Jacqueline Novak

US stand-up, Netflix star and Emmy-nominee Jacqueline Novak dines in the Dream Restaurant this week. Pizza or bread, Jacqueline Novak, pizza or bread? TW: there is some chat about body image. Jacqueline Novak’s special ‘Get On Your Knees’ is on Netflix. Watch it now https://www.netflix.com/gb/title/81240800. For Jacqueline’s latest shows and tour dates, keep an eye on her website www.jokesnovak.com https://jokesnovak.com/ Follow Jacqueline on Instagram @jacnov https://www.instagram.com/jacnov Listen to Jacqueline’s podcast ‘POOG’ with Kate Bertlant: https://poog.kit.com/ Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast. Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Ed Gamble is on tour in 2027 with ‘Fresh Hell’. For dates and tickets go to edgamble.co.uk https://edgamble.co.uk/ Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

Speaker names marked ? are inferred from speaking time and the show’s known hosts — they are not voice-verified.

• 0:00Speaker 00

  Hello, it's Ed here from the Off Menu podcast that you are listening to right now. You'll know that I'm doing a brand new stand-up comedy show on tour next year, Fresh Hell, and we are delighted to announce that we are doing two more shows at the London Palladium, Friday the 19th of March, Saturday the 20th of March. You've got to come to these shows, they're going to be great, they're on sale now, edgamble.co.uk for ticket details.

• 0:25Speaker 01

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• 1:12Speaker 00

  Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the slightly inflated bag of plain snacks, bursting it open and inhaling the flavour dust of content.

• 1:23James Acaster?

  That's Ed Gamble, my name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant. Every single week we're inviting a guest, our favourite ever start a make us dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week our guest is Jacqueline Novak.

• 1:35Speaker 00

  Brilliant comedian, James, Jacqueline Novak, over from the US of A.

• 1:39James Acaster?

  Oh, exciting. And you can watch Jacqueline's comedy special, Get On Your Knees, on Netflix.

• 1:45Speaker 00

  Yes, you can, Jacqueline is very funny indeed, but if she says an ingredient that we have pre-agreed upon, a secret ingredient, no less, we will remove her from the restaurant. It won't be Get On Your Knees, it'll be Get Out Of Town.

• 1:56James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:57Speaker 00

  That's how I have to say it, so she understands.

• 1:58James Acaster?

  And this week, the secret ingredient is?

• 2:01Speaker 00

  Knees. Get on your knees. So if she picks like chicken knees or something?

• 2:06James Acaster?

  Yeah, chicken knees, pork knees, anything like that.

• 2:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:10James Acaster?

  Then out.

• 2:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:11James Acaster?

  I guess if she chooses some legs, we've got to just inquire, are there knees? What bit? Is this the whole leg?

• 2:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:18James Acaster?

  Are there knees on it? If yes, out.

• 2:20Speaker 00

  Out. You want knees, do you? See you later.

• 2:23James Acaster?

  See you later. But hopefully that won't happen.

• 2:25Speaker 00

  Get out of here, as fast as your knees can carry you.

• 2:28James Acaster?

  The old English saying, Jacqueline won't be familiar with that.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, she won't be familiar with it, we'll just have to remove her.

• 2:34James Acaster?

  But yeah, we will say that if it needs to be.

• 2:36Speaker 00

  I'm on tour, edgamble.co.uk, Fresh Hell is the name of the show, would love you to come. But enough of all that, let's get on with this episode with the brilliant Jacqueline Novak.

• 2:53Speaker 00

  Welcome Jacqueline to the dream restaurant.

• 2:57James Acaster?

  Welcome Jacqueline Novak to the dream restaurant, been invited here for some time.

• 3:01Speaker 03

  Thank you, thank you, I'm so glad to be here.

• 3:04James Acaster?

  How are you enjoying our country?

• 3:07Speaker 03

  Let's see, I'm jet lagged. I've, I've been on a weird schedule, so I'm only, I haven't been to a proper restaurant. I've only been ordering past midnight.

• 3:18Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 3:19Speaker 03

  And it's not, you know, I mean, everywhere, stuff is less, even like New York, I feel like is less, stuff's not as.

• 3:26Speaker 00

  It's not the good stuff past midnight.

• 3:28Speaker 03

  It's not what it once was, it's not the fantasy of all night.

• 3:31Speaker 00

  No.

• 3:31Speaker 03

  So I've been getting a lot of falafel.

• 3:34Speaker 00

  Okay, that's not a bad option for past midnight.

• 3:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, falafel, hummus, not the, I don't know, now I'm just doing my meal from the other night, but sort of relevant, I think, right?

• 3:44James Acaster?

  A new section to the podcast, midnight snack.

• 3:46Speaker 00

  Midnight snack.

• 3:48Speaker 03

  Do you believe in a midnight snack? I always feel like midnight meal.

• 3:51James Acaster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 3:51Speaker 03

  Right, like, what are we doing, kind of, like?

• 3:54James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 3:54Speaker 03

  Let's get into it and do a proper.

• 3:56James Acaster?

  Do it properly.

• 3:57Speaker 03

  If we're going to eat.

• 3:58James Acaster?

  Midnight feast.

• 3:58Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:59James Acaster?

  That was the thing, wasn't it? And I was obsessed when I was a kid.

• 4:02Speaker 00

  Oh, man, so was, I was obsessed.

• 4:03James Acaster?

  I wanted to have a midnight feast so much.

• 4:05Speaker 03

  Wait, is that a term?

• 4:07James Acaster?

  That was a thing.

• 4:08Speaker 03

  Now, here?

• 4:09James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 4:10Speaker 00

  I didn't realise it was specifically.

• 4:12James Acaster?

  I didn't know, I didn't know it was just, yeah.

• 4:14Speaker 00

  Now you're saying it really sounds like a medieval British thing, doesn't it? Yeah, medieval feast, medieval midnight feast, yeah.

• 4:20Speaker 03

  Candles.

• 4:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:22Speaker 03

  I guess they would have to eat by candlelight anyway at night.

• 4:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, chicken leg, that sort of stuff.

• 4:26Speaker 03

  Here you guys eat by candlelight always.

• 4:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:29Speaker 03

  Wet stony walls.

• 4:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:32Speaker 03

  Ghosts.

• 4:33James Acaster?

  You chuck the bones on a big pile in the corner.

• 4:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, there's a skinny dog that licks the bones. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 4:40James Acaster?

  That's, that's what you should be doing, with your falafel.

• 4:44Speaker 03

  I do get a lot of things when I don't know if it's, which will, I'm planning on utilizing the lamp for options even, I mean, if I'm allowed, I guess that's the question.

• 4:53James Acaster?

  You're allowed, it's your dream.

• 4:54Speaker 03

  A lot of, I like to over-order massively, like that's real, that's probably my core, particularly with dining with other people.

• 5:03Speaker 00

  That's your one requirement is?

• 5:04Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:05Speaker 00

  You don't care what it is, just too much of it.

• 5:07Speaker 03

  Yes, bare minimum quantity, if nothing else, because, and if you're dining with other people, you just don't, well, it depends on who you're, like, who you feel safe to dine with, you know? Like, people that don't order enough are a huge problem for me, like, even for themselves, because then they come for your food, you know?

• 5:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:25Speaker 03

  Or they are like, sort of, you know, prim about, I don't know, they, I'm just like, I'm very, I'm a hungry, I'm a voracious woman.

• 5:35Speaker 03

  Spiritually, physically.

• 5:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's, safety with the people you're eating with is important, I think.

• 5:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 5:42Speaker 00

  Like, we have a lot of meals together, me and James.

• 5:44James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 5:44Speaker 00

  And we know that we're over-ordering.

• 5:46Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  And that's going to happen, and there's like the judging eyes of maybe the waiter or something, being like, you're ordering too much.

• 5:52Speaker 03

  But you've got each other, you're like.

• 5:54James Acaster?

  I don't think we do over-order because we eat it all.

• 5:56Speaker 03

  No, right.

• 5:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, but it's too much food.

• 5:58James Acaster?

  Yeah, it's too much food.

• 5:59Speaker 03

  For other people.

• 6:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 6:00Speaker 03

  I went to Italy once and, and, and so I say that because it's like, adds an extra level. Like, I'm there for, well, actually I stayed quite a while, doesn't matter. Point is, I remember just like doing the ordering at the, and looking at the waiter and like trying to get a sense and whatever. He was like, got to a point where I was like, do you think I should order something else? And he was like, it's enough, like, he just, he slapped his hand, you know? And I was like, because I, because I also feel like you can't always trust them. Like, a lot of times they'll do this thing to me where it's like, you know, that's a lot of food. And I'm like, I should hope so, for one. You know, they're like, they're like, you better be hungry, it's like, that's why I came here.

• 6:38Speaker 00

  I'm at a restaurant, I'm at a restaurant, obviously I'm hungry.

• 6:40Speaker 03

  And like, even if I wasn't, you know, I like to take something home.

• 6:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:46James Acaster?

  Yeah, sure.

• 6:48Speaker 00

  And also, I'm paying, I'm paying for the food. I'm not going to give you back one of the dishes and say, I was too hungry, if I wasn't hungry enough for that, here's, give me my money back.

• 6:57Speaker 03

  Has anyone, has anyone been like, that was too big, why'd you let me order that? I mean, I bet they have, but that's crazy.

• 7:03James Acaster?

  Yeah, there will be, there will be people who have done that.

• 7:05Speaker 03

  There's always, right.

• 7:06James Acaster?

  They were just like, you shouldn't have let me order all that food, you knew how big it all was. Why did you do that?

• 7:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:11James Acaster?

  Why did you let me order all that? I'm not going to pay for that, all that food, that's unreasonable, you can't make me pay for that.

• 7:17Speaker 03

  And it's like, well, you can take it home and feed people.

• 7:20James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 7:21Speaker 03

  It's, do you, okay, wait, when people go out with you guys, like, what is it like? You know, like, like, them knowing, like, are they just like, what do they expect, kind of? I don't know, do you think people feel comfortable, like, or I guess it depends on the person?

• 7:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:38Speaker 03

  Are they trying to show off, like?

• 7:40Speaker 00

  No, I mean, no one's showing off for us, are they?

• 7:42James Acaster?

  No, no one's showing off for us, everyone feels comfortable, there's no intimidation.

• 7:47Speaker 03

  Right.

• 7:47James Acaster?

  I mean, it's either we're going out for meals with people who've known us for ages anyway. And if they haven't, they either, I don't know, they, the people who do know more about food than us will probably go, right, I'm going to take you to this place.

• 8:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:02James Acaster?

  I'll order first this stuff, you know, because they enjoy showing the boys who love food, you know?

• 8:09Speaker 03

  Do you have any restrictions that just?

• 8:11Speaker 00

  No.

• 8:12Speaker 03

  It's so frustrating that, like, I have a nut allergy since childhood and it's like, it's not who I am to have a restriction, you know what I mean, on the food? And so, it's like, I feel like people think you're doing it on purpose, it's very weird, like, and then, and then I've recently gone plant-based, which, which, I, I thought about the genie lamp today, I was like, well, I'm going to assume, I'm going to be free, right? I'm going to assume that somehow if I'm saying a pizza, it's some vegan cheese that's not made of nuts, that is somehow miraculous. I don't know, I've got to make it all work.

• 8:45Speaker 00

  All your.

• 8:45Speaker 03

  In my fantasy.

• 8:46Speaker 00

  In the dream restaurant, all your restrictions are either catered for or they don't exist for.

• 8:51Speaker 03

  Right.

• 8:51Speaker 00

  The course of this meal.

• 8:52Speaker 03

  Wouldn't it be sick if I was just like, because like, there's no joy in a pistachio for me, because anytime I've ever accidentally tasted even that, it's immediate, like, living hell, right? So there's no like, I would love.

• 9:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:04Speaker 03

  Although I do like when they show like, wouldn't there be like pistachio ice cream and it was green?

