Julia Fox EXCLUSIVE: ‘I Still Hear a Voice That Says I’m Nothing’ (The Real Story Behind Surviving Addiction, Life as a Sex Worker, and How Motherhood Saved Her)

Do you ever struggle with your self-worth? What helps you get through your darkest days? Today, in the first-ever live episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty— not in a studio, but live on stage in front of thousands. To kick things off, Jay sits down with actress, author, and cultural disruptor Julia Fox for a raw, unfiltered conversation about pain, transformation, and purpose. What begins as an unlikely pairing unfolds into something profoundly human. Julia takes us deep into her story, one marked by emotional neglect, addiction, survival, and self-erasure, but with that also comes incredible grit, self-awareness, and resilience. Julia speaks about living with the trauma of not feeling worthy, and the long, complex journey of unlearning that narrative. Together, they explore what it means to numb emotions through substance or toxic relationships, the role of compartmentalization as a survival mechanism, and the beauty of reclaiming identity through motherhood, celibacy, and sobriety. Julia shares how prayer, manifestation, and divine timing helped shift her path and how writing her memoir became the therapy she needed. Through tears, laughter, and confessions, this episode reminds us that healing doesn’t always look linear. Sometimes it looks like chaos, courage, and the difficult choice to keep going. In this interview, you'll learn: How to Break the Cycle of Feeling Unworthy How to Set Boundaries That Protect Your Peace How to Reclaim Control After Addiction How to Be Okay With Being Seen How to Heal Without Needing Closure How to Build a Life Without Numbing Yourself How to Accept What You Can’t Change Your truth is not too much. Your past does not define your future. And you are worthy, always. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here. What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:01 Owning Your Main Character Energy 03:15 Finding Beauty in Everyday Moments 04:29 The Art of People Watching 05:04 How Childhood Trauma Shapes Self-Worth 08:15 Growing Up in Emotional Isolation 09:42 Coping by Shutting Down 14:21 Entering a World of Survival & Power 18:21 The Power of Setting Boundaries 19:36 How Prayer Became a Path to Change 23:13 Escaping Her Darkest Moments 25:30 A Friendship That Changed Everything 26:34 How Motherhood Became Her Lifeline 28:31 The Freedom of Living Your Truth 31:12 Why Parental Support Matters 33:30 Navigating a Difficult Parental Relationship 34:50 Accepting What You Can’t Control 35:59 The Lasting Impact of Emotionally Unavailable Parents 36:53 Surviving Near-Death Experiences 38:38 Finding the Will to Live 39:31 What the Adult Industry Taught Her About Power 40:56 The Pressure to Prove Yourself 42:00 Letting Go of People’s Opinions 44:22 The Fear of Being Truly Seen 45:37 Reflecting on Past, Present, and Future 57:10 Processing a Traumatic Miscarriage 58:37 Finding Purpose in Helping Others 01:01:26 Julia on Final Five Episode Resources: Julia Fox | TikTok Julia Fox | Instagram See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Your heart can tell you a lot about your health. Apple Watch Series 12 measures your heart rate every five seconds with the most accurate heart rate sensing in wearable. So your vitals app, now with heart rate variability, can tell you when something is off. And your readiness score can let you know when to rest and when to push. Hear the story in every heartbeat with Apple Watch Series 12. The features described are for wellness purposes only and not for medical use. iPhone 11 or later required. Based on Apple conducted study of heart rate accuracy, August 2026. Visit apple.com slash Apple Watch Series 12.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  To see me, who would go to jail, get arrested, get into fights, steal stuff, break stuff, trespass, overdose a hundred times, just a mess, and then to see me be successful. I'd probably hate me too.

• 0:45Speaker 02

  Julia Fox is known for many things. A fashion designer, actress, author.

• 0:50Speaker 03

  You know, from films such as Uncut Gems and No Sudden Noon, as well as the host of OMG Fashion on E. Julia Fox!

• 0:57Jay Shetty?

  What's a childhood experience that you feel left a defining mark on your life?

• 1:03Speaker 01

  My parents always fighting, like horrible, horrible fights. I would just like go into the bathroom and I would just turn on the hair dryer and I just lay on the floor for like six hours.

• 1:13Jay Shetty?

  At seventeen, you decided to become a sex worker.

• 1:16Speaker 01

  I could really disassociate and detach. I think that's why it was so easy for me to enter an industry like that. And I actually found the whole experience really empowering. For the first time in my life, I actually kind of gained some self-worth.

• 1:30Jay Shetty?

  Where did you get addicted to heroin in that journey?

• 1:32Speaker 01

  It's akin to like what being in your mother's womb would feel like. Heroin kind of became a replacement mommy.

• 1:40Jay Shetty?

  You say in the book that motherhood saved you.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  If there's one thing I'm determined to do is to not give him a childhood.

• 1:49Jay Shetty?

  What was that journey for you to actually get clean?

• 1:53Speaker 01

  I had to do all that messy stuff and be that girl to end up in this chair today.

• 2:01Speaker 05

  The number one health and wellness podcast.

• 2:04Speaker 06

  Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. He won, the only Jay Shetty.

• 2:10Jay Shetty?

  I'm so excited to finally share the live interviews from my very first podcast tour, presented by Chase Sapphire Reserve. The first episode features an unforgettable conversation with none other than Julia Fox, recorded live at the iconic theater at Madison Square Garden in New York City. Special thanks to MSG Entertainment and the theater at Madison Square Garden. I want to start by saying this. Me and Julia were talking about this on the way down from the green room. We're talking about how you wouldn't expect to see me and Julia on the same stage together. And we're from very different worlds, very different backgrounds, but over the last few days, I've been listening to her audiobook, Down the Drain, her book,

• 2:53Jay Shetty?

  her memoir. I listened to it. And I can honestly say that her story was so powerful, it was empowering, it was fascinating. And if I'm completely honest, the reason I built on purpose was to have conversations like this, where you might be surprised, find it unexpected, but to find the common tissue that we all look for as humans. And so I'm so grateful you said yes, and thank you so much.

• 3:17Speaker 01

  Thank you. That's actually something I want to say is like, a lot of times, we're more alike than we are different, you know, and you kind of have to make the effort sometimes to find, ask questions and be interested. And because a lot of times, we're all kind of going through the same stuff, you know, and I feel like we're so programmed to see the differences. And especially, you know, we're getting so much influence telling us that these people are bad and that, you know, and we're just constantly being divided. But really, we all have very similar feelings, you know?

• 3:56Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, we're going through so many of the same emotions, the same ups and downs, the same challenges. And I want to dive into some of those with you, but I wanted to start off with something funny that I thought you said that I love. You once said, "I've always been the main character in my head." And I wanted to ask, seeing as we're in New York, how do you channel main character energy?

• 4:18Speaker 01

  I mean, I think everyone living in New York feels that way.

• 4:24Speaker 01

  You know, it's like, why me?

• 4:28Speaker 01

  I think you kind of have to be that way, you know? And also, we are that way just naturally, you know? Just some people admit it and some people don't, you know? But totally, you know, especially here in New York, where like, you know, no two days are alike. And some days it feels like everything is going on. Like, I remember I would have this game that I would play with myself, where like, if I went, because I'd go to school, I'd take the subway. And if like, I was getting down to the subway and the door would stop right in front of me, then I knew it was going to be a good day, you know? And it really like, it did set kind of a precedent for the rest of the day, but...

• 5:11Jay Shetty?

  Well, Julia, before we dive into the deeper work here, I have to ask you this question. Seeing as you have been a lot of people's muse, who's your muse?

• 5:22Speaker 01

  My muse is...

• 5:27Speaker 01

  Me.

• 5:33Speaker 01

  No, but like, in all seriousness, it changes, you know? I'm just really inspired by the life experience, you know? Just the everyday things that we overlook. I think life is just one big gray area, you know? And I think for a long time, I really thought in black and white. But now I realize that there is no truth. Everybody's truth is equally valid, for the most part. But like, there's, you know, we're just all experiencing in our perceptions. You know, everyone's valid in some way. Or the reason that they think that way is valid in some way. I just try to really keep an open mind, and especially open eyes and open heart.

• 6:16Speaker 01

  And I just get inspiration from everywhere. I really love people.

• 6:22Speaker 01

  I'm definitely like a avid people watcher.

• 6:25Jay Shetty?

  People watching in New York sounds fun.

• 6:27Speaker 01

  It's amazing.

• 6:28Jay Shetty?

  Tell me, tell me about your latest venture.

• 6:30Speaker 01

  I mean, even just like going out to the grocery store or like going to a party, like sometimes I'll just like sit back and wa- I mean, it's kind of hard because I get a lot of people talking to me all the time. But I prefer to just kind of be like a fly on the wall. I can definitely be the life of the party too, but sometimes I just want to like watch all the little micro things happening all around. It's just like fascinating to me.

• 7:00Jay Shetty?

  You've lived an extremely fascinating life, as I was saying when I was listening to your audiobook. I want to dive into that. And I want to start, as I often do on on purpose, talking about childhood. Because I learned very early on when I was researching and studying just how those years are so formative when we look at the psychology of what we pursue, what we chase, what we fear, what we worry about. And it's something we all go through. We can, we all have a reference point to that time in our life. I wanted to ask you, what's a childhood experience that you feel left a defining mark on your life, especially when it comes to your relationship with your parents?

• 7:40Speaker 01

  You know, there were many experiences, but I think the overall thread throughout all of them was really feeling like unimportant. And I still carry that with me very much today of feeling like I'm not like worth it, you know? And, and that is so hard because I could get so much validation and so much affirmation and, you know, but I still have that little voice in the back of my head that's like, you're nothing, you're not important, you're not worth it. So I just want to say like, yes, you know, being in the public eye and it looks like fun and whatever, but it's like, no, we're, we're still just people. And, you know, I, I still definitely have days where I like, I don't want to get out of bed

• 8:22Speaker 01

  and I feel like just not, not worth it. Like life's not worth it and I'm not worth it. And if it weren't for my child, I probably wouldn't get out of bed, like most days, actually. So I still definitely carry a lot of that.

• 8:40Speaker 01

  Trauma, I guess, if you want to call it. I definitely carry that with me today. And people are like, go to therapy, like, do something about it. But it's like, I'm not worth it. You know, it's that like same cycle. It's a cycle, you know, but it's not all the time. But I definitely, you know, like even when something good happens to me, I'm like, yeah, but I don't deserve it, you know?

• 9:03Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's, that's what's fascinating about that thought cycle is that when something negative happens, it affirms your belief that you're not worth it. And then when something good happens, it's almost a feeling of, well, I didn't, I don't deserve it, I'm still not good enough for it.

• 9:17Speaker 01

  It's a fluke.

• 9:18Jay Shetty?

  It's a fluke, yeah, I got lucky.

• 9:20Speaker 01

  I, I always say that, I just got lucky, guys, you know? But then I know that if I really were to like, you know, look at all the hard work and sacrifice, that I, I do deserve it, you know? And, and my logical mind can identify that. But my emotional mind is still very much like, no.

• 9:42Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and those two minds, I mean, how many of you can relate to that? Right? Everyone can relate, right? It's, it's something that, that cycle of when something good happens to us as humans, we're so good at being like, yeah, I got lucky this time. Oh, when is it gonna go?

• 9:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, when is it gonna get taken away from me? When are they gonna realize I'm a fraud? When, you know, like, it's crazy.

• 10:04Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, when are people gonna find out I'm an imposter? When are people gonna find out that I don't belong at this table? Yeah, it's, it's such a thing. What was it in your childhood that, that you think did that? Like, what, what do you think of when you think of that? Where, where is that?

• 10:18Speaker 01

  You know, I think my parents were dealing with a lot with each other. And they couldn't really, you know, it's like boomer parents. They were just very caught up in their own stuff and always, always fighting, like horrible, horrible fights. And I remember I would just like go into the bathroom because it was the only room in the house that had a lock on the door. And I would just turn on the hairdryer and I'd just lay on the floor for like six hours until it was like quiet and then I could go back and like reintegrate into the household. But it was just a very kind of isolating, oppressive. Childhood. I mean, there were moments like that were great.

• 11:03Speaker 01

  I had a great relationship with my grandparents. I feel like I would not be here without them. My grandma encouraged me as an artist. Like, she saw that I had a talent. So, we would always be, you know, making art together, going to museums, going to galleries, going to plays, ballets, you know, all the things I didn't do with my parents. And then my, my grandpa on my mom's side, he just made me feel really loved and kind of, that was more of an emotional bond. Um, so if I didn't have that, I don't think I would be alive today.

• 11:37Jay Shetty?

  It's so fascinating as I'm listening to you, I can relate to that. So, I grew up in a home where me and my sister would wake up to my parents going.

• 11:44Speaker 01

  And it's crazy how much parents fighting affects kids. Sorry, not to, it's crazy.

• 11:51Jay Shetty?

  It was, I grew up in an emotionally, physically abusive household. And often when people meet me, they just think I had the most perfect childhood and it's why I do what I do today. And I often explain it's the opposite. I spent my whole childhood mediating my parents' marriage. And so, the work I do today comes from having years, meaning since I was like seven years old, of listening to challenges, carrying pain, listening to emotions, and thankfully it made me stronger. And through the work I've done, it didn't create a lack of, it allowed me to create self-dependence.

• 12:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:26Jay Shetty?

  And that took a lot of work, it didn't just happen. But it's so fascinating when I see how did that affect someone else I love, whether it was another family member. And to your point, one thing that stood out, which I recommend to anyone who's a parent in this room or wants to be a parent, it's what you just said about the relationship you had with a grandparent. My mom's love was like a shield. Like, my mom's love was like this shield where like she just gave me so much love that I would never have to question whether I was worthy of love or lovable because that's how powerful a mom's love is.

• 12:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:58Jay Shetty?

  And, and when I think about, as, as we're sitting here and finding these similarities and commonalities in our life, I wanted to ask you, your life in your teens took a very different turn. And as I heard at seventeen, you decided to become a sex worker or became one.

• 13:16Jay Shetty?

  And I want to understand just what that journey looks like because for you to go from feeling not enough, to feeling unloved, to feeling not worthy. Talk to me about how that connects to that decision? And how you walk that path?

• 13:33Speaker 01

  Well, I think from a really young age, I just really learned to compartmentalize. So I could take something I didn't like, put it in a little box and put it in a shelf, all the way in the back of my brain. And I could really disassociate and detach and just be on autopilot. And I think that's why it was so easy for me to enter an industry like that. Because I could just shut down like that. It was my superpower, actually. And I actually found the whole experience really empowering. Especially becoming a dominatrix, where I could really channel a lot of aggression and a lot of anger that I had toward men or toward me or toward any, you know, anything that was going on. I could really kind of find an outlet for it.

• 14:18Speaker 01

  And I actually, you know, for the first time in my life, I actually kind of gained some self-worth, weirdly. I always say, obviously, there's different pockets of the sex industry. I found one that worked for my specific issues and it was very therapeutic. And when people ask me, like, when did you get into acting? I always tell them, well, first of all, I've been acting my whole life. You know, acting like you're okay when you're not. You know, acting like the class clown to like make people laugh because you feel like such a piece of shit. And then in the dominatrix dungeon, where I play a nurse, a teacher, a mom, a nun. You know, six times a day, different characters.

• 15:00Speaker 01

  I just became really good at like improv and, and, you know, doing that. So, you know, back to what you were saying, how you had this kind of tough childhood, but you were able to then use all those skills that you inadvertently learned to now do this and help so many people. It's like you have to sometimes take those like bad things that happen to you in life. And um. You know, find your purpose in it in a weird way because it's the only way that it'll make you feel better for the things that happen, or it'll like make it not as bad, or something that you can actually be grateful for. You know, there are times today where I'm like, no, I'm grateful that I went through all those things because I have the wisdom and the experience and I can now pass it on and give other girls hope, you know?

• 15:45Speaker 01

  And I feel like that's the difference between the people that make it and the people that don't. You know, there are some people that just can never really find a way to make it like their purpose or their calling or and then it just kind of never finds an outlet from their soul and it just eats them up alive, or then they become the abuser and perpetuate that cycle.

• 16:11Jay Shetty?

  Absolutely. It's like, as I'm listening to you, I'm actually just, how do you even discover the industry? Like, how does someone?

• 16:21Speaker 01

  Craigslist, baby. Craigslist.

• 16:25Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, seriously?

• 16:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:27Jay Shetty?

  Really?

• 16:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:28Jay Shetty?

  Oh, you're not joking at all?

• 16:29Speaker 01

  No. No.

• 16:31Jay Shetty?

  But like, how did you even?

• 16:33Speaker 01

  So I knew about it because in the seventh grade, I had this, one of my many codependent besties and I would live at her house and it was three sisters and an alcoholic mom and the older sister was a dominatrix and the only full-length mirror was in my bestie's room. So she would get dressed, she'd buy all this stuff from like the sexers and come in and put them on and it was the black platforms and the thigh highs and the fishnets and then that's when I was informed, oh, she's a dominatrix. And, you know, at that point, like, I figured it out or something. So I always kind of knew that it was an option, that I could always like just do what she did.

• 17:14Speaker 01

  And she looked so hot and cool and it just seemed like, just seemed fun and exciting. And listen, at the time, I'd already, you know, worked in the service industry. I had so many jobs, waitress, pastry shop, ice cream shop, shoe store, you know. And listen, you're never gonna be able to support yourself on seven dollars and fifteen cents an hour. It's ridiculous. Like, raise the minimum wage, goddamn it.

• 17:40Speaker 01

  And, and I had to move out. Something happened at home and I literally had to move out with the clothes on my back. And, you know, I could only really like stay at friends' houses for so long. I had to contribute in some way. So, that's what I did.

• 17:59Jay Shetty?

  So it was a fully survival thing at the time?

• 18:01Speaker 01

  Yes, definitely survival. I don't think I would have just chosen to do it. But I am glad that I did. Yeah, I feel like I really kind of learned. It was like a crash course in the male psyche.

• 18:14Jay Shetty?

  Tell us, I think there's a, there's a lot of people who are intrigued. Tell us, tell us about the male psyche.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  I mean, it's just like all the different fetishes and stuff, like, I, there are just so many. And they're so weird, like belly buttons, blue jeans, hair, like on your head, not even down there. Like, they just, men get so infatuated with the like weird, random things that women possess on them. And I also found, actually, interestingly enough, that the more powerful a man was in his career, in his life, the more submissive he would be with me. Like, it was almost like this, these scales were tipped. And, and in order for him to find that balance,

• 19:06Speaker 01

  he'd have to come to me to degrade him and tell him what a piece of shit he was and tell him that his employees hate him and his wife hates him. And, you know, and just beat the shit out of him. And, and it...

• 19:19Speaker 01

  And it really got me thinking, like, humans really need balance. And I learned that, really.

• 19:24Jay Shetty?

  No, that's what you took away.

• 19:28Speaker 01

  But I saw that, I was able to see that firsthand, you know? And I thought that was really interesting, you know? How he can go out there and be this tough guy, and then here he's like crawling on all fours and drinking, drinking my pee out of a dog bowl.

• 19:46Speaker 01

  And it was just really interesting, you know?

• 19:50Jay Shetty?

  I love that balance is what you took away from that. It's just amazing. It's amazing.

• 20:02Jay Shetty?

  We, uh, I was gonna say that, um, I learned about balance, but at the monastery. It was completely opposite. We came to the same conclusion, though.

• 20:15Jay Shetty?

  And, uh, and as I'm listening to you, I know that, I was gonna ask you, actually, how do you even, like, what do you think of the misconceptions about sex workers? Or what did you learn by actually being in the industry that you think is relevant for people who are not connected, may not understand, may not know, whatever it may be? What would you say those are?

• 20:36Speaker 01

  I mean, I would just say to anyone thinking about it, obviously now, today with OnlyFans, and there's so many ways to be in the sex industry without ever touching a man, which is like, amazing. But back in my day, that was not the case. Um, I would just say, like, set a firm boundary in your head going into it, and don't cross it. And the moment you cross it, just stop. Because then it'll just keep happening. And I made that mistake. And it kind of does, like, wear on you a little bit, you know? And then it's like, well, nobody will ever know. But you will know, you know? And that you will never escape.

• 21:19Speaker 01

  You know, it's almost easier to have someone else know and not you. But... Your clients, they will take and take and take and take. So you just have to be really firm in what line you're not going to cross.

• 21:32Jay Shetty?

  Before we dive into the next moment, let's hear from our sponsors. This episode is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the chance to step outside of our routine. Travel is a way of slowing us down and shifting our perspective. And with the Chase Sapphire Reserve card, every journey becomes even more rewarding. Earn four times the points on flights and hotels booked direct. Enjoy access to award-winning airport lounges. Three times the points on dining and reserve exclusive tables. Learn more at chase.com/sapphirereserve. Cards issued by JP Morgan Chase Bank. N A member FDIC. Subject to credit approval, terms apply.

• 22:17Jay Shetty?

  Thanks for taking a moment for that. Now, back to the discussion. It's quite remarkable. You learned so many lessons. You've learned balance, boundaries, uh, you know, acting like you were just saying, like role play. Like, why and when did that end? Like, why did that period of your life come to a close? And then where did you pivot to and?

• 22:37Speaker 01

  I'll tell you, another thing that I learned then was manifestation through prayer. So I would pray every single night. I'm not kidding. I would pray for a sugar daddy, like.

• 22:54Speaker 01

  Like long prayers, long, long prayers, prayers, a lot of bargaining, a lot of bargaining and begging God to please send me a sugar daddy. And he did.

• 23:07Speaker 01

  He did. He did. The best one ever also. I got really, really lucky. We're still friends. I love him to death.

• 23:19Speaker 01

  And that's, that's kind of how I got out of that.

• 23:22Jay Shetty?

  Was that always your get out, like get out card? Like, was that your thought in your head when you were praying?

• 23:27Speaker 01

  When you're in that kind of lifestyle, you're not really thinking long term. You know, I feel like having the ability to plan and do all these things like that's something for like well-adjusted people. When you're living like I was, it was very much like survive the day, get through the day and maybe something good will happen, you know?

• 23:47Speaker 01

  So I was really just kind of looking for like a means to an end. And it was really only kind of after my situation with my sugar daddy broke up that I actually started to like live for me, you know, and try to make it on my own. And like all my blessings and everything I've been able to achieve only happened once I got out of that, funny enough, so.

• 24:10Jay Shetty?

  And was your faith in God something you always had?

• 24:12Speaker 01

  Always.

• 24:14Jay Shetty?

  Where did that come from?

• 24:15Speaker 01

  You know, I'm not really sure. I know, you know, I'm Italian. I lived in Italy for some of my childhood with my grandpa. And he was very faith-based and we prayed every night. And I always kind of knew that that God was there or something was there, a presence was there. And it's like you can only have two, like so many coincidences before you're like, okay, there's something cosmic here, you know? And also, I feel like when you're kind of in desperation and not feeling so great, I find that those are usually the times or the people that really turned to God. And I was very much like unwell for a long time. So I needed to believe that God was real.

• 24:59Jay Shetty?

  It's incredible to hear you talk about it from both sides. Like I know a second ago, we're all like belly laughing. And then at the same time, there's like this real survival, desperation, stress, trying to get through every day, as you just said, like just trying to make it through till the end of the day. And the reality of just not... How would you feel at the end of a day? Like, what would be going through your mind? Would it just be?

• 25:22Speaker 01

  I didn't feel, no. Like I did so many drugs, like every single drug under the sun. I was smoking pot all the time, like before, like literally wake up first thing, like digging a roach out of an ashtray. You know, like just that level of numbness at all times, so. Like feeling is still kind of fairly like a newer thing for me. And I still have a lot of trouble articulating how I'm feeling. Like I just kind of shut down.

• 25:52Jay Shetty?

  Because that was the only way to get through it, was to just be numb?

• 25:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:56Jay Shetty?

  And to just not feel, because if you were to, it would have...

• 25:59Speaker 01

  It would just open a floodgate and who knows what could happen, you know? Because usually when I would be emotional, it'd be kind of like a meltdown and then I'd end up in like a hospital or something. So it was just better to not even go there at all.

• 26:18Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's so fascinating to hear that. I think so many of us feel that in different ways where we find a numbing agent, whatever that may be for us. For some of us, it's TV, sugar, alcohol, drugs, whatever it may be. There's some sort of way of just kind of not self-regulating, but externally regulating our emotions and feelings because we just don't want to feel that. For you, as you were doing that, where did you get addicted to heroin in that journey? Because that became quite a big part of it.

• 26:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was when I found heroin, it was like, I would say that it's akin to like, what being in your mother's womb would feel like, like the warmth and that everything is going to be okay. And, you know, I think I probably liked it so much because of the disconnect I had with my own mother. So heroin kind of became a replacement mommy or something, you know? And yeah, I discovered heroin in high school and I took it all the way into my mid twenties, you know, on and off, on and off. Sometimes I'd be off for years and then I'd always go back. So, you know, it only really took my best friend, the love of my life overdosing in 2019

• 27:35Speaker 01

  for me to, which is fairly recently, for me to really be done. Because that really shook me to my core and I felt like her dying had to, had to at least do one good thing, you know? And if that could just be me not getting high anymore, I know that she would approve of that. I know that she, it would make, I don't know, it's not that it would make it less horrible, but I just had to find some kind of silver lining or something to attach myself to. So now I, you know, don't do that anymore in honor of her.

• 28:15Jay Shetty?

  So sorry to hear that. How long did you both know each other? And how were you?

• 28:19Speaker 01

  We actually met in AA. And it was a funny story. We were sitting next to each other and my horrible ex-boyfriend was also there. And we hadn't seen each other in a long time. And he was there with this girl who had cyber bullied me on Instagram. And I just stood up and I said, "A, this room is unsafe for me. There are abusers in here." And I just made such a scene, which is fairly uncommon and it doesn't really happen. So, but I did it. And she loved it. Like, she was like, "Yeah, yeah, tell him, tell him." And then I just sat back down and it was, that was it. We were together every single day after that.

• 29:03Speaker 01

  It was like we really found each other. But you know, with every kind of relationship like that, it was only a matter of time before we both left to go get high together, you know? So it's pretty cliche, but it's still a beautiful love story nonetheless.

• 29:20Jay Shetty?

  What was that journey for you to actually get clean from her? And like, what was that journey like for you? I can't imagine it's easy. And like you said, you used the loss of her as fuel, as inspiration, as a guiding light during a really, really tough time. But what did it actually take from you to now be able to sit here and say, "Well, that's not something I do anymore"?

• 29:43Speaker 01

  Well, she died and then I got pregnant six months later and had my son. And if there's one thing I'm determined to do is to not give him a shitty childhood. And in order for me to do that, I have to be sober. So, yeah. So it all happened pretty quick. And honestly, I don't think I would have even had my son if she hadn't passed away. But at that moment, it was like anything to fill that void and that heartbreak, you know? It was, I just wanted to feel better. And actually, funny story, when I was about, I can't remember now. I put the, I put it in my book, but like a couple of weeks into my pregnancy, I had a dream, she came to me in a dream.

• 30:27Speaker 01

  And I told her, "I'm pregnant, I'm pregnant. I'm having, I want you to come back as my baby. I want you to be reincarnated as my baby." And she said, because she was always really funny, she was like, "I don't want to come back as a boy." And that's how I found out I was having a boy. I went to the doctor and I told him, I think I'm having a boy. My dad's best friend came to me in a dream and he was like, you're psychotic. But then we did the test and I was having a boy. So, so she was right. So I still feel like, like she's with me and, and everything I do.

• 31:02Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, you say in the book that motherhood saved you.

• 31:05Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm, because I just don't have time to do anything else. Like, it really is like three full-time jobs, so. But it did, it did, it did save me, yeah.

• 31:18Jay Shetty?

  When you finally found the sugar daddy and you got out of, you know, sex work from your prayers, where did that pivot happen? From that getting you out of there and then moving into acting? Like, how, how did that happen?

• 31:33Speaker 01

  You know, people knew who I was, like, I was like a hood celebrity, you know? And, and these directors heard about me and wanted to meet me. And they were writing a part for this young girl who was kind of a sugar daddy situation. And that movie would go on to become Uncut Gems. So I, you know, I auditioned like everyone else. Unfortunately, even though they had written it for me, the studios were like, we don't know her. Like, what, like, they wanted like Scarlett Johansson and, you know, all these other women, beautiful women and established actresses. And, and at the time, I didn't even know if I could like actually act, act, you know? But I had a hunch.

• 32:16Speaker 01

  And so, you know, I did a screen test with Adam Sandler and it went really well. And they were able to convince the studios to let me do it.

• 32:26Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, absolutely.

• 32:29Speaker 01

  But that's why I always tell people, like, like, live your truth. Like, even if you're messy or wild or cringe, like, like, don't hide that because you never know who's watching, you know? Like, I was so embarrassing, like, like, truly so embarrassing. But it caught these people's eyes, you know?

• 32:50Jay Shetty?

  What was embarrassing? What were you doing those days?

• 32:51Speaker 01

  Well, you know, everyone knew that I was living off my sugar daddies money. And there you go. It was like, everybody knew it. It was, you know, but it was frowned upon, you know? Like, people would talk shit about me, or didn't want to be my friend, or it was just like, I was always kind of looked at as this spectacle, you know? And I was known to like, cause a scene, or just be loud, and sometimes violent, and...

• 33:17Jay Shetty?

  Violent?

• 33:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, definitely.

• 33:20Jay Shetty?

  Tell us about the violin.

• 33:24Speaker 01

  Well, I grew up in a violent home, so that's kind of how I learned to like, problem solve. Like, if I want an issue problem to go away, you, you know?

• 33:35Speaker 01

  So, you know, I've definitely been known to throw hands. But, you know, now I'm like, ugh, it's so embarrassing, you know? But, like, I had to do all that messy stuff and be that girl to end up in this chair today, speaking with all of you. So, just always be yourselves.

• 33:58Jay Shetty?

  It's so fascinating. For me, seeing that in my home made me never want to be angry, never want to be violent, never want to raise my voice, and never kind of create that atmosphere again. And it's so interesting just how as humans, we make those choices at different stages in our life, and where they go from there. I, one thing that really stood out to me in your, in your book, Down the Drain, that is when you mentioned, when you were young, you said to your mom you wanted to be a rock star, and she laughed. And then when you booked Uncut Gems, she laughed.

• 34:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:35Jay Shetty?

  Again.

• 34:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:36Jay Shetty?

  Talk to me about those two moments, and why you remember them so vividly, and what they meant.

• 34:41Speaker 01

  Because it's like, you'd expect your parent to be so like, happy and so supportive, but she could just never do it. She could never do it. And, you know, I think, like, now that I'm also a mom, I can see her as a human, and I see a woman who came from nothing and did everything she was supposed to do. She went to college, went to university, she worked as a nurse, she did all the things to become a doctor. And was just always a good girl. And then to see me, who literally did the opposite, would go to jail, get arrested, get into fights, steal stuff, break stuff, trespass,

• 35:24Speaker 01

  you know, just overdose a hundred times, you know, just a mess. And then to see me be successful, I'm sure is a mind.

• 35:35Speaker 01

  Yeah. Like, I'd probably hate me too.

• 35:41Speaker 01

  Like, I'm sure there's like a human, you know, jealousy is very real, even between mothers and daughters. I see it all the time. Like, I couldn't fathom it because I see my loved ones as an extension of myself. But with my mom and I, it was always very clear that we were on two opposite ends for some reason, and we could never bridge that gap. I don't know if we ever will, to be honest. But I know that I have to protect my peace and not keep trying just to be disappointed all the time, you know? I just can't do it anymore.

• 36:16Jay Shetty?

  As I'm looking at you, it feels like you've tried a lot.

• 36:18Speaker 01

  Not that much, but not that much. But there have been a few times, yeah.

• 36:25Jay Shetty?

  What have you tried? And when did you try?

• 36:27Speaker 01

  Just trying to mimic what a mother-daughter relationship is supposed to look like and playing that part, playing that role, acting that part, only to be met with not her playing that part back, you know? And I realize that, you know, we can't just like turn it on and be mother and daughter, and there needs to be some unpacking. But every time I try to talk about things, it's complete denial. It's almost like she lived a completely, like she lived in a different house. Well, she really did live in a different house. She lived in Italy my whole life, so I only saw her twice a year. So that also played a big part.

• 37:09Speaker 01

  But there were obviously prolonged periods as well that we would be together. But even then, it just always felt like she was just very uninterested. Yeah, and I could see that it wasn't like that with my brothers, that she had way more of a connection and she put the effort and had more of a genuine interest for them. So, and I picked that up very, very young.

• 37:37Jay Shetty?

  How have you reconciled that now? I'm sure there's lots of people in the room who have challenges with parents, potentially even challenges with kids. Like, how have you reconciled that? What have you, how have you come to as close to peace or a boundary that you've been able to set with them?

• 37:52Speaker 01

  You know, I, I wouldn't say it's forgiveness, because how do you forgive a betrayal like that? But there is an acceptance, which I think is the closest thing to forgiveness. And it's so hard to accept, because it's really hard to accept things that we can't change, you know? We, we, the control freak in us wants to like, change it and fix it and make it okay. But you need the other person to also put in the effort too. So, you know, I think really, for me, I'm at a, a place of acceptance, that this is just the way it's gonna be. And if, if I keep trying to fight it or change it, I'm really only hurting myself.

• 38:31Speaker 01

  And, you know, I have a child I have to show up for, I have to be happy and positive. So, like, why am I gonna let her have that too? You know, like, I'm not gonna, I'm just not gonna do that.

• 38:46Jay Shetty?

  It takes a lot to draw those boundaries with the people that we love and sadly-

• 38:51Speaker 01

  Especially your parents.

• 38:53Jay Shetty?

  Especially your parents.

• 38:53Speaker 01

  Like, now that I'm a parent and I have parents, it's like, you can have more than one kid. You could have 10 kids, but you can only have one mom and one dad, like, in that way. Like, you know, obviously there's people, there's blended families, but it's a really, really, really important relationship. And, and I take it to the highest level of importance. To me, it's sacred. Nothing comes before my child. So, I mean, I just don't understand how, for her, it's not the same.

• 39:28Jay Shetty?

  Did she ever go to therapy?

• 39:30Speaker 01

  She's a psychologist.

• 39:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's why I don't trust them and I don't want to go.

• 39:36Jay Shetty?

  Wow. That's fascinating.

• 39:39Speaker 01

  I know.

• 39:40Jay Shetty?

  When you were addicted to drugs or even when you were a sex worker, did you ever have any near-death experiences?

• 39:47Speaker 01

  Yes, many. And actually, my best friend Brianna once called my mom in Italy and was like, "Your daughter's dying, come here and get her." She hung up the phone.

• 39:57Jay Shetty?

  What happened to you?

• 39:59Speaker 01

  I lived.

• 40:00Jay Shetty?

  No, no, no. I mean, that day that she had to make that call to your mom.

• 40:05Speaker 01

  I honestly don't even remember. I think I probably just OD'd on heroin or something.

• 40:10Jay Shetty?

  Was that a regular occurrence?

• 40:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:12Jay Shetty?

  But that was the only time that they called you, she called your mom?

• 40:15Speaker 01

  Yeah. I think it was like the first time it ever happened, yeah. And my friend just got so scared. I was living at her house at the time and she just like found me like that and freaked out and just didn't know what to do. But her mom stepped in as my kind of surrogate mother and helped me a lot.

• 40:35Jay Shetty?

  Oh, her mom?

• 40:36Speaker 01

  Mm-hmm.

• 40:36Jay Shetty?

  Oh, wow.

• 40:37Speaker 01

  Yeah. The beauty of having that kind of void is that I really attracted so many amazing women with that kind of instinct or that ability to kind of sniff out like, "Oh, this child needs mothering." So I've had so many kind of, you know, pseudo-maternal figures in my life. And I feel like when I think of my mom, I think of all of them. You know, my advisor in high school who like saved my life. And a lot of them were my friends' parents and they really took me in. Moms are just amazing. Like, having a horrible experience of mine doesn't take away that I can identify that moms really are amazing, you know? I understand that my mom's like an exception.

• 41:25Jay Shetty?

  You have one of the most fascinating minds and lives of anyone I've ever interviewed. Honestly, I find it so incredible that despite the challenges and trials and tribulations that you were going through in your life, you were able to, at the same time, identify goodness and pray, look for ways out, see sacredness in your friends and other people.

• 41:50Speaker 01

  It's a survival instinct. It's like you don't even realize you're doing it. It's that will to live that we all innately have. Like, I didn't set out to do any of that stuff. I didn't realize I was doing it until after. But I really, I think, a part of me, as much as I wanted to die, I also really wanted to live. And I had to find love and goodness wherever I could. Because I think as people, that's really all we want. You know, we want to be seen and we want to be loved.

• 42:18Jay Shetty?

  Did you have any dangerous encounters as a sex worker? Or were you the one inflicting the...

• 42:24Speaker 01

  I was the one. They were in danger. Yeah. Yeah. No, and obviously, I understand that my experience is very unique. You know, obviously, I had some clients that were better than others. But for the most part, I always had very good instincts. If I felt like something was weird, I would just leave. You know, I'd leave the room and go get someone else. You know, also, S&M is a very, you know, it's really the only place in the world where, like, the women rule. Like, I'd never seen that before. I'd always kind of seen the opposite of that. So I think being able to be in that so young really kind of shaped

• 43:08Speaker 01

  how I see the world today. Because I see so many discrepancies and disparities and how unfair this world is for women. But in the S&M world, we were the people in charge, calling the shots. And, you know, and men were just there to...

• 43:28Speaker 01

  Drink pee out of a dog bowl, you know? It was amazing. It was heaven. It was paradise.

• 43:36Jay Shetty?

  It's, um... We'll just let that sit for a second.

• 43:43Jay Shetty?

  But first, here's a quick word from the brands that support the show. This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells, Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted.

• 44:28Jay Shetty?

  Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn.

• 44:36Jay Shetty?

  All right. Thank you to our sponsors. Now let's dive back in. There's this recurring pattern that I could hear about when I was listening to your book, this idea of proving yourself. Proving yourself to your mom, proving yourself to men you were dating, proving yourself to the industry, proving yourself constantly.

• 44:55Speaker 01

  And I still am, all the time. But that's never-ending, you know? I think it's so hard for a woman to show up in a room and just be given the benefit of the doubt, you know? Whereas men walk in and they're just given the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise, you know? Whereas women, it's always the opposite. We kind of have to work a little bit harder. So, you know, especially if you're like an unconventional woman, or a weird woman, or a neurodivergent woman, or a loud woman. It's like, oh my God, the odds are so stacked against you. But, you know, that's not gonna stop me from being who I am.

• 45:41Jay Shetty?

  A big part of what we've been talking about here this evening before you came out was this idea of how we feel judged when we walk into a room or how we think others think of us and how we worry about that. I'm sure when you're walking into rooms to audition, act, meeting directors, producers, I'm sure that there's so many things you think people think of you. How have you found coping mechanisms to that anxiety, stress, nervousness that naturally exist? And people shared earlier so vulnerably and beautifully in front of 5,000 people. We had people standing up and really opening their heart. What goes through your mind and what techniques, abilities, practices have you developed

• 46:24Jay Shetty?

  in order to allow yourself to walk into a room and not feel that anxiety and stress?

• 46:29Speaker 01

  Well, first of all, I think everyone's feeling that way. You know, I think people are so just worried about themselves all the time anyway. Like, they're probably thinking the same thing about you. And another thing is also like, it's really not that deep. We have the attention span of a goldfish. People will forget, like, nothing is serious. Like, just don't take it so seriously, you know? And also, if you walk into a room and they don't like you, it's probably because they're whack.

• 46:59Speaker 01

  You know, I've come to find, honestly, like, people that don't like me are kind of people I wouldn't even really want to like me anyway. You know, like, they're just not cool. So, I think just lead with that mindset.

• 47:13Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I remember seeing this meme. I don't know who wrote it or where it came from, but it says, "Confidence isn't, 'Everyone will like me.' Confidence is, 'I'll be okay even if they don't.'"

• 47:25Speaker 01

  Don't like you, yeah.

• 47:26Jay Shetty?

  And it's that idea of just, we think confidence means everyone likes me, everyone notices me when I walk in the room and that I can control the crowd. And it's like, well, that's not confidence.

• 47:35Speaker 01

  And also, if you try to please everyone, you just end up pleasing no one. So, it's just better to just be genuine because at least, like, I always tell people, like, take the mask off, be yourself, so then you can attract people that are like-minded. And then, once you have your tribe and your people, you're invincible. You know, it doesn't matter what happens to you because you'll have your fam that understand you and agree with you and know that you're the bomb.

• 48:05Jay Shetty?

  You've said that you're not afraid of being alone, but you've been afraid of being truly seen, which I find to be really interesting because I think a lot of us are scared to be truly seen in all of who we are. And where are you on that journey?

• 48:23Speaker 01

  I mean, I feel like even being here tonight and going so deep and talking about things that are, you know, kind of things I usually just put in a compartment in the back of my brain and just pretend like they don't exist. Like, this is a big part of it. Also, I find that when you share a secret or share something that's been weighing you down, you share it with somebody. You're also sharing the weight with someone else. Now we can all carry this together and it's less of a burden for you. So I think just, like, don't hold it in. It'll eat you up. Like, just if you're feeling something, tell somebody. Otherwise, you're just gonna... It's gonna eat you up and you're gonna feel so isolated and so alone.

• 49:07Speaker 01

  And it's just no way, no way to live.

• 49:11Jay Shetty?

  Well said. I fully agree. It's one of the reasons I've been encouraging everyone tonight to share their heart, and so many brave souls have. I love that you were saying that recently, feeling's been a new phenomenon for you. How recent is that? And what have been some of the joyful, positive, healthy feelings that you've been experiencing?

• 49:35Speaker 01

  Probably when I quit smoking weed two years ago. So, very, very recent. But, you know, that's not to say that I didn't feel things before. I obviously did. But I would just feel something and then pick up the pipe. Now I just...

• 49:53Speaker 01

  Do that.

• 49:55Speaker 01

  I always say like I'm strapping my seatbelt on and I'm gonna and I'm gonna move through it, it's gonna move through me, I'm not gonna go over it, I'm not gonna go around it. I'm just gonna let it do its thing and it's gonna pass, it's gonna pass.

• 50:13Jay Shetty?

  It's, it's pretty remarkable to have gone from that extreme to this and like you just said, you're not on drugs anymore, not smoking weed. And I believe you're celibate now too.

• 50:22Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 50:23Jay Shetty?

  I, I was celibate as a monk for three years.

• 50:26Speaker 01

  I'm on three years too.

• 50:27Jay Shetty?

  You're on three years?

• 50:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:28Jay Shetty?

  Wow.

• 50:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:30Jay Shetty?

  Alright, so you're gonna, you're gonna beat my record.

• 50:32Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think so, unfortunately.

• 50:35Jay Shetty?

  What made you make that, sorry, what did you?

• 50:37Speaker 01

  I said unfortunately.

• 50:40Jay Shetty?

  What made you make, was it always a commitment long term, was it?

• 50:44Speaker 01

  No, no, I didn't even realize that I was doing it until I was doing it. You know, if I was like, oh my God, it's been six months, then it was like a year, oh my God, three, you know, it's just the time goes so fast. But I've honestly found that that was another toxic relationship that I had with sex and with men. I don't think right now that I'm able to have a healthy emotional or romantic relationship with anyone, to be honest, you know? I think I'm still really coming to terms with who I am and learning every day, like sometimes, you know, even though I was so precocious,

• 51:22Speaker 01

  in a lot of ways, I feel like I was a late bloomer, you know, because I just wasn't really living authentically and, and I was self-medicating and I was just in survival mode for so long. So now that I can like, you know, sit back, I'm okay, I have a roof over my head, I have my, my family and everything, but it still feels like fairly new. So I think right now I just need to like be okay being with me and, and that's okay.

• 51:57Jay Shetty?

  What have you learned from cutting out so many of these things you were dependent on or had unhealthy, toxic relationships within the past? Like, what does it felt like to almost stop, you know, drugs, weed, practicing celibacy? Like, what has that done for you? Like, what are you experiencing from the detox?

• 52:17Speaker 01

  I mean, like, I can go grocery shopping, and I can go to sleep when I'm supposed to, and wake up when I'm supposed to, and I can show up for people, and I can be reliable and responsible and dependable, and, you know, I can be someone that somebody can count on, and, you know, I'm, I think I'm a great mom, you know? I can just build a home, like, a healthy, happy home with lots of snacks in the kitchen, and, and it's warm and nice, and, you know, just, just like, all the basic things that all of you guys do. For so long, I just wasn't participating, you know? So, like, as people, we're always kind of focusing on, like, the big things, like, "Once I lose 10 pounds, then I'll be happy.

• 53:02Speaker 01

  Once I get this promotion, I'll be happy. Once I get this car, then I'll be happy, or this watch, or this bag." But really, life is all the little things, and you have to get those things in order, because, yeah, you'll get that big thing, but then it'll be, "Okay, what's next?", you know? Because it'll never fill the void, you know? You have to get all the little things together, and that's as little as eating healthy, sleeping enough, meditating, just spending time alone, recharging your batteries, and, um, seeing your friends, and laughing, you know? Like, those, those are the things that happiness is built upon, so, you know, that's where

• 53:43Speaker 01

  I'm liv- trying to live now, because I was very much like, "Well, once I'll get a nose job, I'll be pretty, and then I'll be happy", you know? And it was just always the cycle of trying to find the thing that'll make me happy without realizing that it was right in front of me, but I just needed to, like, water the damn seeds. So, that's what I'm doing now.

• 54:07Jay Shetty?

  Julia, for our tour, we created a segment that we wanted to do with guests called Past, Present, Future. And it starts with a series of cards, just so that everyone knows, that are marked past, present, and future. And Julia has no ideas what these questions are. So, Julia, what I'm gonna ask you to do is I'm gonna ask you to pick.

• 54:27Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 54:28Jay Shetty?

  And these questions will ask you either some, I'll come closer to you. They'll ask you something either about your past, present, or future. They're marked, so we'll see which one you pick. So do you want a past card, a present card, or a future card?

• 54:39Speaker 01

  Do I pick at random, or?

• 54:40Jay Shetty?

  Oh, no. Yeah, it's totally up to you. You can see which one.

• 54:45Jay Shetty?

  Okay, you chose a present card. What does it say?

• 54:48Speaker 01

  What's the last photo in your photo roll? I didn't bring my phone out here with me.

• 54:53Jay Shetty?

  We kept it away. You'll have to post it later.

• 54:56Speaker 01

  Okay, I'll post it later. I'll post it later.

• 54:58Jay Shetty?

  Post it after the show, so you can all go.

• 55:00Speaker 01

  Okay, okay. I'm trying to think. What was it?

• 55:02Jay Shetty?

  Follow Julia and figure out what she posted, as long as you can post it.

• 55:10Speaker 01

  Okay, future card. What niche hobby will you take way too seriously when you're older? Knitting.

• 55:18Speaker 01

  For sure. I cannot wait to be at the nursing home. Leave me the hell alone. I just wanna knit in peace.

• 55:25Jay Shetty?

  What's the first thing you're gonna knit yourself?

• 55:28Speaker 01

  A blanket, so I can like, put it on me as I knit. I just wanna knit myself into a cocoon and be left alone for all eternity. Doesn't that sound amazing?

• 55:41Jay Shetty?

  I want you to pick one of the past cards.

• 55:43Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 55:47Speaker 01

  Where was your first kiss? Okay, guys, I have a confession. I don't remember my first kiss. I know. That's part of like, being, you know, in the trauma. I don't remember a lot of stuff. Like, I genuinely have no idea who it could be. Could be like, a hundred different people.

• 56:10Jay Shetty?

  To end our past, present, future segment, I want to show you a picture. If we can get the first one up. Behind you in a second. Do you remember this moment?

• 56:20Speaker 01

  She was always hustling.

• 56:23Jay Shetty?

  Do you know where you were?

• 56:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was in front of my dad's building and I used to sell lemonade all summer long and just stack paper. I had so much money.

• 56:36Jay Shetty?

  How old were you? Do you remember that?

• 56:38Speaker 01

  I'm probably like eight or nine here.

• 56:40Jay Shetty?

  What advice would you give to your younger self that you look at in that picture?

• 56:46Speaker 01

  Keep stacking paper, girl. No, I'm kidding. To just, like, everything is gonna make sense. You know, just hang in there.

• 57:00Jay Shetty?

  Second one, please. This is your present. What do you need to hear right now? What's the words that you need to hear right now in your life?

• 57:12Speaker 01

  You are worthy.

• 57:18Jay Shetty?

  Do you feel that's like a daily reminder right now?

• 57:21Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:24Speaker 01

  Oh, God.

• 57:26Jay Shetty?

  We have a future, thanks to AI. We have a future version behind me.

• 57:35Speaker 01

  Okay, not so bad. Okay.

• 57:37Jay Shetty?

  You look amazing. Yeah, all right. What do you hope and intend that you'll think of yourself and the people who really know you will say about you at that age? What do you think the people who deeply knew you in life, that really got to know you beneath the surface, will say about you at that age?

• 58:02Speaker 01

  That I'm a boss. I'm a boss-ass bitch. Yeah.

• 58:13Jay Shetty?

  Julia, you've been so brave, vulnerable, thoughtful, hilarious, inspiring to come here today. And it was so funny, when Julia and I were walking up and she said to me, she goes, "I'm pretty sure we don't have a lot of crossover in our audience and our community. And I'm hoping that this has been a positive experience for you."

• 58:40Speaker 06

  It has.

• 58:41Jay Shetty?

  My greatest joy is in all of us learning so much about each other that we're able to see each other's humanity despite how we look, how we present ourselves, how we dress, what country we came from, what background we have, what walks of life and paths that we've been down. Because to me, that's what the world really needs is the ability to look at someone's heart and soul. And you've allowed me to try and give that opportunity to myself and everyone else who trusts me to do that today. And I just want to say a big, big thank you. And I hope this is gonna be a...

• 59:21Speaker 06

  Thank you. Thank you guys so much.

• 59:27Speaker 06

  And thank you too, Joe. Thanks for having me.

• 59:29Jay Shetty?

  I hope this is gonna be the most surprising friendship of 2025. And I actually wanted to ask you one last question because you've talked so beautifully about your son and being a mother. And the audience has really felt that and responded to that tonight. And you actually went through a miscarriage too, right? And was that before or after? This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need the most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now.

• 1:00:13Jay Shetty?

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• 1:00:42Speaker 01

  I was 17 and it happened in a bar. I'm pretty happy I had that miscarriage. I don't even know who, what, who the, yeah.

• 1:00:51Jay Shetty?

  How did that experience affect you at that time?

• 1:00:54Speaker 01

  Like, I even remember that I was once at a pregame when I got a call that my grandpa had died. And I literally like shut off the phone and went back to the pregame. Because like, there was just no way that I was gonna deal with that. And I still have like breakdowns, like violent breakdowns about it. I'm just, I was just very good. I was trained to just shut it off, you know, like shut it off. It didn't happen. Nobody knows. It's okay. Move on. But, you know, like I said, it's like, you know, you know?

• 1:01:33Speaker 01

  So, you know, even though that particular miscarriage was probably God looking out for me. Because I was in no way ready to take on such a sacred role. It still does kind of feel like a little piece of you was, you know, chipped away at.

• 1:01:54Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, whether it's, like you said, being protection or whether it happens sadly and tragically. It's, it's still a part of you that was, was connected to it. And it's.

• 1:02:04Speaker 01

  Totally.

• 1:02:05Jay Shetty?

  And, and hearing about it from that perspective and how you've been able to just, this, this recurring theme in your life of just revisiting. And tonight I feel like you've, and in your incredible book, you know, Down the Drain, your memoir, you've revisited some of these moments that I can't imagine rethinking, reliving, rebreathing.

• 1:02:25Speaker 01

  It was actually so cathartic. It was probably the closest I'd ever gotten to actually, because I've had a hundred therapists, but then I stopped going, you know? But having to sit down every day and write that book. I mean, there were so many times that I was like, I'll just call a ghostwriter. Like, it's fine. Everybody does it. Like, it's okay. And I would just, just force myself to like, sit there and sit with the pain and. And I remember like I'd be flushed, like my cheeks would be red, I'd be sweating because I'm like, oh my God, I can't believe I'm like actually writing this. And it was like, I could have not written it, you know, but, but a part of me felt like, like I needed to, you know, like I needed to talk about it or release it in some way.

• 1:03:09Speaker 01

  And actually, ever since writing the book, I do feel like lighter, weirdly. Like I'm not carrying all that baggage alone. And, and also the, the response that I've gotten from it. And, you know, every time a young girl comes up to me and she tells me that she broke up with her boyfriend because she read my book, I'm like, oh, you know, doing God's work out here.

• 1:03:32Speaker 01

  Just, it doesn't get better than that, guys. But you know what I mean? It's, it's like, that's really what it's all about, you know? I think the, the most times I've ever felt close to happiness or joy, like real pure joy, was when I was able to help somebody without getting anything back. Like, that's really when, when I feel so at peace, you know, and so happy and joyful. So, you know, I think that's just, that's what it's about. And, and also I have this thing where it's like, I don't want to burden anyone. I don't want to be annoying. I don't want to ask. I don't want to be a problem. But it's like, no, people like it. People like it when you ask for help or ask for stuff.

• 1:04:15Speaker 01

  Like I, that's something I really also would tell my present really, like, ask for help. Like, like people like to be of service and people like to help. You're doing them a favor too, you know? So, because I always think like, I'll do it myself. I'll do it. Like, that's my whole thing. I did it myself. But like, it's not sustainable.

• 1:04:33Jay Shetty?

  I want to thank you so much. Is there anything you want to share? Any last words, any?

• 1:04:37Speaker 01

  I actually do want to say one thing because you were mentioning meditation as I was walking out. And in the third grade, my teachers and social workers told, told my dad that I was probably ADHD and needed to get medication. And, and my dad actually put me in transcendental meditation classes. And in that same year, I was failing all my classes. I was I was like a complete 180. I started getting As and sitting at the front of my class and raising my hand. And if only I had stuck with it. That's all I'm gonna say. But it really works. Meditation really works.

• 1:05:15Jay Shetty?

  Are you back to it now?

• 1:05:17Speaker 01

  It's always on my to-do list and I never do it. But now, because I've told all of you, and I hope you guys hold me accountable and write in my comments all day, I hope you're meditating today, Julia. If you guys could do that for me, you have no idea how much I need it. I will definitely pick back up.

• 1:05:36Jay Shetty?

  All right. That's the first thing we're gonna do today is meditation.

• 1:05:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:40Jay Shetty?

  Julia, as our On Purpose audience knows, we end every episode with a final five. These have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum.

• 1:05:49Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:05:50Jay Shetty?

  So Julia Fox, these are your final five. The first question is, what is the best advice you've ever heard or received?

• 1:05:56Speaker 01

  The best advice I've ever heard or received is actually from my mom, who said, "Be nice to everyone because you'll never know when you need a favor."

• 1:06:07Jay Shetty?

  Question number two, what is the worst advice you've ever heard or received?

• 1:06:11Speaker 01

  To like, stop doing so much. Yeah. To not be so extra. And I think that's horrible advice, you know? That's like asking someone to like dim their light, you know? It's just a wild ask. I think you have to be extra and you have to be cringe and you have to be yourself. It's the only way you can really live authentically.

• 1:06:36Jay Shetty?

  Okay. Went over the word count on that one. I'll give it to you.

• 1:06:39Speaker 01

  Oh my God, I forgot the one word.

• 1:06:41Jay Shetty?

  Question number three, what's something that you used to value that you no longer value?

• 1:06:47Speaker 01

  Drugs.

• 1:06:49Jay Shetty?

  Great answer. I love it. Question number four, what's the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

• 1:06:56Speaker 01

  TikTok.

• 1:06:59Jay Shetty?

  Honest answer. And question number five, we ask this to every guest who's ever been on the show. If you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?

• 1:07:09Speaker 01

  Be nice to women.

• 1:07:13Speaker 01

  Judy Fox, everyone! Give it up!

• 1:07:16Jay Shetty?

  If you loved this episode, you'll love my interview with Will Smith on owning your truth and unlocking the power of manifestation.

• 1:07:24Speaker 07

  Anybody who hasn't spoken to their parents or their brother, call them right now. Don't think you're gonna have a chance to call them tomorrow or next week. That opportunity with my father changed every relationship in my life. Mr. President, my company informed me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd.

• 1:07:45Speaker 08

  Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me. Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 1:07:57Speaker 06

  What would happen if I stopped drilling? You stall, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 1:08:01Speaker 08

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 1:08:04Speaker 06

  I'm not the first daddy.

• 1:08:06Speaker 08

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a minute without parent.