4 Reasons We Try To Change Others And How To Cultivate Tolerance, Patience, Compassion Instead

Have you ever wished you could change someone in your life? Have you tried changing someone to fit your ideals and beliefs? If so, have you succeeded? Did it make you happy? It’s frustrating to try and change someone who isn’t willing to change, especially when your circumstances aren’t helping. This will only trigger stress and anxiety, and will continuously deplete your inner peace and compassion. In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty discusses why we should stop trying to change others and instead, focus on loving ourselves through cultivating patience, tolerance, and compassion. Key Takeaways: 01:29 Have you tried changing someone in your life? 02:25 Top 3 reasons couples fight: money, sex, children 03:36 The reasons why we try to change others 05:08 In trying to positively impact the world, we are changing ourselves 05:45 3 things that happen when we try to change people 08:01 Reason #1: We care more for comfort than change 12:52 Reason #2: We can’t understand others because of own narrow thinking 15:20 Reason #3: We think we are always right 18:04 Reason #4: We don’t understand the value of diversity 20:40 Change and the motivation to change are an inside job Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally! Achieve success in every area of your life with Jay Shetty’s Genius Community. Join over 10,000 members taking their holistic well-being to the next level today, at https://shetty.cc/OnPurposeGenius See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 0:44Jay Shetty?

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• 1:29Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet, AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose.

• 2:16Jay Shetty?

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• 3:00Jay Shetty?

  Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. Have you ever been in a relationship where once you broke up, you felt like you could finally go back to being yourself? Where you realised you were only doing and saying things to make the other person happy or keep them from fighting? Or maybe you had the experience at a job where you performed in a way that wasn't really you, but you did it to advance or to keep from making waves?

• 3:33Jay Shetty?

  Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose. Thank you so much for being back. I really mean that, I really, really do. I've been bumping into so many of you on hikes or when I'm out in the streets, and I love hearing how much this podcast means to you and how it helps you and serves you. It means the world to me, and I love reading all your reviews. If you haven't left one yet, please, please, please go and leave a review. We have over 15,000 five-star reviews. It's, it's truly, truly amazing. And it's been an amazing few months on the podcast. We've had Oprah on the podcast, we've had the one and only Will Smith. This year, we've had J-Lo, we've had Big Sean, we've had Janae Aiko.

• 4:15Jay Shetty?

  If you have not heard those episodes, make sure you go back and listen to them, because they were game changers for the people who did. And today is going to be no different. Today is all about why we can't change people, the four reasons we try anyway, and how to build tolerance, patience, and compassion instead.

• 4:37Jay Shetty?

  How many of you know someone you wish would change? How many of you, put your hands up high, have tried to change someone in your life? And how many of you are nodding along right now because you failed to change someone? I hear it all the time. If only my partner could change, she'd be perfect. If only my family understood why they were wrong, we wouldn't fight so much. If only my colleague had a different work style, we'd get things done so much faster. If only my boss had a brain,

• 5:20Jay Shetty?

  the world would be a better place. There's a common saying that women get into relationships believing that over time their partner will change. While men get into relationships believing that over time their partner will always stay the same. Now, the top three reasons couples fight are money, sex, and kids. And the number one reason most couples divorce is that they don't agree on money issues. And check this out. In 2019, The Atlantic published an article where they asked US Democrats and Republicans what they thought the other party believed, and they were mostly wrong. For example, Republicans thought that about 70% of Democrats

• 6:03Jay Shetty?

  believed that borders should be totally open to immigration. In reality, that number is closer to just 40%. The Democrats thought that maybe half of Republicans supported some kind of legal immigration plan, when in reality, more like 85% supported it. If you're spending a lot of time and energy thinking about the ways in which others need to change, or you're actively trying to get people to change, you're wasting your energy. For one, we often don't truly understand what's going on with other people in the first place. Those things we think they need to change may be off the mark. And as we'll discuss today, when it comes down to it, we really can't change other people. Today, we're talking about the four reasons we try to change others

• 6:48Jay Shetty?

  and how we can cultivate the tolerance, patience, and compassion that we need instead. There's an old Zen fable that goes like this. A mischievous young man catches a bird and hides it behind his back as he approaches his teacher. Teacher, the young man says, I'm holding a bird. Can you tell me, is it alive or is it dead? The young man means to trick his teacher. If his teacher says that the bird is dead, the man will hold it out and release it to prove him wrong. If he says it's living, he will break the bird's neck and then hold it out. The teacher looks at his student and says quietly and calmly, young man, the answer to that question is in your hands.

