Tim Key (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall)

Happy Shall I Be Mother’s Day! Comedian, poet, Bafta-nominee, bath-lover and poppadom-smasher Tim Key returns to the Dream Restaurant for a live Off Menu episode at the Royal Albert Hall. Tim Key is on tour now with ‘Loganberry’. For dates and tickets go to www.timkey.co.uk http://timkey.co.uk His book ‘LA Baby’ is out now. Buy it here: https://www.utterandpress.co.uk/products/l-a-baby Follow Tim on Instagram @timkeypoet https://www.instagram.com/timkeypoet Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the Royal Albert Hall. Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here https://youtu.be/ug7YEj14yFQ. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Uh-oh, it's the Off Menu podcast, bonus.

• 0:15Speaker 01

  Bonus!

• 0:17Speaker 00

  This is one of the bonus live episodes from the Royal Albert Hall, James, on our run at the Royal Albert Hall.

• 0:23Speaker 01

  Record-breaking run.

• 0:24Speaker 00

  Record-breaking run at the Royal Albert Hall. The record is most amount of times we've been in the Royal Albert Hall.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, no one can take that away from us.

• 0:32Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 0:33Speaker 01

  This is Tim Key, of course.

• 0:34Speaker 00

  Tim Key, doing a tasting menu. He's been on the pod before, he's back on the pod, receiving the menu of another previous fan favourite guest. This was a fun one, James, as it always is when Tim's in the room.

• 0:46Speaker 01

  Yes, Tim brings the fun. Everyone knows that about Tim. The key stands for key to the fun house.

• 0:54Speaker 00

  Key to the fun house, yes, and it's a universal key.

• 0:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, skeleton key?

• 1:01Speaker 00

  Skeleton key.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  We've all got skeletons in us.

• 1:04Speaker 00

  There's so many good titles he could have if he just, you know.

• 1:07Speaker 01

  Oh, if he wanted to go down the pun route, he'd never ever run out of stuff.

• 1:11Speaker 00

  If, but he's too like, oh, he's above that, isn't he?

• 1:14Speaker 01

  He is.

• 1:15Speaker 00

  If he just decided he wanted to be for the people, he'd have some really good titles.

• 1:20Speaker 01

  He'd have quite the career on his hands.

• 1:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, he could do a show with his family called Bunch of Keys.

• 1:24Speaker 01

  Oh, Bunch of Keys. They're called Stand in a Circle.

• 1:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  Keyring. Look, some of the stuff that we say in this episode might not make sense because there was a first half as well, so we might be referring back to that at some point.

• 1:37Speaker 00

  Or it just might not make sense.

• 1:38Speaker 01

  When we went on and talked to the audience, yes, some of them might not make sense.

• 1:41Speaker 00

  It's a fun episode though, James, so let's get on with it. This is the Off Menu tasting menu.

• 1:46Speaker 01

  Of Tim Key.

• 1:48Speaker 00

  Bunch of Key.

• 1:58Speaker 00

  Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the roast dinner of conversation, putting it in the blender of humour, hitting the big red button of chat and serving it all up as just normal prison food. If you're just listening to this podcast, you wouldn't have heard the opening half. So that prison food was a reference to a hilarious running joke in the first half about the serial killer Ted Bundy.

• 2:29Speaker 01

  That's a gamble, my name is James Acaste, huh?

• 2:31Speaker 00

  You said Ted Bundy at the same time as me, as if he was our guest.

• 2:35Speaker 01

  Walks out.

• 2:38Speaker 00

  I'll have whatever's good, whatever's good.

• 2:40Speaker 01

  He was famously charismatic, so I think he'd be a good guest.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  He'd be a good guest, yes, yes, yes. I did a bit of research, it was what they normally serve to death row prisoners if they don't request anything. Steak, eggs, hash browns, coffee, orange juice, and then he didn't even eat it anyway.

• 2:55Speaker 01

  Didn't eat it?

• 2:55Speaker 00

  He didn't eat it.

• 2:56Speaker 01

  I guess he probably had everything on his mind.

• 2:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  Guess I'm about to die. That's a gamble, my name is James Acaste, together we own a drink restaurant, and every single week, we invite a guest and ask them the favourite ever start of main course, dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, it's a tasting menu, and please welcome to the stage, our guest, Tim Key! Hello, Tim.

• 3:35Speaker 00

  Right there, Tim! It's Tim Key!

• 3:39Speaker 01

  Tim Key's here.

• 3:42Speaker 00

  Tim Key! How are we doing, Tim?

• 3:45Speaker 02

  Not bad, is it? Phone's off?

• 3:48Speaker 01

  Phone's not in the dressing rooms for us, but yeah.

• 3:51Speaker 00

  Phone's off, I think.

• 3:52Speaker 02

  That's on silent.

• 3:53Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 3:55Speaker 01

  Thank you for that.

• 3:57Speaker 00

  A very respectful podcast, guys.

• 3:58Speaker 02

  Pardon me?

• 3:59Speaker 01

  What's the last text that you got?

• 4:01Speaker 02

  Last text? In we go. It's Tim Vine.

• 4:11Speaker 01

  Tim Vine?

• 4:12Speaker 00

  Tim Vine.

• 4:13Speaker 01

  And the text says?

• 4:20Speaker 02

  Oh, that's amazing. I'll get it. I'll get on to it now.

• 4:25Speaker 00

  Want to reveal more, or should we leave it mysterious?

• 4:30Speaker 01

  Give Tim's text like memento.

• 4:36Speaker 02

  Actually, he's put another text after that.

• 4:38Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 4:38Speaker 02

  Spoke to jobins, and it probably won't actually be on sale till next week.

• 4:44Speaker 00

  Well, more of those to come throughout the episode.

• 4:49Speaker 01

  You're excited about this, Tim? You're getting someone else's menu?

• 4:53Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's fantastic to, you know, just sort of be at the Albert Hall and discuss Tessa Sanderson's starter.

• 5:02Speaker 01

  Very exciting. When you came on the podcast originally, you chose chicken shakooti as your main.

• 5:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, I did, yeah.

• 5:08Speaker 01

  Which I had introduced you to. And then I saw your film, The Ballad of Wallace Island.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  And you had a shout-out to chicken shakooti in that?

• 5:19Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah, I referenced your recommendation to me.

• 5:23Speaker 01

  That was...

• 5:24Speaker 02

  That must have been a big moment in your year.

• 5:27Speaker 01

  It was huge. I was so excited.

• 5:29Speaker 00

  It really was. He was really excited.

• 5:31Speaker 01

  We got sent an advance screening because we were gonna interview Carey Mulligan for it.

• 5:36Speaker 02

  Was it advanced?

• 5:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:38Speaker 02

  It was advanced.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  I was watching it at home on my laptop, and I had to pause it and tell my partner, "Chicken shakooti just got a shout-out. I'm pretty sure that's down to me."

• 5:44Speaker 02

  She wasn't watching it with you?

• 5:46Speaker 01

  No, I didn't. No interest.

• 5:49Speaker 00

  Not a fan. Not a fan.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  But you brought her in to tell her that your recommendation had got in the movie, yeah.

• 5:57Speaker 01

  Okay. She went, "That's very nice, dear."

• 5:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, "Thanks for speaking so warmly about the movie."

• 6:04Speaker 01

  "It's a lovely movie, and we're all very proud of you."

• 6:06Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. No, it's an absolute... Well, go down as a classic, I reckon.

• 6:09Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:12Speaker 02

  Difficult to say, you know, because when the eye of the storm... Go on, what are you gonna say?

• 6:17Speaker 02

  Something about your podcast?

• 6:21Speaker 01

  Was I about to say something about my podcast?

• 6:24Speaker 02

  You'd be within your rights.

• 6:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:27Speaker 00

  It's gonna... It will come up, Tim, just to let you know.

• 6:29Speaker 01

  It will come up.

• 6:30Speaker 00

  Moving forward, once we've started it properly, because we've not started it properly yet, because do you remember James is a genie in this?

• 6:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I heard him talking on a different podcast about it, as if it was like a great work of character comedy.

• 6:46Speaker 02

  He's talking about it like he was playing René Artois.

• 6:50Speaker 00

  What podcast was he doing that on?

• 6:52Speaker 02

  Comedians Comedian with Stuart Goldsmith.

• 6:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:55Speaker 01

  Don't talk about being the genie on that.

• 6:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, you really started dissecting it.

• 7:00Speaker 00

  That's interesting. I didn't know you'd put so much work into the character of the genie, James.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  Well, I didn't know that I did that. I'm gonna have to go and listen to this now.

• 7:06Speaker 00

  Do you remember what sort of things he was saying?

• 7:08Speaker 02

  I don't remember. We can put it on if you like.

• 7:12Speaker 01

  Play it for everyone. Really serious about being the genie.

• 7:15Speaker 02

  Well, what is your view on how you came up with that character? Now, in the cold light of day.

• 7:20Speaker 00

  And then I'll tell you my view.

• 7:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, and then I'll do mine.

• 7:24Speaker 02

  Could fill some questions as well.

• 7:25Speaker 01

  I guess my view is, we were gonna do a podcast, and I just said to Ed, "I'm gonna be a genie."

• 7:32Speaker 00

  Yeah. My memory of it was that he just did it on the first episode without asking.

• 7:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:37Speaker 00

  So then there was no chance of discussing the fact that he was a genie in it.

• 7:41Speaker 01

  No, my memory is I had asked, and you and Ben had both said no.

• 7:45Speaker 00

  Yes. So, I mean, cask of a diff, really.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, cask of a diff.

• 7:51Speaker 02

  My memory is, "I've created the next Del Boy. Well done me."

• 7:55Speaker 01

  I thought I said it was Stuart Goldsmith's podcast.

• 7:57Speaker 00

  Well, you do need to get fully into character, James. So this is part... You get to see the process.

• 8:02Speaker 02

  Oh, he goes over there, doesn't he?

• 8:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:04Speaker 02

  Oh, does he come out through that bit?

• 8:05Speaker 00

  He comes out through that bit. But, Tim, do you remember, if you're a fan of... Yeah, sorry. For you guys, that was amazing. James is in the lamp. For you guys, less impressive.

• 8:17Speaker 00

  What do people have to do to get genies out of lamps? Do you remember that from your childhood?

• 8:22Speaker 02

  It's the old rub, isn't it?

• 8:23Speaker 00

  It's the old rub. Would you care to rub?

• 8:25Speaker 02

  I'll go and have a rub.

• 8:26Speaker 00

  Please.

• 8:27Speaker 01

  I'd say this venue's big enough that most of them can see me.

• 8:35Speaker 00

  Oh, he's gone round the back. This is an unusual method from Tim.

• 8:38Speaker 02

  Well, sorry, am I rubbing the spout?

• 8:39Speaker 00

  No, no, no. You can rub the back.

• 8:40Speaker 02

  No, I'm happy to rub the spout.

• 8:41Speaker 00

  It's dealer's choice.

• 8:43Speaker 02

  I might stroke the spout.

• 8:44Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 8:52Speaker 01

  Welcome, Tim Key, back to the Dream Restaurant, we're going to spend even some time.

• 9:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, it doesn't feel exactly like a podcast in the traditional sense.

• 9:05Speaker 01

  That was pretty good though, don't you think?

• 9:06Speaker 02

  Pretty good, that was fantastic.

• 9:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 9:08Speaker 02

  You're like a young Christopher Biggins.

• 9:09Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 9:11Speaker 02

  Not a criticism?

• 9:12Speaker 01

  No, not a criticism, no, hey, he's one of the greats, I saw him in a lift once.

• 9:17Speaker 02

  Keep talking.

• 9:18Speaker 01

  Uh, it was in, I believe, the Wolverhampton Premier Inn.

• 9:22Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 9:23Speaker 01

  Uh, breakfast, I just had my breakfast, there was one minute to go before breakfast stopped. I was waiting for the lift to go back up to my room, it opened, Biggins there, just all over the place. Clearly just getting there as late as he could to get breakfast, but clearly it was part of Biggins' normal routine. Didn't get the impression it was the first time he'd done this, it's a standard for Biggins. It's one minute before breakfast finishes, he's down there.

• 9:46Speaker 02

  When I met Biggins, it was in a small restaurant in Wimbledon, and he was about 20 metres away from me, and I heard him, crystal clear, saying, "Christopher Biggins!"

• 10:03Speaker 00

  Hang on, I do need to dig down into the story slightly.

• 10:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 10:08Speaker 00

  Was Biggins, was he arriving at the restaurant and telling them that he had a booking under the name Christopher Biggins, or was he sat down at his table already?

• 10:14Speaker 02

  It wasn't apropos of nothing, he wasn't just reminding people, he was shaking someone's hand.

• 10:20Speaker 00

  Fantastic.

• 10:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, introducing himself, so actually, legit.

• 10:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:25Speaker 02

  It's just the sheer volume, "Christopher Biggins!"

• 10:29Speaker 00

  Do you go full name when you introduce yourself to people?

• 10:32Speaker 02

  Um, no.

• 10:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:35Speaker 02

  It sounds, it sounds like a bit of a sort of a, you know, clang.

• 10:39Speaker 00

  Name dropping yourself.

• 10:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, slightly. I'll go Tim.

• 10:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, lovely, lovely, classic.

• 10:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, how about you?

• 10:45Speaker 00

  I think I'd go Ed, I think I'd go Ed, but maybe in the sort of business scenario, I might go Ed Gamble.

• 10:51Speaker 02

  Well, yeah.

• 10:51Speaker 00

  Please don't ask me what business scenarios I'm talking about. Because I panicked and said business.

• 10:56Speaker 01

  What if you met Meryl Streep?

• 10:57Speaker 00

  Have I met Meryl Streep?

• 10:58Speaker 01

  What if you met Meryl Streep and she said, "Meryl Streep"?

• 11:01Speaker 00

  Oh yeah, I'd probably go, "I know."

• 11:05Speaker 02

  Merrill.

• 11:07Speaker 01

  I can't imagine her just saying Merrill.

• 11:10Speaker 02

  How do you introduce yourself? Who are you?

• 11:14Speaker 01

  Depends if I'm deep in character as the genie or not. If I see Stu Goldsmith, I'll introduce myself as the genie and ask him to refer to me as such throughout the podcast.

• 11:23Speaker 00

  The genie is, is the genie just called the genie or is the genie called James Acaster? This is something we've never established.

• 11:28Speaker 01

  Never thought about this. I guess the genie is just called the genie. In Aladdin, the genie doesn't have a name that's like a full name. It's not like later on you learn he's called Ollie Stephens or something.

• 11:43Speaker 02

  What was the example then?

• 11:44Speaker 01

  Ollie Stephens.

• 11:47Speaker 00

  But was the genie?

• 11:48Speaker 02

  No, I think you're right. He wasn't called Ollie Stephens.

• 11:51Speaker 01

  That genie in Aladdin is not called Ollie Stephens there anymore.

• 11:54Speaker 00

  No, by the way.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  I've met my friend Ollie Stephens. Genie's there.

• 12:01Speaker 01

  Craig Simons, of course.

• 12:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:04Speaker 01

  That's a meal, gutting way of finding out most people haven't seen my new stand-up show.

• 12:14Speaker 01

  Um, Tim, whose menu are you hoping for?

• 12:16Speaker 02

  Oh, great.

• 12:18Speaker 01

  But a lot of guests on this pod, a lot of people you admire.

• 12:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:21Speaker 02

  You've had some absolute classics on over the years, I must say. Um, who would I like to be acquainted with?

• 12:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:30Speaker 02

  Um, Grace Dent.

• 12:32Speaker 01

  Grace Dent, food critic, of course, so is that your thinking there? You just want some of the finest food recommended by a food critic?

• 12:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, that would be quite a good one. I did hear Alex Horn's one and yeah, that wasn't a great menu.

• 12:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was disgusting. We did give that to someone else. I don't even know if that menu's, if that episode's been out yet.

• 12:49Speaker 00

  No, we have, yeah, we have given Alex's to someone else. Absolutely disgusting.

• 12:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, they weren't impressed by it.

• 12:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:54Speaker 02

  Okay, well, let me see. What have I got?

• 12:57Speaker 01

  Today, Tim Key, we're giving you the off-menu menu.

• 13:00Speaker 00

  Of Nish Chima!

• 13:05Speaker 00

  Look at that photo. Holy heckens!

• 13:08Speaker 01

  Where is he there? Mr. Bond?

• 13:10Speaker 00

  It's, it's gotta be the BAFTAs or something, hasn't it? Jesus Christ, Nish.

• 13:15Speaker 02

  Didn't see him there.

• 13:20Speaker 00

  Wowzers. That is, I'd say there's probably one month every five years where Nish has trimmed his beard and had a haircut. And that, that was in that window and fuck me, he's sexy.

• 13:31Speaker 01

  If you can, uh, uh, just Google when Nish hosted the Mash Report during Covid. The first episode of that is absolutely crazy because he had his...

• 13:41Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 13:42Speaker 01

  He had to just do everything himself.

• 13:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, he tried to trim his, he trimmed his own beard, did it wrong and then had to shave everything off and he looks insane.

• 13:50Speaker 01

  I'm surprised Ben didn't use that as a photo.

• 13:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. He went with a lovely photo.

• 13:54Speaker 01

  This is our guest tomorrow here.

• 13:56Speaker 02

  Oh, is he, right?

• 13:57Speaker 01

  So we thought it would be fun.

• 13:58Speaker 00

  That's a secret, by the way.

• 13:59Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 13:59Speaker 01

  Is it?

• 14:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 14:01Speaker 02

  That gets announced on the day.

• 14:07Speaker 02

  That goes on the Instagram account, doesn't it?

• 14:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, so it goes on the Instagram account tomorrow.

• 14:11Speaker 02

  They'll do that in the morning, James.

• 14:12Speaker 00

  Yeah. It's because everyone...

• 14:14Speaker 01

  Too late, it's sold out apparently.

• 14:16Speaker 00

  Now they know it's going, yeah, but it was going...

• 14:17Speaker 02

  Well, it's sold out on your terms.

• 14:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:22Speaker 02

  You'll sell 2,500 and have 20 in, but it feels full with 20.

• 14:27Speaker 00

  The issue is, if, if any right-wingers have bought tickets, they're not going to come tomorrow. If they know Nish is on.

• 14:34Speaker 01

  Oh, that's true.

• 14:34Speaker 00

  All of our right-wingers who come.

• 14:37Speaker 01

  Oh, no, so I've just like...

• 14:38Speaker 02

  They'll be in tonight.

• 14:38Speaker 01

  ...binned out the audience even more.

• 14:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:42Speaker 01

  Going to play the hardy, anyone? Sorry, scrub it from your minds, Nish isn't here tomorrow. I'm getting bollocked when I come off.

• 14:50Speaker 02

  You may as well say which menu he's doing.

• 14:59Speaker 01

  I can't remember.

• 15:02Speaker 00

  Now, Tim, are you excited to maybe be experiencing Nish Kumar's dream menu?

• 15:06Speaker 02

  I am extremely excited. He loves his food, doesn't he, Nish?

• 15:09Speaker 00

  He does love his food. Any lovely memories of Nish that you have?

• 15:13Speaker 02

  We've had a lot of meals. I, I once had a meal with him at something called the Lord's Taverners. Do you know that place?

• 15:18Speaker 00

  Oh, God.

• 15:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:20Speaker 00

  Do you want to tell us what happened to him?

• 15:22Speaker 02

  Well, we had a lovely meal.

• 15:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:24Speaker 02

  Yeah. And then Nish, I think, was on, like, doing a, he was doing, like, some comedy after the meal.

• 15:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:29Speaker 02

  Oh, no, he got booed off and bread rolled.

• 15:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:35Speaker 02

  I didn't start it.

• 15:38Speaker 00

  I mean, that's not what he claims, to be fair.

• 15:39Speaker 01

  Yeah. He claims that he walked into the pub after you, well, afterwards, and you said, "I'm sorry, I threw the bread roll."

• 15:49Speaker 02

  I'm sorry, I nipped out to the corp to get them.

• 15:54Speaker 01

  We did have a lot of brunches together, me, you and it. We were at the Melbourne Comedy Festival at the same time.

• 15:59Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, Brunch Club.

• 16:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, we were called, we didn't call ourselves-

• 16:02Speaker 00

  That's very sweet. Did you call it Brunch Club?

• 16:04Speaker 01

  No, we didn't call ourselves Brunch Club. We would meet up, it was like Pascoe and David O'Docatie and people like Kearns and whatever. We'd get up and have brunch together. And we didn't know that there was some more edgy, kind of like more hardcore comedians who started calling us Brunch Club behind our backs.

• 16:20Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, but we gave as good as we got.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, we called them the Naughty Boys.

• 16:27Speaker 00

  You win that one. Well done, Brunch- another win for Brunch Club. You fucking nerds.

• 16:33Speaker 02

  They once came and sat with us at brunch and had three tequilas and then left.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  That's true.

• 16:38Speaker 00

  Is that true?

• 16:39Speaker 02

  So bloody naughty.

• 16:40Speaker 01

  There was three of them. And here's the real way that you know that we won. At the end of the festival, two out of the three got Naughty Boys tattoos. Permanent. NB.

• 16:53Speaker 00

  NB. Well, that means something different now, so well done.

• 16:56Speaker 01

  Does it?

• 16:56Speaker 00

  But that's the traditional spelling, it's non-binary, isn't it?

• 17:01Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 17:01Speaker 00

  So those tattoos now, they've just completely come out. That's amazing.

• 17:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, they'll, they'll hate that.

• 17:08Speaker 02

  But they'll have to do it.

• 17:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, they gotta do it now.

• 17:12Speaker 02

  Only two of them did it. One of them wasn't actually naughty.

• 17:15Speaker 00

  One of them wasn't naughty?

• 17:16Speaker 02

  Well, they didn't get the tattoo.

• 17:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, not naughty enough.

• 17:20Speaker 00

  Someone said, "Who was it?", but I think they're so naughty, they've destroyed their careers and you won't have heard of them.

• 17:25Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's just, that's just somebody who wants to gossip, who's like, "Who was it?", and then they go straight on social media after this and try and get some shit going. We're not idiots.

• 17:35Speaker 01

  They're the Naughty Boys. It'd be a fun little game for you. You can look online and photos of comedians who you think are naughty and see if they have NB tattoos. You gotta find two of them, and then you'll know it was them. It's a fun little game.

• 17:50Speaker 02

  Fun little game. It would be fun if they weren't so naughty.

• 17:55Speaker 02

  They're really naughty.

• 17:56Speaker 01

  So naughty.

• 17:58Speaker 02

  They stayed up one time, I think they were up till one.

• 18:03Speaker 02

  That wouldn't have worked for us because of the brunch.

• 18:05Speaker 00

  Yeah. Would you go out and have maybe one drink after your shows and go, "Oh, come on, we must go to bed. We've got brunch tomorrow."

• 18:12Speaker 02

  I was trying to recruit them.

• 18:14Speaker 00

  You're trying to get the MBs into the brunch club?

• 18:16Speaker 02

  Well, I thought if we can get them into our, fold them into our brunch club, that might be good for society.

• 18:22Speaker 00

  Your brunch club is sounding more and more Christian.

• 18:26Speaker 01

  That was very good. Tim would lead us in a prayer before brunch. Everyone would hold hands.

• 18:34Speaker 01

  Now, Tim, you had a large glass bottle of sparkling water with ice and lime and a tap water. Now, you had a water wheel. Remember that?

• 18:43Speaker 02

  I had a sparkling water wheel.

• 18:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, in your restaurant.

• 18:45Speaker 02

  In my restaurant, yeah. Well, the thing is, the great thing about the format is you can just have anything.

• 18:50Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 18:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:51Speaker 00

  Within the still or sparkling.

• 18:53Speaker 02

  Because the genie, you said this to Stuart on, um...

• 18:58Speaker 01

  When you got here, you said, "I listened to that episode recently." I thought, "That's weird. I did that a long time ago. I wonder why Tim's just listened to it." And now I know exactly why you've just listened to it, is to use it as an ammo.

• 19:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, they're like, "I listened to a couple of these tasting menu ones and listen, listen back to your own one." And I thought, "No, I listened to three or four of James sort of really getting into the, um, into his craft, talking to different interviewers." "I learnt a lot about you."

• 19:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:29Speaker 02

  Mental health.

• 19:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:33Speaker 02

  I'm not wrong, am I? Mental health.

• 19:35Speaker 00

  James has mental health.

• 19:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, I have mental health. I'm one of the few comics who has it.

• 19:39Speaker 00

  Do you know, have you heard, I've heard a lot of that chat recently of people saying that someone has mental health.

• 19:45Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 19:46Speaker 00

  But they mean it to be like someone's struggling with their mental health. They'll go like, "No, he's got mental health."

• 19:51Speaker 01

  Yes. It's usually by people who really, really wanted to make it clear that they do not have mental health. Met someone who has mental health the other day, not me, I'm absolutely fine.

• 20:02Speaker 02

  No, you weren't doing that.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  No, I wasn't doing that.

• 20:04Speaker 02

  No.

• 20:05Speaker 01

  It's probably because I'm being sad, was I?

• 20:07Speaker 02

  No, no, it was like, when I first got here tonight, I said it was really interesting and I was like, I got a lot out of it.

• 20:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, but when you said that, I went, hmm.

• 20:17Speaker 02

  I know you did that, but you can't criticize me for what your reaction is to what I was saying. It was true, I listened to it and I got a lot out of it.

• 20:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 20:24Speaker 02

  Because we do the same job and you kind of, you know, it's interesting to see how other people are getting through it, because it's not plain sailing. Well, do you disagree with it? You're laughing, but do you disagree with that?

• 20:34Speaker 01

  I don't trust you when you're being sincere at all.

• 20:40Speaker 01

  This is all going somewhere.

• 20:41Speaker 02

  It's not going anywhere, I'm just, I'm terribly sorry you've got mental health and you're a fantastic listener.

• 20:51Speaker 01

  Anyway, Nish had Stillwater.

• 20:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:55Speaker 00

  We should say, should we say at the top that this was actually, Nish did a Christmas special? So, this is Nish's Christmas menu.

• 21:02Speaker 02

  That is quite Christmasy, isn't it? Was it still?

• 21:06Speaker 00

  You should have guessed from the Stillwater, but this is Nish's Christmas menu.

• 21:11Speaker 02

  Stillwater? I hate Stillwater.

• 21:14Speaker 00

  Do you hate Stillwater?

• 21:15Speaker 02

  No, I don't hate it, that's putting words in my mouth.

• 21:27Speaker 02

  I just prefer the odd bubble, if possible. Do you not?

• 21:32Speaker 00

  I mean, not day to day, I wouldn't, I wouldn't like the odd bubble just with my like, first drink of the day, maybe.

• 21:37Speaker 02

  So, your first drink of the day is that water?

• 21:40Speaker 00

  Water or coffee, I would say, ideally water.

• 21:42Speaker 01

  He has two cups of coffee straight away, he can't speak to anyone until he's had two cups.

• 21:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:46Speaker 02

  I go too early. One in the bath, one with my breakfast.

• 21:51Speaker 00

  Coffee in the bath?

• 21:53Speaker 02

  Oh, well, yeah.

• 21:56Speaker 01

  For a long time, I thought all of Tim's stuff about, because Tim had a whole show about, you know, being in the bath.

• 22:02Speaker 02

  They'll know that.

• 22:03Speaker 01

  And...

• 22:05Speaker 02

  That's what I'm saying, this chap played, I don't know, carry on. Couldn't think of any examples, go on.

• 22:14Speaker 00

  But I remember around that time.

• 22:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, we'd be doing gigs or whatever. I'd say, "What are you up to today, Tim?", before I'd gig the season. And you'd go, "I'm gonna have five baths and then I'm gonna teleport the venue." And I thought, "That's funny." But you weren't lying. You were having so many baths. And once we were in a hotel and you had run a bath and then forgot about it and it flooded your hotel room.

• 22:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:38Speaker 00

  And instead of immediately calling the reception desk, you thought it was so funny that you filmed your bath over running for a while and had footage of it on your phone while you're laughing like a maniac.

• 22:49Speaker 02

  No recollection of that at all. But I do think that should be the format of a chat show, is you just telling me anecdotes that might have happened to me.

• 22:55Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, this is James's interview style.

• 22:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's brilliant.

• 22:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:59Speaker 02

  I don't remember that. Did I overflow the bath?

• 23:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. It was another Melbourne story. Tim, I've got a bath anecdote about you. Do you wanna hear it?

• 23:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'd like to hear another anecdote about me.

• 23:09Speaker 00

  It came up when me, you, Alex Horn and one of Alex Horn's sons went for one of the Great Curries in Edinburgh.

• 23:15Speaker 02

  Fantastic, yeah.

• 23:16Speaker 00

  Lovely meal. And Alex Horn and his son were staying at your flat in Edinburgh. And when they'd arrived, you'd given them the key and they went into the flat. You're living in a big flat in Edinburgh that had two bedrooms and two bathrooms.

• 23:27Speaker 02

  I don't like any of this stuff.

• 23:30Speaker 00

  They went in and you weren't in the flat, but both beds had been slept in and both baths were full.

• 23:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's a bit of a Goldilocks, isn't it?

• 23:48Speaker 02

  You know, there's a lot of restaurants where in the kitchen there's one sink where you wash the stuff up and one where you rinse it.

• 23:57Speaker 00

  So you're scrubbing in one.

• 23:59Speaker 02

  Well, you're forgetting about the Japanese. They have a shower then a bath.

• 24:02Speaker 00

  I never forget about the Japanese.

• 24:03Speaker 02

  I know you don't.

• 24:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:04Speaker 02

  No, you're very good with the Japanese.

• 24:09Speaker 00

  I love the insinuation there.

• 24:12Speaker 00

  But the baths in Japan, the public baths, the onsen, you do have to really wash yourself down. Did you go in an onsen when you were in Japan, James?

• 24:19Speaker 02

  No way.

• 24:20Speaker 00

  Because you've got to go like butt naked.

• 24:22Speaker 02

  I know. I went to the onsen.

• 24:23Speaker 00

  Did you? And they make you proper scrub and they've got little stools in front of mirrors where you have to wash yourself. And some of these lads are going to town for 40 minutes scrubbing themselves.

• 24:32Speaker 02

  Do they have a pummel horse there?

• 24:37Speaker 02

  Well, of course, in China, we went to a, um, we went to a baths and, um... Well, actually, the, um, the guy who directed our film, he was in there. And, um, yeah, they were cleaning him pretty hard and, uh... Well, anyway, they hose... Well, anyway.

• 24:59Speaker 02

  Well, anyway, I'll get to the point.

• 25:02Speaker 02

  A jet of water was fired at his arsehole and it hit me in the face.

• 25:10Speaker 02

  But he did a great job on the film.

• 25:13Speaker 01

  That Wallace Island?

• 25:14Speaker 02

  That's Wallace Island, yeah, yeah. James Griffiths, fantastic director. But shouldn't link him to that anecdote.

• 25:18Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:22Speaker 01

  Papadums and a Kingfisher, Tim?

• 25:24Speaker 02

  Papadums and a Kingfisher, yeah.

• 25:26Speaker 01

  Nish is chosen, Papadums! So happy days!

• 25:30Speaker 02

  That's it.

• 25:31Speaker 01

  And of course, uh, it's become legend on the podcast that you, um, always, when you're in a curry house, like to smash, say, "Shall I be mother?", and smash the Papadums with your hand?

• 25:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, fiction.

• 25:45Speaker 01

  That's true. You do that. That's what you do.

• 25:47Speaker 02

  No, I do now, but that's because I have to, to fit in with my myth.

• 25:53Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 25:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, it is R, actually.

• 25:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're right. Because when I came on that podcast, again, it's the sort of-

• 26:02Speaker 01

  This podcast? This one.

• 26:03Speaker 02

  This podcast, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, in the Albert Hall, yeah, but I come on that podcast and then I'm told I do various things. That was the format. I don't know if you've tweaked it.

• 26:14Speaker 01

  No, no, all you did, I think we told you two bath anecdotes that you don't remember.

• 26:18Speaker 02

  But you're telling me that I go and I, I... Do I karate chop them?

• 26:22Speaker 01

  You say, "Shall I be mother?", and then you hit the Papadums, either flat-palmed or however you want to do it.

• 26:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, which I've done ever since.

• 26:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 26:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, but not before.

• 26:31Speaker 01

  Who's to say?

• 26:31Speaker 02

  So I came on and basically what happened was I met you two for an hour and then I left with a new personality.

• 26:40Speaker 01

  It's done very well for you. You got a film.

• 26:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't think I got the film entirely out of the Papadum stuff, but-

• 26:45Speaker 01

  Chicken Chakuti.

• 26:46Speaker 02

  Well, I did take-

• 26:47Speaker 01

  Chicken Chakuti.

• 26:48Speaker 02

  Chicken Chakuti. And I usually do take a stack of Papadums to meetings.

• 26:51Speaker 01

  Well, good news, Tim.

• 26:53Speaker 02

  What's under there, by the way?

• 26:57Speaker 01

  Well, Tim, Benito very proudly walked into our dressing room and said, "It's Shall I Be Mother's Day."

• 27:07Speaker 00

  And he wants everyone to know that's his joke.

• 27:11Speaker 02

  I was just about to do it.

• 27:13Speaker 00

  You were about to do it?

• 27:14Speaker 02

  That joke, yeah.

• 27:15Speaker 00

  Were you?

• 27:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:15Speaker 00

  Sorry, mate. How are you feeling now?

• 27:17Speaker 02

  Uh, same as before.

• 27:22Speaker 02

  So am I gonna put the old... I almost put the old heel through just now, but...

• 27:25Speaker 00

  No, no. Please don't. That shall I be daddy?

• 27:31Speaker 02

  Okay, so you want me to put the old... put the old palm through?

• 27:34Speaker 00

  I think so. I think you have to say "shall I be mother" first.

• 27:36Speaker 02

  Oh, I know what I have to say, because that's my personality you've given me.

• 27:42Speaker 02

  Well, this is for all you wonderful mothers out there.

• 27:51Speaker 01

  Fucking hell.

• 27:54Speaker 00

  Absolutely exceptional. You have reduced the middle of those to absolute dust, Tim.

• 28:00Speaker 02

  I would argue increased.

• 28:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:02Speaker 01

  Oh, man. Absolutely delicious.

• 28:04Speaker 02

  They are. They are nice. It's nice food, isn't it?

• 28:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm getting some of them.

• 28:13Speaker 00

  Look at that. That's a strong palm, Tim Key. I thought we were saving that for the end of the episode, but there we go. It's done now.

• 28:20Speaker 01

  Oh, is that what we were meant to do? Probably, yeah, yeah.

• 28:27Speaker 02

  Can your team not sort of piece them back together so we have another crack at them?

• 28:30Speaker 01

  Bonito! I'm gonna be in so much trouble after this. I've given away tomorrow's guest.

• 28:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:36Speaker 01

  And then I did the Papa Doms too early.

• 28:38Speaker 02

  Who's tomorrow's guest again?

• 28:40Speaker 01

  Nish.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  Nish.

• 28:43Speaker 01

  Can't help it, Bonito. I've got mental health.

• 28:49Speaker 00

  And you've got... that's Kingfisher you're drinking, isn't it?

• 28:51Speaker 02

  This is Kingfisher, yeah.

• 28:52Speaker 00

  This is your dream right now. How's it feel to be living your dream?

• 28:56Speaker 02

  Uh, it feels fantastic. Genuinely. I'm very happy here. I did come here once before.

• 29:02Speaker 00

  Did you?

• 29:03Speaker 01

  The Albert Hall?

• 29:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:04Speaker 01

  What were you doing?

• 29:05Speaker 02

  Watching stuff.

• 29:08Speaker 00

  What were you watching, Tim?

• 29:10Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 29:14Speaker 00

  I'm gonna make a call on the Papa Doms. Eat them off, Mike.

• 29:20Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 29:24Speaker 02

  Good call.

• 29:30Speaker 00

  Right, Tim threw the crumbs back in that pile, so no one else have any crumbs.

• 29:35Speaker 01

  No one's going near them. At the end of this, some horny fan is going to rush the stage and stick their face in that.

• 29:42Speaker 00

  Tim, I don't know how you've managed it, but you brushed some poppadoms off and now they've all collected in your dick.

• 29:49Speaker 00

  You look like you're waiting for the birds to arrive.

• 29:53Speaker 00

  You're like a horny version of the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2.

• 29:57Speaker 02

  Well, AKA, just the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2.

• 30:04Speaker 01

  Brenda Fricker.

• 30:05Speaker 00

  Brenda Fricker, yes.

• 30:07Speaker 01

  Show some respect.

• 30:08Speaker 02

  Oh, Brenda Fricker?

• 30:10Speaker 01

  Brenda Fricker.

• 30:10Speaker 02

  From Casualty?

• 30:12Speaker 01

  Not from Casualty.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  I thought it was Gene Boat, was it not?

• 30:18Speaker 01

  Brenda Fricker.

• 30:18Speaker 02

  Brenda Fricker.

• 30:19Speaker 01

  She won an Oscar for My Left Foot. She did a film with Mike Myers, AKA Shrek.

• 30:26Speaker 00

  Today's episode of the Off Menu podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.

• 30:33Speaker 01

  Ah, man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan. Do you know what I mean?

• 30:38Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofas, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast, but you know what? We very rarely talk about where we want to eat this dream meal.

• 30:58Speaker 01

  Sure, yeah, I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the setting, the vibe. And Cozy's modular customizable furniture for the whole home does just that.

• 31:08Speaker 00

  And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room. And I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful, cozy table. Linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James, you're a mucky pup.

• 31:30Speaker 01

  I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the Cozy fam?

• 31:34Speaker 00

  No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs. You telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere. Don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.

• 31:45Speaker 01

  Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?

• 31:49Speaker 00

  Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well. And that's where Cozy comes in.

• 32:05Speaker 01

  And because it's cozy, the furniture isn't just good looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers and free design consultations, if you want help making the whole room work.

• 32:17Speaker 00

  And it's easy to order, ship and assemble and maintain, James. The only way is the Cozy way.

• 32:23Speaker 01

  Visit Cozy today, that's C O Z E Y dot com and make yourself at home.

• 32:31Speaker 01

  You want baked camembert for your starter? Oh, what, baked camembert? Oh, love, love.

• 32:37Speaker 00

  Please don't have your mouth full when you read out the courses. Sorry.

• 32:43Speaker 01

  Are you too cool?

• 32:44Speaker 00

  We're cool, yeah, yeah, we are cool.

• 32:48Speaker 01

  Lots of wine.

• 32:48Speaker 00

  Right, let me, I'll take over this bit. There you go, let's.

• 32:51Speaker 01

  Do you two want to just chill and I'll just read questions to myself?

• 32:57Speaker 00

  Tim, you wanted baked camembert with fresh baguette.

• 33:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:01Speaker 00

  I don't know, this is going to fly now, times have changed. Israeli French red wine.

• 33:08Speaker 00

  I was going to skip that bit.

• 33:12Speaker 00

  I was, I think it's interesting. It's because you brought me a bottle of wine during lockdown, didn't you?

• 33:20Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, I was like Amelie during lockdown, just constantly sort of, you know, helping people out and.

• 33:26Speaker 00

  You're on your bicycle most of the time, weren't you? Dropping off wine at people's houses and baguettes and stuff.

• 33:30Speaker 02

  Because it was a difficult time, wasn't it? Um, hang on a second, yeah.

• 33:33Speaker 00

  Baked camembert, you had.

• 33:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, I went to a, yeah, I went to a wine merchant.

• 33:37Speaker 00

  Yes, you did.

• 33:38Speaker 02

  And actually got a recommendation and then placed it outside your door.

• 33:41Speaker 00

  Yes, you did.

• 33:42Speaker 02

  And was it nice?

• 33:43Speaker 00

  Uh, it was actually, I seem to remember it was all right. It was certainly better than the other bottle of red wine you bought me, which is Indian red wine that tasted like a burnt tyre.

• 33:52Speaker 00

  And I tasted that, I tasted that and filmed a video of myself tasting it and put it online, yeah. You like buying me little gifts, don't you, Tim?

• 33:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, there's no shame in it.

• 34:01Speaker 00

  There's no shame in it. I think maybe over the course of the last six or seven years, you've sent me four belts.

• 34:09Speaker 00

  You've never sent me anything.

• 34:13Speaker 00

  Me and Tim have a little to and fro.

• 34:15Speaker 02

  I did actually lose a belt once and just messaged you with a belt emoji and got one two days later.

• 34:19Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 34:22Speaker 00

  That's nice, yeah.

• 34:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's nice, that sort of thing, don't you think?

• 34:26Speaker 00

  I think it's lovely, yeah.

• 34:27Speaker 02

  Are you wearing one of mine at the moment?

• 34:28Speaker 00

  I was gonna put it on this morning and then I realised I had to do another show this afternoon.

• 34:32Speaker 02

  So, perfect, use the belt twice. What's the issue with my belt?

• 34:36Speaker 00

  Well, it's a white belt with...

• 34:40Speaker 02

  Right, like most decent belts.

• 34:42Speaker 00

  Yeah. It says Ed across it in sort of...

• 34:46Speaker 02

  Right, which last time I checked is your name.

• 34:49Speaker 00

  And it's a dolphin belt buckle.

• 34:52Speaker 02

  Not a problem.

• 34:54Speaker 02

  I see that as four green tick emojis, but...

• 35:00Speaker 02

  So what belt have you got on then? What's this wonderful belt you're wearing?

• 35:04Speaker 00

  Just that one.

• 35:05Speaker 02

  Just that one, is it?

• 35:05Speaker 00

  It says eat dust.

• 35:07Speaker 02

  It says what?

• 35:07Speaker 00

  Eat dust. We are doing that, to be fair.

• 35:13Speaker 00

  If you wore that belt, it would look seriously threatening right now, Tim.

• 35:19Speaker 02

  So it doesn't say eat dust off your dick then?

• 35:22Speaker 00

  No.

• 35:23Speaker 02

  It's implied with your dick knocking around.

• 35:27Speaker 02

  Are you ready to take over the menu again, genie?

• 35:29Speaker 00

  You don't like doing it, do you?

• 35:30Speaker 02

  No, I can do it. You wanted the baked camembert...

• 35:33Speaker 00

  Sort your fucking format out.

• 35:38Speaker 02

  But you will not be having the baked camembert because you're having the menu of Nish Kumar. And Nish Kumar wanted lamb kebab from the Owl and the Pussycat in Leicester.

• 35:47Speaker 00

  What's the Owl and the Pussycat?

• 35:48Speaker 02

  It's a pub in Leicester that out the back had a little shack that did kebabs that Nish and his family used to go to, and that's what he wants for his Christmas starter. Can you put it back up there, please, Benito? I do like to see what I'm discussing. Not always.

• 36:05Speaker 00

  But Benito doesn't want to do it because he wants people to be able to see us on the screen, but...

• 36:10Speaker 02

  Well, hang on a minute. What is the hierarchy here?

• 36:14Speaker 00

  I'm behind you, you, whatever you want, he should do it.

• 36:18Speaker 02

  I've just told you what I want.

• 36:19Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 36:22Speaker 00

  This is...

• 36:24Speaker 02

  When the bit of menu comes up that we're discussing, let me get a head of steam before you take it down. Right? That's what I want.

• 36:37Speaker 00

  When's this head of steam coming, Tim?

• 36:48Speaker 02

  Well, I think that's fantastic. I love that sort of thing. A lamb kebab is fantastic. I've had, well, I suppose it's a case of guessing, how many kebabs have I had in the last three days?

• 36:59Speaker 00

  Um, three. Four.

• 37:02Speaker 02

  Four is enormous.

• 37:05Speaker 00

  Well, there was only two ways I could go.

• 37:07Speaker 02

  Uh, now let me think. God, now you're asking. Uh...

• 37:12Speaker 00

  No.

• 37:13Speaker 02

  Definitely not asking, Tim.

• 37:14Speaker 00

  Actually not. You did.

• 37:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, you asked that. It's one.

• 37:20Speaker 00

  One.

• 37:22Speaker 00

  So three days ago, you had a kebab?

• 37:24Speaker 02

  Might have been four. Thursday, I think.

• 37:26Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 37:28Speaker 00

  So looking back on it, do you think that was a good question you asked there?

• 37:31Speaker 02

  Well, let's go through your questions then, shall we?

• 37:38Speaker 02

  No, I had one on Thursday and...

• 37:40Speaker 00

  Where from?

• 37:41Speaker 02

  Um, from, I think it's called Kebab House.

• 37:44Speaker 00

  Oh, it sounds lovely.

• 37:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:47Speaker 00

  What's your go-to kebab?

• 37:48Speaker 02

  Mixed, on chips. So, no kebab to be seen, per se.

• 37:55Speaker 00

  It's meat on the chips.

• 37:57Speaker 02

  Meat on the chips, salad.

• 37:59Speaker 00

  Lamb and chicken?

• 38:00Speaker 02

  Uh, what do you think I'm fucking mixing?

• 38:05Speaker 00

  I don't know.

• 38:05Speaker 02

  Swordfish and chickpeas?

• 38:09Speaker 02

  Are you serious?

• 38:12Speaker 02

  Put some more popadons in your mouth.

• 38:13Speaker 00

  Yeah. That was a pretty stupid question, man.

• 38:16Speaker 02

  What's he talking about, anyway?

• 38:17Speaker 00

  I don't know, man, I'm sorry.

• 38:18Speaker 02

  Well, the last two kebabs I've had, both times they've doubled it to a large kebab when I've said small, and last time I got a pizza, which was on Friday, they gave me two pizzas instead of one.

• 38:27Speaker 00

  Right.

• 38:28Speaker 02

  I don't know what they're looking at when I go into that shop.

• 38:32Speaker 00

  Was it the same pizza twice?

• 38:38Speaker 00

  Is it from, was the pizza from Kebab House as well, Tim?

• 38:41Speaker 02

  No, the pizza isn't from Kebab House. What do you think I am?

• 38:45Speaker 00

  I don't know, you're already going to Kebab House.

• 38:47Speaker 02

  It's from the little pizza place next door.

• 38:48Speaker 00

  Pizza House?

• 38:49Speaker 01

  Where does that attitude come in from?

• 38:50Speaker 02

  I don't know where the attitude is coming from, truth be told. I think it's ever since the, um, there was a turning point when I hit the pizza. Not the pizza, you get the idea. Nature's pizza, the ultimate pizza.

• 39:03Speaker 00

  Have you ever shall I be mother to pizza? That might be interesting.

• 39:05Speaker 02

  Have I ever shall I be mother to pizza? You asking Jess Phillips that?

• 39:12Speaker 00

  No, James.

• 39:13Speaker 01

  I saw him do it. I saw him shall I be mother to pizza.

• 39:15Speaker 02

  I've never shall I be mother to pizza.

• 39:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, actually, you do do that.

• 39:18Speaker 02

  Why am I on some radio show somewhere where everyone's asking me whether I've shall I be mother to pizza?

• 39:24Speaker 00

  You do, you do do that.

• 39:25Speaker 01

  You do do that. Every time people have a pizza.

• 39:27Speaker 02

  If you two cut that sort of stuff out of your game, you could get your win coming on.

• 39:30Speaker 00

  And when you hit the pizza, you say shall I be mama?

• 39:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 39:33Speaker 02

  I've nev-, I've literally, I've not, I've not shall I, I've not shall I be mother to pizza.

• 39:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, and then you say me and mama that pizza.

• 39:40Speaker 01

  Yep. That's what you say.

• 39:43Speaker 02

  What I would concede is I have shall I be, shall I be mother to pie?

• 39:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:48Speaker 01

  You have?

• 39:49Speaker 02

  Yes. And it was with like a mixture of like friends and some adults and it didn't go down very well.

• 39:55Speaker 00

  No.

• 39:56Speaker 02

  It was one of those classic friends and adults situation where you can't please everyone.

• 40:01Speaker 00

  I like that you make a distinction between friends and adults.

• 40:04Speaker 02

  That's a shame, isn't it?

• 40:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:07Speaker 00

  But I know what you mean.

• 40:07Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, you'll know what I mean when I say some gravy went on Alex Horner's dad's neck.

• 40:16Speaker 00

  I know.

• 40:18Speaker 01

  Your side dish, oh no, main course.

• 40:21Speaker 02

  That's my main course next?

• 40:22Speaker 01

  Your main course was a chicken.

• 40:22Speaker 02

  Well, first of all, full marks to that starter from Nish.

• 40:25Speaker 01

  You loved it.

• 40:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, lovely.

• 40:26Speaker 01

  Chicken jacuzzi for your main, of course.

• 40:28Speaker 02

  Chicken jacuzzi for the main course, has to be.

• 40:29Speaker 01

  But Nish, this is what you're getting is Christmas goose with coke soaked ham. Oh.

• 40:37Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 40:37Speaker 01

  Little bit of a different reaction. Now, should say that for Nish, it was the first Christmas menu.

• 40:42Speaker 02

  I'm just taking it in.

• 40:44Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. I can't believe you walked into that, James.

• 40:48Speaker 02

  All right, take it down, Benito.

• 40:51Speaker 01

  It was the first Christmas menu we did, and normally now, we get people on for the Christmas specials, and they do their actual dream menu and a little bonus Christmas course, whereas Nish, it's the first one we ever did.

• 41:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 41:03Speaker 01

  And we just went, your main has to be a Christmas one.

• 41:05Speaker 00

  Entire Christmas menu.

• 41:06Speaker 02

  I really don't think there's any shame in that at all, I don't know why you're beating yourself up about that. It's a Christmas episode, and you're a food show, and you've gone for Christmas food for his menu.

• 41:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, so don't be down on yourselves.

• 41:18Speaker 00

  I don't think we were being down on ourselves, Tim.

• 41:20Speaker 02

  Well, you weren't being up on yourselves, Ed.

• 41:23Speaker 02

  Do you want me to do two anecdotes about that dish, or not?

• 41:30Speaker 01

  More than anything, I would love it.

• 41:32Speaker 02

  Well, I cooked goose for my parents when they came for Christmas dinner.

• 41:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:38Speaker 02

  Yeah. Um, well, anyway, long story short, that caught fire.

• 41:44Speaker 02

  Um, and then, what I would say is, the, the, um, the ham in Coke.

• 41:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:50Speaker 02

  I've never had it.

• 41:51Speaker 01

  Sounds interesting, though, doesn't it? Sounds good.

• 41:53Speaker 00

  Are those your two anecdotes about those things, by the way? Because one of them, I would say, if you're on a podcast, never use the phrase, "long story short", and then the second anecdote was, "you've never had it", were those the two things?

• 42:04Speaker 02

  Sorry, did I say I finished the second anecdote?

• 42:08Speaker 02

  Well, the point being, I'm on, um, I'm, we made the film, and there's a scene where, um, if you've seen this film.

• 42:16Speaker 01

  By the, by the side.

• 42:17Speaker 02

  Ballad of, Ballad of, yeah, yeah.

• 42:19Speaker 01

  We're not talking about Mickey 17.

• 42:21Speaker 02

  No.

• 42:22Speaker 01

  Because you were in that as a pigeon.

• 42:23Speaker 00

  You were in that.

• 42:23Speaker 02

  I was in that, yeah, not as a pigeon.

• 42:25Speaker 01

  You were just as a pigeon.

• 42:25Speaker 02

  I was dressed as a pigeon.

• 42:26Speaker 01

  For the whole thing.

• 42:27Speaker 02

  What, did they hoodwink you and you thought I was a pigeon?

• 42:31Speaker 01

  You're a very good actor.

• 42:32Speaker 00

  Very deep in character work, it was.

• 42:34Speaker 01

  Very good actor, I thought you were a pigeon.

• 42:35Speaker 00

  James picked up some tips for the genie.

• 42:37Speaker 02

  Um, well, anyway, it's not an anecdote, I don't think, well, I've lost faith in it, anyway, that's the, that's the point I'd like to make. But, um, yeah, we, we cooked a ham in Coke in that film, and then that scene was cut. So, I don't know, you tell me, it's, it's fingers on buzzers, really, is that an anecdote? It's not far off, I said some stuff.

• 42:56Speaker 00

  What happened in the scene?

• 42:57Speaker 02

  Um, convivial, it's like a moment where everyone's having a great time apart from, um, Law, uh, Tom Basdon's character.

• 43:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:05Speaker 02

  Who's having a miserable time because he's in a bit of a pickle. And I think it's a good scene, but you know, sometimes, you know, if you make a film, that you've got to be, have your eyes on the bigger picture.

• 43:15Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 43:15Speaker 02

  Which is, uh, you know, get to certain places at the right time. And it slowed us down, but it was a very fun scene. Do you think that'll make the final episode?

• 43:25Speaker 01

  Imagine if that anecdote gets cut from this episode.

• 43:31Speaker 01

  Then you've just got to maybe accept that coke and ham is not your forte.

• 43:37Speaker 02

  I do accept that.

• 43:38Speaker 01

  It's never gonna work for you.

• 43:40Speaker 02

  I really accept it, of course. Have you had goose?

• 43:43Speaker 00

  I have had goose. I've had goose, uh, once, but, um, my dad had cooked goose for his Christmas Day, and I didn't spend Christmas Day with him. And I went over to his in the morning and my breakfast was picking cold goose off a tar, off the carcass, so. So, yeah, I have had goose, actually.

• 43:58Speaker 02

  You were picking cold goose off the carcass?

• 44:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 44:00Speaker 02

  On Christmas Day?

• 44:01Speaker 00

  No, Boxing Day.

• 44:02Speaker 02

  Boxing Day.

• 44:04Speaker 00

  Again, not really an anecdote.

• 44:06Speaker 02

  When it is quiet, it does feel very quiet, this room, isn't it?

• 44:09Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, it's because it's designed for, you know, classical music and opera and all that sort of stuff, so, you know, the silences are pin drop.

• 44:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, we've learned that the hard way, but it's like the third day now, we've got pretty used to it. I'd say we're too comfortable in this room.

• 44:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:29Speaker 01

  Your dad had a feud with a goose?

• 44:31Speaker 02

  My dad, what?

• 44:32Speaker 01

  I've just remembered, it's a swan.

• 44:34Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. I saw my dad today.

• 44:38Speaker 01

  Bill Keat.

• 44:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:39Speaker 00

  What's a Tim Key Christmas like? What are you eating on Christmas?

• 44:43Speaker 02

  Uh, turkey.

• 44:45Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 44:45Speaker 02

  Yeah. I mean, what did you expect from that question?

• 44:49Speaker 00

  Well, I don't know, do you have any, like, traditions? Did you eat something specific in the morning? Who are you spending it with? Are you cooking?

• 44:54Speaker 02

  Well, last Christmas I spent with maybe, um, thirty-five people.

• 44:59Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 45:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:00Speaker 00

  Huh?

• 45:01Speaker 02

  Huh? Is that your question?

• 45:05Speaker 01

  The next question is why?

• 45:07Speaker 02

  Why? It's my brother's side's extended family, which goes far and wide. And it's the first time I'd spent Christmas with them, and it was absolutely fantastic. Loved it.

• 45:21Speaker 01

  What was special about it?

• 45:22Speaker 02

  Um, well, I mean, like, the warmth.

• 45:27Speaker 01

  Like, literally?

• 45:30Speaker 01

  It was just warmer because there was 35 of you in the house?

• 45:34Speaker 02

  It's very multi-generational, and just a lot of love in their family. Honestly, I felt very humbled to be in that side of the family.

• 45:44Speaker 02

  Listen to that. Just listen to your audience sometimes.

• 45:47Speaker 01

  I can't imagine you there on Christmas Day, just earnestly feeling...

• 45:53Speaker 02

  It wasn't earnest, it was like a proper laugh. There's one bit where everyone had a bell, and you had to, like, play the bells at a certain time.

• 46:00Speaker 02

  But what's so good about your Christmas then?

• 46:05Speaker 02

  Park run? We did a park run?

• 46:07Speaker 01

  What? 35 of you?

• 46:09Speaker 02

  No, about eight of us did a park run, and also it was flooded, so that anecdote doesn't really take off either.

• 46:15Speaker 01

  Why were people ringing bells?

• 46:17Speaker 02

  Um, family tradition. I mean, you can't have it both ways. You can't ask me about these traditions, and then I give you one, and you say, "What's that about?"

• 46:25Speaker 01

  I think you can. It's called continuing the conversation.

• 46:29Speaker 02

  Please, for God's sake, don't describe to me what a conversation is. Everyone has a bell, and then you ring it at the same, you know, not at the same time, but you ring it when you're one, when it comes up. It's like karaoke, so you see these little balls come up, and when your red ball comes up, and you've got a red bell, you go like that, and you create a song, and, you know, it's sort of, some of them are like sort of old-school sort of carols and things, and then sometimes there's something a bit more jazzy, like pop music.

• 46:54Speaker 01

  That sounds lovely.

• 46:55Speaker 02

  It's not bad, yeah.

• 46:56Speaker 01

  Okay. So is it, that's a game you can buy in the shop, is it?

• 47:03Speaker 01

  Or they've made the video?

• 47:06Speaker 01

  They've bought that game, and it's a game they like to play, or they've made the video themselves as a family tradition.

• 47:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:16Speaker 02

  Yeah. That's a game you can buy in the shop.

• 47:20Speaker 02

  What, what, are you thinking of buying it? What, do you, do you wanna put a link to it?

• 47:27Speaker 01

  Sounds like a decent game.

• 47:28Speaker 02

  You'd love it.

• 47:29Speaker 01

  I'd love that game.

• 47:29Speaker 02

  Where did you spend your last Christmas? How many people were there?

• 47:32Speaker 00

  Well, okay, so it's.

• 47:33Speaker 02

  I'm not talking to you, Ed!

• 47:37Speaker 00

  Do, do imagine this, the bell game being played at James's last Christmas. Let's hear it, James.

• 47:42Speaker 01

  Me and my girlfriend and four cats.

• 47:46Speaker 02

  Do the cats have hands?

• 47:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, the cats have got paws, like a thinking bell.

• 47:50Speaker 02

  I think you could do something with, um, duct tape, couldn't you?

• 47:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:55Speaker 01

  One of them's got no hair, so it wouldn't even hurt him.

• 47:59Speaker 02

  One of the cats, yeah?

• 48:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, one of the cats, yeah, yeah.

• 48:04Speaker 02

  So, my dad was, um, he's, he's a great river man.

• 48:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:10Speaker 02

  Yeah. So, um, and he's like, he rows and stuff. So he's like the, um, the president of the, the rowing association in his town.

• 48:18Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 48:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, and then there's a.

• 48:22Speaker 00

  Just keeping it bobbing along, Tim, don't worry about me.

• 48:25Speaker 02

  There's a swan. There's a swan on the river. And the swan is being antisocial.

• 48:34Speaker 02

  It doesn't, it doesn't know that, but it's, it's slightly being, it's, well, you tell me, it's attacking the rowers, or, in other news, defending its nest.

• 48:49Speaker 02

  So then, it gets into the local paper, and then.

• 48:54Speaker 01

  Gets a nickname?

• 48:55Speaker 02

  The, the swan gets a nickname, yeah. Yeah, the swan is called Asbo.

• 49:00Speaker 01

  Classic.

• 49:01Speaker 02

  Yep. And then, there's a, my dad gets invited to go on the Jeremy Vine radio show on Radio Two. To, you know how they get sometimes two people with different viewpoints to discuss something?

• 49:14Speaker 00

  Oh no.

• 49:15Speaker 02

  So, uh, in the, in the blue corner, Bill Key. In the red corner, a environmentalist well within his rights.

• 49:27Speaker 02

  I'm in Melbourne at the time, at the comedy festival. I'm hanging out with Tim Vine and we finish down the pub, go back to the hotel, get a couple of beers and listen to his brother

• 49:43Speaker 02

  basically handing my dad his arsehole.

• 49:53Speaker 02

  Night, night, Tim. Night, Tim.

• 49:59Speaker 01

  For your side dish.

• 50:01Speaker 02

  My what, my what, my what, sorry?

• 50:02Speaker 01

  Your side dish, a Rome artichoke.

• 50:04Speaker 02

  Well, don't shout. I've not got corn cobs in my ears. What did you say?

• 50:07Speaker 01

  The artichoke you had in Rome.

• 50:09Speaker 02

  The artichokes I had in Rome, yeah.

• 50:10Speaker 01

  Remember those? You liked those.

• 50:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:13Speaker 01

  You wanted a birmeveretti and an Italian cigarette with that.

• 50:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was a different era. I don't smoke anymore.

• 50:18Speaker 01

  No?

• 50:19Speaker 02

  No.

• 50:22Speaker 01

  Fucking hell. How much they had to cut out of Norton?

• 50:27Speaker 02

  What?

• 50:27Speaker 01

  How much was edited out of that Graham Norton interview you did?

• 50:30Speaker 00

  Tim was on best behaviour on Graham Norton.

• 50:32Speaker 02

  I was on best behaviour. I was being, to be fair, if you brought Kerry Mulligan in with me, I'd have been much more composed.

• 50:40Speaker 01

  They should have roast potatoes.

• 50:42Speaker 02

  Oh!

• 50:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:45Speaker 02

  What a great format. That's in my top three potatoes, I would say.

• 50:50Speaker 01

  That's staying up until you ask for it down.

• 50:52Speaker 02

  Roast potatoes and then mashed potatoes has to be in there at number one.

• 50:56Speaker 00

  At number one for mashed?

• 50:58Speaker 02

  Number one is mashed potatoes.

• 50:59Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 50:59Speaker 02

  Number two is roast potatoes.

• 51:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:01Speaker 02

  And number three?

• 51:05Speaker 02

  Why not? The dear old potato salad. Give it some airtime.

• 51:08Speaker 01

  Wow. Lot of controversy here in the Albert Hall. One person-

• 51:12Speaker 02

  Why do you think I said it?

• 51:15Speaker 01

  For the clown.

• 51:16Speaker 02

  I caught controversy. Yeah, potato salad. What, you've got a problem with that?

• 51:21Speaker 00

  I wouldn't put mashed potatoes-

• 51:22Speaker 02

  What's the one where you slice the potatoes and then there's cream and cheese and things?

• 51:25Speaker 00

  Potato dauphinois.

• 51:26Speaker 02

  I'll take that.

• 51:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think that's a good choice. That's in my top three.

• 51:30Speaker 02

  What?

• 51:30Speaker 01

  Is that number three?

• 51:31Speaker 02

  What?

• 51:33Speaker 01

  Is potato dauphinois number three?

• 51:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:37Speaker 01

  Ben's took the slide down without you telling him he was allowed to.

• 51:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, roast potatoes, number two. Mashed potatoes, number one. And then potato dauphinois, number three.

• 51:53Speaker 00

  I think you'd enjoy, have you ever had a potato boulanger, Tim?

• 51:56Speaker 02

  Do I look like I've had one?

• 51:58Speaker 00

  Thinly sliced potatoes à la dauphinois.

• 52:01Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 52:01Speaker 00

  But with onion and then stock. So it all cooks together and it's like oniony, stocky potato.

• 52:07Speaker 02

  Come on. That sounds delicious.

• 52:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, you'd like that, I think.

• 52:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, what's it called again?

• 52:10Speaker 00

  Potato boulanger, baker's potatoes, because when they were first invented, it would be the bakeries would heat the ovens up to do the bread. And then when they turned the ovens off, it took a long time for the ovens to cool down. So people from all around the village would bring their potatoes and put them in the oven to cook in the slowly cooling ovens.

• 52:28Speaker 02

  Fantastic.

• 52:28Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 52:29Speaker 02

  My favourite phrase in there was "all around the village".

• 52:36Speaker 02

  But it was all pretty strong.

• 52:37Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 52:37Speaker 02

  It does sound like a delicious dish. What would you have that with?

• 52:40Speaker 00

  Lamb?

• 52:41Speaker 02

  And?

• 52:43Speaker 00

  Chicken.

• 52:44Speaker 02

  Together at last, chicken. Together at last.

• 52:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:50Speaker 02

  That's right, that's why I had my mix donner on.

• 52:53Speaker 00

  Potato boulanger?

• 52:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, I couldn't remember how to say it, but yeah, potato boulanger.

• 52:58Speaker 00

  Hello.

• 52:58Speaker 02

  Hello, how are you?

• 53:01Speaker 00

  I liked all the way through Tim saying his top three potatoes before he'd done number three. But throughout the whole thing, someone on the front row, I don't know who it was, I wasn't looking, kept going, hash browns.

• 53:12Speaker 02

  Hash browns.

• 53:14Speaker 00

  Hash browns?

• 53:15Speaker 02

  Hash browns.

• 53:16Speaker 00

  Hash browns?

• 53:18Speaker 02

  I'm on tour at the moment. How many hash browns do you think I've had in the last three days?

• 53:21Speaker 00

  Okay. I mean, if I know you, you're having a fry-up every morning. You're having two to three hash browns a morning. So I'm just gonna, I'm gonna say seven.

• 53:35Speaker 02

  Zero. Someone's not been reading my tour rules.

• 53:42Speaker 02

  I don't have cooked breakfasts on my tour.

• 53:45Speaker 00

  You're having a coffee in the bath. I'd imagine that's keeping you going for a bit.

• 53:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm trying to read Pride and Prejudice.

• 53:52Speaker 00

  In the bath?

• 53:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:53Speaker 00

  How's that going?

• 53:54Speaker 02

  Not great. It's a bit boring, sorry.

• 53:58Speaker 01

  I wonder if one day someone would write a book about the Royal Albert Hall and all the shows that have been on here. And at some point they'll say, "The lowest moment was when a guest said to another host, 'Guess how many hash browns I've had in the last three days.' They said, 'Seven,' and they went, 'None.'"

• 54:23Speaker 02

  Well, we'd have to have a look at who else has performed here. Yesterday I had a slice of toast, a poached egg, where, when he got the poached egg out, because it was one of those stations where he's like, you know, it's like a bit of a "well done us" station. And he's pulling out this poached egg and he cuts the, he cuts the poached egg to get rid of the tail.

• 54:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 54:49Speaker 02

  "What exactly do you want from me?"

• 54:52Speaker 00

  This is great. I loved hearing about the tail on a poached egg. I've never heard it described like that before.

• 54:56Speaker 02

  That is like a white on message. That's talking about food.

• 54:58Speaker 00

  Yeah. But then, so why have you stopped halfway through and said, "What do you want from me?" We're enjoying it. We're fucking listening to you. Cut the tail off the poached egg. I smiled. I was like, "That's a lovely way of doing it. Very poetic from Tim Key."

• 55:10Speaker 02

  I've never seen the smile before. I wasn't sure what it was.

• 55:13Speaker 00

  I was enjoying it and then you panicked.

• 55:15Speaker 02

  He cuts the tail off the poached egg.

• 55:16Speaker 00

  We're straight back in. Let's go.

• 55:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, and then I have that with, well, I get some butter and I put that on the toast whilst I'm getting the rest of the stuff so that can melt within its parcel.

• 55:26Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 55:27Speaker 02

  Then I get one sausage.

• 55:29Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 55:30Speaker 02

  And then I get one spoonful of baked beans, but there was, it was not thick enough. The baked bean sauce wasn't thick enough because I think everyone had been doing the same as me, just trying to like skim off the beans.

• 55:40Speaker 00

  Right, okay.

• 55:40Speaker 02

  And not take the juice.

• 55:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:42Speaker 02

  And this was about 9:45.

• 55:44Speaker 00

  So you're eating at Biggins time here.

• 55:46Speaker 02

  I'm what?

• 55:47Speaker 00

  You're eating at Biggins time.

• 55:52Speaker 02

  I don't know why you're shouting at me.

• 55:54Speaker 00

  It's like visiting our grandad in the old folks' home and we don't know from one question to the next who's going to respond to us. This is exactly like...

• 56:03Speaker 01

  "What do you want from me?"

• 56:06Speaker 00

  Who's been scumming the beans off the top?

• 56:09Speaker 02

  Small bowl of grapefruit segments and two orange juices.

• 56:13Speaker 00

  Is this what you're having every morning on tour, Tim?

• 56:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:17Speaker 00

  Alright, well I've got news for you. That's a fucking cooked breakfast, mate.

• 56:22Speaker 02

  That's not a cooked breakfast.

• 56:24Speaker 00

  That's not a cooked breakfast? You're having egg, beans, toast and sausage, you maniac.

• 56:30Speaker 02

  Point to the mushrooms, point to the fried egg.

• 56:32Speaker 00

  It doesn't matter that those things are not on there, it's still a cooked breakfast.

• 56:35Speaker 02

  Point to the bacon.

• 56:37Speaker 00

  I don't need to point to the bacon, it's a cooked breakfast. It's breakfast food that's been cooked.

• 56:41Speaker 02

  You're not pointing to the bacon, because you can't point to the bacon.

• 56:44Speaker 00

  I don't need to point.

• 56:44Speaker 02

  Because there's none on my plate. And you conveniently forget the six grapefruit segments, you wally.

• 56:52Speaker 02

  Excuse my French.

• 56:59Speaker 01

  So you had a different drink with every course, Tim, when you did it?

• 57:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:03Speaker 01

  He's just did his dream drink, which was? Malbec!

• 57:07Speaker 02

  Wine.

• 57:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, the wine, sorry.

• 57:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, wine, wine. My mum had a Pinot Grigio at lunch.

• 57:18Speaker 01

  Today?

• 57:18Speaker 02

  Today. Yeah.

• 57:19Speaker 00

  Because you took your mum up for Mother's Day today?

• 57:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:23Speaker 00

  Oh, sorry. I can't work out who the enemy is on this podcast anymore.

• 57:28Speaker 01

  You chuck out a detail.

• 57:30Speaker 02

  There doesn't have to be an enemy, does there?

• 57:31Speaker 01

  You chuck out a detail we've not asked about, you go, "My mum had a Pinot Grigio today", and you look at both of us, like, I dare you to ask me a follow-up.

• 57:42Speaker 01

  I'm going through my head of all the follow-up questions I could ask. All of them are gonna get you being like, "What's your fucking problem?"

• 57:50Speaker 02

  No, that's a misrepresentation. No, she had a...

• 57:53Speaker 00

  Where did you go for lunch, if you don't mind telling us?

• 57:55Speaker 02

  My local pub.

• 57:57Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 57:57Speaker 02

  Yep. And she had fish and chips, finished it all, and...

• 58:07Speaker 00

  Well done, mum.

• 58:08Speaker 02

  Pinot Grigio. And pudding, yeah. Diabetic. No offence, but...

• 58:17Speaker 00

  Do you think I get offended by other diabetics?

• 58:21Speaker 00

  Type one, type two?

• 58:23Speaker 02

  Spit the diff.

• 58:26Speaker 02

  She shouldn't be doing what she's doing, let's put it that way.

• 58:33Speaker 02

  She takes the sugar off a donut before she eats it.

• 58:38Speaker 01

  Scrape or lick?

• 58:39Speaker 02

  Lick.

• 58:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:52Speaker 01

  We arrive at the dessert, Tim.

• 58:54Speaker 02

  We arrive at the dessert. Love that phrase. We arrive at the dessert.

• 58:58Speaker 01

  You wanted to eat around a banoffee pie.

• 59:01Speaker 02

  Well, the issue there is, my favourite dessert is the banoffee pie. I'm my father's son. And...

• 59:08Speaker 02

  It has, um... It traditionally has cream. And I don't like cream. So I would still get the banoffee pie, but I'll eat around the cream.

• 59:18Speaker 01

  Got you.

• 59:18Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 59:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, great.

• 59:22Speaker 02

  Would you consider getting your mum to lick the cream off your banoffee pie?

• 59:26Speaker 01

  Why would you do this to both of us?

• 59:31Speaker 01

  We're dead.

• 59:34Speaker 02

  Um...

• 59:37Speaker 02

  Uh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't like to see how the sausages are made, but if she... If she brings me a banoffee pie and the cream's not there, I'm not asking whether she's licked it off.

• 59:52Speaker 02

  Ask no questions, hear no lies.

• 59:56Speaker 02

  I can't be asking my mother every time I see something's been removed whether she's licked it off.

• 1:00:04Speaker 02

  We've got rid of some of your children's books. Did you lick them out?

• 1:00:11Speaker 01

  It's a wonderful Mother's Day episode, this, I think.

• 1:00:14Speaker 02

  Well, it's not a Mother's Day episode, is it?

• 1:00:16Speaker 01

  Isn't it?

• 1:00:18Speaker 02

  Oh, you tell me?

• 1:00:19Speaker 01

  Right now it is.

• 1:00:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, it is now, yeah.

• 1:00:21Speaker 01

  As we speak.

• 1:00:22Speaker 02

  Yeah. Will it go out earlier today?

• 1:00:28Speaker 01

  Maybe next Mother's Day.

• 1:00:30Speaker 02

  Of course, maybe next Mother's Day.

• 1:00:30Speaker 01

  It's not all that out.

• 1:00:32Speaker 02

  I don't think we can rule anything out at this stage.

• 1:00:33Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:00:34Speaker 02

  All options are on the table.

• 1:00:36Speaker 01

  Nish, for his dream dessert, wanted the peach cobbler from Jackson and Rye. This was a big deal, Tim, because, uh...

• 1:00:43Speaker 02

  I know what a cobbler is.

• 1:00:46Speaker 02

  Go on.

• 1:00:50Speaker 02

  What do you know?

• 1:00:52Speaker 00

  Yes, I'm the host of this podcast.

• 1:00:54Speaker 02

  Co-host. Grow up.

• 1:00:57Speaker 00

  Fair.

• 1:00:59Speaker 00

  Fair.

• 1:00:59Speaker 02

  That's the beauty of you two.

• 1:01:01Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 1:01:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, I don't think one of you could do it.

• 1:01:05Speaker 02

  No, that's... I mean, they laughed. These guys don't know anything. What I'm saying is... It wouldn't be the same, would it?

• 1:01:11Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:01:11Speaker 02

  No. So a cobbler...

• 1:01:16Speaker 02

  Well, as far as I can understand... Well, I only know this because my godson ordered a cobbler in Manchester on Saturday. And what I think a cobbler is, anyway, is food with like a roof on it.

• 1:01:29Speaker 02

  Or pie without walls. Is it? Is it?

• 1:01:33Speaker 00

  I don't...

• 1:01:34Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:01:34Speaker 00

  No, I think it would be... It's similar to a crumble, but rather than a crumble topping, it's more of a sort of baked topping. More of like a pastry topping.

• 1:01:42Speaker 02

  So I don't... So I didn't know?

• 1:01:44Speaker 00

  Well, no, I mean, I think you did know. I think you were honing in on what a cobbler was, but you stopped at food with a roof on it.

• 1:01:52Speaker 02

  That's sad, isn't it?

• 1:01:53Speaker 00

  That could be a lot of things, food with a roof on it. That could be a restaurant, couldn't it?

• 1:01:58Speaker 02

  I'd argue that most restaurants have walls. I think you're describing a cuisine gazebo.

• 1:02:06Speaker 00

  Sorry, I always do that.

• 1:02:08Speaker 02

  Gazebo.

• 1:02:09Speaker 01

  A quizebo.

• 1:02:12Speaker 01

  You said a cuisine gazebo, and I said a quizebo.

• 1:02:16Speaker 02

  And I'm all for that. How quickly did he say it? Right after I'd said my thing?

• 1:02:22Speaker 01

  So Nish ordered this.

• 1:02:25Speaker 01

  The reason why this was important to Nish is because Jackson and I had stopped doing the peach cobbler. So he wanted to launch a campaign on the podcast to bring back Kumar's cobbler.

• 1:02:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've done that before.

• 1:02:39Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 1:02:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:43Speaker 01

  Dare I ask you to elaborate?

• 1:02:46Speaker 02

  Well... They stopped doing sweet rhubarb tea. And I, um...

• 1:02:53Speaker 00

  Who did?

• 1:02:58Speaker 02

  You know, the tea guys. Harrogate? Harrogate Tea? I don't know, is there one called Harrogate?

• 1:03:04Speaker 00

  The tea rooms in Harrogate.

• 1:03:06Speaker 02

  What?

• 1:03:06Speaker 00

  The tea rooms in Harrogate.

• 1:03:08Speaker 02

  No, there's a, there's a company that make tea. Excuse me? Taylors.

• 1:03:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:17Speaker 02

  Taylors. So they stopped doing sweet rhubarb tea. And that was my favourite. And I either, can't remember, but I either emailed or certainly was gonna. And anyway, but the point being, I think they do it again. Well, they definitely do like a blackberry one now.

• 1:03:37Speaker 02

  So I'm quite aware of what Nish is up to.

• 1:03:39Speaker 00

  Yes. We, we launched a campaign for Nish, but hashtag save Kumars Kobla, bring back Kumars Kobla. Uh, no, instead, they went in a different direction and shut down.

• 1:03:51Speaker 02

  One, I've got an interesting thing I'd like to say.

• 1:03:54Speaker 00

  Go on.

• 1:03:54Speaker 02

  If it's not too late. They did a, um, you, so you, do you sometimes like say things in your podcast and then you get stuff?

• 1:04:01Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:04:02Speaker 02

  Would that be fair?

• 1:04:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:03Speaker 02

  Right. And at one point, you, um, well, anyway, you got a, um, a beer machine. Would that be fair?

• 1:04:12Speaker 00

  We got sent a beer machine, yes. Like, you, you, we got sent two of them. You can pour pints from it.

• 1:04:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:17Speaker 00

  You load it up and you can pour pints from it, yeah.

• 1:04:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, we did, but that would be fair.

• 1:04:21Speaker 00

  That was early on in the podcast as well.

• 1:04:23Speaker 01

  They were sent to the office.

• 1:04:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:24Speaker 01

  And you were in the office.

• 1:04:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:26Speaker 01

  Doing something else.

• 1:04:27Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, something else, come on. Creating, probably.

• 1:04:30Speaker 01

  Doing your book.

• 1:04:31Speaker 02

  I was probably coming up, I was probably just standing there, coming up with my film. Standing, standing there.

• 1:04:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, and coming up with my film.

• 1:04:38Speaker 01

  And you said, what are these?

• 1:04:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:41Speaker 01

  We said, the beer machines.

• 1:04:42Speaker 02

  Beer machines, yeah.

• 1:04:43Speaker 01

  Yeah. Uh, and you went, you just get given these?

• 1:04:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:47Speaker 02

  I wasn't jealous.

• 1:04:48Speaker 01

  And you went, you're gonna take these home?

• 1:04:50Speaker 02

  Uh.

• 1:04:51Speaker 01

  I said, I'm not taking mine home.

• 1:04:52Speaker 02

  Uh.

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  Couldn't I have it?

• 1:04:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:54Speaker 01

  Was your next question?

• 1:04:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:55Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 1:04:56Speaker 02

  There's no, there's, I don't think there's...

• 1:04:57Speaker 01

  In my memory, you picked it up and walked out the door.

• 1:05:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. There's no, that's a perfectly dignified thing to do. I mean, it's a beer machine. What you do is you put a keg in it and then it sort of takes it to the right temperature and then it pours it. It's made by a company called Perfect Draft, fantastic. Mine's just broken.

• 1:05:23Speaker 01

  Fantastic.

• 1:05:24Speaker 02

  I took it to the Christmas 35 people thing.

• 1:05:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:28Speaker 02

  Obviously you can't take them in a suitcase. Don't know what I was thinking. Arrived there, plugged it in, didn't work anymore.

• 1:05:35Speaker 01

  A shame.

• 1:05:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, well I didn't know a lot of the people there, so they're like, I don't know why he's done that. Do not know why he's done it. Which was also my internal monologue. Why have I taken a beer machine?

• 1:05:46Speaker 01

  So what do you think of Nish's menu as we get to the end of it? Did you enjoy eating it?

• 1:05:50Speaker 02

  Genuinely, it's a great menu. It started off with the kebab.

• 1:05:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, oh this is fun.

• 1:05:59Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 1:06:00Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 1:06:02Speaker 02

  Then we went into ghus. With ham in Coca-Cola.

• 1:06:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:07Speaker 02

  With a side order of roast potatoes. And then we finished off with the discontinued cobbler.

• 1:06:15Speaker 01

  What was the drink?

• 1:06:16Speaker 02

  What was the drink? Malbec.

• 1:06:19Speaker 01

  Good memory, Tim.

• 1:06:22Speaker 01

  It's pretty impressive, actually.

• 1:06:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, I think that's a really, really strong menu. What do you think?

• 1:06:29Speaker 01

  Well, I think you're right, but I was looking forward to telling Nish tomorrow that you hated his menu and getting his reaction to it.

• 1:06:36Speaker 02

  Oh, I don't hate that at all.

• 1:06:37Speaker 01

  For tomorrow's gig, with our surprise guest.

• 1:06:43Speaker 02

  What's, whose menu will it be that you're going to?

• 1:06:45Speaker 01

  Don't say, James.

• 1:06:49Speaker 01

  I don't think he's remembered, he's not checked the text anyway, I think.

• 1:06:52Speaker 02

  Is it always James?

• 1:06:54Speaker 01

  What, the co-host?

• 1:06:55Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:06:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, tends to be.

• 1:07:00Speaker 02

  But what you call him, do you always say James?

• 1:07:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, I go with James, yeah.

• 1:07:03Speaker 02

  Ever Jim?

• 1:07:04Speaker 01

  I go Jimmy sometimes.

• 1:07:05Speaker 02

  Jimmy, yeah.

• 1:07:05Speaker 01

  If I'm feeling cheeky.

• 1:07:07Speaker 02

  Do you think you'll say Jimmy more once he's dead, when you're talking about him?

• 1:07:11Speaker 01

  Very bold to assume that he's gonna die before me.

• 1:07:15Speaker 02

  Oh, what are we thinking?

• 1:07:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, well.

• 1:07:18Speaker 02

  What do you think you're gonna go?

• 1:07:21Speaker 02

  I think you're the sort of person, I can sort of imagine a sort of old version of you.

• 1:07:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, I can imagine.

• 1:07:27Speaker 02

  I can imagine you in your 80s.

• 1:07:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, I actually can't imagine Ed old, so maybe Ed dies first. Okay, cool. We like to end on a big fun thing normally, Tim. It's been good to see you, Tim.

• 1:07:37Speaker 02

  Oh, great to see you.

• 1:07:38Speaker 01

  Nice to see you, thanks for coming to the Albert Hall and talking to us.

• 1:07:41Speaker 02

  A real, a real, a real pleasure.

• 1:07:44Speaker 01

  You got a take-home message for the audience?

• 1:07:46Speaker 00

  Before we go.

• 1:07:48Speaker 02

  Um, no, not really. I mean, you know. Well, I would say this, you've got a very nice audience. I would say that.

• 1:07:58Speaker 00

  You're very nice.

• 1:07:59Speaker 02

  I watched the first half from a box and it was fantastic. I was royally entertained. I think you two do a fantastic job.

• 1:08:10Speaker 00

  He can't handle it, can he?

• 1:08:11Speaker 02

  No, he can't handle it. That's the thing, he doesn't know what he wants from me.

• 1:08:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, but he can't handle the sincerity.

• 1:08:17Speaker 01

  I'm not, I'm just laughing at it.

• 1:08:19Speaker 02

  Why are you laughing at it though? We need to think about that. Talk to Stuart about that.

• 1:08:24Speaker 01

  It's quite funny to have someone who's sitting there for the whole thing, and you ask them questions and they go, "What the fuck do you want from me?" And then at the end they go, "I love the audience", and they actually applaud it.

• 1:08:37Speaker 01

  It's insane. It's like, what is this?

• 1:08:40Speaker 02

  I'll clear up after myself.

• 1:08:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, get those all cleared up. While you clear up, please.

• 1:08:44Speaker 01

  Anyone you want to give that to on the front? You see there's a man, so like, three seats in on the front there, there's a guy who has definitely been dragged along by his partner. Do you want to bring him the whole plate of poppadons? Because he's furious that he's here.

• 1:09:00Speaker 02

  What, give him the poppadons?

• 1:09:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, give him all the poppadons.

• 1:09:01Speaker 02

  All right.

• 1:09:07Speaker 00

  He's got a lovely smile on his face now.

• 1:09:09Speaker 01

  He's very happy now. I wanted to make him happy. There you go, mate.

• 1:09:13Speaker 00

  What a lovely gift. Can we get a massive round of applause? Go on, a crazy for Tim Key!

• 1:09:20Speaker 00

  What's more for Tim Key?

• 1:09:24Speaker 00

  Thank you so much, guys. You've been a brilliant audience. We'll see most of you tomorrow, I'd imagine, with our secret guest. Bye-bye!

• 1:09:42Speaker 00

  There we are, another absolute banger from the Royal Albert Hall.

• 1:09:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, Tim Key there and his book LA Baby is out now, by the way.

• 1:09:51Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:09:51Speaker 01

  What I just remembered.

• 1:09:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's a great book and he's on tour with Logan Bree, a great show.

• 1:09:56Speaker 01

  Although it would be a better show if it was called Jokes in the Key of Tim.

• 1:09:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:01Speaker 00

  So good.

• 1:10:02Speaker 01

  That would be good.

• 1:10:03Speaker 00

  Yeah. Jokes in the Key of Tim, that's fantastic.

• 1:10:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, he won't have it though.

• 1:10:09Speaker 00

  Key to my heart.

• 1:10:10Speaker 01

  Key to my heart. I got the key, I got the secret.

• 1:10:13Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 1:10:14Speaker 01

  Of course.

• 1:10:15Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 1:10:16Speaker 01

  Uh, I guess we're just trying to think of others now, but like, you, you, you tweet them into Off Menu.

• 1:10:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:22Speaker 01

  Uh, Off Menu Official, at Off Menu Official, tweet your Tim Key puns.

• 1:10:27Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:10:27Speaker 01

  For his show titles.

• 1:10:28Speaker 00

  Do tweet.

• 1:10:29Speaker 01

  Ben will make sure that he gets them to Tim.

• 1:10:33Speaker 00

  And sign chopping board.

• 1:10:34Speaker 01

  And he will send you a sign chopping board if you come up with a good show title, of course. Um, I guess all that's left to say is like, we'll see you on the next one. There's another bonus, there's one more bonus episode left.

• 1:10:45Speaker 00

  Uno mas.

• 1:10:46Speaker 01

  Uno mas, of course. Oh, a little clue there to who the guest is. Um, and, uh,

• 1:10:55Speaker 01

  yeah, you know, just be, be cool.

• 1:10:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, be cool, guys. See you later.

• 1:11:01Speaker 01

  See ya.