3 Relationship Routines that Successful Partnerships Use to Build Deeper Connection

Everyone talks about their personal goals in the new year. They want to change their routine to sleep more, or meditate, or try a new hobby. But what about changing and strengthening your relationship routines? On this episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, Jay offers 3 routines you can consciously co-create with your partner that will strengthen your bond and invigorate your relationship. If On Purpose inspires you, Jay’s exclusive Genius workshops and meditations will take your life to the next level. Go to https://shetty.cc/OnPurposeGenius to learn more. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on.

• 1:29Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose.

• 2:16Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells, Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. And if you've been thinking about a wardrobe refresh, this can make it feel a little more worthwhile. You're not just letting go of clothes, you're getting more value from what you already have.

• 3:00Jay Shetty?

  Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn.

• 3:12Jay Shetty?

  Burned out, busy, overwhelmed, overworked. These days, when we've got more priorities and tasks to handle than ever before, according to the BBC, while we don't necessarily have less free time than our counterparts in the 1950s, it sure can feel like it. That's in part because of technology creep. Because of all our notebooks, phones, and apps, we're more available than ever, so we have less uninterrupted time. When it feels like time and energy are just slipping away like sand, how can we prioritize tending to our relationships? Today, I'm going to give you three relationship routines that will give you the time and space to build a love that lasts.

• 3:56Jay Shetty?

  There are also tons of routines we can develop around our work. I often ask my guests about their daily and life routines, because to me, when they're created thoughtfully, routines are structures that set us up for success. Today, we're continuing with the theme of looking at one chapter each week from my book, Think Like a Monk, and going in deeper. This week, we're on chapter six, which is all about how we can develop routines that will enable us to train our brains and direct our lives to achieve our goals and to feel greater meaning and satisfaction. Here's a short passage from the chapter "That's My Inspiration For Today's Podcast." "In the ashram, we started each morning in the spirit of the day we planned to have,

• 4:40Jay Shetty?

  and we trained ourselves to sustain that deliberateness and focus all day long. Sure, that's all fine and good if your daily schedule involves prayer, meditation, study, service, and chores, but the outside world is more complex." One of the biggest differences between life at the ashram and life in the outside world, and it's a huge one, is that at the ashram monks are celibate. Now, as a former monk, I'm married, and so my entire life is bound to this other very wonderful person who I absolutely adore and love. And reflecting on that made me start to wonder, we talk so much about individual routines and creating and setting those with intention, but what about relationship routines?

• 5:23Jay Shetty?

  And a lot of people don't want to have relationship routines because they think it takes out the spontaneity, it leads to monotony, and it leads to feeling the same and getting bored. But actually, routines make space for spontaneity, structure. As Kobe Bryant told me on the podcast when he came on as a guest, lots of love to him and Gianna and the family, he said that "structure creates spontaneity."

• 5:51Jay Shetty?

  So today, we're going to look at how you can use the science of routines to support your relationships. Now, I know that for some of you, especially those of you who've been together longer, might be thinking, Jay, the problem is that too much of our relationship is routine. We need to mix it up. If that's the case, you probably don't have so much routine in your relationship as bad or boring habits, things you're doing unconsciously. Horace Mann, who was an American educator, once said, "Habit is a cable. We weave a thread each day, and at last, we cannot break it." Now if those habits you've developed are unintentional and negative ones, that cable would seem harsh and restrictive, right? But what if you could create thoughtful and positive habits that help to weave a cable

• 6:35Jay Shetty?

  of deep connection and trust between you and your partner? Today, we're going to talk about the routines you can consciously co-create that will strengthen your bond and enliven your relationship. Now, just a note before we dive in, I'm going to focus on romantic relationships, but for those singles out there, don't worry, I'm also going to include some specific advice and insights for you. And of course, this can be applied to friendships too. So for starters, when we're building routines, we want to focus on the outcome we're trying to create. Now, on this show, I've had the honour and pleasure of talking to relationship researchers and experts John and Julie Gottman, founders of the Gottman Institute. And if you missed that episode, go and check it out because it's filled with incredible insights and advice. One of the things John Gottman has uncovered in his decades of research on couples is