• 7:30Jay Shetty?

  I love that story because it helps us realize how much we have to take responsibility for answering those questions. I titled my first book Think Like A Monk because I believe the monk mindset is a valuable one for finding peace and purpose. At its heart, to me, the monk mindset is about mastering one's perspective. Instead of trying to force a change in our circumstances, such as avoiding a change we don't want to experience or trying to always be comfortable, a monk will take the situation they're given and shift their mindset to work in harmony with their circumstances. As this wise teacher was telling his student, the way that the world is, is in our hands. It comes not only to our actions,

• 8:13Jay Shetty?

  but to the way we perceive it and the way we choose to interact with it. Instead, however, most of us seek to change the world and the people around us. And I realize this, now when I'm saying you can't change people, I'm not saying we can't change the world, that we can't impact the world. But what I'm saying is that in the process of trying to positively impact the world, we are changing ourself. And often, we try to change people who don't want our influence. There are plenty of people in our life who do want our influence, who do want to change through our work or our words or our involvement in their life. But often, we get so addicted and obsessed with trying to change people that don't actually allow us to be influential in their life. Three things that happen when we try and change people.

• 8:58Jay Shetty?

  Think of what happens when we apply pressure to something. It tends to push back, right? It's force meeting force. Look at boxing. One person punches and the other person punches back. In the end, there's usually a winner, but both participants end up exhausted and beat up. I bet you've experienced that in a relationship before. When we fight and push people to change, that's the first thing that can happen. One person may win, at least on the surface or temporarily, but both are exhausted and the relationship is hurt as a result. The second thing that happens when we try and change people is that they do change, or at least they change what they show us. More often than not, this isn't deep. This type of change, it's a performance. Have you ever been in a relationship where, once you broke up,

• 9:42Jay Shetty?

  you felt like you could finally go back to being yourself? Where you realized you were only doing and saying things to make the other person happy or keep them from fighting? Or maybe you had the experience at a job where you performed in a way that wasn't really you, but you did it to advance or to keep from making waves? Instead of deeply shifting who we are or what we believe, we merely shape-shift. We're like Mystique in The X-Men. I'm a big, big X-Men fan, right? She changes her outer presentation to fit in. And again, that's exhausting, and it's deeply dissatisfying. The third thing that happens when we try to change someone is that they start to avoid us or to avoid the situations they know bother us. They don't engage us directly by pushing back

• 10:26Jay Shetty?

  or try and change who they're presenting to us. They just try and escape dealing with us or they avoid talking about topics that might upset us. In other words, when people try and push us to change, we usually either fight, we fake, or we flee. How many of you know that you've done that before? When someone's trying to change you, you either fake it to them that you've changed, you fight them, or you try and flee them. And same way, how many times have people done that to you? Do any of these situations sound familiar? Do any of them sound like something you want in your life? None of us want this in our life. So why do we try and change others even though we really can't? Let's look at some of the reasons behind our motivation, starting with the biggest one.

• 11:10Jay Shetty?

  Reason one, the first reason we try and change people is that we care more for comfort than change. We don't like the discomfort of difference. And so rather than doing the work of understanding and communication, we try and change those who challenge us in some way. We try to make the world around us more comfortable instead of working to become more understanding, compassionate, and patient, or seeking to learn so that we can broaden our own perspective. This is what happens when we create echo chambers. We seek to spend time only with people who see the world the same way, or to expose ourselves to news and media that support what we already believe instead of challenging ourselves. Much of the time when we want someone else to change, it's because we're avoiding change ourselves.

• 11:54Jay Shetty?

  We either don't want to broaden our own perspective, or we want the other person to change so that we don't have to change our circumstances. We don't want to end the relationship or look for a new job, for example. This story is based on actual people, but I've changed the names and identifying characteristics that preserve their privacy. Ben and Sarah had a pretty solid relationship. They agreed on most things. They rarely fought. But over the years, Ben began to realize that he wasn't happy in life. It wasn't Sarah, it wasn't his job, but something just wasn't working. He felt more and more depressed and anxious without being able to explain why. One day, one of Ben's friends forwarded him an email about an upcoming meditation retreat. Ben had never tried meditation and wasn't at all spiritual, but he figured, why not?

• 12:39Jay Shetty?

  He approached Sarah about the idea and she said, sure, if you want. The weekend ended up being life-changing for Ben. He was able to connect with a sense of peace he hadn't experienced before. He met lots of interesting new people, and suddenly he had all these questions about life that he wanted to explore. He started reading spiritual texts and meeting with a weekly meditation group. At first, Sarah was happy for Ben, but after a while, she became irritated. Ben's new interest in spirituality was taking away time from her. She became resentful, and when Ben invited her to come along to a meditation retreat, Sarah refused. Their relationship started to become strained. Each thought the other should change. Here's the question: Who was right?

• 13:22Jay Shetty?

  Should Ben give up his meditation groups or volunteering? Or should Sarah start joining? The reason I love this scenario is its complexity. The answer is whether Ben or Sarah should change is the wrong question. The real question is: How might both Ben and Sarah change their perspective to broaden their view of the challenge they're experiencing? When we pit one against the other and say one must be right and one must be wrong, like in a boxing match, everyone in some way loses. A monk might look at this and ask Ben: "Ben, where is Sarah right?" And then ask Sarah: "Sarah, where is Ben right?" That's one way to start building more tolerance, patience, and compassion. Ask: "Where is the other person right?

• 14:07Jay Shetty?

  Where can I understand where they're coming from?" Instead, what we usually focus on is: "What's wrong with what I'm doing? There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing." Ben is right in that he's following his heart and doing something deeply meaningful to feel peace and happiness in his life. Sarah is right in that it's fine to not engage in everything your partner is doing and to preserve your own identity. Once Ben and Sarah can acknowledge those things, they can look at this question: "What else is also true here?" By insisting that the other change, what change are you avoiding yourself? What is it that you fear? Sarah fears giving meditation a chance because she doesn't know it could change her life. She doesn't know another way to be. That's a common reason we refuse not to change, even if it's something like a damaging behavior or habit,

• 14:52Jay Shetty?

  like quitting smoking. We don't try to change because we don't know who will be without it. Sarah is afraid of stepping into the gap between who she is and who she may become. Ben fears that if Sarah doesn't change, their relationship could end. He wants to share his insights and experiences with her, and he's afraid that he will grow to be dissatisfied with her if she doesn't want to engage with life in a similar way. Now, I can't give you an easy answer here about what this couple should do. It's rarely that simple. The point is that if we can allow ourselves to get into that space of vulnerability, where we're having real conversation about what's really going on and what we're really afraid of, we will by nature have more empathy and patience for one another in the process. We don't know the outcome.

• 15:37Jay Shetty?

  We have to let that go. But we can engage with the process thoughtfully. In fact, that's all we can really do. From there, it will be up to Ben and Sarah to decide if it's necessary to them and their relationship that they see the world the same way. Can they still honour their own deep values and be together? Or does it require change? One thing's certain, for their relationship to be successful, it will require a shift in perspective on both of their parts.

• 16:04Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need them most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications, or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com/podcast.

• 16:47Jay Shetty?

  That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We talk a lot about intentional decision making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbour, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state, coverage options are selected by the customer, availability, amount of discounts and savings, and eligibility vary by state.

• 17:31Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Wayfair. Home should be a place that feels like a sanctuary, a space that truly reflects who you are, but it can be challenging to balance style, budget, and endless options. I was looking to create a dedicated calm space for my morning meditation and reading, but I was struggling to find pieces that felt grounding but could also stand up to daily use. I went on Wayfair and found a beautiful, solid Wood accent chair and a bookshelf. Now that corner is my favourite place to anchor my day. The quality is incredible, it's built to last, and it completely shifted the energy of the room. Plus, you can shop with Wayfair Verified, where product specialists carefully vet items for quality and functionality. So you can shop with more confidence.

• 18:13Jay Shetty?

  And if putting it all together sounds like a headache, Wayfair can handle delivery, installation and assembly. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home upgrade. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. The second reason we try to change others is because of our own narrow thinking. We don't understand why people are the way they are, or why they believe or behave as they do. We can't imagine anyone thinking differently from us. Again, I'm not going to get into any specific issues, but political divides are a great example of this. We're shaped by the systems we're in and the experiences we've had, and unless we listen to other people's stories,

• 18:57Jay Shetty?

  we just can't wrap our heads around why people are the way they are or what's influenced them. If we don't know about their background, their parenting, if we don't know about their upbringing, it's really hard to understand why they are. Now, if you've got a friend or a family member who you completely disagree with, but you actually want to get to a healthier place with, first, you've got to talk to them in person, right? It has to be face-to-face contact that humanises us. Psychological studies show that when we communicate electronically via text or email or social media messaging, we tend to have far less empathy for one another than when we engage in person or over the phone. We see this in the extreme phenomenon of trolling.

• 19:39Jay Shetty?

  And Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh, in his book How to Fight Right, "Never in human history have we had so many means of communication. Television, radio, telephone, fax, email, the internet, yet we remain islands with little real communication between us. When we cannot communicate, we suffer and we spill our suffering onto other people." So you want to sit down with that person or get on a call to talk things through. And here's the thing, the point of the call is not to change their mind and show them how they're wrong and you're right. The point is to find where you think they're right. It is to find where you both have common ground. To do that, you have to be able to dive beneath the waves and the controversy of individual issues to where you have common beliefs.

• 20:24Jay Shetty?

  You can ask, "What is your core belief behind the issue?" Maybe you have different approaches to how schools should be run, for example, but you both believe that every child deserves access to a high-quality education. Once you find some common ground, you want to engage your curiosity. With no agenda other than to learn, ask if they would mind sharing with you why they believe their way to ensure this kind of education for every child is the most viable or effective. And when you come upon a point when you are confused or don't agree, don't argue. You can disagree but not argue. You can explain and understand but not need to argue. Now, the third reason we try to change others is related to reason number two, but it's slightly different.

• 21:08Jay Shetty?

  It's that we think we're right. We don't just think we're right, we know it. We're self-righteous. We're so convinced of our own rightness that we won't allow ourselves to consider that someone else could be right or that we could both be right or neither of us could be right. I often say to Radhi, I'm like, "Look, literally, I don't think we're both right right now. I think both of us are just being stubborn and I'll call it out." And I've found that calling out that both of us are acting a certain way is so much better than calling out that one person is acting that way. One of the reasons for this is something called cognitive dissonance. The theory states that we are motivated to feel harmony and that our thoughts and actions are in line with our values and beliefs. Or in other words, that we're right.

• 21:51Jay Shetty?

  When we feel like something is out of line or sense, we could be wrong. We shift our perceptions to keep us feeling like we're in the right. Researchers took a group of subjects and had them undertake two sets of tasks. First, they had a tray and 12 spools. They had to put the spools into the tray, empty the tray, and put the spools back over and over again for 30 minutes. Then the experimenters had the subjects do another equally boring task, having to turn 48 wooden pegs one-quarter turn at a time. Finally, at what they thought was the end of the study, the experimenter told the subjects that there was another group of subjects coming, and he needed one of them to volunteer to explain the task for them.

• 22:33Jay Shetty?

  Additionally, they had to tell the subjects that the tasks were fun, interesting, and intriguing. In other words, they had to lie. Later, both groups of participants actually rated the task to be not as boring as a third group who is never asked to lie. In other words, those who lied and said the task was fun later rated the task as having been more fun than those who'd never lied about it. They changed their assessment of the task to be closer to the lie they're told because they didn't want to think of themselves as having lied. We will actually change how we perceive the world to match what we've said, even if we know we don't truly feel that way. One of the reasons it's hard to do that, to open our minds to what others' points of view,

• 23:18Jay Shetty?

  is cognitive dissonance, but it's also our egos. If we have tied our sense of identity to our rightness, it's very hard to have compassion or empathy or tolerance or to be open to shifting our own worldview. Instead, we're more flexible and open-minded when we tie our identity to growth and learning. This is something Julia Gallup, founder of the Center for Applied Rationality, calls the scout mindset. When we have a scout mindset, we value seeing things as they actually are. The final reason we push others to change is that we don't understand the value of diversity. This links to cognitive dissonance, where we value harmony over learning. We don't understand that a diversity of views and opinions,

• 24:00Jay Shetty?

  and even some disagreement over those views, is not only healthy, it also helps us achieve more and better. According to an MIT study looking at what makes teams successful, it's not having superstar intellects and geniuses on the team. One of the key factors for the team's success is that many different people contribute, so team members get to hear many different points of view. In another study, researchers took 200 people and created mock jury panels comprised of six people per panel. On some panels, all participants were white. On others, there was a mixture of black and white panelists. They were then shown a video of a trial with a black defendant and white plaintiffs, and asked to come to a consensus about whether or not the defendant was guilty.

• 24:44Jay Shetty?

  When discussing the case, the diverse jury groups were more likely to have deeper, more meaningful discussions of the facts of the case, and they made fewer factual errors than the jury groups where everyone was white. Another study showed that diverse teams were also more likely to price stocks more accurately than homogeneous teams. One of the reasons we try to change other people to think or act more like us is that we don't understand that it actually serves us to be exposed to people who think differently. That's one of the points of the podcast. I love interviewing people from so many different backgrounds and so many different walks of life, because we all learn more together. As Dennis Waiteley once advised, "Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable, and

• 25:28Jay Shetty?

  remove yourself from the unacceptable." I would add to that, and learn wherever you can. If I've challenged or complicated your thinking a bit today, good. One of the reasons we try and change others is that our thinking is too binary and too simplistic. We are complex and rich, and we both shape and are shaped by the world around us. Solutions are rarely about who's right and who's wrong, and at the end of the day, lots of us would benefit from changing some things. If we can learn to pay more attention to questioning our own perceptions and to cleansing the lens through which we're looking, rather than presuming our way is the best way, that is the monk mindset. And when we can begin to truly listen to one another and find common ground, and understand

• 26:09Jay Shetty?

  that in digging deep into tough issues, diversity of thought and opinion is our ally, we will begin to understand that sometimes the people who need the most tolerance, patience, and empathy is us for ourselves. I wanted to share with you one final idea. I know that I spent most of this episode on you, not the person you want to change, and that's really the point, because that's all we can control, our own perspective. Change and the motivation to change are an inside job, but if we truly want to support someone in making a change and getting motivated, what we don't want to do is withhold our love from them until they make that change. This is also from my teacher Radhanath Swami, who writes, "Sometimes we wait for love to come to us,

• 26:52Jay Shetty?

  and in the process, we withhold our love. But that withholding is actually keeping us from the love we seek. Sometimes loving someone exactly where they are on its own creates a profound shift. When we feel safe in love for who we are, we actually feel safer to change. So rather than list all the ways you wish someone else would change or were different, try loving them where they are and let that love work its own magic on both of you. And the same goes for you. Try loving yourself where you are right now and watch what happens." Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose today. I hope that you've enjoyed this episode. I hope that you'll share it, tag me on Instagram, on Twitter, with what you're learning and what you're gaining,

• 27:36Jay Shetty?

  and I'll see you again next week.

• 27:48Speaker 01

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• 28:17Speaker 02

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• 28:28Speaker 03

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• 28:38Speaker 03

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• 28:41Speaker 04

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• 28:43Speaker 03

  Digger. See the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a minute without parent.