Best Dating Advice For People In Their 30s (You're Not Behind)

Do you ever feel "behind" in dating? Do you value compatibility over chemistry? Dating in your 30s is a completely new experience—one that comes with unique challenges, fresh perspectives, and a deeper sense of self-awareness. Today, Jay unpacks the most common misconceptions about dating at this stage in life and shares empowering insights on how to navigate relationships with confidence and clarity. He begins by tackling the biggest myth that holds so many people back—the belief that they’re “too late” or “falling behind” in their search for love. Jay also explores the key differences between dating in your 20s versus your 30s. While your 20s are a period of self-discovery—figuring out deal-breakers, learning from mistakes, and often getting caught up in dating games—your 30s bring a new level of clarity and intention. No more ignoring red flags, no more prioritizing chemistry over compatibility, and no more settling for less than you deserve. Emotional maturity becomes the foundation of lasting relationships, and by your 30s, you’ve developed the wisdom and confidence to approach love in a way that truly aligns with your values. In this episode, you'll learn: How to Overcome the Fear of Being "Too Late" in Dating How to Stop Settling and Start Prioritizing What You Deserve How to Stop Playing Dating Games and Be Direct About What You Want How to Choose Peace Over Drama in Relationships How to Approach Dating in Your 30s with Confidence and Clarity No matter where you are on your dating journey, remember that you are not behind—you are exactly where you need to be. Your 30s are not a deadline; they are an opportunity to date with clarity, confidence, and purpose. With Love and Gratitude, Jay Shetty What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 01:00 The Biggest Dating Myth 02:55 Why Your 30s Are Powerful 03:27 Society’s False Timelines 05:00 Emotional Maturity in Relationships 06:11 Lessons from Dating in Your 20s 08:41 No More Dating Games 10:27 Trusting Your Gut & Red Flags 14:47 Compatibility vs. Chemistry 15:20 Choosing Peace Over Drama 16:58 The Pain of Settling vs. Being Single 19:38 Healing After Breakups 22:22 Dating with Confidence in Your 30s See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

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• 0:45Jay Shetty?

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• 1:28Jay Shetty?

  and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process and once something sells... Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you.

• 2:12Jay Shetty?

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• 2:42Jay Shetty?

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• 3:27Jay Shetty?

  Dating is hard, divorce is harder. Being with someone is hard, breaking up is harder. Being single is better than being with the wrong person. Being single is better than settling for the wrong person. And being single is better than settling for less than you deserve.

• 3:51Speaker 01

  The number one health and wellness podcast.

• 3:53Speaker 02

  Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty. The one, the only Jay Shetty.

• 3:59Jay Shetty?

  Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. I'm your host Jay Shetty and I am so grateful that you're back here for another episode. Thank you so much for tuning in. And this is gonna be an episode that you send to all your friends. Because I know so many people right now who are dating in their 30s, who are struggling. Because the mindset that I'm old, that it's too late, that it should have happened earlier is the biggest block for them. The biggest thing blocking you back from dating and finding love in your thirties is that you think it's too late. You think it should have happened earlier.

• 4:44Jay Shetty?

  You think it should have happened in your twenties. You believe that for some reason, you're the last one. You're late to the party. That somehow you missed something special that was meant to happen in your twenties. And I know a lot of people feel this way. That's why if you've ever felt this way, or your friends have, this episode is for you. If you've got a friend out there who's just gone through a tough breakup, send this episode to them. If you've got a friend out there who's tired of online dating, send this episode to them. If you've got a friend out there, or if it's even you, who's saying to themselves, or even if they're not saying it, that's the interesting thing, right? It's not that we're saying it, but we're thinking it. I'm too old.

• 5:29Jay Shetty?

  I missed something. It should have happened earlier. This episode is for you. The truth is, you're not behind. The truth is, it's not too late. In fact, your thirties can be one of the most empowering, transformative times in your life when it comes to relationships. And today I'm going to walk you through some of the mistakes we made in our twenties that we don't do anymore, so that we recognize why our thirties can be powerful. And by the way, some of the mistakes that we may be carrying through into our thirties that we can avoid. Before we begin, let's acknowledge something. Society feeds us this narrative, this timeline,

• 6:14Jay Shetty?

  that you should be dating by a certain age. You should be married by a certain age. You should have had kids by a certain age. But we all know that that timeline isn't even necessary.

• 6:28Jay Shetty?

  We all work at different paces. We all find what's meaningful to us at different times. And the research actually backs it up. According to a 2022 study by the Pew Research Center, the average age for first marriages has been steadily increasing. For men, it's now 30 years old, and for women, it's around 28. The study also found that nearly half of adults aged 18 to 44 in the US are single. And the number of people getting married in their 30s and even 40s has risen significantly in the last few decades. So if you're in your 30s and still not married, it's not a red flag. It's actually becoming more and more common.

• 7:13Jay Shetty?

  And research published by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2021 also highlights that people in their 30s are better equipped for successful, long-term relationships. This is because by the time we reach this age, we're more self-aware, have a better understanding of what we want, and have more emotional maturity to navigate the complexities of romantic relationships. And that's a really big point there. There is no substitute for emotional maturity. Long-term relationships require one thing and one thing only: maturity. And you can't substitute that. You can't manufacture that in your 20s.

• 7:57Jay Shetty?

  There was also something else that I read that was fascinating. A study published by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that people who marry later in life are happier in their marriages. Specifically, couples who marry in their 30s report higher levels of satisfaction, less stress, and a stronger emotional connection. What's the reason? They've had more time to figure out their needs and find a partner who's truly compatible.

• 8:29Jay Shetty?

  I'm sharing that with you because I think we underestimate, we truly underestimate the power of what our thirties has. And another study by the University of California, Berkeley, revealed that people who marry later tend to be healthier. They report lower levels of depression and anxiety and have better overall wellbeing. So let's really reframe the idea that you're behind. Let's really reframe that thing that's stopping us from actually finding love at this moment in our life. In our twenties, we're figuring out who we are. In our thirties, we're being clear about who we want. You're still trying to figure out who you are in your twenties.

• 9:14Jay Shetty?

  Your deal breakers, your red flags, your type, and whether you're into long-term or casual relationships. In your thirties, you know what you want, whether it's a relationship, casual dating, or just being on your own. You've got your deal breakers locked in. You've spent time figuring out what you want because you've been through plenty of bad experiences. I think it's really interesting how, if you remember one of the first people you had a long-term relationship with, they just felt like the right person. Not because you actually knew, but because you'd just been with them for a long amount of time. And it's really interesting to me how the time bias creeps in. If you've been with someone for a year and they're your first serious relationship,

• 9:59Jay Shetty?

  you assume they must be the one. Whereas in your thirties, when you've been with someone for a year, even if it's feeling positive, there's a part of you that wants to build on that. There's a part of you that wants to be clear about what you want. In your twenties, even if you're not, you're gonna find people who are playing games. The difference is in your thirties, you're playing it straight. Right? In your twenties, if someone was playing games with you, you had to kind of figure out how to play games with them. Maybe you stayed up all night trying to decode every text. Or maybe you wanted to make sure you didn't come on too strong or stay too distant. If someone played games with you, you had to find a way to play games back. Maybe you were even the one who started the games.

• 10:44Jay Shetty?

  But in your thirties, you're slowly getting that confidence to say what you mean. You're getting the confidence to be into someone and be honest with them. You'll also get the confidence to say, "This isn't for me." It's simpler. Right? In your twenties, you either shifted, you pivoted, you molded, you played along. This time, it's game over. And I think that's a superpower. You've outgrown the dating games. You don't have time to waste on mixed signals or mind games. And that's a really thing to be really important to take into consideration. In your twenties, people played games with you, so you had to learn to play the game.

• 11:29Jay Shetty?

  In your thirties, you play it straight, so it's game over. There's no more room for games. Now, in your thirties, you're still figuring out who you are. But I promise you, you're more clearer on who you want. You're clearer because you know the mistakes you've made. And this may take a second to shift from self-discovery to self-assurance. But I encourage you to do it. Reflect on the mistakes you make. Reflect on the bad decisions you made in your twenties. Take a moment to make a list of all the men you dated in your twenties that weren't right for you. Take a moment to reflect on the women you dated that weren't the one for you. Why did you make that mistake?

• 12:14Jay Shetty?

  What did you get misled by? Was it their aura? Was it their charisma? Was it their talent? What was it about that person that distracted you away from your values? And that's the other thing. In your thirties, you have a stronger take on what your values are. You have a stronger understanding and commitment to what your values are because you know what it feels like when you trade your values. You compromised your values in your twenties. You allowed yourself to be controlled in your twenties. You allowed someone to compare you to someone else in your twenties. In your thirties, you're committed to your new set of values.

• 12:57Jay Shetty?

  In your thirties, you're committed to not being controlled, to not being played with. There's a superpower in that, and I don't want you to lose sight of it. In your twenties, you ignored red flags. In your thirties, you're starting to trust your gut. In your twenties, you might ignore the little red flags, or you tell yourself, "You can change them later." In your thirties, you realise, red flags are deal breakers. And if something feels off, you trust your gut and move faster. One of the biggest realisations in your thirties is you've learned the hard way that ignoring warning signs only wastes time.

• 13:40Jay Shetty?

  Trusting your instincts saves you drama. The big lesson here is in your thirties, you've realised one thing. People don't change for people. People don't change for you. They change for themselves if they want to, when they want to. You can't change anyone else. You can't change someone. You can't change their priorities. You can't change their likes and dislikes. You can't change their focus. You can't change their ambition. You can't change their drive. In your twenties, you convinced yourself

• 14:22Jay Shetty?

  that you could change what that person aspired to be, that you could edit, you could mould, you could in some way inspire them to become different. In your thirties, you realise that that's a person. They're not a project. They're a person, not a project. They're a human, not someone that has to become a high performer because you want them to. And they're a person, not potential.

• 14:55Jay Shetty?

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• 15:39Jay Shetty?

  acerola cherry and lion's mane mushroom and these may help boost your metabolism, give you a natural kick of caffeine, combat stress, pack your body with antioxidants and stimulate brain function. Even better, Juni has zero sugar and only five calories per can. We believe in nurturing and energizing your body while enjoying a truly delicious and refreshing drink. So visit drinkjuni.com today to elevate your wellness journey and use code ONPURPOSE to receive 15% off your first order. That's drink J U N I dot com and make sure you use the code ONPURPOSE.

• 16:22Jay Shetty?

  In your 30s, you realise that's a person, not a project. That's a person, not potential. That's a person, not someone that I have to make perform in the way I want them to. In your 20s, you convinced yourself that you might be able to shift, mould, inspire and it might even have been well-intentioned. But you now recognise that it isn't going to work that way. It doesn't work that way. So, you learn the hard way. You're not going to ignore those little red flags anymore, you're going to raise them early. It's not that you run away or distance yourself.

• 17:08Jay Shetty?

  You're conscious enough to make them a part of the conversation, to make them a part of the dialogue. You value talking about difficult things. You value raising something, not worrying about whether it pushes someone away. Don't underestimate the power that you have in your 30s. In your 20s, you were chasing sparks. In your 30s, you're seeking stability.

• 17:36Jay Shetty?

  In your twenties, you were infatuated with chemistry. In your thirties, you're inspired by compatibility. In your twenties, you chase that intense, emotive, firework feeling. In your thirties, you realized that solid, stable communication and mutual respect is at the heart of a real connection. It's really interesting when you go through that shift, right? You used to feel that you wanted this constant feeling of living on the edge. "Oh my God, when are they gonna message back? Oh my gosh, when are they gonna reply? Oh my God, what shall I tell them? Oh my God, when are they gonna turn up? Oh my gosh, what are they gonna do?"

• 18:17Jay Shetty?

  Like, you lived in that conscious state of anxiety, of drama, of uncertainty. And where did it get you? Left you heartbroken, left you lonely. In your thirties, you realized, "Someone who messages on time, that's the kind of person I wanna be with." In your thirties, you realize, "Someone who turns up on time, who shows up for me? Yeah, that's the kind of person I wanna be with." In your thirties, you recognize, "Oh yeah, that person who checks in with me? Oh, I really like that." I don't want someone who doesn't message back. I don't want someone who doesn't call to check in. I don't want someone who makes up excuses every time we were meant to do something.

• 18:59Jay Shetty?

  Sure, it felt exciting to pursue someone, to have the chase, to feel like they may or may not want you and figure that out. But in your thirties, you recognize, "I want clarity. I want clarity over fake chemistry. I want spontaneity over a false spark." It's not that it has to get boring, but you realize the value in peace over drama. In your twenties, you might even have pursued drama. In your thirties, you pursue peace and avoid trauma. You know what it feels like. You don't wanna invite that back into your life. In your twenties, you might have settled for comfort.

• 19:44Jay Shetty?

  Maybe you even stayed in a relationship for too long. In your thirties, you're consciously holding out for the right fit. In your twenties, you might have settled, stayed somewhere for longer than you needed to, accepted less than you deserve because you were worried about being lonely. In your thirties, you recognize that being alone is a part of life. And actually, when you can feel comfortable in that discomfort, that's when you can truly find and attract someone into your life. In your twenties, you might settle with someone because they're good enough or because you don't want to be alone. In your thirties, you don't settle. You're clear that you'd rather be single

• 20:27Jay Shetty?

  than be in a relationship that doesn't feel right. You've figured out that being alone is better than being in a relationship that doesn't meet your need. Right, for people who feel pain of being single, it's important to remember this. There's the pain of being single and the pain of being in the wrong relationship. And every time the pain of being in the wrong relationship is worse than the pain of being single. I know so many people who are married but want to be divorced. I know so many people that are engaged but don't look forward to their wedding. I know so many people that have been married for years and don't know a way out.

• 21:12Jay Shetty?

  That is so much harder than trying to find the right person. It's so much harder than trying to ask the right questions. It's so much harder than being curious. Dating is hard, but divorce is harder. Right, think about that for a second. It's a lot harder. It's how the mind is always, the grass is greener on the other side. And there's the famous quote that says, "The grass isn't greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it." And that's the shift I want you to take into your thirties. The grass is greener where you water it. Water it here, water it in your thirties. Stop thinking that your twenties were the best time to date.

• 21:57Jay Shetty?

  Not only are they not coming back,

• 22:00Jay Shetty?

  you don't live there anymore. So we don't want to keep our minds somewhere that we can't go back to and somewhere that we don't live. Right, we can't even visit it again. It's not even like a vacation that you want to go back to because you had such a good time. Knowing that time is moving forward, don't focus on moving backwards.

• 22:20Jay Shetty?

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• 23:03Jay Shetty?

  That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. This episode is brought to you by State Farm.

• 23:47Jay Shetty?

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• 24:20Jay Shetty?

  Dating is hard, divorce is harder. Being with someone is hard, breaking up is harder. Being single is better than being with the wrong person. Being single is better than settling for the wrong person. And being single is better than settling for less than you deserve. In your twenties, every breakup feels like the worst thing ever. In your thirties, you've recognized that you can bounce back stronger. In your twenties, a breakup can feel like the end of the world. In your thirties, you waste less time wallowing.

• 25:04Jay Shetty?

  You focus on healing yourself. You recognize that it's more something you want to do for yourself than to get over someone else.

• 25:14Jay Shetty?

  In your twenties, you think healing is getting closure. In your thirties, you realize healing is building confidence. In your twenties, you feel healing requires an apology from them. In your twenties, you realize healing requires you to forgive yourself. In your twenties, healing means trying to get over someone else. In your thirties, healing means doing it for yourself. It's a really powerful place to be. Because now, every time you're healing, even if you are broken up with, even if you are mistreated, even if someone does take advantage of you,

• 25:57Jay Shetty?

  you're putting your energy and emphasis into yourself. You're using it as an investment in yourself rather than an investment in someone else, using brain power or brain energy elsewhere. In your twenties, you overthink every detail. In your thirties, you experience and enjoy the moment. In your twenties, you might overanalyze every text, every date, every comment, wondering if they're the one. And in your thirties, you slow down a little. I want you to slow down a little, even if you are feeling pressure.

• 26:41Jay Shetty?

  I want you to take that pressure off. I want you to experience it for what it is.

• 26:47Jay Shetty?

  And maybe as you've been listening to me, you're thinking, Jay, I'm not doing that in my 30s. I'm still feeling the pressure. Well, I want you to rise to this. In your 30s, you understand that relationships take time to unfold. You're cool with letting things develop naturally instead of rushing the process.

• 27:03Jay Shetty?

  This is how I want you to approach your 30s. Anything I might say, you might even say, Jay, I don't really relate to that. I'm probably making the same mistakes. Well, this is what I want you to aspire for. This is what I want you to rise to. Because that's how you do the work. That's how you make a shift in your life. In your twenties, you are riding the highs. In your thirties, you keep things grounded. In your twenties, you might get swept away in the excitement of the honeymoon phase and let the little things slide. In your thirties, you know the honeymoon phase fades, so you look for someone who can handle the lows as much as the highs. The best relationships are the ones that deal with the worst times in the best ways.

• 27:48Jay Shetty?

  Let me say that again. The best relationships are the ones that deal with the worst times in the best ways. The best relationships are not the ones with always having the best times, having the best moments, having the best experiences. And in your thirties, you prepare for that. You prepare for that with your partner. You anticipate your first fight. You recognize how you handle disagreements. You think about it with that person. And if they don't want to think about that, then they're not your person. In your thirties, if someone doesn't treat you well, you don't work harder, you move on. In your twenties, you would have shifted, changed, molded,

• 28:33Jay Shetty?

  transformed yourself to be liked, to be treated better. You would have worked harder to be treated better. In your thirties, if you're not treated better, you don't work harder, you move on. In your thirties, if people take advantage of you, you realize it's their loss. In your twenties, if people took advantage of you, you let them continue to do it because you believed it was your loss if they left. In your thirties, if they don't like something about you, you don't change yourself. In your twenties, you would have shape shifted in order to make things work.

• 29:16Jay Shetty?

  The three things you need to be really attentive about in your 30s is be better at noticing love bombing. If someone comes on fast, slow it down. If someone comes on too strong, focus on building real strength. Don't let yourself be gaslit more than once. We all make mistakes, we all get fooled once, don't get fooled twice. And remember, you are going to be a part of someone's healing and they're going to be a part of yours. Everyone's going to bring baggage in their 30s and so are you. You just want someone who's willing to help you unpack and let you unpack theirs. That's what you need.

• 29:58Jay Shetty?

  I really hope that this has re-inspired you for dating in your 30s, made you recognize that all the experiences you've had, all the challenges you've had, all the pains you've had, have actually given you the insight, the lessons to not make the same mistakes. But it's your job to slow down and really reflect and take it in. Remember, I'm always in your corner and forever rooting for you. Thanks for listening to On Purpose. If you enjoyed this podcast, you're going to love my conversation with Michelle Obama, where she opens up on how to stay with your partner when they're changing and the four check-ins you should be doing in your relationship.

• 30:39Jay Shetty?

  We also talk about how to deal with relationships when they're under stress. If you're going through something right now with your partner or someone you're seeing, this is the episode for you.

• 30:49Speaker 03

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