Pod Insights Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster Kiell Smith-Bynoe (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall) About this episode Next from our run of live shows at London’s Royal Albert Hall is ‘Taskmaster’ and ‘Ghosts’ star, Kiell Smith-Bynoe! The first time Kiell guested on Off Menu it was one of the only times Ed and James drank on the podcast, and Kiell’s not letting that tradition slip…
Kiell is on tour with his improv show Kool Story Bro. For dates and tickets go to www.koolstorybro.co.uk
Follow Kiell on Instagram @klayzeflaymz https://www.instagram.com/klayzeflaymz
Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast
Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial.
And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.
Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster.
Produced and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/.
Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the Royal Albert Hall.
Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/.
Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design).
Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here https://youtu.be/ug7YEj14yFQ.
Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.
Transcript 12,509 words · 4 speakers
0:14 Speaker 00 Welcome to the Off Menu podcast. Bonus!
0:17 Speaker 01 Bonus!
0:19 Speaker 00 It's a bonus live episode, James.
0:20 Speaker 01 The Royal Albert Hall!
0:22 Speaker 00 The Royal Albert Hall, 14th of March, evening show.
0:25 Speaker 01 Evening show. We'd already done a matinee, but you wouldn't know it with the amount of energy that we bring to this episode.
0:30 Speaker 00 Plucky boys, wide-eyed and bushy-tailed.
0:33 Speaker 01 And our guest is...
0:34 Speaker 00 Kyle Smith-Bynoe! Obviously returning, Kyle Smith-Bynoe. This is a tasting menu. We gave him the menu of another previous fan favourite guest.
0:43 Speaker 01 Yes.
0:43 Speaker 00 Talked him through those choices. But this one, this one got away from us, James. It went off in many different directions.
0:50 Speaker 01 It did. There might be some stuff we refer to that happened in the first half, although there's a lot happening in the second half that might equally make no sense. I mean, it's worth telling you as a listener that Kyle does come on, dressed as a chef.
1:02 Speaker 00 Yes.
1:03 Speaker 01 And, yeah, you should know that. Chef White's...
1:06 Speaker 00 Comes dressed as one of his famous characters.
1:08 Speaker 01 Yes, it's a character.
1:10 Speaker 00 And also, we make reference to singing a song at the end of the show. We did sing, we did karaoke at the end of the show. We can't put that on the episode for multiple reasons: song rights and also quality. It was, I'd say, one of the worst closings to a show the Royal Albert Hall has ever seen.
1:26 Speaker 01 Yeah, this show was really fun, and it went really well. The ending was neither of those things, and you are not missing out.
1:36 Speaker 00 No. Don't worry about missing out.
1:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, it was, it was bad. It was a really...
1:41 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:41 Speaker 01 In terms of like, shows that I've done in my life, and I include stand-up in this, I'd say it's the most kind of like, the show was brilliant, and then the end was one of the worst things I've ever done.
1:52 Speaker 00 It should have been good.
1:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, it should have been good.
1:53 Speaker 00 It was a good idea.
1:54 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:55 Speaker 00 But we didn't quite pull it off. So, don't worry, it's not on here, but you didn't miss it. You didn't miss anything.
2:01 Speaker 01 You didn't miss anything. I mean, what else to tell you, I guess? Just, just have fun, enjoy yourself, relax.
2:07 Speaker 00 Yeah.
2:08 Speaker 01 Listen to the podcast, I guess.
2:10 Speaker 00 Kick back, enjoy.
2:11 Speaker 01 Kick back and enjoy.
2:12 Speaker 00 This is the Off Menu tasting menu of...
2:14 Speaker 01 Kyle Smith-Bynoe!
2:17 Speaker 00 Kyle Smith-Bonus.
2:30 Speaker 00 We're very excited because now we are going to do a tasting menu of the Off Menu Podcast.
2:37 Speaker 00 Kick us off, kick us off Ed Gamble, like only you can. Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the chocolate of conversation, putting it delicately into the mouth of humour, and only then realising it was the cat shit of podcasting.
2:59 Speaker 00 This is a tasting menu episode where we invite back an old fan favourite guest and give them another menu from another fan favourite guest. And we are very excited that tonight's guest is Kyle Smith-Biden. Welcome him to the stage. Get him on straight away, hit the music, bring him on.
3:23 Speaker 01 Well, he didn't tell us he was doing this.
3:27 Speaker 02 Hello.
3:31 Speaker 00 So striking, such a handsome chef.
3:34 Speaker 02 This hat is tight.
3:37 Speaker 00 Well, let's pop you down in a chair, shall we Chef Kyle? Welcome.
3:41 Speaker 01 Where did you get the outfit from Kyle?
3:42 Speaker 02 I asked my friend if I could borrow it eight years ago. And he said yes, and it's been in a bag on the back of my door for exactly eight years. Then I took it to get pressed, and they said it can't be done. It's been creased for so long. So paid double, got it pressed. They said they can't do the hat, they haven't got enough time.
4:09 Speaker 01 I guess what did you imagine they asked to borrow it eight years ago?
4:11 Speaker 00 Yes, that's the question, yes.
4:12 Speaker 02 Right, sure. When I was, whatever eight years ago was, I created a character called Miles White, who was going to be a TV chef. And I was like, wouldn't it be fun to do a character that will live and die? And then you never think about it again. So I was going to play, I was going to do a character for one year. And I was going to do videos and stuff, and then he was going to die. And then that would have been the end of it. Never did it.
4:41 Speaker 00 Can you, how far did you get with the character? Can you tell us anything about Miles White?
4:45 Speaker 02 Yeah, there was quite a lot of character development. He was Australian, he was, he didn't know he was black, that was his thing. I spent quite a lot of time looking up wigs and I found a really good Richard Branson wig that I was gonna get for the character. And I was gonna cast his wife and children. The children would have been white, that would have been funny.
5:11 Speaker 00 Yeah.
5:15 Speaker 00 So a full family from when he dies?
5:17 Speaker 02 I've never spoken about this before.
5:19 Speaker 00 So when he dies, there's a whole family and like, wife and kids that he's leaving behind. So it's quite sad at the end.
5:23 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
5:28 Speaker 00 Can you give us a quick blast of the voice? We need to start the podcast officially, but just before we do, I'd love to hear a little bit from Miles White.
5:35 Speaker 01 And this won't be the last we hear from him tonight either. There's no way we're not teeing you up for this at multiple occasions?
5:42 Speaker 02 Yeah, I guess it's gonna be quite a lot of, "Ah shit, it's burnt."
5:47 Speaker 00 Oh, so he's a bad chef?
5:49 Speaker 02 He was forgetful.
5:53 Speaker 00 It's a really important character detail of Miles White. Very forgetful, yeah.
5:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, he was quite forgetful.
5:58 Speaker 01 So is Miles White not aware that he's black, or has Miles White forgot that he's black?
6:05 Speaker 02 It's just never mentioned. But his wife would be Caucasian and as a result, so would the children. And he would never reference the fact that his children couldn't possibly be his.
6:22 Speaker 00 Yes. But he'd probably go, "Hang on a second, you can't be my kids," and then he'd forget the day after, right?
6:30 Speaker 02 Yeah.
6:32 Speaker 00 Why didn't he do that?
6:33 Speaker 02 Well, maybe I will bring him back.
6:34 Speaker 00 Yeah.
6:35 Speaker 01 I think you should do. I think you've got the outfit, it looks good on you.
6:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, thank you.
6:39 Speaker 01 It looks really cool. And you should be Miles White and like, start it and everyone here would know, you know, the full where it's heading, that he's gonna die.
6:46 Speaker 02 I've honestly never spoken about it before, so doing it in front of this many people is insane.
6:53 Speaker 00 When you put the outfit on, you must have thought it might come up.
7:01 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, I thought I could distract you with other stuff, but I guess not.
7:05 Speaker 00 James, speaking of characters.
7:07 Speaker 01 Oh, sorry, yes.
7:08 Speaker 00 You of course play a genie in this podcast, so...
7:09 Speaker 01 Got to do my pop of entrance, Kyle.
7:11 Speaker 02 Oh, yeah, sure, cool.
7:12 Speaker 01 I'm afraid.
7:14 Speaker 00 Now, Kyle, obviously James is a genie, he's gonna be coming out of the lamp. A lot of people are confused now, because they're thinking, "Where's James gone?" Apart from the people sat over here.
7:25 Speaker 02 Right, what, because they can see him?
7:26 Speaker 00 They can see him, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you could possibly rub the lamp for us, to get James out of the lamp, that would be great.
7:32 Speaker 02 And then the podcast would start.
7:34 Speaker 00 And then the podcast started when you've got the genie out of the lamp, that'd be great, thank you.
7:37 Speaker 01 Rub it as the character?
7:39 Speaker 00 Miles White.
7:40 Speaker 02 Who's saying that?
7:42 Speaker 00 How would Miles White rub the lamp?
7:44 Speaker 02 Can I say that I've had loads to drink?
7:54 Speaker 00 You can. We saw Kyle when he arrived, we did a sound check this afternoon, and then we had a bit of a chat in the dressing room, and I'd say about 10 minutes before the first half started, Kyle went, "Yeah, well, I guess I'll just see you on stage." We were like, "I don't need to just see us on stage." We thought, "Maybe he's got some work to do." Turns out, he's been drinking tequila and apple juice.
8:14 Speaker 02 I will have to go to the toilet at some point during this report.
8:17 Speaker 00 Well, the quicker you rub the lamp, the less work he'll have to do, yeah.
8:20 Speaker 01 I'm doing squats back here, man, come on.
8:23 Speaker 02 Any part in particular, or just...
8:25 Speaker 00 Well, there's a funnier way and there's a less funny way.
8:38 Speaker 01 Yay!
8:46 Speaker 00 Welcome, Miles White to the Dream Restaurant, we've been expecting you for a tough time.
8:55 Speaker 00 Sit you down, Genie. Thank you. Welcome, Genie.
8:59 Speaker 01 Nice to meet you. Welcome, Miles White.
9:03 Speaker 02 I can't be Miles White now because I don't have the wig.
9:06 Speaker 00 Oh, it's all about the wig, is it?
9:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, it is mainly in the hair. That is the...
9:10 Speaker 00 But you never bought the wig?
9:11 Speaker 02 I never bought the wig, but I Googled it loads.
9:16 Speaker 01 Look, we're gonna give you another guest's menu tonight, so it's not gonna be your dream menu, it's gonna be another guest's dream.
9:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, I was sort of worried about that.
9:23 Speaker 01 Why?
9:24 Speaker 02 Um, because I don't like a lot of stuff.
9:27 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
9:28 Speaker 02 Well, I like, you know, he likes what he likes, but um...
9:33 Speaker 02 I feel like a lot of my responses will be, "That's bullshit, man."
9:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
9:38 Speaker 00 Yeah.
9:39 Speaker 02 Although, sorry, before we start quickly, I just have a few things that I wanted to chat to you guys about.
9:43 Speaker 00 Please. If it's about how this was a chef character, we know that already.
9:47 Speaker 02 Right.
9:47 Speaker 01 Just to be clear, you've already told us about Miles White.
9:50 Speaker 02 Oh, how?
9:50 Speaker 00 Yeah.
9:51 Speaker 01 I know that you might forget.
9:52 Speaker 02 Um, no, it's just a couple of things. I haven't seen you boys in a while.
9:55 Speaker 00 No, it's been a while.
9:56 Speaker 02 I wrote it down.
9:56 Speaker 00 Okay.
9:59 Speaker 02 Um, what's your problem with Pizza Hut?
10:02 Speaker 00 With Pizza Hut?
10:03 Speaker 02 Yeah.
10:04 Speaker 00 I don't, I think I've been quite complimentary about Pizza Hut over the years because I like the sort of golden, almost fried taste of the base of the pizzas. I'm a big fan of that. What have we said about Pizza Hut in the past that's upset you?
10:16 Speaker 02 Um, so I did this podcast in 2022.
10:20 Speaker 01 Yeah.
10:20 Speaker 02 It came out in 2023.
10:21 Speaker 00 Yeah, sorry about that.
10:24 Speaker 02 Every week. Oh, it'll be me. It'll be me this time.
10:30 Speaker 02 And then off that, I got offered, uh... Offered? Is that the right word?
10:37 Speaker 01 Uh, okay. Depends what the next word is.
10:44 Speaker 02 I got offered the part of a, um... Pasta puppet in Dole mio adverts.
10:52 Speaker 00 Oh! That's the dream role!
10:55 Speaker 02 So me and John Kearns play pasta puppets.
10:57 Speaker 01 What?
10:58 Speaker 00 Hang on, when did this happen?
10:59 Speaker 02 This, uh, like, end of 2023, maybe, beginning of 2024.
11:03 Speaker 01 And you did it?
11:04 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:05 Speaker 01 Kearns has never mentioned this.
11:06 Speaker 00 No.
11:07 Speaker 01 You and Kearns are the Dole mio puppets?
11:09 Speaker 02 Yeah. No, not the Italian ones.
11:14 Speaker 00 You can do it, you can do all the different accents we found out tonight.
11:18 Speaker 02 There were like new ones, and has anyone seen that advert? There's like one messy one and there's one like in a... How can nobody have seen it?
11:27 Speaker 00 How much have you had to drink, Kyle?
11:30 Speaker 02 It was, "I'm like a messy spaghetti pasta puppet", and then John Caine's just like a, um, what's the...
11:38 Speaker 00 Penny?
11:39 Speaker 02 Penny.
11:39 Speaker 00 So, oh, you're literally made of pasta, you're not D'Amio family members who just love pasta.
11:44 Speaker 02 No, that's, you can't do that.
11:47 Speaker 01 Oh, so that's what they were trying to correct?
11:48 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:49 Speaker 01 So we can't do that Italian family anymore?
11:51 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:52 Speaker 01 They're stereotypes, so we want you two to be talking pasta.
11:55 Speaker 02 Talking pasta, yeah. And he's got a bow that's made out of, what's the bow one?
11:59 Speaker 00 Farfalle.
12:00 Speaker 02 Yes, please? And he's got a bow and he's like sort of straight-laced and he's like, "Oh no, you can't do that", and then I'm like, "Oh yeah, do what you want",
12:10 Speaker 02 it is exactly like that. And that was off-menu, that was, we got that because of off-menu.
12:16 Speaker 00 Really?
12:17 Speaker 02 That's what I did, that's what they told me. And then I said...
12:19 Speaker 00 Hang on, it feels like they want to cast two people to play puppets.
12:26 Speaker 00 From off-menu. We already know, we already know what pasta shapes would be, someone asked us last night.
12:33 Speaker 02 Oh, what's the answer?
12:34 Speaker 01 Oh, they made me the one that's all the frilly one.
12:36 Speaker 00 Yeah, fusilli, because he's all twisty and...
12:38 Speaker 02 You're quick with those, you're quick with those pasta shapes.
12:42 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do a food podcast, man, I've learnt the pasta shapes.
12:44 Speaker 02 Right.
12:45 Speaker 01 And I know how to say jamon.
12:51 Speaker 00 And I'd be Orecchietti because they're the little ears, and I've got little ears.
12:56 Speaker 02 Little ears?
12:57 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's, Orecchietti is the ones that are like, they look like little shells, but it literally means small ears because they look like little ears.
13:04 Speaker 02 What's he talking about?
13:07 Speaker 01 I don't always know, but he's a great guy, he's very supportive.
13:11 Speaker 00 My favourite pasta shape, because I'm a metalhead, is Strozopretti, which is a strangled priest, that means. That's fucking sick, isn't it?
13:19 Speaker 01 That is cool.
13:20 Speaker 02 It's demonic?
13:22 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's pretty demonic, but that's cool if you're a metalhead like that.
13:24 Speaker 00 I like the campanelli. Oh yeah, what's that one?
13:27 Speaker 02 No idea. I go to Vapiano's, I say, "I want the campanelli, please",
13:32 Speaker 01 D'Amio staying away from that character, I imagine.
13:37 Speaker 02 But we got that because of... Sorry, how does this relate to Peter?
13:40 Speaker 01 Just so you're aware, if you're not aware of this, to this date, Cael holds the record for the longest episode we've ever recorded.
13:51 Speaker 01 So...
13:54 Speaker 00 And I'm beginning to get that muscle memory back. I think I remember why.
13:58 Speaker 01 Somebody you might want to text your babysitters now.
14:01 Speaker 02 That was true, and then that got beaten. And I texted Ed about it because I was fucking livid.
14:07 Speaker 01 Yeah.
14:08 Speaker 02 Uh, Ross Noble?
14:10 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
14:11 Speaker 02 Overtook me. But I still have some records on this podcast. I believe I'm still the only person to shower a place negatively.
14:22 Speaker 00 That's been left in the edit, sure.
14:24 Speaker 02 I'm still the only one to drink on the podcast?
14:27 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
14:27 Speaker 00 Oh, no, you're actually...
14:28 Speaker 02 Speaking of, shall we, um...
14:33 Speaker 01 Hang on. I didn't even see that when I was behind the lamp. How, where's that come? What the fuck? Did you see that? You must have seen it from your seat.
14:41 Speaker 00 No, I'm genuinely surprised because also, did you bring this with you, or did they buy it?
14:46 Speaker 02 I brought it.
14:46 Speaker 00 You brought it?
14:47 Speaker 02 I brought it from home.
14:48 Speaker 00 Is that true?
14:48 Speaker 02 Yeah.
14:49 Speaker 00 This is good shit, man. I love Eagle Rare.
14:50 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
14:51 Speaker 00 It's one of my favourite bourbons.
14:53 Speaker 02 I got this... What did you ask me? What was the question?
14:59 Speaker 00 You, you were telling us something.
15:03 Speaker 01 You were telling us the only guest who have drunk on the podcast, you got the booze out, and then you said, "What was the question?"
15:11 Speaker 02 I did a, I did a play in 2016.
15:14 Speaker 00 Okay, this doesn't feel relevant, but carry on.
15:18 Speaker 02 And I didn't really know anything about drinks, like, properly. I would just drink like...
15:21 Speaker 00 You poured in that one already.
15:24 Speaker 01 You keep making ones bigger and then levelling them all out.
15:32 Speaker 01 That's ridiculous, Cael.
15:35 Speaker 00 Yeah.
15:36 Speaker 01 They feel level to me.
15:37 Speaker 02 And the director was a whisky guy, and he was like, "You've got to get Eagle Rare." So I got this in 2016.
15:43 Speaker 00 Wow, nice.
15:44 Speaker 02 And it was already aged 10 years.
15:48 Speaker 00 And now it's 20?
15:50 Speaker 01 I've already got into bourbon recently. Tell me if you think this is a cool thing to do.
15:54 Speaker 02 I don't know if we have any ice or any mixes or anything.
15:56 Speaker 01 Oh, don't worry about it. It's having a neat...
15:57 Speaker 02 Cheers, lads.
15:58 Speaker 01 Oh, cheers. Thank you for coming. Thank you. Cheers, everybody.
16:04 Speaker 00 I've started watching bourbon YouTubers, who are mainly men from the deep south of America, and they do one-hour-long videos where they go to different liquor stores and film what's on the shelves.
16:15 Speaker 01 Yeah.
16:16 Speaker 00 And I will watch those every night.
16:19 Speaker 02 Send me the link.
16:20 Speaker 00 I will.
16:21 Speaker 02 That is nice, isn't it?
16:22 Speaker 01 That's really nice.
16:23 Speaker 00 It's really lovely.
16:23 Speaker 02 That is nice. So Pizza Hut, you... I then messaged-
16:29 Speaker 00 Can I say you're not the only guest to drink on the podcast now? You're the only guest to do an evening record, if that helps.
16:36 Speaker 02 Right.
16:36 Speaker 00 You're the only one who's done an evening record, but Finn Wolfhard had a Guinness while we were-
16:40 Speaker 02 That little kid?
16:40 Speaker 00 Yeah.
16:47 Speaker 02 Is he even allowed to drink? How old is he?
16:49 Speaker 01 He's 23 now. But he's probably 21 when he had that Guinness.
16:57 Speaker 00 Yeah, he was 14. It was Stranger Things, series one, we interviewed him.
17:02 Speaker 01 He went straight to the upside down as soon as he hit that Guinness.
17:06 Speaker 02 Well, I messaged him and I said, "We got this job because of Off Menu, so I'd want to celebrate, and I want to take you guys to Pizza Hut."
17:12 Speaker 01 Oh, yeah.
17:13 Speaker 02 And Ed immediately said, "No fucking way."
17:18 Speaker 02 And he said he doesn't want it. He doesn't want to go to Pizza Hut. So now, three years later, I'm asking you, "What's the problem with Pizza Hut?"
17:27 Speaker 00 I think maybe I was taken aback that your immediate go-to for a celebration and a thank-you for getting you, I'd imagine, a very highly-paid advertising job
17:38 Speaker 00 was to take me to the cheapest restaurant in Britain.
17:42 Speaker 01 It would have been nice to receive the invite.
17:48 Speaker 01 I know it seems like he's the boss and I just work for the podcast, but-
17:52 Speaker 02 This was before I had your number.
17:54 Speaker 01 Oh, okay, and you didn't know anyone you could ask via.
17:59 Speaker 02 But since I've had your number, look at all the fun we've had. You accidentally sent my picture as your profile picture, remember that?
18:06 Speaker 01 Yeah, I did. I was trying- Kyle texted me, said, "How's it going?", and I was like, "Who is this?" Then he sent a photo of him, like, on the beach with a cocktail. So I was like, "Right, I'm gonna save that as Kyle's contact picture", and accidentally saved it as my contact picture.
18:23 Speaker 01 Fucking man.
18:26 Speaker 01 He's so old. And I had to tell Kyle. Oh no, how about a bit? Says a guy going, "I've done this by mistake, people are texting me about it." And then Kyle just texts back going, "Keep as is?", question mark. Think I've got to. So I did for quite a while. There was a shoe like that.
18:45 Speaker 02 I liked it. I don't know, I changed it back. Oh, sorry, there's a few other things. I'll get through this bit quickly.
18:49 Speaker 00 So yeah, sorry, I know, I would love to right that wrong and go to pizza with you in the future.
18:53 Speaker 02 Great.
18:53 Speaker 00 Yeah.
18:54 Speaker 02 James, you coming?
18:54 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'd love it, yeah.
18:55 Speaker 02 Fantastic. And we've got witnesses, so it has to happen.
18:58 Speaker 01 Yeah.
18:59 Speaker 02 We've spoken about the longest episode thing.
19:05 Speaker 02 Krispy Kreme chat, we'd avoid that.
19:09 Speaker 02 Jan 3. What does Jan 3 mean?
19:12 Speaker 00 Jan 3?
19:12 Speaker 02 Yeah.
19:13 Speaker 00 You're asking me what something that you've written down means?
19:16 Speaker 02 Big time.
19:17 Speaker 00 Jan 3. Jan- January 3rd, I'd imagine?
19:20 Speaker 01 It's gotta be January 3rd.
19:21 Speaker 00 It's gotta be January 3rd.
19:22 Speaker 01 Not just a third woman you've met called Jan.
19:27 Speaker 02 Ed and I, and two other people, that's not how you say it.
19:31 Speaker 01 Okay, here we go.
19:32 Speaker 00 Can't wait to hear about something else I wasn't invited to.
19:36 Speaker 00 I've just remembered what it was and you are about to hear about that, yeah.
19:38 Speaker 02 No, you were invited, I think. Unavailable again. I'll get to that. The dinner that we went for.
19:47 Speaker 00 Yes, on Jan 3.
19:48 Speaker 02 On Jan 3.
19:49 Speaker 00 Yeah.
19:50 Speaker 02 Me, you, Phil Wang, Alex Horne.
19:51 Speaker 00 Yes.
19:54 Speaker 01 Sounds fun.
19:57 Speaker 01 Sounds like a fun night out.
19:58 Speaker 02 We, we had a great time.
20:00 Speaker 00 We did.
20:00 Speaker 02 And we said, "We should do this more often."
20:02 Speaker 00 Yes.
20:04 Speaker 02 That was Jan 3, 2025.
20:08 Speaker 02 That was the last time we did that.
20:09 Speaker 00 You're very much the only one trying to keep that WhatsApp group going.
20:12 Speaker 02 I'm really trying.
20:12 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
20:13 Speaker 02 Quite hard.
20:14 Speaker 00 You're not getting anything out of Horn. Now and again, I reply.
20:16 Speaker 02 Yeah.
20:17 Speaker 00 And Wang's, Wang's dead to the world on that group.
20:20 Speaker 02 So how do we, James, how do we revive that?
20:24 Speaker 01 Oh, it's up to me to get that gang going again.
20:26 Speaker 02 I think so.
20:26 Speaker 01 The guy didn't even make the draft the first time.
20:30 Speaker 01 And you want me to get Ed, Wang, and Horn, who doesn't reply to anything, unless it's a response to me saying that I will do something for him as a favour?
20:41 Speaker 01 I can't help you here, brother.
20:43 Speaker 02 Okay.
20:44 Speaker 00 We should definitely do that again, though. That was nice.
20:46 Speaker 02 Well, that's what I've been saying in the group.
20:48 Speaker 00 Yeah. What I would say is the thing, you like to eat very late.
20:53 Speaker 02 True.
20:54 Speaker 00 Because we got a booking for 9pm for a table on Jan 3. And everyone else was like, "Fucking hell, 9pm, that's the only table we could get." And you genuinely said, "That's a bit early for me."
21:06 Speaker 02 I just like to chase the night, boys.
21:10 Speaker 01 Well, I'm sorry that everyone on the Jan 3 group is ghosting you.
21:20 Speaker 01 Maybe add Charlotte Ritchie to the group, she can talk to them for you.
21:22 Speaker 02 Yeah.
21:30 Speaker 02 Okay, quickly, look, we haven't got much time. Last thing on this.
21:34 Speaker 00 20 minutes in, haven't revealed who the guest is yet. Whose menu you're gonna have.
21:41 Speaker 01 20 minutes in.
21:42 Speaker 02 When?
21:43 Speaker 01 A third of the way through, normally, this is.
21:47 Speaker 02 When are either of you gonna do my fucking improv show?
21:52 Speaker 01 You've asked me to do that show four or five times now. The answer's been no every time. When are you gonna take the fucking improv? I absolutely don't wanna do that show.
22:00 Speaker 02 Come on, James, it's good.
22:02 Speaker 01 Well, look, I will do it if you do it as Miles White all night. If you're in character as Miles White for the whole lead, then I will do your improv show.
22:11 Speaker 02 That could not work.
22:14 Speaker 01 Well, bad luck.
22:17 Speaker 02 No, go on, what about next Saturday?
22:19 Speaker 01 Next Saturday?
22:20 Speaker 02 Yeah.
22:21 Speaker 01 Hang on. Yeah, I'll check my diary. Hang on. Kyle, I'm doing it next Saturday.
22:27 Speaker 01 Don't fucking try and oust me right now.
22:30 Speaker 02 Genuinely is.
22:33 Speaker 02 Tickets still available? No, it's sold out. Well, that's, look, that's the end of my stuff. That was my list. Now, what's this podcast about?
22:46 Speaker 00 Today's episode of the Off Menu podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.
22:52 Speaker 01 Ah, man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan. Do you know what I mean?
22:58 Speaker 00 I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofas, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast. But you know what? We very rarely talk about where we want to eat this dream meal.
23:17 Speaker 01 Sure, yeah, I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the setting, the vibe. And Cozy's modular, customisable furniture for the whole home does just that.
23:28 Speaker 00 And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room, and I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful, cosy table, linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James, you're a mucky pup.
23:50 Speaker 01 I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the Cozy furniture?
23:53 Speaker 00 No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs, you telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere. Don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.
24:05 Speaker 01 Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?
24:08 Speaker 00 Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well. And that's where Cozy comes in.
24:25 Speaker 01 And because it's Cozy, the furniture isn't just good looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers and free design consultations if you want help making the whole room work.
24:37 Speaker 00 And it's easy to order, ship and assemble and maintain, James. The only way is the Cozy way.
24:43 Speaker 01 Visit Cozy today, that's C-O-Z-E-Y dot com, and make yourself at home.
24:51 Speaker 01 We'll give you the menu of another guest, of a past guest. Is there anyone in particular that you're hyping for, whose menu you think you might enjoy?
24:57 Speaker 02 Bridget Christie.
24:59 Speaker 01 Oh, that would be nice, wouldn't it?
25:00 Speaker 02 Yeah.
25:01 Speaker 01 Well, it's Bob Mortimer.
25:09 Speaker 02 Nice picture, lovely picture.
25:11 Speaker 00 We never know what photo Benito has chosen, but it's another absolute pearler. That is fantastic.
25:17 Speaker 01 What a cute little cat.
25:18 Speaker 00 Yeah.
25:19 Speaker 01 And the kitten on his shoulder.
25:21 Speaker 00 Yeah.
25:22 Speaker 01 Bob Mortimer, how do you feel about that? You excited about having Bob Mortimer's menu?
25:25 Speaker 02 Yeah, I really like him. I've never met him. I think he's hilarious. I don't know what he eats.
25:34 Speaker 00 We should invite him to the next Jan 3 meetup.
25:36 Speaker 02 Oh shit, yeah.
25:37 Speaker 00 Yeah.
25:38 Speaker 02 Well, it depends. Let's see how this goes.
25:42 Speaker 01 Now, for your water course, when you came on in 2022 but didn't get released to 2023, you had still water. Bob Mortimer has chose, for his dream, water course.
25:52 Speaker 02 Don't.
25:52 Speaker 01 Also still.
25:53 Speaker 00 Yes.
25:54 Speaker 01 So that's got to feel good. We're off to a good start, where you and Bob are both having still water together.
25:57 Speaker 02 We've got something in common.
25:59 Speaker 01 Yeah. You could have a... Well, what would you chat to Bob about over the water course?
26:04 Speaker 02 Don't you hate sparkling?
26:06 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's what all the still guys chat about, isn't it? They really slag off sparkling.
26:10 Speaker 02 I think it's fucking shit.
26:14 Speaker 02 Any good?
26:15 Speaker 00 Another accent. You've got another character on your head, haven't you? Who would be your character from the north east of England? We can try and get a new character for you now.
26:24 Speaker 02 Alan.
26:26 Speaker 00 Is his surname Shearer by any chance?
26:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, I see what's happened in my subconscious.
26:34 Speaker 01 And you chose hard over bread.
26:36 Speaker 02 Yes.
26:36 Speaker 01 Do you remember that?
26:37 Speaker 02 Yeah, and I bet he's done exactly the same.
26:42 Speaker 01 Bob Mortimer's dream bread is lukewarm crusts with olive oil and butter.
26:48 Speaker 02 Lukewarm crusts?
26:50 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah. It's exactly what it sounds like.
26:52 Speaker 00 Yeah.
26:53 Speaker 02 Crusts of what?
26:54 Speaker 01 I'm gonna go ahead and say bread.
27:02 Speaker 02 Yeah, but what, like, what? White bread, toast?
27:05 Speaker 01 Well, I mean, I guess, because he's not specified. We could do lukewarm hardo bread crusts.
27:12 Speaker 02 Yes, please. With what? Butter and?
27:16 Speaker 01 With olive oil and butter.
27:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, good choices, man.
27:20 Speaker 01 You like this already?
27:21 Speaker 02 Yeah, I'm into this.
27:23 Speaker 01 You just get the crusts there.
27:24 Speaker 02 Lukewarm.
27:25 Speaker 01 I'm guessing what Bob would have liked is like, just like, normal sliced bread from the shop, like, white bread, like, that kind of standard, and then just the crusts.
27:36 Speaker 00 Because I don't think he wants the middle of the bread. He wants the crust, he only wants the crusty bits and lukewarm to dip in.
27:43 Speaker 02 What does lukewarm mean?
27:45 Speaker 00 Good question, okay, let's get into this.
27:47 Speaker 02 Like, room temp?
27:50 Speaker 01 No, that's room temp.
27:51 Speaker 02 Right, sure, but what?
27:55 Speaker 02 How, how far is lukewarm off room temp?
28:00 Speaker 01 I think lukewarm is definitely warmer.
28:02 Speaker 00 Yeah.
28:03 Speaker 01 But not, it's not warm.
28:06 Speaker 00 It's not, it's not hot?
28:08 Speaker 01 It's not hot.
28:08 Speaker 02 I think lukewarm is subjective.
28:11 Speaker 00 Okay.
28:11 Speaker 01 Hmm, I don't think it is. I think...
28:17 Speaker 01 Lukewarm is like...
28:19 Speaker 00 Any temperature descriptor is subjective, right? Because some people will have a very hot cup of tea and they'll be like, "That's perfect", and someone else will say, "That's, that's hot, that's too hot."
28:28 Speaker 02 Science.
28:31 Speaker 00 No, I'm saying it is the opposite of science, is what I'm saying, it's purely subjective.
28:38 Speaker 00 How warm you think things are, are religion? Lukewarm would also be a great, uh, new character for you, I think.
28:45 Speaker 02 Lukewarm.
28:47 Speaker 01 Where's lukewarm from?
28:48 Speaker 02 What's he sound like?
28:49 Speaker 00 Lukewarm.
28:51 Speaker 02 That sounds like a superhero.
28:53 Speaker 01 Yeah, but like, not...
28:54 Speaker 02 Shit one.
28:55 Speaker 01 Yeah.
28:59 Speaker 01 Not, not, not the A-team, is it? It's not like your first choice.
29:03 Speaker 00 He's not like any of the fire superheroes. You can blast fire out their hands. He just sort of gently, gently warms people.
29:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, he's not, he's not getting that call out from Dr X.
29:11 Speaker 00 Yeah, he just makes Dr Doom feel quite cosy.
29:14 Speaker 02 Wait, what's that guy's name? Professor X?
29:18 Speaker 00 Yeah.
29:18 Speaker 02 Who's Dr X?
29:19 Speaker 01 Dr X is just a GP.
29:23 Speaker 00 Is Dr X the, the baddie from the Action Men figures? Thank you.
29:29 Speaker 02 Oh, wow.
29:30 Speaker 00 You know, remember on the, on the adverts where they, would he like shoot an X out of his chest or something?
29:35 Speaker 02 I do remember that.
29:36 Speaker 00 Yeah.
29:36 Speaker 02 And it was in the Argos catalogue.
29:38 Speaker 00 It was in the Argos catalogue, yeah. Do you miss the Argos catalogue?
29:41 Speaker 02 Real bad.
29:41 Speaker 00 Yeah.
29:43 Speaker 02 Good. Yeah, flicking through that page like that.
29:49 Speaker 02 Are the listeners getting this?
29:52 Speaker 02 Nothing.
29:52 Speaker 00 Straight to the bras? That's what I did.
29:58 Speaker 01 Learning a lot about both.
29:59 Speaker 02 More fingers, I need more fingers.
30:01 Speaker 01 So you would go to, with two fingers, you'd go through the Argos catalogue and flip through it like that?
30:05 Speaker 02 Running through it.
30:06 Speaker 01 And then you went straight to the bras?
30:08 Speaker 00 Straight to the bras. I'd just go in the back index.
30:10 Speaker 01 Yeah.
30:10 Speaker 00 Page 172, bras.
30:14 Speaker 00 And they'd keep coming over and go, can we help you, sir?
30:22 Speaker 01 Now, a lot of people in this room will remember, so shout out before we reveal it. Do you, if you remember Bob Mortimer's starter, shout it out now.
30:33 Speaker 00 Yeah.
30:34 Speaker 01 Correct? It is the Odeon Cinema Hot Dog with ketchup and mustard. I'd say not only is this a fan favourite menu, but this course in particular is a fan favourite.
30:45 Speaker 00 Yeah.
30:45 Speaker 01 People really liked Bob choosing the Odeon Cinema Hot Dog. Now, you look annoyed.
30:52 Speaker 02 I don't mind that, actually. I mean, not as a main, surely.
30:56 Speaker 01 This is a starter. I know it feels like we're at the mains, Kyle, but you have to remember, you had a bunch of minutes at the beginning that you had to go for a bunch of... Get your own schedule.
31:08 Speaker 02 I quite like that.
31:10 Speaker 00 Do you like a cinema hotdog if you're at the cinema?
31:12 Speaker 02 I do, but they're getting out of hand.
31:15 Speaker 00 How so?
31:16 Speaker 02 They've gone mad. There's too much stuff on them. Jalapenos, fucking bacon, cheesy bits.
31:23 Speaker 00 Yeah, the cheese, the horrible cheese sauce.
31:26 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah, all of that shit.
31:27 Speaker 00 Crispy onions.
31:28 Speaker 02 Mmm, I do like that.
31:31 Speaker 01 There's always something, isn't there?
31:33 Speaker 02 Jalapenos, all of that stuff. Did I say jalapenos already? Cheers. The OG, like, sausage in a bun.
31:44 Speaker 00 Yeah.
31:46 Speaker 01 You're looking at your Haag's catalogue again.
31:50 Speaker 02 Squiggle it on the sausage, not the bread. And I'm saying that because my friend Charlotte, she...
31:58 Speaker 00 Charlotte Vici?
31:59 Speaker 02 Not that one.
32:00 Speaker 01 Well, you've got to say, not Charlotte Vici, I'm afraid, because everyone thinks that you hang out with Charlotte Vici all the time.
32:05 Speaker 02 Sure.
32:06 Speaker 01 Because you own a house that is haunted.
32:10 Speaker 02 She, uh, Charlotte, my friend, not Charlotte Vici.
32:13 Speaker 01 Thank you.
32:13 Speaker 02 She made, uh, she brought her kids round, uh, because I got a paddling pool in the garden the other day. Not the other day, when it was hot. And she, um...
32:23 Speaker 01 But you don't, but you don't have kids?
32:26 Speaker 02 I don't have kids, but I was like...
32:27 Speaker 01 You got a paddling pool in the garden?
32:28 Speaker 02 I don't have kids, but she doesn't have a garden.
32:31 Speaker 01 Perfect.
32:33 Speaker 02 So...
32:35 Speaker 01 So you had a paddling pool anyway?
32:37 Speaker 02 I was like, well, it's, it is hot. It's 34. I mean, it's 34 in London. Do something about it. So I...
32:45 Speaker 01 But you already owned a paddling pool?
32:47 Speaker 02 No, I went to Argos.
32:52 Speaker 02 Hours that took to fill up. And in the meantime, she made some hot dogs for the kids. And me. And when she put the ketchup on it, she did it all over.
33:04 Speaker 00 Oh.
33:04 Speaker 02 Like on the bread as well.
33:05 Speaker 00 Oh, so she put the frankfurter in first. She didn't put it on the bread and then put the sausage in?
33:11 Speaker 02 Imagine that.
33:15 Speaker 02 That's fucked up, man.
33:18 Speaker 02 How did you even think of that?
33:20 Speaker 00 It's his crazy comedy mind. He's a creative.
33:28 Speaker 00 I don't know where I get my ideas from. But you mean she put the frankfurter in and then her swoops were so wide that she was touching the outside of the-
33:36 Speaker 02 Yeah, but that sounds like it was an accident.
33:37 Speaker 00 Right.
33:37 Speaker 02 She was doing it delib.
33:39 Speaker 00 Right. How far onto the bread was she-
33:42 Speaker 01 Never heard that abbreviated before in my life.
33:45 Speaker 00 We're sitting with the inventor of platty jubes here.
33:47 Speaker 02 You can abbreviate, you know.
33:49 Speaker 01 Of course. The OG platty jubes is here. He's gonna say delib.
33:55 Speaker 02 She-
33:57 Speaker 02 I was just thinking about going into that, but we've done it.
34:02 Speaker 01 You did it in 2022.
34:03 Speaker 02 All over the bread and sausage.
34:06 Speaker 00 And sausage, but you want it on the sausage.
34:08 Speaker 02 Yeah, of course.
34:09 Speaker 00 You just don't want it on the bread. What's the issue with it being on the bread for you?
34:14 Speaker 02 Like, are you okay?
34:17 Speaker 01 I thought you'd lost your fucking voice. Stop chipping in every five seconds. Oh, it's her. Sorry. Apologies.
34:26 Speaker 02 Who's that?
34:29 Speaker 00 Oh, sorry, Kyle. We should have let you know. There is an audience here.
34:33 Speaker 01 There's an audience. We got to know him in the first half. Someone just got told off for no reason. They didn't even do anything. Because this person keeps chipping in with stuff that literally Ed asks you like, "Why don't you want it on the bread?" And they're going, "Messy."
34:46 Speaker 02 You're talking to the only person in this room with a spare seat next to them.
34:50 Speaker 01 I'm aware that you know what it is because it's messy, but Kyle's up here because you'll probably give a more amusing answer than that.
34:58 Speaker 00 Kyle, why don't you like the ketchup on the bread?
35:01 Speaker 02 Messy.
35:04 Speaker 01 Brilliant. The bard.
35:09 Speaker 02 No, but it is. Where do you, where do you, where do you hold it then? If the ketchup's on the bread, where are you gonna hold it?
35:13 Speaker 00 Well, it's not all the way, she's not, she's not wrapping it all the way around the bread. Like, turning the hot dog over, making sure we got some on the bottom there, lovely. Like a Twister ice cream, you've got to...
35:25 Speaker 01 Oh, I would.
35:25 Speaker 00 Oh, now you made it sound nice. Wouldn't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
35:29 Speaker 00 Pinching, you pinch the bottom, I guess. Pinch the bottom and then in.
35:33 Speaker 02 Yeah. What was it with ketchup and mustard?
35:35 Speaker 00 Yeah, and mustard.
35:36 Speaker 01 Yeah, but here's the thing with Bob's one.
35:37 Speaker 00 There's a caveat, yeah.
35:39 Speaker 01 So he, he goes with his son to the cinema. Uh, he's a grown up. And they get these. And they get the ketchup and mustard, put on the hot dog, side by side. And then Bob, for his son...
35:52 Speaker 02 Why have you said side by side?
35:53 Speaker 01 Well, the ketchup and the mustard is put on side by side.
35:55 Speaker 02 And then two lines?
35:56 Speaker 01 Two lines, yeah.
35:57 Speaker 02 Disgusting.
35:57 Speaker 01 Or two swirls, but like, side by side, just like, not touching.
36:01 Speaker 02 Well, which one is it, James?
36:01 Speaker 01 Uh, two lines.
36:02 Speaker 00 I think it's two lines. And you think that's, you think that's disgusting?
36:05 Speaker 01 Two lines. And then Bob gets his finger...
36:07 Speaker 02 Mine too.
36:08 Speaker 01 Bob gets his finger, don't worry, because they will be touching. Bob gets his finger...
36:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
36:11 Speaker 01 And on his son's hot dog... He goes like this, and mixes them back and forth in a wavy line. And then he lifts up his finger that's covered in mustard and ketchup. He says, "It's good to be alive, son."
36:25 Speaker 01 And then he licks the, licks it off his finger.
36:29 Speaker 00 It's a sweet thing for a dad to do.
36:30 Speaker 01 He mixes it for his son, like, every time. It's part of their tradition when they go to the cinema.
36:34 Speaker 02 I'd stop going.
36:38 Speaker 02 Unenjoyable experience.
36:41 Speaker 00 I, I, I can't really eat a hot dog in the cinema, because especially with all that stuff on it, because you look down when, when the lights come up at the end, and you're just covered in jalapenos and crispy onions.
36:50 Speaker 02 Yeah, too much stuff.
36:51 Speaker 00 Do you think there's a film that's inappropriate to eat a hot dog during? If you saw...
36:59 Speaker 02 Maybe two, Pig in the Sea?
37:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, probably loads.
37:05 Speaker 00 Yeah.
37:05 Speaker 02 Um, not one's come into mind.
37:10 Speaker 00 Kyle's improv show is next Saturday at the Wilson Stables Soho Theatre.
37:15 Speaker 01 Main course, you had a confit duck leg. Dope in white potatoes, honey roasted carrots and parsnips, lovely.
37:21 Speaker 02 Gorgeous.
37:21 Speaker 01 But you're not getting that today. You're getting the dream main course of Bob Mortimer, which is chicken vindaloo with three poppadoms and chips from the new Darwinium?
37:31 Speaker 00 Darwinium.
37:32 Speaker 01 Darwinium.
37:33 Speaker 02 I don't like Indian food.
37:38 Speaker 01 Here we go.
37:39 Speaker 00 Kyle.
37:40 Speaker 01 This is why you booked the Royal Albert Hall.
37:43 Speaker 00 A chance to save yourself. Was that you speaking, or was it Miles White?
37:49 Speaker 02 I don't fucking like Indian food.
37:53 Speaker 02 Um, I don't. Sorry. I can't get on board with it. I, um, I don't like the spices. I don't like Indian, I don't like Mexican.
38:03 Speaker 01 Okay, let's clip that up. Clip that up!
38:08 Speaker 02 There's not one Indian or Mexican in here.
38:12 Speaker 01 Just getting rid of the term "food" now, aren't we? Just going straight in.
38:18 Speaker 01 All we need is a clip of you saying, "I don't like Indian, I don't like Mexican. There's not one of them in here!"
38:24 Speaker 02 Um, I just don't, I don't know what it is. It's not the spice level.
38:27 Speaker 00 Why have you sat forward?
38:28 Speaker 02 Because I wanna, I wanna make this clear before I can relax. It's not the spice level, it's the taste. I just don't enjoy it. I don't know what it is. I don't know what herbs they got up in that bitch, but... I just, I don't like it. Um, pardon me?
38:47 Speaker 01 Is it coriander?
38:49 Speaker 00 Kyle.
38:59 Speaker 02 It could be, it could be the coriander, maybe. Thank you for your, thank you, thank you.
39:08 Speaker 02 It could be. Is that the only thing that joins the two?
39:13 Speaker 01 No.
39:14 Speaker 02 What did you say?
39:15 Speaker 01 Cumin.
39:16 Speaker 02 Cumin? Not been called that before.
39:20 Speaker 02 Um, maybe. Uh, I don't know what it is, but I don't enjoy it. I do like spice. I like African spice, I like Caribbean spice. I like Chinese spice. Um, give me another one?
39:35 Speaker 01 I don't know, that was, that was posh and baby.
39:41 Speaker 00 Come on.
39:44 Speaker 02 I like that. I don't know if it's against me, but I like it.
39:48 Speaker 00 No, it's not against you.
39:49 Speaker 01 Not against you. I think it's against you here. We're on your side, apart from the racism.
39:55 Speaker 00 I'm allowed.
39:59 Speaker 02 The, yeah, I don't know what it is, but Indian and Mexican is a big no for me.
40:05 Speaker 00 So that's off the table for Jan 3, when we organise another meal for Jan 3, no Indian, no Mexican.
40:09 Speaker 02 I don't want to go to that.
40:10 Speaker 00 Okay, just two huge cuisines.
40:13 Speaker 02 Yeah.
40:14 Speaker 01 So you're not going to enjoy eating a massive vindaloo, chicken vindaloo?
40:18 Speaker 00 Not at all, in any way.
40:20 Speaker 01 What about the popoms and the chips?
40:21 Speaker 02 I don't think I've ever had a vindaloo. What is a vindaloo?
40:24 Speaker 01 It's a pretty spicy curry.
40:26 Speaker 00 Yeah.
40:26 Speaker 01 I don't know exactly what the ingredients are to it, but it's the one that people will always try and flex and be like, "I'm real tough, I'm going to get a vindaloo."
40:32 Speaker 02 Oh, there's a song about it, isn't there?
40:33 Speaker 01 Yeah, do you want to sing it?
40:35 Speaker 02 No.
40:37 Speaker 02 But what is the point of this, what is the song about? It's just promoting it.
40:40 Speaker 01 It's like a football.
40:41 Speaker 00 Yes, it was, it was, it was a song commissioned by Big Vindaloo.
40:47 Speaker 00 It was a football song. It was Keith Allen, wasn't it?
40:49 Speaker 02 Yes.
40:51 Speaker 01 Was it? I thought it was Dennis Pennis, the guy did Dennis Pennis.
40:54 Speaker 02 You're saying Dennis Pennis?
40:55 Speaker 01 Do you remember Dennis Pennis? You don't remember Dennis Pennis?
40:58 Speaker 02 Are you saying Dennis Pennis?
41:00 Speaker 01 Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm saying that.
41:03 Speaker 00 This is honestly like watching a Christmas dinner. James is the grandchild and you're the grandad.
41:09 Speaker 00 The whisky's come out at 11am, you're like, "Are you saying Dennis Pennis?"
41:14 Speaker 02 Pennis?
41:15 Speaker 01 Yeah, that was his character.
41:17 Speaker 00 Yeah, Dennis Pennis.
41:18 Speaker 02 Oh.
41:18 Speaker 00 Paul Kay, the actor.
41:19 Speaker 01 Paul Kay's character, Dennis Pennis. But I think Paul Kay was in the video for it.
41:24 Speaker 00 Maybe, there were a lot of people in the video for it.
41:26 Speaker 01 They were doing like a parody of The Verve, Bittersweet Symphony, walking down the street and stuff. And then more and more people were joining. And I swear it started with Dennis Pennis, but not as Dennis Pennis as the real guy.
41:38 Speaker 02 What real guy?
41:40 Speaker 01 Paul Kay. Paul Kay, the actor who played Dennis Pennis. He also played the therapist in the first series of Ricky Gervais's Afterlife, if that helps you, if that's more to your taste.
41:55 Speaker 02 Redacted.
41:58 Speaker 00 Um, no, it was Fat Les, who was played by Keith Allen.
42:04 Speaker 01 Oh, yes.
42:04 Speaker 00 Was the person who s-
42:05 Speaker 01 Fat Les, not Dennis Pennis.
42:06 Speaker 02 Right.
42:07 Speaker 01 Hmm, times have really changed.
42:12 Speaker 02 So, okay, but the song was just being like, this is a... What's the point of the song?
42:19 Speaker 00 It was a football song. It was released for the... Was it World Cup or Euros? World Cup, yeah.
42:24 Speaker 01 World Cup.
42:24 Speaker 02 And how are those two things related?
42:27 Speaker 00 Can I say I genuinely know the backstory for how they wrote the song?
42:30 Speaker 02 This is what I wanna know, yeah.
42:31 Speaker 00 But it's just gonna be genuinely tedious. But they wanted something that represented Britain, or England specifically, for the English team, to take them into the World Cup. And they tried to write a song called Chicken Tikka Masala, because everyone loves Chicken Tikka Masala. But they worked out very quickly that that didn't scam. So they had to change it to Vin Delu. Say again? Oh, yeah, so it's: Vin Delu, Vin Delu, and we all like Vin Delu. So that doesn't really work with Chicken Tikka Masala, Chicken Tikka Masala. It's me and my dad and my mum and a bucket of Vin Delu, that one.
43:04 Speaker 02 It depends how musical you are. I could have got it in.
43:06 Speaker 00 You could do it?
43:07 Speaker 02 I reckon so.
43:14 Speaker 02 So, yeah, go on.
43:16 Speaker 01 Kyle's improv show.
43:20 Speaker 00 If you had to write a song where a food was the main lyric-
43:24 Speaker 02 Yeah.
43:24 Speaker 00 -to take England into the World Cup, what food would you choose?
43:27 Speaker 02 Great question.
43:27 Speaker 00 Thank you.
43:28 Speaker 02 Well, it would be bang as a match, wouldn't it?
43:30 Speaker 00 Oh, that's good, I see.
43:31 Speaker 02 Because what else is English?
43:37 Speaker 02 Tode no?
43:38 Speaker 00 Mm-hmm, yeah.
43:39 Speaker 02 What's tode no?
43:41 Speaker 01 What is it?
43:41 Speaker 02 Yeah.
43:42 Speaker 01 It's sausages and Yorkshire pudding, and then they put gravy on it.
43:44 Speaker 02 Yeah, proper English, that.
43:46 Speaker 00 Yeah?
43:46 Speaker 02 Yeah.
43:47 Speaker 00 Do you wanna sing it for us now, quickly?
43:48 Speaker 02 Um, tode no.
43:54 Speaker 02 Hmm, that's a bit country. I don't know, let me workshop it.
43:57 Speaker 00 I think if anything, that's too catchy, Kyle.
44:01 Speaker 02 If it was in 2018, they would have got Stormzy to do it.
44:07 Speaker 00 Yeah.
44:07 Speaker 02 And it was tode no, old tode no.
44:12 Speaker 02 Told the mayor there's too many holes in the road.
44:18 Speaker 01 There it is.
44:19 Speaker 00 That's really good.
44:23 Speaker 02 The problem is now I don't wanna stop.
44:27 Speaker 02 Must have been in too many holes in my clothes.
44:36 Speaker 02 Ironing service showed under folds.
44:39 Speaker 00 It's amazing that as a family, the Allens have released Vindaloo, and then that song about the husband with the butt plugs in the bag, isn't it? What a body of work that family have.
44:47 Speaker 01 That song was also called Toad in the Hole, then.
44:51 Speaker 02 Fucking hell, mate. Oh, let me get on that.
44:58 Speaker 02 Really nice.
45:00 Speaker 00 Your dream side dish was creamed spinach.
45:03 Speaker 02 Yep.
45:04 Speaker 00 Would it still be?
45:06 Speaker 02 Yeah, I think so. Uh, yeah, I haven't found a dish that's beaten that, yeah.
45:11 Speaker 00 Oh, lovely.
45:12 Speaker 02 Maybe creamed corn?
45:15 Speaker 00 I'm sensing a theme here, Kyle.
45:18 Speaker 00 You like the creamed corn?
45:19 Speaker 02 Yeah, I do, yeah.
45:21 Speaker 00 What, uh, what, what makes it such a tight race between the spinach and the corn, though?
45:26 Speaker 02 You don't really see creamed corn on a menu very often.
45:29 Speaker 00 Sure.
45:30 Speaker 02 So I enjoy when I see a creamed spinach, because it's close. I've tried to do creamed corn at home. Bullshit.
45:38 Speaker 00 Yeah?
45:38 Speaker 02 I have, James, I have fucked it up.
45:41 Speaker 00 What happened? How do you make creamed corn? What's in there?
45:44 Speaker 02 Uh, cream.
45:46 Speaker 00 Yeah. Not make? Okay, yeah, not make, yeah.
45:50 Speaker 02 Um, well, you can pull, you can do anything, really.
45:52 Speaker 00 You've not said corn yet, Kyle.
45:55 Speaker 02 The problem with the internet is...
46:01 Speaker 02 Everyone's making up like shit, so you can, you can go on different websites, it's got different stuff, and then if you go, "Oh, I'm just gonna like try and be adventurous", you can put anything in there, and you can still call it creamed corn.
46:12 Speaker 00 But you've just said you've never been able to successfully make creamed corn.
46:15 Speaker 02 That's correct.
46:15 Speaker 00 Yeah.
46:17 Speaker 02 I'm not saying it's good what I've done.
46:18 Speaker 00 Yeah, I get it.
46:19 Speaker 02 But, um, yeah, you can sort of just like have a go. And whatever you end up with, that's creamed corn, I get.
46:26 Speaker 00 Have you had the, um, new Nando's side, the charred corn, which is basically creamed corn?
46:30 Speaker 02 Yes, I have.
46:31 Speaker 00 Did you like it?
46:32 Speaker 02 Nope.
46:32 Speaker 00 Okay. Yeah, me neither, man. I fucking love that stuff.
46:36 Speaker 02 Do you know, do you know, do you know when this country went downhill?
46:41 Speaker 00 So many new characters tonight.
46:44 Speaker 02 When they got rid of Sweet Mash in Nando's. Four people agree with me.
46:49 Speaker 00 Sweet Mash, that's why they got rid of it.
46:51 Speaker 02 Yeah. What, no one else was into the Sweet Mash?
46:56 Speaker 02 That's only eight people. I thought, I thought that was a banger and I thought when they stop that, they've done, they've made a big mistake.
47:05 Speaker 00 Yeah.
47:06 Speaker 02 But I guess it's just me and you eight.
47:09 Speaker 00 Is Nando's as good now?
47:11 Speaker 02 No.
47:12 Speaker 00 As it was.
47:13 Speaker 02 No, it's not. Um, as soon as they brought in that fucking QR code, um.
47:19 Speaker 00 Is this gonna be a rant and saying the pandemic was fake?
47:23 Speaker 02 I just think it's part of the experience, isn't it? You go up there. They ask you what table you're at.
47:28 Speaker 00 Yeah.
47:28 Speaker 02 It's part of the experience.
47:29 Speaker 00 Yeah, I do agree with that, actually.
47:31 Speaker 02 And now they're like, scan the thing.
47:33 Speaker 00 Yeah. You can still go up.
47:35 Speaker 02 What if I don't have a smartphone? I do. Obviously, everyone does. But like.
47:39 Speaker 00 But you can, you can still go up, but they look at you like you're fucking mad.
47:48 Speaker 02 That's a character.
47:50 Speaker 00 Shocked Nando's.
47:51 Speaker 01 Nando's employee wasn't expecting them to come up.
47:58 Speaker 02 I'll workshop that.
47:59 Speaker 00 Workshop it, yeah, yeah. If you come to Kyle's improv show, a lot of it is him saying, "I'll workshop that."
48:08 Speaker 01 Well, the side dish we'll be giving you today, Bob Mortimer's dream side dish is shallow fried turbot. Bob loves fishing, as you.
48:16 Speaker 02 I know two of those words.
48:20 Speaker 00 Fried is when you cook something in a really hot pan.
48:24 Speaker 02 Right. I tried to do an egg in a pot the other day.
48:28 Speaker 01 Egg in a pot?
48:29 Speaker 00 Egg in a pot.
48:33 Speaker 00 For people at the back, he's not being sick. I know it looks like he's being sick, but he's not.
48:41 Speaker 02 I'd already made something in the pot. And I wanted to have an egg as well, but I didn't wanna dirty another pan.
48:47 Speaker 01 Yeah.
48:48 Speaker 02 So I thought I'd do an egg in a pot.
48:51 Speaker 00 Egg in a... You're saying egg in a pot?
48:52 Speaker 02 Yeah. Fried egg.
48:54 Speaker 00 Fried... Fried egg in a pot?
48:56 Speaker 02 In a pot, yeah.
48:57 Speaker 00 I... I... Okay. You mean in like a saucepan, you tried to fry an egg in a saucepan?
49:03 Speaker 02 No. Wait, what's a saucepan?
49:08 Speaker 02 What's that one? That one's a pan.
49:10 Speaker 00 What do you... You can't just...
49:11 Speaker 02 You're holding both of them the same.
49:12 Speaker 00 ...minding something and saying that one's a pan?
49:14 Speaker 01 We don't know where the hook is, so you doing that gives us nothing.
49:19 Speaker 00 It's not gonna appear, this isn't Hook. You can't... What's that one?
49:25 Speaker 01 What's that one?
49:26 Speaker 00 It's a dog on a leash, I think, I've decided.
49:31 Speaker 02 Right, there's a frying pan.
49:33 Speaker 01 Yeah.
49:33 Speaker 00 Which is what? Describe that for us, what in your mind is a frying...
49:36 Speaker 02 Uh... Shallow.
49:38 Speaker 00 Yes.
49:42 Speaker 02 Shallow and wide.
49:43 Speaker 00 Yes.
49:43 Speaker 02 That's a frying pan.
49:45 Speaker 00 Yeah.
49:46 Speaker 02 But, uh... Deep.
49:48 Speaker 00 Mm-hmm.
49:49 Speaker 02 And opposite wide. Uh... Narrow.
49:55 Speaker 00 It's not narrow though, it's narrow... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
49:57 Speaker 02 Um... A fucking...
50:01 Speaker 01 You're trying to explain the difference between a frying pan and a saucepan to yourself.
50:10 Speaker 01 We all know this.
50:12 Speaker 02 I used to date a girl that was, um...
50:17 Speaker 02 A Polish girl that didn't know the difference between this and that. And let me tell you, you cannot teach it.
50:29 Speaker 02 Ain't no way.
50:35 Speaker 02 Anyway, I was trying to do an egg in a pot.
50:44 Speaker 01 Where's that fucking whisky gone?
50:48 Speaker 02 Um, I, yeah, I didn't wanna use another-
50:51 Speaker 01 It's here, Kyle, it's here.
50:55 Speaker 02 I didn't wanna use another, um, thing that I had to wash up. So I, I, um, put the egg in a pot. And, so the same pot that you would use to like boil an egg.
51:06 Speaker 01 I'm alright, man, I'm okay.
51:08 Speaker 00 A saucepan.
51:09 Speaker 02 A sauce-
51:12 Speaker 00 Sorry.
51:13 Speaker 02 I don't think that is a saucepan.
51:14 Speaker 00 Did it have a, did it have a long handle?
51:17 Speaker 02 Did it have a long handle?
51:18 Speaker 00 Okay. Don't ask me what I mean by long-
51:21 Speaker 02 Like, come on, Ed, handle? The handle's the same size as the rest of the stuff.
51:25 Speaker 00 Yeah, but sometimes pots just have the little, the little handles on the side, don't they? That, I would call that a pot. A saucepan is something with a longer handle, that you would then put on the hob.
51:33 Speaker 01 That's exactly right.
51:34 Speaker 00 Yeah. So did it have, how long was the handle?
51:38 Speaker 01 None.
51:40 Speaker 00 Right. It was a saucepan. What did you cook, what did you cook tonight?
51:45 Speaker 02 What, I cooked it noodles.
51:47 Speaker 00 Noodles, so you boiled the noodles?
51:49 Speaker 02 Boiled the noodles.
51:49 Speaker 01 That's gotta be a saucepan.
51:50 Speaker 00 That's a saucepan.
51:52 Speaker 02 Fine, it's a saucepan. And then I wanted to put an egg on top of the noodles and salmon. And, I put the egg in the bottom of the saucepan and tried to make a fried egg. Fucked it up. Real bad. Don't do it.
52:12 Speaker 01 Yeah, I can imagine.
52:13 Speaker 00 Had you, more questions. You'd taken the noodles out? You'd drained the noodles, you'd taken them out? Or did you just crack the egg directly on top of them?
52:20 Speaker 02 I thought I could fry eggs on top of noodles.
52:23 Speaker 00 Sorry, mate, you're already trying to fry an egg in a fucking saucepan.
52:26 Speaker 01 At this point, if you said that's what you did, now I'm gonna go, "What?"
52:31 Speaker 01 Is that of character?
52:32 Speaker 02 I was just trying to like, use less stuff.
52:35 Speaker 00 Sure.
52:35 Speaker 02 Washing up is, um, oppressive.
52:40 Speaker 00 Did you add any oil or butter to the saucepan before you put the egg in?
52:43 Speaker 02 A little bit of oil.
52:44 Speaker 00 A little bit of oil, okay.
52:45 Speaker 02 Not enough.
52:45 Speaker 00 Yeah.
52:46 Speaker 02 And then I did that, and then I had a mare with a...
52:50 Speaker 00 What went wrong?
52:52 Speaker 02 I was using a saucepan.
52:53 Speaker 00 Yeah, but it should work, because it's a hot surface, and you put oil in, then you put an egg in. It should fry.
52:59 Speaker 02 It should work.
53:00 Speaker 00 But my only issue with it would be getting the egg out in one piece.
53:04 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carnage.
53:06 Speaker 00 Carnage. So that was the problem?
53:09 Speaker 02 Yeah, but maybe there is a way to do it.
53:12 Speaker 00 Yeah, you're still not telling me what went wrong, Kyle.
53:15 Speaker 02 I guess just like the whole experience.
53:18 Speaker 00 Okay, but what did the egg look like? Was it edible? Did you get it out in one piece?
53:22 Speaker 02 I ate it.
53:23 Speaker 00 Okay, but how...
53:26 Speaker 01 Imagine this guy trying to explain to someone the difference between this and that. Fucking hell. Can't even tell you what he did.
53:39 Speaker 02 Has anyone successfully fried an egg in a pot? Really? Well, what did you do? I'm gonna come right back to you. What? Well, don't go quiet now. Screaming your head off. What were you saying?
54:00 Speaker 03 Your pot must have been non-stick.
54:02 Speaker 00 Yeah, this is an issue as well. Maybe the pot didn't have the non-stick qualities that you expect from a traditional frying pan.
54:09 Speaker 02 Gotta get back to Argos. All right, I'll try that.
54:14 Speaker 00 So, yeah, anyway, that's turbot. Do you like turbot? Do you know turbot?
54:20 Speaker 02 I don't know turbot, no.
54:22 Speaker 00 Fish, big, it's, I think, known as maybe the king of the fish, or the king of the sea.
54:27 Speaker 02 That's kingfish. King of the fish is kingfish, and we all know that.
54:32 Speaker 00 Fair point.
54:32 Speaker 01 The kingfisher is the king of the fish.
54:35 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah.
54:37 Speaker 00 It's a very flat, wide fish. It's very expensive. It's highly prized, and when you cook it, you have to cook it in a big fish cage, and please don't ask me what that is.
54:50 Speaker 02 Imagine you saying Fish Cage to me.
54:54 Speaker 00 Fish Cage is not a new sort of weird character you can do that's like Nicolas Cage, but he's a fish.
55:00 Speaker 02 It could though.
55:00 Speaker 00 But it would be good.
55:03 Speaker 00 Okay, that was the fish part.
55:10 Speaker 02 He's sad because the cage door got closed. I'll watch up it.
55:18 Speaker 01 So your dream drink, Kyle.
55:21 Speaker 02 Wait, hang on. So do I want this or not? Oh, you're up.
55:24 Speaker 00 You're a fish guy, you like fish?
55:26 Speaker 01 You're having that fish one way or another. You're having it. That's what we're serving you. We've already served you a vindaloo, you've had to have that. Now you've got this turbot.
55:34 Speaker 02 I don't think I've had a tasting menu before.
55:37 Speaker 00 No?
55:37 Speaker 02 I don't think so.
55:39 Speaker 00 Do you like the idea of it?
55:40 Speaker 02 Not really.
55:42 Speaker 00 Yeah.
55:43 Speaker 02 Because it's usually small bits, isn't it?
55:44 Speaker 01 Yeah.
55:46 Speaker 02 No, I like big bits.
55:49 Speaker 01 These are pretty big. You've got a whole turbot here.
55:51 Speaker 00 Yeah. This is big bits though. This is an unusual tasting menu because it is big bits.
55:55 Speaker 02 And how's it called? It's not got fucking lemon and that all over it, is it?
55:59 Speaker 01 He hasn't put that it's got fucking lemon and that all over it. He just said that it's shallow fried. You don't have to put lemon on it. Do you not like lemon on fish?
56:07 Speaker 02 I don't like lemon on anything. Those who remember the podcast will tell you, James. Do you know what? I went to... Hey, I'll tell you.
56:19 Speaker 02 I went to a birthday recently.
56:20 Speaker 00 Yeah.
56:21 Speaker 02 And I was next to... I was at the bar, I was next to James Acaster.
56:25 Speaker 00 Oh, yeah.
56:25 Speaker 02 From Off Menu.
56:26 Speaker 00 This guy.
56:28 Speaker 02 And I ordered tequila and apple juice.
56:30 Speaker 00 Tequila and apple juice.
56:32 Speaker 02 Which I spoke about, I think, quite a lot on the podcast.
56:35 Speaker 00 Yes.
56:35 Speaker 02 And James went, "Tequila and apple juice? What's that about?"
56:40 Speaker 02 And I thought, "Do you even fucking listen?"
56:45 Speaker 01 Not really. I'll forget that anecdote in five minutes.
56:50 Speaker 01 I don't listen back to them. And I loved our chat with you.
56:54 Speaker 00 Also, what you must remember is, James is on the podcast as part of the Severance Programme.
57:00 Speaker 02 Right, right, right, right. So he's clocking out.
57:03 Speaker 01 I don't know what's going on, in and out of it. I mean, right now, this makes sense, but if you see me outside of here, I'm not gonna know who you are. And don't bring up your chef character to me. I've already forgotten his name. Miles White.
57:18 Speaker 02 Thank you.
57:19 Speaker 01 For your drink, you wanted a cherry old fashioned, cherry vanilla old fashioned.
57:22 Speaker 02 Lovely, gorgeous.
57:28 Speaker 02 That restaurant doesn't exist anymore, where I got that.
57:30 Speaker 01 Oh, really? What was it called?
57:32 Speaker 02 No idea.
57:35 Speaker 02 It is now like a karaoke place or something like that.
57:39 Speaker 01 Right. What should go to karaoke song?
57:41 Speaker 02 Uh, N'Sync Girlfriend.
57:45 Speaker 01 I don't know that one.
57:48 Speaker 02 Imagine, I just sang the whole song.
57:52 Speaker 02 So when I was in, I was about seven, and I was in summer school. So I grew up in Newham.
58:01 Speaker 02 Nah, don't lie. I grew up in Newham and they used to, just before the summer holidays, they would come out and give you, come out, they would come around and give you a magazine, and you could choose which course you wanted to do during the summer holidays. So you could do football, you could do art, you could do whatever, blah, blah, blah. I would always choose drama. I did a drama summer school thing at Gainsborough Primary School, and, irrelevant. And I did this show where N'Sync Girlfriend was the first song at the start of the show. There are two raps in that song by Nelly.
58:43 Speaker 02 And they split that between two of the members of the cast. Me and Peter Bakari, who recently played volleyball for Team GB in the Olympics. Irrelevant. Anyway, me and him were doing the two different raps in the song. And I was doing the first one. Now, I'd been practising this for like three weeks before we did the show where our friends and family come and watch it. We're, "Oh, well done. This is what they've been doing for the whole of summer." And I've been practising non-stop, listening to the song, getting those lyrics in my head, making sure that I'm ready for my big day. Big day comes, song starts, I sing the second verse.
59:28 Speaker 02 I sing Peter's verse.
59:29 Speaker 00 Oh no.
59:30 Speaker 02 Instead of mine, that I'd been practising for three weeks straight. Halfway through Peter's verse, I realise, "I don't know Peter's verse."
59:41 Speaker 02 I knew the first eight lines, but that's it. And then I tried to like do some sort of mashup where I could fuse his into mine. Fart here. And then obviously, pardon me?
59:56 Speaker 00 I'm obviously shouting "do the rap", but I presume that's where this is going.
1:00:06 Speaker 02 And then we, um, and then, yeah, so then obviously Peter has to do his rap, but I've already done it.
1:00:13 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:00:14 Speaker 02 So then he just repeats what I've done.
1:00:17 Speaker 02 Why am I telling this story?
1:00:19 Speaker 00 Yeah. I asked you to go to karaoke song.
1:00:22 Speaker 02 Yeah, N'Sync Girlfriend.
1:00:27 Speaker 02 Well, play the instrumental and I'll do the rest.
1:00:30 Speaker 00 You want to be careful because the people working on this show are very good and they will be able to do that.
1:00:35 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:00:36 Speaker 00 It might be at the end of the show, but they will get it ready and we will put the lyrics up on that screen.
1:00:40 Speaker 02 Well, does anybody know that song?
1:00:43 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:00:44 Speaker 02 Oh, okay. Well, if they play it, I'll do it.
1:00:47 Speaker 00 It'll be, it'll be so easy. We'll put the, we're going, we're going to put the lyrics up on the big screen. We're going to get the instrumental and then we can end the show by, by you doing karaoke at the Royal Albert Hall.
1:00:57 Speaker 02 Yeah, why not?
1:01:01 Speaker 02 Might as well.
1:01:03 Speaker 02 Bit of fun, innit?
1:01:04 Speaker 01 Bit of fun.
1:01:07 Speaker 01 Anyway, we're about to give you the drink-drink of Bob Mortimer. Citrus IPA, minus 20 degrees Celsius. It's gonna be at minus 20.
1:01:15 Speaker 00 It's gonna be at minus 20. Right.
1:01:18 Speaker 01 A citrus IPA.
1:01:21 Speaker 02 I don't even like cold water. I like my water room temp, not lukewarm.
1:01:30 Speaker 02 And citrus is a big no for me.
1:01:33 Speaker 01 Of course.
1:01:34 Speaker 02 As previously mentioned. I don't like lemon, I don't like lime.
1:01:39 Speaker 02 I had a research call yesterday, because I'm going on Saty Kitch next week.
1:01:44 Speaker 01 Be careful.
1:01:48 Speaker 00 Be careful, man. You do one tiny little thing wrong on that show and everyone complains.
1:01:52 Speaker 01 Yeah, you gotta be careful, man. They'll be on you.
1:01:55 Speaker 02 Tell me more about this.
1:01:56 Speaker 01 Huh?
1:01:59 Speaker 01 I punched a polar bear.
1:02:02 Speaker 01 And the viewers kicked off.
1:02:03 Speaker 02 That went viral.
1:02:04 Speaker 01 It did go viral. A lot of people wrote about it, like it was a big deal.
1:02:09 Speaker 02 To be honest, the way that you punched that polar bear made me think that you've got at least a blue belt.
1:02:13 Speaker 01 Yeah, I punched it better than I thought I was capable of punching it.
1:02:18 Speaker 02 Yeah, that was a proper punch.
1:02:19 Speaker 01 Left hook, a pop of like, poof!
1:02:21 Speaker 00 And it spun, yeah, it proper spun round. It was amazing.
1:02:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:02:26 Speaker 00 And then he went over to the Christmas tree, where it was clearly very expensive, fragile decorations, and he watched a man try and stay within the character of anger, but also not wanna fuck things up for people, and go,
1:02:40 Speaker 01 Just shook it, because I knew they'd get upset.
1:02:42 Speaker 02 It shows he's still human. He's still down to earth, he's still human.
1:02:45 Speaker 01 I know what I'm doing, I'm in control of it, which is not what the tabloids said.
1:02:51 Speaker 00 Two hundred and thirty-two complaints on the BBC.
1:02:53 Speaker 02 Really?
1:02:54 Speaker 00 Two hundred and thirty-two.
1:02:55 Speaker 02 Does that mean that someone has written in?
1:02:58 Speaker 00 I don't think they physically have to write in a letter. I think they can do it online or call.
1:03:03 Speaker 02 Hmm. Sort of half-hearted, isn't it?
1:03:06 Speaker 01 Some might have phoned in, emailed. Some of them will be old enough that they had written letters, because that's their life.
1:03:11 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:03:13 Speaker 01 But yeah, either way, imagine doing it.
1:03:16 Speaker 02 I don't think anything could offend me enough that I would write about it.
1:03:22 Speaker 02 I, pardon me?
1:03:23 Speaker 00 Oh yeah, try and beat James's record and get more complaints on Saturday Kitchen.
1:03:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:03:28 Speaker 00 How do you think, how do you think you could do it?
1:03:30 Speaker 02 I've sort of got, the thing is, I don't have the same fanbase as you, James.
1:03:33 Speaker 01 I don't think it's my fanbase to complain.
1:03:39 Speaker 02 I don't think I will do that, but thank you.
1:03:43 Speaker 02 But, um, why am I talking about that? Saturday Kitchen?
1:03:45 Speaker 00 You're on Saturday Kitchen?
1:03:47 Speaker 02 Week.
1:03:47 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:03:48 Speaker 01 Give the citrus IPA.
1:03:49 Speaker 02 Oh, I had a call yesterday, and they were asking me what my, uh, don'ts are.
1:03:54 Speaker 00 Food hell.
1:03:54 Speaker 02 Food hell, sorry.
1:03:56 Speaker 00 They don't call it dooz and don'ts.
1:03:57 Speaker 02 It was literally yesterday, and, um, yeah.
1:04:00 Speaker 01 Oh, I'm definitely watching this on Saturday.
1:04:04 Speaker 02 They asked me my food hell, and I explained lemon and lime. And I got that same fucking response that I get when I say it to a bartender. And she was like, lemon and lime, really? Yes. Really? Even in a drink? Yes. Even in a drink? You don't like it? That's what I just said. But I like lemon and lime. Um, so citrus IPA?
1:04:29 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:04:30 Speaker 02 Is hell to me. Also, I don't like beers or lagers.
1:04:35 Speaker 00 Hmm, that might be a problem then.
1:04:36 Speaker 02 I'm a spiritsman.
1:04:38 Speaker 01 Yeah, oh, we've gathered that.
1:04:41 Speaker 00 So you don't like things that are cold, citrusy, or beer? So a citrus IPA at minus twenty degrees might be a bit of an issue for you?
1:04:50 Speaker 02 I like some things cold. I like a cold Coke in a bottle.
1:04:53 Speaker 00 Mm-hmm.
1:04:56 Speaker 02 Woo.
1:04:57 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:04:57 Speaker 02 Um. I like you work for them.
1:05:02 Speaker 02 I work for bottles. Um, I like, yeah, like, I like some things cold, but.
1:05:08 Speaker 01 So far, it's one thing you like cold. The cold Coke in a bottle, or then the other people who liked it, you murked them.
1:05:17 Speaker 02 I like this, this would be nice if it was cold, wouldn't it?
1:05:20 Speaker 00 I like this, room temp.
1:05:21 Speaker 02 Oh, sorry.
1:05:22 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:05:23 Speaker 02 I've split the room. Um, yeah, I, I'm against that.
1:05:28 Speaker 00 What's gonna be my job on the improv show, do we think, next week?
1:05:31 Speaker 02 Your job?
1:05:31 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
1:05:32 Speaker 02 You'll be chatting to the, also, we don't announce the guests. Uh, you'll be.
1:05:38 Speaker 02 You'll be chatting to the audience, just getting some stories.
1:05:40 Speaker 00 It's sold out.
1:05:42 Speaker 02 It is sold out.
1:05:43 Speaker 00 But you don't want to announce the guests just in case people bring their tickets back? Is this what you're saying?
1:05:48 Speaker 02 We don't announce, why don't we announce a guest?
1:05:50 Speaker 00 Again, not a question for me, Kyle.
1:05:53 Speaker 02 No, because we like it to be a surprise.
1:05:55 Speaker 00 Yeah, yeah.
1:05:56 Speaker 02 We like people to come out and be like, oh, it's him, which I've, I've heard some audible gasps. Uh, Matt Bainton, for example, Lily Allen, when she was a guest, people gasped at that.
1:06:06 Speaker 01 Of course.
1:06:06 Speaker 00 Fat Les's daughter.
1:06:07 Speaker 02 Fat Les's daughter.
1:06:09 Speaker 01 David Harbour in the audience, I bet he guff.
1:06:15 Speaker 01 Not for the first time that day.
1:06:16 Speaker 02 I mean, what was a question?
1:06:20 Speaker 01 Uh, just, we, we just talked about IPA and we got onto that somehow.
1:06:24 Speaker 02 Right, yeah, I'm a spritsman. Um, lagers, beers, that sort of stuff's not for me. I'm not even a wine man. Phil Wang's a wine man.
1:06:32 Speaker 00 Phil Wang's a wine man, I'm a wine man with Phil Wang.
1:06:34 Speaker 02 He bought, when we had that dinner, Shan Three, he. He ordered a fancy wine and he was like, oh, if you don't, even if you don't like wine, you'll enjoy this. And I tasted it and I was like, that's drink.
1:06:50 Speaker 00 That's how you see all wine, it's just drink.
1:06:52 Speaker 02 That's just drink.
1:06:53 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:06:53 Speaker 01 It just tastes like drink.
1:06:54 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:06:54 Speaker 01 We arrived at the dessert, now you had a M&S Black Forest Gato on your birthday.
1:06:58 Speaker 00 Oof.
1:06:59 Speaker 01 For, for the dessert, had to be your birthday, now.
1:07:01 Speaker 02 And you boys generally got one in my dressing room tonight.
1:07:04 Speaker 01 Yeah, we sent one into your dressing room.
1:07:05 Speaker 00 And it was only your birthday, what, eight or nine days ago, so?
1:07:08 Speaker 02 I think eight.
1:07:10 Speaker 00 Yeah, you think?
1:07:10 Speaker 02 I think so. I don't know what day it is today.
1:07:13 Speaker 01 You gonna tell everyone who you share a birthday with, because you were telling us pretty excitedly backstage.
1:07:15 Speaker 02 Fifth of March, anyone?
1:07:19 Speaker 02 Uh, 5th of March, what did you do for your birthday?
1:07:24 Speaker 01 Had chicken keds.
1:07:26 Speaker 02 Nice. Made them or bought them?
1:07:31 Speaker 01 Bought, yes.
1:07:32 Speaker 02 Where from?
1:07:33 Speaker 01 M&S.
1:07:34 Speaker 02 You've got to get them from M&S! Lovely. Happy birthday, mate. If you were closer, I'd give you some of this treat.
1:07:43 Speaker 01 Just if you're wondering how rock and roll it is backstage at the Off Menu Live shows, what we spent about 45 minutes doing was going on Wikipedia and finding out which famous people share our birthdays.
1:07:56 Speaker 02 I remember that.
1:08:00 Speaker 02 You said...
1:08:02 Speaker 01 Well, my top three are Drew Barrymore, Jon Hamm, and Osama bin Laden.
1:08:09 Speaker 01 No one could beat that. They're all go-getters?
1:08:12 Speaker 02 Yeah, that's unbeatable.
1:08:13 Speaker 01 No, we couldn't beat that.
1:08:14 Speaker 02 I can't believe Osama bin Laden's... He's so Pisces.
1:08:21 Speaker 02 Typical Pisces.
1:08:28 Speaker 01 Who shares your birthday, Kyle?
1:08:30 Speaker 02 Eva Mendes.
1:08:32 Speaker 01 Very cool.
1:08:33 Speaker 02 The end. That's it. Just me and her.
1:08:37 Speaker 01 Well, listen, do you want it to be your birthday for this dessert as well? Because Bob's not specified.
1:08:41 Speaker 02 If it's got any lemon and lime in it, then no.
1:08:44 Speaker 01 There's no lemon and lime?
1:08:46 Speaker 02 Really?
1:08:46 Speaker 01 No. The dream dessert we're gonna be giving you, Bob Morton, is syrup sponge pudding with custard. I think it's like what you used to have at school.
1:08:55 Speaker 02 Oh, the one that's sort of, um... Brown.
1:09:01 Speaker 01 I mean, quite a lot of puddings are brown.
1:09:03 Speaker 02 Yeah. Name three.
1:09:07 Speaker 01 Oh, hold on, you got me now.
1:09:11 Speaker 01 A chocolate Swiss roll, a sticky toffee pudding, and... No, you're right, there's nothing else.
1:09:20 Speaker 02 Yeah, I don't mind that. It's not my go-to. I don't love caramel, toffee, syrupy, fudge, those sides.
1:09:28 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:09:28 Speaker 02 What I really like, oh my gosh. So I went to Malaga for my birthday. Last week.
1:09:34 Speaker 01 Last week, yeah.
1:09:35 Speaker 02 Last week.
1:09:35 Speaker 01 We were in Malaga last week.
1:09:36 Speaker 02 In March. Whilst this guy was doing Kevs, I was in Malaga having, ah, fuck, I forgot what it's called. Um, hang on.
1:09:45 Speaker 01 So when you came up with the character of Miles White, who's quite forgetful, what was that? Was there anything you based that on, or you were inspired by?
1:09:53 Speaker 00 Yeah, where do you get your crazy ideas from, Kyle?
1:09:55 Speaker 02 I don't, I really don't know. It's just sort of pop-salamy.
1:09:59 Speaker 01 Before, when we were about to come on-
1:10:00 Speaker 02 Just talk amongst yourselves for a sec whilst I find this.
1:10:02 Speaker 01 Ed and I were about to walk out here at the top of this half, and Kyle was putting that little red neckerchief on, but with just his normal clothes on. And I said to him, "I hope you enjoy us making fun of that red neckerchief", and then ran out here. And you must have been thinking in your head, "You have no idea"
1:10:20 Speaker 01 what I'm gonna be wearing.
1:10:23 Speaker 02 Uh, almendrado.
1:10:28 Speaker 02 Um, my girlfriend's in the audience, I hope. Make some noise? I don't have two girlfriends.
1:10:37 Speaker 01 This is awkward. Oh no.
1:10:40 Speaker 02 Good thing I'm wearing this neckerchief.
1:10:44 Speaker 02 Have I said that correctly?
1:10:46 Speaker 01 Girlfriend? Is that, is it said that correctly?
1:10:48 Speaker 00 That's how you say it?
1:10:49 Speaker 01 Girlfriend.
1:10:52 Speaker 00 I thought I was your fiancee!
1:10:55 Speaker 02 Almendrado. Anyone?
1:11:01 Speaker 00 Well, whatever you said, your voice broke halfway through it. That was-
1:11:06 Speaker 02 Oh no!
1:11:09 Speaker 02 I will read it out to you. Almond crunch, vanilla ice cream wrapped in sponge cake, coated in amaretto toasted almonds with hot chocolate sauce.
1:11:18 Speaker 01 Ooh, yes, please, that sounds great.
1:11:20 Speaker 02 Now, uh, ten euros. I had that. I had that on my birthday, upon my birthday last week, and I genuinely think it might be the best dessert I've ever had.
1:11:32 Speaker 01 Wow.
1:11:32 Speaker 02 It tops the Black Forest Ghetto on my birthday.
1:11:36 Speaker 01 Wow.
1:11:36 Speaker 02 Because this was also on my birthday.
1:11:39 Speaker 01 So you would like to change your dream dessert?
1:11:41 Speaker 02 Exceptional.
1:11:42 Speaker 01 So it's like chocolate wrapped?
1:11:44 Speaker 02 No, the, the chocolate was the sauce, but it was wrapped in like a pastry that was like almond coated.
1:11:50 Speaker 01 Oh, wow.
1:11:50 Speaker 02 Amaretto coated, amaretto style.
1:11:52 Speaker 01 I love the sound of that. That's really good. We never had it shouted out on the podcast before. Just at first, it's quite exciting.
1:11:58 Speaker 02 Yeah, it was really, almendrado.
1:12:00 Speaker 01 Mmm.
1:12:02 Speaker 02 Am I still getting it right?
1:12:03 Speaker 01 No, it's, it's pronounced, oh no!
1:12:11 Speaker 01 Well, you're not having that anyway, you're having syrup and sponge pudding with custard. Yeah, yeah.
1:12:14 Speaker 02 Well, yeah, fine. I mean, I'm not crazy about that. But it's not in my, uh, food hell.
1:12:21 Speaker 01 Yes. Yeah, okay, good. You've learnt that term now.
1:12:25 Speaker 02 Go on Saturday Kitchen, start calling it don'ts.
1:12:28 Speaker 01 What's in your, what's in your food heaven for Saturday Kitchen? Can you give us a little preview of what you've...
1:12:32 Speaker 02 Yeah, of course. Um, what I really enjoy is sort of like honey barbecue meat. So ribs, brisket, um, short rib, that sort of stuff. I'd like that. Lobster mac and cheese, perhaps?
1:12:48 Speaker 01 I don't think this is in the Saturday Kitchen budget.
1:12:52 Speaker 02 Yeah, not after they had to fucking refurbish after you fucked it up.
1:12:58 Speaker 01 Merry Christmas.
1:13:01 Speaker 02 Um, that's the sort of stuff that I, is in my heavens.
1:13:04 Speaker 01 So, as we get to the end of the menu, what do you think of the meal that we've given you today? Bob Mortimer's, I mean, what does it make you think of Bob?
1:13:11 Speaker 02 Uh, I really enjoyed the hot dog element.
1:13:15 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:13:15 Speaker 02 And I'm happy that that was...
1:13:16 Speaker 01 Bearing in mind that he's mixing the sauce with his finger, and that's non-negotiable.
1:13:21 Speaker 02 His finger's non-negotiable.
1:13:26 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:13:26 Speaker 02 Is that happening in front of me, or that's happening in the kitchen?
1:13:29 Speaker 01 What would you rather?
1:13:31 Speaker 02 Well, obviously, I don't want to see him do that.
1:13:33 Speaker 00 But you're gonna know he's done it, so you may as well see him do it, right?
1:13:36 Speaker 01 And he'd just have to look at you and say, "It's good to be alive, son," and lift his finger, so...
1:13:40 Speaker 02 To be fair, I do want to meet him, so...
1:13:42 Speaker 00 Yeah, that's the only way you can meet him. Is if you watch him-
1:13:46 Speaker 02 If he fingers my hot dog.
1:13:47 Speaker 00 Finger your hot dog, yeah. It's good to be alive, son.
1:13:50 Speaker 02 Pros and cons?
1:13:51 Speaker 00 Pros and cons?
1:13:52 Speaker 02 Yeah.
1:13:53 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:13:53 Speaker 02 Alright, yeah, mm, yeah, I'll take that.
1:13:56 Speaker 01 Great.
1:13:56 Speaker 02 So I'm happy with the starter.
1:13:57 Speaker 01 Happy with that? The vindaloo, you're not-
1:14:00 Speaker 02 The vindaloo, I'm not really on board with.
1:14:03 Speaker 00 Because you don't like Indians?
1:14:04 Speaker 02 Because-
1:14:08 Speaker 02 Food! Um, because I don't like, uh, Liliana's dad.
1:14:14 Speaker 01 A shallow-fried turbot on the side, you weren't too keen on that either, for now.
1:14:18 Speaker 00 Well, we didn't really talk about the fish, did we?
1:14:21 Speaker 00 Sort of got stuck on the cooking utensils.
1:14:23 Speaker 02 It was more about the egg.
1:14:25 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
1:14:28 Speaker 02 Um, no, I'll try that.
1:14:31 Speaker 01 You'll try it?
1:14:31 Speaker 02 Look, I'm not against trying stuff, as long as the stuff doesn't have things in that I don't like.
1:14:38 Speaker 01 Like the citrus IPA, for example, which you don't want, minus 20 degrees.
1:14:41 Speaker 02 Exactly that, yeah.
1:14:42 Speaker 01 So, overall, I'd say you probably won't enjoy this meal.
1:14:46 Speaker 02 I think it's half and half.
1:14:47 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:14:48 Speaker 02 Fifty-fifty.
1:14:50 Speaker 01 Thank you for clearing that up.
1:14:55 Speaker 00 Give it up for Kyle Smith-Biner!
1:14:58 Speaker 01 Bye, everybody.
1:15:01 Speaker 00 Thank you so much for coming to Off Menu Line, you've been absolutely amazing! Is he? Thank you so much for coming to the show, goodnight!
1:15:08 Speaker 01 Thank you for coming, thank you so much for coming along! Goodbye!
1:15:12 Speaker 00 Goodnight!
1:15:20 Speaker 00 Well, there we are, James, another Royal Albert Hall ticked off.
1:15:23 Speaker 01 There we go, Kyle Smith-Biner there. Kyle is on tour with his own show called Storybro, which is like an improv show, he's got a whole troupe of people.
1:15:31 Speaker 00 And has a guest, has a guest monologist?
1:15:33 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:15:33 Speaker 00 Or guest question-asker, I've done that.
1:15:35 Speaker 01 You've done that, I've turned it down repeatedly, and will continue to, because it's funny now.
1:15:39 Speaker 00 Yeah, and let me tell you, it is funny when you do it as well.
1:15:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:15:43 Speaker 00 Because Kyle wants it to be cool improv.
1:15:45 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:15:45 Speaker 00 So if you really lay it on thick-
1:15:47 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:15:47 Speaker 00 And try and get them all to put their hands in the middle and say, "Three, two, one, let's improv," they don't like that.
1:15:53 Speaker 01 Kyle hates it.
1:15:54 Speaker 00 Yeah.
1:15:54 Speaker 01 I think.
1:15:55 Speaker 00 But the others really get on board with it.
1:15:56 Speaker 01 Yeah, they love it because it winds up Kyle. Yeah, that's good. Well, I'm definitely going to see that. Tickets at coolstorybro.co.uk.
1:16:04 Speaker 00 It's cool with a K, by the way. It's K S B. Kyle Smith by no cool story bro. That's what's clever.
1:16:10 Speaker 01 I thought you meant cool with a K as in cook. The word cook.
1:16:14 Speaker 00 That's not how spelling works.
1:16:15 Speaker 01 Cool with a K would be.
1:16:17 Speaker 00 Cook would be a different word.
1:16:18 Speaker 01 O O K. Kyle was a cook. Marcus White.
1:16:24 Speaker 00 Oh, thanks. Bye.
1:16:26 Speaker 01 Oh, yes. Goodbye, everyone.
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