Katherine Ryan (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall)

It’s a Monday bonus episode – the second of our live ‘Tasting Menu’ shows at London’s Royal Albert Hall – and our special returning guest is Katherine Ryan! The guest who introduced us all to ‘The Good Morning’ back on episode 45. Listen to Katherine’s podcasts: Telling Everybody Everything https://open.spotify.com/show/5nJSygNrpIQRUAMvFhB2YO and What’s My Age Again? https://open.spotify.com/show/03hS7L0Uu24f49DPgkqAYO wherever you get your podcasts Follow Katherine on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/kathbum/ and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@kathbum @kathbum Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Recorded by Matt Mountford-Lister for Storm Productions Group live at the Royal Albert Hall. Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here https://youtu.be/ug7YEj14yFQ. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:14Speaker 00

  Welcome to the Off Menu podcast.

• 0:16Speaker 01

  But it's a bonus.

• 0:17Speaker 00

  Bonus.

• 0:19Speaker 01

  It's a bonus live episode from the Royal Albert Hall, James. It was show two of six at the Royal Albert Hall.

• 0:25Speaker 00

  The first matinee we did.

• 0:27Speaker 01

  Matinee.

• 0:28Speaker 00

  A hardy Noah.

• 0:30Speaker 01

  Button B.

• 0:31Speaker 00

  This is Katherine Ryan, of course.

• 0:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:34Speaker 00

  A classic off-menu guest.

• 0:37Speaker 01

  Oh.

• 0:37Speaker 00

  Coming back for a tasting menu.

• 0:39Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 0:40Speaker 00

  When she gets given the menu of another past guest.

• 0:43Speaker 01

  What a woman.

• 0:44Speaker 00

  What a woman, what a comedian, what a celeb, what a national treasure.

• 0:50Speaker 01

  Hmm. Genuine star quality, James.

• 0:53Speaker 00

  She got star quality, she's got the X factor.

• 0:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:55Speaker 00

  And that's what you want at a matinee at the Royal Albert Hall. Very happy that Catherine came and did this.

• 1:00Speaker 01

  Some of our guests at the Royal Albert Hall had no star quality, James.

• 1:04Speaker 00

  Absolutely.

• 1:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05Speaker 00

  I mean, we're obviously talking about Nish.

• 1:07Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:08Speaker 00

  And a little bit about Tim.

• 1:09Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11Speaker 00

  But like, still glad that they all said yes.

• 1:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:15Speaker 00

  There will be some stuff we say to Catherine and maybe that Catherine will say to us that won't make sense because there was a first half in the Royal Albert Hall where we messed around and said a bunch of stuff. Benito's actually toying with the idea of editing some of the first halves of the Royal Albert Hall and like putting out the highlights, which I think is mad.

• 1:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:30Speaker 00

  But he says, he says it's his job.

• 1:32Speaker 01

  Yeah. You think it's mad. The way you reacted to that was like Benito said, I'm going to go and trawl, trawl through a big pile of human shit.

• 1:40Speaker 00

  Yes. That is like, that's what he said. I feel like in Jurassic Park when they get out the car and they're going to go, we're going to like trawl through this triceratops dung. And Jeff Goldblum's like, you shouldn't do that.

• 1:51Speaker 01

  Benito's like the guy who lost that, lost all his Bitcoin and he wants to go and search the dump.

• 1:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's exactly like that.

• 1:58Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:58Speaker 00

  Searching the dump for his Bitcoin.

• 2:00Speaker 01

  Bad for that guy, man.

• 2:01Speaker 00

  Yeah?

• 2:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just got to let it go, but.

• 2:05Speaker 00

  I guess he can't, at this point, the more that he pursues it, less likely, the more he's got to lose if he backs out. So he's got to kind of like, because this is time now, not just his money.

• 2:14Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, this is the situation that Benito's.

• 2:17Speaker 00

  This is what Benito's in, it's his time and his money. So he's too proud to back out at this point. But he shouldn't edit down those first halves because it will be, it will not be worth it.

• 2:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:27Speaker 00

  Not for him.

• 2:27Speaker 01

  We said some funny stuff.

• 2:29Speaker 00

  We said some funny stuff in the first half.

• 2:30Speaker 01

  Do you remember what we got in the audience?

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, we walked into, we discovered that walking into the audience was the way to go.

• 2:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 2:35Speaker 00

  That was the, like Barrymore.

• 2:38Speaker 00

  Like Barrymore. Shall we listen to Katherine Ryan?

• 2:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, it's so good.

• 2:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, okay.

• 2:44Speaker 01

  This is the off-menu tasting menu of Katherine Ryan.

• 2:58Speaker 01

  Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the, thank you. Absolutely heartbreaking if that was the opening of the whole show. Taking Claire Bear's noodle soup of conversation. And thrown it in the bin because it's an unhealthy mother and son relationship.

• 3:20Speaker 00

  That is a gamble. My name is James. Thank you, Catherine. Together we own a dream restaurant. And every single week we invite a guest and ask them their favourite ever start, a main course, dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. This week, we're doing a tasting menu and our guest is Katherine Ryan.

• 3:36Speaker 01

  Very, very excited to have Catherine back on the pod. Of course, it's a tasting menu Catherine will be receiving the dream menu of another previous fan favourite guest. Who that will be will be revealed when we bring Catherine to the stage. But let's get on with it, James. Please welcome to the stage Katherine Ryan.

• 4:03Speaker 01

  Hello Catherine.

• 4:08Speaker 01

  Take a seat right here Catherine. Welcome, welcome.

• 4:13Speaker 02

  Boys, in my dressing room, you gave me the ingredients to make my signature drink from my appearance on, off menu.

• 4:20Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 4:21Speaker 02

  And your lovely tour manager from Liverpool gave me the sharpest knife, of course.

• 4:30Speaker 02

  And I've been chopping so many chilies, limes, and it's way too spicy now. I've made like a picante, picante. I've ruined it.

• 4:39Speaker 00

  It's disgusting?

• 4:39Speaker 02

  Do you want to try it? No, it's good if you're from Mexico.

• 4:44Speaker 01

  James, you're from Mexico, aren't you?

• 4:46Speaker 00

  See.

• 4:50Speaker 00

  Before it's even gone in my mouth, I'm choking on it.

• 4:53Speaker 02

  It's so spicy.

• 4:54Speaker 00

  It's so spicy.

• 4:55Speaker 02

  It's wild.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  This was the Good Morning is the name of the cocktail, I believe you told us?

• 5:00Speaker 02

  It's the good, but it's wild, right? Taste the Good Morning.

• 5:03Speaker 00

  That's insane.

• 5:05Speaker 01

  Fucking hell Catherine.

• 5:08Speaker 02

  But I just loved the knife.

• 5:13Speaker 02

  Taste it.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  It's like being pepper sprayed in the mouth. Give it to those 13 year olds.

• 5:19Speaker 01

  Give it to the twins, come on.

• 5:20Speaker 02

  You're not meant to give, you're not meant to give audience members glass, but, right? Yeah.

• 5:28Speaker 01

  Yeah, wow. I mean, for me, it was when the chili fumes hit the back of my throat before the liquid had got in there. It's honestly like a weapon of war.

• 5:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's insane. You're not gonna be able to finish that.

• 5:40Speaker 02

  I've gone hardcore since I last saw you.

• 5:43Speaker 01

  Yeah?

• 5:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:44Speaker 01

  Tell us some, tell us some ways with which you've gone hardcore with your drinking and eating.

• 5:49Speaker 02

  Just chilies.

• 5:50Speaker 01

  Just chilies.

• 5:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, well, it's been a time when I, was it, it was immediately post lockdown when I first appeared on your show.

• 5:59Speaker 00

  Right.

• 6:00Speaker 02

  And since then, there are wars that we're not allowed to talk about on Mock the Week.

• 6:06Speaker 02

  Did you know that? Are you coming on this season?

• 6:08Speaker 01

  I'm not, I'm not, I'm not going on Mock the Week this series, no.

• 6:11Speaker 02

  Is it because you have your own surprise new vehicle?

• 6:14Speaker 01

  We have a rival panel show on TLC coming out.

• 6:18Speaker 02

  Will we be talking about the war on that?

• 6:20Speaker 01

  I think so. I think that's very much the vibe of my new panel show on TLC. It's, what we do is we talk about all the things that you're not allowed to talk about on Mock the Week. That's, yeah, yeah.

• 6:31Speaker 02

  No, I just live fast, die young. That's my motto, like you, James.

• 6:35Speaker 00

  We're talking about fun wars?

• 6:39Speaker 00

  I remember Mock the Week never let us talk about fun wars. Did you do fun wars in Canada?

• 6:44Speaker 02

  Yeah. Oh, yes.

• 6:45Speaker 00

  Were you good at them?

• 6:47Speaker 02

  Uh, no.

• 6:47Speaker 00

  Did you do- I'm gonna get in the lamp. I meant to do my beginning. I just realised I haven't done my proper beginning, Catherine.

• 6:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, sorry, James isn't a genie yet, so obviously-

• 6:56Speaker 00

  I meant to do a proper beginning.

• 6:57Speaker 01

  As you know, Catherine, James is a genie in this podcast. So-

• 7:08Speaker 00

  Welcome, Kevin Ryan, back to the Dean Last Drop, and we've spent you some time.

• 7:15Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 7:16Speaker 00

  You were meant to rub the lamp, but I think, I think that we've all forgotten about.

• 7:21Speaker 01

  Normally, we get someone to rub the lamp in the traditional genie style, for the genie to then emerge. But unfortunately, James, not for the first time in your life, it went off by itself.

• 7:32Speaker 00

  You got me. Now, Catherine, is there anyone in particular whose menu you are hoping for today?

• 7:39Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 7:39Speaker 00

  A past guest who, maybe you don't know their menu, but maybe you're like, I'd like to eat what that person eats, so I'm respectful.

• 7:46Speaker 02

  I really liked Michelle Deschamps, like, very cheese-based. Wasn't every course cheese?

• 7:54Speaker 01

  No, I believe, I believe she started with a vape.

• 7:59Speaker 01

  I believe her starter involved having maybe a triple mango lost Mary.

• 8:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 8:04Speaker 01

  The connoisseur's choice, of course.

• 8:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, definitely I would like to try a life like that.

• 8:11Speaker 00

  Michelle was very rude. That's all I remember. She said that I was like, if there was an episode of Seinfeld where Kramer's English cousin is coming to visit.

• 8:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:24Speaker 00

  And Kramer's stressing out because the cousin's so weird and everyone's telling Kramer, but he's exactly like you.

• 8:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 8:30Speaker 02

  People don't like you to assess that. Like, when people compare me to anyone, it's Crazy Amy from Kitchen Nightmares. People know who that is and I do resemble her. And then once Richard Osman got cross because I compared him to a cross between Marie Curie and a Great Dane.

• 8:52Speaker 01

  Why would he get cross about that? That's a lovely thing to say.

• 8:55Speaker 02

  I felt like it was spot on, so.

• 8:58Speaker 01

  Marie Curie did a lot, you know, did a lot for everyone and Great Danes are nice dogs.

• 9:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 9:04Speaker 02

  Thank you, Ed. Yeah, it was not meant to be an insult.

• 9:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. You are, I mean, that is the most you've ever been read, I'd say, James, that you are like Kramer's English cousin.

• 9:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. The only reason I didn't like the Kramer thing is because it was absolutely spot on and she'd done me.

• 9:18Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's not Michelle Deswharts' menu that we're giving you.

• 9:22Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 9:22Speaker 00

  No, we can reveal the off-menu menu that you'll be enjoying today is that of Joe Wilkinson.

• 9:35Speaker 00

  Opinions on Joe Wilkinson?

• 9:37Speaker 02

  Hate.

• 9:40Speaker 00

  Fair enough.

• 9:41Speaker 02

  You know, I got into a mess like this with Louis Theroux once where he asked me what I thought of a certain gentleman and it went quite viral and my opinions about Joe Wilkinson are the same.

• 9:54Speaker 02

  No, I love Joe. We did a travel show together. So I got to spend a lot of one-on-one time with Joe abroad. And the format was that we were going on bargain holidays for Channel 4. A bargain channel.

• 10:13Speaker 02

  And I was really excited to take Joe's lead on all of these things until we flew to a country that could only be accessed via Wiz Air. And someone on our flight shot himself.

• 10:28Speaker 01

  Someone?

• 10:33Speaker 02

  Joe shot himself.

• 10:36Speaker 02

  No, someone did. And he wasn't, you know, infirmed or like super elderly. He was just, I think, on pills. And he wore sunglasses the entire time and was unapologetic about the incident. And that was fine. But the trouble was, all the people around him wanted to get away. So they moved to the front of the aircraft, where I was. Which was a safety risk because of the weight distribution. And all the staff were like, "You can't all be at the front of the aircraft. You have to go sit near this guy who's shot himself." And they were like, "No, we won't." And then I thought, I thought that I was gonna die on a Wiz Air flight.

• 11:19Speaker 01

  Yeah. Did the plane fit? And then the shit just started sliding all the way down to where you were. Running away from the shit like Indiana Jones in The Boulder.

• 11:31Speaker 01

  I would've sat next to the shit guy. I wouldn't have minded that. Thank you, man.

• 11:36Speaker 02

  You're a man of the people, Ed.

• 11:37Speaker 01

  I am, very much. I've never flown Wiz Air.

• 11:41Speaker 02

  Well, now none of us will.

• 11:44Speaker 01

  Weird to be called Wiz Air and then the guy does a big shit.

• 11:50Speaker 02

  I have to say, the flight crew handled it very professionally.

• 11:54Speaker 01

  They handled it?

• 11:57Speaker 00

  I like to think that there was someone pissing himself on dump airways.

• 12:04Speaker 00

  I think we got our tickets mixed up.

• 12:10Speaker 00

  So, when you came on, you had still water. So hopefully you will like Joe Wilkinson's water course. The water course, the dream water course of Joe Wilkinson is tap from Ed's garden tap.

• 12:23Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 12:25Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 12:26Speaker 01

  We eventually got to where Joe thinks there's no difference between any tap waters. And we said, we could imagine him drinking from a garden tap. So he said he could drink from my garden tap from the hose. I've got one of those hoses, I don't know what hoses you're rocking at your house, Catherine, but the ones that contract up. And then when you turn them on, they get, they get all long.

• 12:45Speaker 02

  What?

• 12:46Speaker 01

  Have you seen those ones? They go all wrinkly.

• 12:48Speaker 02

  Like an accordion?

• 12:49Speaker 01

  Like an accordion. I think on the episode I said like a foreskin, but accordion works as well. They go, they go all wrinkly and then you turn on the tap and it goes out like a normal hose.

• 12:59Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 12:59Speaker 01

  It's pretty good.

• 13:00Speaker 00

  Ed doesn't have a foreskin.

• 13:02Speaker 01

  Yes. I don't know how they work. I compare everything, everything to foreskins just in case.

• 13:08Speaker 02

  Can we, can we explore why you don't have a foreskin?

• 13:11Speaker 01

  Happy to.

• 13:17Speaker 01

  Circumcised when I was 23.

• 13:19Speaker 00

  Just waving to the 13-year-olds before you start this.

• 13:23Speaker 01

  Circumcised when I was 23, due to tightness issues.

• 13:27Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 13:28Speaker 01

  Very tight foreskin, kept everything under wraps there.

• 13:31Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 13:31Speaker 00

  He had a very funny routine about it, about how, when he, when he came round from the anaesthetic, he said to the nurse, "Have they sorted out my cataracts?"

• 13:37Speaker 01

  Yes. It was a good bit.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  The best way I can describe it is, you know on a hoodie when you've got the drawstrings and someone pulls them really tight for a laugh? That was like, that was what my penis was like.

• 13:54Speaker 02

  Fine.

• 13:55Speaker 01

  Thank you.

• 13:57Speaker 00

  Do you think you would like to have water from?

• 14:02Speaker 01

  You've got to be quicker with that question, brother.

• 14:07Speaker 00

  Ed's garden tap?

• 14:09Speaker 02

  I would actually sooner drink from a foreskin because I think that

• 14:16Speaker 02

  it sounds to me like keeping moisture, and we're back to the garden hose now, in an accordion style like structure, I think is a breeding ground for bacteria.

• 14:29Speaker 01

  Interesting.

• 14:29Speaker 02

  So I would not drink from Ed's garden hose. No, thank you.

• 14:32Speaker 00

  Yeah, this is the difference between you and Joe Wilkinson.

• 14:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:35Speaker 00

  Is that you will think pretty quickly about how clean is that? You know, how hygienic is that? Joe Wilkinson is just like quite excited about living like a dog, essentially.

• 14:48Speaker 00

  That is very different. So you, but that is what we're gonna have to bring you.

• 14:51Speaker 02

  Fine.

• 14:52Speaker 00

  Is, uh, if I might, I mean, do you wanna drink it straight from the tap, straight from the hose?

• 14:57Speaker 02

  I will, because I've had this chili infused good morning with Don Julio white tequila, and I feel like any germs in my mouth will be immediately dead.

• 15:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, I mean, I, my lips are still tingling after one sip. Your lips tingling?

• 15:12Speaker 01

  Oh, big time, yeah.

• 15:13Speaker 02

  It was wild.

• 15:13Speaker 00

  Your lips tingling? This is mad. I'm trying to focus on like, you know, doing a live podcast at the Royal Albert Hall, but my lips are on fire.

• 15:25Speaker 00

  How do they do Hot Ones?

• 15:28Speaker 01

  The show Hot Ones.

• 15:29Speaker 00

  How do they even get through that? I think they'd be really hot.

• 15:34Speaker 00

  They'd be really spicy, that chicken. I think it'd make it really hard to focus on the answers to the questions.

• 15:41Speaker 00

  Not a very practical show.

• 15:44Speaker 00

  Joe Wilkinson, so you chose as your bread course Corn Chips and Salsa. You were one of the first people to hack this course

• 15:51Speaker 02

  Mmm.

