Jay & Radhi Talk About Icks vs. Red Flags (How to ACTUALLY Know the Difference)

In this fun and unfiltered episode, Jay and Radhi dive into the world of “icks,” those oddly specific little turn-offs that make us cringe for reasons we can’t quite explain. From baby voices and socks with sandals to the blurry line between confidence and cockiness, they laugh their way through the most random dating deal-breakers and what they secretly reveal about us. Amid the jokes, they slip in a few truth bombs too, like how we sometimes use icks to avoid real vulnerability. It’s light, hilarious, and uncomfortably relatable, because honestly, we’ve all had an ick… and we’ve definitely been someone else’s. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Tell the Difference Between an Ick and a Red Flag How to Communicate Honestly About What Bothers You How to Recognize When You’re Using an Ick as an Excuse How to Appreciate Imperfections in the People You Love It’s easy to get caught up in small things that bother us, but true connection isn’t built on perfection, it’s built on patience, humor, and understanding. Everyone has quirks, and sometimes those quirks are what make relationships real. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 00:19 What is an Ick? 03:07 The Funniest Icks 05:21 How Seriously Should People Take Icks? 09:39 Can You Get Over an Ick? 12:55 Personal Hygiene is Important 14:26 Arrogance Versus Confidence 15:40 Childishness and Immaturity 17:25 Is It Just Poor Communication? 21:43 Top 5 Icks Men have About Women 23:38 The Guy with a List (@wyszkay) Episode Resources: Radhi Devlukia | Website Radhi Devlukia | YouTube Radhi Devlukia | Instagram Radhi Devlukia | Facebook Radhi Devlukia | TikTok Joyfull A Really Good Cry See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

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• 2:22Speaker 01

  One of my biggest icks is when they like wake up and they're confused.

• 2:27Speaker 02

  If they play games on their phone. When he posts on social media. Grown men shouldn't wear earrings.

• 2:33Speaker 03

  Don't message me saying, "When am I taking you?" I'm not.

• 2:41Jay Shetty?

  How seriously should people take icks?

• 2:43Speaker 04

  They should be seen as more of a funny thing, not something that actually puts them off their partner.

• 2:47Jay Shetty?

  Do you ever get over a ick?

• 2:50Speaker 04

  The more you like someone, the more you'll find the ick cuter.

• 2:53Jay Shetty?

  Everyone is gonna have something that gives you the ick.

• 2:56Speaker 04

  I remember one of my icks was at the beginning when we were dating.

• 2:59Jay Shetty?

  Go on.

• 3:00Speaker 04

  We used to do that. Oh my god!

• 3:02Jay Shetty?

  Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose with Jay Shetty, with my favorite person in the world, Radha Devlukia. And we're diving into topics about things that we talk about, things that we hear about from friends and family, things that you could talk about on a long car journey, after a long day at work, or maybe while you're out at dinner and you wanna have a chat about what's going on. So, today's topic is all about...

• 3:25Speaker 04

  Icks!

• 3:26Jay Shetty?

  Icks.

• 3:26Speaker 04

  Good old icks!

• 3:27Jay Shetty?

  I feel like the concept of icks didn't exist when we were dating.

• 3:32Speaker 04

  No.

• 3:32Jay Shetty?

  Or maybe they existed, but they didn't have that language. And if anyone's wondering, because you've been sleeping under a rock, what an ick is, the term ick refers to a sudden turn-off, or something that instantly kills attraction.

• 3:47Speaker 04

  Ooh, that's a harsh term.

• 3:49Jay Shetty?

  These aren't always rational, and they can vary culturally and individually, but there are common patterns reported in dating conversations, social media, and psychological observations.

• 4:00Speaker 04

  Wow, so official.

• 4:01Jay Shetty?

  When did you first discover what icks were?

• 4:04Speaker 04

  I don't know when, but I feel like now that it's got a name to it, I appreciate it because I've felt icks my whole life.

• 4:10Jay Shetty?

  Really?

• 4:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 4:11Jay Shetty?

  What, like when you were dating back in the day?

• 4:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 4:13Jay Shetty?

  You never dated anyone apart from me?

• 4:15Speaker 04

  What? Ix definite, I definitely felt icks throughout my life. I've probably felt a few icks with you.

• 4:20Jay Shetty?

  What do you mean?

• 4:21Speaker 04

  What, we spoke about this.

• 4:22Jay Shetty?

  What?

• 4:23Speaker 04

  We've had icks with me. So many icks. But icks doesn't mean that you don't love someone.

• 4:28Jay Shetty?

  Right.

• 4:29Speaker 04

  Ix just means you're like, oh, maybe, you know, don't do that around me.

• 4:32Jay Shetty?

  Right.

