Phil Ellis

The Dream Restaurant’s open for business once more, and our first diner for series 16 is ‘Taskmaster’ star and Edinburgh Comedy Award nominee Phil Ellis. Phil Ellis is currently on a nationwide stand-up tour with Bath Mat, including an extra London show at Wilton’s Music Hall on 10th October. He will also be taking the show to Monkey Barrel 1 as part of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe from 3rd - 30th August at 1.55pm. For more info and tickets visit philelliscomedy.com https://www.philelliscomedy.com/ Listen to Phil’s podcast ‘Early Worms’ https://open.spotify.com/show/70l1NRCJpEBCwMgt16Knc6 Follow Phil on Instagram @philelliscomedy https://www.instagram.com/philelliscomedy Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast. Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, injecting the cheese of conversation into the sausage of humour, wrapping it in the bacon of the internet, deep frying it in the oil of love and putting it in the bun of podcast. Sort of like a deep fried bacon wrapped cheese sausage bun, James. Does that sound nice?

• 0:34Speaker 01

  That is Ed Gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant. Every single week we're inviting a guest and asking their favourite ever start, make or dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week our guest is Phil Ellis.

• 0:45Speaker 00

  We love Phil Ellis, a wonderful comedian, an agent of chaos, star of Taskmaster, also star of his new tour show Bathmat.

• 0:52Speaker 01

  Bathmat. Go and see it. Go and get tickets. Go and laugh at Phil Ellis live.

• 0:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's so funny and he's so lovely. I can't wait to chat to him. But of course, we will kick him out because there's a secret ingredient that we've already agreed upon. Again, this will be a very funny person.

• 1:07Speaker 01

  We've agreed upon it.

• 1:08Speaker 00

  We've agreed upon it.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  Not Phil.

• 1:10Speaker 00

  Phil's got no idea.

• 1:11Speaker 01

  He doesn't know what it is.

• 1:12Speaker 00

  No, Phil's got no idea and he would be a great person to kick out.

• 1:13Speaker 01

  It would be absolutely great to kick out. He'll be gutted but he'll also love it. And this week the secret ingredient is lemon sip.

• 1:20Speaker 00

  Lemon sip is the secret ingredient.

• 1:22Speaker 01

  It was actually suggested by a previous guest, Ed, Rod Gilbert.

• 1:25Speaker 00

  Rod Gilbert, Welsh comedian.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  In a live episode suggested that me should choose lemon sip. And he's right, it's gross.

• 1:33Speaker 00

  It's nice. I like it. Look forward to being ill.

• 1:35Speaker 01

  Crazy. Absolutely crazy. But well, let's hope that Phil Ellis doesn't share those sentiments because otherwise he might choose lemon sip and we'll have to kick him out. So that would be a shame if Rod basically got Phil kicked out of the dream restaurant.

• 1:50Speaker 00

  I add extra lemons to it. Would you believe it? It's the first episode of series 16.

• 1:56Speaker 01

  I don't believe it.

• 1:57Speaker 00

  No, James doesn't believe it. He can't believe he's still here.

• 1:59Speaker 01

  Oh my god.

• 2:01Speaker 00

  I'm on tour, edgamble.co.uk for tickets. Fresh hell.

• 2:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, go and see that show.

• 2:08Speaker 00

  This is the Off Menu menu of Phil Ellis.

• 2:21Speaker 00

  Welcome Phil to the Dream Restaurant.

• 2:23Speaker 02

  Yay.

• 2:24Speaker 00

  Thanks for having me. Welcome Phil, out there to the Dream Restaurant, but it's been a year for some time.

• 2:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, it's nice to finally make it down to the front of the queue.

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Yes, you're at the front of the queue.

• 2:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:34Speaker 00

  Skip the queue because you've been on Taskmaster, so that's straight in, that's the golden ticket.

• 2:38Speaker 02

  I push some really hungry people out the way.

• 2:41Speaker 01

  It's like when people go down the queue and they're like, anyone on their own, is anyone on their own? We'll put you on the counter.

• 2:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm like, no one's bothered about Strictly two years ago, mate, out the way. Season 20, mate, right.

• 2:51Speaker 00

  Phil, you saying you did Strictly two years ago?

• 2:54Speaker 02

  No, I'll just pretend I'm pushing someone out the way.

• 2:55Speaker 00

  Who are you pushing out the way?

• 2:57Speaker 02

  I don't know, I didn't watch it, but I hope you're doing alright.

• 3:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:01Speaker 00

  Would you do Strictly?

• 3:03Speaker 02

  I'd love.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  I'd do anything. I'd love to see you on Strictly.

• 3:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, it'd be great. I think on ice would be better for me, no skates.

• 3:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:11Speaker 02

  Just get me out there.

• 3:12Speaker 00

  Barefoot?

• 3:13Speaker 02

  Barefoot, sliding around, trying to get a grip.

• 3:15Speaker 01

  Skinning the soles of your feet on the ice.

• 3:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've never been, I once went ice skating with my dad and he, the way he taught us was he said, just walk around the edge and hold on to that rail.

• 3:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:28Speaker 00

  Didn't build up from that.

• 3:29Speaker 02

  Weirdly, no, I never took it on after that.

• 3:32Speaker 00

  What's your dad like?

• 3:34Speaker 02

  Five foot seven.

• 3:37Speaker 02

  He looks like, when Dick Van Dyke did Diagnosis Murder.

• 3:41Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 3:42Speaker 02

  He looked like that.

• 3:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:45Speaker 02

  He was an orphan, still is an orphan.

• 3:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:48Speaker 02

  No one wants to adopt him at 85.

• 3:50Speaker 00

  You can never go back, really, can you?

• 3:51Speaker 02

  Not really.

• 3:52Speaker 00

  He was an orphan.

• 3:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, once you get into your twenties, that's you, orphan for life.

• 3:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, permanent orphan.

• 3:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's a good, good man, you know, a military man.

• 4:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:02Speaker 02

  But yeah, he's still really fit, which is odd, like, because he holds himself. I've realised if you're old, the way you look younger is you do this.

• 4:10Speaker 00

  You change your posture.

• 4:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, just push your shoulders back.

• 4:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 4:13Speaker 02

  Walk with purpose.

• 4:15Speaker 01

  That is good.

• 4:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:16Speaker 00

  You don't, to me, and this is not an insult, but you don't seem like you're from a military family.

• 4:22Speaker 02

  Do you see the shyness of those shoes?

• 4:24Speaker 00

  That's true.

• 4:25Speaker 01

  Very shiny shoes, yeah.

• 4:27Speaker 02

  And I don't know, if you, if you just got rid of the burns, I can see you in the army.

• 4:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, if you're just listening to this, by the way, Phil is horribly burned.

• 4:35Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  Yes, sorry, I know, I've been.

• 4:39Speaker 02

  Someone had to go and save those children.

• 4:41Speaker 01

  Very cavalier about it when I bought it up.

• 4:43Speaker 02

  You weren't going back.

• 4:46Speaker 01

  I could see like, you know, like a World War One film.

• 4:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:50Speaker 01

  Phil could be a good soldier in that.

• 4:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I'd die in the first scene, wouldn't I? I'd be the guy going, "Come on, everyone, you wanna die? You wanna live forever?"

• 4:58Speaker 00

  You wanna die?

• 5:00Speaker 02

  You wanna die?

• 5:00Speaker 00

  Follow me.

• 5:01Speaker 02

  You wanna die? You wanna die?

• 5:03Speaker 00

  Followed by, "Do you wanna live forever?"

• 5:06Speaker 02

  You got two. There's only two options.

• 5:08Speaker 01

  I would not follow that man into battle.

• 5:10Speaker 02

  No way.

• 5:10Speaker 01

  Just going over the top. "Come on, everyone, you wanna die?" And then convincing themselves to wanna live forever.

• 5:18Speaker 00

  You're dead immediately.

• 5:20Speaker 01

  Like, "Right, good job none of us followed him." Because, "Come on, everyone, you wanna die?" Is the last thing I wanna hear, is someone going over the top.

• 5:29Speaker 02

  Would you have...

• 5:30Speaker 01

  It's such a magic. "Get back in that kitchen, hell, let's put that gun down."

• 5:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:33Speaker 00

  Would you have played football on Christmas Day in World War One?

• 5:35Speaker 02

  I reckon I'd be on the subs bench.

• 5:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 5:38Speaker 02

  I wrote a short film once, which was that. Which was just, it was like, you had to do a thing for Skylight. My fellow, this is Christmas, so I wrote a script.

• 5:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:46Speaker 02

  Didn't get picked up, and it was just me on the subs bench, not getting picked for the entire football match.

• 5:50Speaker 01

  That's good.

• 5:51Speaker 00

  It's a good idea.

• 5:51Speaker 02

  That's really good. And eventually the ball rolls out of play.

• 5:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:55Speaker 02

  And I pop it and it restarts the war. So I think this is good fun. Brilliant. Yeah.

• 5:59Speaker 01

  But that's probably why it didn't get commissioned, was that when you restart the war for a life.

• 6:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think.

• 6:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, and you screamed, "Do you wanna die?", and then popped the ball.

• 6:07Speaker 01

  "Come on, everyone, you wanna die?"

• 6:08Speaker 02

  "Do you wanna die? Join the army." Dush, dush.

• 6:13Speaker 01

  Um, you mentioned being a cook there in the kitchen. Do you like food? Do you cook yourself?

• 6:17Speaker 02

  I'd, um, never cooked myself.

• 6:20Speaker 01

  No, why are you?

• 6:21Speaker 02

  Always working.

• 6:21Speaker 01

  Oh, well, yeah, good. Yeah, yeah.

• 6:23Speaker 02

  I am actually cooking in this stupid leather jacket.

• 6:25Speaker 00

  Yeah, we gotta keep it on now.

• 6:26Speaker 01

  Actually, we do know, you do, you used to post pictures of your dinners online.

• 6:31Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 6:31Speaker 01

  They were beige, they were exclusively beige. You only ate beige food, right?

• 6:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's quite grim, actually. I, I, well, yeah, I realize, I did it for a bit of a laugh after, but after a while it made me sad. Because, yeah, so I like, uh, the best meal, I think, I prepared, um, was, uh, plain spaghetti and a pork chop.

• 6:50Speaker 02

  And I didn't realise how bleak it looks. Oh, and boiled carrots, just sliced.

• 6:54Speaker 00

  Well, it's a bit of colour at least.

• 6:55Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, but it's, it's still really grim.

• 6:58Speaker 01

  Really make it pop. It doesn't pop amongst the.

• 7:01Speaker 00

  Amongst the beige.

• 7:01Speaker 01

  Amongst the beige. I mean.

• 7:03Speaker 02

  I'm just a beige boy.

• 7:04Speaker 01

  I can't imagine that tasted good, Phil.

• 7:06Speaker 02

  No, no, it didn't. But, you know.

• 7:09Speaker 01

  I was probably drunk.

• 7:11Speaker 00

  Yeah. So this is you, you get drunk and you make beige food. This is the, the cooking show.

• 7:16Speaker 02

  Well, I, I think I've just quite bought. I think, well, growing up, I didn't like sauces and like, at all. I mean, it's not changed since sadly, but, um. And, and my mum, I think because my mum and dad had quite a hard upbringing, they didn't want to push anything on me. So when I went, I don't like that. They'd go, that's all right then, buttercup. You sit there with that piece of bread.

• 7:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:36Speaker 02

  You're our special little soldier. Do you want to die?

• 7:41Speaker 00

  So, so you don't really cook now?

• 7:44Speaker 02

  No, I do, but again, it's still beige.

• 7:46Speaker 00

  Is it still beige?

• 7:47Speaker 02

  Yeah. Well, I cooked, I roasted a chicken yesterday.

• 7:49Speaker 01

  Yeah, beige.

• 7:50Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, beige. Put a potato next to it.

• 7:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, beige.

• 7:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's slightly overcooked, so even like more beige. And on the side, a beige stone. Nice little bit of grit.

• 8:02Speaker 01

  A beige stone.

• 8:03Speaker 02

  What did I have with it?

• 8:05Speaker 00

  Bread sauce?

• 8:06Speaker 02

  Uh, no, I made cheese, I made cheese sauce. Yeah.

• 8:09Speaker 00

  So you're saying you don't like sauces, but there's this cheese sauce.

• 8:12Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, but that doesn't count, does it? It's just runny cheese.

• 8:15Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah, yeah.

• 8:16Speaker 02

  It's just melted cheese, really, cheese sauce.

• 8:18Speaker 01

  Was that on the potato?

• 8:19Speaker 02

  Oh, no, I kept it away.

• 8:21Speaker 00

  So do you not like things touching each other?

• 8:23Speaker 02

  No, yeah. So I went for one of those roast dinners, you know, doing Yorkshire pudding.

• 8:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 8:27Speaker 02

  And, but they'd use the base layer. It was like a sweet carrot, like carrot cooked in honey.

• 8:32Speaker 00

  Right.

• 8:32Speaker 02

  Like carrot and turnip, but they'd, but they'd smothered the entire Yorkshire pudding in it and then put the roast dinner on top. So I had to just leave the roast pudding. The roast, the Yorkshire pudding.

• 8:42Speaker 01

  It wouldn't, it touched all the other things.

• 8:44Speaker 02

  It touched everything else, yeah. So I just spent the whole dinner just scraping carrot off every item. It was horrible. You have to get your knacking out to, to clean a pig in blanket. Before you eat it. Not a good dinner, is it?

• 8:57Speaker 00

  So you're fuss, like a fussy eater, would you say, or just specific?

• 9:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I think, I, I think I need to be pushed into something. If I was, if I was trying to impress someone. Saying that like a big Hollywood producer and they're like, hey, you wanna come have some grits? I don't know, do you wanna come and have dinner?

• 9:12Speaker 00

  How you wanna come have some grits?

• 9:13Speaker 02

  Grits, yeah. Is that a meal?

• 9:15Speaker 00

  Like all the big Hollywood producers.

• 9:17Speaker 01

  Your character's mad.

• 9:18Speaker 02

  He's got a 10.

• 9:20Speaker 00

  Frill, we wanna sign you up. Beverly Hills Cop 12. Do you want some grits? The only test, you don't need to audition. With all we wanna know. How you answer this question will be very important for your future in Hollywood. Do you want some grits? A little bit of sauce on that? My wife's homemade sauce.

• 9:41Speaker 01

  Oh, wow. Went to papalasary there.

• 9:45Speaker 01

  Feared into papalasary.

• 9:47Speaker 00

  So unspecific as well, just my wife's homemade sauce. So if, if that, the Hollywood producer said, you want some grits with my wife's homemade sauce?

• 9:54Speaker 02

  I'd be like, mm, God, these grits. I think the sauce really complements the grits.

• 9:58Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. But would you be able, yeah, would you be able to eat, eat them and keep it, keep a straight face?

• 10:04Speaker 02

  I think so. I don't know. I had, have you ever had a meal prepared for you that's so bad, but you don't wanna be rude? The worst, I can't tell this, cause I think I mentioned it once and he got really upset. All right, I'll change his name. He's called Graham.

• 10:20Speaker 00

  Graham.

• 10:21Speaker 02

  And he'd made me, and he's a really lovely guy, and he's a very good friend of mine. Cause I've got a feeling he'll watch this, cause he watches, he does tend to watch podcasts. And I respect you very much. And he made me the worst breakfast ever once at his house. And everything was raw and it was like, and he'd be there, he put a raw sausage in the thing. And then he'd be like, oh, and he'd be swishing it around. And I go, all right. So maybe you wanna cut that bit more, but no, you don't, they don't really need to be cooked anyway, sausages. I'm like, they really do? Like, it's not, that's not a thing, is it? Sausages, you don't have to cook them all the way through.

• 10:50Speaker 00

  I've never, I'd say sausages are one of the things you definitely need.

• 10:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, one of the main ones.

• 10:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:54Speaker 02

  And the bacon, it's like he just sort of put the bacon in the pan and just sort of ran it out and then put it on the plate. It's like it didn't stop moving. And I was just watching it going, I can't eat, I don't know what to do about this. And he's such a nice guy and he was like going, don't you, well, you sit down, enjoy yourself. I've got breakfast. And he's not washed his rough fingers on the toast and that. The egg, the egg again, just went near the pan, I think. Just sort of went, there's a pan, do you want to go in there? The egg went, no, do you know what, just pop me up straight on the plate, mate. So I sat there with this nightmare for me, because I'm weird about food being cooked properly. And then there were beans on it. I was like, I can't eat beans and I don't know what the fuck to do. And then he just sort of sat on a chair, but he'd angled it to look at me whilst I ate the breakfast as well. So I was like, well, but then he had to keep leaving the room to do stuff.

• 11:38Speaker 02

  And I had my rucksack because I'd stayed at his.

• 11:42Speaker 02

  So I keep taking bits when he's not in the room and putting them in my rucksack.

• 11:46Speaker 00

  Raw meat in your rucksack?

• 11:47Speaker 02

  Raw meat in my rucksack. Because I thought, well, look, I'm going to go into town in a minute on my own and I'll just go to the bin at the bus stop and I'll.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  Put the whole rucksack in there?

• 11:58Speaker 02

  I was thinking, I was thinking more like The Great Escape or something.

• 12:00Speaker 01

  Bomb disposal unit come to get rid of your rucksack, there's a raw breakfast in there.

• 12:05Speaker 02

  There's dogs around.

• 12:06Speaker 00

  Screaming, do you want to die as you're putting on a little sausage in your mouth?

• 12:09Speaker 02

  Do you want to die?

• 12:10Speaker 01

  But like, where were you putting it in the rucksack? Was there a little like pocket that you could put the whole breakfast in?

• 12:16Speaker 02

  There was a little side pocket.

• 12:18Speaker 01

  So you didn't contaminate the entire rucksack?

• 12:20Speaker 02

  I wasn't putting it with my fresh socks.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, in the main one, the main compartment.

• 12:25Speaker 02

  But I put it with this movie script.

• 12:26Speaker 00

  But that's very nice of you, Phil, to do that because you didn't want to upset him.

• 12:30Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, and then it had kind of gone quite well because he kept going for a cigarette and then he was doing something else. So I was getting rid of the room.

• 12:36Speaker 00

  This guy, who's this guy?

• 12:37Speaker 01

  He's like a character in, like this is a video game.

• 12:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 12:40Speaker 01

  And the challenge was to get it all in your rucksack and just constantly leaving the room for no reason. I'm just going to do this. So like more than anyone would ever leave the room.

• 12:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's like Monkey Island or something.

• 12:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's actually like Monkey Island. Your guide for a shrimp boy and he's going in and out the room.

• 12:57Speaker 00

  Have to keep scaring a parrot so he goes and check.

• 12:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:01Speaker 02

  More beans, more beans.

• 13:02Speaker 01

  Fucking hell, I love monkey.

• 13:03Speaker 02

  But I got rid of most of it and left like a little bit to make it look like I was, oh, I'm so full. I can't possibly finish that raw egg. And again, I love you so much. You're a brilliant guy. And, uh, and so I went, right. And then I thought, well, I can just walk there now. And then he went, and I had my car, I was leaving my car outside his house and he went, hey, I'll give you a lift. And I went, I can't get in his car because he's going to smell the breakfast.

• 13:24Speaker 01

  Smell the raw breakfast.

• 13:25Speaker 02

  He could be able to smell all the breakfast.

• 13:27Speaker 01

  Sloshing them out in your bag. Seal this grease.

• 13:33Speaker 02

  So I had to go in my boot and go, I'm just gonna get some out of my boot. And I had to empty this uncooked breakfast into the boot of my car.

• 13:39Speaker 01

  What?

• 13:41Speaker 02

  Because I couldn't take it in his car.

• 13:42Speaker 00

  None of these choices are good.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  Why are you not using your car to drive to wherever you were going? Why don't you just drive?

• 13:48Speaker 02

  Uh, you can't, couldn't park it in whatever city centre this was. You couldn't park in that city centre.

• 13:53Speaker 00

  I love you keeping it vague, even though he definitely knows.

• 13:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, and again, I love you so much. You're such a good person. But.

• 14:00Speaker 01

  And you've already said it on another podcast.

• 14:03Speaker 01

  He knows this him.

• 14:04Speaker 02

  And I put it all in the boot and I managed to get it all out. But it was the middle of summer and I had to leave my car there for like three days. And I just remember as he drove away, I was like, I've just left like, I've just got a cooked, an uncooked breakfast in the boot of my car. And I had to go back and drive. And it's absolutely.

• 14:21Speaker 00

  It's like an experiment to see what would happen to a dog if you left it in a hot car.

• 14:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, I left the window open for the sausage.

• 14:26Speaker 00

  Perfectly cooked breakfast.

• 14:29Speaker 00

  To perfection.

• 14:32Speaker 01

  It's the most delicious breakfast you've ever had. Played the long game.

• 14:38Speaker 00

  Well, I can't wait to see what Phil's picked on his phone.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  I can't wait to hear it. But we should talk about Phil's show first.

• 14:43Speaker 00

  We should, absolutely. Your new tour, Bathmat, Phil.

• 14:47Speaker 02

  Yes. Um, I'd say Bathmat, but I don't want to fall out. Thank you for having me on the show.

• 14:53Speaker 00

  I, if, if I, if I went.

• 14:55Speaker 02

  Bathmat.

• 14:55Speaker 00

  If I went, me, if I went, your new show, Bathmat.

• 14:59Speaker 02

  No, you're right.

• 14:59Speaker 00

  That would be awful.

• 15:00Speaker 02

  No, you're right. Likewise, if I went, well, Bathmat, actually, Ed.

• 15:05Speaker 01

  Bathmat.

• 15:06Speaker 02

  No, you're right. I don't know. I, I, I think I got nervous. I was trying to show off. I was trying to show off in front of my mates.

• 15:12Speaker 00

  Mission accomplished.

• 15:13Speaker 02

  What am I going to do my phone for? Yeah, Bathmat.

• 15:15Speaker 00

  Out of everyone, out of everyone who's been in this new camera setup that we've got here.

• 15:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:20Speaker 00

  You're the one who's held gaze directly down the camera.

• 15:22Speaker 01

  You're like, yeah. It's like, it's like you have been captured and you're just like. Just talking directly to the camera, terrified. You just got your phone out for no reason.

• 15:33Speaker 02

  Come on, the ransom's only 12 quid.

• 15:36Speaker 02

  They're sharpening things.

• 15:38Speaker 01

  Tell us, tell us about Bathmat, Phil.

• 15:40Speaker 02

  Well, Bathmat is my new tour.

• 15:45Speaker 01

  Just looking at the camera.

• 15:46Speaker 02

  Do what you like, Phil, it's fine.

• 15:48Speaker 01

  Whatever you want to do, mate.

• 15:51Speaker 02

  It's hard when someone holds like a mirror up to you and you go, what is wrong with me? Why do I have to do? That's why, that's why I hate those new doorbells. Ringing it. You alright? Are you in, Sandra?

• 16:03Speaker 01

  Straight, you're straight down.

• 16:04Speaker 02

  When the champ answers the door.

• 16:05Speaker 01

  Straight down the barrel.

• 16:08Speaker 02

  Still looking at the doorbell. Yeah, yeah, right, Keith, yeah, nice. Uh, can you send me this? Can you send me, we transfer this clip to me, I'll put it online.

• 16:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:16Speaker 02

  Um, sorry, the Bathmat tour is, uh, is my new tour, well, all over the UK.

• 16:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Where's the most like, you know, off the beaten track place that you go into?

• 16:25Speaker 02

  Great question. That is a good question, but then does, am I, like, am I slagging off the town if I say?

• 16:31Speaker 01

  I think they know they're off the beaten track. They'll be appreciative that you're going there because not many tour shows go there.

• 16:36Speaker 00

  And I don't think it's an insult to say someone's off the beaten track.

• 16:38Speaker 01

  No.

• 16:39Speaker 02

  No, you're right. Okay, okay. Cool, cool, cool. Uh, what about, um, is Colchester off the beaten track?

• 16:46Speaker 01

  Little bit. I mean, I, I said, what's the most off the beaten track?

• 16:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 16:49Speaker 01

  That could be the most off the beaten track.

• 16:51Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 16:52Speaker 01

  You know.

• 16:53Speaker 02

  Oh God, I don't know. I don't know. Cause a lot of those I tried in my last tour and I refused to go back to them.

• 16:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, sure. So you're not, that's insulting.

• 17:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 17:02Speaker 02

  Oh yeah, well, they're horrible people.

• 17:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:04Speaker 00

  So if you're not going there, then they know, they know that.

• 17:09Speaker 01

  Only if Phil's been there before.

• 17:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 17:12Speaker 01

  If he's not been there before, it's not personal, but if Phil has been to your city or town and he's not come back, it is for a reason.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  And that goes for us as well, by the way.

• 17:20Speaker 01

  Well, they know it goes for me. I, I tell, I tell them I'm never coming back here again on stage. Bridport know that and that was last week.

• 17:30Speaker 02

  Name and shame, oh you did.

• 17:32Speaker 00

  I live, I live for the texts from James when he's on tour.

• 17:35Speaker 02

  Oh really?

• 17:35Speaker 00

  About, about the places.

• 17:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:37Speaker 00

  I love it.

• 17:38Speaker 02

  And do you blame the town, all the people in the town? Do you just go, that entire town is now dead to me?

• 17:43Speaker 01

  No, I just go, whatever was going on in that room, I'm never being a part of that again. Whatever happened, forget it. You know, so sometimes I know it's me.

• 17:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:52Speaker 01

  So I don't, you know, I go, that's, that's not them. That was absolutely, you know, I was in a bad mood. But sometimes I'm like, no, that, that was definitely, that was unwinnable. I'm never going back there again.

• 18:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, I, I, I did one, one tour show. The last tour I did, uh, when I was dressed as a cat. Hmm. I dressed as a cat.

• 18:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:09Speaker 02

  And it was funny in Edinburgh when you couldn't see me in this skintight cat suit.

• 18:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:13Speaker 02

  When you're on tour and you're quite well lit with a stage, it was rank, like, cause it really hugged the body.

• 18:20Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 18:21Speaker 02

  And it was like the only show that people wanted a restricted view. Like, can I be behind a pillar? You go, oh god. But like, uh, and I, and I went to this one town, I won't name it, but before the gig, I had a bit of time to kill. So I thought, well, I'll go and get a, like a Pepsi or something from the shopping centre. And I, and I had to step over a peacock in the shopping centre. And I was like, this is not gonna go well. If I have to step over a peacock before a gig.

• 18:44Speaker 00

  And you dress as a cat when you're snapping.

• 18:45Speaker 02

  No, not the, yeah, yeah.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  Prowling. Peacock shitting itself. Are you sure it was a peacock? It might have been another comedian doing a show in a different.

• 18:54Speaker 00

  Could have been. Could have been on their way to do the arts centre.

• 19:00Speaker 02

  Look at him stepping over his support hat.

• 19:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, don't be peacocking out there, I'm the main act. Yeah, come on. Keep them feathers down.

• 19:11Speaker 00

  Straight to the camera.

• 19:14Speaker 01

  I'm gonna try and move it.

• 19:16Speaker 00

  I love it. I absolutely love it.

• 19:18Speaker 01

  Can't move it, Phil. Listen there.

• 19:21Speaker 01

  Well, we always start with still a sparkling water, Phil.

• 19:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'll have still water, please.

• 19:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, there's no way I thought you'd go sparkling.

• 19:28Speaker 00

  No way.

• 19:29Speaker 01

  No way.

• 19:30Speaker 02

  Do you ever put like a little bet on? You should have a little book, shouldn't you?

• 19:33Speaker 01

  We should, we should, you know, make it interesting for ourselves. Do a little sweepstake before every, every guest comes on.

• 19:39Speaker 00

  But you were dead, sir, still water.

• 19:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, tap.

• 19:42Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 19:42Speaker 00

  Tap, yeah.

• 19:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, I knew it'd be tap.

• 19:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 19:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 19:45Speaker 00

  Puddle next to a bus stop.

• 19:46Speaker 02

  Yeah. No, no, don't give me a cup.

• 19:49Speaker 00

  You just stand, you stand next to a bus stop where there's like a puddle in the gutter and you just open your mouth when a bus comes along. That's how you're doing it.

• 19:55Speaker 02

  Do you wanna die?

• 20:01Speaker 02

  Oh, that was a leaf.

• 20:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, loving it.

• 20:04Speaker 00

  Straight down the camera.

• 20:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, straight down the cameras with the impression of spitting out a leaf and saying, I'm gonna turn around. That was my favourite bit. But you gotta chop that up and make a gif.

• 20:16Speaker 01

  Phil going, that was a leaf? Straight into the camera.

• 20:19Speaker 00

  He's writing it down.

• 20:20Speaker 01

  He's writing it down, make a gif of it. That should just be the episode, the shortest episode.

• 20:25Speaker 00

  Are you anti-sparkling water? It just doesn't come, pop up in your life very often?

• 20:29Speaker 02

  It doesn't, well, it's sometimes free in a room.

• 20:32Speaker 00

  Free in a room?

• 20:33Speaker 02

  Not only just a room.

• 20:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, these big rooms, it's all free stuff. You just walk in.

• 20:37Speaker 01

  Family terrified in the corner.

• 20:40Speaker 00

  How did you get it? You step out of a beak cock and then you just get something from the room.

• 20:45Speaker 02

  All these free things in this house. Look, don't worry, children, he'll be gone soon. I don't, no, I don't like, because it never quenches my thirst. And I always think there should be something else going on in it. Like, there should be some sugary, you know, sort of, um, what do you, what did you used to put? What's it called? Syrup?

• 21:03Speaker 00

  Syrup.

• 21:03Speaker 02

  Is that syrup? Like, no, but when you used to do.

• 21:07Speaker 01

  You're making them at home, yeah.

• 21:08Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 21:09Speaker 02

  Was it called syrup when you were pouring or?

• 21:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, I guess so, yeah.

• 21:11Speaker 01

  Put some syrup in.

• 21:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's what they do in pubs and stuff.

• 21:17Speaker 02

  We'll put an email at the bottom there.

• 21:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 21:22Speaker 00

  Put Phil's, put Phil's email at the bottom.

• 21:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, great. So, yeah, I, I thought you wouldn't go for sparkling because it's like la di da and you're a very salt of the earth guy.

• 21:33Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. I'd be like, sparkling water?

• 21:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:37Speaker 02

  And you can put them ballet shoes down as well, you know, son of mine.

• 21:42Speaker 02

  You'll get back in that call centre like my dad before me and my granddad.

• 21:47Speaker 01

  You would be great.

• 21:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:49Speaker 02

  Billy Elliot's dad.

• 21:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 21:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, so Billy Elliot's dad, trying to squash his dream.

• 21:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're a good dream squasher.

• 21:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I would try. No, I think I'd be very, my parents encouraged me and look at that turn up. I'd probably be doing them a favour.

• 22:04Speaker 01

  If you were Billy Elliot's dad, what would you, like if it was your real life, you're not just playing it in a film that someone's offered you if you eat some grits. But like, if you're like, if this is like, real.

• 22:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 22:15Speaker 01

  Uh, what are you doing? How are you conducting yourself?

• 22:18Speaker 02

  Uh, first of all, I never wear a shirt, just braces on bare skin.

• 22:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 22:24Speaker 02

  Uh, boots, just in case the factory opens.

• 22:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, never know.

• 22:29Speaker 02

  Someone needs a bit of coal digging up. Always be carrying a shovel.

• 22:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:34Speaker 02

  Not like a massive one, but just one that, you know, I can, I can go, I can crack on for a bit, but I'll have to go home and get my big one. I'm always ready for work and I'd probably be drunk all the time.

• 22:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 22:45Speaker 02

  I think so. That's how I'd carry myself. But I'd have a heart of gold and at the very end, when my son does do it and I see him ballet dancing on the wall, like, I will go, "Oh, bloody gorgeous that was."

• 22:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:57Speaker 02

  "Now get back to your re, what did I say about ballet?"

• 23:00Speaker 01

  So, yeah, so in your version of it, he would not be allowed to do ballet at the end.

• 23:05Speaker 02

  No.

• 23:05Speaker 01

  So still at the end of the film, he's not allowed to do it.

• 23:07Speaker 02

  No, but then we'd cut forward 20 years later and he'd have like five kids and a wife and he'd go, "Do you know what, dad? You were right."

• 23:17Speaker 02

  "I'm so much happier. Look at all my other ballet friends." And they're all like outside and waiting for the bus to drive past the puddle.

• 23:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:24Speaker 02

  Open mouth.

• 23:26Speaker 00

  That's the version of Billy Elliot I want to see.

• 23:28Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:29Speaker 00

  Where he never does, he never does ballet.

• 23:31Speaker 01

  And the dad was right.

• 23:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, the dad was right.

• 23:32Speaker 02

  I've never seen it.

• 23:33Speaker 00

  I've never seen it. I assume he does, I assume it comes alright.

• 23:36Speaker 02

  None of us have seen Billy Elliot.

• 23:37Speaker 00

  No.

• 23:37Speaker 02

  No, I just watched Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels on repeat. Seems like a big film that we should have watched.

• 23:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I think we get it.

• 23:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 23:47Speaker 01

  Not really Elliot.

• 23:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, I get that.

• 23:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, you get, I've seen the bit where he's dancing down the street.

• 23:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, I get it from the trailer.

• 23:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:52Speaker 00

  There's loads of films like that where you're like, I get it.

• 23:53Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I get it.

• 23:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, they were a drag. Huh? They were a drag.

• 23:58Speaker 00

  I get it.

• 23:59Speaker 02

  They were a drag. Oh, I've not even seen the trailer for that.

• 24:01Speaker 00

  The trailer.

• 24:02Speaker 02

  Don't want to say the trailer, mate. No, Blake.

• 24:06Speaker 01

  Pop nobs or bread, pop nobs or bread, Phil, Alice, pop nobs or bread?

• 24:10Speaker 02

  Um, I need to blow my nose, I might have to do that.

• 24:12Speaker 00

  I thought you were getting your phone out for your nose again.

• 24:14Speaker 01

  You know where you've got to look while you're doing it.

• 24:15Speaker 02

  But this is.

• 24:16Speaker 01

  Look directly down the camera while you're blowing your nose, please.

• 24:17Speaker 02

  Thank you, can I have a fresh tissue because this one looks rank?

• 24:20Speaker 01

  That would have been the boot of your car for three days.

• 24:21Speaker 02

  Oh, sorry, I could lean forward, I suppose.

• 24:23Speaker 01

  Slowly.

• 24:23Speaker 02

  Thank you so much.

• 24:24Speaker 01

  Cooking breakfast. Yeah, yeah.

• 24:27Speaker 02

  Do you want to do this as a Patreon?

• 24:28Speaker 00

  Right down, right down.

• 24:28Speaker 01

  Straight down the back of the camera, please, Phil.

• 24:32Speaker 02

  I know, but I wanted to do the picking thing, just to get it.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, you've got to do the picking thing.

• 24:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're going to do the next one. It's good, it's.

• 24:38Speaker 01

  No, you're clean.

• 24:39Speaker 00

  I think it says a lot about a man with a nose blowing style, doesn't it?

• 24:42Speaker 01

  It does.

• 24:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 24:43Speaker 02

  What if I did a car too, my mouth goes, woo.

• 24:46Speaker 01

  If it makes a honking noise. But yeah, you've got to, you've got to get in there.

• 24:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:51Speaker 01

  Sometimes, and like, the people who don't, they're, they're going to pay the price later on.

• 24:55Speaker 02

  I wonder what age you stop blowing the child's nose for, you know, when they're always going, blow.

• 25:00Speaker 00

  My mum still, my mum still does mine.

• 25:02Speaker 02

  Mum, can you come round?

• 25:04Speaker 00

  They suck it out, some parents, you know that?

• 25:06Speaker 02

  Well, they don't.

• 25:08Speaker 00

  Because kids can't, like, babies can't blow their nose, so they literally, they recommend, or, you know, a lot of people do this, literally sucking it out for them.

• 25:16Speaker 01

  Parents are disgusting.

• 25:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's true, but, but then they also, there's this tube being invented that you like put over your kid's nose and suck it through the tube so it doesn't end up in your mouth, but some parents just literally.

• 25:25Speaker 01

  It's like, yeah, I was about to say this, I see.

• 25:28Speaker 02

  I've been meant.

• 25:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think that's just part of being a parent, you've got to suck, suck snot out your baby's head.

• 25:34Speaker 01

  No, thank you. I mean, this is, this is a different podcast run by two other losers. But it sounds disgusting.

• 25:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:41Speaker 02

  I'm glad I can't have kids.

• 25:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:43Speaker 02

  Yeah. That's what it entails.

• 25:46Speaker 00

  Poppadoms are bread though.

• 25:48Speaker 02

  Oh, sorry. Yeah, thank you for my apologies. I've gone off.

• 25:53Speaker 02

  Bread. Bread. I'm a breadie boy.

• 25:55Speaker 00

  You're a breadie boy.

• 25:56Speaker 02

  I bet you guessed that as well.

• 25:57Speaker 00

  I don't know, actually. I wouldn't have guessed that. I guess poppadoms have got a lot of dips and you said you don't like sauce. So I guess that's gonna put you off.

• 26:05Speaker 02

  Because sometimes I'll eat the poppadoms around like a, if I'm go out and I always have a, if I go to like an Indian restaurant, I'll always have the mixed grill. So I get the driest things.

• 26:14Speaker 00

  Wow. All the tikka stuff?

• 26:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, so which is still like, I like the flavour.

• 26:19Speaker 00

  Delicious.

• 26:19Speaker 02

  But I just, and I take the onions off. Do you want these onions?

• 26:22Speaker 00

  Wow, so generous.

• 26:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:24Speaker 00

  Oh, I love going out. I love having dinner with Phil Ellis. He always gives me his onions.

• 26:29Speaker 02

  His metal tray's going. Anyone? Carboard lid?

• 26:33Speaker 00

  Does anyone want my onions?

• 26:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, give the lid a lick. That's good to go.

• 26:39Speaker 00

  So you just have the, just have the meats?

• 26:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, and sometimes I would go, oh, poppadom, I'll try that. And then it is just, it's dry in it, yeah.

• 26:45Speaker 00

  You say that you like dry?

• 26:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, I don't know if I like, I'd put some margarine on it.

• 26:51Speaker 00

  On a poppadom?

• 26:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, if they had it. Got any Vitalite? Have a word. They'll have some in the kitchen. They'll probably cook a little bit of Vitalite.

• 26:59Speaker 00

  So bread, you're going with the bread?

• 27:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 27:01Speaker 00

  Is there a specific type of bread or a bread from a specific place that you want?

• 27:05Speaker 02

  Oh, now, do you know, do you know the best bread I ever had?

• 27:08Speaker 00

  Please.

• 27:09Speaker 02

  Was like a baton, like, you know, they've called them batons, you know, you couldn't wield it as a weapon, but it was like, um, I suppose you'd call it like, just, what would you call it? I mean, like a roll, I suppose.

• 27:21Speaker 00

  A stick?

• 27:21Speaker 02

  No, it was really soft white bread.

• 27:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:24Speaker 02

  And then I just remember when you're cutting it, it wasn't like, airy, it wasn't too airy. It had like a nice sort of solid feel to it, but it wasn't too hard. It was just right. And I put a lovely egg in it.

• 27:37Speaker 02

  Cracked it, put it in it. My friend taught me how to do it.

• 27:41Speaker 00

  Where, where was this bread?

• 27:43Speaker 02

  Uh, it was in the Lake District.

• 27:45Speaker 01

  Hmm, it's a big area.

• 27:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:48Speaker 01

  It's a lot of bread to have been from.

• 27:50Speaker 00

  We're gonna narrow it down. So were you, was it a restaurant? Were you staying somewhere?

• 27:54Speaker 02

  No, it was in like, it was in like a deli.

• 27:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:57Speaker 02

  And they had this nice baton and I said, can I have a sausage and egg? And it was the nicest thing. My mouth watered and I nearly cried, remember?

• 28:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, that can be your bread course if you want.

• 28:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:08Speaker 01

  You can have that with a sausage and egg in it.

• 28:09Speaker 02

  I can have that as well. I can put stuff in the bread.

• 28:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:12Speaker 02

  Oh brilliant, have a sausage and egg baton please.

• 28:14Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:15Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 28:15Speaker 01

  Sausage and egg baton from the Lake District.

• 28:16Speaker 00

  Whereabouts in the Lake District was it? Can you remember?

• 28:19Speaker 02

  It wasn't near a lake.

• 28:22Speaker 02

  It's sort of the that's kind of district. Um, I can't remember. It's a long time ago.

• 28:27Speaker 00

  I think this sounds like lovely bread course.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's right. Yeah. I love a bit of bread.

• 28:31Speaker 00

  What sort of sausages is in there?

• 28:33Speaker 02

  Uh, just plain pork please.

• 28:35Speaker 00

  Plain pork?

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Plain porky boys.

• 28:36Speaker 00

  And cooked all the way through.

• 28:38Speaker 02

  All the way through please and cooked in half.

• 28:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:40Speaker 02

  Don't want them rolling around in there.

• 28:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's a good point for a sausage sandwich.

• 28:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, you want it.

• 28:44Speaker 00

  You've got to split and split and flatten them.

• 28:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, you've got to split and flatten them.

• 28:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:48Speaker 02

  Took me years to figure that out. Always rolling out, always like eating a baton and you'd be trying to chat to someone, you're always poking one back in. And it was like, there must be a better way than this.

• 28:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:59Speaker 02

  The only way to stabilise these, these cylindrical meat.

• 29:03Speaker 00

  I have a regular argument with my tour manager, Paul Brown.

• 29:07Speaker 02

  Full name.

• 29:07Speaker 00

  Well, we have, we have a lot of breakfast together and he always, and I think this is a stupid thing to do.

• 29:12Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 29:13Speaker 00

  Always asks for a sausage as well done.

• 29:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, unnecessary.

• 29:16Speaker 00

  I feel like it's unnecessary, but he claims that most places undercook their sausages. Or there's a lot of places that undercook them and you're at risk of having like the situation that you had with a raw sausage.

• 29:26Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 29:27Speaker 00

  But I've never had that before.

• 29:29Speaker 02

  No, I know, I do get, I think it's because pork is the thing that we all fear, don't we? Because we've been told for years, pork, if it's undercooked, you will, that's you done.

• 29:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're done.

• 29:38Speaker 02

  But I think it goes back to the days when we didn't have fridges.

• 29:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:42Speaker 02

  But I think that is one fear, yeah. But sometimes you have, like, I suppose if you're used to, maybe if you go to a place and you weren't happy the first time, then you can say, can you cook the sausages more?

• 29:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:54Speaker 02

  But I generally give someone the benefit of the doubt.

• 29:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think so. But then we were on tour the other day and it was a buffet situation. We lifted up the lid and the sausages were the palest looking things and some of them were broken up and they're all in pile. It's horrible, like visceral.

• 30:08Speaker 02

  I did get told once though, I went to Wetherspoons for breakfast and they brought, and the eggs now, well, they brought them their own. Mate, I presented the eggs.

• 30:18Speaker 02

  But they, and they were all hard. So I went, oh, sorry, do you mind if I have a runny egg? Now, you've got to ask for that.

• 30:24Speaker 00

  Which you've just done.

• 30:25Speaker 02

  What? Yeah, but I don't think.

• 30:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. So that's what's happening. But that's what's happening now.

• 30:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:32Speaker 01

  That's literally what is going on right now. You can't, I can't be your response.

• 30:36Speaker 00

  You can't get me on that.

• 30:37Speaker 01

  The response to the question can't be, I have to ask the question.

• 30:40Speaker 02

  But, and so ever since I go in and go, I can have my eggs runny? And they go, yeah, they come runny. And I was like, well, I'm the idiot, but I was told specifically to ask.

• 30:48Speaker 00

  And the one, the one day you don't ask, it'll be a hard egg again.

• 30:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, it happened.

• 30:51Speaker 00

  How often are you having Wetherspoons breakfast, Phil? We're just trying to get a picture of your life.

• 30:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:58Speaker 02

  Tomorrow morning, I will have a Wetherspoons breakfast.

• 31:00Speaker 00

  So that's how often you know in advance that you're having a Wetherspoons breakfast tomorrow.

• 31:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, get there before 12, get there before 11.30 because otherwise the chef's like, oh, I'm in Burger Zone. Yeah, really, I've had enough of breakfast.

• 31:14Speaker 01

  So, sorry Phil, so there are loads of places, greasy spoons and stuff that do really good fry ups.

• 31:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 31:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:20Speaker 01

  Why are you going to Wetherspoons, which I don't think is as good as your standard cafe?

• 31:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, I would agree with you. Yeah, okay. But do they, do the cafes do a bottomless coffee for one pound seventy?

• 31:33Speaker 01

  Hmm, I see. So that's what's drawn you in there.

• 31:36Speaker 02

  And do they have the atmosphere, the jovial, warm atmosphere of a Wetherspoon?

• 31:39Speaker 00

  At 11.30, yeah, yeah.

• 31:40Speaker 02

  At 11.30 AM.

• 31:42Speaker 00

  They got, and plates.

• 31:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, and the smell of a fresh Guinness on the table next to you.

• 31:46Speaker 01

  Hmm, the smell of it or you order in one of those?

• 31:49Speaker 02

  I put it on the table next to me and then when someone comes to clear it away, I go, whoa, no, no, no, no. I go, pretending I'm not drinking it.

• 31:55Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 31:57Speaker 00

  No, I can't remember the last time I had a Wetherspoons breakfast or food in Wetherspoons, to be honest. I'll have a breakfast in like an airport cafe and a pint, maybe.

• 32:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:07Speaker 00

  Love to be a lad now and again.

• 32:08Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 32:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:09Speaker 02

  What's the earliest you've had a pint alone?

• 32:13Speaker 00

  Oh, great question.

• 32:15Speaker 01

  Not even started the main menu yet.

• 32:17Speaker 00

  Sorry.

• 32:18Speaker 01

  Phil's asking, what's the earliest you've had a pint alone?

• 32:23Speaker 00

  It's probably at an airport.

• 32:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 32:25Speaker 00

  But I don't think I would have been alone though, because I would have been flying with someone. Yeah, or a stag do. But you wouldn't be alone, would you?

• 32:30Speaker 01

  No, that's sorry.

• 32:32Speaker 02

  Probably alone on my stag do.

• 32:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, I mean, it's gonna be at an airport, but then I can't even think.

• 32:38Speaker 00

  I probably wouldn't have a pint alone.

• 32:40Speaker 01

  I don't know.

• 32:41Speaker 00

  To be honest. What about you? Please answer the question.

• 32:44Speaker 02

  Well, tomorrow.

• 32:48Speaker 00

  What do you pair with a Wetherspoons breakfast? What pint is the best?

• 32:52Speaker 02

  Oh, I just go for like a nice Carlsberg. It's easy, it's fresh, it's low alcohol. So you don't feel too bad.

• 32:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 32:57Speaker 02

  And you dip your sausage in.

• 33:01Speaker 00

  And do you have to ask for the Carlsberg, Ronnie?

• 33:05Speaker 00

  Rock hard Carlsberg. I know you gotta ask for that.

• 33:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:10Speaker 01

  Did you specify?

• 33:12Speaker 00

  Today's episode of the Off Menu podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.

• 33:18Speaker 01

  Oh, man. Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan. Do you know what I mean?

• 33:23Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofas, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast. But you know what? We very rarely talk about where we want to eat this dream meal.

• 33:43Speaker 01

  Sure, yeah. I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the set in the vibe. And Cozy's modular customizable furniture for the whole home does just that.

• 33:54Speaker 00

  And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room. And I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat. Eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful, cosy table. Linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James, you're a mucky pup.

• 34:16Speaker 01

  I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the cosy furniture?

• 34:19Speaker 00

  No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs. You telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere. Don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.

• 34:31Speaker 01

  Oh, so you're saying cosy banks every day at home feel like my best day?

• 34:34Speaker 00

  Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. And with cosy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well. And that's where cosy comes in.

• 34:51Speaker 01

  And because it's cosy, the furniture isn't just good looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers and free design consultations, if you want help making the whole room work.

• 35:03Speaker 00

  And it's easy to order, ship and assemble and maintain, James. The only way is the cosy way.

• 35:09Speaker 01

  Visit cosy today, that's C O Z E Y dot com and make yourself at home.

• 35:18Speaker 01

  Your dream starter, Philos.

• 35:21Speaker 02

  Oxtail soup.

• 35:22Speaker 00

  Did you just look down the camera?

• 35:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, I did, but I turned up too soon. I realised, let me back. What is that? It's weird. I've done it again. An oxtail soup.

• 35:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 35:33Speaker 02

  Not too heavy, but I'm getting a bit of a meaty hit before we get... Well, don't want to, no spoilers.

• 35:39Speaker 00

  No spoilers.

• 35:40Speaker 02

  We might be meeting the rest of that bovine baby soup.

• 35:45Speaker 00

  This is tail to nose eating, we're doing.

• 35:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 35:48Speaker 00

  Start at the back, work our way forward.

• 35:50Speaker 01

  The dessert will be the oxtails. Covered in powdered sugar.

• 35:54Speaker 02

  The dessert's the thing it's looking at.

• 35:55Speaker 01

  Yeah. You've gone so far, nose to tail, that you go beyond what it's looking at.

• 36:02Speaker 00

  Past the ring in its nose.

• 36:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. This surprises me because you don't like sauces, but you picked a soup, which I would say is a...

• 36:10Speaker 00

  Big bowl of sauce.

• 36:10Speaker 01

  Big bowl of sauce.

• 36:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, that is an issue that people do say that soup is a sauce. But when does a liquid become a sauce and when does a sauce become a liquid? And what is soup?

• 36:24Speaker 01

  What's on the subject? Sauce is liquid, I think people would say.

• 36:28Speaker 02

  Really?

• 36:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 36:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, but then soup is liquid too, but then I guess it's presentation.

• 36:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, so am I having a nice cup of sauce?

• 36:37Speaker 01

  No, no, no, sir.

• 36:39Speaker 02

  Oh, two sugars in my sauce, please, and milk. Tea sauce.

• 36:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's, I think it's, presentation, it's context.

• 36:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I'm not pouring the oxtail soup on anything.

• 36:50Speaker 00

  No, it's in a bowl.

• 36:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, so it's contained, I kind of get it. It's not tainting anything around it.

• 36:55Speaker 00

  You can have soup in a mug, and then that become, does that become a drink then?

• 36:59Speaker 02

  Hmm, that becomes a really lonely phase of your life.

• 37:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:02Speaker 02

  Believe you me, mate.

• 37:03Speaker 00

  I hate soup in a mug, man.

• 37:04Speaker 02

  Do you?

• 37:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, I really hate it. I really hate it. So you're supposed to just drink it? Do you like drinking it out the mug?

• 37:10Speaker 01

  Yeah, as long as there's no bits in it. When there's bits in it, it's annoying out the mug, because then you, they'll all just sink into the bottom.

• 37:15Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 37:16Speaker 01

  That's annoying.

• 37:16Speaker 00

  And there's bits in the oxtail soup, I'm guessing.

• 37:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, but the ones I get, the tinned oxtail I get, I, luckily, the bits of carrot in it, which ruin it, all float to the top. So if you open the, leave it to settle, open the tin carefully, and then you can scoop all them out before you start. Flick them in the sink, get them in that little, and then pluck them, throw them straight in the bin.

• 37:38Speaker 00

  This is your dream starter. And you're already going.

• 37:41Speaker 02

  The chef will be doing this for me.

• 37:43Speaker 00

  That's the cooking. Sorry, I forgot that's part of the cooking.

• 37:46Speaker 01

  So they're flipping the carrots into the sink and then scraping them out from under the plug hole and putting them in the bin.

• 37:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. And then you go, well, that should be ready now.

• 37:53Speaker 00

  Yeah, straight in your oxtail.

• 37:54Speaker 02

  Get that in the microwave, three minutes.

• 37:57Speaker 00

  So this is what you want? You want the tinned oxtail soup that you like? You want the chef to flip the carrots out into the sink?

• 38:03Speaker 02

  Yes, please.

• 38:03Speaker 00

  And then you want it three minutes in the microwave?

• 38:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, don't get high, because they have bits of tomato in it.

• 38:08Speaker 00

  Right, and you don't want that. Do you just want, is it almost like a clear soup, basically?

• 38:11Speaker 02

  But the little bits, little chunks of oxtail.

• 38:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:14Speaker 02

  They're a nice little surprise.

• 38:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:16Speaker 01

  You like those?

• 38:17Speaker 00

  They're not a surprise.

• 38:21Speaker 01

  You've got many, many surprises for yourself.

• 38:24Speaker 00

  So fucking hell, there's a bit of oxtail in this oxtail soup. Whoa.

• 38:28Speaker 02

  Never know, do you? Let your yard down for a second.

• 38:32Speaker 02

  He gets the mox tail, he gets the mox tail.

• 38:34Speaker 00

  Is there a danger when you're flicking the carrot out that you accidentally flick a bit of mox tail into the sink? And in that situation, what do you do?

• 38:39Speaker 02

  Well, before you start, you wanna clean that sink, so that if you do lose any mox tail, you feel confident enough that it's clean, you can pop that back in the sink.

• 38:49Speaker 01

  So you do that. You do pre-clean your sink in case you accidentally flick some mox tail into it when you're flicking out the carrots.

• 38:54Speaker 00

  Do you believe that he pre cleans the sink?

• 38:56Speaker 01

  Nope.

• 38:57Speaker 02

  Well, it's a sink, the sink is clean anyway, isn't it?

• 39:01Speaker 00

  So, okay, we've immediately, yeah, you're not cleaning it anyway.

• 39:05Speaker 02

  I've not been putting stuff in there to dirt. I put stuff in there that's dirty and when it comes out, it's clean.

• 39:09Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 39:10Speaker 02

  So I assume the area around.

• 39:11Speaker 01

  The sink is clean, is what you're saying?

• 39:13Speaker 00

  But where does the dirt, where does the dirt go from the thing that you're cleaning in the sink?

• 39:17Speaker 02

  Down, it's that, I mean.

• 39:19Speaker 00

  All goes down, straight down.

• 39:20Speaker 02

  Down the plug hole and out, out into the sea, where it belongs.

• 39:24Speaker 01

  What if, uh, what if I just got like a tin of mox tail soup?

• 39:29Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 39:29Speaker 01

  And I just poured it down a flushed toilet?

• 39:35Speaker 01

  Are you gonna be licking that off the sides of the bowl?

• 39:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, with a bit of mox tail in there.

• 39:39Speaker 02

  But I'm not using soap in the toilet. There's soap in the sink when you're cleaning your dishes.

• 39:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:45Speaker 02

  Plus, I'm not shitting in the sink, by the way.

• 39:48Speaker 00

  By the way, the only guest who's ever had to say that.

• 39:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, also, also, I don't fully believe you, that you've never done that.

• 39:56Speaker 02

  Why have you got that chopstick next to the sink then, Phil?

• 39:59Speaker 00

  It's our first mox tail soup on the pod, I think.

• 40:02Speaker 01

  It might be.

• 40:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, certainly tinned with all the carrots strained out.

• 40:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 40:07Speaker 02

  Oh, I feel quite.

• 40:09Speaker 01

  What is the make of the soup that you use? Because you say no Heinz, but like.

• 40:13Speaker 02

  I have an Aldi's own.

• 40:14Speaker 01

  Aldi's own, yeah.

• 40:15Speaker 02

  Which hasn't been in stock as much recently. I don't know if that's a Brexit thing.

• 40:19Speaker 01

  Okay, could be.

• 40:21Speaker 00

  Aldi's own, not Aldi's own. It's not like Burger Zone.

• 40:25Speaker 02

  No, it's not, not Aldi's own. Yeah, yeah.

• 40:28Speaker 00

  Oh, Timothy Spall picked Oxtail Stew with chicken schal- schallic. So like a kebab with it, which must have been his main, right? But yeah, that's a different, that's a different thing to Aldi's own Oxtail Soup, I think.

• 40:40Speaker 02

  And he took my part from Harry Potter. I was meant to play that mouse character.

• 40:43Speaker 01

  The rat?

• 40:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, rat, yeah.

• 40:45Speaker 00

  That's why I didn't get it. Yeah, beginning to see why he didn't get it.

• 40:48Speaker 01

  That wasn't, but yeah. There's a TV series being made now, Phil, and I'm, I'm pretty sure no one's really queuing up for it. So if you wanna, if you wanna play that role, it's always, okay, setting fire to your new fanbase, the, the, the, the Chief and Taskmaster.

• 41:02Speaker 00

  Straight into the audition room. It's a mouse, is it?

• 41:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, but yeah, do you know what, mate? Fine. Just, the part's yours. Uh, I'd, I'd, I'd mute your mentions if I was you.

• 41:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm not the one, I'm not saying you can separate the art from the artist.

• 41:19Speaker 00

  Straight out of the camera.

• 41:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, straight, straight in the compilation.

• 41:22Speaker 02

  Oh, so, yeah, but I don't think an Oxtail Stew's the same as soup.

• 41:25Speaker 00

  No, it's not. No, no, no, no. Stew and soup are two very different characters.

• 41:27Speaker 02

  Plus, what else do you have in it? Kimchi?

• 41:31Speaker 00

  Chicken.

• 41:31Speaker 02

  That's something I've heard of.

• 41:32Speaker 01

  Chicken, alright. Chicken, yeah, not kimchi, mate.

• 41:36Speaker 00

  Do you wanna guess what kimchi is?

• 41:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:38Speaker 02

  A fruit.

• 41:38Speaker 00

  Yep.

• 41:40Speaker 02

  I'm back.

• 41:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I've got, and I've got a BAFTA's ball. Has he got a BAFTA?

• 41:48Speaker 00

  Almost certainly got a BAFTA.

• 41:50Speaker 01

  Probably, or, or doesn't give a shit about the BAFTAs. So it's one, one, one of the two?

• 41:55Speaker 00

  You've not won that, I don't think.

• 41:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. He's great. He's in my favourite, one of my favourite Mike Lee films, All or Nothing.

• 41:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:00Speaker 02

  Lovely, good actor.

• 42:01Speaker 01

  What'd you get a BAFTA for?

• 42:03Speaker 02

  Me?

• 42:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 42:03Speaker 02

  What, have I got a BAFTA for?

• 42:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, I didn't know you had a BAFTA.

• 42:06Speaker 02

  No, I haven't.

• 42:08Speaker 02

  No, I said, he's got a BAFTA. Did I?

• 42:11Speaker 00

  No, you said, you said, and I've got a BAFTA's ball.

• 42:14Speaker 02

  Oh, did I?

• 42:14Speaker 00

  It was very clear, you're very clear. You said, and I've got a BAFTA's ball.

• 42:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, we're, we're, yeah, we're all, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I got caught up in that. I think I, for a moment, I believed that.

• 42:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, I thought, I didn't know Phil had won a BAFTA.

• 42:25Speaker 02

  I thought James, you did, that you didn't go, oh, what was that, what was that for? It was just like, what have you got one for?

• 42:31Speaker 01

  I didn't know, yeah, yeah.

• 42:32Speaker 02

  Almost anger.

• 42:33Speaker 01

  But he didn't, he believed it.

• 42:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:35Speaker 01

  I wasn't angry.

• 42:36Speaker 02

  No, not angry, but just confused.

• 42:38Speaker 01

  I was happy for you, but like, I was like, I was like, Phil's gonna expect me to know what, what everyone's won.

• 42:43Speaker 00

  I've got a BAFTA.

• 42:44Speaker 01

  Yes, Ed's got a BAFTA because he won Taskmaster Series Seven and then I won a BAFTA.

• 42:47Speaker 00

  No, I knew we were in seven.

• 42:48Speaker 01

  Sorry, that was me.

• 42:51Speaker 01

  We're all misspeaking.

• 42:52Speaker 00

  We're all misspeaking.

• 42:53Speaker 01

  Can we agree that we're all misspeaking?

• 42:54Speaker 02

  I might be a BAFTA winner soon as well.

• 42:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, you might be.

• 42:57Speaker 00

  How hot are you making this oxtail soup? Do you want it piping?

• 43:01Speaker 02

  I don't want to be waiting for it. I want it, microwave two and a half minutes, mate. Get them carrots out. What did I say about the carrots? Take it back. Take it back. Open a new tin, I don't want that one. You're just spitting it. And carrot, two and a half minutes.

• 43:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 43:16Speaker 02

  Good to go. Don't need the spoon.

• 43:17Speaker 00

  I love that you're the dream restaurant. You could, you know, have someone make an oxtail soup from scratch, you know, without any carrots in it anyway. Um, you know, you could create this whole thing for yourself, but you just want, and I respect this, you want what you know, which is the LD's own oxtail soup with the carrots scooped out from the microwave two and a half minutes.

• 43:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I like to think this dream restaurant is, I'm like, they're just, it's my house.

• 43:41Speaker 00

  It's your house.

• 43:42Speaker 02

  And the chef's just in my kitchen.

• 43:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 43:44Speaker 02

  So he's quite limited with what he's got, to be honest. Unless he brings his own stuff.

• 43:47Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 43:47Speaker 02

  Plus that microwave, it stops at 30 seconds. You have to take it, so we're always.

• 43:52Speaker 00

  He's putting it on five times.

• 43:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. We just always add 30 seconds on to what you want to do, really. And it'll stop itself at 30.

• 44:06Speaker 01

  Your dream main course is? Let me rustle this.

• 44:11Speaker 02

  Here we go.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  Let me get out this sack.

• 44:13Speaker 00

  This is going to be quite involved, this, because Phil's going through his notes.

• 44:17Speaker 01

  Egg, no.

• 44:21Speaker 02

  Uh, I've got a funny egg story, actually. Um, no, I've got time.

• 44:25Speaker 00

  We do.

• 44:26Speaker 02

  I've got time. But I was going to put lamb, but I thought that was boring. So now I was going to put pheasant, because I went through a phase of really enjoying stuff you could eat that you could find on the road.

• 44:37Speaker 00

  Oh, my God.

• 44:38Speaker 02

  But I wasn't finding it on the road. I was just like, I'd go, oh, if I was like a roadkill guy, I had a pheasant, rabbit, and maybe a guinea fowl. So I tried all them, didn't like one. I couldn't eat the rabbit either, to be honest. I felt too bad.

• 44:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:52Speaker 02

  I cooked it, though. Threw it in the bin.

• 44:54Speaker 01

  It's worse.

• 44:55Speaker 00

  So much worse. So you liked the idea of eating roadkill? Or animals that would have been run over on a road?

• 45:05Speaker 02

  It just like, I like that, isn't there a law that if you've not run it over, but you're the car behind, you can then crack on?

• 45:12Speaker 00

  Don't, don't think.

• 45:13Speaker 02

  I think there is.

• 45:14Speaker 00

  You have to be the car behind.

• 45:16Speaker 02

  I don't think, cause otherwise it could be like.

• 45:19Speaker 00

  I'm two cars behind, I'm starving.

• 45:22Speaker 02

  The car behind is yours. You just can't be.

• 45:25Speaker 00

  You can't hit it.

• 45:26Speaker 02

  The car that hit it, otherwise it's like, you could have done it with intent.

• 45:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:30Speaker 02

  Like, you could have gone after pheasants, haven't you?

• 45:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 45:32Speaker 02

  Starving. And then, yeah.

• 45:34Speaker 00

  So you have to have found it.

• 45:36Speaker 02

  Yeah. And then, and a friend of mine lived up in the, in the Peak District, and he was starting to do that. He was telling me about it. He said, I found a pheasant the other day, it was fresh.

• 45:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:45Speaker 02

  And so I just took it home and we ate it. But then he told me this horrific story where he found a, I think he made a bit of a mistake with this one. He found a dead sheep.

• 45:54Speaker 02

  And I don't think this is legal, I think he meant to leave a dead sheep.

• 45:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:58Speaker 02

  Because they're marked.

• 45:58Speaker 00

  Even if you're the car behind.

• 45:59Speaker 02

  Yeah. And we popped it in his boot, but it was on his way to a gig.

• 46:03Speaker 00

  Oh my god.

• 46:04Speaker 02

  This story is horrific. Drove it into Manchester.

• 46:09Speaker 02

  The gig overran, it was quite a hot day, kind of forgot about this sheep in the back of his car. And he got to the car and he was like, he got in and he couldn't breathe, it was stank that much. Cause obviously the sheep had started to release in the boot.

• 46:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:22Speaker 02

  And it was so bad, he had to take the sheep out and he just left it in a car, a multi-stick car park in the middle of Manchester.

• 46:28Speaker 00

  So, was this you, Phil?

• 46:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:31Speaker 00

  Phil, this is you. He was at a gig. Yeah. The gig overran. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like. He put the sheep, he put the sheep next to the raw breakfast. Yeah, this sounds like it's you, Phil.

• 46:41Speaker 02

  But it's the pain display.

• 46:43Speaker 00

  I went to, when I was at university, there was someone who got drunk one night and like blackout drunk. And then woke up the next day and sort of put two and two together, that on the way home, he'd killed a pigeon and cooked it when he got home.

• 46:57Speaker 02

  What?

• 46:58Speaker 00

  That's mad, isn't it?

• 47:00Speaker 02

  That he'd killed a pi- well, he'd intentionally.

• 47:02Speaker 00

  On the way home, caught a pigeon, killed it.

• 47:05Speaker 02

  What?

• 47:06Speaker 00

  And then got home and cooked it. He was really ill. And then he did, he did it again two weeks later.

• 47:12Speaker 02

  What the hell was going on?

• 47:14Speaker 01

  Is he like defeffering it and everything?

• 47:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, I guess so.

• 47:17Speaker 01

  He's doing all the stuff.

• 47:19Speaker 00

  I just heard about this guy.

• 47:20Speaker 02

  But not cooking it thoroughly.

• 47:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, not cooking it thoroughly enough.

• 47:22Speaker 02

  Just a normal pigeon.

• 47:22Speaker 00

  But also it's just like a street pigeon.

• 47:24Speaker 02

  A street pigeon?

• 47:26Speaker 00

  Not, you know, this is not, he's not on a farm.

• 47:28Speaker 02

  The sheep story seems

• 47:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:30Speaker 02

  So tame now, isn't it?

• 47:31Speaker 01

  Both of those, both of those are awful.

• 47:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, both of those are awful.

• 47:34Speaker 02

  Yeah. He could, where was this? In London?

• 47:37Speaker 00

  Durham.

• 47:38Speaker 02

  Oh Durham, that's a different, different flock, flock of pigeons over there.

• 47:42Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. So what are you choosing?

• 47:44Speaker 02

  Well, sorry, um, a tomahawk steak.

• 47:47Speaker 01

  Lovely.

• 47:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, because I had one once and it was so well cooked and everything that I got really emotional. I'm getting emotional thinking about it.

• 47:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 47:55Speaker 02

  And it was really nice. Nothing with it.

• 47:59Speaker 01

  Absolutely nothing with it.

• 48:00Speaker 02

  Nothing with it.

• 48:00Speaker 00

  Whereabouts did you have this tomahawk steak?

• 48:02Speaker 01

  What district?

• 48:05Speaker 02

  In, in Italy.

• 48:07Speaker 01

  Lovely.

• 48:08Speaker 02

  I bet you didn't think I'd been there.

• 48:09Speaker 01

  No, no.

• 48:10Speaker 02

  Won't lie to you, won a holiday.

• 48:15Speaker 00

  You won a holiday to Italy?

• 48:16Speaker 02

  Mm-hmm.

• 48:17Speaker 00

  How, where did you win the holiday?

• 48:19Speaker 02

  Uh, I was in, um, I was in my mum and dad's living room at the time.

• 48:23Speaker 00

  Okay. And what competition was it, Phil?

• 48:26Speaker 02

  We're in a trip to Italy.

• 48:28Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 48:30Speaker 02

  Well, it was online, I just sort of entered.

• 48:32Speaker 00

  All the information we actually need, you refuse to give us.

• 48:35Speaker 02

  No, I, I, I entered it online.

• 48:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:38Speaker 02

  Not thinking about it really.

• 48:39Speaker 01

  Was it like a little advert, like on the side of you on a, you're on like?

• 48:42Speaker 02

  Just popped up on like a little post.

• 48:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:44Speaker 02

  And I was like, I've never been to Italy.

• 48:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:47Speaker 02

  Love a tomahawk steak, famous for the, as we know, it's very famous.

• 48:50Speaker 00

  It didn't mention the tomahawk steak on the competition, did it?

• 48:53Speaker 02

  No, it didn't, no. But, but to be honest, I was there and I wanted to really sample the delicacies. I tried, um, a lasagna on the first day, but they do it all backwards. Like, there's not cheese on top, there was tomato on top and I just went, this is, I'm out. And so I just had steak every night.

• 49:07Speaker 01

  So how, how, how long was the holiday that you won?

• 49:10Speaker 02

  Five nights.

• 49:11Speaker 01

  So you've won five nights in Italy and whereabouts in Italy was it?

• 49:14Speaker 02

  Lake Garda.

• 49:16Speaker 00

  Another lake.

• 49:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, of course.

• 49:19Speaker 01

  In a hotel.

• 49:20Speaker 02

  Do you have any batons?

• 49:22Speaker 01

  This is in a hotel.

• 49:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, kind of like a hotel, one can I sort of sha- a sha- shalae. I call them shalae.

• 49:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:29Speaker 02

  But we call them.

• 49:30Speaker 01

  So you'd won, I guess, I'm presuming the flights are paid for.

• 49:35Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 49:36Speaker 01

  The accommodation.

• 49:37Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 49:37Speaker 01

  Is that it?

• 49:38Speaker 02

  Breakfast.

• 49:39Speaker 01

  Lovely.

• 49:40Speaker 00

  Breakfast comes in.

• 49:41Speaker 02

  But if you want to eat again, you know, pay for it or wait till breakfast.

• 49:44Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, so breakfast every morning, but nothing.

• 49:47Speaker 02

  Or do what I do, steal as many sausages as you can, get them in your pockets.

• 49:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 49:52Speaker 02

  You'll eat like a king all day.

• 49:53Speaker 01

  Yeah. That's, do you do that? If you have a buffet breakfast, are you taking lunch as well?

• 49:57Speaker 02

  I used to, like, when I was really skit gigging, I remember I was like, I had no money at all. I was in Cardiff doing the glee. And they had the breakfast and I made, like, I would make my little rolls for dinner. And I said, there was these other acts when I was doing it in Newcastle, the same thing. And I went to one of the acts who was doing a different, like, I think they're doing Jongleurs or something in Newcastle. I went, eh, just a little tip. And what I do is I make a little sandwich for dinner. And one of them, I took a full English breakfast, like towering on the plate. And they went, yeah, what do you think this is? And he just walked and I'm trying to hide like an apple in my, my sleeve and that. And he just walked past reception with a full English breakfast, grabbed a free paper and got in the lift, went to his room.

• 50:35Speaker 01

  He just had that waiting till dinner.

• 50:37Speaker 00

  Oh God, what is it? These old breakfasts we're talking about. Horrible. You know what my wife's done in the past, when she's been in a cold country, is take two, um, fresh boiled eggs, put them in her gloves for the day to keep her hands warm and then eats it for lunch.

• 50:52Speaker 02

  How long do they retain the heat?

• 50:54Speaker 00

  But like, long enough to keep you warm, I think, for the morning. Yeah. And then, uh.

• 50:58Speaker 01

  Hope he doesn't have to clap anything during.

• 51:01Speaker 02

  We'll go and watch Phil Ellis live. The eggs will be fine.

• 51:06Speaker 00

  That's a good, that's a good way of getting people into your tour, actually.

• 51:09Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:09Speaker 00

  If you've got boiled eggs in your gloves, you'll be all right.

• 51:11Speaker 02

  If you leave with them uncracked, you get your money back.

• 51:15Speaker 00

  This Tomahawk steak sounds wonderful, though.

• 51:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:18Speaker 00

  How's it, how's it cooked? To what's?

• 51:19Speaker 02

  Medium rare.

• 51:20Speaker 00

  Medium rare, lovely.

• 51:21Speaker 02

  Medium rare, but more towards the rare. I quite like a slightly rare, you know, but when you say medium rare, a proper chef who knows what they do, they make it quite bloody anyway, won't they? But, so.

• 51:31Speaker 01

  And is there a nice, like, seasoning on the outside? Is there a crust to it?

• 51:35Speaker 02

  I like a very salty steak.

• 51:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:38Speaker 02

  But not, I don't want the bloke coming out and pouring it down his arm.

• 51:43Speaker 02

  If you see that online with that guy, people were paying.

• 51:47Speaker 01

  He's talking about Salt Bay. How quickly you forget, James. You not remember Salt Bay?

• 51:52Speaker 02

  The guy comes out, he's got like a black glove on, like, in Hostel.

• 51:55Speaker 01

  The Turkish guy.

• 51:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, and he'll come out and he'll go, hey, look at this nice steak. And he goes, hmm, and he pours salt down his arm and it goes through all the hair, all the hair, onto your steak.

• 52:05Speaker 00

  Oh, I have seen the salt. I've seen it. No. I know you're not on social media, but you must have, you must know Salt Bay.

• 52:11Speaker 01

  I don't think.

• 52:11Speaker 00

  It's a few years ago.

• 52:12Speaker 01

  I've seen a video of Gemma Collins going to a steak place where they make a steak that's got gold all over it.

• 52:20Speaker 00

  That's that guy's place, because off the back of his viral fame, doing that with the dropping all the salt through his hair.

• 52:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:26Speaker 00

  He opened like loads of restaurants and they did well for a bit because he'd go to all of them on opening night and do that. And like David Beckham's there and he's loving Salt Bay and all of this. But then obviously just stopped going to them. And there's like, there's one in London that no one ever goes in because it's like 800 quid for a steak covered in gold leaf.

• 52:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:44Speaker 00

  It's awful.

• 52:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, Gemma Collins had it. She was so excited about it. Someone showed it to me like, look at this, it's pathetic.

• 52:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:52Speaker 01

  And it was like, and he's coming over, Salt Bay or whatever his name is.

• 52:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:55Speaker 01

  And doing the whole thing. And she's like losing her mind and drinking like, you know, loads of champagne and being like, she's looking down the camera like you would.

• 53:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:06Speaker 01

  And being like, here we go, baby. Yes, is it? And it's like, he's cutting up the steak and you're like, that is.

• 53:11Speaker 00

  It's just so bleak.

• 53:12Speaker 01

  We all know you can't taste gold.

• 53:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 53:14Speaker 01

  So like, whatever you're doing, we all, like, no matter who is watching this knows it's stupid. No one, no one is watching this thing and it's cool.

• 53:21Speaker 00

  Yeah. Gold leaf thing, it's just like the gross sort of de-biification of everything where it's like, look, look at how well I'm doing. I'm eating a gold steak for no reason.

• 53:29Speaker 02

  It's horrible, isn't it?

• 53:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:30Speaker 02

  All of them. Me sat there chewing on an earring. When's his oxtail soup getting here?

• 53:37Speaker 00

  No, we won't, we won't bring it. And that saltbake guy as well, he got in loads of trouble because he was there at like the World Cup final once when Argentina won. And he kept like, he's like walking into their shop where they're holding the World Cup and stuff, like standing next to them being like, yeah, we did it together. Like trying to get in a photo with Messi and stuff.

• 53:53Speaker 02

  Salt into the cup.

• 53:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 53:56Speaker 00

  Putting more gold on the World Cup.

• 53:59Speaker 02

  Jeff Collins goes.

• 54:02Speaker 02

  Don't we assume he's got a clean elbow?

• 54:05Speaker 00

  You've got to assume he's got a clean elbow.

• 54:06Speaker 02

  If I was in a restaurant, I'd just go to my arsecrack, right, ready for salt? Yeah, I mean, that is different.

• 54:13Speaker 00

  No, I think.

• 54:14Speaker 02

  Phil, tell me you see the difference.

• 54:17Speaker 00

  The problem is, yeah, Phil doesn't know his arse from his elbow.

• 54:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, brilliant, excellent work.

• 54:22Speaker 00

  Come on. I think now, you know, now you've done Taskmaster and you found fame, I think you could do a restaurant pop-up where you sprinkled salt through your, through your arsecrack onto people's steak, into their oxtail soup.

• 54:33Speaker 02

  While they go crazy for it.

• 54:42Speaker 01

  Your dream side dish. Now, you've said that you want this steak on its own, so this is a bit of a conundrum.

• 54:48Speaker 02

  Well, on its own, because I sometimes get too caught up with all the other bits.

• 54:51Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 54:52Speaker 02

  And I'm like, I just want to enjoy this massive tomahawk. Like it takes up the whole plate.

• 54:55Speaker 00

  We know you don't want any sauce with it, certainly.

• 54:57Speaker 02

  Oh, although sometimes I'll have a peppercorn sauce and I'll dip it, I'll dip it in.

• 55:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:02Speaker 02

  You stay in your little tub. I'll come to you.

• 55:04Speaker 01

  That's the beginner's steak sauce.

• 55:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 55:07Speaker 02

  Right. What else would you have?

• 55:09Speaker 01

  Well, that's just the first, yeah, the, the first sauce you try with a steak is a peppercorn sauce.

• 55:13Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 55:14Speaker 01

  And you're like, okay, fine.

• 55:15Speaker 02

  Well, I don't know what other sauces you could possibly have.

• 55:17Speaker 00

  Jimmy Cheery?

• 55:19Speaker 02

  I'm going to avoid a joke about that being someone.

• 55:23Speaker 02

  Great, great prop comic. Jimmy Cheery's on next.

• 55:27Speaker 00

  That's a good name for a prop comic, isn't it? Jimmy Cheery.

• 55:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm a toaster.

• 55:33Speaker 00

  Hang on. This prop comic is saying I'm a toaster.

• 55:36Speaker 02

  He's got a bit of bread on his head.

• 55:39Speaker 01

  Whoa, okay.

• 55:40Speaker 02

  This is opening bit.

• 55:41Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, Bernays?

• 55:45Speaker 02

  Uh, all right, Bern, yeah.

• 55:46Speaker 01

  Is that another, another character? Weekend at Bernays?

• 55:50Speaker 01

  You're showing that, that character?

• 55:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:54Speaker 02

  But I, yeah, peppercorn's like a solid choice, but I'm kind of with you. I wouldn't really, I don't really have sauces with steak. Cause if it's good steak and it's, it's got a lot of fat in it anyway, and it's like delicious and you just wanna taste the beef.

• 56:06Speaker 01

  Maybe sometimes when they bring like butter, like butter along.

• 56:09Speaker 02

  Hmm, yeah.

• 56:10Speaker 01

  Like, you know, if it's garlic butter or bone marrow butter sometimes, they bring it over. And I, I find it quite hard to resist just like running the steak through that.

• 56:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:20Speaker 01

  You know, getting a nice bit of steak in there.

• 56:22Speaker 02

  I'm with you on that. They can put it.

• 56:24Speaker 01

  Wouldn't it?

• 56:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, go on, Ben.

• 56:25Speaker 01

  I had a nice.

• 56:25Speaker 02

  Twist it up. I had a nice blue cheese hollandaise at Hawkesmore the other day with a steak. Oh, I like Hawkesmore.

• 56:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, I go there in Manchester.

• 56:33Speaker 01

  You went there on your own, didn't you?

• 56:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, I went to Hawkesmore on my own. It was lovely. I had a 600 gram ribeye. Oh yeah, that's a big boy, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. They were like, you sure you want that? I was like, yeah. Finish it? Yeah, yeah. I felt so sick.

• 56:45Speaker 01

  Ed texted me saying he was there and he was gonna do it. And like, you know, Ed and I will often have like, you know, kind of an ongoing text exchange during a meal if the other person's like excited about it. But there was something about, Ed texts me saying I'm at Hawkesmore on my own and I couldn't be happier. I've made such a great decision. This is gonna be great. And I just was like, you know what? I think Ed would like to be left alone during this. I, I picked up on the thing that like Ed has texted me because of out of, out of habit.

• 57:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:14Speaker 01

  But I think Ed is in his head is like going, why have I done that?

• 57:17Speaker 02

  No, I didn't think that, but you.

• 57:18Speaker 01

  I'm here on my own.

• 57:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 57:20Speaker 01

  Now I'm gonna get texts from this guy. So I just left him to it.

• 57:23Speaker 02

  That's nice.

• 57:24Speaker 01

  And I knew I'll probably hear about it on the pod and here we are.

• 57:26Speaker 02

  Yeah. And was it, did you take your time with it? Oh yeah, of course. You have to at 600 grams. You can't be racing through that. But I've always like, I always think like I, I see the steak and it's not quite big enough that. And I always want to try a proper big. That's why I don't want the other bits getting in the way. I just want that big slab of meat.

• 57:43Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:44Speaker 02

  But that sounds amazing.

• 57:46Speaker 01

  How many grams is, how many grams is the tomahawk?

• 57:48Speaker 02

  I don't know, but you've got to take the bone into account.

• 57:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, you can get big ones, like over a kilo really. I think for your dream meal, we should get you like a 1.2 kilo.

• 57:56Speaker 02

  My mouth watered a bit then. It was really sad. I felt really pathetic.

• 58:00Speaker 01

  Are you chewing the bone?

• 58:01Speaker 02

  I do. I like the bone. Yeah. I like a meat bone. Sometimes I've had friends and family will, will save a bone for me. I was at a family barbecue not of, not of late and they went, don't worry. And they gave the lamb bone to one of the cousin's dogs. And then they even looked at me as they did it and they went, sorry Phil.

• 58:24Speaker 02

  And this dog didn't appreciate that lamb bone.

• 58:27Speaker 01

  I bet it did.

• 58:27Speaker 02

  Well, it did.

• 58:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, but it loved it. Famously, they famously love that.

• 58:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:33Speaker 02

  Watching The Simpsons eating that.

• 58:35Speaker 00

  So I love that. So when you initially said, sometimes they save the bone for me.

• 58:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:40Speaker 00

  It's when you're there, right? Because in my head, you're not there and they're going, save that for Phil.

• 58:44Speaker 01

  Save that for Phil. Bury it in the garden.

• 58:48Speaker 00

  Save that for our Phil.

• 58:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 58:50Speaker 02

  He loves it.

• 58:50Speaker 00

  Phil's man knocking. You won't go through the letterbox, all that'll be a bone.

• 58:55Speaker 01

  Must have been gutted when your friend threw that sheep away. The whole skeleton there for you.

• 59:01Speaker 00

  I would have had that, would have nodded on that.

• 59:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, watching The Simpsons. So many bones. Oh, don't put Nana down there.

• 59:08Speaker 02

  Full of bones. That's all she was by the end.

• 59:11Speaker 01

  That's horrible. Yeah, pretty horrible.

• 59:14Speaker 00

  The Simpsons tune on your Nana's hip bone.

• 59:17Speaker 01

  Always The Simpsons.

• 59:18Speaker 00

  Always The Simpsons.

• 59:19Speaker 01

  Um, what was your dream side though?

• 59:21Speaker 02

  Oh, it has to go with the state, doesn't it, really?

• 59:23Speaker 00

  Doesn't have to. It's gonna be whatever you want.

• 59:24Speaker 02

  Can you get, is a poached egg a sign?

• 59:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:28Speaker 02

  You have it on the side.

• 59:29Speaker 01

  I'll count that as a sign.

• 59:30Speaker 02

  Have a nice poached egg, please.

• 59:31Speaker 01

  A poached egg.

• 59:32Speaker 02

  Dab it with a bit of kitchen.

• 59:33Speaker 00

  Second egg of the meal.

• 59:35Speaker 02

  A bit of kitchen towel before you pop it on the toast, so it's not too wet.

• 59:38Speaker 00

  So you've got toast as well on the side?

• 59:40Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, sorry.

• 59:40Speaker 00

  Poached egg on toast. It's not just a single po.

• 59:43Speaker 01

  Well, that is what we thought you'd say.

• 59:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:46Speaker 02

  Sorry, poached egg.

• 59:47Speaker 01

  Maybe you wanna consider how we reacted to it.

• 59:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 59:50Speaker 01

  And go, what does that say about me?

• 59:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:52Speaker 01

  That they, they thought it was funny, but they didn't think it was out of the question.

• 59:55Speaker 02

  Well, I had a friend once, like, we were on a night out and he went, and we were going home afterwards and I went, oh, I might go, I might go and get a kebab on the way home. And he went, he went, and I still, he goes, oh, I'm all right. I fried three eggs before I came out.

• 1:00:09Speaker 00

  The, the world you live in is so gross, Phil. The people you know are so gross.

• 1:00:15Speaker 02

  But I just left it at that. But I went home like, what does he, why would you, why would you fry three eggs and then leave the house?

• 1:00:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00:23Speaker 02

  You gotta have those later.

• 1:00:24Speaker 00

  Just surely do them fresh when you're in, right?

• 1:00:26Speaker 02

  Yeah. They're not that long to do, are they?

• 1:00:28Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:00:29Speaker 02

  And they're not.

• 1:00:29Speaker 01

  They're nicer hot.

• 1:00:30Speaker 02

  Yeah. And they're not long enough that you'll be going, oh, I'll probably be able to do this before I have to go and meet Phil. All right, I'll have them later. Does he have them cold?

• 1:00:40Speaker 00

  Must have.

• 1:00:41Speaker 01

  Yes, has to have them cold. He can't warm them.

• 1:00:42Speaker 00

  You can't warm them back up again, can you?

• 1:00:44Speaker 02

  You can't, can you? I don't think you can reheat them.

• 1:00:46Speaker 01

  No, he's eating three cold eggs.

• 1:00:48Speaker 02

  Three cold fried eggs out there. Probably still in the pan, I would imagine, when he left.

• 1:00:51Speaker 01

  Maybe he fried six eggs before leaving the house, got through three of them, went on full up. I can't, I can't do it.

• 1:00:57Speaker 00

  I'll have to finish these later.

• 1:00:58Speaker 01

  I can't do it. So I'm gonna have to put, put some cling film over these and put them in the fridge.

• 1:01:02Speaker 02

  I'll put one in my pocket.

• 1:01:03Speaker 01

  Maybe later I'll, maybe later I'll have them put in.

• 1:01:06Speaker 00

  Put one in the boot.

• 1:01:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, obviously. Frisbee one into the boot. Driving to town to see Phil.

• 1:01:13Speaker 00

  So you got poached egg, one poached egg on toast as your side dish with the steak?

• 1:01:17Speaker 02

  Yes, please, thank you. A little bit of salt and pepper.

• 1:01:20Speaker 00

  Lovely. No sauce is needed.

• 1:01:22Speaker 02

  No sauce is needed, but the egg is a sauce.

• 1:01:23Speaker 00

  The egg's a sauce.

• 1:01:24Speaker 01

  Yes, his own sauce.

• 1:01:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:26Speaker 01

  Yeah. What, what kind of bread are we talking?

• 1:01:28Speaker 02

  Just white, um, toasty bread.

• 1:01:31Speaker 01

  White toasty, yeah.

• 1:01:33Speaker 00

  Do you have a preferred brand?

• 1:01:34Speaker 02

  Aldi again, please.

• 1:01:36Speaker 00

  Aldi's own.

• 1:01:36Speaker 01

  Straight to Aldi.

• 1:01:37Speaker 02

  And who does a voiceover for Aldi?

• 1:01:39Speaker 00

  I don't know, actually.

• 1:01:40Speaker 01

  Jim Broadbent these days, is it?

• 1:01:41Speaker 02

  Is it?

• 1:01:42Speaker 01

  Or is he Little?

• 1:01:43Speaker 02

  Spald, Broadbent?

• 1:01:45Speaker 00

  Maybe Adam does Asda.

• 1:01:47Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:01:47Speaker 01

  Congrats, Congrats.

• 1:01:48Speaker 02

  I'd like Morrisons.

• 1:01:49Speaker 00

  You'd like Morrisons, that'd be your...

• 1:01:51Speaker 02

  I've worked a jingle out for Morrisons.

• 1:01:53Speaker 00

  Let's hear it.

• 1:01:54Speaker 02

  So it's Christmas time, I think you do like an Oliver thing.

• 1:01:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:57Speaker 02

  And someone goes, "God, you get so much more." And then someone goes, "More? More?" And then they go, "Morrisons, Morrisons, never before has a store offered more."

• 1:02:09Speaker 00

  You're really gonna have to watch this one, everyone, because obviously that ended with Phil looking right, and he's still, he's looking down the camera at the end of the song.

• 1:02:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:15Speaker 00

  Then all the time it took me to say that, I looked back and realised Phil had been looking down the camera for the whole time.

• 1:02:19Speaker 01

  The whole time. Really rushed it at the end.

• 1:02:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, sorry. You just wanted to be out of the song.

• 1:02:26Speaker 02

  But the advert's like, all the carrots dancing down the aisle and...

• 1:02:29Speaker 00

  Chasing down the aisle?

• 1:02:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, it's cut it, not really.

• 1:02:32Speaker 01

  So they're in, "Morrisons dancing on Morrisons."

• 1:02:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, and then like coming down, "Morrisons, Morrisons, never before has a store offered more." Not, yeah.

• 1:02:41Speaker 00

  That's good.

• 1:02:42Speaker 01

  Copyright.

• 1:02:43Speaker 00

  Yeah. Can I copyright that song?

• 1:02:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't think you need to.

• 1:02:47Speaker 02

  You can if you want.

• 1:02:50Speaker 00

  Is Morrison's your favourite supermarket? Or is it, no, it must be Aldi, of course it's Aldi.

• 1:02:53Speaker 02

  It's Aldi.

• 1:02:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:54Speaker 01

  What's the best thing from Aldi?

• 1:02:56Speaker 02

  Uh, the, uh, hand-cooked, uh, uh, the, uh, salt and chardonnay vinegar crisps. But, little tip for you, look on the back, pick the right chef. Because Dilip doesn't put enough salt and vinegar on it, but Somnath and Deepak do. There's your tip.

• 1:03:16Speaker 00

  Why the chefs listed on the back?

• 1:03:18Speaker 02

  I have no idea, but they are, and they, they do vary in, in extremities of like, if you want a really intense hit, Somnath or Deepak.

• 1:03:26Speaker 00

  But I'm assuming they're just all made in the same factory though, and these, these men are just invented.

• 1:03:31Speaker 02

  I wonder if they're like, the names of the machines in like the, with the lottery.

• 1:03:37Speaker 02

  Somnath, oh, number 22, not seen that one for a while.

• 1:03:41Speaker 00

  And we'll be drawing from Deepak today.

• 1:03:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's it, yeah, it might be that. But no, it's.

• 1:03:46Speaker 01

  Well, there's free chefs who are making all the crisps.

• 1:03:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think so. There's four, I think there's a fourth one, I can't remember.

• 1:03:52Speaker 00

  But you're not interested in that guy?

• 1:03:53Speaker 02

  No, no.

• 1:03:54Speaker 01

  You're two favourites, one who you absolutely hate. I don't know who you'd ever go.

• 1:03:58Speaker 02

  I mean, if I'm desperate, I'll have a Dilip.

• 1:04:01Speaker 02

  But I'd rather have a Somnath or a Deepak.

• 1:04:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, they get the salt level right.

• 1:04:05Speaker 02

  Salt level intense, Deepak, proper big hit, you're like, you can't have a full packet because you'll burn.

• 1:04:10Speaker 01

  What about the vinegar though? Because for me, it's all about the vinegar.

• 1:04:13Speaker 02

  Well, it's the ve- yeah, they're just the right, the vinegar's really intense, yeah.

• 1:04:16Speaker 00

  What would you do if you found out, if you saw a video of Deepak's, um, doing all the salt through his arse?

• 1:04:23Speaker 01

  You're like, that's why.

• 1:04:24Speaker 00

  That's why I like it, yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:26Speaker 01

  Jim and Colin's going crazy.

• 1:04:28Speaker 00

  Oh, Deepak, that's incredible.

• 1:04:32Speaker 00

  I love this, I've not, yeah, I've not, I've not really gone into the details in Aldi before, I didn't realise there was different, different chefs for the different crisps.

• 1:04:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, I did.

• 1:04:38Speaker 02

  I was just like, why is this a bad batch? And I couldn't figure it out. So I started looking more into it and I realised that they had the chef's names on the back. So then I thought, I'll go and get a cross-section.

• 1:04:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:50Speaker 02

  That's how you find out.

• 1:04:51Speaker 00

  Do you think that's for all of Aldi, or is that just in the branch of Aldi that you shop in?

• 1:04:54Speaker 02

  Well, I've been to Wales and there's a few Deepaks in there.

• 1:04:58Speaker 00

  Yeah? Yeah. He gets out and about, doesn't he?

• 1:05:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's a busy boy.

• 1:05:06Speaker 01

  Your dream drink?

• 1:05:07Speaker 02

  I think I'll just have, like, I like Coca-Cola. I'll have a little Coca-Cola, or if we're having a bit of a cheeky drink, a little Tippel.

• 1:05:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:16Speaker 02

  A nice Wetherspoons Pinot Grigio, please, from the tab.

• 1:05:21Speaker 02

  No, I won't.

• 1:05:22Speaker 00

  You can have that if you want.

• 1:05:23Speaker 02

  Can I? I'll have that.

• 1:05:25Speaker 01

  Is that your dream? That's your favourite?

• 1:05:27Speaker 02

  We get two for one on a Friday.

• 1:05:29Speaker 00

  But this is all free anyway.

• 1:05:31Speaker 01

  It's all free?

• 1:05:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:32Speaker 02

  Oh, I'll have three then, please.

• 1:05:37Speaker 00

  All right.

• 1:05:37Speaker 01

  Four's too much.

• 1:05:38Speaker 00

  You can have a bottle if you want, or it's not in a bottle though, is it? It's out of the tap.

• 1:05:41Speaker 02

  It's out of the tap, yeah.

• 1:05:42Speaker 01

  Or just bring the tap to me.

• 1:05:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, we can, we can get you a Wetherspoons.

• 1:05:45Speaker 01

  Tap on the side?

• 1:05:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, we put a Wetherspoons tap on your table for Pinot Grigio if you want.

• 1:05:49Speaker 02

  I'll have that, thank you, yeah.

• 1:05:50Speaker 00

  What do you like about the Wetherspoons Pinot Grigio?

• 1:05:53Speaker 02

  It's two for one on a Friday. Did I stutter?

• 1:05:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:00Speaker 00

  Is there anything about the taste that you enjoy?

• 1:06:04Speaker 02

  No, not really. No, it's horrible.

• 1:06:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:07Speaker 02

  I like, I went through a phase of, oh, so I went on a diet, because I thought I need to get in shape for the, for the Taskmaster show, because that was when, I thought Strongman outfit, I thought, but you don't want to look really bad. So I thought I'll start exercising. So I read somewhere that if you drink Guinness or white wine, it helps, you know, keep the calories off. If you want to drink, like, you're probably best just.

• 1:06:29Speaker 01

  Okay, yeah, yeah. So you decided you don't want to get in shape?

• 1:06:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:32Speaker 01

  You're like, there is no way in hell that I am stopping drinking.

• 1:06:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:06:36Speaker 01

  So I have to Google.

• 1:06:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, I went through all of them, caused.

• 1:06:40Speaker 01

  Even though that's kind of like, yep, gone.

• 1:06:42Speaker 02

  That's not happening.

• 1:06:43Speaker 00

  Why is that not happening?

• 1:06:44Speaker 02

  Oh, it's horrible.

• 1:06:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:46Speaker 02

  Plus, I don't like the bottom of the glass, which is blue. I don't understand why it's blue.

• 1:06:51Speaker 02

  So I went for Guinness and white wine.

• 1:06:52Speaker 00

  And how many Guinness and white wine would you say is okay on a diet?

• 1:06:56Speaker 02

  Well, I would normally fall asleep on a bench in a pub around four Guinness, three wines in.

• 1:07:03Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:07:04Speaker 02

  Because you need to alternate them.

• 1:07:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:06Speaker 02

  Because Guinness is too heavy, so then you have a nice wine.

• 1:07:08Speaker 00

  Four Guinness and three wines. All right, Kate Moss.

• 1:07:12Speaker 01

  So you're starting with a Guinness.

• 1:07:14Speaker 02

  I'll have a Guinness to start, please, thank you.

• 1:07:16Speaker 01

  And you're alternating between them.

• 1:07:18Speaker 02

  Between them.

• 1:07:18Speaker 01

  And when we get to the fourth Guinness, you fall asleep on a bench.

• 1:07:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, so we better get that dessert out.

• 1:07:23Speaker 00

  Well, we can probably do that. We can probably put two taps on your table in the Dream Restaurant. And Guinness, one's Guinness and one's Pinot Grigio.

• 1:07:30Speaker 02

  Hmm, yeah.

• 1:07:30Speaker 00

  But yeah, Wetherspoons, so I don't know what, how they keep the lines at Wetherspoons in terms of the Guinness. I don't know how well they preserve their Guinness.

• 1:07:37Speaker 02

  Well, they serve so many, they're all right.

• 1:07:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:40Speaker 02

  But if you were to have like a Bud Light.

• 1:07:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:43Speaker 02

  This is gonna taste a bit like bleach.

• 1:07:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:07:47Speaker 02

  Do you mind if someone does the Guinness for me?

• 1:07:49Speaker 00

  Oh, of course, yeah.

• 1:07:50Speaker 01

  Who would you like?

• 1:07:51Speaker 02

  Deepak, please.

• 1:07:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, Deepak.

• 1:07:53Speaker 00

  Of course, Deepak, yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:54Speaker 01

  Straighten, it's gonna be a salty Guinness.

• 1:07:58Speaker 01

  Okay, well, that sounds good, Phil. I mean, that's, I mean.

• 1:08:02Speaker 00

  Doesn't sound good.

• 1:08:02Speaker 01

  It sounds awful.

• 1:08:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:08:04Speaker 02

  This is an awful meal, I thought.

• 1:08:05Speaker 01

  It sounds like, I find it hard to believe that you've never, because you, you know, you do like to drink. I don't believe you've never had a better drink.

• 1:08:16Speaker 02

  Oh, no, I liked, I used to like going for a Malbec, which my friend, you know, Mick Ferry, the comedian, very funny comedian.

• 1:08:23Speaker 02

  He would always, he got me into Malbec, but I quite liked the way he'd say, well, the Mal, because we had, we couldn't say it in like, can I have a Malbec? We'd have to be like. Give it a go, like, you know, have a Malbec. So it's like, we try and, so every time I order tomorrow, I go, I'll have a Sauvignon Blanc, suppose.

• 1:08:39Speaker 00

  Why do you, why do you feel like you need to do it like that?

• 1:08:41Speaker 02

  I feel like a class traitor, if I say.

• 1:08:43Speaker 00

  Right, yeah.

• 1:08:44Speaker 02

  Especially if I say, when they say New Zealand or Chile, I go.

• 1:08:49Speaker 02

  Bothered. I go, one, half of each.

• 1:08:52Speaker 00

  If they say, next time if they say Chile, you go, yeah, I want it cold.

• 1:08:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta do that, yeah, yeah. You gotta do that.

• 1:08:59Speaker 02

  But I like a Mal, yeah, I like a Malbec.

• 1:09:01Speaker 00

  Lovely. But that's, are you gonna be drinking, is this meal gonna be drinking for pleasure or effect? Because at the moment, it feels like it's for effect.

• 1:09:08Speaker 02

  What, the Malbec?

• 1:09:09Speaker 00

  Sauvignon Blanc or the Pinot Grigio, sorry.

• 1:09:11Speaker 02

  All right, yeah, if I, if I was paying for it, I'd do this.

• 1:09:14Speaker 00

  You're not paying for the.

• 1:09:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, well then, I'll have a Malbec, please.

• 1:09:17Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 1:09:17Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:09:18Speaker 00

  It goes well with the.

• 1:09:18Speaker 01

  So sorry, so you don't want the taps now?

• 1:09:20Speaker 02

  You can leave them there, because I'll probably.

• 1:09:22Speaker 01

  You do want the.

• 1:09:22Speaker 02

  Because I'll probably wanna keep drinking, but I'll start if I'm flagging a bit.

• 1:09:25Speaker 00

  Yeah. Phil, is your dream drink an entire Wetherspoons bar attached to the table?

• 1:09:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, basically.

• 1:09:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, it sounds like.

• 1:09:33Speaker 02

  I tell you what, bring a couple of the locals round as well, in case I get bored.

• 1:09:37Speaker 00

  Any, any people in particular characters from your local that you want sat maybe in the room?

• 1:09:42Speaker 02

  There, there used to be a local I drank in, in London and, and the guy, he was, he, he had no vocal cords because he was a heavy smoker and I was a heavy smoker at the time. He always used to say, we had like the two left, I think.

• 1:09:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:09:56Speaker 02

  So he could sort of get a bit out. And he was like, you need to stop smoking, Phil, please. And then he'd always ask for a cigarette.

• 1:10:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:05Speaker 02

  I like him.

• 1:10:06Speaker 00

  You like him there?

• 1:10:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, because he's like good to chat to, but he also had to have like a rest now and then. So he wasn't, didn't go on too much.

• 1:10:14Speaker 00

  Still in fucking agony when he was talking to you.

• 1:10:17Speaker 01

  Just begging you not to smoke and then smoking in front of you.

• 1:10:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:21Speaker 01

  While you're still smoking.

• 1:10:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, on my money.

• 1:10:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, on your money.

• 1:10:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, but I quit now, so.

• 1:10:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, well done.

• 1:10:28Speaker 02

  So you won't be able to anymore.

• 1:10:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:30Speaker 02

  Thank you. And if you've got problems smoking, why don't you, just put a number there for you.

• 1:10:35Speaker 00

  Put, put Phil's number there.

• 1:10:36Speaker 01

  That was my number.

• 1:10:41Speaker 01

  Your dream dessert, Phil?

• 1:10:43Speaker 02

  To top off this treat of a meal, what better way than a nice, perfectly defrosted Sara Lee Gatto?

• 1:10:49Speaker 00

  Here we go. Of course. It's the Sara Lee Gatto.

• 1:10:53Speaker 02

  It's a Sara Lee chocolate, triple chocolate gatto, please.

• 1:10:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:56Speaker 02

  It was always my favourite growing up and it makes, and I used to go to school with a girl called Sara Lee.

• 1:11:01Speaker 00

  Of course.

• 1:11:02Speaker 02

  She looked nothing like the gatto.

• 1:11:05Speaker 00

  Funny story.

• 1:11:07Speaker 00

  Was that, did you mention that to her at school? Would you be like, oh, did you invent the gatto? That sort of stuff?

• 1:11:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course.

• 1:11:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, a bit of fun.

• 1:11:13Speaker 02

  Well, you know, I'm for the Joker and the pack, wasn't I?

• 1:11:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:11:17Speaker 02

  What a fun I was at school. No, but I did sometimes like look and go, I wonder if she does eat Sara Lee Gatto.

• 1:11:22Speaker 01

  So you wouldn't make jokes out loud about it, but in your head, you would think, I wonder if she eats Sara Lee Gatto?

• 1:11:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'd be like, but like, if there was a cake called the Phil Ellis sponge.

• 1:11:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11:34Speaker 02

  I mean, you'd try it, but what if it was, it wasn't for you? You wouldn't just have it because it was, you know, called the Phil Ellis sponge.

• 1:11:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11:41Speaker 02

  But fuck it all. Frank. So I would, I don't think she'd be obligated to always have, what's, what's for dessert? Sara Lee Gatto.

• 1:11:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, my gatto.

• 1:11:51Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah. What are you having, Walkers? Crisps, obviously.

• 1:11:55Speaker 00

  Walkers, he's just good.

• 1:11:55Speaker 01

  He's good Walkers, that guy.

• 1:11:58Speaker 02

  What about you, Fab Lolly?

• 1:12:02Speaker 00

  I couldn't tell you the last time I had a Sara Lee gato. And are they still going strong?

• 1:12:09Speaker 02

  Well, I don't. I've not checked the shares.

• 1:12:13Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:12:13Speaker 02

  But are you still eating them?

• 1:12:14Speaker 00

  No, no.

• 1:12:15Speaker 02

  Are they still available?

• 1:12:18Speaker 00

  I have the Audi equivalent.

• 1:12:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, of course, of course you do. Phil has brought someone from his management here with him today, and I hope they're taking note on how skint Phil is. And that they really need to start working harder.

• 1:12:31Speaker 00

  He's just on Taskmaster.

• 1:12:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, exactly.

• 1:12:34Speaker 00

  Doesn't last long, that mate.

• 1:12:36Speaker 02

  That's gone out the window.

• 1:12:37Speaker 00

  Not with my lifestyle.

• 1:12:40Speaker 00

  I think of all the, the king of the frozen desserts from the 1970s is the Viennaetta for me.

• 1:12:46Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Never liked it though.

• 1:12:48Speaker 00

  Never.

• 1:12:49Speaker 02

  But, but, no, I mean, it's a good.

• 1:12:50Speaker 00

  It's not a good one.

• 1:12:51Speaker 02

  No, it's not. It used to come with the KFC, uh, family feast.

• 1:12:56Speaker 00

  Yes, it did, yeah.

• 1:12:58Speaker 02

  My dad loved it. I was never a fan.

• 1:13:00Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:13:01Speaker 02

  Why didn't, why didn't you like it? I don't know. It was always like, I didn't like the effort going through the chocolate when you had to crunch through each level.

• 1:13:07Speaker 00

  Best bit.

• 1:13:08Speaker 02

  I don't know. I'd like the side bit with the squiggly bit of ice cream. That would go first and then I'd just leave the middle.

• 1:13:13Speaker 00

  Well, you cut it that way?

• 1:13:15Speaker 02

  No, I would just cut, no, I'd have my slice.

• 1:13:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:18Speaker 02

  And I'd go and just go on the end bits.

• 1:13:19Speaker 00

  That's wild.

• 1:13:20Speaker 02

  The middle was going. Anyone want that? Anyone want it for the middle, Dad?

• 1:13:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, anyone want my?

• 1:13:24Speaker 02

  Because you didn't want all the little bits of chocolate in there?

• 1:13:26Speaker 00

  Yeah. So you're offering your onions and the middle of a Viennaetta, basically, yeah?

• 1:13:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what it is.

• 1:13:30Speaker 00

  Very generous guy.

• 1:13:32Speaker 02

  Hey, hands off that Guinness. No, but the Viennaetta is another classic frozen.

• 1:13:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're, you're a Sara Lee guy.

• 1:13:39Speaker 02

  I'm a Sara Lee guy.

• 1:13:41Speaker 00

  What do you like about the Sara Lee gato?

• 1:13:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, thank you for specifying it was the gato. Sara Lee, uh, I, I hope you're doing well wherever you are. Not seen you for 30 years, but. She was a good person.

• 1:13:53Speaker 01

  Who are you talking about now?

• 1:13:54Speaker 00

  The school.

• 1:13:55Speaker 02

  Oh, sorry.

• 1:13:55Speaker 00

  The one from school.

• 1:13:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, the person from school.

• 1:13:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:58Speaker 02

  But yeah, the gato. What was the thing I liked most about it? I liked, it was soft. It was just the right richness of chocolate. The sponge was nice, but sometimes you'd rush it because you'd be like, oh, I want the gato.

• 1:14:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:14:11Speaker 02

  And it wasn't defrosted enough and then, but you persevere, you get through the icy middle. But you can't do that. You've got to be patient. That's the good thing about, Sarah Lee Gatto's taught me the value of patience. Patience is a virtue.

• 1:14:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:24Speaker 02

  And that's all thanks to Sarah Lee. Sometimes you want that chocolate hit, but give it a bit of time.

• 1:14:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:29Speaker 02

  And you'll appreciate it more.

• 1:14:30Speaker 01

  Are you having anything with the gato? Ice cream?

• 1:14:34Speaker 02

  Oh, no, it's all in there, I think. It's got a nice sort of mousy texture on the outside, nice spongy middle. You've got the little hard hit on top. You've got a few curled chocolate.

• 1:14:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:44Speaker 02

  And I was having a hard one to myself, thank you.

• 1:14:47Speaker 01

  A whole one?

• 1:14:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, just pull the curtain around the table.

• 1:14:50Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:14:51Speaker 02

  And just as the curtain's been pulled and you just see me putting my hand in it, like pushing my hand in it.

• 1:14:55Speaker 01

  Are you still in your own house, right?

• 1:14:58Speaker 02

  Oh, no. Do you know what? I've been imagining myself in the corner where the spoon's now.

• 1:15:02Speaker 00

  What?

• 1:15:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:04Speaker 00

  Pull a curtain round in your own house.

• 1:15:08Speaker 00

  What would you do if you're eating the, you've pulled the curtain round, you're eating the Sarah Lee Gato with your hands?

• 1:15:13Speaker 01

  With your poo in it.

• 1:15:13Speaker 00

  You just, yeah, you just see the curtain moving and you realise Deepak's just peeping through.

• 1:15:19Speaker 02

  Or it opens up.

• 1:15:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:15:21Speaker 02

  Or as it's blown across, as it's reopened, there's a whole audience there. And they're all going.

• 1:15:26Speaker 00

  You'd like that, would you?

• 1:15:27Speaker 02

  Stand up.

• 1:15:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:15:28Speaker 01

  Eggs splatting in their hands.

• 1:15:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:15:32Speaker 01

  Gross.

• 1:15:35Speaker 01

  Well, I'm gonna read your menu back to you now, Phil.

• 1:15:37Speaker 02

  Oh, gosh.

• 1:15:37Speaker 01

  See how you feel about it. Uh, you would like still water, tap water, you would like.

• 1:15:43Speaker 02

  Yes, thank you.

• 1:15:43Speaker 01

  You want a sausage and egg baton from the Lake District for your bread course?

• 1:15:46Speaker 02

  Have you done that?

• 1:15:47Speaker 01

  Huh?

• 1:15:48Speaker 02

  I was reading your menu.

• 1:15:49Speaker 01

  It's not an eye.

• 1:15:50Speaker 00

  It's magic, magic menu is a genie.

• 1:15:52Speaker 02

  Oh, wow, sorry.

• 1:15:53Speaker 01

  Start, you would like a tinned oxtail soup.

• 1:15:55Speaker 02

  Yes, thank you.

• 1:15:55Speaker 01

  With carrots flipped out, microwave for two and a half minutes.

• 1:15:57Speaker 02

  I'll do so.

• 1:15:58Speaker 01

  I'll do so. Main course, tomahawk steak from the free holiday in Italy at Lake Garda. Medium rare. Side dish, poached egg with salt and pepper on white toast. Drink, Malbec, but you'd also like a Pinot Grigio tap and a Guinness tap.

• 1:16:12Speaker 02

  Yes, please.

• 1:16:13Speaker 01

  And, uh, Benito's thrown in a Coca-Cola here for you.

• 1:16:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'll take it.

• 1:16:18Speaker 01

  Dessert, Sara Lee triple chocolate gato, all to yourself with a curtain drawn, don't you?

• 1:16:22Speaker 02

  Yes, thank you.

• 1:16:23Speaker 00

  It says a lot, I think the menu, sometimes with guests, says a lot about their life. And I feel like that's one of them.

• 1:16:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, hearing it back. I do see how that could seem a bit bleak.

• 1:16:37Speaker 00

  Hmm. You know what really threw me, and I thought about it at the time, but only hearing it in isolation now, has it made me realise how weird it is, that you start with a sausage and egg sandwich and then your side dish is egg on toast.

• 1:16:49Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:16:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:16:51Speaker 01

  We should have picked you up on that at the time.

• 1:16:53Speaker 02

  No, but I didn't, but you threw the sausages at me.

• 1:16:57Speaker 00

  I never do that.

• 1:16:58Speaker 02

  Well, you said, hey, you can have sausage in it if you want the bread.

• 1:17:01Speaker 01

  Well, no.

• 1:17:01Speaker 00

  No.

• 1:17:02Speaker 01

  You said that that's what you'd had in the Lake District.

• 1:17:04Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:17:05Speaker 01

  So we said, we can give you that.

• 1:17:06Speaker 02

  All right, yeah, that's all good.

• 1:17:08Speaker 01

  And you went, yeah, I'll have that exact thing, thank you. We didn't know that later on, as your side dish, forgive us for not presuming this, that you were gonna choose egg on toast.

• 1:17:18Speaker 00

  With your tomahawk steak.

• 1:17:20Speaker 01

  That you got on a free holiday in Italy.

• 1:17:22Speaker 02

  Can I back, do you do doggy, do you do doggy bags? Like, could I just?

• 1:17:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:17:26Speaker 02

  Bag up, well, maybe I'll just bag up the sausage egg sandwich over there.

• 1:17:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, but we know where that's going.

• 1:17:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:17:33Speaker 01

  So, I don't think, I don't think with a good conscience I could give you that.

• 1:17:38Speaker 00

  Because they're only gonna find it when they do your MOT.

• 1:17:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:17:42Speaker 02

  Do you do a doggy boot?

• 1:17:44Speaker 01

  Open it up, there's like, all the doggy bag from the dream restaurant, a dead fox.

• 1:17:51Speaker 02

  It's a write-off, mate. Yeah.

• 1:17:53Speaker 00

  Well, Phil, thank you very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant.

• 1:17:56Speaker 02

  Well, thanks for having me. And do you know what? I think we can all safely say that tour is sold out.

• 1:18:02Speaker 02

  It is. Off the back of this. And if anyone from Hollywood is listening. Yeah. Or Morrison's. Or Morrison's, yeah. No, thank you very much for having me on. It's been an absolute pleasure and I'm sorry if I've made any of your listeners feel physically sick.

• 1:18:23Speaker 00

  Well, there we are. The first episode of series 16 done, James.

• 1:18:27Speaker 01

  Last episode ever of the podcast.

• 1:18:29Speaker 00

  One down, 19 to go in this series and then onwards. Lovely to see Phil.

• 1:18:34Speaker 01

  A disgusting menu.

• 1:18:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, disgusting man.

• 1:18:37Speaker 01

  Really disgusting man, but go and see him on tour doing Bathmat. Also.

• 1:18:43Speaker 00

  He'll look different now, though.

• 1:18:45Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:18:45Speaker 00

  He'll look different now. So don't be scared if he looks different to how he did on the video for this.

• 1:18:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, he'll look different.

• 1:18:51Speaker 00

  Because he's had hair plugs.

• 1:18:52Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:18:53Speaker 00

  And they've really started to come in. I saw him the other night.

• 1:18:55Speaker 01

  I can't wait to see that.

• 1:18:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, they've been very well done.

• 1:18:58Speaker 01

  Listen to his podcast, Early Worms as well.

• 1:19:00Speaker 00

  Early Worms, yes. Go and see Bathmat, philelliscomedy.com. And he's got a brand new bath mat right on his bonnet.

• 1:19:08Speaker 01

  I mean, I guess at gamble.co.uk.

• 1:19:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, fresh hell on my tour. No hair plugs as of yet, but we'll see what happens.

• 1:19:14Speaker 01

  New haircut, though.

• 1:19:15Speaker 00

  New haircut.

• 1:19:16Speaker 01

  To the video.

• 1:19:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:19:18Speaker 01

  Looks great.

• 1:19:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, different haircuts to the video. James likes the hair. I'd imagine there'll be some comments below saying they don't like it.

• 1:19:24Speaker 01

  They're idiots if they don't like the new hair. I love the old hair. Love this new hair so much.

• 1:19:29Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 1:19:30Speaker 01

  Very excited about it.

• 1:19:32Speaker 00

  Not sure my wife likes it, but that's a discussion we'll have later today.

• 1:19:35Speaker 01

  Awkward.

• 1:19:36Speaker 00

  She pushed it up the other night. She went like that and then she went, there you are, like the little kid in Hook.

• 1:19:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, there you are, Peter.

• 1:19:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, there you are, Ed.

• 1:19:46Speaker 01

  There you are, Ed Gamble.

• 1:19:47Speaker 00

  At gamble.co.uk. Thank you.

• 1:19:49Speaker 01

  Bye.