Pod Insights Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster Tim Key (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall) About this episode Happy Shall I Be Mother’s Day! Comedian, poet, Bafta-nominee, bath-lover and poppadom-smasher Tim Key returns to the Dream Restaurant for a live Off Menu episode at the Royal Albert Hall.
Tim Key is on tour now with ‘Loganberry’. For dates and tickets go to www.timkey.co.uk http://timkey.co.uk
His book ‘LA Baby’ is out now. Buy it here: https://www.utterandpress.co.uk/products/l-a-baby
Follow Tim on Instagram @timkeypoet https://www.instagram.com/timkeypoet
Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast
Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial.
And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.
Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.
Produced and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/.
Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the Royal Albert Hall.
Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/.
Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design).
Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here https://youtu.be/ug7YEj14yFQ.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcript 12,072 words · 3 speakers
0:13 Speaker 00 Uh-oh, it's the Off Menu podcast, bonus.
0:15 Speaker 01 Bonus!
0:17 Speaker 00 This is one of the bonus live episodes from the Royal Albert Hall, James, on our run at the Royal Albert Hall.
0:23 Speaker 01 Record-breaking run.
0:24 Speaker 00 Record-breaking run at the Royal Albert Hall. The record is most amount of times we've been in the Royal Albert Hall.
0:30 Speaker 01 Yeah, no one can take that away from us.
0:32 Speaker 00 Yes.
0:33 Speaker 01 This is Tim Key, of course.
0:34 Speaker 00 Tim Key, doing a tasting menu. He's been on the pod before, he's back on the pod, receiving the menu of another previous fan favourite guest. This was a fun one, James, as it always is when Tim's in the room.
0:46 Speaker 01 Yes, Tim brings the fun. Everyone knows that about Tim. The key stands for key to the fun house.
0:54 Speaker 00 Key to the fun house, yes, and it's a universal key.
0:59 Speaker 01 Yeah, skeleton key?
1:01 Speaker 00 Skeleton key.
1:02 Speaker 01 We've all got skeletons in us.
1:04 Speaker 00 There's so many good titles he could have if he just, you know.
1:07 Speaker 01 Oh, if he wanted to go down the pun route, he'd never ever run out of stuff.
1:11 Speaker 00 If, but he's too like, oh, he's above that, isn't he?
1:14 Speaker 01 He is.
1:15 Speaker 00 If he just decided he wanted to be for the people, he'd have some really good titles.
1:20 Speaker 01 He'd have quite the career on his hands.
1:21 Speaker 00 Yeah, he could do a show with his family called Bunch of Keys.
1:24 Speaker 01 Oh, Bunch of Keys. They're called Stand in a Circle.
1:27 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:27 Speaker 01 Keyring. Look, some of the stuff that we say in this episode might not make sense because there was a first half as well, so we might be referring back to that at some point.
1:37 Speaker 00 Or it just might not make sense.
1:38 Speaker 01 When we went on and talked to the audience, yes, some of them might not make sense.
1:41 Speaker 00 It's a fun episode though, James, so let's get on with it. This is the Off Menu tasting menu.
1:46 Speaker 01 Of Tim Key.
1:48 Speaker 00 Bunch of Key.
1:58 Speaker 00 Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the roast dinner of conversation, putting it in the blender of humour, hitting the big red button of chat and serving it all up as just normal prison food. If you're just listening to this podcast, you wouldn't have heard the opening half. So that prison food was a reference to a hilarious running joke in the first half about the serial killer Ted Bundy.
2:29 Speaker 01 That's a gamble, my name is James Acaste, huh?
2:31 Speaker 00 You said Ted Bundy at the same time as me, as if he was our guest.
2:35 Speaker 01 Walks out.
2:38 Speaker 00 I'll have whatever's good, whatever's good.
2:40 Speaker 01 He was famously charismatic, so I think he'd be a good guest.
2:43 Speaker 00 He'd be a good guest, yes, yes, yes. I did a bit of research, it was what they normally serve to death row prisoners if they don't request anything. Steak, eggs, hash browns, coffee, orange juice, and then he didn't even eat it anyway.
2:55 Speaker 01 Didn't eat it?
2:55 Speaker 00 He didn't eat it.
2:56 Speaker 01 I guess he probably had everything on his mind.
2:58 Speaker 00 Yeah.
3:00 Speaker 01 Guess I'm about to die. That's a gamble, my name is James Acaste, together we own a drink restaurant, and every single week, we invite a guest and ask them the favourite ever start of main course, dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, it's a tasting menu, and please welcome to the stage, our guest, Tim Key! Hello, Tim.
3:35 Speaker 00 Right there, Tim! It's Tim Key!
3:39 Speaker 01 Tim Key's here.
3:42 Speaker 00 Tim Key! How are we doing, Tim?
3:45 Speaker 02 Not bad, is it? Phone's off?
3:48 Speaker 01 Phone's not in the dressing rooms for us, but yeah.
3:51 Speaker 00 Phone's off, I think.
3:52 Speaker 02 That's on silent.
3:53 Speaker 00 Thank you.
3:55 Speaker 01 Thank you for that.
3:57 Speaker 00 A very respectful podcast, guys.
3:58 Speaker 02 Pardon me?
3:59 Speaker 01 What's the last text that you got?
4:01 Speaker 02 Last text? In we go. It's Tim Vine.
4:11 Speaker 01 Tim Vine?
4:12 Speaker 00 Tim Vine.
4:13 Speaker 01 And the text says?
4:20 Speaker 02 Oh, that's amazing. I'll get it. I'll get on to it now.
4:25 Speaker 00 Want to reveal more, or should we leave it mysterious?
4:30 Speaker 01 Give Tim's text like memento.
4:36 Speaker 02 Actually, he's put another text after that.
4:38 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah.
4:38 Speaker 02 Spoke to jobins, and it probably won't actually be on sale till next week.
4:44 Speaker 00 Well, more of those to come throughout the episode.
4:49 Speaker 01 You're excited about this, Tim? You're getting someone else's menu?
4:53 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's fantastic to, you know, just sort of be at the Albert Hall and discuss Tessa Sanderson's starter.
5:02 Speaker 01 Very exciting. When you came on the podcast originally, you chose chicken shakooti as your main.
5:07 Speaker 02 Yeah, I did, yeah.
5:08 Speaker 01 Which I had introduced you to. And then I saw your film, The Ballad of Wallace Island.
5:15 Speaker 01 And you had a shout-out to chicken shakooti in that?
5:19 Speaker 02 Yeah. Yeah, I referenced your recommendation to me.
5:23 Speaker 01 That was...
5:24 Speaker 02 That must have been a big moment in your year.
5:27 Speaker 01 It was huge. I was so excited.
5:29 Speaker 00 It really was. He was really excited.
5:31 Speaker 01 We got sent an advance screening because we were gonna interview Carey Mulligan for it.
5:36 Speaker 02 Was it advanced?
5:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
5:38 Speaker 02 It was advanced.
5:38 Speaker 01 I was watching it at home on my laptop, and I had to pause it and tell my partner, "Chicken shakooti just got a shout-out. I'm pretty sure that's down to me."
5:44 Speaker 02 She wasn't watching it with you?
5:46 Speaker 01 No, I didn't. No interest.
5:49 Speaker 00 Not a fan. Not a fan.
5:53 Speaker 02 But you brought her in to tell her that your recommendation had got in the movie, yeah.
5:57 Speaker 01 Okay. She went, "That's very nice, dear."
5:59 Speaker 02 Yeah, no, "Thanks for speaking so warmly about the movie."
6:04 Speaker 01 "It's a lovely movie, and we're all very proud of you."
6:06 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah. No, it's an absolute... Well, go down as a classic, I reckon.
6:09 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
6:12 Speaker 02 Difficult to say, you know, because when the eye of the storm... Go on, what are you gonna say?
6:17 Speaker 02 Something about your podcast?
6:21 Speaker 01 Was I about to say something about my podcast?
6:24 Speaker 02 You'd be within your rights.
6:25 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
6:27 Speaker 00 It's gonna... It will come up, Tim, just to let you know.
6:29 Speaker 01 It will come up.
6:30 Speaker 00 Moving forward, once we've started it properly, because we've not started it properly yet, because do you remember James is a genie in this?
6:36 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard him talking on a different podcast about it, as if it was like a great work of character comedy.
6:46 Speaker 02 He's talking about it like he was playing René Artois.
6:50 Speaker 00 What podcast was he doing that on?
6:52 Speaker 02 Comedians Comedian with Stuart Goldsmith.
6:54 Speaker 00 Yeah.
6:55 Speaker 01 Don't talk about being the genie on that.
6:56 Speaker 02 Yeah, you really started dissecting it.
7:00 Speaker 00 That's interesting. I didn't know you'd put so much work into the character of the genie, James.
7:04 Speaker 01 Well, I didn't know that I did that. I'm gonna have to go and listen to this now.
7:06 Speaker 00 Do you remember what sort of things he was saying?
7:08 Speaker 02 I don't remember. We can put it on if you like.
7:12 Speaker 01 Play it for everyone. Really serious about being the genie.
7:15 Speaker 02 Well, what is your view on how you came up with that character? Now, in the cold light of day.
7:20 Speaker 00 And then I'll tell you my view.
7:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, and then I'll do mine.
7:24 Speaker 02 Could fill some questions as well.
7:25 Speaker 01 I guess my view is, we were gonna do a podcast, and I just said to Ed, "I'm gonna be a genie."
7:32 Speaker 00 Yeah. My memory of it was that he just did it on the first episode without asking.
7:36 Speaker 01 Yeah.
7:37 Speaker 00 So then there was no chance of discussing the fact that he was a genie in it.
7:41 Speaker 01 No, my memory is I had asked, and you and Ben had both said no.
7:45 Speaker 00 Yes. So, I mean, cask of a diff, really.
7:49 Speaker 01 Yeah, cask of a diff.
7:51 Speaker 02 My memory is, "I've created the next Del Boy. Well done me."
7:55 Speaker 01 I thought I said it was Stuart Goldsmith's podcast.
7:57 Speaker 00 Well, you do need to get fully into character, James. So this is part... You get to see the process.
8:02 Speaker 02 Oh, he goes over there, doesn't he?
8:03 Speaker 00 Yeah.
8:04 Speaker 02 Oh, does he come out through that bit?
8:05 Speaker 00 He comes out through that bit. But, Tim, do you remember, if you're a fan of... Yeah, sorry. For you guys, that was amazing. James is in the lamp. For you guys, less impressive.
8:17 Speaker 00 What do people have to do to get genies out of lamps? Do you remember that from your childhood?
8:22 Speaker 02 It's the old rub, isn't it?
8:23 Speaker 00 It's the old rub. Would you care to rub?
8:25 Speaker 02 I'll go and have a rub.
8:26 Speaker 00 Please.
8:27 Speaker 01 I'd say this venue's big enough that most of them can see me.
8:35 Speaker 00 Oh, he's gone round the back. This is an unusual method from Tim.
8:38 Speaker 02 Well, sorry, am I rubbing the spout?
