2 Ways to Deepen Your Connection with Your Partner & The Key to Strong and Lasting Relationships

Today, I talk to John and Julie Gottman to discuss how to strengthen relationships. Dr. Julie and John share their thoughts on why we should stop being the person who we think our partners like and start being our genuine selves, what can we do to build and/or improve intimacy with our partner, and how to deal with the changes you and your partner go through without losing the connection and stay committed to each other. Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman is a co-founder and President of The Gottman Institute and co-founder of Affective Software, Inc. with her husband John Gottman. For over 40 years they have devoted their life to the research and practice of fostering healthy, long-lasting relationships through the training of clinicians and the creation of transformative products for couples around the world. You can order my new book 8 RULES OF LOVE at 8rulesoflove.com or at a retail store near you. You can also get the chance to see me live on my first ever world tour. This is a 90 minute interactive show where I will take you on a journey of finding, keeping and even letting go of love. Head to jayshettytour.com and find out if I'll be in a city near you. Thank you so much for all your support - I hope to see you soon. What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 02:08 What qualities should we focus on when we start dating a person? 05:25 We are always molding ourselves in accordance to someone else’s preferences 11:09 The role of self-esteem and self awareness in healthy relationships 16:57 What happens when we limit ourselves in meeting people online 24:45 Why asking a ‘big’ question is important in building intimacy? 28:27 How do you deal with your partner and the constant changes they go through? 33:36 Finding new ways to stay connected with your partner 38:58 This is why you need to focus more on the positive aspects of your relationship 42:57 Expressing gratitude and explaining why you’re thankful ads more depth to the moment 50:00 Is there a way to know if a relationship can last? Episode Resources The Gottman Institute The Gottman Institute | Facebook The Gottman Institute | Instagram The Gottman Institute | YouTube The Gottman Institute | Twitter The Gottman Institute | Books Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells,

• 1:30Jay Shetty?

  Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. And if you've been thinking about a wardrobe refresh, this can make it feel a little more worthwhile. You're not just letting go of clothes, you're getting more value from what you already have. Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating.

• 2:16Jay Shetty?

  And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and is clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1

• 2:59Jay Shetty?

  Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose.

• 3:09Speaker 01

  Before this relationship, try to remember a time when you were really happy, when you were feeling really fulfilled. What were you doing at that time? What were you thinking about? What were you reading about? What were you feeling? The bestselling author and host.

• 3:24Speaker 02

  The number one health and wellness podcast.

• 3:26Speaker 01

  On Purpose with Jay Shetty.

• 3:29Jay Shetty?

  Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Thank you so much to all of you that are investing so deeply in your mental, physical, financial, emotional, and spiritual health by joining in and tuning in to our conversations here on On Purpose. I'm so excited because we're going to be adding a really special offering onto the back of my solo episodes on Fridays. The Daily J is a daily series on Calm, and it's meant to inspire you while outlining tools and techniques to live a more mindful, stress-free life.

• 4:10Jay Shetty?

  We dive into a range of topics, and the best part is each episode is only seven minutes long, so you can incorporate it into your schedule, no matter how busy you are. As a dedicated part of the On Purpose community, I wanted to do something special for you this year, so I'll be playing a handpicked Daily J during each of my Friday podcasts. This week, we're talking about your relationships and how to create the most meaningful connections with the people that matter to you. Of course, if you want to listen to the Daily J every day, you can go subscribe to Calm. So go to calm.com/j for 40% off your membership today. And today we have guests who've been on before. There's only a few of them that have been on the show twice.

• 4:54Jay Shetty?

  And these are some of my favorites. Today's guests are none other than Dr. John and Julie Gottman. The Gottmans are the nation's leading marriage researchers and educators. John and Julie Gottman are the renowned experts on marital stability, says The Atlantic. The Einstein of love, says Psychology Today. And the dean of marriage experts, says The New York Times. Today, we're talking about their new book, Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy: The Love Prescription. This is the book. We're going to put the book link in the captions and comments, so you can go and grab your copy. John and Julie, it's so wonderful to see you. Thank you for making the time. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to sit down with you again. I'm really excited.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  Jay, you know, you should know that it's always an honor to be on your show and to be connected with your guests. So thank you so much for the opportunity.

• 5:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, I agree.

• 5:51Jay Shetty?

  Well, thank you both so much. I want to dive in because whenever I see one of your studies published or a journal or a new book come out, I get very excited because you truly have just studied so many interesting, fascinating parts of relationships. And I guess the first question I want to dive into straight away is when you're dating someone, what quality do you value? Or what quality should we be looking for when we first start that process? Because I feel like one of the most challenging things right now is we all have different things we're attracted to because of how we were raised, what movies we saw, what perceptions we have about what is attractive,

• 6:36Jay Shetty?

  what is male, what is female, what is beyond gender, right? Like, we all have certain perceptions and misconceptions. What are some of the values and qualities we should be looking for when we're dating someone? Or when we're even looking for someone?

• 6:50Speaker 01

  So I think the very first thing you should look for is kindness. And not only kindness towards you, but kindness towards the people, for example, who bring you your food, who bring you your drinks, who bring you your car. The people that are all around you, supporting that date that you're having with this new person. Do they treat everyone with kindness? That's a marker of that person being respectful towards others and not being too classist, not being racist, but being somebody who treats people with care and respect. So kindness is one. I think another is reliability.

• 7:35Speaker 01

  So does your dating partner actually show up when they say they're gonna show up? That's very important. Or are they always late and then they're making an excuse for being late? Uh, maybe they don't even apologize. That's not a good sign. So reliability, they are who they say they are, they'll be where they say they'll be, is very important too.

• 7:59Speaker 03

  One of the things that um really impressed me about my son-in-law was that my daughter was completely herself with him. So it's a little bit different than what quality did he have. But it was that she was really herself. There was no part of her that was being stifled. She had a boyfriend who didn't want her to sing. And she's a natural singer. She's a jazz singer. And my son-in-law just loved her singing, loved her being silly, loved her being tired and crabby. She was completely herself. And I think it's an important thing.

• 8:42Speaker 03

  If you can be complete to yourself and feel accepted by this person.

• 8:47Jay Shetty?

  Those are both such great answers. And John, I love that thought, the idea that it's not a quality that someone else has. It's that they allow you to be all of your qualities and they don't dampen or or hamper any of those. I think one thing you touched on there, which really got me curious and intrigued is I think more and more today, people have been in relationships where they feel stifled or they feel controlled, or they feel manipulated, or they feel like their light had to be dampened. I think I speak to a lot of people. I'm sure you've spoken to you know, God knows how many people over the years that have that have felt that way.

• 9:29Jay Shetty?

  Why is it, do you think, that it takes us so long to notice that sometimes? Sometimes we become so intoxicated and enamored by another person that until we actually leave or we get the courage to break up, when it happens, we think, oh, my gosh, I just realized I've been manipulated for three years. I just realized I was controlled for three years. But we we accept it, we tolerate it. Why do we allow that to happen to ourselves? And why do we also follow up question to that? Why do we allow it to happen to our friends and family members and people around us? When we can see it, but we're scared of telling them?

• 10:06Speaker 01

  First of all, nobody grows up without catching some baggage along the way. That baggage leaves us feeling insecure, feeling badly about certain qualities that we may have. And so when we first start dating, we try to be the best version of ourself that we can be. That's number one. Number two is that as we get to know this other person a little bit, what happens is that we start to psych out. Who do they want us to be? Do they want us to accentuate our being athletic, but downplay our being intellectual? What fits who they are?

• 10:50Speaker 01

  And we try to mold ourselves into this jigsaw puzzle piece that isn't being true to ourselves. And a lot of us had the experience as children of doing exactly the same thing. We realized that perhaps our father really didn't like it when we outmaneuvered him in a political debate. So we tamp it down. Or our mother didn't like it when we dressed like an athlete instead of like a very feminine stereotype. So who are we? As little kids, we figure out you only get approval for fitting somebody else's notion of who you should be.

• 11:34Speaker 01

  Then, if we don't work through that, we don't process that, and we don't acknowledge that who we are is absolutely perfect in every way, even though we have our strengths and we have our challenges. We go into a dating situation where, again, we're trying to mold ourselves. It's that same process of trying to figure out what's wanted of us and molding ourselves to that. Also, Jay, you know, we live in a very critical culture. So at jobs, we are rated on a totem pole. Where do we fit, high or low on the totem pole? Same thing in classrooms.

• 12:18Speaker 01

  Our own individual passions may not be honored. It's only how well do we memorize the capitals of states, right? So we're always having to mold ourselves to fit somebody else's standards. And we have to work through the fact that all those others out there had very distorted mirrors of who we were and what was beautiful about each one of us.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  What we have to do is create our own mirror that, yes, of course, it will see the cracks, it will see the flaws, it will see the weaknesses or challenges that we need to continue to work on. Like mine is impatience. I'm one of the most impatient people I know. So I always have to work on that, always, you know, five steps ahead of where somebody needs to be. So I have to work on that, but at the same time, I can understand that a lot of things that I am that may have threatened my parents are things that are actually strengths, that are beautiful about who I am.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  Each one of your audience and everyone else has strengths, they have challenges. The work is to see your strengths without the distortions of everyone else's mirrors of you.

• 13:51Jay Shetty?

  That's a beautiful response and you're so right that so many of the things that distort us are gifts or gaps that we received from our parents, where we, you know, are functioning differently based on how we were loved and how we were shown love. And what's really interesting about that journey, and I'm focusing on that feeling stifled and restricted because I think it's just such a big theme and such an important thing that you raised. When someone comes out of that, when someone finally breaks through a relationship where they were feeling stifled, where they were feeling

• 14:32Jay Shetty?

  controlled, they can feel extremely lost in who they are and they can become confused about their identity and about their value. And often people will say, "Well, I just doubt myself now because I was doubted." Or "I have lost my self-esteem."

• 14:53Jay Shetty?

  What are some of the building blocks you think? And what is the importance of self-awareness and self-esteem? I mean, Julie, you just said it right now. You said, "Hey, I know that I'm impatient, and that's something I'm always working on," which means you have self-awareness, and you can still have positive self-esteem because you know it's something you're building on or working on. What role does self-esteem and self-awareness have in healthy relationships? And how does one redevelop them after a painful experience?

• 15:24Speaker 01

  I love that question, Jay. Because, you know, every single day, I see clients who are in exactly the kind of pain you're describing, where they've come out of a painful, painful relationship, where they were treated badly, disrespectfully, they've been devalued, or they felt invisible, unimportant. And they are lost because they've tried so hard to mold themselves into a paper doll that they've lost track of who the real person is behind the mask that they've displayed. So, the building block of change

• 16:07Speaker 01

  is, first of all, seeking people and more connection with those people that you actually really trust, who care about you, who see the beauty in your heart, in your soul, and talking to them about your experience, asking them what was their perception of what was going on in the relationship. Does it make sense to them that they were being controlled or being manipulated? Can they help you, with their own objective eyes, understand what process you were involved in? Now, that may be a friend,

• 16:51Speaker 01

  that may be a sibling or a relative, it may be a therapist or a healer, but somebody that you can trust, who reflects, first of all, more accurately what was going on for you and who you really are. Then, what you need to do is follow your own passions. At first, it's really difficult to figure that out. What are my passions? I don't know anymore. So you go back to, uh, before this relationship. Try to remember a time when you were really happy and you were feeling really fulfilled. What were you doing at that time? What were you thinking about? What were you reading about?

• 17:36Speaker 01

  What were you feeling? So I have a client, for example, who was really controlled and manipulated by her partner, and then her partner betrayed her and left her. So now, she's very lost, trying to figure out who she is. So we listed a whole list of potential passions, and had her close her eyes and reflect on, okay, each one of those, how do they resonate with you? How do they resonate? And she generated this very short list of things she loved about herself, and she loved doing. There was sailing. There was learning about music and playing guitar.

• 18:21Speaker 01

  There was, um, going swimming with her children. Swimming in particular was something that she really, really loved to do. So, seek out that passion. Pull the thread. See what's at the end of it. And then, expand that passion into something that becomes a regular part of your life. And not only that, but most passions include the participation of other people. So if you connect with other people that share that passion with you, you then begin to feel like, ah, this part of myself that I've shut down,

• 19:04Speaker 01

  that I'm now recapturing, is something other people love too. Hooray! And you go out to live those parts of you that you've split off, but now you're reconnecting with.

• 19:16Jay Shetty?

  That's a brilliant answer. You've given us so many practical things that we can do there when we're in that position. And they all feel really tough and difficult in the moment, for sure, but they're tried and tested. They work, they make sense, they align. And you know, anyone who's listening or watching right now who's been in that scenario, recognizing what Julie was saying, like, there was a you before this relationship, and there will be you after this relationship. And the you that got lost during the relationship is the one you're trying to reawaken, rediscover, and give an opportunity to rise for. So I think that recognition that you may have lost connection with who you are, but you are not lost. You are not

• 20:02Jay Shetty?

  nonexistent, which a lot of people can actually end up feeling. If we move forward into, we started with dating, and then we went backwards into breakups. And now I'm kind of going back into dating again. But I think one of the biggest challenges today is the paradox of choice, right? Today, there is more choice, there are more options, there is a quicker ability to say yes or no to someone on a dating app. You're not meeting people within a one mile radius or five mile radius of where you grew up. You're meeting people online through a picture. You don't know their family, you don't know what school they went to, you don't know many of their friends. So the way we meet people today has drastically shifted in the last 10 to 20 years alone,

• 20:48Jay Shetty?

  what to speak of over time. And on top of that, there's this feeling that people have of like, well, if I'm not with someone who's perfect, well, then I can just drop them and find someone else because there's so many people out there. So tell me about what you've noticed with the paradox of choice, and what can we do in our dating life to actually learn quicker and faster whether someone's right for us or not? And what does that really mean?

• 21:15Speaker 03

  Let me say something about what modern research has found in selecting somebody. And it turns out that really, nobody has been able to find anything to measure.

• 21:31Speaker 03

  That determines whether you'll like somebody. So you can ask people even, what are they looking for in a partner? And to list all the qualities. And then you can select for those qualities. And that person is unlikely to even like that person. So I, you know, my answer to that is to find somebody you can trust. And trust is very different for everybody. But it's somebody you feel safe with. Somebody who really makes you feel accepted as you are. And our best index for trust is to pick somebody who is able to think for two.

• 22:14Speaker 03

  Not just for themselves, but can think about what benefits both partners. And that person winds up being very trustworthy.

• 22:23Speaker 01

  When we talk about choices of dating, part of the problem is that everybody is on the internet trying to find a match. But because basically the internet is black and white text, it gives people only a tiny little sliver, one dimension of who somebody is. You know, that's always a problem in my head. Because people will describe themselves in a way that doesn't include how they smell, what they really look like, what their history is, who they really are. So you're not going to find the perfect partner.

• 23:06Speaker 01

  What John was saying about find somebody that you can trust, in my world, what that means is somebody who makes you feel good about yourself. So one of the questions you need to ask is, how do you feel about yourself when you're actually face to face with this person? So, you know, find, go out and look on the internet, see who appeals to you through the internet. But try to meet up with them, have coffee, you know, for thirty minutes. Talk to them, see how many questions they ask you. And how do they respond to your answers? Did they just change the subject?

• 23:50Speaker 01

  Are they looking over your shoulder at somebody cute who's sitting at the back of the room? What, how are they responding? Or are they really focused on you and making you feel like, huh? That person seems to really get what I'm saying. They're understanding. They're, they're responding not by interrupting me and talking over me, but by really wanting to even hear more. And gee, I want to hear more about them. How self disclosing are they? Are they self disclosing appropriately? Not oversharing every personal detail, but letting me know the basics of who they are?

• 24:33Speaker 01

  So that I can respond to them and slowly get to know them. So it, you know, I'm afraid all of we internet users, when we limit ourselves to looking for somebody on the internet, we're really making a mistake. We've got to meet up with people face to face, see how we feel being with them and how they feel being with us.

• 25:01Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I think one of the greatest notes that I liked out of that from both of you was, I think trust is one of these things that just takes forever to build. And, you know, you hear about people who they've been with someone for twenty five years and they feel they trusted each other. And then the person after twenty five years goes, I don't love you anymore. And, and then, you know, you're dealing with that. And so the thing that really resonated with me was the idea of safety. Like, do you feel safe when you're with someone? I think that's a very current, immediate way of building trust. Because trust is this big thing, takes a lot of time, a lot of building blocks, so many other things. But do I feel safe with this person is something you can ask yourself right now. And you can know whether you feel safe.

• 25:44Jay Shetty?

  Safe around someone emotionally, whether you feel safe around someone physically, or whether you feel fearful, or whether you feel unsafe, or whether you feel threatened, or whether you feel intimidated. And I think that's a really great question that people can ask themselves in the moment, in a day. And of course, the insight of getting as quick as possible to meeting someone in person is the only way that you can really start making better decisions in dating and dealing better with choice. And knowing that the research shows that there is no perfect thing to look for and perfect partner. I mean, that's very freeing. I'm hoping people hear that and go, "Oh, I get it." Like, there isn't just the perfect thing to look for, and there isn't a perfect formula, and there isn't a perfect recipe,

• 26:27Jay Shetty?

  which means I'm gonna work with a lot of ingredients that don't make sense. And there are gonna be things that are contradictory, and there are gonna be things that don't perfectly align. And that's okay. That's what the research shows, right? So I think that's a healthy way of approaching it. I think the challenge I've seen is we're so focused on finding the perfect person that we don't create a process of creating something meaningful with the person we're with. And so we keep finding perfect, chasing perfect, chasing perfect, pursuing perfection, not thinking, "Oh, I can actually create, make, and build something pretty good if I direct my energy this way." Let's dive into a few of the questions that you ask in the book.

• 27:12Jay Shetty?

  So we talk about the seven days to more intimacy, connection, and joy. And I think one of the things you talk about that I love in this book is about asking big questions. And the reason why I like this idea of when you're in a relationship, how do you increase intimacy? Is that we've been wearing how long we've been in a relationship as a badge of honor, right? We look at the amount of time someone's been with someone as the success of a relationship. And we know that that's not factually true, whether it's a job, a relationship, a home. You could live in a home for 30 years and hate it every day. You could work a job the same day, same job every day in your life for 50 years and hate your job.

• 27:57Jay Shetty?

  Or you could be with someone for a long, long time and not really enjoy their company. And I think what I've noticed is that the reason that happens is we think when we get married to someone, or we move in with someone, or we're in a committed relationship with someone. You almost have this little voice in your head that says you already know them. That we wait till we know someone to make commitments. And now that we know them, there's almost unconsciously, nothing left to know. There's nothing left to discover. And so when you talk about these incredible ideas that you're sharing in this book. The reason why I really like them is this idea that you can always learn something new

• 28:41Jay Shetty?

  about someone that you've known a long time. So someone who's old in your life, there's still something always new to learn about them. And one of the ways you say is by asking a big question. Can you describe what a big question is and why it's a great way of building intimacy?

• 29:00Jay Shetty?

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• 29:43Jay Shetty?

  That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colors, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in store or online.

• 30:25Speaker 01

  So a big question is a question that has a long answer. It doesn't have a yes or no answer, "My favorite color is purple," in a one-word answer. It has a much bigger answer. Like, "What are you thinking about death and dying these days? You know, you've just turned 85. What are you thinking about it? What are you thinking about who you want our children to be? Especially growing up in this world where so many things really need to change drastically and quickly. Who do you want our child to be?" So they have big answers to them, these questions.

• 31:10Speaker 01

  One of the reasons that these questions are so important to keep asking is the following: We are not static. We are not like, you know, the fireplace in your home that never changes, that has the same form, the same bricks, the same wood, you know, that'll burn, replace it with a little more wood. It's not the same fixture. We are not a fixed entity. We are constantly evolving. We are changing. We are moving forward. And we are being impacted by our world to shift our beliefs, our thoughts, our feelings

• 31:55Speaker 01

  about things, our hope or our hopelessness. We're changing all the time. So if we don't continue to ask those questions, then we may have a picture of our partner in our minds that's obsolete, that's 10 years old, and that person has been replaced by somebody totally different, but we won't know it. So the big questions keep us connected with this beautiful changing form. We are like the sea, Jay. The sea is never the same, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

• 32:36Speaker 01

  The sea is always changing color, waveforms, smoothness versus turmoil. It's always changing. Well, so are human beings. Inside of us, we have a sea that's being influenced by all the powers and forces in our world. So how does that change us and our partner? And how can we stay attuned to each other? The big questions are the way to do that, to address who are you here and now today? How have you changed?

• 33:14Jay Shetty?

  That's really special and I love the analogy of the sea. And I feel like when you were saying that with the ocean, what I was thinking is that often a lot of us subconsciously are either scared of asking that question or we don't ask that question because we're fearful that someone may change in a way we don't like. And that's often what makes relationships so difficult is that two people, two oceans, as you beautifully described, are always changing. And then someone changes in a way that you don't like anymore and you go, well, I don't like that. And when I ask you about it and now you start telling me about this new thing that you're into or whatever it may be, I don't vibe with that. Like that's not something I resonate with.

• 33:57Jay Shetty?

  How do we continue to build loving relationships with people we've committed to? People that we feel like is going somewhere, but then they get into something, whether it's like you said, it could be pain that changes who they are or something that brings them joy that changes who they are, but we don't quite like it. We don't enjoy how it's changed them. How do you deal with that?

• 34:21Speaker 01

  I have a great example of this, actually. Okay, so I'm one of those people that looks at a piece of bread and gains five pounds. That's why I can look at a slice of cake and be twice the width the next week. So. I have to be really careful about what I consume and consuming carbs and so on is not necessarily a great choice for me. Okay, so what does my precious, beautiful husband get into? Bread baking. This is a new passion that he has and he's got, you know, a pizza stone and he's got

• 35:03Speaker 01

  the little like curving baking pan for Baguettes. Making multiple baguettes, like I could eat three baguettes in one sitting. So, you know, he has gotten into a passion and he's baking bread, you know, whenever he has spare time. So is that my favorite passion for my husband? To be baking bread that I can look at and, you know, expand myself in the wrong ways with? Probably not. But the thing I have to do is to understand by asking more questions, why this?

• 35:42Speaker 01

  You know, what, what is it about this particular passion, my darling, that you really love doing? What part of you is this fulfilling other than, you know, your tummy? What part of this are you loving? You know, help me understand this passion. He's so cute. And so I want to understand him. This may not be the favorite evolution of mine that he's going through, but because I love him, because love means accepting everything about your partner, even the things

• 36:22Speaker 01

  that are challenging for you, I want to get to know this part of him too. Even if it's something that, you know, doesn't fit with me and who says I'm the center of the universe and everything has to revolve around my likes and dislikes? I'm not. So I want to understand this aspect of him.

• 36:47Speaker 03

  And my mother was trained as a hotel chef and I miss her. So one way to remember her is to learn to be a baker of Viennese pastry. And that's where I'm going.

• 37:03Speaker 01

  Oh, my God, we're headed to Viennese pastry. Jay, can I move into your house? I bet you have really healthy eating.

• 37:14Jay Shetty?

  No, and I, and thank you, John, for sharing that insight about why you've got into baking. I mean, that, you know, when you hear it from that perspective, you're like, wow, that is, wow, that, you know, I can only understand how meaningful baking is to you. So what a beautiful, you know, description to share that. And Julie, I thought that was a great example because it's the same with, with me and my wife. Like, so I'm someone who's very certain about my passions, my purpose, my, you know, what I, what I'm doing on this planet and what I care about. And I've developed that over time. It's not that I just stumbled upon it yesterday and it's always evolving and growing. And of course it changes and, and moves.

• 37:57Jay Shetty?

  And my wife's someone who is very talented and gifted, but she's often trying to figure more out and she's more open to this fluid version of herself and discovery. She's in a space of discovery. And so when you have certainty and discovery, it's very important that there's massive flexibility and adapting in both people. It's not just me to her or her to me. It's both, right, is what I'm hearing you say. It's like she has to be adaptable to the fact that she is married to someone who's super certain about what they want in life. And I have to be open to the fact that I'm with someone who enjoys a lot of different things and figuring it out and being in discovery mode.

• 38:39Jay Shetty?

  And that encourages me, if I see it that way, to spend more time in discovery. And me being this way encourages her to spend more time in certainty or discovering things that are more certain. But that requires a lot of flexibility and adaptability and maturity to be able to do it in a healthy way. And that's hard. It is hard work, right? This is not easy to do. It is challenging. It is difficult. It can be painful. How do we build that? Flexibility, because I feel that most, most people I speak to today, there's a lot of like, "Well, this is the way I am, and this is what I want, and this is not what you're providing me," right? Especially when it gets to bigger things than what we're talking about.

• 39:24Jay Shetty?

  So, how do we develop that flexibility and adaptability? Because I think people have very clear plans or paths of how they want their life to go, and your partner kind of changing tact or changing track can maybe, you know, derail you sometimes.

• 39:42Speaker 01

  Right. You know, I think it goes back to, John, what you were saying earlier, which was, "You have to think for two." You have to think about, you know, if you really love this person, what is going to benefit them? And how far can I stretch myself outside my own ego, my own way of doing things, my own rigid path? How far can I stretch myself beyond my own rigidity to adapt to my partner's path? And can we talk through the differences between us, the new path that my partner may be following?

• 40:28Speaker 01

  And find some in between. I'm thinking about an interesting example of somebody who was married and had had a fairly kind of atheistic set of beliefs. And the other person was very comfortable with that. And then that person went into a very deep spiritual pursuit and started doing kind of visionary quests. And those brought him to a very different place than they had been in together philosophically,

• 41:10Speaker 01

  in terms of more of an atheistic set of beliefs. And poor thing, I mean, she had a heck of a time. She did not know how to accept this aspect that her partner was evolving into.

• 41:27Speaker 01

  And she felt abandoned by his journey. So what was really necessary was to establish that her journey, even if it maintained an atheistic framework, was still of value, was still important, that he was very happy to continue to support that belief system. And that it wasn't an abandonment of her to go into a spiritual journey himself. It was a pathway leading to a deeper part of himself. It wasn't about her.

• 42:09Speaker 01

  And in fact, what he could do is apply his new spiritual perception to understanding who she was, you know, from a very different place than he had before. Understand from a spiritual perspective, why she made the choices she did, who she was. And both could be embraced within a sphere of love. There was no abandonment. The love could grow. Because each path gifted the relationship with different new, but very beautiful ways to still stay connected.

• 42:54Speaker 03

  Staying curious about your partner. Has your partner changed?

• 42:59Jay Shetty?

  And that's what I'm saying, that I think people are scared of that curiosity because it may lead to something they don't want to discover because it's, it can be so emotionally destabilizing personally. But I think you're right, Julie. I appreciate that response because the understanding is the only thing that's going to help in that moment. Like, you know, and, and what, the thing that stood out the most was, you said, you know, realizing that it's not a journey you have to go on. Right? Like, it's, it's not a joint journey. If someone needs to go down this journey for themselves, you're going with them on their journey, but it doesn't have to become your journey. And I think that's often the pressure that couples put on each other,

• 43:42Jay Shetty?

  where it's like, well, if I'm going to do this, then you need to do it too. And that's where it starts to become unhealthy, where our journey becomes projected onto our partners. So in this, in this book, you also talk about Some really practical things around saying thank you more to our partners. And you talk about how we always notice the bad things or the mistakes they make. And we all know that, right? Whether it's not having the dishes done, whether it's not cleaning up the house, whether it's the shoes left at the door, whether it's whatever it may be, right? In your own home, I'm just naming things my wife doesn't like that I do. When you, when you, when you look at those things,

• 44:22Jay Shetty?

  there's so many things that we point out as mistakes and criticisms and negatives consistently. What does the research show around? A, the amount of positive versus negative communication we have with our partners? And B, how negatively do those critical comments affect a relationship? And then I'll come on to the next part, which is all about, you know, how do we really say thank you in a deep way? But let's, let's start with that.

• 44:50Speaker 03

  Well, there's a wonderful study by two, two women, Robinson and Price. And what they did that was so interesting was they put observers in a couple's home. One person observing the husband, one person observing the wife. These were only heterosexual couples. And just observing positive things that one person did for the other. And they trained the husband and wife to do that as well. And what they found was that in an unhappy relationship, people miss 50% of the positive things their partner is doing. So, you know, initially people thought, well, what has to happen to make a relationship happy

• 45:35Speaker 03

  is that people need to be more positive to one another. But what they found was that people were already being positive to one another, even in an unhappy relationship. It's just that their partner wasn't noticing 50% of that positivity. So that suggested that you need a habit of mind.

• 45:58Speaker 03

  In a relationship that's gonna work, where you notice what your partner is contributing to the relationship, rather than focusing on your partner's mistakes or what they're doing wrong. Focus on what they're doing right. Focus on what really is happening that is positive in the relationship. And then that changes the relationship. That ability to have that different mindset, where you're noticing what's going right. When you're focused on the negative, it turns out it actually affects your own health in a very bad way. You wind up being more irritable, being more vindictive and less cooperative.

• 46:43Speaker 03

  And you wind up living less. There's an Israeli study that shows that people who respond during traffic to somebody who wants to cut into their lane by thinking, you know, "That guy's not gonna get into my lane. I'm not gonna let that happen." That sort of angry response, viewing this behavior in a negative way, reduces their lifespan. So this positive habit of mind really is very powerful at increasing the amount of positivity in a relationship.

• 47:16Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that's amazing. That study about missing 50%, I mean, that's a big number. That should not be forgotten at all. And I guess with that, the second part of my question was, how do you show appreciation effectively in a relationship too? Because I think what ends up happening is there's so much familiarity, there is so much negativity, and most people have kind of walked down the negative path. And now they're trying to rewire, right? So you've already built up a relationship over a few months or years, maybe, where you've just repeated the negative patterns. And now, all of a sudden, you listen to this podcast, people read your book, and they go, "Oh, wait a minute, I need to start being a bit more complimentary and noticing it." And now their partner's like,

• 48:01Jay Shetty?

  "Well, this just feels artificial." Or sometimes, when you start being positive towards your partner, they also don't know how to receive it because they don't think they're worthy of it. So often, I've found that where you can say thank you to someone for something, but they don't know how to receive a compliment. They don't know how to really accept that. And so you keep saying the compliment, day after day after day after day, but they never really digest it. So If you're making a switch in your relationship from negative to positive, how do you say thank you in a deep, meaningful way that it will be received? And how do you do it when your partner struggles to receive compliments? Like, you might say to your partner, "Hey, you look beautiful today," or "You look great in that," and they always pull a funny face.

• 48:46Jay Shetty?

  Or they go, "Well, no, I don't. I look like this," or "I look like that." Because they are struggling themselves with that area of their life. A compliment doesn't solve that. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision-making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the Personal Price Plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state.

• 49:31Jay Shetty?

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• 50:16Jay Shetty?

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• 50:35Speaker 01

  So first of all, let's discern between compliments and gratitude. Those are two different things, right? So, you know, giving somebody compliments is seeing something positive about your partner, some quality about your partner that you are commenting on and saying, "Wow, you look beautiful. Wow, that was a smart thing you just said. Wow, that was hilarious, that story you told," right? So, that's a little different than saying, "Thank you so much for making the coffee. Thank you for doing the dishes for me when it was my turn and I was feeling really tired."

• 51:18Speaker 01

  So, most people are much more able to hear "thank you." But, when you haven't said "thank you" for a really long time and all of a sudden you're saying, "Thank you," it's like, "Oh yeah, right, now you tell me, 'Thank you.'" Yeah, right, sure, sure. What do you need? Are you, you know, setting me up to manipulate me to get something else? You know, so there'll be distrust at first, because it doesn't feel real, it feels artificial. But, the way to make it real is, don't exaggerate it. You know, in other words, don't drop on your knees and say, "Oh my God, this is the best coffee I've ever had. Thank you so much."

• 52:03Speaker 01

  You know, I mean, you gotta make it realistic, right? So, "Thanks for making the coffee." You keep it attuned to where the person is, what they've actually done, and if they've done something that's really meaningful to you, then you tell them why it was meaningful to you. So, you know, you might say something like, "Thank you so much for doing the dishes when it was my turn, but I was just wiped out and tired, because, you know, here's what it meant to me. As a kid, I never got off doing my chores, whether I had a fever, whether, you know,

• 52:47Speaker 01

  I hadn't slept all night, it never mattered, I always had to do my chores. So, the fact that you had some compassion for me and you took over doing the chore, that means a lot to me, so thank you." You see, so when you accompany the thank you, especially if it's a bigger one, with why it has meaning to you, that's gonna give it more weight, more impact, and enable the other person to hear it in the atmosphere you want it to be given.

• 53:21Speaker 03

  Well, let me say something about that because I think the changing from a negative habit of mind where you're really noticing what other people are doing wrong and trying to fix them, to noticing what's going right and feeling gratitude about it, is a process of changing yourself. So, don't focus very much on other people and how they're receiving it. I know that when I was in a very negative place, you know, where I was experiencing anger driving, you know, at people who were driving badly,

• 54:01Speaker 03

  and, you know, I noticed that I had that negative mindset in general. And it took me a long time to change my own self so that I was noticing all the positive things that were happening around me and feeling grateful. So, it's really focusing on yourself and going, wow, you know, this is really quite a wonderful world in a lot of ways. And I've been looking at the glasses being half-empty when actually it's half-full. And it took me really two years to change myself from this negative habit of mind to a positive one. And then suddenly, I wasn't walking around being irritable all the time. I was walking around saying, wow, you know,

• 54:46Speaker 03

  life is really quite nice. I'm really a lucky person. And, you know, all these wonderful things are happening in my life. So, you know, my advice would be, don't focus so much on how others are responding. Really focus on yourself and realize that you're changing the way you're viewing the world and being more grateful for what really is wonderful about your life.

• 55:10Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, the great thing about that habit is that it has a big knock on effect on your entire life. Like, we just, you know, it's, it's like we, the fact that you're saying we missed fifty percent of the good things. And then Julie, your description of how to say thank you based on why it's meaningful to you. I think that is such great insight for your partner as well. Like, you know, you're just saying, oh, thanks for washing up versus thanks for washing up because it gave me a little extra time to catch up on that thing I was trying to finish off for work. Or, you know, thank you so much for cleaning up because I was feeling quite anxious today and that's made me feel really calm. Like, those kind of insights are so much more

• 55:49Jay Shetty?

  powerful for your partner to not only remember, but to repeat that act of kindness and for them to recognize how meaningful it is to you. And so I, I think that's super practical. And the idea of just shifting our thought management of it's, it's so easy to sit there and look at all the mistakes your partner makes or anyone makes. But, but to acknowledge that in light of the positive actions they're making, that, that to me is just great thought management. Because as you rightly said, our thoughts are just constantly being dragged down into the dirt, the dirt. The studies that I've seen show we have sixty to eighty thousand thoughts per

• 56:30Jay Shetty?

  day and eighty percent of them are negative and eighty percent of them are repetitive. And so it's not even like you're having the, a different bad thought about your partner every day. You're having the same bad thought about your partner every day, right? So it's not even, it's not even like there's any variety in it. And, but we would rarely have the same good thought every day. It's easy to get lazy about saying thank you for breakfast every day, even though that happens every day. But if someone doesn't clean up every day, that easily becomes a recurring thought that causes a lot of pain. I want to go more macro. We've been focusing on compliments, saying thank you, these are incredible insights you give in this book. I want to go a bit macro as well and zoom out and say, how does someone know?

• 57:12Jay Shetty?

  If a relationship is going to last and that they feel like this relationship has a future, how do you know that? Is there a way to know that?

• 57:24Speaker 03

  Yes, there is. And it really has to do with commitment and what commitment really is. And a woman named Carol Rustbalt, who did this research for 30 years on commitment, showed that the important thing is to cherish what you have and magnify what you have in life with this partner and to not constantly make comparisons and think that you can do better. So when the chips are down and your partner is kind of grumpy and irritable, to focus on what you have with this person, their positive qualities,

• 58:10Speaker 03

  turns out to be very, very important. People who magnify the negative in their partner and think after an argument or after, you know, breakfast doesn't go very well or something, that they can do better. They're always shopping. They're always comparing their partner to real or imagined alternatives. Those people have relationships that don't last. And what Carol Rustbalt showed was that in an argument, you know, when they're unhappy with their partner, instead of talking to their partner about what they're upset about, they talk to somebody else about how they're being persecuted in that relationship. They don't go to their partner and say, you know,

• 58:53Speaker 03

  "Hey, baby, you know, I really miss, you know, having adventures with you. We used to do that and we haven't done that in a long time." They go to some nice person at Starbucks and they say, "My partner, you know, she's so dull that we don't have adventures," you know.

• 59:10Speaker 03

  And so Carol Rustbalt showed that commitment is something that is inside you.

• 59:16Speaker 03

  That you can control, you can really focus on what you have and how lucky you are to have this partner in your life. And then the relationship is much more likely to last, particularly if both people are doing that.

• 59:31Speaker 01

  On the other side of that is how do I know my partner is gonna make that commitment? How do I know this relationship is gonna last? And I think there are some indicators of that. You know, one is consistency. Is that person consistently showing up? Is that person more or less consistently empathetic with me? Whether I'm happy, sad, defeated, triumphant? You know, how are they responding to these different parts of me? Do they seem to treasure these different parts of me? That as I feel safer and safer, I'm showing more and more.

• 1:00:15Speaker 01

  Are they allowing themselves to trust me? Are they allowing me to hold their heart in my hands? Because they trust me that much and to be vulnerable with me. Then, you know, that's telling you that wow, you know, this person really does seem to get me. They love these different parts of me. They can laugh with me about, you know, the crazy parts of me without judging me so harshly. So, and does that happen consistently? Or does something happen where all of a sudden your partner ghosts you?

• 1:00:58Speaker 01

  Or, you know, they disappear for a couple of weeks? And then you ask them, hey, where were you? What happened? And they say, oh, you know, I just, I needed, you know, whatever. I just needed some space. How come they didn't tell you they needed some space? So that you could talk about that a little bit? And then provide them with that space with knowledge? The other big question is how does that person make you feel about yourself?

• 1:01:28Speaker 01

  It's not only how you feel about the other, but how do they make you feel about yourself? If they make you feel valued, feel golden, feel funny, make you feel treasured even when you're crabby and they can laugh with you, I think is a big piece of it, then that relationship looks pretty darn good. That's, those are some good signs.

• 1:02:00Speaker 03

  Let me add something to that. You know, you know, the phrase, don't put all your eggs in one basket. Well, a marriage is about putting all your eggs in that basket. It's really scary to do, to really trust in this relationship and invest everything in it. That's part of what Carol Ross Bell taught us. When you commit to somebody, you're putting all your eggs in that basket. You know, that person's health, that person's longevity, that person is, is your treasure. And if they know that and you feel that about, you know, them, that they've put all their eggs into this basket,

• 1:02:45Speaker 03

  then that relationship lasts because something very special has happened. You know, your partner is saying, you are the love of my life. You're it. You know, I have nothing to offer anybody else. I mean, you have my whole heart for my whole life. And that's what makes a relationship last.

• 1:03:04Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, absolutely. And one of the things that comes to my mind is that idea that things only last if you want them to and if you make them, right? It's like, it's like me staring at a tree that I love in my garden and going like, will this tree last? And it's like, it's only gonna last if it's taken care of. It's not just gonna last because it's gonna last. And so I think sometimes we ask questions that are kind of outside of ourselves, like, is this relationship gonna last? And it's like, well, it's gonna last if you really want it to, if you're willing to put in the work. And so often I think we sit there with that check. List of like, is my partner loving? Are they understanding? Are they this? And it's like, well, are we any of those things, right? Like, are we bringing that to this relationship? Are we committed to that?

• 1:03:47Jay Shetty?

  Are we consistent in creating adventure? If that's what we're missing in the relationship? If we're missing a sense of intimacy, are we creating opportunities for intimacy, right? Because if we're not doing all of that, we can sit there waiting for someone else to have a brainwave. But chances are that what's happening in today's society is people are so distracted, bored, just dull, or have some numbness to themselves because of their own pain in their life. That if you're having the brainwave, if you're having the intuition, chances are you're gonna have to inject a bit of that into a relationship. You know, rather than hope, wish and want and wait for the other person to somehow magically

• 1:04:29Jay Shetty?

  create something. And so I, yeah, I really resonate with what you said. And that was just what was coming to my mind. John and Julie, you've been such a pleasure to talk to again today. The book for everyone who's been listening is called The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection and Joy. I highly recommend getting this book so you can talk, discuss, break down the seven. We only dabbled with a few of them today that I asked John and Julie to expand upon. And of course, if you haven't read any of their other work, I'm a big fan of all the books from the Gottman Institute. So please make sure you check those out as well. John and Julie, I'm so grateful to have spent this time with you. I think we shared some really, I really enjoyed this discussion today because I feel like

• 1:05:13Jay Shetty?

  with you being such experts and you're good at simplifying things, we could go off in so many different tangents and directions. We spoke about breakups, we spoke about control and manipulation, we talked about dating, we talked about questions. I mean, you know, we talked about so many different aspects of a relationship. And I thank you both so much for your time, your space and your energy and all the best on launching this book. I hope it goes really, really well and grateful to support you as always.

• 1:05:39Speaker 01

  Thank you so very much, Jay.

• 1:05:41Jay Shetty?

  Yes, thank you, Jay.

• 1:05:42Speaker 01

  I love the wisdom and the depth of your questions, which you always bring to your interviews. And we really love receiving that depth.

• 1:05:52Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 1:05:54Speaker 01

  A real opportunity to explain our own thinking. Thank you.

• 1:06:00Jay Shetty?

  Thank you both so much. Thank you. I'm excited to share this with everyone.

• 1:06:12Jay Shetty?

  At some point in our lives, we all feel lonely. It can be one of the most painful things to experience. Of course, the strongest antidote to loneliness can be our relationships. But here's the catch: not all relationships actually help. The next seven minutes are about your connections and identifying the ones that don't actually serve you. I'm Jay Shetty. Welcome to the Daily Jay. First, let's center ourselves with three deep breaths. Inhaling, feeling your energy rise, and exhaling the tension away.

• 1:06:59Jay Shetty?

  Expanding

• 1:07:03Jay Shetty?

  and releasing.

• 1:07:08Jay Shetty?

  Bringing awareness to this moment and settling in.

• 1:07:15Jay Shetty?

  Now for a little story. A traveler is wandering alone in the desert. He's lost, he's tired, but most of all, he's parched. Then, suddenly, he encounters a mysterious nomad. "Hello, stranger," the nomad says. "You look thirsty. I can offer you two options. The first is cold water, on the condition that you help me build a sandcastle. The second is this bright, sparkling elixir, which you can have for free."

• 1:07:51Jay Shetty?

  The traveler is dehydrated and exhausted. He wonders why anyone would do work when the elixir is free. So he eagerly drinks the turquoise liquid. And it's delicious, at first. But after a while, the traveler realizes he's still thirsty. In fact, he's even thirstier than he was before. The nomad says, "Don't worry, I've got plenty," and gives the traveler more to drink. He keeps drinking, but it only intensifies his thirst. Time passes, and the traveler remains stuck in the desert, still drinking the elixir and wondering why he has no strength.

• 1:08:37Jay Shetty?

  Now I'd like to tell you about a different traveler. He's in the same situation: tired, thirsty, lost. He runs into the same mysterious nomad and receives the same two options: build a sandcastle for cold water or drink the elixir. "Construct a sandcastle," he ponders. "That takes effort. I don't know if I have it in me." But he feels like something's off with the elixir, while he knows that the water is exactly what he needs. So he gets to work, and as promised, he's ultimately rewarded with ice-cold water.

• 1:09:21Jay Shetty?

  Feeling rejuvenated, he has the strength to move forward and find his way out of the desert. Time passes, and now he's back home feasting. Loneliness can feel like a desert, a wasteland that saps you of your energy. And when you're looking for connection, it can be tempting to rest your head on the first shoulder that comes along. But you need to carefully assess who they are and what you need. Some people may be demanding, others selfish or draining. Some relationships may look appealing, but you need to evaluate what's truly nourishing.

• 1:10:05Jay Shetty?

  I know, it can feel like work to forge the foundation of a strong new relationship, especially when you're lonely. The idea of building something can seem exhausting, but the results are worth it. The right relationships are cold water when you're parched. They'll provide you with the strength and nourishment to find your way out of the desert. Now let's take a moment to meditate and then reflect on your relationships. Start by getting comfortable wherever you are,

• 1:10:44Jay Shetty?

  giving your body permission to find a position of ease.

• 1:10:51Jay Shetty?

  Closing your eyes if that helps you settle in, or leaving them open.

• 1:10:59Jay Shetty?

  And now I'd like you to scan your body to check in with how you're feeling.

• 1:11:06Jay Shetty?

  So bring your attention to your head,

• 1:11:10Jay Shetty?

  noticing any sensations there,

• 1:11:14Jay Shetty?

  even the sensation of nothing.

• 1:11:20Jay Shetty?

  Move your attention to your face, softening the muscles,

• 1:11:27Jay Shetty?

  and seeing what you find.

• 1:11:32Jay Shetty?

  Now scanning down your neck

• 1:11:36Jay Shetty?

  and back.

• 1:11:41Jay Shetty?

  Shifting your awareness to your arms,

• 1:11:46Jay Shetty?

  all the way down to your fingers.

• 1:11:52Jay Shetty?

  Try opening and closing your hands. Observe how that feels.

• 1:12:03Jay Shetty?

  Scan down through your legs, to your feet,

• 1:12:10Jay Shetty?

  even your toes.

• 1:12:15Jay Shetty?

  And finally, bring your attention to the natural rhythm of your breath.

• 1:12:27Jay Shetty?

  Now let's open this up. Think about the relationships that quench your thirst and those that don't.

• 1:12:41Jay Shetty?

  Do you find yourself settling in moments of weakness?

• 1:12:49Jay Shetty?

  Going forward, can you prioritize the relationships that nourish you and avoid the pull of those that don't?

• 1:13:01Jay Shetty?

  Hopefully, The Daily J can help you quench your thirst. Please share this message with someone who needs to hear it, and I'll see you tomorrow.

• 1:13:13Speaker 04

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' health care to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, theHouseMajorityPact.com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.

• 1:13:42Speaker 02

  Mr. President, my company informed me of the explosion on our rig on October 2nd. Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me. Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 1:13:59Speaker 05

  What would happen if I stopped drilling? You stop, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 1:14:03Speaker 02

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 1:14:06Speaker 05

  I'm not the first then.

• 1:14:08Speaker 02

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a minute without parent.

• 1:14:12Speaker 05

  Espolone Tequila. Balanced. Delicious. 100% acave. 0% ego. Just add ice, lime, and your mouth. For a real margarita, ride the rooster.

• 1:14:23Speaker 02

  Espolone Tequila. 40% alcohol by volume. 80 proof. Copyright 2026 Campali America, New York, New York. Drink responsibly.