• 15:51Speaker 00

  and not go poppadoms or bread, and you went Corn Chips and Salsa.

• 15:55Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 15:56Speaker 00

  Joe Wilkinson had his dream bread, nice crusty bread that doesn't fill him up.

• 16:03Speaker 00

  See, that sounds alright.

• 16:04Speaker 02

  What? How?

• 16:06Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 16:07Speaker 02

  Like, does he access a paleo crusty bread? Does he mean, like, very thin?

• 16:12Speaker 01

  I think he was invoking the genie's powers to suggest that you could create a bread. A genie could create a bread that you can eat loads of, but it doesn't fill you up. Because this is a big thing we get on the podcast.

• 16:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:24Speaker 01

  Of people coming on and going, "Ooh, I love bread, but if I eat too much of it, it fills me up for the meal." And I always go, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." And I think it's time for me to admit, I don't fucking know what they're on about.

• 16:35Speaker 00

  Really?

• 16:35Speaker 01

  I will eat bread all day and then eat a full meal. I don't care.

• 16:39Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 16:40Speaker 01

  I will eat all the bread and bring me more bread, and then I will eat the full meal that I've ordered.

• 16:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, you've got to start being more honest on our podcast.

• 16:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:46Speaker 00

  Not too honest. Get your politics out of it.

• 16:50Speaker 02

  Save it for your panel show.

• 16:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, save it for this risky panel show that's coming out that loves war or whatever.

• 16:58Speaker 01

  Just for the listener, to let you know how spicy the drink was, Catherine just topped it up with a full can of water.

• 17:05Speaker 02

  Because I kept going back to it, because I do love to get fucked up in the daytime.

• 17:11Speaker 02

  But it was too many chilies. Yeah, yeah. You've got a lot of parents in the matinee. Yep, yep, yep.

• 17:18Speaker 00

  And you're taking your shoes off?

• 17:20Speaker 02

  Yeah. Is that okay?

• 17:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, absolutely. But I didn't know that that's how spicy this drink was.

• 17:26Speaker 01

  You don't want them firing off into the audience when you have a sip.

• 17:29Speaker 02

  I just thought I'd get cozy. I like it here, and I'm proud of you guys.

• 17:33Speaker 01

  Thanks, Catherine.

• 17:35Speaker 00

  I'm proud of us. Nice crusty, so crusty bread, though, sounds nice? I mean, I guess you'd still rather the tortilla chips than this.

• 17:43Speaker 02

  Well, controversially, and there will be already some people in the UK who know this about me, it is one of my most hateable qualities is that I don't like bread at all. I won't eat it. I basically have never eaten it.

• 17:55Speaker 00

  You've never eaten it ever?

• 17:56Speaker 02

  Not, like, by accident a few times. I just...

• 18:01Speaker 00

  You're getting booed.

• 18:02Speaker 02

  I know, I know. So I went on Room 101 years ago, and you have to put things infamously into a room and lock it away forever. And I put an actual person in that room. I put Cheryl Tweedy.

• 18:20Speaker 02

  Cole, whatever, Cheryl, in the room. And I had some gags about her that were fun.

• 18:27Speaker 01

  Why did you put her in there?

• 18:28Speaker 02

  Um, because I think that she would glass you in an alley in an instant.

• 18:35Speaker 02

  I think she's very beautiful, like gorgeous like a baby, you know, like.

• 18:42Speaker 02

  And really tiny and everyone loves her, but I think we were tricked by how beautiful she was.

• 18:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:47Speaker 02

  And I had a hypothesis that she was pure evil and even God is throwing everything he can at this thing. Malaria, it won't die.

• 18:57Speaker 02

  Just a bit of fun at the expense of Cheryl Cole.

• 19:00Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 19:00Speaker 02

  And people didn't mind me putting a real, living, breathing, beautiful, human woman in room 101, but I also put bread and I got death threats for that.

• 19:11Speaker 02

  Mostly from the north. They were like, how dare you? But I don't like it. I have Celtic ethnicity. A lot of people in my family have celiac disease, so. Hey!

• 19:23Speaker 01

  So do you have celiac? Are you worried that you're gonna trigger it if you start eating bread?

• 19:27Speaker 02

  So, I didn't grow up knowing I had celiac, but I do have celiac. But I never found out because I never eat bread.

• 19:34Speaker 01

  Well, that's a sort of best of both worlds really, because then I guess bread holds this horrible potential for you. Where you're like, one day I might try it and my head might pop off.

• 19:42Speaker 00

  That's what happens with your c-?

• 19:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, man.

• 19:44Speaker 00

  Was that what that sound was a minute ago?

• 19:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:47Speaker 00

  Woo!

• 19:49Speaker 00

  The old head popping off?

• 19:50Speaker 02

  So I will eat Joe Wilkinson's crusty bread, but I will have to immediately board a Wizz Air flight.

• 20:01Speaker 00

  So your starter was potato latkes with smoked salmon from the Four Seasons in Toronto.

• 20:05Speaker 02

  Whoa, I was living a different life.

• 20:08Speaker 00

  You wouldn't choose that now?

• 20:10Speaker 02

  Uh, no, I would. I just forgot that I had access to such luxuries.

• 20:15Speaker 01

  No longer? No longer have access to these luxuries?

• 20:18Speaker 02

  Not really. Like, when I just had my oldest daughter, who's now 16, we would go, she was so portable, we would go anywhere. I'd go to the Four Seasons and have potato lat-ty-? Lat- what did you call them?

• 20:29Speaker 00

  Latkes.

• 20:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, latkes.

• 20:32Speaker 01

  Very portable, very portable daughter. If you don't know this, Catherine's daughter is on wheels.

• 20:39Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I just haven't been to the Four Seasons, I guess, in a while. And I'd forgotten about smoked salmon. Because now I just eat like fistfuls of rice over the sink in between.

• 20:51Speaker 02

  In between school runs. Yeah.

• 20:53Speaker 00

  What are you hoping for from Joe Wilkinson then?

• 20:57Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 20:57Speaker 00

  As a starter.

• 20:59Speaker 02

  I know Joe, well, I ate with him a lot when we travelled around these bargain holidays. He made me, he so, told me that it would be a bargain that we spend the afternoon cleaning rubbish off a beach, and we would get a free hot dog at the end. And he really enjoyed that hot dog. I saw him eat charcuterie a few times. He drank a lot of Fanta.

• 21:26Speaker 02

  So I think it's gonna be like Bangor's Amash or something.

• 21:29Speaker 00

  Okay, the dream starter of Joe Wilkinson is prawn cocktail. Now, it's got thinly sliced iceberg lettuce, little frozen prawns, and he was very specific that the prawns have to be very little, those little piddly ones.

• 21:42Speaker 01

  Frozen.

• 21:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, that are frozen. A mix of tomato puree and mayonnaise, a pinch of paprika, and a slice of lemon for decoration.

• 21:51Speaker 02

  How'd you get that out of Joe Wilkinson?

• 21:53Speaker 00

  Well, how did we get him to say that?

• 21:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:55Speaker 01

  Honestly, it took a long fucking time. It was, it was a live one. It was maybe forty minutes to get the starter out of him. And specifically as well, that would be made by his mum. His mum's.

• 22:06Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 22:07Speaker 01

  Prawn cocktail that he sees his mum every week on his way to football and stays for forty minutes.

• 22:13Speaker 02

  He eats slowly as well.

• 22:14Speaker 01

  He eats slowly. But yeah, but this is, this is a theme running through this menu that rather than have the best version of something he likes, he wants the most disappointing version of it. So he wants the prawns to have been frozen and defrosted. He wants the mayonnaise mixed with tomato puree, which I don't think is how you make the dressing for a prawn cocktail.

• 22:33Speaker 00

  Normally it's tomato sauce and mayonnaise together with some like.

• 22:38Speaker 01

  Oh, and the lemon is there, and he wants to take the lemon and then throw it in the bin.

• 22:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's not actually using the lemon or squeezing it over anything there.

• 22:45Speaker 02

  Well, sometimes the shit version of something is better than the best. So when I moved to this country, there wasn't access to Taco Bell. There was no Taco Bell. I was pregnant with my aforementioned oldest daughter. And I would say to people, "I just really miss Taco Bell." And they go, "Well, there was a lovely Mexican." I said, "No, I don't think you listen to me properly. Taco Bell. I'm not looking for lovely Mexican. I'm looking for Taco Bell. The opposite of lovely Mexican." And now there are many of them.

• 23:15Speaker 01

  Are they as deliciously shit as you remember?

• 23:19Speaker 02

  Yes. Maybe even worse. Yeah, I would eat this. I'm impressed by Joe. And I would like to meet Joe's mother. I think it's important that we all meet Joe Wilkinson's mother.

• 23:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'd like to meet Joe Wilkinson's mother. In my imagination, there's no way she doesn't have a full beard like Joe.

• 23:42Speaker 01

  She's a bearded mum, for sure.

• 23:45Speaker 00

  Also, I'm not sure the shit version of something is always better than the best. I'd rather listen to off-menu podcasts than, I don't know, Dish or...

