Jays Must Listens: You’re Approaching Dating Wrong! (Use THIS Blueprint to Attract the RIGHT Person) Ft. Vanessa Van Edwards & Jillian Turecki

How do you know if someone’s really right for you? Has there ever been a time you thought someone was right for you but turned out wrong? Today, Jay brings together four of today’s most insightful voices on love and relationships, Vanessa Van Edwards, Jillian Turecki, Sadia Khan, and Lori Gottlieb, for a deep and honest look at what it really takes to find meaningful connection in the modern world. They share how our signals, habits, and self-perception shape our experiences in dating far more than luck or timing ever could. Vanessa breaks down the subtle science of attraction, and why confidence and openness often matter more than appearance. Jillian helps us face our fear of rejection, reminding us that love isn’t about finding “the one,” but about choosing and growing with someone intentionally. Sadia and Lori take us deeper, showing how self-esteem, honesty, and emotional maturity determine who we allow into our lives. Sadia challenges the patterns that keep us stuck with the wrong people, while Lori highlights the courage it takes to speak our truth and set boundaries early on. Together, their insights form a roadmap for dating that feels healthy, grounded, and real. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Build Confidence Through Body Language How to Date Without Burning Out How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection How to Choose the Right Person, Not the Perfect One How to Stop Choosing Emotionally Unavailable People How to Be Honest About What You Want in Love Love isn’t something that happens by accident, it’s something you learn to create with intention. Every experience, whether it leads to a spark or a lesson, brings you closer to understanding what you truly need and deserve. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty. Join over 750,000 people to receive my most transformative wisdom directly in your inbox every single week with my free newsletter. Subscribe here. Check out our Apple subscription to unlock bonus content of On Purpose! https://lnk.to/JayShettyPodcast What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:50 The Flirtation Signals You’re Missing 09:19 The Three Biggest Dating Mistakes 13:32 Rejection is Like a Muscle 16:37 You Shouldn’t Rush Real Love 21:17 The Fear of the Unknown in Relationships 22:22 Who You Give Your Energy To Shapes Your Love Life 24:29 Why Are We Drawn to Emotionally Unavailable People? 26:01 The Real Reason You’re Struggling to Find a Partner 27:49 Are Your Standards Too High? 29:16 Is It Ever Okay to Ghost? 30:52 The Power of Being Honest About What You Want 32:47 Your Present Habits Reveal Your Relationship’s Future See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells, Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted.

• 0:41Jay Shetty?

  Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient

• 1:26Jay Shetty?

  density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements, and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/OnPurpose. That's drinkag1.com/OnPurpose.

• 1:56Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the chance to step outside of our routine. Travel is a way of slowing us down and shifting our perspective. And with the Chase Sapphire Reserve card, every journey becomes even more rewarding. Earn four times the points on flights and hotels booked direct. Enjoy access to award-winning airport lounges, three times the points on dining and reserve-exclusive tables. Learn more at chase.com/sapphirereserve. Cards issued by JP Morgan Chase Bank, N A Member FDIC. Subject to credit approval, terms apply. What if you've been approaching dating all wrong?

• 2:41Jay Shetty?

  Maybe you've put yourself out there, but nothing clicks? Or you're still waiting for the right person? Over half of singles today are open to love, yet more than 60% feel burned out by apps. The truth is, finding love isn't about perfection. It's about showing up authentically, reading the right signals, and attracting real connection. In this episode, we're joined by body language specialist Vanessa Van Edwards, love expert Gillian Turecki, relationship coach Sadiya Khan, and psychotherapist Laurie Gottlieb. A masterclass on attraction, chemistry, and building relationships that last. Let's get into it.

• 3:19Speaker 01

  The number one health and wellness podcast.

• 3:21Speaker 02

  Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty.

• 3:27Jay Shetty?

  Social scientist Vanessa Van Edwards shifts our attention to the subtleties of connection, specifically the cues we give off in dating and attraction that often go unnoticed. She explains that we think we're obvious when we're interested, but research shows we're not. In fact, people recognize flirting only 28% of the time, and women often have to send multiple signals quickly just to be understood. Take a listen and stay tuned for the takeaway. Let's say you're at a workout class. Let's say you're at a social space. Maybe it is a rooftop bar, maybe it is a club. Yes. You want to signal to someone to make a move. You want to let them know that you find them attractive, that you'd like them to do something,

• 4:12Jay Shetty?

  but you want to be subtle, you don't want to give it away. How do you let someone know that they should make a move without giving it away? Okay.

• 4:21Speaker 03

  I'm gonna give you news that you're probably not gonna like. But it's so important. It's a phenomenon called signal amplification bias. What this is, it's very well studied, that we tend to think we are over-obvious with our cues. So if you're in a bar, they literally studied singles in a like bar nightclub setting. Women and men who think they are being obvious with their flirtation cues. The other person has no idea.

• 4:49Jay Shetty?

  That's so good.

• 4:49Speaker 03

  They even counted the number of flirtation signals. This was incredible research. They observed singles mingling and they counted each person's flirtatious signals towards other people in the room. They found in 10 minutes, how many signals do you think it took for a woman to show a man she was interested? How many, in 10 minutes, how many signals did she have to send?

