Lisa Bilyeu ON: Train Your Confidence like a Muscle & Use These Simple Daily Habits to Succeed in Any Situation

Do you want to meditate daily with me? Go to go.calm.com/onpurpose to get 40% off a Calm Premium Membership. Experience the Daily Jay. Only on Calm Jay Shetty sits down with Lisa Bilyeu to talk about fighting for your own dreams. When you want to achieve success, you need to work hard for it. You need to have the right mindset to get through the roadblocks that may come your way. You need to be present in the moment and make meaningful connections. And you need to fight for what you want. You need to fight for yourself. Lisa Bilyeu is the co-founder of the billion dollar company Quest Nutrition, the President of Impact Theory, and the host of the Women of Impact podcast where she features women who have overcome incredible hardship to achieve massive success. Her mission is to empower all women to recognize that they really can become the hero of their own life. Want to be a Jay Shetty Certified Life Coach? Get the Digital Guide and Workbook from Jay Shetty https://jayshettypurpose.com/fb-getting-started-as-a-life-coach-podcast/ What We Discuss: 00:00 Intro 04:46 Developing confidence is like a muscle 06:31 Radical confidence is taking little steps that lead to your goal 11:18 The problem with excuses is when they are real 18:06 Only you can fight for your dreams 23:38 Fear can stop so many of us 30:54 Don’t allow being critical to yourself to stop you 31:47 The danger of looking for external validation 35:01 The biggest mistake of goal setting 37:09 When should you stop apologizing? 42:48 Our perception of things changes everything 46:20 Closing the gap between being sensitive and taking action Episode Resources Lisa Bilyeu | Instagram Lisa Bilyeu | Facebook Quest Nutrition Impact Theory Radical Confidence Women of Impact | YouTube See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

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• 0:43Jay Shetty?

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• 1:27Jay Shetty?

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• 2:10Jay Shetty?

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• 2:35Lisa Bilyeu?

  I had every intention to help women that felt like I did. I had that North Star. I knew what I was trying to do. I gave it my all. And so if now no one likes it, I'm not going to feel badly about myself because I showed up. And that's the thing, Jay, no one can affect whether you show up or not. Forget about the failure and successes. No one can affect whether, if you showed up or not. The only person that can affect that is you.

• 3:05Jay Shetty?

  Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every week to listen, learn, and grow. Now, there have been very, very few guests that we've had on twice on On Purpose, and this is one of those rare times. And it's because today's guest is not only an incredible author, one of my favorite storytellers, but she truly is a dear, dear friend. She reminds me of home. She's given me a sense of comfort ever since I moved to LA. She's amazing friends with my wife. She's a phenomenal interviewer and so much more. Of course, I'm speaking about none other than my dear friend, Lisa Bilu. Now,

• 3:49Jay Shetty?

  for those of you who don't know Lisa, Lisa Bilu co-founded Question Nutrition, which grew 57,000% in its first three years. She's also the co-founder and president of Impact Theory Studios, a revolutionary digital-first studio that produces wildly entertaining original content focusing on themes of empowerment. Throughout her career, Lisa has created a slate of content that has been viewed over half a billion times. And by overseeing all in-house content development, At Impact Theory, she, along with her husband, Tom Bilyeu, who's also been an amazing guest, have built a global audience of over 7.5 million. As a host of her own digital series, which, by the way, if you haven't seen it, you need to go and subscribe. It's

• 4:34Jay Shetty?

  called Women of Impact on YouTube. Go and subscribe. Lisa spends her days having real, uncensored conversations with the most inspiring women. And as an amazingly inspiring woman herself, she has written her first book called Radical Confidence: 10 No BS Lessons on Becoming the Hero of Your Own Life. Welcome to On Purpose, Lisa Bilyeu.

• 5:00Lisa Bilyeu?

  Oh my god, Jay!

• 5:01Jay Shetty?

  Thank you for doing this.

• 5:02Lisa Bilyeu?

  Oh my god, are you joking? Thank you.

• 5:04Jay Shetty?

  This is so exciting.

• 5:05Lisa Bilyeu?

  Literally, I've been so giddy just so that we get to hang out, because every time we try and hang out, like as a double date or something, there's always one of us.

• 5:13Jay Shetty?

  There's always one of us. There's always one. It's usually Radhi and Tom.

• 5:16Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes. Actually, it's never me and you, Jay.

• 5:18Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I don't think it is. We're the ones who always try.

• 5:21Lisa Bilyeu?

  We're the organised ones, let's face it.

• 5:23Jay Shetty?

  But no, honestly, I was looking forward to seeing you today as well, because we always have fun running together. I'm so proud of you for putting this book together. It's so hard, writing a book, creating a book, then going out and sharing the story, then going through the emotions of actually talking about everything that's in the book. And especially when it's a book about confidence. Let's start. We know each other fairly well, but I always feel like I'm going to learn so much more about you today, which I'm very excited about. When you were growing up, who for you did you look at as the epitome of confidence? Like, who was it that you thought, or what was it, or was it a character or a role, that you were like, that person seems confident?

• 6:08Lisa Bilyeu?

  The person I admired the most was Jodie Foster. Yeah, um, I don't really talk about this much actually, but growing up, I so loved movies. I was like the kid that would get up at three in the morning and wish one day I'm gonna win an Academy Award for Best Movie Director. You know, like that was the dream. And so I really did look at who is in the space that's doing the things. And Jodie Foster always seemed so confident to me. She was in front of the camera, she was behind the camera, she was writing, she was directing, she was producing. And so I just thought, of course, I know differently now, where you see a woman that always shows up, I just thought, oh, my God, she must have like the most confidence. But in having like learned about her and her story and you know, she's very like very private. And so I dismissed the fact that she probably wasn't confident, but always showed up.

• 6:52Lisa Bilyeu?

  And that's kind of what the book is about, is that you don't have to always feel confident to show up. So, yeah, Jodie Foster, I think.

• 6:58Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, wow, I didn't know that. Yeah, and and I love that I've heard you talk about that. And of course, you talk about in the book, this idea of how we think we have to be confident before we do big things. We think we have to have this courage and bravery before we do big things. And you go on to say in the book that actually, no, when you do these things, that's what makes you confident. What was one of the first things that you started to do or experiment with where you started to gain confidence or build confidence?

• 7:29Lisa Bilyeu?

  So I love that you said build. So I've got a line in the book, it's like, it's like a muscle. You wouldn't go to the gym and want glutes to still after doing a couple of squats, right?

• 7:39Lisa Bilyeu?

  You want it to, but do you get glutes still? Is your glutes still?

• 7:44Jay Shetty?

  I have no idea. Definitely not. I don't have any glutes, so I have no idea.

• 7:48Lisa Bilyeu?

  That's amazing. But you don't just go, you want to, but you don't. And so that is like with confidence, we kind of want it already, but if you think of it like a muscle, you can go and you can train it. And that's the point is that for me, it became being thrown into the deep end, not feeling like I had any confidence. I was completely insecure. I was actually very inadequate. So it wasn't even like, oh, I just, you know, I had it and I was just, you know, not feeling great about myself. No, no, when we started Quest, I didn't know what I was doing at all. And so the confidence part came afterwards. It came as the byproduct of doing things, figuring out, falling on the floor, getting back up, learning from it, and then over time becoming competent. And the confidence part, I think, I think it's just, we wanna feel great about ourselves. That's it.

• 8:32Lisa Bilyeu?