• 7:20Jay Shetty?

  that there's a critical ratio that has a massive impact on determining whether our romantic relationships succeed or fail. That ratio is five to one. And what those numbers mean is that for every one negative interaction you have with your partner, you want to have at least five positive ones. If your average is lower than that, if you say three positive interactions per negative one, or if you have more negative interactions than a positive one, according to the data, your relationship is not likely to succeed. So, knowing this, I'm going to say, let's create that as our intention in building these relationship routines to support positive interactions in our relationships and get that number up, okay? That's our goal.

• 8:03Jay Shetty?

  Here's an idea, take a sticky note and put it on the refrigerator or the bathroom mirror, or if you have something like a whiteboard or a chalkboard or a bulletin board in your home, tack up a note that just reads five to one. That will remind you both of your why for training these new routines into habits. Now, have you ever done that thing where at the end of the year, you look forward to the next year and you kind of set some goals and you plan some things out? Or maybe you're starting a new project and you have to map out a way to get there? So what do you do? If you want to be successful, you break it down into smaller chunks, right? You look at, "What's my end goal?", then you look at, "What are the incremental pieces or steps I need to take to get there?" For us today, we just established our end goal.

• 8:48Jay Shetty?

  We want our ratio of 5 to 1, positive to negative interactions. Even more positive if we can manage it, because we want to feel long-term meaning and connection in our relationships. We don't just want to be in our relationships, we want to enjoy them, to feel seen and heard and supported. So how are we going to get there? Just like with a work or personal goal or project, we're going to break your new relationship routines down into the things that you need to do daily, weekly or monthly, and seasonally to reach that 5 to 1 goal, or better. Now you might say, "Jay, that sounds like a lot, and I'm already busy, I'm already feeling overwhelmed with work or the kids or just with life.

• 9:30Jay Shetty?

  How am I going to institute all of these new relationship routines and stick with them?" I get it. So many of us are feeling overwhelmed. But there are two things. First, we're going to make these routines simple. These will be things that you can actually do, that won't take too much time or money or other resources. And here's the second thing. These routines are designed to pay you back. The time you invest in them will actually make deposits in your bank account, into your relationship account, and into your personal account. You'll actually feel more connected with one another, and so by doing these routines, you'll feel more resourced and energized. So let's start with one relationship routine you can practice every day. Now remember, you can always add more daily routines,

• 10:15Jay Shetty?

  but I encourage you to start small, because if you take on a ton of new routines all at once, you could feel overwhelming and you won't keep them up. Before I get to the daily routine, I'm going to tell you a story. This was something I came across on a website the other day, on a page of anonymous people telling stories of moments that impacted them, and I really loved this one. One day, a young man was walking near a transport underpass when he saw an elderly woman shuffling along, carrying a shopping bag full of groceries in each hand. As she approached the stairway, he hurried towards her. "Ma'am, can I help you?" he asked. "Thank you," she said, and let him take the bags and hold her elbow while he walked her up the ladder. When they reached the top, she said, "Young man, can I trouble you with another favor?" She turned and pointed down the street.

• 11:01Jay Shetty?

  "Would you mind walking me to the far corner of that intersection? It's just that I'm in a hurry. Every time I go out, my husband likes to meet me at the corner near our house. He'll be there soon and I don't like to keep him waiting." The young man nodded. "Sure," he said, and walked her down the block and through the intersection to the opposite corner. Just as they were approaching the corner, sure enough, from the other end of the block, an old man shuffled towards them. As he approached the young man, you could see that the older man was nearly blind. When the old woman told her husband about the young man's kindness, the old man turned to him, shook his hand, and thanked him. As the young man walked home, all he could think about was his girlfriend and how he never met her at the corner or anywhere. He never helped her with the groceries.