• 4:33Speaker 04

  Yeah. You have icks with me.

• 4:35Jay Shetty?

  No.

• 4:35Speaker 04

  Was your ick with me?

• 4:36Jay Shetty?

  I don't.

• 4:37Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 4:37Jay Shetty?

  What?

• 4:38Speaker 04

  Anyway, is this about us?

• 4:39Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 4:40Speaker 04

  We're just having a general conversation about icks, guys. No, they came, the topic came about because we were in a car journey with my cousins. We were on our way back from the Drake concert. We had a long journey. And somehow we came onto the topic of icks within our relationships, but then also just generally, you know, there's a man with the ick list, which, the girl.

• 4:59Jay Shetty?

  That's mine. That's my favorite.

• 5:01Speaker 04

  The guy with the list.

• 5:02Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I love it. If you don't follow Guy With The List on TikTok.

• 5:06Speaker 04

  What a legend.

• 5:07Jay Shetty?

  I have no idea who he is. He is hilarious.

• 5:10Speaker 04

  He's brilliant and he just like, he finds all these things that women say, or men say are icks about men and women. And he puts them onto a really, really long list. So we started getting into it and let me tell you, we came up with some crazy ones. One of my cousins said that she thinks it's icky when her husband uses an indicator in the car. I don't even know how that's an ick, but that was an ick.

• 5:33Jay Shetty?

  Because? What was her reasoning?

• 5:35Speaker 04

  I don't remember.

• 5:36Jay Shetty?

  She said that it doesn't feel masculine.

• 5:37Speaker 04

  Masculine enough, yes. Someone else that I spoke to said that she finds it really icky when her husband cries.

• 5:45Jay Shetty?

  That's terrible.

• 5:47Speaker 04

  So not nice, but also just so funny that people put that on the ick list. Well, okay, it's obviously funny, but there's also a little bit of meanness and depth to it that people get turned off so easily these days. And I think it really, sometimes just by getting an ick, they won't go on a second date. I feel like, should we start off by reading some really funny icks out? Okay, so. Oh, when they run after a receipt that's blown away in the wind.

• 6:15Jay Shetty?

  Who does that?

• 6:17Speaker 04

  When they hold a limp umbrella in a strong wind.

• 6:22Speaker 04

  When they run with a backpack on and it bounces side to side.

• 6:29Speaker 04

  That's a really good one, I agree. When they, when they tried to get out of a beanbag chair and it takes a full twelve seconds.

• 6:36Speaker 04

  When they walk, when they call a waiter over but they walk right past them. These are all very good ones. There are some other really funny ones I do. What else do we, what else do we say in the car that was really funny?

• 6:47Jay Shetty?

  I don't remember the car ones at all.

• 6:49Speaker 04

  When they have allergies, that's so rude. When you're driving and they grab the bar, yeah, when you are the driver, when the girl's the driver and the guy gets scared and holds, holds the side of the car, that's icky. When they get carsick.

• 7:01Jay Shetty?

  I get carsick. That's not ick, it's a really sad thing to go through, actually.

• 7:06Speaker 04

  When they wear no-show socks. No.

• 7:10Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I agree with that one.

• 7:12Speaker 04

  Those little panty liner socks.

• 7:15Speaker 04

  They are awful. The thong socks is what we should call them. Awful, awful.

• 7:22Jay Shetty?

  Is that all you have to say?

• 7:24Speaker 04

  Well, look, I think icks are fair, but I also think that they should be more, seen as more of a funny thing, not something that actually puts them off their partner.

• 7:32Jay Shetty?

  I, I think it should end up becoming something that's endearing. Like you should go from thinking it's an ick to finding it a bit cute.

• 7:39Speaker 04

  You remember, I remember one of my icks was at the beginning when we were dating.

• 7:42Jay Shetty?

  Go on.

• 7:42Speaker 04

  When you used to do that baby voice with your mum and your sister. Oh my god. I cannot even hear it. Go on, do it, please.

• 7:50Jay Shetty?

  I'm not doing, I don't do it with anyone else.

• 7:52Speaker 04

  You do know it, though.

• 7:53Jay Shetty?

  I don't, only with my mum and my sister.

• 7:55Speaker 04

  Mum and sister, suddenly, I was in a room with all three of them and they're all doing this weird baby voice to each other. I was like, where am I and what is happening? Please just do it once.

• 8:06Jay Shetty?

  No, I don't do it anymore.

• 8:07Speaker 04

  Come on, show them to so they.

• 8:08Jay Shetty?

  I literally don't do it anymore because you.

• 8:11Speaker 04

  You actually don't do it that much, but you know what, you should be who you want to be.

• 8:14Jay Shetty?

  I don't do that anymore.

• 8:15Speaker 04

  But just don't do that voice around me.

• 8:19Jay Shetty?

  What what what are my icks about you, Bert? Yeah, what are my icks about you?

• 8:24Speaker 04

  Don't know, the beginning.

• 8:25Jay Shetty?

  Being late.

• 8:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 8:27Jay Shetty?

  That is an ick. That is a massive ick for me when people.

• 8:29Speaker 04

  Really?

• 8:30Jay Shetty?

  Massive ick. You can't be late.

• 8:32Speaker 04

  I've been an ick your whole life then, mate.

• 8:34Jay Shetty?

  Basically. What else?

• 8:37Speaker 04

  Skinny jeans. Skinny jeans are a b- skinny jeans. I was just checking if I was a geographer or not. Skinny jeans before I said it.

• 8:46Speaker 04

  Skinny jeans, big ick.

• 8:48Jay Shetty?

  Now they are. At one point they were fashionable. That's what it is about icks, that there was a time when the ick could have been fashionable. Like, I know one of our friends, her sister doesn't like men who wear jewellery.

• 9:01Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 9:02Jay Shetty?

  So that's what I'm trying to understand is like, how seriously should people take icks?

• 9:07Speaker 04

  I do. I think they should be taken with a pinch of salt, you know. I don't think you should take them too seriously, but I think if there are too many icks, you know they're not gonna find that person attractive. That's the problem. So either you have to work on your tolerance and what you find icky, and maybe some things like you not wanting your husband to cry in front of you, that may be therapy that's required. Not gonna lie. You may need to really work on that, but other things like, you know, flip flops with socks, you know, give a bit of leeway. Maybe just choose the shoes for your partner the next time they go out.

• 9:36Jay Shetty?

  All right, I'm gonna read out a list of icks and we have to decide on a scale of one to 10 how bad they are.

• 9:41Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 9:42Jay Shetty?

  All right.

• 9:43Speaker 04

  Or do we do a yes or no, is it an ick or not?

• 9:45Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, ick or not. Yeah, fine, ick or not. All right, chewing with their mouth open.

• 9:49Speaker 04

  Ick.

• 9:50Jay Shetty?

  The ick, for sure. Clapping when the plane lands.

• 9:56Jay Shetty?

  I like it.

• 9:56Speaker 04

  No, you know what, it's appreciation.

• 9:58Jay Shetty?

  We should be really happy when a plane lands. Like, it's it's an amazing thing. Yeah. Uh, not washing their hands after the bathroom.

• 10:05Speaker 04

  Ick, ick. That is all around ick. That's not subjective.

• 10:08Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. Asking to split a bill.

• 10:11Speaker 04

  I don't think that's an ick, but then I I, you know, I like being a self-sufficient woman.

• 10:15Jay Shetty?

  As a man, I've I always wanted to pick up the bill. I always did when we were dating originally as well. Like, it was always something that I've wanted to do. And so to me, ick.

• 10:24Speaker 04

  That's not an ick for me.

• 10:26Jay Shetty?

  Okay. Talking in a baby voice.

• 10:29Speaker 04

  As a grown arse man, absolute ick.

• 10:33Jay Shetty?

  I I get it now. Uh, using too many hashtags.

• 10:37Speaker 04

  Oh my gosh, what an ick. And I'm using too many emojis. As a, no, ick.

• 10:42Jay Shetty?

  Being too obsessed with astrology, like blaming everything on being a Gemini.

• 10:47Speaker 04

  Oh, that's a bit of an ick. Lots of girls do that. That's an ick.

• 10:50Jay Shetty?

  Bit of an ick.

• 10:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 10:51Jay Shetty?

  Bit of an ick. Taking mirror selfies at the gym.

• 10:55Speaker 04

  Well, no, okay, no, shall I tell you what? There's this girl that I've been seeing at the gym lately. I was like, wow, her body's amazing. She must work so hard. I swear I've not seen her lift one weight in the gym. All she does is come into the gym in beautiful outfits. She looks amazing. Takes pictures and leaves. So yes, if you're taking pictures after having done a hard workout, not an ick. If you're coming to the gym in a cute outfit just to take pictures without doing a workout, ick. Or another ick when the man looks in the mirror more than you do, ick.

• 11:22Jay Shetty?

  We don't have that problem, obviously.

• 11:25Jay Shetty?

  Poor grammar in texts. You're hot instead of you are hot. I I think poor grammar is pretty bad, yeah, but it's obvious.

• 11:33Speaker 04

  Air guitar when a guy does an air guitar.

• 11:35Jay Shetty?

  That is pretty embarrassing.

• 11:36Speaker 04

  Fake golf. Oh my god, eh, no. Or finger guns. Oh no.

• 11:43Jay Shetty?

  Uh, leaving voice notes that are four plus minutes long, massive ick. Do not leave me a voice note.

• 11:49Speaker 04

  Me and my friends do that.

• 11:50Jay Shetty?

  I hate it.

• 11:51Speaker 04

  But maybe not if it's someone.

• 11:52Jay Shetty?

  Voice notes are such a waste of time. It's like, so I really wanted to tell you this and I don't want this to be long.

• 11:57Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 11:58Jay Shetty?

  But I've been thinking about this and I'm thinking about one friend that does it.

• 12:01Speaker 04

  I know. Drinks cow's milk in a glass. Drinks cow's milk full stop. Ick.

• 12:07Jay Shetty?

  Using phrases like let that sink in too seriously.

• 12:11Speaker 04

  Calls women females.

• 12:15Speaker 04

  What the hell? Is he a biology teacher?

• 12:20Jay Shetty?

  My god. All right. Obsessing over a celebrity like they know them personally.

• 12:26Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 12:27Jay Shetty?

  I when I have friends that refer to celebrities by their first name that they don't know, it's an ick. Uh, referring to their ex as crazy with no context. You you're okay with that?

• 12:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm all right with that.

• 12:38Jay Shetty?

  Oh, gosh. So let's help people. Let's think about icks. What's our take?

• 12:44Speaker 04

  My take is. That um you should give.

• 12:48Jay Shetty?

  Oh wait, this is a better question.

• 12:49Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 12:50Jay Shetty?

  Do you ever get over an ick? Can you get over it? Like, did you get over the ick of me talking in baby voice? Or did I have to stop doing it?

• 12:59Speaker 04

  Make sure of both. I think the more you like someone, the less you'll find, like, the more you'll find the ick cuter. However, there are just some things that you're gonna have, that the other person's gonna have to just stop doing if they've, the partner finds it icky more than three times.

• 13:15Jay Shetty?

  So how do you tell someone, hey, I have an ick about this and that's the reason I haven't been texting you, that's the reason I haven't been, how, how do you do it?

• 13:23Speaker 04

  Chat G P T will give you a really great answer for that.

• 13:27Jay Shetty?

  No, but seriously.

• 13:28Speaker 04

  Yeah, how would you do it? I think, I think you could be really honest in saying that I really like you as a person, but when you wear socks and sandals, it really upsets me because I enjoy fashion and that to me doesn't look like fashion.

• 13:41Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 13:42Speaker 04

  But I would love to go shoe shopping with you.

• 13:44Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 13:44Speaker 04

  And help you find shoes that really work well with those socks, you know?

• 13:49Jay Shetty?

  I remember the scene in Nobody Wants This. Do you remember that show? So with, uh, what's his name? Adam Brody and Kristen Bell. And there's a scene where he comes over, but he's wearing shorts with a blazer.

• 14:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:02Jay Shetty?

  And she's got the biggest ick.

• 14:04Speaker 04

  Really?

• 14:04Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, because she hates the fact. He's wearing shorts with a blazer and it's like, the whole episode is like her spiraling, thinking, he's not the guy, I can't believe it. I'm gonna break up with him. Like, it becomes this massive thing. And then I think she tells him about it. And I think that is the reality of, if you flag it to someone, but what happens when that person says, well, this is who I am?

• 14:27Jay Shetty?

  Is that the end?

• 14:28Speaker 04

  I don't know. It depends how much that person really, how, how invested you are in that person.

• 14:33Jay Shetty?

  Right.

• 14:34Speaker 04

  I do think when they're, when you're, when you're basing dating someone off a few icks, and this is really putting you off to the point where you don't really want to be seen with them or want to hang out with them or it just, every time you're seeing them, you're feeling icky. It's probably a sign that their ick's, or if there's a few too many for you to be able to handle.

• 14:52Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I mean, my.

• 14:52Speaker 04

  You can't be icked out every, every day.

• 14:54Jay Shetty?

  For sure, but you've also got to know what your basic level of standards are too, because everyone is gonna have something that gives you the ick.

• 15:03Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 15:03Jay Shetty?

  And you're not dating the ick, you date a person. Who is like, do they respond? Do they show up? Do they call? Do they check in? Like, that's what you're doing. You're not dating the person whose backpack bounces when they run. Like, that's, you don't have to look at it.

• 15:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, give them a different bag. Tie in their backpack.

• 15:22Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 15:25Jay Shetty?

  But you don't have to watch that every day. Like, that's not your life. You know what I mean? Like, I, I think, I think today, people find icks to get out of something they want to get out of.

• 15:35Speaker 04

  Hmm, yeah.

• 15:37Jay Shetty?

  So it's like, it's like.

• 15:37Speaker 04

  It's an easy reason.

• 15:38Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it's an easy reason. It's a scapegoat. It's a, it's something you use to justify why you don't want to be with someone.

• 15:44Speaker 04

  Right, right.

• 15:44Jay Shetty?

  You just aren't attracted to them. You just aren't into them and you don't want to say that. So you end up coming up with this ick that justifies why you don't want to be them.

• 15:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, I think so. I think an ick is a good, easy way out.

• 15:55Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 15:55Speaker 04

  For sure.

• 15:56Jay Shetty?

  Jared Freed, who hosts the You Up podcast, who's a mate of mine, he says that men, like, an ick would never stop a man from dating someone. If they like someone, they like someone, doesn't matter, even if there's an ick. But from women, it's actually a lot more serious. Do you agree?

• 16:12Speaker 04

  Hmm, I think so.

• 16:13Jay Shetty?

  Why?

• 16:14Speaker 04

  But then I think, I wonder if, okay, let's say a girl's got bad breath. Is that not going to be an ick for a guy?

• 16:19Jay Shetty?

  No, of course it is.

• 16:20Speaker 04

  But it won't stop him from dating.

• 16:22Jay Shetty?

  I don't know. That's a question for Jared right there. I'm not sure. Like, I, I, I mean, for me, to me, that's more than an ick. To me, that's just bad hygiene. Like, I'm like, that's like a basic.

• 16:32Speaker 04

  Saying something else.

• 16:33Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, exactly. That's like a basic human thing that you'd want from everyone, let alone the person.

• 16:38Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's true. That's true.

• 16:39Jay Shetty?

  Right?

• 16:40Speaker 04

  Uh, yeah, I think women definitely are potentially pickier, I'd say, maybe, when it comes to things like that.

• 16:47Jay Shetty?

  Interesting. Well, I, I got up here, the top five icks women commonly have about men.

• 16:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, go on.

• 16:52Jay Shetty?

  Lack of hygiene or grooming.

• 16:53Speaker 04

  Oh, wait, that women have about men?

• 16:55Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 16:55Speaker 04

  Yeah, okay.

• 16:56Jay Shetty?

  Dirty nails, bad breath, or unkept hair can instantly kill attraction.

• 17:00Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 17:01Jay Shetty?

  Smelling bad or being generally unkept ranks high in surveys.

• 17:04Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 17:05Jay Shetty?

  However, I would say I know a lot of. Friends who are with guys who don't smell great.

• 17:10Speaker 04

  Oh, interesting.

• 17:12Jay Shetty?

  Number two is icks that women have about men, overconfidence or cockiness.

• 17:17Speaker 04

  Oh, that's a big ick, yes, bragging.

• 17:20Jay Shetty?

  Or acting like a know it all is often perceived as insecurity masked as arrogance.

• 17:25Speaker 04

  I like that. That's a good one.

• 17:27Jay Shetty?

  Let's talk about that. What is the difference between confidence and cockiness and confidence and arrogance for you?

• 17:33Speaker 04

  I think arrogance is when you are trying to prove to someone that what you're worth is, when you're trying to prove to someone that you are better than something else or someone else. And I think confidence is, you know, confidence, I just find it's so much quieter. It's like you just show up with energy that is you are supporting your own self. You're not trying to put other people down in trying to make yourself look better.

• 17:59Jay Shetty?

  Right.

• 17:59Speaker 04

  A lot of the time with arrogance, people are trying to put other people down or they're acting in a way that feels superior. I think that's the difference. Arrogance is superiority. Confidence is being able to carry yourself with respect for yourself.

• 18:13Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 18:13Speaker 04

  And I think you really see the difference when people are talking, acting, how they act towards other people, how they act towards you, the things that they say in conversation, even on a date. Like, it's so obvious when someone is cocky. And usually cockiness comes from insecurity, so.

• 18:28Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I I definitely think overconfidence arrogance is a turn off for everyone. I don't enjoy a conversation. It's it's not endearing. It's not impressive. You switch off really, really quickly.

• 18:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 18:39Jay Shetty?

  That makes a lot of sense. Number three is immaturity or childish behaviour. This includes playing too many video games, making crude jokes or being emotionally unavailable or avoidant. Those are all icks for women, like serious icks.

• 18:55Speaker 04

  Yeah, I think. The childish behaviour, it's interesting because I think some women actually, depending on what traumas they've been through when they've been younger, babying a man is what they've been used to or are attracted to.

• 19:09Jay Shetty?

  Interesting.

• 19:10Speaker 04

  A man to save, a man to look after, a man to care for. So I actually see a lot more women, well, I see a lot of powerful women ending up with people like that, where they have to look after them.

• 19:22Jay Shetty?

  Interesting.

• 19:23Speaker 04

  But I can understand why it should be a turn off because you don't want to be mothering your boyfriend or your partner.