  We wanna feel great about ourselves before we try something. Perspective is everything. So how do you shift that? And so how I did it was instead of focusing on the confidence, say, what is that end goal? I want confidence to do what? And now, once you have that, then you put in a plan, a blueprint, of how you're gonna get there. Because your confidence will come after that.

• 8:53Jay Shetty?

  I love that. I, I think you're completely shifting how people think about confidence. Because I still see those things of like, this is how to be confident, stand this way, do this. And, and those things work and they're useful. But you're talking about a deeper sense of confidence. How do you define confidence and radical confidence, obviously? How do you define that? Because I do think you're encouraging us all to move to a much more deeper level of confidence.

• 9:18Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, I'm trying, definitely, thank you. The word, with the word confidence, I do think is, is about a feeling. You wanna feel great about yourself before you start something. And radical confidence is, it's not about feeling great about yourself. It's about how do I get to that end goal so I can have the life and the dream I've always wanted? That's it. And so it's not gonna be easy. And that's a big part of it. And because it's not easy, and because you're all the time moving forward even when you're scared, you're moving forward even when you're fearful. How do you keep moving forward? Now, it's very easy to say, oh, just do it anyway when you're scared. No, no. If you've got crippling anxiety, if you're like really feeling badly about yourself, telling someone to just do it anyway, doesn't actually help. So to me, it has to be a blueprint.

• 10:02Lisa Bilyeu?

  If you want to lose weight, some people, like my mum, she was so severely overweight, just telling her, well mum, I'll get you a gym membership. It wouldn't have helped because she feels so badly about herself. She doesn't even have the radical confidence to walk into the gym. So, okay, how do you actually get someone to take the health or like take the stepping stones? Maybe right now, all you need to do is put your shoes by the bed. That's it. That's what you're gonna do tomorrow. You're not gonna go to the gym, you're not gonna do anything else, you're just gonna put your shoes by the bed. And then the next day, you're gonna put your shoes on. And what you're gonna do is every time you do it, you're actually gonna give yourself a pat on the back. And said, yesterday, I didn't put the shoes on, and today I did. And it becomes these little microscopic movements towards the dream that you really want.

• 10:47Lisa Bilyeu?

  So that you can build that competence to build the confidence.

• 10:50Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, that, I mean, especially that part, the competence to build the confidence. I completely, completely agree with you. I speak to a lot of friends who have young kids. And they'd always, they'll always say to me like, oh, my kid's not very confident. And, oh, he lacks, or she lacks, or they lack in confidence. And when I look back to being a young kid, I would say I wasn't confident when I was growing up. And I was bullied, I was overweight, I was one of the, we grew up in the same area. I was one of the only South Asian Indian kids in our area. And so I was bullied for several things. And I would say it took me a long time before I developed a sense of confidence.

• 11:34Jay Shetty?

  But it was exactly what you just said, it was building competence that led to confidence. So my parents forced me to go to public speaking school, built tons of confidence. My parents forced me to go to drama school, built tons of confidence. So when they forced me to build competence, that built confidence. And I think we're so scared that we don't build skills. We think we can solve how we feel without building a skill. Does that make sense?

• 12:00Lisa Bilyeu?

  Oh, my God, a hundred percent. And that's part of it. It's like me wanting to, let's say, is getting on stage. I was so petrified to get on stage, but my, my goal is impact. So Tom pulls me aside and he's like, babe, as your husband, you've said you want to create impact, but you keep saying no to these speaking gigs. And so I'm just letting you know that your actions aren't aligned with what you say you want in life. So I was like, okay, how on earth do I?

• 12:22Jay Shetty?

  Typical Tom.

• 12:23Lisa Bilyeu?

  Typical Tom, I know, calling me on my stuff. So it's like, okay, I recognize that getting on stage actually does solve that, serve that mission that I really am like holding my core to. But how on earth do I get on stage? How do I build that competence when I just feel so badly about myself? When I'm so embarrassed, I'm so, I'm worried about falling on my face and like really embarrassing myself. How on earth do I do that? And it becomes, you said your parents forced you. As an adult, I think it becomes harder. We get very um in our own heads. And I think, you know, as kids, we're easily, you can learn, you can walk, you can tie your shoes, you learn how to do it. You don't do it the first time, but you just take time. But as adults, we don't give ourselves the grace to go through that training period.

• 13:03Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so for me, and when I'm thinking about public speaking, I do think about those incremental steps in order to get there because I can't just want to.

• 13:11Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 13:12Lisa Bilyeu?

  To your point. It's like, I can say, I really want this. But to so many people, that's just not enough. It's like, it's that isn't enough to actually get people to act on their dream.

• 13:22Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, absolutely, absolutely. Now, what I love about the book, and I do recommend everyone goes and grabs their copy. It's called Radical Confidence. I'm speaking to Lisa Bilyeu. Ten No BS Lessons on Becoming the Hero of Your Own Life. Uh, make sure you go grab a copy. We've got it in the subject area. We've got it in the comment section everywhere. Uh, I love books. I love content that has lessons and the fact that you have ten in here makes it very simple and I love that. And I want to dive through a little bit of these so everyone gets a feeling of like, oh, I need to, you know, go and dive into that chapter. First of all, you say your dreams are a gamble. Bet on yourself. And the one that I loved out of all of these was I can stop making excuses.

• 14:04Jay Shetty?

  Because I think there are a lot of excuses. Where do you think those excuses come from? What were some of the excuses you've told yourself? And what are some of the excuses you hear that other people are telling themselves?

• 14:14Lisa Bilyeu?

  Great question. And I just want to say, sometimes, here's a problem with excuses. Sometimes, they're real. That's the problem. Sometimes, yes, you have every reason to say, I can't do, I don't have the time. Right? Jay, shit, how busy you do, right? How busy?

• 14:27Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, oh my, I, I, I think I work most days seven AM till like ten PM till I go to bed.

• 14:33Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, that's insane. So let's say something comes to you, you can easily say, well, I don't have time. Is that an excuse or a re- a valid reason? It's true. But now, if it's getting in your way of your dream, how do you see it? Is it an excuse or is it a reason? It's like, everyone makes their decisions, right? So you would make the decision to say, I can't do that because I'm too busy. To me, that's a decision that you've made.

• 14:52Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 14:53Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so for me. The excuse is to look at your reasons why you're not making the the moves that you want to or that you say you're going to. Write them down and then with no judgment, you can hear me say that a lot because I used to judge myself and it's the judgment that would hold me back. So writing down all those reasons, let's say you've got your goal. Why aren't you there yet? So my goal was, I wanna make movies. That's where me and Tom, we first got married. Tom was gonna go out, make enough money and I was gonna support him at home. It's just gonna be for a year. So one year turns into two years, turns into three, turns into four. And so I start losing all my hopes and dreams in that period. And the excuse I kept making to myself is, well, we still don't have the money yet to make movies. And that was the reason that I was using that we weren't making movies.

• 15:37Lisa Bilyeu?

  Now, if I'd stepped back, said, okay, my goal is to make movies. What are the reasons? Well, I don't have enough money. Is that a reason or an excuse? If you drill down, it's an excuse because I could make a short movie. I could make a two-minute film that is shot on my iPhone that costs nothing. But in my head, I'd so stuck to the big dream of making a hundred million dollar movie that every time I wasn't even taking one step, I kept using the excuse that I didn't have money. I kept using the excuse that we didn't have the time, that I was, well, hang on a minute. In fact, here's a perfect excuse that I wonder if your audience will resonate with. We used to say, like, Tom would go out to work and it's like, why wasn't I like really moving towards my dream and my goal?

• 16:21Lisa Bilyeu?

  And as we started to build Quest, as it was getting more and more successful, I was like, well, I I can't focus on Quest because I still have to do all these things at home. I can't, I can't put all my time in there because I still have to do the laundry. I still have to cook. Now, is that a reason or is an excuse? Some people will say, of course you have to do laundry. That's a very valid reason. Now, here's the thing, that's a choice. You don't have to do laundry. And I used it as an excuse time and time again of why I wasn't moving towards my dream. Because the truth was, when I finally realized it was an excuse, I sat down with Tom and I said, baby, I love you more than life itself, but I don't wanna cook for you anymore. I don't wanna do your laundry anymore. And so if I get time, I'll do it.

• 17:06Lisa Bilyeu?

  I'll do it maybe every three weeks. And so he's like, baby, to see you happy, what kind of husband would I be to say that I needed my underwear cleaned? Because um out of your hap- you know, your happiness. And so one day, I literally didn't do the laundry for so long. He's like, all right, babe, I'm out of laundry, so I guess I'm going to work commando. And he actually went to work without underwear. So you can see how one time, once upon a time, I had the mindset that doing the laundry was absolutely part of how you should live. But by removing that as an excuse and saying, hey, this actually is getting in your way of your dream and your goal. Remove it. And now where did it lead? The husband went to work commando and I didn't think twice about it. Why? Because I was working on my dream.

• 17:50Jay Shetty?

  I love that. That's such a great example because you're so right that often your excuse can be real, but it can still be an excuse.

• 17:59Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 18:00Jay Shetty?

  And I love the idea you gave about making movies too. Because I do think we have the big dream and we don't see the small step. And the way you described that to me made so much sense because I was speaking to someone recently and I was telling them about when I moved to LA and they've just kind of moved to LA and they're starting out and they're at film school and it's early days. And I was just saying that, you know, when I came to LA, there's so many things that I still want to do that I haven't done yet. But if I just wanted to do those things, I wouldn't have built everything else. And I don't want to be someone who just has a big dream. I want to be someone who's doing lots of small things towards that big dream. And I think sometimes the big dream cripples us.

• 18:44Jay Shetty?

  And we keep pushing it off and we keep saying, oh, no, well, like you said, I don't have a hundred million dollars. How am I making a movie? We're living in this amazing time where anyone can make a movie for very cheap, for for free even. Uh, and it's incredible to think about it that way. So I'm so glad you've written about that. And in the book, just so everyone knows, Lisa goes through in chapter one, she goes talks about how you can dream big, how you can change your life, how you can bet on yourself. I literally just picked out one thing from one chapter that I find interesting. Because I find that excuses keep growing no matter where you're at. No matter where you're at. And what I've realized for me is that my excuse is based on a season.

• 19:30Jay Shetty?

  So right now, I'm in a season of writing my book. Comes out next year, my second book. And I know that when I'm writing my book, all my creative energy goes into writing a book. So I know that I can't really do many other things that are highly creative. Because all my energy goes into the book. But as soon as my book time's over, I now get all this new creative time back and I can do a lot of stuff. So during this period, I accept that my excuse is true, that I can't do much more. But once that's over, now I know I can go off and do other things.

• 20:02Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, and I would actually then, when I come to that conclusion going, oh, okay, this excuse makes sense based on what I'm trying to do. I then flip and go, cool, this is now longer excuse, it's a reason.

• 20:12Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 20:12Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so I, because here's what I like to, I actually like to call myself on it. So Lisa, you're using that as an excuse. And so I want to make sure that I'm always defining that word that gets me the emotion I'm trying to feel to propel me forward.

• 20:24Jay Shetty?

  I love that. That makes so much sense. Yeah, exactly. And that's what you're right. It's not an excuse, it's a reason.

• 20:28Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 20:29Jay Shetty?

  I love that. Alright, rule two is called make up your mindset. And the one that I loved out of all of these sections of this chapter is I can get good at anything.

• 20:39Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 20:40Jay Shetty?

  I love that mindset. Can you tell me about something that you were once terrible at? That today you would consider yourself to be fantastic at? And I know you won't hold back because I know we both agree that it's so easy to like never accept that we actually got good at anything. But I'm hoping everyone, and I'll do the same. When you hear me and Lisa own that we're now good at something, please see it as a sign for you to own your own growth. Because we live in this world where we judge ourselves when we're losing. And then we judge ourselves when we're winning. And it's so important to lose judgment at both times.

• 21:15Lisa Bilyeu?

  That's so true.

• 21:16Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 21:18Jay Shetty?

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• 22:01Jay Shetty?

  indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs.

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• 22:39Jay Shetty?

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• 23:12Lisa Bilyeu?

  I've been a stay at home wife for eight years, been thrust into Quest Nutrition. I was just helping out the husband. I'm a good Greek wife. I'm going to help the husband out. What do I need to do? Now, I didn't have any skill set in building a company. Zero. I knew how to be a great wife. I knew filmmaking because I went to film school for it and I knew I had to take care of my two dogs and my husband. That was like my skill set.

• 23:33Jay Shetty?

  That's pretty good.

• 23:33Lisa Bilyeu?

  It's pretty, not too bad. But when you go into a startup company, every single day, I was faced with things I had no idea to the little things of a pallet. I was shipping bars off my living room floor. We grew at fifty seven thousand percent. So literally within a few weeks, a few months, I'm shipping out twenty boxes. And so the UPS guy comes along and he's like, you know, I can actually take a lot more if you put everything on a pallet. I was too embarrassed to admit. I had no idea what a pallet was. So I was like, okay, great. Thanks, mate. You know, and he drives off. I run back to my computer and type in Google, what on earth is a pallet? You know, and then the image comes up like, oh yeah, I kind of know what those are. Where do I get one from? How much do they cost? So I literally just keep typing in. Where do I get one from? How much do they cost?

• 24:15Lisa Bilyeu?

  And that's the sort of thing that started to build my self-esteem around being the person that can figure it out. Not the person that knows everything. And it be- it becomes such a safe place for me because now I don't worry about not knowing something. I just, if I have the mentality and the ethos that I can figure it out, if I put the time and energy into it. Some things may take a second. What is a palette? Some things may take two years. But regardless, if I believe I can, I can actually take the steps forward. But if I believe I can't, I'm not going to. And let's face it, so many people are also there to be ready to tell you what you can't do. Yeah. So that's why you have to believe in yourself that you know how to, because you can very much get influenced from the outside world.

• 24:58Lisa Bilyeu?

  Like one of the very early days, I don't know if you know this story, actually, one of the very early days of Quest. We had like Justin Bieber's cousin was like contacted Quest and so they're like, oh my god. Lisa, we can get Quest a boss to Justin Bieber. But here's the catch, he's in Dubai and you've only got like twenty four, forty eight hours to get it to him. And everyone was like, but it's impossible. Everyone said it's impossible. I called up my UPS guy, they're like, it's impossible. It's a food product, it's Dubai, it's import, it's like all this like logistics. And in that moment, I was like, no one's gonna fight for your dream more than you will. So of course, my request to my, even the UPS person, I'm making his life harder. So when he sees the hurdle or he's like, eh, it's impossible.

• 25:41Lisa Bilyeu?

