants, Leo gets.

• 29:37Speaker 03

  Ah, yes, because he was an estate agent, wasn't he?

• 29:40Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah, this is the one. There was a choice of three background music. CNC Music Factory's gonna make you sweat, everybody dance now. ZZ Top's Sharp Jess Man, which is the one we choose, and an original composite by Brian Schmidt. If anyone's trying to sell a Lethal Weapon three Pimble, I'm interested, but not.

• 29:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, seven, seven grand's mental.

• 30:01Speaker 02

  Not at the market rate.

• 30:02Speaker 03

  No, that's insane.

• 30:04Speaker 02

  Lethal Weapon three Pimble. Then they've got a price with the line through it because it's been reduced.

• 30:10Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:11Speaker 02

  Four thousand, seven hundred and ninety five pounds line through it, reduced to four thousand, four hundred and ninety nine, ninety five pounds. That is not a big enough reduction. Three hundred pounds off a five grand Pimble machine.

• 30:25Speaker 03

  Do you know what I'd, um, what I'd, what, so you know, that's obviously seed into your memory as a kid, that Pimble machine?

• 30:31Speaker 02

  And my warriors, I'd buy it and then it would ruin those memories because then it would just be a thing in the garage that I felt was too expensive.

• 30:37Speaker 03

  Here we go. Is there something that you've bought because you were obsessed by it as a kid and you've got it? Tell us, what was it? Did it satisfy that need or did it make you feel a bit empty because it was perfect in your mind?

• 30:51Speaker 02

  I can tell you the first thing about that, Rob.

• 30:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:54Speaker 02

  This is the perfect distillation of like capitalism, consumerism, and want and need not ever being satisfied.

• 31:11Speaker 02

  As a child, all I ever wanted was to buy the box of stickers they had at the news agent.

• 31:18Speaker 03

  The full pack?

• 31:19Speaker 02

  The full box, the full box of the sticker packs. Have you ever done it?

• 31:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 31:25Speaker 02

  It's awful.

• 31:28Speaker 03

  I felt amazing.

• 31:29Speaker 02

  Did you?

• 31:29Speaker 03

  I felt awful. I loved it. What did you feel? I felt fucking great.

• 31:35Speaker 02

  No, too much.

• 31:36Speaker 03

  You don't like it?

• 31:37Speaker 02

  No, it was too much.

• 31:38Speaker 03

  No, I thought it was, I just thought, yes, you've earned this.

• 31:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's how I felt at the start. And then you start opening them and you feel cheap and you feel like it becomes a chore.

• 31:51Speaker 03

  No, you need, you need, do you know what you need? You need to borrow my brain for half hour. I fucking loved it. I lined them all up, put them in there. I just, I just turned them over and put them in number order. Bang, bang, done, done.

• 32:02Speaker 02

  That's what I did. It became a chore.

• 32:04Speaker 03

  It did take ages. By the end I was like, fucking hell, because I'll get rid of some of these stickers. It became more of a job than, than the fun of putting them in.

• 32:13Speaker 02

  Have you as an adult?

• 32:15Speaker 03

  I think you, I, I think you are too harsh on yourself, Josh, for enjoying yourself.

• 32:19Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 32:20Speaker 03

  I think.

• 32:20Speaker 02

  I don't take that on board.

• 32:22Speaker 03

  As Marcus Aurelius said, what's in the way is the way. You need to buy this Pimble machine.

• 32:27Speaker 02

  I'm not buying the Pimble machine.

• 32:29Speaker 03

  You need to stand there, hold that Glock, unleash on Joe Pesci.

• 32:34Speaker 02

  I don't want to do, Rob. I don't, do you do your own home insurance?

• 32:39Speaker 03

  Lou does it.

• 32:40Speaker 02

  Right. Do you know that if you've got anything over the value of, I think it is three thousand pounds in your house?

• 32:46Speaker 03

  You have to bring up?

• 32:47Speaker 02

  You, no, you have to specify that on the home insurance.

• 32:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 32:51Speaker 02

  I don't want to have to specify.

• 32:53Speaker 03

  No, see.

• 32:54Speaker 02

  That I have a five grand Pimble machine on my home insurance is too embarrassing.

• 32:57Speaker 03

  You'll be lucky, right? Seven and a half if you're getting it upstairs. I'm actually on now, I'm on a Jurassic Park Pimble machine and I'm getting flashbacks.

• 33:07Speaker 02

  Yeah. What have you bought from your childhood? And did it, did it bring happiness? Do you know what it felt like when I got the box of stickers?

• 33:16Speaker 03

  What?

• 33:17Speaker 02

  I don't know. Let, let me give you an example. I made up example, but we've all had this situation. You think, I'm going to bloody show them, right? So what I'm going to do.

• 33:26Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 33:27Speaker 02

  Do you know what I'd love to do? If, when I'm on TV, I'm going to go back to the fucking comedy store and I'm going to do a weekend and I'm going to rub it in comedy, comedian X and comedian Y's face. And then.

• 33:41Speaker 03

  Hang on, I, I don't think, I don't think I've done.

• 33:46Speaker 02

  You must have had comedian X, comedian Y you didn't like on the way up.

• 33:49Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 33:50Speaker 02

  And you've thought, when I get famous, I'm going to love gigging with them because it's gonna.

• 33:57Speaker 03

  Oh, no, so, so I thought you purposely booked in the gig.

• 34:00Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, no, no.

• 34:01Speaker 03

  No, no, no. Oh, I've done that where I've looked and go, oh, I'm happy, you know, yeah, I've got you, right?

• 34:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:05Speaker 03

  I thought you were hunting them down.

• 34:07Speaker 02

  No, no, no, no, no, I'm going.

• 34:08Speaker 03

  Pulling strings to get them on the bills so you can headline and rip it.

• 34:14Speaker 02

  No. Comedian X, who was horrible to you on the way up and you're looking forward to gigging with them. And then you gig with them and it feels hollow because actually I, you feel a bit embarrassed. You feel like, what was I trying to do? Do you know what I mean?

• 34:29Speaker 03

  Hmm, it's a little bit.

• 34:31Speaker 02

  I need to spend half an hour in your head. I need to learn to enjoy myself.

• 34:35Speaker 03

  Now, because I sort of know what you mean, but part of me did think, have that, you silly old prat, who's laughing now? Not you or them, or me, no one. But in this little game I've invented, I'm winning. I am on top now after you bullied me. No, the, the truth is to sort of let it go and not care, but sometimes it, you know, I think, as you've said before, it's good to be very calm and zen, but also it is still quite fun to hate people.

• 35:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:07Speaker 03

  Isn't it?

• 35:08Speaker 02

  Normal people with famous names, Rob?

• 35:10Speaker 03

  Oh, go on.

• 35:11Speaker 02

  Hello, Rob and Josh. Og, Og, a listener to the pod. So a massive thank you. I went to school with, this is mad, because I, I don't, this is mad, because it's fine if the person's then got the name. Or it's fine if the person that gave them the name, and then the person's got famous afterwards, or if the person didn't know. I went to school with William Shakespeare.

• 35:38Speaker 03

  No, that's, that can't be.

• 35:41Speaker 02

  You can't have the surname Shakespeare, which is already, people are going to go, oh, like Shakespeare.

• 35:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:46Speaker 02

  You can't be doing that.

• 35:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's like the surnames of Nazareth and you call your kid Jesus.

• 35:51Speaker 02

  Yeah. One funny story.

• 35:53Speaker 03

  That can't be real, can it?

• 35:55Speaker 02

  It is. One funny story was when the supply teacher arrived. Well, it might not be, they might be lying. One funny story was when a supply teacher arrived and they had no registers, so we had to give our names. Oh, here we go. Of course, our class saw this as an open goal to see what we could get away with. So one teacher totally accepted Eddie Murphy, did not flinch, but poor Will Shakespeare was told not to be so ridiculous and to give his real name.

