Adopting a Son, Building Confidence Without Arrogance, and Settling Into Sobriety | ASK ME ANYTHING

Ryan Michler and Kipp Sorensen tackle four powerful questions in this week's Ask Me Anything, covering stepfatherhood, confidence versus arrogance, addiction and sobriety, and the challenge of coaching your own child. They discuss why a biological father and a dad aren't necessarily the same thing, how confidence is earned, why temptation may never completely disappear, and how fathers can balance high standards with grace. Ryan also gets candid about a time he pushed a young athlete too hard and reflects on what truly matters when raising and leading children. The episode closes with an invitation to the upcoming Order of Man War Room. SHOW HIGHLIGHTS 00:00 - Episode Introduction 00:37 - Wholesome Segment: Guns and Shooting 09:54 - Viewer Questions Begin 10:17 - Stepfatherhood and the Meaning of "Dad" 19:08 - Confidence vs. Arrogance 26:06 - Sobriety, Temptation and Addiction 35:26 - Coaching Your Own Child 46:13 - War Room Invitation and Closing Battle Planners: Pick yours up today! https://store.orderofman.com/products/order-of-man-annual-battle-planner Order Ryan's new book, The Masculinity Manifesto https://www.amazon.com/Masculinity-Manifesto-Establishes-Influence-Credibility/dp/1684513316/ref=tmm_hrd_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1665048672&sr=8-1. For more information on the Iron Council brotherhood https://orderofman.link/iron-council. Want maximum health, wealth, relationships, and abundance in your life? Sign up for our free course, 30 Days to Battle Ready https://orderofman.link/battle-ready-0

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Not cool, man. Like, he's got a good dad in his life, they're engaged, but not cool. I could have been there, I could have been supportive. I don't even remember the game, I don't, I don't know the score, I don't remember the game, I don't remember, I don't even remember when it was. Which means that it wasn't important, but what I do remember is I rode that kid's ass hard. And he didn't deserve that from a guy he should have been looking up to. And your son doesn't deserve that from you. Kip, what's up, man? So good to see you, you look a little more, a little more clean and presentable than you have over the past couple of weeks. So, did your wife tell you to like, clean that up, or what happened?

• 0:40Speaker 01

  Oh, no, she wanted my hair to stay long. She was like, keep it long, and I just went to the barber mall, high and tight.

• 0:48Speaker 00

  She, she, she likes when she kisses you and finds like, little, little beard hairs in her mouth after she kisses you, she likes that, huh?

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, apparently, I don't know. I, one thing's for sure-

• 0:59Speaker 00

  Oh, are you being serious? She liked it long?

• 1:01Speaker 01

  She liked my hair long, not the beard so much, she loves my hair long. Yeah, no, she wants my hair long, but I was like, no, I can't. It's frustrating, I'm constantly tucking my hair in my hat, training jujitsu, hairs in my face, I go swimming, hairs in my face, I'm like, dude, this is miserable. So, I had to call it.

• 1:23Speaker 00

  I think I told you, I was training jujitsu when I had that beard, it was probably like, 10 or 11 inches.

• 1:29Speaker 01

  Oh, I remember this, cuz you're like, I'm never tra, I'm never trimming my beard, I was like, nah, just give it time.

• 1:36Speaker 00

  And he ripped out a chunk of my beard hair and held it in his fist like he was an Apache warrior. He might have even like screamed-

• 1:46Speaker 01

  Scalped you.

• 1:47Speaker 00

  And, and at the same time, like an Apache warrior.

• 1:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, that was like, alright, I came home and that, that got trimmed real quick after that.

• 1:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's, that's pretty miserable, that's pretty miserable.

• 2:03Speaker 00

  He thought it was hilarious. I thought it was not hilarious, but it's what it is.

• 2:11Speaker 00

  Alright, man, well, hey, so wholesome segment of the week. I had a really good, and I promise these guys are not paying for me to say this, but I actually went out to Wisconsin over the weekend and was able to shoot with Vortex Optics. So, Vortex is the just optic manufacturer in the world. And I got to shoot some things.

• 2:38Speaker 00

  I, I don't know if I should, I'm gonna say it, I don't know if I should say it, but I'm definitely gonna say it. But I was able to shoot some, some top secret military equipment.

• 2:50Speaker 00

  And the technology that is out there and available is crazy, so I got a little coin from my friend Seamus out there at Vortex. This is my, my thousand yard bison coin, hitting, hitting targets out at a thousand yards. So, we had a really good time out there, man, it was just a lot of fun. And if you don't shoot guns, shame on you.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  That's a wholesome segment.

• 3:19Speaker 00

  That's the wholesome segment. Guns are wholesome, man, they're loud, they smell awful, you shoot them cuz it's gunpowder, they make explosive noises, they destroy things. And if you don't do that, you're in the wrong place, that's it, period, you're in the wrong place.

• 3:35Speaker 01

  Well, my seven year old-

• 3:37Speaker 00

  Oh, go ahead.

• 3:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, go ahead. Well, I was just gonna say, my seven year old, two nights ago, he was like, we were talking about war. You, you could see how my house is being ran here, we're talking about war, and he goes, has, has anybody, why don't they ever have war with America, like, show up and fight us here? And, and I'm like, because we all have guns, that's why. And he's like, really? And I'm like, yeah, and I'm like, and you know, so I hopped on the phone really quick, I'm like, let me show this statistic here. And the statistic, I think it was like, it's like over 100%, right? There are like, more guns in America than there are actual people in America.

• 4:21Speaker 01

  And it's, it's just awesome, you know what I mean? I'm like, yeah, that, that's how we roll.

• 4:26Speaker 00

  As it should be, like, why wouldn't we? You know, I probably got, you know, one thing I hate is when guys are like, I lost all my guns in a boating accident. I'm like, I didn't lose shit, you know, because I'm allowed to have a gun and tell other people I own a gun. Now, I'm not gonna give you my serial numbers, but I'm also not gonna pretend like I don't have guns, I have a lot of them. And I'm well within my legal rights to have them, so I don't need to pretend that I lost my guns in a boating accident, that shit bothers me.

• 4:58Speaker 01

  That's funny. Why, because they're trying to, they're, they're trying not to have it publicly known that they have guns, is that why?

• 5:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, it's a joke, right? They're saying it tongue in cheek a little bit, but also, I think the better thing to do is just to say, no, I have guns, I have a lot of them, I have guns. I, I, I've got them all accounted for, and if you break into my house, prepare to get some lead thrown at you. Like, what more do you want me to say?

• 5:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:28Speaker 00

  I'm well within my consti, constitutional rights to have those things, so, yeah, that's, I never got into the, I lost my guns in a boating accident thing.

• 5:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, got it.

• 5:38Speaker 00

  I was also looking at gun statistics, so here's, here's the stats, you ready for this? Wholesome, wholesome segment of the week.

• 5:47Speaker 00

  This is what Claude said, there are more guns than people in the US, we know that. The most current estimates, so for 2026, put it around 1.5 firearms per person, so roughly about 500 million civilian owned firearms in the United States as of 2026, against a population of about 340 million. And that works out to approximately 1.5 guns per person, or 1.93 per adult. And I'm just gonna go ahead and say, I'm, I'm carrying a heavy load on this one, cuz I do, I have a lot more than 1.93 guns in my house. What else we got here?

• 6:25Speaker 00

  The most cited baseline figure from 2017, 120.5 civilian owned firearms per 100 people, it's the highest rate in the world.

• 6:41Speaker 00

  Ownership has grown since then, two surges drove the increases, the 2000s, the rise of the modern sporting rifle, and a pandemic era spike from 2020 through 2022.

• 6:53Speaker 01

  Interesting, a rise during the pandemic? That's interesting, I'm wondering what the psychology is on that.

• 7:02Speaker 00

  I don't know, it said, that alone added 60 million firearms in three years, hell yeah.

• 7:11Speaker 00

  You know, my, my knee jerk reaction is, government intervention, it's like, wait a second, wait a second, government, it's overreaching right now. Let me secure this, that's my, my knee jerk reaction.

• 7:27Speaker 00

  America has about 4% of the world's popu, this is crazy. America has about 4% of the world's population, but roughly 46% of the world's civilian owned firearms. Hell yeah.

• 7:47Speaker 00

  Let's see, couple things worth flagging, these are estimates, there's no national gun registry, good. Figures are built from manufacturing import data. Ownership is concentrated rather than evenly spread, about 42% of US households have at least one firearm, meaning a lot of the guns per person math is driven by owners with multiple firearms, rather than broad universal ownership. Yeah, cuz I'm, I'm, I'm carrying a load of about 10 to 15 times the national average, so, there you go.

• 8:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, and there's, I've seen a heat map-

• 8:24Speaker 00

  Just doing my part, man, just doing my part.

• 8:26Speaker 01

  And I've seen a heat map, and it's like, it's the north, it's the northwest, or it's, it's pretty much like Idaho, Utah, Montana, the Dakotas, Wyoming, there, that's a hotspot, and then the south is a hotspot, which, which, you know, is interesting. But those are the two highest hotspots.

• 8:46Speaker 00

  I gotta be really careful, cuz, so when it comes to the south, the southwest, I'm like, cowboys. When it comes to the, the south, the actual south-

• 8:56Speaker 01

  Gang, yes.

• 8:58Speaker 00

  I gotta be really careful.

• 9:02Speaker 00

  We should do that, we should do like, we should do cowboys versus, you know, gang members.

• 9:08Speaker 01

  Gang members, see how, he owns more guns, yeah. That's funny.

• 9:12Speaker 00

  Alright, I gotta be careful on that, definitely not politically correct, but wholesome, wholesome.

• 9:17Speaker 01

  I love it. Alright, let's hop into some questions.

• 9:20Speaker 00

  What do we got?

• 9:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, so, first off, Nathan Pruitt, I've adopted my wife's son from her first marriage when he was four years old. He's now 15, and just started calling another man dad, his biological father, who suddenly is trying to reinsert himself after a decade of silence. Legally and practically, I'm his dad, emotionally, I don't know where I, where I stand anymore. How do you protect that bond without making it a competition?