• 11:45Jay Shetty?

  He sometimes didn't even look up from the television when she came home, instead just muttering "hey."

• 11:52Jay Shetty?

  What do people so often say about relationships? And what's truly meaningful? It's the little things, right? The old man meeting his wife at the corner was no longer a little thing because of their physical challenges. It had become a big thing, but it was a routine that had started as a little thing many years before. So that's going to be your daily relationship routine. Make time for one little thing. That's a really big thing. And this routine will take you literally only one minute. You're going to stop what you're doing, put down your phones, and have no other distractions, and this is all you're going to do. You're going to look into one another's eyes and say something kind to the other person, like an expression of gratitude, appreciation, or affection. You can even hold hands if you want.

• 12:37Jay Shetty?

  That's it. First one goes, then the other. I've been practicing this in my life unconsciously for years. I've noticed that whether it was my mother cooking for me, or my father, or whether it was my sister, or my wife, or a friend, I would always, always appreciate my gratitude for the work that went into it. I've never been a cook, and I find it very difficult. So I really realize how much effort goes into cooking. Just thanking someone for the effort and time they've put in, even if it's interacting, the way they interact with your children, the way that person comes home from work in a positive mood, whatever it may be, just notice that and be specific. I often talk about the importance of being specific

• 13:21Jay Shetty?

  when it comes to gratitude, and science backs that up. In an analysis of 91 different studies on gratitude, researchers found that when someone expressed gratitude about something specific, instead of something more general, the person they expressed their gratitude to was more likely to pay it forward, to go out and make a contribution to the world at large. It's great to tell someone I love you, or I appreciate you, but if you're really specific, your words are more impactful and memorable. They also help you learn what words and actions your partner values most. So when you do your little thing, when you have your focus minute together, say something like, "I really appreciate how you read books to the kids late at night, so I could go to bed a little earlier. Thank you."

• 14:04Jay Shetty?

  Or "I'm grateful that you took the car in for an oil change, so I could take that Zoom call. That was really helpful, and I like that you're such a great teammate in that way." Or "I just want to tell you that this sweater you're wearing really shows off your eyes, and they're one of my favorite features of yours." This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup, and more, so you can shop with peace of mind.

• 14:48Jay Shetty?

  Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are.

• 15:34Jay Shetty?

  But it can be challenging to balance style, budget and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated calm space for my morning meditation and reading, but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding but could also stand up to daily use. I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favorite place to anchor my day. The quality is incredible, it's built to last, and it completely shifted the energy of the room. Plus, you can shop with Wayfair Verified, where product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality, so you can shop with more confidence. And if putting it all together sounds like a headache, Wayfair can handle delivery, installation and assembly. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase

• 16:18Jay Shetty?

  and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home.

• 16:31Jay Shetty?

  Hey, I get it. Creating a new routine, even a simple one, can be hard. Science shows that when we link a new routine to something we already do, it's easier to maintain. So try linking your focused minute to something you already do and they already do. Maybe you do it when you're drinking your coffee or tea in the morning, first thing after you wake up, or while you're eating breakfast, or if it works better before you go to bed. Just be sure to give it 100% undivided attention each time for that minute.

• 17:03Jay Shetty?

  So, those of you with kids, you might have to sneak into the bathroom or a closet together to get that minute alone, but it's worth it. It really doesn't take much. And again, it has a huge impact. A lot of the time when we talk about advice for couples, we talk about the importance of dialogue and open communication. And that's true. But what's also true is that you've been struggling as a couple. Or if you've each been carrying a lot of individual stress, it can be really hard to just put everything aside and try to have a deep, meaningful conversation all of a sudden.

• 17:35Jay Shetty?

  Vivek Murthy, who is a physician and a former surgeon general of the US, says relational context is the foundation of dialogue. He says it's hard, if not impossible, to sit down and have a truly open-minded and meaningful talk with someone unless you already have a connection. This simple daily routine creates brief moments of meaningful, ongoing connection so that when it's time to have a deeper discussion, it's easier.

• 18:03Jay Shetty?

  Now, that's your daily routine. So on to your weekly relationship routine. I bet you know what I'm gonna say because this is the advice that's all over the place. Have a weekly date night, right? But are date nights all they're cracked up to be? A group of researchers analyzed data from nearly 10,000 married couples to find out how often they had date nights and how long each stayed together. They found that 11% had a weekly date night, 30% had a monthly date night, 23% said they had somewhat of a routine date night, but it was less frequent than once a month, and 36% said they hardly ever had a date night. So which couples do you think lasted the longest? Over the next 10 years, the couples who stayed together were those who had a date night once a month. And get this,

• 18:47Jay Shetty?

  those who had a weekly date night had the same odds of staying together as those who hardly ever had a date night. Now, that might sound counterintuitive, but to some of you, it probably makes sense. After all, the researchers noted that some couples said planning a weekly date night was just too much pressure. They had to come up with what to do. They had to spend money. Many couples had to find a babysitter. And for others, they genuinely had too many other demands on them to make a weekly date possible. So let's break down this idea of a date night and see what routine we can create that is truly positive for your relationship.

• 19:27Jay Shetty?

  Here's the thing. A routine is like a frame, and a frame by itself is, well, empty. It's what you fill it with that matters. Are you going to fill your frame with someone beautiful and thoughtful? Or with a print of dogs playing poker? Routines are great because they create a structure in which something else can happen. But the quality of that something else is up to you. A structure creates priority, but its content creates passion. It's not just about having date night. It's about the quality of the time you spend together. Sometimes, date nights are performative, right? They serve as something you just check off on your list or post a pic on Instagram, and they lack meaningful effect in your relationship. Some people absolutely love their weekly date night. And if that's you, that's great.

• 20:12Jay Shetty?

  Keep it as your routine. But for the rest of you, if you've never tried date night or a weekly date night is just not realistic or creates too much pressure, instead, try a weekly or monthly playdate. One of the things that's really hard on relationships is falling into ruts. Plus, everyone's so busy and burned out these days. One thing we could all use a lot more of is fun and play. So whether it's playing a board game together, doing an escape room, going to a party together, even Zoom happy hour, where you socialize as a couple, playing tennis or another sport, as long as you don't get too competitive, or even taking some of your kids' building blocks and building something together, or coloring, finding something fun and low stakes that doesn't have pressure or heavy expectations tied to it, although Lego can get pretty serious.

• 20:57Jay Shetty?

  And the thing I also love about a lot of these ideas is that so many of them are totally free. You can also make them time limited if you need to. Spend 30 minutes doing a puzzle together, if that's what you have. And be creative. Something will work for you.

• 21:17Jay Shetty?

  One couple I know had two very young kids and had recently moved across the country. So they had no one they knew and trusted to babysit. Some days, they said, it was like there were so many demands and interruptions, it was impossible to just connect with one another about something other than the kids or the house. Now, though they went to sleep at different times, they both are avid readers. So the solution they came up with was to create their own two-person book group. It actually happened by accident when one bought a book on Kindle and mentioned she was going to read it. And her partner said, "I'd actually like to read that too." So they read it at the same time. They found that in spare minutes here and there, like over breakfast, they'd start talking about it. Like, "What part are you at?

• 22:03Jay Shetty?

  And what did you think when this happened?" It became a little bonding thing they were doing, and they both really enjoyed. And two years later, they're still doing it. They've now read fifteen books together.

• 22:15Jay Shetty?

  The other thing you might have noticed is that all of the suggestions I've made are offline. That's because these days we spend so much time with our technology. It's like our phones and computers steal our attention from one another. When we unplug, we bring our full attention to the other person and the activity we're participating in. And single tasking is not only good for your relationships, it's good for your brain. It helps you focus and be more mindful and present overall. Now, lastly, on to those less frequent routines. A common suggestion is to take an annual trip together, and that's a great idea. But for one, it's just not accessible or realistic for everyone. I have a little bit of a different take on it, and that's to have a routine for something you do together every season.

• 22:59Jay Shetty?

  So that's four things a year that are specific to that season. Now, those things will differ for you based on culture and what the weather's like in your part of the world at different times. But for example, I have friends who, every fall, drive down a particular road called Skyline Drive to see the leaves changing colour. They put on fun music and just enjoy the spectacular scenery together. I have other friends who have a special cookie-making day every Christmas. It's not just a routine, but a ritual they look forward to every year.

• 23:31Jay Shetty?

  One of the things I love about this is that like nature, relationships have a rhythm. Everything there is a season, as the song says. Having things you do together seasonally helps you connect in a way to larger rhythms of life and the passage of time. And over the years, you can reflect on these repeated experiences and also discuss some of the things that have changed in your relationship, for better, for worse, since the last time.

• 23:58Speaker 01

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' healthcare to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the House Majority PAC dot com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.

• 24:29Jay Shetty?

  You can take the opportunity to look at what you'd like to keep and give gratitude for and what you'd like to release from your relationship.

• 24:39Jay Shetty?

  Now, singles, I promised I'd have something for you and I haven't forgotten. Here's the cool part, and something I really encourage you to do. You can tend to your relationship with yourself in these exact same ways. Being single is an incredible opportunity to do something that so many of us really do, which is to spend the kind of time and attention on ourselves we sometimes wish another person would spend on us. But here's the beautiful thing. When you actually cultivate a powerful, loving, and supportive relationship with yourself, when you do get into a relationship with another person, you're then coming into it from a more empowered and balanced place. So you're more likely to have a relationship that's healthy and that lasts, because you aren't looking to this one person to meet all of your needs. You're already happy.

• 25:24Jay Shetty?

  So daily, take that minute to look at yourself in the mirror and say something supportive or kind to yourself, or acknowledge something you appreciate about yourself. Weekly or monthly, have a playdate with yourself. Do something engaging and fun, and have a special routine of something you do every season that you enjoy and that can also serve as an invitation to reflect on what in your life you want to keep and what it might be time to let go.

• 25:52Jay Shetty?

  So those are three relationship routines designed to increase the quality of your relationship. Something every day, something every week, and something every season. Make sure you tag me on Instagram with your best insights from this podcast. I can't wait to see what you've learned. I'm so grateful to each and every one of you for being a member of the On Purpose community. Make sure you subscribe to the podcast and please leave a review. It makes a huge difference. I love our audience. I love our community. I can't wait to be able to tour and meet you all and do this in person with you. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose. Sending you all so much love.

• 26:31Jay Shetty?

  Hey guys, this is Jay again. Just a few more quick things before you leave. I know we try to focus on the good every day, and I want to make that easier for you. Would you like to get a short email from me every week that gives you an extra dose of positivity? Weekly Wisdom is my newsletter where I jot down whatever's on my mind that I think may uplift your week. Basically, little bits of goodness that are going to improve your wellbeing. This short newsletter is all about growth and sending positivity straight to your inbox. Read it with a cup of tea, forward it to a friend, and let these words brighten your day. To sign up, just go to jayshetty.me and drop your email in the pop-up. If you have trouble finding it, just scroll to the very bottom of the page and you'll see the sign up. Thank you so much, and I hope you enjoy my weekly wisdom newsletter.

• 27:20Jay Shetty?

  This podcast was produced by Dust Light Productions. Our executive producer from Dust Light is Misha Youssef. Our senior producer is Juliana Bradley. Our associate producer is Jacqueline Castillo. Valentino Rivera is our engineer. Our music is from Blue Dot Sessions. And special thanks to Rachel Garcia, the Dust Light Development and Operations Coordinator.

• 27:57Speaker 01

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' health care to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Pay for by HMP, theHouseMajorityPact.com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.