• 36:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, but what, what, what's the thought process of naming your child William Shakespeare?

• 36:24Speaker 02

  It's mad. We'll keep trying, but this went on until he was sent out of the classroom and given a detention. Poor Will, thanks both, Jackie from Coventry. Hashtag PSPUSB, Cov fan.

• 36:38Speaker 03

  Pie up you Sky Blues.

• 36:40Speaker 02

  A new listener to Footballing Howl. Everyone do listen to Footballing Howl. Thank you.

• 36:44Speaker 03

  Check out the new thumbnails.

• 36:46Speaker 02

  Check out the new thumbnails.

• 36:51Speaker 06

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• 38:25Speaker 03

  I am talking of names.

• 38:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:28Speaker 03

  Two people come up to me at the boxing. I went to the boxing with Lou at the weekend.

• 38:32Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, how was the boxing with Lou?

• 38:33Speaker 03

  It was good. She enjoyed it. Got a bit stressed when people got punched. But we went, we were ringside, really good seats.

• 38:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:41Speaker 03

  And there was a lot of famous people there, quite exciting. Robin Van Persie, Noel Gallagher, Miles Kane, Matt Smith, Paddy Constantine, all these different people.

• 38:49Speaker 02

  He was there when we went to the boxing. He loves the boxing.

• 38:51Speaker 03

  He loves it. And Darren Fletcher was a football commentator. Anyway, a couple of people come up to me.

• 38:58Speaker 02

  I don't know if I'd recognise Darren Fletcher, the football commentator.

• 39:01Speaker 03

  You, as soon as he says hello, you recognise the voice.

• 39:04Speaker 02

  Right, of course, yeah, yeah, of course.

• 39:06Speaker 03

  Um.

• 39:06Speaker 02

  Did you before, be honest, before he said, hi, Rob, Darren Fletcher?

• 39:11Speaker 03

  I actually met him in Budapest at the TNT Sport Rap Party.

• 39:15Speaker 02

  Right.

• 39:16Speaker 03

  I've talked about that, haven't I?

• 39:17Speaker 02

  I'll tell you the new question. At the TNT Sport Rap Party?

• 39:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:24Speaker 03

  Well, I, he was sat next to Ally McCoish. And chatting, so like, it was, and I'm at the TNT Rap, so it's like.

• 39:33Speaker 02

  And he was chatting with one of those mics over his mouth.

• 39:35Speaker 03

  Big coat on. Mic right up to his lip. So it was like, it was in situ to be like.

• 39:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

• 39:43Speaker 03

  He's not going, I don't really recognise Adam Hills, but if I met him at the last leg Rap Party.

• 39:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

• 39:47Speaker 03

  And he had an Australian twang, like, you're on it. Anyway, so I'm there, guess who, two people come up to me. One, he goes, hi, it's, it's me, Sexy Stew. And I was like, what? He went from Celebs Go Dating and I was like, oh, it's a geezer that went on a date with a thinkfully Nolan.

• 40:06Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah.

• 40:07Speaker 03

  And I've obviously commentated on that.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  Ten years of work.

• 40:10Speaker 03

  Ten years I've been doing that shit.

• 40:11Speaker 02

  How many dates have you watched on that?

• 40:13Speaker 03

  Mate, we, one day, let's do it now. Go down the, this is a fun game. I've got to try and tell you every single person that's been on Celebs. And you know, I don't even think I can, there's too many.

• 40:25Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 40:27Speaker 03

  How many, what, yeah, ask Gemma how many people have been on it and then I can guess how many. Anyway, he came up to me and said hello.

• 40:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:35Speaker 03

  Lovely geezer.

• 40:36Speaker 02

  Why was he backstage at the boxing?

• 40:38Speaker 03

  Don't know, don't know.

• 40:40Speaker 02

  Not with his Celebs Go Dating hat on.

• 40:43Speaker 03

  That got him in, he must have.

• 40:44Speaker 02

  Fuck it up, Rob, there's a lot of apps of this.

• 40:47Speaker 03

  Twenty a series.

• 40:48Speaker 02

  So how many celebrities are there?

• 40:50Speaker 03

  Oh mate, hundreds.

• 40:54Speaker 02

  Okay, can you name any of the people in series one?

• 40:56Speaker 03

  Well, I can give, I could, I could just try and give you loads of people's names that have been on it.

• 41:01Speaker 02

  No, series one is what I'm looking for.

• 41:03Speaker 03

  Oh, fucking series one.

• 41:05Speaker 02

  Someone from Outnumbered?

• 41:07Speaker 03

  What? Someone from Outnumbered?

• 41:12Speaker 03

  The geezer, the plain citizen.

• 41:14Speaker 02

  Can you do this?

• 41:16Speaker 03

  No, what am I thinking of? I'm thinking.

• 41:18Speaker 02

  You're not, it's a Smith, you're thinking my family.

• 41:24Speaker 03

  My family, that's the same show, isn't it?

• 41:26Speaker 02

  Robert Lindsay.

• 41:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, Robert Lindsay's on the boat. Oh, Wolfie.

• 41:32Speaker 02

  So you want to make up.

• 41:39Speaker 03

  Oh, the kid, the kid from Outnumbered.

• 41:41Speaker 02

  The kid from Outnumbered, yeah, Tiger Drew Honey.

• 41:43Speaker 03

  Tiger Drew Honey, yeah.

• 41:45Speaker 02

  Someone from The Only Way Is Essex?

• 41:48Speaker 03

  Joey Essex?

• 41:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:50Speaker 03

  Oh, Stephanie Pratt was in it.

• 41:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, she was. She was listed as a television personality, which is a bit, made it difficult to give clues.

• 41:58Speaker 03

  Charlotte Crosby?

• 41:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay. Who's the only person that went from series one and reappeared in series two?

• 42:05Speaker 03

  Joey Essex.

• 42:06Speaker 02

  Correct.

• 42:07Speaker 03

  This is mental, I can't believe all these, Lee Ryan from Blue.

• 42:10Speaker 02

  Son of a footballer, series three.

• 42:12Speaker 03

  The geezer, the geezer that played Stuart Little in Stuart Little. And he also played the kid.

• 42:20Speaker 02

  The mouse?

• 42:20Speaker 03

  No, no, the, the, he's a grown man now, but the, no, the cute kid from Jerry Maguire. Lippenicki.

• 42:30Speaker 02

  The kid from Jerry Maguire?

• 42:31Speaker 03

  Jonathan Lippenicki, I think. Yeah, the kid from Jerry Maguire was in it.

• 42:35Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 42:36Speaker 03

  Anyway, Jonathan Cheban, I don't know, anyway.

• 42:40Speaker 02

  Oh, Toff was in one of them. She's done all right for herself since on the old Dating Game.

• 42:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, she's been in it.

• 42:45Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, Jonathan Lippenicki was in it.

• 42:47Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's the kid.

• 42:49Speaker 02

  Yeah. Anyway.

• 42:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, so a geezer comes to the boxing and went, you don't know who I am, but my kid said your name's an inch of.

• 42:58Speaker 02

  Oh, nice.

• 42:59Speaker 03

  Ages going, oh, and you, and he went, and you slagged off his name.

• 43:03Speaker 02

  Oh no.

• 43:04Speaker 03

  I was like, oh God. I went, what's he called? And he went, Wolfgang, I went, yeah, obviously.

• 43:13Speaker 03

  And he said, so, and he's, he's called Wolf, Wolfgang Sajad, I think Sajad, he's an Asian guy. So he's called Wolf and he lives in Chorley. And then apparently, and I don't even, it was so awful, because I was like, we chat and I forget people listen.

• 43:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course.

• 43:28Speaker 03

  This is a real kid and a real dad. And he said, apparently I said, you said, well, if you were called Wolfgang, what would you call yourself? And I said, a fucking victim.

• 43:37Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 43:39Speaker 03

  But he was laughing about it.

• 43:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's good.

• 43:41Speaker 03

  Quite awkward at the boxing.

• 43:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 43:44Speaker 03

  Am I going to get punched in the face by Wolfgang's dad? Actually getting beaten up by a bloke who's got a kid called Wolfgang.

• 43:49Speaker 02

  Is that rain?

• 43:51Speaker 03

  Maybe.

• 43:52Speaker 02

  Or is that the apocalypse?

• 43:55Speaker 03

  Could be both.

• 43:55Speaker 02

  Can you hear that?

• 43:57Speaker 03

  No.

• 43:59Speaker 02

  Oh no, Rose is running a bath.

• 44:03Speaker 02

  I don't think she can be, it's 10 to nine. They wouldn't be going up for a bath now. We haven't lost control that badly.

• 44:11Speaker 02

  Is it raining?

• 44:14Speaker 03

  Please look out the window.

• 44:17Speaker 03

  Michael, we're actually waiting for a live report to be this rain, what's happened, the wheels have come off here.

• 44:22Speaker 07

  It's like Andy McDowell in Four Weddings and a Funeral, is it raining? I didn't notice.

• 44:27Speaker 03

  I said the apocalypse. I mean, if you said to me, lethal weapon three pinball and Jonathan Lippenicki were getting brought up in this episode.

• 44:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool.

• 44:40Speaker 02

  You can really hear it on this bit of the house.

• 44:43Speaker 03

  Can you?

• 44:44Speaker 02

  Shouldn't have made it the podcast studio. Is that the first time we've podded in the rain?

• 44:49Speaker 02

  Can you hear it, Michael?

• 44:50Speaker 07

  No.

• 44:51Speaker 03

  Well, no, yeah, of course we've podded in the rain. In Exeter, it rained for 45 days in a row, didn't it?

• 44:55Speaker 02

  Of course it did, yeah.

• 44:56Speaker 03

  Um, right, do you want a boomer parenting story or beyond boomer grandparenting? Hiya, following on from your beyond boomer stories, e.g. tales of our parents' traumatic childhoods, which to be fair, do often beat our boomer stories. Anyway, my mum has many insane beyond boomer stories from the late 50s, early 60s. In this particular one, she was on holiday in Venice with her parents in 1961, aged nine. The reason they were in Venice was because her dad worked for the railways and had free travel around Europe, so they had amazing holidays.

• 45:28Speaker 02

  Heard about these people.

• 45:30Speaker 03

  But on this particular trip, she had horrific food poisoning. So her parents obviously did the sensible thing and left her in the room alone for the whole day while they went sightseeing.

• 45:42Speaker 02

  Oh my God.

• 45:43Speaker 03

  That is sad enough, leaving a nine-year-old alone in Venice with food poisoning. Unfortunately, it was a communal bathroom.

• 45:51Speaker 02

  Oh my God.

• 45:52Speaker 03

  So she had to go along to the corridor to get to the bathroom that she said everyone else on that floor, but that wasn't the worst bit.

• 46:00Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 46:02Speaker 02

  She's going to shit herself or something, isn't she? Something awful.

• 46:05Speaker 03

  Nothing would prepare you for what's, what's happening in this next line of this email. Along the corridor, there was a live chained up monkey.

• 46:18Speaker 03

  So every time she had to rush to the toilet to throw up, she would have to go by this terrified monkey that would scream at her alone in a hotel in Venice, aged nine. Obviously, she had no way of contacting her parents during that day while they were out.

• 46:33Speaker 02

  Oh my God.

• 46:33Speaker 03

  She just spent her time rushing terrified past the screaming monkey to be sick.

• 46:40Speaker 02

  Just give her a bucket at least.

• 46:42Speaker 03

  Also as well, you're walking around canals, just vomiting the canals.

• 46:46Speaker 02

  Apparently, I've never been, but apparently Venice stinks.

• 46:49Speaker 03

  In summer, not in winter.

• 46:51Speaker 02

  In summer, right.

• 46:52Speaker 03

  It's better to go in autumn or spring.

• 46:54Speaker 02

  Right.

• 46:55Speaker 03

  Thanks for making the never-ending thrill of parenting a bit less lonely.

• 46:58Speaker 02

  That is wild.

• 46:59Speaker 03

  Claire, aged four, 187 months.

• 47:01Speaker 02

  That is.

• 47:01Speaker 03

  Why don't you just go out separately?

• 47:03Speaker 02

  Was that 1961?

• 47:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's early in Venice, isn't it?

• 47:07Speaker 02

  That is wild.

• 47:08Speaker 03

  That's like early travel, who went to Venice in 1961?

• 47:11Speaker 02

  Fair play, but free train travel.

• 47:13Speaker 03

  Who also had a live monkey?

• 47:16Speaker 02

  I kind of love the idea of just having a train ticket. Do you know, my dream when we retire is to, and I'm not going to retire.

• 47:26Speaker 03

  Come on, what's the dream?

• 47:27Speaker 02

  To do the Orient Express.

• 47:29Speaker 03

  That, Josh, I'm telling you now, you're doing that as a travel series when you're 59.

• 47:34Speaker 02

  But I want to do it.

• 47:35Speaker 03

  That has got Channel Five written all over it. Their commitment to giving 50 to 60-year-old comedians' train travel logs is second to none. Griffree Jones fucking loves it.

• 47:49Speaker 02

  But what I'd love to do, Rob, is to do it without a camera crew, but with my wife, Lou, at that point.

• 47:56Speaker 03

  Also, when you're 60, you're a comedian, like Griffree Jones. He, I, he don't put any effort in to be funny either. He just sort of just goes, yeah, so we're on the train now to Venice. And then just looks out the window and they cut to loads of scenery. You don't have to be funny.

• 48:11Speaker 02

  And I, I say this as someone who is a huge fan of Griffree Jones's work. He has so much money. He doesn't need, he could just go, just go, don't take the camera crew.

• 48:24Speaker 03

  Well, he, he is funny, but he doesn't even need to be because the whole setup is, is look out the window and see the scenery.

• 48:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:32Speaker 03

  Tony Robinson does one as well.

• 48:34Speaker 02

  Of course he does, of course he fucking does.

• 48:36Speaker 03

  You'll be on it, Orient Express. What, you can just go on the Orient Express with Rose, can't you, as a holiday? Why do you have to do that when you retire?

• 48:43Speaker 02

  It's, it's the lethal weapon three pinball of, of holiday day to cost ratio. It's insane.

• 48:50Speaker 03

  Well, does it go across the whole of Europe?

• 48:51Speaker 02

  Honestly, Rob, the money is insane.

• 48:54Speaker 03

  Where should we go? Paris to Venice, that's probably, that's a good one to do, isn't it?

• 48:58Speaker 02

  Well, yeah.

• 48:59Speaker 03

  Five grand per adult for one night.

• 49:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, mental.

• 49:04Speaker 03

  Are you on it most of the time? You're on it, it's dark.

• 49:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, do that as a TV show.

• 49:11Speaker 03

  I can't believe that.

• 49:12Speaker 02

  It's mad. Thank you very much for listening. Uh, we will see you next week.

• 49:16Speaker 03

  You've got to pay for drinks on that train. So I see you next week.

• 49:21Speaker 02

  Right, see you later.

• 49:28Speaker 06

  The award-winning series The Diplomat is back for its fourth season. Now streaming only on Netflix. Keri Russell stars as Kate Wyler. In a stunning realisation, Kate connects the dots that Russia's most powerful weapon is missing. And her husband Hal conspired with President Grace Penn in a dangerous plan to steal it, all behind her back. Kate is left reeling as she begins to question Hal's growing relationship with President Penn. Emmy winner Alison Janney returns with Rufus Sewell and Bradley Whitford. Watch The Diplomat, now playing only on Netflix.