• 19:29Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I, I think it's really interesting. I think sometimes women get into relationships hoping the man will change.

• 19:36Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 19:37Jay Shetty?

  And men get into relationships hoping the women will never change.

• 19:40Speaker 04

  Yes, that's so true.

• 19:42Jay Shetty?

  What ends up happening is that the man doesn't change and the woman does.

• 19:45Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 19:46Jay Shetty?

  So it's the opposite of what you wanted. And when you get into a relationship with a guy who plays video games, he's not just going to stop playing video games the moment you get married. That's, that's what he does.

• 19:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 19:56Jay Shetty?

  And you're not going to change that about him. And I think that's what's so interesting about these icks is that if something really affects you, you should know it's less likely to change than more likely.

• 20:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 20:08Jay Shetty?

  Especially if it's something conditioned and deeply a part of their life.

• 20:11Speaker 04

  Mm hmm.

• 20:12Jay Shetty?

  Right? And so if something does affect you that deeply, the two questions you have to ask is, why does this trigger me so much? And am I okay if this never changes? I think that's really important.

• 20:25Speaker 04

  It is.

• 20:31Jay Shetty?

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• 21:16Jay Shetty?

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• 21:29Jay Shetty?

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• 22:15Jay Shetty?

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• 23:01Jay Shetty?

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• 23:45Jay Shetty?

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• 24:14Jay Shetty?

  The next one is poor communication, being vague, giving one word replies or ghosting creates a feeling of unreliability and emotional distance.

• 24:23Speaker 04

  See, I think there's a difference between icks now and what makes someone feel secure in a relationship because that's a big security part of a relationship where if you feel confused about where you stand, if the person isn't communicating in a way that makes you feel wanted, that actually breeds insecurity in a relationship. And I think that more than an ick, that is probably a serious, an ick, ick to me is something that's not a serious problem. An ick to me is something slightly silly that, that your mind's fixated on, but you know, there is a bit of humor to it, whereas this doesn't seem like an ick, it seems like more of a serious issue because you don't know where you stand in the relationship. And I think that that you have to know the difference between an ick and something that is actually fundamental.

• 25:06Jay Shetty?

  That's really interesting because usually we overvalue an ick and we undervalue a fundamental. So

• 25:12Speaker 04

  Red flag.

• 25:12Jay Shetty?

  If someone runs with their backpack bouncing, we think, oh my gosh, they're so unattractive. But if someone doesn't reply, you're like, oh, they must be busy, right? So we make excuses for the fundamentals. But we overamplify icks, which is a really weird thing in our mind.

• 25:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 25:29Jay Shetty?

  And why do we do that?

• 25:30Speaker 04

  Like that.

• 25:31Jay Shetty?

  Right?

• 25:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's so true.

• 25:33Jay Shetty?

  It's such an interesting thing. Like, I feel like so many people are like, I just can't deal with the fact that he wears, you know, ankle socks or whatever it is. And it's like, well, wait a minute, that guy replies to every message.

• 25:44Speaker 04

  Exactly.

• 25:45Jay Shetty?

  That guy shows up when he says he's going to show up. But the guy who's really attractive doesn't show up on time, doesn't message you back. But even though he has all of that, you don't care.

• 25:54Speaker 04

  No.

• 25:55Jay Shetty?

  Why do we do that? Why do we justify people's bad behavior? I ultimately think it's because when you're attracted to someone, when you're into someone. You will justify anything they do.

• 26:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 26:06Jay Shetty?

  Because you're just so excited about the fact that that person might be into you. If someone shows you attention, if someone cares about you. But if someone is someone that you don't find that attractive, isn't your type, even if they're like the kindest and nicest person.

• 26:19Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 26:20Jay Shetty?

  You don't care.

• 26:20Speaker 04

  Don't care. I was actually reading something, what was it this morning, it came up on my Instagram, that when you end up being a little bit obsessed with someone. Your actual physiology in your mind changes so that even the things that you would normally find unattractive, you find attractive in them. Especially if it's in a toxic relationship, when it's a toxic relationship where things are up and down. Apparently, the hormones in your body, the chemicals in your mind, end up finding even the things that are absolutely grotesque. Your body actually, even if the person has bad breath, you don't smell the bad breath.

• 26:50Jay Shetty?

  Wow.

• 26:51Speaker 04

  Even if the person, you you get used to even their smell and the way that they speak and everything that you normally find disgusting in someone else. That other people may even notice, you don't. That's why, it's so funny, you know, when you end up seeing someone that you're friends dating. And you're like, how in the world, especially if they weren't a good person and then you see, maybe physically they don't match either. It's like that shallow Hall effect.

• 27:16Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 27:16Speaker 04

  Where the person is literally seeing a completely different version.

• 27:21Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 27:21Speaker 04

  To the person that they actually are.

• 27:23Jay Shetty?

  That's fascinating. That is so true as well. So true. All right, I want to go through the list of the top five X men have about women. Number one.

• 27:31Speaker 04

  Wait, can I say one more thing?

• 27:32Jay Shetty?

  Go on.

• 27:32Speaker 04

  The, it's, it's like, for example, I remember I really disliked smoking when I was growing up. But then I remember thinking this guy at my college was really attractive and, but he was a smoker. And at that point, I was like, oh, wow, I actually really like the smell of, I was around the smell of smoke so much, I ended up thinking I liked the smell of smoke.

• 27:49Jay Shetty?

  Wow.

• 27:49Speaker 04

  Even though I absolutely despise smoking. And my friends have said the same thing, when they've dated people who drink alcohol, or when they've dated people who smoke weed, they absolutely hate it, would never do it themselves. But because they were obsessed with that person or thought that person was attractive, suddenly what they do becomes attractive.

• 28:03Jay Shetty?

  That's why.

• 28:04Speaker 04

  Isn't that so interesting?

• 28:05Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and that's why it's so important. To choose someone in your life that actually has the habits and things you want because

• 28:11Speaker 04

  Right.

• 28:12Jay Shetty?

  You're gonna be influenced and you're gonna be impacted even if you don't wanna be.

• 28:15Speaker 04

  No, I didn't wanna do it. I just, my mind shifted towards.

• 28:17Jay Shetty?

  But if you would have stayed with that person or got with them or whatever, that slowly would become your lifestyle.

• 28:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, maybe. So interesting.

• 28:24Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 28:25Speaker 04

  The fact that your mind can shift something you really don't like, just because someone that you like does it.

• 28:30Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 28:30Speaker 04

  Opposite of icks.

• 28:32Jay Shetty?

  Top five icks men commonly have about women. Number one, overly superficial behaviour. Talking only about appearances, name dropping, or obsessing over social media and selfies. Yeah, I, yeah, it's frustrating.

• 28:46Speaker 04

  I love a good selfie.

• 28:47Jay Shetty?

  I know you do. I am your Instagram husband and I never get a photo credit, ever.

• 28:51Speaker 04

  You don't, if you're once you're married, you don't need photo cred.

• 28:54Jay Shetty?

  What?

• 28:55Speaker 04

  It's just part of the relationship.

• 28:57Jay Shetty?

  Right, okay.

• 28:58Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 28:58Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's an ick.

• 29:01Jay Shetty?

  And number two, playing mind games, being intentionally vague, manipulative or using passive aggressive tactics.

• 29:06Speaker 04

  That's a fundamental problem. Yeah, that's not an ick. I feel like that's a fundamental issue.

• 29:10Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. Number three, entitlement or materialism, expecting to be spoiled without reciprocation or judging people based on money, status or possession.

• 29:18Speaker 04

  Some guys like that, to be honest.

• 29:19Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, because that gives them the ability.

• 29:21Speaker 04

  And princess.

• 29:22Jay Shetty?

  Well, some relationships like that because then it it becomes an easy way of showing status.

• 29:27Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 29:27Jay Shetty?

  Or an easy way of showing prowess.

• 29:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 29:29Jay Shetty?

  I don't love that though.

• 29:30Speaker 04

  Yeah, maybe.

• 29:31Jay Shetty?

  Not a fan of that. Number four, being overly dramatic or constantly negative. That.

• 29:35Speaker 04

  Oh my god!

• 29:37Jay Shetty?

  That's exactly it. I struggled with that a lot. I felt like I dated a lot of people who were like that all the time.

• 29:43Speaker 04

  Really?

• 29:43Jay Shetty?

  About really small things and I felt like I'd constantly guess what their mood was gonna be. And that is not an ick, it's a big fundamental, but it was really challenging to feel as a teenager, to feel you had to be the emotional regulator.

• 29:57Speaker 04

  Right.

• 29:58Jay Shetty?

  For someone else's emotion.

• 29:58Speaker 04

  No, too much, too much baggage.

• 30:01Jay Shetty?

  Which is really, really hard. And there's a difference between being patient, being compassionate, being kind and then literally someone asking you to be their emotional regulator.

• 30:10Speaker 04

  Mm-mm.

• 30:11Jay Shetty?

  And then, yeah, fifth and finally, lack of accountability, blaming others for ever, everything, never admitting when they're wrong or constantly playing the victim.

• 30:19Speaker 04

  These are all like serious icks.

• 30:20Jay Shetty?

  Yeah. It's quite a strong list, actually, yeah, because the guy with the list comes up with much easier stuff.

• 30:25Speaker 04

  Can you pull up some guy with the list stuff, just to end this?

• 30:27Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, let's do it. Let's do this. Let's do it. Guy with the list, we love you.

• 30:30Speaker 04

  We love you.

• 30:31Jay Shetty?

  Don't send her an Instagram reel.

• 30:34Speaker 04

  That's it.

• 30:35Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 30:35Speaker 04

  Okay, next.

• 30:37Speaker 05

  You know when you go to an event and you leave early? Like, I will never understand those sort of people. Like, you've literally paid money to spend an hour or two of your life to go and watch this event, but you would rather leave 20 minutes early or 10 minutes early to beat the traffic. Like, what else is that urgent that you need to get home for? Rather than the thing that you paid to go and see? Like, that would baffles me. Just to, what, beat the tube?

• 31:01Jay Shetty?

  That's you.

• 31:01Speaker 04

  That's me.

• 31:02Jay Shetty?

  You are that. She has an ick with you.

• 31:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 31:05Jay Shetty?

  A lot of these are visuals.

• 31:07Speaker 06

  I'm sorry to say, if you're a man and you have an iPad, take it back. It. It.

• 31:12Speaker 04

  An iPad?

• 31:13Speaker 06

  It's so icky, like, as a man, why do you have an iPad? Go get a MacBook or just use your phone.

• 31:17Speaker 04

  Okay, you know what? If a guy's got an iPad mini, no. A little iPad mini? Like, it could fit in one hand?

• 31:25Jay Shetty?

  What do you mean?

• 31:26Speaker 04

  Nah, there's something about that.

• 31:27Jay Shetty?

  They're cheaper than the bigger iPad.

• 31:28Speaker 04

  Oh, nah. Mini anything. Like, you know, like a small phone.

• 31:33Jay Shetty?

  Wait, wait.

• 31:34Speaker 07

  I've just unlocked a new ick. Tell me why. I was just at the dog park and I met the cutest guy. He had the sweetest little dog, but in the middle of our conversation, he started screaming his dog's name, calling him five, 10 times. And I don't know why, but in that moment, he just became so unattractive to me. Ugh, like, I just, I, I got my dog and I left.

• 31:57Speaker 04

  These girls are amazing.

• 31:58Jay Shetty?

  Don't scream at your dog in the dog park. This is hilarious. No wonder everyone's single.

• 32:04Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm. It's rough out there.

• 32:06Speaker 08

  The worst text to send a girl. The morning text. Good morning, sweetheart. How are you doing? Hope you slept well. You're basically saying you're a saint. That text is not masculine. That is not a good text. It shows needy. It just shows that, like, oh, I was thinking about you and I was hoping your morning was going well. That's not what you want to come across as. Always, always remember, texting is only to set up a date. Men fall into this trap of sending good morning texts, sending texts like, hey, how was your week? And wanting to talk and have these big elaborate conversations over texts. But what happens is you fall into friend zone or you become her pen pal.

• 32:42Speaker 04

  No morning texts, mate.

• 32:43Jay Shetty?

  Wow, it's, it's rough out there for guys.

• 32:45Speaker 04

  Woo, that's a lot.

• 32:47Jay Shetty?

  Well, that's a lot. I think the takeaway is know the difference between icks and fundamentals.

• 32:52Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 32:53Jay Shetty?

  Don't overvalue icks and undervalue fundamentals.

• 32:57Jay Shetty?

  And ultimately, we all have icks.

• 32:59Speaker 04

  We all have it.

• 33:00Jay Shetty?

  Even the person you marry, you'll have icks with, and you can still love each other.

• 33:04Speaker 04

  Yeah, you can.

• 33:08Speaker 04

  Thank you so much for watching.

• 33:12Speaker 04

  This was a lovely little funny episode, wasn't it?

• 33:16Jay Shetty?

  Well, it's spontaneous.

• 33:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:18Jay Shetty?

  I love it.

• 33:18Speaker 04

  We love a good ick. We do, don't we?

• 33:20Jay Shetty?

  Hey, everyone. If you loved that conversation, go and check out my episode with the world's leading therapist, Laurie Gottlieb, where she answers the biggest questions that people ask in therapy when it comes to love, relationships, heartbreak, and dating. If you're trying to figure out that space right now, you won't want to miss this conversation.

• 33:41Speaker 09

  If it's a romantic relationship, hold hands. It's really hard to argue. It actually calms your nervous systems. Just hold hands as you're having the conversation. It's so lovely.

• 33:52Speaker 10

  Mr. President, my company formed me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd, causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me. Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 34:09Speaker 11

  What would happen if I stopped going? You're strong, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 34:13Speaker 10

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 34:16Speaker 11

  I'm not the first nanny.

• 34:18Speaker 10

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only appears October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a middle without parent.

• 34:22Speaker 12

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