• 5:10Jay Shetty?

  When it actually worked?

• 5:11Speaker 03

  When it actually worked.

• 5:13Jay Shetty?

  Now that you've given me some sort of, I'm gonna go 30.

• 5:16Speaker 03

  29.

• 5:17Jay Shetty?

  Oh, okay, cool.

• 5:18Speaker 03

  That's it. But do you know how many signals that is in 10 minutes?

• 5:21Jay Shetty?

  That's a lot of signals.

• 5:22Speaker 03

  That is, that is pretty constant.

• 5:24Jay Shetty?

  And if you didn't tell me, I probably would have guessed three.

• 5:26Speaker 03

  Right.

• 5:27Jay Shetty?

  It was only because you gave me a sense that there was more. I probably would have said three, seven.

• 5:31Speaker 03

  That is what women think is what's needed. I sent three flirty glances and he just didn't come over. He's not interested. No, he didn't see him. Or he doubted himself. Or he was like, was that a trick of my eye? It took 29 signals in 10 minutes to get approached. So the other person went, oh, she's interested, just interested. That was before even the conversation started. So what are the flirty glances of availability? And this is what's most important is in the same group of studies. They found that attractive women, the most attractive women who are rated on their attractiveness, got approached less than unattractive women who didn't signal enough.

• 6:09Jay Shetty?

  Fascinating.

• 6:10Speaker 03

  So if you're an attractive woman and you don't signal enough, you won't be approached.

• 6:13Jay Shetty?

  Do you have to approach more based on how objectively attractive you are?

• 6:16Speaker 03

  You have to be available more. So what they found, and this is so, it's ridiculous that we're rating on attractiveness, but it helps us understand that sometimes I think we use attractiveness as an excuse. I'm not pretty enough or I'm not this enough. No, actually, some unattractive women who signaled availability got approached more.

• 6:33Jay Shetty?

  Wow.

• 6:34Speaker 03

  And so availability actually makes you more attractive.

• 6:38Speaker 03

  When you think about your hair, your outfit, how you look, how you smell, all those things are great, but they will not work if you do not know the body language signals of availability. And you have to be super clear with them. So the very first one are flirty glances.

• 6:55Jay Shetty?

  Are you gonna, are you gonna demonstrate?

• 6:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm gonna demo it for you. Okay, so flirty glances are typically, they are little gaze patterns, is we sweep the room with our eyes, then we see someone we like, we...

• 7:07Jay Shetty?

  Oh yeah, nice little side glance.

• 7:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, like, very brief.

• 7:10Jay Shetty?

  It's a look back up.

• 7:11Speaker 03

  It's a look back up.

• 7:11Jay Shetty?

  It's like you're looking around, but then...

• 7:13Speaker 03

  Look back, yeah. And it's a side look or a down and up look. The down and up look works really well because you're looking up through your lashes. That's a very, um, think Marilyn Monroe. So if you want to look at the classic example of this, every good photo of Marilyn Monroe, she has her chin tilted down and she's looking up through her eyes.

• 7:29Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 7:30Speaker 03

  That is a look that we just like. We just like it. That's why we like it. So it's glancing around the room and then eye contact away, eye contact away. Then it's little smiles. So look and little smile. And by the way, remember, it took 29 of these. So we gotta get really comfortable with trying. And the nice thing is, there's no pressure. If he doesn't return the glance, he doesn't return the glance, right? So, um, eye contact, smiles. Self-touch is also considered a flirty glance. So like if I play with my hair, or I play with my dress, that's a, the way of signaling our hair health from a evolutionary perspective. It's like, look how healthy I am, my healthy long hair. I think it's one of the reasons why we tend to like long hair. Women will also, uh, when they're flirting, they'll

• 8:10Speaker 03

  touch their neck, their lips, or their chin. This actually releases pheromones. So the reason why sometimes women will touch their neck or touch their lips is because they're actually trying to release their scent. And scent is very, very important. It's important in dating, but it's also important in friendships. For example, it's a little bit off the side of dating, but I just want to explain why smell is so important. I just read this study and I was like, what? They had women wear white t-shirts with no deodorant, no, nothing. So just their natural smell for 24 hours. They took these t-shirts and they had other women smell these t-shirts and rate the women on if they liked the smell. Okay? Imagine you're opening a Ziploc bag and you're smelling the shirt.

• 8:49Jay Shetty?

  This is a painful study.

• 8:50Speaker 03

  I would have loved it. Okay? I would have loved it. Sign me up. The researchers, I'm there. So they had them smell the t-shirts and they had them rate them on how much they liked the smell. Then they had all the women interact in person. They didn't know who's who. The smell they liked the best predicted who they liked the best in person.

• 9:08Jay Shetty?

  No way.

• 9:09Speaker 03

  They actually found their people. There is something to it. So when you're self touching like that, it's because we're trying to release this natural smell of like, I'm probably click with you.

• 9:19Jay Shetty?

  Right, if you smell good.

• 9:21Speaker 03

  If you smell good. And good is, is

• 9:23Jay Shetty?

  Is subjective.

• 9:24Speaker 03

  Subjective. Like, that's why I think why sometimes you're like, oh, we're just clicking. We like, like each other's smell. So, so being available also like releasing pheromone, self touch. And then this one is not from the research, but I'm gonna really encourage you to try it. I think the best way to show availability is one word. And it sounds like this. Hey. Just that, okay? You walk to the bathroom, you walk to the bar, you walk by them. Hey. Just like that. Because look, by the way, this is for both men and women.

• 9:56Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 9:56Speaker 03

  Okay, because life is too short to not hey.

• 9:59Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 10:00Speaker 03

  Right, and there's no pressure. If you walk by someone in the gym, right? And you're like, hey. Even if they have their AirPods in, if they like you, they're gonna be like, hey. Right?

• 10:10Jay Shetty?

  Does it matter the tone of voice? Cause you say

• 10:13Speaker 03

  No, it matters.

• 10:13Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it does matter. So if you go like, hey, it's not like

• 10:16Speaker 03

  That was pretty good.

• 10:17Jay Shetty?

  Okay, alright.

• 10:18Speaker 03

  Okay, so I'll do

• 10:19Jay Shetty?

  That was me trying to downplay it.

• 10:20Speaker 03

  That was good, that was good. See, men, men do good with a downward inflection. So like that downward inflection is good. So if it goes good, the guy's gonna be like, hey. If he did not intuit, he's gonna be like, hey?

• 10:29Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, right.

• 10:31Speaker 03

  No problem. Right, like, cool, hey? So it's like the most low pressure way. When you're in the grocery store, when, even by the way, if someone has AirPods on, they're still gonna see you go.

• 10:43Speaker 03

  And they're gonna take out their AirPods. And they're gonna be like, hey. So here's the difference, right? So I am using the lowest end of my natural tone. This is especially important for women, but everyone. Research finds that we decide how confident someone is within the first 200 milliseconds of hearing them speak. Two hundred milliseconds. That means the most important word you can say really is, hey. That's it. You've just signaled your confidence, your confidence, not competence. It's specifically confidence. Okay, so what does that mean? We are listening for relaxation and breath in the vocal cords. So right now, I'm working really hard to use the lowest end of my natural voice because I know that people are listening and I want to keep them relaxed. When I get nervous, I tend to go a little higher in my vocal tone.

• 11:27Speaker 03

  I might get a little bit more vocal fry and I might sound a little bit more like this. Now, if I were to do the entire interview in this tone of voice, it would drive you crazy.

• 11:34Jay Shetty?

  Absolutely, a hundred percent.

• 11:35Speaker 03

  Horrible.

• 11:35Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 11:36Speaker 03

  It's infectious. We catch it. We don't like to be around people where we could catch their anxiety. We don't want to catch their anxiety. They've even found that we match the voice resonance of the most important person in the room. So when they tested people, they found that they, subconsciously, their resonance matched whoever's most important person in their own resonance.

• 11:56Jay Shetty?

  The key takeaway here is that confidence and availability beats attractiveness every time. People respond to signals of openness, not perfection. Mastering body language like flirty glances, leaning in, mirroring someone's energy can make a huge difference in who you attract. It just requires intentionality and lowering the stakes so that even a casual hey can lead to big results.

• 12:29Jay Shetty?

  Some moments in your life stay with you forever. In a special segment of On Purpose, I share a story about a book that changed my life early in my journey and how I was able to find the exact same edition on eBay years later. There are certain books that don't just give you information, they shift the way you see the world. I remember reading one when I was younger that completely changed me. Years later, I found myself thinking about that book again. I wanted the same edition back, not a reprint, not a different cover, that exact one. So I started searching and that's when I found it on eBay. That's what I love about eBay. It's not just a marketplace, it's a place where stories live.

• 13:11Jay Shetty?

  Shop eBay for millions of finds, each with a story. eBay, things people love. Listen to On Purpose on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

• 13:37Jay Shetty?

  Up next, love expert Jillian Turecki. She shares the biggest dating mistakes people make, and how to build resilience and clarity to find real connection. She reminds us dating isn't just about the one, but about learning who you are. While many expect instant sparks, true connection often grows slowly. And with 70% of people reporting they've been love bombed, moving too fast can sabotage something meaningful. And above all, choosing who to share your life with is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. Don't rush it. What are the three biggest mistakes I'm making in dating right now? Like, what am I getting wrong about dating? That seems to be the top question.

• 14:20Speaker 04

  So there's a few things. One is, it shouldn't just be the apps. I don't tell people, get off the apps. Sometimes I say, get on the apps. But if you just focus on that, that's going to burn you out, and it's going to exhaust you. And you're meeting a bunch of strangers. So that's like another mistake that people make, is that they're impatient. It's not every day that you meet someone who you want to build a relationship with. Like, it's just not that easy. But you have to get out there. You have to be proactive. Look, there are people who are sitting around on their couch waiting for like that person to fall onto the couch next to them. And it's not going to happen that way. So you can either live your life to the fullest,

• 15:05Speaker 04

  and enjoy your life, and trust that one day, organically, it may or may not happen. If you put yourself out there and you widen your circle. Or you actually have to be proactive and that might mean going on a like dating like it's your business, like going on a bunch of dates every single week with as low of an expectation as possible because one of the biggest mistakes that people make in dating, like I have nothing but compassion and empathy for this. But you're texting with someone, you're kind of excited, you feel like there's a vibe and then you go out and you're like, oh, I don't feel spark or I'm not into it. And then there's this, people then get into learned helplessness. And when they go into learned helplessness, they're like, you know, it's the why me, this is never going to happen. It's this state that

• 15:49Speaker 04

  I am in is permanent. Like I will never find anyone. No, dating is really an opportunity for you to practice your social skills. Social skills are things that most people are not that great at. Honestly, even the people who think that they're really great at it. It takes a lot to really talk to someone and not interview them and actually be curious about them. You know, a lot of people are nervous. So practice breathing and being comfortable in your body and getting to know someone and who knows, maybe you make a friend and maybe you never want to see that person again, but at least you're practicing. So the three biggest mistakes is just focusing on the apps and not actually expanding your circle and doing new things and letting certain things unfold organically. Number

• 16:34Speaker 04

  two, impatience. Number three, just sort of high expectations. But I want to add another one if I can. Please. People get into these very long, I mean, when I say long, like weeks, texting exchanges with these people and it gives them a false sense of intimacy. Oh, I have this amazing connection. They had never even met the person. And then maybe they never meet. Don't do that. Text a little bit back and forth like a day and make a date to either meet on FaceTime, Zoom or in person. You really should go about it as if your time is too precious to waste texting back and forth with a stranger who. Uh, may not be available.

• 17:14Jay Shetty?

  For a month.

• 17:15Speaker 04

  Yeah, for a month or more. And then you're getting all excited. I understand like the thrill of it and it's all, it's exciting, but it's such a waste of time. Honestly, you know, meet the person.

• 17:25Jay Shetty?

  As you were speaking, I was thinking about what's at the root of that for so many people. And one of the things that came to me was this fear of rejection.

• 17:35Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 17:35Jay Shetty?

  So even the idea of I'm talking to this person for a month is because I don't have to potentially face meeting someone and them never wanting to meet me again. Or the resistance that we have to make work and dating feel the same. I know so many people who will cancel on dates last minute because they're scared of, well, what if I go and it doesn't work out?

• 17:58Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 17:58Jay Shetty?

  Or, and, and rejection, by the way, is two types of rejection. One type of rejection is that person doesn't want me.

• 18:04Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 18:05Jay Shetty?

  And the other type of rejection is that person doesn't meet my expectations or that person, I don't want to be with them.

• 18:11Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 18:11Jay Shetty?

  So I'm not just saying rejection in that we're scared of, well, what if that person doesn't like me? We're also scared of the, am I going to reject another person? And like you said, with the high expectations. What do we do about both of those types of our fear of rejection? Because let's take the, the more obvious one to start with. We all want to be loved. We want to be liked. We all want the next person to be the person.

• 18:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:36Jay Shetty?

  Chances are that's not going to happen. We know that.

• 18:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:40Jay Shetty?

  But still we struggle with the fact that I'm going to meet someone and they're going to say, well, you're not right for me. Or, you know, I don't, don't really want to see you again. Like, how do you get over that? Because we talk about it in entrepreneurship. We talk about it in life, but when you do it with love, it seems so personal.

• 18:54Speaker 04

  It's one thing to be rejected by the person you love. It's another thing to be rejected by a stranger who you don't know. This is just human nature. We go on dates, even if we're not into the person. We want them to be into us. Or, right?

• 19:10Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 19:10Speaker 04

  Or like, we find them, let's say we find them attractive. And then we find out, wait, you're not into me? You don't find me attractive? Yeah, but life really, the quality of our lives is very much determined by how well we can confront rejection. Like, you're not gonna be for everyone. And I really believe this with all of my heart and soul. If someone is not into you, for whatever reason, like, let's say you're in the early dating process, they're not attracted to you, they're not feeling a spark, whatever it is, they absolutely are not for you. I can guarantee that. So, it's important to build that resilience against rejection muscle. First of all, it makes a person more attractive. Second of all, it's just part of life.

• 19:53Speaker 04

  And I know that it's like, you're putting yourself out there, but I wish there was like, a magic pill that I could give people to just get over it. But you have to become more resilient when it comes to that. You know, you can't be hiding behind texts and not actually meet the person. It sounds hard, but you have to be stronger than that. Honestly, you really, really do. And you have to just trust that like, you're not for everyone, and not everyone's for you. And yes, it's awkward, and maybe we can just all acknowledge the awkwardness of it all, you know? But you still have to, if you want love and you want a relationship, you have to go for it. You can't just be passive.

• 20:31Jay Shetty?

  You're looking for one person to fall in love with you and for you to fall in love with.

• 20:35Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 20:36Jay Shetty?

  And for that, you're going to have to meet a lot of people to find that one person. But all you need is one person to say yes, one person to say, I do, one person to say, I love you.

• 20:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:46Jay Shetty?

  And if you're only looking for one person, just by the nature of odds, you should know.

• 20:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:52Jay Shetty?

  That that probably won't be the next person. So, switching to that, you said one thing about kind of going in at the lowest baseline expectation.

• 21:01Jay Shetty?

  Which I agree with, because then you're allowing it to become a friendship, you're allowing it to become a nothing ship.

• 21:06Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 21:07Jay Shetty?

  You're allowing it to become what it is.

• 21:08Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 21:09Jay Shetty?

  As opposed to us walking in and going, this next person's gonna be my wife, my husband, whatever it may be.

• 21:13Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:14Jay Shetty?

  My partner. I think it's so natural for so many of us to want to speed up love.

• 21:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:21Jay Shetty?

  Like speeding up love seems to be our addiction and obsession. With I just wanna meet the one. Now that we're dating, I just wanna get married. Now, you know, it's, we're trying to accelerate love almost. So how do we slow it down? And how do we take it back to baseline?

• 21:37Speaker 04

  Number one is, there is no the one. There really isn't. I mean, we actually choose who the one is. And this is, this is really, really important. Love, as I'm sure you know, is a choice. Like, it's a feeling, for sure. But we're so conditioned to believe that love is just a feeling, as opposed to a choice. And that when, if you do decide to be with someone long term, you're going to have to make that choice many, many times throughout your relationship, which is, I choose you. Right? So people wanna rush it. And so what they do, and what I've done, is that we lie to ourselves. And it's also because we've been lied by society that there is, and romanticism, that there is this one person

• 22:22Speaker 04

  who's gonna come into your life and rescue you, and make your life better. And that, once you find that person, like, everything becomes easier. And I'm certainly not advocating for people being in difficult relationships. But the more challenges you've had in relationships, the less that you've been modeled, what it is to actually really love someone. The more you are going to be challenged to overcome and transcend old things and old patterning to actually love someone and to do love, to where it's a verb and not just a feeling. So how do we slow it down? And we just wanna rush it? It's about acknowledging that feeling. So a lot of people they meet, there's chemistry.

• 23:06Speaker 04

  And I know that this was me. I think if there's chemistry, then this is it. As opposed to, well, maybe in the past, there's been chemistry and I haven't had chemistry with the right people. So maybe I need to slow down a little bit and sort of process my enthusiasm. And it's not about, I don't want anyone to, I don't want to rain on anyone's parade. Like, all that stuff is really fun in the beginning. But you want to just say, okay, hold on. What am I feeling right now? This feels really good. This is really exciting. But I need to slow down because I actually need to uncover this person's character. I need to uncover their values. I perhaps need to get a little bit clearer on what it is that I need, what it is that I value, and what it is that I really, really want.

• 23:49Speaker 04

  Not just my preference, but what do I need in order to function in a relationship? Do I have some understanding of myself? You know, it's difficult. Women, childbearing age, societal pressures, get married. I understand I have nothing but compassion for that. The more that I can stress that who you decide to partner with is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in your entire life. And we are meant to kind of get it wrong. And some of us get it wrong for a longer time than others, right? But it is the most important decision. So if you're going to rush that, you're really, truly doing yourself a disservice.

• 24:32Speaker 04

  And you have to get comfortable with the fact that, yes, you're scared. You're scared to be alone. You're scared to not be loved. You don't want to be in the dating world. I get all of that. Be mindful of it. You know, connect to that within yourself and remind yourself always that who you decide to spend your life with might be one of the most important decisions, if not the most important decision, because there's no one in your life who's going to have a bigger impact on your overall well-being and emotional state than the person who you choose to spend your life with. So you've got to take that decision very seriously and not rush it.

• 25:11Jay Shetty?

  I've often said to friends, there's the pain of being single and there's the pain of being in the wrong relationship.

• 25:18Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 25:19Jay Shetty?

  And the pain of being single is a lot better than the pain of being in the wrong relationship.

• 25:24Speaker 04

  Agree 100%. Agree 100%.

• 25:27Jay Shetty?

  It's so hard when you're dating someone and you've got enmeshed into each other's lives. There's the toxicity, there's complexity, there's, as you said earlier, there's a disconnect in your values.

• 25:41Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 25:41Jay Shetty?

  The person's character. You think you just discovered it, but actually they showed it all along and you didn't see the signs. And now you're thinking, gosh, I was happier when I was single.

• 25:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 25:51Jay Shetty?

  And you can't see that when you're single because the promise of being in a relationship is so alluring and intoxicating that we feel like I must have that now.

• 26:01Speaker 04

  Yes. And many of those people might think, yes, it's easier when I'm single, but they're actually afraid to go back to it. And that's why they stay in these relationships because we fear the unknown.

• 26:16Jay Shetty?

  The key takeaway here is that while you're only looking for that one person, understand that it might not be the next person, but that doesn't mean you stop showing up. It means you use discernment to get clearer, stronger and more grounded in who you are and what needs you have. When you do that, you're able to show up authentically and honor what you deserve.

• 26:46Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need the most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com/podcast.

• 27:29Jay Shetty?

  That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs.

• 27:38Speaker 05

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• 28:07Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Orange Theory Fitness. One of the best investments you can make is in your own strength. The choices you make today can help shape how you feel for years to come. Orange Theory Fitness provides a one hour workout to build strength, burn fat and build muscle with an expert coach guiding you every step of the way. Head to orangetheory.com slash on purpose to learn more and get your first class free. Orange Theory Fitness, helping people live longer, more vibrant lives. Terms and conditions apply. See webpage in studio for details.

• 28:49Jay Shetty?

  So often in dating, we obsess over who we're attracting. But the real question is, who are we entertaining? The next guest is relationship coach, Sadia Khan. Nearly 80% of daters report being ghosted at least once. And Sadia reveals that attraction isn't the issue. Most of us can attract all types of people. The problem is what we normalize. The late night texts, the dismissiveness, the person who never makes space for you. That's where we lose our power. Most people I speak to feel like they keep attracting people who are unavailable, people who don't want to commit, people who don't have the emotional capacity for connection. Why is it?

• 29:29Sadia Khan?

  It's not what we attract, it's what we entertain. Most people can attract pretty much everybody. Yeah, if we try hard enough, we can pretty much attract everybody. But when we have low self-esteem, we have these personal prophecies that people are supposed to be a bit unavailable. People are supposed to be hard to get, or it's normal that he doesn't text back, or it's normal that he doesn't really ask me how my day is. It's normal that he only texts me at 12 a.m. on a Friday night. And because they believe that that's normalized to themselves, they start to accept what's actually not going to lead to a healthy relationship. The moment they figure out, not what they're attracting, but what they're entertaining, they can take their power back and say, I'm actually attracting all types of men. But the ones I keep forming an attachment to are the ones that leave me a bit anxious and the ones that leave me worrying what this is and where this is going.

• 30:13Sadia Khan?

  Instead of being attracted to that, I start to learn that that is a signal that they've got commitment issues and all it's going to do is delay my time, delay my ability to get married, delay my ability to, you know, have a family and so on and so forth. So we can attract all types of men, but we only entertain the ones that will enable you to start a family and a relationship, or whatever your goal is. They enable that. And if they don't enable that, try and lose attraction for them.

• 30:34Jay Shetty?

  Why do we feel more attracted to people who make us anxious and who are unavailable? Why is it that we think that they're the ones worth chasing?

• 30:43Sadia Khan?

  Firstly, if we have low self-esteem, we kind of see as that this is supposed to happen. And nobody's supposed to just overly adore and love us. That's probably not going to happen. It's normal that we get treated like this, if that's your low self-esteem. But the other thing is unavailable men, sometimes they demonstrate the idea of having options and alternatives. Their mystery makes them seem more desirable. And because of that mystery, we assume that they've got something interesting going on. They've got alternatives. There's something about them that's making them busy and making them dismissive. When we really realize that, it's actually they're just emotionally immature. They're not this special guy that's got a million things going and his work is taking over and he's so, so busy. Actually, he's just emotionally immature. He doesn't know how to commit. He doesn't know how to ward off alternatives and just focus on one person at a time.

• 31:27Sadia Khan?

  When you realize that it's actually a signal of emotional immaturity than desirability, we actually won't be so attracted to that person who can't communicate in a healthy way.

• 31:36Jay Shetty?

  I think you're spot on. When I'm listening to you, I'm thinking... If you want someone, like anyone should, who texts back within a decent amount of time, that's not an abnormal request.

• 31:47Sadia Khan?

  And nobody is that, that busy. I know like men like to say, I'm busy at work, or I've got this going on, I'm that stressed. Completely understandable, but one text to let that, let that person know will enable them to just relax the whole day, but you can't have the emotional maturity or the empathy to just send that quick text. Then that person doesn't understand what it takes to have a healthy relationship and they're probably not worth your investment.

• 32:07Jay Shetty?

  Obviously, a lot of people these days aren't even getting that far because they're meeting people on dating apps.

• 32:12Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 32:12Jay Shetty?

  And so you're swiping away, you might get into a conversation with two or three people. First of all, let's talk about this, you're not matching with anyone, like no one, it doesn't feel like it's going that well. What do you say to men and women who feel like they've been rejected a few too many times and they're losing that faith and ability to feel that there is someone out there for them?

• 32:34Sadia Khan?

  Just to be careful on, are you actually not matching or are you disliking who you're matching with? Sometimes what's happened is because of social media and because of dating apps, we enter relationships with almost like a, you know, a double standard or a sense of comparison of comparing people to our algorithms. We're saying, well, if he's not the dream guy or she's not the dream girl, if he's not a high value man and she's not a high value woman. We start to look at our matches with a level of like distaste. When sometimes the better thing to do is look at the people who are matching with you and try and see are they actually that bad? Are they some, is there something wrong with them? Or am I just comparing them to a dream idea or a partner that I haven't actually been able to access? I always just think the more you like the person you are, the higher your self-esteem, the more you like people who like you.

• 33:17Sadia Khan?

  The fact that the person that are matching you, automatically you start to like them more because they've matched you because you like you and they, they like you as well. When you've got low self-esteem, you chase after people that you can't access. So my advice to people is always start with who likes you, always start with that pool. And then home in on that pool and see if you've got similar demographics, values, so on and so forth. But where people go wrong is they glorify the people that they're not matching with and wanting a love that they've never been able to access. And then comparing who they do get matched with, with these alternatives that aren't really real. So the better thing is to focus on who does and maybe adapt your standards to those people who are actually invested in you.

• 33:54Jay Shetty?

  It's so true and I feel like. What I'm thinking people are gonna say is, well, why do I have to settle?

• 34:01Sadia Khan?

  If similarity feels like settling, then maybe your standards are too high. And what I mean by that is, I sometimes will meet men who are in their, maybe in their forties, on their second divorce, and saying, I don't want a woman with baggage. So I need somebody twenty five years old. I don't want women with baggage. Or sometimes I'll meet women who are, you know, not working and they say, I want a man that's an entrepreneur and got six figures. But I always just say, shouldn't you be looking for someone similar to you? And if similar to you starts to feel like you're settling, then maybe your standards are a bit inflated. If what you're bringing to the table and what you're receiving, if you're asking for that, you're not asking for too much. But if you're asking for people to fill the gaps in your self-worth, maybe you do need to adapt your standards a little bit. So ask yourself, does similarity feel like settling?

• 34:43Sadia Khan?

  If it does, then maybe we need to work on ourselves to be able to access people that we're actually craving.

• 34:48Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's so much of what you're talking about is just having awareness and honesty.

• 34:53Sadia Khan?

  I know.

• 34:53Jay Shetty?

  Like, there's such a need to be honest with ourselves.

• 34:56Sadia Khan?

  And it's harder, it's getting harder to become honest with ourselves because we are bombarded with advice from TikToks and advice from, you know, people that are giving advice about never settle, you're somebody's dream girl, or this is a high-value woman. So we think that if we get anything less than what our algorithm is suggesting, we're settling. When really, if, as long as we're matched in terms of values and maturity and where we see ourselves in the future, we're not truly settling. We're just finding somebody who's compatible.

• 35:21Jay Shetty?

  I mean, so many people on dating apps these days, their common experience is being ghosted.

• 35:25Sadia Khan?

  Mm-hmm.

• 35:26Jay Shetty?

  And I'm sure you've heard from a million people

• 35:29Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 35:29Jay Shetty?

  about feeling like, hey, we were having a good chat and this person just disappeared.

• 35:33Sadia Khan?

  Yeah.

• 35:34Jay Shetty?

  What would be your advice to someone who feels like they've got ghosted?

• 35:37Sadia Khan?

  I would say, try and have the reasonable expectations. Unfortunately, in the digital world, people see each other as disposable. And there's very minimal investment, so they don't always feel like they owe somebody an explanation. And usually when they're ghosting, it's either they've met alternatives or they might have just been on the app to buy some time to heal from a heartbreak. They're not truly looking for a partner. They're just looking to kind of heal some, or kind of recover from some kind of stress that they're going through as a coping mechanism. So if they're ghosting you, try not to take it too personally. But if you've been dating that person and then they ghost you, chances are they're hiding information. Ghosters, regardless of their reason, they're still poor communicators. And whatever the reason that they have for ghosting you, the bigger reason is they're not great at communicating.

• 36:20Sadia Khan?

  So try and reduce your attraction to people who can't communicate well.

• 36:24Jay Shetty?

  Sadia reminds us, it's not about attracting the right person, but having the self-esteem to stop entertaining the wrong ones. If someone leaves you anxious, that's not chemistry, it's immaturity. If similarity feels like settling, your standards may be shaped by comparison culture. And if someone ghosts you, it's poor communication, reason enough to walk away. In the end, who you choose to entertain shapes the quality of your relationships. Build your self-esteem, use your agency, and invest in those who truly value you. Finally, therapist and author Laurie Gottlieb shows us how to face the hardest moments in dating. Speaking your truth, knowing when to stay, and having the courage to leave.

• 37:09Jay Shetty?

  Being honest about what you want isn't needy, it's brave. Yet sixty percent of people admit staying in relationships longer than they should, while only six percent leave too soon. Avoiding honesty isn't kindness, it's avoidance. The key to transformation in love isn't fixing someone else, it's growing yourself.

• 37:29Speaker 07

  Lots of people will say, oh, you know, I know, I think my other person that I'm dating is also dating other people. I would like to not date other people, but I'm afraid that I'll appear too needy too early, right? As opposed to just being honest about what you want, they can say yes or no. But to be clear about, look, we're dating, I don't feel comfortable with, I can't really feel like I can get close to you if I know that you're dating other people at this point, because we're spending a lot of time together. So how do you feel about this? Are you ready to be in an exclusive relationship? Is that of interest to you? If they say no, wow, great, you've learned a lot. You can make a choice, like, I'm comfortable doing this for another month, or I'm not, or, you know, whatever it is.

• 38:11Speaker 07

  Or they can say, oh, I didn't know that that was important to you, and I would like that too, let's do that. Or I'm not ready to do that. So people do this in all kinds of situations. It's not just about marriage. They're so afraid to just bring their true selves into the kind of relationship where the the whole game here is bringing your true self to it. So if you can't practice that at any point in the relationship, you're not ready to be together for the long term. You can't just say, oh, now that we're engaged, now I can bring my true self. Well, that's a recipe for disaster because now it's like you've misrepresented what you actually want and need in a relationship. And maybe the other person has misinterpreted what you want and need because you haven't expressed it.

• 38:53Jay Shetty?

  But we're so it's I'm fully with you. I just find that we're so it's so hardwired in us. Like, we're so scared of rejection.

• 39:00Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 39:00Jay Shetty?

  How do you feel about those shows? And yes, they're entertaining. And yes, we love to get into all the gossip and what's going on and everything. How is that affecting our views and our own relationships?

• 39:12Speaker 07

  Yeah, I haven't actually seen those shows, but many of my therapy clients talk about them.

• 39:16Jay Shetty?

  You know, finding love is just such an important pillar of human happiness and connection that it breaks my heart. When when I see that we're tripping ourselves up.

• 39:26Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 39:27Jay Shetty?

  And when I asked my community, what was one of the things that they think trips them up? It was this idea that they have now coined future tripping, this idea of planning the future in their head, visioning a future with this person. When things are looking OK or good in their head, they're, you know, in the most extreme cases, imagining their wedding day or what their kids might look like. But even in the immediate sense, like, this could be it. This is amazing. This is going to last. And then all of a sudden, they get a reality check where that person is not really mirroring that back.

• 39:59Speaker 07

  Mm hmm.

• 39:59Jay Shetty?

  How do we stop ourselves from future tripping? Or is there a healthy way of future tripping with the person? Is there a collective collaborative future tripping? Like, what does that look like?

• 40:10Speaker 07

  I think the future tripping is being in the present. And what I mean is what's happening now is what is going to look like in the future. So instead of imagining, oh, this person will change in this way, or this this we're going to have this kind of life. But you don't know if the other person wants that kind of life. If you're not talking about it now, in the present, you don't know. How does this person treat me now? What is it like when we're together? The biggest indicator would be, we had a disagreement. How did we get through it? That's what your future is going to look like. We didn't agree on this. We were frustrated with each other. We had a difference of opinion. How did we repair that rupture? We talk a lot about rupture and repair. Everybody's gonna have ruptures. You have it with your family members, with your friends,

• 40:54Speaker 07

  with your coworkers, with your parents, with your children, especially with your romantic partners, because we have this misguided notion that we shouldn't have a rupture with them because we're so in love and we see each other and we see eye to eye. But of course, you're gonna have ruptures. It's not so much whether you're gonna have a rupture, it's what do you do with it? And what does it look like? So if you have been dating for, let's say, six months and you haven't had a rupture, you guys are not going deep enough. You guys don't know each other well enough. You're still on your best behavior. You have to be able to be yourselves. That's gonna tell you what the future looks like. So stop the pretending. Be yourself. Be what you want your future to look like. Act like you want your future to look like. See how the other person acts and see what happens between the two of you.

• 41:38Speaker 07

  And a repair would look like something like, oh, I didn't, you know, we're having a disagreement right now. Why don't we take 15 minutes? And let's come back when we're not so heated? And let's talk about that. Or you know you made a mistake. You know what? I've been thinking about this. You know, say you have an argument. You say, we're not gonna talk for a few minutes. Let's go cool off, whatever. You call them back and you say, you know what? I thought about it. I was wrong. And I'm so sorry. Here's what I did and I wish I had done it this way. And that's great if your partner can do that or if you can do that, right? And then if your partner then can accept that without shaming you. If your partner can say, I really appreciate that

• 42:22Speaker 07

  and I wish that I had reacted differently in this way. And how can I be more supportive in those moments? That's beautiful. That's your future. But you have to see it in the present. You can't imagine what the future's gonna be. You have to actually live it in the present and say, oh, now I know. It's gonna be just like it is right now.

• 42:42Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. And, and like you're saying, like, if you are making plans in your head, but you're uncomfortable to talk about those plans, then they only exist in your head.

• 42:50Speaker 07

  Yeah.

• 42:50Jay Shetty?

  Like, they aren't real. They aren't, they aren't going there. The takeaway. Your needs in dating are valid. Your truth is enough. And your growth will either deepen the connection or free you for something better. Dating isn't just about swiping or waiting for luck. It's about presence, clarity, and self-worth. Here's what we heard today that I want you to remember. You can't attract the right person until you get to know yourself. You can't receive what you want until you learn to ask for it. You will attract what you're willing to entertain. And real chemistry comes from honesty, openness and courage. Whether you're just putting yourself back out there or actively dating, remember, love isn't found, it's created and you're worthy of creating it.

• 43:34Jay Shetty?

  If you love this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships.

• 43:44Speaker 08

  People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self. Because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.

• 43:58Speaker 09

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• 44:27Speaker 10

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• 44:44Speaker 11

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• 44:51Speaker 11

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• 45:08Speaker 10

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