6 Steps On How To Understand Your Partner’s Love Language & Improve Your Communication Instantly

One of Jay Shetty’s favorite books is The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. In this video, Jay Shetty breaks down his six steps to understanding your partner’s love language and improve your communication now. Listen in to learn more about the five love languages. Jay Shetty explains how to effectively express your love language to your partner and discover what their love language is too. Text Jay Shetty 310-997-4177 See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

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• 0:44Jay Shetty?

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• 1:30Jay Shetty?

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• 2:16Jay Shetty?

  And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and is clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1

• 2:59Jay Shetty?

  Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. But if you need it and you're not saying you need it, guess what? No one's going to read your mind. No one's going to figure it out, especially when you keep saying in every conversation, "No, I don't need it. I don't need anything. No, no, I'm fine. Like, no, don't worry about me." So it's so important. The first step is understand your own love language. You can't understand anyone else's unless you've done the work to understand your own.

• 3:40Jay Shetty?

  Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning in today. I'm so excited to speak with you now. Whether you're walking your dog, whether you're commuting, whether you're sitting, relaxing, whether you're cooking, whatever you're up to right now, thank you for spending this time with me. I genuinely love that we get to connect. I love the fact that you share your biggest insights in your Instagram stories, on Twitter, on Facebook, on LinkedIn. It means the world to me. When I can see what you're learning, which insights you're taking away, which words are having an impact, it helps me be better for you. Now, that's really what's most important to me is that this podcast serves you, that

• 4:24Jay Shetty?

  this podcast creates a space for you to go to, to find answers, to connect with yourself. And to gain practical tips to transform your life. So thank you so much. Keep sharing it all across and please, please, please make sure you leave a review as well because it makes a huge, huge difference to the podcast and others that want to listen. Now today's episode, as you know, is all about the six steps on how to understand your partner's love language and improve your communication radically. So Gary Chapman wrote this great book called The Five Love Languages. And if you haven't read it, I highly recommend that you do read it. If you have read it, this episode is still going to help you because

• 5:09Jay Shetty?

  it's going to help you actually put it into practice with my reflections and realizations since reading the book a long, long time ago, but also at the same time, applying them in my own relationship with my wife, Radhi. And this is something that I think about intently and something that I put a lot of conscious effort into. So I really want you to tune in, listen carefully today. One of the things you can do is that it's a great book to read with your partner or read and then give to your partner after you've read it. It's a great couples book because it's so simple to apply. So thank you very much to Gary Chapman, of course, for writing the book and giving us this wonderful framework. And let me talk to you through it. Some of you may be wondering, Jay, I

• 5:52Jay Shetty?

  don't even know what the five love languages are. And that's absolutely fine. Or you've heard this concept before, but you don't know in depth. So let me explain the five love languages to you. What love languages mean is that there is a certain type of communication, gift, connection that actually resonates with us deeper, that resonates with each of us more meaningfully. So we all know that there are lots of different ways of receiving love. But there are particular ways of receiving love that we prioritize unconsciously or consciously as more or less important. Now, the five love languages, as outlined by Gary Chapman,

• 6:36Jay Shetty?

  are words of affirmation being the first. Now, what words of affirmation means is that some of us like to be acknowledged, recognized, and told what we're doing right. We want to be appreciated. We want to receive words of gratitude, words of affirmation, affirming, encouraging, right? Being really conscious and being active in our words of praise and recognition is really, really important to some of us. Now, the key here is that, of course, it should be specific. Of course, it should be genuine. Of course, it needs to be truthful and real.

• 7:19Jay Shetty?

  But for some of us, words of affirmation is our love language. So it's something to think about. And words, remember, can be in any form. It can be a text, it can be spoken, it can be a card, it can be a letter, it can be a voice note, it can be a FaceTime call. There are many different ways in which words of affirmation can take the form of a medium. Now, the second love language is physical touch. This is any sort of communication that's non-verbal. It could be a loving embrace, a hug, a kiss on the forehead. This is not referring to just sexual touch.

• 7:59Jay Shetty?

  This is talking about comforting touch, confidence touch, being able to hold hands, right? It's the ability to maybe take an intimate moment, beginning or the end of the day. It's so much more. And physical touch, one of the things that misses out now is that so many people are not even hugging each other. And we all know the power of hugging, especially long hugs, hugs that are eight to 10 seconds or over, are better for our health, better for our wellbeing. And so so many of us actually feel the most loved when we're hugged. When we're embraced, when we're cared for physically, right? That's what physical touch is. So that's the second love language. The third love language is receiving gifts.

• 8:43Jay Shetty?

  So this means small gifts, big gifts, surprises. It could be a thing, it could be an experience, right? A gift can mean many different things. And understanding what a gift means to your partner is really, really important. The fourth is quality time. It is what it is. I mean, we all know what quality time is. The undisrupted, not full of distractions way of giving your attention to someone in a one-to-one conversation. Creating a space where you can truly connect, free of anything that's taking away your focus. Feeling like you are just with that person and that nothing is more important.

• 9:27Jay Shetty?

  Actively listening, proactively engaging, eye contact, right? Quality time. And the fifth and final love language, as Gary Chapman calls it, is act of service. So this is chores around the home. It's helping out around what needs to be done. It's making breakfast for someone or making dinner for them. It's helping out, right? Acts of service. So these are the five love languages as outlined in the book. Now, the reason why this is so powerful and so important, no matter if you think this is basic or you've heard it before, I promise you, there is more in this episode to actually uncover and dive deep into each and every single one of these love languages.

• 10:10Jay Shetty?

  And if you practice them, you will save yourself so much time. How many of you know that in the past, you wasted so much time trying to impress someone, trying to do things that you think they would like, and they didn't like them, that they weren't impressed by them, right? How many of you have wasted so much money? You will save money if you practice what I'm about to share in this podcast. How many of you have wasted so much money on gifts, holidays, vacations, experiences that the other person didn't value? And you had left there scratching your head going, why does this person not value this? I don't understand, right? How many times have you ever been in that situation where you think you're giving everything to this person? You think you've gone above and beyond, but actually...

• 10:57Jay Shetty?

  They're looking at you like you don't love them, like you don't care. So often, we waste money because we don't know someone's love language. And we all save energy. How many of us spend so much time trying to figure out what to do, something special for our partners, but we get it wrong? And then we get dissatisfied. And then we get disappointed. And then we get disheartened. You may be wondering, like, you may say, "Well, people should just be grateful for what they get." And it's true, it is beautiful to be grateful for any love we receive in any form, in any language.

• 11:39Jay Shetty?

  But the truth is that as a lover, and this applies to a friend as well, not just romantic partners, as a friend, as a partner, as a husband, or a wife, or a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, learning to love in the way someone wants to be loved is far more the definition of love

• 12:05Jay Shetty?

  than just loving in any way. So while it's true that people should be grateful for whatever type of love they receive in life, we should also realize, as someone who is giving love, real love is figuring out how someone wants to be loved. Right? Real love is figuring out how someone wants to be loved and love them in that way, not just any way. In the same way as when we say things like, "You should know me," right? Like, "How do you not know me? How do you not know what I want?" That's a desire to be understood, and these five love languages make it simpler. So I'm gonna share these six steps with you today

• 12:50Jay Shetty?

  on how to actually understand, how to process, practically apply. I wanna share some stories from my own life, mistakes I've made, things I've got right and wrong. And hopefully, these will help you actually process them in your own life.

• 13:07Jay Shetty?

  Before you understand their love language, you have to understand yours. And this is one of the biggest mistakes sometimes we make. We try and understand and learn someone else's language without actually understanding our own deeply. And the reason for this is if you don't do the deep work to understand yours, you won't realize the value of knowing. You won't realize how deep it is and how important and significant it is. And you may not be able to help the other person uncover what theirs is if they're new to this concept, or if it sounds a bit alien or woo woo to them. You want to help them realize that it's so much more deeper than that. The first step, before you understand their love language, you have to understand your love language. And a good way to reflect on this that I've found is

• 13:52Jay Shetty?

  asking yourself, what makes you happiest? Right? When you receive something from a partner, what is the one that feels the most satisfying out of everything you receive? And it's simple to just ask yourself, do I feel the most satisfied when I'm hearing words of affirmation? Right? When, when my partner says to me, I'm really impressed by you. What you're achieving is amazing. Right? Is that when you feel most satisfied, comforted, enthusiastic? Is it physical touch? Do you wish that your partner would hug you more? Embrace you more? Is it receiving gifts? Is it then when you get a surprise gift or you get a big gesture or a small gesture? Or someone brings home something on their way home for work?

• 14:34Jay Shetty?

  Is that what makes you feel like you're falling in love all over again? Or is it genuinely quality time? Or is it acts of service? Now, you may be sitting there going, Jay, it's all of them, right? I want all of them. Well, see, that means that we lack some self-awareness. Because if it's all of them, right? It is all of them in some cases. But the truth is, the way to really apply it is to put them in a priority order. So of course, we like all of them. I like all of them too. But we have a priority order which we want to figure out. Now, one of the things Gary Chapman says that he talks about is You know, what is it that when your partner does it or doesn't do it,

• 15:18Jay Shetty?

  that it causes you some pain? Like, for example, when they miss your birthday, when they miss an anniversary, when they don't congratulate you on something, or when they don't embrace you, right? Which one causes you pain? So just as I ask you to focus on what brings you joy, ask yourself what causes you pain, right? Or what is missing from your relationship? That can also help you understand your love language, right? What are you missing in that relationship? What connection are you lacking? What do you see yourself wanting? And sometimes it's not the want that we actually say to the person, right? Sometimes it's not actually the want that we say to the person. Sometimes we say to someone, "We want quality time," or "I wish you'd spend more time with me."

• 16:01Jay Shetty?

  But we have to ask ourselves, what are we saying in our minds, in our heads, that we're not even vocalizing to them, which is what we really want? For example, some of us would struggle to tell our partners, "I really wanted a big gift for my birthday," right? It sounds, not a gift, like on Instagram or Twitter, I mean a gift, right? A gift, like you'd feel awkward saying that because you think you sound materialistic. You think you sound needy. You think you sound demanding. But the truth is, you really want it. We have to learn to vocalize what we're not saying. Sometimes what we're asking for is not what we truly want. It's what we're not asking for that we want, right? Think about that carefully.

• 16:46Jay Shetty?

  In relationships, so often, what we're asking for is not what we truly want. What we're not asking for is what we truly want. Think about that for a moment.

• 17:01Jay Shetty?

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• 17:14Jay Shetty?

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• 17:59Jay Shetty?

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• 18:42Jay Shetty?

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• 19:17Jay Shetty?

  When you start to answer this for yourself, first, what causes you the greatest joy when you receive it? B, what causes you the greatest pain when you don't receive it? Ask yourself why and be really specific, right? Be really specific about why. And like I said, I want you to put the five in order for you because that means you've really thought about it, right? It means you've really thought about giving it a ranking, giving it a priority in your life. And I want you to be honest with yourself. Sometimes we feel uncomfortable saying, "I need words of affirmation." I know a lot of friends, male friends, who would feel that it would hurt their ego to actually tell their partner that they need to hear that they look good, that they need

• 20:01Jay Shetty?

  to hear that they're proud of the work that they're doing in their career and their promotion. But if you need it and you're not saying you need it, guess what? No one's going to read your mind. No one's going to figure it out, especially when you keep saying in every conversation, "No, I don't need it. I don't need anything. No, no, I'm fine. Like, no, don't worry about me."

• 20:25Jay Shetty?

  So it's so important. The first step is understand your own love language. You can't understand anyone else's unless you've done the work to understand your own, right? It's just not going to happen. So, think about that first. And I really want you to come back. You can take a screenshot of where we are right now, if you want to come back and do this activity, because this is the foundation of the rest of today's episode. The second step is understanding their language. And you can ask them to do the same reflection that you have. And this is why it's important that you do it, because if you've done it, you can now say, "Hey, this is how it worked for me. This is what I learned about myself. I really recommend trying this out."

• 21:11Jay Shetty?

  And you can help them understand theirs, right? What we don't understand is if you don't help them understand theirs, you will keep giving them yours if you don't know theirs, right? It's like paying someone euros when they live in the USA. That's what it means. Or it's like trying to speak to someone in Spanish when they speak Hindi, right? It doesn't make sense. That's what the mismatch of love languages is. If you walked up to someone and you didn't know what language they spoke and you just start speaking to them in English, but they're like, "I don't understand English." That's how it feels to not receive love in your love language. It's confusing. It lacks clarity. It's underwhelming.

• 21:56Jay Shetty?

  It's uninspiring, quite frankly, and you don't know how to engage with it. And that's why so many couples today are disengaged in their relationships because they're being spoken to in the wrong language. So take them through the same process. Ask them the same questions. Hey, what when I do it brings you the greatest joy? And what, when I make mistakes, causes you the greatest pain? Makes you feel the biggest lack? Makes you feel the biggest loss? The biggest emptiness that you feel in this relationship? So really take them through the process. Explain to them the five that exist and ask them to create a ranking order too. Now, so let me tell you about this with me and Radhi.

• 22:39Jay Shetty?

  So I grew up and my biggest love language my whole life has been gifts. That's been my number one, I'd say, is gifts. The second love language for me has definitely been, I'd say, words of affirmation, right? Words of affirmation have always been very important to me. I'm a verbal person. I'm an expressive person. I love sharing. Hence when, hence, I mean, this is a perfect example. When you share on Instagram saying how much you're loving the podcast, it means a lot to me. It deeply impacts my soul, right? So that's my second one. The third one, I'd say, that I feel the most love from is probably quality time.

• 23:24Jay Shetty?

  The fourth one is physical touch and the fifth is active service. So when I first met Radhi, I assumed that everyone loved or wanted to be loved in the same way I do. And I believed that love was certain things. So I believed that love was gifts and words of affirmation. So I would shower Radhi every anniversary, every birthday, every Christmas with gifts. And she'd never really quite loved them or get excited. Sometimes she'd give them back. Sometimes she'd be underwhelmed by them. Like she would be grateful, she'd always be grateful and she'd always be happy. But I could tell she wasn't joyful. And I'd be wondering, I'd be like, what do you mean?

• 24:09Jay Shetty?

  I spent so much money, I made so much preparation, I tried so hard. And I was like, ah, there's something, there's something wrong here. And I would think she was wrong. I would think she's not grateful and she doesn't care. And then I would always give her words of affirmation and they mean a lot to her. They're definitely important to her. And I could see that they were important to her. But also on my birthdays and et cetera, all the way back, she wouldn't give me gifts. So she'd cook for me, she'd make incredible meals for me and she'd spend quality time with me. And as I said to you, they were lower down on my priorities. So again, I felt unloved. I actually felt unloved and so often we can over amplify the issue. Until I realized that I was giving her what I wanted.

• 24:55Jay Shetty?

  Right? So that's step two. Step three, this one's so powerful. So many of our love languages are based on parental impact. Listen to this carefully. Our love languages, this is my personal reflection and what I've realized from trying to apply this. So many of our love languages are based on how our parents loved us or didn't love us.

• 25:24Jay Shetty?

  What our parents gave us either has become our priority, or what they didn't give us has become our priority. So for example, my mother would always make sure that she'd save up and buy me the one gift that I wanted in a year. And therefore, my love language became gifts. That was very important. And in Rani's home, they would always spend quality time together in acts of service. They'd cook together, they'd travel, you know, some sort of quality time. And so that became hers. So for so many of us, parental impact is the foundation of what we expect from our partners. What our parents did or didn't give us is what we expect from our partners.

• 26:10Jay Shetty?

  We're trying to use our partners to fill a void or to continue an experience that our parents created. And we have to look at that from the perspective of gaining a set of context, a higher view of why we function the way we function. And we also have to look at the negatives of that. How much are we demanding of our partners because we didn't receive it from our parents? And how much of it can we start giving back to ourselves? And I'm going to quote an earlier episode that I did at the end of last year called, "The Six Reasons We Need to Learn to Develop the Emotional Skills Our Parents Didn't Have." If you haven't heard that episode, I highly recommend going back and listen to it. But that's the third step. Don't forget parental impact.

• 26:54Jay Shetty?

  Take a look at how their parents and speak to them about it, and how your parents have impacted the love languages that you most value. Now here's the fourth step. This step is called "Go Deeper." What I mean by this is, it's really easy to look at this list and be like, "Okay, words of affirmation. I'm just gonna tell someone I love them every day." "Okay, physical touch. I'm just gonna give someone a hug every morning." "Okay, receiving gifts. I'll just buy them a gift for their birthday." "Okay, quality time. We'll just spend the weekend together." "Okay, acts of service. I'll make dinner, you know, once a week or once a month or whatever it is." And when it becomes like that, where it becomes like a technique... It loses the essence. It loses the real reason, it loses the real power of what it truly is. And that's what I'm saying, go deeper.

• 27:39Jay Shetty?

  Gifts doesn't just mean physical objects. Touch doesn't just mean a handshake or walking with your, you know, holding hands. The words of affirmations doesn't just mean throwing around words, right? It's so much more than that. And I'll give you an example. I, as I've grown older, gifts have become less and less important to me because if there is something that I really want, then I will purchase it for myself. And most things, you know, that most of my wants are like books and stuff like that. Or tech, I have quite a few tech objects. But as time's gone on, that's become less of a priority for me. So for Radhi to express love to me has become more interesting. Now, she has completely

• 28:22Jay Shetty?

  blown my mind with this principle and how deeply she's understood it. When we unpacked the love language I received from my mother of gifts. And I explained this to her, I realized it wasn't actually the gift. It was the surprise of a gift. My love language was actually surprise, not gifts. And so I'm not saying that they have to be huge gifts, huge surprises, but Radhi has totally outdone herself. And in the last two years, she did one surprise birthday party for me. And she also did one surprise party for me for my event that I did in L.A. last year. Now, let me give you context of the birthday party. I was told by my manager that we were going for a networking event.

• 29:07Jay Shetty?

  I really wasn't looking forward to it. I was pretty tired. And I go and I end up at this home thinking that we're going to go to this networking event and it might, you know, it happens to be my birthday party with all of my closest friends in L.A., loads of amazing people turned up and I'm so grateful. Same thing, I think I'm coming home from my event and I'm just going to be with her and she surprises me again. Now, what I'm saying here is it's not about the grandness of the gesture, it's about the depth of understanding. Gifts. Could be really surprise. Words of affirmation could be specific and congratulatory, and it could be better as a written letter. It could be better as a card. It could be better spoken. It could be better as a voice note. It's important to understand the difference. Quality time could be an experience.

• 29:52Jay Shetty?

  It could mean rest. It could mean a conversation. And acts of service may even just be offering to help, not even actually doing anything. So it's really important that each and every one of us take this step to go deeper on each of these affirmations. It's so easy to just try and practice them superficially that even that will not create the bond that we all truly want in our relationships.

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• 30:56Jay Shetty?

  Now, the fifth step. This is a huge one. Let's just come out from a conversation I was having with a friend on the weekend. And we were talking about just how our partners are not demanding. They're not always asking for stuff. They're not high maintenance. They don't want things all the time. But what I was, I made this point that that was a real like game changer for me, that someone may not demand something, but that doesn't mean they don't have a need or a want. And the way I'd love to explain this in simplicity is don't confuse apathy for simplicity. Being okay isn't being happy.

• 31:40Jay Shetty?

  Being okay isn't joyful. Being okay doesn't build a bond. So your partner may be okay with not having their love language. They may be fine, they may be neutral. But guess what? Okay, fine, and neutral are not exciting. They're not passionate and they're not full of love. If you want an okay, fine, and average, neutral, mediocre relationship, then you can continue to do nothing about what I'm saying. And you'll be like, well, my partner doesn't need anything. She or he is fine. They don't really ask for anything. They're, you know, they're, they're happy, they're satisfied, they're content already. When you live that way, you're confusing their apathy for simplicity. I'll give an example.

• 32:25Jay Shetty?

  I'm fine, you know, for a weekend if we didn't do anything. But I love experiences. So I'm fine if we stay at home on the weekend. But if we go cycling or we go for a walk on the beach, I'm happier. It's a preference. And that's the point. I'm not unhappy if we don't go, but I am happier if we do go. Notice the difference. People don't have to be unhappy for you to learn their love language. Because it's all about how much can we increase joy and increase happiness, rather than how much can we decrease pain? Right? Sometimes we get so lost in our relationships about decreasing pain or saying, oh, there is no pain. But is there joy is the question. Is there happiness is the question that you really should be asking.

• 33:08Jay Shetty?

  So I may be okay with no travel or no dinners, but I'd be happier with them. And remember, this is not about a financial ability. This is all about experiences, love, and what is possible. And the sixth and final step is things don't replace love languages. Gifts, money, showing off, random travel, none of this can be a substitute for deeply understanding the love language of your partner. If you think you can use any of these things as a cover up, you're, you're in for a, in for a tree of realizing it doesn't work. And often we can waste time, money, and energy thinking that we can patch things up

• 33:53Jay Shetty?

  because of this incredible lifestyle we live or incredible thing that we do. And it doesn't work like that. It really doesn't work like that. Don't take these lightly. Don't underestimate the power of these love languages and don't underestimate the power of these six steps that I've shared today. The first one is understand yours. The second is understand theirs and help them understand theirs. Remember, it may be a process to get them there. They may not know how to unpack it. You have to be patient and support them. Number three, don't underestimate parental impact and make sure you discuss that. Four, go deeper. Don't just accept them at surface level. Number five, don't confuse being okay with being happy and joyful.

• 34:37Jay Shetty?

  And number six, don't try and substitute this with anything financial, material, or anything like that sort, because it won't work. These are the six steps on how to understand your partner's love language and improve your communication radically. I can't wait for you to start implementing these. Make sure you share what you learned from today's episode, what's gonna stay with you, what you're gonna practice and what you're gonna experiment with. Make sure you leave a review and subscribe to the podcast. I can't, can't wait to hear your feedback on this one. I hope this one helped. I hope you appreciate it. So much love. Thank you for listening to On Purpose. I'm so grateful. I'll see you again next week.