Pod Insights Pablo Torre Finds Out A Content Carol with Miserable Pablo Torre About this episode Pablo only understands the true meaning of making this show, not the holiday season. So the ghosts of Christmas break pay him a visit, to pay it forward with recommendations for reality shows and Christmas songs, plus an important investigation into the truth about Santa Claus. May bonus content bless you, everyone.
PTFO-approved xmas playlists:
Charlotte Wilder's Christmas-Song Christmas Songs https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7eE3pQlXaK1iKTIamesu5v?si=8121117effbf4c44
Cortes's Holiday Mix https://open.spotify.com/playlist/224BVW9Ai5Ak01jJq8MX7w?si=9ab1111c31674ec9
This episode originally aired December 22, 2023.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcript Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.
0:00 Pablo Torre? This episode of Pablo Torre Finds Out is brought to you by McDonald's. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Medium Fries and a Drink is now $8. And look, I've chased down a lot of strange stories, but nothing quite like what's inside a Quarter Pounder with Cheese. It is 100% fresh beef, cooked right when you order it, with no artificial flavors, colors, fillers, or preservatives in the beef. The onions are hand-topped by someone who knows the perfect amount by memory, two slices of cheese and a star, and two pickles, side by side. So every bite gets both. And every time one's ordered, a cowbell sound rings in the kitchen. That's the grill master's cue to put a fresh patty on the grill. My move?
0:42 Pablo Torre? QPC, fries and a drink after a long day of recording. That is my happy place. The Quarter Pounder with Cheese with Fries and a Drink, now $8 for a limited time only, only at McDonald's. For a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California. And for delivery. Fresh beef not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Offer not valid for delivery. This episode is brought to you by Apollo.io. A lot of the stories on this show start the same way. Something that looks pretty simple turns out to be a mess once you look under the hood. Well, it's no different in the sales world. Your team has a tool for finding prospects, a different tool for reaching out to them, and a third for keeping track of it all.
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2:56 Pablo Torre? Welcome to Pablo Torre Finds Out. I am Pablo Torre, and today we're going to find out what this sound is.
3:02 Speaker 02 Pablo, you've got interesting dancing skills.
3:05 Pablo Torre? You shut the [bleep] up.
3:07 Speaker 02 I just said interesting.
3:07 Pablo Torre? Whatever you're about to say next, shut up. Right after this ad.
3:13 Speaker 03 You're listening to DraftKings Network.
3:29 Speaker 04 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through these mansions, not a creature was stirring, not even David Sampson. But in the Metal Arc Studio, where podcasts are made, Pablo Torre is still up, even though it is late. He's not doing the things he usually does from his chair, talking about Harvard and how he went there.
3:59 Speaker 04 No, this time it's quiet. Across all podcast land, there's no Katie, no Dominique, no Mina, or Dan.
4:11 Speaker 04 So Pablo is worried. That's why his huge calves are shaking. How will he make content without resorting to hot-taking? You can see this, by the way, including each little smirk, if you're watching on YouTube or the DraftKings Network.
4:32 Speaker 04 For one look reveals that Pablo is existentially stuck, as he deeply furrows his brow and screams the word [bleep].
4:46 Speaker 04 He knows time's running out and he's got to get moving. Because if you're not making more show, then what are you even doing? He looks for an answer. He even starts praying. "God, am I really this miserable like Larsa Pippin was saying?" Which reminds me, one sec, just a quick break from this all. Now I must tell you about a spray for your balls. Yes, this poem is sponsored by a proprietary tingle. When your chestnuts are roasting, this will make your bells jingle. Anyway, where was I?
5:29 Speaker 04 Ah, yes, that whole existential thing. Pablo's answer is always yes, for content is king. But now two sources are saying that's not what the season's about. So it looks like it's time for Pablo Torre to find out.
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7:50 Pablo Torre? I'm pretty sure this won't shock anyone out there, but buying a car is just a hard process. You have to figure out what you want from thousands of options, then you have to find somewhere that's offering a good deal, then you get hit with unexpected fees. But let's just break it down and think about how you describe your ideal car to a friend. You know, something like "good gas mileage, four-wheel drive, reliable, under 30 grand." Luckily, CarGurus makes it that easy. Just describe it to CarGurus the same way. With Guru, you search in your own words and you get listings, real listings, that match. No endless filters, just the car that fits your life. CarGurus also helps you shop with more transparent pricing,
8:31 Pablo Torre? allowing you to see when dealer fees are included so you can compare listings with greater confidence. And with more than 4 million listings, CarGurus has the biggest selection of cars. So it's easier than ever to find the right car and the right deal. It is no wonder CarGurus is the number one most-visited car shopping site according to SimilarWeb's estimated traffic data. So buy or sell your next car today with CarGurus at cargurus.com. Go to cargurus.com to make sure your big deal is the best deal. That's C-A-R-G-U-R-U-S dot com. cargurus.com.
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9:50 Pablo Torre? So I usually know what's happening on my own show.
9:54 Speaker 02 You don't. This is a holiday. Look at this. It's clear what's happening. What do you mean you don't know what's happening?
9:58 Pablo Torre? So if you are in fact not yet watching on YouTube or the DraftKings Network, you should know...
10:02 Speaker 02 Which you should be watching.
10:03 Pablo Torre? That this studio looks like it has never looked before. It is full of holiday cheer.
10:09 Speaker 02 It looks incredible.
10:09 Pablo Torre? By that I mean...
10:10 Speaker 02 There's snow behind you.
10:11 Pablo Torre? There's snow behind me. We're both... I did consent to dressing festively.
10:17 Speaker 02 I did as well, but only under the premise that I could wear a Heat Culture hoodie.
10:21 Pablo Torre? I want to point out my favorite decoration, which I'm just really noticing in full right now, is that on my microphone, there is an elf of ambiguous ethnic origin. I think this is supposed to be me.
10:34 Speaker 02 The calves are not nearly big enough.
10:36 Pablo Torre? Calves are not big enough. Way more vitamin D this elf has. But I've been told, Cortez, the reason that we're doing this is because apparently Christmas is coming up, and I have been nose to the podcast grindstone to the extent that people around this office are concerned that I don't understand the meaning of Christmas.
10:56 Speaker 02 You don't?
10:57 Pablo Torre? And that you, apparently...
10:59 Speaker 02 That's what I'm here for.
11:00 Pablo Torre? Do.
11:02 Speaker 02 Christmas is different to every person, though. That's what you need to understand. So I'm gonna give you what my version of Christmas is.
11:06 Pablo Torre? What I'm about to find out today is Ryan Cortez's guide to Christmas.
11:10 Speaker 02 That's right.
11:11 Pablo Torre? What is your Christmas like?
11:14 Speaker 02 My Christmas is entirely about reality television. It's all I care about. I don't want to see your stupid gingerbread houses and all those bull**** Santa Claus and elves. I don't care. I'll have the Miami Heat big screen, okay? And then four other screens, potentially, reality TV. That's what's going on. It's like Red Zone. Yeah, potentially, potentially.
11:36 Pablo Torre? Just like Minority Report.
11:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, like game footage, just studying the tape, nose to the grindstone, just like you. Which, by the way, what is your background with reality TV?
11:44 Pablo Torre? Okay.
11:44 Speaker 02 Have you seen Catfish? Like, what have you seen?
11:47 Pablo Torre? I know virtually nothing about, I think, the reality television that you adore. So my wife Liz will watch The Real Housewives. That's her guilty pleasure. When she does that.
11:58 Speaker 02 What city does she watch?
12:00 Pablo Torre? What are the choices?
12:01 Speaker 02 Wow, you don't even know? What a terrible.
12:02 Pablo Torre? Real Housewives of, um.
12:04 Speaker 02 Salt Lake City, Potomac, Atlanta, Miami, Dallas, Dubai.
12:09 Pablo Torre? I can't tell if these are fake.
12:10 Speaker 02 Not a single one of those is fake. What are you talking about?
12:13 Pablo Torre? I didn't realize that there was a global operation.
12:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
12:17 Pablo Torre? Of Housewives.
12:18 Speaker 02 Well, look, the thing is, we need to get to like, what I'm gonna change for you, because what you're watching on TV is stupid.
12:24 Pablo Torre? Okay.
12:25 Speaker 02 It's not good. And I'm gonna give you stuff to watch that is better.
12:28 Pablo Torre? So you're gonna give me?
12:30 Speaker 02 The top five reality TV shows that you must watch over Christmas break instead of indulging in stupid Christmas.
12:39 Pablo Torre? So you have five?
12:41 Speaker 02 No, the thing is, I do not like rules.
12:44 Pablo Torre? You don't say.
12:45 Speaker 02 I'm not giving you top, I'll give you how many I want. So we're gonna start with an O L I. The Outside Looking In. These are shows that didn't make my cut of top five reality shows, but they're still good shows that you should check out.
12:56 Pablo Torre? So on the outside looking in are these reality programs?
13:01 Speaker 02 That's right. I'll give them to you quickly.
13:02 Pablo Torre? These better be holiday spirited.
13:04 Speaker 02 Number one, Summer House and Winter House, okay? Same type of show, ones in the summer, ones in the winter. They pack a bunch of people into a house for like two weeks. They get drunk, they hook up with each other, they fight, and they air it across like 10 episodes. It's incredible.
13:19 Pablo Torre? I'm a UK nine.
13:23 Pablo Torre? Just trying to hang out with my wang out. Oh my god! I gotta pee, I gotta pee.
13:30 Pablo Torre? What is the difference between Summer House and Winter House?
13:32 Speaker 02 I just told you, one's summer, one's winter. That's it. One time they go in the pool, one time they go in hot tub, and it's cold outside.
13:38 Pablo Torre? So the only difference is that some. Sometimes it's a hot tub.
13:42 Speaker 02 And sometimes it's a pool.
13:43 Pablo Torre? It's a pool.
13:44 Speaker 02 They're both excellent. I recommend Summer House and Winter House. Number two, Love is Blind. People may have heard of Love is Blind.
13:49 Pablo Torre? Wow, that didn't make your top five. I hear you talk about Love is Blind, a show I've never seen all of the time.
13:54 Speaker 02 Which speaks to how much this OLI is still important. And Love is Blind is a very interesting show. It's been on Netflix. The premise there, love is blind. You can't see the person that you're talking to. And it's, you know, you're supposed to see, do you really love the person? If you take away physical attraction, that's the experiment.
14:08 Speaker 06 I love buying clothes for girls. Yeah, what's your size?
14:13 Speaker 02 What the [bleep]?
14:16 Speaker 06 Would you like working out?
14:17 Speaker 03 Yeah, not a huge fan.
14:18 Speaker 06 Really?
14:19 Speaker 03 Yep.
14:20 Speaker 06 Ooh, I get along best with individuals that do work out. How old are you?
14:25 Speaker 03 Thirty-three.
14:26 Speaker 06 I prefer dating younger.
14:29 Speaker 06 How old are you? I'm thirty-two.
14:32 Pablo Torre? There's a very bizarre sincerity to how much you are like into whether these people like have true feelings for each other.
14:40 Speaker 02 Oh, I don't give a [bleep] if they like each other. I'm interested in
14:42 Pablo Torre? Yeah, what are you in for?
14:43 Speaker 02 Watching everything go haywire, which it always does.
14:47 Pablo Torre? You're not here for the love.
14:48 Speaker 02 No, that's why I don't watch like Golden Bachelor. This is too soft for me. I want chaos. That's what I'm looking for. I want fights. I want sadness and drama. That's what I'm looking for because I'm a sicko.
14:59 Pablo Torre? I agree with that part.
15:00 Speaker 02 Okay, Selling Sunset is number three on the OLI.
15:03 Pablo Torre? How many OLI's are there?
15:04 Speaker 02 As many as I feel like. Selling Sunset is about these two short kings. Shout out to the short kings. And they're like dating these like giant women. And they're like running all of LA real estate and the women are incredible. They're all the, they are the realtors and they're selling all the houses.
15:18 Pablo Torre? So just to be clear,
15:19 Speaker 02 It's an incredible show.
15:20 Pablo Torre? Your, your lead story for Selling Sunset?
15:23 Speaker 02 Is that they're short kings.
15:23 Pablo Torre? Is that short guys date tall women?
15:25 Speaker 02 Short kings, we're short kings for life.
15:27 Speaker 03 So, Michelle, good luck at the Oppenheimer Group. Thank you. Cheers. Thank you. I don't want to say it, but you're gonna need it. Okay, dang, girl.
15:39 Speaker 02 The show is excellent. You get to see like these incredible looking houses.
15:42 Pablo Torre? I can feel myself getting dumber.
15:43 Speaker 02 No, dude, you get to see-
15:44 Pablo Torre? We haven't even made the top five.
15:45 Speaker 02 Seventy million dollar houses is absolutely incredible. All right, last on the O L I list, Indian matchmaking.
15:51 Pablo Torre? Indian matchmaking?
15:52 Speaker 02 Indian matchmaking goes hard, and they'll go to like this oracle, this woman. And what she does is she reads faces. That's what she does. She'll like look at your face and be like, nah, he's a liar, he's a match for you, yada, yada, yada. She just looks at faces. She never gets anything right. At the end of the season, they're like, she went over four, season two, she went over five.
16:10 Pablo Torre? Matchmaking has become a tough job, but I'm trying my best. So far, I am reading your face-
16:18 Speaker 02 And you love it.
16:19 Pablo Torre? And I am prophesizing that you're a moron.
16:23 Speaker 02 I have spent a lot of time watching morons. I am not a moron. Number five on my list is Love After Lockup.
16:33 Pablo Torre? Love After Lockup.
16:35 Speaker 02 Which they also have a spinoff called Life After Lockup. Now, the premise there is they're dating people in prison. The show is, person X is in jail, and they're like talking to like a pen pal outside of jail. And eventually, they leave jail and go date this person. And, you know, they're not the same person that they think they might want to steal money from this person or whatever. The show is incredible. You don't even look at what I do here in the house with the kids and everything else as even anything.
17:03 Speaker 02 She's doing what you're supposed to do, no?
17:06 Speaker 02 What I'm supposed to do? And I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. No, no. So when I take $12,000 out of an account, you should just be like, well, damn, he's doing what he's supposed to do. That's all I'm saying. You're in a world population one by yourself. Sometimes they go back to jail, sometimes they go on the run. The show is like R-rated. It's so good.
