Pod Insights Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster Nicola Coughlan (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall) About this episode It’s Royal Albert Hall Tasting Menu time, and joining us for this live episode is ‘Bridgerton’ and ‘Derry Girls’ star Nicola Coughlan. On Nicola’s original episode she locked herself out of her flat. Will she do the same at the Royal Albert Hall?
Nicola is starring in the next of Channel 4’s anthology series, ‘I Am’, with ‘I Am Helen’ being released later this year.
She’s also joined the cast of ‘Only Murders in the Building’, so look out for the new series.
Follow Nicola on Instagram @nicolacoughlan https://www.instagram.com/nicolacoughlan
Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast
Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial.
And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.
Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.
Produced and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/.
Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the Royal Albert Hall.
Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/.
Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design).
Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here https://youtu.be/ug7YEj14yFQ.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcript 14,126 words · 3 speakers
0:13 Speaker 00 Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Bonus.
0:15 Speaker 01 Bonus.
0:17 Speaker 00 A bonus live episode from the Royal Albert Hall, James.
0:21 Speaker 01 The Royal Albert Hall, we did six shows there. Absolutely bonkers. This is our second matinee.
0:27 Speaker 00 Yes.
0:27 Speaker 01 Of course.
0:28 Speaker 00 Nicola Cocklin is our guest.
0:29 Speaker 01 Nicola Cocklin.
0:30 Speaker 00 A returning guest to do a tasting menu.
0:32 Speaker 01 The first time Nicola came on was over Zoom. She locked herself out of her house.
0:36 Speaker 00 Yeah.
0:37 Speaker 01 So we're quite keen to have Nicola on a live episode where there's zero chance of that happening.
0:43 Speaker 00 Would have been funny though.
0:44 Speaker 01 Would have been, would have been very funny.
0:46 Speaker 00 Lock yourself out of the Royal Albert Hall.
0:48 Speaker 01 You know what I've just remembered as well?
0:49 Speaker 00 Go on.
0:50 Speaker 01 Is that, because I remember like popping in to say hi to Nicola before the show and there was like, each guest had some snacks and stuff in there.
0:59 Speaker 00 Yeah.
0:59 Speaker 01 And Benito had gone out of his way to make sure they had stuff that related to their initial episode.
1:04 Speaker 00 Yeah, it was pretty, it was pretty nice. And the guests were always, when, when they saw that, they thanked me and James so much.
1:09 Speaker 01 Yeah, we got so many thank yous. I didn't even know it happened.
1:12 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:12 Speaker 01 And they were like, oh, just like, you got my dream drink there. And sometimes it was a cocktail that they had mentioned and like, Benito had got all the ingredients for the dream drink and made sure that they got their dream cocktail before going on to the Royal Albert Hall. Very, very nice.
1:25 Speaker 00 Really, really thoughtful.
1:27 Speaker 01 Really thoughtful. The whole Plosive team arranged that, made sure it happened.
1:31 Speaker 00 These, these guys are the best in the biz.
1:33 Speaker 01 They're the best in the biz and I guess we're just lucky to be on this train, you know?
1:37 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:38 Speaker 01 They didn't get us our favourite dream things in our dressing room.
1:41 Speaker 00 Well, they did get us quite a lot in the dressing room.
1:43 Speaker 01 They were like naked bars and stuff.
1:46 Speaker 00 Yeah, but that's what, probably what you've asked for in the past.
1:48 Speaker 01 Yeah. Yes, I've been very clear.
1:50 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:52 Speaker 00 But because if, in the past, I think if they've got us like, nice snacks, like chocies and stuff.
1:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:59 Speaker 00 You go, I don't want that, that.
2:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
2:02 Speaker 00 I'm gonna eat all of it, I feel sick.
2:04 Speaker 01 You say that too. We both say, this is Ed and I, if we go in and there's chocolate, you're like, oh fuck's sake, Benito. Oh, thank you, we're just gonna look like a couple of fucking idiots now with a Royal Albert Hornets, all bloated like we just ate a load of fucking chocolate. Oh, thank you, mate.
2:17 Speaker 00 Yeah.
2:18 Speaker 01 They look ugly as fuck.
2:19 Speaker 00 Yeah. The guy can't win.
2:21 Speaker 01 He can't win and he never will. And he knows that.
2:24 Speaker 00 Yeah.
2:25 Speaker 01 He knows that he can't win with us.
2:26 Speaker 00 Doesn't deserve to.
2:27 Speaker 01 I tell you who can win, Nicola Coughlan.
2:29 Speaker 00 Yes.
2:29 Speaker 01 A fantastic guest, returning guest, being given the menu of a previous guest in what we have dubbed the tasting menu.
2:34 Speaker 00 Yeah. There'll be loads of callbacks in the show to the first half, so don't worry about that. You're not stupid, you just weren't there.
2:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah. That's, I should be getting that on a t-shirt. Sell that as merch for the next one. We did sell merchandise as well.
2:45 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
2:46 Speaker 01 Great merch. Flew off like hotcakes.
2:48 Speaker 00 Flew like hotcakes. In fact, the next time we do live shows, we're gonna sell hotcakes.
2:52 Speaker 01 We should sell hotcakes, because it's a podcast, it kind of suits it, doesn't it?
2:55 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
2:56 Speaker 01 Because it's food podcast.
2:57 Speaker 00 Yeah, food podcast.
2:58 Speaker 01 So let's do hotcakes next time. And we'll see how well they sell.
3:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
3:02 Speaker 01 I bet that will sell well.
3:06 Speaker 00 This is the off-menu tasting menu of Nicola Coughlan.
3:18 Speaker 01 Anyone have anything to eat in the break?
3:23 Speaker 01 Shout out if you had anything brilliant to eat. Shout out the exact thing you had to eat.
3:28 Speaker 00 Well, why the fuck did you do that, James?
3:33 Speaker 00 Did you pick up on any of those things?
3:35 Speaker 01 Nope.
3:35 Speaker 00 Okay, cool. Great, great banter.
3:38 Speaker 01 The man up there. Shout it again?
3:42 Speaker 01 Pistachios.
3:45 Speaker 00 Amazing to hear someone go through puberty live, isn't it? Pistachios!
3:51 Speaker 01 Some pistachios. Pistachios remind me of my dad's bare feet.
3:57 Speaker 00 Cool, let's crack on with the episode. What are you on about?
4:00 Speaker 01 He used to eat pistachios in front of a football focus in his bare feet on a Saturday.
4:06 Speaker 00 Yeah.
4:07 Speaker 01 He'd walk in the living room and he'd be there eating the pistachios, and the skin of the pistachios was the same as the bottom. Bottom of his feet.
4:17 Speaker 00 It's amazing, being a parent, it must be incredible. You're just trying to have a nice, relaxing Saturday. Little do you know, you're scarring your child for life.
4:24 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm gonna tell everyone in the Royal Albert Hall in thirty years' time.
4:29 Speaker 00 He's not in today, is he?
4:31 Speaker 01 He's not in, no, no, he's hanging out with my mum for Mother's Day.
4:35 Speaker 00 As is tradition.
4:37 Speaker 01 Oh man, I hope she's not his mum.
4:40 Speaker 00 Do you say, "I hope she's not his mum"?
4:45 Speaker 01 Why else would he be with her for Mother's Day?
4:49 Speaker 00 What a fear, what a new fear you've unlocked. That it turns out your mum's your dad's mum.
4:55 Speaker 00 And then is she also, is she also your mum in this?
4:57 Speaker 01 I don't even wanna think about it, Ed. I hope none of that's happened. Let's just get the guest on.
5:04 Speaker 00 Would you like me to kick off the podcast in only the way I know how?
5:06 Speaker 01 Yes, kick it off proper, Ed. I'm sorry that I said what I just said.
5:12 Speaker 00 Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. Taking whatever's in the fridge of conversation.
5:19 Speaker 00 Dumping it into the pasta of humour. And then hoping that James doesn't cuck your dad with your mum.
5:26 Speaker 01 I promise I won't. I promise I will not do that, ever.
5:31 Speaker 01 This is the Off Menu Podcast, every single week. Ed Gamble and I, we invite in a guest after the paper ever started making us a side dish and drink, not in that order. But this week, we are giving someone else's menu to someone else.
5:43 Speaker 00 Come on, man, you can, you know what this is, we've done this before.
5:47 Speaker 01 My dad's my son, man.
5:49 Speaker 00 Having your dad's your son?
5:50 Speaker 01 Oh no.
5:52 Speaker 00 That's not what you said. You're worried that your mum's your dad's mum. You're worried that your mum's your grandma. Or that you're your dad's brother. At no point did you say that your dad's your son. Because that means you had sex with your mum!
6:04 Speaker 01 No.
6:06 Speaker 00 You had sex with your mum and your dad's your brother.
6:09 Speaker 01 My family tree's a circle.
6:12 Speaker 00 What an awful way to bring on a special guest. We cannot wait to welcome her back on the podcast. She's absolutely brilliant. James, you gotta do this with me, come on. Please welcome to the stage, Nicola Coklin!
6:38 Speaker 00 Right there in the middle, please Nicola. It's Nicola Coughlan, everyone.
6:45 Speaker 00 So excited to have you here Nicola, welcome back.
6:48 Speaker 02 Fancy cans of water, thanks so much.
6:50 Speaker 00 Of course, yeah, we treat our guests well, you get a can of water. Only one though, only one.
6:56 Speaker 01 We don't open it for you before you come on.
6:58 Speaker 02 I'm gonna really enjoy it.
7:00 Speaker 00 It's your first time actually, in the flesh on the pod.
7:03 Speaker 02 Yes.
7:04 Speaker 00 Because you did it on Zoom the first time you did it.
7:06 Speaker 02 It's quite eventful.
7:07 Speaker 00 It was quite eventful, yes, I don't know if anyone remembers this happening in Nicola's episode, but Nicola locked herself out of her flat during the episode.
7:16 Speaker 02 I think I'd sent something off with a courier, so I wasn't expecting a caller, and then we were having a chat and the doorbell kept going, I was like, oh god. And my friend, Theresa, said, you know you can put your door on the latch, which I was like, wow, this new invention that no one's ever done. So I put the door on the latch, went downstairs, talked to the driver, then came back up and my door was closed.
7:35 Speaker 00 Yes.
7:36 Speaker 02 And I was like, wow, everything I own is in that flat and they are on Zoom. And then my neighbour, my old neighbour, used to have, leave a key in her door, because she had a cat, so I had to sort of break in, go through her flat, find a spare key and come back. And you can kind of tell if you look at the menu that I had, because it was super normal and I had prepared and then it all sort of went to shit. And it sort of started talking about imaginary food from a hook.
8:01 Speaker 00 Yes.
8:01 Speaker 02 I got off that podcast record and was like, they'll never let me do anything again in the world, in general, it's, yeah.
8:07 Speaker 00 But here you are.
8:07 Speaker 02 Here I am.
8:08 Speaker 00 Your first job since the podcast.
8:10 Speaker 02 I know, it's been really tough.
8:14 Speaker 01 I remember it was quite the feeling sitting on that Zoom, and you were like, sorry, I was gonna go and get something, I'll be back in a second, and you went, and then it just got longer and longer.
8:25 Speaker 01 And we were there just like talking to each other, then every now and again Benito would go, "I'm a bit worried about Nicola." "Oh, she'll be bad, Benito."
8:34 Speaker 02 Also, being in my neighbour's flat, just rummaging through it while a cat was like, "Meow!", I was like, "This is bad. This is really bad."
8:42 Speaker 01 So I didn't know that you broke into your neighbour's flat?
8:44 Speaker 02 Sort of.
8:45 Speaker 00 Yes.
8:46 Speaker 02 She used to leave a key in the door in case her cat got into trouble. I don't know how I would know, I'd just like sense it, be like...
8:51 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
8:52 Speaker 02 But yeah, that was the idea.
8:53 Speaker 00 See, where my brain went there is that she was leaving the key in the door for the cat to use if it got in trouble.
8:59 Speaker 02 It was also that.
9:02 Speaker 00 I did a...
9:02 Speaker 02 Do you wanna talk about your mum being your dad?
9:04 Speaker 01 No. Not really.
9:07 Speaker 02 We can make space for that if that's something you need.
9:08 Speaker 01 No, no, we can just breeze past that, please.
9:11 Speaker 02 I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for saying it.
9:13 Speaker 00 I did. James, we can't start the podcast properly until you're a genie.
9:16 Speaker 01 Sorry, yeah, I've gotta do my proper entrance. Hold on a second.
9:22 Speaker 02 This is far more exciting than Zoom. This is great.
9:24 Speaker 00 It's a bit more exciting than Zoom, yeah.
9:26 Speaker 02 I'm sorry, I shouldn't look, right?
9:28 Speaker 00 No, that was amazing. Nicola looked away and went, "Oh, I shouldn't look, should I?"
9:31 Speaker 02 No.
9:32 Speaker 00 As if this is the equivalent of seeing a genie naked.
9:35 Speaker 02 Sort of feels like it. It felt inappropriate, so I was like, "Oh, Jesus."
9:38 Speaker 00 It does feel a bit inappropriate. For you guys, this is very impressive. For these guys, not so much.
9:45 Speaker 01 Someone just took my photo. For a guy who was phoned up.
9:50 Speaker 00 Now, Nicola, I don't know how you would get a genie out of a lamp, but if you would like to rub the lamp, you're very welcome to.
9:58 Speaker 02 I feel like it should be this bit, right?
10:00 Speaker 00 Rub whatever bit you like. Here we go. Oh, something's happening. Something's happening. Oh. Whoa!
10:10 Speaker 02 Welcome Nicola Toplin back to the Gimped, that's how it makes funny, you know, some time. That was amazing.
10:16 Speaker 01 Pretty cool, right?
10:17 Speaker 02 I loved it.
10:18 Speaker 01 I inhaled a lot of that smoke today.
10:23 Speaker 01 A little bit lightheaded. You, uh, when you came on the pod last time.
10:27 Speaker 02 Yes.
10:28 Speaker 01 You described a... Somebody you'd seen Robbie Williams eat.
10:33 Speaker 00 Yes.
10:33 Speaker 02 Yes.
10:34 Speaker 01 And you weren't sure what it was. And for ages, Bonito's entire timeline on Twitter was just people telling him what it was. Did you have that as well?
10:40 Speaker 02 Um, if anyone sends the words "oat cake" to me again, just get away from me. Stop telling... Yes. My whole life I didn't know what it was, and then I know it too much now, if that's possible.
10:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:51 Speaker 02 But Robbie Williams, when I was a child, I watched him eating this wrap, which for some reason seemed like the most exotic thing in the world, and it was a Stoke oatcake, which I still haven't had. Are they good? Yeah, that sounds good. I'm taking that to not be negative, um, yeah. But I was just in Manchester, actually, and my sister was like, "You need to go Stoke-on-Trent and get one." I didn't quite, but one day.
11:13 Speaker 01 We should have got you one, really, for today.
11:16 Speaker 02 I know.
11:17 Speaker 00 Can you sort that out? Say it again?
11:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, it sounds good. Is it good?
11:25 Speaker 00 Yeah, we fucking know what it is.
11:28 Speaker 01 Just to be clear, this bit started with Nicola saying, "I know all too well what it is now."
11:35 Speaker 00 Savory pancake!
11:40 Speaker 01 Did you originally, when that episode went out, did you tweet that to the podcast anthem, Nicola, anyway?
11:48 Speaker 00 Cool!
11:49 Speaker 01 Well, what a way to find out.
11:50 Speaker 02 We've changed her into silence.
11:52 Speaker 01 The only words a person knows is savoury pancake and cheese and bacon. Can't say anything else, I'm afraid.
11:59 Speaker 00 It's in...
11:59 Speaker 01 Oh, back again.
12:00 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
12:01 Speaker 01 Forget it. There's absolutely no way we're carrying this on.
12:04 Speaker 00 Yeah.
12:05 Speaker 01 We know, we, we know where this is going.
12:07 Speaker 00 It's someone learning English and their Duolingo's broken. It's only taught them savoury pancake. Guess that's what you just say in every situation. Savoury pancake!
12:18 Speaker 01 Now, we're gonna give you another guest's menu.
12:21 Speaker 02 Yeah.
12:21 Speaker 01 Is there any, any guests you'd...
12:23 Speaker 02 I have no clue.
12:24 Speaker 01 Anyone you'd hope for?
12:26 Speaker 02 Not Joel Dummett.
12:30 Speaker 02 No, I think anyone would be good. You've had very fancy guests on, haven't you?
12:34 Speaker 01 Yeah, some pretty fancy guests.
12:35 Speaker 00 We've had some pretty fancy guests on.
12:36 Speaker 02 I mean, it's just sometimes you hear me like, "Michelle Obama", you're like, "Okay, well, I know you have, not yet, but I'm sure one day..."
12:41 Speaker 00 One day, surely it's gonna happen.
12:43 Speaker 02 In fact, guys, she's here today. Michelle?
12:46 Speaker 00 She's in the lamp.
12:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
12:48 Speaker 01 I had a great Michelle Obama story recently when like, her, um, uh, I think his name's Barack Obama, went to a...
12:56 Speaker 00 Her hubby, hubby, she calls him.
12:58 Speaker 01 They went like, to this like, I think it was a, let's say, a burger restaurant, for the sake of argument, and the owner came over and was like, "Michelle, it's so good to see you again, we haven't seen..." And they, they used to date, and they were catching up, and he went away, and Barack Obama was like, "Huh, if you stayed with that guy, you'd have ended up inheriting a burger restaurant." And she went, "If I stay with that guy, he'd be president of the United States of America."
13:27 Speaker 00 It's good stuff.
13:28 Speaker 02 It's really good.
13:28 Speaker 00 Fantastic.
13:29 Speaker 01 Happy Mother's Day, everyone.
13:32 Speaker 02 Michelle.
13:33 Speaker 00 I can't wait for us to get Michelle Obama on the podcast, and when she starts to tell that story, you go, "Yeah, yeah, I've heard this one."
13:39 Speaker 01 I said that to Stephen Graham. Started telling the story, I said, "I know this."
13:46 Speaker 01 Ed absolutely tore me to ribbons over it. Graham loving it. And then I beat him up.
13:52 Speaker 00 Yeah. That bit didn't make the pod, but you beat him up, didn't you?
13:56 Speaker 01 Yeah, beat him up in one interrupted take.
13:59 Speaker 02 And that's what our essence is about.
14:01 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
14:02 Speaker 02 It's great.
14:03 Speaker 01 Right, we're gonna reveal now whose menu you're gonna be eating.
14:08 Speaker 02 Feel nervous.
14:09 Speaker 01 Today, this afternoon, Nicola Cock, we are gonna be giving you the off-menu menu. Of Shabon and Swinney!
14:18 Speaker 02 Oh, look at it! Oh, that's thrilling.
14:22 Speaker 00 The thing is, we've been putting photos up of the people whose menus they are, and today Benito's picked one that makes it really look like Shabon's on a video call about to speak to us.
14:31 Speaker 02 Really does.
14:32 Speaker 00 Or has recorded a message for us. That might have been a good idea, actually, for the show.
14:38 Speaker 02 I just spent the last five months working with Siobhan again on a play. And then I used to come home quite late in the evening, like at 11pm and put on Pottery Throwdown.
14:48 Speaker 00 You just couldn't be away from her for too long.
14:50 Speaker 02 No, separation anxiety. They come over like, ah, here she is again. Here she is. And it's really funny because I was like, God, it's such a great programme. She went, it is. And I said, I just love seeing you come on. She was like, so do I. And I was like, that's the kind of Michelle Obama, Siobhan McSweeney self-love we should all have, you know?
15:08 Speaker 00 That's interesting because my only contact with Siobhan after the podcast has been every year I message her a compliment about something she's done. Like, I'll see her on a show and be like, brilliant on that. And then I'll see her on something else. I saw her on Irish Traitors and I was like, I should message her about that. And I went back and the last thing I sent to her was a compliment about a sitcom.
15:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, she's fantastic. My family came over to watch the play that we were in. And all they cared about was meeting Siobhan afterwards. And my nephew, who I said the last time you reminded me of, still, still stands very much.
15:38 Speaker 00 Yes.
15:38 Speaker 02 Compliment received.
15:39 Speaker 00 James is a real nephew character.
15:41 Speaker 02 Real nephew character. He was 11 at the time. He's now 16 because of how time works. But yeah, he sat Siobhan down and pitched loads of traitors' ideas for her, but she listened to all of them very kindly. After a three-hour show. So she's a real one. She's great.
15:56 Speaker 01 Last time I saw Siobhan, I was walking down the street and she was cycling the other way. And I went, hi, Siobhan. And she cycled right past me.
16:05 Speaker 02 The other day I said to her, like, there's a whole, you know, people talk a lot about Irish acting at the minute. They're like, doing really well, it is. And she goes, well, I'm sick of it. Because like, you kind of never know when Siobhan will turn on a thing. She'll be like, no, it's too much now. So I'm sorry for any Irish person here who is working, you know, thinks we've been culturally celebrated. It's done.
16:23 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:23 Speaker 02 It's over. There's too much of us.
16:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:25 Speaker 02 One of us, Jessie Buckley is going to get the Oscar tonight and then just let's finish it there. We've had enough. Let's give the Swedes a chance, I say.
16:35 Speaker 00 You know who I hope wins the Oscar? Cats.
16:38 Speaker 02 Just general cats.
16:40 Speaker 01 All cats that Jessie Buckley apparently hates.
16:42 Speaker 02 Oh, yes, of course.
16:44 Speaker 00 Oh, I thought you meant the film Cats.
16:48 Speaker 02 I thought you meant just cats on the street.
16:50 Speaker 01 No way.
16:50 Speaker 02 But didn't she say the cat like pooped on her pillow? That seems like a pointed attack.
16:54 Speaker 01 She said she hates cats and she said to her husband, it's either the cats on me, or I leave or the cats leave. To the husband.
17:02 Speaker 02 You don't, who do you, so you want just a cat to win an Oscar? That would be an incredible moment at the Oscars. Like they open it and they're like, it's, it's cats. And then all the cats start coming on stage like an army.
17:13 Speaker 01 Yeah.
17:14 Speaker 02 And Jessie Buckley goes, ah, and runs away. I'd watch it.
17:17 Speaker 01 Just a low rumbling and then they all go in there.
17:19 Speaker 00 The whole audience swarmed by cats.
17:21 Speaker 02 Um, my friend who is here, who is a huge fan of the podcast, went to see the movie Cats and was under the influence of something. And she fell very slowly down the stairs during memories.
17:40 Speaker 01 For your water course, you just chose still water.
17:43 Speaker 02 Yeah, I want that, but I want ice. Why do, what's our problem? But Americans are like, I don't like lukewarm water. I'm like, me neither, you're correct about that.
17:51 Speaker 01 Yeah.
17:51 Speaker 02 Gun safety incorrect, ice and water deadly correct.
17:55 Speaker 01 Begging for clearing that up.
17:57 Speaker 02 And that's why I've come here today. This is not gonna be fun, it's gonna be very stupid. But you know what I mean? Why, lukewarm water is gross.
18:03 Speaker 00 Yeah, I mean, one person whoops as if everyone else disagrees, but I think.
18:07 Speaker 02 Well, thank you, it feels nice to have a friend.
18:09 Speaker 00 It's too much ice in America, though.
18:11 Speaker 02 I mean, and it's too small.
18:13 Speaker 00 Didn't mean it like that, but I also do mean that.
18:20 Speaker 00 That's, that suggests that there is a level of ice that I'm happy with.
18:25 Speaker 02 And there should be, because they put, they make it like a slushie in America. It's, they do.
18:30 Speaker 01 Eggs talking about something else.
18:32 Speaker 00 Yeah.
18:32 Speaker 01 The ice raids and stuff.
18:34 Speaker 02 Yeah, and actual ice, so.
18:36 Speaker 00 Yeah. And there should be some.
18:38 Speaker 01 Should be. Gets a bit slushy, otherwise.
18:42 Speaker 02 That went so far over my head, it nearly knocked the set over. It's incredible.
18:46 Speaker 00 But yes, when they make it like a slushy, oh no.
18:50 Speaker 02 A slushy?
18:51 Speaker 00 I've panicked. When they use the frozen, normally the frozen water comes in cubes, doesn't it?
18:59 Speaker 02 Yes.
18:59 Speaker 00 But sometimes they grind up the frozen water and put it in.
19:02 Speaker 02 And then you're sort of talking to someone, then you're eating ice at them and it's like, it's an awkward, but I would like ice, please. Can I have it?
19:10 Speaker 01 Well, no.
19:12 Speaker 01 Because this isn't your dream menu, it's Siobhan's, so you're getting sparkling water left open overnight.
19:21 Speaker 02 Why?
19:24 Speaker 01 It sounds nice, doesn't it? That's basically still water.
19:26 Speaker 02 It sounds the worst. It tastes like, sparkling water tastes like salty in a really bad way, and then left overnight. So what, it's got a few weird bubbles in it that you're not expecting.
19:36 Speaker 01 Oh no, it's gone completely flat. This is basically still water, it's what you wanted.
19:39 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's still water, but I think-
19:42 Speaker 02 It has a weird taste, like a spoon has been in it. Doesn't it?
19:46 Speaker 00 Yeah.
19:47 Speaker 02 Why, what was her reasoning?
19:49 Speaker 01 That's a good question.
19:51 Speaker 00 I think she genuinely liked, she liked the flavour of flat sparkling water.
19:56 Speaker 01 Yeah.
19:56 Speaker 00 So she wanted to leave it open overnight and drink it in the morning, so you've still got that. Because technically, you would have thought that flat sparkling water just is still water, right? But it's really not, is it? It's like you say, it's got that metallic taste.
20:07 Speaker 02 No, it's old spoon water with random surprise bubble.
20:09 Speaker 00 Spoon water with surprise bubble.
20:11 Speaker 02 It's not good. I don't know, I kept trying to convince Siobhan to drink electrolytes, I think when you're doing a show for a long time. And every day I'd be like, "Do you want an electrolyte?" She'd be like, "I don't. I had my Baraka." And I'd be like, "All right." So she does like a Baraka, I know that, but that is an unforgivable choice.
20:27 Speaker 01 I had a Baraka this morning before I got in the car and now I felt queasy.
20:33 Speaker 02 Yeah.
20:35 Speaker 00 It's pretty rock and roll at this run of shows.
20:37 Speaker 02 Pretty big party, yeah. Pretty cool.
20:39 Speaker 01 Pretty bad.
20:40 Speaker 00 Do you, um, I bought some off-brand Barocca and it's, it just doesn't hit the same.
20:45 Speaker 02 Um, my friend Jason, who does my hair, he always recommends me really expensive things that I get addicted to.
20:50 Speaker 00 Yeah.
20:51 Speaker 02 So there's a current brand of electrolytes that I keep having and then I found out that you're not meant to drink them in the wrong amount of water because it's really bad for you. I just kept putting them in any receptacle and going, I'm sure this is fine. And I think I had like really dangerous salt levels.
21:03 Speaker 00 Yeah. It's just salt, isn't it, basically?
21:05 Speaker 02 It's salt.
21:06 Speaker 00 Yeah.
21:06 Speaker 02 But I was like, well, I need to do this every day for at least two months until I forget about it and never do it again.
21:11 Speaker 00 But you were putting them in things that weren't water?
21:14 Speaker 02 Oh, no, just things that were in proper cups. I'd find things in my dressing room in the theatre, like a champagne glass I'd sort of taken from the bar upstairs and have it in that and come out, they'd be like, oh, what's she like? And then I'd be poisoning myself with salt.
21:27 Speaker 00 So that's bad for you?
21:29 Speaker 02 You need to put them in a specific amount of water. I didn't know or check that. So I was just down in salt, like nobody's business.
21:36 Speaker 00 Were you thinking Nicola was putting it on like scrambled eggs and stuff?
21:39 Speaker 01 I thought you were saying, yeah, you were just like putting it in a Dr Pepper or something.
21:43 Speaker 02 I did inhale a good deal of it this morning. It's very, and I'm listening to a podcast about anthrax. Side note. But it, then it just, it's bad timing because I sort of put it in water and it went up into my nose and I was coughing and I was like, anthrax.
21:57 Speaker 02 But you don't know what happened with anthrax, do you? I won't go on about this, but I am really into the podcast. But like, anthrax just happened and then it's over and we were like, who did it? Do we know? Maybe someone knows. Anyway, I'll finish the podcast and I'll come back.
22:08 Speaker 00 Anthrax was massive.
22:09 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:10 Speaker 02 It was massive.
22:10 Speaker 00 It was in, people were putting it in letters and stuff.
22:12 Speaker 02 I was a school child in Ireland and I was like, I don't know how, this is going to affect me.
22:17 Speaker 00 Yeah.
22:17 Speaker 02 How am I going to continue about my life?
22:19 Speaker 00 Anthrax and, uh, quicksand. Huge things in my life.
22:22 Speaker 02 Oh my god. And then throwing the Bermuda Triangle, you're having a spiral for yourself. You're really on something, yeah.
22:29 Speaker 01 The thing now with like email is like, it's kind of like phased out anthrax.
22:35 Speaker 00 Yeah.
22:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:37 Speaker 00 But if you got, if you got a letter now, you open it, right? Because you're excited to get a letter.
22:43 Speaker 01 I know, no, actually, I don't think I've, the last time I got a good letter was. Everything in the post is like bills or statements that I told my bank to stop sending me and they don't listen to.
22:53 Speaker 00 Yeah.
22:54 Speaker 02 I got a card, like my name nicely written on an envelope to my house the other day and I was like, someone's trying to kill me. I was like, oh my god, and I brought it and I sat on the couch on my own really dramatically and was like, okay, here I go. Open it, it was my best friend's mum, it was like, thank you for my birthday flowers. And I was like, oh, there's something wrong with my brain.
23:11 Speaker 00 Yeah.
23:12 Speaker 02 But yeah, letters are scary. Anyways, water.
23:17 Speaker 01 Well, for poppadoms or bread, you wanted, oh, it's great stuff. Maltese bread with olive oil, salt and balsamic vinegar.
23:24 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:24 Speaker 01 Now, there is an explanation for this, we are going to have to go through it. But Siobhan, this is what you're going to have. Siobhan's dream poppadoms of bread is shards of poppadoms throughout the meal with mother's Irish soda bread and banned and co-op butter.
23:39 Speaker 02 What does she mean shards? Is someone throwing them at her?
23:42 Speaker 01 She has burst through a giant poppadom.
23:45 Speaker 00 Yes.
23:45 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah.
23:46 Speaker 00 She starts off in a box of poppadoms, like she, like all the walls and ceilings are a box. And it's, this episode was mental, right? And then she's, she wants to bust out the side of the wall
23:58 Speaker 02 Yeah.
23:58 Speaker 00 and all the shards of poppadoms are around her and then she can pick up and eat all the shards throughout the meal.
24:02 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's fantastic.
24:04 Speaker 00 Yeah, it's pretty good, right?
24:05 Speaker 02 Yeah.
24:05 Speaker 00 I think that's going to be on the next series of Irish Traitors, the coffins are going to be made out of poppadoms.
24:09 Speaker 02 Inevitably.
24:09 Speaker 00 Yeah.
24:10 Speaker 02 Also, don't you find, like, I love poppadoms so much, but then I will eat so many of the dips that every time the curry comes, I'm like, what is that? I don't want that. Why is that there? That's there to shame me. It's just so nice.
24:22 Speaker 00 Yeah.
24:22 Speaker 02 And a tiny little bit of, but do you ever, do you know sometimes some takeaways send you like a salad in a small plastic bag?
24:27 Speaker 00 Yeah.
24:28 Speaker 02 Tied really tightly. Has everyone ever gone, oh, yum? Oh, brilliant, I was really hoping I'd get that.
24:34 Speaker 01 The surprise one, I, I got, I, I ordered a takeaway and there was a little brown paper bag and they'd written in felt tip on it, "You are loved."
24:47 Speaker 01 And I opened it, and it was the brownest, mankiest apple I've ever seen in my life.
24:52 Speaker 02 I've had that happen to me. It's from a place, it's like Middle Eastern wraps or something.
24:57 Speaker 01 Yeah, it was, it was, it was a...
24:59 Speaker 02 And it was a weird apple. And they wrote, yes!
25:02 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's that, I think this is the same place. It was Jacob's Kitchen, actually.
25:05 Speaker 02 Yes, it is that!
25:08 Speaker 02 We are the only two people that's ever happened to...
25:11 Speaker 00 You are loved.
25:11 Speaker 01 I like Jacob's Kitchen, but they've got to stop the apple thing, because I didn't feel loved when I saw that apple.
25:16 Speaker 00 I got back to you guys, that was anthrax.
25:20 Speaker 00 You're falling for it when they're putting "You are loved" on it, you fucking suckers. You are loved.
25:27 Speaker 02 It's all adding up.
25:28 Speaker 00 So they're pulling that trick on multiple people then, the "You are loved" and then offloading their manky apples.
25:33 Speaker 02 But I felt annoyed because I did, it was a manky apple that I didn't want, and I felt shamed by it.
25:37 Speaker 00 Yeah, because then you couldn't return their love, because they want you to send the core back.
25:41 Speaker 02 We should go to Jacob's Kitchen with so many apples and be like, "You're loved, you're loved." Just to see what happens.
25:47 Speaker 01 I immediately took a photo of it, the disgusting apple next to the "You are loved" bag, and I sent it to Joe Lycett and asked him if he could do a painting of it. Still hasn't done it yet, but it's a very Joe Lycett style painting.
25:59 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
26:00 Speaker 02 But you ever were eating a shawarma and go, "God, I'd really love an old apple"?
26:04 Speaker 01 I'd really go nice with this. Do you want this, so I'm going to give you a choice here. Do you want to be the one bursting through the giant poppadom? Or do you want Siobhan to do that? Because Siobhan has said that she does that and then eats it throughout the meal, so technically, her meal is Siobhan has jumped through the poppadom and smashed it up. But obviously you can do it as well. Who would you rather?
26:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, I would like Siobhan to do it, because as I said, I used to work with her for five months in a row and then go home and watch her on the television, so I'd watch her pretty much do anything.
26:35 Speaker 01 Yeah.
26:35 Speaker 02 And she'd know she'd be good at it, and she'd tell you, so I would enjoy the whole experience.
26:40 Speaker 01 She said she'd want to clean herself beforehand, so it was, and this is the phrase she used, "to not make dirty."
26:45 Speaker 00 Yes.
26:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, okay, that, yeah, that's the least I would hope for, so yes, please.
26:49 Speaker 01 You don't want Siobhan to make dirty poppadom?
26:52 Speaker 02 Absolutely not. And I never have. I would like that to be on the record.
26:56 Speaker 00 Mother's Irish Soda Bread. Band and Coop Butter, have you had that before?
27:00 Speaker 02 That's a cork thing.
27:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
27:02 Speaker 02 Um, I have not had it. I don't, I will agree that I don't like English butter.
27:09 Speaker 00 That's fair.
27:10 Speaker 02 Do all you want, you're incorrect.
27:12 Speaker 00 There's a lot of very-
27:13 Speaker 02 It's all about the Irish butter.
27:14 Speaker 00 Proud English people here today.
27:16 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's, it's, but it's like, I remember like, I have some Lurpak in my fridge and I'm just like, what is this? White.
27:23 Speaker 00 I don't think that's English, is it?
27:24 Speaker 02 Lurpak, oh, it's Danish, isn't it?
27:26 Speaker 00 It's Danish, isn't it?
27:26 Speaker 02 But English people like Lurpak. I feel confident making that broad statement, yes?
27:30 Speaker 00 Well, Lurpak's very, Lurpak's very popular here. I've got Lurpak in the fridge, I'm ashamed to admit.
27:35 Speaker 02 Well, why don't you have like Kerrygold or this Canet Gold?
27:39 Speaker 00 Well, look, I'm gonna be honest with you. Uh, butter is quite often, it's, it needs to be convenient. I need to be able to spread it straight away. Lurpak's spreadable, I'm using. The Kerrygold, you get it out of the fridge, you have to leave it for six hours before it's not a house brick.
27:52 Speaker 02 But you need, you need a butter dish.
27:54 Speaker 00 I do need a butter dish, but I feel weird about leaving dairy out of the fridge all day.
27:58 Speaker 02 It's got so much salt in it.
27:59 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:00 Speaker 02 Also, just growing up, we always had it out and people questioned, like, is that safe? I'm like, I assume so, I'm not dead.
28:05 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:05 Speaker 02 I think it's fine, right? Yeah.
28:09 Speaker 00 Well, um, I believe Siobhan's butter, the, uh, the Band and Coop Butter.
28:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:14 Speaker 00 She said was, there's something about the constituent parts of it that means you can put it in the fridge and it stays soft in the fridge. And it's the only butter in the world that can do that.
28:23 Speaker 02 I feel worried about it. Do you feel worried about it?
28:25 Speaker 01 That sounds great, no?
28:26 Speaker 02 But is it chemicals?
28:28 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm worried about it.
28:29 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:31 Speaker 00 Oh, no, no, I'm worried about it. You guys are very worried about chemical attacks.
28:35 Speaker 01 There might be anthrax in this butter.
28:36 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's mainly about anthrax. No, I think-
28:40 Speaker 00 I don't know. I've just remembered a Chemical Alley. Do you remember Chemical Alley? You don't hear from that guy anymore.
28:45 Speaker 02 That sounds familiar.
28:46 Speaker 01 What's Chemical Alley?
28:47 Speaker 00 He was one of the, uh, bad lads from the papers. What, what, what? I can't remember which regime. Benita, pull up a picture of Chemical Ali.
28:54 Speaker 02 Yeah.
28:55 Speaker 00 Does anyone else remember Chemical Ali?
28:59 Speaker 00 He's dead, is he? Cool, cheers.
29:03 Speaker 00 Which, which one, which, which side was he on? Iraq.
29:07 Speaker 02 Okay.
29:08 Speaker 00 Yeah, Chemical Ali. I just don't think we should give those guys a nickname. Yeah, that encourages.
29:15 Speaker 02 Especially a really cool one, like that.
29:16 Speaker 00 It's a fucking cool nickname, Chemical Ali.
29:18 Speaker 02 He was, he was with all his friends, he's like, guys, they're calling me... It's so stupid, it's so stupid, they're calling me Chemical Ali, like, you guys shouldn't ever call me that, but if you do, I'll get why you're doing it.
29:29 Speaker 02 Like, I could wear it on a t-shirt, but I won't, I won't, but I might, like...
29:32 Speaker 00 I was thinking I might write to the Chemical Brothers and see if I can join.
29:35 Speaker 02 Have you ever tried to, to give yourself a nickname?
29:37 Speaker 00 Yeah.
29:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's a terrible experience.
29:39 Speaker 00 Me and my, me and my friend Henry Bott, when we were at school, I knew you'd like that. Henry Bott, of course, I like that. When we were at school, we used to watch The Bill every...
29:49 Speaker 02 Sure.
29:50 Speaker 00 I think it was three times a week, maybe, maybe twice a week. We used to watch The Bill all the time, and then we were like, we wanna, we wanna be like cool detectives, like The Bill.
29:57 Speaker 02 Of course.
29:57 Speaker 00 Because they were all the coolest.
29:58 Speaker 02 Really cool.
29:59 Speaker 00 The coolest police.
29:59 Speaker 02 Pretty cool, yeah.
30:00 Speaker 00 So we decided to make some criminal files on, for ourselves and then for the criminals that we were chasing.
30:07 Speaker 02 Sure.
30:08 Speaker 00 So that, we didn't have nicknames within that, but we also had separate nicknames because we watched the film Three Ninjas Hinden at Mega Mountain, which was an absolute classic, some of Hulk Hogan's finest work. And they had nicknames in that, and so he was, his nickname was Hands, because he said he was good at catching, and my nickname was Blade.
30:29 Speaker 00 And we tried it for one day at school, I remember the day where we were like, call each other that, and then other people would pick up on it, and I was like, hey Hands! And he went, alright Blade, and then we both sort of went, ugh.
30:39 Speaker 02 Yeah.
30:40 Speaker 00 We're like, we're not doing that. So, hold on, his name was Hands because he was good at catching? Yeah. Why were you Blade? I don't, I don't think I got that far, I think I'd quite like to have carried a knife. Yeah. Like a switchblade sort of thing.
30:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
30:53 Speaker 00 That was the sort of thing I was into, yeah. And, sorry, just to be clear again. Yeah. The story about The Bill is irrelevant.
31:00 Speaker 02 I liked it.
31:01 Speaker 01 Yeah, did you see the pivot halfway through where I remembered that it wasn't to do with that? And I'd actually revealed far too much because I didn't actually want to go into the bill thing. Because very few policemen keep their criminal records in a Dennis the Menace folder.
31:14 Speaker 02 Were you in the fan club?
31:15 Speaker 01 Yeah, big time.
31:16 Speaker 02 Me too.
31:17 Speaker 01 Loved the bit of the fan club.
31:20 Speaker 02 Any nicknames that you tried to make happen?
31:22 Speaker 01 No, I never tried to get a nickname going. I really desperately wanted people to give me a nickname. But I remember in music class once, Mr Taylor, on the first day of music in year seven, was like, "When you go around the room and you all want to make your names into a jingle, into songs, to show that this music, you know, get you thinking musically, I will learn everyone's names that way." And it got to me, and he said, "You can use nicknames if you want." I was like, "Right, I've got to think of, I can't just say James. How pathetic." I was like, "Right, I've got to think of a nickname." So it got to me, and I went, "Aki Aki Aki!"
32:03 Speaker 01 And it was like, just frozen, going, "I need to change schools."
32:10 Speaker 00 Aki Aki Aki?
32:11 Speaker 01 Aki Aki Aki.
32:12 Speaker 00 So was Aki going to be your nickname, or was it Aggie Aggie Aggie every time?
32:15 Speaker 01 Aki, not Aggie.
32:16 Speaker 02 Aki, like A-Caster.
32:19 Speaker 00 It sounds like Aggie Aggie Aggie, man. Anyone else think they heard Aggie Aggie Aggie?
32:24 Speaker 01 Hmm, is the dress blue?
32:31 Speaker 00 Aggie Aggie Aggie.
32:31 Speaker 01 Aki was, I was trying to get going, which is not really a cool name.
32:35 Speaker 00 No.
32:35 Speaker 01 I'm so Aki.
32:38 Speaker 01 It becomes a good nickname now after I've run around the stage and can't get my breath back.
32:42 Speaker 00 What about you, what about you, Nicola? Did you?
32:44 Speaker 02 I really wanted to, I just didn't know how to do it. But then, you know, everyone got their first emails, when they were 13, 14, and I was like, "This is it, this is my chance." And for some reason, I enjoyed the Sugababes, right? I wasn't a huge fan of them, it's really important that you know that. So my first email was suga, S-U-G-A, underscore, nicky, at hotmail.com.
33:08 Speaker 00 Beautiful.
33:08 Speaker 02 And I was like, "Sugarnicky." Do you think I ever uttered those words out of the embarrassment? No, I couldn't, but I really felt like I could do something with that, and it never, it never went anywhere.
33:18 Speaker 01 Oh, Jammy Rock. Jammy Rock at Yahoo.
33:24 Speaker 00 [email protected] .
33:29 Speaker 00 Today's episode of the Off Menu podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.
33:35 Speaker 01 Ah, man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan, do you know what I mean?
33:41 Speaker 00 I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofas, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast, but you know what? We very rarely talk about where we want to eat this dream meal.
34:00 Speaker 01 Sure, yeah, I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the set in, the vibe. And Cozy's modular customisable furniture for the whole home does just that.
34:11 Speaker 00 And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room. And I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful, cosy table, linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James, you're a mucky pup.
34:33 Speaker 01 I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the Cozy furniture?
34:36 Speaker 00 No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs, you telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere, don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.
34:48 Speaker 01 Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?
34:52 Speaker 00 Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well. And that's where Cozy comes in.
35:08 Speaker 01 And because it's Cozy, the furniture isn't just good looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers and free design consultations if you want help making the whole room work.
35:20 Speaker 00 And it's easy to order, ship and assemble and maintain, James. The only way is the Cozy way.
35:26 Speaker 01 Visit Cozy today, that's C-O-Z-E-Y dot com and make yourself at home.
35:33 Speaker 00 Your starter when you came on.
35:36 Speaker 02 Was garlic crab claws in butter. That's nice. They're so good. I've had them many times since. Real good. Uh, but that's not what we're getting today. You're getting Siobhan McSweeney's starter, which is crab claws. No. From the summer of nineteen ninety-six and we like them throughout the meal as well. I like this throughout the meal. Did you know that you and Siobhan have the same dream starter? No.
36:02 Speaker 00 That's the first time this has happened.
36:04 Speaker 02 Really?
36:04 Speaker 00 It's pretty exciting.
36:05 Speaker 02 I quite, we had them together. We had them in West Cork together. Wow. But not the same ones for mine, but they were garlicky buttery crab claws and some Irish soda bread. Possibly with that butter. Where am I? What's going on? Yeah, they're just so good. We were quite hungover and we had them. It's, you know, like it's just a demented hungover meal that you would never eat again, but at the time you're like, there's no better combination than this. Yeah. So it was garlic crab claws, wedges and curry sauce. It was absolutely fantastic. That sounds really good. It was thrilling. Yeah, I loved it. That does sound good. Oh, this is brilliant. When, when you and Siobhan were eating the crab claws together? Yeah. Um, were you sharing a big bowl of them or were you just like?
36:50 Speaker 02 We were just quite hungover because we, West Cork is an amazingly beautiful place, but it's quite remote. So we went to this pub that Siobhan knew the guy that owned it and then we ended up there past closing. And then we'd been given a number of like, oh, here's, that's Paddy's number now. He's led you a ring when this is, this is done and bring you home. And then we were like, um, we had no reception. So we were like, can we use the landline to ring Paddy? And they're like, whose number do you have? Paddy. I should know. Paddy goes to bed at ten P M. No, you won't get Paddy. And we were like, oh, okay. And so I was like, that's it. Now we're here. We're stuck here. So we were in this pub. And we were there until like six A M. And Siobhan was singing, but Paddy was in bed.
37:31 Speaker 02 So nobody could come and get us. And so the next day was when we were eating. So it was somewhat non-verbal, I would say. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. It'd been a pretty, we, we had that when we were on the run. Yeah.
37:41 Speaker 00 Yeah, when, when we did Celebrity Hunted.
37:43 Speaker 02 Was that the most stressful thing in the world?
37:46 Speaker 00 Yeah, and we showed it, you know, we really, we committed so hard to it, Nick. So it was, it was pretty full on.
37:51 Speaker 02 Did they really not? I haven't seen it.
37:54 Speaker 00 What do you, what, what do you reckon? Do you think we committed to it or do you think we horsed around like a couple of goofballs?
37:58 Speaker 02 I think maybe the latter.
37:59 Speaker 00 Yeah, I think so.
38:00 Speaker 02 I would enjoy that.
38:01 Speaker 00 Messed around like a couple of lunkheads for the whole thing.
38:04 Speaker 02 Some other people.
38:05 Speaker 01 Took it quite seriously.
38:06 Speaker 00 Yeah.
38:06 Speaker 01 Um, and it probably was quite stressful for them. Um, but like most of us, I think pretty much everyone on that series wasn't taking it seriously. It was the first series where everyone got caught.
38:15 Speaker 00 Yes.
38:16 Speaker 02 Oh, fantastic.
38:18 Speaker 01 But we, we, we lay low in a pub one night and um, I'm really, really glad they didn't use any of that footage. So I remember we had to do a diary at the end of the day.
38:28 Speaker 00 Yeah.
38:28 Speaker 02 Oh, no.
38:29 Speaker 01 At the end of every day, do a diary. Ed and I had just gone to hotel bed. And I, I, I, I dread to think what we were saying. Would have been awful with the, with the director just, just as drunk as us.
38:45 Speaker 02 Do you think that the people, like the crews, really sometimes just get sick of people and give like the team clues as to where they are? They're like, they're in the services on the M6, like, just come on, I'm done.
38:55 Speaker 00 One hundred percent. It's so funny how excited the hunters are to catch you as well. They're so invested in it. They like chased me down the street and got me, they're like, yes, we got you, Garmour, in your face. I'm like, I, I've been pissing about for a week.
39:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
39:06 Speaker 00 How, how did you not get me immediately? We were released from Shrewsbury Prison and the first thing we did was went to a restaurant in Shrewsbury.
39:15 Speaker 00 This is not difficult, guys.
39:16 Speaker 02 You know, sometimes you realise like how different people are to you. You're like, I couldn't be excited or care or want to hunt someone. Like, have you watched Alone? Has anyone watched that show where they basically drop people into the wilderness to survive? And the men are always like, I think I'm going to be amazing at this. And they think you're like, yeah, my wife probably needs me to come back now. And the women have built like a tiny village and they're like, so, you know, this is all fine.
39:38 Speaker 00 Yeah.
39:38 Speaker 02 But also those people, I'm like, I would never want to do that. If they're like, we're going to drop you in the Canadian wilderness. I'm like, no, you're not.
39:43 Speaker 01 You wouldn't do it?
39:43 Speaker 02 Would I? No.
39:45 Speaker 01 Would you do any of those shows?
39:46 Speaker 02 No.
39:47 Speaker 01 You would do Hunted?
39:48 Speaker 02 No. I want to be on the couch. It's so nice. I'm good.
39:53 Speaker 00 You do, so you do Gogglebox?
39:55 Speaker 02 Oh, maybe.
39:57 Speaker 00 That's literally what you described.
39:58 Speaker 02 I don't want to work, I think is what I've realised. Try to make me work and I want to have a break. I think this is what I'm getting at in my brain.
40:04 Speaker 00 Have you seen that show Naked and Afraid? Do you know this show?
40:07 Speaker 02 I've heard of it. I've not seen it.
40:08 Speaker 00 It's where they drop them into the mid, middle of the wilderness, but the twist is they're butt naked.
40:14 Speaker 02 I bet the men get sepsis like immediately, just by looking at something.
40:18 Speaker 00 People get really ill.
40:19 Speaker 02 They have to just take, the, the women are like down to tiny twigs and they're like singing along and they're really psychologically, the men just die. Not literally, but very nearly.
40:30 Speaker 00 I would never do a show like that.
40:32 Speaker 01 Naked and afraid?
40:33 Speaker 00 No, also I'm diabetic, I'd last one episode. Be like, "You're not allowed anything, you gotta be completely naked." "Not even my insulin, get out there, naked boy."
40:42 Speaker 01 I'd like to do just the normal...
40:44 Speaker 02 Alone?
40:45 Speaker 01 Naked attractions, still, I think?
40:48 Speaker 00 A normal, a normal...
40:49 Speaker 01 The normal one, not the celebrity one. But like...
40:54 Speaker 00 I don't, there's, there's two versions of naked attraction they've never done. Celebrity and junior, those are the...
41:03 Speaker 01 They should do a celebrity one, because then it would be like, you don't know who it is until the end.
41:07 Speaker 02 Who do you think they get at it? And I was like, "That's a really damning indictment, whoever you might say."
41:11 Speaker 01 Straight away, as soon as they see your dick, that's James.
41:14 Speaker 00 Yeah.
41:16 Speaker 00 You see the feet, James Acaster's dad.
41:20 Speaker 00 That's pistachios, baby.
41:21 Speaker 01 A little pistachio feet, gross.
41:25 Speaker 01 Um, so, your main course that you chose was Robbie Williams' Stoke-on-Trent mystery rap, but we know what it is now.
41:32 Speaker 00 Have you, have you met Robbie Williams since? Have you interacted with him?
41:35 Speaker 02 No, I've never met any Take That.
41:36 Speaker 00 Oh, that would be exciting though if you... One day it's gonna happen and you have to bring up the oatcake.
41:41 Speaker 02 But I, like, as a child, didn't realise, like, how homoerotic those videos were. Do you know, there was one of them, do you remember, like, the first one was like, "Do what you like", and there was like, a band first video in which they were getting their bums washed by a mop?
41:53 Speaker 00 Yeah.
41:54 Speaker 01 What?
41:55 Speaker 00 That's the first, that's the first Take That video.
41:56 Speaker 02 I swear to God.
41:57 Speaker 00 Benito, pull that up, put it on the big screen.
41:59 Speaker 02 Yeah, and then they made a more PG version of it, where they didn't have their bums out. But as a child, you're like, "This is brilliant." Sure.
42:08 Speaker 01 That just makes me think they got really dirty bums.
42:11 Speaker 02 Yeah, I know.
42:13 Speaker 01 It's not sexy. What Take That was everyone's dream man.
42:17 Speaker 00 Some people would probably find it sexy to have a dirty bum and wash it with a mop.
42:22 Speaker 02 There's a shoe for every foot.
42:24 Speaker 00 Yeah.
42:25 Speaker 01 Yeah, I, I agree.
42:26 Speaker 00 Yeah, James, there's a shoe for every foot.
42:27 Speaker 01 Yes, I know there's a shoe for every foot, and I'm sure that people, there are people out there who love... A dirty bum washed with a mop. But it surprises me that they achieved such mainstream success.
42:41 Speaker 01 I'm gonna make it with that many people.
42:42 Speaker 02 And that was the debut single as well.
42:43 Speaker 01 Yeah. Good on them.
42:46 Speaker 00 Who was, can you remember in the video, because I can't quite remember all the details. Who was the mop?
42:51 Speaker 02 I wanna say Gary Barlow, I haven't seen it in a very-
42:53 Speaker 00 So was Gary Barlow fully clothed cleaning the other guy's bum?
42:56 Speaker 02 I think. Does that, can anyone verify that? I don't know whether that's... Gary was mopping the bums.
43:02 Speaker 01 Of course he would.
43:03 Speaker 02 Which is not a thing I, this morning I woke up and thought I would say on stage at the Royal Albert Hall.
43:07 Speaker 00 Did Gary, was Gary, did Gary have trousers on? Oh, so his bum was out as well?
43:13 Speaker 02 Who, who was holding the mop? A lady.
43:17 Speaker 00 No, you just said Gary was holding, so did Gary then mop his own bum?
43:23 Speaker 00 Fascinating. We'll find that when Benita puts it on the big screen at the end of the show.
43:27 Speaker 01 Like a witch on a broomstick.
43:28 Speaker 00 Yeah.
43:35 Speaker 02 They're all in a line on the ground, I can't stop seeing it.
43:39 Speaker 00 He does it now, he still does it live, Gary Barlow, but it's when he's singing a million love songs. Benita, get us a mop for the end of the show as well.
43:46 Speaker 01 Get us a mop, we're gonna wash our bums.
43:50 Speaker 01 Um, Siobhan McSweeney's dream main course, which you will be eating, is sausage and chips with chef's ketchup from Skip-
43:58 Speaker 00 Skipperine?
43:59 Speaker 01 Skipperine, old folks home, and a cup of wa, cup of tea, Barry's tea bag.
44:06 Speaker 01 Now, talk water, one spoonful of semi-skimmed milk.
44:10 Speaker 02 Well, I hate it.
44:11 Speaker 01 You hate it?
44:12 Speaker 02 I think it's rubbish.
44:14 Speaker 01 Why do you hate this? Why don't you like sausage and chips with chef's ketchup from Skipperine, old folks home?
44:20 Speaker 02 I feel like almost the question doesn't need to be asked, I feel like it answers itself. I don't also, don't eat pork, which I explained why the last time I spoke to you guys, which is genuinely because I saw a video of a pig in a sink having a bath, a baby pig. And it was so cute that I literally, viscerally went, I can never eat pork again. And that was like about eight years ago.
44:39 Speaker 00 Gary Barlow washing his bum with a mop.
44:43 Speaker 02 I'll never mop a bum again.
44:47 Speaker 02 I can't have the sausage, I'm so mashed. Why, oh yeah, she kind of, did she live in an old folk song for a bit? She did, that's why.
44:55 Speaker 01 She lived there.
44:56 Speaker 02 She hurt her leg and she lived in an old folk song.
44:58 Speaker 01 Yes.
44:59 Speaker 02 Siobhan's Laura's. When that memo come, memo, memo.
45:03 Speaker 00 She really busted her leg up. She really busted her leg up, didn't she?
45:06 Speaker 02 She really busted her leg up, yeah. And she'll show you the pictures and it's, you have to, because it's, you can't be like, you have to be like, oh, so awful. But it's like, it looks like, but she's great now.
45:17 Speaker 01 She's great now.
45:17 Speaker 02 She could plank for ages, so I know, she's plank every day.
45:21 Speaker 01 Oh, really?
45:22 Speaker 02 She's, she's a serious planker.
45:25 Speaker 01 Have you seen her plank?
45:26 Speaker 02 Does that, have I seen her plank?
45:28 Speaker 01 With your own eyes?
45:29 Speaker 02 Every day on the plane, she do, she'll go, "Torture second plank", and make everyone get on the ground, and sometimes I just run away. I didn't want to do it.
45:36 Speaker 01 What, in the aisle on the plane?
45:38 Speaker 02 Um, not during the plane.
45:40 Speaker 00 Play, sorry, Nicola, you're saying play, James thinks you're saying plane. I'm watching it all unfold. It's fantastic to watch this happen.
45:51 Speaker 01 Well, you can't plank on a plane, sure.
45:55 Speaker 00 Some people do, man, you need to see people on long haul flights doing like full yoga in the, in the galley area.
46:00 Speaker 02 Yeah, but remember planking as well?
46:02 Speaker 01 Yeah.
46:02 Speaker 02 What was that about? What were we all thinking?
46:04 Speaker 00 Yeah, but was that, that wasn't like the exercise planking?
46:07 Speaker 02 No, it was just lying flat on a thing.
46:08 Speaker 00 Fucking stupid.
46:11 Speaker 02 Or was it? Should we bring it back?
46:14 Speaker 01 Oh yeah, so hold on, so it wasn't actually core strength, it was just lying flat on stuff?
46:19 Speaker 02 Just lying flat on the thing.
46:19 Speaker 01 I'm a plank.
46:21 Speaker 02 Yes, she did do that, she did do real planks.
46:23 Speaker 01 This is important to, you know, right now, state of the world, there's a lot of stuff that we despair over, but it's good to remember that we've got through, you know, not worse, but bad things.
46:35 Speaker 02 The Harlem Shake.
46:36 Speaker 01 That are no longer a part of our lives. So if we can get through people pretending to be plants for no reason.
46:42 Speaker 02 Yeah.
46:42 Speaker 01 Hopefully we can get through.
46:44 Speaker 02 This too shall pass.
46:46 Speaker 01 Nothing springs to mind that's funny.
46:52 Speaker 01 What about the Barry's tea bag? Surely you like that?
46:56 Speaker 02 I'm so annoyed. I was gonna... I'm very sensitive to caffeine. I'm very sensitive to caffeine.
47:00 Speaker 01 Very sensitive.
47:01 Speaker 02 And she likes these specific Barry's tea bags that are like, it's like the strong blend black Barry's tea.
47:07 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
47:07 Speaker 02 Um, so that would make me have the shakes.
47:10 Speaker 01 Do you have any caffeine ever, or do you avoid it completely?
47:12 Speaker 02 I have like a Diet Coke in the afternoon. That's about the height of it. If I have a caffeinated coffee, I'm like, I'm gonna die. Just usually I'm about to die and I'll sweat and it's just not fun.
47:23 Speaker 00 I'll drink it before bed. I drink, I drink coffee before bed.
47:26 Speaker 02 ADHD?
47:27 Speaker 00 Well, undiagnosed, but...
47:30 Speaker 02 But yeah.
47:30 Speaker 00 I'd rather just li- you know, keep having my coffee before bed.
47:34 Speaker 02 What kind of coffee is it? Americano?
47:37 Speaker 00 Yeah, no, like a sort of espresso, like a double espresso. I'll have it after a meal and then go home and go to bed. I mean, you can call it ADHD. I can call it being a fucking legend.
47:47 Speaker 01 Uh oh, Blade has joined the chat.
47:54 Speaker 02 Akey coming up the rear. The zingers.
47:59 Speaker 00 I can, you can welcome Blade into the chat if you like.
48:01 Speaker 01 Hello Blade, welcome to the chat.
48:05 Speaker 00 Yeah, what's up?
48:06 Speaker 01 What's your dream man course, Blade?
48:08 Speaker 00 Pussy.
48:22 Speaker 01 Real shame, nah?
48:25 Speaker 00 Blade's gone now, by the way. Blade's gone.
48:27 Speaker 01 Oh yeah?
48:27 Speaker 00 Don't ask him the rest of his courses, because they're remarkably similar.
48:33 Speaker 01 The cup of tea was made with cork water.
48:35 Speaker 02 Oh, is that my... Well, no, London water is terrible, isn't it?
48:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:39 Speaker 02 It's really hard water and it's really bad.
48:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, really bad.
48:42 Speaker 02 I know Edinburgh water is pretty amazing. You know when you're at the fringe? You're like, it's really good stuff. Your hair, you're like, oh my god, I'm a mermaid. And then you come back here and it's all sort of... So, okay, I can get along with the water. Fine, I won't have grip with that.
48:56 Speaker 01 And the one spoonful of semi-skimmed milk.
48:58 Speaker 02 Is she measuring it out in a spoon?
49:00 Speaker 01 Yeah.
49:01 Speaker 02 She's mad. What's she doing?
49:03 Speaker 01 Right, it's a very precise cup of tea there.
49:05 Speaker 02 Very precise. That's... Do I have to eat it in an old folks' home as well?
49:10 Speaker 00 I think so.
49:11 Speaker 01 It's from the old folks' home.
49:12 Speaker 02 From the old folks' home.
49:13 Speaker 01 But you can go there. I mean, I'm sure you'd like to go and see the old folks' home where your friend got better.
49:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, sure. Why not? And she often would send pictures of in the show and even what she was having. She would have like an egg and a piece of bread and we'd all go, oh, that looks lovely, Siobhan. Sometimes you really know what to say. Or like, she'll be like, here's some cheese. You'd be like, oh, brilliant. I was like, yeah.
49:36 Speaker 01 Who's on this group chat?
49:38 Speaker 02 The cast of the play, The Playboy of the Western World that we just did.
49:41 Speaker 00 Have you got Bridgerton group chat as well?
49:43 Speaker 02 There's different ones every season. So the new season is starting filming soon. I was nearly about to say when and then I realised someone from Netflix would be like, shut up! At some point in the future, there will be a new season, but there's a new one every season.
49:58 Speaker 00 Amazing.
49:58 Speaker 02 Yeah.
49:59 Speaker 00 And is the icon on the WhatsApp group, is it the person who the season's following?
50:03 Speaker 02 Yes. It's generally like a weird, when it was the season I was the lead on, it was a picture of me holding a little dog and the dog's face was Luke Newton, who was my co-star.
50:13 Speaker 00 Yeah, nice.
50:14 Speaker 02 And the previous season was a similar thing. It was Siobhan Ashley as the Queen of England with Johnny Bailey as a corgi dog with his face. Season one was probably something a bit more serious. And then season four didn't have a picture.
50:26 Speaker 00 Oh, that's a shame.
50:27 Speaker 02 I know. Season five, who knows? Open for suggestions.
50:31 Speaker 00 Who knows?
50:32 Speaker 02 Who knows?
50:33 Speaker 01 Season four, were you all starting to lose enthusiasm for the show, do you think?
50:39 Speaker 02 Absolutely not. I think it was just a lot of new people that, and no one felt confident enough to sort of pick a group photo.
50:47 Speaker 00 What would you do if you haven't seen the script yet? And then you go on the new group and the picture is of Blade?
50:55 Speaker 02 Yeah, his new gentleman has come to town. What's up, Bridgerton? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would really love that. It would be great. Coming on a motorbike, we just don't explain it. It's an anachronism, we're like, and what? It's Bridgerton, guys. We can do what we want.
51:12 Speaker 00 Now, the side dish, you had the bangerang loops, this is supposed to get in locked out.
51:17 Speaker 02 Yeah, you can see things took a turn.
51:19 Speaker 00 Um, now, we told Bonito we didn't need to make a slide for this, but he's done it anyway. So, side dish included with main.
51:29 Speaker 02 That is so chavot. Well, I've told you. I've told you what it was.
51:32 Speaker 00 Yeah.
51:33 Speaker 02 I just don't know why I'd have to say it again, yeah. So that's okay.
51:35 Speaker 00 So, straight on to the drink.
51:38 Speaker 02 Like, it's a dream restaurant, so she can have literally...
51:40 Speaker 00 Yeah.
51:41 Speaker 02 Anything.
51:42 Speaker 00 It's included with the main.
51:43 Speaker 01 It could be the main.
51:43 Speaker 02 Perfect.
51:44 Speaker 00 I was gonna ask another quick question about Bridgerton.
51:46 Speaker 02 Yes, please.
51:47 Speaker 00 Are you aware that you've ruined most weddings I've been to? Because now everyone uses the string quartet music playing pop hits.
51:53 Speaker 02 This is...
51:54 Speaker 00 Everyone at every fucking wedding.
51:55 Speaker 02 Yes, this is what I think of. I'm like, if I get married, my wedding music is gonna have to be like screamo, like, something. It's gonna have to be so un-Bridgerton, I'll feel like I'm at work. Do you know what I'm saying?
52:05 Speaker 00 Just so no one ever has to listen to Pokerface played on a violin again.
52:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'm gonna have to wear like a Mr Blobby suit. Everyone's gonna have to, there's gonna be no flowers. Or I'm gonna be like, oh, another day at the studio, yeah.
52:17 Speaker 00 It's gonna have to be like a German brutalist style wedding, there can be...
52:20 Speaker 02 Well, I will tell you the shock I had, because we don't know what songs they're gonna pick.
52:23 Speaker 00 Yeah.
52:23 Speaker 02 And there was this scene we filmed, which is like a big intimacy proposal scene in a carriage. And I watched it for the first time and I was like, I wonder what song that is? Is that Pitbull?
52:36 Speaker 02 Okay, right, and now that song will follow me till the day I die.
52:40 Speaker 00 Yeah, that scene was man, man. Me and my wife had to shut the blinds in our living room.
52:44 Speaker 02 Yeah. Imagine your mother trying to watch it and you're like, "Ha, ha, ha, ha, go away."
52:49 Speaker 00 Yes, he's called Pitbull. Ignore what's going on on the screen. Listen to the tunes.
52:54 Speaker 02 Give me everything tonight. Beautiful. Yeah.
52:57 Speaker 01 Disgusting.
52:58 Speaker 02 I know, I'm sorry.
53:00 Speaker 00 Sorry, James is-
53:01 Speaker 02 Shame, shame.
53:02 Speaker 00 James is a prude.
53:04 Speaker 02 Oh, don't be watching that then.
53:06 Speaker 01 No.
53:06 Speaker 02 No, no, no.
53:07 Speaker 01 No, thank you. Revolting. Be ashamed of yourselves. Sully and the good name of Netflix.
53:18 Speaker 01 You had a basil margarita as your drink?
53:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, delicious.
53:22 Speaker 01 Siobhan McSweeney chose a frozen margarita with chili Doritos, duds.
53:27 Speaker 02 Hey, Doritos? What? I celebrated too soon.
53:31 Speaker 01 Ew. So, you know, with a frozen margarita or any margarita, you can go get the salt round the rim or the chili salt. Siobhan wants the dust from the bottom of a Doritos packet.
53:45 Speaker 01 As that salt.
53:45 Speaker 02 Is she thinking about, like, tahin, the, like, smoky spicy salt, or does she genuinely want?
53:50 Speaker 00 I think she genuinely-
53:51 Speaker 01 No, just the end of the... It's the dust at the end of it.
53:53 Speaker 02 Why am I even questioning? She's a woman who knows what she wants. Well, no, what? That's crunchy. That's, that's the, that's the broken up ice that I'm over again. You're chewing your drink.
54:02 Speaker 00 Yeah. I quite like the idea of it, if I'm honest. I love tahin. I think that's cool. I don't know why it suddenly exploded.
54:10 Speaker 02 Yeah.
54:10 Speaker 00 Tahin's everywhere now. You can't get away from tahin. I've got a bottle of tahin. You'd recognise it. It comes in bottles. It's like-
54:17 Speaker 02 It's a funny shaped little bottle with a white lid and a green and red and white label. Maybe it makes, maybe it's the Mexican flag because it has the bird in it.
54:25 Speaker 00 Yeah.
54:26 Speaker 02 And then, and you shake it-
54:27 Speaker 01 There's a picture in a bottle of lemon juice. I can't get it out of my head.
54:29 Speaker 02 It's like this big. I was wondering, was she thinking of that and said, "Dust from Doritos," but no, that's what is what she wants.
54:36 Speaker 00 She wants dust from Doritos.
54:37 Speaker 02 Sure, okay.
54:37 Speaker 01 She wants the dust from a packet and just, like, roll the glass around in that. And then with every sip, you'll get some Dorito dust. Like that chili salty flavour.
54:46 Speaker 02 Yeah. I mean, I like a salty, a salty... You can't say I like a salty rim and I couldn't think of any other way to say it.
54:53 Speaker 00 It's the only way to say it.
54:54 Speaker 02 So it just had to come out. It was such an intrusion. I was like, "Just say salty rim."
54:57 Speaker 00 Don't say that around Blade.
55:00 Speaker 02 How do you know I haven't?
55:03 Speaker 02 But you often get that Joker salt, like, thing in your ear. Like, the more you have, you just sort of have that Chelsea smile, but it's just salt on your face.
55:11 Speaker 01 Chelsea's smile, what a beautiful reference.
55:14 Speaker 02 I'm pretty street and cool, yeah.
55:17 Speaker 01 Yeah, I know, I know what you mean. My dad ate some, like, chicken wings once and looked like the Joker from Dark Knight. That specific Joker. And my dad, just always too proud to it, so I said, "Dad, that's all over your face." He went, "Yeah, I know."
55:32 Speaker 02 That's the only way to deal with it.
55:33 Speaker 01 Might get rid of it.
55:34 Speaker 02 I was re-watching The Greatest Show in the World the other day, Vanderpump Rules. Have you ever seen it?
55:38 Speaker 00 Yes.
55:39 Speaker 02 Oh, my god, it's so...
55:40 Speaker 00 I've interviewed Lisa Vanderpump in her restaurant.
55:44 Speaker 02 Did you have a little bit of a crush?
55:46 Speaker 00 No, um...
55:48 Speaker 02 Incorrect answer, but continue.
55:49 Speaker 00 For context, at the time, I was doing a TV show where I had to pretend to be 51st in lines of The Throne.
55:54 Speaker 02 Yes, I know this.
55:55 Speaker 00 So, we interviewed Lisa Vanderpump. She's one of the only people who called us out that we were not real.
56:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
56:01 Speaker 00 And she was holding, her dog at the time was called Chiggy, which is...
56:04 Speaker 01 Chiggy?
56:05 Speaker 00 Yeah.
56:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
56:06 Speaker 00 Her dog was called Chiggy, R.I.P.
56:08 Speaker 01 My agent's name.
56:11 Speaker 02 You hate him?
56:11 Speaker 01 My agent is called Chiggy.
56:13 Speaker 02 Oh, I thought you said you hate him, but you hate the dead dog?
56:16 Speaker 01 No, I don't...
56:17 Speaker 02 The new Jessie Buckley, ladies and gentlemen.
56:19 Speaker 01 Yeah, the opposite, she hates alive cats, I hate dead dogs.
56:24 Speaker 00 Chiggy was one of those really fucked up dogs with, like, a tongue like lolling out. It did not look well when I, I didn't interview him, I interviewed Lisa Vanderpump. But, yeah, she really called us on it. She was like, "You're not, you're not members of the royal family, I know Earl Spencer." And said, "I'm going to go and call Earl Spencer." And the only other person who called us out was Gwyneth Paltrow's guru.
56:46 Speaker 02 Classic him.
56:47 Speaker 00 Shane, Shane and Derek, he called us out, because, to be fair, I did push it too far. He does a thing where he says, "I'm gonna get all the poison out of you." And I'd drunk loads of Pepsi Max before we filmed, so I did a massive burp in his face. And he said, "I will not be part of this, this is some sort of ab-fab." That was his only reference for comedy, was ab-fab.
57:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, it's pretty good, though.
57:05 Speaker 00 So, we left.
57:06 Speaker 01 Do you know, the twist is that Ed is a member of the royal family, to the extent that he's in the Epstein files.
57:13 Speaker 00 Excuse me, I'm not in The Epstein Files because I'm a member of the royal family. I earned my way into The Epstein Files.
57:22 Speaker 00 It's not nepotism, I worked hard.
57:25 Speaker 02 I was like, why did I bring that up? Someone on Vanderpump had a stain on their shoulder. And I was like, that's so stupid. And then the next day I got one in the exact same place. And I went, oh, look at me and my glass house.
57:37 Speaker 02 But it brought us on a beautiful journey, I'm glad.
57:39 Speaker 01 Yeah.
57:39 Speaker 02 Yeah.
57:40 Speaker 01 What is Vanderpump? What is that?
57:41 Speaker 02 Oh, it's so good! It's a reality show that's so good because it's basically based on a real group of friends who are all in relationships and friendships together. And it's just like a hotbed of misogyny and adultery. And it's 10 seas- well, it's more than 10, but anyway. But it's brilliant.
58:00 Speaker 01 Yeah.
58:01 Speaker 02 Every season you're like, I can't believe it's just, it's just so quotable.
58:05 Speaker 01 What's the best thing that's happened on Vanderpump Rules?
58:08 Speaker 02 There was a huge cheating scandal. A guy dated a girl for 10 years and cheated on her with her best friend. And his name is Tom Sandoval, so it was referred to as Scandival.
58:17 Speaker 00 Yeah.
58:17 Speaker 02 And when it explodes, it's crazy.
58:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
58:21 Speaker 02 She says to him, his ex-girlfriend now, says, "I want you to hear this from the mouth of the woman who loves you. You mean nothing." And it's like, oh, Shakespeare wishes!
58:34 Speaker 00 Lisa Vanderpump was one of the original Real Housewives of Beverly Hills as well.
58:38 Speaker 02 She's always like this, darling, like, she's sort of, she's like, "Oh no, come on, come on, Jackson, I can't be, yeah." I love her.
58:44 Speaker 01 I have heard of that.
58:46 Speaker 00 Yeah.
58:46 Speaker 02 Yeah, she was an offshoot of that, but it's, I dare I say, far better.
58:51 Speaker 00 Wow.
58:51 Speaker 01 Wow, that's rare.
58:53 Speaker 00 It's rare we get an exclusive on the pod, but that's gonna be splashed all over the tabloids.
58:56 Speaker 02 I don't even care, I'll just say it.
58:58 Speaker 01 It's like if Joey was better than Friends.
59:00 Speaker 02 It's, no, I resent that comparison. No, it's, it's its own thing. It reinvented the genre.
59:07 Speaker 01 Oh, it's not an offshoot like Joey was?
59:09 Speaker 02 Well, it is a bit, but not fully.
59:13 Speaker 01 Well, I think you're gonna like that. That drink, because it's basically the same.
59:18 Speaker 00 I had a cocktail the other night in New York, which was a white kimchi martini. So it was like the juice from white kimchi.
59:25 Speaker 01 Wow.
59:26 Speaker 00 With the booze and then chili oil. And you drank, it was like drinking a pot of chili oil. And every sip I had, I forgot what it was like and I went, oh.
59:36 Speaker 00 Completely changed my mind through every, halfway through every sip, yeah.
59:40 Speaker 02 Have you ever had like a cocktail with pickle juice?
59:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
59:42 Speaker 00 Yeah.
59:43 Speaker 02 Is it good?
59:44 Speaker 01 Real good, although actually the last time I did that, I was at Disneyland in California. And we could only find one place that did booze. And one of the things they did was like a pickle juice and beer thing. I was like, yeah, that'd be great. And the first sip was amazing, but then I did realise it was basically half and half.
1:00:04 Speaker 01 And there was a lot of pickle juice in that. And I, but I was so desperate for the booze at that point. That I was, I just drank the whole pint. So I had half a pint of pickle juice. With this beer.
1:00:15 Speaker 00 I love what a Brit abroad you turn into when you go away. You're just in Disney world going, yeah, most magical place in the earth. Where's the fucking booze at?
1:00:23 Speaker 01 There's a certain point where I can't take it anymore. It's the people in the outfits depress me.
1:00:29 Speaker 00 Hang on, what, what do you mean? Because.
1:00:32 Speaker 01 The characters coming out and everyone's like, oh, and they go, so magical. And I'm like, it's not magical. That's like a grown up baking inside of that.
1:00:43 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:00:43 Speaker 01 They're just like, and I just know that behind it, their face is so sad.
1:00:48 Speaker 02 But you know that you're not allowed to dress as a Disney character if you go to Disneyland, right? I didn't know this.
1:00:52 Speaker 01 You can't.
1:00:53 Speaker 02 Because, yeah, because if you're like rubbish Cinderella. That, you know, is like smoke and a fog and a child sees it, they'll cry. So that's why people wear the ears.
1:01:02 Speaker 00 Oh, instead of.
1:01:03 Speaker 02 Yeah, so you're like banned. And also if you're a princess or a prince or one of them things that they have.
1:01:09 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:01:09 Speaker 02 You are not allowed to ever break character.
1:01:12 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:01:13 Speaker 02 Ever.
1:01:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, I saw one of them who was like meant to be Alice. And she was, and it started raining and the actor started improvising going, oh, what is this? Tea from the sky? And I was like, Alice doesn't think that.
1:01:28 Speaker 01 Alice is from fucking world.
1:01:30 Speaker 00 She knows what rain is.
1:01:32 Speaker 01 You're being the mad hatter who might say that, but not Alice. Go and learn how to improvise before you stand around in the rain.
1:01:40 Speaker 00 I've got to go for a pint somewhere. Where does booze?
1:01:43 Speaker 01 I'll drink a pint of pickle juice.
1:01:44 Speaker 00 The only time my wife's been outwardly jealous of something that happened was was when we were at Disneyland in Japan and I met Daisy Duck. And after we had a photo, she came over to me and went, "She fancied you."
1:02:00 Speaker 00 I don't even know if it was a lady in that. You can't...
1:02:04 Speaker 01 You were wearing just a top and no bottoms.
1:02:07 Speaker 01 That's her type.
1:02:08 Speaker 02 My sister and I did get sort of giggly around the Mandalorian.
1:02:12 Speaker 00 Oh, really?
1:02:12 Speaker 02 Yeah. We were just sort of like, it was one of those things that we didn't quite say right away. And then he had the baby Yoda with him and stuff. And then we walked away and we were all a bit like,
1:02:23 Speaker 02 "Is the Mandalorian my boyfriend? Like, what?"
1:02:28 Speaker 01 This is the worst part. The worst part is when adults get excited to see them.
1:02:32 Speaker 02 To meet Mickey Mouse.
1:02:33 Speaker 01 Yeah, like someone will walk out dressed as Goofy and you'll see a grown-up go, "Goofy's here!" Goofy's not here. That's not Goofy. It's a sad man in an outfit who hates his life.
1:02:47 Speaker 01 It's not Goofy. I get excited like it's Goofy. But like, the people in the outfits think that everyone's that excited to see them. And I hate it when they interact with me. And they'll come over and be like, "Oh, like, don't, mate."
1:03:01 Speaker 01 "I'm here for the roller coasters." I like that bit.
1:03:04 Speaker 02 I brought my nieces and nephews to Disney and that started happening. They come over during your meals. But my nephew was maybe seven at the time, but he started getting up as if he was taking a photo for them. So they'd come over, like Cinderella would come over and he'd be like, "Oh, God."
1:03:23 Speaker 02 I was like, "You don't need to do this. You're good. You're fine."
1:03:25 Speaker 01 Let's go on to your dessert, shall we?
1:03:30 Speaker 01 Now, you wanted to have a hot apple tart with ice cream made by an old Irish woman.
1:03:35 Speaker 02 Stand by that.
1:03:36 Speaker 01 But you're gonna have Siobhan McSwing's dream dessert, which is a Black Forest gatto from the Black Forest, bracket "sneaked."
1:03:44 Speaker 02 Sneaked, please expand.
1:03:45 Speaker 01 Stolen. I think preferably from like some... Someone's windowsill or something.
1:03:50 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:03:51 Speaker 01 Although you wouldn't leave it to cool, I guess.
1:03:53 Speaker 00 No.
1:03:53 Speaker 01 A Black Forest Gatto.
1:03:55 Speaker 02 She sounds like a villain from a ladybird book, like she's scampering around.
1:03:59 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:03:59 Speaker 02 London.
1:04:00 Speaker 00 I could imagine her sneaking, sneaking a Black Forest Gatto.
1:04:02 Speaker 02 I absolutely can.
1:04:03 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:04:04 Speaker 02 But it's, I, it's a weird dessert, isn't it?
1:04:06 Speaker 01 Black Forest Gatto?
1:04:07 Speaker 02 A bit.
1:04:08 Speaker 00 I just heard someone go, no.
1:04:11 Speaker 01 No.
1:04:12 Speaker 02 I'm really sorry about, I'm really sorry about that.
1:04:14 Speaker 01 Why no? You like it? You love it? Is it your dream dessert?
1:04:19 Speaker 02 Oh.
1:04:20 Speaker 01 Look at that.
1:04:21 Speaker 02 I'm sorry.
1:04:22 Speaker 01 Is that your woman, Sweeney?
1:04:23 Speaker 02 But there's like chocolate and cream and cherries and.
1:04:27 Speaker 00 Booze?
1:04:28 Speaker 02 Booze.
1:04:28 Speaker 01 Oh my.
1:04:29 Speaker 02 I don't like, I don't have a boozy dessert.
1:04:32 Speaker 01 Huh?
1:04:32 Speaker 02 I like the booze on the side, but the dessert not so boozy, I don't know.
1:04:35 Speaker 00 I agree, I'm not, maybe I've just not made, steady on, maybe I've just not had a good Black Forest Gatto. But I think every time I've had one, it's been too like, you know what I mean?
1:04:45 Speaker 02 Yes.
1:04:45 Speaker 00 You know those cakes where you put the knife in and it goes?
1:04:47 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:04:48 Speaker 00 Like it's an inflatable cake.
1:04:50 Speaker 02 It feels like quite eighties to me, like it's what they would serve on Wall Street. No, I, no, no, no, no, no, I mean, like, it's like on Wall Street, the guys are like, and we'll get Black Forest to finish or something, I don't know.
1:05:00 Speaker 00 Oh yeah, I forgot that, that bit from, from Wolf of Wall Street.
1:05:03 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:05:06 Speaker 02 What you don't remember is you had a huge bowl of Black Forest Gatto in front of him.
1:05:10 Speaker 00 They're just face down in the Black Forest Gatto.
1:05:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:05:16 Speaker 01 Yeah, well, would you like it on Wall Street? Would, would me, it's from the Black Forest, but not, it doesn't say that Siobhan's eating it in the Black Forest. So if it's been stolen from the Black Forest, from someone.
1:05:27 Speaker 02 Has she, is this something she's had in real life that she's?
1:05:30 Speaker 00 There we go, she would sneak it from the fridge when she worked in a kitchen in Germany.
1:05:34 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah, she did it.
1:05:36 Speaker 00 She, she would sneak it, she would sneak it, that's why it tasted good, I think.
1:05:40 Speaker 02 It tastes so good.
1:05:41 Speaker 00 Yes, when you sneak food from the fridge, it does taste pretty good.
1:05:43 Speaker 02 Oh my god, when I was a kid, I used to sneak down to the kitchen to make, um, crisp sandwiches and ice.
1:05:48 Speaker 01 Oh yeah.
1:05:49 Speaker 02 Like really soft, cheap white breads.
1:05:51 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:05:51 Speaker 02 Carrot gold butter, potato crisps, in a sound, like so, and it did taste better because you know you were.
1:05:56 Speaker 00 The worry with, with making a crisp sandwich silently and secret is the moment you push it down, right?
1:06:02 Speaker 02 And that's the danger.
1:06:03 Speaker 00 Yeah, you've got to push it down.
1:06:04 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:06:05 Speaker 01 Yeah, you go, oh, it's the best bit. I used to, I used to, I tried to write material about this, it never worked. So I don't know why I'm now launching into it at the Royal Albert Hall.
1:06:18 Speaker 00 What crisps were you using?
1:06:20 Speaker 02 I like the salt and vinegar potatoes. Most people go cheese and onion. But I like vinegary, salty.
1:06:26 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:06:27 Speaker 02 Yeah, good, yeah.
1:06:28 Speaker 00 Tato's ones are good.
1:06:29 Speaker 02 Yeah, so good.
1:06:29 Speaker 00 You been to the theme park?
1:06:31 Speaker 02 No, I love that there is one though.
1:06:32 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:06:33 Speaker 02 I'll tell you something though that'll make me seem more stupid than when I didn't realise you were talking about ice before. Is that as a child, the tato mascot is a potato with a face.
1:06:43 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:06:44 Speaker 02 And I, as a child, thought it was a chicken. So I once said to someone, like, well, you know, like the tato chicken, and they went, what? And I was like, well, the chicken that's on the... I think because like, for some reason in my mind, I was like, there's a chicken on cornflakes. So chicken and food, you know.
1:07:00 Speaker 00 So did you assume, because it's like, I guess the colour's about right for like a roast chicken. Did you assume it was a roast chicken that had all its limbs torn off?
1:07:09 Speaker 02 Yeah. No, it had limbs.
1:07:11 Speaker 00 Oh yeah, but not like wing, not like traditional chicken limbs?
1:07:15 Speaker 02 No feathers or any avian anything.
1:07:18 Speaker 00 Does he have limbs, the tato?
1:07:19 Speaker 02 The tato man, yeah.
1:07:20 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
1:07:22 Speaker 02 But then there's two types of tato. There's tato from the Republic of Ireland, we call the freeze tato, and then Northern Irish tato.
1:07:28 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:07:28 Speaker 02 And the Northern Irish tato, the tato man just has a head of a potato and a body of a human.
1:07:33 Speaker 00 Oh, I hate that.
1:07:34 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:07:35 Speaker 00 That's really scary.
1:07:35 Speaker 02 He looks really intense.
1:07:38 Speaker 00 Don't wade in on this. No.
1:07:41 Speaker 00 You let Nicola talk about this, but don't you offer any opinions. Yeah, sorry.
1:07:45 Speaker 02 But yeah, and it doesn't look as much like a chicken now, so please don't look at it now and really judge me. You have to look at it like a 90s packet, it was a very rudimentary drawing. Yeah, the tato chicken is not a thing, it's a potato man.
1:07:56 Speaker 00 It's a potato, yeah.
1:07:57 Speaker 02 Yeah, very much so.
1:07:58 Speaker 00 Who would you rather be friends with out of the two tato mascots?
1:08:00 Speaker 02 The chicken.
1:08:02 Speaker 00 Who out of all the mascots of like food? I think, I mean, the answer's Coco the Monkey, isn't it? That's who everyone would like to be friends with?
1:08:11 Speaker 02 The way Tony the Tiger came so aggressively into my head, like I didn't even think the thought, I just went, Tony the Tiger.
1:08:17 Speaker 00 Too much. It'd be too much.
1:08:20 Speaker 02 He's my best friend, so I feel like you shouldn't have said that in front of me.
1:08:23 Speaker 00 Well, I did want to... When I was a kid, I wish, I didn't want to be called Ed, I wanted to be called Rick, because I thought Rick Rysical was so cool.
1:08:31 Speaker 02 The Rysical guy?
1:08:32 Speaker 00 The astronaut.
1:08:33 Speaker 02 The astronaut, yeah. I didn't know that was his name.
1:08:35 Speaker 00 He's fucking incredible, he's an astronaut and he's got his own cereal.
1:08:38 Speaker 01 The name's Blade, Rick Blade.
1:08:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:08:42 Speaker 00 Rick Ricekill was a badass.
1:08:43 Speaker 02 Rick Ricekill.
1:08:43 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:08:44 Speaker 02 What about, remember, he was such a big deal, Fido Dido.
1:08:47 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:08:47 Speaker 00 From Seven Up.
1:08:48 Speaker 02 Seven Up.
1:08:49 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:08:50 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:08:50 Speaker 00 Easy to draw, that's why. It was a very clever bit of branding. Fido Dido was awesome.
1:08:53 Speaker 02 Fido Dido.
1:08:54 Speaker 01 I tell you who you would hate is the little Lurpak man who plays the trombone.
1:08:58 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:08:59 Speaker 01 You hate Lurpak?
1:09:00 Speaker 02 I hate that guy. Like, I can die. What about Cornelius, the chicken from Cornflakes?
1:09:05 Speaker 00 Is he called Cornelius?
1:09:06 Speaker 02 Indeed, he is.
1:09:07 Speaker 01 Is he?
1:09:08 Speaker 00 Wow.
1:09:08 Speaker 01 Doesn't look like he has a name. The rest of them look like they have names.
1:09:13 Speaker 02 Disrespectful, he has a name.
1:09:14 Speaker 01 Cornelius doesn't look like an actual character.
1:09:16 Speaker 00 No, he's just a drawing.
1:09:17 Speaker 02 He's just a general chicken, isn't he?
1:09:18 Speaker 01 A stencil.
1:09:19 Speaker 02 Yeah, but if you were on children's bikes all over the world, do you remember that bike clip? That every week you'd be like, what's the toy? It's a bike clip again!
1:09:27 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:09:27 Speaker 02 There was always a bike clip.
1:09:29 Speaker 01 Yeah, I used to have that in the spoke. It would sound really cool. People would know, Aki's coming.
1:09:36 Speaker 01 Here comes Aki. Actually, the chicken in the spoke didn't do Aki any favours. Everyone thought I was Aki.
1:09:43 Speaker 02 Do you think you're gonna rename this Off Menu with Aki and Blade?
1:09:46 Speaker 00 Aki and Blade is great. Off Menu with Aki and Blade.
1:09:49 Speaker 01 Then we'll finally get our Manosphere audience.
1:09:51 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:09:54 Speaker 01 I believe that.
1:09:55 Speaker 00 Well, that seems a perfect place to end the show. Nicola, you've been absolutely fantastic. Thank you so much for coming back on the podcast. Massive round of applause for Nicola Coughlan! What's wrong with Nicola Coughlan? Thank you so much, guys. Thank you very much for coming.
1:10:11 Speaker 01 Happy Mother's Day!
1:10:12 Speaker 00 We'll see all of you tonight. I think, bye bye!
1:10:15 Speaker 01 See you all later.
1:10:28 Speaker 00 Well, there we are. Another Royal Albert Hall with the wonderful Nicola Coughlan.
1:10:32 Speaker 01 There we are. Thank you, Nicola, so much for coming on. Obviously, you should watch everything that Nicola's done. Bridgerton, Dairy Girls, and Nicola's in the next series, the anthology series, I Am.
1:10:44 Speaker 00 I am Helen.
1:10:45 Speaker 01 I am Helen is Nicola's one. Fantastic. So I was looking forward to seeing Nicola on that.
1:10:49 Speaker 00 And she's in The Magic Far Away Tree.
1:10:51 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:10:52 Speaker 00 She plays Silky.
1:10:52 Speaker 01 Andrew Garfield's in that, my man.
1:10:54 Speaker 00 Yeah. Clef, Clef Oi.
1:10:56 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:10:57 Speaker 00 Clef Oi, yeah, yeah. Big Mood, James, Channel 4.
1:11:01 Speaker 01 Yeah. Watch that.
1:11:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:11:03 Speaker 01 I mean, so much stuff.
1:11:04 Speaker 00 Camilla, who writes that, came to the Royal Albert Hall, so it all links up.
1:11:08 Speaker 01 Oh, thank you, Camilla, for coming along.
1:11:10 Speaker 00 Thank you very much for listening. Goodbye.
1:11:11 Speaker 01 Goodbye.
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