• 23:55Speaker 00

  That Jessie Ware one Table Manners, that's shit.

• 24:00Speaker 02

  I didn't know there was so much rivalry in the food-based podcast world.

• 24:03Speaker 00

  Well, there's not really. No one holds a candle to us.

• 24:08Speaker 00

  We're streets ahead. We don't have to worry about any of that. They're chasing us. They're thinking about us 24/7, I'd imagine. Imagine all they do is think about us and talk about us all the time. But who would you rather sit down with and talk about food? Me and this legend or Grimmy?

• 24:28Speaker 01

  I love Grimmy.

• 24:30Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, sorry, me too.

• 24:35Speaker 02

  It's Jessie Ware Ed hates.

• 24:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:37Speaker 01

  Big fan of Jessie Ware. I've been on both those podcasts.

• 24:40Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 24:41Speaker 02

  Whoa!

• 24:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:42Speaker 00

  And I have been invited.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  Yeah. A clip of me on Table Manners went more viral than any clip from this podcast.

• 24:50Speaker 00

  What?

• 24:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, because I started, I got myself into a situation where I had to describe to Jessie Ware's mum where the band Limp Bizkit got their name from.

• 25:01Speaker 00

  Explain it to those kids.

• 25:02Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 25:05Speaker 01

  That's fine, because I've got my back to them. So, there's a game called Soggy Biscuit.

• 25:10Speaker 02

  Oh no.

• 25:11Speaker 01

  Where...

• 25:14Speaker 01

  Where if you've not heard of this, great game. You've got to... You don't need to buy anything for the game, really, apart from a biscuit. There's not like... You don't need to buy a board or anything. It's fun at home for... Not all the family, but, um... Everyone, uh, who... I mean, it's for people with penises, really. You gather round it. You all start masturbating around the biscuit.

• 25:38Speaker 00

  Lot of people don't know this.

• 25:39Speaker 01

  A lot of people genuinely don't know this.

• 25:41Speaker 00

  This is kind of worst-case scenario, I'd say.

• 25:44Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 25:45Speaker 00

  That you are actually telling a lot of people about this for the first time in the Royal Albert Hall.

• 25:50Speaker 01

  Well, you can see why the clip went viral. It was me telling a woman in her 60s in her own kitchen about this game.

• 25:58Speaker 00

  With her daughter present.

• 25:59Speaker 01

  And then you... And then, obviously, like, the winner, you've got to come as quickly as possible onto the biscuit, and the loser, uh, the loser has to eat the biscuit. I was mortified that I did that, uh, and that no one knew what the game was, and I had to explain it on the podcast. And on the way home, I Googled it, and that's not why they called it Limbiscuit at all.

• 26:24Speaker 00

  It's all in your head.

• 26:26Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 26:27Speaker 02

  We have that game in Canada. For ice hockey players would do it, but we... Our name is not as good. It's Cookie in the Middle. Cookie in the Middle!

• 26:37Speaker 01

  That's so sweet!

• 26:38Speaker 02

  It's no good. Soggy biscuit. You have better words for everything. Like naught, I think, is a beautiful word.

• 26:44Speaker 01

  It's lovely, isn't it? Yeah. Thank you.

• 26:49Speaker 02

  I feel like, leave it to the Brits to add a touch of whimsy to even the darkest of subjects.

• 26:54Speaker 01

  What do you call them in Canada?

• 26:55Speaker 02

  Uncle.

• 27:00Speaker 02

  We have to say, Uncle.

• 27:05Speaker 02

  If I opened a restaurant, if, and it's never gonna happen, like a Michelin star restaurant, that kind of, I would call it Nons.

• 27:13Speaker 02

  Don't you think it sounds elevated?

• 27:14Speaker 01

  It sounds French, doesn't it? It sounds very French.

• 27:16Speaker 02

  Woo, you've got to get a booking at Nons.

• 27:21Speaker 02

  Try the aged venison filet.

• 27:24Speaker 01

  Not aged too much, though.

• 27:25Speaker 02

  Not too much.

• 27:30Speaker 01

  Today's episode of the Off Menu podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.

• 27:36Speaker 00

  Oh, man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan, do you know what I mean?

• 27:42Speaker 01

  I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofas, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast, but you know what? We very rarely talk about where we want to eat this dream meal.

• 28:02Speaker 00

  Sure, yeah, I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the setting, the vibe. And Cozy's modular, customizable furniture for the whole home does just that.

• 28:12Speaker 01

  And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room, and I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful, cozy table, linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James, you're a mucky pup.

• 28:34Speaker 00

  I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the Cozy furniture?

• 28:37Speaker 01

  No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs, you telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere, don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.

• 28:49Speaker 00

  Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?

• 28:53Speaker 01

  Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles, and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well. And that's where Cozy comes in.

• 29:09Speaker 00

  And because it's Cozy, the furniture isn't just good-looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers, and free design consultations if you want help making the whole room work.

• 29:21Speaker 01

  And it's easy to order, ship and assemble and maintain, James. The only way is the Cozy way.

• 29:27Speaker 00

  Visit Cozy today, that's C O Z E Y dot com and make yourself at home.

• 29:35Speaker 00

  For your main course, you had a Bangkok stir fry from Salad King, also in Toronto.

• 29:41Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I was just talking to my husband Bobby about this stir fry on the way in. He was asking me about my menu.

• 29:49Speaker 02

  I was really hungry all the time when I lived in Toronto and went to uni. I think you're always hungry in uni. And then I think I wasn't sure, I was trying to reminisce because he lived in Toronto as well. I said, was that stir fry so great or was I just really hungry? And we don't know.

• 30:06Speaker 00

  Bobby doesn't know. Did Bobby ever try it?

• 30:08Speaker 02

  Bobby's not a stir fry guy.

• 30:10Speaker 00

  No, what's Bobby eat?

• 30:12Speaker 02

  Meat exclusively.

• 30:14Speaker 00

  I've only met Bobby twice, but I do think he's a meat guy.

• 30:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:17Speaker 00

  He'd feed me in a steak.

• 30:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 30:19Speaker 00

  Bloody.

• 30:20Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 30:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bobby's cool.

• 30:25Speaker 00

  The dream main course that you're gonna be given.

• 30:27Speaker 02

  Oh no.

• 30:28Speaker 00

  The dream main course of Joe Wilkinson is two chicken kiyabs. From Waitrose though, with chips and peas, not from Waitrose, and loads of ketchup.

• 30:41Speaker 00

  Ketchup fan there?

• 30:43Speaker 02

  A lot of fans of Joe Wilkinson's menu there.

• 30:45Speaker 01

  Joe got really worried that he was having to pay for the meal.

• 30:51Speaker 01

  So he really specified that, yes, the chicken kiyabs can come from Waitrose because they're nice. But then the chips and peas, he'd go to a supermarket that cost less. How do you feel about chicken kiyabs, Catherine?

• 31:02Speaker 02

  I actually love them. I am allergic to them, I know now. If you have celiac, you can't have that either or any fun.

• 31:09Speaker 00

  We're actually only allowed to call them chicken. We can't talk about war.

• 31:18Speaker 02

  A mock the week, it's just chicken.

• 31:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:20Speaker 00

  Just chicken.

• 31:21Speaker 01

  It was, they did, people started calling him Chicken Keeves though, didn't they?

• 31:24Speaker 02

  Yeah. During the war, like if any silver lining from that conflict is that the general western public learnt how to pronounce Keeve correctly.

• 31:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, I bet they were delighted by that.

• 31:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:37Speaker 01

  They were like, "We don't need any more help, just make sure you rename one of your snacks."

• 31:42Speaker 00

  Joe was very clear that it was important that the Chicken Keeves leaked garlic butter.

• 31:50Speaker 01

  Keeves, James.

• 31:51Speaker 00

  Keeves, Tim Keeves. As they're being cooked in the oven, the garlic butter must just leak out of them onto the tray.

• 31:58Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 31:59Speaker 00

  So that, and so that the bottom is quite soggy.

• 32:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:02Speaker 00

  And the whole thing, he said disappointment was a big part of the meal and it has to be disappointing.

• 32:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:08Speaker 00

  And he doesn't want it to be, because we were like, we could use like, it's your dream meal, we could make sure it's the perfect, he's like, "No, it has to be there that leaks out and that it's all soggy and it's disappointing when I'm eating it, I'm disappointed."

• 32:20Speaker 02

  So Joe's dream is to be disappointed.

• 32:22Speaker 00

  Yes. Can you even like, try and, I mean, I find it very hard to relate to.

• 32:29Speaker 02

  I wonder how Joe's doing now because he, because it must be very awkward for him that since he appeared on Celebrity Traders.

• 32:38Speaker 00

  Oh yeah.

• 32:39Speaker 02

  He reached a new level of notoriety, I'm sure, like that was such a big series. Then he had that Christmas advert where he's snogging Keira Knightley.

• 32:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 32:48Speaker 00

  That was a weird one. Wasn't that that his wife had died and so he was allowed to snog Keira Knightley? Is that the Christmas advert that he did?

• 32:56Speaker 01

  Is that what happened, was like?

• 32:58Speaker 02

  He's met a new genie.

• 33:02Speaker 01

  First wish, I want my wife to die.

• 33:05Speaker 00

  As far as I'm aware, people might be able to like, correct me on this, but it's like, the premise is that his wife dies and then he's got his like, you know, hall pass list or whatever of people that if he meets them, he's allowed to get with them. And then he meets Keira Knightley and he's like, "Great, my wife's dead and I get to get with Keira Knightley now." Is that?

• 33:26Speaker 02

  Was that the premise?

• 33:26Speaker 00

  The Christmas thing that he did?

• 33:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, people are saying yes, James. Yeah, that's weird. It was a long advert. I was just captivated by Joe. I thought, oh, there's my friend Joe. I didn't, I didn't know why he got to snog Keira Knightley. I was just, I doubt, he was disappointed by that.

• 33:45Speaker 00

  I bet he was very happy with that, but like, I don't know why his wife had to die.

• 33:49Speaker 02

  Maybe the garlic butter leaked out of her the entire time. She had a really soggy bottom.

• 33:57Speaker 01

  When Joe was on Celebrity Tracers, I'd say I've never seen more posts and messages from very thirsty women going, Joe Wilkinson's my new crush.

• 34:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:09Speaker 01

  There's something about that guy. They fucking love Joe Wilkinson.

• 34:12Speaker 00

  When their husbands die, they're gonna get him.

• 34:17Speaker 00

  Do you, did you watch Celebrity Traitors?

• 34:19Speaker 02

  I did, yeah, I loved it.

• 34:20Speaker 00

  Did you think, I'm seeing Joe in a new light now and I wanna kiss him on the face?

• 34:23Speaker 02

  I see him in the same light I've always seen him, extremely fuckable.

• 34:29Speaker 00

  Would you go on Celebrity Traitors?

• 34:32Speaker 02

  Again, ask that question quickly. I thought you were gonna say something else about Joe.

• 34:37Speaker 00

  Would you go on Joe Wilkinson?

• 34:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:40Speaker 02

  For the right fee.

• 34:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 34:42Speaker 02

  It'd be tough to be away from my kids for four weeks, though.

• 34:45Speaker 01

  Be a nice end to the bargain holiday show, wouldn't it?

• 34:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. I know some people going on the next Celebrity Traitors. So do you. A few comedians in, not me. Yeah.

• 34:55Speaker 00

  I don't know anyone who's doing it.

• 34:57Speaker 02

  Oh, I do.

• 34:58Speaker 01

  So you... I can't be party to this conversation contractually.

• 35:05Speaker 01

  Catherine, I am the host of the Extra Show. I'm part of the Traitors family.

• 35:09Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 35:09Speaker 01

  I cannot be here for some sort of splashy headline situation.

• 35:14Speaker 01

  Katherine Ryan reveals who's on next Celebrity Traitors while sat next to someone who relies on this show to pay his fucking mortgage.

• 35:24Speaker 02

  Do they tell you in advance?

• 35:26Speaker 01

  No.

• 35:34Speaker 00

  I'm gonna have to banish Ed.

• 35:37Speaker 00

  Worst liar ever. Ed is a traitor.

• 35:40Speaker 01

  Do you think you'd be good on it, though, Catherine?

• 35:42Speaker 02

  No, obviously not. Well, a clip from your podcast came into my algorithm the other day, and I love you guys, so I watched it. And you were speaking about the text-to-all game on Michael McIntyre. And then, by surprise, my name came into the mix. And you said, "Oh, when I got a text from Katherine Ryan, she said I'm gonna do a routine about you on Graham Norton." And then Ed said, "That's the one you should have believed, that Catherine would do that." I would do that, because I can't keep a secret. I can't really tell a lie. For that reason, I should not be on Celebrity Traitors.

• 36:19Speaker 01

  I'd like to see it, though. I would like to see it. It'd be good telly.

• 36:23Speaker 02

  Me just telling the truth?

• 36:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 36:26Speaker 00

  No one's done that tactic yet. No one's gone on, become a traitor, and then gone, "Just so you know, everyone, it's me."

• 36:34Speaker 00

  And then everyone going, like, clearly can't be Catherine.

• 36:35Speaker 01

  James, if you've been watching this show properly, you know they're not allowed to do that, because it's part of the traitor's oaths that they take at the beginning. When they receive their cloak from Claudia, they're not allowed to reveal it. And behind the scenes, it's really imposed on them that, "Please do not reveal you're a traitor." It ruins the whole format of the show.

• 36:51Speaker 02

  Yep, yep.

• 36:52Speaker 00

  They maybe should tweak that format a bit. It'd be fun, though, if everyone should say it the next day.

• 37:01Speaker 00

  "It's me." "I'll be good on it."

• 37:04Speaker 02

  You'd be great on it.

• 37:06Speaker 00

  Yeah, I'd be real good on it.

• 37:07Speaker 01

  In what role?

• 37:08Speaker 00

  I'd know it would be you. I'd say it's Ed.

• 37:12Speaker 01

  But I wouldn't be in it, James. So you'd just be accusing everyone and saying, "It's Ed Gamble, Ed Gamble's the traitor."

• 37:17Speaker 00

  We get to see you eventually.

• 37:22Speaker 00

  I goes, "Fine, we meet at last." "I always knew you were the traitor, reveal yourself."

• 37:30Speaker 00

  You're Claudia. Definitely, she acts very suspicious on that show every time, saying weird things and walking out the room. And no one goes, "Do you think she's a traitor?"

• 37:42Speaker 00

  "Hmm, the side is more peas."

• 37:50Speaker 00

  I guess we should ask your opinions on peas. We haven't really talked much about the chips and the peas on the last one.

• 37:56Speaker 02

  Love chips and peas, love them.

• 37:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:58Speaker 01

  Oven chips, though, they are oven chips that Joe's having. You happy with oven chips?

• 38:02Speaker 02

  I only really know oven chips.

• 38:05Speaker 00

  Oh, interesting.

• 38:06Speaker 02

  Where am I gonna get?

• 38:08Speaker 00

  You only know oven chips?

• 38:11Speaker 02

  Pretty much. I don't have a, like, deep fat fryer in the house, do you?

• 38:16Speaker 00

  No, but like, I bet he does, but like, I, uh...

• 38:20Speaker 02

  Some people do.

• 38:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, some people do. I don't happen to have a, a, a deep fat fryer in the house.

• 38:26Speaker 00

  Nice try, traitor.

• 38:30Speaker 01

  I wouldn't have, they'd make the house stink, I'd imagine.

• 38:33Speaker 02

  Does anyone have a deep fat fryer in their house?

• 38:37Speaker 02

  See? People are killing it. An air fryer?

• 38:39Speaker 01

  That's a, fuck all of you.

• 38:44Speaker 01

  Pathetic people with air fries.

• 38:47Speaker 00

  Why?

• 38:47Speaker 01

  Gullible.

• 38:48Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. So gullible. They're the people you want on Traitors. The gullible ones. Fall in for it the whole time.

• 38:57Speaker 01

  Deep fat fryer people, where are you? All sat together. It's a, it's a coach trip from Leeds.

• 39:06Speaker 01

  Does it make your house smell? Yeah, good mix, a real mix there.

• 39:14Speaker 02

  Oh, extractor fan.

• 39:15Speaker 01

  Put it under the extractor fan, you'll be all right. Yeah.

• 39:18Speaker 00

  For ages, um, in my, my house. The extractor fan, we'd put it on, and the fire alarm would still go off, and it was just like, it's doing nothing. And we had our kitchen done last year, and, uh, they looked at it and they went, "This is a Traitor fan, doesn't go outside."

• 39:39Speaker 00

  It's just there, and you turn it on and it makes the noise, but it just still is staying in the room.

• 39:45Speaker 01

  Mine's the same. The house we moved into, the lady had done the kitchen, so she'd, just because it looked nicer, had moved the oven away from the wall that goes outside and put it on the opposite wall that doesn't go outside. There's an extractor fan there, you put it on, it blows.

• 40:01Speaker 00

  It's worse.

• 40:02Speaker 01

  There's like smoke from a pan, it's just blowing it all around, just like billowing horrible smoke.

• 40:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:08Speaker 01

  Disgusting.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  Could I just ask, could you hear this extractor fan chat, or just me?

• 40:14Speaker 01

  What, that entire chat?

• 40:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:15Speaker 01

  Heard the first half and I tuned out the second half, I'll be honest.

• 40:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, what we do is we cherry pick phrases that we understand and then we try as desperately as we can to riff on them.

• 40:26Speaker 02

  Because I had a massive health assessment, just because you should do that. And my grip strength was bad and my eyesight was bad and my resting heart rate was bad, like things were bad. But the lady said that I have incredible, incredible hearing, like I can hear anything. And one of the things she made me listen to was a super high pitched noise that sometimes shops and neighborhoods will emit to detract teenagers, because only teenagers can hear like if it's really high.

• 40:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:58Speaker 02

  Like a dog whistle.

• 40:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 40:59Speaker 02

  I can hear that.

• 41:01Speaker 01

  Wow, you've got teenage ears.

• 41:02Speaker 02

  Yeah. And I didn't even pay for those.

• 41:08Speaker 00

  Is that why you're so good at detecting nonsense?

• 41:13Speaker 02

  If I catch a man looking at my ears too long, James, I know. I know he's trouble.

• 41:19Speaker 00

  So you've got more peas. Now, do you like mushy peas?

• 41:22Speaker 02

  I do like mushy peas.

• 41:23Speaker 00

  I thought you would like mushy peas for some reason.

• 41:25Speaker 02

  Why do you think that?

• 41:27Speaker 00

  Because typically people go, nah, they're disgusting, I hate them. But you'd be like, yeah, I like that. Whatever. The thing that everyone else is like, no, get away from that, gross. Katherine Ryan's gonna go, yeah, that's cool. I like it.

• 41:38Speaker 02

  With men, usually that, but...

• 41:43Speaker 02

  I love peas, I love whole peas, I love buttery peas, I love hot peas, I love cold peas. I used to eat a dish called peas and cheese. Because I am allergic to a lot, so it would just be a bowl of tinned peas, and I would cut up little cubes of cheese and put it in. Really delicious. It's good.

• 42:00Speaker 00

  Cheesy peas are...

• 42:02Speaker 01

  It's a far show sketch.

• 42:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's a far show sketch.

• 42:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:06Speaker 01

  Yeah, cheesy peas, yeah.

• 42:08Speaker 02

  It's a what?

• 42:09Speaker 01

  Far show sketch.

• 42:10Speaker 00

  Oh, someone's hearing, hasn't it?

• 42:14Speaker 01

  Sorry, shall I say it really high for you, Catherine?

• 42:18Speaker 01

  The far show, do you remember the far show?

• 42:20Speaker 02

  I wasn't here, but I know the reference.

• 42:22Speaker 01

  Yes, so they had a sketch about cheesy peas.

• 42:24Speaker 02

  Oh, what's the sketch?

• 42:25Speaker 01

  I can't remember.

• 42:26Speaker 00

  It's cheese, it's peas, it's cheesy peas.

• 42:29Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 42:30Speaker 00

  That was the whole sketch.

• 42:32Speaker 01

  The far show was brilliant, but when you repeat it back to someone who hasn't seen it, it does sound shit, doesn't it?

• 42:37Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's very hard to make a sketch work. Just one person monologuing it. But that was basically what it was. It's cheese, it's peas, it's cheesy peas. Peas and cheese, cheesy peas.

• 42:47Speaker 02

  It's good.

• 42:47Speaker 00

  And that was it for the whole thing, just kind of repeating it.

• 42:50Speaker 01

  Once at my, at my school, we had to do this project where we got given a paper plate and a load of crepe paper, and we had to make our favourite meal out of crepe paper on the plate, and then they would stick them to the wall. And my mum came in to, they were doing like an open day, and she was like, "Where's yours?" I went, "Oh, it's over there", and I'd, I'd done cheesy peas. She'd never fucking cooked that for me in my life, and stuck loads of green crepe paper and then just like a sheet of yellow over the top of it. And she was genuinely worried, like, "They're gonna take you away from me", because it looks like I don't give you any sustenance. And this was the same year I had to write a story, just come up with a story, and it was about a treasure hunt where every time they thought they found the treasure, it was empty gin bottles.

• 43:36Speaker 01

  So who do these people fucking think I am? Feeding you peas and then getting pissed?

• 43:42Speaker 02

  My mom was too drunk to put a message in it.

• 43:46Speaker 00

  He's written a short story about how tight his foreskin is.

• 43:51Speaker 01

  Thank you, James. I'm glad that's become a running joke.

• 43:55Speaker 00

  Can't run with a tight foreskin.

• 43:58Speaker 01

  What do you think my foreskin was attached to?

• 44:00Speaker 00

  You were like...

• 44:04Speaker 00

  It's too tight.

• 44:07Speaker 00

  It hurts when I run. Please.

• 44:11Speaker 00

  It's what I imagine.

• 44:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, they don't let you keep it.

• 44:14Speaker 02

  Oh, they won't. Wait a minute, wait a minute. How hard did you push?

• 44:21Speaker 02

  Because I think they would have, like, if you really...

• 44:24Speaker 01

  I asked. I said, "Can I keep the foreskin?" And they were like, "No, we don't do that." That's mad, isn't it? I don't think you're allowed to keep stuff after operations if they've been cut off you. I don't know if anyone else here has been allowed to keep anything.

• 44:35Speaker 02

  I've consumed three placentas in the last four years.

• 44:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, but you've got to do that quick before they come and take it away, right?

• 44:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:43Speaker 00

  And to be fair, you ran in real quick and you're now in front of the lady giving birth. And then you got it straight in your mouth.

• 44:53Speaker 00

  Tasty! And they went out of the room. "Oh no, Katherine Ryan got another one."

• 45:00Speaker 01

  Maybe I should have gone private. I think maybe my issue was doing NHS. I should have gone private and then they let you keep it. They make it into a necklace or something.

• 45:07Speaker 02

  There are conspiracy theories now that if you don't keep your placenta, that the NHS sell it for 50 grand to some, like, biohacker.

• 45:18Speaker 01

  Really?

• 45:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, that they're selling placentas to those who want to live forever, but it's absolutely not true. It's like a filtration system. I think it's not even good for you.

• 45:28Speaker 01

  That man, I reckon that man who's trying to live forever is definitely eating placentas, don't you?

• 45:33Speaker 02

  But just for kicks.

• 45:34Speaker 01

  Just for... Just for a laugh.

• 45:36Speaker 00

  He's monitoring his son's boners and stuff, hasn't he?

• 45:39Speaker 01

  Yes. Do you know about this? This guy, Brian Johnson, he wants to live forever and apparently part of that is monitoring his son's boners.

• 45:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, he monitors his and his son's erections. If I monitored my son's erections, the last thing I'd want to do is live another day.

• 46:05Speaker 02

  How does he do it?

• 46:07Speaker 01

  Well, there's a biscuit in the middle.

• 46:15Speaker 00

  Your dream drink when you came on, of course, was the Good Morning, which you're drinking now. But the drink we're gonna give you today, Joe Wilkinson's dream drink, is a mango magic from a Chinese restaurant near Tenerife on Christmas Day.

• 46:29Speaker 02

  Oh, no.

• 46:30Speaker 00

  Now, we don't have any answers for you here, Catherine, because he didn't actually fully know what a mango magic was. He drank it. He couldn't tell us if it was a juice or a smoothie. He knows it was called a mango magic. He doesn't remember what the island was called, near Tenerife. He doesn't remember what that was called, where he went on Christmas Day. And he can only tell us that they went to a Chinese restaurant because they fancied a Chinese. So, it's... I mean, you're gonna have to use your imagination here to tell us if you like this mango magic or not. Or if you like the whole setup of going to a Chinese restaurant near Tenerife on Christmas Day.

• 47:02Speaker 02

  I mean, I think it's the best version of a disappointing version of something. And for that, I really give Joe credit for this answer because I love the idea. I love the audacity of Chinese restaurants, or anywhere, being open on Christmas Day.

• 47:22Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 47:22Speaker 02

  I do like that. That's rebellious. And I like alcohol, especially on Christmas Day. I'm gonna imagine that the mango magic has that in it.

• 47:31Speaker 00

  I guess because he was so vague, you can kind of put anything you want in a mango magic, and that can be your drink.

• 47:36Speaker 02

  What if a mango magic is just gin?

• 47:39Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's the magic. The magic is there's no mango.

• 47:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:43Speaker 01

  It's pure gin.

• 47:45Speaker 02

  I'm gonna start offering guests, "You fancy a mango magic?" And they'll be like, "Yes, I do!" Gin.

• 47:53Speaker 02

  In a coffee cup.

• 47:56Speaker 00

  Drink it down.

• 47:56Speaker 02

  Catherine's on the mango magics again. Yeah, I like it. You know, Joe's a real outside-the-box guy. And I don't, you know, I don't think that you would, you would draw a parallel between myself and Joe Wilkinson.

• 48:09Speaker 01

  Never.

• 48:10Speaker 02

  But actually, at the core, we're quite similar.

• 48:15Speaker 01

  Describe the core more.

• 48:18Speaker 02

  I think that he's a rebel and I identify that way as well. Like, I'm not waiting for someone to give me permission to do something. I don't need accolades for being like, "Oh." You know how some people probably come on your podcast, especially these Hollywood actors that you've got now? And they curate their menu and they wanna sound clever. And they do this with desert island discs, too. You'll have politicians on there sometimes who are like, "I like listening to The Cure." And it's like, "You are a fucking liar."

• 48:48Speaker 02

  And I don't mind if people think that the music I like or the food I eat or the places I go are trash. I'm a mix of high and low media, like Joe Wilkinson. So, you know, you could see me in the nicest restaurant. You could also see me running away from a man with a full, full pants on a Wizz Airplane.

• 49:13Speaker 00

  Christmas Day for you, Katherine Ryan, what's that look like?

• 49:16Speaker 02

  Oh, I have been here for 19 years in the UK, so I've adopted some of your traditions. I like when people dress up on Christmas Day. I like when people have matching pajamas the day before. And I really like champagne on Christmas morning and orange juice. I think that's fun. All that is fun, but I've ruined that by having kids.

• 49:39Speaker 02

  So, Christmas is really magical when they're little, but it's a lot of work. So, usually now it will be my husband and I trying to build things that Santa's elves have dropped off Yes. until like 4:00 in the morning. And then the kids are up at like 5:30 and we're just fighting for our lives. And we really discourage family from coming anywhere near us.

• 50:01Speaker 00

  Right.

• 50:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's what we like. Just our fam- I only like the people that I've made. And then sometimes I look around and I hate them 'cause I go, "Everyone at this house has been inside of me."

• 50:22Speaker 01

  On Christmas Day, is it you?

• 50:27Speaker 01

  Is it you or Bobby who gets to carve the placenta?

• 50:32Speaker 01

  Are you having all the traditional trimmings for Christmas dinner?

• 50:36Speaker 02

  I do like that, yeah. But we've had some, we've had some arguments because Bobby, it won't surprise you to know Bobby just likes ham.

• 50:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:47Speaker 00

  Of course, no way Bobby's eating turkey, ever.

• 50:50Speaker 02

  Bobby hates, Bobby laments the whole idea of turkey. He doesn't like any of the trimmings, he doesn't like any sides. Of course, I'm not doing Yorkshire's or anything, so I can't eat bread. I like roast potatoes, I like the veg, I love cabbage, I love all of that. Chicken, I like gravy. But I do like to defer to my husband sometimes. Last Christmas, I did two different honey roast hams, and I did a mustard roulette. So we had like a horseradish mustard, and we had a whole grain mustard, and we had a hot mustard, an English mustard, and a yellow mustard, French mustard. We did like loads of mustards and a few big hams, and Bobby was really excited about that.

• 51:31Speaker 00

  Was it a random thing of what mustard you got? Was it, was it like, or was it?

• 51:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:35Speaker 00

  As the questions progressed, you eat a hot one each time?

• 51:39Speaker 02

  Whoa, James, Ed, it was not random, but you've just given me an idea for next year. Because we also used to play this drinking game in Canada, where you'd, maybe you have it here, in between rounds of soggy niscut.

• 51:54Speaker 00

  Make sure you wash your hands in between, mate.

• 51:57Speaker 02

  Where you do a bunch of shot glasses on one of those, what's it called? Like a?

• 52:02Speaker 00

  The Lazy Susan.

• 52:03Speaker 01

  The Lazy Susan.

• 52:04Speaker 02

  Yes, Lazy Susan, okay.

• 52:09Speaker 02

  And you fill it with clear liquids. So round one, five are water, and then five could be like vodka, gin, zambuca, whatever. And then round two, four are water, four are the other clear. And you spin it, and everybody takes shots. Do you have that here?

• 52:26Speaker 01

  We have similar things, I think. I never got on board with those sorts of games when I was like drinking a lot when I was younger, because to me, the punishment shouldn't be that you have a drink. Because you're drinking, right? So to me, I'd get the water and be like, "Oh, fuck." Keep going, spin again, spin again. But yeah, we have similar games to that.

• 52:45Speaker 02

  But as adults, don't you think that would be fun now, but with ham and mustard?

• 52:51Speaker 00

  I would love to do a mustard one. Yeah, well, it's like you don't know what, or like a spicy one, you don't know what it is.

• 52:57Speaker 02

  And one of them's custard, but you don't know.

• 53:00Speaker 00

  The best one.

• 53:02Speaker 00

  I would love to get the custard one. Oh, man.

• 53:05Speaker 02

  James, traditional ham and custard Christmas.

• 53:08Speaker 00

  You know what, I've been to America and they have like, um, places that's like frozen custard. And I got really excited when I first went there and I was like, "A frozen custard place," and it's just ice cream. And I was like, "Oh, why is it not literally frozen custard?"

• 53:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:22Speaker 00

  That would be fucking great. And I don't know why someone doesn't just open an actual frozen custard store now. Like, I might do it.

• 53:29Speaker 01

  But ice cream is sort of frozen custard.

• 53:33Speaker 00

  You know what you're talking about.

• 53:34Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 53:34Speaker 00

  It would be great.

• 53:36Speaker 00

  I just love it. Not even frozen, actually. Like, uh, I guess custard.

• 53:44Speaker 00

  That would be great.

• 53:45Speaker 01

  You want a custard shop?

• 53:46Speaker 00

  I would love to go, yeah, go in and it's just like, it looks like, you know, it's all like, all tubs like ice cream, but it's all just cold custard.

• 53:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:54Speaker 00

  And they just put loads of, and it's all custard, different flavors. And they just put that in a massive, like, like a milkshake, uh, like, uh, takeaway cup. And it's all just in there, layered up, loads of custard, and I'd go away and eat that. That'd be great.

• 54:09Speaker 02

  That would be nice.

• 54:10Speaker 01

  You'd do that?

• 54:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:12Speaker 01

  I feel like if that place existed, you'd be dead within a week, James, to be honest. You'd be in the doorway of the custard shop.

• 54:18Speaker 00

  What a way to go. I'd love to go like that. Bury me in the custard, man. For your dessert, you wanted a... A Tootsie Roll cheesecake.

• 54:27Speaker 02

  Oh, still do.

• 54:29Speaker 00

  Is that a real thing? I can't remember.

• 54:31Speaker 02

  No.

• 54:31Speaker 00

  So you invented that? What is a Tootsie Roll cheesecake?

• 54:34Speaker 02

  Well, I love Tootsie Rolls. And some of your guests who've come in from further away will know Tootsie Rolls, but they are, yeah, they're available here too. It's sort of like a chocolatey caramel molasses, it's kind of like a bit more dense fudge, I don't know. It's delicious. And I really love cheesecake. And I think you and I were just talking about my love for both those things, but that I can't have the biscuit bottom of a cheesecake. So make that Tootsie Roll. Here we go.

• 55:07Speaker 00

  It does sound good. However, you're not about to get a Tootsie Roll cheesecake. You're gonna get the dream dessert of Joe Wilkinson, which is a plain Vianetta.

• 55:20Speaker 01

  It's a solid choice, I think. I think that was the one I was happiest with, with Joe.

• 55:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:25Speaker 01

  Are you a Vianetta fan?

• 55:27Speaker 02

  I think they look luxurious.

• 55:30Speaker 01

  Yes, yeah, they very much look luxurious.

• 55:32Speaker 02

  I've never actually eaten one. Is it ice cream, just in the shape of a rippled sort of cake?

• 55:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, and all the chocolate stuff is like, solid chocolate.

• 55:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:42Speaker 00

  So that's the nice stuff, is that it cracks and you've got that like, nice texture going on. I'd say the mint one is the best, personally. And I think it's crazy to choose the plain one over the mint one, but there you go, it's Joe's dream, not mine. But yeah, it's like, you have a kind of slice of it, as opposed to a scoop.

• 56:00Speaker 02

  And how many Vianettes would you say you've eaten in your life, James?

• 56:04Speaker 01

  Good question.

• 56:05Speaker 00

  Do you know what? I bet it's not as much as I'd think, because we didn't really do Vianettes much in our household, despite being massive ice cream heads.

• 56:14Speaker 01

  My memory of Vianettes is, Vianettes you have to...

• 56:20Speaker 01

  I just thought I'd say something while you calculate how many Vianettes you've had in your life, Joe.

• 56:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, and no answer I'm gonna come up with now is, I mean, it's gonna be a number, isn't it? I don't know how funny it's gonna be.

• 56:31Speaker 00

  You should go off on this tangent.

• 56:34Speaker 01

  My memory of Vianetta, and I've not had a Vianetta in years, sadly, but I feel like with Vianettes, I just remember you had to take them out of the freezer about a year before you wanted to eat them. So you'd like, everyone would arrive for lunch, like, Sunday lunch, family lunch, you'd be like, "We got a Vianetta." Before we put the chicken in the oven, let's get the Vianetta out of the freezer, because they are rock fucking solid, those things. But when you give them the time out there on the counter, and then you cut a slice, beautiful. The crack as you cut through a Vianetta, pure heaven.

• 57:04Speaker 00

  I've probably had less than 10 in my life.

• 57:06Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 57:07Speaker 00

  I think I've probably, maybe even less, I would guess five.

• 57:12Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 57:12Speaker 00

  My entire life, in terms of times I've had vienetas. Each time there would be like one or two slices, so if you add them all up, I've probably had one vieneta in my entire lifetime.

• 57:23Speaker 02

  I imagine Joe unwrapping his, you know, like a burrito and just eating it on the sofa, bite by bite.

• 57:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:32Speaker 01

  Chomping down on it, it's all in his beard and stuff, it's dripping down but he doesn't care.

• 57:36Speaker 02

  Keira Knightley comes along.

• 57:39Speaker 00

  I really want a mint vieneta now.

• 57:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:41Speaker 00

  I might see if we can get one after this.

• 57:44Speaker 01

  We've got to stop doing this because this happened last night where we asked for something on stage and then Gilli, the tour manager, had to sort it out, actually had to go out and buy something and bring it to the stage.

• 57:52Speaker 02

  She's not buying anything with a knife that sharp.

• 57:57Speaker 00

  When Joe was on, the secret ingredient that he would have got kicked out for was, and this should ring some bells for you, forty-two calippos.

• 58:04Speaker 02

  Oh, yes.

• 58:06Speaker 00

  What did you do for the mayor again?

• 58:08Speaker 02

  So Joe and I were together on our series of Taskmaster and I, yeah, and that was when our love affair began, I decided to rap for the Lord Mayor.

• 58:19Speaker 00

  Oh, you rap?

• 58:20Speaker 02

  I used to do a lot of rapping and then after White Moms I retired. Because I don't know, like, Black Lives Matter really came into the forefront and I was like, I am doing a lot of white nonsense. And so I stopped, but not, and White Moms went very, it got like forty million views. Are you familiar with White Moms?

• 58:45Speaker 00

  No, I'm laughing because I think when the Black Lives Matter movement started, a lot of white people, we all reflected on stuff in our behaviour, but I don't know if many people went, I've got to stop rapping.

• 59:00Speaker 01

  That was your thing.

• 59:02Speaker 02

  It was one of the microaggressions.

• 59:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 59:06Speaker 02

  That I needed to be aware of.

• 59:07Speaker 01

  And thank you for stopping. I think it did a lot for the cause. Everyone was very grateful.

• 59:12Speaker 02

  But I still wrote a couple raps. Like, I'd like to rap again. And I think that I...

• 59:20Speaker 01

  Just for the listener, I turned to the audience as if to say, "Do you want to hear Catherine rap?" And 10 seconds of silence later, someone wept.

• 59:30Speaker 02

  Well, because I think you can do a lot of good with rapping, so, um, people... I never set out to offend men in my comedy. If I do, it's just a bonus for me. And I think that as a feminist, people assume that I would be against a lot of the music that objectifies women, but I'm not.

• 59:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 59:55Speaker 02

  I love it. I just think that we should also have music that objectifies men, and specifically dads. So I've really focused a lot of my work in the last six years on objectifying dads when I see them. And I wrote a rap that was, um, I'll do it for you now, but if you cut it out because of Black Lives Matter.

• 1:00:17Speaker 01

  But not the black lives in this room, apparently. They can all sit in here, can't they?

• 1:00:22Speaker 02

  Oh, and my rap name is "K-Rye Jelly."

• 1:00:26Speaker 01

  Okay. That's good to know. Thank you for the contest.

• 1:00:29Speaker 02

  It goes, I'll see if I can remember it. I shouldn't just have this to memory. Okay, it goes, "K-Rye Jelly, because my ass is fat. When I shake it on the score, and people jelly that, it's a fact. Excuse me if I'm hot and bothered, I'm distracted by the penises of some of the fathers, like, "Which dad will I fuck today? I objectify men to prove I'm really not gay. I love their dicks, and I love their balls. They're naked in my videos, and that's what you call a player." What is it? "They're naked in my videos, and that's what you call a player. A big deal, I'm an al-female. I fuck so many dads, I'm selling pussy wholesale. Orthodontist, that's my hoe. Engineer, that's my hoe. School headmaster, that's my hoe. Builder, pilot, both my hoes. Every man is just built for sex. When I sit on their face, I shout, "Yo, who's next?" They call me, text me. I'm like, "Chill, I don't love you, be for real."

• 1:01:14Speaker 02

  I got my husband, you're a groupie, begging for a dollar when you're not worth a rupee. A disrespect and devalue, men, they still buy tickets to my shows, and then I fuck them again, when? Well, well, wait."

• 1:01:25Speaker 01

  That's actually good.

• 1:01:27Speaker 02

  I disrespect and devalue men. They stole my tickets to my shows and then I fuck them again. When will gender roles be dismantled in hip-hop? And when will your dad come by and show me his big cock?

• 1:01:42Speaker 01

  It's good.

• 1:01:46Speaker 01

  It's good rapping, Catherine.

• 1:01:47Speaker 02

  Well, you see it's for a cause.

• 1:01:52Speaker 01

  Very important.

• 1:01:53Speaker 02

  I did Celebrity Men, I'd be like, Bradley Cooper, that's my hope. Jackie Chan, that's my hope. Stephen Hawking was my hope.

• 1:02:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, and I miss it. I miss it a lot.

• 1:02:06Speaker 01

  Yeah. I think you should go back to rapping.

• 1:02:10Speaker 02

  Well, when there's equality

• 1:02:14Speaker 02

  and the whites sort themselves out, I will.

• 1:02:18Speaker 00

  That might be the push that some white people finally need to get their act together.

• 1:02:23Speaker 00

  So they'll never hear Katherine Ryan rap again until they sort it out. What do you think of, at the end of the menu now? What do you think overall of Joe's meal?

• 1:02:32Speaker 02

  Joe is so unhinged. I love him, I think he's pure of heart. I think that his menu is not too bad, actually. I like chicken keevs. But I do feel this way, boys. I think that you're on this earth by some type of magic miracle. And if you can, and if you have the means to, like, food is so exciting, it's such an indulgence. You should make every meal as delicious as it can be. So why you would set out to have the disappointing version of everything? Like, if you love peas, eat peas. If you love viñeta, have the best, most, like, perfectly thawed viñeta that you can have.

• 1:03:17Speaker 02

  But don't have, like, the shit version of anything, because you're worth more.

• 1:03:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:03:25Speaker 00

  Powerful words.

• 1:03:27Speaker 01

  Powerful words from K-Roy Jelly.

• 1:03:29Speaker 00

  But I wonder, I wonder how they would sound in a rhyme.

• 1:03:34Speaker 02

  I had one about the NHS.

• 1:03:40Speaker 00

  But you'll have to wait till the world is equal to hear.

• 1:03:45Speaker 02

  I don't remember that one, but it was during the Covid stuff. And I'll just give you this little insight. It was to thank the workers and it was called Make That Ass Clap for the NHS.

• 1:04:02Speaker 02

  And at one point I was getting double jabbed. We'll leave it there.

• 1:04:10Speaker 01

  We'll leave it there. And what a lovely way to end. This episode of The Tasting Menus Live at the Royal Albert Hall. Please give it up for Katherine Ryan.

• 1:04:22Speaker 00

  Thank you so much for coming, everyone. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. See you later.

• 1:04:38Speaker 01

  Well, there we are, Jimmy James.

• 1:04:40Speaker 00

  That's Katherine Ryan at the Royal Albert Hall, where she belongs.

• 1:04:43Speaker 01

  Yes, very much so. A great episode.

• 1:04:47Speaker 00

  Catherine's got podcasts, you know.

• 1:04:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, she's got two.

• 1:04:50Speaker 00

  Telling everybody everything and?

• 1:04:52Speaker 01

  What's my age again?

• 1:04:53Speaker 00

  What's my age again? What's my age again?

• 1:04:56Speaker 01

  Which is a really good idea for a podcast, but one I never want to be a guest.

• 1:04:59Speaker 00

  Nobody likes you when you're twenty-three.

• 1:05:03Speaker 01

  She takes your blood for that one.

• 1:05:04Speaker 00

  Huh?

• 1:05:05Speaker 01

  She takes your blood.

• 1:05:06Speaker 00

  What? Is that true?

• 1:05:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:09Speaker 00

  Why?

• 1:05:09Speaker 01

  And tells you your biological age.

• 1:05:12Speaker 00

  I'd you come?

• 1:05:16Speaker 01

  No, that's a different podcast. That's my new podcast.

• 1:05:19Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 1:05:22Speaker 00

  That's good. Called All the Small Things.

• 1:05:26Speaker 01

  It's called Ed Gamble Wanks You Off. And I big everyone up for ages. I go through their CV and I'm like, that was brilliant. And then the big finish at the end is I genuinely wank them off.

• 1:05:35Speaker 00

  How many nights you doing at the Royal Albert Hall?

• 1:05:38Speaker 00

  Quite a few, I'd imagine.

• 1:05:39Speaker 01

  We're doing eight.

• 1:05:41Speaker 00

  Eight nights.

• 1:05:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:42Speaker 00

  Add some matinees.

• 1:05:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, get some young bucks on, see if we can hit the ceiling.

• 1:05:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:49Speaker 00

  I'll tell you what, bragging rights there.

• 1:05:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:51Speaker 00

  If you manage to hit the scene and do all that, but all we jizz. That's good stuff. Um, thank you to Catherine, thank you to you all, thank you to Benito for editing this shit.

• 1:06:01Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 1:06:01Speaker 00

  And, um, you can all look forward to another bonus episode soon.

• 1:06:05Speaker 01

  Boo boo boo boo boo boo.

• 1:06:06Speaker 00

  Bye.