8:39 Speaker 00 No, no, no. You can rub the back.
8:40 Speaker 02 No, I'm happy to rub the spout.
8:41 Speaker 00 It's dealer's choice.
8:43 Speaker 02 I might stroke the spout.
8:44 Speaker 00 Oh.
8:52 Speaker 01 Welcome, Tim Key, back to the Dream Restaurant, we're going to spend even some time.
9:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, it doesn't feel exactly like a podcast in the traditional sense.
9:05 Speaker 01 That was pretty good though, don't you think?
9:06 Speaker 02 Pretty good, that was fantastic.
9:07 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:08 Speaker 02 You're like a young Christopher Biggins.
9:09 Speaker 01 Thank you.
9:11 Speaker 02 Not a criticism?
9:12 Speaker 01 No, not a criticism, no, hey, he's one of the greats, I saw him in a lift once.
9:17 Speaker 02 Keep talking.
9:18 Speaker 01 Uh, it was in, I believe, the Wolverhampton Premier Inn.
9:22 Speaker 00 Wow.
9:23 Speaker 01 Uh, breakfast, I just had my breakfast, there was one minute to go before breakfast stopped. I was waiting for the lift to go back up to my room, it opened, Biggins there, just all over the place. Clearly just getting there as late as he could to get breakfast, but clearly it was part of Biggins' normal routine. Didn't get the impression it was the first time he'd done this, it's a standard for Biggins. It's one minute before breakfast finishes, he's down there.
9:46 Speaker 02 When I met Biggins, it was in a small restaurant in Wimbledon, and he was about 20 metres away from me, and I heard him, crystal clear, saying, "Christopher Biggins!"
10:03 Speaker 00 Hang on, I do need to dig down into the story slightly.
10:07 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:08 Speaker 00 Was Biggins, was he arriving at the restaurant and telling them that he had a booking under the name Christopher Biggins, or was he sat down at his table already?
10:14 Speaker 02 It wasn't apropos of nothing, he wasn't just reminding people, he was shaking someone's hand.
10:20 Speaker 00 Fantastic.
10:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, introducing himself, so actually, legit.
10:24 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:25 Speaker 02 It's just the sheer volume, "Christopher Biggins!"
10:29 Speaker 00 Do you go full name when you introduce yourself to people?
10:32 Speaker 02 Um, no.
10:34 Speaker 00 Yeah.
10:35 Speaker 02 It sounds, it sounds like a bit of a sort of a, you know, clang.
10:39 Speaker 00 Name dropping yourself.
10:40 Speaker 02 Yeah, slightly. I'll go Tim.
10:42 Speaker 00 Yeah, lovely, lovely, classic.
10:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, how about you?
10:45 Speaker 00 I think I'd go Ed, I think I'd go Ed, but maybe in the sort of business scenario, I might go Ed Gamble.
10:51 Speaker 02 Well, yeah.
10:51 Speaker 00 Please don't ask me what business scenarios I'm talking about. Because I panicked and said business.
10:56 Speaker 01 What if you met Meryl Streep?
10:57 Speaker 00 Have I met Meryl Streep?
10:58 Speaker 01 What if you met Meryl Streep and she said, "Meryl Streep"?
11:01 Speaker 00 Oh yeah, I'd probably go, "I know."
11:05 Speaker 02 Merrill.
11:07 Speaker 01 I can't imagine her just saying Merrill.
11:10 Speaker 02 How do you introduce yourself? Who are you?
11:14 Speaker 01 Depends if I'm deep in character as the genie or not. If I see Stu Goldsmith, I'll introduce myself as the genie and ask him to refer to me as such throughout the podcast.
11:23 Speaker 00 The genie is, is the genie just called the genie or is the genie called James Acaster? This is something we've never established.
11:28 Speaker 01 Never thought about this. I guess the genie is just called the genie. In Aladdin, the genie doesn't have a name that's like a full name. It's not like later on you learn he's called Ollie Stephens or something.
11:43 Speaker 02 What was the example then?
11:44 Speaker 01 Ollie Stephens.
11:47 Speaker 00 But was the genie?
11:48 Speaker 02 No, I think you're right. He wasn't called Ollie Stephens.
11:51 Speaker 01 That genie in Aladdin is not called Ollie Stephens there anymore.
11:54 Speaker 00 No, by the way.
11:55 Speaker 01 I've met my friend Ollie Stephens. Genie's there.
12:01 Speaker 01 Craig Simons, of course.
12:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:04 Speaker 01 That's a meal, gutting way of finding out most people haven't seen my new stand-up show.
12:14 Speaker 01 Um, Tim, whose menu are you hoping for?
12:16 Speaker 02 Oh, great.
12:18 Speaker 01 But a lot of guests on this pod, a lot of people you admire.
12:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:21 Speaker 02 You've had some absolute classics on over the years, I must say. Um, who would I like to be acquainted with?
12:29 Speaker 01 Yeah.
12:30 Speaker 02 Um, Grace Dent.
12:32 Speaker 01 Grace Dent, food critic, of course, so is that your thinking there? You just want some of the finest food recommended by a food critic?
12:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, that would be quite a good one. I did hear Alex Horn's one and yeah, that wasn't a great menu.
12:43 Speaker 01 Yeah, that was disgusting. We did give that to someone else. I don't even know if that menu's, if that episode's been out yet.
12:49 Speaker 00 No, we have, yeah, we have given Alex's to someone else. Absolutely disgusting.
12:52 Speaker 01 Yeah, they weren't impressed by it.
12:54 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:54 Speaker 02 Okay, well, let me see. What have I got?
12:57 Speaker 01 Today, Tim Key, we're giving you the off-menu menu.
13:00 Speaker 00 Of Nish Chima!
13:05 Speaker 00 Look at that photo. Holy heckens!
13:08 Speaker 01 Where is he there? Mr. Bond?
13:10 Speaker 00 It's, it's gotta be the BAFTAs or something, hasn't it? Jesus Christ, Nish.
13:15 Speaker 02 Didn't see him there.
13:20 Speaker 00 Wowzers. That is, I'd say there's probably one month every five years where Nish has trimmed his beard and had a haircut. And that, that was in that window and fuck me, he's sexy.
13:31 Speaker 01 If you can, uh, uh, just Google when Nish hosted the Mash Report during Covid. The first episode of that is absolutely crazy because he had his...
13:41 Speaker 00 Yes.
13:42 Speaker 01 He had to just do everything himself.
13:44 Speaker 00 Yeah, he tried to trim his, he trimmed his own beard, did it wrong and then had to shave everything off and he looks insane.
13:50 Speaker 01 I'm surprised Ben didn't use that as a photo.
13:52 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah. He went with a lovely photo.
13:54 Speaker 01 This is our guest tomorrow here.
13:56 Speaker 02 Oh, is he, right?
13:57 Speaker 01 So we thought it would be fun.
13:58 Speaker 00 That's a secret, by the way.
13:59 Speaker 02 Mm-hmm.
13:59 Speaker 01 Is it?
14:00 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
14:01 Speaker 02 That gets announced on the day.
14:07 Speaker 02 That goes on the Instagram account, doesn't it?
14:09 Speaker 00 Yeah, so it goes on the Instagram account tomorrow.
14:11 Speaker 02 They'll do that in the morning, James.
14:12 Speaker 00 Yeah. It's because everyone...
14:14 Speaker 01 Too late, it's sold out apparently.
14:16 Speaker 00 Now they know it's going, yeah, but it was going...
14:17 Speaker 02 Well, it's sold out on your terms.
14:18 Speaker 00 Yeah.
14:22 Speaker 02 You'll sell 2,500 and have 20 in, but it feels full with 20.
14:27 Speaker 00 The issue is, if, if any right-wingers have bought tickets, they're not going to come tomorrow. If they know Nish is on.
14:34 Speaker 01 Oh, that's true.
14:34 Speaker 00 All of our right-wingers who come.
14:37 Speaker 01 Oh, no, so I've just like...
14:38 Speaker 02 They'll be in tonight.
14:38 Speaker 01 ...binned out the audience even more.
14:40 Speaker 00 Yeah.
14:42 Speaker 01 Going to play the hardy, anyone? Sorry, scrub it from your minds, Nish isn't here tomorrow. I'm getting bollocked when I come off.
14:50 Speaker 02 You may as well say which menu he's doing.
14:59 Speaker 01 I can't remember.
15:02 Speaker 00 Now, Tim, are you excited to maybe be experiencing Nish Kumar's dream menu?
15:06 Speaker 02 I am extremely excited. He loves his food, doesn't he, Nish?
15:09 Speaker 00 He does love his food. Any lovely memories of Nish that you have?
15:13 Speaker 02 We've had a lot of meals. I, I once had a meal with him at something called the Lord's Taverners. Do you know that place?
15:18 Speaker 00 Oh, God.
15:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
15:20 Speaker 00 Do you want to tell us what happened to him?
15:22 Speaker 02 Well, we had a lovely meal.
15:23 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:24 Speaker 02 Yeah. And then Nish, I think, was on, like, doing a, he was doing, like, some comedy after the meal.
15:28 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:29 Speaker 02 Oh, no, he got booed off and bread rolled.
15:34 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:35 Speaker 02 I didn't start it.
15:38 Speaker 00 I mean, that's not what he claims, to be fair.
15:39 Speaker 01 Yeah. He claims that he walked into the pub after you, well, afterwards, and you said, "I'm sorry, I threw the bread roll."
15:49 Speaker 02 I'm sorry, I nipped out to the corp to get them.
15:54 Speaker 01 We did have a lot of brunches together, me, you and it. We were at the Melbourne Comedy Festival at the same time.
15:59 Speaker 02 Oh yeah, Brunch Club.
16:00 Speaker 01 Yeah, we were called, we didn't call ourselves-
16:02 Speaker 00 That's very sweet. Did you call it Brunch Club?
16:04 Speaker 01 No, we didn't call ourselves Brunch Club. We would meet up, it was like Pascoe and David O'Docatie and people like Kearns and whatever. We'd get up and have brunch together. And we didn't know that there was some more edgy, kind of like more hardcore comedians who started calling us Brunch Club behind our backs.
16:20 Speaker 02 Oh yeah, but we gave as good as we got.
16:23 Speaker 01 Yeah, we called them the Naughty Boys.
16:27 Speaker 00 You win that one. Well done, Brunch- another win for Brunch Club. You fucking nerds.
16:33 Speaker 02 They once came and sat with us at brunch and had three tequilas and then left.
16:38 Speaker 01 That's true.
16:38 Speaker 00 Is that true?
16:39 Speaker 02 So bloody naughty.
16:40 Speaker 01 There was three of them. And here's the real way that you know that we won. At the end of the festival, two out of the three got Naughty Boys tattoos. Permanent. NB.
16:53 Speaker 00 NB. Well, that means something different now, so well done.
16:56 Speaker 01 Does it?
16:56 Speaker 00 But that's the traditional spelling, it's non-binary, isn't it?
17:01 Speaker 01 Oh.
17:01 Speaker 00 So those tattoos now, they've just completely come out. That's amazing.
17:04 Speaker 01 Yeah, they'll, they'll hate that.
17:08 Speaker 02 But they'll have to do it.
17:10 Speaker 01 Yeah, they gotta do it now.
17:12 Speaker 02 Only two of them did it. One of them wasn't actually naughty.
17:15 Speaker 00 One of them wasn't naughty?
17:16 Speaker 02 Well, they didn't get the tattoo.
17:17 Speaker 00 Yeah.
17:18 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, not naughty enough.
17:20 Speaker 00 Someone said, "Who was it?", but I think they're so naughty, they've destroyed their careers and you won't have heard of them.
17:25 Speaker 01 Yeah, that's just, that's just somebody who wants to gossip, who's like, "Who was it?", and then they go straight on social media after this and try and get some shit going. We're not idiots.
17:35 Speaker 01 They're the Naughty Boys. It'd be a fun little game for you. You can look online and photos of comedians who you think are naughty and see if they have NB tattoos. You gotta find two of them, and then you'll know it was them. It's a fun little game.
17:50 Speaker 02 Fun little game. It would be fun if they weren't so naughty.
17:55 Speaker 02 They're really naughty.
17:56 Speaker 01 So naughty.
17:58 Speaker 02 They stayed up one time, I think they were up till one.
18:03 Speaker 02 That wouldn't have worked for us because of the brunch.
18:05 Speaker 00 Yeah. Would you go out and have maybe one drink after your shows and go, "Oh, come on, we must go to bed. We've got brunch tomorrow."
18:12 Speaker 02 I was trying to recruit them.
18:14 Speaker 00 You're trying to get the MBs into the brunch club?
18:16 Speaker 02 Well, I thought if we can get them into our, fold them into our brunch club, that might be good for society.
18:22 Speaker 00 Your brunch club is sounding more and more Christian.
18:26 Speaker 01 That was very good. Tim would lead us in a prayer before brunch. Everyone would hold hands.
18:34 Speaker 01 Now, Tim, you had a large glass bottle of sparkling water with ice and lime and a tap water. Now, you had a water wheel. Remember that?
18:43 Speaker 02 I had a sparkling water wheel.
18:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, in your restaurant.
18:45 Speaker 02 In my restaurant, yeah. Well, the thing is, the great thing about the format is you can just have anything.
18:50 Speaker 00 Yes.
18:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:51 Speaker 00 Within the still or sparkling.
18:53 Speaker 02 Because the genie, you said this to Stuart on, um...
18:58 Speaker 01 When you got here, you said, "I listened to that episode recently." I thought, "That's weird. I did that a long time ago. I wonder why Tim's just listened to it." And now I know exactly why you've just listened to it, is to use it as an ammo.
19:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, they're like, "I listened to a couple of these tasting menu ones and listen, listen back to your own one." And I thought, "No, I listened to three or four of James sort of really getting into the, um, into his craft, talking to different interviewers." "I learnt a lot about you."
19:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
19:29 Speaker 02 Mental health.
19:30 Speaker 01 Yeah.
19:33 Speaker 02 I'm not wrong, am I? Mental health.
19:35 Speaker 00 James has mental health.
19:37 Speaker 01 Yeah, I have mental health. I'm one of the few comics who has it.
19:39 Speaker 00 Do you know, have you heard, I've heard a lot of that chat recently of people saying that someone has mental health.
19:45 Speaker 01 Yes.
19:46 Speaker 00 But they mean it to be like someone's struggling with their mental health. They'll go like, "No, he's got mental health."
19:51 Speaker 01 Yes. It's usually by people who really, really wanted to make it clear that they do not have mental health. Met someone who has mental health the other day, not me, I'm absolutely fine.
20:02 Speaker 02 No, you weren't doing that.
20:03 Speaker 01 No, I wasn't doing that.
20:04 Speaker 02 No.
20:05 Speaker 01 It's probably because I'm being sad, was I?
20:07 Speaker 02 No, no, it was like, when I first got here tonight, I said it was really interesting and I was like, I got a lot out of it.
20:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, but when you said that, I went, hmm.
20:17 Speaker 02 I know you did that, but you can't criticize me for what your reaction is to what I was saying. It was true, I listened to it and I got a lot out of it.
20:24 Speaker 01 Yeah.
20:24 Speaker 02 Because we do the same job and you kind of, you know, it's interesting to see how other people are getting through it, because it's not plain sailing. Well, do you disagree with it? You're laughing, but do you disagree with that?
20:34 Speaker 01 I don't trust you when you're being sincere at all.
20:40 Speaker 01 This is all going somewhere.
20:41 Speaker 02 It's not going anywhere, I'm just, I'm terribly sorry you've got mental health and you're a fantastic listener.
20:51 Speaker 01 Anyway, Nish had Stillwater.
20:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
20:55 Speaker 00 We should say, should we say at the top that this was actually, Nish did a Christmas special? So, this is Nish's Christmas menu.
21:02 Speaker 02 That is quite Christmasy, isn't it? Was it still?
21:06 Speaker 00 You should have guessed from the Stillwater, but this is Nish's Christmas menu.
21:11 Speaker 02 Stillwater? I hate Stillwater.
21:14 Speaker 00 Do you hate Stillwater?
21:15 Speaker 02 No, I don't hate it, that's putting words in my mouth.
21:27 Speaker 02 I just prefer the odd bubble, if possible. Do you not?
21:32 Speaker 00 I mean, not day to day, I wouldn't, I wouldn't like the odd bubble just with my like, first drink of the day, maybe.
21:37 Speaker 02 So, your first drink of the day is that water?
21:40 Speaker 00 Water or coffee, I would say, ideally water.
21:42 Speaker 01 He has two cups of coffee straight away, he can't speak to anyone until he's had two cups.
21:46 Speaker 00 Yeah.
21:46 Speaker 02 I go too early. One in the bath, one with my breakfast.
21:51 Speaker 00 Coffee in the bath?
21:53 Speaker 02 Oh, well, yeah.
21:56 Speaker 01 For a long time, I thought all of Tim's stuff about, because Tim had a whole show about, you know, being in the bath.
22:02 Speaker 02 They'll know that.
22:03 Speaker 01 And...
22:05 Speaker 02 That's what I'm saying, this chap played, I don't know, carry on. Couldn't think of any examples, go on.
22:14 Speaker 00 But I remember around that time.
22:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:18 Speaker 00 Yeah, we'd be doing gigs or whatever. I'd say, "What are you up to today, Tim?", before I'd gig the season. And you'd go, "I'm gonna have five baths and then I'm gonna teleport the venue." And I thought, "That's funny." But you weren't lying. You were having so many baths. And once we were in a hotel and you had run a bath and then forgot about it and it flooded your hotel room.
22:37 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:38 Speaker 00 And instead of immediately calling the reception desk, you thought it was so funny that you filmed your bath over running for a while and had footage of it on your phone while you're laughing like a maniac.
22:49 Speaker 02 No recollection of that at all. But I do think that should be the format of a chat show, is you just telling me anecdotes that might have happened to me.
22:55 Speaker 00 Yeah. Oh, this is James's interview style.
22:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's brilliant.
22:59 Speaker 00 Yeah.
22:59 Speaker 02 I don't remember that. Did I overflow the bath?
23:01 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah. It was another Melbourne story. Tim, I've got a bath anecdote about you. Do you wanna hear it?
23:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'd like to hear another anecdote about me.
23:09 Speaker 00 It came up when me, you, Alex Horn and one of Alex Horn's sons went for one of the Great Curries in Edinburgh.
23:15 Speaker 02 Fantastic, yeah.
23:16 Speaker 00 Lovely meal. And Alex Horn and his son were staying at your flat in Edinburgh. And when they'd arrived, you'd given them the key and they went into the flat. You're living in a big flat in Edinburgh that had two bedrooms and two bathrooms.
23:27 Speaker 02 I don't like any of this stuff.
23:30 Speaker 00 They went in and you weren't in the flat, but both beds had been slept in and both baths were full.
23:42 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's a bit of a Goldilocks, isn't it?
23:48 Speaker 02 You know, there's a lot of restaurants where in the kitchen there's one sink where you wash the stuff up and one where you rinse it.
23:57 Speaker 00 So you're scrubbing in one.
23:59 Speaker 02 Well, you're forgetting about the Japanese. They have a shower then a bath.
24:02 Speaker 00 I never forget about the Japanese.
24:03 Speaker 02 I know you don't.
24:03 Speaker 00 Yeah.
24:04 Speaker 02 No, you're very good with the Japanese.
24:09 Speaker 00 I love the insinuation there.
24:12 Speaker 00 But the baths in Japan, the public baths, the onsen, you do have to really wash yourself down. Did you go in an onsen when you were in Japan, James?
24:19 Speaker 02 No way.
24:20 Speaker 00 Because you've got to go like butt naked.
24:22 Speaker 02 I know. I went to the onsen.
24:23 Speaker 00 Did you? And they make you proper scrub and they've got little stools in front of mirrors where you have to wash yourself. And some of these lads are going to town for 40 minutes scrubbing themselves.
24:32 Speaker 02 Do they have a pummel horse there?
24:37 Speaker 02 Well, of course, in China, we went to a, um, we went to a baths and, um... Well, actually, the, um, the guy who directed our film, he was in there. And, um, yeah, they were cleaning him pretty hard and, uh... Well, anyway, they hose... Well, anyway.
24:59 Speaker 02 Well, anyway, I'll get to the point.
25:02 Speaker 02 A jet of water was fired at his arsehole and it hit me in the face.
25:10 Speaker 02 But he did a great job on the film.
25:13 Speaker 01 That Wallace Island?
25:14 Speaker 02 That's Wallace Island, yeah, yeah. James Griffiths, fantastic director. But shouldn't link him to that anecdote.
25:18 Speaker 01 Yeah.
25:22 Speaker 01 Papadums and a Kingfisher, Tim?
25:24 Speaker 02 Papadums and a Kingfisher, yeah.
25:26 Speaker 01 Nish is chosen, Papadums! So happy days!
25:30 Speaker 02 That's it.
25:31 Speaker 01 And of course, uh, it's become legend on the podcast that you, um, always, when you're in a curry house, like to smash, say, "Shall I be mother?", and smash the Papadums with your hand?
25:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, fiction.
25:45 Speaker 01 That's true. You do that. That's what you do.
25:47 Speaker 02 No, I do now, but that's because I have to, to fit in with my myth.
25:53 Speaker 01 Ah.
25:54 Speaker 02 Yeah, it is R, actually.
25:55 Speaker 01 Yeah.
25:57 Speaker 02 Yeah, you're right. Because when I came on that podcast, again, it's the sort of-
26:02 Speaker 01 This podcast? This one.
26:03 Speaker 02 This podcast, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, in the Albert Hall, yeah, but I come on that podcast and then I'm told I do various things. That was the format. I don't know if you've tweaked it.
26:14 Speaker 01 No, no, all you did, I think we told you two bath anecdotes that you don't remember.
26:18 Speaker 02 But you're telling me that I go and I, I... Do I karate chop them?
26:22 Speaker 01 You say, "Shall I be mother?", and then you hit the Papadums, either flat-palmed or however you want to do it.
26:28 Speaker 02 Yeah, which I've done ever since.
26:29 Speaker 01 Yeah.
26:29 Speaker 02 Yeah, but not before.
26:31 Speaker 01 Who's to say?
26:31 Speaker 02 So I came on and basically what happened was I met you two for an hour and then I left with a new personality.
26:40 Speaker 01 It's done very well for you. You got a film.
26:41 Speaker 02 Yeah, I don't think I got the film entirely out of the Papadum stuff, but-
26:45 Speaker 01 Chicken Chakuti.
26:46 Speaker 02 Well, I did take-
26:47 Speaker 01 Chicken Chakuti.
26:48 Speaker 02 Chicken Chakuti. And I usually do take a stack of Papadums to meetings.
26:51 Speaker 01 Well, good news, Tim.
26:53 Speaker 02 What's under there, by the way?
26:57 Speaker 01 Well, Tim, Benito very proudly walked into our dressing room and said, "It's Shall I Be Mother's Day."
27:07 Speaker 00 And he wants everyone to know that's his joke.
27:11 Speaker 02 I was just about to do it.
27:13 Speaker 00 You were about to do it?
27:14 Speaker 02 That joke, yeah.
27:15 Speaker 00 Were you?
27:15 Speaker 02 Yeah.
27:15 Speaker 00 Sorry, mate. How are you feeling now?
27:17 Speaker 02 Uh, same as before.
27:22 Speaker 02 So am I gonna put the old... I almost put the old heel through just now, but...
27:25 Speaker 00 No, no. Please don't. That shall I be daddy?
27:31 Speaker 02 Okay, so you want me to put the old... put the old palm through?
27:34 Speaker 00 I think so. I think you have to say "shall I be mother" first.
27:36 Speaker 02 Oh, I know what I have to say, because that's my personality you've given me.
27:42 Speaker 02 Well, this is for all you wonderful mothers out there.
27:51 Speaker 01 Fucking hell.
27:54 Speaker 00 Absolutely exceptional. You have reduced the middle of those to absolute dust, Tim.
28:00 Speaker 02 I would argue increased.
28:01 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:02 Speaker 01 Oh, man. Absolutely delicious.
28:04 Speaker 02 They are. They are nice. It's nice food, isn't it?
28:07 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm getting some of them.
28:13 Speaker 00 Look at that. That's a strong palm, Tim Key. I thought we were saving that for the end of the episode, but there we go. It's done now.
28:20 Speaker 01 Oh, is that what we were meant to do? Probably, yeah, yeah.
28:27 Speaker 02 Can your team not sort of piece them back together so we have another crack at them?
28:30 Speaker 01 Bonito! I'm gonna be in so much trouble after this. I've given away tomorrow's guest.
28:35 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:36 Speaker 01 And then I did the Papa Doms too early.
28:38 Speaker 02 Who's tomorrow's guest again?
28:40 Speaker 01 Nish.
28:40 Speaker 02 Nish.
28:43 Speaker 01 Can't help it, Bonito. I've got mental health.
28:49 Speaker 00 And you've got... that's Kingfisher you're drinking, isn't it?
28:51 Speaker 02 This is Kingfisher, yeah.
28:52 Speaker 00 This is your dream right now. How's it feel to be living your dream?
28:56 Speaker 02 Uh, it feels fantastic. Genuinely. I'm very happy here. I did come here once before.
29:02 Speaker 00 Did you?
29:03 Speaker 01 The Albert Hall?
29:03 Speaker 02 Yeah.
29:04 Speaker 01 What were you doing?
29:05 Speaker 02 Watching stuff.
29:08 Speaker 00 What were you watching, Tim?
29:10 Speaker 01 Thank you.
29:14 Speaker 00 I'm gonna make a call on the Papa Doms. Eat them off, Mike.
29:20 Speaker 00 Okay.
29:24 Speaker 02 Good call.
29:30 Speaker 00 Right, Tim threw the crumbs back in that pile, so no one else have any crumbs.
29:35 Speaker 01 No one's going near them. At the end of this, some horny fan is going to rush the stage and stick their face in that.
29:42 Speaker 00 Tim, I don't know how you've managed it, but you brushed some poppadoms off and now they've all collected in your dick.
29:49 Speaker 00 You look like you're waiting for the birds to arrive.
29:53 Speaker 00 You're like a horny version of the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2.
29:57 Speaker 02 Well, AKA, just the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2.
30:04 Speaker 01 Brenda Fricker.
30:05 Speaker 00 Brenda Fricker, yes.
30:07 Speaker 01 Show some respect.
30:08 Speaker 02 Oh, Brenda Fricker?
30:10 Speaker 01 Brenda Fricker.
30:10 Speaker 02 From Casualty?
30:12 Speaker 01 Not from Casualty.
30:14 Speaker 02 I thought it was Gene Boat, was it not?
30:18 Speaker 01 Brenda Fricker.
30:18 Speaker 02 Brenda Fricker.
30:19 Speaker 01 She won an Oscar for My Left Foot. She did a film with Mike Myers, AKA Shrek.
30:26 Speaker 00 Today's episode of the Off Menu podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.
30:33 Speaker 01 Ah, man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan. Do you know what I mean?
30:38 Speaker 00 I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofas, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast, but you know what? We very rarely talk about where we want to eat this dream meal.
30:58 Speaker 01 Sure, yeah, I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the setting, the vibe. And Cozy's modular customizable furniture for the whole home does just that.
31:08 Speaker 00 And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room. And I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful, cozy table. Linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James, you're a mucky pup.
31:30 Speaker 01 I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the Cozy fam?
31:34 Speaker 00 No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs. You telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere. Don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.
31:45 Speaker 01 Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?
31:49 Speaker 00 Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well. And that's where Cozy comes in.
32:05 Speaker 01 And because it's cozy, the furniture isn't just good looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers and free design consultations, if you want help making the whole room work.
32:17 Speaker 00 And it's easy to order, ship and assemble and maintain, James. The only way is the Cozy way.
32:23 Speaker 01 Visit Cozy today, that's C O Z E Y dot com and make yourself at home.
32:31 Speaker 01 You want baked camembert for your starter? Oh, what, baked camembert? Oh, love, love.
32:37 Speaker 00 Please don't have your mouth full when you read out the courses. Sorry.
32:43 Speaker 01 Are you too cool?
32:44 Speaker 00 We're cool, yeah, yeah, we are cool.
32:48 Speaker 01 Lots of wine.
32:48 Speaker 00 Right, let me, I'll take over this bit. There you go, let's.
32:51 Speaker 01 Do you two want to just chill and I'll just read questions to myself?
32:57 Speaker 00 Tim, you wanted baked camembert with fresh baguette.
33:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
33:01 Speaker 00 I don't know, this is going to fly now, times have changed. Israeli French red wine.
33:08 Speaker 00 I was going to skip that bit.
33:12 Speaker 00 I was, I think it's interesting. It's because you brought me a bottle of wine during lockdown, didn't you?
33:20 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, I was like Amelie during lockdown, just constantly sort of, you know, helping people out and.
33:26 Speaker 00 You're on your bicycle most of the time, weren't you? Dropping off wine at people's houses and baguettes and stuff.
33:30 Speaker 02 Because it was a difficult time, wasn't it? Um, hang on a second, yeah.
33:33 Speaker 00 Baked camembert, you had.
33:34 Speaker 02 Yeah, I went to a, yeah, I went to a wine merchant.
33:37 Speaker 00 Yes, you did.
33:38 Speaker 02 And actually got a recommendation and then placed it outside your door.
33:41 Speaker 00 Yes, you did.
33:42 Speaker 02 And was it nice?
33:43 Speaker 00 Uh, it was actually, I seem to remember it was all right. It was certainly better than the other bottle of red wine you bought me, which is Indian red wine that tasted like a burnt tyre.
33:52 Speaker 00 And I tasted that, I tasted that and filmed a video of myself tasting it and put it online, yeah. You like buying me little gifts, don't you, Tim?
33:59 Speaker 02 Yeah, there's no shame in it.
34:01 Speaker 00 There's no shame in it. I think maybe over the course of the last six or seven years, you've sent me four belts.
34:09 Speaker 00 You've never sent me anything.
34:13 Speaker 00 Me and Tim have a little to and fro.
34:15 Speaker 02 I did actually lose a belt once and just messaged you with a belt emoji and got one two days later.
34:19 Speaker 00 Yes.
34:22 Speaker 00 That's nice, yeah.
34:24 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's nice, that sort of thing, don't you think?
34:26 Speaker 00 I think it's lovely, yeah.
34:27 Speaker 02 Are you wearing one of mine at the moment?
34:28 Speaker 00 I was gonna put it on this morning and then I realised I had to do another show this afternoon.
34:32 Speaker 02 So, perfect, use the belt twice. What's the issue with my belt?
34:36 Speaker 00 Well, it's a white belt with...
34:40 Speaker 02 Right, like most decent belts.
34:42 Speaker 00 Yeah. It says Ed across it in sort of...
34:46 Speaker 02 Right, which last time I checked is your name.
34:49 Speaker 00 And it's a dolphin belt buckle.
34:52 Speaker 02 Not a problem.
34:54 Speaker 02 I see that as four green tick emojis, but...
35:00 Speaker 02 So what belt have you got on then? What's this wonderful belt you're wearing?
35:04 Speaker 00 Just that one.
35:05 Speaker 02 Just that one, is it?
35:05 Speaker 00 It says eat dust.
35:07 Speaker 02 It says what?
35:07 Speaker 00 Eat dust. We are doing that, to be fair.
35:13 Speaker 00 If you wore that belt, it would look seriously threatening right now, Tim.
35:19 Speaker 02 So it doesn't say eat dust off your dick then?
35:22 Speaker 00 No.
35:23 Speaker 02 It's implied with your dick knocking around.
35:27 Speaker 02 Are you ready to take over the menu again, genie?
35:29 Speaker 00 You don't like doing it, do you?
35:30 Speaker 02 No, I can do it. You wanted the baked camembert...
35:33 Speaker 00 Sort your fucking format out.
35:38 Speaker 02 But you will not be having the baked camembert because you're having the menu of Nish Kumar. And Nish Kumar wanted lamb kebab from the Owl and the Pussycat in Leicester.
35:47 Speaker 00 What's the Owl and the Pussycat?
35:48 Speaker 02 It's a pub in Leicester that out the back had a little shack that did kebabs that Nish and his family used to go to, and that's what he wants for his Christmas starter. Can you put it back up there, please, Benito? I do like to see what I'm discussing. Not always.
36:05 Speaker 00 But Benito doesn't want to do it because he wants people to be able to see us on the screen, but...
36:10 Speaker 02 Well, hang on a minute. What is the hierarchy here?
36:14 Speaker 00 I'm behind you, you, whatever you want, he should do it.
36:18 Speaker 02 I've just told you what I want.
36:19 Speaker 00 Yep.
36:22 Speaker 00 This is...
