Paul F. Tompkins (Tasting Menu)

Fan favourite from way back in Series 3 of Off Menu, US podcasting royalty and ‘Bojack Horseman’ star Paul F. Tompkins returns to the Dream Restaurant for a Tasting Menu. Listen to Paul’s original episode https://podfollow.com/off-menu-with-ed-gamble-and-james-acaster/episode/a5ad6b7939e359fd6be1d865f67996c3731d5a81/view Listen to Paul F. Tompkins’s podcasts ‘Spontaneanation https://podfollow.com/978516099’ and ‘Threedom https://podfollow.com/1437002676’ wherever you get your podcasts. Follow Paul on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/pftompkins/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@paulftompkins @pftompkins Don’t forget, video episodes of Off Menu are out every Wednesday on our YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast. Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hello, it's Ed here from the Off Menu podcast that you are listening to right now. You'll know that I'm doing a brand new stand-up comedy show on tour next year, fresh hell. And we are delighted to announce that we are doing two more shows at the London Palladium, Friday the 19th of March, Saturday the 20th of March. You've got to come to these shows, they're going to be great, they're on sale now. Edgamble.co.uk for ticket details.

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• 3:07Speaker 00

  Welcome to the Off Menu tasting menus.

• 3:11Speaker 06

  We get a fan favorite back on the podcast. We give them the menu of another fan favorite and they react to it. This week, our returning fan favorite guest is Paul F. Tompkins.

• 3:21Speaker 00

  Paul F. Tompkins, I remember the first time we had Paul on, James, I was so excited. I love Paul F. Tompkins' work. We interviewed him in America, it's fantastic that he was over in the UK to record this.

• 3:32Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 3:32Speaker 00

  Delighted to have him back on, we'll be giving him the menu of another fan favorite.

• 3:36Speaker 06

  This feels like the second part of like a foreign exchange student, kind of like pen pal situation. You go and visit them where they live and now he's come into our home.

• 3:46Speaker 00

  Learning all our little ways.

• 3:47Speaker 06

  Yeah, that's exciting.

• 3:48Speaker 00

  Did you do foreign exchange when you were a kid?

• 3:51Speaker 06

  No, we had a pen pals with like just another school in England and we went to their school at one point. And obviously my one kind of didn't want to hang out with me when he met me in person. And he kind of ditched me for this other, he kind of hang out with his friend and his pen pal from my class. So I was kind of just drifting around on my own at this other school for the day.

• 4:09Speaker 00

  But look at you now, that kid is going to be gutted right now. You could have been friends with James A. Caster.

• 4:15Speaker 06

  That kid's David Beckham.

• 4:18Speaker 00

  Very excited to speak to Paul, of course. Listen to Spontaneation, Paul's podcast, he's got another podcast called Freedom as well, listen to that one. He's on all sorts of podcasts, he's brilliant.

• 4:27Speaker 06

  Always funny, always a pleasure to talk to. Let's see how he reacts to this menu, Ed.

• 4:31Speaker 00

  This is the Off Menu tasting menu of Paul F. Tompkins.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  Welcome back, Paul, to the dream restaurants.

• 4:46Speaker 06

  Hi Paul, good to see you.

• 4:47Speaker 04

  Hi, thank you, it's good to see you fellows.

• 4:49Speaker 00

  We were just chuckling there at Ben's clap.

• 4:51Speaker 04

  It was fun.

• 4:52Speaker 00

  Ben does a little clap to, the clap though, what does that actually do?

• 4:56Speaker 06

  It syncs up the sound, I think.

• 4:57Speaker 00

  Shouldn't it be in front of the cameras though? To sync up the sound with the audio? Okay.

• 5:02Speaker 06

  Oh, he's telling you it's boring, wow. That's the earliest Ben's ever said to us, this is boring in an episode.

• 5:08Speaker 04

  He's not wrong.

• 5:08Speaker 00

  No, no, no, it was a genuine question from me, Paul, that was just my actual personality.

• 5:13Speaker 04

  Of cour-

• 5:14Speaker 06

  Only time that Ed's ever shown an interest in Ben's life.

• 5:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:18Speaker 04

  Telling him he's probably doing something wrong.

• 5:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, oh, it was wrong.

• 5:21Speaker 04

  Shouldn't that be in front of the camera?

• 5:22Speaker 00

  Yeah. So everything we're saying now, they will have already heard it.

• 5:27Speaker 04

  Right.

• 5:27Speaker 00

  And our faces are doing it right now.

• 5:30Speaker 06

  Yeah, our faces are doing it right now.

• 5:32Speaker 04

  Our faces are doing it right now.

• 5:34Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah, but they've already heard it.

• 5:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, they've already heard it.

• 5:38Speaker 06

  Yeah, but our faces are doing it right now.

• 5:40Speaker 04

  Are you guys, I should not have gotten high before this. This is hard for me.

• 5:44Speaker 06

  Listen man, this is different territory now. You, when you came on this podcast, those early days, we were boys.

• 5:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:49Speaker 06

  We're men now, you can't push us around like you did the first time.

• 5:52Speaker 04

  You know what, I respect that.

• 5:54Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 5:54Speaker 04

  I respect that.

• 5:55Speaker 00

  Do you remember being pushed around by Paul?

• 5:57Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 5:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:58Speaker 06

  Pushed around.

• 5:59Speaker 04

  Oh, I don't push people, oh, no, I'm a sweetie.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  You are a sweetie, actually.

• 6:05Speaker 04

  I'm a little sweetie.

• 6:06Speaker 06

  We were just little boys with little dicks. And now we're gonna, we're gonna show him, we're gonna show him who we are.

• 6:11Speaker 00

  Oh, okay, sorry, show me who we are.

• 6:14Speaker 06

  You've got to show him who we've become now.

• 6:15Speaker 00

  Yeah. And we've started. Paul, it's delighted to have you back.

• 6:19Speaker 04

  I'm very happy to be back, I'm glad this all worked out.

• 6:21Speaker 00

  To experience a tasting menu, yes.

• 6:25Speaker 06

  When we last saw you, it was February 2020, before everything kicked off.

• 6:31Speaker 04

  And kickoff it did.

• 6:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:32Speaker 06

  How have you been since we saw you?

• 6:37Speaker 00

  Anything happened?

• 6:38Speaker 04

  I've, what's funny now is that when you see somebody you haven't seen in a while in the States now, and you ask them how they are, they always start with, I mean, you know, it's like, understood, understood. Just in general, you as a human being, how are you doing in your day-to-day life?

• 6:58Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 6:58Speaker 04

  Don't feel like you have to, we know what's going on.

• 7:01Speaker 00

  We just want surface level.

• 7:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, you're not a bad person if you start with the injustice, it's like, yes, understood.

• 7:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, if you start going, fantastic, everything's great, no one's assuming you think everything's great?

• 7:15Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 7:15Speaker 00

  Are you kidding me?

• 7:16Speaker 06

  This person doesn't care.

• 7:17Speaker 04

  What you do is you give a high pitched, good, good, pretty good. Sells it, you know, you know exactly what's going on.

• 7:25Speaker 06

  Then they know.

• 7:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 7:26Speaker 06

  That's good. Did you turn down Riyadh?

• 7:34Speaker 04

  Let me tell you something, they offered me $1,000 to go over there.

• 7:39Speaker 06

  What?

• 7:39Speaker 04

  And I said, uh-uh, I have principles. And that was a life-changing amount of money.

• 7:45Speaker 06

  That was to emcee the new act showcase.

• 7:46Speaker 04

  Yes, the new, the fresh faces of Riyadh.

• 7:50Speaker 06

  Riyadh new faces.

• 7:52Speaker 04

  I was going to do the character night.

• 7:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:55Speaker 04

  And it's too bad, it's too bad.

• 7:57Speaker 00

  You had to pay for your own flights as well though, right?

• 7:58Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 7:59Speaker 00

  Out of the 1,000.

• 8:00Speaker 04

  Yes, and then some sort of travel tax that I had to pay upon arrival at the venue.

• 8:06Speaker 00

  And accommodation.

• 8:07Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 8:08Speaker 00

  Total nightmare.

• 8:09Speaker 06

  Yeah, no one talks about, yeah, the comics who are offered the most disrespectful deals.

• 8:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:14Speaker 06

  They've ever come across.

• 8:15Speaker 04

  You know, I have my principles.

• 8:16Speaker 00

  Me and James are setting up the Riyadh Free Fringe.

• 8:18Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 8:19Speaker 00

  Because we feel like ticket prices have got too high.

• 8:21Speaker 04

  Oh, it's so, it used to be great.

• 8:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:24Speaker 04

  The Riyadh Comedy Festival used to be so lovely and now it's just, it's too big.

• 8:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, it got too big.

• 8:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 8:30Speaker 00

  It's too corporate, may I say?

• 8:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, they got Chili's.

• 8:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:34Speaker 06

  Everyone knows that.

• 8:35Speaker 04

  Starbucks, yeah.

• 8:36Speaker 06

  Everyone knows that, that's very well above the size.

• 8:39Speaker 04

  So it's really too bad the money was so low because I was looking forward to building a bridge between our cultures.

• 8:44Speaker 06

  Yep.

• 8:44Speaker 04

  And, you know, in many ways, America's more oppressive than Riyadh.

• 8:51Speaker 00

  That's a good point.

• 8:52Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 8:53Speaker 00

  It's a good point.

• 8:53Speaker 06

  Good point.

• 8:54Speaker 04

  Too bad.

• 8:55Speaker 06

  Now, you've heard some tasting menus in the past.

• 8:58Speaker 04

  Yes, I have.

• 8:59Speaker 06

  Is there any, you know that we're going to give you another guest menu?

• 9:03Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 9:03Speaker 06

  Anyone that you're hoping for? Anyone that you think are absolutely not that person?

• 9:08Speaker 04

  Do you know it's difficult because they get sort of confusing because-

• 9:14Speaker 04

  The guests are seem very put off by the whole idea.

• 9:21Speaker 04

  I think was the first one, John.

• 9:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, that's the one that sticks in my mind the most.

• 9:27Speaker 00

  Yeah. So he had Miriam Margulies's menu. Yeah.

• 9:31Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:31Speaker 00

  I think people come into the dream restaurant and they assume that they're just gonna be able to pick what they like again, because it's a dream.

• 9:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 9:38Speaker 00

  But this is a forced dream. We're making.

• 9:40Speaker 04

  This is a nightmare.

• 9:41Speaker 00

  Well, well, it might be a nightmare. It might not be. It depends on the menu. But we are essentially making you have a specific dream, like, sort of like a Black Mirror episode.

• 9:52Speaker 04

  Okay, you're not gonna give me Stevie Martins, I hope.

• 9:55Speaker 06

  No.

• 9:56Speaker 00

  No.

• 9:56Speaker 06

  Don't worry.

• 9:57Speaker 00

  Didn't like Stevie Martins menu?

• 9:58Speaker 04

  Main course of nachos?

• 9:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:01Speaker 04

  Wasn't all her food the same color?

• 10:03Speaker 00

  It was, yeah, it's pretty. It had a consistency in the color palette.

• 10:07Speaker 04

  Yeah. Like, I like a pop of color.

• 10:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, sure. I think there's pops of color in this.

• 10:11Speaker 06

  Oh, there's actually quite a lot of color in this.

• 10:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:14Speaker 06

  Uh, looking at it, actually. Oh.

• 10:19Speaker 06

  We didn't really bring it up at the time, but there was not, no, this is all the same color.

• 10:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:25Speaker 06

  Yeah, this is pretty similar color wise.

• 10:28Speaker 00

  So you know, when I said there's some colors in this, I meant the opposite.

• 10:31Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 10:32Speaker 04

  Why?

• 10:33Speaker 00

  I, well, I don't know. I think I just didn't know.

• 10:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 10:37Speaker 04

  But it, it sounds like you're trying not to say that you lied.

• 10:40Speaker 00

  Yes. It wasn't a lie. I just said.

• 10:43Speaker 04

  I meant the opposite of what I said.

• 10:44Speaker 00

  The opposite of what I said.

• 10:46Speaker 04

  That sounds like.

• 10:46Speaker 00

  And it was an error. It was an error. So it didn't come from the heart.

• 10:49Speaker 04

  I would have led with, I was mistaken.

• 10:51Speaker 00

  I was, okay.

• 10:52Speaker 04

  Rather than.

• 10:52Speaker 00

  It was an ignorance.

• 10:53Speaker 04

  The opposite of what I said.

• 10:54Speaker 00

  I meant.

• 10:55Speaker 04

  You're lucky we're not in court.

• 10:56Speaker 00

  What I said was not what I meant. Unfortunately, it's the exact opposite of what I said. But is that a lie? Who are we to say? See, if you were the opposing lawyer and you made that noise, I think I've won the case.

• 11:11Speaker 06

  I'm just looking to Ben.

• 11:12Speaker 04

  I feel like I'm about to deploy Ben's famous catchphrase, this is boring.

• 11:19Speaker 04

  Do you know, the last time we were together, the only thing I remember from the episode is the famous canary in the coal mine.

• 11:26Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 11:27Speaker 04

  Conundrum.

• 11:27Speaker 00

  Canary Nicole mine. I also remember the Brussels sprout song.

• 11:31Speaker 06

  Yeah. And you sing a song about Brussels sprouts.

• 11:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:34Speaker 04

  I don't remember that.

• 11:35Speaker 00

  Hmm. You seem to know the song off by heart at the time, so it's a shame.

• 11:38Speaker 06

  We did. We both knew it off by heart at the time, Paul.

• 11:40Speaker 00

  And I didn't.

• 11:41Speaker 06

  No.

• 11:41Speaker 00

  I tried my own version. Oh, the meat, maybe it's a meatball.

• 11:44Speaker 06

  Both. We did both.

• 11:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:46Speaker 04

  On top of spaghetti?

• 11:47Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:48Speaker 04

  Is that the one?

• 11:49Speaker 06

  Well, we did that and we did, and we did the Brussels sprouts.

• 11:51Speaker 04

  What's the Brussels sprouts song? Do you remember it?

• 11:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 11:54Speaker 04

  So let's hear it. And so do I.

• 11:56Speaker 06

  Do it together.

• 11:56Speaker 04

  Let's do it together.

• 11:57Speaker 00

  This is happening again.

• 12:05Speaker 00

  As well as last time.

• 12:09Speaker 00

  Brussels sprouts, they're going south.

• 12:10Speaker 06

  Yeah, I like they're going south. Yeah.

• 12:13Speaker 04

  What did we, what, what did we determine about the canary in the coal mine?

• 12:16Speaker 00

  I can't, I cannot remember that.

• 12:18Speaker 04

  I, I think the idea was testing something, something being the canary in the coal mine.

• 12:25Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 12:25Speaker 04

  And then we were wondering, how did they get the canary in the coal? What did they do? Did they lower a cage with?

• 12:29Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah, of course.

• 12:31Speaker 04

  And I can't remember what the real thing was.

• 12:34Speaker 06

  I, I think no one else, it would have started with farts. So it probably would have been a room full of farts and that you send a canary in there to check if the farts have cleared yet.

• 12:44Speaker 06

  After you've had your Brussels sprouts or something.

• 12:46Speaker 00

  Paul is so disgusted with you right now.

• 12:48Speaker 04

  I know that didn't happen.

• 12:49Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 12:49Speaker 00

  You're not a fart guy, right? You're not a fart humorist. No.

• 12:53Speaker 04

  No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't call myself that.

• 12:55Speaker 06

  You don't call yourself a fart humorist?

• 12:57Speaker 04

  Wouldn't be so hubristic as to lay claim to that title when others do it so well.

• 13:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:03Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 13:04Speaker 00

  There were actually too many of those guys going to read. That's why you missed out in the end.

• 13:08Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 13:10Speaker 04

  There was a mandate.

• 13:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:11Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 13:12Speaker 00

  We got too many.

• 13:12Speaker 06

  There was a special clause in the contract that said you could only fart this many times.

• 13:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:17Speaker 06

  You're not allowed to fart this much.

• 13:18Speaker 04

  During your set or the whole time you're there?

• 13:21Speaker 06

  Whole time you're there.

• 13:21Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 13:22Speaker 00

  So you're imagining.

• 13:23Speaker 06

  Feed him a fart.

• 13:24Speaker 00

  That Paul as a fart humorist at literally farts rather than just talks about farts.

• 13:29Speaker 06

  He does a joke about farts and then after the punchline, cocks a cheek and farts as like a little bit of punctuation at the end.

• 13:36Speaker 04

  It's an edit point.

• 13:39Speaker 04

  You just lift that all out?

• 13:42Speaker 00

  We're giving you Alex Horn's menu.

• 13:45Speaker 04

  Okay. Now, he's a vegetarian, is that correct?

• 13:47Speaker 06

  Nope.

• 13:48Speaker 00

  No.

• 13:48Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 13:49Speaker 06

  Not at all.

• 13:50Speaker 04

  Why did I think that?

• 13:51Speaker 00

  He looks vegetarian.

• 13:52Speaker 04

  He does look vegetarian.

• 13:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 13:54Speaker 04

  He seems like a guy you'd go to a restaurant with and it would be a problem.

• 13:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, well.

• 13:58Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 13:58Speaker 00

  That's true.

• 13:59Speaker 06

  That's true.

• 13:59Speaker 00

  But not because of any dietary needs.

• 14:02Speaker 04

  Is he a picky little boy?

• 14:04Speaker 06

  No.

• 14:04Speaker 00

  Picky little boy. He's just, just, just trouble. He's just trouble. He's the sort of person who's, you'd be eating your main course and suddenly he'd just reach over and grab a bit.

• 14:13Speaker 04

  Oh, no.

• 14:14Speaker 00

  And then you pop it in his mouth, I think.

• 14:16Speaker 04

  Oh, absolutely not.

• 14:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:17Speaker 06

  He's an alien, like when it comes to food. So it's like, he doesn't really understand the concept of.

• 14:22Speaker 00

  By the way, you left such a big gap between alien and when it comes to food, that it sounded like you were just going with.

• 14:28Speaker 04

  I thought this was a scoop.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:29Speaker 04

  It was an exclusive.

• 14:30Speaker 06

  He's an alien. Well, definitely that would surprise anyone. That man was a.

• 14:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 14:35Speaker 06

  That man was an alien.

• 14:37Speaker 00

  Absolutely not.

• 14:38Speaker 06

  See him try and talk to me. When he's on TV, that's him at his most charismatic. He's turning it on for the cameras.

• 14:43Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 14:44Speaker 06

  Off camera, so uphill. Would have a chat with that guy.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  I think it's because you two are too similar, you and Alex on.

• 14:51Speaker 06

  No.

• 14:52Speaker 00

  Because out of everyone.

• 14:53Speaker 06

  I'm cool.

• 14:53Speaker 00

  Out of everyone I know from comedy, Paul.

• 14:55Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 14:56Speaker 00

  And out of everyone you know from comedy, who would you point out as being the most likely to be an alien?

• 15:01Speaker 04

  Wow.

• 15:03Speaker 00

  Give you a little clue?

• 15:03Speaker 06

  Are you looking at me?

• 15:06Speaker 06

  You're pointing at me. You, you know Sam Campbell.

• 15:07Speaker 04

  I think, I feel. Sam Campbell.

• 15:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's true.

• 15:11Speaker 04

  Sam Campbell. I feel like you're a little too, a little too combative to be an alien.

• 15:16Speaker 06

  Thank you.

• 15:17Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:17Speaker 00

  Oh, because aliens are famously friendly, aren't they?

• 15:20Speaker 04

  Well, I mean, if you're, if you're trying to.

• 15:23Speaker 00

  Have you seen Independence Day?

• 15:25Speaker 04

  Now, hold on a second. They're not trying to live like us on Earth.

• 15:28Speaker 00

  But they're combative.

• 15:29Speaker 04

  They just came to destroy things.

• 15:30Speaker 00

  That's pretty combative in my book.

• 15:31Speaker 04

  You're saying there's one kind of alien?

• 15:33Speaker 00

  No, I'm saying that.

• 15:33Speaker 04

  You're not familiar with the whites, with the grays?

• 15:37Speaker 00

  But the grays, the grays are combative, aren't they? As far as I'm concerned.

• 15:41Speaker 04

  They're just nosey.

• 15:42Speaker 00

  They're nosey and they, most of them want you to take them to your dealer from memory.

• 15:48Speaker 06

  Is that a thing in America? Take me to your dealer? Is that a thing?

• 15:50Speaker 04

  That, that aliens say this?

• 15:51Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 15:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was a big poster over here in the nineties.

• 15:55Speaker 06

  And T-shirts.

• 15:56Speaker 00

  And T-shirts. So it'd be a big picture of a, a gray alien, holding his finger up. It's like glowing like a spliff and it says, take me to your dealer.

• 16:04Speaker 04

  Why would he need the dealer? When he's already got a built in joint?

• 16:12Speaker 00

  Look, that's fair enough, but you can ask.

• 16:14Speaker 04

  Or is he looking to sell the finger?

• 16:15Speaker 00

  Maybe he's looking to sell the finger. Take me to your dealer and is he looking to buy?

• 16:18Speaker 04

  I have no experience in business.

• 16:20Speaker 06

  How much should I make from this?

• 16:23Speaker 06

  You seem to have a good thing going on this planet.

• 16:25Speaker 04

  Take me to your dealer.

• 16:26Speaker 00

  That's one of the great posters, I think.

• 16:28Speaker 04

  One of the great posters.

• 16:29Speaker 06

  Iconic. When we were, when we were kids, that was huge. Take me to the dealer.

• 16:34Speaker 00

  Addyhash was another good one. That would be like a flag, like the Adidas logo, but it's a weed leaf and it says Addyhash.

• 16:40Speaker 04

  That sounds familiar. I feel like I've seen.

• 16:41Speaker 00

  You must have seen Addyhash.

• 16:42Speaker 04

  Are they still making things like that?

• 16:44Speaker 00

  They, they surely sell things like that at festivals still, I think.

• 16:48Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 16:48Speaker 00

  But I've not seen Take Me To Your Dealer in a long time.

• 16:51Speaker 06

  Needs bringing back.

• 16:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:53Speaker 06

  Take Me To Your Dealer. Or its own film.

• 16:55Speaker 04

  I beg your pardon?

• 16:56Speaker 06

  It should have like a film franchise.

• 16:58Speaker 04

  On the popular poster?

• 16:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 17:00Speaker 00

  Look, we've had like Barbie, the movie, right?

• 17:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 17:02Speaker 00

  It's about time we started basing movies on posters.

• 17:05Speaker 04

  Base the thing on a book.

• 17:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:07Speaker 06

  And maybe the Take Me To Your Dealer people would be like the Bar, the Mattel people and be up for, you know.

• 17:12Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 17:12Speaker 06

  Being criticized during it as well.

• 17:15Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 17:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:16Speaker 06

  Lightly.

• 17:17Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 17:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, about the dangers of marijuana.

• 17:19Speaker 06

  Yeah, it'd be like, hey, I, I grew up with Take Me To Your Dealer and now I'm stoned 24/7.

• 17:26Speaker 04

  Let's brainstorm this. So it would be an alien. I mean, it has to be an alien comes down to Earth. It's like an E T type story.

• 17:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:32Speaker 06

  But it lives on the planet where like all the Take Me To Your Dealer aliens live.

• 17:36Speaker 00

  Hang on, so on this, on this planet, it's full of aliens who are all looking for a dealer, but there isn't one there.

• 17:42Speaker 04

  I, I think it's a planet of dealers.

• 17:45Speaker 00

  And one alien.

• 17:47Speaker 04

  And what?

• 17:49Speaker 04

  No, there are alien dealers.

• 17:52Speaker 06

  Yeah. Paul's saying all the aliens are drug. You're saying that all the aliens are human. You're saying there's all human drug dealers on the planet and one alien.

• 18:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 18:01Speaker 06

  That's what you think it is.

• 18:02Speaker 00

  But then why would that guy then need to come here to find a dealer?

• 18:05Speaker 04

  The, the, the two societies, there's two societies and they're split between dealers and dealer wanters.

• 18:11Speaker 00

  Okay, yeah, yeah. Junkies.

• 18:13Speaker 04

  And so, well, are they? Or is it just the way their society is? And who are we to judge?

• 18:17Speaker 00

  Yeah. The film will explore that, I guess.

• 18:19Speaker 04

  Yes. And he comes to Earth or she.

• 18:22Speaker 06

  Yep.

• 18:23Speaker 04

  And is lost because it's like, how can I, I can't believe there's no dealers around.

• 18:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 18:30Speaker 04

  And because weed is now, they just sell it in stores and stuff. It's very confusing. He wants to go to a, a dark hole and find somebody.

• 18:40Speaker 06

  Want a dealer.

• 18:41Speaker 04

  Yeah, he needs to find a dealer.

• 18:43Speaker 00

  Well, then he needs to come to the UK. This needs to be UK based, I think. Because we don't have, we don't have the shops here.

• 18:48Speaker 06

  We're not selling it.

• 18:48Speaker 04

  I thought I saw one.

• 18:50Speaker 06

  No, you got, you got done.

• 18:51Speaker 04

  It's got the green cross. Does that mean something else?

• 18:54Speaker 00

  Oh, that's just a regular pharmacy.

• 18:55Speaker 06

  Regular pharmacy. Whatever you bought.

• 18:57Speaker 04

  Boy, that's confusing. I feel sorry for people coming to America.

• 19:02Speaker 06

  What have you been smoking this whole trip?

• 19:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:04Speaker 06

  Some paracetamol.

• 19:05Speaker 00

  Fix vapor up.

• 19:05Speaker 04

  I don't smoke anything, but I do eat gummies all day long.

• 19:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:09Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 19:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 19:10Speaker 06

  So those were, they were laxative pills you'd be eating.

• 19:13Speaker 04

  I guess so. That would explain a great deal.

• 19:15Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 19:15Speaker 00

  That's a good bit for the film, isn't it?

• 19:17Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 19:18Speaker 00

  The alien accidentally eats laxatives.

• 19:20Speaker 06

  Grapes everywhere.

• 19:21Speaker 00

  And you can do the fart for the, for the voiceover.

• 19:24Speaker 04

  Ed?

• 19:26Speaker 04

  That's, that's two.

• 19:28Speaker 00

  I didn't realize you were on a counter.

• 19:30Speaker 04

  Hmm. You don't want to get to three.

• 19:33Speaker 00

  Because then you're gonna.

• 19:35Speaker 04

  You'll find out. I hope you don't.

• 19:37Speaker 00

  You know what I think you're gonna do, but I can't mention it because then it'll be three.

• 19:40Speaker 06

  Yeah. This is absolute catch 22. Catch 22 poo.

• 19:49Speaker 04

  There we go. Lifts up nicely.

• 19:53Speaker 06

  For your water course, you had still water.

• 19:55Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 19:56Speaker 06

  Alex Horne has gone a different way. What do you think Alex has done? And this is what you're gonna-

• 20:00Speaker 04

  Has he come up with a third thing?

• 20:02Speaker 06

  Hmm. Yes. And this might be something you don't have in the US of A. I haven't seen it there.

• 20:09Speaker 04

  Another type of water?

• 20:12Speaker 06

  Well.

• 20:13Speaker 04

  Is it not a water?

• 20:14Speaker 06

  I don't think, no. He's really bent the rules here. We've let him.

• 20:18Speaker 04

  Oh, he likes to do it.

• 20:19Speaker 06

  He likes to do it. Oh, it's okay when it's, yeah, when he does it. Sure.

• 20:23Speaker 04

  So still a sparkling or is it like a cola of some sort?

• 20:28Speaker 06

  No, but, but you're right. It's just a completely different drink and it's like a, and it is just a brand name of something that he, he bought. It's a-

• 20:35Speaker 04

  Santa?

• 20:36Speaker 06

  Very close.

• 20:37Speaker 04

  Santa.

• 20:39Speaker 06

  Santa.

• 20:40Speaker 04

  Ganta?

• 20:41Speaker 00

  It's a tall glass of Santa.

• 20:41Speaker 04

  Pretty close to Fanta.

• 20:42Speaker 06

  What would you say Ganta is? If you had to imagine what Ganta is as a drink.

• 20:47Speaker 04

  I mean, obviously it's Fanta laced with marijuana.

• 20:50Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 20:51Speaker 04

  So it's, it's a hybrid of ganja and Fanta.

• 20:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 20:54Speaker 00

  Which sounds fantastic.

• 20:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, and gan-tastic. We're having fun. I'm here with my friends Teddy and Jim.

• 21:06Speaker 06

  Orangina.

• 21:08Speaker 00

  Get the fuck-

• 21:10Speaker 04

  Orange, to start a meal?

• 21:14Speaker 06

  Orangina.

• 21:16Speaker 04

  Why not just orange juice?

• 21:17Speaker 06

  Yeah, he wants Orangina.

• 21:19Speaker 00

  So you have, you have orange juice, yeah, yeah. And is it in the fun bottle as well?

• 21:24Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:24Speaker 00

  That looks like an orange?

• 21:25Speaker 04

  You know what? I don't know if it still is, but I remember when it was, when it was a new thing in the States.

• 21:29Speaker 00

  That was exciting, wasn't it?

• 21:30Speaker 04

  It was an exciting time. Yeah. There's a new drink innovation.

• 21:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:36Speaker 04

  I remember my mother who was, you know, she was a kid during the depression and she thought I never, I never thought I'd see this day.

• 21:41Speaker 00

  Yeah. It's a wonderful day for freedom.

• 21:43Speaker 04

  Yeah. She cried an orange tear.

• 21:46Speaker 06

  What's the latest drink innovation in America at the minute? Was the, is there something that's like?

• 21:50Speaker 04

  Everything's a zero.

• 21:52Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 21:52Speaker 04

  Um, in terms of your mainstream soda pops, um, the sort of lightly flavored sparkling water. What is it? La Croix, all that stuff, which I really don't like because it's neither fish nor fowl. It is, it is either I want no flavor or I want some flavor, but it feels like you're drinking out of a, a reused glass.

• 22:17Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 22:17Speaker 04

  It's just like the tiniest little, I don't get it. I don't get what the point is.

• 22:21Speaker 00

  It's like the memory of a flavor.

• 22:23Speaker 04

  Yeah. I don't find it refreshing or enjoyable, but people, it's now the default everywhere you go. Those kind of drinks. Spin Drift, uh, others. And, um, it used to be if you'd go to a place like this that had like a little kitchenette or something, you would find water, you'd find maybe some soft drinks. And now it's all that. And if you don't drink that, you're out of luck, baby.

• 22:46Speaker 00

  Yeah. Are you a fan of Liquid Death?

• 22:51Speaker 04

  It's so cool.

• 22:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, it is cool, isn't it?

• 22:54Speaker 04

  It's so cool. And a lot of times when I'm drinking water, I feel like a big loser. And I was, I remember thinking, if only there was a way to make this rock and roll. And they did it.

• 23:08Speaker 00

  They did it. They finally did it. Yeah.

• 23:10Speaker 06

  I would love that if Paul just started drinking Liquid Death and that was your drink. And everyone was like, Paul F. Tompkins is drinking Liquid Death all the time. Turns up with a big load of Liquid Death.

• 23:19Speaker 04

  Absolutely. Yeah.

• 23:21Speaker 00

  What I like about Liquid Death is if you have it when you're driving, it looks like you're having a big beer.

• 23:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:25Speaker 00

  And then the police might stop you and you'd be like-

• 23:27Speaker 04

  There's nothing they can do.

• 23:28Speaker 00

  Suckers.

• 23:29Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:29Speaker 00

  It's water.

• 23:30Speaker 04

  Police hate this one trick. But there's nothing they can do about it. Yeah.

• 23:36Speaker 00

  And then they have to be like, all right, we'll leave you alone. Cause they will do that. And they will do that. If there's no laws broken, they have to leave you alone.

• 23:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 23:42Speaker 00

  And they can't, they can't make anything up. Yeah.

• 23:44Speaker 04

  All shucks, sticking their hands in their pockets, kicking a rock. Got me again.

• 23:49Speaker 00

  And then they walk back to their car and then I go, hey, copper. And then I throw them a can of Liquid Death. It spins through the air. They catch it and they go, hmm. And then open it and take it.

• 23:58Speaker 06

  This is an advert now.

• 23:59Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah. Sometimes I just go into advert.

• 24:01Speaker 04

  Right. And then they are, they are fired because they're, the commissioner of police drives by, sees them drinking a, I think it's a beer.

• 24:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:09Speaker 06

  It goes down the line, right?

• 24:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:11Speaker 06

  Commissioner comes out, gives them a dressing down in front of everyone.

• 24:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:14Speaker 06

  The copper's there taking the dressing down.

• 24:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:16Speaker 06

  But knows they've got an eight in the hole. This is water. The captain's just completely-

• 24:23Speaker 00

  Guttet.

• 24:23Speaker 06

  What? Oh man, I go, oh shucks, hands in the pockets, kicking a rock. Got me again.

• 24:28Speaker 04

  Or he shoots him. That's how we-

• 24:30Speaker 00

  That's a good ad.

• 24:31Speaker 04

  That's how things are solved where I come from.

• 24:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:33Speaker 06

  Yes. I forgot if this is set in America.

• 24:35Speaker 04

  Because the, the police commissioner would think he's a dirty cop.

• 24:39Speaker 06

  Hmm.

• 24:39Speaker 04

  Or he knows I'm a dirty cop. The shield.

• 24:42Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 24:42Speaker 04

  Gotta get rid of him.

• 24:43Speaker 00

  I'm thinking this advert is-

• 24:44Speaker 06

  The TV show The Shield.

• 24:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:46Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 24:47Speaker 00

  This advert is all filmed with like body cam footage as well.

• 24:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, it's one. And it's not released at first.

• 24:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. They have to ruin-

• 24:55Speaker 04

  This is an, this is an advertisement. You have to fight to get released.

• 25:00Speaker 04

  That's three petitions and, yeah.

• 25:02Speaker 06

  And the advert kind of what ends with you as the kind of citizen, your steering wheel.

• 25:08Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 25:08Speaker 06

  Just panicking because a cop has shot another cop.

• 25:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:11Speaker 06

  Going, what the fuck am I gonna, I kiss Christ. And then it just got Liquid Death across the screen.

• 25:16Speaker 00

  So, yeah. Or I like take a glug and that calms me down or something.

• 25:20Speaker 04

  And then the tagline is the, the police captain saying, you didn't see shit.

• 25:25Speaker 00

  Liquid Death, you didn't see shit.

• 25:28Speaker 06

  Yeah, that's good.

• 25:29Speaker 00

  I think, you know, sometimes when we mention products, they send us some, hmm. I don't know if that's gonna happen this time.

• 25:35Speaker 06

  We'll see. If it does.

• 25:36Speaker 04

  You don't think Liquid Death is cool enough to like this commercial we've just come over? Have you looked at the can lately?

• 25:43Speaker 00

  But they do a lime one anyway. They do like a lime seltzer version.

• 25:47Speaker 04

  Oh, do they really?

• 25:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's called like fucking lime or something.

• 25:53Speaker 04

  Lime up your ass.

• 25:58Speaker 06

  Uh, your bread course, you chose hot, fresh sourdough.

• 26:02Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 26:02Speaker 06

  And a dark peasant-y bread is what you said.

• 26:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:06Speaker 06

  And I think we all know what you mean.

• 26:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:09Speaker 06

  And you stand by it. It still sounds nice. Alex Horn, this is what you're having. Someone said you're not having that today.

• 26:13Speaker 04

  Communion wafers?

• 26:16Speaker 06

  I'm genuinely checking if that's in there.

• 26:19Speaker 00

  It's a great guess.

• 26:19Speaker 06

  Okay. It's not in there.

• 26:22Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 26:22Speaker 06

  But I'm smiling for a reason. Anyway.

• 26:24Speaker 00

  Well, that's nice.

• 26:25Speaker 06

  You'll find out what, the reason later.

• 26:27Speaker 00

  Just smiling. Yeah. He's just so happy.

• 26:29Speaker 06

  He's saying I'm smiling for a reason. I'm not an idiot. I'm not smiling for no reason.

• 26:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:34Speaker 06

  And I don't want you to think that.

• 26:36Speaker 04

  You're not touched.

• 26:39Speaker 06

  Okay, you're gonna, we're sending over some mighty white, medium sliced bread with butter, shrimp primula, sliced cheese and gluten, river flavoured and a Biscoff pop tart. It's your bread course.

• 26:53Speaker 04

  There was an ingredient in there, what was the shrimpula? What?

• 26:57Speaker 06

  Shrimp primula. It's a shrimp spread. It's like a-

• 27:00Speaker 04

  Not a shrimp who's been turned into a vampire.

• 27:05Speaker 04

  Shrimp primula?

• 27:07Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 27:07Speaker 00

  I can't believe we've come up with another show. We've come up with two shows, two shows and an advert so far.

• 27:12Speaker 04

  We've almost got a whole hour of programming.

• 27:14Speaker 06

  A shrimp that's been turned into a vampire. So I guess the vampire bit the shrimp.

• 27:17Speaker 04

  Yeah. Doesn't like seafood, man.

• 27:20Speaker 06

  Yeah. Uh, put it back.

• 27:21Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 27:22Speaker 06

  Now the shrimp's a vampire.

• 27:22Speaker 00

  Now the shrimp's a vampire, yeah.

• 27:24Speaker 06

  And lives, I guess it takes place under the sea like SpongeBob, but it's like a-

• 27:29Speaker 00

  But he has to stay under a rock all day.

• 27:31Speaker 04

  It's like a dark SpongeBob.

• 27:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:32Speaker 06

  Yeah. Can't see the sun. Has to go into that dark bit of the ocean.

• 27:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:36Speaker 06

  Where we don't even understand it.

• 27:38Speaker 04

  Oh my God, the fish with the light bulb head.

• 27:40Speaker 00

  Oh, I don't like that.

• 27:41Speaker 04

  Thumbs down. I don't like those guys.

• 27:42Speaker 06

  No one likes those.

• 27:43Speaker 04

  No, see-through skulls and stuff?

• 27:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:45Speaker 04

  Get out of here.

• 27:46Speaker 00

  Awful. Although shrimpula would have to be friends with one of those guys so he can see around in the dark, right?

• 27:50Speaker 06

  Yeah, shrimpula would have to be friends with one of those guys.

• 27:53Speaker 04

  Shrimpula would be forced to be friends with one of those guys.

• 27:56Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 27:57Speaker 04

  Yeah. There's no way around it.

• 27:59Speaker 06

  Probably become everyone's favorite character in the cartoon, one of the, because it's a lot of fun with those guys.

• 28:03Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 28:03Speaker 06

  And like make it like quite an adorable.

• 28:06Speaker 04

  A fun dumb sidekick.

• 28:07Speaker 06

  Spit it so it's not like as psychotic as it looks. It's quite a fun little-

• 28:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 28:12Speaker 06

  Friend to have around. And then everyone would love Bulbo or whatever.

• 28:16Speaker 04

  Just a huge jaw full of razor sharp teeth.

• 28:19Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 28:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:20Speaker 04

  Just black eyes, light bulb head.

• 28:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:23Speaker 04

  But then he's funny.

• 28:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's quite silly.

• 28:26Speaker 04

  He doesn't get things.

• 28:27Speaker 06

  A good listener.

• 28:28Speaker 04

  He's a good listener. He cares.

• 28:30Speaker 06

  Yeah. He cares about shrimpula.

• 28:32Speaker 04

  He's nicer to shrimpula than shrimpula is to him.

• 28:34Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 28:34Speaker 04

  By far.

• 28:35Speaker 06

  Of the shrimp that was for himself.

• 28:37Speaker 04

  So what the fuck is that?

• 28:38Speaker 06

  That's a, it's a, like a prawn.

• 28:41Speaker 00

  Cheese in a tube. This is like spreadable cheese in a tube.

• 28:44Speaker 04

  But-

• 28:44Speaker 00

  Which is primula, but shrimp flavoured.

• 28:46Speaker 06

  Yeah. It's not a best seller.

• 28:48Speaker 04

  Wait, wait, wait. Spreadable cheese in a tube is called primula?

• 28:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:51Speaker 04

  Where does that come from?

• 28:53Speaker 00

  I genuinely don't know.

• 28:54Speaker 04

  Primula?

• 28:55Speaker 00

  Ben, you'll have to Google it.

• 28:56Speaker 06

  You'll have to Google where the word primula even comes from.

• 28:58Speaker 04

  It sounds like a children's medicine, right?

• 29:00Speaker 06

  Yeah. Yeah. That doesn't sound-

• 29:02Speaker 00

  Do you have spreadable cheese in a tube?

• 29:04Speaker 04

  Of course.

• 29:05Speaker 00

  What's it called?

• 29:06Speaker 04

  I dare say we invented it.

• 29:08Speaker 00

  If anyone did.

• 29:09Speaker 06

  Almost certainly. Almost.

• 29:12Speaker 04

  I, I was gonna say Cheese Whiz, but that's a different thing. I can't think of a brand name, but yeah, it's like- It it almost it comes out looking almost like a sort of cake frosting kind of thing.

• 29:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, we we've got Primula. It comes in like it looks like a toothpaste tube, basically, like a big toothpaste tube.

• 29:27Speaker 04

  We've got Primula. Sounds like you would say that to someone on the phone. They they can't come over.

• 29:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:33Speaker 06

  Sorry, we've got Primula.

• 29:33Speaker 04

  We've got Primula.

• 29:35Speaker 00

  We've got.

• 29:36Speaker 06

  We're shielded.

• 29:36Speaker 00

  It actually looks like mad. It looks like a sort of topical cream.

• 29:41Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 29:41Speaker 00

  I would say.

• 29:42Speaker 06

  I think you're right that it sounds like a pharmaceutical thing. Yeah.

• 29:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 29:45Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's not.

• 29:46Speaker 04

  The baby's got the croup.

• 29:48Speaker 06

  The more that we describe it.

• 29:49Speaker 00

  With a rub.

• 29:49Speaker 04

  With a lay on his chest. So he can sleep.

• 29:53Speaker 00

  And you do. You just squeeze it onto bread and spread it out or now and again, I've gone straight to mouth.

• 29:59Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 30:00Speaker 00

  Tube to mouth.

• 30:01Speaker 04

  When I was a young bachelor, I remember realizing I could buy that if I wanted to.

• 30:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:06Speaker 04

  All the things my my mother would say, no, that's garbage.

• 30:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:10Speaker 04

  We're not going to eat that.

• 30:11Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 30:12Speaker 00

  We're like, but I've got money now. I can walk into a shop. I can buy that and squeeze it straight into my mouth.

• 30:16Speaker 04

  That's right.

• 30:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:17Speaker 06

  What was the worst thing you you did that with as a young bachelor?

• 30:21Speaker 04

  Probably I used to buy these. Um, it would be like just a box of microwaveable chicken.

• 30:28Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 30:29Speaker 04

  Banquet banquet chicken it was called. And you would get like eight pieces of chicken.

• 30:34Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 30:35Speaker 04

  And I would make that last almost a week.

• 30:39Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 30:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 30:40Speaker 00

  So some days you're having you're doubling up on the chicken.

• 30:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 30:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:44Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 30:44Speaker 00

  And you're splashing out, but then other days you're just having one piece of chicken.

• 30:47Speaker 04

  That was a time of life where a meal would be something that you would eat all week long, the same thing all week long.

• 30:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 30:52Speaker 04

  Yeah, make a big batch of it. I was when I moved to Los Angeles, I was saved by my mother who would make up her pasta sauce, red sauce, and meatballs and sausages and send that to me frozen. So then I could just buy some spaghetti and heat that up and

• 31:09Speaker 04

  God, it was very much necessary.

• 31:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:11Speaker 04

  It saved me many times.

• 31:13Speaker 06

  You're one of those people who I just imagine their mother is you in a wig.

• 31:16Speaker 04

  Racist. Oh, there's more.

• 31:19Speaker 06

  You're one of those people. Maybe not.

• 31:22Speaker 04

  You're one of those people.

• 31:24Speaker 06

  Yeah, I I can only imagine like when when people talk about their mother and I haven't met their mother. Usually it's just like, I can't, an image doesn't come into my head. But for you, I do just imagine you in a wig.

• 31:39Speaker 04

  I've had this with people.

• 31:40Speaker 06

  That's all I imagine. When you say my mother, I'm like, oh, that's Paul in a wig.

• 31:43Speaker 04

  I've had this exact same thing. There was a TV show called WKRP in Cincinnati, and there was a a character on that show called Les Nessman. And there was an episode where his mother comes to visit and it's just the actor.

• 31:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:55Speaker 04

  You know, made up to look like his own mother. And there was a guy that I knew that when he would talk about his mother, that's exactly what I pictured was him in a wig and lipstick.

• 32:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:05Speaker 04

  Like little glasses.

• 32:06Speaker 06

  Yeah. I think I I can't imagine any member of your family that isn't just you in a different costume.

• 32:12Speaker 04

  Now, do you imagine my mother having a mustache?

• 32:14Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 32:15Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 32:15Speaker 06

  Just you.

• 32:16Speaker 04

  She was Italian. You're racist.

• 32:19Speaker 06

  So it was racist in the end. You're one of those people. I was right.

• 32:22Speaker 04

  Yeah, it ended up being racist.

• 32:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 32:24Speaker 06

  Yeah. Well, I got there in the end.

• 32:27Speaker 00

  James is one of the slowest racists on the planet.

• 32:31Speaker 06

  Yeah, the other racists are very disappointed in me about a time. Every time we have a meeting, okay, Cass, you know what we're gonna say. It's still taking you too long to get to the racism every single time.

• 32:43Speaker 00

  Stop with the small talk.

• 32:44Speaker 06

  Yeah, you gotta stop getting to know these people.

• 32:47Speaker 04

  Taking the long way around.

• 32:48Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 32:49Speaker 04

  Cut to the chase.

• 32:50Speaker 06

  It's so convoluted every single time. There's so many people to be racist to.

• 32:54Speaker 04

  Who do we think the fastest racist on earth is?

• 32:56Speaker 06

  Oh.

• 32:57Speaker 00

  Oh, there's a few. There's a few out there. There's a few speedy speedy lads out there.

• 33:01Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:02Speaker 06

  There's a lot of people at the minute who are vying for that. They should be. They should do a racist Olympics.

• 33:07Speaker 04

  Wouldn't that be lovely?

• 33:08Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 33:10Speaker 04

  To get them all in one place.

• 33:11Speaker 06

  Yeah, he's also got sliced cheese there along with this squeezy cheese. A Biscoff Pop-Tarts. You love Pop-Tarts in America. You love it. You're American.

• 33:19Speaker 00

  You love it.

• 33:20Speaker 04

  You know, I I can't deny that. That's true. Pop-Tarts are very enjoyable. I haven't had one in a while.

• 33:27Speaker 00

  Would you want it as part of your bread course before a meal?

• 33:30Speaker 04

  No.

• 33:30Speaker 00

  No.

• 33:30Speaker 06

  No.

• 33:31Speaker 04

  Because I take the podcast seriously and I'm not here to fuck around.

• 33:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:35Speaker 04

  And be a little devil.

• 33:38Speaker 00

  I think Alex was fucking around a little bit, but also I just think he has no real taste in food and just panics when.

• 33:44Speaker 04

  That makes me sad.

• 33:45Speaker 00

  Because every time, if you're filming Taskmaster with him, you know, they'll come around and say, what what does everyone want for lunch? And he'll, all he wants is whatever the most people are ordering.

• 33:55Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 33:55Speaker 00

  There. So he'll just go.

• 33:56Speaker 04

  This seems like the most correct thing.

• 33:58Speaker 00

  The most correct thing. Yeah, what what everyone else wants is what he wants.

• 34:01Speaker 06

  Alien.

• 34:01Speaker 00

  He's an alien.

• 34:02Speaker 06

  Blending in.

• 34:02Speaker 00

  Totally an alien trying to blend in, isn't it?

• 34:04Speaker 04

  An alien trying to blend in.

• 34:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:05Speaker 06

  That's all it is. And this is like, he's not even trying to be like that weird with it. I think gluten and riboflavin, yeah, he's he's like, that's funny. But everything else, he's like, I would genuinely eat that and I would enjoy it if I was just allowed to eat anything I wanted. I don't know if he had put the shrimp Primula on the Biscoff Pop-Tart. I'm guessing you wouldn't.

• 34:24Speaker 04

  No, this is bleak.

• 34:30Speaker 06

  Well, how about this for a starter then? And I mean.

• 34:33Speaker 04

  I forgot that was just the bread.

• 34:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's just the bread course.

• 34:37Speaker 06

  And then again, just to remind you, you had from Lily Lang trees, you had the cream of celery soup.

• 34:42Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 34:42Speaker 06

  Delicious. Pretty similar.

• 34:44Speaker 04

  I thought it was cream of broccoli. Did I say celery?

• 34:47Speaker 06

  That's what it says here. That's what Benito wrote down.

• 34:51Speaker 00

  Ben, have you been taking information off the Wikipedia, the fan made Wikipedia?

• 34:54Speaker 04

  They changed one thing slightly.

• 34:56Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 34:57Speaker 04

  I bet it was celery. I bet I'm I'm misremembering in my mind.

• 35:00Speaker 06

  Cream of celery. It does sound nice.

• 35:02Speaker 04

  Sounds nice.

• 35:03Speaker 06

  Yeah, keep away. I'd eat that soup.

• 35:05Speaker 04

  Cream of anything, really. I mean, you can't go wrong.

• 35:07Speaker 00

  It's the cream really doing a lot of the heavy lifting, isn't it?

• 35:10Speaker 04

  Let's be honest.

• 35:12Speaker 06

  So, yeah, I don't think this could be more opposite, actually, what he's had. A crisp platter. So that you call them chips in the US, a crisp platter with dips, Jules Watson's pork crackling and one hairless pork scratching.

• 35:29Speaker 06

  It's his starter.

• 35:30Speaker 00

  Pork crackling and one hairless pork scratching. How are you feeling about that?

• 35:33Speaker 04

  What is that? What's his? What's his wordplay there?

• 35:36Speaker 00

  There's no wordplay.

• 35:37Speaker 06

  No wordplay.

• 35:38Speaker 00

  So pork, are you aware of pork crackling, of course?

• 35:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 35:40Speaker 00

  The crackling bit on the side of the pork. Pork scratchings are, you buy them in bags in pubs here.

• 35:45Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 35:46Speaker 00

  It's just bits of fat. It's the same as crackling, but sometimes they have hair still on them.

• 35:51Speaker 04

  Hair, hair?

• 35:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, like pig hair.

• 35:53Speaker 04

  But I mean, do you, does your, does your tongue register it as hair?

• 35:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, it looks like hair. Yeah.

• 35:58Speaker 04

  It looks like it. But when you, when you, what's the sensation of eating?

• 36:01Speaker 06

  I've never tasted the hair.

• 36:02Speaker 04

  It's not like you're chewing. Like when you get a hair caught in your mouth, it doesn't feel like that.

• 36:05Speaker 00

  No, because it's been deep fried. It's been deep fried. So it's a crunchy hair.

• 36:08Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 36:09Speaker 06

  But I'm not gonna eat that.

• 36:09Speaker 00

  But it's still very much a hair.

• 36:11Speaker 04

  I feel like I have eaten it and I didn't.

• 36:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't mind it.

• 36:14Speaker 04

  Because it doesn't say with hair, right?

• 36:16Speaker 00

  No.

• 36:16Speaker 04

  You specified the hairless.

• 36:17Speaker 00

  Sorry, we've only got with hair left.

• 36:19Speaker 06

  Shave it off. I think we I think we said on the episode, shave it off with a razor. Yeah.

• 36:24Speaker 04

  Because do they make them? They make them hairless as well. That's an option.

• 36:28Speaker 00

  I think the aim is hell. The aim is always hairless.

• 36:32Speaker 04

  But sometimes.

• 36:33Speaker 00

  Sometimes.

• 36:34Speaker 04

  They're gonna get in there.

• 36:35Speaker 00

  When you're shaving, when you're shaving a pig, you can't, you can't be really getting every inch.

• 36:40Speaker 06

  Here's a character for you. Pork F. scratchings.

• 36:45Speaker 04

  That's for me.

• 36:46Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 36:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:47Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 36:47Speaker 06

  I think only you could do it.

• 36:48Speaker 04

  Okay. What do you think are the the the sort of characteristics of pork F. scratchings?

• 36:53Speaker 06

  It's you as a pig with eczema.

• 36:55Speaker 00

  He is a pig, yeah.

• 36:59Speaker 00

  I think that would be a charming character for you.

• 37:01Speaker 04

  Really?

• 37:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:02Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 37:02Speaker 04

  You think a character, any character with eczema is a charming character?

• 37:06Speaker 06

  A pig.

• 37:06Speaker 04

  Anything that people want to see?

• 37:07Speaker 06

  A pig, though.

• 37:08Speaker 04

  A pig?

• 37:08Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 37:09Speaker 04

  Yeah, a pig with a skin irritation.

• 37:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:11Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 37:12Speaker 00

  It's you constantly like using your tresses to be like.

• 37:15Speaker 04

  Right.

• 37:16Speaker 00

  Yeah. I mean, it's not a character.

• 37:17Speaker 04

  They don't have a lot of reach.

• 37:19Speaker 00

  Well, that's the worst thing about it.

• 37:21Speaker 04

  That's the worst thing about the charming character.

• 37:23Speaker 06

  You've got to scratch up against stuff like a.

• 37:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:25Speaker 04

  Like a bear.

• 37:26Speaker 06

  Like a bear does, but you're a pig.

• 37:28Speaker 04

  All right, I'll think about it. But look for me at the fridge.

• 37:31Speaker 06

  Job be? I think before we pitch this to studios.

• 37:34Speaker 04

  He's got a job now? Has this guy been through enough?

• 37:36Speaker 06

  Scratchings has got to have a job. I definitely think Pork F. scratchings has a hat.

• 37:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:41Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 37:41Speaker 06

  Dresses like you, but with a hat. I've seen you in hats before.

• 37:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, I wear hats.

• 37:45Speaker 06

  The last time I saw you.

• 37:46Speaker 04

  I was wearing a hat when I saw you yesterday.

• 37:47Speaker 06

  Yeah, so definitely just like dressed like you, but a pig with eczema.

• 37:51Speaker 04

  Little mustache.

• 37:52Speaker 06

  Was what? Yeah, definitely. What was his job?

• 37:57Speaker 04

  I don't know why I'm on the spot here.

• 37:59Speaker 06

  You want to do this character so god damn badly.

• 38:01Speaker 04

  James.

• 38:04Speaker 04

  This is what you do.

• 38:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:06Speaker 04

  This is what you do. You think I'm gonna fall for this? Like you're gonna make it like it was my idea?

• 38:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:12Speaker 04

  Uh-uh. I came ready for you today.

• 38:14Speaker 00

  I'm so glad you've called him on this, Paul.

• 38:15Speaker 06

  Ed thinks he wanted to do.

• 38:16Speaker 04

  You're no better. Because you enable him.

• 38:20Speaker 00

  I'm glad you're back here.

• 38:21Speaker 04

  You like to sit back and watch it.

• 38:24Speaker 06

  Yeah, you enable me.

• 38:26Speaker 00

  I had to step in on that one, though, because this aggressive form of improv that you've invented is not on. Cornering people. Torturing them by making them improvised characters. Yeah.

• 38:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 38:37Speaker 04

  Is this a new thing you've started doing?

• 38:38Speaker 06

  Yeah, cornering people.

• 38:41Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's good. Especially on the podcast. It's funny. It it.

• 38:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:48Speaker 04

  It's good.

• 38:50Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 38:51Speaker 04

  It's good.

• 38:52Speaker 06

  It's good.

• 38:52Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 38:53Speaker 06

  It works a lot of the time. Like, you're just too clever for us.

• 38:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:58Speaker 04

  Well, you, I'm sure you have a lot of.

• 38:59Speaker 06

  I feel like we've let a fox into the hen house.

• 39:01Speaker 04

  Hmm. What a disaster that would be.

• 39:04Speaker 00

  Can you imagine? I don't know why people talk about doing it so much.

• 39:07Speaker 04

  It's, it would be a terrible mess.

• 39:09Speaker 00

  It would end so badly.

• 39:10Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 39:10Speaker 00

  It's like when people are like, oh, let's let a bull into that china shop. I'm like, think it through.

• 39:14Speaker 04

  Yeah, what a weird expression.

• 39:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:15Speaker 04

  Let the bull into the china shop.

• 39:17Speaker 00

  Crazy.

• 39:17Speaker 06

  When does that ever happen?

• 39:18Speaker 00

  Yeah. Keep them separate. I say, keep them separate.

• 39:22Speaker 04

  How do we know the bull is gonna go crazy in there?

• 39:26Speaker 06

  We should, we should do it. We should run the experiment, let a bull into a china shop and just see what happens.

• 39:31Speaker 04

  He might just stand still, like.

• 39:32Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah. Good to be quite confused.

• 39:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 39:36Speaker 00

  Also, when was the last time you saw a china shop?

• 39:39Speaker 04

  It's a very good question. A shop that just sells fine china.

• 39:43Speaker 00

  I think the expression has stopped people opening china shops.

• 39:47Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 39:51Speaker 04

  Even the possibility that it could happen.

• 39:53Speaker 00

  That a bull would be.

• 39:54Speaker 04

  I could be wiped out.

• 39:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:55Speaker 04

  In seconds.

• 39:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:57Speaker 04

  Not worth it.

• 39:58Speaker 00

  It's not worth it to have a china shop.

• 39:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 40:00Speaker 06

  And you're happy that the all this pork crackling and stuff has come to your table?

• 40:03Speaker 04

  Of course not.

• 40:04Speaker 00

  Do you like, do you like?

• 40:06Speaker 04

  This is a dream restaurant. They're just, you know what I mean?

• 40:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:11Speaker 04

  Do you like? These are attainable things in the waking world.

• 40:14Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 40:15Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 40:17Speaker 04

  This is not a big dream.

• 40:19Speaker 00

  Do you like pork pork crackling and?

• 40:21Speaker 04

  I like it. Okay, a little bit goes a long way.

• 40:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:23Speaker 04

  I can eat like three of those before I'm like.

• 40:25Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 40:26Speaker 04

  Basta.

• 40:31Speaker 06

  I've not heard someone say that before. Yeah, that's cool. That is cool. Americans are so cool.

• 40:36Speaker 04

  So cool, blue jeans.

• 40:38Speaker 06

  Oh. Blue jeans, baby.

• 40:40Speaker 00

  Today's episode of the Off Menu podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.

• 40:46Speaker 06

  Ah, man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan. Do you know what I mean?

• 40:52Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofers, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast, but you know what? We very rarely talk about where we want to eat this dream meal.

• 41:12Speaker 06

  Sure, yeah, I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the setting, the vibe. And Cozy's modular customizable furniture for the whole home does just that.

• 41:22Speaker 00

  And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room. And I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful cozy table, linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James, you're a mucky pup.

• 41:44Speaker 06

  I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the Cozy furniture?

• 41:47Speaker 00

  No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs, you telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere. Don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.

• 41:59Speaker 06

  Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?

• 42:03Speaker 00

  Absolutely. That's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles, and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well. And that's where Cozy comes in.

• 42:19Speaker 06

  And because it's cozy, the furniture isn't just good looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers, and free design consultations, if you want help making the whole room work.

• 42:31Speaker 00

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• 42:37Speaker 06

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• 42:46Speaker 01

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• 43:16Speaker 03

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• 43:17Speaker 02

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• 43:46Speaker 04

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• 43:56Speaker 06

  Main course, you had a lovely vico tony, arrobiata, beef and ragu sauce with some spice. There's a bit of spice in there. Similar, this one, penne pasta.

• 44:08Speaker 04

  Okay, normal.

• 44:10Speaker 06

  With pesto, borsa, frankfurter, and cheddar.

• 44:13Speaker 04

  Like cut up hot dogs?

• 44:14Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 44:17Speaker 06

  That's like your beef, your beef and yours.

• 44:19Speaker 04

  Is he, is he an alien, or is this a big situation? Where he's a little boy in an adult's body?

• 44:26Speaker 00

  I thought you meant just a big situation, which if he was an alien.

• 44:29Speaker 04

  He's a whole big situation.

• 44:32Speaker 06

  Mr. President, we got a big situation.

• 44:35Speaker 00

  There's an alien on earth. This is a big situation.

• 44:38Speaker 06

  Big situation, drop what you're doing. Stop talking to the cast of Ted Lasso.

• 44:41Speaker 04

  So it's penne.

• 44:45Speaker 04

  It's penne pasta. I'm not a big penne guy. I think it's a little too earthy for me, the pine sort of flavor, you know?

• 44:56Speaker 06

  The pesto.

• 44:56Speaker 04

  Oh, pesto, pesto, yes. Did he say pesto or no?

• 44:59Speaker 00

  He did say pesto.

• 45:00Speaker 04

  That's what I meant. Pesto is a bit too much for me.

• 45:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, there's pine nuts and parmesan and basil.

• 45:06Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 45:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:07Speaker 04

  I mean, I like some spices, but pesto is not my fave.

• 45:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:10Speaker 06

  It sticks around.

• 45:11Speaker 04

  It sticks around.

• 45:12Speaker 06

  You have it, and then for the rest of the day, you're tasting it.

• 45:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 45:16Speaker 06

  It's not going anywhere.

• 45:17Speaker 04

  It's also not as satisfying to me as a rich red sauce. And I prefer a red sauce to a cream sauce.

• 45:23Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 45:23Speaker 04

  I'm not gonna, hey, I'm not gonna turn down a cream sauce.

• 45:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, who would?

• 45:26Speaker 04

  No, don't get me wrong. But I love a red sauce. Okay, so penne pasta, pesto, he's just going for a lager.

• 45:33Speaker 06

  Borsa.

• 45:34Speaker 04

  What?

• 45:35Speaker 06

  Borsa.

• 45:36Speaker 04

  What's that?

• 45:37Speaker 00

  We're back in the cheese territory. It's like a spreadable.

• 45:42Speaker 06

  You can't spread it.

• 45:43Speaker 04

  Not again.

• 45:43Speaker 00

  It comes in like a little puck in like, in like foil. It's like cream cheese, but a little bit, a little bit more crumbly. And they do like a garlic and herb one. It's nice. It's way nicer than Primula.

• 45:54Speaker 06

  It's nice.

• 45:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:55Speaker 04

  It would have to be.

• 45:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:56Speaker 06

  Yeah. So I guess it would just be put in the pasta and melt in there with everything. My memory of this is that he did just kind of, he's not had this. He's not eaten this.

• 46:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:05Speaker 06

  It was something that he just thought that would be good.

• 46:07Speaker 00

  Came up with on the spot.

• 46:08Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 46:09Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 46:09Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 46:10Speaker 06

  Frankfurter and cheddar.

• 46:11Speaker 04

  Cut up hot dogs and cheddar cheese. So not, so two types of cheese.

• 46:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:16Speaker 04

  Why stop at two?

• 46:17Speaker 00

  And there's parmesan, there's parmesan in the pesto as well. So there's actually three types of cheese in there.

• 46:22Speaker 04

  I take it all back. This sounds delicious.

• 46:24Speaker 00

  And then Primula, obviously, in the starters.

• 46:26Speaker 06

  But you'd have to, I mean, yeah.

• 46:28Speaker 04

  I mean, the, the concept of the, the cut up hot dogs, I think, works with like a macaroni and cheese. If you wanna, if you wanna have like a sort of grown up kid's meal.

• 46:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:40Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 46:41Speaker 04

  But not a pasta, I don't think so.

• 46:44Speaker 00

  It's really interesting what you say about Alex being in a big situation, because it does make sense. Because of like, he wears clothes that are like, they've just been like Hawaiian shirts that have just been bought for him. And he very much looks like a 14 year old going to his first like, school dance where they can all wear their own clothes, you know?

• 47:00Speaker 06

  Is that how old you think he is? 14, really?

• 47:03Speaker 04

  Based on this meal?

• 47:04Speaker 06

  Hmm.

• 47:05Speaker 04

  So far?

• 47:06Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 47:06Speaker 04

  Seven.

• 47:07Speaker 06

  Seven, yeah. Yeah, that's fair enough.

• 47:10Speaker 00

  Do we think that's gonna change?

• 47:12Speaker 06

  No.

• 47:12Speaker 00

  No.

• 47:13Speaker 06

  He's not gonna get any older.

• 47:14Speaker 00

  There's quite a lot more, there's quite a lot more for Maine, isn't there? Because this was a Christmas episode as well, we should say.

• 47:19Speaker 04

  Oh dear, so it's a big feast.

• 47:21Speaker 06

  You're actually getting quite a lot. There's a second Maine. So he introduced this. It's the only time we've let someone do this hack. He's got a Jamie Oliver pork roll.

• 47:32Speaker 04

  That you would get in the market?

• 47:34Speaker 00

  So it was, I think, from a Jamie Oliver branded place, maybe at a service station. It was like a pork, a hot pork roll, like bread roll with pork in it. Has Jamie Oliver made it over to your side of the pond?

• 47:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, of course.

• 47:48Speaker 06

  And how, how's he gone down over there?

• 47:50Speaker 04

  Uh, I think he had a TV show where I think there was some pushback because he was trying to get people to eat healthy. And people were not interested in that, to see that on television.

• 48:02Speaker 06

  He was met with that here as well.

• 48:03Speaker 00

  Yes. That was very much the reaction here.

• 48:07Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 48:07Speaker 00

  To him trying to make children eat healthier.

• 48:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 48:10Speaker 00

  Was there was a lot of pushback from the parents of the very same children who were rotting inside.

• 48:14Speaker 06

  Those children have grown up and hate him.

• 48:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:17Speaker 06

  None of them have grown up and gone, actually, that guy, looking back, that was good. That whole generation hates his guts.

• 48:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:27Speaker 06

  He was trying to do a good thing.

• 48:28Speaker 04

  That's really what I think.

• 48:30Speaker 06

  They hate him.

• 48:32Speaker 04

  They hate him on sight.

• 48:33Speaker 06

  Yeah. They all hate him. He's moving their lives.

• 48:37Speaker 00

  He took away their turkey twizzlers.

• 48:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 48:40Speaker 00

  The big thing was the turkey twizzlers that they all wanted.

• 48:42Speaker 04

  What is a turkey twizzler?

• 48:43Speaker 00

  So it's like something they used to serve in schools. So it's like reconstituted turkey. So there's barely any turkey in it, but just like fake meat, basically.

• 48:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 48:51Speaker 00

  But in a like spring formation, and then like in a, in a sweet sauce. So it's like in a.

• 48:58Speaker 04

  In a sweet sauce?

• 48:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, like a sort of, you know, like a barbecuey type sauce, I think. So it's like, but the, the key for the twizzle is the spring formation.

• 49:06Speaker 04

  Of course, of course. It wouldn't be called that otherwise.

• 49:09Speaker 00

  No, exactly.

• 49:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:10Speaker 00

  It's like corkscrew, like corkscrew or a pig's, a pig's penis.

• 49:13Speaker 04

  Yeah, okay. I know what a corkscrew is.

• 49:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:17Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 49:18Speaker 04

  I didn't need reference for that, corkscrew. Oh, like pig's penis.

• 49:21Speaker 00

  I just thought that would give you some more, um, some more inspiration for pork calf scratchings.

• 49:25Speaker 06

  Yeah, with a little corkscrew dick.

• 49:28Speaker 04

  What if he has a penis shaped like a bottle opener?

• 49:31Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. That's what sets him apart.

• 49:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:34Speaker 06

  That'd be a good visual gag in the first episode.

• 49:36Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 49:37Speaker 06

  All the other pigs opening bottles of wine.

• 49:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:41Speaker 06

  And then he's cracking open a beer with his.

• 49:43Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, maybe no one wants to talk to him because he's always scratching his eczema.

• 49:49Speaker 04

  Yeah, for sure.

• 49:50Speaker 00

  And then the end is he goes to the party and everyone's like, how can I open my beer? And then he pulls his trousers down.

• 49:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:58Speaker 04

  And do you think he, he? Comes every time?

• 50:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:01Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 50:02Speaker 04

  Every time a bottle is opened.

• 50:03Speaker 00

  That's the great tragedy.

• 50:04Speaker 06

  Yeah, every single time.

• 50:05Speaker 04

  That's the great tragedy. Of pork and scat.

• 50:09Speaker 06

  They're like, hey, pork and scat, we've got a six pack of beer here. We've got to open them, whip it out. He's like, oh, six? Oh, guys, I don't know.

• 50:18Speaker 00

  Have you guys got about four hours?

• 50:20Speaker 04

  I feel like this is a character you could play. That was not bad.

• 50:23Speaker 06

  That's good.

• 50:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:24Speaker 06

  Him, like, the dread setting in that you don't have to come six times.

• 50:27Speaker 04

  Like the face and everything, but of course he's gonna do it because he wants to be popular.

• 50:30Speaker 06

  He wants to be popular.

• 50:31Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:32Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 50:32Speaker 04

  You guys have had all these bachelor parties.

• 50:34Speaker 06

  But if I'm playing it, I'm gonna have.

• 50:35Speaker 04

  Stag do's, excuse me.

• 50:37Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 50:38Speaker 06

  You were a bachelor.

• 50:39Speaker 04

  I was. I was.

• 50:42Speaker 06

  Went to many a party, I imagine.

• 50:43Speaker 04

  Of course.

• 50:44Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 50:45Speaker 04

  We used to have bachelor parties all the time.

• 50:46Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 50:48Speaker 04

  Nobody needed to get married.

• 50:49Speaker 06

  No, constantly.

• 50:50Speaker 00

  No, any party's a bachelor party when you're a partying bachelor.

• 50:54Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:55Speaker 04

  No married men allowed.

• 50:56Speaker 06

  Who's the worst married man you know?

• 50:59Speaker 04

  It's the devil married.

• 51:02Speaker 00

  Good question, actually.

• 51:03Speaker 06

  To his job. He's married to his work.

• 51:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:06Speaker 04

  He does work a lot.

• 51:07Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 51:08Speaker 04

  He's always on the job.

• 51:09Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 51:09Speaker 00

  Always looking out for idle hands.

• 51:11Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:11Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah, tempting people.

• 51:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:13Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 51:14Speaker 00

  He can't hold a relationship, Dan.

• 51:16Speaker 04

  He's dumb when you think about it.

• 51:18Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 51:20Speaker 04

  What, what is it? He wastes his time going around trying to get little kids to lie or steal a candy bar or something?

• 51:25Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 51:25Speaker 04

  What? You're the prince of darkness.

• 51:28Speaker 00

  But it's wild, like, his day must be so varied, because it's like, make a kid steal a candy bar.

• 51:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:33Speaker 00

  Or make someone, like.

• 51:34Speaker 04

  Commit murder.

• 51:35Speaker 00

  Commit murder.

• 51:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:36Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 51:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:37Speaker 00

  And does he just, does he just flip between the two things?

• 51:40Speaker 04

  Well, it's also, you know, making people cheat on their spouses, you know, things like that. Look at pornography.

• 51:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:48Speaker 06

  Yeah, think about pornography.

• 51:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:49Speaker 04

  Think about pornography.

• 51:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:50Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 51:51Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 51:51Speaker 06

  Sometimes it gets them with that.

• 51:52Speaker 04

  And yet, we still persist.

• 51:56Speaker 04

  It's a tribute to us, really.

• 51:57Speaker 00

  Gluttony, is he still doing that?

• 51:59Speaker 04

  Does he do that, or is that just something that we do?

• 52:02Speaker 00

  No, but that's a sin, right?

• 52:03Speaker 04

  It is a sin.

• 52:04Speaker 00

  He's sticking to the seven deadly sins.

• 52:05Speaker 04

  But I don't know if he, if he really, if for some reason it doesn't seem to me that he is, like, whispering in someone's ear, eat more of that.

• 52:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:16Speaker 04

  Cause he's. I feel like that one's on us.

• 52:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:18Speaker 04

  That was firmly on us.

• 52:19Speaker 06

  Oh, this fucking devil's making me.

• 52:22Speaker 04

  Is he really?

• 52:23Speaker 06

  It was the devil. That's with little Christian kids who were so Christian, just like, trying to get out of trouble, but said it was the devil. That really makes me laugh.

• 52:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:32Speaker 06

  Love it.

• 52:34Speaker 00

  The devil made me do it.

• 52:35Speaker 06

  I love it.

• 52:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:35Speaker 04

  I was very scared of the devil when I was a kid.

• 52:38Speaker 06

  Yeah, me too.

• 52:38Speaker 04

  Catholic.

• 52:39Speaker 06

  I was scared.

• 52:40Speaker 04

  Terrifying. And to this day, horror movies, I can watch any horror movie, but if it has a devil element, it will be ten times scarier for me.

• 52:49Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 52:49Speaker 04

  Even though I don't believe it.

• 52:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:50Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 52:51Speaker 04

  That's just in there.

• 52:52Speaker 06

  My parents now don't, they're still Christian, but they don't believe in hell. And I think maybe it's because, and my mum listens to this podcast, she'll have to verify it with me, but I think I had so many questions about hell as a kid that at some point she went, yeah, this doesn't make sense.

• 53:06Speaker 04

  Yeah. It really doesn't.

• 53:08Speaker 06

  I don't believe in that anymore, okay? You got me. Your questions are insane.

• 53:11Speaker 04

  At least Catholics have purgatory. Where you go to hell for a little, it's a little mini hell.

• 53:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:17Speaker 04

  But you can get out of it.

• 53:18Speaker 00

  It's like the admin area, isn't it?

• 53:20Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:20Speaker 00

  It's like the processing plant.

• 53:22Speaker 04

  When I was a kid, I used to think it was more like a sort of waiting room kind of thing.

• 53:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's what I thought it was.

• 53:26Speaker 04

  But it's not.

• 53:27Speaker 00

  Is it not?

• 53:27Speaker 04

  No, you atone for your sins.

• 53:29Speaker 00

  Oh, I thought it was like a blank room.

• 53:31Speaker 04

  Nope.

• 53:31Speaker 00

  That's what I always thought.

• 53:32Speaker 04

  Limbo.

• 53:32Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 53:33Speaker 04

  Limbo is where the unbaptized babies would go.

• 53:35Speaker 00

  But limbo sounds so fun.

• 53:37Speaker 04

  It does fun. It's, it does sound fun.

• 53:38Speaker 06

  All the dry babies.

• 53:39Speaker 04

  Problem is, it's for people who are not baptized.

• 53:41Speaker 00

  Unbaptized babies.

• 53:42Speaker 06

  So dry.

• 53:43Speaker 00

  How low?

• 53:44Speaker 04

  But they can't walk, so they can't, if you can't walk, you can't limbo.

• 53:47Speaker 06

  They can slide under the limbo pretty easily.

• 53:50Speaker 04

  By accident. I don't think they intentionally are going under the. Well, who's doing that?

• 53:55Speaker 00

  It's the devil bowling babies under the limbo.

• 53:57Speaker 06

  Just sliding them like.

• 53:58Speaker 04

  He shouldn't be allowed in there.

• 53:59Speaker 06

  It's like curling with the broom.

• 54:01Speaker 04

  They only recently, like, within, it was Pope Francis said, we're not doing limbo anymore.

• 54:05Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, really? Well, all those other popes could have shut it down.

• 54:09Speaker 04

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was like an oversight, like, oh, oh, shit.

• 54:13Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 54:13Speaker 04

  There's, I forgot about this. Yeah, that's not a thing.

• 54:15Speaker 00

  Did he say it's not a thing, or was he like, we've closed that for now?

• 54:20Speaker 04

  No, he said it's not, there, there, there is no.

• 54:22Speaker 00

  There's never been a limbo.

• 54:23Speaker 04

  Of course, of course, a baby, even unbaptized, would go straight to heaven, if there's a heaven.

• 54:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:28Speaker 04

  Why would you make a baby hang out? It's not the baby's fault.

• 54:32Speaker 00

  But I just like the idea the pope was like, there was one.

• 54:35Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:35Speaker 00

  But I've had a word and we've, we've shut it down now.

• 54:38Speaker 04

  Yes, we have, we have ceased operations.

• 54:41Speaker 00

  Yeah. The babies are going straight to heaven.

• 54:43Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 54:43Speaker 06

  I mean, that, I feel at that point, the pope may as well just say this is all made up. I think at that point, you've got to just go.

• 54:50Speaker 04

  I, probably another 500 years, we'll get there.

• 54:53Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 54:53Speaker 04

  We'll dismantle these, these things one by one.

• 54:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:57Speaker 04

  500 years from now, there's no hell. God wouldn't do that.

• 54:59Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 55:00Speaker 04

  Wait another five, probably, probably another thousand years to say there's no heaven.

• 55:04Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 55:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:05Speaker 06

  Yeah, bit by bit. But they would still keep the church going.

• 55:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, for fun.

• 55:08Speaker 06

  For the whole thing.

• 55:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:09Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 55:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 55:10Speaker 00

  What a badass pope that's gonna be.

• 55:12Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 55:12Speaker 00

  He was like, this is all made up.

• 55:15Speaker 04

  And you know what? This hat is dumb.

• 55:18Speaker 06

  Your main course isn't ending there, by the way. You've got the pork roll, you've got the penne pasta with all the stuff, but obviously it's Christmas dinner as well, so you're getting bucks fizz, turkey with all the trimmings, and then you are playing the pineapple game and you are getting some after eights. So.

• 55:33Speaker 04

  What's the pineapple game?

• 55:35Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 55:35Speaker 04

  After eights, of course, I know.

• 55:36Speaker 06

  Yeah, that'll always be your first question. This is, this is a tradition in Alex's house.

• 55:40Speaker 04

  Oh, only in his house, great.

• 55:41Speaker 06

  Genuine thing, and he sent me a photo of it on Christmas Day to prove that it is real, where his family get a pineapple, and they all look at the pineapple, and they have to all guess how many leaves are on the pineapple. And then Alex's father, I believe, plucks all the leaves off one by one, and they count how many leaves on it, and whoever got it closest wins the pineapple game. As far as I'm aware, there's no prize.

• 56:04Speaker 04

  Just a bald pineapple, I guess.

• 56:05Speaker 06

  There's just a bald pineapple at the end and whoever, so you're gonna play that with, who would you like to play the pineapple game with?

• 56:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:11Speaker 06

  And it doesn't have to be your family.

• 56:13Speaker 04

  Obviously Martin Luther King Jr.

• 56:15Speaker 06

  Paul Scheer.

• 56:17Speaker 04

  Jesus Christ, Leonardo da Vinci, William Shakespeare.

• 56:22Speaker 06

  Paul Scheer.

• 56:22Speaker 04

  Who? Paul Scheer. Sure, throw it in there.

• 56:27Speaker 00

  He was the next name coming anyway, right? In that list of people.

• 56:30Speaker 04

  In that list?

• 56:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 56:32Speaker 04

  No, I always list them in order.

• 56:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:33Speaker 04

  I say order every time.

• 56:36Speaker 00

  Martin Luther King Jr. Gandhi, Shakespeare.

• 56:39Speaker 04

  Mary Magdalene.

• 56:43Speaker 04

  How could this game possibly have started?

• 56:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:46Speaker 04

  How boring is this family? Where they're sitting around, I picture them sitting around in silence.

• 56:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:52Speaker 04

  Some neighbor has given them a pineapple. They've never seen one before in their lives. It's the most exotic thing they can imagine.

• 56:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:59Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 56:59Speaker 04

  It's sitting on the table. Somebody says, breaks the crushing silence by saying, boy, a lot of leaves.

• 57:09Speaker 00

  How many leaves would you imagine would be on a pineapple?

• 57:11Speaker 04

  Come on!

• 57:13Speaker 00

  But I think it's more than you think.

• 57:14Speaker 04

  Ten?

• 57:15Speaker 00

  It's way more than that, I think.

• 57:16Speaker 04

  It's way more than that?

• 57:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:18Speaker 06

  Yeah, he, he, he sent me a thing, and I, I, I sent my guests back, and whatever, whatever it was, this is my Christmas, and whatever the answer was, I couldn't believe it. It was so many leaves.

• 57:30Speaker 00

  If you think it's a sad Christmas playing the pineapple game, imagine spending your Christmas playing the pineapple game by text message.

• 57:35Speaker 06

  Remotely.

• 57:39Speaker 04

  I, I hate to say this, but I am sort of intrigued by it.

• 57:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, there you go.

• 57:42Speaker 04

  Now I'm thinking about it.

• 57:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:44Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 57:44Speaker 00

  And also Alex is obviously obsessed with pineapples anyway. They feature in Taskmaster a lot. They're, they're very much a sort of recurring motif.

• 57:50Speaker 04

  It's very true.

• 57:51Speaker 00

  Within the Taskmaster cinematic universe.

• 57:52Speaker 04

  It's also, it's also a symbol in the swingers community.

• 57:56Speaker 00

  It is, yeah. Is it a pineapple or an upside down pineapple?

• 57:59Speaker 04

  I believe it's an upside down pineapple.

• 58:01Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 58:01Speaker 06

  Cause it's 69 in.

• 58:02Speaker 04

  Means come on in.

• 58:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:04Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 58:05Speaker 00

  Not because of 69 in, no.

• 58:06Speaker 04

  Regular pineapple, just letting you know.

• 58:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:08Speaker 06

  Oh, there is a prize.

• 58:09Speaker 04

  There's some stuff going on in here, but not for you.

• 58:12Speaker 06

  Sorry, there is a prize to the pineapple game. Everyone puts in 20p.

• 58:18Speaker 06

  But now everyone puts in a pound. It's gone up.

• 58:20Speaker 04

  I should hope so.

• 58:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 58:21Speaker 04

  That's adorable. It's kind of adorable.

• 58:22Speaker 06

  It used to be 20p.

• 58:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:24Speaker 00

  I just think, I don't know who looks at a pineapple and goes, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go in that room if there's an upside down pineapple, because it happens on cruise ships a lot, right?

• 58:31Speaker 04

  Oh, you know who does it? Creeps.

• 58:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, oh, right.

• 58:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 58:34Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 58:35Speaker 06

  Horny creeps.

• 58:35Speaker 00

  I thought you were gonna name someone then.

• 58:37Speaker 04

  Is there any other kind?

• 58:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:41Speaker 04

  There, you could be horny, you can be a creep. If you're a creep, you're always horny.

• 58:45Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 58:46Speaker 00

  But not all horny people are creep.

• 58:47Speaker 04

  Not all horny people are creep.

• 58:48Speaker 06

  Yeah, no.

• 58:50Speaker 00

  I can't, you're right. I can't imagine someone who's creepy and then being like, I'm not turned on right now.

• 58:56Speaker 06

  Hmm.

• 58:56Speaker 00

  I'm not horny. I'm not interested in you sexually.

• 58:59Speaker 06

  I would actually say, if there was an orgy going on.

• 59:02Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 59:02Speaker 06

  Hmm. And there was someone in the middle of the room just hanging out and they're not horny, they are the creep to me.

• 59:08Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 59:08Speaker 06

  I'd say that, well, who's that creep? Just standing there eating a pancake or whatever.

• 59:12Speaker 04

  I would, well, eating a pancake, yes, that's a creep.

• 59:16Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 59:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:16Speaker 04

  Eating a pancake, well. Everybody's having an orgy? Knife and fork or just, just in the hand?

• 59:23Speaker 06

  With the hand, like the words, out of the packet.

• 59:25Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 59:26Speaker 06

  Pancakes. They're just eating a pancake.

• 59:28Speaker 00

  Then what? Are they just, are they watching or are they?

• 59:31Speaker 06

  No, they're not even bothered. It's like, they may as well not be at an orgy, but they're just there hanging out amongst it. I would say that's the creep.

• 59:37Speaker 04

  If they're not watching, I wouldn't call that a creep.

• 59:39Speaker 06

  I'd say that's creep. What are you doing at the orgy?

• 59:41Speaker 04

  I'd say it's more weird. It's definitely strange.

• 59:45Speaker 06

  Yes.

• 59:45Speaker 04

  But if you're not watching the orgy while you're eating the pancake.

• 59:48Speaker 00

  I don't think you're a creep.

• 59:49Speaker 04

  I don't think you're a creep.

• 59:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think you're mad.

• 59:51Speaker 04

  You're more perplexing. Like, why are you here?

• 59:53Speaker 06

  Eccentric.

• 59:54Speaker 00

  One of the guys having the orgy can shout, hey, don't you hate it when you go to a pancake restaurant and someone builds an orgy around you? That'd be good.

• 1:00:02Speaker 06

  That's a heckle put down.

• 1:00:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:04Speaker 04

  I'd be a little annoyed if I was in that orgy and that guy took the time to heckle the pancake guy.

• 1:00:09Speaker 00

  You've got to mention the pancake.

• 1:00:10Speaker 04

  Like, hey, man, we're doing something here.

• 1:00:15Speaker 04

  Be present.

• 1:00:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:16Speaker 04

  Be present.

• 1:00:18Speaker 06

  Honestly, I wouldn't want to kind of like, if I went to an orgy, like, I wouldn't want to see anyone that I knew.

• 1:00:23Speaker 04

  Oh, no, absolutely. That's why you wear the masks.

• 1:00:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:25Speaker 06

  I got to wear the mask.

• 1:00:26Speaker 04

  Fidelio, I think that having somebody stand there watching makes me think of a sort of lifeguard, which I think would not be a bad idea.

• 1:00:36Speaker 06

  On a high chair?

• 1:00:37Speaker 04

  Yeah, just making sure everybody's okay.

• 1:00:39Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:00:39Speaker 04

  Because you know people are going to try shit that they've never done before.

• 1:00:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:42Speaker 04

  They're going to get acrobatic and it's going to end badly because they're all middle aged. They are not hot, young people.

• 1:00:51Speaker 04

  They are all people you don't want to see in an orgy.

• 1:00:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Everyone's back is gone by the end of that thing. I love that. An orgy lifeguard.

• 1:00:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:00:59Speaker 06

  Yeah, fantastic. Who would you least like to see at an orgy if you're there?

• 1:01:04Speaker 00

  Is it the same list?

• 1:01:04Speaker 04

  Besides you?

• 1:01:05Speaker 06

  Besides me?

• 1:01:07Speaker 00

  Is it the same list as the pineapple game?

• 1:01:09Speaker 04

  Leonardo da Vinci, Jesus the Christ, Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa.

• 1:01:18Speaker 06

  Paul Sheer.

• 1:01:19Speaker 04

  Paul Sheer.

• 1:01:28Speaker 06

  Now, get this. This is why I was smiling earlier.

• 1:01:30Speaker 04

  Get this!

• 1:01:31Speaker 06

  Side dish, a couple of nice and spicy communion wafers.

• 1:01:37Speaker 00

  Wowee.

• 1:01:38Speaker 06

  You!

• 1:01:39Speaker 00

  You called it.

• 1:01:39Speaker 06

  Called it earlier.

• 1:01:41Speaker 04

  I've never been more disappointed, to be real.

• 1:01:45Speaker 06

  Amazing, though, right? You predicted communion wafers.

• 1:01:48Speaker 04

  Do you think it's because we both have gaps in our teeth that we are somehow connected psychically?

• 1:01:54Speaker 00

  Maybe. I don't know Alex's sort of religious upbringing, whether he had a Catholic upbringing as well.

• 1:01:59Speaker 06

  I don't think he did because he had to ask a lot about what communion wafers were before putting them on his menu.

• 1:02:04Speaker 04

  Well, then that's very disrespectful.

• 1:02:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:07Speaker 06

  He thinks they were.

• 1:02:07Speaker 04

  If I joke about it, it's one thing.

• 1:02:09Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:02:10Speaker 00

  Did you like a communion wafer growing up?

• 1:02:12Speaker 04

  It was terrible.

• 1:02:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:13Speaker 04

  It was so bad. And it was, the whole thing surrounding it, what was great about communion was it was a break and it was something new to do instead of just sitting there and listening and, or kneeling, sitting back down, standing up, whatever. You get up, you get in a line and all that, and there's a ceremony. I loved the ceremony of Catholicism. That I really loved. All the, the robes and everything, loved all of that.

• 1:02:39Speaker 00

  The swinging, the swinging guy?

• 1:02:41Speaker 04

  Oh, are you kidding me? When they break out the incense, when they do the holy water, all of that.

• 1:02:48Speaker 00

  The smell is great.

• 1:02:49Speaker 04

  The smell is great.

• 1:02:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:50Speaker 04

  I chase that smell in everything.

• 1:02:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:52Speaker 04

  In like cologne, soap, whatever. I'm always trying to find that smell.

• 1:02:55Speaker 00

  This can, I think you can get a can.

• 1:02:56Speaker 04

  Yes, and I have.

• 1:02:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:58Speaker 04

  And let me tell you, it's very funny to get on a list of, the mailing list of a Catholic goods store.

• 1:03:06Speaker 04

  The things you're very excited about, all the feast days and stuff like that.

• 1:03:09Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:03:10Speaker 00

  All you want is the smell.

• 1:03:12Speaker 04

  Yeah. It's St. Thomas Aquinas Day. You know what that means? Savings.

• 1:03:19Speaker 04

  Uh, I grew up around the time when they were making the transition of you could either have it fed to you in your mouth or you could have it placed in your hand and then you could put it in yourself. And so I'd mix it up. I'd do one one week, one the other. But the, the, the host itself tasted, it was so bad. And purposely, it's supposed to be bland, it's unleavened bread.

• 1:03:40Speaker 00

  It's supposed to be a guy's body. They don't want to get you into eating flesh, human flesh, right?

• 1:03:45Speaker 04

  That's true.

• 1:03:46Speaker 00

  So imagine if it was delicious.

• 1:03:47Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:03:48Speaker 00

  Next thing you know.

• 1:03:49Speaker 04

  But that guy's, yeah, tastes good too.

• 1:03:52Speaker 04

  It would get stuck to the roof of your mouth, was really terrible.

• 1:03:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:54Speaker 04

  Because of the, whatever it's, you know, it's very thin and so it gets stuck there and that's, and you weren't supposed to touch it.

• 1:04:01Speaker 00

  You're not supposed to touch it.

• 1:04:01Speaker 04

  No, because it's holy.

• 1:04:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:03Speaker 04

  So you can't like, get in there and scrape it off.

• 1:04:07Speaker 00

  Are you not touching something that's in your mouth? I'd say if something's in your mouth, you're touching it.

• 1:04:11Speaker 04

  I guess it's touching you. I don't think of my mouth as something that touches things.

• 1:04:15Speaker 06

  Yeah. If I said to someone, touch me, and they touch me with the roof of their mouth, I, I, I, yeah.

• 1:04:22Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:04:22Speaker 06

  I wouldn't be happy about that.

• 1:04:23Speaker 04

  Yeah. Hold my hand.

• 1:04:25Speaker 00

  But I think it's the same, to me, it's the same difference.

• 1:04:28Speaker 04

  Yeah, I know. That doesn't mean you're right.

• 1:04:30Speaker 00

  Touching something, if you're touching something and that's disrespectful.

• 1:04:35Speaker 04

  It's an amazing argument. To me, it's the same difference.

• 1:04:39Speaker 00

  But you're not understanding, I think this.

• 1:04:41Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:04:42Speaker 04

  Here's what you don't get.

• 1:04:43Speaker 00

  So listen, I think this.

• 1:04:46Speaker 06

  I know that you pushed back against this earlier, but to be clear, this is what Ed thinks.

• 1:04:52Speaker 00

  But is it because it's holy, so you can't touch it with your hands?

• 1:04:54Speaker 04

  Yes, that was the idea.

• 1:04:55Speaker 00

  So why is it, so why if it's in your mouth, is that any more respectful than touching it with your hands?

• 1:05:00Speaker 04

  Because that's the intended purpose.

• 1:05:01Speaker 00

  Hmm, that's a good point.

• 1:05:03Speaker 04

  Yeah. That wasn't your idea. That was their idea.

• 1:05:07Speaker 00

  I do see what I've done there.

• 1:05:09Speaker 04

  It's probably, when I think about it, it's probably they didn't want to see kids, you know, doing that.

• 1:05:13Speaker 00

  Just picking up.

• 1:05:14Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:05:15Speaker 06

  They'll see that all day.

• 1:05:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:05:17Speaker 06

  I imagine that when you had the, you know, the weeks where you thought, I'd like it put in my mouth. It'd be very tempting for the priest.

• 1:05:28Speaker 04

  Priest, do they call it?

• 1:05:31Speaker 06

  When you've got a gap in your front teeth, I would want to put that wafer in like a slot machine, like a coin.

• 1:05:37Speaker 04

  Not something that thin because it would feel, you would be afraid that it would like, sort of feel like it was cutting you, the roof of your mouth.

• 1:05:44Speaker 06

  But if I was the priest, I'd be like, I want to.

• 1:05:46Speaker 04

  Oh, if you were the priest?

• 1:05:47Speaker 06

  Yeah. If you, if you, if you were like, put it in my mouth.

• 1:05:50Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:51Speaker 06

  I would be so tempted because you're going down the line, boring, boring, boring. Then the kid with a gap is there.

• 1:05:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:06:00Speaker 06

  I would really want to just put it through.

• 1:06:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:06:03Speaker 00

  And then pull your arm.

• 1:06:03Speaker 06

  Vertically.

• 1:06:04Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:06:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:05Speaker 04

  And then spit out like a million hosts.

• 1:06:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, your, your eyes roll around, ding, ding, ding.

• 1:06:09Speaker 04

  And they'll fall on the floor and then it's like, no!

• 1:06:12Speaker 06

  That's what I'd want to do.

• 1:06:14Speaker 04

  Sure. Priests are so fun.

• 1:06:16Speaker 06

  They're fun.

• 1:06:18Speaker 00

  They're fun, guys.

• 1:06:19Speaker 04

  They're whimsical. That's what I like about them.

• 1:06:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:25Speaker 06

  Okay.

• 1:06:27Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:06:27Speaker 06

  You wanted a pint of cold Amstel when you had your drink?

• 1:06:30Speaker 04

  I had one last night.

• 1:06:31Speaker 06

  Did you?

• 1:06:31Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:06:32Speaker 06

  How was it?

• 1:06:33Speaker 04

  It was delicious.

• 1:06:33Speaker 06

  It's a drink?

• 1:06:34Speaker 04

  Yeah. I also had a Camden Hills, which I like because they put it in its little Erlen Meyer flask.

• 1:06:39Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:06:39Speaker 04

  I love that they all have to brand.

• 1:06:41Speaker 00

  The glass is crazy.

• 1:06:42Speaker 04

  Special glasses. It's so funny to me.

• 1:06:44Speaker 00

  The Camden Hills glass is crazy.

• 1:06:45Speaker 04

  I love it. At first I thought, well, I wanted like the regular pint shape.

• 1:06:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:50Speaker 04

  And then I had another one and I was like, I like this actually.

• 1:06:53Speaker 00

  But it's too wide. It's so wide. It's like drinking out of like a cat bowl.

• 1:07:01Speaker 01

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• 1:08:04Speaker 04

  Cat's bowl.

• 1:08:05Speaker 06

  Just to be clear, Ed thinks this. To Ed, this is true.

• 1:08:08Speaker 04

  Yeah, to you, it's like that.

• 1:08:09Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:08:10Speaker 04

  What you have to understand is to me.

• 1:08:11Speaker 06

  And it is, and I think that.

• 1:08:12Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:08:12Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:08:14Speaker 04

  I liked it. I was against it at first, but I came around.

• 1:08:17Speaker 06

  Alex made this up on the spot, but he has since drunk this. He has had this since.

• 1:08:21Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:08:21Speaker 06

  But he made it up on the podcast. Moles marinade juice with bread sauce and a glug of Baileys all mixed together.

• 1:08:31Speaker 06

  All mixed together.

• 1:08:33Speaker 04

  What was the first ingredient?

• 1:08:35Speaker 06

  Moles marinade.

• 1:08:37Speaker 00

  Marinade.

• 1:08:38Speaker 06

  Marinade.

• 1:08:38Speaker 00

  You know, when you have mussels and they is like white wine, garlic and a little bit of little bit of cream or butter or something. He wants that, the juice from the bottom of a bowl of mussels mixed together with bread sauce.

• 1:08:52Speaker 04

  And bread sauce?

• 1:08:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:54Speaker 04

  What's bread sauce?

• 1:08:55Speaker 00

  That's what we would have a roast dinner and it's like milk and then you put stale bread in it and some like cloves maybe. And like cook it all right down and said it's like this lumpy bread sauce.

• 1:09:05Speaker 06

  Never seen Paul look so sad. I'm gonna get a still of this camera. Cause I've never seen Paul look like this. This is a different man. You look a different man.

• 1:09:16Speaker 00

  So even the bread sauce.

• 1:09:17Speaker 04

  Happy.

• 1:09:18Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:09:19Speaker 00

  Even the bread sauce is upsetting you as a thing.

• 1:09:22Speaker 04

  Well, no, I mean, I I'm intrigued by the bread sauce.

• 1:09:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:09:26Speaker 04

  But certainly not these things together.

• 1:09:29Speaker 00

  No, it's crazy.

• 1:09:30Speaker 04

  And not to drink.

• 1:09:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:09:31Speaker 04

  You don't drink a bread sauce, right?

• 1:09:33Speaker 00

  Well, when you mix it with the more marinade.

• 1:09:35Speaker 04

  But I'm not going to.

• 1:09:38Speaker 06

  Also, when we bring this over.

• 1:09:40Speaker 04

  Well, let's be in the real world for one second.

• 1:09:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, sure.

• 1:09:42Speaker 04

  So the bread sauce is is a sort of, you put it on top of things, right?

• 1:09:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, you would have it at the side of a roast dinner or something and you'd like.

• 1:09:50Speaker 04

  Dip stuff in?

• 1:09:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, you might have that and then maybe like some cranberry sauce and like, yeah.

• 1:09:54Speaker 04

  It's not something you eat on its own.

• 1:09:55Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no.

• 1:09:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:09:57Speaker 00

  And certainly you don't drink it.

• 1:09:58Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:09:59Speaker 00

  No, no.

• 1:09:59Speaker 06

  No, but never mind, man.

• 1:10:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:01Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:10:01Speaker 00

  But Alex wants that with Baileys, a fan of Baileys.

• 1:10:04Speaker 04

  I haven't had, I have not tasted Baileys in a very long time, in a very, very long time.

• 1:10:09Speaker 00

  Well, I'd say it probably tastes the same as the last time you tasted it.

• 1:10:12Speaker 04

  I would imagine.

• 1:10:12Speaker 06

  Not in this context.

• 1:10:13Speaker 00

  No, not in this context. No, it tastes like bread sauce and more marinade juice.

• 1:10:16Speaker 04

  Do I want to have a Baileys ever again?

• 1:10:19Speaker 06

  Good question.

• 1:10:20Speaker 00

  Good question. Do you want to know what I think?

• 1:10:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, when's the last time you've had one?

• 1:10:23Speaker 00

  It's probably been a few years since I've had a Baileys. I mean, it's not a drink really, is it? It's like a dessert.

• 1:10:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:10:28Speaker 00

  It's cream. We talked about how much you like cream. It's cream. Maybe nice for after a meal.

• 1:10:33Speaker 04

  It is cream. It feels very Christmasy to me.

• 1:10:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:36Speaker 04

  Very cozy, you know?

• 1:10:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:39Speaker 04

  Like a snowy, it feels more like a home drink than a drink you would have out at a at a bar or a pub.

• 1:10:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, I know. If you're having it at a pub, it's like night, night's over for me. Yeah, just go home.

• 1:10:49Speaker 04

  Go home.

• 1:10:49Speaker 06

  Yeah, go home.

• 1:10:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:10:51Speaker 06

  And he had this in what, a tankard?

• 1:10:53Speaker 00

  Peter tankard. He wanted it in a Peter tankard.

• 1:10:55Speaker 06

  And that's what he got.

• 1:10:56Speaker 00

  That's what, well.

• 1:10:57Speaker 04

  And so he made this happen.

• 1:10:58Speaker 00

  Well, I made it happen, really.

• 1:10:59Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 1:11:01Speaker 00

  So this is a few years ago, I had a Peter tanker engraved for Alex, sent it to Alex. And I'm not joking, it cost me £50 to have that done.

• 1:11:10Speaker 04

  Sure.

• 1:11:11Speaker 06

  Not joking.

• 1:11:11Speaker 00

  And he's not joking about this.

• 1:11:13Speaker 04

  This is not funny.

• 1:11:13Speaker 00

  They made him the, made him the drink.

• 1:11:17Speaker 04

  Who made him the drink?

• 1:11:18Speaker 00

  Andy Devonshire from Taskmaster.

• 1:11:19Speaker 06

  The director.

• 1:11:20Speaker 00

  And then filmed it. And then said, I'll get you the video. And he's never sent me the video.

• 1:11:27Speaker 04

  Do you think it's that horrific that he said it was like a Grizzly Man situation?

• 1:11:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11:30Speaker 04

  It's like, no one must ever see this.

• 1:11:32Speaker 00

  The camera falls down. Then you just say the mug falls down.

• 1:11:38Speaker 06

  You must never listen to this.

• 1:11:42Speaker 04

  The wildest thing about that scene to me is the woman sitting there watching him listen to it with the sort of expectant look like, is it good? No.

• 1:11:51Speaker 06

  What does it sound like? Someone getting eaten by a bear?

• 1:11:56Speaker 04

  This is the very last thing. Just like, give me a ballpark idea of should I listen to this or not?

• 1:12:03Speaker 06

  I'm on the fence about it. I appreciate you offering to listen to it in advance. Is it a yes? Oh, so no? Okay. I must never listen to it? Why?

• 1:12:14Speaker 04

  There's a lot of slander because people have now transmuted that into he makes her listen to it. I've heard, I've heard several people say this. That's not what happened.

• 1:12:27Speaker 06

  No, he doesn't. He tells her never to do it.

• 1:12:29Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 1:12:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:12:30Speaker 04

  She makes him listen to it.

• 1:12:32Speaker 06

  Yeah. My favorite bit of Grizzly Man is when Timothy, Timothy Treadwell goes, uh, goes nuts about the park service and really dunks on how much he hates the park service.

• 1:12:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:12:42Speaker 06

  And.

• 1:12:43Speaker 04

  Those fascists.

• 1:12:44Speaker 06

  Herzog talks over it. He mutes it and says, here, Treadwell crosses a line that we will not. And he's talking about how it's too much to talk about. He thinks what he says about the park service is too bad.

• 1:12:56Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:12:56Speaker 06

  And so he won't cross that line himself. But he's still got the footage going on as he talks over it. And it's Treadwell like raising, you know, middle fingers in the air. He does, he does a wanking sign at one point on his actual dick. Like he mimics wanking himself off and then like throwing the camera at the camera. Like he's done all of that stuff.

• 1:13:14Speaker 00

  You will never find out what he said about the park service.

• 1:13:17Speaker 06

  We will never say this. This is so, so disrespectful visually anyway.

• 1:13:23Speaker 04

  We don't know if he've changed, if he changed topics.

• 1:13:25Speaker 06

  Yeah, he could have talked about some of the stuff.

• 1:13:27Speaker 00

  Or he might have just had a thing where all of his gestures never match up to the sentiment of what he's saying.

• 1:13:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:13:32Speaker 00

  To be like, I love the park service, man.

• 1:13:34Speaker 04

  Number one.

• 1:13:36Speaker 00

  They make me feel good.

• 1:13:41Speaker 06

  I don't know if he does throw it at the camera. He definitely.

• 1:13:43Speaker 04

  That's really like choreography.

• 1:13:45Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:13:45Speaker 04

  They make me feel good.

• 1:13:49Speaker 06

  That's a gif.

• 1:13:50Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:13:51Speaker 06

  I hope you're happy.

• 1:13:52Speaker 04

  Don't, don't you dare.

• 1:13:53Speaker 06

  That gif's gonna do the rounds.

• 1:13:55Speaker 04

  You dare.

• 1:13:55Speaker 06

  They make me feel good with you doing that.

• 1:13:59Speaker 06

  What do you think that clap does?

• 1:14:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:02Speaker 04

  It creates a waveform and also a visual marker of something that can be cut out. That's what I think it does.

• 1:14:09Speaker 00

  And it's.

• 1:14:10Speaker 04

  What do you think it doesn't do, James?

• 1:14:13Speaker 06

  What do I think it doesn't do?

• 1:14:15Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:14:15Speaker 00

  And remember what you think is very important.

• 1:14:18Speaker 06

  Yeah, I think it doesn't undo what just happened.

• 1:14:21Speaker 04

  Yeah, I know.

• 1:14:22Speaker 06

  Yeah, I think.

• 1:14:24Speaker 04

  Benito, am I right? Bento Boxo?

• 1:14:27Speaker 00

  It's also a good marker. Ben will be able to find out the exact moment you did that and then we can clip it up straight away.

• 1:14:33Speaker 06

  Makes you feel good.

• 1:14:34Speaker 00

  Before you're back at your hotel today.

• 1:14:36Speaker 04

  You have to do his too, though. You have to do Ed's as well.

• 1:14:39Speaker 06

  Yeah, and then see, see which one is the most popular online.

• 1:14:44Speaker 00

  People are so.

• 1:14:44Speaker 04

  Oh, the great gif off.

• 1:14:45Speaker 00

  People are so used to be doing this sort of stuff.

• 1:14:48Speaker 04

  Are they really?

• 1:14:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, for you, I think it's.

• 1:14:50Speaker 04

  Ooh, look inside.

• 1:14:51Speaker 00

  You don't, you don't look like the sort of guy who do that. So that would be a way better gif.

• 1:14:55Speaker 04

  Yeah. You know what? Good point.

• 1:14:58Speaker 06

  How much of that drink, of Alex's drink, if you had to drink, drink it?

• 1:15:03Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:15:04Speaker 06

  How much of it do you think you would manage? Zero.

• 1:15:09Speaker 04

  I mean, I honestly can't, I can't see the, the, the first ingredient is enough to make me sick. Like, I don't think I could, I, I think even the smell of it, have you ever did like a medicine or something that you had to take? And even just bringing it up to your lips, you're like, oh no.

• 1:15:31Speaker 04

  How am I gonna get it inside?

• 1:15:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:15:33Speaker 04

  It's this bad right now. I think I could, I could easily see myself getting sick.

• 1:15:39Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:15:39Speaker 04

  It sounds so fucking disgusting.

• 1:15:41Speaker 06

  It is. Worst, worst medicine you've ever had? What was it for? What's your aim? What was wrong with you?

• 1:15:46Speaker 04

  Well, I had a colonoscopy recently and the preparation that you have to do is you have to drink this horrible, horrible stuff. Truly the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life.

• 1:15:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:15:58Speaker 04

  And you have to drink a lot of it many times.

• 1:16:01Speaker 06

  Was it?

• 1:16:02Speaker 00

  Is it diarrhea? You're like flushing, flushing everything out.

• 1:16:05Speaker 04

  That's not the worst part. The worst part is drinking this stuff.

• 1:16:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:16:08Speaker 04

  The other, it's like, the rest of it is heaven compared to that.

• 1:16:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:16:11Speaker 06

  They make, they make you drink diarrhea before your colonoscopy. Is that what you just said?

• 1:16:16Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:16:18Speaker 04

  I absolutely didn't say that.

• 1:16:20Speaker 00

  I'm happy to say that Paul did not say that.

• 1:16:22Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 1:16:22Speaker 00

  Yeah. Paul did not say they made me drink diarrhea before my colonoscopy.

• 1:16:27Speaker 06

  Oh, okay. You need to be clearer when you're like saying stuff.

• 1:16:31Speaker 00

  It gives you diarrhea.

• 1:16:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:16:33Speaker 00

  Correct?

• 1:16:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:16:34Speaker 00

  But just because it gives you diarrhea, doesn't mean it was diarrhea when it went in his mouth.

• 1:16:38Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:16:39Speaker 06

  Okay. You just need to be clear of it when you.

• 1:16:41Speaker 04

  If you eat an egg, it doesn't give you an egg.

• 1:16:47Speaker 04

  And that's ironclad.

• 1:16:50Speaker 04

  That's ironclad.

• 1:16:51Speaker 00

  Not even a chicken. If you give a chicken an egg, it does not give the chicken an egg. Not even those guys.

• 1:16:57Speaker 04

  No, if the chicken has an egg after eating egg, that's a coincidence.

• 1:17:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:17:01Speaker 06

  And they have to say that to their friend. Yeah, this is a coincidence.

• 1:17:03Speaker 04

  I once saw pigeons in a gutter.

• 1:17:05Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:17:06Speaker 04

  Eating fried chicken and it really made me sad.

• 1:17:08Speaker 06

  Yeah, it's horrible.

• 1:17:09Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:17:10Speaker 06

  Whenever, whenever, yeah, that is so, is so bad.

• 1:17:14Speaker 00

  But they're not the same guys, right?

• 1:17:16Speaker 04

  They're close.

• 1:17:16Speaker 00

  They're close.

• 1:17:18Speaker 06

  Sure, they're cousins.

• 1:17:19Speaker 04

  Come on.

• 1:17:23Speaker 06

  Dessert, you wanted a New York cheesecake?

• 1:17:25Speaker 04

  Hmm, yes, I did.

• 1:17:27Speaker 06

  And so did Alex. That's not true. He wanted a Mars bar.

• 1:17:34Speaker 06

  He wanted a Mars bar. Just a Mars bar.

• 1:17:36Speaker 04

  To eat with a knife and fork.

• 1:17:38Speaker 06

  I guess so, maybe.

• 1:17:40Speaker 04

  But that, that's it. Just a Mars bar.

• 1:17:41Speaker 00

  Just a Mars.

• 1:17:42Speaker 04

  No weird add-ons.

• 1:17:43Speaker 06

  No weird add-ons after all that.

• 1:17:44Speaker 04

  Fish paste on top of it.

• 1:17:46Speaker 06

  No. I think it's the only thing that he's actually, you know, properly eaten on the whole menu and had as a thing on its own. Cause that, that is more reflective of his life that he would grab a Mars bar on the way to work or something. That's more his thing.

• 1:18:02Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:18:03Speaker 00

  How do you feel, how do you feel about the Mars bar within the world of confectionery?

• 1:18:07Speaker 04

  The Mars bar, I think, is the equivalent of our Milky Way bar.

• 1:18:12Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yes, that's true.

• 1:18:13Speaker 04

  And was always a childhood favorite of mine.

• 1:18:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:18:16Speaker 04

  The, the number one for me is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

• 1:18:18Speaker 06

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:18:19Speaker 04

  Absolutely number one with a bullet.

• 1:18:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:18:22Speaker 04

  But Milky Way, delicious.

• 1:18:25Speaker 06

  What do you think about Alex Horne's menu?

• 1:18:26Speaker 04

  Um, I, I'm not a fan. I think, you know, obviously he's trying to have some fun. He's being a little devil. And, uh, you know, I get it. It's comedy. We're having a good time.

• 1:18:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:18:41Speaker 04

  But he, of course, never dreamed that this was going to come back to haunt someone else, innocent stranger.

• 1:18:50Speaker 00

  Has it affected your opinion of Alex Horne, the man and his wider body of work?

• 1:18:55Speaker 04

  That's an interesting question. And first of all, let me say it's wonderful to be here today and I thank you for inviting me.

• 1:19:03Speaker 04

  When we consider the effect this could potentially have on my view of Alex Horn, the person and what he does professionally, I think as a person, it keeps him, to me, unknowable.

• 1:19:16Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 1:19:18Speaker 04

  He's hiding behind these joke ingredients.

• 1:19:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:19:21Speaker 04

  And maybe it's because he really doesn't have specific tastes and he's happy to just eat whatever's put in front of him. And so he decides, I guess I should have some fun because I could be embarrassed if I say, I don't know.

• 1:19:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:19:37Speaker 04

  What do I want at Christmas? Christmas dinner.

• 1:19:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:19:40Speaker 04

  The same as everybody else.

• 1:19:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:19:42Speaker 04

  You know? How it affects my opinion of his work, uh, it doesn't. I, I appreciate his work and this to me is indicative of the way that he likes to work. He likes to be silly. He likes to be a little, uh, I have to say it a third time, little devil.

• 1:20:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:20:01Speaker 04

  Uh, so it's in keeping with his character that he presents to the world. Behind closed doors? Who can say?

• 1:20:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:20:12Speaker 04

  Who can say?

• 1:20:13Speaker 00

  No one knows the real Alex.

• 1:20:14Speaker 04

  Maybe not even his wife and children.

• 1:20:15Speaker 06

  They definitely don't.

• 1:20:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:20:17Speaker 06

  You're scared of the devil though.

• 1:20:18Speaker 04

  I am scared of the devil.

• 1:20:19Speaker 06

  So how do you feel?

• 1:20:20Speaker 04

  If he's real.

• 1:20:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:20:22Speaker 04

  If he's not, I'm not. I think that makes sense.

• 1:20:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:20:26Speaker 04

  If, if it turns out the devil is real, I will be scared of him.

• 1:20:30Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:20:31Speaker 04

  For sure.

• 1:20:32Speaker 00

  Yeah. I love the devil.

• 1:20:34Speaker 04

  Say more about that.

• 1:20:35Speaker 00

  I love heavy metal.

• 1:20:36Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:20:37Speaker 00

  I love devil iconography. The devil himself, I love.

• 1:20:41Speaker 04

  Okay. This is the part I want you to say more about.

• 1:20:43Speaker 00

  Okay. So, but I love the music.

• 1:20:46Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:20:47Speaker 00

  And I like pictures.

• 1:20:48Speaker 06

  Stop going through those things again.

• 1:20:49Speaker 00

  I like pictures of the devil.

• 1:20:50Speaker 04

  You're just saying.

• 1:20:51Speaker 00

  I like the artwork.

• 1:20:52Speaker 06

  What Paul is interested in.

• 1:20:53Speaker 00

  And I love the devil and who he is and his person.

• 1:20:55Speaker 04

  Okay. As a person.

• 1:20:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:20:58Speaker 04

  And what is it about him that you love so much and you can't talk about visual images?

• 1:21:02Speaker 00

  You can't talk about things connected to him.

• 1:21:03Speaker 04

  Talk about music.

• 1:21:04Speaker 06

  Or things associated with him. You have to talk about him and himself.

• 1:21:07Speaker 04

  The devil, his deeds, his empty promises.

• 1:21:10Speaker 00

  Well, aren't all promises empty?

• 1:21:12Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:21:13Speaker 00

  No. Um, I like that, um, he's cheeky. He does some bad stuff, sure.

• 1:21:20Speaker 04

  Such as?

• 1:21:21Speaker 00

  But he's charming.

• 1:21:22Speaker 04

  Is he charming?

• 1:21:23Speaker 00

  Oh, come on.

• 1:21:24Speaker 06

  He is charming.

• 1:21:25Speaker 00

  That's the whole point of the devil.

• 1:21:26Speaker 06

  He is charming. That's how he gets people to do all the bad stuff.

• 1:21:28Speaker 00

  Isn't, isn't the whole thing when the devil comes back, he's going to be like a cool guy?

• 1:21:32Speaker 06

  The double point for that.

• 1:21:34Speaker 04

  He goes from this.

• 1:21:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:21:37Speaker 04

  To this.

• 1:21:38Speaker 00

  Yeah. I just like him. I think he's slick.

• 1:21:41Speaker 06

  He is slick.

• 1:21:42Speaker 00

  You don't think he's slick?

• 1:21:43Speaker 04

  That is likeable.

• 1:21:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:21:45Speaker 04

  When somebody's slick, I do like that.

• 1:21:46Speaker 00

  Yeah. I feel like he'd wink at you and you'd be like, oh, you.

• 1:21:49Speaker 04

  Oh, he'd probably wink all the time.

• 1:21:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's true. He'd double wink.

• 1:21:52Speaker 06

  So what a wonderful menu. You seem to really like it and really enjoyed eating it.

• 1:21:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:21:57Speaker 06

  So another success.

• 1:21:58Speaker 00

  Another success for the boys.

• 1:22:00Speaker 06

  Another success for the boys.

• 1:22:01Speaker 00

  You gotta keep doing it.

• 1:22:02Speaker 06

  James and Ed, sorry. You got a new tattoo there?

• 1:22:04Speaker 00

  Not there, don't worry, you're all right.

• 1:22:05Speaker 06

  Okay, thank God. I just, Ed's got a few new tats and as I smacked him then, I immediately was like, oh no.

• 1:22:11Speaker 04

  I saw it yesterday and he told me that he had some fresh tats and I asked what he got and he did not seem to know.

• 1:22:17Speaker 00

  No, he doesn't know. A lot of eyes. Such a lot of eyes. Big mouth.

• 1:22:23Speaker 06

  He got the eyeball from the.

• 1:22:25Speaker 00

  And that.

• 1:22:26Speaker 06

  The substance.

• 1:22:27Speaker 00

  Whatever's going on there.

• 1:22:28Speaker 06

  And a hand holding some eyeballs.

• 1:22:29Speaker 04

  With teeth?

• 1:22:30Speaker 00

  It's hand, it's, it's got eyes and teeth. Sort of like a big hand face.

• 1:22:33Speaker 04

  Oh, and a little stairway.

• 1:22:34Speaker 06

  And a candle coming out of his head.

• 1:22:35Speaker 00

  Yeah. There's a candle right there as well.

• 1:22:37Speaker 04

  That's a crazy house. Can you imagine living there?

• 1:22:40Speaker 06

  What's funny with Ed is that in our group of friends, Ed is always like, he'll make quite a, quite a big deal of going like, fucking hell, once again, I'm the only normal one, these fucking freaks. And then you look at his arms and you're like, I think the writing is on the wall, my friend. I think you're holding a lot in.

• 1:22:58Speaker 00

  This is because I love the devil though.

• 1:22:59Speaker 06

  Yeah, sorry, that normal thing that he loves.

• 1:23:01Speaker 04

  I think it's a mistake.

• 1:23:02Speaker 00

  To love the devil?

• 1:23:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, Ed, I think you're backing the wrong horse.

• 1:23:05Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 1:23:06Speaker 04

  Cause he doesn't, I don't think he rewards people very well.

• 1:23:11Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:23:12Speaker 00

  I think he does if you're on his side.

• 1:23:14Speaker 04

  He leads you to, he leads you to believe that.

• 1:23:18Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 1:23:19Speaker 04

  Prince of lies.

• 1:23:20Speaker 06

  You're not enough on his side, Ed. Just get the tattoos.

• 1:23:22Speaker 00

  But I think a lot of people who call him the prince of lies are lying themselves. You see? It's a smear campaign against the devil.

• 1:23:31Speaker 06

  We can't have this up.

• 1:23:32Speaker 00

  The devil rewards you.

• 1:23:34Speaker 06

  We can't keep talking about the devil.

• 1:23:36Speaker 00

  The devil. Paul, thank you so much for coming back to the dream restaurant.

• 1:23:39Speaker 04

  Thanks, guys.

• 1:23:40Speaker 06

  Thank you, Paul. Nice man.

• 1:23:42Speaker 04

  Very nice.

• 1:23:44Speaker 00

  Nice man. There we are. What a delight to see Paul.

• 1:23:54Speaker 06

  Oh, Paul, thank you so much for swinging by and chatting to us.

• 1:23:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:23:59Speaker 06

  It was lovely.

• 1:24:00Speaker 00

  Sometimes when people come over from America, I'd love to be like, hey, let me just take you out on the town.

• 1:24:04Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:24:05Speaker 00

  We'll go for a meal, but I'm too shy to do that, so.

• 1:24:07Speaker 06

  Yeah.

• 1:24:08Speaker 00

  We have to record a podcast with them.

• 1:24:09Speaker 06

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:24:10Speaker 00

  And it's the only language me and Paul understand.

• 1:24:13Speaker 06

  It is.

• 1:24:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:24:15Speaker 06

  That and love.

• 1:24:16Speaker 00

  That and love.

• 1:24:17Speaker 06

  Um, one of the nicest voices, one of my favorite voices in comedy, by literal voices. Love listening to Paul's voice. So what a treat for you.

• 1:24:24Speaker 00

  And his comic voice.

• 1:24:25Speaker 06

  For listeners. And his comic voice is unique.

• 1:24:28Speaker 00

  Top of the tree.

• 1:24:29Speaker 06

  Top of the tree. Um, we love Paul F Tompkins and we hope that he liked, oh, I don't think he did like Alex Horn's menu, disgusting.

• 1:24:36Speaker 00

  No, no, no. Listen to Spontaneation and listen to Freedom and all the other brilliant work that Paul does.

• 1:24:42Speaker 06

  And go on edgamble.co.uk, why not?

• 1:24:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, see what's on there. I'll give you a clue, it's a tour.

• 1:24:47Speaker 06

  Yeah, fresh hell.

• 1:24:48Speaker 00

  Yeah. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

• 1:24:51Speaker 06

  Goodbye. Paul, thank you so much for coming back to the dream restaurant.