3 Things To Do If You're Still Not Over Your Ex

Do you find yourself thinking about your ex often? What has been the hardest part of moving on for you? Today, Jay taps into the emotional complexities of getting over an ex and provides actionable steps to move forward. Drawing on insights from neuroscience and psychology, Jay explains why it's entirely normal to struggle with letting go of a past relationship, even if it's been months or years. The emotional pain we experience after a breakup, he explains, is comparable to drug withdrawal, highlighting the deep biological connections we form with our partners. One of the most impactful ideas Jay shares is that clinging to the past steals energy and time from the future. By ruminating over what could have been, we rob ourselves of the opportunity to build new experiences and relationships. Ultimately, Jay’s message is clear: while it's natural to struggle with letting go, the key to healing lies in breaking old patterns, embracing new habits, and shifting our focus toward growth. If you or someone you know is struggling to move on from a past relationship, this episode offers practical tools and compassionate advice to help start the journey toward healing. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Heal by Changing Your Environment How to Replace Emotional Attachment After a Breakup How to Shift Focus from the Past to the Present How to Build Confidence Without External Validation How to Move On by Breaking Old Patterns Trust that with patience and self-compassion, you will find the strength to not only move on, but to thrive in ways you never imagined. You deserve the love and happiness that comes from within—keep moving forward, you're stronger than you know. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:29 What to Do If You’re Still Not Over Your Ex? 04:11 What Research Shows About Breakups 07:20 #1: Change Your Environment 13:26 #2: Identify What You’re Missing: Habit or Emotion 17:18 #5: Focus on Building Your Life See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells, Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. And if you've been thinking about a wardrobe refresh, this can make it feel a little more worthwhile. You're not just letting go of clothes, you're getting more value from what you already have.

• 0:43Jay Shetty?

  Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. This episode is brought to you by Mazda. Confidence isn't something Mazda finds, it's something they practise. That's the thinking behind every Mazda. With proactive safety features designed to help keep you more aware, more connected, and more engaged with the road ahead. It's why Mazda has been named Consumer Reports' safest new car brand and has won more 2026 IIHS Top Safety Pick+ Awards than any other car brand as of July 2026. Visit www.iihs.org to learn more. A lot can happen when an accident doesn't. Visit MazdaUSA.com to learn more.

• 1:29Jay Shetty?

  Consumer Reports does not endorse products or services. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs.

• 2:15Jay Shetty?

  And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and is clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. Are you looking for more purpose? Do you care about living a life of wellbeing? Are you interested in universal wisdom and spirituality? If you answered yes to any of these questions, I think you'd love my personal newsletter, Weekly Wisdom.

• 2:56Jay Shetty?

  I've been sending it out every Thursday for the last four years. I cover a wide variety of topics that contribute to our daily wellbeing and happiness. Relationships, self-love, spirituality, confidence, work and career, heartbreak, emotional intelligence, and so much more. The goal here is simple. I want you to be able to read this newsletter every week and feel a little better about whatever you're going through in your life, and a little more healed from the things that have hurt you in the past. If I write just one sentence that helps you in any way, then I will have done my job well. If you'd like to start receiving my newsletter in your inbox every Thursday, just go to

• 3:40Jay Shetty?

  jshettynewsletter.com. That's jshettynewsletter.com. The newsletter is 100% free and you can unsubscribe at any time. I hope you'll join me on this journey, sending you so much love.

• 3:56Jay Shetty?

  You know you're with the right person when they don't rely on you for everything and you don't rely on them for everything. They love the fact that you have other friends, other connections, family members that you open your heart to. And you respect the fact that they have people in their life that they turn to. You don't feel insecure about the fact that they opened their heart to someone else but you. And they don't feel upset about the fact that you may share your heart with someone else. Because what you truly want is for you and the other person to feel supported, feel cared for, and ultimately that you both want what's best for each other.

• 4:40Speaker 01

  The number one health and wellness podcast.

• 4:43Speaker 02

  Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty.

• 4:49Jay Shetty?

  Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for tuning in to another episode with me, your host, Jay Shetty. I am so grateful, so honored, and so happy that you chose to spend the next just under thirty minutes with me for one of our workshops. And today's session is all about what to do if you're still not over your ex. It might have been ten hours. It might be ten days. Maybe it's ten months, or maybe it's even ten years, and you're still not over your ex. You keep checking them up on Instagram. You're always asking your friends about what they're up to.

• 5:34Jay Shetty?

  Maybe you even go back and look at their Facebook account. Whatever it is, you're still obsessed. You're still connected and you're not able to truly move on. And when I talk about moving on, there's two types of moving on. One type of moving on is the type of moving on where we say we've moved on. When people ask us, we say, yeah, of course I've moved on. It's been ten years. It's been ten months. Come on, I'm over it. And then there's the moving on where the person becomes such a distant memory that we feel like it was another lifetime. Like they were with a completely different version of us. And that that part of us doesn't even exist anymore.

• 6:17Jay Shetty?

  And a lot of us want to get to that second place. That sounds enticing. It sounds exhilarating to think that maybe I could get to a point one day where the person feels like a distant memory. But I'm here to tell you this. It's absolutely normal to feel like you're not over your ex. It doesn't make you weak. It doesn't make you someone who's got it all wrong. It doesn't mean that you don't have a future. It doesn't mean that you'll never get over them, but it's extremely, extremely normal. And there's a lot of people who, after experiencing a breakup, can actually get sick. They can feel depressed.

• 7:01Jay Shetty?

  And research shows that that level of pain can actually be justified. It can actually be really difficult to move on from those feelings. And according to neuroethicist Nicole Vincent, the emotions you feel and build on in a relationship are brought about by a range of different neurochemicals. Now, this study blew my mind when I first read about it. So, listen to this carefully. Some of the things that you experience when you end a relationship are not dissimilar to the withdrawal from drugs and drug addiction. Take a second to recognize that.

• 7:44Jay Shetty?

  Detoxing from drugs and disconnecting from an individual can have some similar experiences. When you're detoxing from drugs, you almost feel this connection to this thing. And when you're disconnecting from a human, you feel like you're actually craving them. Right? There can be this craving, this yearning, this seeking, this searching, this wanting. And that's actually quite normal. Now, this statement is also supported by Professor Paxanos, who says, "The suspicion is that some of the same chemicals that are involved in other neural rewards, such as eating, are engaged in presumably something like the withdrawal from drugs

• 8:29Jay Shetty?

  is happening when the person loses the loved one." That's what he says. Now, Vincent categorizes relationship emotions into attraction, which brings up chemistry and those types of feelings, and attachment and affection. And attachment and affection, he says, were actually created to, from an evolutionary perspective, to keep couples together. So that they would actually stay together until the children were old enough to live by themselves. Fascinating to think about it from an evolutionary standpoint. Our chemicals were designed so that we would stay together so that the kids we have would

• 9:14Jay Shetty?

  be adults who could take care of themselves. Now, that blows my mind because it just shows us that when you go through a breakup, you're now dealing with this extreme breakdown of chemicals. So now I'm hoping you have compassion for yourself, you have empathy for yourself. You also have compassion and empathy for maybe your friend who just doesn't get over that breakup and you keep looking at them going, come on, get over it now, it's been a time. Right? Maybe you even sent this to a friend because you're like, hey, I think it's about time you got over that breakup. Well, this is the reality of how difficult it is. And due to the fact that humans are now living much longer, that attachment and affection

• 9:55Jay Shetty?

  actually stops earlier, which is why we experience more breakups. Now, this is really, really important because what Vincent points out is that if someone's addicted to drugs, one of the biggest changes required is their circumstances, their surroundings, their environment. And I think this is something we often underestimate. We often underestimate how much a change of scenery can change our lives, especially when that scenery is connected to memories, feelings, and emotions. So actually going away for a vacation, taking a three-day break, taking seven days and going

• 10:40Jay Shetty?

  and living with your friend who just moved to the other side of the city or moved to the other side of the country can be massively beneficial. Right? If you've gone through a breakup and you're finding it hard to shake it off, it's so important to change your surroundings, to change your environment, and so many of us underestimate the power of what that can actually do. Now, listen to this because I'm sure all of you have seen this before, that places can trigger bad memories. Because the brain associates the place with a traumatic event or an unpleasant experience. Now, in the dating sense, it might actually trigger a positive memory, right? Maybe you always used to go to this one restaurant for dinner.

