Dr. Aliza Pressman: How to Avoid Your Parents Mistakes & Raise Confident and Resilient Kids

How do you help your children build confidence? How do you teach your kids to be resilient? Today, Jay welcomes Dr. Aliza Pressman. Aliza is a developmental psychologist with nearly two decades of experience working with families and healthcare providers. She is the host of the Raising Good Humans podcast and an expert in parenting strategies and child development. Dr. Pressman is also the author of The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans, where she offers practical advice and insights for parents looking to raise emotionally resilient and well-rounded children. Aliza begins by discussing whether everyone should become a parent and emphasizes the importance of being intentional and reflective before making that decision. She suggests that potential parents should think about their own values and how they want to approach parenting. She explains that having a strong, secure bond with a child is crucial for their development and that this bond can evolve over time, even if there have been mistakes along the way. Some children are more sensitive and require a specific environment to thrive, while others are more adaptable. She encourages parents to be mindful of their child’s unique needs. The discussion moves on to discipline and encouragement. Dr. Pressman suggests that discipline should focus on teaching rather than punishing, with clear boundaries set for the child’s safety and well-being. When it comes to building confidence, she emphasizes that helping children develop skills (competence) is more effective than simply giving praise. In this interview, you'll learn: How to handle parenting guilt and shame How to set boundaries for your child How to build your child’s confidence How to discipline effectively How to foster independence in your child How to build a secure attachment with your child By focusing on building secure attachments, setting clear boundaries, and fostering independence, parents can create a nurturing environment where their children can thrive. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:57 Should Everyone Be a Parent? 04:29 How Do We Get to Be Who We Are? 05:50 Secure Attachment Relationship 07:15 Feeling of Guilt and Shame as a Parent 11:07 Tiny Moments to Build Resilience 15:31 The Tendency to Overcorrect 17:03 What is Effective Reflection? 21:44 Learn to Reflect with Your Children 26:31 Failure as a Parent 31:14 Different Forms of Communication with Children 35:10 What is the Right Approach to Discipline? 39:10 Three Parenting Styles 41:36 Tension and Rejection Can Be a Motivation 45:34 Dealing with a Child Who Doesn’t Want to Open Up 50:12 Your Presence is Important 51:46 How to Have a Social Media Conversation? 57:12 How to Raise a Confident Human? 01:01:40 Allow Kids to Showcase What They Learned 01:05:53 Adults Can Work on Themselves 01:07:23 Aliza on Final Five Episode Resources: Dr. Aliza Pressman | Website Dr. Aliza Pressman | Instagram Dr. Aliza Pressman | Facebook Raising Good Humans The 5 Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

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• 0:30Jay Shetty?

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• 1:13Jay Shetty?

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• 1:59Jay Shetty?

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• 2:41Jay Shetty?

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• 2:58Speaker 02

  It used to be you have a baby, develop the secure attachment, and that's it. Our job is not to fix, it's to be there.

• 3:06Speaker 03

  She has a podcast called Raising Good Humans. Psychologist Eliza Pressman.

• 3:10Speaker 02

  Not only can you not be perfect, but it's actually worse for your kids. I feel like discipline is so controversial. I think of it as all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.

• 3:19Jay Shetty?

  Should everyone be a parent?

• 3:22Speaker 02

  Whoa.

• 3:26Jay Shetty?

  We're thrilled to announce that we've reached 3 million subscribers. We're incredibly grateful for each and every one of you. If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to hit that subscribe button so you never miss out on any of our new releases. We're dedicated to bringing you the content you love. Our team carefully analyzes what resonates most with you to bring on board the best experts and storytellers to help you improve your life. Some of your favorite topics are sleep science, weight loss, physical fitness, navigating breakups, habit building, and understanding toxic relationships. Upcoming episodes include one of the biggest names in health and science, world-renowned relationship therapist,

• 4:09Jay Shetty?

  and your favorite manifestation expert is back to drop new findings. Hit subscribe to not miss any of these episodes. If you think of someone who would love this episode, send it to them to make their day.

• 4:21Speaker 04

  The number one health and wellness podcast.

• 4:24Speaker 05

  Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty.

• 4:30Jay Shetty?

  Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose. I know that you come back here every week to become happier, healthier, and more healed. And it's my commitment to go and find experts, thought leaders, and thinkers that can help you on your journey to make better decisions, to change habits, and to transform your mindset. Now, I don't think there's potentially a more important topic than the one we're discussing today, because I think raising good humans, raising the future generation, and learning how to improve ourselves in the process is probably one of the most life-changing journeys that any of us ever go on. And today's guest is someone who has so many great insights, so many great takeaways, so many wonderful

• 5:11Jay Shetty?

  methods that we can all apply in our daily lives to become better at being a good human and raising good humans in the process. I'm speaking about Dr. Eliza Pressman. She's a developmental psychologist with nearly two decades of experience working with families and their healthcare providers who care for them. Eliza is also the host of the podcast, Raising Good Humans. If you're not listening already, go ahead and subscribe. And today we're talking about her new book that's out called The Five Principles of Parenting: Your Essential Guide to Raising Good Humans. Please welcome to On Purpose, Eliza Pressman. Eliza, it's great to have you here.

• 5:50Speaker 02

  I'm so thrilled to be here.

• 5:51Jay Shetty?

  Oh, thank you for being here. Honestly, I'm really excited to dive in, as I've been talking about. And I wanted to get straight into this, because I have so many questions I want to ask you. And I want to start off with what I believe is the most important one, and I feel in our society is often missed, forgotten, avoided, not even a thought. And the question is, should everyone be a parent?

• 6:18Speaker 02

  Whoa.

• 6:21Speaker 02

  I don't think we can presume to say what anybody should or shouldn't be other than the whatever your definition of good human is. And so if that entails bringing kids into this world, if that's your calling, I think you must do it in whatever way that works out. But not everybody wants that and it's, you know, it's an assumption that we probably shouldn't be making.

• 6:47Jay Shetty?

  Absolutely. For those who want children or have always thought they've wanted children, what would you encourage people to think about before diving in? Because I often feel that, like so many things in society, whether it's the degree we end up studying or the job we get out of college or getting married or having children, it almost feels like we're on a conveyor belt and we don't really stop to pause and reflect, which I know is one of your key principles. We don't often stop and think, should we? Are we ready? What are the qualifications? What's useful? And we just dive in. And it's interesting that, you know, and I've heard many people talk about this. I think I spoke to Kristen Bell and Dax about this at one point and they were talking about how like you just get to come back

• 7:32Jay Shetty?

  from a hospital with a baby.

• 7:34Speaker 02

  I know.

• 7:34Jay Shetty?

  And there's no exam, there's no test. And like you spend all these years studying for a degree or you spend a couple of years practicing how to drive or whatever it may be, but all of a sudden you have a baby without a license and nothing else.

• 7:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 7:46Jay Shetty?

  And so what are some of the things you'd encourage people to think about even before becoming a parent that you think would help them in the process of being a parent?

• 7:54Speaker 02

  I mean, ideally, we all are thinking about this before we become parents because it just, that reflection of like, how did I get here? How do we come to be who we are? Which I think is the sort of crux of what developmental science is, is how do we get to be who we are? And what then happened in that process that I want to bring to parenting? And what do I want to let go of? And if you take the time to reflect, then you can be intentional about your parenting. So the idea that we can do this before we have kids, if you are in a position to talk to your partner about that and really think through that, talk to yourself about that,

• 8:36Speaker 02

  you can have a mission statement for how you want to be as a parent. It's not like what your kid's gonna be like because you have no idea what your kid's gonna be like. That's a fantasy that you can decide, but we can't. They are, whatever seed is planted is planted and that flower blooms. But we have so much capacity to be intentional. And so that reflection before you're even trying to have kids is so beneficial and it's actually linked with secure attachment relationships.

• 9:07Jay Shetty?

  Oh, wow. Talk to me about that connection. I didn't realize that.

• 9:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, so one of the things in the research on human development is that having a secure attachment relationship with your child or with, you know, as the child has with one caregiver. And that is, you know, a whole other, or probably part of this conversation. It's so deeply protective. It buffers the impact of trauma. It's so important. And not everybody grew up with that. So about 65% of us came from secure attachment relationships. If we didn't and we reflect back and we think through what was going on, how we came to be who we are, how we learned how to be loved, how we experienced love, how we gave love,

• 9:53Speaker 02

  we then have a much higher chance of turning what could have been just an autopilot to a different kind of relationship into this secure attachment.

• 10:05Jay Shetty?

  Now, I know what everyone's thinking right now. They're thinking, Elisa, I wish you'd told me this five years ago. You'd have saved me, right? Like, I feel like a lot of our listeners may have already had children and it's natural. Again, I'm not judging anyone. It's such a part of our community and society. And then I think a lot of people, especially our community, who is really smart and thoughtful and intentional and listens and goes, you know what, actually, I realized that, but I've already had children now and I feel like I've made mistakes. What are some of the most common mistakes people come up to you with? Where they're feeling guilt and shame?

• 10:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 10:38Jay Shetty?

  And I feel so sad for that because again, you couldn't have known, you didn't know. And now that you know, as Maya Angelou said, now you know better, you can do better. What have you seen are some of the biggest mistakes people carry around is guilt and shame when they're when they have become parents?

• 10:54Speaker 02

  Well, I think so importantly, attachment relationships are dynamic. So you weren't just like, it used to be, we used to think like you're either, you know, you have a baby, you develop the secure attachment. It's like a bond and that's it. But we know now it's dynamic. And so if you have a five year old or a 16 year old or a 35 year old, you can still grow that healthy attachment relationship. So you can change and that's what your audience knows all the time. And it's true about relationships with your kids. But I think that shame is from thinking like, I wasn't there enough. There's shame in not being able to fix whatever your child's going through.

• 11:39Speaker 02

  And what I hope everybody like gets from certainly this conversation is that our job is not to fix, it's to be there. And that's what secure attachment is, even in your adult relationships. It's like, who can sit with me through all of these experiences, through these feelings? Because we're not like, the idea of being happy isn't really about always being happy. It's about knowing you can come back from whatever it is that you're going through and you will be happy again. And if our kids experience the range of things that come their way and they know that they have someone sort of sitting by their side,

• 12:22Speaker 02

  they end up in this relationship that is securely attached. And it's not like one and done. And if it didn't, you know, that's the thing that I think is the trickiest is feeling like I'm responsible for my child's constant happiness. I have to feel ashamed if I wasn't there for every moment or if I couldn't fix that feeling, which you can't, as you know. And, um, and I think sometimes people feel like they're maybe better or worse at different stages. And so there's, you know, like this assumption that we're gonna kind of know what to do. Like the idea that you do come home from the hospital and you're just like, okay, I guess.

• 13:05Speaker 02

  I just feel like in adulthood, this happens all the time. Like, I remember just the first time I was, you know, in my twenties and I had my own apartment. And I was like, wait, I can just decide what I'm doing? I can open a bottle of wine? Like, there were things that I still was like, I'm gonna, it's bizarre. And now, like, that I'm the last, you know, person in charge of whatever, and there's nobody that I'm supposed to ask and I can make a decision. I'm still kind of like, is that okay?

• 13:33Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 13:33Speaker 02

  And so the idea that you're just like in charge of raising a whole human being or more is really daunting. And we all kind of think everybody else knows. We don't know.

• 13:49Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and I think those two things really resonated with me. This idea of, I want to fix all their problems. And I'm not there for them enough. And I can feel like, I can obviously only relate to them theoretically from a parenting standpoint, but I can relate to them in my other relationships. Whether it's with my younger sister, or whether it's with my wife, or whether it's with the people I love in my life. And I can only imagine how that is amplified with a child. That's your, you know, that feeling. And so,

• 14:23Jay Shetty?

  how do you carry that weight and almost loosen that control? That is naturally, it feels so gut instinct correct, right? It doesn't feel like that's a bad idea.

• 14:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:36Jay Shetty?

  It feels like that's the best thing, that's what you were made for. And then you're failing at it. And so how you, how do you do what you just said? How do you carry that weight at the same time as recognize that you need to put it down?

• 14:50Speaker 02

  I mean, I think that that's where the idea of repair and the, what we know about repair comes in, is that

• 15:00Speaker 02

  In the same way that we build muscles, like you need tiny little ruptures in the muscles to grow stronger muscles. We have to have tiny moments of disrepair, of not being exactly the right parent, of not being able to fix the feeling, of the feeling being really, really hard, of the experience being a fail in order to grow stronger relationships. And so I think taking the weight off is much more easy or comes by more easily when you remind yourself, like, I'm actually building this muscle for my child and for me. So every mistake is, to me, this like, okay, I just, because you have this relationship,

• 15:45Speaker 02

  because you're invested, because you're intentional, you're gonna blow it, you're not gonna be able to fix it, you're going to feel like, oh, my God, did I ruin my kid? And no, you invested in resilience building because you're there. If you were like, oh, well, you know, like rot and suffer, that's a totally different thing. But nobody listening to this is that. And so I think that lifts the weight of not only can you not be perfect and not only can you not fix everything, but it's actually worse for your kids. And it is important to acknowledge what you said, which is it's still appropriate to want to. Of course, like you, you should,

• 16:26Speaker 02

  I think we all want to, to help the people we love and, and it's, it is amplified with the people that you are raising because it's like, I can make this better. I have capacity to change this, to call the school, to call the friend, to change the system, to move, to whatever. But when we can get a little bit more sort of accepting of the fact that it is so hard to watch someone struggle, but when they're struggling next to you and you can be there for them and help them understand that that is part of being a person, it's not dangerous, feelings are not dangerous. You're giving them such a gift that that's where I think you can let go of the weight.

• 17:11Jay Shetty?

  Wow, yeah, I think when I'm listening to you, I'm thinking, It takes almost the same amount of energy to shame yourself as it does to shift yourself.

• 17:23Speaker 02

  Oh, wow, yeah.

• 17:24Jay Shetty?

  Right? This idea of I'm going to sit here and keep replaying the mistake I made and the wrong thing I said and how I messed up in this moment. Or I do reflect on that, as you would say, I do reflect on that. And now I know what I need to say next time and what I need to say now and how to behave differently. And that takes the same amount of time. It takes the same amount of energy. It takes the same amount of effort. But our negativity bias naturally takes us into that.

• 17:53Speaker 02

  It's like a spiral.

• 17:54Jay Shetty?

  Spiral, yeah. And just self judgment, self criticism that we then pass down on to our children as they see us do that.

• 18:01Speaker 02

  And then you're, you know, when you, when you shift it, you're actually building the very strength of the relationship that you're lamenting because of the mistake.

• 18:11Jay Shetty?

  Yes, yeah. When you, when you were saying that, I was thinking about, I almost feel like when I speak to a lot of parents as well, and I speak to my community and audience, there's a feeling of I went through something. I never want my kids to go through that, right? Or I didn't get this opportunity. I really want them to get this opportunity. So our life becomes this mirror projection of what I've called before, the gifts and gaps in our life. So if our parents gave us gifts, we, we want them to have those same gifts. And if our parents left gaps, we want to fill those gaps for the kids. And so in that mindset, how does that mindset create challenges and issues? And how do we actually tweak and refine that?

• 18:57Speaker 02

  I mean, I think we over correct. And so if we're reflective and we can say, okay, this is the thing I really didn't have, and I really want my kids to have, but let me be aware that that doesn't mean that I should forget about, for example, boundaries. You know, if I didn't receive a lot of affection and love and connection. Am I going to be so worried that I'm not giving enough of that to my child? That I'm scared of the limits and boundaries that are necessary for their safety? I think that happens all the time. And so it's all middle path, you know? Like, if we notice that something really, really matters to us,

• 19:41Speaker 02

  can we let it matter without over correcting and forgetting about these other things?

• 19:47Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's so hard.

• 19:49Speaker 02

  I know.

• 19:50Jay Shetty?

  It's such a challenge. Like, I feel like that controller inside of us. And, and I feel that there's such an experience that we're having of what we're trying to heal in our children is what we're trying to heal in ourselves. And so there's this constant belief that I think I'm trying to heal them, but really, I'm just preaching to myself and processing something internal. But our self-awareness is so warped sometimes or hidden that we can't see that. We think we're doing it just for the benefit. How do you break that veil? Like, how do you kind of? How do you reflect effectively? I think that's the question I'm asking.

• 20:25Speaker 02

  Effective reflecting?

• 20:26Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. What is effective reflection? Because I think we can all ponder. And maybe our reflection takes us as far as, yeah, you know, my parents like always forgot my birthday. I won't forget my kid's birthday. I'll, I'll do it, right? Or, yeah, you know, my, my dad never turned up to my sports games. And so if my kid's sports.

• 20:44Speaker 02

  You're not gonna miss a thing, yeah.

• 20:45Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. So like, that's good. But, but what is the most effective version of reflection? That makes it such a big part of your five principles?

• 20:54Speaker 02

  So I think if you can write down, like, set a timer and for five minutes and write down the story of who you are as a parent that your child's going to explain to their grandchildren.

• 21:07Jay Shetty?

  Oh, wow.

• 21:08Speaker 02

  Just five minutes. Who, who are they describing? And then circle the words that really keep coming up. And make that your mission. Like, this is my mission statement as a parent. And I now know sort of my North Star. And within that framework, I'm going to reflect and decide if it's still working or am I over correcting? So like, for example, if one of the things that keeps coming up is, I want to be present, I want to be present, I want to be present. And the way you're translating it is, you're not missing a game.

• 21:50Speaker 02

  To the point where your child doesn't know how to enjoy themselves without the audience. To the point where it feels like they are so the center of your universe that they are worried that you are not a person without them. Then you would want to pivot and say, I can be present without being invasive. You know? But I think that that's the easiest way is to check into, how is this? I mean, in a scientific paper, you'd say, how's this operationalized? And in life, I would genuinely do that exercise regularly, like kind of every year and check in.

• 22:34Speaker 02

  And the other thing that I think is very interesting about it is, if you figure out kind of what your mission statement is, like in this, as this parent or in this household, if you're doing it with your co-parent, or again, you can keep it to yourself. But as your kids get older, if you say to them, my mission in this as a parent is this, you know, these three things were really important to me. What do you think my mission or our mission statement is? And if your kids come back to you as they're older and they're, and you're like kindness, empathy and presence. And they're like, education, persistence and money. That's okay.

• 23:16Speaker 02

  But then it's a moment to say, huh, there's one or two things happening here. Either I'm not parenting in the way that I mean to, because the messaging is clearly not getting across, or I'm not honest with myself about what I'm really going for. Because there's no right or wrong. But it's more like, how do I keep checking in with it so that that reflection is taken into action?

• 23:43Jay Shetty?

  Hey, you're just catching me as I have my midday pick-me-up. I'm sure you've heard about Junie. Radhi and I put all of our love into creating this amazing drink. It's full of nootropics and adaptogens. Great for that little boost of energy, enhanced focus and a happy mind. And guess what? It's only five calories and absolutely no sugar. I hope you're gonna try it out. It's available right now at Target. If you're a Target shopper, head there right now. And at Sprouts as well this summer. Go grab your Junie. So interesting how two people can have the exact same experience with the same parents, yet respond so differently.

• 24:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:23Jay Shetty?

  I played a lot of sports growing up and my mom would be taking care of my sister and rarely would my dad show up. And I took that, and I have a good relationship with my dad now. And I took that as a sign of I got to decide who I wanted to be.

• 24:39Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 24:40Jay Shetty?

  And it's been probably one of the best things that ever happened to me that my dad didn't show up because I had no one to impress apart from myself.

• 24:46Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 24:47Jay Shetty?

  And I love that because till this day I make decisions based on, not completely, I have challenges too, but I make wholly, I will reflect on decisions as to how do I feel about this? Because I'm the person that I have to live with and I think that's one of my favorite qualities that I've been able to gain in life. But I also know a lot of people who've been through the same thing and they've just feel abandoned, they feel discouraged, they feel like no one was ever there for them, they they weren't able to learn self-validation in the process. And it's almost like as parents, when you're trying to over-correct, it's like you don't know how a child is going to respond to your presence or your absence. And I think we can kind of get into a whirlwind around that. And I like what you're saying, this idea of actually reflect with them.

• 25:32Speaker 02

  Totally.

• 25:33Jay Shetty?

  Is such a beautiful way as they get older of like, what does that mean? And, and I think that requires such a maturity on a parent's part because it's hard to do that.

• 25:42Speaker 02

  It is, it is. But then you get to also model for your kids, this thing that we wish maybe was modeled for us, reflection.

• 25:51Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 25:52Speaker 02

  And also just to your point about the different responses. And I write about this in the book and this is a big part of the literature on developmental science, but. Temperament really is real. And I like how Dr. Thomas Boise talks about it as orchids, dandelions, and then later folks said tulip, they studied tulips. But it's like a way of looking at how the environment influences you. That's kind of, you're born this way, right? You come into this world, has nothing to do with anything that your parents have done. You, you are responding to the wind in a different way than the next child. And so an orchid is going to thrive in certain sunlight, water, and soil.

• 26:35Speaker 02

  But we've all, or maybe not all of us, but I certainly have tried to raise orchids. And they're like, it's like a stump. Yes. Because I just wasn't, I wasn't sensitive enough to that particular flower's need. And so I, I learned about the plants that needed less. And I could fill my house with those. But you can't do that with kids. Yeah. And so, but like a dandelion child, and these are real, like they studied these orchid babies for real. Like as babies, not as actual flowers, but just labeled them as orchids and dandelions. And a dandelion is probably gonna grow with just like your basic sunlight, water, and soil, your basic love connection and some boundaries and rules.

• 27:19Speaker 02

  And they're, they're gonna, go to the game, not go to the game. They're gonna be fine. But if you, if you have a kid that isn't thriving, and that's happening, then it's also, it's very courageous, it's very vulnerable, but asking ourselves like, what do I need to give in order for this flower to bloom? And it's gonna be different for every child. So it's not like you have one way to parent and that's it. But, you know, and it's not as exhausting as it sounds. It's more just like, okay, this one, because you see it pretty quickly. Like as you get to know your kids, you're like, this one notices the sound of the air conditioning more easily.

• 28:02Speaker 02

  This one does not notice if anything is going on. Like they're just sort of moving around the world and nothing's getting to them. Other kids are like, this tag is itchy. It's temperament, it's not because, you know, the parent was over coddling. It's like, you can amplify these things, of course. Like you could take a kid who's very sensitive, ignore their needs, ignore their needs, ignore their needs, and they're probably gonna be extra needy. Or you can take a kid who's extra sensitive and turn that sensitivity into beautiful empathy and creativity and curiosity and thoughtfulness. But you're still dealing with the same sensitivity. So I just think that recalling that you could go through experiences like not having a parent

• 28:46Speaker 02

  come to your game and know, let's say you have a kid and you're like, my dad never came to the games and this is why I'm kind of amazing at knowing what I need and knowing that I'm not doing it for everybody else and I'm not performing to please a parent. But then if your child says, can you please come to a game?

• 29:06Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, you can't apply that.

• 29:07Speaker 02

  You have to say, yes, but I think what would be great is that you know in your heart, yes, I'm going to go to some of those games, but I don't have to go to all those games in order for this child to thrive. And that's the gift of the lesson that you got from your father.

• 29:22Jay Shetty?

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• 30:05Jay Shetty?

  That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by Chase Sapphire Reserve. One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the chance to step outside of our routine. Travel is a way of slowing us down and shifting our perspective. And with the Chase Sapphire Reserve card, every journey becomes even more rewarding. Earn four times the points on flights and hotels booked direct. Enjoy access to award winning airport lounges, three times the points on dining and reserve exclusive tables. Learn more at chase.com/sapphirereserve.

• 30:47Jay Shetty?

  Cards issued by JP Morgan Chase Bank, N A Member FDIC. Subject to credit approval. Terms apply. This episode is brought to you by Orange Theory Fitness. One of the best investments you can make is in your own strength. The choices you make today can help shape how you feel for years to come. Orange Theory Fitness provides a one-hour workout to build strength, burn fat, and build muscle with an expert coach guiding you every step of the way. Head to orangetheory.com/onpurpose to learn more and get your first class free. Orange Theory Fitness, helping people live longer, more vibrant lives. Terms and conditions apply. See webpage and studio for details. I love that.

• 31:29Jay Shetty?

  I so appreciate the nuance of that and the sensitivity of that because I think that's where we trip ourselves up where it's like, oh, that's the lesson I learned. I don't need to go to any games. They'll learn independence because that's what I learned.

• 31:42Speaker 02

  Right.

• 31:42Jay Shetty?

  They are a different, they're an all kid or whatever else it may be. And that lack of sensitivity and that lack of connectivity with them and noticing their temperament and noticing their environment that they need is often what happens. And I also find that there's this, kind of what you were saying with this idea of when we're noticing these things in them, when we notice inadequacies or lacks in a child in what we perceive to be an inadequacy, it's because we're having this feeling of we're inadequate because we haven't been able to have them not have that issue.

• 32:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:21Jay Shetty?

  And I find that we're trying to solve it so that we can solve that inadequacy inside of ourselves and then when it doesn't solve and then we keep thinking, well, it must be me.

• 32:29Speaker 02

  What's me, yeah.

• 32:30Jay Shetty?

  What's me? How do you process that thought? What's a, what's a healthy practice to have when that seems to be a recurring theme?

• 32:39Speaker 02

  You know, it's really interesting because as you were saying that, I was thinking about what really pisses me off? Like what, when do I get?

• 32:50Speaker 02

  When do I disappoint myself as a mother? And it's when my kids are doing something that I feel is hard for them, or they get hurt, or something is like, they should be better at this because of my parenting and I was the one who blew it. And so my anger is not at all at them, but it comes out, it can come out at them, which is the only thing that sort of motivates me to deal with it. Because we, we just feel like such failures. And a lot of the time, it's just like, wait a second. Can I also look at what, what's the benefit of having something different going on for this child?

• 33:33Speaker 02

  Like, maybe it means that they're going to see things in a clearer way, or maybe it means that because this is bothering them, they're gonna pay attention now. I don't know what this is, but like, because, you know, this is a silly example, but let's say itchy tags bother them. And there are sensory issues and all sorts of things, but we're not getting into that. But because itchy tags bother them and they really like soft clothing. And there's, you're like, I've raised this kid who can't function in the world and now I'm mad at myself because I'm like, just deal with it. But if you could say, I wonder if this is go, what, what strength will this bring for them? Instead of looking at it as a weakness,

• 34:18Speaker 02

  is it possibly just different than you? Because one of the things about temperament is also like, what kind of flower are you? Because there's something that researchers have long looked at, which is, it's called goodness of fit. And when a parent and a child has a good fit, their temperament matches well, they tend to do better. And so they're not gonna change, but we have more capacity to sort of pay attention to that. And so another thing that we can think about is like, what is my temperament? How do I respond to the environment? And why is that bothering me? And, and also, if you feel like, because I, I would say an example that's, that happens a lot is if you have a kid who's more sensitive

• 35:03Speaker 02

  and you're just like, kind of a dandelion, it's annoying. You know, you have to take a lot more care and a lot more time. But you could have one parent who's like, I'm so sensitive, they're so sensitive, I'm gonna be so attuned that maybe it's too much, maybe, maybe they won't learn, you know, so it's again back to paying attention, then coming to the middle of it and saying, okay, one of us, let's say you have two parents, and you can say, one of us is able to notice those sensitive moments, we're able to sort of be attuned, so I'm going to pay less attention to that skill that

• 35:43Speaker 02

  I have so naturally, and I'm gonna focus on not panicking when my kid is uncomfortable. But maybe the more dandelion-like parent is gonna say, I think I've got the not worrying so much about them and thinking they can handle it, so I'm gonna focus on being more attuned to what's going on for them. And so we just, like, it's this, you know, constant sort of, it's not hard, though, it's, I think it's interesting. I think if you look at it as curious and interesting, it's not like, oh my god, how much is there to think about?

• 36:13Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 36:14Speaker 02

  But it's just like, in their small moments, you know, we're just kind of paying attention, and when you have that capacity to give attention to things, it's, it's not that hard. It's, what's hard is that we just want it to be right all the time and not hard. But the, like, when you let go of it and you're just like, all right, my tendency is this, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go on the other side of it and challenge myself, more often than not, 55% of the time. I think you can really develop incredible relationships with your partner, with your kids, because you're basically saying, I'm not gonna assume that you and I are the same person. I'm not telling the same story.

• 36:58Speaker 02

  I'm gonna let you unfold as you are, and I'm gonna give you a little bit of my, you know, like, what I can offer.

• 37:05Jay Shetty?

  Are there different forms of communicating with children that work at different ages in their journey? Like, are there certain? Types of communication or forms of communication that are more effective between zero and five, five and 10, 10 and 15, or anything like that? Or how do you see that communication evolving over ages, I guess?

• 37:25Speaker 02

  I think the first five years, there's a lot more physical communication, even though, of course, we want to use our words because the more exposure to language you have, the more likely you are to have, you know, sophisticated language. But physical touch is so effective, and a lot of times, we try to talk young children, like, out of feelings. And those are the times that I really want to encourage people to let their nervous system do the talking. So you just kind of put your hand on your heart, take a breath, remind yourself that whatever's going on for them, they're safe, they're just upset. And so you're lending them your nervous system, but you're not telling them.

• 38:08Speaker 02

  You're not like, you're safe, you're gonna be okay, you're just upset that you didn't get a blue cup and you really wanted it. You're more like reminding yourself of that quietly, you don't need to use words. And then over time, you can use more words. But in general, we use too many words. I say, I say using so many words.

• 38:28Jay Shetty?

  Wow, that's interesting. And, and the reason for that is?

• 38:32Speaker 02

  Because our kids only have so much capacity to listen. And a lot of the things that, that they're learning from us are watching and borrowing our nervous system. So rather than saying, you know, whether or not something is worthy of freaking out about, or telling them how to feel, they could just see that it's not scaring you. So instead of saying, don't be scared, they can be scared, but they're watching you not be scared. And like a flight attendant, I mean, this is, this shows you my issues, but like, I am not a great flyer, though I fly a lot. And I always choose the seat close enough to the flight attendant, because I just want to see how they're doing.

• 39:17Speaker 02

  And then if there's turbulence... I feel like they have enough experience in this world, in this gig of flying, that if it were worrisome, I would pick up on it. And it's the same thing, if our kids are looking at us, come on. Like, so we don't have to say so many words, but we do have to pay attention to what's going on inside of us.

• 39:35Jay Shetty?

  That's such a good example. That is so interesting. I'm like, I don't, I fly a lot. I'm not afraid of flying, but if there's bad turbulence, that's the first thing I do.

• 39:46Speaker 02

  The first thing you do, right?

• 39:47Jay Shetty?

  Is I try and look at how they're doing. And it doesn't matter whether they turn on the thing and say, "Hey, there's turbulence, put your belts on." I'm watching them.

• 39:54Speaker 02

  You're looking at their face.

• 39:55Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, you're looking at their face.

• 39:56Speaker 02

  And their body language.

• 39:57Jay Shetty?

  That's so real. Yeah, wow, that's such a great example. And you never think about that because you think it's the words that do the communication. And you're so right, that often you don't believe the words or you don't feel the words.

• 40:10Speaker 02

  Exactly. And I want our kids to believe us. And so if we are going to use words, we have to believe them too. Like, if you said, "No, no, no, I'm not upset," but you're upset, it's a mixed message. And so over time, your kids aren't quite, they're not going to believe that they can read people properly. Because it's like, what's really going on? So I think part of it is fewer words, and then when you use words, tell the truth. I mean, within developmental reason.

• 40:40Jay Shetty?

  Yes. I asked a couple of people around what questions they'd be interested in asking. And I think the two big things that came up, which I'm sure you hear a lot of, were discipline and encouragement, like the two opposite things. It's like, it seems like two common parents' activities are disciplining and trying to encourage or nurture. And so I want to talk about each of those. Let's start with disciplining. What is the, what is the right approach to discipline in a way, as you talk about, creates resilience?

• 41:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:12Jay Shetty?

  As opposed to, I guess, if we had a mission statement for disciplining, traditionally it would be to get things right, to do things well, to know what is good and bad. I feel those would be traditional metrics of discipline.

• 41:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:28Jay Shetty?

  What would you say are the new metrics? And how does? Healthy, what does healthy disciplining look like to lead to resilience?

• 41:34Speaker 02

  Okay, I feel like discipline is so controversial. But I think of it as all feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not. So if I had to sum it up, and I think we do think of discipline as punishment versus teaching, and it's teaching. And if we're teaching how to move through the world, and if we're teaching kind of what's expected, what are boundaries, and they're real, like they are for your emotional and physical safety, and you're not just doing them to control, but you actually are like, no, this is a big deal, because it actually influences your growth and development. It's not just for my entertainment.

• 42:17Speaker 02

  Then your kids trust you a little bit more, and the relationship is stronger. But I think the key with discipline is not being afraid of how our kids react to it, and having the strength of purpose and belief that if they do have a negative reaction to it, we can love them all the way through it, but we're not going to change our minds about it. Because that's where it gets messy, is that, and I, I, I think this is partly my whole field and industry. If we're talking all about how important the relationship is, and then you have this limit that you set, like, this is my expectation of you, and your child doesn't like it, this simply like, I, you know, I take the phone away at night, or the iPad, or whatever,

• 43:02Speaker 02

  and your child is freaking out about it, then you go, well, now I've messed with the relationship, and so I guess I should, they're crying, and I need to, like, get back in there, so, okay, I'll give you more time, or whatever it is. And that's where we get confused. I think if parents really understood that feelings aren't dangerous, that kids aren't going to say thank you for the boundaries and limits that we set, and that we set them with the intention of physical and emotional safety, about not just them, but other people, like, we're not just raising kids in a vacuum. They have to move through the world and think about community and other humans, and so what's comfortable for them might not be thoughtful to other people. And so it's that balance between

• 43:47Speaker 02

  Be there for yourself, but also not to the extent that you can't, you know, that you're entitled and don't respect that there are other people in the world.

• 43:55Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's I I remember, and I think my my mom got that right from why I can, or at least followed that advice, because I remember in my time it was a bit easier because we were just playing video games. That was the closest thing we had to a mobile phone. Right. And it's I remember I'd get home from school and I was allowed to watch TV for thirty minutes and play video games for thirty minutes. And after that to do homework, then we'd have dinner and then whatever, you know. And I remember that that hour was like something I looked forward to every single day because I'd get to watch, whether it was The Simpsons or when I got older, like Fresh Prince of Bel Air or whatever it was. And then and and those rules kind of changed over time. Where it's like, OK, now you get a bit more PlayStation time or whatever else it may have been

• 44:37Jay Shetty?

  as I got older. But I now look back and really value the fact that I had these limits and rules and discipline because it's created a healthy level of discipline that I value today in me. And yeah, of course, when I was a kid, I didn't enjoy it. Like, I didn't want to do my homework and turn off the TV. Like, who does want to do that? But I feel like it was it's interesting how.

• 45:04Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, my I don't think my parents negotiated with the bargain with me with that stuff. It was just like, no, that's just how it is. And as uncomfortable it probably was for them that that I hated them at that time, they were, you know, at the time.

• 45:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:18Jay Shetty?

  They were willing to live with that. And I guess.

• 45:20Speaker 02

  Because it was for your benefit.

• 45:22Jay Shetty?

  Correct. And I guess that's the hard part, right? So we want you want your kid to love you and like you. And and it's not fun not being liked by someone, especially when you're trying to help them.

• 45:31Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 45:32Jay Shetty?

  And you're trying to do good for them.

• 45:33Speaker 02

  No, it's true because it's like you. I mean, there's three kind of parenting styles outside of neglectful, which is not, you know, that's a whole other thing. But there's like the permissive, which is best friend parenting, and it is so sensitive. And they do like you and you can play as many video games as you want. And all that's great. Except for you have no, nobody's steering the ship. And so it actually can lead to anxiety and depression and a sense that you are too responsible for things. And the other side of it is authoritarian, where it's fear-based and it's just rules. And it's just because I said so, but without the like, I know you really love doing this and I wouldn't stop you from doing it if I didn't know that it was better for your brain or whatever.

• 46:16Speaker 02

  So that's the middle path of like authoritative, where you're sensitive, but you stick with your limits and boundaries because you know that that's going to benefit your kids. And then you start to, because it's about our comfort. Like, how much can I handle of you being upset with the boundary that I set? It's not like anything else. It's really just looking at ourselves and saying, what is my capacity for handling the discomfort, knowing that I've made this choice because it's for my child's benefit? Because they're definitely not going to be like, thank you so much. And so when people say like, this strategy isn't working, I'm like, that's not the goal.

• 46:57Speaker 02

  The goal isn't for your kids to say, oh, thanks for explaining. Now I'm just gonna listen.

• 47:03Jay Shetty?

  Right. That's so interesting, isn't it? It's like, as, as humans and as adults, we believe that getting something right means knowing the right thing to say and getting the right response, which is a response we want or agree with. And the truth is, half the time when you're doing the right thing, you rarely get a response in that moment that is aligned with what you want. Like, I always say to, for me, I feel like, you know, up until 11, I was a pretty good kid and obedient. And then 11 to 21, I was totally the opposite and my parents were wrong about everything. Or maybe 14 to 21. And then when you're kind of like 25, you're like, yeah, you know what? My parents were good. Like, my parents were right about so many things and I'm so grateful to them and all

• 47:48Jay Shetty?

  the rest of it. Like, that kind of overarching feeling comes out, which, yeah, as a 15-year-old, you know, you didn't have. And, and it's almost like, We want them to display this like if if my parents wanted me to display gratitude at fifteen, it was never going to happen.

• 48:04Speaker 02

  Right. No, that's a great example, actually.

• 48:06Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, right. But we all we all believe that we're the exception that our kids will do that.

• 48:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:11Jay Shetty?

  And yet we were also the ungrateful kid, right? It's almost I find it because I'm not a parent. I find it better to reflect on what I was like as a kid.

• 48:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:19Jay Shetty?

  I know my parents had good intentions. I know they tried their best. I still chose to do things they would never agree with, and I still chose to behave in ways, and it wasn't because they did anything wrong. It was just because I was a kid.

• 48:30Speaker 02

  You were being a developing human, your description of yourself mapping with brain development, and it tracks, right? Like eleven to fourteen, maybe you were just beginning to experiment with pushing them away and pushback and rebellion. And then, you know, that's like puberty happens, hormones change. Then there's, you know, fourteen to till you were in your twenties. Your prefrontal cortex doesn't fully develop till eighteen to twenty eight, and, boys, it's later. So it's it's usually not the eighteen. And so you are more, you know, they say all gas, no brakes. And so all of the things you're talking about are mapping with where your brain was at the time.

• 49:12Speaker 02

  And as an adolescent, you're about to leave the nest. And so you're supposed to start to learn how to reject. And so it's this like push-pull. Ideally, there's still moments of connection and, you know, maybe they didn't, you know, it's possible, I don't know, but it's possible that they felt rejected by your rebellion and then you, you know, you're pushing away then worked. And so they didn't come toward you and say like, despite all of this, like, we love you very much, or maybe they did. But those are times of tension and you're supposed to, by the time you're you're ready to go out into the world, you have to feel like you, you know, you shouldn't

• 49:57Speaker 02

  can. And if it was just like cozy and delicious at all times at home, and there was none of that tension, you wouldn't be motivated to grow up and go on. So it all makes sense.

• 50:09Jay Shetty?

  That is, I've never heard it put that way, and I've never thought of it that way. That is such a fascinating point that in order to leave the pack.

• 50:18Jay Shetty?

  You have to have a sense of rejection, autonomy and independence just in the idea of development. Yeah. There has to be that feeling of I can do it on my own and I will figure it out. Yeah. And yeah, no, my, my parents, I think, honestly, were, were able individually with me to be like my, I, I, I always feel that my mom was able to be that person who I always feel even till this day is always there for me, but never smothering or controlling in that way. And so it's a, it's been a real, like, I know that if, no matter what was to happen, I could always. Go to her. My mom would catch me. Yeah, and I know that, but that's what's given me the confidence to not have to rely on it. Yeah. Because it's, it's there and I know that deeply.

• 51:03Jay Shetty?

  It's just there. Yeah, it's just there. And, and when my dad, he's, he was a lot more aloof, but like I said, that worked good for me because it helped me chart my own path and, and, you know, build that, which is interesting. I wanted to dive in a couple of things that stood out to me from the book that I've dogged here because got so many little parts that I loved, uh, that I wanted to talk about. One of the things I was thinking about was you talk about here, the idea of having a parent who's helping us through hard times. And I was thinking, I think one of the hardest things about a young person going through a hard time is they don't have the vocabulary to talk about it, even, even adults, but kids especially. And even adults. Yeah, even adults, like, you know, it's hard even to ask your partner when they're

• 51:45Jay Shetty?

  going through a tough time, let alone a child that, and, and I think with our children, we try harder often than we try with our partners, but with your child, you're like, tell me what's going on, like, I wanna know, I'm here to help you. And they're like, I don't know, like, go away, like, I don't know what I'm going through, right? Walk us through that path and that process because again, we feel so rejected and so distant and it almost feels like we're failing, but the real issue here is we can't get them to open up and therefore we can't help. This episode is brought to you by Amtrak. You know that feeling when you're already tired and you haven't even gotten there yet? That's where Amtrak comes in. Leave the driving behind and settle into a comfortable seat with plenty of room to stretch out.

• 52:29Jay Shetty?

  Catch up on work with wifi, grab a snack at the cafe car, or just sit back and enjoy your favorite podcast. Choose a seller or Northeast Regional and get there without the stress of getting there. Visit amtrak.com to plan your next trip. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer.

• 53:14Jay Shetty?

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• 53:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, it's so hard because if you push, and for a lot of, some kids are like disclosures, like we, there are people, I was like, let me tell you, let me tell you everything, mom, to the point where she was probably like, I really don't need to know this much. But, but then there are the more closed in, closed up kids. And also, it just depends on your vocabulary that you've grown up with, which is, I think that going back to like, even when you have limits and rules, you want your kids to know, as you're describing your mom, that they have you. So if you do mess up, you can still go to them, instead of being terrified.

• 54:37Speaker 02

  And so that's this weird thing where it's like, here are my expectations. Also, I want to name the fact that you're gonna blow it sometimes, and I want to be the person you come to. And that's something to say, not when they're struggling. And I think part of the reason why it's hard to get kids to open up is because we try to get in there when they're in the center of the struggle, instead of like building the vocabulary and connection outside of it. So you have the conversations, and you give the language when nobody's in the heat of the moment. So that when the heat of the moment comes, they already know. That they can come to you and you can just say to them, I can tell something's going on. I'm here whenever or if ever. And then just leave space.

• 55:23Speaker 02

  A lot of times doing something with a kid who's not opening up, like going for a drive even so that you're not looking at each other. And, you know, I can't think of any sport right now because I'm not super sporty. But, you know, like playing, I'm like, what is it called when one does a game with someone? Pickleball. Thank you. Tennis, yeah. So you go play pickleball. Yeah. You're playing pickleball, it's going to come up. But you want to just like put little tiny moments where you say, I'm askable, I'm tellable. And I'm not going to say anything. And one of the things that helps is that when your kids do tell you something, you say, thank you for telling me. Before you have any other reaction.

• 56:09Speaker 02

  And that may be your only reaction. And then you give them a little space and then you say, is there anything I can do?

• 56:18Speaker 02

  And it's not, you know, you can fix it. It's, is there anything I can, I can do to be supportive of you right now? And the other thing is like, I, this is developmental too. But when you think about teenagers versus young kids, with younger kids, you want to be, and this is going to sound ridiculous if you don't think about animals this way, but I do. So tell me if it resonates. But you kind of want to be a dog. You wag on your tail and you're excited to see them. You're always there and you're like really enthusiastic and they need that. But then as they get older, imagine your 11 to 25 year old self, you need to be a cat. So you're like a little, you're there, you're always around. You're not, you might, you're touching their feet.

• 57:04Speaker 02

  Like you're not overly on top of them. But if they're interested, they can come to you. But you're not going anywhere. So it's like, it's this safe thing where you're there for them, but it's, it's not so intense. And then they have the opportunity to open up a little bit. And when they do, you don't pounce like a dog, you stay a cat who's like welcoming the information, but not, you know, saying, oh, my God. And then, you know, because you don't want your kids to think, you can't handle my truth. So I'm not, you're not the person to tell.

• 57:40Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. And I feel that's the hardest time to be the cat because you're scared about them getting involved in the worst stuff. Like whether it's drugs or, um, you know, addiction to social media or getting involved in the wrong circles. Like that's the age at which it's gonna happen.

• 57:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's terrifying.

• 57:56Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's terrifying. So they're not, and they're getting a driver's license. They can drink now, you know, as, you know, as they get older, it's like, it's almost like those are the times where you wanna be more hands on.

• 58:06Speaker 02

  And you are, that's why I say you're physically present. Like, I think toddlers and teenagers need you more present than anybody. But we think teenagers are like off on their own and whatever, but you're home. Like if they're going to a party, you're home to greet them and look into their eyes. So you don't need to ask if they've been drinking because you will know when you hug them and look in their eyes. And you can have a conversation in a different kind of way than if you're sort of like, I'm out, you're out, you're older, you, you know, take an Uber, don't drive drunk, I'll see you tomorrow. So I think your presence is important, but the, the, the sense that you're like kind of all over them verbally

• 58:51Speaker 02

  has, you have to pull back a little bit and it's terrifying. But if you've cultivated the relationship and you've set the expectations from, you know, about substances and social media and whatever, it's easier. But when something's really bothering them, what they need is to know that they don't have to explain it and they can just come to you and be sad.

• 59:16Jay Shetty?

  What's a good way to have that social media substance conversation? Because that sounds like the worst nightmare for any parent.

• 59:22Speaker 02

  I know, it's so.

• 59:23Jay Shetty?

  How do you have that conversation?

• 59:27Jay Shetty?

  Again, it's like you can't define whether you're going to get the right answer back or whatever. So what, what kind of communication around those two specific things have been effective for parents or that you've seen?

• 59:39Speaker 02

  Okay, so one of the things, the most protective thing is that you just have the conversations, the relationship. And so you're like, over time, it's never one conversation. And hopefully, before they're teenagers, you're starting to talk about what these things are and what they do to your brain. And with substances, for example, we know that before certain ages, your brain is so, it's in such a growth mode that you don't want to mess with that growth by putting substances in it. So if they have any thoughts about future and hopes and goals, now's the time to talk about that. And explain that like, at a certain point, you're going to be able to drink. At a certain point, depending on what state you're in, you're

• 1:00:23Speaker 02

  going to be able to smoke pot. But right now, your brain is at a vulnerable stage. And so it's a bigger decision now. And in this household, it's not on the table. And also, if you make a mistake, I'm the person you come to. Because your safety matters more to me than anything in the world. So I'm never going, you're never going to regret that. So I think it's one of those things where it's both a limit, a boundary, and a relationship, and you're paying attention. And so that's one. The best friend parenting thing can be problematic because you're like, well, I'd rather them drink at home, or I'd rather them get their drugs from me. And this is, we know from the literature,

• 1:01:08Speaker 02

  it's just not so. You don't want them to feel like, you know, we've sort of created a world where we want our kids to, it's so easy that they don't even have to push back. You're like handing them, did you see Mean Girls, the movie?

• 1:01:23Jay Shetty?

  I haven't seen the new one, but the original.

• 1:01:25Speaker 02

  No, the original.

• 1:01:25Jay Shetty?

  Oh, yeah, I love the original.

• 1:01:26Speaker 02

  You know Tina Fey walks, not Tina Fey, Amy Poehler walks in like with, with cocktails for all the girls when they're getting ready. And they're just like, ew. It's like, you don't, you, you might crave connection and desperately want to give them the things so that they're sticking with you. But you're still the parent. And there needs to be, they need to know that it's hard to do those things, you know, like there are barriers so that you don't break the rules. Overtly. So let's say they do end up drinking. There's a difference between if your kid eventually ends up drinking because you've really made it clear they can't. So maybe they've pushed it off. So now instead of at 14, they're 17.

• 1:02:08Speaker 02

  And there's a difference between drinking, where they're just taking some sips of a White Claw, and binge drinking. And you talk about that with them. Like, I can't, if I can smell it on you, or see it, that's a problem. But there's, there's a message in there, which is like, if you're gonna make a mistake, make the mistake moderately. And those are all the different ways to sort of help lay the groundwork for them to do as best they can to keep safe. But like, you're not giving them the, you know, the permission and the carte blanche to just kind of do whatever.

• 1:02:45Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's, it's such a challenging balance.

• 1:02:48Speaker 02

  It's so hard.

• 1:02:49Jay Shetty?

  It's so hard. Like, I was thinking about it when I was a kid, if anything was off the table, that was the most attractive thing in the world.

• 1:02:55Speaker 02

  And I think that's very important to acknowledge is like, it's still gonna be attractive. So if you set no limits, the, the other side of it

• 1:03:03Jay Shetty?

  Interesting, yes.

• 1:03:04Speaker 02

  Is there needs to be something for a teenager to push back on. So if you're like, I'm gonna use an example that's less fraught, clothing. If you're like, you can wear whatever you want, I don't care. And you see that your child is going out to a party in like, something very revealing, and you don't say anything, then they're like, I'm gonna try, I'm gonna, I'm not even getting pushed back, this must not be revealing enough. I'm gonna now wear something ridiculously, like, so revealing that it's offensive even to me, but I'm gonna do it, because let's see what happens. And your parent says nothing. And at, at a certain point, It's like the parent is, you're supposed to put on a sweatshirt and hide it from your

• 1:03:49Speaker 02

  parents, take the sweatshirt off and like know that this is not something that is like their dream, but that you can call them if you need them.

• 1:03:58Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:03:58Speaker 02

  And if we make things, so it's a balance because you need to be rejecting of your parents. So make the limit tight enough that there's, you know, something to reject and there's something to do that's not dangerous.

• 1:04:11Jay Shetty?

  Hmm.

• 1:04:12Speaker 02

  But also know your kid's temperament and there are some kids where you have to frame things differently because they're just like, oh, your no is my yes. And I think that that's something to just pay attention to because everybody's different and every kid is going to be different.

• 1:04:27Jay Shetty?

  Of course. Yeah, I know, but that's a really interesting point about needing to reject something and needing to have tension around something. And it's almost like you remove the tension completely.

• 1:04:37Speaker 02

  Yeah. What is there, what's there to do?

• 1:04:39Jay Shetty?

  What's there to do? Yeah, no, that's fascinating. I want to talk about the flip side. We're talking about discipline, talking about encouraging. And I feel like the biggest thing people want to do, at least at the root, I find, is wanting to raise a confident child, right? We don't, you don't want your children to feel insecure about the way they look, the way they think, the way they act. And that seems to be the biggest challenge of the day with social media and everything else. And so there's, there's a real sense today of insecurity, envy, comparison, feeling less than. How do you raise a confident human?

• 1:05:18Speaker 02

  Well, I think there are two parts of confidence that we can really cultivate. And then there's separately like behavior patterns that we can help along, like turning off social media, like taking it away if it's really just like harming you. So if you notice that you have a 15 year old and they're fixated on how certain things, I'm holding my hand up, they're fixated on, naturally they're going to be, but like some are more inclined than others and it's really starting to get them down, say to them, how's this making you feel? Because what I'm noticing is you're feeling worse and worse when you look at this. So let's figure out a limit and I'll help you

• 1:06:02Speaker 02

  because I'll just take the phone away even when you're feeling like, oh, I really want to look at this. But it comes from this real compassion. And then the two things for confidence that we can do. The first is remember that competence builds confidence, not praise. Like telling your kid they're amazing is not going to make them feel like they're amazing. It's the competence, like helping them develop the skills.

• 1:06:28Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 1:06:29Speaker 02

  And those skills don't have to be that you're like a star violinist or tennis player. It can be that you know how to cook or put the dishes away. You know, just, just a functioning individual. And so we tend to do everything for our kids, even if they're capable of doing it. But then praise them as if that's building the confidence. And so I think that's one thing. And the other thing is helping them understand how they feel and how they are reading the room. Because then you start to go like, okay, I can trust myself. And that is part of confidence as well.

• 1:07:07Jay Shetty?

  Oh, that competence and praise piece, that's huge. I love the way you said that because I've often thought about that with so many of my friends because I, I was quite shy and I would say somewhat, I was insecure about my weight growing up. And to some degree, the color of my skin too, like experiencing racism growing up and things like that. And so when I went to high school, my secondary school, as we call it in England, my parents forced me to go to public speaking and drama school. And that was somewhat of my worst nightmare in parts. But it was really amazing because it built a competency that then became really interesting and useful as I grew into my teens.

• 1:07:50Jay Shetty?

  And all of a sudden I felt like I had a skill. That I could use and implement and it was really helpful in so many ways. And of course, it's gone on to change my life. But I I look at that and I often tell some of my friends who are parents and I'll be like, I promise you, just work on a skill because that changed my life.

• 1:08:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:08:07Jay Shetty?

  And they can't imagine a world in which I was shy or that I was insecure because they're like, RJ, you must have, you know, I'm like, no, no, no, I promise you like it was developing skills that gave me confidence in myself. And you're right, they start really small of, you know, you have a skill like, I know my wife has this skill of she's really good at like techie stuff around the house, which I'm horrific at. And she like can fix a TV and fix this and that. And like she, she can do that because her and her dad used to do that. And she has a competence around it. And that as a kid was something she knew she was good at. And I think it's so interesting how we often think that even bonding time with our children has to be social. And and of course, that's awesome.

• 1:08:49Jay Shetty?

  And I, and I wonder, actually, I want to ask you about that, like how it, because you're, it's interesting what you said. And and obviously, my parents outsourced the skill development because my dad would hate teaching me math because that was not a good, good, good, good. My dad's really good at math and I'm not so good.

• 1:09:07Jay Shetty?

  So it was great to outsource it to another teacher. But how do you see that parent child relationship based on social versus skill development? And what, what's good to outsource, what's good to in in house?

• 1:09:18Speaker 02

  Well, I think if you, you have to know yourself, like if you're going to get frustrated with your kid because they are not as easy to explain math to, you're probably not the best person to, to help them along with the math. But if you have something that you see, even a kernel of interest in your kid, like they're interested in seeing how you fix the TV, spend the time helping them learn how to do that, like you're, it's a shared experience together. It's a shared skill building.

• 1:09:45Jay Shetty?

  Even if you're terrible at it, learn how to do it.

• 1:09:47Speaker 02

  That teaches them growth mindset, like I'm not really good at this, but it looks like you, first of all, it's great. If your kids actually have a skill, like mine are obviously better at tech than I am because they're in it, they, this is their native tongue. So my 17 year old is for sure the chief technology officer of the family and like anything tech that happens, I'm like, please fix this. But. It's interesting for her. And if that's interesting for her, what I could do, I don't, but what I could do is say, teach me how to get better at this. Tell me what you know. And one other way to get really confident is to teach, like, teach what you know. That's why it's great when, you know, older kids in school teach the younger kids.

• 1:10:31Speaker 02

  It's so awesome. So that is the other side of skill building is like allowing them to then, you know, show you what they've learned and really pay attention to it. And, you know, checking in with what they're interested in, the way attention works is you have to care. You have to be interested. So if you're trying to get your kid interested in something and skilled at violin, and they just are not interested, it's not gonna, it's the thing that you're looking for is for them to know, whether it's bead making or tennis or violin, it doesn't matter. It's the act of working on something and getting better at it that builds the confidence.

• 1:11:16Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and it doesn't matter what it is.

• 1:11:17Speaker 02

  It doesn't matter. So we have to like, let go of that investment.

• 1:11:19Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:11:20Speaker 02

  I mean, certainly, there are gonna be some things, because it's just what we're going for. Like, I didn't know how to play tennis growing up, and I am so annoyed. Like, it just bothers me so much. Socially, it bothers me. As a grown woman, I'm like, I can't hang, I can't do the fun things my friends are doing. So I force my kids to play tennis, not competitively, but just like, you need to know how to do this. But, and, and so I think you get a pass for a couple of those things, and you just have to acknowledge to your kids, like, I don't care if you're interested in, this is a me problem, not a you problem. But in general, like, let their interests lead.

• 1:11:54Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah. No, I could, I can relate to that so well. My parents forced me to learn piano. And it was the most, at that time, I was like, I hate this. And now I'm so sad, because I think the piano is one of the most beautiful instruments. And I look back going, oh, they were right. What did I do? Why did I throw it away? And, and you're gonna have those natural experiences. They allowed me to quit because I was so hell-bent on, no, I don't want to do this. And they, they saw that. And so they allowed that to happen. And now I regret it. And so.

• 1:12:23Speaker 02

  But that's okay.

• 1:12:24Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 1:12:24Speaker 02

  Because now you'll just remember.

• 1:12:26Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, exactly, exactly. It's, it's, it's interesting how, I feel like it's such a, I've been reflecting on, hopefully at one point, being a parent in my life a lot. And, and all I keep coming back to is this, a few things that keep coming to me are Humility, releasing control, and the acceptance that I don't always know what's best or right. And allowing for

• 1:12:53Jay Shetty?

  someone else to evolve and grow, just as I've had to, despite my parents' best interests. And that sounds like the most beautiful lesson and the biggest challenge at the same time, because it's the thing you'd want to control the most, yet can't.

• 1:13:07Speaker 02

  Oh, I know. It's the thing you want to control the most because it's the most important thing. And it's like, if we can accept that we can only control ourselves, our parenting flourishes.

• 1:13:23Jay Shetty?

  And that, in one sense, is the harder answer.

• 1:13:28Jay Shetty?

  Because we always think we can change things outside of ourselves quicker than we think we need to change.

• 1:13:33Speaker 02

  Yeah. That is the craziest thing about my job is that so much of it is, and psychologists in whatever area of psychology they're in, because there are so many different branches, and I'm not a clinical psychologist, but even clinical psychologists who are sitting, you know, a lot of times, they're meant to be working with children. But what ends up happening is they're working with the adults. I'm only working with the adults. But I think it's because adults can work on themselves and control themselves. And we have this inclination to want to control our kids.

• 1:14:15Speaker 02

  Again, it's all with the most love and hope, but we can't. And so that's not, you know, like, that's not the best use of our energy.

• 1:14:27Jay Shetty?

  Elisa, it's been such a joy talking to you today. Honestly, I feel like I've learned so much. I've reflected so much. And I want everyone who's listening and watching to know, we have simply skimmed the surface of some of the insane and incredible topics and methods that are inside this book. If you've been listening and watching so far, make sure you go and order The Five Principles of Parenting by Dr. Elisa Pressman, host of the Raising Good Humans podcast as well. Eliza, we end every On Purpose episode with a final five, and these have to be answered in one word to one sentence maximum. So these are your final five. The question, the first question is, what is the best parenting advice you've ever heard, received, or given?

• 1:15:11Speaker 02

  All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not.

• 1:15:14Jay Shetty?

  What is, second question, what is the worst parenting advice you've ever received or heard?

• 1:15:19Speaker 02

  You just want your kids to be happy.

• 1:15:23Jay Shetty?

  Question number three, what's something you used to believe to be true around parenting, but recently you've changed your mind about?

• 1:15:32Speaker 02

  That I would be better.

• 1:15:38Jay Shetty?

  Wow, that's beautiful. That's beautiful. Question number four, if you could encourage every parent to build one skill that would help them become a better parent for good humans, what would that one skill be?

• 1:15:53Speaker 02

  One of the five that makes you the most uncomfortable of relationship reflection, regulation, rules, and repair.

• 1:16:02Jay Shetty?

  Yes, love that. And fifth and final question, if you could create one law that everyone in the world had to follow, what would it be?

• 1:16:12Speaker 02

  Hunt for the good.

• 1:16:15Jay Shetty?

  That's beautiful. I love that. Dr. Eliza Pressman, everyone. The Five Principles of Parenting is the book. Go and grab your copy right now. We'll put the link in the comment section. And please, tag me and Eliza on Instagram, on TikTok, on Twitter. Let us know, sorry, X. Let us know what is resonating with you, what you're trying, what's working for you. I think, as you saw today, Eliza's really giving us a lot of stuff to play with, a lot of stuff to interact with. There's no right or wrong way. There's no good or bad way here. It's about figuring out how sensitive you can be, how close you can get to the human in front of you, how you can learn to balance and play that middle path. And so, as you are trying all of this great insight out, please do share it with us.

• 1:17:00Jay Shetty?

  We'd love to see it. I'd love to thank you again, Eliza, for doing this, for being present here with me today. I really enjoyed sharing this energy with you, and I really believe this is going to help a lot of people. So thank you so much.

• 1:17:10Speaker 02

  Oh my gosh, thank you so much. This has been incredible.

• 1:17:14Jay Shetty?

  If you love this episode, you'll enjoy my interview with Dr. Daniel Amen on how to change your life by changing your brain.

• 1:17:22Speaker 06

  If we want a healthy mind, it actually starts with a healthy brain. You know, I've had the blessing or the curse to scan over a thousand convicted felons and over a hundred murderers, and their brains are very damaged.

• 1:17:39Speaker 07

  Mr. President, my company tore me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd, causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all keep the blame on me.

• 1:17:48Speaker 08

  Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 1:17:56Speaker 09

  What would happen if I stopped going? You start, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 1:18:00Speaker 08

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 1:18:03Speaker 09

  I'm not the first then.

• 1:18:04Speaker 08

  Digger, see the trailer online, only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R, under 17, not a minute without parent.