• 9:08James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 9:09Speaker 03

  And like, or I'd think it was mint and want to get, should we talk about ice cream? I want to talk about all the foods, I'm like, I'm going meta because I just like have questions and I'm like.

• 9:19Speaker 00

  We can talk about ice cream.

• 9:20James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 9:21Speaker 03

  But we shouldn't, just trying to think. What are your favorites?

• 9:27James Acaster?

  Favorite ice creams?

• 9:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, let's see.

• 9:29James Acaster?

  I mean, there's just so many. I, I, I, I've talked about ice cream so much on the podcast and I still haven't covered all the, all the ice creams that I like.

• 9:38Speaker 03

  Yeah. You know? If you had to have one right now, and I mean, like, in this situation, any flavors coming in, I'm playing your own game on you in psychotic ways, but I just.

• 9:48James Acaster?

  I've shouted it out before, but I haven't had it in a very long time and it was so, so good, is the marmalade on toast ice cream that I had. Uh, this is probably in like 2015 now or something.

• 10:00Speaker 03

  Are there ribbons of marmalade in it?

• 10:02James Acaster?

  I think so, but mainly it's like the, so I've had it twice and one was at a friend's house and they made it and they had toasted breadcrumbs and then stirred that into the ice cream. So that's kind of in there, the toast flavor and marmalade, obviously.

• 10:17Speaker 03

  Oh my god.

• 10:17James Acaster?

  And was, uh, just insane.

• 10:20Speaker 03

  And then is the ice cream itself, is that flavor, what's the flavor of the ice cream itself? Do you know what I mean?

• 10:24James Acaster?

  Oh yeah, I guess it's like a vanilla.

• 10:26Speaker 03

  Okay, so right.

• 10:27James Acaster?

  Or milk, you know, it's like a pretty plain ice cream.

• 10:30Speaker 03

  Okay, so I can recreate this is my point.

• 10:32James Acaster?

  Yeah, I think.

• 10:32Speaker 03

  Because I can even go, I can do a vegan vanilla or something.

• 10:36James Acaster?

  Yeah, you could do it.

• 10:37Speaker 03

  I'll stop talking about the plant bases. I know it's joyless. Okay, I'll leave it out now. You just know.

• 10:42James Acaster?

  No, it's good. There's a lot of listeners who listen to this who have a plant-based diet and they don't feel represented on this podcast at most episodes when we're just talking about, you know, eating things raw and killing things or whatever. So like.

• 10:53Speaker 03

  Well, I was, I was, uh, this is fairly recent, so I still identify with all eaters.

• 10:58James Acaster?

  Yeah. Get on your knees. Shall we talk about it?

• 11:01Speaker 03

  Please, yeah.

• 11:02James Acaster?

  I'm very excited. It's come to Netflix. Uh, it's a show that, um, heard loads about before it came to Netflix.

• 11:08Speaker 03

  Which is always irritating, right?

• 11:11James Acaster?

  It's pretty great.

• 11:12Speaker 03

  Aren't you just like, but like when you hear like, when you hear that something, I don't know, hype is like the worst. It's like, yeah, I bet.

• 11:18James Acaster?

  No, I'm happy for people. I like it with, uh, weirdly, I, hype, I like with stand-up comedians and comedy shows, cause it, cause it's more word of mouth and the people that I can believe it, cause it's more other comedians saying, you gotta see Jack the Knoback show.

• 11:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:34James Acaster?

  And like, and so like, that is usually quite an exciting thing. And I like when someone, a show has a moment, you know, in the comedy, like, and, and becomes, and this is part of that, you know, history of comedy. That was when everyone was talking about that show and that was important.

• 11:49Speaker 00

  And when, when you hear it from other comics as well, you're like, and you know that the comics done loads of stuff before and they've been working at it for ages and then there's this one moment where it's all come together perfectly. It's nice, right?

• 12:00Speaker 03

  Yes, that helps.

• 12:01Speaker 00

  It's nice for people, yeah.

• 12:02Speaker 03

  It's not like, no, it's good. You're like, oh, she's been out a while. That really does help.

• 12:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 12:05Speaker 03

  She's been ignored for years, you know?

• 12:08James Acaster?

  Were you ignored for years?

• 12:09Speaker 03

  Well, I mean, yeah, I mean, I mean, you know, you're always scraping little, little bits at a time, you know what I mean? But yeah, it was kind of just like, uh, everyone, I don't know, New York, like, I mean, the, the industry is like such a vague concept, but the vague feeling of like, they've seen me around forever. There's no new excitement. So it felt like I had to just do something like really intense and hardcore and like big and I don't know, just to try to be like, I'm doing it. And so, you know, that was, I like, there, there's something I do, I do enjoy a kind of, um, like triumph, like

• 12:50Speaker 03

  I like kind of being, you know, like I like kind of bringing, it's classic, like comedian stuff, right? But it's like, I can't, like, kind of love being, like digging yourself out of a hole. Can't like help but pull yourself into one and then like try to get out and it's kind of like more satisfying than.

• 13:05James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 13:05Speaker 03

  Going out there like, they're gonna love this. And then doing that, like I can't, the second thing, like, no, it's gonna work. I'm like bored of it. So, you know.

• 13:14James Acaster?

  Did you have those, with those early shows when you knew like, I mean, for the listener, this, I won't know what the show's about.

• 13:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 13:21James Acaster?

  Do you want to explain it quick before we get into questions about it?

• 13:24Speaker 00

  I think it's better you explain it.

• 13:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:26James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:26Speaker 03

  Well, I'd love to hear. Um, yeah, it's like kind of a blowjob in three acts kind of thing, like, or like three blowjobs across, I don't know. It's, um, it's basically my evolving thinking about, and I say like the blowjob versus like blowjobs, because it's kind of abstract and it's very, um, like I would try to sell it. I like put these, these billboards up, like these digital billboards I'd buy online, like 2am for Minneapolis or something. I was just like, you know, like I was the same gearhead, like doing it all myself, whatever. But I was like, it's a highbrow, you know, the most highbrow show about blowjobs, you know, you'll see or whatever, like stuff like that. But it

• 14:06Speaker 03

  was, it's kind of like, uh, cerebral and I did a version of it at Edinburgh and they were like, I say it in the show, but someone from, like, I don't know, the Times or something, while praising someone else's show managed to like sneak in and dig at mine. And they were like, they were like, talk, versus Jack the Knoback who talks about blowjobs to the point of tedium. And like, so I mentioned, I mentioned it at the top of my show, like.

• 14:30Speaker 00

  Such a good quote, though.

• 14:31Speaker 03

  I know.

• 14:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:32Speaker 03

  I know. I'm like, thank you. And I like it. And I like telling people about it because it is kind of the vibe, like.

• 14:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:40Speaker 03

  It is kind of like, I'm gonna talk about this and I'm gonna, I'm gonna keep talking about it to a point where it is absolutely not, like, there's almost nothing sexy about the show, you know, like it's just.

• 14:50Speaker 00

  Yeah. Like not, not salacious anymore, cause you, you, once you're 40 minutes in.

• 14:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  People are, yeah, they're over the fact it's about blowjobs.

• 14:58Speaker 03

  I was like, tell them it's 85 and it was like 92, you know? And no interval.

• 15:03Speaker 00

  At what point in the writing process were you like, this whole show is gonna be about blowjobs?

• 15:09Speaker 03

  No, it's interesting. It, I, I sort of knew, that was sort of the idea was, cause I had this essay I wrote in college, like in a creative nonfiction class, you know, similar vibe, almost like, almost like, I don't know, like young kind of writer, like, yeah, like, yeah, I'm gonna talk about it, you know, like, but I'm gonna be sort of poetic about it and like, I don't know, it's just a vibe. It was really college vibe. And so, in which I sort of traced this, like, oh, the first time I heard about the blowjob when I was like 13 and, and my initial thoughts of like, what, you know, what are you talking about? And then later, you know, this like anxiety about how I would as this over thinker approached something like that. And kind of like this quest to, to triumph over the

• 15:53Speaker 03

  fear of it and then, and then triumphing and then like suddenly going the other way and being like, oh God, like, you know, like feeling me like, then try to argue back for my, like, like basically being ashamed of having triumphed for it, you know? And then whatever. It's like just long mental quest. And so, yeah, it was kind of, it was a blowjob from the beginning. I was just like, that's what this is.

• 16:14Speaker 00

  All in.

• 16:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's what this is. And then there's other things that come along the way. It's just like, I was like, it's a good organizing principle for me. It's a, it's like a rich enough concept. It's like, it's almost like it bothers me. It's like, it's like this kind of thing I like would stew on, like, this looks so weird. Like what the fuck is the blowjob? You know what I mean? Like it's just a weird thing. It like, you can analyze it forever, kind of, so.

• 16:36Speaker 00

  Is, is that a sort of framework that you're carrying through to your, because you're here doing work in progress, right? For your, for your next show?

• 16:42Speaker 03

  And very work in progress. Like it's not like, you know, here's a bumpy script that I'm kind of like working my way through and tweaking, which is a fantasy that I imagine, like, I don't know, other acts do or something. I'm just like, it's so much more chaotic and I'm doing different things each night.

• 16:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:56Speaker 03

  I am kind of trying to figure out, you know, if there is something, cause it's like, at the same time, it almost feels weird for there to be like this topic that's like, okay, so this one, like if, if there's too narrow a topic, it almost feels like, okay, so last time was the blowjob, this time is the blah, blah, blah, right? It almost can't be like, it almost, I don't want it to be something you can like slot in as this time you're approaching. So, I don't know, I might have to, not sure what form exactly it's gonna take. There's a lot of ghost stuff right now. I like.

• 17:26Speaker 00

  Of course, yeah.

• 17:27Speaker 03

  Yeah. Which is.

• 17:28Speaker 00

  That's good.

• 17:29Speaker 03

  I planted a little bit of ghost material in the last show, in part to make it so no one would be shocked when I started talking about ghosts like a lot later. They wouldn't be like, this is departure. I'd be like, actually, see minute five.

• 17:43James Acaster?

  I talk about a ghost getting, a ghost giving a blowjob.

• 17:46Speaker 03

  Not even, no.

• 17:47Speaker 00

  In that first Ghostbusters film, Dan Aykroyd gets a blowjob from a ghost, of course.

• 17:51Speaker 03

  Slotes up, right?

• 17:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:52Speaker 03

  And then, yeah, that is how that goes, right? It's like.

• 17:55James Acaster?

  I think so.

• 17:56Speaker 03

  He's in bed, he's lying there, you see the covers go.

• 17:58James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 17:59Speaker 03

  Credible movie. I mean, right? Like there's just nothing.

• 18:02Speaker 00

  Oh, it's good. Yeah, yeah.

• 18:03Speaker 03

  There's nothing like that.

• 18:04James Acaster?

  Yeah, but that, that, that bit, yeah, frozen impact.

• 18:10James Acaster?

  We always start with still or sparkling water.

• 18:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 18:12James Acaster?

  Jack, did you have a preference?

• 18:13Speaker 03

  I know, I was thinking about it. I think it is, it's still, but when I wanna kinda feel special, I get sparkling. So I'm going, let's start with a still.

• 18:24James Acaster?

  Okay.

• 18:25Speaker 00

  So you don't wanna feel special yet?

• 18:26Speaker 03

  No, because here's, here's the thing. If a big meal's coming, I'm like, I don't want those bubbles mostly filling me.

• 18:33James Acaster?

  Yeah. You feel more full after the bubbles?

• 18:35Speaker 03

  Still, I'd say. Later I'll bother you for the sparkling.

• 18:38Speaker 00

  You're not bothering, you're not bothering us.

• 18:40James Acaster?

  It's no bother. It's no bother.

• 18:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, I like to, um, okay, so we'll say still, we'll say still for now.

• 18:46Speaker 00

  Start with still. Build your way up to the sparkling, yeah.

• 18:49James Acaster?

  And do you live in, uh, do you live in New York? Is that where you live?

• 18:52Speaker 03

  Los Angeles now.

• 18:53James Acaster?

  Ah, so you don't, so I was gonna ask a question about the tap water.

• 18:56Speaker 03

  Well, that's, that's the thing is, um, there is a little bit of luxury to ordering still, flat, whatever, in a bottle.

• 19:05James Acaster?

  Mm-hmm.

• 19:05Speaker 03

  When you know that the tap is sufficient. That's where it's almost like, in New York, you're like, oh, bottled still, what? Like, it's just, I feel like there's a point of pride in, in New York, just being like, tap's fine. Like, these people are fools. Like, they don't realize the tap is primo.

• 19:20Speaker 00

  It's funny to me that the New York tap water's supposed to be so good.

• 19:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, cuz you didn't find it that way.

• 19:26Speaker 00

  No, no, not, not necessarily, but it's just like, you go to New York and my first thought wouldn't be, but the tap water's good here. My first thought would be, I'm not fucking drinking the tap water in this dirty city.

• 19:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, like, is it, and you, so obvious, but like, do you experience New York as dirty? When you're walking around, are you like?

• 19:42Speaker 00

  No, just like big metropolis, like, cities, like, yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't feel like the sort of squeaky clean tap water city. Do you know what I mean?

• 19:50James Acaster?

  Depends what time of year as well.

• 19:51Speaker 03

  Does it?

• 19:52James Acaster?

  In the summer, walk around New York, you smell the hot trash.

• 19:56Speaker 03

  I was like, I thought, well, yeah, I used to be like, let's, let's refrigerate it, like the worst, the least eco thing ever.

• 20:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 20:02Speaker 03

  We need refrigerators on the street, keeping our trash from spoiling. I was like, I could run for mayor on that.

• 20:09Speaker 00

  It's a great idea.

• 20:10Speaker 03

  Cuz that is, that is

• 20:12Speaker 00

  Trash fridges.

• 20:12Speaker 03

  Hot trash is tough.

• 20:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 20:15James Acaster?

  But you want still water, bottled, tap?

• 20:18Speaker 03

  Oh, right, sorry, I got all over the place. Bottled, let's do bottled, but it depends what kind you're offering.

• 20:23Speaker 00

  What kind do you want? What was your dream?

• 20:25Speaker 03

  Recently, I've been enjoying Aquapana. The color of the bottle, I find very pleasing. The peach, I mean, it's clear, but you know, then the peach and the, it's like, the bottle's such a huge part of it when you're

• 20:36Speaker 00

  It feels very fancy, that one, doesn't it? It feels like you're, like in a white lotus property or something.

• 20:41Speaker 03

  Like Voss or something is a little, like, too modern.

• 20:45Speaker 00

  That feels too LA to me as well.

• 20:46Speaker 03

  Exactly, yeah.

• 20:48Speaker 00

  You want something with a bit of history to it?

• 20:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, the shape.

• 20:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 20:51Speaker 03

  Like the old days where they're trying to get us to drink the water cuz it was like shaped like a woman's hips or whatever. The Coca-Cola.

• 20:56James Acaster?

  Pamela Anderson.

• 20:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, who's, who's back and better than ever.

• 21:00Speaker 00

  Podcast before. The Pammy, the Pammy bottle. Was it Pepsi?

• 21:04James Acaster?

  It was Pepsi.

• 21:04Speaker 03

  Was it literally based on her?

• 21:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, they were, they had, they had, they released a version of it called the Pammy.

• 21:10Speaker 03

  Yeah. Well, you've seen like, cuz recently she's been making a lot of headlines because she's been just going very natural and it's stunning and we're all just like, very excited about it because

• 21:18Speaker 00

  I don't know how you'd put the new Pammy in a bottle formation.

• 21:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly.

• 21:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:22Speaker 03

  But they should try.

• 21:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, they should try. Yeah.

• 21:24James Acaster?

  Yeah, they should try. Shout out. I mean, we should all really, I mean, maybe one day in the future, who knows what technology will, will happen, but we'll all be given bottles in the shape of our own bodies.

• 21:34Speaker 03

  I know, they're, they want it.

• 21:36James Acaster?

  Good for you, yeah.

• 21:38Speaker 03

  They want it. It's like, no, like, you know, like, everything, cuz don't you feel like, there's so much where they're like, don't worry, like, it's about you now. And it's like, you're like, I don't want that, you know, like, they're like, you can make, it could be your face on the doll, you know, and it's like, I mean, like, the American Girl dolls, you know, like, I don't, I'm like, are they global? I don't know, but they have a, it was a catalog in like, you know, the nineties and then now it's like, huge store in Times Square, but it was like, they had these like historical dolls and they had characters and books that went along with them. And then suddenly it was like, you know, factory of choose the hair and, you know, and it was like, sort of like, options again, option fatigue.

• 22:17Speaker 00

  I don't want my face on a doll.

• 22:19James Acaster?

  I'd like your face on a doll.

• 22:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, but no, but we're saying that the companies want your own, yeah, friends faces, I want, yeah.

• 22:24Speaker 03

  The body is pretty disturbing because

• 22:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:27Speaker 03

  I once did this thing, I don't know if you've had the pleasure of doing this, but I sent it, it was like, whatever, it doesn't matter, but it's a suit you put on. And it uses your camera to basically like create a model of your body.

• 22:40Speaker 00

  Right.

• 22:40Speaker 03

  And I guess the idea was like sizing, like you could send this to someone and they could create your perfect jeans, but then the fitness community took it up and they're like, you know, they're like, oh, a centimeter's come off my waist and, you know, oh, my ass, I've grown it and like, whatever, you know, it's lifted. But there's something about seeing faceless, like you just as a prism of a shape.

• 23:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:03Speaker 03

  It's pretty haunting.

• 23:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:05Speaker 03

  You know what I mean? Like, almost no matter, like, what, you know what I mean? But you're just like, there's a lot of

• 23:11James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 23:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, cuz there's like bits of your body that you don't ever see from an angle, right? And then when you, for some reason, there's a mirror in a weird place, you're like, the fuck, that's what people have been seeing the whole time?

• 23:22Speaker 03

  It's shocking.

• 23:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:23Speaker 03

  It's shocking. And then just like, there's no clothes, there's no expression, like, you almost feel like, I feel like in life, you're sort of constantly contextual, or you believe you're contextualizing yourself, right? Like, you know, you're, you're leaning in with a certain

• 23:36Speaker 00

  You've got an idea of

• 23:37Speaker 03

  You're doing something with your body.

• 23:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 23:39Speaker 03

  Stock still.

• 23:41Speaker 00

  I mean, how do, how do you find that when you're like watching stuff back to edit? Because I've just, I've literally just had to watch my special back to edit.

• 23:48Speaker 03

  No, no, no, no.

• 23:49Speaker 00

  And I'm like, do, is that how I walk around? Do I walk around?

• 23:52Speaker 03

  I mean, the posture stuff, like right now, the posture stuff is insane.

• 23:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:57Speaker 03

  Like, it's like creating a serious crisis. I was like, wow, like, I was just like, okay, so that's, that's interesting. Also, you know, you kinda think, you kinda know internally, like you have a model of what faces you're making, just like, faces you make all the time. You kind of just assume, look a certain way. And then I feel like if you're watching back footage, you're like, whoa, like, did not know that that was that face.

• 24:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:22Speaker 03

  I know what it feels like to make that face cuz I know that moment in the show or whatever.

• 24:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:26Speaker 03

  And that is not what I think I'm doing.

• 24:28Speaker 00

  I've had that so much. And especially like, I'll be on the stage doing something that I must, I must have done the show like a hundred times. And there's like a bit where, you know, I think I'm really selling something and

• 24:38Speaker 03

  My god.

• 24:38Speaker 00

  I'm doing a great face to sell the bit. And then I watch it back and I'm doing nothing.

• 24:42Speaker 03

  There's zero.

• 24:43Speaker 00

  Nothing.

• 24:44Speaker 03

  This is why, like, okay, photo shoots, like, like, not that I've done a million, okay, but, but there's this like purist idea, it seems like, where you're really not supposed to have a mirror around, okay? They're like, it's very much like the photographer and you are engaged in a conversation, right? You know, and they're, they're capturing you. But I go, I'm so afraid of making like some ridiculous face that I almost go so neutral that I'm doing literally nothing and it's like the same photo over and over again.

• 25:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:10Speaker 03

  If I actually have a mirror, I do more cuz I'm like, I could see that I'm doing nothing. So then I adjust. So I'm starting to just be like, if I'm, if I get photographed, like, I need a huge mirror right in front of me. Like a teenage girl, like posing. It's the only way.

• 25:24James Acaster?

  Pablo's all bread. Pablo's all bread, Jack, and no, in fact, Pablo's all bread.

• 25:28Speaker 03

  Wait, what's the first thing you're saying?

• 25:29James Acaster?

  Pablo's all bread.

• 25:30Speaker 03

  What is that?

• 25:31James Acaster?

  Pablo's all bread.

• 25:32Speaker 03

  Pablo's?

• 25:34James Acaster?

  Pablo's all bread.

• 25:36Speaker 03

  Okay, well, the second thing is bread.

• 25:39Speaker 00

  The second thing is bread.

• 25:40Speaker 03

  I almost always choose bread over almost anything else. But truly, what, what is this word you're saying?

• 25:45Speaker 00

  Papa doms.

• 25:46Speaker 03

  And what is that? Pizza?

• 25:48Speaker 00

  No.

• 25:49Speaker 03

  You understand why I think that, right? Because Papa John's and, and Domino's Pizza, okay, too. So I was like, Papa John's.

• 26:00Speaker 03

  So Papa doms is clearly

• 26:01James Acaster?

  Papa doms is Domino's and Papa John's collab.

• 26:04Speaker 03

  I mean, has that not come up on the

• 26:07Speaker 00

  I genuinely don't think that has come up.

• 26:08Speaker 03

  Even from America?

• 26:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:09Speaker 03

  They all knew.

• 26:10James Acaster?

  No, all the Americans get confused at this bit, but in different ways.

• 26:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:15James Acaster?

  And that's the first time we've had, is it a pizza?

• 26:18Speaker 03

  I can't believe it's not a pizza.

• 26:19James Acaster?

  Papa doms. Papa doms.

• 26:21Speaker 03

  But will you, do you tell us ever, the Americans or no?

• 26:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 26:25Speaker 03

  It's okay if you don't.

• 26:25Speaker 00

  If you're having an, uh, an Indian meal, they'll bring out these round, very crispy things, which are Papa doms.

• 26:33Speaker 03

  Oh, wait, but it's not non.

• 26:36Speaker 00

  It's not non. It's very like thin.

• 26:38Speaker 03

  Is it, does it have air in the center?

• 26:40Speaker 00

  No, cuz they're so thin, they're just like big crisps, basically.

• 26:43Speaker 03

  Embarrassing. But wait, are they, I mean, for me, but are they called that in an Indian restaurant in America even?

• 26:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, surely, yeah.

• 26:51Speaker 03

  Are you sure?

• 26:52Speaker 00

  Well, I don't know.

• 26:53James Acaster?

  Papad as well.

• 26:54Speaker 00

  Papad, yeah.

• 26:55James Acaster?

  So like, it depends.

• 26:57Speaker 03

  Okay, I'm gonna check on this.

• 26:58Speaker 00

  Are you worried that the Americans would be confused because of the pizza thing?

• 27:01Speaker 03

  No, I'm worried, I'm going, this is embarrassing. This is like, I've never been in, what have I, never eaten Indian food? Although I actually had to, like, seriously pull back because so many of the dishes begin with nuts. Like, it's like, you know, almost like olive oil in Italian food or something, like, where even if they're like, yeah, it was like, I would go, I'd be like, this dish doesn't have nuts and then instant allergic reaction.

• 27:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:22Speaker 03

  It's devastating.

• 27:23Speaker 00

  What's, uh, what sort of reaction do you get? Is it?

• 27:27Speaker 03

  Oh, it's like mouth and throat, it's never closed where I can't breathe, but you're always like, right on the edge of that, like wondering, is this the time?

• 27:34Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 27:34Speaker 03

  And then, so it's just like the itchy, you know, unpleasant sensation and then just like, you know, violent vomiting.

• 27:41Speaker 00

  Cool.

• 27:42Speaker 03

  It sucks. It's the worst. And I love to go out to eat and these dramatic exits, you know, from the restaurant. One place in, it was amazing, one place in Los Angeles, basically, not just for me, but they basically pulled cashews off the menu. Because I was going there like nightly, I mean, I was spending a lot of money at this place and I had like two reactions and, I don't know, less people have, whatever, they, they started subbing in

• 28:09Speaker 00

  So you go nightly?

• 28:10Speaker 03

  Cheese. I get hooked on something.

• 28:13Speaker 00

  Even if you, so you had an allergic reaction once and then you were back the next night?

• 28:17Speaker 03

  Absolutely. Okay. We, we need to make a change around here.

• 28:22Speaker 03

  I, I did try to investigate what was going on, you know, figure it out, me and the manager. I was like, I had my ideas about what it was. I was like,

• 28:30Speaker 00

  Got a meeting with the manager.

• 28:32Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, we talked. Well, then she, she was, I mean, this was customer service. She was like, okay, when I order in, cuz I also order in from them, it's like, you have to call also. Just, I will do a double kind of roam through the kitchen.

• 28:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:45Speaker 03

  Really make sure we're not missing around. I was starting to think, I should just get them a set of my own pots. Cuz that was an issue, okay? I should be my own pots. I mean, I'm there enough, like, when you, when you, like, I don't know if you have any spots that you like, like, I just get on something and if I liked it yesterday, I wanna repeat it. Like, I'm just like, hey, remember how great yesterday was? Should we do it again? And then that goes until, I don't know, I become absolutely sick of it or something.

• 29:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:13Speaker 03

  But I don't always, I mean.

• 29:15Speaker 00

  I like the idea of you having your own pots in a, in a restaurant.

• 29:18Speaker 03

  I know.

• 29:18Speaker 00

  Is that, there's loads of bars in Japan where the regulars have their own bottle of whiskey with their name on a label attached to it, behind the bar, and it's only their whiskey.

• 29:27Speaker 03

  Oh, my god.

• 29:28Speaker 00

  So if you had a kitchen in a restaurant where it was just your pans, Jacqueline's pans.

• 29:32Speaker 03

  But I love a restaurant.

• 29:35Speaker 00

  Kept going, kept going to that same place.

• 29:36Speaker 03

  I wanna be in a restaurant. Yeah, I risk it again and again.

• 29:38Speaker 00

  Do you wanna shout that place out? Cause you go there so often.

• 29:41Speaker 03

  Crossroads.

• 29:42Speaker 00

  Crossroads.

• 29:42Speaker 03

  It's vegan.

• 29:43Speaker 00

  It's vegan.

• 29:44Speaker 03

  So that's how I am.

• 29:45Speaker 00

  So there's gonna be loads of nut, there's gonna be loads of nuts flying around there. Yeah.

• 29:49Speaker 03

  But because that's part of it, and then there's so many people with nut allergies, they're kind of like expanding or doing some of the nuts that have less, I guess less people are allergic to almonds. I'm not allergic to almonds. So like the almond feta. They got to expand, right? Like.

• 30:02Speaker 00

  They can't keep, but they can't keep knocking things off the menu. So they're already vegan and now they're taking cashews off. They can't, every time someone gets allergic to something, otherwise it's gonna be an imaginary restaurant.

• 30:12Speaker 03

  What are they?

• 30:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:13Speaker 03

  Well, I have of course fantasized about the nut, the truly nut free restaurant.

• 30:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:18Speaker 03

  And it's like, I know that other people have other allergies, but we should get a restaurant for them too.

• 30:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:22Speaker 03

  LA is very, LA is very, in theory, food restriction conscious between the diets and the, you know what I mean? Between it all. But people still want a restaurant experience. They still want to be in community. Here's my fear though. Like, let's just say we did it, right? Nut free restaurant. Okay. All those people, we go there. I feel like, like someone would sort of like bomb the place with nuts.

• 30:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:48Speaker 03

  You know, like there's that thing in people that just sees something and wants to destroy it.

• 30:52Speaker 00

  You're all so vulnerable in that one. Cause everyone knows your weakness, right?

• 30:56James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 30:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:57James Acaster?

  Sneaking a nut bomb.

• 30:58Speaker 00

  You just need to, yeah, or just throw, throw a cashew in like a grenade.

• 31:01Speaker 03

  Yes. It's terr, it's like the terrorism would be so easy.

• 31:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:06Speaker 03

  So you just, yeah. What do you do?

• 31:08James Acaster?

  So you're saying bread?

• 31:10Speaker 00

  Bread.

• 31:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. Last night I, I'm staying in this apartment where like, kind of like a service department thing connected to hotel. But then, so they put a few like snacks in there for you and I just like ate, like ate them all. Like it was like, just like ate plain bread, like lying on my back, watching TV, watching adolescence for the second time.

• 31:27Speaker 00

  Oh, your second.

• 31:28Speaker 03

  I was like, time to watch it again.

• 31:30Speaker 00

  What, what a laugh you had yesterday. How much fun? Eating plain bread, watching the saddest TV show available.

• 31:37Speaker 03

  I know, I know.

• 31:38James Acaster?

  Is that the Stephen Graham?

• 31:39Speaker 00

  It's phenomenal. It's so good.

• 31:41Speaker 03

  Oh, good. So you've seen it. Yeah.

• 31:43James Acaster?

  Oh, God, yeah.

• 31:43Speaker 00

  Familiar with Stephen Graham. Yeah.

• 31:45Speaker 03

  It's, yeah, yeah. So I was like, you know, I was eating the bread. I was like, you know, cause this is another pleasure I get when the food, when the food is sort of not, not good or not right. Like in theory, plain bread, unless it were fragrant, hot, whatever, it's not ideal, right? In theory, I'd want something with it. But the limitation of like, all I had, it's late, all I have is this bread. I'm just gonna eat it. It makes it like you're, you're starving and you just found a loaf of bread. And, and so, you know, like the toughing it version, that's actually might be like, I talk about this sometimes. I talk about food a lot when I'm not like, not in my last show, but maybe in this one, we'll see. Hungry Ghost or something. I don't know, there's some theme about that, but I talk a lot about like these food fantasies that are kind of like roughing it fantasies.

• 32:30Speaker 03

  There's something, that kind of restaurant, okay, where you're like brought in, you're like put in a room and you never know, like sometimes they, they hold you for three hours.

• 32:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:38Speaker 03

  And then you like drop a loaf in the center, but not quite enough. And everyone has to fight over it. Like, I don't know, like just like.

• 32:47James Acaster?

  That's what you would like?

• 32:48Speaker 03

  Well, I'm fantasizing, like to keep things interesting, like not fighting, just the people you're with. Okay? Like you're in a room, a loaf of bread comes in, there's like the sounds of a rainstorm and you're like.

• 33:03Speaker 00

  I get, sometimes I, the little food fantasy for me is like, um, it's medieval times and I'm like, and I get given, I'm working in like a field.

• 33:12Speaker 03

  This is exactly.

• 33:13Speaker 00

  Given a roll, a lump of cheese and then like a, a jug of ale.

• 33:17Speaker 03

  This is exactly it. Okay? And it's like, nothing's ever tasted so good.

• 33:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just incredible.

• 33:23Speaker 03

  So thankful.

• 33:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my hands are dirty, but I don't care.

• 33:26Speaker 03

  This is, it's precisely that. And it's like, kind of this, well, do you get any pleasure from like secret eating? Like.

• 33:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, sure.

• 33:35Speaker 03

  You know, like, kinda like.

• 33:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, my favorite restaurant is like, is like hiding it in a shed, you know, like. Stealing food, stolen food.

• 33:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Stolen food. So this is, this is your dream meal. We can put you in a shed by yourself.

• 33:50Speaker 03

  I know, I'm realizing.

• 33:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:51Speaker 03

  I know, it's like, it's so much easier to.

• 33:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:54Speaker 03

  It's like, oh, yeah, it doesn't matter. Yeah, bread.

• 33:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 33:57Speaker 03

  But dropped in, maybe a little ruined, like half of it got like rained on.

• 34:00James Acaster?

  But on the floor, you had to fight for it.

• 34:02Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Have you killed anyone for it? Or is anyone dead?

• 34:06Speaker 03

  No, no. You know, I don't think I wanna fight anyone for it. That's too stressful. Cause I already experienced that. No, exactly. Yeah, exactly.

• 34:12Speaker 00

  You, you're in charge of splitting it. You give everyone a bit.

• 34:16Speaker 03

  Food is, yeah, that's.

• 34:18Speaker 00

  Is that part of it?

• 34:19Speaker 03

  I'd love to go to Tenardier's.

• 34:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:21Speaker 03

  Pub.

• 34:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:22James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 34:23Speaker 03

  Where the food is, where it's like, stews are made of something questionable, but.

• 34:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:28Speaker 03

  Times are tough.

• 34:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:31Speaker 00

  Today's episode of the Off Menu Podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.

• 34:38James Acaster?

  Ah, man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan. Do you know what I mean?

• 34:43Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofas, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast, but you know what? We very rarely talk about where we wanna eat this dream meal.

• 35:03James Acaster?

  Sure. Yeah. I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the set in the vibe. And Cozy's modular customizable furniture for the whole home does just that.

• 35:13Speaker 00

  And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room. And I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful cozy table. Linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James. You're a mucky pup.

• 35:35James Acaster?

  I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the cozy furniture?

• 35:38Speaker 00

  No, don't worry about that, James, cause it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs. You telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere. Don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.

• 35:50James Acaster?

  Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?

• 35:54Speaker 00

  Absolutely. That's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well. And that's where Cozy comes in.

• 36:10James Acaster?

  And because it's cozy, the furniture isn't just good looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers and free design consultations, if you want help making the whole room work.

• 36:22Speaker 00

  And it's easy to order, ship and assemble and maintain, James. The only way is the cozy way.

• 36:28James Acaster?

  Visit Cozy today. That's C O Z E Y dot com and make yourself at home.

• 36:37Speaker 01

  Most women have been there. Something feels off. You don't feel like yourself, yet your doctor says everything looks fine. Spoiler, it's your hormones. Midi is a virtual care platform built for women by women and offers specialized hormone care from trained clinicians. Plus it's covered by most major insurances. Getting started is easy. You can book your first visit with a clinician right away. It's not you, it's your hormones. Visit joinmidi.com to book your first visit. That's join M I D I dot com. Insurance coverage varies. Check with your plan for coverage.

• 37:10Speaker 00

  Your dream starter?

• 37:12Speaker 03

  Only one. Cause to me, like a salad is its own thing that I do like, right? But then I am lured by a soup. Okay. Like it's hard to resist. It's hard to resist a soup because also it goes down easy. So I feel like you're not too full for whatever's coming next. I'm trying to think. I like a personal.

• 37:33James Acaster?

  It's very on, like what you've been talking about so far, soup is very much in that kind of world, isn't it?

• 37:40Speaker 00

  You're freezing, you're wearing fingerless gloves.

• 37:42Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. It's very Oliver, like, please sir, can I have some more? It's like my restaurant, you know, it's like.

• 37:49Speaker 03

  Begging.

• 37:49James Acaster?

  Wooden spoon.

• 37:50Speaker 03

  Or like even like the, the spoon is too small. It's one, like too small or too big, right?

• 37:55Speaker 00

  You are the first person on the podcast who's themed their menu around lack of availability.

• 38:00James Acaster?

  Or comfort.

• 38:02Speaker 03

  I know. It's like, yeah, suddenly it's all coming alive for me. Cause I was trying to imagine this perfect meal or something. And then it was too like stressful. But a beautiful soup with a drizzle of something, you know, still. I want a soup. I kinda want some kind of salad. And then I was just thinking like, but I also like something that's a dip experience. Like very happy to get a, I mean a guacamole. I'm very happy to get some warm chips. I know we are very bread on the table, but appetite, we don't have to worry about appetite. We'll assume I'm endlessly hungry.

• 38:29James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah. You're endlessly hungry. It's fine. Yeah, yeah.

• 38:32Speaker 00

  I mean, judging by the way you're talking, you're endlessly hungry because you've been in the wilderness for a week.

• 38:36James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 38:37Speaker 03

  Yes, exactly.

• 38:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:39Speaker 03

  I've been in the.

• 38:39James Acaster?

  Long way.

• 38:41Speaker 03

  Should I go more specific? Like, I think I want the soup to be a sort of creamy soup.

• 38:46Speaker 00

  You can go even more specific.

• 38:47Speaker 03

  Oh, you know what I love? An oyster cracker. Is that what they call them here still?

• 38:50Speaker 00

  Now, are they the little, they come in little bags?

• 38:53Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 38:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:54Speaker 03

  But they're, they're like a little circle, kind of, but they puff out like what I thought the other thing was, but isn't. Okay? And it's like, it's as if they hold cracker, cracker style air inside them. See what I'm saying? It's like they hold special.

• 39:09Speaker 00

  Do they serve them with chowder quite a lot?

• 39:11Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 39:11Speaker 00

  Yes. Okay.

• 39:12Speaker 03

  It's the only time I get to have them. And so it's like, you bite into them and there's a little pop of air that has been living inside of a cracker. And in my mind, it's completely impenetrable, like.

• 39:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, flavored air. Yeah.

• 39:26Speaker 03

  That's good.

• 39:26James Acaster?

  Yeah. So you like some oyster crackers?

• 39:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:31Speaker 00

  What sort of

• 39:31Speaker 03

  It's like the finest thing, but also I'm letting go of, um, I mean, cause it's like, it would be easier if I were like, okay, we're at Italian. What are you doing? Or at whatever, right? It's like to put together this meal of all these different things. It's not how I'd want it. It's like, I wouldn't want the guacamole and the chowder.

• 39:46James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 39:46Speaker 03

  But it's giving me everything, so it's too hard.

• 39:49Speaker 00

  But you can put restrictions on yourself if you want. You can say it's gonna be, it's gonna, it's an Italian meal.

• 39:53Speaker 03

  Oh, I have to come back next week and do Mexican then.

• 39:55James Acaster?

  Yeah, sure.

• 39:56Speaker 03

  And then next week I can do, this is an issue. Should we do Italian? No, no, I wanna fly free. I wanna fly free.

• 40:01Speaker 00

  Fly free?

• 40:02James Acaster?

  Fly free.

• 40:03Speaker 03

  Oh, something tomato based.

• 40:04Speaker 00

  But a minute ago you were complaining about having to fly free, Jacqueline.

• 40:07Speaker 03

  I know. I'm a con, I'm a contradiction.

• 40:11James Acaster?

  So what you, what you're leaning towards?

• 40:15Speaker 03

  I think I'll stick with some kind of like bisque. Maybe it's cause I'm here that I'm craving for a bisque.

• 40:22Speaker 00

  It's the first time we've heard the word bisque and.

• 40:25Speaker 03

  I don't, it's really about what I'm feeling today, right? Right now, a bisque. Maybe it's cause I had all that plain bread last night and yearning to dip, dip it in something. I'm craving a, it's like almost a little rainy. I don't know. I think London's doing it to me.

• 40:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:38Speaker 03

  I'm not like screaming about bisques at home. Not that they're even like a thing. I don't know. Like, are they a thing here?

• 40:44Speaker 00

  I was.

• 40:45Speaker 03

  Like a chowder.

• 40:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, like a chowder or like a lobster, a lobster bisque.

• 40:49James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 40:49Speaker 03

  I mean, which is like notably heavy.

• 40:52Speaker 00

  Famously not vegan as well.

• 40:53Speaker 03

  I know, I know, but you know.

• 40:54James Acaster?

  What flavor would you like this?

• 40:55Speaker 03

  They'll find their way. I don't mind a lobster bisque.

• 40:58James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 40:58Speaker 03

  I guess now I'm kind of putting together like, like a steak. This is like a steak meal, setting aside the steak, but like, oh, you know what I love? So I was saying tomato based, basically anything tomato, I'm interested, right? Salsa, you know, any tomato sauce in an Italian setting. When they have an incredible like tomato and they would thickly sliced, I feel like I haven't had a good tomato in a long time, but like, like I'm just like fantasy from childhood. Like at a steak restaurant, it'd be like the big, the big sliced tomato and the, just the salt and pepper on the tomato.

• 41:30Speaker 00

  Good tomatoes, hard to find.

• 41:32James Acaster?

  Got some heritage tomatoes at home in the fridge. I'm gonna.

• 41:34Speaker 03

  Really?

• 41:35James Acaster?

  I'm gonna get home and eat them tonight. Chop them up in a, some olive oil and some salt.

• 41:39Speaker 00

  You're crazy, man.

• 41:40James Acaster?

  Hmm?

• 41:41Speaker 00

  You're crazy.

• 41:41Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 41:42James Acaster?

  I'm crazy.

• 41:43Speaker 03

  Yeah, so something bread, something tomato. I like a wedge salad. Again, this is very rich. This is a very rich meal. How do you feel about a wedge?

• 41:49Speaker 00

  I don't think it's a rich meal.

• 41:51Speaker 03

  Well, if I do bisque.

• 41:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, but you haven't decided you're doing. You haven't decided you're doing bisque.

• 41:56Speaker 03

  I was trying to move on to the next phase without the true decision, you know what I mean?

• 42:00Speaker 00

  So you wanna do, do you wanna do a bisque? Lobster bisque?

• 42:03Speaker 03

  This is getting really rich. I don't know. I.

• 42:06James Acaster?

  Well, it's not, we haven't even started.

• 42:09Speaker 00

  So far, you've had still water.

• 42:11Speaker 03

  Still water.

• 42:11Speaker 00

  You've got still water.

• 42:12James Acaster?

  You've had some plain bread that you had to fight over.

• 42:14Speaker 03

  Here's an idea, here's an idea.

• 42:16Speaker 00

  It's not rich at all.

• 42:17Speaker 03

  I need an appetizer, okay, or starter.

• 42:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:18Speaker 03

  Okay. I need a starter, I need a salad and I need a soup. That'll help me. I'm getting all those things.

• 42:23Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 42:24Speaker 03

  Right?

• 42:25James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 42:26Speaker 03

  Okay, so I'm thinking like the salad, I want something, I think I want something light and sort of like arugula kind of, do you even call it that here?

• 42:34Speaker 00

  Rocket.

• 42:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, rocket. That's so cool. Yeah, I love that. It's like shocking.

• 42:39James Acaster?

  I think arugula sounds cool.

• 42:41Speaker 03

  Really?

• 42:41Speaker 00

  Rocket? Hello?

• 42:43Speaker 03

  I mean, rocket.

• 42:44Speaker 00

  That's way cooler.

• 42:45James Acaster?

  Sorry, I forgot you were five.

• 42:49Speaker 00

  Oh, just go to space on this arugula.

• 42:51Speaker 03

  What's rocket again? I'm always like, what's rocket? You know, I'm like, and then you're here for a couple of weeks and you're like, I'll have the rocket.

• 42:58Speaker 03

  But anyway, yeah, so something like tangy, kind of vinegary, kind of that kind of thing going. And like a soup, it can be small.

• 43:03Speaker 00

  You're even holding your hands out like Oliver.

• 43:05Speaker 03

  I know.

• 43:05James Acaster?

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 43:07Speaker 03

  I know, I know. And because I'm traveling, I feel like there's also that, you know, I'm roaming, I'm a nomad. I have that feeling very much of like, like, please.

• 43:18James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 43:19Speaker 03

  Like, is she ready for to not yet to, to, to welcome me and like, and, and rip me off?

• 43:25James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 43:26Speaker 03

  And then, okay, uh.

• 43:28Speaker 00

  So we've got soup in the salads.

• 43:29Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know.

• 43:30Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 43:31James Acaster?

  So what, have we settled on the soup? It's the lobster bisque.

• 43:35Speaker 03

  Sounds weird to me now.

• 43:36James Acaster?

  Every time you hear lobster bisque.

• 43:38Speaker 03

  Okay, how about a cream of like, how about a pureed kind of pumpkin-y, that kind of soup?

• 43:42James Acaster?

  Pumpkin soup?

• 43:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:43Speaker 03

  That sounds ridiculous when you say it.

• 43:45Speaker 00

  Tomato?

• 43:46Speaker 03

  What about a ever so slightly creamy tomato?

• 43:49Speaker 00

  Okay, lovely.

• 43:50Speaker 03

  That'll do.

• 43:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:52Speaker 03

  Maybe I'm imagining like, kind of like a giant crouton that's like not crassly square, like not crassly a cube, kind of rough, you know, like.

• 44:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:01Speaker 03

  That salad, almost pulled apart.

• 44:03Speaker 00

  Hand torn, hand torn crouton.

• 44:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, exactly. A little olive oil drizzle.

• 44:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:08James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 44:09Speaker 00

  I think you want rustic. Is it, I think you're in a rustic mood.

• 44:11Speaker 03

  I mean.

• 44:12James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 44:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, this is not the time for like, you know, a tower of, of tower of tuna.

• 44:20Speaker 03

  You know what I'm talking about? Where it's like a totem pole of tuna.

• 44:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. It's not, it's not tower of tuna.

• 44:25Speaker 03

  I don't mind those.

• 44:25James Acaster?

  No, no, we're not doing the tower of tuna.

• 44:27Speaker 03

  I don't mind those, but yeah, I don't, yeah, rustic, full, full, full plates.

• 44:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:32James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 44:33Speaker 03

  Not a bunch of porcelain staring at me.

• 44:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:35Speaker 03

  Coldly.

• 44:36Speaker 00

  Maybe almost like tin plates.

• 44:38Speaker 03

  Oh, I don't know if I've really experienced that.

• 44:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:41James Acaster?

  There's metal plates?

• 44:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, metal plates.

• 44:43Speaker 03

  I kinda see it.

• 44:43James Acaster?

  Like.

• 44:44Speaker 00

  It's made in a tavern. I'm thinking tavern. I'm thinking.

• 44:46James Acaster?

  Tavern or like a prison in lightness time.

• 44:49Speaker 00

  By a woman with one, with one tooth.

• 44:51Speaker 03

  Are you? Yeah. Well, that's fantastic.

• 44:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 44:54Speaker 03

  The wench kind of experience.

• 44:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 44:56Speaker 03

  But do you not include a cocktail for any reason? Are you sober?

• 44:59Speaker 00

  Well, we do, no, we do the dream drink later on.

• 45:02Speaker 03

  Okay, just coming later.

• 45:04James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah, you'll, you'll.

• 45:04Speaker 03

  I like it on an empty stomach, what can I say?

• 45:07Speaker 00

  If you wanna kick off with a cocktail.

• 45:09James Acaster?

  Yeah, you can have it whenever you want.

• 45:10Speaker 03

  I think just like a, um, maybe like a spicy sort of tequila type of drink.

• 45:18Speaker 00

  A spicy margarita?

• 45:19Speaker 03

  I mean, yeah, but I want it to be your restaurant to be your, your own take on that, you know? Like, like a fruit I'm not expecting.

• 45:26Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 45:26Speaker 03

  You know, like, well, we've got these very strange peaches. This is getting a little precious, I know, but, but that we're like, very strange peaches. They're very small and they're very tart.

• 45:36James Acaster?

  It'd be something we stolen from an orchard or something?

• 45:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:40Speaker 03

  Yes, they're in a sack.

• 45:41James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 45:41Speaker 03

  They're in a little sack. You pull them out and only cause of like glory, like you see like my excitement about the cocktail, you're like, she's got something special. We're gonna tell her about the tiny peaches.

• 45:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:52Speaker 03

  Do you, this, I wonder if they're out there. Like, didn't there was a tiny tart peach in the world?

• 45:57Speaker 00

  Probably.

• 45:57Speaker 03

  And then imagining, it was like a margarita kind of thing.

• 46:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:00James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 46:01Speaker 00

  But with a tiny tart peach.

• 46:02Speaker 03

  Shaving it into there. So there's little threads of the, um, actual like, um, skin.

• 46:07Speaker 00

  Yeah. We have a little.

• 46:09Speaker 03

  Skin on the top.

• 46:10Speaker 00

  This little kid who nicks them for us and comes around the back of the restaurant.

• 46:14Speaker 03

  And you give him, you give him.

• 46:15James Acaster?

  An urchin.

• 46:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, a little urchin.

• 46:17Speaker 03

  I love a street urchin.

• 46:17Speaker 00

  Ah, the peach boy's here.

• 46:19James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 46:20Speaker 03

  I love the peach boy. And then you give him a little, you give him like some scraps.

• 46:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, he loves scraps.

• 46:25James Acaster?

  He gets scraps.

• 46:26Speaker 00

  He eats shit loads of the peaches as well.

• 46:28Speaker 03

  He's so small that he can.

• 46:29Speaker 00

  You got, you got any scran?

• 46:32Speaker 03

  What is scran?

• 46:33James Acaster?

  Some food.

• 46:33Speaker 00

  Food. You got any scran for all peaches?

• 46:35Speaker 03

  It's not a specific one.

• 46:36Speaker 00

  No, we give him one coin as well.

• 46:38Speaker 03

  I.

• 46:39James Acaster?

  Flip it to him.

• 46:40Speaker 03

  He loves it.

• 46:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 46:40Speaker 03

  I would love to be that little boy.

• 46:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:43Speaker 03

  That would be so great.

• 46:44Speaker 00

  But they make good margaritas, those tiny little peaches.

• 46:47Speaker 03

  Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 46:49James Acaster?

  We have that.

• 46:50Speaker 03

  But I think I want it in a, this is, this is, this is different. I want it in a coupe glass, not in a rocks glass. You know, you know what I'm talking about, right?

• 46:56James Acaster?

  Mm hmm. What the?

• 46:57Speaker 03

  I love to drink a cocktail out of that.

• 47:00James Acaster?

  You want a glass that is, what, the triangle shape or the?

• 47:02Speaker 03

  I like the rounder one.

• 47:04James Acaster?

  The round, yeah, I get, I get what you mean. Like, like you might have a gimlet in one of those kind of glasses?

• 47:10Speaker 00

  Or champagne in, in, uh, revolutionary France, uh, where apparently, you know this.

• 47:16James Acaster?

  You know who you're talking to.

• 47:17Speaker 00

  The glass was modeled on the shape of Mary Antoinette's, Antoinette's breast.

• 47:22Speaker 03

  Wait, are you serious right now? Okay, I thought you were, I thought you were just like making a gag about.

• 47:26Speaker 00

  No, no, no. Apparently the glass was modeled on the shape of Mary Antoinette's breast.

• 47:30James Acaster?

  Yeah. Listen, if you wanna be on a podcast where the hosts know what glasses and bottles were modeled on different women's breasts. You came to the right one.

• 47:41Speaker 00

  The original Pappy Buffalo.

• 47:43Speaker 03

  This is a good, I'm gonna start saying, if I go to a fancy place where I feel like they know that kind of stuff, I'm gonna go like, I'm gonna be like, I hear that that's Tommy Lee Jones's shoulder. I said Tommy Lee, which sounds like, I'm sorry, I didn't, I literally meant Tommy Lee Jones.

• 47:58James Acaster?

  If I want value for money and it's a, and it's a Tommy Lee Jones body part, oh, Tommy Lee Jones, sorry, I'm getting Tommy Lee.

• 48:04Speaker 03

  But I meant Tommy Lee Jones.

• 48:06James Acaster?

  You said Tommy Jones, yeah, who is not.

• 48:09Speaker 03

  Bizarrely. He visually came to mind. It wasn't the name that got me there. Anyway, but I'm gonna be wrong and I'm always gonna make it men's bodies.

• 48:16James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 48:16Speaker 00

  Tommy Lee Jones and Pappy around something.

• 48:18Speaker 03

  That's Washington's.

• 48:19James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 48:20Speaker 03

  That's Ben Franklin's ear.

• 48:24Speaker 03

  And then I won't let them tell me otherwise.

• 48:26James Acaster?

  Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you should, you should say something.

• 48:28Speaker 03

  Okay, so wait, we've got, we've got a simple tomato kind of thing going.

• 48:32James Acaster?

  Yeah, cream of tomato soup with the big hand pulled crouton in it. We've got a rocket salad.

• 48:37Speaker 00

  And we've got the small tart peach margarita spicy in.

• 48:42Speaker 03

  It doesn't have to all come together. People understand, right?

• 48:45James Acaster?

  Sure, doesn't have, yeah.

• 48:46Speaker 03

  No, I mean, I mean, like, you know, I wouldn't put this on someone else. This would be my first, okay, I come to the dream restaurant, right? I make all these mistakes.

• 48:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:55Speaker 03

  Like, like I am right now, where I go like, and a peach margarita. Oh, but I love Mexican food. Oh, but it, it, it, right?

• 49:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:01James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 49:01Speaker 03

  And then I go, okay, I go, I need to come back. And I, I need to come back several times. And I mean, I'm just pitching myself for the podcast again.

• 49:09Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 49:10Speaker 03

  I guess, but what do you do the second time you come to this restaurant? Serious question.

• 49:15James Acaster?

  What, what do you mean?

• 49:16Speaker 03

  Like, I would probably come in, I would probably force myself to choose a pathway.

• 49:21Speaker 00

  I mean, currently I would say, best way to play it, force yourself to choose a pathway the first time.

• 49:28Speaker 03

  No, no, it would be inauthentic. It'd be deeply inauthentic. So, so all I'm saying is I know that this meal doesn't come together for someone else and I wouldn't serve it that way. But I wanna go through each moment on its own, almost like that's the only thing I'm getting to eat. So I'm just explaining that I know that it, you know, I'm not standing by the menu for anyone else, but it's just what I want right now if I'm calling for things. So I go, yeah, let's get, um, yeah, I'll have rocket salad. Actually, I'm over that now. I want the wedge again.

• 49:52Speaker 00

  I think now then, if that's what, what's gonna happen and that's how we're working it, I think the moment you order something.

• 49:58Speaker 03

  You, you call it.

• 49:59Speaker 00

  It's on the menu and we can't go back.

• 50:01Speaker 03

  No, great, great.

• 50:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:02Speaker 03

  Hey, you guys, this is your restaurant, okay?

• 50:04James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 50:07James Acaster?

  So.

• 50:08Speaker 03

  It's on you, it's on you.

• 50:09James Acaster?

  So what have you got so far?

• 50:10Speaker 00

  No, we don't need to recap every time. We've recapped about four or five times.

• 50:15Speaker 03

  Genius, okay.

• 50:15Speaker 00

  I think we move, we move on now.

• 50:17Speaker 03

  You guys are looking at each other like, like this has never happened.

• 50:23Speaker 01

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• 51:02James Acaster?

  Well, I guess dream main course then.

• 51:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:04Speaker 03

  Impossible. All right. Why don't we do, I'll have a pasta tonight. That's, that comforts me. This is what I have to do in a regular restaurant. I start menu, I'm having the anxiety and I go, I can come back. This isn't my last meal.

• 51:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's important to remember.

• 51:17Speaker 03

  And so, all right, all right, I'm letting go of everything. We're doing a rocket salad, just, just to get things going.

• 51:23Speaker 00

  We don't need to.

• 51:23Speaker 03

  We're doing a little soup. No, I'm changing it up a little bit. I'm trying to get, give it some order. No, no soup. Now it's become Italian. We've got the bread.

• 51:31Speaker 00

  The soup's in the kitchen. The soup's coming out.

• 51:35Speaker 03

  All right, it's, soup's on the way, but I, I think I still want a pasta. I want something, I want a tangy pasta. A lot of tomato sauce is my classic.

• 51:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 51:41Speaker 03

  Extra sauce, don't, I don't want it, you know, even if it's, even if the chef thinks it's crass.

• 51:47Speaker 03

  Load me up, right?

• 51:48Speaker 00

  Do you want an extra jug of sauce on the side that you can keep?

• 51:50Speaker 03

  I mean, I'll take it if they're offering.

• 51:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, we are.

• 51:53Speaker 03

  Like, you know, when, when they like, I would order in and I'd have to be like, I would get these like zucchini sticks, these like fried, like whatever. And they come with a little marinara, but it was never enough. And I would have to be like, how many will you give me? How many are you comfortable giving me? It was like, you'd get like two dips.

• 52:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:10James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah. It's not, it's not.

• 52:11Speaker 03

  And then they started giving me the really, so let's say like a pasta, I'm thinking like, almost like a bucatini, like a amatriciana kind of thing. Like, that's what the capers and the, right? And the olives. That kind of pasta.

• 52:24Speaker 00

  Putanesca?

• 52:25Speaker 03

  Oh, no, maybe I am thinking of putanesca. Wait, what's amatriciana? Oh, amatriciana.

• 52:28Speaker 00

  Similar, I think.

• 52:29Speaker 03

  Similar, but it's got the meat maybe in it?

• 52:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:32Speaker 03

  Like, it's got, um.

• 52:34Speaker 00

  Putanesca's the anchovies and olives and capers, right?

• 52:36Speaker 03

  I love all that. Yeah, yeah. Well, vegan anchovy.

• 52:40Speaker 00

  Vegan anchovy?

• 52:41Speaker 03

  Somebody's working on it. They just did vegan caviar.

• 52:43James Acaster?

  I'll make it, I'm a genie. I can make all these things that like, they never were alive.

• 52:47Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 52:48James Acaster?

  It's just food.

• 52:49Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 52:49James Acaster?

  Straight away.

• 52:50Speaker 03

  My stomach growls. My stomach growls. Like, your hands are moving, saying, you know.

• 52:55Speaker 00

  Anchovies feel like the sort of thing that vegans should be able to eat, right?

• 52:58James Acaster?

  Right about that.

• 52:58Speaker 03

  I mean, it's just, cause it's really.

• 53:00Speaker 00

  Some vegans eat oysters, right?

• 53:01James Acaster?

  Clearly not.

• 53:02Speaker 03

  Oh, I see what you're saying.

• 53:03Speaker 00

  They're so small and they're not, they're thick.

• 53:05Speaker 03

  Well, it's not necessarily for the, for the moral.

• 53:08James Acaster?

  But their IQ has nothing to do with it.

• 53:10Speaker 03

  It's more a health thing related to whatever. It's a whole thing. But like, going down this path by reading these books, deciding this is the way. But then ultimately, very happy. It's nice to be able to be like, you know, not have the animal thing haunting the meal.

• 53:25Speaker 00

  Sure, but they're barely animals.

• 53:26Speaker 03

  You mean about the thick anchovy.

• 53:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're barely animals.

• 53:29Speaker 03

  I was wondering, I was thinking about vegetables earlier, like, you know, what's going on in there?

• 53:34James Acaster?

  Why their heads?

• 53:35Speaker 03

  Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly like.

• 53:36Speaker 00

  Don't go down that path, Jacqueline, cause then you, next time you come into the dream restaurant.

• 53:40Speaker 03

  Rocks. All I can have is a rock.

• 53:43Speaker 03

  I eat tiny stones.

• 53:46Speaker 00

  But then you think, oh, they're so tiny, those little.

• 53:48Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, no one thinks, no one thinks, they're the saddest ones of all. No one even thinks they have consciousness.

• 53:54James Acaster?

  So your main course is the pasta dish?

• 53:56Speaker 03

  It's a pasta. Let's just, you know, it's a delicious pasta. There's still bread on the table that I'm dipping.

• 54:03James Acaster?

  Of course.

• 54:03Speaker 03

  At the end.

• 54:04James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 54:11James Acaster?

  So your dream side dish then, to go with that?

• 54:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, what's going with it? Do you want to recap on what you've had so far?

• 54:17Speaker 03

  I mean, it's boring, but I, it's boring.

• 54:20James Acaster?

  You're all over the place.

• 54:22Speaker 03

  Well, my favorite side dish in life arguably is, is a french fry, but that's not happening here. I know, it wouldn't be good with a pasta and I know that, okay?

• 54:29Speaker 00

  No.

• 54:30Speaker 03

  But, so when I'm having pasta, I kind of like just a cruel vegetable on the side, you know?

• 54:35James Acaster?

  Cool?

• 54:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, like, just like a spinach, you know, like, just like, like not even greased up. Like, I kind of just like, kind of want.

• 54:42Speaker 00

  Almost like a punishment vegetable.

• 54:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 54:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, just kind of offsetting. Remind me, bring back the rustic nature.

• 54:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:49James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 54:49Speaker 03

  We still have, you know, there's something to move between, like, okay, the pasta's like, mm, it's like so tasty. And then you go over, you have kind of like a punch of that, like a little punch in the mouth of the spinach.

• 54:59James Acaster?

  Is it wilted?

• 55:01Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah.

• 55:02James Acaster?

  Yeah. Creamed?

• 55:03Speaker 03

  No. Not when I've got the other creams going on. Yeah.

• 55:07James Acaster?

  It's too nice.

• 55:07Speaker 03

  It's gotta be like, clear the palate almost, to come back to the warm comfort.

• 55:11Speaker 00

  You just want iron. You want to feel like you're eating vitamins. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

• 55:15Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah, pasta, pasta. I mean, come on. At the end of the day, you gotta admit, a bowl of pasta, I mean, does it?

• 55:24Speaker 00

  It's good stuff.

• 55:24James Acaster?

  It is. No, yeah, yeah.

• 55:26Speaker 03

  But I'm also so off of my like.

• 55:28Speaker 00

  You don't have to get us to admit that you.

• 55:30Speaker 03

  That my meal is perfect.

• 55:32James Acaster?

  But we're having a real, I, I know that our job here is to make you go, yeah, that's the right decision. Don't worry about it.

• 55:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:37Speaker 03

  You've realized what I, what I crave.

• 55:42James Acaster?

  Cause, cause when we move on to it, to the next, to each next one, you always roll back to the previous one and go, hold on a second.

• 55:48Speaker 03

  I do?

• 55:49James Acaster?

  I said pasta. Yeah. So when we went on main course, you were like, so hold on, the soup and the salad.

• 55:54Speaker 03

  No, right.

• 55:54James Acaster?

  And, and maybe I shouldn't have the soup. And then we had to move you on to the pasta.

• 55:57Speaker 03

  No, you always have to move me on. I'll never move on.

• 56:00James Acaster?

  And then we moved on to the side dish and you went, pasta.

• 56:04Speaker 03

  Yes. No, no, right, right, right. Cause it's narrative.

• 56:07James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 56:08Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 56:08Speaker 03

  A meal tells a story. Wait, I have to break in with one idea, which is, I don't know if this has ever come up for you, okay?

• 56:15Speaker 00

  But I'm, I'm gonna say almost certainly not.

• 56:20Speaker 03

  Okay, so, so my friend who, who, like, this is a million years ago, but she told me, and she would dine all over the world, all these amazing places. And she was like, go to a really nice place. What you want to do? And she, and you gotta make, it's gotta be a nice place where it's irritating, okay? You go, they ask you what, and you go, build me a meal.

• 56:37James Acaster?

  Build me a meal.

• 56:38Speaker 00

  Build me a meal.

• 56:39Speaker 03

  Basically, you let them, cause they know, if you don't have any restrictions or if there's any, you know, they know the best stuff. It's like, it's, and it's not like, tell me what you like. And then you sit there and deciding, go, oh, is it like this? It's just like, I trust you.

• 56:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:52Speaker 03

  I'm hungry. I trust you. Can you imagine the freedom, the relief? And then in knowing you've, you've chosen, right?

• 56:57James Acaster?

  This is how Robert De Niro lives his life. Robert De Niro just goes from restaurant to restaurant and just says, I'll have what's good.

• 57:04Speaker 03

  Wait, are you serious? I never heard this about him.

• 57:06James Acaster?

  He just says, I'll have what's good.

• 57:07Speaker 00

  Have what's good.

• 57:07James Acaster?

  And then they just bring him what's good.

• 57:09Speaker 03

  Oh my God, I bet they do. And I bet they over serve. Well, it depends.

• 57:14Speaker 00

  Unfortunately, he did take that approach when he was on this podcast and it sort of ruined the format.

• 57:22Speaker 03

  So he, no, so I did less than that. I mean, I did more than that.

• 57:25Speaker 00

  You did more than that.

• 57:26James Acaster?

  You've gone the other way.

• 57:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 57:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, I've gone, right. I've over ordered, some would say.

• 57:29James Acaster?

  Anti De Niro.

• 57:30Speaker 00

  You're the anti De Niro right now.

• 57:36James Acaster?

  Your dream drink then?

• 57:37Speaker 00

  So we've had a cocktail. You've had the small, small peach.

• 57:40Speaker 03

  You mean like pairing with the meal?

• 57:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:42Speaker 03

  I'm a pig. I never yearn for like wine during the meal. I'm always just like, I'm always like, bring me back your cocktail menu, like, cause I want to try more things.

• 57:52James Acaster?

  I'm, I'm like you. I'm, I'm.

• 57:53Speaker 03

  Cocktails all the way?

• 57:54James Acaster?

  Cocktails all the way.

• 57:55Speaker 00

  We had a New Year's Eve together once where it was an absolute disaster.

• 57:58Speaker 03

  Oh my God.

• 57:59Speaker 00

  Because a lot of us were doing the wine pairing and every time we got a new little glass of wine brought to us, by the way, so James would have a new cocktail.

• 58:06Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 58:07James Acaster?

  Absolutely.

• 58:08Speaker 03

  What do you love? Do you love, do you love a martini? What do you love?

• 58:12James Acaster?

  Yeah, I love a martini. A vodka martini.

• 58:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 58:15James Acaster?

  Um, and like, at the minute, I used to have them very clean, but now very dirty martinis.

• 58:23Speaker 03

  Have you ever gotten it too dirty? I thought you couldn't. And then once I did and I was like.

• 58:26Speaker 00

  You can get it too dirty.

• 58:27Speaker 03

  And you're like, yeah.

• 58:29James Acaster?

  Yeah, I still wanna, I don't wanna just taste brine and that's it.

• 58:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:32James Acaster?

  Hmm.

• 58:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 58:33James Acaster?

  But I haven't had one that's too dirty yet. I don't know. They've, they've, they've been pretty, pretty good.

• 58:38Speaker 03

  What's the most exciting cocktail right now? Is there anything on the, on the streets?

• 58:42Speaker 00

  I had a cocktail recently, which I really loved, a restaurant called Cornus. It was a clarified coffee Negroni.

• 58:50Speaker 03

  No.

• 58:51Speaker 00

  Which I thought was absolutely phenomenal.

• 58:53Speaker 03

  Oh my God. Okay, that, this is fresh.

• 58:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. And it was at lunch as well. It was an early lunch. So we were meeting at noon and had it. That's the first thing I had, clarified coffee Negroni. So you feel like you're kicking off your day in style. It was really, really good.

• 59:06James Acaster?

  Classy.

• 59:07Speaker 00

  So that's the, for me, that's the hot cocktail news on the streets.

• 59:10Speaker 03

  Okay, thank you. That's good. That's good. Do you think that's something you could, no, you can't just order that anyway. They don't have the clarified coffee, right? You gotta go to Corners?

• 59:18Speaker 00

  Cornus. C O R N U S. If you went, I, I'm sure if you went there, you could just say, have you got a seat at the bar or something maybe?

• 59:26Speaker 03

  Uh, no, I mean, you couldn't simply order it at any restaurant. It's not like on the streets in that way.

• 59:30Speaker 00

  I think it's specifically.

• 59:31Speaker 03

  Anything like that in your mind right now? Like, is there anything that's like taken over? Like, for a little while, espresso martini was like really everywhere.

• 59:37Speaker 00

  Negroni, but that's been a couple of years, I think.

• 59:39Speaker 03

  Sort of a classic.

• 59:40Speaker 00

  Yeah. Same with spicy margaritas.

• 59:43Speaker 03

  Right.

• 59:43Speaker 00

  Everywhere. I don't know if there's a new one sneaking up.

• 59:46Speaker 03

  No, I know. It's like, there is, that's why I had to bring in the peach.

• 59:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 59:50Speaker 03

  Something a little boring about the spicy margarita, but I can't, I can't deny it. I want it.

• 59:53Speaker 00

  I feel like it always starts in the States as well. So I feel like you'd know better than us.

• 59:56James Acaster?

  Hmm.

• 59:57Speaker 00

  It's probably some protein thing.

• 1:00:00Speaker 03

  So I guess I'm ordering, oh, right, right, right, right. Horrifying. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:05Speaker 03

  The, the protein stuff is too much. It's, um, it's like every internet recipe is like, whey protein, like, look at it, like, it'll do amazing things.

• 1:00:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:00:15Speaker 03

  You put this in the microwave and it'll grow to the size of the microwave in minutes. And then it's like, there's like, I don't know, they're, they're trying stuff over there. Um, so I guess I'm getting another cocktail and for that cocktail, I'm trying something else. Maybe I'll stick with the same spirit.

• 1:00:32Speaker 00

  Did you pick a?

• 1:00:32James Acaster?

  Tequila.

• 1:00:33Speaker 00

  Tequila, tequila, tequila, tequila.

• 1:00:34Speaker 03

  Originally, I did.

• 1:00:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:36Speaker 03

  Fuck it, I'm getting a martini. No, this meal is chaos and I'm gonna allow it.

• 1:00:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:40James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:00:40Speaker 03

  Let's try your martini. Let's try a straight up dirty.

• 1:00:44Speaker 00

  Vodka.

• 1:00:44Speaker 03

  Vodka martini.

• 1:00:45Speaker 00

  How many olives?

• 1:00:46Speaker 03

  Bare minimum, two.

• 1:00:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:48Speaker 03

  And then three I respect.

• 1:00:51James Acaster?

  Anchovy?

• 1:00:52Speaker 03

  You know, I've never done it.

• 1:00:54James Acaster?

  Chuck it in there?

• 1:00:55Speaker 03

  I've never done it. I've never even, I don't think I've even seen it.

• 1:00:58Speaker 00

  I've never seen an anchovy martini. I've seen an oyster, oyster martini, a whole oyster in there.

• 1:01:04Speaker 03

  With the, the shell?

• 1:01:06Speaker 00

  With the shell.

• 1:01:06Speaker 03

  Cause that's where it's at, right?

• 1:01:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:09Speaker 03

  Like, I mean, I do, I feel like Ursula, you know, in Little Mermaid, like, that's what I really enjoyed about oysters. Like, you know, you just really feel like you're down there.

• 1:01:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:19Speaker 03

  You feel like you're.

• 1:01:20James Acaster?

  The way that Ursula in Little Mermaid eats oysters.

• 1:01:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:23Speaker 03

  Yeah. And then, and doesn't she use something as a lipstick? It's very, it's like.

• 1:01:27Speaker 00

  I can't remember what she uses as a lipstick. She was great, Ursula. I was very scared of her when I was a kid.

• 1:01:31Speaker 03

  Incredible. I used to pretend, I used to do her numbers.

• 1:01:34James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:01:34Speaker 03

  Alone in the basement. Ariel's as well, but, you know.

• 1:01:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:38Speaker 03

  Poor unfortunate souls.

• 1:01:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:43Speaker 00

  So we arrive at the Dream Dessert. This is where the ice cream chat.

• 1:01:47Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:01:48Speaker 00

  This is where the ice cream chat comes back around.

• 1:01:50Speaker 03

  Oh wait, I have three in mind.

• 1:01:51Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:01:52Speaker 03

  I thought two seemed ambitious.

• 1:01:55Speaker 03

  Okay. I'm thinking back to this dessert that one summer I got at this place I really like in New York. I'll just repair you so that I went like a lot. And it was, don't recall its name. Okay. But there were strawberries. There was some kind of creamy ice cream type thing. I bet I could find it out. And then this other layer of sort of lighter cream. And this sort of drizzle. It was just, maybe there was a little spongy something on the bottom. Okay, it was like, I'm gonna find out its name. I'm gonna find it out. It was incredible. But then I was just thinking, last night someone was talking about, um, what is it called? Affogato? Is that what it is?

• 1:02:30Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:02:31Speaker 03

  Where the espresso is, is cutting through the ice cream. So like, what I like about that is it's like, it's an experience because it's, it's not like a unified thing you're eating, right? Sort of like something that's unfolding in time. Like, it's like, cause you pour it and then it's starting to cut through the ice cream.

• 1:02:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:52Speaker 03

  Like, what do you do? Like, where do you put your spoon, right? Like, are you just going for a spot of ice cream that's been perfectly sort of cut by, by a hot bit of? You know what I mean? Like, where do you, where do you go? Where do you run?

• 1:03:03Speaker 00

  Where do you start? And it's constantly developing.

• 1:03:05Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:03:05Speaker 00

  And I'd say, personally?

• 1:03:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:03:10Speaker 00

  Spoonful of the ice cream with the coffee on it. Maybe it's a bit of the coffee pooled at the bottom of the spoon. That's my first bite.

• 1:03:17James Acaster?

  I think the pooling is important.

• 1:03:18Speaker 00

  The pooling's important. Then maybe I'm going for just a spoonful of coffee.

• 1:03:24Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:03:24Speaker 00

  Which has just had some ice cream start to permeate it.

• 1:03:27Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:03:28Speaker 00

  So that's mainly coffee.

• 1:03:29Speaker 03

  You're experiencing different.

• 1:03:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to get all the different combinations.

• 1:03:32Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:03:33Speaker 00

  Eventually, you're gonna get to the point where half the ice cream's gone. And then I'm, I'm leaving that for a little bit.

• 1:03:40Speaker 03

  Oh, I thought you meant forever.

• 1:03:41Speaker 00

  No, not forever.

• 1:03:42Speaker 03

  I was like, ew.

• 1:03:43Speaker 00

  I'm letting it, I'm letting it develop. And then I'm.

• 1:03:46Speaker 03

  Spooning?

• 1:03:47Speaker 00

  I'm, I'm, I'm drinking. I'm drinking like a creamy coffee.

• 1:03:51Speaker 03

  Oh, my God. I'm gonna have to have that tonight, I think. Some version.

• 1:03:56James Acaster?

  There's a place called Brat.

• 1:03:58Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:03:59James Acaster?

  Who, and they do, oh, you have to go there. They do an excellent espresso, um, affogato with salted caramel ice cream. And the espresso at the top is amazing. And they do an oyster shell martini as well, which is very delicious.

• 1:04:15Speaker 00

  I mean, you can't have any of those things.

• 1:04:17Speaker 03

  Well, I'll figure it out.

• 1:04:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:19Speaker 03

  I'll make something happen.

• 1:04:20James Acaster?

  Do you not have any of that?

• 1:04:21Speaker 03

  Well, I mean, I mean, I, I can have anything because it's not, it's all just a choice. You know what I mean?

• 1:04:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:28Speaker 03

  Like, that's why I'm not like, I'll say in a restaurant, like vegan, because it is helpful to them. But like veganism is its own full on, like, kind of like moral stance. And I'm not trying, like newly plant based, so I can't like claim any.

• 1:04:42Speaker 00

  What do you feel like you, is, are you looking to upgrade to being able to call yourself vegan? And what steps do you think you'll have to take?

• 1:04:48Speaker 03

  I don't know, because I don't trust that I don't read another book in a year and decide that something else is the way. You know what I mean? Like, I, I'm not, I'm like, I'm nothing. I'm a woman, you know? Apparently, well, we'll see, you know, like, I hate to make any claims.

• 1:05:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, I was vegan for like nine months.

• 1:05:05Speaker 03

  Really?

• 1:05:05Speaker 00

  Because I read a book that I thought was cool.

• 1:05:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:05:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:08Speaker 03

  So right now, yeah, I get very.

• 1:05:10Speaker 00

  Metas for pussies.

• 1:05:10Speaker 03

  I used to be. Then you decided what?

• 1:05:13Speaker 00

  It was called Metas for Pussies, the book.

• 1:05:15Speaker 03

  Oh, genius.

• 1:05:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:16Speaker 03

  Genius. I mean, they need to get, they, they gotta break down.

• 1:05:19Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:20Speaker 03

  The toxic.

• 1:05:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:21Speaker 03

  Ideals to get in there. That's very.

• 1:05:24James Acaster?

  So we're having that strawberry dessert.

• 1:05:26Speaker 03

  I'm still, I know, because I can't remember its name, it's falling apart on me. But then I suddenly remembered, it's very hard not to order a tart or a pie. It's on a menu. So just thinking about those again. But I'm gonna stick with the affogato.

• 1:05:38James Acaster?

  Yesterday, I had the best lemon meringue pie I've ever had in my entire life. My sister made it. My sister made this lemon meringue pie. It was from the Humminbird Bakery Cookbook. But it's the first time she'd made it, made it. And she was like, oh, it's a bit, there's some like syrupy, sugary syrupy things happened. I don't know what, I'm sure when I, when I make it in the future, that won't happen again. But there's a bit of that swimming at the bottom.

• 1:06:01Speaker 03

  Oh, my God.

• 1:06:02James Acaster?

  Never change it.

• 1:06:03Speaker 03

  Never change it.

• 1:06:04James Acaster?

  Because it is soaked up in the pastry. So the pastry now is basically lemon meringue pie flavor. So the pastry on its own, if you had that on its own, it tastes like a lemon meringue pie.

• 1:06:12Speaker 03

  You're getting it.

• 1:06:12James Acaster?

  It's got all that syrup soaked up in it. It was absolutely delicious. It was the creamiest, uh, uh, lemon, uh, tart. It was incredible.

• 1:06:22Speaker 03

  I love a lemon based dessert. Well, first of all, key lime pie.

• 1:06:26James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:06:26Speaker 03

  I mean, similar, right?

• 1:06:27James Acaster?

  Great.

• 1:06:28Speaker 03

  Like, you know what I love? And I always think of it like, in my mind, it's like a British, it's ginger lemon creams, these cookies.

• 1:06:34James Acaster?

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:06:34Speaker 03

  They're like.

• 1:06:35James Acaster?

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:36Speaker 03

  They're almost like a rogue interest. I feel like as a statesman, like, oh, like, it's always like, oh, like, I don't know, like, no one wants that. You know what I mean? But then I secretly want the ginger lemon cream, like anything, tart lemon, a lemon bar. When I see that, that lemon, you know, that part of it, like you, if there's a bunch of like cookies or something with like a fruit center, don't you just grab it and like, like, one by one, like lick the delicious fruit part out? Not that I don't want the cookie there, I do, but like.

• 1:07:07James Acaster?

  Sure.

• 1:07:08Speaker 03

  In a pinch?

• 1:07:09Speaker 00

  Yeah. But we can do that for you in the Dream Restaurant. As you're leaving, there can just be a line of those cookies lined up to the door, like a little tray of them. And you can just eat the fruit out the middle.

• 1:07:18James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:19Speaker 03

  Just thinking if I've missed anything. I mean, you know, it's a, you know, it's an experience. It's like I was roaming down a street, popping into nine dream restaurants and trying things, I think.

• 1:07:30James Acaster?

  Okay. Well, I'll read your menu back to you.

• 1:07:32Speaker 03

  Oh, no. This is where it all falls apart.

• 1:07:34Speaker 00

  And this is, this is locked in now, right?

• 1:07:36James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:07:38Speaker 03

  You're trying to give me an out and I appreciate it.

• 1:07:39Speaker 00

  Well, I just, I feel like.

• 1:07:41James Acaster?

  This is locked in.

• 1:07:42Speaker 00

  I think it's locked in.

• 1:07:43Speaker 03

  I'll accept.

• 1:07:44Speaker 00

  Because I, I think we're about to watch you go through absolute turmoil when you get this back.

• 1:07:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm really, look at me, I'm bracing.

• 1:07:51James Acaster?

  Aquapana, water.

• 1:07:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:07:53James Acaster?

  Bread that you've had to fight over, that's like been thrown on the floor.

• 1:07:56Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, that was a good part.

• 1:07:59James Acaster?

  You want a small tart, peach, spicy margarita, arugula salad, slightly creamy tomato soup with a hand torn crouton in it.

• 1:08:09Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 1:08:10James Acaster?

  You want tangy tomato sauce pasta with anchovies and olives and capers. You want a cruel vegetable on the side, like a wilted spinach.

• 1:08:20Speaker 00

  Plain, plain spinach.

• 1:08:22James Acaster?

  You want a dirty vodka martini and affogato and like a lemon tart.

• 1:08:29Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah. And, and my berry memory that I can't quite access.

• 1:08:32James Acaster?

  And the strawberry, and the vague strawberry dessert.

• 1:08:35Speaker 00

  Did you call it a berry memory?

• 1:08:36James Acaster?

  Berry, and you would like the berry, the berry, the berry memory as well.

• 1:08:39Speaker 00

  Your berry memory.

• 1:08:40James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:08:41Speaker 03

  You could serve me a, yeah, just like a puff of the memory, like.

• 1:08:44Speaker 00

  So if you're a puff of memory, of course we can.

• 1:08:46James Acaster?

  That's way more coherent than I've.

• 1:08:47Speaker 03

  I know.

• 1:08:48Speaker 00

  Given how we got there.

• 1:08:50Speaker 03

  I know.

• 1:08:50Speaker 00

  I was expecting insanity when we read that back. Yeah. Sounds.

• 1:08:55Speaker 03

  It sounded fantastic. I know it seemed a little tomato heavy perhaps, but I can't, I mean, I'm not upset about that.

• 1:09:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:02James Acaster?

  I'd eat all of that.

• 1:09:03Speaker 00

  Yeah. But, but then right at the end, the puff of the berry, berry memory.

• 1:09:06James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:09:06Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:07Speaker 00

  Yeah. A vape. Someone brings a vape in.

• 1:09:10Speaker 03

  So hungry and excited now.

• 1:09:11Speaker 00

  Thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant, Jacqueline.

• 1:09:14James Acaster?

  Thank you, Jacqueline.

• 1:09:14Speaker 03

  So fun to be here, thank you.

• 1:09:22Speaker 00

  Thank you so much to Jacqueline for coming on the pod. Don't forget to watch Jacqueline's special, Get on Your Knees, on Netflix. Keep an eye out for future gigs. jokesnovak.com is where you'll find out details about when Jacqueline is next in the UK. If you're UK based, uh, but if you're US based, I'm sure she'll be near you soon.

• 1:09:39James Acaster?

  And Jacqueline didn't say knees.

• 1:09:40Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:09:41James Acaster?

  We didn't kick her out of the Dream Restaurant, which is a relief.

• 1:09:43Speaker 00

  Yes, a real relief, which means you get to come and see my show, Fresh Hell, at gamble.co.uk.

• 1:09:48James Acaster?

  You're talking to Jacqueline when you say that?

• 1:09:50Speaker 00

  Yeah. Congratulations, Jacqueline, you get to buy a ticket for my show.

• 1:09:54James Acaster?

  That's, that's very exciting for you.

• 1:09:56Speaker 00

  Yeah. Big news.

• 1:09:57James Acaster?

  Yeah. Huge news.

• 1:09:58Speaker 00

  Yeah. But thank you for listening or watching, as some of you insist on doing.

• 1:10:03James Acaster?

  Yeah.

• 1:10:04Speaker 00

  We'll see you again soon. Goodbye.

• 1:10:05James Acaster?

  Goodbye.