36:24 Speaker 02 When the bit of menu comes up that we're discussing, let me get a head of steam before you take it down. Right? That's what I want.
36:37 Speaker 00 When's this head of steam coming, Tim?
36:48 Speaker 02 Well, I think that's fantastic. I love that sort of thing. A lamb kebab is fantastic. I've had, well, I suppose it's a case of guessing, how many kebabs have I had in the last three days?
36:59 Speaker 00 Um, three. Four.
37:02 Speaker 02 Four is enormous.
37:05 Speaker 00 Well, there was only two ways I could go.
37:07 Speaker 02 Uh, now let me think. God, now you're asking. Uh...
37:12 Speaker 00 No.
37:13 Speaker 02 Definitely not asking, Tim.
37:14 Speaker 00 Actually not. You did.
37:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, you asked that. It's one.
37:20 Speaker 00 One.
37:22 Speaker 00 So three days ago, you had a kebab?
37:24 Speaker 02 Might have been four. Thursday, I think.
37:26 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
37:28 Speaker 00 So looking back on it, do you think that was a good question you asked there?
37:31 Speaker 02 Well, let's go through your questions then, shall we?
37:38 Speaker 02 No, I had one on Thursday and...
37:40 Speaker 00 Where from?
37:41 Speaker 02 Um, from, I think it's called Kebab House.
37:44 Speaker 00 Oh, it sounds lovely.
37:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
37:47 Speaker 00 What's your go-to kebab?
37:48 Speaker 02 Mixed, on chips. So, no kebab to be seen, per se.
37:55 Speaker 00 It's meat on the chips.
37:57 Speaker 02 Meat on the chips, salad.
37:59 Speaker 00 Lamb and chicken?
38:00 Speaker 02 Uh, what do you think I'm fucking mixing?
38:05 Speaker 00 I don't know.
38:05 Speaker 02 Swordfish and chickpeas?
38:09 Speaker 02 Are you serious?
38:12 Speaker 02 Put some more popadons in your mouth.
38:13 Speaker 00 Yeah. That was a pretty stupid question, man.
38:16 Speaker 02 What's he talking about, anyway?
38:17 Speaker 00 I don't know, man, I'm sorry.
38:18 Speaker 02 Well, the last two kebabs I've had, both times they've doubled it to a large kebab when I've said small, and last time I got a pizza, which was on Friday, they gave me two pizzas instead of one.
38:27 Speaker 00 Right.
38:28 Speaker 02 I don't know what they're looking at when I go into that shop.
38:32 Speaker 00 Was it the same pizza twice?
38:38 Speaker 00 Is it from, was the pizza from Kebab House as well, Tim?
38:41 Speaker 02 No, the pizza isn't from Kebab House. What do you think I am?
38:45 Speaker 00 I don't know, you're already going to Kebab House.
38:47 Speaker 02 It's from the little pizza place next door.
38:48 Speaker 00 Pizza House?
38:49 Speaker 01 Where does that attitude come in from?
38:50 Speaker 02 I don't know where the attitude is coming from, truth be told. I think it's ever since the, um, there was a turning point when I hit the pizza. Not the pizza, you get the idea. Nature's pizza, the ultimate pizza.
39:03 Speaker 00 Have you ever shall I be mother to pizza? That might be interesting.
39:05 Speaker 02 Have I ever shall I be mother to pizza? You asking Jess Phillips that?
39:12 Speaker 00 No, James.
39:13 Speaker 01 I saw him do it. I saw him shall I be mother to pizza.
39:15 Speaker 02 I've never shall I be mother to pizza.
39:17 Speaker 00 Yeah, actually, you do do that.
39:18 Speaker 02 Why am I on some radio show somewhere where everyone's asking me whether I've shall I be mother to pizza?
39:24 Speaker 00 You do, you do do that.
39:25 Speaker 01 You do do that. Every time people have a pizza.
39:27 Speaker 02 If you two cut that sort of stuff out of your game, you could get your win coming on.
39:30 Speaker 00 And when you hit the pizza, you say shall I be mama?
39:33 Speaker 01 Yeah.
39:33 Speaker 02 I've nev-, I've literally, I've not, I've not shall I, I've not shall I be mother to pizza.
39:38 Speaker 00 Yeah, and then you say me and mama that pizza.
39:40 Speaker 01 Yep. That's what you say.
39:43 Speaker 02 What I would concede is I have shall I be, shall I be mother to pie?
39:46 Speaker 00 Yeah.
39:48 Speaker 01 You have?
39:49 Speaker 02 Yes. And it was with like a mixture of like friends and some adults and it didn't go down very well.
39:55 Speaker 00 No.
39:56 Speaker 02 It was one of those classic friends and adults situation where you can't please everyone.
40:01 Speaker 00 I like that you make a distinction between friends and adults.
40:04 Speaker 02 That's a shame, isn't it?
40:05 Speaker 00 Yeah.
40:07 Speaker 00 But I know what you mean.
40:07 Speaker 02 Well, yeah, you'll know what I mean when I say some gravy went on Alex Horner's dad's neck.
40:16 Speaker 00 I know.
40:18 Speaker 01 Your side dish, oh no, main course.
40:21 Speaker 02 That's my main course next?
40:22 Speaker 01 Your main course was a chicken.
40:22 Speaker 02 Well, first of all, full marks to that starter from Nish.
40:25 Speaker 01 You loved it.
40:25 Speaker 02 Yeah, lovely.
40:26 Speaker 01 Chicken jacuzzi for your main, of course.
40:28 Speaker 02 Chicken jacuzzi for the main course, has to be.
40:29 Speaker 01 But Nish, this is what you're getting is Christmas goose with coke soaked ham. Oh.
40:37 Speaker 00 Oh.
40:37 Speaker 01 Little bit of a different reaction. Now, should say that for Nish, it was the first Christmas menu.
40:42 Speaker 02 I'm just taking it in.
40:44 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah. I can't believe you walked into that, James.
40:48 Speaker 02 All right, take it down, Benito.
40:51 Speaker 01 It was the first Christmas menu we did, and normally now, we get people on for the Christmas specials, and they do their actual dream menu and a little bonus Christmas course, whereas Nish, it's the first one we ever did.
41:02 Speaker 02 Yeah.
41:03 Speaker 01 And we just went, your main has to be a Christmas one.
41:05 Speaker 00 Entire Christmas menu.
41:06 Speaker 02 I really don't think there's any shame in that at all, I don't know why you're beating yourself up about that. It's a Christmas episode, and you're a food show, and you've gone for Christmas food for his menu.
41:15 Speaker 01 Yeah.
41:15 Speaker 02 Yeah, so don't be down on yourselves.
41:18 Speaker 00 I don't think we were being down on ourselves, Tim.
41:20 Speaker 02 Well, you weren't being up on yourselves, Ed.
41:23 Speaker 02 Do you want me to do two anecdotes about that dish, or not?
41:30 Speaker 01 More than anything, I would love it.
41:32 Speaker 02 Well, I cooked goose for my parents when they came for Christmas dinner.
41:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
41:38 Speaker 02 Yeah. Um, well, anyway, long story short, that caught fire.
41:44 Speaker 02 Um, and then, what I would say is, the, the, um, the ham in Coke.
41:50 Speaker 01 Yeah.
41:50 Speaker 02 I've never had it.
41:51 Speaker 01 Sounds interesting, though, doesn't it? Sounds good.
41:53 Speaker 00 Are those your two anecdotes about those things, by the way? Because one of them, I would say, if you're on a podcast, never use the phrase, "long story short", and then the second anecdote was, "you've never had it", were those the two things?
42:04 Speaker 02 Sorry, did I say I finished the second anecdote?
42:08 Speaker 02 Well, the point being, I'm on, um, I'm, we made the film, and there's a scene where, um, if you've seen this film.
42:16 Speaker 01 By the, by the side.
42:17 Speaker 02 Ballad of, Ballad of, yeah, yeah.
42:19 Speaker 01 We're not talking about Mickey 17.
42:21 Speaker 02 No.
42:22 Speaker 01 Because you were in that as a pigeon.
42:23 Speaker 00 You were in that.
42:23 Speaker 02 I was in that, yeah, not as a pigeon.
42:25 Speaker 01 You were just as a pigeon.
42:25 Speaker 02 I was dressed as a pigeon.
42:26 Speaker 01 For the whole thing.
42:27 Speaker 02 What, did they hoodwink you and you thought I was a pigeon?
42:31 Speaker 01 You're a very good actor.
42:32 Speaker 00 Very deep in character work, it was.
42:34 Speaker 01 Very good actor, I thought you were a pigeon.
42:35 Speaker 00 James picked up some tips for the genie.
42:37 Speaker 02 Um, well, anyway, it's not an anecdote, I don't think, well, I've lost faith in it, anyway, that's the, that's the point I'd like to make. But, um, yeah, we, we cooked a ham in Coke in that film, and then that scene was cut. So, I don't know, you tell me, it's, it's fingers on buzzers, really, is that an anecdote? It's not far off, I said some stuff.
42:56 Speaker 00 What happened in the scene?
42:57 Speaker 02 Um, convivial, it's like a moment where everyone's having a great time apart from, um, Law, uh, Tom Basdon's character.
43:04 Speaker 00 Yeah.
43:05 Speaker 02 Who's having a miserable time because he's in a bit of a pickle. And I think it's a good scene, but you know, sometimes, you know, if you make a film, that you've got to be, have your eyes on the bigger picture.
43:15 Speaker 00 Yes.
43:15 Speaker 02 Which is, uh, you know, get to certain places at the right time. And it slowed us down, but it was a very fun scene. Do you think that'll make the final episode?
43:25 Speaker 01 Imagine if that anecdote gets cut from this episode.
43:31 Speaker 01 Then you've just got to maybe accept that coke and ham is not your forte.
43:37 Speaker 02 I do accept that.
43:38 Speaker 01 It's never gonna work for you.
43:40 Speaker 02 I really accept it, of course. Have you had goose?
43:43 Speaker 00 I have had goose. I've had goose, uh, once, but, um, my dad had cooked goose for his Christmas Day, and I didn't spend Christmas Day with him. And I went over to his in the morning and my breakfast was picking cold goose off a tar, off the carcass, so. So, yeah, I have had goose, actually.
43:58 Speaker 02 You were picking cold goose off the carcass?
44:00 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
44:00 Speaker 02 On Christmas Day?
44:01 Speaker 00 No, Boxing Day.
44:02 Speaker 02 Boxing Day.
44:04 Speaker 00 Again, not really an anecdote.
44:06 Speaker 02 When it is quiet, it does feel very quiet, this room, isn't it?
44:09 Speaker 00 Yeah. Well, it's because it's designed for, you know, classical music and opera and all that sort of stuff, so, you know, the silences are pin drop.
44:18 Speaker 01 Yeah, we've learned that the hard way, but it's like the third day now, we've got pretty used to it. I'd say we're too comfortable in this room.
44:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
44:29 Speaker 01 Your dad had a feud with a goose?
44:31 Speaker 02 My dad, what?
44:32 Speaker 01 I've just remembered, it's a swan.
44:34 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah. I saw my dad today.
44:38 Speaker 01 Bill Keat.
44:39 Speaker 02 Yeah.
44:39 Speaker 00 What's a Tim Key Christmas like? What are you eating on Christmas?
44:43 Speaker 02 Uh, turkey.
44:45 Speaker 00 Lovely.
44:45 Speaker 02 Yeah. I mean, what did you expect from that question?
44:49 Speaker 00 Well, I don't know, do you have any, like, traditions? Did you eat something specific in the morning? Who are you spending it with? Are you cooking?
44:54 Speaker 02 Well, last Christmas I spent with maybe, um, thirty-five people.
44:59 Speaker 00 Wow.
45:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
45:00 Speaker 00 Huh?
45:01 Speaker 02 Huh? Is that your question?
45:05 Speaker 01 The next question is why?
45:07 Speaker 02 Why? It's my brother's side's extended family, which goes far and wide. And it's the first time I'd spent Christmas with them, and it was absolutely fantastic. Loved it.
45:21 Speaker 01 What was special about it?
45:22 Speaker 02 Um, well, I mean, like, the warmth.
45:27 Speaker 01 Like, literally?
45:30 Speaker 01 It was just warmer because there was 35 of you in the house?
45:34 Speaker 02 It's very multi-generational, and just a lot of love in their family. Honestly, I felt very humbled to be in that side of the family.
45:44 Speaker 02 Listen to that. Just listen to your audience sometimes.
45:47 Speaker 01 I can't imagine you there on Christmas Day, just earnestly feeling...
45:53 Speaker 02 It wasn't earnest, it was like a proper laugh. There's one bit where everyone had a bell, and you had to, like, play the bells at a certain time.
46:00 Speaker 02 But what's so good about your Christmas then?
46:05 Speaker 02 Park run? We did a park run?
46:07 Speaker 01 What? 35 of you?
46:09 Speaker 02 No, about eight of us did a park run, and also it was flooded, so that anecdote doesn't really take off either.
46:15 Speaker 01 Why were people ringing bells?
46:17 Speaker 02 Um, family tradition. I mean, you can't have it both ways. You can't ask me about these traditions, and then I give you one, and you say, "What's that about?"
46:25 Speaker 01 I think you can. It's called continuing the conversation.
46:29 Speaker 02 Please, for God's sake, don't describe to me what a conversation is. Everyone has a bell, and then you ring it at the same, you know, not at the same time, but you ring it when you're one, when it comes up. It's like karaoke, so you see these little balls come up, and when your red ball comes up, and you've got a red bell, you go like that, and you create a song, and, you know, it's sort of, some of them are like sort of old-school sort of carols and things, and then sometimes there's something a bit more jazzy, like pop music.
46:54 Speaker 01 That sounds lovely.
46:55 Speaker 02 It's not bad, yeah.
46:56 Speaker 01 Okay. So is it, that's a game you can buy in the shop, is it?
47:03 Speaker 01 Or they've made the video?
47:06 Speaker 01 They've bought that game, and it's a game they like to play, or they've made the video themselves as a family tradition.
47:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
47:15 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:16 Speaker 02 Yeah. That's a game you can buy in the shop.
47:20 Speaker 02 What, what, are you thinking of buying it? What, do you, do you wanna put a link to it?
47:27 Speaker 01 Sounds like a decent game.
47:28 Speaker 02 You'd love it.
47:29 Speaker 01 I'd love that game.
47:29 Speaker 02 Where did you spend your last Christmas? How many people were there?
47:32 Speaker 00 Well, okay, so it's.
47:33 Speaker 02 I'm not talking to you, Ed!
47:37 Speaker 00 Do, do imagine this, the bell game being played at James's last Christmas. Let's hear it, James.
47:42 Speaker 01 Me and my girlfriend and four cats.
47:46 Speaker 02 Do the cats have hands?
47:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, the cats have got paws, like a thinking bell.
47:50 Speaker 02 I think you could do something with, um, duct tape, couldn't you?
47:53 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:55 Speaker 01 One of them's got no hair, so it wouldn't even hurt him.
47:59 Speaker 02 One of the cats, yeah?
48:00 Speaker 01 Yeah, one of the cats, yeah, yeah.
48:04 Speaker 02 So, my dad was, um, he's, he's a great river man.
48:09 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:10 Speaker 02 Yeah. So, um, and he's like, he rows and stuff. So he's like the, um, the president of the, the rowing association in his town.
48:18 Speaker 00 Nice.
48:20 Speaker 02 Yeah, and then there's a.
48:22 Speaker 00 Just keeping it bobbing along, Tim, don't worry about me.
48:25 Speaker 02 There's a swan. There's a swan on the river. And the swan is being antisocial.
48:34 Speaker 02 It doesn't, it doesn't know that, but it's, it's slightly being, it's, well, you tell me, it's attacking the rowers, or, in other news, defending its nest.
48:49 Speaker 02 So then, it gets into the local paper, and then.
48:54 Speaker 01 Gets a nickname?
48:55 Speaker 02 The, the swan gets a nickname, yeah. Yeah, the swan is called Asbo.
49:00 Speaker 01 Classic.
49:01 Speaker 02 Yep. And then, there's a, my dad gets invited to go on the Jeremy Vine radio show on Radio Two. To, you know how they get sometimes two people with different viewpoints to discuss something?
49:14 Speaker 00 Oh no.
49:15 Speaker 02 So, uh, in the, in the blue corner, Bill Key. In the red corner, a environmentalist well within his rights.
49:27 Speaker 02 I'm in Melbourne at the time, at the comedy festival. I'm hanging out with Tim Vine and we finish down the pub, go back to the hotel, get a couple of beers and listen to his brother
49:43 Speaker 02 basically handing my dad his arsehole.
49:53 Speaker 02 Night, night, Tim. Night, Tim.
49:59 Speaker 01 For your side dish.
50:01 Speaker 02 My what, my what, my what, sorry?
50:02 Speaker 01 Your side dish, a Rome artichoke.
50:04 Speaker 02 Well, don't shout. I've not got corn cobs in my ears. What did you say?
50:07 Speaker 01 The artichoke you had in Rome.
50:09 Speaker 02 The artichokes I had in Rome, yeah.
50:10 Speaker 01 Remember those? You liked those.
50:12 Speaker 02 Yeah.
50:13 Speaker 01 You wanted a birmeveretti and an Italian cigarette with that.
50:15 Speaker 02 Yeah, it was a different era. I don't smoke anymore.
50:18 Speaker 01 No?
50:19 Speaker 02 No.
50:22 Speaker 01 Fucking hell. How much they had to cut out of Norton?
50:27 Speaker 02 What?
50:27 Speaker 01 How much was edited out of that Graham Norton interview you did?
50:30 Speaker 00 Tim was on best behaviour on Graham Norton.
50:32 Speaker 02 I was on best behaviour. I was being, to be fair, if you brought Kerry Mulligan in with me, I'd have been much more composed.
50:40 Speaker 01 They should have roast potatoes.
50:42 Speaker 02 Oh!
50:43 Speaker 01 Yeah.
50:45 Speaker 02 What a great format. That's in my top three potatoes, I would say.
50:50 Speaker 01 That's staying up until you ask for it down.
50:52 Speaker 02 Roast potatoes and then mashed potatoes has to be in there at number one.
50:56 Speaker 00 At number one for mashed?
50:58 Speaker 02 Number one is mashed potatoes.
50:59 Speaker 00 Okay.
50:59 Speaker 02 Number two is roast potatoes.
51:01 Speaker 00 Yeah.
51:01 Speaker 02 And number three?
51:05 Speaker 02 Why not? The dear old potato salad. Give it some airtime.
51:08 Speaker 01 Wow. Lot of controversy here in the Albert Hall. One person-
51:12 Speaker 02 Why do you think I said it?
51:15 Speaker 01 For the clown.
51:16 Speaker 02 I caught controversy. Yeah, potato salad. What, you've got a problem with that?
51:21 Speaker 00 I wouldn't put mashed potatoes-
51:22 Speaker 02 What's the one where you slice the potatoes and then there's cream and cheese and things?
51:25 Speaker 00 Potato dauphinois.
51:26 Speaker 02 I'll take that.
51:27 Speaker 00 Yeah, I think that's a good choice. That's in my top three.
51:30 Speaker 02 What?
51:30 Speaker 01 Is that number three?
51:31 Speaker 02 What?
51:33 Speaker 01 Is potato dauphinois number three?
51:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
51:37 Speaker 01 Ben's took the slide down without you telling him he was allowed to.
51:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, roast potatoes, number two. Mashed potatoes, number one. And then potato dauphinois, number three.
51:53 Speaker 00 I think you'd enjoy, have you ever had a potato boulanger, Tim?
51:56 Speaker 02 Do I look like I've had one?
51:58 Speaker 00 Thinly sliced potatoes à la dauphinois.
52:01 Speaker 02 Oh.
52:01 Speaker 00 But with onion and then stock. So it all cooks together and it's like oniony, stocky potato.
52:07 Speaker 02 Come on. That sounds delicious.
52:09 Speaker 00 Yeah, you'd like that, I think.
52:10 Speaker 02 Yeah, what's it called again?
52:10 Speaker 00 Potato boulanger, baker's potatoes, because when they were first invented, it would be the bakeries would heat the ovens up to do the bread. And then when they turned the ovens off, it took a long time for the ovens to cool down. So people from all around the village would bring their potatoes and put them in the oven to cook in the slowly cooling ovens.
52:28 Speaker 02 Fantastic.
52:28 Speaker 00 Thank you.
52:29 Speaker 02 My favourite phrase in there was "all around the village".
52:36 Speaker 02 But it was all pretty strong.
52:37 Speaker 00 Thank you.
52:37 Speaker 02 It does sound like a delicious dish. What would you have that with?
52:40 Speaker 00 Lamb?
52:41 Speaker 02 And?
52:43 Speaker 00 Chicken.
52:44 Speaker 02 Together at last, chicken. Together at last.
52:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
52:50 Speaker 02 That's right, that's why I had my mix donner on.
52:53 Speaker 00 Potato boulanger?
52:54 Speaker 02 Yeah, I couldn't remember how to say it, but yeah, potato boulanger.
52:58 Speaker 00 Hello.
52:58 Speaker 02 Hello, how are you?
53:01 Speaker 00 I liked all the way through Tim saying his top three potatoes before he'd done number three. But throughout the whole thing, someone on the front row, I don't know who it was, I wasn't looking, kept going, hash browns.
53:12 Speaker 02 Hash browns.
53:14 Speaker 00 Hash browns?
53:15 Speaker 02 Hash browns.
53:16 Speaker 00 Hash browns?
53:18 Speaker 02 I'm on tour at the moment. How many hash browns do you think I've had in the last three days?
53:21 Speaker 00 Okay. I mean, if I know you, you're having a fry-up every morning. You're having two to three hash browns a morning. So I'm just gonna, I'm gonna say seven.
53:35 Speaker 02 Zero. Someone's not been reading my tour rules.
53:42 Speaker 02 I don't have cooked breakfasts on my tour.
53:45 Speaker 00 You're having a coffee in the bath. I'd imagine that's keeping you going for a bit.
53:49 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'm trying to read Pride and Prejudice.
53:52 Speaker 00 In the bath?
53:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
53:53 Speaker 00 How's that going?
53:54 Speaker 02 Not great. It's a bit boring, sorry.
53:58 Speaker 01 I wonder if one day someone would write a book about the Royal Albert Hall and all the shows that have been on here. And at some point they'll say, "The lowest moment was when a guest said to another host, 'Guess how many hash browns I've had in the last three days.' They said, 'Seven,' and they went, 'None.'"
54:23 Speaker 02 Well, we'd have to have a look at who else has performed here. Yesterday I had a slice of toast, a poached egg, where, when he got the poached egg out, because it was one of those stations where he's like, you know, it's like a bit of a "well done us" station. And he's pulling out this poached egg and he cuts the, he cuts the poached egg to get rid of the tail.
54:48 Speaker 01 Yeah.
54:49 Speaker 02 "What exactly do you want from me?"
54:52 Speaker 00 This is great. I loved hearing about the tail on a poached egg. I've never heard it described like that before.
54:56 Speaker 02 That is like a white on message. That's talking about food.
54:58 Speaker 00 Yeah. But then, so why have you stopped halfway through and said, "What do you want from me?" We're enjoying it. We're fucking listening to you. Cut the tail off the poached egg. I smiled. I was like, "That's a lovely way of doing it. Very poetic from Tim Key."
55:10 Speaker 02 I've never seen the smile before. I wasn't sure what it was.
55:13 Speaker 00 I was enjoying it and then you panicked.
55:15 Speaker 02 He cuts the tail off the poached egg.
55:16 Speaker 00 We're straight back in. Let's go.
55:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, and then I have that with, well, I get some butter and I put that on the toast whilst I'm getting the rest of the stuff so that can melt within its parcel.
55:26 Speaker 00 Lovely.
55:27 Speaker 02 Then I get one sausage.
55:29 Speaker 00 Yep.
55:30 Speaker 02 And then I get one spoonful of baked beans, but there was, it was not thick enough. The baked bean sauce wasn't thick enough because I think everyone had been doing the same as me, just trying to like skim off the beans.
55:40 Speaker 00 Right, okay.
55:40 Speaker 02 And not take the juice.
55:41 Speaker 00 Yeah.
55:42 Speaker 02 And this was about 9:45.
55:44 Speaker 00 So you're eating at Biggins time here.
55:46 Speaker 02 I'm what?
55:47 Speaker 00 You're eating at Biggins time.
55:52 Speaker 02 I don't know why you're shouting at me.
55:54 Speaker 00 It's like visiting our grandad in the old folks' home and we don't know from one question to the next who's going to respond to us. This is exactly like...
56:03 Speaker 01 "What do you want from me?"
56:06 Speaker 00 Who's been scumming the beans off the top?
56:09 Speaker 02 Small bowl of grapefruit segments and two orange juices.
56:13 Speaker 00 Is this what you're having every morning on tour, Tim?
56:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
56:17 Speaker 00 Alright, well I've got news for you. That's a fucking cooked breakfast, mate.
56:22 Speaker 02 That's not a cooked breakfast.
56:24 Speaker 00 That's not a cooked breakfast? You're having egg, beans, toast and sausage, you maniac.
56:30 Speaker 02 Point to the mushrooms, point to the fried egg.
56:32 Speaker 00 It doesn't matter that those things are not on there, it's still a cooked breakfast.
56:35 Speaker 02 Point to the bacon.
56:37 Speaker 00 I don't need to point to the bacon, it's a cooked breakfast. It's breakfast food that's been cooked.
56:41 Speaker 02 You're not pointing to the bacon, because you can't point to the bacon.
56:44 Speaker 00 I don't need to point.
56:44 Speaker 02 Because there's none on my plate. And you conveniently forget the six grapefruit segments, you wally.
56:52 Speaker 02 Excuse my French.
56:59 Speaker 01 So you had a different drink with every course, Tim, when you did it?
57:02 Speaker 02 Yeah.
57:03 Speaker 01 He's just did his dream drink, which was? Malbec!
57:07 Speaker 02 Wine.
57:08 Speaker 01 Yeah.
57:11 Speaker 01 Yeah, the wine, sorry.
57:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, wine, wine. My mum had a Pinot Grigio at lunch.
57:18 Speaker 01 Today?
57:18 Speaker 02 Today. Yeah.
57:19 Speaker 00 Because you took your mum up for Mother's Day today?
57:22 Speaker 02 Yeah.
57:23 Speaker 00 Oh, sorry. I can't work out who the enemy is on this podcast anymore.
57:28 Speaker 01 You chuck out a detail.
57:30 Speaker 02 There doesn't have to be an enemy, does there?
57:31 Speaker 01 You chuck out a detail we've not asked about, you go, "My mum had a Pinot Grigio today", and you look at both of us, like, I dare you to ask me a follow-up.
57:42 Speaker 01 I'm going through my head of all the follow-up questions I could ask. All of them are gonna get you being like, "What's your fucking problem?"
57:50 Speaker 02 No, that's a misrepresentation. No, she had a...
57:53 Speaker 00 Where did you go for lunch, if you don't mind telling us?
57:55 Speaker 02 My local pub.
57:57 Speaker 00 Lovely.
57:57 Speaker 02 Yep. And she had fish and chips, finished it all, and...
58:07 Speaker 00 Well done, mum.
58:08 Speaker 02 Pinot Grigio. And pudding, yeah. Diabetic. No offence, but...
58:17 Speaker 00 Do you think I get offended by other diabetics?
58:21 Speaker 00 Type one, type two?
58:23 Speaker 02 Spit the diff.
58:26 Speaker 02 She shouldn't be doing what she's doing, let's put it that way.
58:33 Speaker 02 She takes the sugar off a donut before she eats it.
58:38 Speaker 01 Scrape or lick?
58:39 Speaker 02 Lick.
58:39 Speaker 01 Yeah.
58:52 Speaker 01 We arrive at the dessert, Tim.
58:54 Speaker 02 We arrive at the dessert. Love that phrase. We arrive at the dessert.
58:58 Speaker 01 You wanted to eat around a banoffee pie.
59:01 Speaker 02 Well, the issue there is, my favourite dessert is the banoffee pie. I'm my father's son. And...
59:08 Speaker 02 It has, um... It traditionally has cream. And I don't like cream. So I would still get the banoffee pie, but I'll eat around the cream.
59:18 Speaker 01 Got you.
59:18 Speaker 02 Yes.
59:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, great.
59:22 Speaker 02 Would you consider getting your mum to lick the cream off your banoffee pie?
59:26 Speaker 01 Why would you do this to both of us?
59:31 Speaker 01 We're dead.
59:34 Speaker 02 Um...
59:37 Speaker 02 Uh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't like to see how the sausages are made, but if she... If she brings me a banoffee pie and the cream's not there, I'm not asking whether she's licked it off.
59:52 Speaker 02 Ask no questions, hear no lies.
59:56 Speaker 02 I can't be asking my mother every time I see something's been removed whether she's licked it off.
1:00:04 Speaker 02 We've got rid of some of your children's books. Did you lick them out?
1:00:11 Speaker 01 It's a wonderful Mother's Day episode, this, I think.
1:00:14 Speaker 02 Well, it's not a Mother's Day episode, is it?
1:00:16 Speaker 01 Isn't it?
1:00:18 Speaker 02 Oh, you tell me?
1:00:19 Speaker 01 Right now it is.
1:00:20 Speaker 02 Yeah, it is now, yeah.
1:00:21 Speaker 01 As we speak.
1:00:22 Speaker 02 Yeah. Will it go out earlier today?
1:00:28 Speaker 01 Maybe next Mother's Day.
1:00:30 Speaker 02 Of course, maybe next Mother's Day.
1:00:30 Speaker 01 It's not all that out.
1:00:32 Speaker 02 I don't think we can rule anything out at this stage.
1:00:33 Speaker 01 No.
1:00:34 Speaker 02 All options are on the table.
1:00:36 Speaker 01 Nish, for his dream dessert, wanted the peach cobbler from Jackson and Rye. This was a big deal, Tim, because, uh...
1:00:43 Speaker 02 I know what a cobbler is.
1:00:46 Speaker 02 Go on.
1:00:50 Speaker 02 What do you know?
1:00:52 Speaker 00 Yes, I'm the host of this podcast.
1:00:54 Speaker 02 Co-host. Grow up.
1:00:57 Speaker 00 Fair.
1:00:59 Speaker 00 Fair.
1:00:59 Speaker 02 That's the beauty of you two.
1:01:01 Speaker 00 Yeah?
1:01:02 Speaker 02 Yeah, I don't think one of you could do it.
1:01:05 Speaker 02 No, that's... I mean, they laughed. These guys don't know anything. What I'm saying is... It wouldn't be the same, would it?
1:01:11 Speaker 00 No.
1:01:11 Speaker 02 No. So a cobbler...
1:01:16 Speaker 02 Well, as far as I can understand... Well, I only know this because my godson ordered a cobbler in Manchester on Saturday. And what I think a cobbler is, anyway, is food with like a roof on it.
1:01:29 Speaker 02 Or pie without walls. Is it? Is it?
1:01:33 Speaker 00 I don't...
1:01:34 Speaker 02 No.
1:01:34 Speaker 00 No, I think it would be... It's similar to a crumble, but rather than a crumble topping, it's more of a sort of baked topping. More of like a pastry topping.
1:01:42 Speaker 02 So I don't... So I didn't know?
1:01:44 Speaker 00 Well, no, I mean, I think you did know. I think you were honing in on what a cobbler was, but you stopped at food with a roof on it.
1:01:52 Speaker 02 That's sad, isn't it?
1:01:53 Speaker 00 That could be a lot of things, food with a roof on it. That could be a restaurant, couldn't it?
1:01:58 Speaker 02 I'd argue that most restaurants have walls. I think you're describing a cuisine gazebo.
1:02:06 Speaker 00 Sorry, I always do that.
1:02:08 Speaker 02 Gazebo.
1:02:09 Speaker 01 A quizebo.
1:02:12 Speaker 01 You said a cuisine gazebo, and I said a quizebo.
1:02:16 Speaker 02 And I'm all for that. How quickly did he say it? Right after I'd said my thing?
1:02:22 Speaker 01 So Nish ordered this.
1:02:25 Speaker 01 The reason why this was important to Nish is because Jackson and I had stopped doing the peach cobbler. So he wanted to launch a campaign on the podcast to bring back Kumar's cobbler.
1:02:36 Speaker 02 Yeah, I've done that before.
1:02:39 Speaker 01 Yeah?
1:02:39 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:02:43 Speaker 01 Dare I ask you to elaborate?
1:02:46 Speaker 02 Well... They stopped doing sweet rhubarb tea. And I, um...
1:02:53 Speaker 00 Who did?
1:02:58 Speaker 02 You know, the tea guys. Harrogate? Harrogate Tea? I don't know, is there one called Harrogate?
1:03:04 Speaker 00 The tea rooms in Harrogate.
1:03:06 Speaker 02 What?
1:03:06 Speaker 00 The tea rooms in Harrogate.
1:03:08 Speaker 02 No, there's a, there's a company that make tea. Excuse me? Taylors.
1:03:17 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:03:17 Speaker 02 Taylors. So they stopped doing sweet rhubarb tea. And that was my favourite. And I either, can't remember, but I either emailed or certainly was gonna. And anyway, but the point being, I think they do it again. Well, they definitely do like a blackberry one now.
1:03:37 Speaker 02 So I'm quite aware of what Nish is up to.
1:03:39 Speaker 00 Yes. We, we launched a campaign for Nish, but hashtag save Kumars Kobla, bring back Kumars Kobla. Uh, no, instead, they went in a different direction and shut down.
1:03:51 Speaker 02 One, I've got an interesting thing I'd like to say.
1:03:54 Speaker 00 Go on.
1:03:54 Speaker 02 If it's not too late. They did a, um, you, so you, do you sometimes like say things in your podcast and then you get stuff?
1:04:01 Speaker 00 Yes.
1:04:02 Speaker 02 Would that be fair?
1:04:03 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:04:03 Speaker 02 Right. And at one point, you, um, well, anyway, you got a, um, a beer machine. Would that be fair?
1:04:12 Speaker 00 We got sent a beer machine, yes. Like, you, you, we got sent two of them. You can pour pints from it.
1:04:17 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:04:17 Speaker 00 You load it up and you can pour pints from it, yeah.
1:04:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, we did, but that would be fair.
1:04:21 Speaker 00 That was early on in the podcast as well.
1:04:23 Speaker 01 They were sent to the office.
1:04:24 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:04:24 Speaker 01 And you were in the office.
1:04:25 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:04:26 Speaker 01 Doing something else.
1:04:27 Speaker 02 Well, yeah, something else, come on. Creating, probably.
1:04:30 Speaker 01 Doing your book.
1:04:31 Speaker 02 I was probably coming up, I was probably just standing there, coming up with my film. Standing, standing there.
1:04:37 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:04:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, and coming up with my film.
1:04:38 Speaker 01 And you said, what are these?
1:04:40 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:04:41 Speaker 01 We said, the beer machines.
1:04:42 Speaker 02 Beer machines, yeah.
1:04:43 Speaker 01 Yeah. Uh, and you went, you just get given these?
1:04:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:04:47 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:04:47 Speaker 02 I wasn't jealous.
1:04:48 Speaker 01 And you went, you're gonna take these home?
1:04:50 Speaker 02 Uh.
1:04:51 Speaker 01 I said, I'm not taking mine home.
1:04:52 Speaker 02 Uh.
1:04:53 Speaker 01 Couldn't I have it?
1:04:53 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:04:54 Speaker 01 Was your next question?
1:04:55 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:04:55 Speaker 01 Yeah?
1:04:56 Speaker 02 There's no, there's, I don't think there's...
1:04:57 Speaker 01 In my memory, you picked it up and walked out the door.
1:05:02 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. There's no, that's a perfectly dignified thing to do. I mean, it's a beer machine. What you do is you put a keg in it and then it sort of takes it to the right temperature and then it pours it. It's made by a company called Perfect Draft, fantastic. Mine's just broken.
1:05:23 Speaker 01 Fantastic.
1:05:24 Speaker 02 I took it to the Christmas 35 people thing.
1:05:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:05:28 Speaker 02 Obviously you can't take them in a suitcase. Don't know what I was thinking. Arrived there, plugged it in, didn't work anymore.
1:05:35 Speaker 01 A shame.
1:05:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, well I didn't know a lot of the people there, so they're like, I don't know why he's done that. Do not know why he's done it. Which was also my internal monologue. Why have I taken a beer machine?
1:05:46 Speaker 01 So what do you think of Nish's menu as we get to the end of it? Did you enjoy eating it?
1:05:50 Speaker 02 Genuinely, it's a great menu. It started off with the kebab.
1:05:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, oh this is fun.
1:05:59 Speaker 02 Yep.
1:06:00 Speaker 01 Yeah?
1:06:02 Speaker 02 Then we went into ghus. With ham in Coca-Cola.
1:06:07 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:06:07 Speaker 02 With a side order of roast potatoes. And then we finished off with the discontinued cobbler.
1:06:15 Speaker 01 What was the drink?
1:06:16 Speaker 02 What was the drink? Malbec.
1:06:19 Speaker 01 Good memory, Tim.
1:06:22 Speaker 01 It's pretty impressive, actually.
1:06:25 Speaker 02 Yeah, well, I think that's a really, really strong menu. What do you think?
1:06:29 Speaker 01 Well, I think you're right, but I was looking forward to telling Nish tomorrow that you hated his menu and getting his reaction to it.
1:06:36 Speaker 02 Oh, I don't hate that at all.
1:06:37 Speaker 01 For tomorrow's gig, with our surprise guest.
1:06:43 Speaker 02 What's, whose menu will it be that you're going to?
1:06:45 Speaker 01 Don't say, James.
1:06:49 Speaker 01 I don't think he's remembered, he's not checked the text anyway, I think.
1:06:52 Speaker 02 Is it always James?
1:06:54 Speaker 01 What, the co-host?
1:06:55 Speaker 02 No.
1:06:59 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah, tends to be.
1:07:00 Speaker 02 But what you call him, do you always say James?
1:07:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, I go with James, yeah.
1:07:03 Speaker 02 Ever Jim?
1:07:04 Speaker 01 I go Jimmy sometimes.
1:07:05 Speaker 02 Jimmy, yeah.
1:07:05 Speaker 01 If I'm feeling cheeky.
1:07:07 Speaker 02 Do you think you'll say Jimmy more once he's dead, when you're talking about him?
1:07:11 Speaker 01 Very bold to assume that he's gonna die before me.
1:07:15 Speaker 02 Oh, what are we thinking?
1:07:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, well.
1:07:18 Speaker 02 What do you think you're gonna go?
1:07:21 Speaker 02 I think you're the sort of person, I can sort of imagine a sort of old version of you.
1:07:26 Speaker 01 Yeah, I can imagine.
1:07:27 Speaker 02 I can imagine you in your 80s.
1:07:28 Speaker 01 Yeah, I actually can't imagine Ed old, so maybe Ed dies first. Okay, cool. We like to end on a big fun thing normally, Tim. It's been good to see you, Tim.
1:07:37 Speaker 02 Oh, great to see you.
1:07:38 Speaker 01 Nice to see you, thanks for coming to the Albert Hall and talking to us.
1:07:41 Speaker 02 A real, a real, a real pleasure.
1:07:44 Speaker 01 You got a take-home message for the audience?
1:07:46 Speaker 00 Before we go.
1:07:48 Speaker 02 Um, no, not really. I mean, you know. Well, I would say this, you've got a very nice audience. I would say that.
1:07:58 Speaker 00 You're very nice.
1:07:59 Speaker 02 I watched the first half from a box and it was fantastic. I was royally entertained. I think you two do a fantastic job.
1:08:10 Speaker 00 He can't handle it, can he?
1:08:11 Speaker 02 No, he can't handle it. That's the thing, he doesn't know what he wants from me.
1:08:14 Speaker 00 Yeah, but he can't handle the sincerity.
1:08:17 Speaker 01 I'm not, I'm just laughing at it.
1:08:19 Speaker 02 Why are you laughing at it though? We need to think about that. Talk to Stuart about that.
1:08:24 Speaker 01 It's quite funny to have someone who's sitting there for the whole thing, and you ask them questions and they go, "What the fuck do you want from me?" And then at the end they go, "I love the audience", and they actually applaud it.
1:08:37 Speaker 01 It's insane. It's like, what is this?
1:08:40 Speaker 02 I'll clear up after myself.
1:08:41 Speaker 00 Yeah, get those all cleared up. While you clear up, please.
1:08:44 Speaker 01 Anyone you want to give that to on the front? You see there's a man, so like, three seats in on the front there, there's a guy who has definitely been dragged along by his partner. Do you want to bring him the whole plate of poppadons? Because he's furious that he's here.
1:09:00 Speaker 02 What, give him the poppadons?
1:09:01 Speaker 01 Yeah, give him all the poppadons.
1:09:01 Speaker 02 All right.
1:09:07 Speaker 00 He's got a lovely smile on his face now.
1:09:09 Speaker 01 He's very happy now. I wanted to make him happy. There you go, mate.
1:09:13 Speaker 00 What a lovely gift. Can we get a massive round of applause? Go on, a crazy for Tim Key!
1:09:20 Speaker 00 What's more for Tim Key?
1:09:24 Speaker 00 Thank you so much, guys. You've been a brilliant audience. We'll see most of you tomorrow, I'd imagine, with our secret guest. Bye-bye!
1:09:42 Speaker 00 There we are, another absolute banger from the Royal Albert Hall.
1:09:47 Speaker 01 Yeah, Tim Key there and his book LA Baby is out now, by the way.
1:09:51 Speaker 00 Yes.
1:09:51 Speaker 01 What I just remembered.
1:09:52 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's a great book and he's on tour with Logan Bree, a great show.
1:09:56 Speaker 01 Although it would be a better show if it was called Jokes in the Key of Tim.
1:09:59 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:10:01 Speaker 00 So good.
1:10:02 Speaker 01 That would be good.
1:10:03 Speaker 00 Yeah. Jokes in the Key of Tim, that's fantastic.
1:10:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, he won't have it though.
1:10:09 Speaker 00 Key to my heart.
1:10:10 Speaker 01 Key to my heart. I got the key, I got the secret.
1:10:13 Speaker 00 Hmm.
1:10:14 Speaker 01 Of course.
1:10:15 Speaker 00 Yep.
1:10:16 Speaker 01 Uh, I guess we're just trying to think of others now, but like, you, you, you tweet them into Off Menu.
1:10:22 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:10:22 Speaker 01 Uh, Off Menu Official, at Off Menu Official, tweet your Tim Key puns.
1:10:27 Speaker 00 Yes.
1:10:27 Speaker 01 For his show titles.
1:10:28 Speaker 00 Do tweet.
1:10:29 Speaker 01 Ben will make sure that he gets them to Tim.
1:10:33 Speaker 00 And sign chopping board.
1:10:34 Speaker 01 And he will send you a sign chopping board if you come up with a good show title, of course. Um, I guess all that's left to say is like, we'll see you on the next one. There's another bonus, there's one more bonus episode left.
1:10:45 Speaker 00 Uno mas.
1:10:46 Speaker 01 Uno mas, of course. Oh, a little clue there to who the guest is. Um, and, uh,
1:10:55 Speaker 01 yeah, you know, just be, be cool.
1:10:59 Speaker 00 Yeah, be cool, guys. See you later.
1:11:01 Speaker 01 See ya.
Previous Phil Ellis Next Laura Smyth Page updated October 29, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated