Pod Insights Pablo Torre Finds Out Share & Hamburger & Tell with Michael Cruz Kayne and Katie Nolan About this episode In another edition of Share & Tell, Pablo, Katie Nolan, and Michael Cruz Kayne dissect an evening they spent together; the secrets of taping comedy specials; vasectomies; peak Britney Spears; and the legend of Alonzo “Hamburger” Jones. Plus: mewing, boofing, rooves, Wendy Wetface, Japanese Student No. 9 and Lancelot Link, Secret Chimp.
• Previously: “How Science Ruined Grief,” with Michael Cruz Kayne https://www.pablo.show/p/how-science-ruined-grief
• Subscribe to "Casuals with Katie Nolan"
https://www.youtube.com/katienolan
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Transcript 10,960 words · 16 speakers
Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:01 Speaker 00 Welcome to 215 Maple Drive. We just put this property on the market.
0:06 Speaker 01 Love the crown molding.
0:08 Speaker 00 Oh, wait until you see the walk-in closets and the bathroom tile.
0:12 Speaker 01 Does it have Verizon FiOS? You know, 100% fiber internet?
0:16 Speaker 00 No FiOS, but it looks like it's got cable. Let's check out the kitchen.
0:19 Speaker 01 No FiOS? Yeah... no thank you.
0:22 Speaker 00 Don't you want to see the rest? Okay, bye-bye.
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1:02 Pablo Torre? This episode is brought to you by Apollo.io. A lot of the stories on this show start the same way. Something that looks pretty simple turns out to be a mess once you look under the hood. Well, it's no different in the sales world. Your team has a tool for finding prospects, a different tool for reaching out to them, and a third for keeping track of it all. On paper, that's a system. In practice, it's a salesperson spending the better part of the day copying names from one tab into another, and not much of it actually selling. Apollo.io is a platform that helps sales teams find the right buyers and reach out to them. It brings prospecting, outreach, and follow-up into one place instead of several separate tools. It's used by sales teams of all sizes,
1:46 Pablo Torre? from small businesses to larger organizations, and it's built for teams who want less manual busywork and more time with buyers. If your marketing and sales teams are trying to work from the same view of the customer, it's worth a look. Sign up for free at Apollo.io. That's Apollo.io. I'm Pablo Torre, and this episode of Pablo Torre Finds Out is brought to you by Remy Martin 1738 Accord Royale, exceptionally smooth cognac for all your game day festivities. Please drink responsibly, because today, we're going to find out what this sound is.
2:21 Speaker 05 Hamburger!
2:25 Pablo Torre? Right after this ad.
2:33 Pablo Torre? Are you just hanging out with the crew? Just hanging out?
2:37 Speaker 05 Hey, what's up? Oh, yeah, you interrupted some heavy [BLEEP].
2:40 Speaker 07 I was hoping it would be cold in here.
2:42 Speaker 05 It's not. It's not, it's not, it's not hot.
2:44 Speaker 07 Yeah, but I planned that it would be cold, so I brought like a little sweater. But I'm not ready to, it's, none of this matters. I'm just not ready to be full cropped tank top on camera yet.
2:53 Speaker 05 Right.
2:54 Speaker 07 Right? So I brought a little sweater, now I'm gonna sweat through it. Cause it's not that cold in here. It's so hot outside.
3:01 Pablo Torre? For people who aren't in New York, I don't know if they appreciate the thickness.
3:06 Speaker 07 You know what I never appreciated?
3:07 Pablo Torre? Of the air.
3:08 Speaker 07 As much as I should have, and I know that now? Hair and makeup departments. Cause those are gone here. And now I have to, mm. Now I have to do it myself and then get on the subway and come here.
3:20 Speaker 05 And sweat it off, baby.
3:21 Speaker 07 It's, I look crazy now, I'm not dewy, I'm hot. It's so hot. And someone used to fix that for me. And I said, thank you, I know I always did, but I should have given her a little kiss. That's how grateful I should have been. Because now it's all my responsibility.
3:37 Speaker 05 I could never make myself look better. There's nothing that, there's nothing that happens in the morning where that I see that is wrong, that I have any aptitude to correct in any way.
3:46 Speaker 07 And I envy that. I wish I didn't constantly have forced in my face how I could be improving my face. Cause then on days where I'm like, I need to improve myself. Let me go ahead and learn how to do, and then you show someone and they do their 17-step concealer routine and you're like, I just wanted it to be more.
4:03 Speaker 05 It's like, this is what I did, all this to, like, look at my natural look. And it's like 12,000 different layers of something.
4:10 Speaker 07 Yeah, I just am bad at it, and I never had to be good at it. And suddenly I do, and I'm older.
4:15 Pablo Torre? What is, what is the ideal level of moisture? Is it dewy?
4:18 Speaker 07 I'd like to be soaking wet. I think the ideal level for me, good job both of you, they just made eye contact with each other.
4:25 Speaker 05 I'm, I'm leaving it.
4:26 Speaker 07 I think I'd like to just be drenched.
4:28 Speaker 05 I, I, isn't there like a glass, isn't glassy or something?
4:31 Speaker 07 Glass skin is a thing, yeah.
4:32 Speaker 05 Glass skin.
4:33 Speaker 07 That's a, I believe that was, origins of that are Korean skincare.
4:36 Speaker 05 Ah, of course, of course, okay. Are you about to do a little TED Talk for us?
4:40 Speaker 07 No. But I could, is the point. And shouldn't I not have to?
4:45 Speaker 05 Yeah, you know what? You're right.
4:47 Speaker 07 Thank you.
4:47 Speaker 05 We're not gonna talk about this anymore for women.
4:50 Speaker 07 You guys, what were you talking about? Something serious?
4:51 Pablo Torre? Did we explain what we did? Because I feel like this is an important...
4:55 Speaker 07 Why is this chair like this? Every time I come here, it's different. What's wrong?
4:59 Speaker 05 What's funny about that is, before you got here, Pablo's chair was reclining too much.
5:04 Speaker 07 That's this.
5:05 Speaker 05 Is that correct? And my chair was reclining hardly at all. And I was perfectly happy with it. Pablo went around Goldilocks-ing all the chairs, and I told him the chair that I was in was the most erect of all the chairs. So he made a big show of shuffling, three-card Monte-style, all the chairs until he got the one he wanted.
5:25 Pablo Torre? Turgeon.
5:25 Speaker 05 You are sitting in this chair angle.
5:26 Speaker 07 And this is like the last lady to show up to the house on the reality show. I get whatever bedroom is left.
5:31 Speaker 05 That's right.
5:32 Speaker 07 So the chair that nobody wanted
5:34 Speaker 05 Wendy Wetface showed up 20 minutes late, and now she's in the lay-down chair.
5:39 Speaker 07 And in none of these steps, did anyone go, "How do we fix the chair?"
5:42 Speaker 05 I said to Pablo, "There must be a way."
5:44 Pablo Torre? You guys are looking at the wrong guy.
5:46 Speaker 07 There must be, and who [bleeped] it up in the first place? This isn't like you share this with that many people. What?
5:50 Pablo Torre? Well...
5:50 Speaker 07 I can't be on my mark, because then when I go to sit...
5:54 Speaker 05 I think this is, this is actually kind of, your attitude is reflective of like the makeup thing too, where you're like, "I should try and fix this."
6:02 Speaker 07 I'm fed up.
6:02 Speaker 05 Whereas both of us are like, "It can't be done." I don't wanna learn.
6:05 Speaker 07 I'm sick of trying to fix everything. Is, what would you rather? I sit, try to sit straight up the whole time like this?
6:11 Speaker 05 That's what I'm doing.
6:14 Pablo Torre? Wow.
6:16 Speaker 07 I take it offensively.
6:17 Pablo Torre? We're being told the chair isn't the problem by Nadir behind the glass.
6:21 Speaker 07 Okay, I'll sit in the chair then, as intended. How's this? Is this audio good?
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8:14 Speaker 09 Hi, I'm Jenna Ashkowitz. You might know me from Glee. This is At the Table, the food allergy podcast, a show about food, connection, and what it really looks like to live with food allergies. Each episode, we hear stories from real people like Daniel.
8:28 Speaker 10 People would always think I was lactose intolerant, so I just kind of shortened my explanation to I'm deathly allergic, in a big way that defined a lot of my childhood.
8:39 Speaker 09 And while there are challenges, there are moments that remind you you're not alone.
8:44 Speaker 11 One of the best guys that I dated, he made a point to memorize all my food allergies.
8:50 Speaker 09 So join us and hear their stories and more, because living with food allergies isn't just about what you can't eat, it's about still having your seat at the table. Brought to you by Genentech and Novartis. Listen to At the Table, the food allergy podcast, on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Follow At the Table and start listening on the free iHeartRadio app today.
9:17 Speaker 07 We are one of the top 100 podcasts of all time.
9:22 Speaker 05 And I think it's because of stuff like this.
9:23 Speaker 07 Yes, and as Pablo pointed out last night to me, people forget that means not only all time back, it means all time in the future.
9:30 Speaker 05 That's right, forever.
9:31 Speaker 07 So we are one of the best and no one can take that away.
9:34 Pablo Torre? No matter what happens here today.
9:36 Speaker 05 And it was put out by Time magazines, right?
9:38 Speaker 07 Is that who it was? Time magazines?
9:39 Speaker 05 So if anyone has a concept of like what they were saying.
9:42 Pablo Torre? Future Time Magazine, Past Time Magazine, as well as Present Time Magazine, all the Time Magazines.
9:46 Speaker 05 Multiverse magazines, and all of them, on every timeline.
9:49 Speaker 07 Because of these episodes is what they wrote.
9:52 Speaker 05 Yeah.
9:53 Pablo Torre? Definitely.
9:53 Speaker 07 In the description, they said, that Katie Nolan.
9:56 Pablo Torre? They definitely did not throw shade at these episodes.
9:58 Speaker 07 No, they didn't say like, it's crazy how dumb he can be sometimes with his dumb friends.
10:03 Speaker 05 The two idiots show up sometimes.
10:04 Speaker 07 And then be brilliant. We were equally dumb on something last night, but I can't remember what it was now to call you out.
10:11 Pablo Torre? You were, oh, it was, it was, is there? I remember what it was, actually. I don't know if I want to say it.
10:17 Speaker 07 Don't say it, because I don't think it's that. I'm thinking of something else.
10:20 Pablo Torre? It's not, are there female urologists?
10:24 Speaker 07 No, it might have been that.
10:25 Pablo Torre? Or are there urologists for women?
10:27 Speaker 07 Right. Is urologists what you guys go to when we go to the gynecologist?
10:32 Speaker 05 I don't know when you do that.
10:33 Speaker 07 Do you go to a penis doctor every year?
10:35 Speaker 05 I do not go to a penis doctor every year.
10:37 Speaker 07 You guys don't have to get your junk checked?
10:38 Speaker 05 I have been, I have been to a urologist.
10:40 Speaker 07 By an extra doctor? Boy, we are being robbed by the system.
10:43 Pablo Torre? Sometimes science is like, we just gotta check in with the greatest of all time? And so they do annually make me come in, but other than that. I think it's just a meme thing.
10:53 Speaker 05 I have been to a urologist.
10:54 Speaker 07 They just want to see it.
10:55 Speaker 05 Yeah, to get a, say it with me, vasectomy.
10:58 Speaker 07 Okay.
10:58 Speaker 05 But I have not been to a urologist for any other reason.
11:02 Speaker 07 Was it scary?
11:03 Speaker 05 Uh, it was scary, but the actual thing itself was not, it was, I mean, it didn't feel good. I didn't like how it felt.
11:08 Speaker 07 I didn't think it felt good.
11:09 Speaker 05 And I was scared for it to happen.
11:11 Speaker 07 Didn't know if like, it was one of those things that you got really scared for? And then when it happened, you were like, it really wasn't that bad?
11:17 Speaker 05 I wasn't that scared for it until I was going there. And then you're like, well, everyone's saying all this stuff, but on your way there, you're like, they could fully, like, you know, anything could happen.
11:25 Speaker 07 Sure.
11:25 Speaker 05 I'm basically, I'm paying someone to break.
11:26 Speaker 07 You could be [BLEEP]less.
11:27 Speaker 05 Yes, I could be.
11:27 Speaker 07 I'm sure that would be tough to do.
11:28 Pablo Torre? This is my LASIK.
11:30 Speaker 07 Yeah.
11:30 Pablo Torre? Concern.
11:31 Speaker 07 That's why I'm not doing it. Because if they F up, I'm screwed. I need my eyeballs.
11:35 Speaker 05 It's like they're doing Lasik but on your penis.
11:37 Speaker 07 Right.
11:37 Speaker 05 Yes?
11:37 Speaker 07 And you don't really need them.
11:39 Speaker 05 Yeah, exactly.
11:39 Speaker 07 It's kind of what all this is about.
11:41 Speaker 05 So you go, you go to the thing and they have for no good reason, a hot woman do the, do the.
11:49 Speaker 07 Maybe that's just you specifically. Maybe you just had a hot woman.
11:51 Speaker 05 No, I think it's everybody.
11:52 Speaker 07 I don't think they legally, like a Hooters, they go, this is what we hire based on.
11:55 Speaker 05 It's in the Hippocratic oath.
11:56 Pablo Torre? Because they're like, this is why you're doing this.
11:58 Speaker 07 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
11:59 Pablo Torre? Like you want to, yes.
12:01 Speaker 05 And so, and then, and then they, they, they do it. They do it. You're awake when they do it.
12:05 Speaker 07 Ooh.
12:05 Speaker 05 But I don't think you have to be awake, but I requested.
12:08 Speaker 07 You chose. You said, please, I'd like to watch.
12:09 Speaker 05 Actually, I didn't know until I spoke to another friend that I could have been asleep. But that's like sometimes.
12:14 Pablo Torre? So were you watching it?
12:15 Speaker 05 I was not watching it.
12:15 Speaker 07 You're like, give me. Oh, careful, careful, I like that part.
12:18 Pablo Torre? Give me the mirror. Give me the mirror.
12:20 Speaker 07 How do they, they go in it? They go in through the front?
12:22 Speaker 05 They go, no, they, it's, it's all, it's all in the down. It's, it's none of it, none of it's happening in the tube.
12:27 Speaker 07 Starts up here and go, what? Oh, in the, in the.
12:29 Pablo Torre? What's the point of entry?
12:30 Speaker 07 Balls?
12:31 Speaker 05 It's happening someplace, it's happening someplace near the balls.
12:36 Speaker 05 It's happening around there, you know?
12:37 Speaker 07 Okay, sure.
12:38 Speaker 05 And there's, there's like a, there's a snipping and like, can you hold this? It was like that kind of thing.
12:41 Speaker 07 You had to hold it?
12:42 Speaker 05 Did I? I don't think so. No, the doctor and the, and the woman, that she, he's like, you know, do this.
12:46 Speaker 07 I'm sure she's also got a title.
12:48 Pablo Torre? The doctor and the woman.
12:49 Speaker 07 The doctor and the lady.
12:50 Speaker 05 Well, she's just not the doctor, whatever she is.
12:51 Speaker 07 She a nurse?
12:52 Speaker 05 I don't think she's a nurse. I don't think she was a nurse.
12:54 Pablo Torre? Isn't this the answer to a very famous riddle? Is that the doctor is the mother?
12:58 Speaker 05 I think she's like, oh, there's a fuzz on here. I think she's like a penile assistant or something. I don't know what she is.
13:03 Speaker 07 I bet she's not.
13:04 Speaker 05 In fact, you're probably correct that she is not that.
13:05 Speaker 07 She's not a penile assistant.
13:07 Speaker 05 So that's the, and then you, you have it and then it's not that, it's, it's uncomfortable for a little, for a while. But not that big a deal. I didn't think, for me. I would like, I walked out and went home and wasn't like.
13:19 Speaker 07 Did you drive yourself home?
13:20 Speaker 05 I took the subway home.
13:21 Speaker 07 Oh, okay, yeah.
13:22 Speaker 05 And I had a, you know, some, a bag of frozen peas that I would put by my.
13:27 Speaker 07 Peas on your pee.
13:28 Speaker 05 Unfrozen peas, come on.
13:29 Speaker 07 That's right, that's right.
13:30 Pablo Torre? You're just walking around with frozen peas?
13:32 Speaker 05 Well, I was at home for the, I wasn't.
13:34 Pablo Torre? Post subway?
13:35 Speaker 05 Yes, that's right. When I got home, I had frozen peas at the ready. And then I put them onto my balls and that's.
13:43 Speaker 07 Stop, stop.
13:43 Speaker 05 You start, you made me say it.
13:45 Speaker 07 I didn't make you look at me.
13:46 Pablo Torre? That is how you pronounce it though.
13:47 Speaker 07 I didn't make you look at me.
13:48 Speaker 05 And then, and then that's what it was for however, however long, not that long.
13:52 Pablo Torre? There is a female urology.
13:54 Speaker 07 Oh, so another doctor I'm supposed to be going to all the time?
13:57 Pablo Torre? Yeah.
13:57 Speaker 07 How about that button?
13:58 Pablo Torre? You should, you should get that checked out, I think.
14:00 Speaker 07 My, my Euro? My Euro?
14:04 Speaker 05 Uh, wait, so there, oh, there is a urologist, women do also go to the urologist.
14:08 Pablo Torre? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:08 Speaker 07 So it's just a specialist you get sent to, it's not your, you guys don't have a yearly check-in, that's crazy.
14:13 Pablo Torre? A female urologist can be referred to as a Euro-gynecologist, or specifically be called a female-
14:17 Speaker 05 And that's like a gynecologist from Europe, come on.
14:19 Speaker 07 Right, right, right.
14:20 Speaker 05 She's got a funny accent.
14:21 Speaker 07 What's the conversion rate?
14:22 Pablo Torre? Uh, you, uh, it's, it's when Manu Ginobili decided to import-
14:25 Speaker 05 I like this, I like this a lot.
14:27 Pablo Torre? The overseas style to urology, they said.
14:29 Speaker 07 Whatever's happening with my chair is upsetting, I, um-
14:31 Speaker 05 You're doing a good job.
14:32 Speaker 07 No, I'm not.
14:33 Pablo Torre? This is definitely a natural posture that people do.
14:35 Speaker 07 I'm having a hard time adjusting to the inability to sit back, but the need to sit up perfectly straight the whole time.
14:41 Speaker 05 Top 100.
14:42 Speaker 07 It's like doing it on a stool, I'm having a hard time, and I was always told you should speak up for your feelings.
14:47 Speaker 05 That's brave.
14:48 Speaker 07 And that's my feeling, and I'm gonna, here's what I'm gonna try, what if I sit forward on the chair, like that, is that okay?
14:54 Speaker 05 That's kinda what I'm doing, I'm kind of, I'm kind of on the ridge.
14:57 Speaker 07 Yeah, because sitting back there makes me wanna lean back, and then I'm laying down.
15:00 Speaker 05 If you cross a certain, like, tropic of whatever here, you're go, you're all the way.
15:03 Speaker 07 Right, exactly.
15:04 Speaker 05 Yeah, but I'm up, I'm up.
15:05 Speaker 07 You can cut this out, here's the other thing.
15:06 Speaker 05 Nope.
15:07 Speaker 07 Sometimes I assume this all's getting cut out, and then I'll check back, and then someone will write it in the comments, and I go, "That's in?"
15:14 Speaker 07 I didn't think that was the podcast. I thought that was us talking about the podcast.
15:19 Speaker 05 Oh, no.
15:20 Pablo Torre? No, this is, most of the podcast is this.
15:22 Speaker 07 Yeah.
15:23 Speaker 05 And it's great, I'm having, I'm having time in my life, and so are you.
15:25 Speaker 07 I'm happy to be here.
15:26 Speaker 05 The viewer and listener at home.
15:27 Speaker 07 And what were we to talk, what were we meant to talk about?
15:30 Pablo Torre? Um, all-
15:30 Speaker 07 Oh, your show!
15:32 Speaker 05 That's where, we were there, we were there.
15:35 Speaker 07 We were there, and then I took it, is that my water?
15:38 Speaker 05 It's not mine.
15:39 Speaker 07 Well, it's mine.
15:41 Speaker 05 I'm ready. Okay, we can, 3, 2, 1, and the show. This show I meant.
15:46 Pablo Torre? I, I want to establish that Katie and I had an outing.
15:50 Speaker 07 Mm-hmm.
15:51 Speaker 05 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
15:51 Pablo Torre? We showed up on a line.
15:53 Speaker 05 Yes.
15:53 Pablo Torre? It was very long. We saw-
15:55 Speaker 07 Really long line. Way to big up everybody you know.
15:57 Speaker 05 I do li- I do like that there was a long line and you had to wait outside in like a thousand degrees.
16:01 Speaker 07 Thousand degrees. And if you went up and you said, "I might, I don't mean to imply I'm special, but I might be on like a friend and family."
16:08 Pablo Torre? No, no, no.
16:09 Speaker 07 Friend and family line, right here. And I said-
16:11 Pablo Torre? The, the, the, the inner circle friend and family one.
16:14 Speaker 07 I was like, "No, no, the ne- yeah, the next tier, I think, where we get to go inside."
16:18 Pablo Torre? The favorites. Where is the favorites line?
16:21 Speaker 07 Like where his kids are. I think where that.
16:23 Pablo Torre? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
16:23 Speaker 05 I, they did come to me before the show with a list of all the people who were attending.
16:27 Speaker 07 Mm-hmm.
16:28 Speaker 05 And they were like, and I was like, "I just don't have time to like, to go through who everybody is, so I just wish you the best."
16:33 Speaker 07 No, yeah.
16:34 Speaker 05 And then I think they let my parents in and my wife's parents in.
16:38 Speaker 07 As they should.
16:38 Speaker 05 And they might have been like, "F*** all y'all."
16:40 Pablo Torre? And I was like, holding up the Bill Belichick episodes and I was like-
16:43 Speaker 07 Right, right, right, right.
16:45 Speaker 05 Top 100.
16:46 Pablo Torre? What about?
16:47 Speaker 07 And I kept going, "I don't know, Pablo Torre, but I bet you're gonna find out."
16:52 Pablo Torre? No one, no one.
16:53 Speaker 07 Nothing, nothing.
16:55 Speaker 05 Nothing was found out.
16:55 Speaker 07 Nobody cared at all.
16:58 Pablo Torre? Very empty response.
16:59 Speaker 07 At all.
17:00 Pablo Torre? But the, the line for Michael Cruz Kayne's special, which taped-
17:04 Speaker 05 Yes.
17:04 Pablo Torre? In New York City.
17:05 Speaker 05 That's right.
17:06 Pablo Torre? Amid the thickness of this air.
17:09 Speaker 05 Mm-hmm. And the hot, hot heat.
17:11 Speaker 07 Pee soup.
17:11 Pablo Torre? It was a thing that I want to take people inside of, not from the perspective of like spoiling your show, which is-
17:17 Speaker 05 Okay, okay.
17:19 Pablo Torre? How would you wanna, what should we say about the show without having to dive into the specific?
17:25 Speaker 05 Cause we have already done, you have, you and I have done a full episode about this show.
17:29 Pablo Torre? So, here's a setup. Michael came into the studio to do an episode about his show last year?
17:36 Speaker 05 Maybe, something like that. A year ago, yeah.
17:38 Pablo Torre? Katie had never seen it.
17:39 Speaker 07 Yeah.
17:40 Pablo Torre? And so part of my excitement was for Katie to get to experience it.
17:44 Speaker 05 Mm-hmm.
17:44 Pablo Torre? But I also think it was a conversation around what it's actually like at a momentous sort of moment when you are needing to get this on tape for the world.
17:54 Speaker 05 Yeah.
17:54 Pablo Torre? Because taping a special, as Katie also has experience with.
17:58 Speaker 07 A second hand, again, still both times.
18:00 Pablo Torre? Well.
18:01 Speaker 07 Here and there. I've never taped a special.
18:03 Pablo Torre? Well, it doesn't mean you don't have experience-
18:04 Speaker 07 Yet. No, I'm kidding. Please.
18:05 Pablo Torre? With the process.
18:06 Speaker 05 I can see you, I can see you taping a special. Absolutely.
18:09 Speaker 07 Everything I tape is special.
18:12 Speaker 07 I don't know which camera to look at, so I'm quickly looking between the two cameras.
18:15 Pablo Torre? Yeah, that's the one.
18:15 Speaker 07 Which means ensuring neither of them get a good shot.
18:20 Speaker 07 I think it's this one.
18:21 Pablo Torre? I want to establish that our emotional, sort of like, valence was super amped for you.
18:28 Speaker 05 Mm-hmm. I felt that.
18:29 Pablo Torre? Did you?
18:30 Speaker 05 The vibes in the house were nuts.
18:31 Speaker 07 I whooped a lot.
18:32 Speaker 05 I love a whoop.
18:33 Pablo Torre? So briefly, can you say what your show is about?
18:37 Speaker 07 And then we can...
18:38 Speaker 05 You're doing just "yeah"?
18:39 Speaker 07 Yeah! Isn't that weird?
18:41 Speaker 05 Um, it's nice.
18:42 Speaker 07 Yeah!
18:43 Speaker 05 It's very nice. I appreciate a "yeah", but I mean, I feel like a good whoop.
18:47 Speaker 07 Yeah, when someone's coming out...
18:48 Pablo Torre? I try to stay in my register.
18:50 Speaker 07 Yeah!
18:50 Speaker 05 You know what it is? I think he's right. You gotta be true to yourself. You can't step outside of your own body.
18:54 Pablo Torre? I was actually saying stuff to be noticed by me later on the re-watch when it gets...
18:59 Speaker 05 You were shouting your own name really loudly.
19:01 Speaker 07 Yeah, Pablo heckled him during the show. It was crazy. I was like, "This is a tape!"
19:05 Speaker 05 It's me! There was one point...
19:07 Speaker 07 I mean, I almost threw up at that moment. I was like, "Why is this happening?!"
19:13 Speaker 05 There was a moment, also in the show, where someone loudly shouted "what"? Do you remember that?
19:18 Speaker 07 Yes.
19:19 Speaker 05 It was my sister.
19:20 Speaker 07 I was gonna say, "It was perfect."
19:21 Speaker 05 And she has seen the show a thousand times.
19:23 Speaker 07 That's crazy.
19:24 Speaker 05 A thousand times.
19:24 Speaker 07 But it did play perfectly.
19:25 Speaker 05 Literally nuts for her to be like, "Wait, what?" It's like, "You know, I've talked to you about this a lot."
19:30 Speaker 07 I've had to tell you this. You've surely seen this before.
19:33 Pablo Torre? There was a moment outside, before we got inside, when someone who was not in line...
19:38 Speaker 05 Mm-hmm.
19:38 Pablo Torre? Was like, "What are you guys waiting for?"
19:41 Speaker 05 Yeah.
19:42 Speaker 07 I'm socially awkward sometimes, okay? And I'm sitting with my friend Pablo. We're doing a podcast, no record. So it's just a hang.
19:51 Pablo Torre? We're just...
19:51 Speaker 07 But we're usually used to having a third party, and there's no one to put a show on for. We're talking to each other. It's going fine. And a woman's like, "Hey, what are you all in line for?" And I went, "A show." And that's it. That's all I said.
20:06 Pablo Torre? Daring them to follow up.
20:07 Speaker 07 A show? Why did I say that? Why wasn't I like, "Oh, our friend Michael has this show. It's called..." Instead, I just went, "A show." And she went, "Okay, which show?"
20:17 Speaker 05 Yeah, expectantly. She was waiting for more info.
20:19 Speaker 07 And I went...
20:20 Pablo Torre? And I...
20:21 Speaker 07 And I pointed at Pablo!
20:22 Pablo Torre? I dove in front of Katie like a Secret Service agent in front of the president. And I was like, "It's Michael Cruz Kayne. He's a friend of ours, and it is a show about..."
20:32 Speaker 07 Great.
20:32 Speaker 05 Grief.
20:32 Speaker 07 We're allowed to say.
20:34 Speaker 05 You can say it. They will, you're allowed to say that on the air.
20:37 Speaker 07 Isn't that like the subtext, don't we all know? I feel like you've gotta know.
20:39 Speaker 05 People know.
20:40 Speaker 07 Everyone has to know.
20:40 Speaker 05 Whoever, whoever would want to know, knows.
20:43 Speaker 07 Have you ever given the little speech, sorry to call it a little speech?
20:47 Speaker 05 You ever give your lil' speech?
20:49 Speaker 07 Why you doing your lil' show? Have you ever done the thing where you say like, if you, if you didn't realize this is what the show was, you can go now? Has anyone ever gone?
20:56 Speaker 05 No one has ever gone.
20:57 Speaker 07 Good.
20:57 Speaker 05 But what I will say is that I've had people like, especially early versions of the show, I had people straight fall asleep. So just like, just like someone close to the front, like absolutely, I mean, not even, not even into the show. I'm like, I've just started. I'm out there, I just get there, sound asleep.
21:14 Speaker 07 Oh, that feels, that's better. At least you're not taking offense.
21:16 Speaker 05 I also had one time, and this is not really relevant to your question. Wait, so that, that's just the general sleepiness, that's a narcolepsy on there.
21:22 Speaker 07 That person was tired, exactly. That person could have a condition.
21:25 Speaker 05 But it's possible that I like come out and immediately they're like, don't want this, I'm sound asleep.
21:28 Speaker 07 Right.
21:29 Speaker 05 And we're out. Yeah, right away, I'm kinda getting a look, I'm tired from seeing him. And then also vaguely related to this, one time a guy farted so loud for a long time.
21:41 Speaker 07 Oh, no.
21:41 Speaker 05 During like a part of the show, so the show is like.
21:43 Speaker 07 The Scotty Scheffler, as we all know.
21:45 Speaker 05 Yes, exactly. The show is, um, you know, so funny, but also like there's, there's a lot of sad [BLEEP]. And in the part where you're like, please don't fart now, if you could, there could be a part of the show.
21:55 Speaker 07 Oh, no.
21:56 Speaker 05 Where you'd be like, if you have to fart, fart before, after this part.
21:59 Speaker 07 Of all the times, don't fart here.
22:00 Speaker 05 This dude is ripping it.
22:02 Speaker 07 Um, one long fart or a bunch of little farts?
22:05 Speaker 05 Boop, boop, boop, boop-a-doo. I mean, I didn't mean to sing that. But it is like, it was a rhythmic extended amount of [BLEEP] ripping.
22:14 Speaker 07 A lot of people do call that your third eye down there.
22:17 Speaker 05 What you're suggesting though, that he was, he was trying to stop. He might have been, if the, the.
22:22 Speaker 07 The cheeks were closing, but the air couldn't be stopped.
22:25 Speaker 05 He was farting his third eye blind, if you will.
22:30 Speaker 05 And so, and so, uh, what is your response? Man, with that, you just gotta keep going.
22:36 Speaker 07 You can't acknowledge.
22:38 Speaker 05 No acknowledgement.
22:38 Speaker 07 Can't acknowledge.
22:39 Speaker 05 Because I also don't know, you don't know who, how many people hear it in the room.
22:43 Speaker 07 Right.
22:43 Speaker 05 You know what I mean? So then it's like, am I gonna, I gotta make this thing that's only happening to like six people and me happen to everybody in here? Especially in a time of the show where it's like, it's really gonna take us out of it.
22:53 Speaker 07 Right, and they may be embarrassed and this could be a whole thing.
22:56 Speaker 05 How do I pivot from this to?
22:58 Speaker 07 You need to stay focused in this moment.
23:00 Speaker 05 Instead, instead of like drawing focus to this guy's IBS, I'm just gonna like keep on rocking.
23:05 Speaker 07 Cause you look forward to the line where you have to go, now back to thing that I had just said that was heavy.
23:10 Speaker 05 Exactly. I did have also, one time a guy passed out in the show during a, during a quite sad part, and we had to stop the show. We had to stop the show, I had to leave the stage. And you're responsible for that. And they had to call 911 and have like the guy got an ambulance and went to the hospital.
23:28 Speaker 07 Oh my god.
23:28 Speaker 05 And I had to come out and be like, so, how you guys doing? And then just kinda pick right back up. But the audience was there for it and it went great.
23:38 Speaker 07 Yeah.
23:38 Speaker 05 I think honestly, some, when it's stuff like that, that you absolutely can't control, for me, because I came up maybe doing improv, the chaos of it is actually kind of cool. I like it when some [BLEEP] goes wrong. You like it when people are actively dying in your audience. Yes, that's the goal. My goal is to murder one person at every show.
23:55 Speaker 07 Right, well, he murdered.
23:57 Speaker 05 Oh.
24:01 Speaker 05 When did you notice us?
24:03 Speaker 07 Oh god, what a [BLEEP] question.
24:05 Speaker 05 I did not notice [BLEEP] until, so there's a part of the show where I do like a ton- I wanna know what Michael can see from his vantage point while-
24:11 Speaker 07 Yeah, yeah, yeah, we did discuss this.
24:11 Speaker 05 I do the very smallest amount of crowd work in the show, and I looked at the front row and the front row was all, the front row was all people that I personally, like, who lived on the street from me.
24:21 Speaker 07 Yeah.
24:22 Speaker 05 You know what I mean? And I don't wanna do crowd work with like people that I know, it feels like not cool.
24:26 Speaker 07 Right, of course.
24:27 Speaker 05 But I'm like looking down the row and every person is another person that I know.
24:30 Speaker 07 They seated your friends and family in the front, it was a wild choice. I was like, why are we doing this? Put this in the-
24:35 Speaker 05 It's also like, I also, on the other hand, I can't take an hour to find someone that I don't know. So I'm just like, you, and I pointed right at you and I was like, oh, I know him too. I also know him. So I didn't, I did not know until I pointed at you.
24:50 Speaker 07 But it was perfect because he said, what's your name? And Pablo said, Pablo. And I'm just looking at Pablo going, oh, I'm so glad this is happening to you, not me. And then Michael goes, Pablo? Am I saying that right? Which was perfect.
25:05 Pablo Torre? Katie and I had the vantage point that was like right up, it was like, whatever angle the vasectomy doctor had on you, we had that.
25:12 Speaker 05 Absolutely. That's what those seats are called.
25:14 Pablo Torre? Middle, straight up, from below.
25:16 Speaker 05 Yeah. Those are the urology seats right there. Yeah. So I didn't know it was you until it was you. And then typically in the show, there are a couple of other times where I refer back to the audience to ask them questions. And I usually go back to that person.
25:31 Speaker 07 But he chose because you were so bad.
25:32 Speaker 05 Accidentally picked you. That's when I was like, I'm gonna.
25:36 Speaker 07 But the, just the, this is probably cut out. But the moment with the girl that you asked the spontaneous question to and the way she panicked and was like, I don't know. And then you were like, and that's actually so okay. That's actually, we love you. We love you.
25:50 Pablo Torre? Taping where.
25:51 Speaker 07 I don't want to blow the, I don't want to blow the, that's a nice moment in a taping. I don't think you should blow it. I, but I just, I wanted you to know.
25:57 Pablo Torre? Funny. It was so funny. Her brain, her brain was just like, I cannot.
26:02 Speaker 05 She absolutely short circuited.
26:04 Speaker 07 I know. And I, and I can.
26:05 Pablo Torre? It's just like, you literally ask her, say anything. And she can't say anything.
26:09 Speaker 07 It's Billy on the street for a dollar, name a woman. And they go like.
26:15 Speaker 05 It is that. She was, she absolutely, um, had the whole system completely shut down for her. And bless her. She was there. She didn't know she was gonna have to do that. And she did her best, which was none. And that's okay.
26:27 Speaker 07 Luckily, you didn't need anymore.
26:28 Speaker 05 That's right.
26:29 Speaker 07 You made up, you went.
26:30 Speaker 05 I just wanted her to try, and she did.
26:32 Speaker 07 Right.
26:32 Speaker 05 And she got absolutely not far at all. And that's the best you could do.
26:35 Speaker 07 And that's okay. Sometimes that's the best you can do.
26:37 Speaker 05 Yes.
26:38 Pablo Torre? What's the, what's the mental state? Are you a boxer before a fight? Are you, before you go out on stage and all of this is starting? What are you, how? Katie and I were like deciding, are we nervous for you? Are we thinking that this is?
26:53 Speaker 07 I was nervous for me.
26:54 Speaker 05 I was there, so I did two tapings that day. Did you have, when?
26:58 Speaker 07 Were we the second?
26:59 Speaker 05 You guys were the second.
27:00 Speaker 07 Yeah.
27:00 Speaker 05 When, like when Dan recorded a special, you do two in a day?
27:02 Speaker 07 Mm-hmm.
27:03 Speaker 05 So the first taping, everyone had told, I'd never done the show twice in a day before. And I was like, I'm a little scared to do it twice in a day. I'd rather do it on two separate nights. And everyone who was involved with this, who has done these before, was like, you definitely want to do it twice in a day. The second one is always going to be the one. So I did the first one, and the first one, the audience was just like, good, but hmm. I don't know what it was.
27:27 Speaker 07 Not as good as us.
27:28 Speaker 05 It just wasn't, they wasn't as good. So the second.
27:30 Pablo Torre? They hadn't gotten lightly stoned in this very long line outside.
27:33 Speaker 05 Exactly.
27:33 Speaker 07 At the very last minute. We were sitting in line the whole time.
27:36 Pablo Torre? Just as the cameras came out to tape the line.
27:38 Speaker 07 He was like, oh, [bleep] light this up.
27:40 Speaker 05 Yeah, exactly. They weren't grateful to suddenly be in air conditioning as much as you guys were. Um, and so between shows, I was very like, the second one's gotta be it. You know what I mean? So there was a lot of like pressure.
27:54 Pablo Torre? A game seven aspect.
27:56 Speaker 05 The first show, I felt like I personally was incredible. But for whatever reason, the crowd just wasn't like as, I think people liked it as much, but they weren't as emotive. And part of that is also because at the first show, the guy who did the warm-up like right before, and my sister did it for the second show, and her energy is complete chaos. Like you just don't know what she's going to say at any time.
28:18 Pablo Torre? You replaced, you replaced the warm-up.
28:20 Speaker 05 We did, we, we, we, well, we just like, you can go back to doing all the hundred other things you have to do, which he did have to do. And then my sister did it instead. And I think she had also a better energy and the whole thing just kind of, the, the crowd for that show was on fire. It was totally packed, except for like the seats that they had to kill for the cameras. And the vibes were just really good. So immediately. I immediately, I was at ease a second out onto that stage.
28:45 Pablo Torre? Your sister's also kind of a pro, yes?
28:47 Speaker 05 Yeah, yeah, and she's a, she's an actress, she's been in like, you know, in Barbie and stuff. She's tremendous. Specifically doing that exact thing.
28:53 Speaker 07 In Barbie and stuff.
28:55 Speaker 05 Just Barbie and stuff.
28:55 Pablo Torre? The other guy was in Oppenheimer.
28:57 Speaker 05 Yeah. So she's, she's incredible, but she's a little bit of a loose cannon, which is also what makes her perfect for that thing. Like, it's like, don't.
29:05 Speaker 07 I was told not to make any jokes.
29:07 Speaker 05 Exactly.
29:07 Speaker 07 And then, right, as soon as she did, she's like, I'm joking, I'm already joking.
29:10 Speaker 05 I'm already doing jokes. And I knew that was gonna happen.
29:12 Speaker 07 Yeah.
29:13 Pablo Torre? But you need the crowd, though. You're like, the crowd is how, the crowd is important because at home, when the audience sees it, that's not in the room.
29:21 Speaker 07 Right.
29:21 Pablo Torre? You need them to hear it.
29:23 Speaker 07 To tell them how to feel, basically. We also realized, because we were in the second row, that we were on the, at least one of the crowd reaction cameras you guys have. So I'm like, oh, Jesus Christ, Pablo.
29:34 Speaker 05 It was here?
29:35 Speaker 07 And then as soon as, it was right to our left. And as soon as I know, as soon as I mentioned it to Pablo, the rest of the night, I kept seeing Pablo go like,
29:44 Pablo Torre? just sucking in my cheekbones.
29:45 Speaker 07 He was like, what's it called when you, what do they call that?
29:49 Speaker 05 Mewing?
29:50 Speaker 07 Yes.
29:50 Speaker 05 Mewing?
29:51 Speaker 07 That is what they call it.
29:52 Speaker 05 My kids know about the mewing. It's like.
29:54 Pablo Torre? Oh, man.
29:55 Speaker 07 It's to make your like.
29:55 Pablo Torre? A technique involving resting the tongue against the roof of the mouth.
29:58 Speaker 07 I'm not chin-maxing.
29:59 Pablo Torre? Jawline definition, that's right, jaw-maxing. I was jaw-maxing.
30:03 Speaker 05 But you were jaw-maxing. I do that, I do that, turns out.
30:05 Speaker 07 Or he kept making his reactions and being like, ahahaha.
30:09 Pablo Torre? And then I will, there was a moment where the person, I will throw this person under the largest bus available.
30:15 Speaker 05 Absolutely do.
30:16 Pablo Torre? To my left, there is a person who was checking their phone.
30:19 Speaker 05 Yeah.
30:20 Pablo Torre? And there was a moment, find this on tape, where I am looking at her, and then looking right into the camera, and looking at her again, and looking right into the camera.
30:28 Speaker 07 It wasn't anything important either I checked. I looked to be like, maybe.
30:31 Pablo Torre? I almost, I almost, I almost gently elbowed her.
30:35 Speaker 07 But that's his friend or his family.
30:36 Speaker 05 It's probably one of my reps, like, you know, you know how reps be.
30:39 Speaker 07 You know how reps be. Reps always be checking their phones.
30:42 Speaker 05 Reps are looking at stuff all the time.
30:43 Speaker 07 Reps are Adam Schefter, they cannot put their phones down. Even on live TV, you have to let them have their phone.
30:47 Speaker 05 And I love reps.
30:48 Speaker 07 Cause they're reps.
30:49 Speaker 05 I love reps. My reps are great, and they're, they're always, they're scrolling, you know, cause maybe they're getting, so it could have been a rep.
30:54 Speaker 07 Yeah.
30:55 Speaker 05 Is what I'm saying.
30:55 Pablo Torre? I think it was a rep, I think it was just a rep.
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32:06 Speaker 00 Welcome to 215 Maple Drive. We just put this property on the market.
32:12 Speaker 01 Love the crown molding.
32:14 Speaker 00 Oh, wait until you see the walk-in closets and the bathroom tile.
32:17 Speaker 01 Does it have Verizon FiOS? You know, 100% fiber internet.
32:21 Speaker 00 No FiOS, but it looks like it's got cable. Let's check out the kitchen.
32:25 Speaker 01 No FiOS? Yeah, no, thank you.
32:28 Speaker 00 Don't you want to see the rest? Okay, bye-bye.
32:31 Speaker 02 Get Verizon FiOS because when you're moving, it's 100% or nothing.
32:36 Speaker 09 Hi, I'm Jenna Oshkowitz. You might know me from Glee. This is At the Table, the food allergy podcast, a show about food, connection, and what it really looks like to live with food allergies. Each episode, we hear stories from real people like Daniel.
32:50 Speaker 10 People would always think I was lactose intolerant, so I just kind of shortened my explanation to I'm deathly allergic in a big way that defined a lot of my childhood.
33:01 Speaker 09 And while there are challenges, there are moments that remind you you're not alone.
33:06 Speaker 11 One of the best guys that I dated. He made a point to memorize all my food allergies.
33:12 Speaker 09 So join us and hear their stories and more. Because living with food allergies isn't just about what you can't eat. It's about still having your seat at the table. Brought to you by Genentech and Novartis. Listen to At The Table, the food allergy podcast on America's number one podcast network, iHeart. Follow At The Table and start listening on the free iHeart Radio app today.
33:40 Speaker 07 I'm just a girl with a crush on you. That was a perfect Britney Spears.
33:45 Speaker 05 That was pretty good.
33:46 Speaker 07 It was a perfect Britney Spears.
33:47 Speaker 05 I don't think I know which song that is.
33:49 Speaker 07 I don't even remember what it's called. Probably Girl With A Crush On You.
33:56 Speaker 05 Just hallucin- oh, wait, I know that.
33:59 Speaker 07 I'm just a girl with a crush on you.
34:04 Speaker 05 Pretty good, actually.
34:05 Speaker 07 It's not bad. It's not great. It's in the works.
34:08 Speaker 05 Can't Make You Love Me.
34:09 Speaker 07 Oh, God, I haven't listened to it in so long, but what a jam.
34:12 Speaker 05 My wife Carrie is a crazy Britney Spears fan.
34:15 Speaker 07 Because Britney Spears was the greatest. I didn't know that, and I love that.
34:17 Speaker 05 Let me tell you what level she is. She, one time, years ago, we went to see a friend in the musical Nine on Broadway.
34:31 Speaker 05 And we were coming out, and Britney Spears was out of the sunroof of like a Yukon Denali or one of these things on the street. Has the prophecy foretold. And she was just like, she was coming out of the thing just like dancing, and you know, maybe she was a little feeling herself. My wife runs into traffic.
34:49 Speaker 07 Yeah, Carrie.
34:50 Speaker 05 In front of the car.
34:51 Speaker 07 Yep.
34:52 Speaker 05 Points up at Britney Spears and goes, "Britney, you're the [BLEEP]." And Britney is singing to my wife. There's a picture of it the next day, like in the Post. We're gonna find this. My wife's cut out. Oh. It's just Britney. It's just Britney in the [BLEEP] car.
35:07 Speaker 07 It's Britney [BLEEP] who, when was this? The musical Nine was on Broadway.
35:12 Speaker 05 So we're talking like probably 2003 or something.
35:15 Speaker 07 Where is this in her lore, pre?
35:18 Speaker 05 This is before Britney had whatever, whatever.
35:21 Speaker 07 Whatever we did to her.
35:22 Speaker 05 Whatever word you would describe the whatever's happened. It's before that happened.
35:27 Speaker 07 Okay.
35:28 Pablo Torre? Looking for this photograph.
35:29 Speaker 07 Nobody did it like Britney, nobody's doing it like Britney.
35:30 Pablo Torre? There are a lot of images for Britney Spears' sunroof, so we're gonna have to keep on scrolling.
35:36 Speaker 07 Yeah, I don't think you're probably gonna find it.
35:37 Speaker 05 If anyone can find it, it's one of the top 100 podcasts of all time.
35:41 Pablo Torre? Just like the number of photos of Britney Spears through a windshield.
35:45 Speaker 07 Again, it's crazy.
35:46 Pablo Torre? I'm like, I'm never gonna find this one.
35:47 Speaker 07 Right, that's what I'm saying. When I say we did it, it's like, they should be allowed to get in a car.
35:51 Pablo Torre? Like, is this, you think this is it?
35:54 Speaker 07 Without us all freaking out. I don't think so.
35:56 Speaker 05 I don't remember.
35:57 Speaker 07 I would guess no, that looks post the thing.
35:59 Pablo Torre? What I found out today is that Britney Spears loves a sunroof.
36:02 Speaker 07 Or that paparazzi is not afraid to stand in front of a moving vehicle to take a picture of Britney Spears at her peak.
36:08 Speaker 05 Is it roofs or roofs? Something to think about.
36:13 Pablo Torre? Roofs.
36:15 Speaker 05 Roofs.
36:16 Pablo Torre? Roofs.
36:17 Speaker 07 It's gotta be roofs. I don't know why I said that.
36:19 Pablo Torre? Roofs.
36:20 Speaker 05 Wait, he's saying roofs?
36:21 Speaker 07 It is, I know. It's why I was just beating myself up for being wrong.
36:23 Speaker 05 But couldn't it be roofs?
36:24 Pablo Torre? I don't think so.
36:25 Speaker 07 No.
36:25 Speaker 05 No.
36:26 Pablo Torre? I think that's a thing you're gonna wanna cut out of this episode.
36:28 Speaker 07 It's never FS, it's never.
36:30 Speaker 05 Never?
36:31 Speaker 07 Is it?
36:31 Speaker 05 I don't know.
36:32 Speaker 07 Wolves, no, wolves.
36:34 Speaker 05 Yeah, you're right.
36:35 Pablo Torre? Boofs.
36:36 Speaker 07 What's a boof?
36:38 Pablo Torre? A boof has multiple meanings, primarily in slang and whitewater kayaking.
36:41 Speaker 07 Poofs are poofs.
36:42 Pablo Torre? In slang, it can refer to anal sex.
36:44 Speaker 05 Come on, dude.
36:45 Pablo Torre? Or the reckless administration of drugs or alcohol.
36:46 Speaker 07 Why are we here?
36:47 Speaker 05 But one of you said boof, that's, oh, you said, oh, because who did, Brett Kavanaugh, and now we're back into politics.
36:55 Speaker 07 No.
36:55 Speaker 05 Didn't he, wasn't there boofing? Wasn't that something?
36:57 Pablo Torre? Yes.
36:59 Speaker 05 Brett Kavanaugh.
37:00 Pablo Torre? Brett Kavanaugh's yearbook, colon, the boof joke, comma, explained.
37:04 Speaker 05 There you go.
37:04 Pablo Torre? Vox.com. October 3, 2003.
37:08 Speaker 05 Okay.
37:08 Pablo Torre? Britney Spears cruising on 49th Street pops out of the sunroof to the surprise of a street full of tourists.
37:13 Speaker 05 Could be that, it could be that.
37:14 Speaker 07 Damn, they called your wife a tourist.
37:15 Speaker 05 You're pretty good, it could be that.
37:17 Speaker 07 You guys weren't tourists?
37:17 Speaker 05 Yeah. Can you find out what theater the Broadway musical Nine was on?
37:21 Pablo Torre? Yes. Broadway musical.
37:24 Speaker 05 Was in, and what street that was on?
37:25 Pablo Torre? Nine.
37:26 Speaker 05 Trying to fix my prepositions.
37:27 Pablo Torre? Here we go.
37:28 Speaker 07 They'll edit, they'll fix that in post. If I know anything about these guys.
37:32 Pablo Torre? 2003 Broadway revival.
37:34 Speaker 05 Okay, this is probably it.
37:35 Pablo Torre? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Uh, nope, I clicked on the Wikipedia entry for the word revival.
37:41 Speaker 07 And [BLEEP] they have to say.
37:43 Pablo Torre? Broadway revival.
37:45 Speaker 05 Oh, I found out something great on Wikipedia today.
37:48 Pablo Torre? That's too so far away.
37:50 Speaker 07 Have you seen the clip of the little kid doing the creature's voice?
37:52 Speaker 05 Eugene O'Neill Theater.
37:53 Pablo Torre? Okay, show me.
37:53 Speaker 07 That's what we were just talking about that.
37:54 Pablo Torre? Show me Forty-Ninth Street. Show me Forty-Ninth Street. West Forty-Nine! La la la la la la la la! This is why we do journalism!
38:03 Speaker 05 God damn!
38:04 Pablo Torre? Shout out to my friend Elena Shadow, who was in the musical Nine.
38:08 Speaker 07 Great name. Now, I thought not only was puppets, what is Nine about?
38:12 Pablo Torre? Nine is not puppets. Nine is about, um, is it Fellini, maybe? Because you know how there's Eight and a Half?
38:18 Speaker 07 I just said I thought it was puppets. So I don't think whatever next word you said...
38:22 Pablo Torre? What is pup- um, there's a big one that's puppets.
38:24 Speaker 07 Maybe like a movie or Avenue Q is the big one that's puppets.
38:27 Pablo Torre? Film director Guido Contini, who is dreading his imminent fortieth birthday and facing a midlife crisis. Oh, man. I'm dreading my imminent fortieth birthday.
38:34 Speaker 07 Right.
38:34 Pablo Torre? Oh, my gosh. This is really Kissman fame. And currently, while I read this entry, facing a midlife crisis.
38:38 Speaker 07 Sure. What's the next line about?
38:40 Pablo Torre? Which is blocking his creative impulses. Check.
38:42 Speaker 07 Oh, no!
38:43 Pablo Torre? And entangling him in a web of romantic difficulties in early 1960s Venice.
38:47 Speaker 07 Okay, that's not you, then. Good. Thank God. At first I was like, this is a problem.
38:51 Pablo Torre? But he loves to podcast. What the?
38:54 Speaker 07 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
38:55 Pablo Torre? Raul Julia. Yes.
38:57 Speaker 07 Okay.
38:57 Pablo Torre? A gifted man. Oh, man.
38:59 Speaker 07 So we found out that that is the picture of her...
39:02 Pablo Torre? Definitely.
39:02 Speaker 07 Show it again?
39:06 Pablo Torre? She's wearing a trucker hat.
39:07 Speaker 07 That looks post- oh, trucker hat was right before, I think.
39:09 Pablo Torre? Well, maybe it's right before, then.
39:12 Pablo Torre? Wow. Wait, can I say something that I found that I saw on Wikipedia today? Someone referenced to me the... Look, is that... Don't listen to me.
39:20 Speaker 07 Oh, the head? Is that the top of her head?
39:22 Pablo Torre? I'm talking to myself. I'm by myself.
39:24 Speaker 07 Is that the top of her head?
39:25 Pablo Torre? Does this resemble the top of your wife's head?
39:30 Pablo Torre? I mean, it's not impossible that it is.
39:32 Speaker 07 Right, I know.
39:32 Pablo Torre? It really is not impossible that it is. It is clearly- okay, for those not watching on YouTube, it's clearly a photo that is focusing on Britney Spears. White trucker hat, hoodie thing, uh, and in front of the windshield is the back of a blonde... Head of hair.
39:46 Speaker 05 It is very possible that that is my wife.
39:48 Speaker 07 Very possible.
39:49 Speaker 05 You gotta send me a link to that, so I can.
39:50 Speaker 07 Yeah, we have to confirm. This is like when they found, when they exonerated that guy, cuz he was at the Mets game or in the back of an episode of a Seinfeld or something like that. What is this story? Maybe it was Curb Your Enthusiasm? Wasn't there a guy that was like?
40:03 Speaker 05 Are you telling me the plot of an episode of television?
40:04 Speaker 07 He had his alibi.
40:06 Pablo Torre? Are you racially profiling a genre of sitcom?
40:08 Speaker 07 No, I'm saying that a guy used as an alibi because he was at a baseball game the day that they were filming an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. And so on the camera, you see that he's there.
40:19 Speaker 05 So this is a real life thing?
40:20 Speaker 07 And that got him off from a.
40:21 Pablo Torre? Ah, yes.
40:22 Speaker 07 Sorry, I was just making a thing that I thought everybody knew.
40:24 Pablo Torre? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
40:25 Speaker 07 As a quick little punchline reference to that. Thought we'd all go, tee hee hee, it's just like that, Katie. And then we'd move on.
40:31 Speaker 05 I do not know, I do not know about that.
40:34 Pablo Torre? Photos.
40:34 Speaker 07 Let me hold documentary about it and everything.
40:36 Speaker 05 Really?
40:36 Speaker 07 Yeah.
40:37 Speaker 05 Oh, it's like, it's like a true crime situation.
40:39 Speaker 07 Yeah, it was like a, it was a cool thing that happened.
40:42 Speaker 05 Okay, while you're doing this, I'll tell you something that I learned on Wikipedia today.
40:44 Speaker 07 Mm-hmm.
40:45 Speaker 05 And I, I could say every name wrong in this.
40:47 Speaker 07 Great.
40:48 Speaker 05 There is a television program or possibly a movie called Lancelot, Link, Secret Chimp.
40:56 Speaker 07 What?
40:56 Speaker 05 And what it is.
40:58 Pablo Torre? Lancelot Link?
40:59 Speaker 05 I learned a lot of cool things, actually.
41:00 Pablo Torre? Colon?
41:00 Speaker 05 I learned this today. Lancelot Link's Secret Chimp, something, I think that might be the name of it. And it is.
41:04 Pablo Torre? Oh, my God. It's a comma, not a colon.
41:06 Speaker 05 It's a, it's a video, video of, the whole movie is chimps. It's footage of, it's footage of chimps like in costumes. Yeah? And.
41:15 Speaker 07 No people?
41:16 Pablo Torre? And so far, I can tell you Katie is not seeing my computer screen. This is checking out.
41:21 Speaker 05 There are no people in it. Anyway, I was just like, so they, someone showed it to me and then I was looking into like who the voice actors and one of them, I think is a woman named Joan, possibly Gerber, I think is the last name.
41:30 Speaker 07 Mm-hmm.
41:31 Speaker 05 And the only thing I wanna say about her is that in her Wikipedia article, like maybe the first sentence is, "Her most challenging role as a voice actor was playing the voice of a busload of Japanese students being attacked by Godzilla." Is that basically correct?
41:45 Pablo Torre? Her most challenging, this is Joan Gerber.
41:47 Speaker 05 Yeah.
41:48 Pablo Torre? "Her most challenging voice role was, quote, 'all the children in a Japanese train wreck,' end quote, for a Godzilla television episode."
41:57 Pablo Torre? All the children.
41:59 Speaker 05 Who do I play in this episode? Oh, you're all the children in the Japanese train wreck.
42:04 Pablo Torre? Yeah, you're gonna need to be all of them.
42:04 Speaker 07 Does that count as like 20 credits?
42:06 Speaker 05 Maybe. She's probably rich off that one ep- whatever that is, that one episode.
42:09 Pablo Torre? Oh my god, the residuals on being all of the Japanese children in the bus wreck.
42:12 Speaker 07 And don't forget, I was also Japanese student number five. Thank you. And then also, number six.
42:19 Speaker 05 Who played, uh, Japanese student number nine? That wasn't- no way!
42:23 Speaker 07 That's right.
42:24 Speaker 05 Okay, can I say one other thing I learned today?
42:25 Speaker 07 Yes, please.
42:26 Speaker 05 Okay. Um, I learned-
42:27 Speaker 07 What else are we here for? Nothing?
42:28 Speaker 05 Uh, I learned about a comedian, whose name I think is Alonzo Hamburger.
42:36 Speaker 07 Okay.
42:37 Speaker 05 Do you guys know this guy? Well, I'll tell you the big thing about Alonzo Hamburger, is that he says hamburger a lot. He says hamburger all the time. He says it all the time. In his set, he'll just- instead of saying like- Instead of saying- instead of saying like [BLEEP] or whatever.
42:55 Pablo Torre? Duh, I mean-
42:56 Speaker 07 Why?
42:57 Speaker 05 I'm not- maybe, he's- I think he's not-
42:59 Pablo Torre? So, here, here, here, oh my god. Alonzo Hamburger Jones-
43:03 Speaker 05 Yes.
43:03 Pablo Torre? Is an American writer and catchphrase comedian.
43:06 Speaker 05 Yes.
43:07 Pablo Torre? Best known for his cowboy hat, and frequent use of the word hamburger.
43:11 Speaker 05 I would say, to me personally, only having learned about him this morning, I would say best known for his cowboy hat is an insane thing to include.
43:18 Speaker 07 Wait, yes, start with-
43:19 Speaker 05 Because he says the word hamburger in his stand-up.
43:22 Speaker 07 As if it's the word-
43:23 Speaker 05 As if it's like, goddammit. Or like, as if it's like, cra- I was like, you won't believe it, he just said- he says hamburger all the time.
43:28 Speaker 07 Did you watch video of his set?
43:30 Speaker 05 I watched his whole set from, I don't know if it might have been Comic View or like Deaf Comedy Jam, Martin Lawrence was hosting it. And, um, and-
43:37 Pablo Torre? Deaf Comedy Jam, HBO, two television appearances.
43:40 Speaker 05 He comes out and he does his set.
43:41 Speaker 07 Oh man, I bet Dan would have something really funny to say here.
43:43 Speaker 05 I bet he would. I bet he really would.
43:45 Speaker 07 But me, nothing.
43:46 Speaker 05 I mean-
43:46 Speaker 07 I got nothing for ya.
43:47 Speaker 05 It is, it is so just purely delightful to me to watch Alonzo Hamburger.
43:53 Pablo Torre? And now, let's enjoy some Alonzo hamburger.
43:56 Speaker 05 Absolutely.
43:56 Speaker 07 Please say Jones. You guys are skipping his last name.
43:59 Speaker 05 I think we're getting the most important part.
44:01 Speaker 12 Look at this big joker here. Same dumb one standing in front of YMCA talking about, "Ooh, look, they done spelled Macy's wrong."
44:15 Speaker 12 Hamburger, I ain't gonna have it. Who else wanna play?
44:21 Speaker 12 Happy Halloween, baby.
44:31 Speaker 12 Hamburger. Check out my man here, Rico Suave.
44:38 Speaker 12 Y'all looking good out here in that hamburger, y'all.
44:41 Speaker 05 There we go.
44:44 Speaker 05 Hamburger. And then just moves on to the next thing. Does the word hamburger have anything to do with what's been happening?
44:49 Speaker 07 No, but that's his way of going like, and that's on that. That is what I have said.
44:53 Speaker 05 It's so much a part of his lexicon that sometimes he'll like, you know, he'll start a sentence like hamburger. He was walking down the street like you don't even get the whole hamburger.
45:03 Speaker 07 Huh.
45:03 Speaker 05 He does it and he does it. And that's that I would guess he says the word hamburger 30 times.
45:07 Pablo Torre? It's like how the Intuit people have many words for, oh, it's the opposite of that. It's as if snow has many words, but it's just hamburger.
45:13 Speaker 05 It's the opposite. It is the opposite.
45:14 Pablo Torre? It's the word [BLEEP].
45:15 Speaker 05 Yes, exactly. And I think he does say at some point, he says hamburger instead of swearing.
45:20 Pablo Torre? Instead, okay, so hamburger, this is back to the Wikipedia page. Hamburger tries not to use profanity like gentlemen of the old west who does not.
45:28 Speaker 07 Well, that's weird.
45:29 Speaker 05 You know how in the old west they always say?
45:31 Speaker 07 Does that have to do with anything?
45:32 Pablo Torre? Who don't swear in front of the ladies. Instead comedian Alonso Jones has substituted profanity with one word, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. In all caps, hamburger.
45:39 Speaker 07 Okay, so every time he wants to say [BLEEP], he says hamburger.
45:42 Pablo Torre? Yeah.
45:42 Speaker 05 And he's like, boom, I got, don't worry, I got a hamburger right here.
45:45 Speaker 07 But I think if it got hamburger heavy, I feel, I fear I would be out on it. I actually liked it and that.
45:49 Speaker 05 You say that, but I'm just telling you.
45:51 Speaker 07 He uses it properly.
45:52 Speaker 05 You can actually absorb quite a lot of hamburger.
45:54 Speaker 07 That's great.
45:55 Speaker 05 More than you think you can.
45:56 Speaker 07 Actually, what Jordan Peterson said.
46:00 Speaker 07 And he was wrong. He wasn't right.
46:17 Speaker 05 Alonzo Hamburger Jones. That's something we learned today. Are we at that part?
46:20 Speaker 07 No, we're, it's done already.
46:22 Pablo Torre? Possibly at that part, but I've also not checked the clock in a long time.
46:25 Speaker 05 I'm just checking, let me check. Oh, it's midnight.
46:27 Speaker 07 Oh, no.
46:29 Pablo Torre? One of the things I loved when, uh, when watching your show was looking at Katie. Just like literally side-eyeing her as she was fucking whimpering.
46:39 Speaker 07 And here's the thing, I, um...
46:41 Pablo Torre? Crying legitimately.
46:42 Speaker 07 It's not like you can go like wipe it off. So I just like let it sit there and then it dried.
46:47 Speaker 05 Yeah.
46:47 Speaker 07 So I just, leaving like this. Yeah, yeah. I was like, well, I'll just hop right on the subway.
46:51 Speaker 05 There are some parts of the show that are very sad and I say it up top. So we just kinda, we just kinda do that. And one of the things that, I mean, maybe I talked about this last time, but one of the things in like pitching it to places to put it on their air was people coming back and being like, it's like there are parts of it that are too sad for us to think of this as a comedy. Would you think about like, you know, maybe putting more jokes in those parts? And for me, I was like, I don't really want to. So we'll just wait. And then this other company came around and they were like, we love it how it is. So we'll, we'll make it.
47:22 Pablo Torre? So part of what I didn't know, cause I had seen the show again, uh, somewhere between a year and 10 years ago. Uh, I didn't know how different it would be because last time I talked to you, you had some amount of frustration. Cause this show is, uh, for my money, conflicted as I am, it's so hamburger good.
47:46 Speaker 05 Thank you.
47:46 Pablo Torre? And, and I just hoped that it would be the version that I had seen. And that's what I was excited to show Katie was like, cause I was like, I didn't want to tell her too much. I didn't want to like, you know, whatever. I didn't want to taint the jury pool.
47:58 Speaker 07 But he did ask before we did any drugs. He said, now this is a sad show. Would you like to do a little bit of drugs? I said, yeah.
48:06 Speaker 05 That's very thoughtful.
48:07 Speaker 07 Yes, I do. I think I'm ready for it.
48:10 Pablo Torre? As her, as her weed concierge, I think we nailed it.
48:12 Speaker 07 Yep, totally.
48:13 Pablo Torre? While you were hopped up on caffeine.
48:16 Speaker 07 Oh yeah, was that real? You really did take it? It's so funny.
48:19 Speaker 05 I was so tired after the first show and like hadn't slept really well the night before.
48:23 Speaker 07 Of course.
48:23 Speaker 05 So I took these gummy caffeine Bolt, I think is the name of the thing.
48:28 Speaker 07 Why are you looking at us like we would ever eat any of that? If it's not drugs, I mean caffeine, I guess technically a drug.
48:32 Pablo Torre? Was it, was it, you, you had a couple of Pro Bar Bolt chews?
48:36 Speaker 05 That seems, that seems right.
48:37 Speaker 07 Yikes. And where'd you get those? A gas station?
48:40 Speaker 05 I got, I got them at a bodega. I was like at a bodega buying gum and I was like, maybe I'll need this.
48:43 Pablo Torre? There was a woman standing in a sunroof who was just...
48:47 Speaker 05 Yeah, in 2000.
48:49 Speaker 07 Like a Red Bull rep in college.
48:51 Pablo Torre? Like Donald Trump throwing toilet paper. He was throwing Pro Bar Bolt chews.
48:56 Speaker 05 So I just chowed. I just chowed down and it really, it got me.
49:01 Speaker 07 They hit ya. Yeah, you did the classic edible thing where you take one and you go, not feeling this. So you take more and then you go, I'm feeling it now.
49:08 Speaker 05 I've seen it Pablo before. I don't know how much caffeine was in them. And it's possible that it's like a very small amount.
49:14 Speaker 07 But it's also possible that you're, it was like more than you should have taken.
49:17 Speaker 05 I'm a delicate baby. Like any kind of medicine immediately has a heavy effect on me, no matter what amount I take. And so this I think was no different.
49:26 Pablo Torre? Can you, can you, can you, uh, text or call Carrie and ask her if that's her head?
49:32 Speaker 07 Oh, wow.
49:33 Speaker 05 She's at work.
49:33 Speaker 07 You want to close the loop?
49:34 Pablo Torre? I mean.
49:34 Speaker 05 There's absolutely no chance.
49:35 Speaker 07 Her job's way too important for you to make her do that.
49:39 Speaker 07 Can you also tell her that I love her?
49:41 Speaker 05 Yes.
49:41 Speaker 07 Can you tell her Katie says hello and that she loves you?
49:43 Pablo Torre? Kind of that we loved seeing her.
49:46 Speaker 05 I'm going to text her. Wait, hang on. I'm gonna take a picture. I'm taking a picture of you guys.
49:50 Pablo Torre? Yeah.
49:53 Speaker 05 I'm sending it to her.
49:53 Speaker 07 I think I put my tongue out at a weird time, so I think the picture's gonna be going like this. Starting to put it out. This isn't a podcast, is the thing. This-
50:03 Pablo Torre? My magazine disagrees. I just sent you a screenshot just to give the visual of what Carrie is doing probably right now in real life. So she is-
50:12 Speaker 05 She's probably helping a child coming out of a major surgery. And she's gonna look at her phone and she's gonna be like, I absolutely cannot believe that this is what I'm being texted right now.
50:23 Pablo Torre? Listen.
50:23 Speaker 05 No, you know what? She's chill. She won't be like that. She'll just chill. I'm gonna have to answer this later.
50:29 Speaker 07 Right.
50:29 Speaker 05 But it is-
50:30 Speaker 07 She's gonna go like, that was a crazy thing to text me.
50:33 Speaker 05 The difference between our two lives is stark, that it's like she's doing something like that.
50:36 Pablo Torre? Yeah, she is. She is a nurse.
50:38 Speaker 07 Does it ever smack you in the face? Do you ever go like?
50:39 Speaker 05 Smacks me in the face every day. Hey, how was your day? And then I'll say, you know, whatever. Couldn't crack this joke about a Chinese dinosaur. And then she'll say what her day was. And it's like, I honestly wish I had asked.
50:52 Pablo Torre? It's like you're talking about the person who voice acted all the Japanese children in Iraq and she is helping them.
50:59 Speaker 07 She's like, you said, guess what I learned today? And she goes, and guess what I learned?
51:02 Speaker 05 She says, yes, it totally is. That is the pick that I was cut out of. Hamburger!
51:18 Pablo Torre? This has been Pablo Torre Finds Out, a Meadowlark Media production.
51:24 Pablo Torre? And I'll talk to you next time.
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Previous Athlete Statues, Reviewed by Pulitzer-Winning Art Critic Jerry Saltz (PTFO Vault) Next PTFO Exclusive: The NFL Union Elected a New Leader. We Investigated the Hollywood Cover-Up They Ignored. Page updated November 1, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated