Field Trip: My Butt, a Colonoscopy Ride Along & How-To Encore

Come check out my butt with me (again)! 1 in 16 people in the U. S. will have colon cancer, and 0 in 16 want to talk about getting a camera up your guts to check things out. I am one of them, but after losing loved ones to colon cancer – and staring down the barrel of my first-ever colonoscope — I recorded tips, tricks, taste tests, foggy drug hazes, bar room advice, and finally my surprising results. It may save a life. Possibly yours.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Alie Ward?

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• 0:36Speaker 01

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• 1:05Speaker 03

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• 1:35Alie Ward?

  OK, up top, just so you know, this is a weird episode. Topic's weird, format weird, audio weird. Stick with me. It's worth it to the end, I promise. OK. Oh, hey, it's your friend's kid who's hitting you with a pool noodle, Ally Ward. And come with me as I research, prep for, get a colonoscopy, and then learn some alarming results. Will you? OK, so I'm proud of you, number one, for being here. It's an investment in your health. Or maybe you're just here because you like butts, or you want to hear some hot gossip about mine. Maybe someone who cares about you sent this as like a friendly, encouraging Valentine, straight up your rectum. But here's what's up. I needed a colonoscopy and like one would imagine,

• 2:20Alie Ward?

  I was not thrilled at this prospect. But I have lost a few loved ones to colon cancer. And I've seen firsthand how gnarly it is to have cancer in your guts. And little known word trivia. So my dad had blood cancer for nine years, but his chemotherapy had the side effect of causing colon cancer, possibly. And it was actually that, undetected for too long, which ultimately took his life. So this episode is personal, really, like in every way possible. And maybe for you too. One in 16 people in America will get colon cancer and zero in 16 like talking about it. So if this intestinal odyssey helps one person get screened, I guess it's worth the potential embarrassment.

• 3:05Alie Ward?

  And trust me, there's a lot of embarrassment in this. One of my favorite things that I've learned from your pod mom, Jared Slaper, is that something is only as embarrassing as you let it become. Because when you're embarrassed, people get embarrassed for you. But when you don't give a fuck, no one feels bad for you. So you just own your colons. So what? Shrug it off. Let's get started. But first, thank you to everyone at patreon.com/ologies for supporting the show. Thank you to everyone who passes this along to a friend and those wearing merch from ologiesmerch.com. Thanks to everyone who subscribes and rates and reviews, which helps so much. I read every review and this week there were such sweet ones, even though someone named Bort Muppet Margaret

• 3:50Alie Ward?

  meant to leave five stars, but left one star. But that's okay. It happens. I didn't take it personally. Also, B Bell 971720, thanks for the review that said, I love science. I thought I hated science my whole life until this podcast and it has shifted my view of absolutely everything. Bee Bell, Margaret, everyone who left a review, thank you. Okay, either way, let's get into it. Let's get into, let's get into me. So we're gonna cover how to prep for a colonoscopy, the best tips from people who have been through this, why one must even prepare for a colonoscopy, butt cameras, history, pathology reports, advice from drunk strangers, how a colonoscopy is like a frat house rager, and more.

• 4:35Alie Ward?

  This episode might save your life, so come along. Let's take the back entrance in this field trip to my butt. A colonoscopy ride along and how to. Ding.

• 5:04Alie Ward?

  Let's start in my kitchen the Saturday afternoon before my Monday morning colonoscopy.

• 5:13Alie Ward?

  Okay. So I was supposed to get a colonoscopy a year ago, but I was too busy taking care of my dad, who was dying of colon cancer. So, ha, ha, ha. I had the prep and everything, and it's been stashed in a CVS bag in a cupboard above my refrigerator for a year. So let's dig into this and see what the instructions say. I hope to God I wasn't supposed to start this yesterday. Okay. Oh, boy. Gavolite G. Take as directed one time only. As though you're gonna be like, I gotta get me some more of that.

• 5:58Alie Ward?

  I gotta shit my brains out again. Okay, so this was filled last year. Cool. Okay, so I've had this large paper bag from the pharmacy, sitting in the cupboard, stapled shut. It's been above my refrigerator in the cabinet for over a year, and I finally cracked it open.

• 6:25Speaker 04

  You open it up and it's just a gallon. It's a gallon jug. Oh no. Oh no.

• 6:34Speaker 04

  No.

• 6:36Speaker 04

  This sucks.

• 6:41Speaker 04

  Okay, it's Gavolite G.

• 6:44Speaker 04

  It, um, there's a lot of polyethylene glycol sodium sulfide. Potassium, okay. So you're supposed to fill to the top of the bottle. You've gotta drink this whole thing? Oh no.

• 7:05Speaker 04

  And then it comes with a flavor pack. It's a lemon flavor pack. I guess this, this part is optional.

• 7:12Speaker 04

  When it reconstituted the bottle to a volume of four liters, which is a gallon. So this preparation can be used with or without the lemon flavor pack. Add lukewarm drinking water to the fill mark on the bottle. No solid food should be consumed for the three to four hour period before drinking the solution. But in no case should solid food be eaten within two hours. Oh my God. Drink one eight ounce cup of the solution rapidly every 10 minutes. A loose watery bowel movement should result in approximately one hour. Continue drinking until the entire contents, four liters, have been consumed or as directed by a physician.

• 7:57Speaker 04

  And it says, note, the solution is more palatable if chilled in the refrigerator before drinking.

• 8:03Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 8:08Speaker 04

  I cannot believe how much liquid this is gonna be.

• 8:14Speaker 04

  I don't know why this is, I think I'm so scared I'm starting to, I'm doing the thing where you start to giggle when you're so scared. Like this is so, this is so horrifying to me that it's funny. And I know that it's, it's not actually funny.

• 8:30Speaker 04

  And if you barf this up or you have dizziness, you're supposed to call someone immediately. You may experience some abdominal bloating and distension before the bowels start to move. So don't eat solid foods on the day before your colonoscopy and until after your colonoscopy. I doubt you're going to be in Twilight and be like eating a hoagie or something. Who wants a sandwich? Just like a Philly cheesesteak on the table. Drink only clear liquids. So clear liquids or water, clear fruit juices without pulp like apple, white grape or white cranberry, strained limeade or lemonade, coffee or tea without creamer,

• 9:10Speaker 04

  clear broth, clear soda, gelatin, popsicles without fruit pulp. Do not eat or drink anything colored red or purple.

• 9:20Alie Ward?

  Okay, so you don't want to eat anything with red dye in it, like red or purple drinks or Jell-O because residue of that can look like blood or a lesion in your intestines. So help the docs out and avoid like fruit punch. Also, five days before the exam, start a low fiber diet. It's antithetical to everything you know. You want to avoid fruits and veggies and whole grains. So a week before, you're eating mashed potatoes, you're having crackers, etc. But the day before the exam, the day before the exam, no solid food of any kind.

• 10:03Alie Ward?

  It's just you and the gallon jug plus as much clear broth and Jell-O and clear pulp-free juices like apple juice. So I had an early appointment on a Monday morning, checking in at 7:00 a.m. So I was supposed to start Sunday night, 4:30 p.m. and drink half a gallon over two hours. Just chug this thing down the hatch alongside some Dolcalax just for some added action. And then wake up in the middle of the night and drink the other half the gallon between 3:00 and 4:00 a.m., like hours before the procedure. So your timing might be a little different, but the moral here is just take the day off. You're going to be tired. You're going to be peeing out your keister by design, maybe by accident.

• 10:48Alie Ward?

  I was warned that no farts are to be trusted. Sit on a towel, or, per the instructions.

• 10:55Speaker 04

  You may consider wearing Depends and all diapers on the way to your procedure to avoid an accident with your bowel movements. Okay? This is fine. They include some FAQs here. Thanks. Why does the solution taste so bad? A certain concentration of salts and electrolytes is needed to effectively clear the colon. As a result, unfortunately, these solutions do taste bad.

• 11:16Alie Ward?

  And why so salty? So because this sodium and potassium and magnesium sulfate solution is what's called hyperosmotic. That means it sucks water into your intestines to swell up your guts, and then that causes muscle contractions called peristalsis, which is kind of like pressing the fast-forward button on evacuation. So like, everybody out. But there are other methods, other than this go-lately gallon, though. There's Miralax preparation. There are smaller salty Borgs that are just a half gallon, and then you need to drink an extra liter of water right after. Or you can do salt tablets that you chase with water.

• 11:58Alie Ward?

  But most likely, you're going to get this big jug that I got, and that's what insurance will cover. But talk to your doctor if you want the usually more expensive but less voluminous prep. What they care most about is a clear view of your personal sewer system.

• 12:14Speaker 04

  How do I know if I'm clear for the procedure? So this typically occurs after a significant amount of solid, dark liquid stool has been eliminated, and then liquid stools become progressively clearer, to the point that you can read a newspaper through them.

• 12:28Alie Ward?

  That seems so specific, and also not really a metaphor for the digital generation. And I wondered, like, who came up with that edict? And I accidentally fell down a porta potty hole of info about John de Ardeurn, who was a 14th century surgeon known as the father of proctology, who I think used leeches on hemorrhoids and would sometimes have patients swallow a thread, and then, when the front end surfaced out of their south port, he would pull it back and forth to cut out tumors and fistulas, kind of like dental floss for your innards. But I don't- I think that they had daily newspapers back then,

• 13:12Alie Ward?

  or even camera wands in the 1300s. But it turns out that the modern colonoscopy was birthed from scientists at Tokyo University around 1969. Nice. But as for that guideline that you should be able to read a newspaper through your watery emissions, the closest source that I could find for that was a bunch of articles saying that the proper pasta dough should be thin enough to read a newspaper through. So maybe that oft-used colon prep phrase was just the suggestion of like an Italian proctologist. I'm not sure, but pass the salt and magnesium.

• 13:49Speaker 04

  Your colon is six feet long and has a large collection of mucus, intestinal fluids, solid and liquid waste. A clean exam is the best way to ensure a high-quality procedure. Colorectal cancer is typically the second or third leading cause of cancer mortality in the US. I mean, trust me, no matter what happens or how much I'm on the toilet or how disgusting this stuff is, it's not as bad as having fucking colon cancer, so.

• 14:17Alie Ward?

  So most doctors suggest regular screening to start at age 45. But if you have a family history of colorectal cancer, you may need to get screened as early as your teenage years. And if you have IBS or colitis or celiac or something, you might be in there for totally different reasons. So I figured a lot of people might need to do this. The best advice would come from someone who's already been through it. So I did like the sanest thing that a chill person can do, and I brought a recording device to a bar on a Saturday night to ask strangers about their butts, I think.

• 14:55Speaker 04

  Okay, now that I'm getting ready to park, I'm getting nervous. It's very crowded and everyone looks attractive. So maybe this is a bad idea. Am I a buzzkill?

• 15:08Speaker 04

  I might as well. Who the fuck cares? People love to help.

• 15:13Speaker 05

  How are you? Nice to see you. What are you doing here? Seconds into this, and I run into people I know from my years as a newspaper journalist. They are hip, young, they're wearing cool clothes, such as leather jackets. I did not anticipate this.

• 15:33Speaker 06

  You might see some more familiar faces in there.

• 15:35Speaker 05

  Stop it. How are you? Oh my gosh.

• 15:39Speaker 06

  I just saw you in TikTok the other day.

• 15:41Speaker 05

  Oh no.

• 15:42Speaker 06

  Ally Ward.

• 15:43Speaker 05

  Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm not good on that.

• 15:46Speaker 06

  No, you're actually pretty good at it.

• 15:47Speaker 05

  It's funny, I should see you guys here. I am not here to meet up with anyone. I'm here completely alone.

• 15:54Speaker 06

  I think you're here to meet up with us.

• 15:55Speaker 05

  Here's the deal. Husband's out of town.

• 15:58Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 15:59Speaker 05

  He's at a bachelor party. I have a colonoscopy on Monday. And I'm doing an episode, like a field trip episode. I'm like, as long as I'm gonna go get my butt probed, I'm gonna make...

• 16:11Speaker 07

  I'm gonna produce.

• 16:12Speaker 05

  I'm gonna produce.

• 16:13Speaker 07

  Sure.

• 16:14Speaker 05

  And I was like, I wonder if anyone would give me advice on the colonoscopy.

• 16:19Speaker 08

  I've never had one.

• 16:21Speaker 05

  That's why I know.

• 16:22Speaker 08

  I wish I could tell you.

• 16:24Speaker 05

  You guys have had one, right?

• 16:25Speaker 07

  No, I need to get one. Chad would die at 35. They say 40, but like a lot of people are dying at like 30, 30, 30.

• 16:30Speaker 05

  I know.

• 16:32Speaker 07

  It's coming down. The butt cancer.

• 16:33Speaker 08

  I feel like I should get up there.

• 16:35Speaker 07

  Yeah. You and I are the same shit. I'm with you.

• 16:36Speaker 05

  I don't want to get this thing at all. And then I was like, no one does. So maybe a gift world can be if anyone... I have a question for you.

• 16:45Speaker 07

  TMZ.

• 16:47Speaker 05

  Yes. This is being recorded, but I can strike anything from the record. Have you ever had a colonoscopy?

• 16:53Speaker 08

  I have.

• 16:53Speaker 05

  Do you have any advice for anyone who's getting one?

• 16:56Speaker 08

  Go to Beth Israel.

• 16:58Speaker 05

  Go to Beth Israel? That's your only advice? What if they don't have that health plan? What if...

• 17:03Speaker 08

  You're fucked.

• 17:04Speaker 07

  Have you actually had a colonoscopy?

• 17:05Speaker 08

  I can't be saying it.

• 17:07Speaker 05

  He can't be saying it. Okay, so go to a hospital you trust.

• 17:10Speaker 07

  Right, okay.

• 17:11Speaker 05

  All right, that's what we're gonna glean from this. Have you guys ever had a colonoscopy?

• 17:16Speaker 09

  No, thank God.

• 17:17Speaker 05

  No.

• 17:17Alie Ward?

  Move it along. I ventured inside toward the bar. So defeated, I just got in line and I bought a white wine for courage. And it was a clear liquid.

• 17:30Alie Ward?

  I lurked toward the back patio to ask strangers about their buttholes. But I stumbled into a whole birthday party, like in full swing.

• 17:40Speaker 05

  I don't want to encroach. Oh, wow, happy birthday. That's exciting. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday.

• 17:49Speaker 06

  Did you get anything good?

• 17:51Speaker 05

  Not at all. I got nothing. No one wants to talk to me about their buttholes on a Saturday.

• 17:55Alie Ward?

  Then I met an angel.

• 17:57Speaker 10

  Oh, wait, have you had a colonoscopy before?

• 18:00Speaker 05

  Never.

• 18:00Speaker 10

  Okay, this is your first time. So then I would use the prep that they give you, but I would go to the store. I would go, if you can tolerate it, um, seltzer water? How is that on your gut? Good? Okay, so get Pedialyte.

• 18:13Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 18:14Speaker 10

  They have, you know, tons of flavors. I typically like the berry, you know, the berry chocolate flavors. They are a little bit less sweet.

• 18:23Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 18:24Speaker 10

  But I cut it. I still cut it and I make kind of like a mocktail about it with seltzer water. Just because like I actually have IBS and like a really bad history of gut health. So that just helps cut it. But if you don't have seltzer, just do like regular water with some ice. Cut it, but I would use the prep and the Pedialyte. I wouldn't just do the prep.

• 18:43Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 18:44Speaker 10

  It's just like, it's gross. And I'm not gonna lie, just drinking that for like, I mean, what, like 24 hours?

• 18:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 18:53Speaker 10

  And you'll be going to the restroom a lot, so don't make any plans. You're just gonna have to be, no, but truly, you're gonna be nesting. I wouldn't make, I wouldn't eat a too big, wait, it's Monday, so today...

• 19:03Speaker 05

  Tomorrow's my prep day.

• 19:04Speaker 10

  Tomorrow's your prep day, because I was gonna say you don't want to eat heavily for your last meal.

• 19:09Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 19:09Speaker 10

  Because then that'll make the day before worse, obviously.

• 19:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 19:12Speaker 10

  I mean, a lot of people just use the prep and they're fine.

• 19:15Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 19:15Speaker 10

  But from my experience, I just like Pedialyte better. It had a little bit more taste. Um, and also it kind of like gives you something you switch off on. And then for after the procedure, I would get another extra bottle of Pedialyte and some Gatorade. Just anything with electrolytes. So if that's coconut water or whatever, bone broth, bone broth is great. Um, just like really like nourishing things for the gut, you know?

• 19:39Alie Ward?

  Okay, since your body is gathering up a bunch of your water and just... Forcing it out like a poop hole power washer. You are gonna lose electrolytes, which will make you feel like death and can be potentially bad for you. So replenish during the colonoscopy prep and then after it's all done.

• 19:57Speaker 10

  There's now this Gatorade series that is like in a square bottle that has less sugar and more electrolytes. So if you go the Gatorade route, I would do that. But if you can, Pedialyte is always my, it's always my go to. Thank you for that advice. Of course.

• 20:15Alie Ward?

  Confidence up, I approached a small gaggle of college aged, athletic looking hunks.

• 20:20Speaker 11

  Everyone's been like, there's some girl like asking about colonoscopy.

• 20:23Speaker 12

  Fuck.

• 20:24Speaker 11

  I've not had a colonoscopy.

• 20:26Speaker 05

  No one's had a colonoscopy? You get a camera up your butt.

• 20:28Speaker 04

  One guy's wife had had a colonoscopy. He knew the deal.

• 20:31Speaker 05

  How was the prep? Did she disappear into a toilet for two days?

• 20:36Speaker 11

  Yeah.

• 20:36Speaker 05

  Yes, right?

• 20:37Speaker 11

  Yeah, she had to like drink this fucking weird shit. So they gave you like a, like a prescription of some shit. A shake. And that's all you can drink for two days. I dropped her off and I picked her up and she was like, that was kinda weird. I felt it go into my butthole and then I fell asleep. And it went perfectly.

• 20:55Speaker 05

  I saw this TikTok where this woman was like, asked her nurse, she's like, is today a good day to have butt sex or not? And her nurse is like, it's actually not.

• 21:02Speaker 07

  So in her head, it was just mega poppers?

• 21:04Speaker 05

  I think so.

• 21:07Alie Ward?

  I will say that one of those guys turned out to be an Ologies listener and then we sent a video to his brother. So I may have redeemed myself. Hey, but let's circle back real quick just to butt sex. Sorry, everyone. Turn this down if your mom or my mom is listening, whatever, but public service announcement. So you don't have to have surgical grade colon cleansing to have fun things up your butt. Realistically, penetrating for playtime only happens in the lower end of the colon, the sigmoid portion. And unless you are like actively retaining a turd in there, the rectum should be clear of poop. Because all of that is housed. A bit farther up in the colon, but there exist anal douches. Some of them very sexy looking.

• 21:51Alie Ward?

  They're like a rubber bulb and they also make shower head butt cleaning nozzles. And I looked this up for us and the general proctological protocol is to like put a leg on the toilet or do it in the shower, take lukewarm water, suck it in the bulb, squeeze the air out and then intro that into the bum and squirt the water. But not too much water and not too far or you're gonna hit the storage area. You feel me? So a couple of times, not too much water, not too forcefully. Then to the toilet or I guess the shower you go, let it out, repeat a couple of times until things are solid free. However, you can upset the balance of your poop chute and you can wash out protective slippery stuff in there.

• 22:34Alie Ward?

  And also, things can continue to drip or bubble out for about half an hour. So in researching this for us, I paid a visit to the Reddit forum, Ask Gay Bros. And one person who's a nurse and a bottom said that the best way to douche is not at all. Eat a high fiber diet the day before you're planning on bottoming. And the day of, have a satisfactory BM, then hop in the tub and sit in some warm water, let your muscles loosen up, gently insert either your pointer or middle finger into your butthole, swirl it around and bring it out and clean out your finger. Other folks said, so that's another way. Not enough for a colonoscopy, but if you're thinking about butt sex, advice from an elder. Other folks said that psyllium husk or metamucil and staying hydrated will naturally keep

• 23:19Alie Ward?

  things tidy for your anal adventures. Go slow. If you love it, lube it and be safe. HPV is a sexually transmitted infection that can cause anal cancer. So consider that another good reason to wrap it up. So you don't need medical grade colonoscopy prep for butt fun. And also, the day of your colonoscopy is not a good time for that. But the biggest lesson here is never, ever equate a medical procedure with a sexual identity or with behavior that you think your community would frown on. First off, consenting adults can do whatever they want and it's none of anyone's business. Secondly, these like long-held stigmas against parts of your own body could kill you if

• 24:02Alie Ward?

  you're too shy or ashamed to get a screening. And also, being afraid of your own butthole is a senseless deprivation of free fun. See the urology and sexology episode for more anal stuff and prostate milking. You're welcome. It's your house. You deserve to use the back door any way you like. But yes, in all, I got good advice from one person. I made some new friends. I made others uncomfortable, but hopefully this episode will find them when they need it.

• 24:28Speaker 06

  But I feel like you maybe have kicked me in the ass enough to know that I should probably be.

• 24:34Speaker 05

  Go get, and you know what? When you do, there'll be an episode waiting for you. All the tips and tricks.

• 24:39Alie Ward?

  So armed with advice and maybe too much Googling, I went to Target the next morning. My official prep day before the procedure to stock up on seltzer water and electrolytes, things to flavor my water, like those Mio drops, Dolcalax per the doctor's orders. I got some probiotics. I got some mega rolls of the softest toilet paper and diapers. And I had a full cart and I looked up from my gruesome shopping list to see a man I had dated over 10 years ago. And he was with his beautiful blonde wife and their two perfect children. And we all made eye contact and I offered a quick, hey, man, how's it going?

• 25:19Alie Ward?

  You guys have a great day, Kay? And then I ducked into the soup aisle and I sprinted to the checkout. I went so, like I was on Guy Fieri's Grocery Games.

• 25:29Speaker 08

  Let's take it to the judges.

• 25:31Alie Ward?

  I got home. I unloaded my loot. After the break, we're going to taste test them. But first, a quick word from sponsors of the show who make it possible to donate to a cause each week. And this week, I'm doing something a little different. A close, close friend of mine actually was just diagnosed with colon cancer, early 40s. He has three kids and is getting surgery on April 17th. So the money that we'd send to a charity, I'm just going to send his way to help with whatever he needs to be a little bit more comfortable. So thanks to sponsors of the show. How's your ponytail looking? Maybe like a little thinner than it used to? We've talked about this in our menopause episode. At some point, it's bound to happen to all of us. So if you're ready for thicker, fuller hair,

• 26:14Alie Ward?

  start your free online visit today at forhers.com/ologies for personalized care. So that's F O R H E R S dot com slash ologies. Individual results may vary. Featured products include compounded drug products, which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required. Price varies based on product and subscription plan. See website for full details, restrictions, and important safety information. This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. If you haven't heard me gushing about Squarespace for years, it's an all-in-one website platform. Whether you're trying to grow a business you have or if you're just a baby business getting started, it has everything you need. That's where I secured my domain name. It helped me build a professional site. I can update it so easily.

• 26:57Alie Ward?

  I've been using Squarespace since before ologies existed. After procrastinating for years, I literally built my website in one evening. They have templates. They have flexible editing tools. Squarespace also makes it easy to share your work. You can book clients. You can get paid. They have built-in tools for scheduling and invoicing and email all in one place. Whenever someone I know needs a website, whether they're a scientist that needs to put their work up or someone who's just starting a business, I'm like, dude, Squarespace. So head to squarespace.com/ologies for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code OLOGIES to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. You can do it.

• 27:39Alie Ward?

  Listen, sometimes you get out of your routine. That happened to me recently when I went out of town and I realized I forgot my Ritual Essential for Women 18+ It's a multi that I've been taking for years. And guess who landed in another country without them? Me. Didn't feel right. They contain nine key nutrients, two delayed-release capsules designed for optimal absorption. But Ritual, why do I love them so much? They have a team of scientists. They poured over thousands of studies to figure out what are common gaps that people need in their diet, but they Don't actually consume. It's also designed to be gentle on the stomach. You can take it with or without food, which I love. Plus, I like that it looks like a tiny lava lamp. I tell you that every time, but it has its beads and oil. And it tastes like mint, easy down the hatch. I usually take them in the morning.

• 28:23Alie Ward?

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• 28:46Speaker 01

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• 29:16Speaker 03

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• 29:46Alie Ward?

  OK, let's grab my gallon for a vacation to Toilet Town.

• 29:50Speaker 04

  This is pretty much like a, um, what is the jug? Like a kid's drink. A Borg.

• 29:58Alie Ward?

  Just a quick side. So a Borg. Stands for a blackout rage gallon. And it's something that the youth are doing for their nocturnal social festivities. So you take a gallon of water, you pour some out, and then you add your alcohol of choice, then flavorings, electrolyte or vitamin packs, and you shake it up and then you give it a name, like sourdough starter, you can write it in Sharpie. And I know carrying a blackout rage gallon, having your own borg, it sounds terrifying to people who are like imagining their children in college carrying 128 ounces of blackout rage tonic.

• 30:38Alie Ward?

  But when compared to yesteryear's Rubbermaid trash cans full of mystery jungle juice, a borg can be a really good thing for harm reduction. It can ensure hydration, it sets an upper threshold of alcohol consumption, it's got a sealed lid that's less likely to be spiked or drugged, and people can choose not to add any alcohol and no one will know or judge. So, thanks Gen Z, you're fixing everything.

• 31:07Speaker 04

  Now that I'm thinking of it as a borg, I'm actually excited about it. I feel like I got a lot of the items a person borging might get, like the electrolyte drops. I definitely purchased more diapers than your average tailgater. I gotta name my borg. Lawyer of shits. I'm just so stoked about getting hydrated if this weren't immediately coming out of my anus. Here are some of our options. So I'm gonna do this unflavored and I'm gonna try a couple of different flavorings. You good? This is gonna be so fun, I'm so excited, this is gonna be delicious.

• 31:46Alie Ward?

  I got some little glasses and I lined them up for a taste test, a flight, if you will.

• 31:51Speaker 04

  So I got some Crystal Light, I got some of this Mio stuff, which I've seen people put in their borgs.

• 31:57Speaker 04

  And then this comes with this flavor pack of lemon, which I hear is like, pretty gross. But I'm gonna try a little bit of it in one of the cups. I will say, from my experience of having a few people in my life die of colon cancer, no matter what this tastes like, it's better than getting colon cancer. Because here's the thing. If you get colon cancer, you have to do this even more. You're better off doing it one time, having them sniff off the polyp, and then not having to do this every time your cancer returns.

• 32:31Alie Ward?

  Okay, let's raw dog it first. Just unflavored, straight up. Let's see, let's see what we're dealing with.

• 32:37Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 32:40Speaker 04

  Here it is, plain, okay?

• 32:43Speaker 09

  Bottoms up.

• 32:45Speaker 04

  It tastes like salty plastic.

• 32:47Alie Ward?

  Let's try this Mio flavoring, which comes in a little bottle that you squeeze. And remember, nothing red or purple. I got like a lemon lime flavor.

• 32:58Speaker 04

  Oh, it's too much. I use too much.

• 33:02Speaker 04

  Oh, God. It tastes like a gas station bathroom cleaner. Clearly, my percentages is off, so. I can do this, though. This is, this is not as gross as I thought. The fear was definitely worse than the, than the flavors.

• 33:16Alie Ward?

  Just me and a medically issued gallon jug of salt water that I'm cradling in my arms.

• 33:21Speaker 04

  Thanks for helping me clean my colon. All right. Mmm, I already feel some rumblings.

• 33:30Speaker 04

  I can do this. I've had cocktails that taste a lot worse than this. This tastes like margarita mix, actually. Like, if you have a lot of salt on the rim. It's pretty much just a virgin margarita that will make you absolutely, like, shake your organs out.

• 33:45Alie Ward?

  Okay, let's try it with the pharmacy-issued lemon flavor packet, in which I have no faith.

• 33:53Speaker 04

  Oh, that's not good. Not good, not good.

• 33:57Speaker 04

  I don't like that. That tastes like licking velvet. It's got a viscosity that doesn't please me.

• 34:06Alie Ward?

  Okay, so we tried the plain, we tried the Mio, and the prescription-issued flavor packet. Now, let's try a sample with some Crystal Light Lemonade and see if we can do this.

• 34:18Speaker 04

  That's so far the winner. That's, that's good.

• 34:22Speaker 04

  I can do this.

• 34:25Speaker 04

  I'm gonna put it over more ice. Down the hatch, babes. Down the hatch and out the hole.

• 34:31Alie Ward?

  So after all that fuss, all that complaining, all the whining, all the fear, all the talking to strangers, it was so much easier than I expected. I drank the salty lemonade. I alternated with a few quarts of to-go pho broth from a local Vietnamese place, which was clutch, 10 out of 10. Get some of your favorite to-go broth, definitely worth it. And yeah, yeah, I spent some time on the toilet, all right? But not as much as I thought at all. And I think the low fiber diet in the week preceding and the really light meals on Saturday helped my Sunday prep day. And then I got to pig out afterward. So definitely consider that if you can. So then it was off to the appointment early Monday morning. Here we go. It's showtime.

• 35:18Alie Ward?

  Okay, I'm in the hospital. 7:45 a.m.

• 35:25Alie Ward?

  I'm wearing diapers. Full disclosure, I didn't chance it. And now I'm getting into my hospital gown. I'm in a room with a bunch of screens. I think this is where the magic happens. My gown's very open in the back. Commando underneath it. I could keep my socks on, though, that rules. Oy, oy, oy. This is not an easy way to earn a nap, I gotta say. Better to just take a nap. There are one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight screens in this room.

• 36:04Alie Ward?

  They're gonna see some shit. Hopefully not any real shit. Okay. They're gonna dose me up soon. I really should have left it rolling. And TBH, I was worried that it was illegal. So they pumped just a few little vials into my IV. And like within a minute, I started to go night-night. Right as I was going out, I was like, whoops, there's a chilly, lubed-up tube going right up my bungus. And I was like, oh, I thought you'd wait till I was fully out, but okay. I didn't miss the big moment. But and I kind of, I was out pretty much completely. I kind of roused a few times during being like, oh. It was like just having like a really gentle dream.

• 36:48Alie Ward?

  About curious aliens. Before I knew it, it was all over. It happened in a flash and I was just groggily coming back to life.

• 37:00Speaker 09

  All right, I did it. I'm hooked up to some monitors and machines. I think they gave me Prognol, Propofentanil. I'm not sure, but it was definitely nap time. Couple times in the middle of it, I was like, well, definitely some people up my butt right now. But I'm so hungry and they snipped off a polyp. They said, see you in five years, lady. And now I guess I put on the diaper I came in with and I go get something delicious.

• 37:45Speaker 09

  T L D R, it really wasn't that bad. The drugs help. Crystalite and Fentanyl or whatever they've got me on, those are the real VIPs.

• 37:58Alie Ward?

  So it turns out, according to my post procedure report, I was actually on a combination of Miparidine and Midazolam. And according to the 2020 study, comparison of Fentanyl versus Miparidine in combination with Midazolam for sedative colonoscopy in Korea, Fentanyl will knock you out faster, but has a longer recovery time, like an extra 10 minutes. Also, my post report had pictures of my colon and that was a great souvenir. And it said that my colon prep was excellent. However, here's the news you're waiting for. They did find a polyp up there, a 2mm growth way far into my large intestine.

• 38:40Alie Ward?

  And the beauty of the colonoscopy is that they can snip those little ones out as long as they're in there. So you get a twofer, you get a BOGO there. And they did, and they sent it to pathology and it came back.

• 38:55Alie Ward?

  Pre-cancerous. So your girl did her homework, drank her Borg, had an intestinal exorcism, and then saved her own life by getting that thing plucked like a little lint ball before it turned into a colon poltergeist. So all's well that ends well. In all, it was way easier to prep than I thought. The procedure was fine. I didn't even need the diapers I was wearing. And I got rid of something that could have turned into cancer in a few years. But I do have to go back in five years. Also, when it was over, because you're not allowed to drive for the day, Jarrett picked me back up and we went to a diner and I got a breakfast burrito and I was so hungry. I also got banana pancakes and it was the tastiest meal I can remember.

• 39:38Alie Ward?

  So ask not what your butt can do for you, but what you can do for your butt. Get screened if you need to. Drive a friend to theirs. Eat well. Get your checkups. Treat your bod like the friend that it is. Now, thank you for coming along on this journey with me. It wasn't an easy one to make. It's a little vulnerable, but I hope it helps someone. And honestly, if you have to get a colonoscopy, do not be afraid of it. It's not as bad at all as anyone says. Just throw some lemon Crystal Light in there, chug it down, get a book, you know? Good luck and let me know how it goes. I'll post pictures of my Borg on Instagram, @Ologies. We're also on Twitter at Ologies. I'm on Instagram and Twitter at @AllyWard and on TikTok at @Ally_Ologies.

• 40:24Alie Ward?

  Thank you to Erin Talbert, who admins the Ologies Podcast Facebook group, with assists from Shannon Feltes and Body Dutch. Thank you to Emily White of The Wordery, who makes professional transcripts. Smologies are available. They're short, kid-friendly versions up at allyward.com/smolologies. That is linked in the show notes. Thank you to Mercedes Maitland and C. Rodriguez-Thomas for working on those. Susan Hale handles ologiesmerch.com, which has shirts and hats and bags and totes and all kinds of things. And she does so much more. Noelle Dilworth does our scheduling, including scheduling and rescheduling my colonoscopy.

• 40:56Alie Ward?

  Kelly Ardwire makes our website. Mercedes Maitland usually lead edits, but other medical news, she is COVID-struck this week, so send her your good vibes as well. And stepping in for her and hauling my actual ass to the hospital for this episode, the hunk-tacular Jared Sleeper, who himself got a colonoscopy, not the same day, but previous to mine, and was adorable waking up from fentanyl. Nick Thorburn wrote the music, and if you stick around, I'll tell you a secret. And like, this whole episode was TMI, and I don't think anyone is hungry for MI. But in case you are, this one's from my dad. I remember he finally did have to get a colonoscopy, and he had to take the prep and everything.

• 41:40Alie Ward?

  And I remember him saying, my dad was a very reserved person that didn't talk about this stuff much, clearly, but I remember him saying that, he's like, "Man, I saw a sandwich I ate in 1973, and it made me laugh, and I thought about that, and I hope that that stays with you." And so if you need to get a colonoscopy, you do it for my pop. I miss him every day. You can do this. You got this. We're behind you. Okay, bye-bye.

• 42:36Speaker 13

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• 43:06Speaker 03

  Got way more fun because now you don't have to do it alone. With Tinder's new Double Date feature, you and your bestie can match together. Tap the Double Date icon to see profiles built for two. When two pairs match, the group chat kicks off. Scope the profiles, send memes, keep the chat fun. Hype each other up, flirt a little, maybe plan a hang. It's always better when you're in it together. Try the new Tinder Double Date. Explore all the possibilities. Tinder: It starts with a swipe. Download Tinder today.