• 9:53Speaker 00

  Oh, look, I mean, I've not, I've not been in that situation. So I can feel for what you're going through. Good. Good. His dad wants to be back in his life. Good. As Jaco would say, isn't that amazing? Like, I don't, I don't know the story. I don't know the background. I don't even know if you believe the guy. I don't know if he's gonna be permanently there, but in my mind, I'm like, hell, yeah, dude. Dad wants to come back around and he's, he's, he's reasonable about it. He wants to be part of it. He's, he's engaged in it. Then that's a good thing. We talked about this last week, Kip, like, I've got, I've got other men, grown men in my kids' lives.

• 10:37Speaker 00

  I, I understand the draw to be

• 10:42Speaker 00

  competitive or territorial about it or for it to hurt. But what that means is that you care more about your own feelings than you do the success of your son, because this is not what you said. I want you to hear what you didn't say. Okay, you didn't say, hey, I'm worried that this guy is not fully committed, or he's gonna let down my son, or like, you didn't, that's not what you said. What you said is your son is calling him dad.

• 11:13Speaker 01

  He does have that right.

• 11:14Speaker 00

  So is that a him issue or a you issue? Yeah. So, so if you would have said like, hey, I don't, I don't know if this guy's gonna stick around. I don't know if this guy's gonna hurt him mentally or emotionally. Okay, good motive, but right now centered. With all due respect, I get it. I understand why you'd feel that way. But what do you, you don't have to protect a, a word. That's what it is. Dad's a word.

• 11:44Speaker 00

  The, the crazy thing is, I had a conversation, I actually had a conversation with my mom and I said something and she was offended by it. And we didn't talk for like a day or two. Cause we're the same. And I messaged her this morning before I got on the podcast with you. And I just said, hey, look, I, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you by, by saying what I said. It was not directed at you. And she's like, yeah, I just don't like that language. And I said, that's fair. Like, I can work on better language and I'm asking you for, to afford me some grace. Yeah, like, you don't. We don't, and she even said, weeks ago, she's like, hey, look, I don't always understand you. Yeah, you don't. So

• 12:24Speaker 00

  we're not gonna get tripped up over noises that our Leonardx's make. Like, it's a silly thing that people do.

• 12:33Speaker 00

  So, fine, he calls somebody else dad. That's a, that's a noise that your mouth makes.

• 12:42Speaker 00

  The real, the, the weight behind it is how you show up. And how you've been showing up for 11 years, I think. That has, that has little to do with the word, or the sound, I should say, dad. It's not, I'm not even, I'm not even gonna say it's a word. It's just a sound. I'm not, it has little to do with that sound. What matters is that you've been for 11 fucking years for that kid. Going to his games, coaching his sports, walking through challenging things. Maybe he had his first girlfriend, maybe he had his first breakup. That's what matters more than the noises that our mouths make that form the word dad.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, totally.

• 13:24Speaker 00

  I don't know. That's how I feel.

• 13:25Speaker 01

  I, I think Nathan, first off, I can relate, actually. And not only can I relate, I understand the sting. And there's a sting there and I get it. The best way for you to deal with this, though, is to get really clear that a biological father and you are not the same thing. And don't think they are. It's the ultimate lie. I've heard this so many times. Oh, it's the same. I'm, his, no, it's not the same. Your son has a biological connection to a guy that has been absent out of his life. And guess what? He's going to seek. And there's gonna be this innate desire to have a relationship with him. Why? Because who he is is part of his father.

• 14:06Speaker 01

  And it's not the same as his relationship with you. And it never will be. It never will be. So accept the fact that they're not the same. Now, do you love him? Absolutely. Do you show up and do you be an amazing father? All of that? Absolutely. But is your son gonna have this natural desire to have a relationship with his biological father? Absolutely, and he should. So, so who's, who's, who's dad role are you protecting? Yours or the one that might be really meaningful to your son? Right? So like you said, Ryan, flip the script, make this about what's best for your son, not about your ego, right? Or a threat to you. And, and welcome to being a stepfather.

• 14:51Speaker 01

  Right? It is a hard calling. You don't get this built in logical thing. You don't get these sons that just like, kinda love you unconditionally a little bit. Because you're their biological dad. Nope, you gotta work for it. And he's 15, so just wait until about 17 years old and then he crap, he throws in a because you're being disciplinary, throws in a, you're not my dad, right? Like, dude, absolutely, those things are coming, probably. And your job is to show up powerfully, agnostic, or regardless of, of how he acts, because you're doing the right thing.

• 15:28Speaker 00

  Well, you, so I, I would agree with all of that. And I just want to throw a disclaimer, Kip, you're, you are a stepfather. I'm not, right? So I think your words have more weight than mine do, but

• 15:41Speaker 00

  a couple of things that you said, and, and I take, I take a little bit of issue with this. So, so tell me what you think. You, you did say you have to work for it and I, and the spirit in which it's intended, but to me, what that makes it sound like, from where I sit, is that I can do something to earn or manipulate his love for me.

• 16:03Speaker 00

  And I, I would be, I would be cautious of that. From, again, with all due respect, from where I sit, like, I'm just gonna show up when, you know, when, when you, when you and her got married, it was, it was a package deal, right? And you just, because I know you, you just showed up

• 16:26Speaker 00

  regardless of, of all of that. Like, I'm just gonna be the best that I can possibly be. And then I'm just gonna let the chips fall where they may. So there's one thing. The other thing that I want to explain, and this, this might sound really crude, and I hope it doesn't come across as crude, but the reality is, is that there's a difference between dad and father, right? Like, any, food can get hard and ejaculate and impregnate a woman.

• 16:55Speaker 00

  That means you fathered a child. But dad? That's different. And he might be that language, because that's what's culturally acceptable and that's what's normal. You're his dad. He's his father. You're his dad. Cause you've been through all of that stuff outside of just the biology it takes to bring a child into the world. That's how I feel.

• 17:17Speaker 01

  Yeah. No, I totally agree with all of those things. Like, and, and I'm not saying, let me say it this way.

• 17:24Speaker 01

  Well, we, we talk about this all the time, right? Is we execute on the role of our responsibilities and sometimes we may get credit for it. And sometimes we may not. Right? We may not be appreciated as much as we quote unquote should be. But that's not why we're doing it. You know what I mean? And so, you know, continue to show up powerfully and, and do your job, you know? But, but if you're really being present, right? To like, what's best for your son. What's actually great for your son is for him to have a great relationship with his biological dad.

• 18:01Speaker 01

  Depending on the kind of guy he is.

• 18:02Speaker 00

  Conversations that you have. Fair enough. Yeah. I mean, yeah, sure. You know, we're, we're making that assumption. But, I mean, imagine the kind of conversations this guy can have and say, hey, look, like, your dad hasn't been around for a decade. I stepped up and I'm here and I love you and I care about you. And I also want you to have a good relationship with this man. Imagine the powerful conversations you could actually have. You just get out of your own way. So.

• 18:27Speaker 01

  Yeah. All right. All right. Garrett Solis, what's the line between confidence and arrogance in a man? And how do you know which side you're on?

• 18:41Speaker 00

  There's a scripture.

• 18:45Speaker 00

  I'll pull it up here in a minute, doing a little research in, in real time here. There's a scripture that basically says, by their fruits ye shall know thee.

• 18:55Speaker 00

  That's it. So confidence is.

• 19:02Speaker 00

  Okay, well, let me back up. We need to look at confidence from two different lenses. Confidence in ourselves, the way we feel about ourselves, and then confidence as perceived by others. So let's take you and me, for example, Kip. Let's say that I, I've, I've built the order of man and the, and the business and, and everything. And, and I'm confident in what I've built. I feel good. It inspires and motivates me. It makes me proud, not prideful, but proud of what I've built and I'm excited about what we're doing. That's not arrogance. That's just a level of confidence that says I've earned this, right? And I think our confidence is earned, whereas arrogance is typically not. So that's one side.

• 19:45Speaker 00

  The other side is that you might look at me from the outside and say, okay, that's a guy who's confident. He's sure of himself. He's built something incredible. He should be proud of what he's built and I'm inspired by that. And that is the key word, inspiration. I believe that confidence is inspiring to ourselves. If I'm confident in myself, it will inspire me to take risks, to do new things, to put myself out of my comfort zone. And it will inspire other people around me to follow me potentially, to follow in my footsteps, maybe to start their own movement or whatever it might be.

• 20:29Speaker 00

  But it's inspiring versus arrogance, which is deflating. No, nobody ever looked at an arrogant person and said, oh, that's a really good redeeming quality. It's actually demoralizing. I don't want to be like that guy. Oh, that guy's a jerk. Oh, he doesn't treat people well. Oh, he thinks too highly of himself. And so it's no longer inspirational. It's actually demoralizing. It's a character, arrogance is a character flaw. Confidence is a virtue. And really just, you, you just look at your results. Are there people around you who are inspired by you? Are they motivated by you? Are they compelled by you? Are they buying your products? Are they following you? Are they listening to your words?

• 21:13Speaker 00

  Are they respectful of you? If so, then there's probably a level of confidence. But if they're repelled and repulsed and rejecting you, then you're probably tap dancing or hit a cannonball into the, the area of arrogance. That's my thoughts on it.

• 21:30Speaker 01

  It's interesting. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know the root word of arrogance. So like my understanding of it might be wrong, but arrogance feels to me like it's very much about outward validation and comparison towards others. That if someone's arrogant is they believe that they are above and or superior to others. Where confidence doesn't have anything to do with an outside party. It's just how you are feeling about yourself. And thus you, just because I'm confident, doesn't mean I think I'm better than, or that someone else is less than. So I, I, that's the distinction I would make between the two.

• 22:10Speaker 01

  And we've talked about this, Ryan, because I, I love using a term that every leader should be confidently humble or have confident humility. And, and I add those together, but I shouldn't have to. Because I don't think there is, I don't think confidence exists without humility of where you are, what you know, what you don't know. Cause otherwise it'd be false confidence, right? It'd be something else. It would be make believe. It would be, you know, maybe even arrogance, right? So I think humility is a key element.

• 22:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:47Speaker 00

  So

• 22:49Speaker 00

  when you said, I don't know where the word comes from, I actually pulled it up because I thought this would be useful. So this is a good use of AI guys. Like we can find out like our, the access to information we have is incredible. So here's the root word, if you want to know of arrogance. So the word arrogance, come from the Latin word, erogare. I think that's how you say it, erogare.

• 23:13Speaker 00

  And literally, erogare means, quote, to claim for oneself or to appropriate. The sense of asking for something on your own behalf, often more than you're due. From there it became erogantia, meaning an excessive or presumptuous claiming of importance. And that's what came into English as the word arrogance. So the root word arrogance is essentially the act of asking or claiming things for yourself. And then I looked at the root word of confidence. So that one comes from confidancy. It, it, it literally means to trust fully, to have trust.

• 24:00Speaker 00

  Fidere, that, that makes sense because fidere is, you know, like faithful, right? To trust.

• 24:08Speaker 00

  Fidelity, faith, confide in, all come from that word too. So at the root, confidence is essentially full trust. Originally trust placed in someone or something else, which later did also mean trust in yourself. So kind of interesting. Pretty fascinating.

• 24:29Speaker 01

  I don't, I don't think we're too off.

• 24:33Speaker 00

  No, no, I mean, that's, I mean, we're, we're dead on with that, right? It's like to claim arrogance is to claim for yourself and confidence is having full trust in yourself. And in order to have full trust in yourself. Well, let me say it this way.

• 24:50Speaker 00

  Say you have a new relationship or maybe a new business partnership. And that person doesn't fully trust you, but over time, through your actions, they begin to trust you fully and have full confidence in you. It's something that's earned, like you, nobody just gives that to you. Kip, I didn't have that in you and you should not have had that in me when we started working together. But over the course of a decade, I have full trust in you based on your actions. I hope you have full to me based on mine. But that's something that was earned, not something that was just blindly given for no reason at all.

• 25:25Speaker 01

  Totally. All right, Dean Ferrero. I've been sober for four years and last month I sat in my truck outside a liquor store for 20 minutes before I drove away. Nobody knows that happened, not even my wife. I didn't drink, but the fact that I got that close scared me more than any relapse story I've ever heard. Does the pole ever actually stop or am I just white knuckling this for the rest of my life?

• 25:58Speaker 01

  And would it be different for everybody? Is it safe to assume that like your response is applicable to everybody? Or is it just there's scales to this, you know what I mean?

• 26:10Speaker 00

  No, I think it's, I think it's applicable to everybody, actually. I, I, I don't know for sure, but I think, and I don't care if it's, if it's alcohol abuse or pornography or gambling.

• 26:21Speaker 01

  Any addiction, really.

• 26:22Speaker 00

  Drug use or, or I don't, I don't care what it is. I think that we are, some people are more inclined to lean towards certain addictions and temptations more than others. Like, I mean, there's some guys who I, I fully believe just probably aren't tempted by pornography. For example, the way others are. I know for a fact, I mean, are you drawn in by alcohol? You personally, Kip?

• 26:50Speaker 01

  Not at all. But, but you know, what's fascinating is, is I spoke, I spoke with a good friend of mine, a good training partner of mine for years. And this is like his field of expertise is like addictions. And one day we're just chatting, he goes, he's all, no, no, he says, you misunderstand. Certain people are predisposed to certain drugs based upon their personalities and other traits. And I'm like, really? And he goes, and he goes, don't you already know what your drug of choice is? He's like, think about it. And, and he was right. I was like, actually, I totally do.

• 27:31Speaker 01

  I know without a doubt I would be an addict if I were like to touch like speed.

• 27:38Speaker 01

  Like, but, but being out of my head and laid back and lazy does not compute for me. But if I could like limitless drug from that movie, that sounds awesome. Like, that would probably be a problem. Yeah, that would be a problem for me.

• 27:55Speaker 00

  Just change my DNA. I don't need a drug. Just change my DNA.

• 27:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:00Speaker 00

  Bro, it's, it's real. Like, if I smell whiskey,

• 28:05Speaker 00

  it conjures up things for me.

• 28:08Speaker 01

  Really? The smell of it?

• 28:10Speaker 00

  Mm-hmm. The smell. Bro, if I smell it, my, so, so for guys who don't know, uh, my, my drink of choice, because I'm a cheap son of a gun, is Fireball whiskey, cinnamon whiskey. And guys are like, oh, it's so gross. It's like, no, I, I drank to get drunk.

• 28:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 28:33Speaker 00

  Not to spend money on fine whiskey.

• 28:35Speaker 01

  This stuff doesn't taste great. I just want to get to the result as fast as possible.

• 28:39Speaker 00

  I don't care about that. But that's also my personality, like that hyper efficient personality. It's like, I'm not here to like have fun. I'm here to get F up.

• 28:50Speaker 00

  And if I can do it cheaper than that way, that's what I'm gonna do. So.

• 28:53Speaker 01

  On a budget.

• 28:54Speaker 00

  I, totally. Like, when I was in high school, or out of high school, it was Natty Light. You know, I'd go buy a 24-pack of Natty Light and people are like, oh, it's piss water. No. But it got me drunk the same way Budweiser would. So, but it was cheaper. It's like half the price.

• 29:10Speaker 01

  Got it.

• 29:12Speaker 00

  So, that, that, that was, is my temptation. So, when I, when I smell it, or I don't even have to smell it. When people talk about it, like, I can't even have cinnamon gum around. Because it conjures, it, it does something, man. It, it like, it's like, mm, I need that. I want that. I'm having a hard day. Uh, I'm, I'm dealing with this issue. I could turn it off real quick, but just have a couple of sips. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I have to be really careful with that. So, um, well, first of all, to this, I can't remember his name, but to this gentleman, I mean, I commit you for not engaging.

• 29:58Speaker 00

  Try not to pull into the parking lot next time, because you're just flirting with temptation. It's like hiring the hot assistant when you're married. Probably don't hire her. Probably hire the, the 55-year-old grandma, who's, you know, maybe not totally attractive, but she'll do a good job for you. Because why put yourself into the situation where you're gonna be compromised? And this is where a lot of guys, this is really fascinating. I've experienced this personally. A lot of guys will say, well, like, if you can't resist, then you're weak. Fine. Call it whatever you want to call it. I just, I don't care anymore. I don't care if you call it weakness,

• 30:37Speaker 00

  or cowardice, or my inability to control myself. You can call it whatever the hell you want to call it. My goal is to stay sober. So, I'm not gonna put myself in the environment where I'm tempted to drink. I'm not gonna go to the bar and have drinks with friends. I'm not gonna pull into the liquor store and sit in the parking lot for 20 minutes. If I'm tempted to do that, I'm gonna make a call. I'm tempted to do this. I don't want to do this. Kip, help me out.

• 31:05Speaker 01

  Yeah. So, really quick, Ryan. So if you were in town and I was like, hey, let's go to Bout Time, watch the fights, and it's at a bar. You're, you're like, hey, no, that's not a good environment for me. Like, I actually wouldn't even go to a bar necessarily.

• 31:21Speaker 00

  No, I, I might go, but I have good enough friends, you included.

• 31:26Speaker 01

  Got it. But you want to go drinking with some buddies and say, oh, I just won't drink while you guys drink? Like, that's a different story.

• 31:34Speaker 00

  No. No, but if you guys all wanted to have a drink hypothetically, you all know my story. Like, I haven't hit anything. So, I would probably say, hey, Kip, yeah, I'd love to go hit the, we'll have a good night. Um, I just want to, I want to remind you, like, I'm not gonna drink. I would not drink in front of you. If I wanted to get drunk, I wouldn't because of the accountability built into it. I just wouldn't, man. I haven't. So, um, yeah, I would probably go, but that's because I have a relationship with you and other close friends who know exactly what my story is.

• 32:10Speaker 01

  Got it. Got it. You know, I, I interrupted you. So, back to, back to Dean's question, right? Like, is this a forever white knuckling? Does it change anything? Or is it like, hey, buckle up. This is how it's gonna be?

• 32:26Speaker 00

  Yeah. It is. Temptation. Like, that's, that's the, that's the cross you were meant to bear. So, you're always gonna be tempted by alcohol. It's never gonna go away. But let me give you a little bit of hope in that. You will build systems, whereas it just doesn't, it doesn't affect you the same way. Like, you can build systems. You can build buffers, like, hey, I'm not gonna go to the bar. You can build the right friendships. Um,

• 32:59Speaker 00

  you know, like, for me, even, even just in the past couple of weeks, like, oh, my life is not like fairy tales and sunshine and roses and petunias, like,

• 33:11Speaker 00

  no, nobody's is. And there's been times, even in the past week, where I'm like, bro, a drink would solve this problem. And it would for a minute.

• 33:21Speaker 00

  And, and then I'm like, cool, that means I have to go to the gym. And so I go to the gym and I work out for 45 minutes. I'm down seven pounds, seven, eight pounds in the past three weeks. And then I sweat my, my balls off in the sauna. And I do, I'm up to 20 minutes in the sauna. Um, and that, that works for me. So, am I white knuckling? No. A coping mechanism. It's a healthy, the, the word coping mechanism, the phrase, it always has a negative connotation with it. Oh, you're just, it's just a coping mechanism. There's healthy coping mechanisms. Right? Like, calling a friend is a coping mechanism. Hey, I'm dealing with this. I want to call a friend.

• 34:05Speaker 00

  That's a good coping mechanism. Going to the gym is a good coping mechanism. Drinking a pint of Fireball is not a good coping mechanism. So you just might need to find better coping mechanisms that will help you achieve what it is you're, you're after. And for me, it's the gym, calling friends. Um, I can get, I can get consumed in work. We've got a new project coming out here in the next week or two. Those are, those are definitely coping mechanisms. When I'm tempted, I'm like, no, do this instead. And it aligns me towards productive outcomes rather than destructive ones.

• 34:44Speaker 01

  I like it. All right. This next question, Ryan, I'm sure you can't relate to this, so I might have to answer this one. Uh, Colby Whitmore, I coach my son's little league team and I've noticed I ride him harder than any other kid on the field. I tell myself it's because I see potential in him, but my wife says I'm just working out my own failures on an eight-year-old. Is she right? How could I, how would I even know?

• 35:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're both right. Yeah, you're probably being a little too harsh from her perspective, and she's probably being a little too soft from yours.

• 35:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:21Speaker 00

  That's the beauty of having a lovely woman in your life, is she's gonna be like, hey, pal.

• 35:27Speaker 01

  Tone it down.

• 35:28Speaker 00

  Like, ease up. Yeah. And then you're gonna say, you know what, babe? Yeah, you're right. I could, I could, I could afford grace. I could be more patient. And then when she's being weak and soft and flowery and buttery, you're like, hey, babe, like, quit coddling the kid. Like, he's gotta get up and wipe his boo-boo off and get back to work. And both of you are right.

• 35:50Speaker 01

  Yeah. Were you ever hard on your kids?

• 35:53Speaker 00

  I would, I, if, yeah, of course.

• 35:56Speaker 01

  Why, though?

• 35:57Speaker 00

  Dude, I've made my kids cry. Like, literally made them cry. And people are like, you're a jerk. Every dad has done that. Like, I remember I went shoot, this is, this is horrible. I actually get emotional thinking about this. I went shooting with my oldest son when he was probably like seven or eight years old. And he wasn't standing properly. He wasn't holding the rifle correctly. He was making bad shots. And I busted his ass verbally, man. Like, I came down on him. And he cried, and I was a fucking a-hole.

• 36:35Speaker 00

  For what? What was the point of that?

• 36:40Speaker 00

  Did that make him enjoy shooting more? Did that make him enjoy time with me more? No, it didn't. And maybe some of this grace comes with just a little bit of gray hair and some age. I don't, I don't care if you aren't holding the rifle right. Him and I went bowling. He's like, Dad, can you, can we go bowling? And we went and bowled four games. And we were just having fun. Like, I don't care. I don't care if you bowl 100 or 150 or 300. I don't, I do not care at all. What I care about is did this bring us closer together? And that is the point of sports is to inspire, to motivate,

• 37:26Speaker 00

  not to deflate or devalue or make you hate whatever game you're playing. Like, it's for fun. Your kid's not gonna go to the NFL. Okay, sorry. He's not. Okay, my oldest son is not gonna go play in the PLL. He might take issue with that, but he's not. I don't have a child who's gonna go play professional sports. It's okay. It's fine. So let's just go have fun. Let's learn. Let's grow. Let's be better. Let's improve. And let's just, the, the, the point of sports is to grow.

• 38:00Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 38:02Speaker 00

  The point of you being a coach is to help young men grow. Okay, so here's another one. This was, I wrote this in my book. Ooh, I don't want to talk about this. We had this kid. Uh, it was my, my oldest son's baseball team. And it was probably, they were probably 11 or 12, maybe 13. And we had this kid, his name's Lincoln. Frickin' stud, man. Just super athletic, just in every aspect of the word. And he was pitching and we were up by maybe four or five runs. And I put him into the game to close out the game.

• 38:43Speaker 00

  And he, he flopped, dude. Like, I don't know what happened. He flopped. I feel really bad. And instead of telling him it was okay, I rode his ass hard.

• 38:59Speaker 00

  And he came back to the dugout in the last inning after we had lost the game, which he lost the game. And he was crying.

• 39:12Speaker 00

  Not cool, man.

• 39:16Speaker 00

  Like, he's got a good dad in his life. They're engaged, but not cool.

• 39:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:22Speaker 00

  I could have been there. I could have been supportive.

• 39:26Speaker 00

  I don't even remember the game. I don't, I don't know the score. I don't remember the game. I don't remember. I don't even remember when it was. Which means that it wasn't important. But what I do remember is I rode that kid's ass hard. And he didn't deserve that from a guy he should have been looking up to. And your son doesn't deserve that from you.

• 39:48Speaker 00

  What he deserves is somebody who believes in him, who supports him, who uplifts him, who holds him to a high expectation. I'm not saying you need to be soft. But there's a better way to do it. And

• 40:04Speaker 00

  yeah, I've dropped the ball so many times and I'm just telling you right now, it's, I remember all of them. It sucks. It's not cool, man.

• 40:10Speaker 01

  Well, and you don't get to choose when those kids take that moment or the next moment and, and really like cement it into their identity, right? And, and we gotta be super careful because we don't, we don't get to choose that for them. And they might choose that, right? And, and it could be really damaging. I, I was, I was pretty harsh on my boys, but I, um, I actually think I did a fairly good job. Because when you're a coach and you have your son on the team, there is a little bit of a different dynamic, right? And, and luckily I was, I'm sure I got some counsel from my wife to handle it well, because I remember sitting down with him and having a talk like, hey,

• 40:55Speaker 01

  I want to be really clear about something, right? Everyone's, there, there might be assumptions that you're playing because you're my son.

• 41:04Speaker 01

  And I don't, I want to crush any of those assumptions, which means that I need you to be out hustling than any other kid on the team. Right? And that allows me to play you more, right? But if you're not out hustling the rest of the team and, and then you're getting lots of playing time, now it's favoritism and that's not fair to the other kids. And, and you're helping me coach this team. We're doing this together. Whether you like it or not, you're doing it together because you're my model citizen on the team. And, you know, how you act to my coaching sets the tone for how the other kids will act, right? So I'm gonna, you know, so I had to tell him upfront, I, I'm gonna have a higher standard for you than the rest of the kids.

• 41:46Speaker 01

  But it's, but it's rooted in me trying to get you as much playing time as possible and you becoming a great player. You know what I mean? And, and, and that was a really, uh, good thing that I did, right? Clarifying that upfront. So then that way, when I was, you know, a little hot during, uh, games or during practice, he, he, he knew what it was about, right? And that it was an attack on him personally, so.

• 42:13Speaker 00

  I can't believe that you said communication solves a lot of problems. That's crazy. I'd never would have imagined. But I, look, I, I love the idea of communication and just letting him know where you're at. And then I would, I would say one other thing, and we gotta wrap this up today. I'm, I'm on a time crunch today. But take, assuming your wife is a good woman, and I'm sure she is, take what she's sharing with you and take it at its core and strip away 80% of the way she's communicating it. But take it at the core, which her core is gonna be softness, gentleness, ace, guidance.

• 42:55Speaker 00

  Take that. Like, that's good. Those are good things. Just strip 80% of what she says. And by the way, I would say the same thing to women.

• 43:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:02Speaker 00

  Like, if you've got a good man in your life and he's harsh on his kids and he's maybe a little bit of a disciplinarian or authoritarian,

• 43:11Speaker 00

  take, take 80% and like just strip that away and throw it away. And know he's just trying to provide discipline and structure and accountability and growth. It's like, take the, either side, either way, take the 20 and throw away the 80. I think that will help. I think that will, I think that will save a lot of relationship issues in the way that we raise our children.

• 43:35Speaker 01

  Or get connected to the outcome that you're both seeking, which is the same, right? You're just going about it differently.

• 43:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 43:41Speaker 01

  Totally. All right, quick call to-

• 43:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, because look, the best example, I was just gonna say, the best example, Kip, is when you're teaching your kid to ride a bike. All right, so let's say you've got little, little Bella and, you know, she's, she's seven years old and, and you just took the training wheels off and you're pushing her down the driveway and you finally let go. It's scary, but you finally let go and she goes about 20 yards and then she crashes. She scrapes her knees, scrapes her elbows.

• 44:10Speaker 00

  What do men do? They run over. They're like, hey babe, like, cool, like, let me brush your, your, your bruise off and I'm gonna put you, I'm, I'm physically, I'm literally gonna put her back on the bike and say, let's go, immediately. And mom's gonna come over and she's gonna be like, oh Bella, like, oh, let me take you inside and put a bluey Band-Aid on and kiss your boo-boos. Who's right and who's wrong? Well, you're both right. Mom's job is to get the bluey Band-Aid and kiss her boo-boos and wash it off and wipe her tears away with her thumb and like swaddle her. That is mom's job.

• 44:51Speaker 00

  And dad's job is to say, hey babe, like, she's good. She's got the Band-Aid on, tears are wiped up. Scoop her up, go put her back on the bike. Both of you are right. She, wife, needs to honor you putting Bella back on the bike. And you, her husband, need to honor her wiping her boo-boos and putting a bluey Band-Aid on. You need to honor each other. Both are beautiful. That's why I believe that every son and daughter who come into this world have a right to a goodly mom and dad, because we work together. It's supposed to be that way.

• 45:30Speaker 01

  Love it. Great, great way to wrap. Call to action really quick before we drop, right? So we have the War Room coming up, August 19th, 8:00 PM Eastern Time. Ryan's gonna be covering frameworks around how do we generate frameworks in our life to get kind of back on the path? And, and the chaos of a fall, kids back to school and all that kind of stuff. So join us, August 19th, 8:00 PM. To register, go to orderofman.com/warroom. Orderofman.com/warroom.

• 46:03Speaker 00

  Yes, sir.

• 46:05Speaker 00

  Excited to have everybody there. So we're gonna do some cool stuff. We've got some cool new plans coming up that I'm excited, you don't even know about yet, Kip, that I'm excited to share with you this afternoon. But guys, great questions. I know I gotta jet a little early, but we've got another handful of questions that we'll get to next week. We're not gonna skip any of those. Um, but yeah, appreciate everybody tuning in. Appreciate all you guys. Keep leading from the front. Keep being the man. Take your wife's opinions and ideas into consideration, but keep leading as a man. And we'll be back for our Friday fill notes. Until then, guys, go out there, take action and become the man you are meant to be.

• 46:40Speaker 02

  Thank you for listening to the Order of Man Podcast. You ready to take charge of your life and be more of the man you are meant to be? We invite you to join the order at orderofman.com.