17:25 Pablo Torre? So just to be clear again, I'm gonna be waking up on Christmas morning. And Violet, my three-year-old, is gonna be like, "Dada, Christmas!" And I'm gonna say, "Come sit next to me on the couch. We're watching Love After Lockup."
17:41 Speaker 02 Number four, The Real Housewives entire series.
17:48 Pablo Torre? Wait, the entire series, meaning all of the cities?
17:50 Speaker 02 Watch it all. But I would start with Salt Lake City and Potomac. That's where I would start, okay? Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is exceptional because like, one of the cast members, spoiler alert, goes to jail for defrauding the elderly.
18:02 Speaker 03 Real Housewives of Salt Lake City star Jen Shaw has been sentenced to six and a half years behind bars. The reality TV star pleaded guilty last year in connection to a telemarketing scheme that allegedly scammed elderly people out of thousands of dollars.
18:17 Speaker 02 Sometimes people need to get defrauded. Okay. Also, there is a, you know, character that's pronounced "a cheater", just because of the shape of his head. Square shape, you could tell. You're not a cheater, I could tell. Shape of your head.
18:28 Pablo Torre? I'm, wait, I'm intrigued by this theory. So square, square heads?
18:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, you know those people where it's just a square, square head? Like, they look kinda, you know, [BLEEP]ish?
18:36 Pablo Torre? I mean, just the shape of his head, you just can tell he was up to no good. You know some men that just have this shape that you just can tell? Bald heads cheat a lot. Wait, you have the fruit, the bald head is like, wait. He's like, "You, you, you know you cheat."
18:54 Speaker 02 Real Housewives is great. Andy Cohen's the man.
18:56 Pablo Torre? I, I,
18:57 Speaker 02 You're welcome for the rec.
18:58 Pablo Torre? Okay.
18:59 Speaker 02 Number three, Below Deck, the entire franchise.
19:04 Pablo Torre? Below Deck is about what?
19:07 Speaker 02 A ship. A giant, picture a giant ship, okay? Below Deck-
19:10 Pablo Torre? What was that voice?
19:11 Speaker 02 Don't worry about it. Below Deck-
19:12 Pablo Torre? Is that a nautical seafarer voice that you just tried?
19:14 Speaker 02 Captain, dock the ship.
19:16 Pablo Torre? Who is that?
19:17 Speaker 02 Don't worry about it.
19:18 Pablo Torre? That Russell Crowe in Master and Commander?
19:20 Speaker 02 There's Below Deck, there's Below Deck Mediterranean, there's Below Deck Sailing Knot, there's Below Deck Adventure.
19:25 Pablo Torre? Below Deck Sailing Knot?
19:26 Speaker 02 A sailing yacht.
19:28 Pablo Torre? Oh, sailing yacht.
19:29 Speaker 02 That's the best one.
19:30 Pablo Torre? Because?
19:30 Speaker 02 Well, first of all, watching the boat as it is sailing is actually incredible, because it's like, it's like, dangerous.
19:37 Pablo Torre? I'm not tracking.
19:38 Speaker 02 Anyway, I was listening to Andy Cohen's radio show the other day. He had on Zach Braff. Zach was talking about how his favorite show on TV is Below Deck.
19:46 Pablo Torre? You help make this show, and you're listening to Andy Cohen's podcast about a show-
19:52 Speaker 02 Radio Andy.
19:53 Pablo Torre? -that you also watch.
19:53 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's phenomenal.
19:55 Pablo Torre? Because you like the boat being shaky?
19:58 Speaker 02 First of all, you know, there's a whole crew of people. There's an interior, there's an exterior. People interior-
20:03 Pablo Torre? Oh, like an upstairs, downstairs?
20:04 Speaker 02 Correct. You know, so you see at work, a dynamic that goes on.
20:08 Pablo Torre? Is it better to be exterior or interior?
20:09 Speaker 02 Depends what kind of stuff you like to do. Would you rather, you know, clean beds and clean dishes and serve tables? Or would you rather throw lines and do physical work and clean the boat? That's the difference, okay? That's your interior, exterior.
20:21 Pablo Torre? Okay, I don't like swabbing a deck.
20:23 Speaker 02 You see people really working. You see tips from the guests that they have. You see the guests getting drunk and falling down. The show is phenomenal. Number two, 90 Day Fiance.
20:35 Pablo Torre? So we worked on like a half dozen shows together, right? High Noon-
20:39 Speaker 02 Highly questionable.
20:40 Pablo Torre? Highly questionable, Levitard Show-
20:41 Speaker 02 Debatable.
20:42 Pablo Torre? Debatable, this show. Anyway, the point is, I've been in many sort of like workplaces with you. And 90 Day Fiance-
20:51 Speaker 02 Comes up a lot, right?
20:52 Pablo Torre? If I were to generate a word cloud of the things that you and I have talked about, against my will-
20:58 Speaker 02 Wow.
20:59 Pablo Torre? Obviously Miami Heat, 1 million point font. 999,000 point font is the [BLEEP].
21:06 Speaker 02 90 Day Fiance-
21:07 Pablo Torre? Yeah, the premise of this-
21:08 Speaker 02 The premise of it, like a lot of these shows, the premise is in the title. If you're a smart person, you get it, okay? What it is, somebody from another country and you, from America, want to marry. How do you make that happen? With a loophole in the legal system, where you get married in 90 days or less. And we film it and put it on television.
21:26 Pablo Torre? Hold on, I'm gonna guess that, um, things go off the rails.
21:29 Speaker 02 There's a Korean dude who came to America and he started calling his girlfriend Piggy. And he said that all Americans are fat.
21:35 Speaker 06 You are lazy, so you always get the fast food for lunch.
21:42 Speaker 06 No wonder you are Piggy.
21:46 Speaker 06 Are you serious? Look at this.
21:52 Speaker 06 I'm just saying the truth. You always have pasta for lunch.
21:56 Speaker 02 And the family from Iowa had to sit him down and be like, "You can't say piggy."
22:04 Speaker 02 There's a woman who's from the Philippines, Rose. She's a nice woman. She decides to date a man named Ed, who also goes by Big Ed. Big Ed washes his hair with mayonnaise.
22:15 Pablo Torre? This is the mayonnaise guy.
22:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, the mayo and the hair guy.
22:17 Pablo Torre? This is the rare short king you do not endorse.
22:20 Speaker 02 No, he's not a short king. He's just short. Now, the mayo is something that he thinks makes his hair better, more luscious. He does have good hair. Give him that.
22:29 Pablo Torre? Alright, we're gonna put this on YouTube of the Draftings Network. I don't know how to say this. He's built like a Russian nesting doll. In a few days, I'm getting ready to get on a plane and go meet Rose, the love of my life, for the very first time. Since I've met Rose, I wanna look young for her. So I have been dying my hair, and it irritates my scalp. So I found out that mayonnaise makes it smoother and less dry. Big Ed is as if a cartoon character who got bopped on the head and had his head pushed down into his body.
23:12 Pablo Torre? Never got his head out of his body again. He has zero neck.
23:17 Speaker 02 There's also another couple, Paul and Karini. Okay, Karini's from Brazil. Paul put a condom on because he did not want fish to swim up his pee pee in Brazil.
23:28 Pablo Torre? So, so he was swimming?
23:32 Speaker 02 He was, yes, he was gonna jump in this river, and he was afraid of fish swimming up his pee pee. So he put on a condom.
23:37 Pablo Torre? Please stop saying that.
23:38 Speaker 02 And pee pee. And that clip-
23:40 Pablo Torre? As the son of a urologist.
23:41 Speaker 02 That clip-
23:42 Pablo Torre? Please stop saying pee pee.
23:43 Speaker 02 Has 3 million views.
23:44 Pablo Torre? What clip?
23:45 Speaker 02 The clip of him putting on a condom to go jump in the river.
23:48 Pablo Torre? This is a clip?
23:49 Speaker 02 It's a clip.
23:50 Pablo Torre? We cannot, do not show this. Do not call for this clip.
23:54 Speaker 06 So, uh, I'm gonna put this on first. Taste that fish. Just to the waiter. And I have this little penis, I guess like a sheath protection bag. And I put a condom on, have that to hold that on. Definitely don't want nothing swimming up my penis.
24:10 Pablo Torre? I cannot believe we just showed that clip.
24:11 Speaker 02 The clip was great.
24:12 Pablo Torre? This is a holiday episode?
24:14 Speaker 02 Allegedly. Number one. Vanderpump Rules.
24:18 Pablo Torre? Yeah!
24:20 Speaker 02 Let's go!
24:20 Pablo Torre? I've never heard Vanderpump Rules pronounced like a call to arms.
24:25 Speaker 02 Shout out to DJ James Kennedy, shout out to Ariana. It's a great show.
24:30 Pablo Torre? Who are these people?
24:30 Speaker 02 What a great show, what a great show. It's in season 11, okay, season 11 kicks off January 30th. You have time to catch up.
24:37 Pablo Torre? If January 30th-
24:38 Speaker 02 Season 11.
24:39 Pablo Torre? Is the beginning of season 11.
24:40 Speaker 02 That's right.
24:41 Pablo Torre? And if you were to summarize the previous 10 seasons-
24:44 Speaker 02 Oh my god, the best reality TV.
24:45 Pablo Torre? For someone who has never seen but has heard certainly of Lisa Vanderpump.
24:48 Speaker 02 Uh huh.
24:49 Pablo Torre? Who again, seems like an auto-generated name. You would say that I have missed what?
24:56 Speaker 02 The premise is, it's a bunch of young people that work at a restaurant. Immediately you find out in season 2 and 3 and 4 and so forth, it's not what the show's about. The show's just about these people fighting and having sex with each other and cheating on each other and punching each other and getting nose jobs. There's a giant cheating scandal in this show.
25:14 Pablo Torre? I've made it. I've almost made it, I should say, to the end. I've almost made it to 2024 without knowing what the scam, Scamdevol?
25:22 Speaker 02 Scandival?
25:23 Pablo Torre? Sc- of course, Scandival. Is.
25:26 Speaker 02 You get it? Tom Sandoval? Scandal?
25:28 Pablo Torre? I, I, I don't actually get any of it.
25:30 Speaker 02 Hmm.
25:31 Pablo Torre? What should I know?
25:32 Speaker 02 About Scandival?
25:33 Pablo Torre? Yeah.
25:33 Speaker 02 Yo, it's the most famous cheating scandal of all time, okay?
25:36 Pablo Torre? Of all time.
25:37 Speaker 02 Of all time, bro.
25:38 Pablo Torre? Houston Astros. Black Sox.
25:41 Speaker 02 Doesn't hold a candle to this. Tom Sandoval, dead to me, and he's dead to America, okay? So Tom Sandoval cheated on his longtime girlfriend. They were not married, but despicable act because he did it with a friend, did it for months long while he was on camera. The crazy thing is that you get to see it play out in season 10. Like, it's all, it's all, you get to see it all happen in real time.
26:03 Pablo Torre? We became really good friends. Like, I was seeking something that I wasn't getting here. And that's selfish, that's really selfish.
26:10 Speaker 03 Selfish is the nicest word you could use.
26:13 Pablo Torre? It's horrible. Me and Raquel became like really good friends.
26:16 Speaker 03 I don't give a **** about **** Raquel!
26:21 Speaker 03 Your friendship is **** bull-
26:23 Pablo Torre? No, it's not!
26:23 Speaker 03 Yes, it is!
26:24 Pablo Torre? No, it's **** not!
26:25 Speaker 03 It's bull-
26:26 Pablo Torre? You know everything, you know everything! Hey, everybody!
26:29 Speaker 03 You are disgusting!
26:30 Pablo Torre? This person knows everything!
26:31 Speaker 03 Your friendship with Raquel is disgusting!
26:34 Pablo Torre? You cannot tell, well, guess what? It's real because she treats me with **** respect.
26:39 Speaker 02 I haven't gotten from you in a long time.
26:42 Pablo Torre? How much time would you say you've spent watching?
26:44 Speaker 02 As soon as we're done here, I'm gonna go watch some more reality TV. I got Potomac and Real Housewives of Miami on the mind.
26:50 Pablo Torre? You're telling me that the true meaning of Christmas? Is that a dude without a neck who puts mayonnaise in his hair? Who got into a legal quote unquote relationship with a woman from the Philippines?
27:08 Speaker 02 Of course it's legal, 90 days.
27:10 Pablo Torre? The star in the north that I should be following?
27:13 Speaker 02 Instead?
27:14 Pablo Torre? Towards the manger of Christmas cheer.
27:17 Speaker 02 Instead, Violet Earmost, you wanna like follow some fake old guy with a beard? And pull out some stupid tree? And drive it to Rockefeller Center and pray to and shit like? That's more important to you than like Real Housewives? And Love After Lockup? Come on, man. Prison Love? Come on.
27:36 Speaker 02 The fuck was that? That was not a knock?
27:38 Pablo Torre? The sound that I am hearing right now?
27:41 Speaker 02 Is the producers telling us to stop talking about this?
27:44 Pablo Torre? Well, it's also the sound of someone knocking on the door.
27:47 Speaker 02 Wow, someone's trying to barge in here and take over this?
27:50 Pablo Torre? And I cannot imagine how we could possibly improve on what it is that I've been finding out so far.
27:55 Speaker 02 Let's find out who it is.
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31:23 Pablo Torre? We work in an office. People can wander by and hear something that they vehemently object to.
31:32 Pablo Torre? Apparently in the spirit of Christmas. Yes. Hi. Hello, Charlotte Wilder. It's me, Charlotte Wilder. I have, I have to talk to you, Ryan Cortez.
31:39 Speaker 02 Hello.
31:40 Pablo Torre? My reality show, Brother in Arms. Oh, God. How could you leave off Selling O.C., even from an O-L-I and Perfect Match, two Netflix shows of maximum chaos?
31:51 Speaker 02 I'll give you Selling O.C. as a legitimate misfire by me. I'm not including Selling O.C. as a spinoff of Selling Sunset.
32:00 Pablo Torre? Let me guess, it's a show where a bunch of people who are insane do insane things.
32:04 Speaker 02 That's right. Perfect Match, I still don't know if I would put it in my O-L-I. My O-L-I, it's, it's hard to make it. It's hard to make my O-L-I.
32:12 Pablo Torre? Perfect Match is, they take everybody from the Netflix reality family, because it is a family. They all love each other and care about each other very much, probably. And then they put them on an island and then they all have to hook up with each other.
32:25 Speaker 02 Sounds like all the shows I named.
32:27 Pablo Torre? So, I will love, though, I, I should say that there is like a holiday spectacular vibe to that. It's like all the people that you've seen gather in one place to do something special. We're gonna do some non-reality stuff, right? Yeah, well, I was like, is this supposed to be a Christmas episode? And producers were like, yeah. And I was like, I better come in and save this thing because what, why are we talking about Below Deck? So, my mom's Jewish. My dad's not. So, I grew up doing Christmas. Did you guys, to what extent did your parents go through with Santa, the performance of Santa? So, my parents didn't. I would go to my cousin's house with my dad and my mom would meet us there later because she was like, I'm Jewish. I don't love this. I felt
33:12 Pablo Torre? sort of cut out of this my whole life. Like, why should I suddenly buy in? And like, when I asked my mom if Santa was real, she goes, you want me to tell you what you want to hear or do you want me to tell you the truth?
33:25 Speaker 03 So as I enjoyed Christmas, as I got older and sort of realized how she felt about it, I was like, I felt sort of guilty for liking Christmas. Even though she was like, great, go for it. Like, love Christmas, who cares?
33:36 Pablo Torre? I, I got the whole thing of like cookies in the morning that had like bites taken out of them, a note with penmanship, like, you know, curlicued calligraphy of, of, of a Santa Clausian manner. The whole deal, like milk glass. My, my parents went through the whole thing.
33:54 Speaker 03 See, I love that because I was also, I was best friends with the tooth fairy. I would write her letters, like even if I didn't lose a tooth, I'd be like, someone for the tooth fairy tonight. Mo was like, oh, okay. So like the Santa stuff, like my aunt and uncle, they would take a bite out of a carrot that we would leave for the reindeer.
34:08 Pablo Torre? Yes.
34:09 Speaker 03 I was so all in.
34:12 Speaker 02 Christmas is kind of stupid. Like I, I don't, you know, when I was a kid, I was like an investigative journalist as like a four or five year old. Like I could smell the bull**** that this wasn't true. So I was always asking around, you know, like, and I had some older friends and they eventually told me, you know, it's not true. And then I was going around telling people, you know, the **** is not real, right?
34:30 Pablo Torre? Of course you were.
34:30 Speaker 02 Because people need to know the truth. That's what we do now as journalists, right? But if I do it as a kid, it's a bad thing with Santa? Come on.
34:37 Speaker 03 I just love that you're, you've been so consistent your whole life.
34:41 Speaker 02 I agree.
34:42 Speaker 03 That's really cool, Cortez.
34:44 Speaker 02 Thank you.
34:44 Pablo Torre? You are bringing us your cataloging.
34:47 Speaker 03 Yeah.
34:48 Pablo Torre? Of, of the songs of the most popular holiday.
34:52 Speaker 03 Well, so you know how Cortez said that he was told to make a top five list and said, I'm going to do whatever I want? I was not told to make any list and I made a top five list and I made two of them because as I was trying to come here to tell you guys.
35:04 Pablo Torre? List.
35:04 Speaker 03 No.
35:05 Speaker 02 It's like a teacher's.
35:06 Speaker 03 Two separate top five lists.
35:08 Speaker 02 I don't do homework. She does too much homework.
35:10 Pablo Torre? Yeah, I was looking at Cortez's computer screen. It was just, uh, iTunes.
35:15 Speaker 02 It was like 90 Day Fiance, colon, cheaters. Like that's all I had.
35:18 Speaker 03 Mine's like a multi-page Google Doc. Oh my God.
35:21 Speaker 02 Bro, that's a lot of words in there.
35:23 Speaker 03 Okay, well, you know, I want.
35:24 Speaker 02 Need an editor. So.
35:25 Speaker 03 God damn it, Cortez. So I, I wanted to tell you guys why I hate Christmas. Songs, but then I realized I like them, so I just made two lists of my favorite Christmas songs.
35:33 Pablo Torre? So I failed to understand how this is not a top 10 list.
35:36 Speaker 03 What part of it don't you understand? It is two top five lists, two separate lists. One is a list, Christmas song, Christmas songs. The other one is good songs that aren't just Christmas songs, but that are Christmas songs.
35:51 Pablo Torre? Hmm.
35:51 Speaker 02 Very confusing list.
35:52 Pablo Torre? So songs that have, okay, no, this makes sense.
35:55 Speaker 02 Okay.
35:55 Pablo Torre? Songs that have the behavior of Christmas songs. And Christmas songs, it's a difference, it's a difference between being a racist and someone who's doing racist things.
36:03 Speaker 02 I see, it's like 90 Day Fiance, 90 Day Fiance the other way.
36:05 Pablo Torre? Yeah.
36:06 Speaker 03 Yes.
36:06 Speaker 02 Okay.
36:08 Pablo Torre? We can all agree on that.
36:09 Speaker 03 The songs that aren't Christmas songs, but are Christmas songs are songs you can listen to all year round.
36:13 Pablo Torre? Hmm, okay.
36:14 Speaker 03 Okay, number five, New York, New York by Frank Sinatra.
36:19 Speaker 02 I've heard of that guy, yeah, yeah, yeah. New York, I can't do too much, I don't get fined, but. Start spreading the news.
36:26 Pablo Torre? Yeah.
36:26 Speaker 03 Is that it?
36:27 Pablo Torre? So.
36:27 Speaker 03 Or is that a different Frank Sinatra song?
36:29 Speaker 02 They all sound the same.
36:30 Pablo Torre? This is confusing to me.
36:32 Speaker 02 Fly me to the moon.
36:35 Pablo Torre? New York, New York, I have heard at the conclusion of every Yankee game I've ever been to. I've never once thought this is the spirit of Christmas.
36:44 Speaker 03 Really? I, Frank Sinatra, to me, Christmas is like dark and cozy and that's, I feel like Frank Sinatra should be played in a steakhouse with like a low ceiling and a lot of leather. And that feels like Christmas to me. If you asked me to describe Christmas, it'd be a steakhouse.
36:58 Pablo Torre? Number one has to be steak.
37:00 Speaker 03 Keens in New York City.
37:03 Pablo Torre? Number two has a low ceiling. Number three, we can all agree, lots of leather.
37:08 Speaker 03 Yes.
37:09 Pablo Torre? Okay.
37:10 Speaker 03 Four is a song, Wintering by the 1975.
37:16 Pablo Torre? Did you just Google like Christmas related words into like a song, into like lyrics A to Z?
37:25 Speaker 03 I can, maybe.
37:27 Pablo Torre? Very good.
37:28 Speaker 03 Okay, number three, Tis the Damn Season by Taylor Swift. Thank you.
37:35 Speaker 03 Is this the most confident Christmas episode anybody's ever made?
37:38 Pablo Torre? This is definitely a, I can't even say it's definitely a Christmas episode at this rate. What it, so this song is about?
37:46 Speaker 03 Somebody who, who has left her hometown and goes to the big city to try and make it. And then she goes back home and it's about, you know, she's staying at her parents' house. And it's like the person she loved from home still lives there and drives a truck. Um, that's pretty much it. But tis the damn season, which feels sort of Christmasy, right?
38:05 Pablo Torre? Mmm.
38:06 Speaker 03 I think it's about Christmas.
38:06 Pablo Torre? So this feels like, this is, this is the Die Hard is a Christmas movie of Christmas songs.
38:11 Speaker 03 Yeah, but like a little more Christmasy.
38:13 Pablo Torre? Okay.
38:14 Speaker 03 I've also never seen Die Hard.
38:15 Speaker 02 Wow.
38:16 Pablo Torre? This all makes sense.
38:17 Speaker 02 I'm gonna give a quick take. Taylor Swift, overrated. Just throwing that out there.
38:20 Pablo Torre? Jesus, man.
38:22 Speaker 03 Big thumbs down to that one.
38:23 Speaker 02 Never heard it, but like the hype is so high, it can't be that good. It just can't be.
38:26 Speaker 03 I'm gonna send you, I'm gonna make you a playlist of the best ones.
38:29 Speaker 02 Is it grunge? I'm only listening to one thing now and it's grunge. I'm not listening to Christmas music.
38:34 Speaker 03 Okay.
38:34 Pablo Torre? Cause he was listening to [BLEEP] Alice in Chains before this recording started.
38:38 Speaker 03 Does Alice in Chains have a Christmas song?
38:42 Speaker 02 It's called Rooster.
38:43 Speaker 03 Anyway, number two, The Day After Tomorrow by Phoebe Bridgers.
38:49 Pablo Torre? Great movie.
38:50 Speaker 02 Never seen it.
38:51 Speaker 03 Which is a cover of a Tom Waits song. Absolutely beautiful. Highly recommend.
38:56 Pablo Torre? This is the song where the real villain is the weather.
39:00 Speaker 02 Mmm.
39:01 Speaker 03 Yes.
39:01 Pablo Torre? Ever seen that one? Like the wolves show up?
39:03 Speaker 03 Who's in that? Is that Tom Cruise?
39:05 Pablo Torre? Dennis Quaid.
39:06 Speaker 03 Dennis Quaid?
39:07 Pablo Torre? Dennis Quaid.
39:08 Speaker 03 So yes.
39:08 Pablo Torre? Day After Tomorrow. That's not what this song is about, is what you're saying.
39:12 Speaker 03 The Day After Tomorrow is, or Day After Tomorrow is one of the saddest songs.
39:17 Speaker 02 You guys have heard like 2X Speed on podcasts? That's what I would do to that song.
39:23 Speaker 02 It was slow.
39:23 Speaker 03 Which is beautiful.
39:26 Pablo Torre? There are feelings in that one. There are real feelings that Charlotte clearly feels and you're trying to just fast forward through them like it's a, like it's a ball spray ad.
39:35 Speaker 02 The quicker I could get to reality TV, the better.
39:37 Pablo Torre? Okay. Charlotte?
39:39 Speaker 03 Yep.
39:39 Pablo Torre? Your number one of your list of songs that are not Christmas songs, but have the behavior of Christmas songs is?
39:48 Speaker 03 Close enough, yes. Number one, So Much Wine by Phoebe Bridgers.
39:56 Speaker 03 Even sadder song.
39:59 Speaker 03 Even more beautiful song.
40:01 Pablo Torre? Double Phoebe Bridgers.
40:03 Speaker 03 Which is a cover of The Handsome Family.
40:06 Pablo Torre? This is sad, this song. Not your list, although. "When you burnt your hair and knocked over chairs, I just tried to stay out of your way."
40:15 Speaker 03 Yeah.
40:15 Pablo Torre? "But when you fell asleep with blood on your teeth, I just got in my car and drove away." So I've been trying to like, explain, um, hopefully at the end of this episode, what Christmas means to my three-year-old.
40:26 Speaker 03 Oh.
40:27 Pablo Torre? So I don't know if Violet's gonna necessarily appreciate the nuances.
40:33 Speaker 03 See, it's a pretty song and she probably won't listen to the words that close. Or you could sing the tune and make up new words for her.
40:42 Speaker 03 You know?
40:42 Speaker 02 She's gotta grow up quick. Enough of this like dilly-dally.
40:45 Speaker 03 Cortez knew Santa wasn't real when he was four, Pablo.
40:47 Speaker 02 Stop treating her like a three-year-old.
40:50 Speaker 03 Tell her the truth.
40:52 Pablo Torre? Tell her the goddamn truth.
40:53 Speaker 03 Okay, second list, actual Christmas songs?
40:56 Pablo Torre? Please.
40:57 Speaker 03 Or, as I wrote down, Christmas song, Christmas songs?
40:59 Pablo Torre? Christmas song, Christmas songs.
41:00 Speaker 03 All right, starting, O-L-I.
41:02 Pablo Torre? Okay.
41:02 Speaker 03 "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree."
41:04 Pablo Torre? I know that one.
41:05 Speaker 03 Yeah, that's a fun one, right?
41:06 Pablo Torre? That's sort of like-
41:07 Speaker 03 Rockin' around... Are we gonna get sued if I sing that one? I think I-
41:11 Pablo Torre? Is-
41:11 Speaker 03 I think I've gotten better at singing. I can't sing.
41:13 Pablo Torre? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Is "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" public domain?
41:18 Speaker 02 Sing it, don't be a coward. Let's go.
41:20 Speaker 03 Rockin' around the Christmas tree.
41:25 Pablo Torre? It is! Keep going!
41:26 Speaker 03 Dress so merrily around the town. Christmas won't be Christmas if we're flying in a car.
41:40 Speaker 03 That's how it goes, right? Yeah, so that's my O-L-I. Number four, "Santa Tell Me" by Ariana Grande.
41:51 Pablo Torre? So this is number five?
41:52 Speaker 03 Nope.
41:55 Pablo Torre? You, you didn't, you didn't pick a fifth one.
41:58 Speaker 03 No, I have a fifth one. I just, I just, it's after the- Page break on my Google Doc.
42:04 Pablo Torre? So, okay. So, um.
42:07 Speaker 03 I can make this fo- I can make this five and switch five to four.
42:12 Pablo Torre? Number five?
42:13 Speaker 03 Number five, "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town," the Bruce Springsteen version.
42:20 Speaker 02 The Boss.
42:21 Pablo Torre? The Boss. I respect this choice.
42:23 Speaker 03 Thank you. It's an incredible song, the way he sings it with that sandpaper voice. Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town.
42:33 Pablo Torre? This is feeling Christmasy-er.
42:35 Speaker 03 Are we getting somewhere?
42:36 Pablo Torre? We are getting somewhere.
42:36 Speaker 03 Okay. Number three, "Fairy Tale Of Philadelphia" by the Kelsey Brothers.
42:44 Speaker 03 You know how Jason Kelsey did a Christmas album with the Eagles?
42:47 Pablo Torre? You're putting this number three.
42:50 Speaker 02 Philadelphia, horrible city. Waste of time. Stupid people, bad food.
42:55 Pablo Torre? I am mad that he's actually good at singing, deep in his baritone.
43:01 Speaker 03 Oops, that's not okay.
43:04 Speaker 03 Okay, we can't keep talking about this because number two is "Fairy Tale Of New York" by the Pogues.
43:09 Pablo Torre? Which is a classic. R.I.P.
43:11 Speaker 03 Shane McGowan.
43:12 Pablo Torre? R.I.P. That guy. Legend.
43:14 Speaker 03 Which is the song, this is the song that number three, "Fairy Tale Of Philadelphia," is based on.
43:17 Pablo Torre? Yes, Shane McGowan. I watched a video of the, his funeral.
43:21 Speaker 03 Yes, me too.
43:22 Pablo Torre? And they played "Fairy Tale Of New York," and I legitimately teared up.
43:24 Speaker 03 Me too. I cried.
43:25 Pablo Torre? This is not number one?
43:27 Speaker 03 Nope, it's number two.
43:28 Speaker 02 Isn't the Pogues from Outer Banks Netflix reality show?
43:32 Pablo Torre? I don't know what you're talking about, but I feel confident in saying the answer is no.
43:36 Speaker 02 Answer's yes. There's a family called the Pogues.
43:38 Speaker 03 How do they spell it?
43:39 Speaker 02 P-O-G-S.
43:40 Speaker 03 Yeah.
43:41 Pablo Torre? That is not how they spell it here.
43:43 Speaker 02 It's close.
43:43 Pablo Torre? It is, I guess technically, close. What's number one?
43:48 Speaker 03 Number one is "All I Want For Christmas Is You" by Mariah Carey.
43:54 Speaker 03 That is an absolute-
43:56 Pablo Torre? Banger. I want to be cynical about this choice because in some ways it is the most obvious choice.
44:08 Pablo Torre? But listening to that song does make me feel things. Yeah, it's also the best choice. Some things are popular for a reason, like this song and Taylor Swift.
44:20 Speaker 02 Oh god, enough with Taylor Swift.
44:22 Pablo Torre? Have you, you know this song though?
44:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, of course.
44:25 Pablo Torre? How you, how's it go?
44:26 Speaker 02 What's the title again?
44:27 Pablo Torre? All I Want For Christmas Is You.
44:32 Pablo Torre? Sing it. I know the jingle. You can try and speak it.
44:34 Speaker 02 All I want for Christmas is you. And then Rydell Carey dances.
44:37 Pablo Torre? I'm trying to think how it starts, actually. I don't want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. The snow's coming down. No. Christmas. What? I'm watching. Oh, is that not it? That is not. What am I singing? What am I singing?
44:59 Pablo Torre? Oh, I'm feeling different feelings. Did you just make up a Christmas song? Oh shit. I was singing Christmas Baby Please Come Home, also by Rydell Carey. Oh.
45:11 Pablo Torre? I feel like no one has ever mixed up what All I Want For Christmas Is You is before. Yeah. Yeah, that was embarrassing for ya boy.
45:24 Pablo Torre? We need to find a song we can play in full that we have the rights to. You want me to Google rights-free Christmas songs? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What about this?
45:42 Speaker 02 Now we're talking. Hey, hell yeah.
45:46 Pablo Torre? My nuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost sniffing at my ass. Jesus Christ. This is Greg Cody?
46:01 Speaker 02 This goes hard, that's what I'm talking about.
46:11 Pablo Torre? Cortez.
46:24 Speaker 02 Beautiful tune. Go on, Greg.
46:38 Pablo Torre? Greg Cody has a shockingly good voice. Yeah, he sounds incredible. It gets drunker from there. Spoiler alert. Wipe out both my lists. There is only one good Christmas song. Greg Cody, whatever that was. The Mariah Carey of Metal Lark Media. Some might say.
47:15 Pablo Torre? So as I sit at my keyboard contemplating the meaning of Christmas, the meaning of the holiday season, I should say even more specifically as a buffet Catholic who does, I guess, consider the technical definition of Christmas an open and shut matter. It's the birth of Jesus Christ. I realize that the meaning of the season isn't actually up to me. I've sort of misinterpreted this whole exercise, I realize now, because it's clear, having talked to Cortez and Charlotte, that Christmas is a social holiday. What does this mean? It means that it is up to
47:56 Pablo Torre? the people around us to tell us what it means to them or to show us. Because what we're about to do this holiday season, what we hopefully have already been doing, is enjoying other people enjoying something, which is such a rare treat in life these days, or maybe always, all days. Because it's a sanctioned opportunity to enjoy other people enjoying something, whether it is the music, the break from work, the reality television, the god awful reality television they're about to watch. Other people are what make this time of year so beautiful and also for those of us who are alone which is many of us
48:40 Pablo Torre? it makes it so tough as well because it is a social holiday about enjoying other people enjoying the holiday it's a bit tautological but I think it's also the point
48:55 Pablo Torre? and so what does Christmas mean to me I should probably ask one more person one more source to to tell me what they think
49:07 Pablo Torre? what's your name you have to introduce yourself Violet how old are you
49:12 Pablo Torre? three three and what is the meaning of Christmas
49:20 Pablo Torre? it's a holiday that's right and and Violet's favorite part of Christmas is the trees the trees and garlands and wreaths and garlands and wreaths and stockings and stockings Jingle bells you want to sing it for everyone yeah I loud this time loud this time yeah okay Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way All the way, it's the way the world has always been hey Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
50:03 Pablo Torre? All the way, it's the way the world has always been hey that's a great job
50:13 Pablo Torre? and it likes poo poo okay any other thoughts for everybody listening to the show about what they should hear from you before you go
50:26 Pablo Torre? don't say it poo poo
50:32 Pablo Torre? whisper Saying it still means you're saying it. Merry Christmas.
50:43 Pablo Torre? And whatever holiday you are celebrating this time of year, thank you for enjoying it with us. Thank you to Booshambi, the greatest voice in baseball, for being the voice at the top of the show, for our Christmas poem. Thank you to the staff of Pablo Torre Finds Out, the greatest staff in sports podcasting. Because I could not do this without Michael Antonucci, Ryan Cortez, Sam Daywig, Juan Galindo, Patrick Kim, Neely Lohman, Rachel Miller Howard, Ethan Schreier, Carl Scott, Matt Sullivan, Chris Tumanello, and Juliet Warren. Studio engineering, of course, by RG Systems. Post-production by NGW Post. Our theme song, as always, by Jean Bravo.
51:24 Pablo Torre? This has been Pablo Torre Finds Out, a Meadowlark Media production. And I'll talk to you next time.
51:47 Pablo Torre? My most annoying friend growing up, her mom loved Michael Buble, so I hate Michael Buble. Michael Buble is a basic [BLEEP].
51:54 Speaker 02 I just look at the name, it looks like Bubble. That's all I think about. Michael Bubble.
52:00 Speaker 02 I don't even know what his music is.
52:03 Pablo Torre? Mikey Bubs? Mikey Bubs. Mikey Boobs? I found, I found out that Ryan Cortez's favorite TV shows make me feel the way that Phoebe Bridgers' songs sound.
52:18 Speaker 02 The one from Fleabag. You learned that mayo is good for your hair?
52:22 Pablo Torre? I did. Have you?
52:24 Speaker 02 No, I'm not trying. I hate mayo.
52:26 Pablo Torre? Mayo's delicious. I like it, and I'm not gonna put it in my hair.
52:29 Speaker 02 Right.
52:30 Pablo Torre? I am off of, I am like, not shampooing my hair anymore. Oh. Because, thank you.
52:38 Speaker 02 You've always had good hair, but that seems like not a clean thing to do. But you gotta wash it like once a week or something, right?
52:44 Pablo Torre? Nah. Is it called a co-wash?
52:47 Speaker 02 Wait, what did you say you're not doing?
52:49 Pablo Torre? So I am washing it. But not shampooing it.
52:53 Speaker 02 Not shampoo.
52:54 Pablo Torre? Like washing with soap? Nah, no.
52:56 Speaker 02 So you're just putting water in it?
52:57 Pablo Torre? Yeah.
52:58 Speaker 02 No soap? So you're not washing it?
52:59 Pablo Torre? You're getting your hair wet. No, I think we're not. I think we're not.
53:03 Speaker 02 Yeah.
53:03 Pablo Torre? We're not agreeing on what wash means.
53:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, I agree. You're watering it like a plant.
53:06 Pablo Torre? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
53:06 Speaker 02 Washing it involves soap.
53:07 Pablo Torre? Paula waters his hair.
53:08 Speaker 02 You can't wash something without soap.
53:10 Pablo Torre? Absolutely.
53:11 Speaker 02 I don't think that's good. I think you need to wash it with soap at least like once a week. And I think probably more than that.
53:18 Pablo Torre? Dries it out.
53:18 Speaker 02 Alright, I'm gonna Google this. How often should you put soap in your hair?
53:25 Pablo Torre? Thanks.
53:28 Pablo Torre? You know, I'm like, oh, I don't feel like washing my hair. But I feel like- Like today, I was like, I should probably wash my hair before I'm on camera. And I was like, no. Your hair looks great. Thank you. It's shiny. It looks healthy. Yeah, cuz I haven't washed it. That's what I'm saying!
53:42 Speaker 02 Okay, it says that you should, you know, you don't have to wash it every day or every other day. But that's all it says. It doesn't say like you should just not wash it ever again.
53:49 Pablo Torre? So so far, if you say you don't have to wash it every day or every other day, what other days are left?
53:54 Speaker 02 Okay, the day after that. Like, you can't just go two weeks without washing. You know how bad that smells?
53:58 Pablo Torre? You're saying, I should wash it the day after tomorrow.
54:01 Speaker 02 You should probably wash it right now if you haven't washed it in a week. How long has it been since you put soap in your head?
54:08 Pablo Torre? Soap?
54:09 Speaker 02 Yeah.
54:10 Pablo Torre? Once a month.
54:11 Speaker 02 Okay, so we've stumbled upon the answer. You do it once per month is when you decide.
54:15 Pablo Torre? When do you start? Because I get a haircut. No, sorry, every three weeks. I get a haircut every three weeks. You do a haircut every three weeks? Every three weeks. God, men are wild. How often do you get a haircut? Oh, just, you know, twice a year, three times a year. What? Whenever I feel like it. Whenever I start to feel like a horse girl is when I get my haircut.
54:39 Speaker 02 That's weird. Yeah, I don't know what to do with that. I mean, it's working for you. Your hair is certainly better than mine, but I feel like that's not-
54:45 Pablo Torre? I didn't wanna say anything.
54:46 Speaker 02 I get it, you know? But still, I don't feel like not putting soap ever.
54:50 Pablo Torre? Your beard looks great.
54:51 Speaker 02 Thank you.
54:52 Pablo Torre? Yeah, I mean.
54:54 Speaker 02 Anyway.
54:55 Pablo Torre? I'm-
54:56 Speaker 02 I would consider doing it maybe like every other week? Maybe? Every week, even?
55:01 Pablo Torre? Probably not gonna do that. Probably gonna do it less, just to spite you now.
55:05 Speaker 02 That's gross.
55:06 Pablo Torre? Most iconic haircuts, go! Meg Ryan. Yep. Jennifer Aniston, Friends? Yep. Okay.
55:12 Speaker 02 The Rock.
55:16 Pablo Torre? Like the flat top?
55:19 Pablo Torre? Like the one with the chain? Or he's like standing with the fanny pack?
55:22 Speaker 02 Barry Melrose?
55:25 Pablo Torre? Yo, let me tell you something.
55:27 Speaker 02 Good hair?
55:28 Pablo Torre? Barry Melrose ain't shampoo and shit.
55:31 Speaker 02 Bro, he's doing it more than once a month. That's not normal behavior.
55:35 Pablo Torre? We're gonna find out how often Barry Melrose shampoos his hair. The answer is zero times a year.
55:40 Speaker 02 I get Barry Melrose and Barry Manilow confused.
55:43 Pablo Torre? I don't know if they're two more different Barry's.
55:45 Speaker 02 Who the hell is Barry Manilow? I've heard of that. I'm not even sure. He's a musician.
55:48 Pablo Torre? Who the hell is Barry Manilow?
55:49 Speaker 02 Not even totally sure. Is it a musician or an actor? I think he's like Michael Buble.
55:54 Pablo Torre? I'm gonna tell you something. I'm gonna tell you something. I just put into YouTube Barry Manilow. You know what the autocomplete was?
56:01 Speaker 02 What?
56:01 Pablo Torre? For the next...
56:02 Speaker 02 I don't even know the race of this person now that I think about it.
56:04 Pablo Torre? What race do you think Barry Manilow is?
56:10 Speaker 02 That feels like a trap. I'm guessing he's very old.
56:14 Pablo Torre? Doesn't look it.
56:15 Speaker 02 He might be dead already.
56:16 Pablo Torre? He is alive.
56:17 Speaker 02 Really? I feel like that's an old name.
56:20 Pablo Torre? It is an old name, but we digress. He is 80 years old.
56:24 Speaker 02 Yo, he looks like Bon Jovi. Is he Martin Short?
56:26 Pablo Torre? He looks like a Martin Short character.
56:27 Speaker 02 Martin Short in Bon Jovi.
56:29 Pablo Torre? That's actually pretty dead on.
56:31 Speaker 02 I nailed it.
56:32 Pablo Torre? The words that come up when you autocomplete Barry Manilow? Barry Manilow Christmas Songs.
56:39 Speaker 02 He's a singer. This just came full circle.
56:45 Speaker 02 I learned something on the show. Oh, he sang Copacabana. Cortez, you know that song? Is that like Casablanca? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
56:56 Pablo Torre? Is it like Casablanca?
56:58 Speaker 02 The na- it sounded similar. Like Barry Melrose and Barry Manilow. Right.
57:03 Pablo Torre? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Barry Melrose loves, um...
57:08 Speaker 02 Copacabana.
57:08 Pablo Torre? Copacabana.
57:10 Speaker 02 That's my favorite Christmas song. Copacabana by Barry Manilow.
57:17 Speaker 02 Probably you got interesting dancing skills.
57:20 Pablo Torre? You shut the fuck up.
57:22 Speaker 02 I just said interesting.
57:23 Pablo Torre? Whatever you're about to say next, shut up.
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Previous The 2024 Internet Etiquette Draft: Share & Tell with Mina Kimes and Dan Le Batard Next Why Listening to Action Bronson Makes Us Happy Page updated November 5, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated