Special Episode: Wall to Wall Secrets, Sorry!

Listen. Sometimes we like to shake it up. So while we’re finishing up next week’s episode, I decided to open a sound file and spilled only secrets. This was an exercise in just chilling with you, and not editing a thing. Think of it as my exposure therapy + life advice and embarrassing tales from me, your actual biological father from the internet. Is it too long? Too bad! Is it too boring? I don’t know! But in these uncertain times, it’s important to remember that showing up is what matters. I don’t know, probably. A donation went to the Hand of Salvation Initiative More episode sources and links Other episodes you may enjoy: Oikology (DECLUTTERING), Entomophagy Anthropology (EATING INSECTS), Disgustology (REPULSION), Enigmatology (WORD GAMES), Political Sociology (VOTER TURNOUT & SUPPRESSION) 400+ Ologies episodes sorted by topic Smologies (short, classroom-safe) episodes Sponsors of Ologies Transcripts and bleeped episodes Become a patron of Ologies for as little as a buck a month OlogiesMerch.com has hats, shirts, hoodies, totes! Follow Ologies on Instagram and Bluesky Follow Alie Ward on Instagram and TikTok Editing by Mercedes Maitland of Maitland Audio Productions and Jake Chaffee Managing Director: Susan Hale Scheduling Producer: Noel Dilworth Transcripts by Aveline Malek Website by Kelly R. Dwyer Theme song by Nick Thorburn

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Alie Ward?

  Oh, hey, it's the lady with no intro because this is not a typical episode. I guess a lady with no intro is an intro. Listen, listen. This is all secrets. These are all new wall-to-wall secrets. Dad, what are you doing? Here's what I'm doing. I'm taking a little breather, okay? I was just in New York for the Webby's. We won two, everyone. We won best people's voice for science and we won best science podcast. That makes our fourth Webby and I feel like I should be posting about this online more to brag about it, but it feels arduous to do that and I know I should. I don't. I know people have asked like, what's your least favorite thing about the podcast?

• 0:44Alie Ward?

  And it's usually posting about it, but I'll try it. All right. So here's the deal. I've been working on this episode that's coming out next week. It's about wine. It's a two-parter and I, I didn't get it done in time, which is why it's a Wednesday and this is going up. And I thought, you know what? Let's take a breather. Let's just chit chat. I know that the parts of the show that probably are the most real to me are at the very end. So I thought, I'm, I'm going to take the bra off of my heart and I'm just going to relax and we're going to do a wall-to-wall secrets episode. Thank you, everyone who supports the show via patreon.com/ologies. You can join for as little as a dollar a month. And also we have smologies. Those are shorter, kid-friendly episodes.

• 1:29Alie Ward?

  They are G-rated and this one will not be a smologies and it will not be G-rated probably. Also, thank you to everyone who leaves reviews for the show. I didn't look one up yet. Do you want me to though? All right, I'm gonna look one up in real time. I, one thing that I'm not doing is editing this. I'm gonna try so hard not to edit this whole episode. The whole point is I'm going to record it and it's going to go up immediately. Okay. Um, I haven't pre-read this. Masterson031, it says, it's like the most interesting friend brought her most interesting friend. This was just me. Sorry, Masterson.

• 2:13Alie Ward?

  Um, yeah, they say that the podcast makes science approachable the same way so that so many of us are interested, but don't think we know. I read that whole sentence wrong. They said, "It's so great, highly recommend." You got the gist. Yeah, so it's usually like I bring someone and then I bring you along for the party. But right now, I'm in a dark room. There's no lights on. I have a candle lit and this is going up in, within probably an hour of me doing it. Okay, I prepared a lot of secrets. Let's get to them. All right, we're back. Oh, wait, we're not back yet because I forgot the part where I say, "Thank you to sponsors

• 2:55Alie Ward?

  of the show who make it possible for us to donate to a cause of this time my choosing, and thanks for doing that." Okay, now, there's a break. You might hear an ad or two. How's your ponytail looking? Maybe like a little thinner than it used to? We've talked about this in our menopause episode. At some point, it's bound to happen to all of us. So if you're ready for thicker, fuller hair, start your free online visit today at forhers.com/ologies. For personalized care. So that's F-O-R-H-E-R-S dot com slash ologies. Individual results may vary. Featured products include compounded drug products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required. Price varies based on product and subscription plan.

• 3:39Alie Ward?

  See website for full details, restrictions, and important safety information. Picture this: years of guaranteed research support and a vibrant scientific community that has your back. If you are a PhD student, postdoc, or early career faculty in the biological or biomedical sciences, that doesn't have to be a fantasy. HHMI has a program for you. The Howard Hughes Medical Institute supports scientists at every career stage with a people-not-projects approach, long-term support, and the resources for breakthrough science. Application's open now. You can find your program at HHMI.org/ologies.

• 4:18Alie Ward?

  Okay, we're back. And so now I'm going to tell you some secrets. I have written a bunch down. I've put them on little slips of paper and I'm going to pull them from a gigantic mug that's full of secrets. Okay, and then the music goes.

• 4:51Alie Ward?

  Okay, now we're back. Do you like how unedited this is? A lot of you don't realize how much we edit the show. Everyone's like, why don't you do video podcasts? It's like, because we edit out a thousand ums and so many of my likes and you knows, so many stammers from everyone in the show. And so the work that goes on to get a show up and air is, I promise you, more than you could ever fathom. Jake, Mercedes, Susan Noel, working behind the scenes. And so this one is zero of that. So I don't know. I'm nervous about this because I'm so used to editing and also I'm, I get self-conscious sometimes about putting too much of myself in here, not because I'm afraid of being

• 5:36Alie Ward?

  vulnerable, I don't really care about that, but just I don't know how much y'all want to hear. So if you're listening to this, you're here for a reason. All right, first secret. I love that I'm like, I'm in a dark room with only candlelight and now I can't read these slips of paper because it's too dark. Um, oh my God, the first one I pulled out is that there's, there might be a lot of likes and ums in this. And I feel like I already said that. So if there's a lot of likes and ums, then you're getting the real me. Sorry about it. Okay, the next one. Okay. Um, this secret is something that is embarrassing to me and I don't think I've, I can't go back to this one cafe in my neighborhood because it's a new cafe that just opened up.

• 6:18Alie Ward?

  And I thought I'd saunter in there and do some work on my laptop because in America, we don't have a lot of third spaces and in Los Angeles in particular, um, I like the library, but I also like to have a beverage. So I went to this cafe, it was brand new, I was the only person in there in the morning and I was like, mm. It's gonna be a one-on-one situation with the person who's running it. And so I ordered something at their recommendation and it was not a good drink. It was so sweet. I forgot to also say that like dairy gives me bubble gut. And so I, and then I was sitting there working. I was trying to fake drinking it because I knew they were like, how is it?

• 7:03Alie Ward?

  And I just, I should have asked for like a nut milk or something. And it was also like so cloyingly and they also didn't have wifi. But I made, the most embarrassing part was that the guy who worked there had a motorcycle out front. And I was making conversation. I was like, was that your motorcycle? And he's like, yeah, it is. I like going riding and stuff like that. Um, he's like, do you ride? And I was like, I don't, but my, I, and I said that my husband used to, but he thought I said that he did. And so he was like, do you ever ride with him? And I don't know why I felt so awkward that I just was like, no. And then, um, he was, he started talking to me about my husband's motorcycle. And then I just, um, I just pretended like he had one still.

• 7:46Alie Ward?

  And I just didn't, I don't know what happened at this. This is the worst first secret because it's not coherent at all. But I'm just saying, I went in, I felt really awkward because I had a one-on-one uh, situation with a barista where I didn't really like the drink or the vibe or the smell. And there was no wifi and I accidentally led him on to think that my husband had a motorcycle. And so I, I walk really fast past it every time. But he was really nice and I, I wish the cafe the best. I'll order different next time I go in. Um, next secret that I pulled out is sometimes I miss unscripted stuff, which again feels like, um, there's a poltergeist guiding my hand on which of these secrets that I'm pulling out because I, as soon as I'm like, this is a, this is stupid secret.

• 8:31Alie Ward?

  It's not even a good one. I pull out that I, I miss, um, not writing all of my points down ahead of time. And here I am, you and me in a dark room.

• 8:45Alie Ward?

  Floundering through my secrets. Okay, here we go.

• 8:49Alie Ward?

  I've had two sex dreams about Andy Richter. The first one was at least 10 or 15 years ago, and it wasn't a sex dream, but it was at least like a heavy petting, heavy make out dream. And it happened on Conan's couch, which is really just like a very small love seat from what it, even on TV, it looks small. And in my dream, I had this like heavy make out session with Andy Richter, and I knew he was like never gonna call me again. And then I realized later that I left my bra in the couch, and I watched Conan and whoever was on the couch, I thought, I wonder if my nude bra is still on the couch. So that was, this did not, again, if you have been gardening or multitasking, this didn't happen. It was a sex dream.

• 9:34Alie Ward?

  But then, literally last night, I had this dream where I was on a date with Andy Richter again, and he was really tall. And we were like making out, and I was like, I have to tell him I'm married. And I don't really know, I don't have feelings for Andy Richter in that way. I think he's fine. I think he's great. But I've never, I don't have any sexual impulses. But for some reason, twice now. And I don't feel like I have random make out dreams a lot.

• 10:03Alie Ward?

  Andy,

• 10:06Alie Ward?

  DM me.

• 10:08Alie Ward?

  Don't. I actually, if I ever saw you, I don't know what I would do. I would sweat so much, I'd go hide behind a plant or something. Nobody tell him, if anyone knows Andy Richter.

• 10:19Alie Ward?

  Okay, my next secret I pulled out of the hat was about another local cafe, which tells you a lot about me trying to get out of the house to work. But there's this other cafe, I really like working out. They've got great drinks, great vibe. But I've stopped going to work there because it's a laptop farm, and it's all laptops all the time, and people stay for hours like barnacles. And then new people come in and they look around for a place to sit, like it's an awkward cafeteria that no one wants to sit with them at. And I can tell that the owner is dismayed by it, and that he wishes the vibe where people coming in to chit chat and draw and read books. But instead, it's just like a bunch of us who work from home, but, but don't, and we work from his cafe instead.

• 11:01Alie Ward?

  And so I've decided, I think I'm gonna try to start going just to the library or to the cafe where they serve bad drinks, but they have a lot of... Tables. The next one is about a trash picker. I got this trash picker, like a dollar store, and it's one of those things where you hold it and then it has a claw at the end of it, so you can pick stuff up. All right, it's great if you, if you don't want to bend down to pick things up, but it's also great for picking up things that you don't want to put your fingers on, like a bottle of urine that was tossed out of a UPS truck four months ago that's been sitting in the grass down the street. So I got this trash picker and it is, I can't remember if I've told you this is a secret, but it bears repeating. It's the most fun I've had in a long time.

• 11:46Alie Ward?

  There's something that's very video game about it, where every time you see a shiny gum wrapper or a sliver of a plastic bottle cap. This thing picks it up with surgical precision and then you just put it into the little trash bag you're carrying around. Your neighborhood looks great, but it, it, it's something dope, some, some dopamine lights up, just glitters and illuminates in a way that is like a 3D video game, but you're also picking up ephemera. You're, you're picking up modern day archaeology. You're making the street cleaner and your eyes are scanning everywhere you go, being like, will I find a piece of trash?

• 12:32Alie Ward?

  I hope so. And then some days after my walk for a couple of days, I'm like, not even any trash. So get yourself a trash picker. I promise you, it's like Pokemon Go, but for filth. Let's see the next one. We've got banana peppers. I hate them. Pepper and cheney's banana peppers. If I walk into like a Subway or a 7-Eleven that has a, you know, a bar of condiments for your hot dog.

• 12:58Alie Ward?

  I smell a banana pepper and I'm like, I gotta go. I don't know what it is. I like pickle things. I like peppers. I do know what it is. I do know what it is. I was on a Latin trip bus when I was in high school to go, I took Latin for four years in high school and once a year they had a Latin convention and it would be at some high school in California. You'd all get on a bus, you'd pile on a bus. Imagine the demographic of people who were in a four-year Latin program. It's a lot of unshaved chin stubble from 15 year olds. It's a lot of people who are still learning about etiquette and hygiene and eye contact. And I was sitting next to this guy named Adam.

• 13:44Alie Ward?

  Not, I don't think he had learned about deodorant yet. And he's, his pits smelled like pepperchins. Like the same sort of acrid,

• 13:55Alie Ward?

  vinegary spice. And since then, I cannot, I can't smell a pepperchine. And if one's on a sandwich, I'd rather just give it to a pigeon. They deserve it. Okay, next one. Oh, this is a secret that's a tip too. Keep a towel in your car. I don't know if you've heard me say this at all before.

• 14:19Alie Ward?

  A dish towel in the car. You're gonna need it more than you think that you will. You spill coffee on your pants. You spill an entire iced tea on your pants. Somebody sneezes, somebody barfs. A mustard shoots out of a packet. When you're going down the highway with some drive through options. You're like having, I definitely am like, take whatever leftover napkins you have. Shove those in the glove compartment. But also a dish towel.

• 14:48Alie Ward?

  I cannot tell you how often I use them. And I switch them out. But let's say that you find a baby possum in the road or something. You got a dish towel. It's so handy. And while we're at it, if you take a tube sock, whatever one doesn't match or your favorite, you put that tube sock in the little door cubby that's next to you. Every time you have a piece of trash, again, it could be a shiny gum wrapper. It could be a plastic top. You put that in the sock. And then next time you wash your car, you just turn that sock inside out. All those little pieces, even if it's just, maybe it's not an apple core. Cause I don't know how often you change it. But you not like, don't put a banana peel in there.

• 15:30Alie Ward?

  But if you've got a little something, something, you got a receipt you want to put in there. That tube sock will make sure it doesn't spill.

• 15:39Alie Ward?

  And it's discreet and I like that. So tube stock in a dish towel. Now you know, what's our next one?

• 15:46Alie Ward?

  Okay, this is something that I, I love and it's, I don't know if anyone can relate, but if you have something you love and it's been discontinued,

• 15:58Alie Ward?

  there's a grief that's hard to explain because you think, number one, am I alone in being someone who loved this? Like the rest of my community, global or local, didn't love this as much as I did. So it's canceled, it's gone, it's not available. And also, what, what's my life gonna look like going forward? I think that's a big aspect of grief. And if something like a lip balm that you really love gets discontinued, you feel alone because how come nobody else liked it? And also you think, what am I gonna do without this lip balm? There was a pomegranate lip balm. It was endorsed by Serena Williams. It was made by Mission Skincare in 2009.

• 16:45Alie Ward?

  I put it on before bed every single night. It stays on, I wake up, my lips look refreshed. I, I can't, I, every time I've gone to sleep without it in the last 16, 17 years, I've been like, I've used it a handful of times, I haven't had it. So it's been discontinued for 16 years. And finally, my last tube was running out and I went on eBay and I found some and I bought 10 tubes, 10 tubes of it. And I have an actual lifetime supply. I don't care how old they are, they're good to me. And I, I realized that I will, at the rate that one uses lip balm,

• 17:27Alie Ward?

  it's like a chapstick, I will die before these run out. And it's also weird to age and realize like a lifetime supply, the bar gets lower and lower. Like I remember when my dad was in hospice, we bought him his favorite candy bars, which were Almond Joys. Cause we, we had to try to get calories in him and he loved them. And

• 17:47Alie Ward?

  When I was helping out, when, after he died, I saw a couple Almond Joys still in the cabinet and I broke down sobbing because he would never eat them. But it's interesting that like three candy bars for him at that point were a lifetime supply. So you never know, you could get mowed down by a truck and you had no idea that you had like a lifetime supply of ranch in your refrigerator because you fucking bit the dust. So you never know, I definitely am gonna die before this lip balm runs out. And if anyone else is like, I love that stuff, get in touch with whoever runs my, like my estate sale.

• 18:27Alie Ward?

  Speaking of death and getting run over and stuff, I was just in New York and ah, I loved it. I love New York. I always liked New York, but I was there alone. I went to the Webby's and they're like, sorry, we cannot afford you a plus one. And I was like, I'm rocking this solo then. And I was walking around New York a lot. I was trying to get my steps in. I was just vibing, had my AirPods in and they default into noise cancellation mode. And I almost got mowed down by a cab more than once. And I'm like, I need to turn these on like really loud mode. It's so easy to vibe and it's so easy to look one way or not.

• 19:09Alie Ward?

  And I didn't die. No one almost like ran over me, but I definitely was like, ooh, that was close. So you gotta watch it with your life, my life a movie. Let's see what we got for the next one. You're being so patient. Thanks for hanging out with me. This anthology episode about wine next week is gonna be so good. And the fact that I can just sit here and ramble at you and you're here and hanging out with me makes me feel really nice. It's like, you know, when there's someone that you like and they ask you a question and you go, thank you so much. Actually, this is what this feels like. I'm not offering you a lot of facts, very little helpful advice. I'm not cutting anything I'm saying. I'm leaving the pauses in.

• 19:51Alie Ward?

  I'm messing up and I'm just posting it and I'm not gonna do that every week, trust me. Cause that's not what you're here for, but every once in a while, it is really nice just to chill with y'all. Okay.

• 20:04Alie Ward?

  What's the next one?

• 20:07Alie Ward?

  Oh, here's a hot tip. You know how sometimes you're, you've got a... Well, okay, a couple of things about birthdays. I love other people's birthdays. I think that if you have a friend, I've said this before, if you have a friend and they died,

• 20:24Alie Ward?

  and you would use that as an excuse to get out of something, not even an excuse, but like a reason to get out of something, like, "I'm sorry, I cannot go to the movies. I just found out my friend died, I feel weird." Or if you would go to their funeral, if they died, they were a chum, you gotta go to their birthday party. If you would celebrate this person when they're dead, which arguably is for you for closure, you gotta try to celebrate them when they're alive. So I'm a big fan of birthdays, and I try to keep a birthday candle and a match in my wallet, because you never know when it might be someone's birthday, and you just find out, or you gotta celebrate. I've been to birthday dinners. I went to a birthday dinner recently, a big birthday dinner, for someone close to me. No one had a candle. Restaurant didn't have a candle.

• 21:09Alie Ward?

  There were like 25 people there. No one had a candle. She couldn't blow anything out. I didn't have mine with me because I was traveling.

• 21:18Alie Ward?

  So have a candle on you, you never know. But also, if you are tasked with like making a cake, or bringing a cake, and you feel overwhelmed by it, because I get it. Cake, you need plates, you need all kinds of stuff. Here's an idea, make Rice Krispie Treats instead. It's three ingredients, you need butter, you need marshmallows, you can go vegan if you want, and you need cereal. You put that together, you put that in squares, people can handle it with their hands. Who doesn't like a Rice Krispie Treat? Sometimes people are like, "Cake, oh, I'm okay." But I don't take a... They'll take a sliver of Rice Krispie Treat. Make it easy on yourself, a couple of ingredients, no baking. You bring a Rice Krispie Treat to the office for your coworker's birthday,

• 22:02Alie Ward?

  you've made them happy, you've made everyone happy, and you're not cleaning up any pants. And you're not having to stick a toothpick in anything to see if it's liquid in the center and burnt on the outside. So go easy on yourself. You know what, we're gonna take a break.

• 22:15Alie Ward?

  We're going to take a break. We're going to donate to a charity of my choosing. And thanks to sponsors of the show. And this week, it's going to the Hand of Salvation Initiative, which I think I've talked about on the show before. It's a group in Gaza. Our two friends, Friends of Mercedes Maitland, she introduced me to them. And they are collecting money for people in their camp who have been displaced by the war and the genocide in Gaza. And they take the money, they distribute food to people in the camps around them. They are still living in tents. There are rodents. There are vermin. Their home is destroyed. There are children who are hungry. So they take the money and

• 22:57Alie Ward?

  they send us videos. They send us thank you notes. They feed the people around them. Recently, a windstorm knocked out their solar panel, which was five grand, and nobody had electricity to charge their phones to have communication with the outside world. So we replaced it for them. And they're wonderful people doing wonderful things, Tasneem and Nadal. And so they are on chuffed. We're going to put the link to their fundraiser. We just wiped it clean and we're re-raising money for them. So if you feel like sending them a few bucks, they're really wonderful people. We're in communication a lot. And it's going, it's the most grassroots fundraising I think I've ever encountered. It's literally

• 23:41Alie Ward?

  going to feed people around them. So if you want more too on that conflict, you can listen to our genocide episode, which we re-aired and with updates last November. Okay, that is a donation to Hand of Salvation Initiative. Thank you, Mercedes Maitland, lead editor of the show, for introducing me to them. And thank you for all of the amazing work they're doing out there.

• 24:09Alie Ward?

  How's your ponytail looking? Maybe like a little thinner than it used to? We've talked about this in our menopause episode. At some point, it's bound to happen to all of us. So if you're ready for thicker, fuller hair, start your free online visit today at forhers.com/ologies for personalized care. So that's F-O-R-H-E-R-S dot com slash ologies. Individual results may vary. Featured products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required. Price varies based on product and subscription plan. See website for full details, restrictions, and important safety information. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. If you haven't heard me gushing about Squarespace for years, it's an all-in-one website platform. Whether you're trying to grow a business you have

• 24:54Alie Ward?

  or if you're just a baby business getting started, it has everything you need. That's where I secured my domain name. It helped me build a professional site. I can update it so easily. I've been using Squarespace since before ologies existed. After procrastinating for years, I literally built my website in one evening. They have templates. They have flexible editing tools. Squarespace also makes it easy to share your work. You can book clients. You can get paid. They have built-in tools for scheduling and invoicing and email all in one place. Whenever someone I know needs a website, whether they're a scientist that needs to put their work up or someone who's just starting a business, I'm like, dude, Squarespace. So head to Squarespace.com/ologies for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch,

• 25:38Alie Ward?

  use offer code OLOGIES to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. You can do it. Peppa Pig is your preschooler's best friend. Give the gift of bike riding confidence this year and help Peppa learn to ride her bike. Kids can imagine learning to ride a bike with the Ready Pedal Go Peppa Bicycle Playset. Put Peppa's helmet on, attach the push stick to her bike, and push to make her pedal. Ready Pedal Go Peppa and more from Peppa Pig are now available at all major retailers this holiday season.

• 26:16Alie Ward?

  Listen, sometimes you get out of your routine. That happened to me recently when I went out of town and I realized I forgot my Ritual Essential for Women 18+. It's a multi that I've been taking for years. And guess who landed in another country without them? Me. Didn't feel right. They contain nine key nutrients, two delayed-release capsules designed for optimal absorption. But Ritual, why do I love them so much? They have a team of scientists. They poured over thousands of studies to figure out what are common gaps that people need in their diet, but they don't actually consume. It's also designed to be gentle on the stomach. You can take it with or without food, which I love. Plus, I like that it looks like a tiny lava lamp. I tell you that every time, but it has these beads and oil. And it tastes like mint, easy down the hatch. I usually take them in the morning.

• 27:01Alie Ward?

  And the reason why I've stuck with Ritual for so many years is because my schedule's all over the place. Sometimes I'm eating breakfast, sometimes I'm running through an airport with one shoe. So instead of striving for perfect health, aim for supporting foundational health. Save 25% on your first month at ritual.com/ologies. That's ritual.com/ologies for 25% off your first month. Here's some things that I love to wear, okay? I like wearing all black because it matches. Also, a sleeveless Mongolian cashmere sweater. Those are some things that I find myself reaching for all the time. And they have a permanent place in my wardrobe, and they are Quince. That's exactly what Quince does so well. They make these elevated essentials.

• 27:45Alie Ward?

  They use premium materials and designs that are just timeless. They're made to be worn again and again. They're those quality pieces that are there to stay in your closet. And as the weather gets a little more crisp, Quince, they've got everything you need to round out that wardrobe. They've got warm, responsibly sourced down jackets, cozy cashmere scarves. And because they cut out the middleman, you get very high-quality stuff for a lot less money. So find the fall pieces that you will reach for most at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. You can get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns, now available in Canada and the UK too. And then when Quince asks where you heard about them, just let them know it was Ologies

• 28:29Alie Ward?

  with Ali Ward because she loves them. It's the best way to support the show, too.

• 28:35Alie Ward?

  Thanks to sponsors for making donations possible every week, which is my favorite part about doing the show. Okay. Okay, we're back. More secrets. Thank you for sticking with me so much. I'm glad you're still here. Sometimes I get really freaked out about doing the show. I've done it for what, eight years, I think? We're almost, yeah, we're on our eighth year? No, we're on our ninth year. We're gonna turn nine this year. We've, we've done 500 episodes, over 500. The allergies episode that we did, the allergies allergy episode that we did a few weeks back was our 500th. And we just like unceremoniously passed 500 episodes. We're always racing to the finish line to get these out. We do

• 29:16Alie Ward?

  65 episodes a year on this feed. And then for Smology's, we do 50 episodes a year. If you have children and you want some kid-safe stuff, you can go to look up Smology's, S-M-O-L-O-G-I-E-S, wherever you get podcasts, and you'll find some kid-friendly ones. We put them out once a week. So we were hustling. We're a very small team. And, and we're all really passionate about what we're doing. And I forgot what I was talking about. But, um, thanks for being here. There was a point to that. And if I were editing this, I would do an aside here, but I'm not. Okay, what's our next secret? Um, honestly, thanks for being here. Um, oh, saving my sanity. I kept losing my phone and I felt like I was

• 30:01Alie Ward?

  losing my mind. We've all lost our minds. It's been a really weird 2026. And also, if you're more tired than usual, ooh, I get it. I'm right there with you. But I kept losing my phone. I couldn't find where it was. And I feel like I would walk past it all the time. And I got the most obnoxious phone case that I could buy at this little kiosk. And it's bright, bright, bright fuchsia. And it's saved my whole brain. I can see it in my purse. I can see it when I leave it behind. I don't walk past it five times because it's dark. Same with your wallet. If you have a dark wallet, you're gonna lose that shit all the time. Get yourself a bright colored wallet and you're not gonna leave it behind in a restaurant booth, or in a cab. You're gonna be able to see it at the

• 30:43Alie Ward?

  bottom of your bag. Get something bright. I can't tell you how much that's changed my life. I swear to God. Okay, um, it's worth it. And you can get a cheap one. Um, okay, sometimes people ask if we've ever taken an episode down. And we've only done it one time. And it was Cephology, which we put out in

• 31:02Alie Ward?

  2018, right around the midterms. And it's the science of voting. We also have a political sociology one, which is about like the sociology of voting. But this one is a sociology one. It's about how elections run. And the audio sucked such shit. It was the worst audio. And also, we talked a lot about very specific midterm election stuff. And I was like, I don't feel like this is comprehensive. And if people go to find information about voting, they're just going to hear a lot about like, who's going to flip what? And the audio sucks. So I took it down, which means that we could do another one. And I'm thinking it's time for that. So we may have to do another election one.

• 31:46Alie Ward?

  Next secret. Connor Knighton is a friend of mine. We both worked for CBS. He works on CBS Sunday mornings. He's a delight. And he wrote a book called Leave Only Footprints. It's about national parks. He went to a bunch of national parks and he wrote about them. And he also intersperses some stuff about his love life and things he's processing. Anyway, he's a good pal. And my mom and my sister are in a book club. And his book came up. And they mentioned that that was the book they're reading. I was like, I know Connor. So I sent him a message. And I was like, my, my family wants to know whatever happened with your love life. He provided an update, which I won't hear because you're going to have to follow him and find out for yourself.

• 32:25Alie Ward?

  But he zoomed into their book club, which was such a daymaker. What a delight. And so I'm going to plug his book here, Leave Only Footprints, and say, thank you for showing up to my mom and my sister's book club. They said that they're going to talk about it like until everyone dies. Like, it was such a highlight. Also, he might get, I don't think he'd get pissed at me for this, but he's single. Well, there you go. That's the spoiler on his love life. And he lives in Seattle. He did not tell me to say this, but I'm just saying. If you like absolute darlings who like the outdoors and you live in Seattle, I don't know, do not do anything creepy. Please, nobody do anything creepy. But I just think he's a delight and I just, I think you should get his book.

• 33:10Alie Ward?

  And also, I'm, I'm hoping that everything works out for him. And I don't know, that's all I'm saying. Let's talk about lip liner. I love a lip stain. I love putting on lipstick once and then not thinking about it. And I really don't like if you're sipping something and then you see like a half moon of, of like chunky pink on whatever your, whatever vessel you're drinking from. It gives me the heebie jeebies. So I love a lip stain. I've tried a bunch. I swatched a bunch on my hand recently and it looked like I had a skin disease. But the one that has worked the best, CoverGirl Outlast. It's like a little pen. You have to, you should probably store it upside down because it works better.

• 33:54Alie Ward?

  And that thing lasts all day. Great colors. Not paying me. Again, and if CoverGirl's evil, I'm so sorry. I'll look into it. There's so many evil companies. Next secret. God, every company's evil. Every company is evil, almost. It's like if you're making money, you're evil, probably. I'm not saying you should burn down a warehouse. But I am saying, we have a revolutionology episode you should listen to. Okay, here's a hot tip. Clean out your nightstand drawer.

• 34:35Alie Ward?

  If you have a nightstand and it has a drawer, or it just has a top to it, and you're feeling depressed for any reason, see aforementioned discussion about revolutionology? Clean it out. See what's in there. You know how sometimes you put the stuff that you don't want anyone to find in the nightstand drawer? Clean it out. See what's in there. Put your mind at ease. You got a junk drawer? I like to call it a utility drawer because I think junk is pejorative. But clean it out. See what's in there. Every time you open it, you're gonna be like... Got my shit together. Look at that. You're the top drawer of your bathroom where you keep all your stuff, including the toothbrush that you hide from your husband because you don't really like

• 35:17Alie Ward?

  the electric one, although thank you so much for all the people who wrote to me after listening to my secret about how I don't know if I'm overstimulated by an electric toothbrush. It seems chaotic to me. Toothpaste flings everywhere. It's too much. And someone's like, "Just use it in the shower." And I'm like, "So shower twice a day now, at least." Or, "And after I eat anything garlicky." I'm gonna try to go back to the oral B, I promise. But clean out a drawer that you use the most and you'll feel so good about yourself.

• 35:58Alie Ward?

  It's like the best therapy you can buy in 12 minutes. Also, time yourself and see how long it took you to do it. Because I'm sure that you're like, "Ugh." By the time you actually time it, it'll take you less than 15 minutes. And you'll feel so put together. There are people that I see in the airport, Jarrett calls these, Jarrett and I call these "airport ladies," and then the people who are going through TSA and they're wearing a nice outfit, their hair looks like it's been brushed, they probably smell good, their socks match, they're not floundering, they don't look like someone just woke them up and shoved them in a place they don't want to be.

• 36:41Alie Ward?

  And I call them "airport ladies," and I'm like, "I wonder if I'm ever gonna be an airport lady, like a lady who looks put together and looks like she knows where she's supposed to be when."

• 36:52Alie Ward?

  And I swear, clean out a drawer, you're gonna feel like an airport lady. Okay, um, I'm still not an airport lady, but a couple times I've gotten up early enough to do my hair and put on makeup and wear like not pajamas to the airport. And I'm like, "Feels good." Feels good, but if you wear high heels in an airport, what are you doing? What are you doing? You don't have to prove that much. You don't have to prove that to anyone. But I've seen people in stilettos in an airport and I'm like... You're doing too much. I want them to take it off. I went to the Webby's this past week and, or it was a couple of days ago, and all the speeches are only allowed to be five minutes long. I mean, oh, my God, five words. That's so different. Five words long.

• 37:37Alie Ward?

  So everyone has to prepare ahead of time. It's five words. Everything goes so fast. They're so quippy. They're so funny. No one's like, I forgot to thank my kindergarten teacher for inspiring me. Just five words. I was supposed to record like a video with mine. I haven't done it yet. I need to upload it. I think that mine is gonna be either, everything's interesting if you ask, or scientists will save your ass. And I'm not sure which one it should be. Maybe you guys can let me know in some comments or something.

• 38:13Alie Ward?

  Okay, let's do another one.

• 38:17Alie Ward?

  Thanks again for being here. My dog sat on my face today and I could smell her breath and it made me so happy. She smells, she smells, her breath smells like,

• 38:31Alie Ward?

  like if you got a seafood tower at a restaurant, you couldn't finish and you got it to go and then you left it in the car. She smells like dental floss

• 38:44Alie Ward?

  after like a lobster dinner. And I've just brushed her teeth and we take her in regularly to our vet. She's got a lot of teeth pulled. She's 13, she's 14. I think it's time again. But she likes to sit on pillows. If she has the option to sit on a pillow, she'll sit on it. Doesn't matter who else is on it. And I was lying on the couch today because I was taking a break from writing this wine episode that's gonna come out next week now because I decided to do this one instead. And I put a pillow on my head to block out the sunlight and because I was feeling beleaguered and she crawled up onto the pillow and she sat on the pillow that was on my face. And her face was right above my nose and I could smell every molecule coming out of there. I love that girl.

• 39:31Alie Ward?

  What would I do without her? I'd probably sleep in a little later.

• 39:38Alie Ward?

  I wouldn't trade her for the world. I almost started crying because I love her so much. She's 13. I don't want to think about what her lifespan is gonna be. I don't want to think about it. Another secret, Medium Build, the band? Lovin', Lovin', Medium Build. I think it's just one guy who calls himself a band. And I missed his show last year in LA and I'm so sad I did. And I keep being like, when's he gonna play again? But Jarrett just shaved his beard and he left a mustache. And I had music streaming on my TV and I looked over and Jarrett was standing in front of the TV and Medium Build was on the TV and they look so similar. And I took a picture and I'll have to post it on the Ologies Instagram because it's really uncanny.

• 40:23Alie Ward?

  But his music is great and melancholy and beautiful. And I get the song "The Yoke" with him and Julian Baker stuck in my head a lot. And there's also one called "Crying Over You" and it talks a lot about places in LA. Oh, it's so good. Okay. Another secret, when I see people taking grad photos, like I was just in New York and there were so many people in the public library there who were in their graduation outfits getting pictures taken because it's very beautiful and picturesque and huge, tall cathedral ceilings and marble everywhere and stacks of books and like oak and water fountains.

• 41:05Alie Ward?

  It's so beautiful. That's, what a library. And so there were so many people in taking their, also wedding photos. I think some people maybe had gotten married that day or in the library. There are a lot of brides and grooms as well. But whenever I see anyone taking a grad photo, I always just want to be like, "Congratulations, you've probably been through so much. And I hope that you don't have any units left over and that this isn't just like an honorary thing and you could actually chill." Although also...

• 41:38Alie Ward?

  Job market is hard and I hope they have something lined up. I don't know, maybe it's, it's, I'm lucky that I podcast. I'm, I'm lucky that I have a job and the only person that can fire me is, for the most part, right now, me, which I would. Sometimes I think I would get, I would give myself the sternest talking to, like, my performance reviews would be like, why did you put up a whole episode of Secrets instead of the wine episode? Like, um, why did you blame jet lag on having horrible sleep? And then your brain was too flustered to finish the episode? Like, why can't? I would demote myself if I could. But unfortunately, I'm the only me I've got.

• 42:22Alie Ward?

  Let's see. I'll give you guys, I, thank you for hanging out. I hope this feels like a hangout. I don't, I guess I don't care, though, because I'll tell you the truth. We've been doing this for so long and, you know, we research, we edit. I write out all my talking points or scripts. I have all my citations and stuff like that. And sometimes it makes me worried that

• 42:51Alie Ward?

  the facade or the artifice is what is valuable. And I worry that the more me I am, or the more raw the edges, the more repugnant I might be to listeners, or disappointing, or something. So I think that

• 43:16Alie Ward?

  having

• 43:18Alie Ward?

  this mishap where I don't have the episode, but I have to put, I don't have to put something up, but I, I'm on, again, on contract for 65 episodes a year. So I do have to put something up. But, um, but doing this free form like this is a good exposure therapy to being a little bit more unedited here and there and not feeling like I need to be perfect. It's also tough when you're on the internet, you have a lot of feedback. And sometimes it's great and other times you go. And you filter what you say through the maddest person who could leave a comment to you. And in trying to please everyone, you please no one, not even yourself. And so

• 44:00Alie Ward?

  you start talking, you start thinking even and ideating in a voice where the fewest people will be upset with you from a pedantic standpoint. And I don't know, the spontaneity kind of gets lost there. And maybe as time goes on, you would think that you would get more and more confident and more and more like, fuck you. And there are parts of me that are like that. But at the same time, you just think, any, any upset DM I get or something, I'm gonna have to maybe, you know, deal with or have a, some sort of conflict resolution, or I ignore it and I feel like a jerk. And so, anyway, sometimes, you just

• 44:44Alie Ward?

  think I'll insulate myself with this guise of having it together, which is really, really counterproductive to creativity. Because I feel like being creative and being a little weird, and leaving your ums and likes in and things like that is, gives other people permission to be more of themself and not overthink so much. But what I was gonna tell you is, plan your fucking wives' birthday parties. I'm glad this secret came up, because I'm feeling hot under the collar about it. Here's the thing, I have friends who are

• 45:22Alie Ward?

  having big birthdays, and I have several friends having milestone birthdays, been married for like 20 years, whatever, their husbands are doing absolute bub kiss for them. And we're like, hey, are you gonna plan like a party? Are you gonna, do you want to do a surprise party? Do you wanna like, plan a getaway with some of her close friends? And the husbands are like, I don't know, I asked her and she said she didn't know. So then what happens is, the labor gets outsourced to her best friends, who have been doing this since the bridal shower air, time, you know, since the 21st birthday

• 46:03Alie Ward?

  time, since the wedding shower, bridal shower, everything. Ladies have to plan the fucking parties, and you don't notice it when it's

• 46:13Alie Ward?

  A 21st birthday, because people aren't usually with long-term partners then, unless it's like Utah or something. And with bridal showers and baby showers, it's like, that's vagina adjacent. So ladies are on it. But then it comes to the big birthdays. And I'm not saying all of you at all, but I'm saying some dudes are like, well, and then the ladies are like, okay, well, let's figure out what your ideal birthday would be. Let's figure out where do you want to go? What do you want to do? Who do you want to be with? Ta-da-da-da-da. And so we're out here planning these. And I'm like, you know what? You live with, this woman had your children. You've lived with her for 20 years. You're trying to tell me you don't know what her perfect day looks like?

• 46:58Alie Ward?

  Does she like Hawaiian shaved ice? Does she like Rice Krispie treats? Does she like gelato? Does she want an ice cream cake? You're telling me you have no idea? You can't even come up with a, you can't even fumble a surprise and at least try? Instead, I'm out here planning my girlfriend's birthday parties. And the dudes are nowhere. Pisses me off. Don't say, I don't know. If you, if you have a wife? If you have a husband? I feel like this is a hetero problem more, I mean, let's be real. But if you have a partner who has a thing coming up, try. Get in there.

• 47:43Alie Ward?

  I'm so pissed. I just am like, how disrespectful, you know? How disrespectful? Okay.

• 47:51Alie Ward?

  Make a Rice Krispie treat though. Um, okay. Another secret, if you listen to that enigmatology episode about magic and puzzles, which are the same ology. And I found a magician who writes New York Times crossword puzzles. You might remember that I was like, I'd say, great, I don't really like crossword puzzles. I've never liked them. I don't like doing them. They stress me out. Something clicked. Something happened recently. I've been bricking my phone. It's a brick is this little thing you can get for 50 bucks. And you can tell it which apps to brick. And you have to physically touch your phone to it if you want to un-brick. So it keeps you from scrolling. And it's very handy. Another reason why I don't like posting, because I have to go un-brick my phone. But I don't have the crossword app un-bricked.

• 48:34Alie Ward?

  And I've been really liking it. It's kind of like if you've ever solved a wordle and you go I solved a wordle, I feel a little good about myself. It's like that, but there's like 40 different wordles to solve, sort of. And then you start getting used to the, oh, there's a question mark at the end of this. This is gonna be a little pun, this is gonna be a little tricky. And what it taught me from a weird existential level of self-acceptance was like, well, of course I couldn't have gotten that word when I first tried because it's a little joke or a pun. I never would have guessed that, but I worked around it and then it gave me the clues. Or I went and I worked on this cluster of words for a while and I came back to it and then the word popped in my head. So I didn't like crosswords for a long time because I felt like, and also like, don't start with a Saturday.

• 49:19Alie Ward?

  The Saturday has like a bunch of weird crossword inside jokes and like, who's the composer? And you're like, I don't fucking know. Start with a Monday, start with a Tuesday, ease into it. But it does make you feel accomplished and it does teach you that things are a process and that it's okay if you don't know at first, you just keep working on it. So, crosswords. Also, I don't want to get dementia. If they tell me to do the crossword and I'll have fewer plaques in my brain and I'll remember who I am until I die, which might be me getting hit by a cab next time I go to New York with a lifetime supply of lip balm in my nightstand that's clean, so be it.

• 50:00Alie Ward?

  Okay, last secret I'm gonna tell you. I think we've, okay. We talked about, we've talked about vegetarianism many times and about how I'm an aspiring vegetarian. I've cut back on meat a lot, but I know that any animal product is, especially with factory farming, is not good for animals. And it's something that in the future, we're gonna find meat eating and eating from factory farms reprehensible. Like, there's no way morally to justify it. And I talked about this, I'm literally forgetting what episode we did last week. We've done so many episodes. Turkeys. Yeah, okay.

• 50:43Alie Ward?

  So, and I talked a little bit about how any reduction in meat is a good one, but, and also how if you drive on roads and you live in a house, like you've killed animals and you've displaced animals and you kill animals all the time. And also, what is an animal? If you wash a mite off your face that lives in your eyebrows, is that cruelty to animals? I don't know. But I was thinking, maybe I should start eating more bugs and mealworms and things like that, because they can be, they're protein that's harvested in a much more humane way, typically, typically frozen, and they go kind of into a torpor.

• 51:23Alie Ward?

  It's still death, but I think that the world might need to embrace this more. We did a whole entomophagy anthropology episode, which was great. Maybe we'll try to link it in the show notes, even though I'm gonna put this thing up in like, five minutes. But I think more people could get behind it and normalize it, because what seems to be the big hurdle is cultural and just squeamishness. But if you have eaten fried shrimp with the shells on, if you have eaten lobsters, if you've eaten other crustaceans, it's not

• 52:06Alie Ward?

  that big a jump. And we're really letting like, an ick factor keep us away from a much more sustainable harvest of animal protein, if that's the way you want to go. Again, tofu is great. There are other vegan options that are great, that I lean into already. But back in the 70s and 80s, the idea of tofu barfed some people out. They were like, it's got toes in it, and it's soy, and it's like, a big block of whatever. Now, it's not a big deal. And I think that bugs, I think we're living in an era where people think bugs, if this were like, an SAT thing, where you had a something in a colon, and then a double colon, and another thing, it'd be like,

• 52:49Alie Ward?

  You know, like 1980s was just tofu, it was like bugs is to now, whatever. So I think I am seriously gonna try to do that more. And I don't know what, I don't know where that's gonna go. But I wish that there were more, maybe there, I wish there were more people pulling for it. But then I started getting in my head and I was like, what if the bugs that we try to farm get out like snails did in California and during the gold rush? And they start decimating crops and then worldwide hunger soars. Because some of us were like, we should be eating bugs instead of chickens. I don't know, guys, I worry too much.

• 53:34Alie Ward?

  I am gonna tell you a secret now that's not from me. I did a live show in Brooklyn in November. And I had people fill out a card, either something, a life problem that I can fix, or a secret that I could read on stage. And so I have a, I have a hat that is filled with secrets and problems. And so for my last secret, I'm going to tell you somebody else's. I have not seen these, I have the bag, it's full of probably like 100 secrets and problems. And I'm just gonna read one at random.

• 54:17Alie Ward?

  Okay, this person said, "I am banned from the Hampton Classic Horse Show for yelling at rich people. Planet and people over profit. Right on the money. Animal cruelty also, and the planet." So, ask smart people. Oh, another secret is this person just said, "I masturbate sometimes." They smelled, they spelled masturbate wrong. But I appreciate the confession. Okay, I'm sorry, these are so fun. Okay, one more, one more. Oh, this one's brutal. Oh, this is brutal. It just says, "Maybe I never really loved her." Oh, fuck.

• 55:05Alie Ward?

  Well, it's past tense. So maybe that's a chapter of your life that's over. And if it is, if you never really loved her, maybe. It's better you let her go and let her find someone who does love her. Or give her some space to love herself because there's nothing like the glow up after a breakup. So maybe if you took off, her life just got better. My life always improves after a breakup. Always. It sucks at first and then I go, thank God for that. And I love your mother, Jarrett Sleeper.

• 55:50Alie Ward?

  We've been together pretty much 15 years this summer. We're about to have our fifth wedding anniversary. And we broke up a thousand times when we were dating. I'm older than him by like a lot. And I was like, I gotta figure out what I'm, am I gonna have kids? What's going on? So we just kept, I kept breaking up with him. We kept breaking up. I was like, you're young, you need to go sow your oats and good luck. And maybe one day you're just gonna marry a gorgeous yoga teacher that is abundant in Los Angeles. And so I went through a lot of breakups with him. And then I also dated other guys and then we broke up and stuff like that in between with the guys. And then I'd date him, I'd date Jarrett again. My point is that I'm in a little bit, there's, there are times when I'm like,

• 56:33Alie Ward?

  you know, what would be great right now would be a breakup. I would get so fit. I would probably give myself a little makeover. I would spend more time reading. But the problem is I don't wanna break up with him. But I do want the revelations and the self-care and like the hotness that comes after a breakup. And I don't know, I don't know how to do that without breaking up with someone. I did meet someone this weekend at the Webby's and their channel, their, their whole hook is breakup glow up. And I was talking to her about it. I was like, we gotta figure out a way to get that without cutting someone out of your life that you're obsessed with and you love.

• 57:18Alie Ward?

  We'll figure it out. Thanks for being here. Look at us.

• 57:22Alie Ward?

  51 minutes. I'm not going to do an edit. I'm not doing a single edit. Thank you for being here. This was

• 57:31Alie Ward?

  not like a risk to do. Thanks for just letting me slow talk without a punch of edits and letting me tell you so many secrets. Maybe no one will listen to this. Isn't it weird that I talk and then I put this up? And people listen to it? That that does not compute for me. It doesn't. I don't understand it. I feel like I just am making this for a friend. And that's you. And you're listening. It doesn't comprehend that there's more than one of you. There's got to be an analogy for that. But we'll figure it out. Thanks for being here. Okay. Next week you'll get a real episode. Bye bye.

• 58:13Alie Ward?

  Pachydermatology, homology, cryptozoology, lithology, nanotechnology, meteorology, geontology, anthropology, seriology, seismology.

• 58:34Speaker 01

  Is that all?

• 58:35Speaker 02

  Yes, sir. That's all.

• 58:36Speaker 03

  This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Every football player brings something different to the field. Some have speed. Some have power. Some have their own podcasts. That being said, no two players are exactly alike. And the same is true off the field. That's why State Farm takes the time to get to know you. So they can help personalize coverage for your life and budget. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.

• 59:01Speaker 04

  Oh, look. You just got added to a meeting about coordinating another meeting to prepare for the pre-meeting ahead of the follow-up meeting, which will, of course, require a recap meeting. And then another meeting. Hit your booking point. Book with Southwest and enter airplane mode.