• 11:25Jay Shetty?

  Maybe you used to always go to this one theatre. Maybe you had your first date on this one street, whatever it may be. Right now, whenever you're on that road, whenever you're in that restaurant, whenever you're going into that store, you're thinking of this person. And that now creates, that positive memory creates negative emotions. The negative emotion of, I'll never have that again. Oh, how amazing it used to be. Oh, how wonderful it was. And research shows that the brain stores sensory stimuli from events such as sights, sounds and smells. And when these sensory triggers are experienced again,

• 12:09Jay Shetty?

  the brain can actually reactivate the feelings associated with it. So if there was your favourite pasta or pizza that you used to have together, and now you smell it again, and all of a sudden it reminds you of that same emotion and experience. Right? And we all go through this, but we don't think about changing these simple things. Changing our environment changes our experience. Like, let me give you an example. It's nasty, but I have to be honest with you. I remember once going on a flight, and it was a long flight, like maybe it was like 10 hours. I think I was going from LA to London or something like that. And I ended up having a Thai green curry on the plane, and I think you already know where this is going.

• 12:53Jay Shetty?

  I had the worst food poisoning Pretty much immediately after we had the meal like when we just got on the flight. And for the next seven to eight hours, it was not cute. That's all I'm gonna say. It was not cute. And I must have visited the restroom like twenty times and I felt terrible for everyone else as well. I apologize if you were on that flight. Now, what happened was, I'm not kidding you, and and I was just constantly, I I remember shivering and I was like, I need them to bring me blankets and they had to, you know, they they kind of believed me by the end of the flight one hour before. I remember Radi holding the sick bag for me to throw up next to me.

• 13:36Jay Shetty?

  And the reason I'm telling you all of this is literally for the next week, whenever I got on a plane, I felt sick. And till this day, this was probably like five years ago, till this day, I can't eat Thai green curry. That's how the brain messes with environments, right? That's that's literally how it works. I I genuinely never wanna be around a Thai green curry. If you invite me over for dinner, no Thai green curry, right? And I like Thai food, so it's got nothing to do with that, but my memory now of that experience, that scent, the look, everything is from that flight. That's what our brain's doing in a really deep way when it comes to a pain or a pleasure that we shared with this person.

• 14:18Jay Shetty?

  We have the pleasurable memories and we then have pain because of the pleasurable memories. So changing our environment is everything. There's a reason why we say block the account on social media, unfollow, right? Don't go hang out with the same group of friends. Don't go drive past their house. Don't go drive past the where they work. Don't go and hang out at the places you usually go on to, because all of it will trigger some pleasurable memory, which then will create an unpleasant feeling because it reminds you of that which you don't have anymore. It's as simple as that. Break that pattern, break your habits, right? It's so important to break that pattern.

• 15:03Jay Shetty?

  Break that pattern of where you're traveling, break that pattern of what you're listening to, break that pattern of what you see, hear, smell, taste, everything. It's gonna break that mental pattern that you've got lost into.

• 15:17Jay Shetty?

  Okay, I am so excited about this because we've got the first ever merch drop for On Purpose. It's finally here. And for World Mental Health Today, we're doing an exclusive, limited edition drop with all the proceeds going to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, NAMI. So now you can wear your On Purpose merch, listen to the podcast, and know that you too are having an impact. I want to thank you so much in advance. I can't wait to see all of your pictures wearing the merch, their sweatshirts, a hat, t-shirts. Check it out on our website, jshettyshop.com. That's jshettyshop.com. And remember, 100% of the proceeds go to

• 16:02Jay Shetty?

  NAMI.

• 16:06Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need them most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit

• 16:46Jay Shetty?

  at indeed.com/podcast. That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980.

• 17:10Jay Shetty?

  That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colours, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision-making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbour, State Farm is there.

• 17:55Jay Shetty?

  Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state.

• 18:06Jay Shetty?

  Now, the other thing that we have to do after changing our environment, which by the way, I'm just really laying into because I don't think we do it enough. I think we say it, we hear it, and then we keep doing the same thing, going to the same places. But after that, we have to identify what we're missing. And we have to identify whether it's a habit or an emotion, right? Now, think about that. Sometimes what we're missing is the fact that every night at 8pm, that's the person we used to call. First thing in the morning, that was the first person we texted. That's a habit. We've built up a habit, and now our mind reminds us of that habit in that moment every single time.

• 18:49Jay Shetty?

  So when it hits 8pm, we're waiting for that call. We're now feeling all the emotions of not receiving that call, not hearing that person's voice, not hearing them say whatever we used to love hearing them saying. In the morning, when we wake up, we don't have that morning message. That's a habit that we're missing. And what we have to do is we have to replace that habit, otherwise our mind will simply spiral. Our mind will go round and round and round and round again and again and again because that habit is not fulfilled, right? It's as if, if you expected the episode of the podcast to drop and you were just sitting there pressing refresh. You were waiting for the next episode on Netflix to come out.

• 19:33Jay Shetty?

  For some reason, there was a glitch and you just kept pressing refresh. Right? That's what our mind does. It keeps pressing refresh and then nothing changes. Because that person's not magically gonna call. And now that habit is a cause for pain. We have to replace that habit. Who are you gonna text instead in the morning? Right? Who else are you gonna ask and say, can you please text me in the morning? So I have a text to look forward to. Who are you gonna call instead at eight P M? We have to find a replacement, a substitute for that habit. Because otherwise, that habit will turn into a spiral. Now, it may be an emotion that we miss. Maybe it was that you felt cared for. Maybe that person made you feel adventurous. Maybe that person made you feel confident.

• 20:18Jay Shetty?

  It's an emotional exchange that way maybe we've lost. We have to go and find that emotional exchange from ourselves, from someone else in our life and from an activity. Right? Going to create adventurous places. Going to try out. The reason why people say things like, try a new class, go to pottery class, try a new trainer, go to a new gym, work on yourself. It's really not the work on yourself. It's the fact that you're getting to experience that emotion from somewhere else. You're building your confidence rather than waiting for them to say you're confident. Right? You're building your own confidence and your own belief in who you are. Then letting someone else validate it. Let me do it.

• 21:03Jay Shetty?

  You're building your own confidence and belief in yourself, then letting someone else validate it. So identify, are you missing in habit? And replace it? Are you missing an emotion? Substitute it. These are great techniques and tools for you for the long term, even after a breakup. I often ask people to write down a list of what they really want in life. Emotions that you want, adventure, excitement, surprise, whatever it may be. And ask yourself, who in your life gives you that? And if you keep drawing it to the same person or to no one, go and build a new relationship that gives you that. Right, there are certain friends that I know are amazing for adventure. There are other friends that I know that are great for vulnerability.

• 21:46Jay Shetty?

  There are other friends that I know that are great to listen to me and hear me out. There are different friends for different things. And I think so many of us either rely on the same people for everything, or we rely on ourselves for everything. You know you're with the right person when they don't rely on you for everything, and you don't rely on them for everything. They love the fact that you have other friends, other connections, family members, that you open your heart to. And you respect the fact that they have people in their life that they turn to. You don't feel insecure about the fact that they opened their heart to someone else but you.

• 22:27Jay Shetty?

  And they don't feel upset about the fact that you may share your heart with someone else. Because what you truly want is for you and the other person to feel supported, feel cared for, and ultimately that you both want what's best for each other. I think one of the biggest things that we miss out on is that when you keep ruminating, when you keep spiraling, when you keep going round and round in circles, what you're doing is you're going deeper and deeper into what you don't have. And what you end up doing is taking up a lot of mental space, a lot of energy that is taken away now from new things and new opportunities.

• 23:07Jay Shetty?

  When we use our mental space to think about could have, would have, should have, what if, if this, if that, what we're doing is we're stealing time from a new person. We're stealing space from a new opportunity. We're stealing energy from a new life. Why would you ever steal from yourself? When we're more obsessed with the past. Rather than focused on the opportunities of the present, we're stealing from ourselves. We're stealing time, we're stealing energy, we're stealing growth. Don't be a thief in your own life. Don't steal from your own heart. That's what we have to realize we're doing when we're obsessed with an ex.

• 23:52Jay Shetty?

  We're stealing from our own life while they're building theirs. We're stealing from our own energy while they're sharing theirs. We're stealing from our future while they're living their present. Don't let a breakup break your connection with yourself. Focus on what actions you can take to build. Right? You will be less focused on the breakup if you're more focused on building. Does that make sense? We get so obsessed with the breakup that we forget to build. We forget to create. We forget to organize, we forget to develop. That's the opposite of breaking up. The opposite of breaking is building. What are you building? Are you building your career? Are you building yourself?

• 24:38Jay Shetty?

  Are you putting the energy into building something? We're trying to manage the breakup, but what ends up happening if you're trying to manage the breakup is you just fall deeper into the breakup. The breakup is something that has to, to some degree, naturally over time be replaced by what you're building. It gets healed by building. If you just stay focused on the breakup for a long period of time, you actually take energy away from building. Now, if you're still not over your ex, I want you to know that you're not weak, you're not behind, and you have to remember that everyone who is today in a happy relationship

• 25:21Jay Shetty?

  once felt that they wouldn't get over their ex. It's such a natural feeling, it's such a natural emotion. It's so real and true. And everyone that you see today that has the life that you may want one day, at one point in their life felt that way about someone they went out with. And sometimes the reason why it's so hard is we feel We missed out on someone who is perfect for us. We missed out on someone who we feel had everything we ever wanted. But here's the thing, they didn't have the one most important thing that you want. And that is, they didn't want what you wanted. You can want someone all you want.

• 26:05Jay Shetty?

  Someone can have everything you want. Someone can be everything you want. But if they don't want what you want with them, they're not for you. They're not yours. If they don't want you, it doesn't matter how much they have everything that you want. And I promise you that that's the key part of a relationship. When someone truly wants to be with you, when someone truly wants to care for you. It doesn't matter how many amazing skills, abilities, qualities someone has. If they don't deeply want you, it will never have worked. It would never have flourished. It will never have thrived. I want to thank you so much for listening to today.

• 26:49Jay Shetty?

  I hope you'll share this with a friend who's really struggling. I know that this can be really heartbreaking and painful, and I hope you'll pass this along. I also hope you'll leave a review because so many of you have left so many beautiful ones. This was one recently that said, this is an amazing podcast with great information to help with any mental health challenges you're facing. Thank you so much for sharing that. This one said, this podcast emphasizes just being there and alongside them is the most important thing you can do to build resilient humans. What wonderful insight. Thanks so much. This one's really beautiful too as well. I have been watching this show for years and it has helped me so much throughout those years

• 27:33Jay Shetty?

  and continues to do so. I look forward to watching and listening every single week. Thank you so much for these incredible, incredible reviews. Please go ahead and leave reviews if you have a chance to as well. It makes a huge difference to podcasts. Thank you again for listening. I'm so grateful to you. And remember, I'm forever in your corner and always rooting for you. Thank you. If you loved this episode, you'll love my interview with Dr. Gabor Maté on understanding your trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.

• 28:09Speaker 03

  Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable. So a tree doesn't grow where it's hard and thick, does it? It grows where it's soft and green and vulnerable.