7 Steps On How To Say NO, Stop People Pleasing & Prioritize Yourself

Perhaps the hardest word you can say to someone is NO. Saying YES to something, even if it’s half-heartedly meant, is easier because you aren’t obliged to justify it. The pressure is less, and so it’s easier to say so. Whereas, if you say NO, there is this need to justify why you said that and why it isn’t possible for you to do anything at the moment. The guilt for refusing will haunt you. At the back of your mind, this guilt will pressure you to eventually give in. When you eventually give in, you won’t feel good about yourself because the situation is forcing you to do it. In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty talks about how to say NO without feeling guilty and why you need to say it clearly and openly. Win a limited edition, signed sampler box full of Jay & Radhi's favorite teas. Enter today! https://bit.ly/3jladpu Join the Sama Tea Founder's Club & enjoy exclusive perks and our private communi-TEA! https://bit.ly/37pPT0K Key Takeaways: 00:00 Intro 03:56 Are you a people pleaser? 08:59 Why do we feel guilty when we say NO? 11:11 Feeling bad for saying NO needs to go 13:09 Don’t say NO without actually saying no 15:47 Know why you are saying NO 19:45 Be clear about when you say NO 23:13 When you’re about to say no, thank the person for the interest 24:58 Remember that NO doesn’t mean it’s forever 27:09 You can be assertive and affectionate in saying NO Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on.

• 1:29Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose.

• 2:16Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells, Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. And if you've been thinking about a wardrobe refresh, this can make it feel a little more worthwhile. You're not just letting go of clothes, you're getting more value from what you already have.

• 3:00Jay Shetty?

  Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn.

• 3:10Speaker 01

  Oh my goodness, I have been waiting for this day. Jay and I are so excited to announce that this fall, we will be launching our very own hot tea brand called, drumroll please, Sama! Herbal tea has been part of my daily rituals for such a long time now. I choose different teas throughout the day, depending on how my body feels, my mood, my intention. It's really the first thing that I drink in the morning and the last thing that I drink at night. Luckily, Jay is exactly the same, so we have a moment together every morning, every night, sipping on tea. Over the last year, having a ritual that brings a little moment of peace, comfort, and presence has been so important. It reminds me of being at home with my family in London,

• 3:55Speaker 01

  sitting by the fire, laughing, sipping on tea, which is a feeling I have been missing a lot. It's been hard to find that feeling of comfort and of acceptance in the chaos lately, but honestly, a cup of tea has most definitely helped. There's so much more I want to share with you, but for now, go ahead and sign up today at sama tea dot com and enter to win a signed, limited edition sampler box full of vibrant, delicious, fantastic teas that will inspire moments of mindfulness.

• 4:26Jay Shetty?

  How many times have you said yes to something just because you want to feel nice? You don't want to feel like a bad, inconsiderate person, which is amazing because what we're basically saying is, we feel like bad, inconsiderate people when we do what is right for us. That's crazy.

• 4:54Jay Shetty?

  Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every single one of you that come back every single week to listen, learn, and grow. I just want to say how grateful I am at all of you sharing the podcast on your Instagram, on Twitter, on Facebook. It's phenomenal for me to see what you're learning from these episodes, what you're gaining from them. And I want to share with you some amazing reviews that came through this week. This one's from Elizabeth. She rated the podcast five stars and said, "So inspiring. I never review podcasts, mainly because I've never listened to one that has made such a big impact on my life. I'm always so excited to

• 5:36Jay Shetty?

  listen to another podcast of Jay's. I recently just bought his book, Think Like a Monk, and I highly recommend that as well. Thank you for sharing so much hope and inspiration to a world that desperately needs it." Elizabeth, that was such a generous and beautifully kind review. Thank you so much. This one is from Catherine252. "Every episode I've listened to hits home. Every episode has been right on time. Every episode has spoken directly to me. Every episode has been a gift from heaven. Thank you for being you and thank you for being an inspiration to the world." That is such a kind message, Catherine. Thank you so, so much. And I'm gonna read

• 6:18Jay Shetty?

  one more here. One second. I'm just scrolling through. There's so many. There's so many, and some of them are really long, which I really appreciate as well. This one is from Carly Brooke. I'm so grateful to have found this podcast. I have admired Jay and his work for many years, and I'm so thankful for his service with this podcast. I share this with friends and family all the time to share his teachings. Thank you for helping me to enhance my life on a weekly basis with your shows and topics. Thank you, Carly. There are so many more I want to read. I just want to let you know, we've got over 16,000 reviews now, which is just absolutely incredible. If you haven't left a review and you're listening regularly, please take a moment. It really does help the podcast.

