10 Ways You Know It Is Time To Leave Your Relationship Or Job & 10 Questions To Help You Make Your Decision

Finding the reason to let go and move on is never because of a simple reason. It is often a result of a series of stressful events, unreasonable situations, and in some cases, traumatic experiences that make us anxious. These unpleasant circumstances push us to the end and would make us question ourselves if it’s still worth staying or is it finally time to move on. Or, if you’re mentally and emotionally prepared to leave it all behind and restart your life somewhere else. In this episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty talks about ten questions we should ask before we decide to end a relationship or leave our job, and what we can do to prepare for when we’re ready to leave. Key Takeaways: 01:12 Are you thinking of finally leaving or letting go? 05:06 Question #1: Am I safe? 09:02 Question #2: Am I free to be or am I performing? 12:15 You don’t have to go right away as soon as you realize you’re pretending 12:48 Question #3: Am I honoring my values? 15:54 Question #4: Am I holding back or being held back? 17:52 Question #5: Am I here for the potential and what could be? 20:12 Question #6: Am I the only one trying? 23:22 Question #7: Can I forgive? 24:35 Question #8: Am I being honest? 26:24 Question #9: Am I otherwise fulfilled? 27:56 Question #10: Is there more to learn here? 29:41 Make a decision that serves you best in the long term Like this show? Please leave us a review here - even one sentence helps! Post a screenshot of you listening on Instagram & tag us so we can thank you personally! Achieve success in every area of your life with Jay Shetty’s Genius Community. Join over 10,000 members taking their holistic well-being to the next level today, at https://shetty.cc/OnPurposeGenius See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Vinted. Value can be found anywhere, even in the clothes sitting untouched in our closets. That's where Vinted comes in. Vinted is a secondhand marketplace app where you can sell clothes you no longer want and get more value out of them. Whether you're running out of space, moving, or simply updating your wardrobe. Listing items is a quick and simple process, and once something sells, Vinted creates a prepaid shipping label for you. And the best part, there are no seller fees, so you keep what you earn. It's a simple way to clear out your closet, be less wasteful, and maybe make some extra money along the way. And if you've been thinking about a wardrobe refresh, this can make it feel a little more worthwhile. You're not just letting go of clothes, you're getting more value from what you already have.

• 0:43Jay Shetty?

  Give your clothes a second life with Vinted. Download the Vinted app for free to start selling with no seller fees, so you keep every dollar you earn. This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop.

• 1:26Jay Shetty?

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• 2:01Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by AG1. Are you feeling September reset too? Shorter days, longer to-do lists, earlier alarms, all those routines you promised yourself you'd pick back up. It can feel like your whole life is recalibrating. And when everything around you is changing, it helps to have a few things you can rely on. AG1 Next Gen is one of those easy habits to keep. It's the clinically-backed, comprehensive daily health drink that supports your gut health, energy production, and foundational nutrition all in one scoop. AG1's ingredients are sourced from quality partners for absorption, potency, and nutrient density to deliver the foundational nutrition your body needs. And alongside a proper diet,

• 2:45Jay Shetty?

  AG1 Next Gen meets 94% of nutrient requirements and it's clinically shown to enrich the gut microbiome. For a limited time, save 20% on your first subscription order of AG1 Next Gen or AG1 Pro at drinkag1.com/onpurpose. That's drinkag1.com/onpurpose. If you're in a situation where you have to pretend to be someone you're not to make it work, it's time to go.

• 3:21Jay Shetty?

  Hey, everyone. Welcome back to On Purpose, the number one health podcast in the world. Thanks to each and every one of you, whether you're walking your dog, cooking, whether you're cleaning, whether you're editing, whatever you're up to. I am so glad that you are here with me right now. And I can't wait till we can do on-purpose events in person. I mean, would you come to one of those events? I really hope that you would. I would love for you to be a part of a live on-purpose interview and a live on-purpose event. It would be so exciting to do that. And I'm just counting down the days till we can do that again. So there's a lot to look forward to as part of the on-purpose community. You're a big part of that. I see you all leaving reviews, sharing on Instagram. It means the world to me.

• 4:05Jay Shetty?

  And I just want to start off by saying thank you. But today's theme is all about the 10 questions to help you know when it's time to go. Should I stay or should I go? It's not just a catchy song by The Clash. It's a question many of us ask ourselves every single day. How many of you are sitting there right now or walking there right now thinking, "I need to leave this relationship"? How many of you are thinking, I need to quit my job? How many of you are thinking, I think it's time to leave this group, this space, this energy? And how many of you just keep overthinking about that and keep wondering like,

• 4:45Jay Shetty?

  oh, I'm not sure, maybe I'm being mean, maybe I'm being rude, maybe it's not gonna work, maybe I should try this? How many of you just get lost in that overthinking and that, you know, that analysis that keeps you stuck? Maybe your parents or your grandparents had just one or two jobs in their lives. They found a position and they stayed with that company until they retired. Times have changed dramatically. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average person has 12 different jobs in their life. Now, I'm gonna walk through mine to see if that resonates and connects. So my first job was I was a paper boy, so I delivered papers in my area. I remember I would do about five streets every week

• 5:30Jay Shetty?

  and I'd get paid about five UK pounds total, not each street, just total. Right? So I thought a pound a street was pretty good. I was 14 years old and all the other paper boys or paper people in the area, they would often throw away the papers, they wouldn't actually deliver them. So then I got a raise to 10 pounds and then to 15 pounds for five streets. So I felt really, really good about myself because I was the only person in the area that the delivery company could trust. So that was my first job. Then I worked at Morrison's. Morrison's is a grocery store, a large supermarket grocery store. I used to stack shelves. I remember how difficult it was bringing in the pallets on which they'd have water.

• 6:14Jay Shetty?

  They'd be so heavy and I'd be bringing them in. I'd be taking the water off the pallet, pushing it back onto the truck, restocking the shelves. That was my second job. Then straight after that, I went to work at places like River Island and Monsoon. For those of you who don't know what they are and you live outside the UK, those are retail brands, clothing companies. I mainly worked there to get discount on some cool clothes. Obviously, straight after that, oh, not yet, I interned at some corporate companies. I then worked at the Business Design Centre at a company called Upper Street Events, which I loved. We organized these huge events inside this beautiful events venue. And we worked with some amazing companies. That was very exciting for me. I then became a monk. Wait, wait, wait. I've lost count now.

• 6:59Jay Shetty?

  I've lost count. So I've already done... You can tell. I've had a lot of jobs in my life, right? And even since leaving being a monk, I worked at Accenture as a digital strategy and innovation consultant. I then worked at The HuffPost as a senior host and producer. And obviously now, for the last four years, I've been working for myself, which has been amazing. But I never imagined it was possible. I never thought that that would work out for me. Now, according to weddingstats.org, the average person has three to five different long-term relationships before getting married. That's true. I think I pretty much... I think I had like about three. Yeah, I had three long-term relationships before getting married. I became a monk, and then after that, I've only ever been with Ravi. And so that kind of adds up too.

• 7:43Jay Shetty?

  Now, one overarching factor that's characterized 2020 and into 2021 is change. Now, whether it's changing jobs, ending a relationship, getting into a relationship, moving house, ending or beginning friendships, most of us have experienced some kind of change recently. And for others of us, we're wondering whether it's time for a change. That's what we're talking about today. Whether it's a relationship or work or some other change you're considering, I've got 10 questions for you to ask yourself that will help you know whether you should stay or whether it's time to go. So if you're ready, let's dive into question number one. It is, "Am I safe?" This is the first and foundational question. If you're in a situation where you're not safe,

• 8:27Jay Shetty?

  whether physically, emotionally, or a combination, it's time to go. The challenge with these situations is often that we're afraid to leave. Now, often, we can feel unsafe and feel it's time to go. Sometimes it is good to stay. It's good to stay if we're being challenged. It's good to stay if we feel uncomfortable. But not feeling safe means that you've tried to put in place boundaries, you've tried to put in place safety mechanisms or protective boundaries, and even then, you don't feel safe, right? I'll give you an example. If I'm jumping off of a plane, which I have done recently, right? So if I'm skydiving and if I jump without a parachute

• 9:12Jay Shetty?

  and it doesn't go well, then I'll be like, "Yeah, I wasn't safe, but that was my fault," right? So I'd ask you in your life, "What are your parachutes?" Right? What's your parachute? In your current situation, what's your bulletproof vest in your current situation? What's your armor in your current situation? Have you stocked up on all of that? Because if you have and you still don't feel safe, then that's a really critical and important sign. Now, we may fear physical retribution. We may fear an emotional attack. Or we may even fear how our lives may change without that person or that situation. Yet if you're in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship, or even one where there's manipulation or unhealthy behavior, it's time to go.

• 9:55Jay Shetty?

  Still, I know it can be so hard to make that change. Now, when I'm facing fear or change or challenge that seems insurmountable, one of the most helpful and inspiring things I do is to look at how others have dealt with massive challenges. After years of rebellion by Tibetans demanding freedom, after China declared that Tibet was under its rule, a Tibetan military official invited the Dalai Lama to come to a dance performance. They told him to leave his bodyguards at home. Sensing a trap, the Dalai Lama... Can you imagine putting the Dalai Lama in a trap? Seriously, alright. Then, just 23 years old, the Dalai Lama decided to stay put. Meanwhile, protesters surrounded the palace

• 10:40Jay Shetty?

  where he resided, hoping to protect the spiritual leader. For the Dalai Lama, the writing was on the wall. He wasn't safe. Days after the invitation, the Dalai Lama disguised himself as a soldier, snuck out through the crowds, and along with a crew of armed guards and cabinet members, undertook a dangerous and terrifying two-week journey across the Himalayas that ended in India. That was 1959, and he has not been allowed to return to Tibet since. In The Book of Joy, the Dalai Lama describes how he deals with fear, which, yes, even the Dalai Lama experiences, which is to broaden his mind to all the other people in the world feeling fear

• 11:23Jay Shetty?

  and to realize that in that feeling, they're all connected. Realizing that in our suffering, we are all one helps the Dalai Lama shift his fear into compassion for himself and for others. You can do something similar. First of all, the Dalai Lama didn't leave on his own. He had help, and depending on your situation, you may need help too. There is absolutely no shame in recognizing and voicing that you're in a situation where you're not safe. And in asking for help, we can also learn from the Dalai Lama's method for dealing with fear, which is acknowledging you're not alone. Often, it's loneliness and isolation that keeps us from making the tough choice to go. But others have suffered before you, and others are suffering now, and others have left.

• 12:07Jay Shetty?

  You deserve love and respect, and your safety is non-negotiable. Question number two to ask yourself if you're trying to figure out whether it's time to go is, am I free to be me, or am I performing? Now, let's be honest, there's always some type of performance in every role and job we play. There's always some performance. And what I mean by performance is I don't mean faking it or playing it. It's being a bigger version of yourself, being a slightly enhanced version of yourself, being a slightly, you know, controlled, trained version of yourself. Everywhere needs that. Like, we're not gonna go to work and feel fully ourselves every day.

• 12:51Jay Shetty?

  And it's actually inconsistent and unrealistic to actually expect to feel that way. So we have to think about this question through that lens. Now, we can start on a first date or at the job interview. You sense you're not quite right for the role, or who the other person is looking for, so you start pretending. Maybe you act like you're interested in learning to play golf, when you secretly couldn't care less. Or you sense the hiring manager isn't necessarily comfortable with your race or ethnicity or your gender, and so you start acting differently because you're afraid to confirm with stereotypes. Incidentally, there's a psychological term for that. It's called the stereotype threat. That's when we sense a potential for bias, and so we act differently to try and not fit stereotypes of a group we're part of.

• 13:32Jay Shetty?

  I remember when I first became a monk, I would try and downplay the fact that I had a business. Business background and that I understood that because I just felt like it didn't help me fit in. And funnily enough, when I left being a monk and I was working back in business, I would hide that I had a monk background because I didn't think it would help me fit in. So we always have that where we don't get to be ourselves. And today I get to be all of myself. I'm an entrepreneur, I'm a married man, I try to think like a monk. And I'm embracing all of that about myself. And sometimes people say to me, they say, Jay, how can you be an entrepreneur and be a monk? How can you be married but still do this? And I'm like, well, that's why I wrote a book called Think Like a Monk.

• 14:11Jay Shetty?

  Because you can still upgrade your mind and your life can change. And so today I'm embracing all parts of myself. And we find all the time that people don't let us embrace all parts of ourself. They make us question whether we want to embrace that part of ourself. Now, regardless of how it began, the fact that it's continued and you find yourself in a relationship or a job where you don't feel like you can be yourself. Now it's possible to have a conversation with your partner and say, hey, I know I said I like baseball, but really I hate it. I'd really rather not watch the games with you anymore. In most relationships, something like that wouldn't be a huge deal, but the situation could be something much bigger. Maybe it's, I know I said I don't want kids, but I wasn't really being honest. I thought in time you'd change your mind.

• 14:57Jay Shetty?

  The truth is, I really want kids and I'll feel I'm missing out if we don't have them. Or at work, if there's a bias that's deeply embedded in the system or even just in your immediate supervisor and you don't have support to be yourself, that takes a massive psychological toll. Plus, it can hold you back in your career success. If you're in a situation where you have to pretend to be someone you're not to make it work, it's time to go and this ties in to the next question. But before we focus on the next question, I really want to address that some more. One of the things that really hits me in this pretending part is again that you don't have to go as soon as you realize you've been pretending. You want to start sharing more of who you truly are and make the person aware of that.

• 15:41Jay Shetty?

  Right? Sometimes we start sharing who we truly are and then we're like, "Oh, you don't even like the real me. Now I'm showing you." And they're like, "Well, I didn't know this was the real you. Like, I didn't know who you were because you were pretending." So this leaving only comes after you've tried significantly to show who you truly are. Now, question number three to ask yourself is, "Am I honoring my values?" Perhaps one of your biggest and most important values is your family. You want to be there for your kids as they're growing up, but your job requires that you work, you know, 18, 90-hour weeks and you're missing out on dinners and family events. Or you're working and taking calls on vacation. Even when you're with your family, you're not really with them. If you can't come to an agreement with your manager or if the nature of your work is that it requires those hours,

• 16:25Jay Shetty?

  then it's time to figure out what you could specifically want to prioritize with your family. There's always going to be a sacrifice. There's always going to be a give and take. So before you go, before you leave, you really want to be clear if you've tried to do that. You may say, "Special events I need off," or "three-day weekends," like we just had Memorial Day weekend here or Bank Holiday weekend in England, and you say, "Okay, those ones I'm going to prioritize." It's taking those steps before you make that big leap. And I think sometimes we leap before we can step and we make it harder on ourselves. I have a friend who'd been in a relationship with a partner for 11 years. They'd gotten together in college and because they'd gotten together so young and shared so many of the same friends, it was like they almost shared an identity.

• 17:10Jay Shetty?

  People all knew them as "the couple," almost like their names blended together, like Kimye or Brangelina. But my friend was carrying a secret. She'd been out of love with her partner for years. She couldn't face breaking her partner's and her friends' and family's hearts. Her partner knew something that was wrong and they tried therapy. But every time they went, my friend dreaded it because she knew that what was wrong couldn't be fixed. My friend had realised that she and her partner were headed in completely different and incompatible directions. My friend wanted to start living her life based on service. She was no longer interested in spending money on parties or a fancy house or international travel. She cared more about making meaning than making money.

• 17:55Jay Shetty?

  And her partner felt the opposite, still wanting all the trappings of what we see as success. One day, my friend had a revelation. She was in the yard doing some gardening and it hit her like a bolt of lightning. The reason she hadn't ended the relationship was because she didn't want to hurt her partner. But how much more hurtful would it be to be in a relationship with someone who didn't truly love you? Because she valued her partner and because she wanted the best for her partner as well as herself, she knew what she had to do. She had to set her partner free to find someone who wasn't pretending. She realised it was time to go. The breakup was hard and it got ugly because my friend's partner was angry and hurt. They never became friends again.

• 18:39Jay Shetty?

  And it took a lot of years and a lot of dating and a few more relationships that didn't work out. But eventually, my friend did find her spiritual match and they've been happily married for several years now. And to this day, my friend thinks back and thanks her past self for having that revelation in the garden and for being willing to make the decision to honour her value of loving and respecting and truly wanting the best life for her and her former partner.

• 19:06Jay Shetty?

  This episode is brought to you by Indeed. I know how important every hire is for a business. If you need to make the right hire, this is a job for sponsored jobs. Indeed sponsored jobs helps find quality candidates when you need them most. You can reach who you need based on whatever criteria you're looking for, like skills, certifications or location. In fact, people are finding quality hires on Indeed right now. In the minute I've been talking to you, companies like yours made 27 hires on Indeed, according to Indeed data worldwide. Spend less time searching and more time actually interviewing candidates who check all your boxes. Listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit at indeed.com/podcast.

• 19:49Jay Shetty?

  That's indeed.com/podcast. Terms and conditions apply. Need to hire? This is a job for Indeed sponsored jobs. This episode is brought to you by Whole Foods Market. If you're talking about quality food, you can't forget Whole Foods Market, who've been holding themselves to the highest standards since they opened in 1980. That means you'll see thousands of organic products across their stores, from the produce department to the aisles. It also means you'll never see certain ingredients. They've banned artificial sweeteners and colours, high fructose corn syrup and more, so you can shop with peace of mind. Shop Whole Foods Market in-store or online. This episode is brought to you by State Farm.

• 20:34Jay Shetty?

  We talk a lot about intentional decision-making, and that extends to the practical stuff too, like making sure your coverage actually works for your life. State Farm is there to meet you where you are, and they know how sweet it is to feel good about your decisions. Talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbour, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state, coverage options are selected by the customer, availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. Question number four. Again, this next question is sort of another layer or aspect that we've just been talking about. Question four is, am I holding back or being held back?

• 21:18Jay Shetty?

  In my friend's situation, she knew the relationship wouldn't work because not only was she being called to embark on a more spiritual path and a path of service, but also her partner was not supportive of that path. It's not that couples have to match and everything. And in fact, some of the healthiest relationships are between partners who have very different ideas and interests. But the problem comes in when those differences are holding someone back or holding both of you back. Imagine having a job where your manager said, "We want you to serve in this position and do these exact same things every day your entire career here." Maybe some of you are essentially in that situation now. You're being held back. Or you've changed in a way where your job or your relationship no longer fits you and there isn't room for a shift or change.

• 22:02Jay Shetty?

  If that's the case, it's time to move on. I remember when I had a really unique opportunity at my company to go and work for the head of a huge department. But the department that I was currently in didn't like that I was being noticed at a young and early stage in the company by this opportunity. And I was so enthusiastic and so excited, but I was threatened almost that that would end my career. I literally had a boss say to me, "I own you and you're not going anywhere." And hearing those words out of a manager's mouth was just so heartbreaking.

• 22:43Jay Shetty?

  But I knew I had to go because what was being restricted was my potential. And my potential was more important to me than the pain I would go through. And that's really the question that question number four is. Following your potential will always incur some pain. But the pain of not following your potential will probably be even worse. Question number five ties back to that saying about women hoping men will change or men hoping women will change. Now, of course, that's a big generalization and it's not always the case. And people of all genders can do this. The question to ask yourself is, am I here for the potential? Am I here for what could be someday only in my imagination?

• 23:25Jay Shetty?

  So there is potential that you invest in where someone has confirmed it or there's some reality. Like when Riley met me, I didn't have anything. I didn't have a job even when I met her at first. I didn't have any money saved up in the bank. I didn't have anything. But I promised her that I wanted to be stable. I wanted to find a job. I was working hard and I was applying. My action backed my intention. So my potential that she was investing in was my action and intention being aligned. So if you see someone who says they have the intention, but their action doesn't match up, that doesn't make sense. And someone actually, their action matches their intention, but their intention isn't what you're looking for.

• 24:07Jay Shetty?

  That's what you've got to be careful about with question number five. This is a common trap that so many of us fall into. We meet that person or we interview for that job and we think, "This isn't quite right. It's not the best fit, but maybe someday it will change. You know, he'll stop partying so much and want to settle down when he gets older. Or one of these days, I'll do such a good job that my boss won't be able to help but recognize me, and I'll surely be promoted." And yet, it never happens. And you're still hanging in for what may be. Here's the thing, we all have potential. Any person, any manager, any company can change, but there has to be an alignment with that intention and action. And the best way to know is to ask,

• 24:52Jay Shetty?

  "What do I need to do in the next 12 months to get promoted here? What do we need to do together in the next six months to improve this relationship?" You have to have that explicit conversation. I have a big team, and whenever I talk to my team about promotions, I always encourage them to say, "Hey, if you want to get promoted, tell me and ask me what you need to do to get promoted." Asking for a promotion is not the same thing as asking, "What do I need to do to achieve a promotion?" Question number six. Am I the only one trying? Maybe the relationship with the job is not all it's cracked up to be. We all struggle and no relationship and no job is perfect. Definitely not all the time.

• 25:36Jay Shetty?

  But when challenges do arise, if you're the only one trying to fix them, then that may be a sign that it's time to go. Now, it's different. There are some times your partner's trying more, there are some times your boss is trying more, and there's sometimes you're trying more. But if you've felt consistently for a long period of time that you're on your own, unless that's a place you want to be in, then it's time to go. Relationship researchers followed 373 couples for 16 years to determine how their argument styles impacted the success of their relationships. They isolated three basic fight styles when couples disagreed. Some people shut down and avoided conflict, others yelled or otherwise became aggressive, while the last group tended to stay calm and try to address the problem rationally.

• 26:21Jay Shetty?

  Not surprisingly, the couples most likely to split up were those where both parties tended to resort to aggressive fight styles. But the group that was next most likely to break up were those where one person in the relationship stayed calm and constructive while the other either got aggressive or withdrew. It was where only one of them was trying. Michael was an accountant who'd worked in lots of places, but one of his passions was animals. When a job as a bookkeeper at a well-known animal welfare organisation came up, he went for it. The starting pay wasn't great, but the benefits were good, and he loved the people he interviewed with. Plus, to him, the chance to do something meaningful with his career was worth a pay cut. Over the years, Michael proved himself to be a hard-working team player. He launched new initiatives that were a big success,

• 27:05Jay Shetty?

  and he got on exceptionally well with his boss and his other colleagues. Michael's boss recognised his work, and, at review time, finally put him in for a well-deserved raise. But instead of approving it, the vice-president rejected it. Not only would Michael not get the full raise, he got nothing. His boss fought for him, but found out that the raise he'd been promised had been redirected to fund a new hire that would report to the vice-president's wife, who also worked for the organisation. Michael tried to get over it, but he felt betrayed. He felt as if he'd poured so much of his heart and soul into his work, and while his boss tried to do right by him, the company let him down. He realised that while he loved his work, he was the only one trying to make it work. The organisation didn't have his back.

• 27:50Jay Shetty?

  It was a painful decision to leave, but the writing was on the wall. It was time to go. Now, there's another dimension here that we want to consider, and that's whether we have tunnel vision. Are we seeing the full situation clearly, or only our part? Sometimes we're being reactive, or we only have a piece of the puzzle. Wondering if this was the case, Michael went to his immediate supervisor, who told him why he didn't get the raise. "Is there anything that can be done?", he asked her. She said, "Michael, I wish I could say something different, but the truth is that I don't think the leadership here really values its employees." It was confirmation of what Michael had gleaned from his years and what some of the common sentiment was among employees. And that's how he knew it was unlikely things would ever change. Now, question number seven.

• 28:35Jay Shetty?

  Michael was deeply hurt by the decision to deny his raise, whether it's at work or in relationships. Lots of us have been hurt, and many in even deeper ways. So do we stay or do we go once someone has hurt us? One of the questions we need to ask ourselves in this case is, "Can I forgive?" One of the most common situations that comes up is, of course, infidelity. According to data from health testing centres of couples where a partner admitted to cheating, only 15.6% of relationships were able to recover.

• 29:08Jay Shetty?

  When it comes to recovering from a hurt such as infidelity, if a couple is to truly recover, the person who was cheated on has to forgive, and both partners must move on together, which includes resolving any underlying issues as well. According to the marriage and family therapist Jim Hutt, if the partner who was cheated on continues to punish and scold the other partner, the relationship is doomed. So if you find yourself in a situation where you can't forgive, as a result, you're punishing the other person, you're also in many ways punishing yourself. This doesn't mean that you don't want to still work at forgiveness, but it may take much, much more time. Question number eight, to help you know whether it's time to go, is, am I being honest?

• 29:52Jay Shetty?

  Delia dreaded when the conversation with her two best friends would turn to their partners. "How's everything with Adnan?", they'd inevitably ask, and once again, she'd have to lie. "He's great, we're doing fine", she'd say. She knew that if she shared the truth, that he was drinking again and was in danger of losing a job, they'd tell her it was time to go and it was time to leave. Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you're not being honest about your situation with your partner, your job, or even where you're living? London is awesome, there's always something to do. Everything's always open and there's so many interesting people, you tell your family. But in reality, you're lonely, you're tired of traffic, and you're struggling to save money because of your high rent. Now, I want to give you an example of where I've done this before in my life. Whenever anyone would ask me about New York, I'd just be like, "Oh my gosh,

• 30:37Jay Shetty?

  it is the best place I've ever lived. I love the energy, I love the hustle, I love the focus", because at that time, that's what I needed in my life. And so even though I knew I was tired there, even though I knew I was exhausted there, I knew that New York was gonna give me the break that I needed. Now, when I look back, I'm like, "Oh my gosh, I'm so glad I moved to LA and I really enjoy being in California. I love the weather, I love the hikes, I love nature." And that doesn't mean that I wasn't being honest in New York. It's just that that helped me live there. So sometimes you may actually convince yourself to live somewhere because it's good for your purpose. And that's what I've realized, that a lot of the time, you can deal with a lot of pain if you see it in line with your purpose.

• 31:21Jay Shetty?

  I've stayed in jobs, I've stayed in relationships, I've stayed in places because it was good for my purpose, even when it wasn't good for me personally at the time, because I could see the long-term impact of that. And that's a really important thing to consider. Now, question number nine, we're nearly there. Question number nine is, are you someone who's chronically unhappy in your relationship or in your jobs? Are you that person who's moved five times in the last three years and it's just never the right fit? If that sounds familiar, ask yourself the next question. Am I otherwise fulfilled? Sometimes we look to our job or to our partner, to our friends, or even to the place we live to be everything to us. The reality is no person or situation is perfect

• 32:04Jay Shetty?

  or can fulfill everything we need or want in life. If we're projecting all of our needs and desires onto something outside of ourselves, our dissatisfaction will follow us to every relationship, town, and job we try. The reality is that we need to meet our own deepest needs. When we know ourselves, we know what it's reasonable to expect from someone else. An acquaintance of mine was on a business trip. He just had a disagreement with the person he was dating and was trying to decide whether they should break up. As it happened, the man next to him on the plane was a minister, and the two engaged in conversation. He told the minister his situation and said, "I just don't know what to do." "Son," the minister said, "in life,

• 32:47Jay Shetty?

  I've found that the only way to truly know what to do is to deeply know what's inside of you." We can always put things on the other person or the job or where we're living, but unless we know ourselves, we can't know if that's accurate or if we're carrying our trouble with us deep inside. When we take the time to know ourselves, the answers become clearer. Question number 10. And here's the final question you can ask yourself to know if it's time to go. Is there more to learn here? I was really fascinated when I read about Bill Gates and Melinda Gates's divorce recently. And people had their opinions. I was more focused on learning from that scenario.

• 33:31Jay Shetty?

  And Melinda said, "We realized after 27 years, or however long they were together, that we no longer had something to learn from each other." And I thought this was a phenomenal perspective, an incredible point of view, because they really understood that relationships are not for enjoyment. They're for education. They're for enlightenment. We may not love a job, but there may be more to learn. There may be good reason to stay, especially if learning is one of your key values, and if learning that skill is going to help your future purpose. I stayed in careers where I learned things that have really helped me for the future. In her book, The Blue Sweater, international philanthropist Jacqueline Novogratz tells the story of meeting a young man in Pakistan who is volunteering to help build 5,000 low-cost homes for people in poverty.

• 34:15Jay Shetty?

  She asked the young man why he had chosen to work 16 hours a day, in the cold, for no money and no social life. The young man told her that he'd grown up rich and spoiled, and hadn't done much of anything with his life, and he decided it was time to change that. She told him, "You must now feel like a rich man." He looked at her and replied, "Actually, I feel like a man, finally." When we decide it's time to go, it's not about taking the way that feels easier. This young man decided to leave behind his life of ease and take on hardships in order to help others, because deep inside, he knew he had many lessons to learn about life. So here's what I want you to learn today. I want you to take your decision through these 10 questions. I want you to weigh it up.

• 34:59Jay Shetty?

  I want you to see which ones you say yes to and which ones you say no to. And I want you to make a decision that serves you best in the long term. Think about it from a future perspective and how you'll feel about this decision. Everything will make sense. Thank you so much for listening to On Purpose today. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure you leave a review, share it on Instagram and Twitter, and I'll see you again next week. I can't wait for our live events. I'm getting very excited to start planning some of those. Thank you so much for listening, everyone. Have a good one.

• 35:40Speaker 01

  Now, more than ever, we need someone on our side. But Rob Whitman? Whitman's votes drove up costs, cut Medicaid, and risked 350,000 Virginians' health care to pay for tax breaks for himself and his donors. He's not on our side. Shannon Taylor will fight corruption, cut taxes, and bring down costs. This November, vote for Shannon Taylor. She's for us. Paid for by HMP, the House Majority PAC dot com. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee.

• 36:09Speaker 02

  Mr. President, my company informed me of the explosion on our rig.

• 36:13Speaker 01

  On October 2nd.

• 36:14Speaker 02

  Causing massive water displacement and triggering a tsunami. They all heap the blame on me.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  Tom Cruise is.

• 36:20Speaker 02

  Digger got us into this mess, and Digger's gonna dig us up.

• 36:24Speaker 01

  From the director of Birdman and The Revenant.

• 36:26Jay Shetty?

  What would happen if I stopped drilling? You start, you freeze to death, that's what.

• 36:30Speaker 01

  With great power comes great deniability.

• 36:33Speaker 02

  I'm not the first then.

• 36:35Speaker 01

  Digger, see the trailer online. Only in theaters October 2nd. Rated R. Under 17. Not a minute without parent.