Jay & Radhi Talk About the Pressure and Expectations Around Parenthood

In this first episode of On Purpose with Radhi, Jay opens up a conversation many of us have faced but rarely unpack, being asked, “When are you having kids?” What seems like a casual question often carries a weight that touches on biology, cultural expectations, financial realities, and deeply personal struggles. Together, Jay and Radhi peel back the layers of why this question can feel so triggering, especially for women, and why the assumptions behind it often miss the heart of the matter. They explore how family pressure, societal timelines, and even social media comparisons can make people feel like they’re “behind,” while statistics actually show that having children later in life has become the norm. From the challenges of IVF and miscarriages to the fear of balancing career and motherhood, Jay and Radhi shed light on the unspoken realities couples quietly carry. They remind us that true preparation for parenthood isn’t about perfect timing, it’s about awareness, acceptance, and readiness for change. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Handle Pressure About Having Kids How to Prepare for the Real Changes of Parenthood How to Know if You’re Ready for Children How to Separate Society’s Timeline From Your Own How to Support Friends Struggling With Fertility The milestones that matter most are the ones that feel true to you, not the ones dictated by outside voices. Fulfillment is not found in comparison but in living with intention, compassion, and alignment to your own values. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:45 When Are You Going to Have Kids? 03:53 So, Do You Want to Have Kids? 07:57 Are You Prepared to Raise Kids? 12:31 A Different Mindset on Being a Parent 16:23 Delaying Parenthood Because of Financial Constraints 21:16 Parenthood Equates to Success 23:20 Can a Child Fix a Broken Relationship? 29:02 Are You Willing to Sacrifice Your Career to Become a Parent? 32:32 Live the Life You Want For Yourself Episode Resources: Radhi Devlukia | Website Radhi Devlukia | YouTube Radhi Devlukia | Instagram Radhi Devlukia | Facebook Radhi Devlukia | TikTok Joyfull A Really Good Cry See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

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• 0:40Speaker 01

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• 1:10Jay Shetty?

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• 1:51Speaker 02

  I do not want kids. Being a mom is amazing. It's the best thing.

• 1:56Speaker 03

  I'm 33 and I have no kids. Being a mom is literally the best thing ever. Do not have kids.

• 2:02Speaker 04

  I would argue it's one of the most important decisions.

• 2:05Speaker 03

  You want to have kids? No.

• 2:09Jay Shetty?

  When are you going to have kids?

• 2:10Speaker 05

  There's no benefit to asking that question. Saying that to someone who is really struggling, it can end up triggering something so deeply.

• 2:17Jay Shetty?

  Do I know how my life is going to change? And am I ready to embrace that change?

• 2:21Speaker 05

  The older that you get as a woman, the more difficult it is to conceive.

• 2:25Jay Shetty?

  The pressure of having a child financially is actually one of the biggest factors in why people are scared of having children.

• 2:34Jay Shetty?

  This is something I hear a lot when we're back in London.

• 2:37Speaker 05

  Yeah, for sure.

• 2:37Jay Shetty?

  Is, when are you going to have kids?

• 2:40Speaker 05

  Yep, it's a big question, especially after you hit 30s. It's something, especially the aunties out there. They just really like knowing for some reason. They want to know what's happening. And I think a lot of people struggle with it. My friends really do, especially my friends who are not even in a relationship at the age of 35 or, you know, in their late 30s and they haven't got into a relationship. And then they're really scared about the idea of when am I going to have children? And then the pressure of people asking on top of that, I think more so for women than men. It's just really, it can be really difficult for so many people to hear that regularly and not know when it's going to happen for them.

• 3:21Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, talk to me about that pressure because I think you're right. Women get it more than men.

• 3:24Speaker 05

  Definitely.

• 3:25Jay Shetty?

  And they hear it a lot more often from a lot more people. So talk to me a bit about that pressure because I may not even understand it fully. Because that's not really something that men get hit with that often.

• 3:36Speaker 05

  Yeah, I think, you know, biologically, look, it is true, the older that you get as a woman, the more difficult it is to conceive. And so I think biologically, women have this internal clock that is ticking. And whether you're unsure about having children or whether you really want them, you feel it internally that your body is aging and what that means, because you've been told that from such a young age, that as a woman, when you have to have children, the ideal age to have children is in your 20s. As soon as you hit your 30s, it's going to get harder. And so I think you feel it in your body and you notice changes that are happening, which lead you to believe that it's kind of getting to the end of the time period where it's going to be easy for you to conceive.

• 4:16Speaker 05

  And then I think for a lot of women who aren't even in relationships yet, it's like, God, I have to find my partner and I have to get pregnant within the next two years or whatever it is. Yeah, I think it's a mixture of media and a mixture of people around you and the reality of the situation being unfortunately that we do have a body clock.

• 4:35Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and I did some research before the episode and it said that women born in two thousand and seven are projected to have their first child by age thirty five versus thirty one for their mothers.

• 4:47Speaker 05

  Yes, so true.

• 4:49Jay Shetty?

  And girls born in twenty twenty five may not reach that milestone until age thirty six. And so it's going up gradually. And so anyone who's feeling alone or anyone who is thinking, oh, gosh, like, maybe it's just me. The truth is, it's not just you. It is the trend. And I think often we don't look at statistics as a way of understanding we're not alone. Because the trends show what everyone around you is doing, even if you feel everyone around you is having kids, right? I think a lot of people look around, they go, well, everyone on Instagram has kids and all my friends have kids. And everyone does. It's just me. I'm the one who's been left behind. Either I don't have kids or I haven't found my person yet. And the reality is, the stats show, no, you're not alone at all.

• 5:31Jay Shetty?

  Pretty much everyone around you is getting older, is having kids older. And that's much more normal. And I think when you understand that, it kind of frees you up from some of that pressure. But what's what's the different kind of pressure that people get from like family, society, friends, like, like, have you noticed any patterns or differences in what you hear? And I think there's two things that I find really interesting. The first is no one ever asked the question, do you want kids?

• 5:56Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 5:56Jay Shetty?

  Or you will maybe from a friend or someone you're very close to. But generally, people will skip that question. It's really strange because when you ask the question, when are you having kids? It's an assumption that people want kids, that people can conceive and have kids.

• 6:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's the hardest.

• 6:12Jay Shetty?

  Which today, we'll talk about that. That's a whole nother area. It's quite an insensitive and unthoughtful question. I it comes with good intent. People are not, people are excited, people are whatever. But if you look at it in reality, it doesn't make sense as a question. It's like saying to someone like, uh, when are you gonna start a business? And the person's like, I'm happy in my job. Like, I don't wanna start a business. Or like, when are you gonna leave your job and find a better job? And it's like, I don't know if I need to leave my job. Like, why, why are you assuming that? But we assume everyone wants kids, can have kids, and is excited about that.

• 6:48Speaker 05

  I think the biggest part of it is the insensitivity about it. And I know people don't mean it in that way, but I think nowadays we're all aware that more people than not are having miscarriages or not being able to conceive. I think it's like one in five women have miscarriages. And so we all have girlfriends, at least like five women in our life, that one of them will probably have had a miscarriage. And I think now we are aware of that when people DM me or comment on stuff, or even the craziest thing is, I will sometimes have videos where a little bit of my belly's popping out a bit, or like maybe I've just eaten and I'm a bit bloated. And people are like, oh my gosh, are you pregnant? And I'm like, first of all, okay, I actually don't mind if people think I'm pregnant based on how I look. But I always think if someone's saying that to someone who is really struggling

• 7:31Speaker 05

  to conceive, to have a baby, not sure what they're doing, it can end up triggering something so deeply. So it's kind of like, what is the benefit of me asking when you're having children? And what's the benefit of me writing it on a public forum, questioning whether that person is pregnant or not? Cause if they are pregnant and they haven't told you, they probably don't want to tell you. And that's the reality of it. People go through different phases in their life where they really want children and then they're not sure. And then they're trying to figure themselves out and feel like it's not the right time. And there's so many parts of life where you can feel a different way about something. But I always struggle with the idea of, oh, you know, are we doing it in the wrong way or are we doing it in the right way? Like, yes, I think, you know, health aspect of it, we are. It is better to have children when you're younger, according to your health.

• 8:14Speaker 05

  But then when I think about it with mindset, if I had had children when I was in my twenties, I'm not sure I would have been a version of myself that has space to have a child, look after it in the right way, create the life that I would have wanted to for that child. But I would have, I would have done that because of pressure of people telling me that the twenties is when you should do it. And then I speak to women who are in their late thirties, having children. They say, I'm so glad, I'm so grateful that I had children at a later age. I now can spend so much time with them. I figured my life out. I've spent time with my partner. I feel like I'm in a stable place financially. All of these things are in place for me to really bring up this child how I want it to.

• 8:56Speaker 05

  And so I think there's so many, obviously not, there is no right, right answer. But I do think it's difficult going through. I'm sure anyone listening, I don't know whether you've been through this, but in my twenties, I thought, growing up, I would have both my children, or the two children that I thought I wanted, in my twenties. No, like I was gonna be a young mom in my twenties that was pregnant, looking cute, you know, just getting like fit after my pregnancy, you know, I had a vision of what that looked like. And then my life changed dramatically, our life changed dramatically. And I felt like I went through a whole journey of really trying to having to figure out so much more about myself, to feel even comfortable about inviting another soul into my life that I then would be responsible for. And I would, would want to give them the best of myself.

• 9:40Speaker 05

  And so I think it's, it's really hard for women, honestly. I think it really is.

• 9:46Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, you, you brought up two really good things. I think one part is the idea that when you ask the question, when are you having kids? If that person's just had a miscarriage, it's really, really tough to face that question. And they try and smile and hold a, hold a, you know, positive demeanor in that environment, and then they feel pain afterwards. Or let's say they're going through IVF treatment, which so many of our friends are as well, and so many people we know, and it's not going that well right now. Again, it's become an emotional reaction for that person. And then there's the person who's like, well, I don't want to have kids at all. Now it may start a debate that they don't really want to have because they don't need to convince you or anyone else.

• 10:31Jay Shetty?

  And so those first two, though, I've seen that be so hard. I've had so many friends in the last twenty four to thirty six months who've gone through. One, two, three, five rounds of IVF, had multiple miscarriages. And whenever that question or conversation comes up at family dinner or anywhere, it's so emotionally difficult for that individual. And just, just to be really clear, me and Radhi have not gone through either of those things. And just to be, you know, totally transparent and honest, we haven't. But for anyone who is going through that, I've had so many of my friends come up to me and just say like, dude, I just, I'm struggling. This is men too, like coming up to me and just being like, my wife's just been through this, I'm just trying to be there for her.

• 11:16Jay Shetty?

  But then all her friends keep saying like, when are you having kids and what's going on? And then she's coming to me and it's, it's a real thing. And so I'm really glad that you raised that point because I think it's often forgotten or missed. And the other thing I was gonna say is, I think one of the biggest challenges with humans is that we try to time things perfectly. Now, the biological clock is real, totally understand, let's, let's start with that foundation. But the idea of when are you having kids is the wrong question. I think the right questions are actually, do I know how my life will change? When I have a child? And am I ready to embrace that change?

• 11:58Speaker 05

  Right, right, right.

• 11:59Jay Shetty?

  Now, the truth is, you won't know fully how your life is gonna change. So I know parents will say, Jay, you never know, your life will change in the most incredible ways and crazy ways. I agree with that too, I don't know, I don't have kids. But what I can observe is, am I prepared for the basics of that change? Do I know, it's like changing anything in life. Am I aware of how my sleep patterns may change? How my social life may change? How my relationship with my partner may change? I was looking into the statistics about this because I was talking to a client of mine. And they were telling me that after they had their first born, him and his wife went through the toughest part of their marriage.

• 12:38Speaker 05

  Oh, wow.

• 12:39Jay Shetty?

  And when I looked into the statistics, it showed. That most men feel after their partner gives birth that they feel unloved, they feel like a second priority.

• 12:52Speaker 05

  They are.

• 12:53Jay Shetty?

  And they feel unthought about.

• 12:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 12:55Jay Shetty?

  And that's also why the trend showed that more men are likely to cheat at that time.

• 12:59Speaker 05

  No way.

• 13:00Jay Shetty?

  When either when their wife are pregnant or when their wife gives birth. Because, again, I'm not condoning this, I'm just talking about the statistics.

• 13:06Speaker 05

  Right.

• 13:06Jay Shetty?

  Because that's when they feel neglected. So the truth is, if you're prepared for that, you'll be less surprised in court of God.

• 13:14Speaker 05

  Right.

• 13:15Jay Shetty?

  Right? When I think about us having kids, I'm like, got it. Ravi, I'm gonna go lower on the list.

• 13:21Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:21Jay Shetty?

  And that's a reality, not just for me, but for every man in my position who has that situation. And if I'm mentally prepared for it, I'm actually better ready to deal with it, rather than I'm like, looking at you going, well, why, what's going on? Like, why am I not your priority anymore? You don't love me anymore. When in reality, of course, your energy is gonna go towards this helpless little baby. Who, who actually needs it. And all I'm saying is like, treat me like the baby, I'm tired, I'm, I'm not the baby anymore.

• 13:47Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 13:47Jay Shetty?

  And so I think there's a lot to be said for not asking the question of when's the right time? Because I don't think you'll ever know when it's the right time. But it's, do I know how my life is gonna change? And am I ready to embrace that change?

• 14:00Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 14:01Jay Shetty?

  So my life is gonna change, but I'm not gonna be a top priority. Am I ready for that? My life's gonna change by, I will have sleepless nights. Am I ready for that? My life's gonna change with, I may not be able to have the freedom on the weekends that I have right now. Am I ready for that? And those are better questions to prepare me. Because the question of when should we have kids doesn't really prepare me.

• 14:19Speaker 05

  Mm hmm. Yeah, no, I agree. I do think that um, the process is never going to be the same and never going to be understood as fully by a man as it is obviously for a woman. Because a woman has to literally carry that child inside of her for those nine months. And so I think there's always gonna be slight disconnects between. How men perceive the situation and how women do. But I remember I was thinking about how, um, you know, I remember at the beginning when we first met, you really didn't want to have children. Or like you were, you weren't sure whether you did and it was so.

• 14:53Jay Shetty?

  That was right at the beginning.

• 14:53Speaker 05

  That was right at the beginning, yeah.

• 14:55Jay Shetty?

  I'd just come out the monastery and that.

• 14:56Speaker 05

  Exactly, and your mindset was like that. And I read this quote actually that I thought, for anybody thinking of not having children, I thought it was really well put. It said, motherhood is not, motherhood is not the only way to mother. You can mother a movement, a garden, a dream or a community. And I remember when we first met back, way back when, you had said you wanted to help so many more people and you weren't sure whether you wanted to put all your emphasis onto one person or into one child. And so many people recently that I have met, or actually not so many, quite a few people that I met recently have said that they don't want to have children because they feel they are saving the child from all the pain that's happening in the world. They don't think this environment is an environment to bring children into the world.

• 15:38Speaker 05

  I know there's a big following of that philosophy from friends that we know and even in specific communities. And I was wondering whether you'd heard that or what your thoughts were on it.

• 15:47Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I think, I think for me it was very much a feeling of, I feel I get to express a lot of paternal energy.

• 15:55Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 15:56Jay Shetty?

  And I know it's not the same, so I'm not trying to say it's the same, but I experience a lot of paternal energy in my work. I feel like I'm a parent to lots of people. And so that part of my life is quite full.

• 16:08Speaker 05

  I mean, if you think about Radhanath Swami, who's a spiritual teacher and all the spiritual teachers that are out there who are not in relationships and don't have children, all they do is father people or mother people and are there for them through every type of problem and supporting them, caring for them. So I can totally understand how people could feel like that.

• 16:27Jay Shetty?

  That was how I used to feel, for sure. And, and I think there's a lot of people now who are fearful of raising a child in a world with social media.

• 16:37Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:37Jay Shetty?

  The mental health challenges that come with it. The security and safety issues that we're seeing in the world.

• 16:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 16:44Jay Shetty?

  School systems that are failing children. The worry with, I mean, that's just like war, like there's, there's just so much.

• 16:53Speaker 05

  Mm hmm.

• 16:54Jay Shetty?

  That I think people are becoming aware of. Again, it's not lots of people. It's, it's some people that I know that are having these conversations. And, and I think all of those are valid for that person. Now, at the same time, I know people. Who are raising amazing kids.

• 17:07Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 17:07Jay Shetty?

  That are gonna go on to become future leaders of the world. In their areas and I know amazing people raising beautiful children that I think will have a beautiful impact. On their communities and the people around them. And I know people having kids early who are really happy. Like, we just had. Nora Smith on the podcast and Nora's in her twenties and she has like four kids. And she loves it, like she's really happy.

• 17:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 17:30Jay Shetty?

  And it comes with her and her husband making certain choices and whatever it may be, but she's happy about it. And, and I can see that when I'm with her and she's a successful woman. She's, she's very ambitious. She's driven. But they have a happy family setup and so.

• 17:46Speaker 05

  It's funny because now people see that as, oh my gosh, she had kids so early.

• 17:49Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 17:50Speaker 05

  But she hasn't had kids early. She, not, I don't know what's early and late, but technically. Back in the day, like even twenty, thirty years ago, that would have been seen as a very normal age to have children. And now on social media, when you see it, these people think, wow, she's had four kids in her twenties. That is. So like she's had them so young, so early. So it's so funny how things just change, isn't it?

• 18:12Jay Shetty?

  That's a great, that's such a good point of like, what is normal changes every twenty five years. And so this idea of, well, everyone's doing it is a messy metric. Because what everyone's doing today will be different from what everyone's doing twenty five years from now. And different to what everyone did twenty five years ago. And so trying to do what everyone's doing. It does make life easier. There's a reason why we wanna do things at the same time as people. Because you can share in that experience and I think that's important and we need that. But if you're not ready for something, and this, this was a really interesting statistic. It said thirty six percent of adults under fifty, without kids, say they're delaying parenthood because they don't think they can afford it.

• 18:54Speaker 05

  Oh, wow.

• 18:54Jay Shetty?

  And that, you know, has become such a challenge. Sixty six percent of parents feel consumed by money worries versus thirty nine percent of non-parents. So.

• 19:07Speaker 05

  That's true. Kids are expensive.

• 19:09Jay Shetty?

  The pressure of having a child financially is actually one of the biggest factors in why people are scared of having children. I actually read that for someone to raise their child from age zero to eighteen is going to cost anywhere between two hundred and thirty three thousand to three hundred and ten thousand dollars.

• 19:28Speaker 05

  No.

• 19:29Jay Shetty?

  And by the way, that doesn't include college.

• 19:31Speaker 05

  Wow.

• 19:31Jay Shetty?

  Because eighteen's before college. So if you add tuition fees, if your child's gonna go to college, you're adding potentially another thirty, fifty, hundred, two hundred thousand dollars, depending on where they go. And so that's an incredible amount of money. It's a lot of money. And so that has become a real factor. And I've heard that from a lot of people saying, we really wanna have another kid, but we just don't know if we can afford it.

• 19:55Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 19:56Jay Shetty?

  And then again, if that person gets asked, when are you having kids? It triggers financial insecurity. It triggers economic uncertainty. It triggers a feeling of not being worthy enough, not being good enough. Like, I don't think we realize how that question, like you said, it affects your belief about your appearance. Imagine someone's trying to lose weight, gain muscle, strengthen, and someone says, you look like you're pregnant. Like, that, that affects them on that perspective. If someone's struggling to pay their bills and having a child, you ask them, when are you gonna have kids? They're now worried about.

• 20:29Speaker 05

  Especially if they really want children and they're trying to figure it out financially and they really want them, but they're finding it difficult to even think of how that would be possible.

• 20:36Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. And I think we do often, I do sometimes think we're, we're living in an overly sensitive world. But I think this, and I'm one of those people who say sometimes we're being overly sensitive about everything these days, like everything's a thing. But this is one of those ones that I think it's so interconnected to your personal belief about yourself, your self-worth and your finances, your emotional wellbeing because of miscarriages, IVF and everything else that's going on. It is one of those things that I think we should be sensitive about with others.

• 21:07Speaker 05

  Definitely.

• 21:08Jay Shetty?

  Because it can really make you distant in that relationship.

• 21:12Speaker 05

  I also think sometimes people ask because they don't know what else to ask about people's life and they think it's a natural thing to speak about.

• 21:18Jay Shetty?

  It is, yeah, yeah.

• 21:19Speaker 05

  I think it's more a cultural thing as well because I actually think that a lot of people ask because they don't know what else to ask in a situation. They meet someone, they've talked about the weather, they've talked about, okay, so now when are you guys having kids? And I think, I think it's weirdly a very natural cultural thing to do in certain settings and it can come from a place of worry, it can come from a place of, you know, interest or excitement. But at the same time, I'm like, if you're not the person that's gonna be looking after my child in some capacity and it's not gonna affect your life, you do not need to know. Like there is zero, unless you're my mum, who's gonna have to look after me, unless

• 21:59Speaker 05

  you are somewhat in relation or going to be there physically helping me during that time, there is absolutely no need for you to know when I'm going to be having that child. And if I want you to know, I will definitely send you a message or a voice note. But if I don't, and I don't openly tell you, and this is probably how many people feel, no need, no need. There's no benefit to asking that question.

• 22:24Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 22:25Speaker 05

  There is, actually, I will, I'll say that again, there is no benefit of asking that question because if they know, they would have already told you. And if they don't know, you're making them anxious in some way. So actually, zero benefit in asking, when are you having children? That's my conclusion of this whole situation.

• 22:38Jay Shetty?

  I love it, I love it. Yeah, and men, someone get to deflect or tell the truth, which is, I always say, it's for her body, it's when she wants, like, you know.

• 22:46Speaker 05

  Yeah, men also can, you know, get someone, men can, men have like unlimited fertility. There are like sixty-year-old men or seventy-year-old men that are getting women pregnant. So I think there's less of a, you're never gonna feel bad about it unless your wife is going through something. It's never gonna be a trigger, triggering question really to a man.

• 23:11Jay Shetty?

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• 24:41Jay Shetty?

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• 25:24Jay Shetty?

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• 25:55Jay Shetty?

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• 26:38Jay Shetty?

  That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed Sponsored Jobs.

• 26:55Jay Shetty?

  There's something that's really interesting here, which is this idea of parenthood still equates to success in purpose. And I think as society, it's seen that way. Like, if you're a parent, you're doing the right thing, you're normal, you're doing something good. And I actually found some quotes from Tracey Ellis Ross on rejecting societal scripts. This was in The New York Times. And she said, "It undermined my sense of worth and joy until I realized it was somebody else's idea. I do not believe that my life is unworthy because I don't have children. I do not believe that my life is unworthy because I don't have a partner. I mother all over the place," you were saying this. "I do very valued things in the world for people I love."

• 27:39Jay Shetty?

  That's a really interesting, like, you know, going back to that point that you made of people feel alone if they don't do that.

• 27:47Speaker 05

  I do think, though, when you, when you think about all spiritual paths, religious paths, when you think about evolution and how they talk about the human body, there is such a strong, there is no question of in any of those things, whether men and women were made to procreate. Think about Adam and Eve, think about any of the scriptures, any of the religions that you've seen, everything does lead to you are here to procreate. Even as our, if, if you're thinking about take God out of this, how the human body has been created, it does show towards that is why we are here.

• 28:26Jay Shetty?

  That's survival, I mean, that's survival.

• 28:27Speaker 05

  That is survival. And so it's interesting. I don't have the answer for it, but when I do think about it in that way, it's kind of, it's interesting to think about, okay, so how come we have gone towards this path of saying we shouldn't be doing something that our bodies made for, that if you believe in a certain religion or a specific path, they are saying that is what our essence is, is to create a beautiful child in this world to help other people, whatever that notion is. But that there's such a strong wave going against it, which is, it's just interesting because I struggle with that, that idea of both.

• 28:59Jay Shetty?

  I think everyone today is looking at their inner child and then thinking about having a child. Right? Like, you're, you're almost so aware of how much therapy, healing and work you need. That you feel inadequate and unqualified.

• 29:14Speaker 05

  You feel like a child having a child.

• 29:16Jay Shetty?

  Correct. Like, you literally feel like, I haven't even figured out what's going on here. How am I meant to figure out what's going on there?

• 29:22Speaker 05

  I'm sure there's a lot of unworthiness that plays into it. Like, when you, if you don't feel good in yourself, you think, how am I gonna do that to a child? And then at this, on the flip side, we've spoken about this before, that there are so many couples who think having a child will help their relationship.

• 29:37Jay Shetty?

  Oh, my gosh, we have to talk about this.

• 29:39Speaker 05

  Yeah, and that's really interesting, because I think there's one side where people don't feel prepared enough. And I think I've gone on that side a lot, where I'm like, God, I need to be way better before I have a child. And then there's this other side and thinking whether you whether you're gonna mess the child. Like, there's so many things that have gone through my mind that have stopped me. And then there's this other group of people who really strongly believe that having a child will fix them.

• 30:03Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 30:03Speaker 05

  Or the pain that they've been through as a child, or, you know, my friends, I've got a lot of friends who were raised by single mums. And it was really interesting, their mindset was really similar, and not saying this for everyone, but my friends who had this, where they fundamentally believed them having a child breaks the cycle so that they could give the love that they didn't receive. Like, having this family set up will make up for what they lacked.

• 30:26Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 30:26Speaker 05

  And then the couples who are really struggling and decide that having children will actually be the bridge between them.

• 30:33Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 30:33Speaker 05

  Will help, will help bridge the gap between them that has been created.

• 30:37Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that was the advice that so many of my friends got.

• 30:39Speaker 05

  Really?

• 30:40Jay Shetty?

  When they were struggling in their relationships, which was like, have a kid, it will solve it. And it actually did the opposite. Those people ended up becoming, getting divorced or after, after having the kid too.

• 30:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 30:51Jay Shetty?

  And so now you have a kid, which makes it harder, or their relationship got worse because now you had more responsibilities. And I think that's what doesn't make sense, like, and the man felt even less of a priority. So how was it ever gonna get better? So on all of those levels, it actually made it harder. Now, a kid can be great, it's not like it can't, but that can't be your hail Mary, like, that can't be the thing, like, let's create life in order to save this.

• 31:16Speaker 05

  It definitely ties them together.

• 31:17Jay Shetty?

  It's a lot of pressure to that person, uh, to that kid.

• 31:19Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's a pressure on the kid, and I think there's a difference between creating connection and creating a tie with someone.

• 31:25Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 31:26Speaker 05

  I think the child can create a tie, there's so many things that can create ties to people, okay, we've got a house together. That's a tie together.

• 31:32Jay Shetty?

  We share a bank balance.

• 31:33Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's a tie together. A child, yes, of course, there's an emotional connection. But the emotional connection is actually to the child, it's not necessarily to the partner. That creates just another tie to keep you strong together. But I don't know whether that action, if not done consciously, and as a partnership, trying to connect each other and be better with each other in order to create this child, whether that creates a connection or just a tie.

• 31:58Jay Shetty?

  I love that point, that's such a great point. And I was thinking about it as you were saying that, yeah, for those people who were told, like, have a kid to. Save your relationship. What ended up happening was they lost the relationship and now the kid was stuck in the middle of a bad relationship. You you know, it it only creates more trauma and pain for everyone.

• 32:18Speaker 05

  Yeah, in the world.

• 32:19Jay Shetty?

  And so that shouldn't be the kind of last resort or the the hope.

• 32:24Speaker 05

  No.

• 32:24Jay Shetty?

  And you know, then you've got this innocent child that's dealing with the fallout and the stress and the panic that comes from it. And it makes harder for both parents to move on, whether it's in future relationships or whatever it may be that because now they have that.

• 32:38Speaker 05

  Still got that tie, yeah.

• 32:39Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, still got that tie. And and it's and it's really, really hard because the challenge is when you marry someone. You don't really know how much they're gonna change and grow and you have no clue like it is such. It is such a, I don't wanna say the word gamble, but it is to some degree.

• 32:57Speaker 05

  It is a gamble.

• 32:57Jay Shetty?

  Because you meet someone at a certain stage in your life. You create life with them and then ten years on, you've realised that they had trauma, a mental health challenge. They have something that happens to them and everything changes.

• 33:10Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 33:10Jay Shetty?

  And so you can't plan this perfectly either. You can't say like, oh, yeah, we'll have a kid when things are perfect. It doesn't work like that either. So there's no right advice or wrong advice and I'm not trying to give any advice here. I'm just trying to say that there's there's a reality to this where we're all just living life.

• 33:26Speaker 05

  I know.

• 33:27Jay Shetty?

  And you're adapting as it goes along and you're not gonna get everything right in perfect order. And it's better to be able to react and adapt and be flexible. Than it is to think I'm gonna get everything perfect and avoid all the stuff.

• 33:44Speaker 05

  Definitely.

• 33:45Jay Shetty?

  So even when we're like, I'm not worthy enough to have a child, the truth is you'll never feel worthy.

• 33:48Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 33:49Jay Shetty?

  You are gonna make mistakes. It's probably true that your child's gonna, you know, end up with a few things that you said.

• 33:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, you might mess them up a little bit.

• 33:56Jay Shetty?

  A little bit. It will happen. It's probably better to assume and then try your best.

• 34:01Speaker 05

  Right, right.

• 34:02Jay Shetty?

  Than it is to think I'm gonna avoid anything. And then it's like you end up putting bubble wrap around your kid, but then that bubble wrap suffocates them.

• 34:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 34:12Jay Shetty?

  Right? And it's like, so so it doesn't make any sense. Are you trying to protect it? But the same thing that you think's gonna protect it is what hurts the kid.

• 34:19Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 34:20Jay Shetty?

  And and it hurts you rather than going, you know, I'm gonna make some mistakes. I'm gonna try my best. Yeah, maybe they are gonna hear me shout and yell a couple of times. Maybe they are gonna see me stressed and tired because that's life. You know, if and and again, we don't wanna end up in a position where we're being neglectful. But I think there has to be some grace and reality to what it means.

• 34:40Speaker 05

  Definitely.

• 34:42Jay Shetty?

  I think one of the really interesting areas is that women in the workplace or entrepreneurs, they're building a career for themselves. We talked about how the financial struggle is making it harder for couples to think about kids. But for women especially, they have to go on maternity leave. They'll take some time out. Not all organizations and companies have great maternity leave. So you may not even get that long. You may take unpaid leave, which again financially impacts you. If you're an entrepreneur, your business can stall, stop, or at least slow down. And then you go back to the workplace and you feel like you've gone behind, right? Whether you've taken nine months out, whether you've taken six months out, whether you've taken four months out, you're catching up. And it can be really, really hard.

• 35:25Jay Shetty?

  What what have your thoughts been on that, on the idea of like having a slowdown career? Because you, you know, you last year you launched your book, you have your own podcast. You've got so many exciting things going on. When you think about kids and how to balance it with that, how do you look at that?

• 35:39Speaker 05

  Yeah, I really struggle with the idea because I know I made a decision and well, at least I think this is the decision I want to make is that if I if we have children, I would want to be able to look after the child fully. And I'd have love to have help from other people to help look after myself. But I know that I would want to look after the child. And so that comes with a lot of, you know, there's so much you have to think about. That would mean I would have to have full focus on this child. I would have to stop doing a lot of the things that I am doing because realistically, I, yes, you can do a lot of different things, but can you do them as well? Probably not. If I'm trying to put full focus into raising a child, probably can't keep up with all the work that I'm doing. And so I think,

• 36:24Speaker 05

  you know, sacrifice comes with such a negative connotation to it. But I actually think it's can be such a beautiful thing where different times in your life, you see yourself prioritizing different things. And so if I think that's how I'm trying to see it instead, where the priority lies here, that means that I may not be able to do as much, but I can still probably pre-plan. You've got nine months to plan and figure out how am I going to financially figure this out. Figure out with my work, figure out with my physical body, how am I going to look after myself, whatever those other priorities are. I do think you have to decide because, you know, I think there's this big notion that, yeah, women can do all, of course, we can do it, but should you be at that time? Where your body's trying to heal, where you've got a new little thing that's coming to your

• 37:09Speaker 05

  life that you're trying to nurture and look after. And so, yes, I'm sure women can do it all, but I don't know whether we should be doing it all. And I think being okay with that, and it's everything you said, is preparation, preparing my mind that maybe I won't be able to do this, this and this while for the first year of this baby's life. And that's okay, because what I am doing is nurturing, creating and pouring all my energy into creating a beautiful child. And so I think it's the prioritization and the preparation in your mind of being okay with what could happen, so it's not a shock, and then you don't end up feeling really depressed afterwards, that I thought my life was going to be all these things, I was going

• 37:50Speaker 05

  to work out at seven AM, I was going to feed the child at 12, I was going to do all my work from 12 to six, I was going to put the baby to bed at this time, I was like, I'm not sure that's how it can be. And so preparation and being realistic with that preparation, I think is really important. But then again, I've never been through it, I've just seen it. So I can say all this and I'll be a hot mess after, who knows? Who knows?

• 38:11Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and I wanted to share some real world voices, this was by a business insider, and a lady named Viviana had her first child at 36. She said, I don't regret waiting, I think it was the right thing to do. Molly had her first child at 38. She said, it felt irresponsible to even start thinking about a baby when I was worried about paying rent and college debt.

• 38:34Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 38:35Jay Shetty?

  And I just want to remind people that when you're navigating this pressure, whichever stage you're at, whether you want to have kids, whether you don't want to have kids, whether you're at any point on the spectrum that me and Radhi have talked about today, you can have the conversation, we've talked about it, and this is the timeline that works for us right now, that's a great. Mantra to kind of repeat to yourself almost like me and my partner have talked about it. This timeline works for us and we're building a life that's right for us, even if it doesn't look like everyone else's. I think the takeaway from this conversation for me is we don't wanna live a life ticking society's boxes or expectations because we end up letting ourselves down, we end up letting society down, and we'll end up letting our child

• 39:17Jay Shetty?

  down. We've got to go at our own timeline and ultimately, whether you choose to have children or not, life can be fulfilling, complete and beautiful because it's all about having that energy. If you have a space to share your maternal and paternal energy, it can be a beautiful thing. I know so many friends that have adopted and are very happy.

• 39:38Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 39:39Jay Shetty?

  I know so many friends that don't have children who are monks, who have just given their life to thousands of people that are happy. And I know families that have two, three, four, five children that are really happy at different ages. And so happiness doesn't have a timeline or an age or a specific setup. Even if you look at the projection of the nuclear family in history, whether it was cereal boxes or adverts, it was always parents and then a boy and a girl.

• 40:05Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 40:05Jay Shetty?

  And like that was seen as like the nuclear ideal family. It's in every advert. And that's just not the image that we need to project. We need to realise that happiness and fulfillment looks very different for different people.

• 40:18Speaker 05

  So true.

• 40:20Jay Shetty?

  Great. Thanks for that. I learned so much. I'm so glad you brought up so many things that I hadn't even thought about. That's why I love these conversations because you went in so many directions. I was like, oh my God, I forgot about that. Or we haven't talked about that before. And I learned so much. And it's helpful for me to get a good understanding from your perspective and what your friends who have had babies think. Because as a man, sometimes I can be distant from that. So.

• 40:42Speaker 05

  When I realised this was the first topic that you thought of, I was like, damn, we're really getting into it.

• 40:48Jay Shetty?

  We are.

• 40:48Speaker 05

  First episode out and it's.

• 40:51Jay Shetty?

  Why didn't you just tell them to subscribe for more so that they can hear more of these conversations?

• 40:57Speaker 05

  Jay just asked me to tell you all to subscribe for more. So you can hear more of these conversations and press like and share and stuff.

• 41:08Jay Shetty?

  Hey everyone. If you loved that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.

• 41:29Speaker 06

  If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.

• 41:40Speaker 07

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