• 7:02Jay Shetty?

  So let's dive straight in for today. How many of us feel we're people pleasers? How many of you are nodding or raising your hands right now? How many of you feel that you're always saying yes, even when you really want to say no? How many of you are nodding right now or have your hand up right now? How many of you are constantly in situations where you feel like you're going against your values, your priorities, or simply put, just what you need right now? You're like, I know I need to just sleep in. I know I need to recharge this weekend.

• 7:47Jay Shetty?

  I know that I really don't want to go out on Friday night. But you still find yourself out on that Friday night, out early that morning, sacrificing sleep, sacrificing rest. How many of you find yourself constantly going against what you feel you need on any given day or any given moment? This is the reality of the world we live in for each and every one of us. And by the way, I'm not immune to this either. I set myself up for these situations all the time, and I've developed this skill and habit of learning to say no over time. And I've definitely got better at it.

• 8:30Jay Shetty?

  I think I'm really pretty good at it actually right now. But I still make mistakes and I still pay the price. Whether that's feeling unwell, whether it's feeling exhausted during the week, whether it's not feeling like I'm giving my best to the things I really want to give my best to. That's what's really interesting about learning to say no, is that when you say yes to something at your best. You end up doing the thing you actually want to do at your worst. Right? That's what's so fascinating about it. You say yes to something and you end up doing something you don't want to do at your best. But then you end up doing something you do want to do at your worst. So if any of you have experienced this, this is the right podcast for you.

• 9:13Jay Shetty?

  And I can imagine there's so many of you right now going, yes, Jay, I skipped the gym because of that. I didn't get enough sleep because of that. You know, you know exactly who I'm talking to. You know who you are. So today I want to talk to you about the ways in which we can stop being people pleasers and start setting our own priorities. How we can learn to say no. Now, I was reading this amazing study that was shared by Psych Central. And they were talking about a psychologist called Dr. Vanessa Bonds. And she wrote in 2016 that many people agree to things, even things they would prefer not to do, simply to avoid the considerable discomfort of saying no.

• 9:58Jay Shetty?

  So we have this discomfort. We have this awkward feeling, uncomfortable feeling when we have to say no. And we just want to avoid conflict. How many of you feel? I mean, that's a different topic that we'll take on in a future episode about how we all try and avoid conflict. But how many of us are just trying to avoid even saying no? So most of us just want to fit in. We don't want to upset someone. We don't want to make someone feel we're not nice. Think about that for a moment. How many times have you said yes to something just because you want to feel nice? You don't want to feel like a bad, inconsiderate person.

• 10:39Jay Shetty?

  Which is amazing because what we're basically saying is we feel like bad, inconsiderate people when we do what is right for us. That's crazy, right? Think about that for a moment. We're saying that we feel like bad people. We feel like we're not nice and not good when we do things that make us sad.

• 11:04Jay Shetty?

  We're saying that we have to do things we don't want to do to feel good about ourselves. And that if we do things we want to do, we'll feel bad about ourselves. Think about that for a moment, literally press pause, not on the podcast in your mind. Press pause right now and think about that for a second. How does that make any sense? That we like ourselves more when we do things we don't like? And we dislike ourselves more when we do things we do like? So that doesn't make sense. So what I want to share with you today are seven steps to learn to say no, to get comfortable in the discomfort of saying no. Because chances are, your life's getting busier right now.

• 11:48Jay Shetty?

  Your social life's coming back stronger than ever. You're getting invited to more events, homes, parties, weddings than ever before. And now you feel some sense of guilt. And that's where I want to start. We shouldn't feel bad or guilty for saying no. Let's really explore this. Why do we feel bad and guilty? There could be a number of reasons. One of them is, we don't want to be seen as the bad guy, or the bad girl, or the bad person. Right? Another one of the reasons we feel guilty is we're like, well, that person would do it for me. They care about me. And here's the question I want you to start asking yourself. Can I go there?

• 12:30Jay Shetty?

  And can I give great energy there? And still have energy for the week I have set up? For the day I have set up? So when I get asked about something last minute, because usually these things are last minute, right? They never come scheduled in advance. And someone says to me, Jay, do you have time? And everything about me wants to look at my schedule. And I'm looking at my schedule and I'm going, okay, I'll find the time. That's the time. Okay, yeah, maybe I'll squeeze that in there. Maybe I'll do it there. And then I ask myself, if I took the energy to do that, do I still have the energy to do everything that I already had planned? Right? It becomes an energy conversation, not a time conversation.

• 13:13Jay Shetty?

  So usually we try to think of ourselves, do I have enough time to squeeze this in? And the problem with thinking about it as time is time, you can squeeze as much as you want into your time, but you can't squeeze more out of your energy. You can squeeze more in to your time, but you can't squeeze more out of your energy. Squeezing more out of your energy is such a draining thing. So we shouldn't feel bad and guilty for saying no, because chances are, we're going to feel worse if we say yes. If we say yes, we're going to feel drained, we're going to feel energyless.

• 13:53Jay Shetty?

  And what ends up happening is we often reflect that negativity after that experience onto the person who, in air quotes, "made us do that", right? So now, not only are we unhappy with what we did with our time, not only are we drained of energy, we now have a negative view towards that person. So now, we've potentially ruined our relationship with that person, because now we just see them as a burden. So feeling bad and guilty for saying no needs to go, because chances are, you're going to feel worse after saying yes. And the reason why we feel bad and guilty,

• 14:36Jay Shetty?

  and why we need to be okay with potentially even feeling bad and guilty, is knowing that we can then work on feeling better. We know we can come back and offer more support, more help to that person. So I'll give you an example. Let's say, one of your friends says to you, "Hey, I really need to talk right now", and let's say it's 10:00 PM and you just found the space to rest and relax and get into bed early. You might say to that person, "Hey, I would love to talk to you, this is really important to me, but let's connect tomorrow morning", right? And they may say, "Well, you know, I really need to talk to you though, like this is really, really important to me", and you can say, "Yeah, I'm sure it is important to you and I value that,

• 15:19Jay Shetty?

  but I will only be able to deal with it with my full attention and my full focus tomorrow morning." Notice the difference, right?

• 15:29Jay Shetty?

  You're saying, "No, I can't talk right now." But you're also saying, "It's not because your life's not important. It's not because you aren't important. It's because I can't deal with something important right now." Look at the difference in how that's phrased, right? Saying, "No, I don't want to do it," can make the other person feel bad. And that's what we're scared of. We're scared of making them feel bad. The way you make someone feel bad is you make them feel that their feelings are unheard, empty, or unimportant. But if you say "no" by saying, "I know your feelings are important. I get it that this is important to you, but I haven't got the energy right now to serve you properly, to help you properly, to be a support for you, and I want to be that. Please give me this time."

• 16:13Jay Shetty?

  That's going to at least help you stop feeling bad and guilty about saying it because you're honoring that person. The second thing that I really want to talk about is, don't say "no" without actually saying "no." So sometimes what we try and do is give answers like, "Oh, let me get back to you." And really in our head, what we're thinking is, "No, I do not want to do that." And we're like, "Oh, let me get back to you." Or we say, "Maybe, maybe let's talk about it," right? And you're thinking "no" in your head. And now what happens? You forget about it, and three days later, that person messages you again and says, "So what, should we do it? Should we do it now? Are you okay with it?"

• 16:56Jay Shetty?

  Now, they already feel that you somewhat gave it headspace, that you thought about it, but you in your head were thinking, "No." There's an incredible quote from Gandhi, I believe, that says that harmony and peace exist when what we think, what we say, and what we do are aligned. How many of you have ever experienced that you're thinking one thing, but you say another? How many of you have ever experienced where you say something, but you do something totally different? See, the more disconnect between what we think, what we say, and what we do, the more friction that exists in our mind, the more friction that exists in our life.

• 17:37Jay Shetty?

  So, I don't want you to avoid saying "no" and use another way of saying "no," right? There's no point in that. I know that for me, saying no has become more comfortable as I've actually started saying the words, because then people at least know where they're at and where I'm at. If you say, "Maybe, I'll think about it, I'll let you know, let's figure it out." If you use any of those words apart from, "No, I can't do it, I'm sorry", then people still have hope. They still feel like this is going somewhere. And you're feeding that. It's almost like leading someone on, right? It's like leading someone on in a relationship. And then three months later, someone says,

• 18:21Jay Shetty?

  "Well, why didn't you just tell me you weren't interested?" How would you feel about that? And sometimes we lead people on in our lives because we're scared of saying no. This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need the most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes.

• 19:06Jay Shetty?

  Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com/podcast. That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are. But it can be challenging to balance style, budget, and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated calm space for my morning meditation and reading, but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding but could also stand up to daily use. I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favorite place to anchor my day.

• 19:50Jay Shetty?

  The quality is incredible, it's built to last, and it completely shifted the energy of the room. Plus, you can shop with With Wayfair Verified, we're product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality. So you can shop with more confidence. And if putting it all together sounds like a headache, Wayfair can handle delivery, installation and assembly. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to the practical stuff too.

• 20:34Jay Shetty?

  Like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. We're scared of saying no, so don't say no without saying it. Use the words. Say, no, I'm sorry, I can't do that. Be really clear. Be really transparent.

• 21:16Jay Shetty?

  Don't leave it up to someone's imagination or someone's perspective and let them find their own way of understanding it or trying to get people to read in between the lines. Use the words. The third step I want to say to you is know why you're saying no. It's hard to say no when you actually don't know what you are going to do with that time or that energy or that space. So if someone says to you, hey, I'd love to talk to you right now. And your response is, I'm not sure, or I don't know. It's because you have not thought about why you're saying no.

• 22:00Jay Shetty?

  And reflecting on why you say no is just a really good habit. Because it also helps you understand yourself and understand people. For example, sometimes an opportunity could come from two different people and it's the same opportunity. But you say yes to one person because you love their energy and you say no to the others because you realize you don't actually love hanging out with that person. There's nothing wrong in that, but if you understand that, you then be able to, you can strengthen that feeling of choice. You start to strengthen your choice-making ability. See, how many of us are indecisive? How many of us struggle to figure out why, what we're doing? It's because we don't know why we say no or why we say yes. So, I'll give you an example.

• 22:44Jay Shetty?

  I have been saying no to going on a lot of podcasts and interviews recently because I did a lot of interviews when Think Like a Monk was released. I really enjoyed them. And right now, as I'm writing again, as I'm creating more of my own podcasts again, I've just been wanting that time. And I've just been saying, hey, this is why. But if I just said no, I would have felt that I was just being snobby, I would have started judging myself, which is not true at all. I'm not trying to be awkward. I just know that I need some time for myself. When I say no to someone, it's because I need to rest. I've been saying to a lot of people recently that my weekends have all become about preservation. I'm giving myself so much throughout the week

• 23:27Jay Shetty?

  that on the weekend, I need to take some time out for myself. And Ravi and I have been going to do cold plunges and saunas and sensory deprivation tanks, and I'll be sharing a lot more about that in the podcast in upcoming episodes as well. But I've been really trying to find deeper and more powerful ways to rest my mind and body. And I've been feeling so much more fulfilled and thriving when I come back. It's knowing why you're saying no. So next time you want to say no but can't say it, don't force yourself to say it. Ask yourself, why am I saying no? Why do I feel like saying no? And then explain that to someone in the way they can digest it.

• 24:11Jay Shetty?

  And always make it about you. Don't make it about them because it is about you. Even if it's like you, even if the truth is you're like, oh, I don't like their energy or, you know, I'm not sure they're the right person. You may not want to say that because that raises conflict and issues, and you may not have a relationship to say that to someone. But you may say no to them along the lines of like, "I'm not in the right energetic space." Like, "I don't think that's gonna be a great idea for me and for what I'm focusing on right now." And I've noticed that even though it can hurt people in the moment, it's a lot more hurtful to lead someone on and then say no. And that's what we forget. Even in breakups, even if you apply this to breakups, people are gonna be hurt if you break up after a month, if they're really feeling it.

• 24:56Jay Shetty?

  But they'll be a lot more heartbroken after a year. And I know so many people who wait way too long to break up with people. I remember being with someone once, and I wanted to break up after about six months. And I stayed in that relationship for one year and six months, trying to make it work, trying to figure it out. I didn't want to be the bad guy, I wasn't sure. And then one year and six months later, when you break up, that's so much harder for that person. And that was the time I realized, from now on, I'm going to be really upfront with people. Okay, number four in learning how to say no is being really clear about when you say no. So when you say no is when something's against your values,

• 25:41Jay Shetty?

  against your priorities, against your mental health. These are really, really important considerations. If saying yes to something else is going to make you say no to yourself, chances are that you don't want to do it, right? And a really great example of this, this week I wrote an op-ed for Women's Health, and I wrote about Simone Biles. And we just saw someone at the very peak, in one of the most difficult scenarios, global occasions in the world, say no. Simone Biles didn't step out of bounds.

• 26:26Jay Shetty?

  She redrew the lines for us all. I'm reading from my op-ed that I wrote, because I want you to hear what I had to say about it. "Imagine the pressure of an entire nation on your shoulders, while you're also bearing the physical and emotional wounds of the past. Now add the ever-present strain of being a highly visible black woman in a world that has very narrow, very defined expectations of how she should behave." Right, I use the word behave purposely because in the same way that Simone Biles has trained hundreds and thousands of times to perform without putting so much as a toe out of line, she has had to perform similarly in perhaps every other public facing part of her life since she became a gymnastics star destined to be crowned the greatest of

• 27:11Jay Shetty?

  all time. Right now, at this year's Olympics, Biles was tasked not only with securing gold for her country, but we're trying to lift the reputation of an entire team and sport and with the backdrop of a global pandemic. It was the making of a heroine story, the kind of tale of perseverance and success against all odds that we crave from sport in general and the Olympics in particular. Instead, Biles opted to rewrite the narrative entirely. Though we can't understand exactly what it's like to be Simone Biles' place, so many of us do know all too well what it's like to struggle with mental health. When Simone prioritized her wellbeing, it was the start of something revolutionary.

• 27:54Jay Shetty?

  This moment, the moment when Simone Biles stepped into the spotlight not to perform but to say, "No, not today," to prioritize herself and her own wellbeing was the start of something special. She didn't quit, she didn't let anyone down, she made the choice for herself and her wellbeing. And when we see someone say "no" on such a global stage, we get to see "no" doesn't mean quitting, "no" doesn't mean never, she came back and won a bronze medal. And so we have to really think about how if something is bad for our values, our priorities, or our mental health, it can't be the right decision.

• 28:39Jay Shetty?

  Because even if you help someone now, even if you solve the issue now, even if you avoid conflict now, you're creating it a lot more for yourself in the future. That's what we forget. You solve the short term and create massive long-term implications.

• 28:56Jay Shetty?

  Now, the fifth step in learning to say no is thanking the person. Thanking the person for the opportunity, thanking the person for the interest when you get invited to do something. Maybe there was a time in your life where you dreamed of invites like this, where all you wanted was opportunities like this. I remember there were times in my life where I would have really wanted to be invited to some of the places I get invited to, and it's so easy to become ungrateful. But to actually treat everything with gratitude, to really write to someone and say, "Thank you so much for the interest. I'm so grateful you thought of me." I often say that to people because I really mean it. I'm like, "That person thought of me." Even when I'm saying yes to someone, I say the same thing.

• 29:41Jay Shetty?

  When I get invited to speak at a company, even though they've already booked me and I'm going to be their speaker, I'll always say at the start of the call, "Thank you so much for thinking of me because it's such a special thought, and I want to thank you all. Thank you all for choosing this podcast to listen to." So always thank people. Even if you're about to say no, start with gratitude and really feel it and really experience it because what it does is it helps you realize just how wonderful every opportunity is. Often when we get invited to something or asked to come to something and we're not interested, we treat it with disregard and a bit of distaste. We can often be like, "Oh, I can't believe they thought I was going to come to that," or "Can't believe they invited me to that. It seems so lame."

• 30:25Jay Shetty?

  Right? If those are our responses mentally or verbally, we're really creating a negative space for us to live in our own minds. Taking the opportunity to be grateful, to thank someone for their interest, for thinking of you, is such a beautiful step. The sixth step in learning to say no is remembering that no doesn't mean forever. No doesn't mean never. Remember that. No does not mean forever, and no does not mean never. We think if we're saying no, it's kind of like, "Oh, it's the end. That's it. It's all over. It's not happening." That's just not the case.

• 31:05Jay Shetty?

  No just means not right now. Learning to say, as I said with Simone Biles, "No, not today. No, not right now. No, not this month, not this year, not at the moment," and saying, "I'll let you know if and when I change my mind. You know, I'll keep you posted. I'll keep you in the loop." And what we don't realize is that our lies may make someone feel good, but our honesty will keep them in our lives. Let me repeat that again. Our lies or our cover up may make someone feel good, but our honesty will keep them in our lives. I love it when someone just tells me how they really feel. I'd rather hear a no.

• 31:47Jay Shetty?

  I remember when we used to first reach out to get guests on the podcast. We had so many no's. It was so hard for me to book anyone and everyone because we were a new podcast. You know, today we're so grateful. We've had Will Smith and Alicia Keys and Jennifer Lopez and Kobe Bryant. And I mean, the list goes on and on. We've been so blessed to have such an incredible list of guests. And I know all of you have been listening. Big Sean, Janai Ico, Dr. Joe Dispenza, so many incredible guests. But once upon a time, we just heard no. And, and often I'd always say to my team, tell me when we hear no. They'd always be scared of saying, Jay, this person said no, or this person's team said no. And I'd be like, no, no, no, I want to know if they said no.

• 32:29Jay Shetty?

  I want to hear that because at least I know that that's out of my mind and I can move on. But if I don't know, if it's a maybe, I'm going to keep thinking it might happen. And that causes anxiety and stress. And by the way, when you keep thinking, oh no, I might have to say yes to that, that causes you anxiety and stress as well. So we want to remove that from our lives. And tip number seven is you can be assertive and affectionate. Right? You can be assertive and affectionate. You can be kind and still clear. Right? We always think we have to choose. It's like, oh, you either get to be affectionate or you get to be assertive.

• 33:13Jay Shetty?

  You get to be clear or you get to be kind. And the truth is, you don't have to choose. You can be both. You can say, hey, thank you so much for this opportunity. I'm so grateful you thought of me. I just want to let you know that right now I'm focusing on these priorities and I just don't have the time. That's going to come across so much better than, yeah, let's do it. And then you not being in the mood and then you being stressed out about it. Or you saying, no, don't feel like it right now. Or it's not right for me. And then that person feels offended as well. Being assertive and affectionate. Let's say you get invited to someone's party this weekend and you message them and say, "Hey, I would have loved to have been there. I'm sure it's gonna be amazing. I wish you all the best. I'm just dealing with some stuff right now. I don't think I'll be able to make it."

• 33:57Jay Shetty?

  That response, someone can respect that. And that's the challenge. We're always trying to be liked and people pleasing is about that feeling of pleasing someone to be liked. But our honesty will gain us respect. So I really hope that you're gonna try these seven steps in your life. I hope they're gonna be useful to you. I really hope they help you learn to say no. And we can all be inspired by Simone Biles when we think about this. And I hope that this podcast has made a difference. Pass it on, share it, and I'll see you on the next one. Thanks for listening.

• 34:34Speaker 01

  Did you hear the latest tea we spilled? Well, actually, I make the tea. Jay spills it.

• 34:40Jay Shetty?

  I don't know how we allowed Radhi onto the podcast, but we did it because we're so excited to announce Sama, our new tea we created to help you soak up life's moments.

• 34:50Speaker 01

  We wanted to create a tea that doesn't just taste good, but also makes you feel great and has functional benefits to keep you balanced, nourished, body, mind, and soul too.

• 35:00Jay Shetty?

  We know that it's so hard to find time in the day to feel stillness and calm, but a cup of tea can make all the difference in giving you back those moments. And we knew that tea was the best way to do that. Now, Radhi, tell them the other big news.

• 35:14Speaker 01

  Well, guess what? We want you to be a part of this tea journey with us. So we've actually created a Sama Founders Club. As a founding member, you will get a limited edition sampler box and a year's worth of tea. Yes, it is, a year's worth of tea.

• 35:30Jay Shetty?

  They'll also receive exclusive merch, experiences, and discounts. At Sama, we consider our founding members to be the heart of our community.

• 35:38Speaker 01

  You can sign up right now before this offer expires by going to samat.com/foundersclub. Again, that's samat.com/foundersclub. We cannot wait for you to be part of this journey with us and to join the Sama family. Let's all cuddle now.

• 35:59Speaker 02

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' health care to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, theHouseMajorityPac.com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.

• 36:29Speaker 03

  Mr. President? My company informed me of the explosion on our rig

• 36:32Speaker 04

  on October 2nd.

• 36:33Speaker 03

  Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me.

• 36:38Speaker 04

  Tom Cruise is. Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us up. From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 36:45Speaker 05

  What would happen if I stopped drilling? You're stalled, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 36:49Speaker 04

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 36:53Speaker 05

  I'm not the first daddy.

• 36:54Speaker 04

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a middle or up parent.