  But no one will fight for your dream more than you will. So I didn't take impossible as an option. I didn't know what I was doing. I figured it out. And so I literally said, okay. If you're the person that figures it out, what would this look like? Don't take no for an answer. Ask questions. Ask boatloads of questions. Instead of feeling badly about myself for not knowing, just keep asking. So I would get on like, I'm, oh, okay, you can't help me. Can I speak to your manager, please? Manager comes up, it's impossible. Can you explain to me why? Well, because of the customs. All right, what if, what if I overpaid customs? Well, but what about this slip? Well, okay, I'll just fill out the slip in advance and I'll be up at three in the morning. In case it gets there, I'll be on call. Like every time there's a problem. Do you have a way to think around it? And it's not that I knew what I was doing.

• 26:25Lisa Bilyeu?

  That's the key is that I just had the mentality that no one's going to fight for my dream more than me. And I'm not going to take no as an answer. And because of those things, I ended up figuring it out. And I ended up getting bars to JB in time. I don't know if he actually ever received them though. That's the heartbreaking thing. It was like I got confirmation, they arrived to his hotel. And to me though, that was the thing that I held on to. That no one thought it was possible. All the experts thought it was impossible. I didn't know what I was doing, but I went in there as the learner and said, Lisa, you're going to figure it out.

• 26:58Jay Shetty?

  I love that story. Do you know why? Because it's so practical, like it's so tangible. It's not like this ethereal dream that you made come true. It's literally like, we need to get these bars from this country to this country. And you can see all the steps it takes and you can see every moment where you could have just gone. Can't be bothered now. And that's literally the only thing. And actually, whether he got it or not is irrelevant to the fact that you were able to figure it out.

• 27:27Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes.

• 27:27Jay Shetty?

  And it shows that now you can apply that to anything big or small. And now you are applying it to movies and comic books and you know, whatever else it may be. But it started off by just trying to get a bar from, from one country to another. I honestly hope that everyone who's listening and watching, the reason why I love Lisa's examples is because they're just so tangible. They're so real. And I think sometimes it's like, maybe you're listening right now and you have a company you want to start. Or you have a podcast you want to launch or you have a YouTube channel that's in your head. And it really is as simple today as going on Google, typing it in and trying it.

• 28:04Jay Shetty?

  And I think the biggest mistake, Lisa, I want to hear your take on this is I think we often try things too slow. And therefore the results are more painful to accept. I'll, I'll give you an example of what I mean. If I'm interested by something, let's take something like. What you just did, if you took three months to type in what's a pallet, then three months later, you'll figure out how much they cost. And then three months later, maybe the prices go up. And now in 12 months, you're going, oh, well, I guess that wasn't useful. Whereas if you go back that day like you did, and then you went and researched how much they cost, and then you researched the budget and everything else that you did, you learn it so fast that now you can take action.

• 28:49Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 28:49Jay Shetty?

  So often, what I think is that we need to experiment more often as opposed to like trying to make something happen over a year. If you try and do it in an hour, you're actually more likely to learn and grow rather than saying, okay, I'm gonna spend 10 minutes on this every week. If you can spend an hour on it this weekend, you probably make a bit more growth and you'll feel more momentum. I don't know what your thoughts are on that.

• 29:13Lisa Bilyeu?

  A thousand percent. I think the reason why people don't know is they fear it not being perfect.

• 29:17Jay Shetty?

  Yes.

• 29:18Lisa Bilyeu?

  So they're like, well, let me just figure it like, let me take the stepping stones, let me process it, let me. And I actually get it. That fear really can stop so many of us. But that's why I have the identity of being the learner, of being the person that actually, you know what? I don't know this today and I don't judge myself for it, but I can learn. And it's that if, like, what is that goal? How do you keep moving forward? And then the fear part, that voice in the head that I very much talk about is telling me, well, Lisa, you don't know what you're doing. Well, Lisa, you know, who do you think you are? Like, you don't have any, you know, expertise in this area. But if I'm then bypass it by being like, oh, no, you don't know anything. So, hey, you should learn, you know, it's like bypass that voice to then get you to act.

• 30:03Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 30:03Lisa Bilyeu?

  And then in that action, you then feel the competence that then builds the confidence to then keep going.

• 30:08Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 30:08Lisa Bilyeu?

  But it is that starting point that is very fearful. And so recently, in fact, I don't know how you felt in like launching a book and stuff like that. And we're very creative. So as part of the creative, I get very um hypo um microscopic on everything. It's like, that's not good enough. No, that's not right. And I realized I was actually holding myself back because to your point, like, I wasn't just like learning from that. I wasn't just putting things out. And so I ended up sitting down and saying, okay, right now, this fear of like trying to be perfect is actually holding you back. I don't judge myself for it, but I say, how do I overcome this feeling? Because I can't force myself not to feel it. So I have to come up with some a plan, a tactic to overcome the way that I'm handling it.

• 30:52Lisa Bilyeu?

  So I sat there and I was like, oh, I'm looking for perfection. Does perfection help impact people with this book? No. Okay, great. So how do I overcome this? I need to be deliberate, not perfect. Hey, that's actually really strong. That really hit me. Be deliberate. How do I remind myself that in moments? Because we all have habits. So the habit of me right now is to be perfect. So how do I overcome this habit of being perfect? Okay, I'm gonna put in my phone, it's something I call in my um in the book, it's like phone roulette. So it's actually you've got this roulette, but it's you put a message in your phone, you close your eyes and you spin the time and you close your eyes and you don't know what time you've set it. And the whole point for this is to keep reminding yourself in random moments of the message you're trying to

• 31:35Lisa Bilyeu?

  um become a habit in your mind. So I put in be deliberate, not perfect. And I did the roulette and I did it for about three weeks. And after that, I don't need it anymore. Now, every time something comes to me, I just go, okay, I want to be deliberate, not perfect. Okay, yep, great. This is good to go.

• 31:52Jay Shetty?

  Wow. So wait, you choose the message.

• 31:55Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 31:55Jay Shetty?

  And then you put a random time.

• 31:57Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 31:57Jay Shetty?

  And then your phone will buzz at that time and remind you of that message that you put in.

• 32:01Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, and I don't know what.

• 32:02Jay Shetty?

  That's so cool.

• 32:03Lisa Bilyeu?

  And I don't know when it's gonna go off.

• 32:04Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 32:05Lisa Bilyeu?

  So look, sometimes it goes off at the worst time, right when you're in an interview with Jay Shetty. Right? But I did this once for.

• 32:12Jay Shetty?

  That's so cool.

• 32:13Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, I I did it once as an experiment, because I am always going, I don't judge myself for how I feel, but I don't accept that as an excuse.

• 32:20Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 32:21Lisa Bilyeu?

  So, okay, you've this is real, don't feel badly, but what are you gonna do to overcome it? So that was one of those things. I was actually really scared for TED Talk. This is actually how it started. I was so scared about getting in front on stage. And I had all these like tactics. Okay, I'm gonna have a blueprint. How do I think about it? How do I turn up? What's my Wonder Woman cuffs? Like all these things of how am I gonna get on stage in the first place? And part of that ritual leading up to it was I did a little, you got this and I did the little muscle emoji. And I closed my eyes and I spun it. Now, sometimes it happened in like when I was peeing, you know, like it is like not a great time. But it really, really worked. Like it hit me so hard. And in moments when I was practicing for my speech.

• 33:03Lisa Bilyeu?

  I didn't realize that it went off. So now here I am practicing, I'm reading over, I'm getting in my own head, I'm getting tense. I'm like, oh my god, can I do really do this? The alarm happened to go off at that time. So now I'm like, oh yeah, I do got this Lisa. So now I go back and it becomes this little reminder, your own cheerleader.

• 33:19Jay Shetty?

  Wow, I love that idea. That's such a cool, that's absolutely brilliant. And also that statement, be deliberate, not perfect. I think it's such a great mantra. And I'm gonna be honest here as well, like so. I really dislike the cover of my book, my first book that I did. I really dislike it. And I was forced into having to pick and decide because of time. And so I, when I was writing my first book, I was so absorbed in writing it, I didn't really have time to think about the cover. We got to finish writing it and then I was told I need a cover and testimonials within the next two weeks. And I didn't know anyone who designed book covers at the time. And so I was scrambling to do that and I was trying to get the testimonials from people and.

• 34:02Jay Shetty?

  Asking for testimonials, as you know, is a tough thing to do. And so you're like, okay, well now I've got two weeks to ask someone for something. So I'm doing this. And then all of a sudden, then they're like, oh, no, no, now we've got to just go with this cover and we're gonna design it. And I really don't like it now. You know, it didn't impact the book in the sense of it's been wonderful to see the book out there. And I hope people can sense my intention. I think that's what I always focus on is my intention is, I just wanna serve through this book. And people can feel that, but I give myself the grace and space that that was my first book. I didn't know the process. I didn't understand. This time I've handed in my first manuscript and I'm working on the cover already. And it's like, it's okay. And that's like, you know, and the reason why I'm sharing that is people may look at my first book and of course.

• 34:47Jay Shetty?

  It's sold really well, it's done really well, whatever. And it's like, and people may just be like, oh, well Jay, you just nailed it. And I'm like, but even I don't feel I nailed it. Like I didn't. Because there was a part of it that I would have wanted to improve.

• 34:57Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 34:57Jay Shetty?

  You've got an epic front cover.

• 34:59Lisa Bilyeu?

  Oh, thank you.

• 35:00Jay Shetty?

  This, look at this radical confidence front cover. It's so beautiful. It's amazing. And, and I think that. What we have to realise is that as creators, we'll always be critical of our own work. Even when no one notices it. And so I wanted everyone to hear that, that you're doing that, I'm doing that, we're all doing that. So if your first episode of your podcast isn't great, you've got a second one. If the first video on your YouTube channel is not great, there's another one. Like, there's always another take.

• 35:25Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah. And I love the critical part of it because what you're doing is, yeah, you're being critical about yourself, but you're not letting it stop you move forward. And that's the key. It's like, I don't always just go, yeah, Lisa, you got this. Like, no, no. I definitely assess, like, I am critical of myself. I do like to reassess. But I'm at the stage, at least in my growth, that I don't let that stop me. And in the past, it would. In the past, I would look at something that I've done and I would be so critical of it that I would beat myself up so much that it stopped me from moving forward.

• 35:54Jay Shetty?

  Yes, yes. I think that's a really good clarification as well. And, and I think deliberate not perfect is such a brilliant mantra. So, I love that. All right. Going on. I love this one. Validation is for parking. I, I was like, I love parking validation. Uh, but yes, validation is for parking. The one that I love about this one is I can validate myself.

• 36:16Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 36:16Jay Shetty?

  I think that's been such a big lesson for me. What is something you think you constantly wanted other people to validate you for? What is something that you've always seeked external validation for that took the longest journey?

• 36:28Lisa Bilyeu?

  Oh, that took the longest journey. That's interesting. I think there's still a part of me that kind of, I think that maybe, and maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like there's a part of everyone that still wants to be validated. And it's just instinctual. So going back to, I don't judge myself for it, but I know it's unhealthy. So in fact, here's a perfect example. It's not really answering your question, but it kind of is with the book. I was originally, when someone offered me the book deal, the very first words out of my mouth were, who would buy a book from me? So there's the insecurity. So I'm like, Lisa, ah, that fourteen year old girl is still inside you. It's okay. You know, like, she still does exist. That's okay. But I'm not gonna let her hold me back. So I start writing the book.

• 37:07Lisa Bilyeu?

  Now, in writing the book, I start to go, oh, I really want a New York Times number one, right? Like, we've all got something like, your book is amazing and everyone. And so it's like, oh, I've got a goal. I'm a, still got a good, I think, you know, I'm a business entrepreneur. So I set my goal. I set where I'm trying to go. And I moved deliberately towards that. Now, here's the thing. What if I don't reach it? Does me not getting there now mean that the book's no good? And I realised the danger of looking for external validation for the work that you do and the way that you show up. And now the only thing that I can do is do the foundation work so that when that happens, the instinctual part of Lisa doesn't come out. And so what I said is, what's my north star? Why did I actually write this book?

• 37:49Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes, I have the goals, but I don't want the goal without it actually creating impact. So let's say I want new times, right? But does it actually create impact? That's my north star. That's the, the big, big like thing that I'm going towards. So how are people going to respond to it? Okay, yes, of course I want it to create impact. But what if it actually doesn't impact anyone, Jay? What if everyone hates it? That's a big possibility when I was writing, I didn't know. And so what am I going to do to make sure that I still feel validated and I still feel my worth? And so I said, what am I going to do now? Number one, do you give it your all? Because, and here's the thing when I say that, you know. Everyone at home, you know, if you've given it your all, you can tell other people you have, but you really know. So am I going to give it my all? Yes or no?

• 38:33Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes, great, that's going to be a metric I'm gonna go by. If I gave it my all, I've got nothing else to give. Am I going to learn from this experience if it does badly? Yes. Did I have beautiful intentions? Yes. Am I going to really, if it fails, not beat yourself up? But are you absolutely going to take a hard look and identify all the things that you think that you failed in? Yes. Great, now I can move forward. Move forward. And if it doesn't do well, I've got those bullet points that I'm gonna go back to and say, I had every intention to help women that felt like I did. I had that north star. I knew what I was trying to do. I gave it my all.

• 39:14Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so if now no one likes it, I'm not going to feel badly about myself because I showed up. And that's the thing, Jay, no one can affect whether you show up or not. Get about the failure and successes. No one can affect whether whoever's listening at home, if you showed up or not. The only person that can affect that is you.

• 39:32Jay Shetty?

  I love that. And that's actually what needs to happen before we start any journey. And I think a lot of society has made us focus on the goal. So it's like, what's your goal? Where do you want to be? What's the output? What's the result? And what you've just described is the input. It's what you're bringing. It's what you're focused on. And I think that's one of the biggest mistakes of goal setting. Is that goals are just made up targets. They're just made up targets. They're just random things. And it's like, they're nice, they're cool. But they don't make you happy because, by the way, even the people that reach their goals are not happy.

• 40:11Lisa Bilyeu?

  Hundred percent.

• 40:12Jay Shetty?

  Because it's never satisfying. It's like, okay, we got to this goal, but now we didn't stay there. Or we got to that goal, but we didn't get there next time. Or this time, we hit that goal constantly, but I'm still dissatisfied because I became lonely in the process. Right? So there's always something else around that goal. So it's not only the people that don't make their goals that are not happy. It's also the people that make their goals that are not happy because it's not about the goal.

• 40:35Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, exactly. And the result is never guaranteed either.

• 40:38Jay Shetty?

  Exactly.

• 40:39Lisa Bilyeu?

  So it's like, what are you gonna do? Work hard for something, pour your heart into it and only feel good about yourself? Whether it succeeds or not, it's just not sustainable.

• 40:47Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 40:48Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so to me, that's what I look at. What is sustainable for me to keep showing up for the rest of my life?

• 40:54Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 40:54Lisa Bilyeu?

  And that's like, when I think about, oh, if I'm looking at the results, it's not sustainable in a year, in two years. When I crash and burn, because look, when you try anything new, the chances are you're gonna fail at it at some point.

• 41:05Jay Shetty?

  Yep.

• 41:05Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so if I'm failing, how do I keep getting back up? It's that precise thing.

• 41:10Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I love that principle. I think that's just so huge because I just think we as a society constantly force people to set these big dreams, goals and targets that are arbitrary to our actual joy and happiness. Like, they don't actually connect to feeling good.

• 41:27Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 41:27Jay Shetty?

  Even if you make it, right? And so I think that's the biggest one. All right, I want to go through a few more of these. Uh, because there's so many good ones. I'm skipping a few chapters because I want you to get the book and read it. But there's a few things that I want to talk about. Okay, this one's a big one. Uh, this is chapter seven, which is called toughen the F up buttercup. Um, and it says, I can stop saying I'm sorry.

• 41:49Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 41:51Jay Shetty?

  This is huge, like the amount of people that constantly feel like they have to stop saying sorry. What are some of the things that you hear a lot in this space of things that people apologize a lot for? This episode is brought to you by Amtrak. You know that feeling when you're already tired and you haven't even gotten there yet? That's where Amtrak comes in. Leave the driving behind and settle into a comfortable seat with plenty of room to stretch out. Catch up on work with wifi, grab a snack at the cafe car, or just sit back and enjoy your favorite podcast. Choose a cellar or northeast regional and get there without the stress of getting there. Visit amtrak.com to plan your next trip. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary,

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• 43:21Jay Shetty?

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• 44:04Jay Shetty?

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• 44:10Lisa Bilyeu?

  So I also wanted to put a little asterix to that because in the book, I actually, I think it's like the first line is, guys, stop apologizing. And yet, guys, always apologize. Because that's the thing, a lot of what I say, like, feels like almost sometimes contradictory. But look, I think that the message of just stop apologizing isn't actually accurate.

• 44:30Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 44:30Lisa Bilyeu?

  Right? Because if it's like, if you upset your friend and you're the one that is the person in the fault, you should apologize.

• 44:36Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 44:36Lisa Bilyeu?

  Like, you know, if like, if I've said something that really, that has upset Tom, and it's like, okay, I didn't mean to upset him, of course you should apologize. So I never want people to think that apology is a bad thing. The problem is, we apologize so much, that what it's doing is it's telling you that your opinion isn't valid. So like, I think the example I give in the book is like, let's say, for instance, I choose, you know me and very much like you, self-care is very important. I must take care of myself first before I show up for anyone else. And with how much we work, I burn out. And so I need to make sure that I don't go to that burnout. So sometimes I get invited to a lot of amazing places. And I know in that moment, it's, I have to actually choose self-care. Now, if I'm apologizing for putting myself first,

• 45:21Lisa Bilyeu?

  subconsciously, over time, what is that doing? It may not seem like it in the moment. I just think when you keep having that repetition in your head, that voice, that mindset, that you're always apologizing for putting yourself first, it becomes detrimental to you. And so for me, I was like, I'm no longer going to apologize for putting my self-care first. I'm always going to be very respectful. It's never like, well, you know, F you. But it absolutely is. How you use language makes a difference. The language you use, and that's really the big key thing in all of this. If you say the word sorry, is that actually authentic to you? Or are you dismissing something that's actually very important to you, like self-care?

• 46:02Lisa Bilyeu?

  So if someone invites me out, I won't actually, if it, and I'm doing self-care instead, I actually won't say I'm sorry. I'll say, oh my God, I really hope you have an amazing time. You know, let me know how it is, but right now, you know, I'm unable to attend. Obviously, very politely, but I just don't use the word sorry.

• 46:17Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, no, I, I think that's huge because what you said is, over time, what we're basically saying is, we don't think we deserve that.

• 46:24Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes.

• 46:24Jay Shetty?

  Or that what we're doing is wrong.

• 46:25Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes.

• 46:26Jay Shetty?

  Right? That's what you're saying. If you're saying sorry, like you define the word, you're like saying, I'm wrong, that's why I'm sorry. I'm wrong in not wanting to come out with you. You're not wrong.

• 46:36Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 46:36Jay Shetty?

  You just wanna do something that's right for you.

• 46:39Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, and it just then reinforces, right? Because like, like repetition creates habit. And I'm so aware of that, of how the words I use affect how I show up. So like, can I share a story?

• 46:51Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, I'd love to. You're an amazing storyteller. So I always love hearing you say, yeah, go for it.

• 46:56Lisa Bilyeu?

  There was this one time I'm on vacation and I'm standing in line and I don't know about you, I get very chatty in line on vacation.

• 47:02Jay Shetty?

  I would love to be in line with you on vacation, yeah.

• 47:05Lisa Bilyeu?

  So there's this woman behind me and we start chatting. She's like, oh, what do you do? So I start telling all the things, you know, the, you know, Quest and Impact Theory and Women of Impact. And eventually I was like, okay, I'm talking a lot. I was like, oh, what are you doing? She goes, oh, I'm just a mum. Just a mum? Just? I was, and I was like, well, what do you mean? She goes, I will have three kids. I homeschool, but I'm just a mum. She was so downplaying her achievements by using the word just. Now, it may not seem like a big deal, but imagine she says that to herself over and over again. She's really invalidating how much she's bringing to the table. And so in that moment, I almost couldn't help myself, Jay. I was like, I'm so sorry, but you just said just. I was like, what you're doing is incredible. I was like, you're bringing up the next generation.

• 47:49Lisa Bilyeu?

  And you're doing it for three children and homeschooling. I was like, so I was like, that isn't a just. As soon as I said that, her demeanor changed. She starts glowing, talking about all the classes, all these new tests that she was trying on her kids to see what would work and what didn't. In just, in removing the word just, changed how she saw herself. And that was just one word in one moment. Now think about the words we use in our own head over and over and over again.

• 48:18Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, and I think that's the point, that in that moment, you'd only heard her say it once.

• 48:24Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes.

• 48:24Jay Shetty?

  But she's heard herself say it every day. Where whenever she meets someone who is externally doing more, right?

• 48:34Lisa Bilyeu?

  Quote unquote, yeah.

• 48:35Jay Shetty?

  More, externally quote unquote more, quote unquote, because it's her perception. She is then looking at herself as less than every single time.

• 48:47Jay Shetty?

  Because society has made some things feel like more and some things feel like less. But in that moment, you've reminded her that actually what she's doing is unique. It's beautiful. It's wonderful. And I think that's what I love about what you're saying about language. Because I do think it's so easy, because we've created this hierarchy of first and second. You think about it, someone might have just broken the world record and comes second. But someone broke the overall world record and came first.

• 49:16Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 49:17Jay Shetty?

  Right? You both may have beaten the most latest world record. But except you're not looking at it, you're looking at going, I came second. But you also just did something amazing. And even in that example, whereas, yeah, I think it's, I think language is really interesting. And I think the way we talk to ourselves is really interesting. And I do believe that it's always gonna be a balance of, you don't wanna lie to yourself either way. And I think that's the problem. Right? Both of them are lies. Saying to yourself, I'm the best in the world and I'm better than everyone. That's a lie. And saying, I'm the worst, I'm just a mum. That's also a lie. Neither of those are actually true.

• 49:53Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, that's so true. And we are so conditioned ourselves into thinking a certain way that it becomes like the belief system that maybe we don't even question because we don't even realize it's there. And so that's what I just love about everything we're talking about. I mean, you know, is it Carol Dweck? I think it was her that said, just add the word yet onto a sentence. I can't do X, Y, and Z yet. It's one word, three letters. And yet it changes everything of how we perceive that thing. If you say, I can't play the piano, or I can't play the piano yet, night and day.

• 50:27Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, it changes everything.

• 50:28Lisa Bilyeu?

  Everything, yeah.

• 50:29Jay Shetty?

  Language changes everything. I, I do recommend that everyone sits down and defines the words they use the most in their life. Because, and chances are, you and your partner, you and your kids, you and your parents, all have different definitions. And so you've got to be really careful because you may have defined your words. You've got to make sure that their words are aligned or that they have their own definition that you're aware of.

• 50:50Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 50:51Jay Shetty?

  Because otherwise, when they say, well, I don't think you've done something significant. You have to know what you mean by significant, otherwise you're gonna take that personally. So I rarely take people's words personally because I know their definition is not the same as mine.

• 51:06Lisa Bilyeu?

  Oh my god, yeah, Tom and I, in our marriage, we have our own little like bill you dictionary. Because for that exact reason, because if I say to him, hey babe, this is really important to me. I say the word important three times in a year. So you better believe I want his all attention. I want him to drop everything. Now, if we haven't had that discussion and he uses the important four times in a day, he goes, okay, cool. And now I feel completely dismissed because I only use it three times. So there's a weight that I bring to that word, but he doesn't. Now, does that mean that he's wrong and I'm right? No, it just means to your point that we have different definitions of what that word specifically means. So like the one of the worst words that I think it does detriment to so many people, especially women, is the word should.

• 51:48Lisa Bilyeu?

  That like is the word that literally is like handcuffs so many of us. I should do this. I should be a good wife. I should be a good Greek wife. I should take care of my husband. I should put his, you know, that was what I was taught. I should have kids. Like it didn't even dawn on me that I could ask, hang on, do I want kids? Because I just use the word in my head over and over again.

• 52:07Jay Shetty?

  So powerful and you can make so many big decisions in life with bad language.

• 52:12Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 52:13Jay Shetty?

  And it's it's scary actually where it can go. And if you're someone who feels you have done that for a long time, you can change words. That's the best thing about it. You can change your definitions. You can change your words. All right, one more that I want to take that I love. Because this one really, really stood out to me is I can be too sensitive. I think that's one that gives a lot of permission because you're a very practical person. I watch your Instagram stories and you're always someone who shares what you're feeling. But then you share what you do about it.

• 52:46Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 52:47Jay Shetty?

  And so I'll see you go, I woke up, didn't want to work out today, but here I am. Or like, you know, woke up, my gut wasn't great today, but then this is what we did. Like you're very open about the feeling and being sensitive, but then moving. How did you get good at closing the gap? Between allowing yourself to feel and being sensitive to actually taking action.

• 53:07Lisa Bilyeu?

  I think because I didn't do, I didn't move forward, I literally for eight years. You know, my life was what I feel like was in the purgatory of the Monday.

• 53:14Jay Shetty?

  I can't believe you like that. I can't even imagine you like that because I've never, we never knew each other then.

• 53:19Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah, well, same. I feel the same about you when I hear about your, your crazy wild boy stories when you're young. I'm like, you. Like, it just seems strange, but that just actually is great, right, to show that we really can evolve, we really can change by making these different choices in our lives. And so for eight years, I was making the same choices to stay stuck. And so I didn't have that, how do I incrementally move towards my goal? How, what am I doing today? And so now I've just, because of that, I just say, the way that I feel right now, does it serve the thing that I'm trying to do? And so sometimes, like, being sensitive can be beautiful, right? It means that we're in touch with our emotions and that we can actually feel things. And especially when you're creative, you want that. You need to like go with your heart and your emotions.

• 54:04Lisa Bilyeu?

  But sometimes being too sensitive can hold you back.

• 54:07Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 54:08Lisa Bilyeu?

  And I don't beat myself up over it, but I don't think being too sensitive all the time serves you. And part of the messaging out there is like, no, you should be always sensitive. And I just go, look, sometimes it actually doesn't serve what you're trying to do. That doesn't mean that you should ignore it. That doesn't mean that you should beat yourself up over feeling it. But if I say, okay, the way I'm feeling right now doesn't actually help me move forward towards impacting that fourteen year old girl. Okay, so what am I gonna do? I'm gonna fill the fills. Right? I give myself the grace and the cuddle to go, okay, Lisa, yes, you're here. That's okay. It's like, you know, that friend. It's all right. But does this actually help you help that fourteen year old girl that feels insecure? Does that help that other woman that you're trying to help?

• 54:52Lisa Bilyeu?

  If the answer is no, what am I gonna do about it? Because sitting there stuck won't get me there. Again, I've been there eight years, not moving forward. I know what that feels like. I know where that gets me. It's important for me to acknowledge the truth that we can be sensitive and to just say it's okay all the time won't actually help. And so that's where it's like the duality of. Everything I almost talk about becomes like these dualities. It's like embracing it and then not accepting it. It's like I embrace who I am today and yet I don't accept who I am today. I know where I'm trying. I wanna get better every day. I wanna improve. So how do you do both without um you know, lack- lacking the enthusiasm to keep moving forward?

• 55:34Lisa Bilyeu?

  And it always is giving myself the grace that yes, I feel like that. I'm not gonna dismiss that part of me. That is what makes me me. And yet, I'm not gonna let um hold me back from the life I want.

• 55:46Jay Shetty?

  I love that. I think you've perfectly summed up how a healthy mindset can be where it's not either or, it's and.

• 55:54Lisa Bilyeu?

  Mm hmm.

• 55:55Jay Shetty?

  Right? It's both. And I think everyone's always like, well, should you be really vulnerable? Or should you be really like action oriented? And it's like, be both.

• 56:03Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 56:03Jay Shetty?

  Like be vulnerable and then take action. Like, should I be really sensitive and compassionate? Or should I be really brave and courageous? It's like be both. It's like, should I be affectionate or assertive? It's like be affectionately assertive, like be both. Like you don't, and and I think we've just been brought to believe that everything's either or.

• 56:22Lisa Bilyeu?

  Mm hmm.

• 56:23Jay Shetty?

  And what you've just said is no, I can be both. I can embrace myself and I don't have to accept where I'm at.

• 56:29Lisa Bilyeu?

  Can I add one little extra thing? So also, is your sensitivity actually warranted? Now, what I mean by that is, I still accept it, so I never dismiss it, but I don't know if it's always warranted. Have you ever been hungry?

• 56:44Jay Shetty?

  Oh, a lot, yeah, yeah.

• 56:45Lisa Bilyeu?

  So literally, just by not eating, you get mad.

• 56:47Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 56:48Lisa Bilyeu?

  So think about sensitivity. It's the same thing. Maybe you're really tired that day. Maybe you haven't eaten. For me, the biggest realization with this whole topic was middle of my gut issues. I was in absolute pain. I wasn't eating much, like I could barely eat. So I was extremely malnutritioned, like I was twenty pounds lighter. And so now, I'm in this business meeting, we're at Quest, and I'm sitting in front of Tom and there's like maybe ten other people. And me and him start debating something. Now, this is like, I've debated with him so many times up to this point. But because my gut was hurting me so much, because I couldn't eat, and because I was tired, he'd said something and inside I wanted to burst into tears. And so I was like, you're not gonna cry, Lisa, you're not gonna cry. Meeting goes over and I go into his uh his restroom and I just start tearing up.

• 57:33Lisa Bilyeu?

  And he walks in thinking that I was like had a bad stomach and he sees me in tears. First time I'm crying at work, Quest. So he's really shocked. He's like, babe, what's wrong? And I was like, you were so mean to me. And he's like, what is happening right now? I've never said that, especially at work. And he's like, babe, I love you. Could this possibly be because of your health? And of course, I was sensitive. So I was like, don't you dismiss my feelings, you know? And he's like, I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings, but let's just take things right now for how they are. You've never cried at work. You've never made it personal, never. But even by saying you're mean to me is a personal thing. How many times have we debated at work? You've never had this emotional reaction.

• 58:17Lisa Bilyeu?

  And the facts are, babe, you're in pain. So can we maybe just say that right now you are being sensitive? That you may not otherwise feel if your health was better.

• 58:28Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 58:29Lisa Bilyeu?

  And so in that moment, I was like, actually, you know what? Sometimes your sensitivity comes from something else.

• 58:35Jay Shetty?

  Totally.

• 58:36Lisa Bilyeu?

  But you take it personally.

• 58:37Jay Shetty?

  Oh, you, I mean, you're spot on. I mean, I genuinely don't trust myself if I'm hungry or I'm tired.

• 58:43Lisa Bilyeu?

  Right.

• 58:43Jay Shetty?

  Like, I just don't make good decisions. I don't make decisions. I don't make choices. I will put something off. If I'm hungry or I'm tired, I will say I'll think about it tomorrow. I just don't want to make that decision because I know I'll make poor decisions, let alone with our feelings.

• 58:58Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 58:58Jay Shetty?

  And how we treat people.

• 58:59Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 59:00Jay Shetty?

  And I can remember that actually, when I was going through health things as well, I was a lot snappier. I was a lot more irritable.

• 59:06Lisa Bilyeu?

  Did you say you were a little too sensitive?

• 59:08Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, exactly. Yeah, with Ravi, I was way more agitated when I was struggling because you're. Really what's happening is all your body's energy is trying to solve that issue. And so you have no energy, you don't have any capacity left. For the part that you would usually have a little bit of resilience to deal with something that's not comfortable.

• 59:30Lisa Bilyeu?

  Exactly.

• 59:31Jay Shetty?

  And now, everything that would have just been uncomfortable becomes personal.

• 59:34Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes.

• 59:35Jay Shetty?

  And that's what's happening, right?

• 59:37Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes.

• 59:37Jay Shetty?

  Because you've lost that capacity for discomfort.

• 59:40Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yes.

• 59:40Jay Shetty?

  And I've realised that many times when I'm tired, or I'm hungry, or I'm going through something health-wise, I lose my ability for discomfort, when usually I'd be more than happy to be in discomfort or handle some austerity.

• 59:54Lisa Bilyeu?

  And the fact that you know that about yourself, though, allows you now to manoeuvre.

• 59:58Jay Shetty?

  Yeah.

• 59:58Lisa Bilyeu?

  It's not that you dismiss that you're a bad person, or that means something about you, you just know, oh, okay, I'm not in my full capacity, because I'm not, I don't have the things that I need in order to be able to handle this and not take it personally. So that's where in the books, like, it's so important for me to say, like, look, it's that, like, we don't, no, I'm sensitive, and you can't take that away from me, it's like, yes, but does it serve you, and is it actually true, or is it a reflection of other things in your life?

• 1:00:25Jay Shetty?

  I love that. I love that, Lisa, that's such a powerful, and I want everyone who knows, listening and watching, that this book is full of what I think Lisa does really well, is take on these really complex ideas, simplify them, but then still deal with the complexity, right? As you can hear, we're going back and forth on this stuff, because it's not either or, it's not one or the other, it's not like, here's the one answer that's going to solve everything, it's actually like, really textured and layered and messy, and you've got to think about it at that level if you really want to solve it, because just going out there and saying, just be sensitive, just share your feelings, like, that's only one half of the issue.

• 1:01:05Lisa Bilyeu?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:05Jay Shetty?

  And, and then there's all these other layers in between, and so, I think what Lisa does in Radical Confidence, is each of these ten lessons, they're going to simply tell you what to do next, but they're also going to help you think about how these ideas, and as she said at the beginning, the muscle builds over time. Lisa, thank you for writing this book. I again recommend everyone goes and grabs a copy. You won't be disappointed. I genuinely have always loved Lisa's storytelling ability. You saw it today. She's able to take you back into a moment in time. I hope you to reconnect with that 14 year old girl that she was. To reconnect with the housewife she was for eight years.

• 1:01:47Jay Shetty?

  You know, all of those elements in her life, which I think are identities that we can all relate to at different times in our own life. Lisa, any last words, anything that's on your mind, anything that's on your heart that you really want to share? I want to give you the space to say it.

• 1:02:00Lisa Bilyeu?

  No, just thank you so much for having me. And you know, you've really been witness as well to kind of me going from behind the scenes, you know, in front. And Raddie's been doing the same, like it's so beautiful to see like how much you support so many women in your life, you know, in your life. So thank you for being a part of my own journey and being such a good friend. And you know, my brother from another mother, you feel like home, dude. And I just cannot thank you enough for having me.

• 1:02:29Jay Shetty?

  I'm so proud of you for putting this together because I just think there's so many people out there who are struggling with these exact questions, these exact challenges. Some of the ones that I didn't take for anyone who's listening, because I think, you know, you'll resonate with these ones. Just people can relate to this. How can you develop the mindset to, I can set boundaries, I can choose how I react, I can rescue myself, I can be motivated, I can boost my confidence. I mean, these are all things that we all wish we could do. And I love how the book not only talks about the ideas in the way you'd expect, but I think you take this really counterintuitive approach to giving more depth on each one.

• 1:03:11Lisa Bilyeu?

  Thank you, because I think that was actually the thing that held me back is I would read all these one things about. And I was like, but that isn't really true to me, how you show up. And I think humans are very, you said it earlier, humans are complex, women were very complex. And so it's not binary, it's not one or the other. It's how do you deal with the beauty that makes up you?

• 1:03:29Jay Shetty?

  Yeah, absolutely. Everyone, make sure you subscribe to Women of Impact. Make sure you follow Lisa on Instagram. Make sure you go and grab a copy of the book. You won't be disappointed, I promise. And please do tag me and Lisa on any social media platform that you use, letting us know what stood out to you, what connected with you. Maybe you're going to take a picture of a page in the book that really resonated with you, that spoke to you. Highlight it, share it with us online. I genuinely love to see the feedback. And as you know, I do deeply, deeply, deeply support my friends who are authors on this podcast because writing a book is just not easy. When someone's promoting it and there's lots of cool posters and TV shows and billboards and all this kind of stuff, it can look very exciting, and it is exciting.

• 1:04:13Jay Shetty?

  But the journey of writing a book, getting it right, printing it, getting it sorted, and then taking it out there, it's a marathon. So if you ever see me share about books very enthusiastically, it comes from just knowing that the author's really been through it to get to that stage. So that's where my over enthusiasm kicks in. But thank you so much for listening and watching, everyone. A big thanks to Lisa for joining us today. Sending you lots of love. Make sure you pass this on to someone who needs it. And I'll see you next time on On Purpose. Thanks, everyone.

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