Harry Enfield

It’s the final episode of series 15, and what better way to round off the series than with British comedy royalty, Harry Enfield. That's right, it's another National Treasure. Harry is on tour with ‘Harry Enfield and No Chums’. For dates and tickets go to www.fane.co.uk/harry-enfield https://www.fane.co.uk/harry-enfield Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast on Thu 4 June. Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Video production by Ben Williams and Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the kitkat of conversation, sliding the nail of humour along the foil of friendship and snapping off a little baton of chocolate wafer podcast.

• 0:29Speaker 01

  That is a gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant and every single week, we invite a guest, start their favourite ever start, a main course, dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is-

• 0:39Speaker 00

  Harry Enfield. Harry Enfield, National Treasure-

• 0:43Speaker 01

  We're in National Treasure territory.

• 0:45Speaker 00

  National Treasure territory.

• 0:46Speaker 01

  Absolutely. We grew up watching Harry Enfield.

• 0:50Speaker 00

  Big time.

• 0:50Speaker 01

  You know, if we were allowed. Fantastic. So many comedy characters that are iconic.

• 0:56Speaker 00

  I had a video of Harry Enfield and Chums.

• 0:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:00Speaker 00

  That was huge for me.

• 1:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, massive.

• 1:03Speaker 00

  Absolutely massive. So excited to have Harry in the studio today. We've had Cathy Burke, of course, who was also in the show and worked with Harry a lot. We just, we need White House.

• 1:12Speaker 01

  We need White House and then, and then we're into the far show territory. Then you've got to get all that lot in.

• 1:17Speaker 00

  Yeah. We've had Arabella.

• 1:19Speaker 01

  We've had Arabella, of course. And when I saw Arabella, like maybe a year after, bumped into her and she said, she said, "You don't remember me."

• 1:30Speaker 00

  I do.

• 1:31Speaker 01

  I do.

• 1:31Speaker 00

  I knew who you were before we had you. It's like a pretty big deal, Arabella.

• 1:36Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:36Speaker 00

  No, no, no. You don't know who I am. But we're very excited to have Harry and Harry is on tour doing his show, Harry Enfield and No Chums.

• 1:44Speaker 01

  No Chums.

• 1:45Speaker 00

  No Chums.

• 1:46Speaker 01

  One day that could be this podcast.

• 1:48Speaker 00

  Yeah. Benito.

• 1:50Speaker 01

  Just Benito and No Chums.

• 1:51Speaker 00

  No, it's called Just Benito.

• 1:52Speaker 01

  It's called Just Benito, yeah.

• 1:54Speaker 00

  And it's just, he still doesn't speak.

• 1:56Speaker 01

  Blank chest.

• 1:57Speaker 00

  Just completely blank chest.

• 1:59Speaker 01

  Does his clap before.

• 2:00Speaker 00

  Yeah. And that's all you hear.

• 2:01Speaker 01

  This is recorded.

• 2:02Speaker 00

  Like the podcast he used to do with Harry Hill.

• 2:04Speaker 01

  Oh yeah, he did actually.

• 2:05Speaker 00

  It was just a noise.

• 2:06Speaker 01

  He did make that. You can still find those online if you want to find the Harry Hill makes a noise podcast.

• 2:12Speaker 00

  But this is not the Harry we're here to talk about. We're here to talk about Harry Enfield. Go to fein.co.uk for tickets. I think there's a bit of a retrospective to it. He'll be doing some characters, but we can talk to Harry more about that.

• 2:24Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 2:24Speaker 00

  When he comes into the dream restaurant.

• 2:25Speaker 01

  But of course we will kick him out if he says the secret ingredient, which we deem to be unacceptable. And this week, the secret ingredient is?

• 2:32Speaker 00

  Fab lollies.

• 2:35Speaker 01

  Now, if you don't remember the smashy and nicey Fab adverts, then bad luck because they were brilliant.

• 2:41Speaker 00

  They were brilliant. Harry, Harry and Paul doing their characters smashy and nice.

• 2:45Speaker 01

  The radio DJs.

• 2:46Speaker 00

  Radio DJs.

• 2:47Speaker 01

  Kind of based on like Tony Blackburn, people like that.

• 2:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:50Speaker 01

  Really funny adverts and Fab lollies are delicious.

• 2:55Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:55Speaker 01

  So, you know, not being kicked out because we don't like Fab lollies.

• 2:58Speaker 00

  Because he might have picked Fab lollies because he got sent so many Fab lollies that he got really into them.

• 3:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, maybe it was a great time and he's now like, it's my favourite dessert.

• 3:06Speaker 00

  It'd be a shame to kick out a comedy hero, James.

• 3:09Speaker 01

  Especially for a lolly that's very nice.

• 3:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:11Speaker 01

  That we've chosen because of adverts that we thought were funny.

• 3:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:15Speaker 01

  But there you go. That's the, we've made our bed.

• 3:17Speaker 00

  This is the final episode of series 15, everyone.

• 3:20Speaker 01

  Oh, rest in peace, series 15.

• 3:23Speaker 00

  I'm on tour next year, 2027. Fresh Hell is the name of the show. Edgamble.co.uk for tickets. Tickets are on sale now. It's a funny show, man.

• 3:32Speaker 01

  So funny. Snap them up.

• 3:34Speaker 00

  Snap them up like a crocodile.

• 3:39Speaker 01

  Sorry, Benita, that wasn't your clap. That was me doing a crocodile. I know you thought that was your clap.

• 3:43Speaker 00

  We would never take that away from you, Benita. This is the off menu menu of Harry Enfield.

• 3:56Speaker 00

  Welcome, Harry, to the dream restaurant.

• 3:58Speaker 01

  Thank you very much, Ed. Welcome, Harry Enfield, to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time.

• 4:04Speaker 02

  Thank you very much, James. I've been expecting to come here for some time. It's been a long time asking.

• 4:10Speaker 01

  Well, we're very excited to have you.

• 4:11Speaker 00

  Delighted to have you here, Harry.

• 4:12Speaker 02

  Thank you for having me.

• 4:14Speaker 01

  We've, we've said beforehand that my partner this morning was like, Harry Enfield's so cool.

• 4:19Speaker 02

  She's never met me.

• 4:22Speaker 01

  You were the coolest. When we were at school, not to make you feel old, but like you were the cool comedian.

• 4:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, you are very young compared to me. I looked it up and. My career is as long as your lives.

• 4:35Speaker 00

  Really?

• 4:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, I started Spitting Image in January, I think on about January the 12th, 1985. I started in voice.

• 4:46Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 4:46Speaker 02

  So you were three days old.

• 4:47Speaker 00

  You were three days old.

• 4:49Speaker 01

  You know, it's my birthday.

• 4:50Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're right, yeah. I know everything about you. Oh dear, oh dear.

• 4:56Speaker 01

  I had to get my dad to, my parents wouldn't let me watch your show.

• 5:02Speaker 02

  No, too rude.

• 5:03Speaker 01

  Too rude, but all the kids in my school were quoting it non-stop. And I was saying to them, you know, I never really usually did this, but I had to say to them, listen, this is making my life difficult at school.

• 5:13Speaker 00

  I have to be, I have to be the rest of this.

• 5:15Speaker 01

  It's like everyone's speaking a different language and I can't keep up with it. You need to help me out, like meet me halfway here. So they.

• 5:22Speaker 00

  As a kid, so using the phrase meet me halfway here.

• 5:25Speaker 02

  Meet me halfway.

• 5:27Speaker 01

  So my dad would, my dad would watch it the night before and record it on the VHS. And then the next day would show me the sketches he had deemed I was allowed to watch. And that would give me enough of the lingo in school to get by in the day.

• 5:40Speaker 02

  Oh, well, that's good. Although I think it would have been more character forming for you to, to not be allowed to watch it at all.

• 5:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, have to just.

• 5:48Speaker 02

  Just be completely screwed up at school.

• 5:50Speaker 00

  But also surely the ones at school that people were talking about the most would have been the ruder ones, right?

• 5:54Speaker 01

  Yeah, because that was most exciting. So I'm there going like, just quoting Mr. Dead. But they're like, but they're like, yeah, but.

• 6:00Speaker 02

  I'd forgotten about Mr. Dead. That was Dave Cummings.

• 6:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 6:03Speaker 02

  You know, Delamitri?

• 6:05Speaker 01

  No.

• 6:05Speaker 02

  The band?

• 6:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 6:06Speaker 01

  Oh, go, yes, okay, yeah.

• 6:07Speaker 02

  He was the bass player in that and Lloyd Cole's, sorry guitarist and Lloyd Cole. And he said, how about doing Mr. Dead?

• 6:15Speaker 02

  He never really took off, but we loved it.

• 6:17Speaker 00

  Well, I would say that it might have been like a clean sketch, but I would say it was the most disturbing sketch on that series.

• 6:23Speaker 02

  Yes. Yeah, in a box, you look like a horse. He's dead, of course. Something, it was Mr. Ed.

• 6:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 6:33Speaker 02

  In the 50s. What was just in a call?

• 6:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, cause I loved, I loved Mr. Dead as well, but I don't think I had any sense of what it was based on. So for me, it was just the most surreal, brilliant thing in the world. It was just a dead, a dead guy in a, in a stable.

• 6:47Speaker 01

  Yeah, a guy punches him in one of the sketches. He doesn't like the fact that Mr. Dead's staring at him, so he wants to punch him. And Mr. Dead goes, okay, but you'll regret it. And then the guy punches him and obviously just goes like, I think, pretty much into his chest. And he goes, I told you I'd punch you. And he goes, I told you, you'd regret it.

• 7:06Speaker 00

  Your dad like, yep, that was fun.

• 7:07Speaker 01

  Yeah, you can watch that one.

• 7:09Speaker 02

  I don't remember that at all.

• 7:11Speaker 01

  It was great.

• 7:11Speaker 02

  I think he made that up afterwards. I wish we had done it. I remember there was one, he's in the back of the car in his coffin.

• 7:20Speaker 02

  You know, it's a lovely old convertible.

• 7:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 7:23Speaker 02

  It's a Chevy or something and wearing the front and the policeman, morning, Bob. Morning, Mr. Dead.

• 7:30Speaker 01

  It's good stuff.

• 7:31Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 7:32Speaker 01

  There was a, it was a whole school assembly where one of the classes, it would take, take it in turns to do the school assembly each week. And one, one class, they just did the whole assembly was sketches from Harry Enfield. But like, you know, they're twisted.

• 7:45Speaker 02

  We have to pay for that through our taxes for education.

• 7:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 7:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 7:49Speaker 02

  Oh my God, that's terrible.

• 7:50Speaker 01

  They were doing that.

• 7:51Speaker 02

  My kids weren't allowed to watch it, just to let you know.

• 7:53Speaker 01

  Right.

• 7:54Speaker 02

  I mean, obviously it stopped going out by, they were born in ninety seven onwards. And I didn't even tell them what I did, you know, I'd just go to work. Dad come back and stopped doing interviews, anything like that. I didn't want them cursed with, with that kind of thing. And when they're about, I guess she was about six or something, he'd learn to read and stuff. And he's going, Dad, what's this? And it's a video and it had my name on the top and it had Kevin on the front. I was like, oh, that's what I do. Can we watch it? Yeah, okay. I couldn't really think. So they put it on in the living room, right? And him and his little sisters, and they're staring at their dad, being all these characters, they're really shocked.

• 8:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, of course.

• 8:39Speaker 02

  I mean, quite upset. And they're like this going. So then the doorbell goes, right? So I answer the door, living room's there, door's there. Police, right? And they say, have you got a grey bike? I said, yeah. They said, I think it's just been nicked. One of the neighbours just said it'd been nicked. I said, oh god, oh yeah, it has been nicked. You better come in. So they came in, they start talking about the bike. And you could see, they could hear, it was my programme. And then you could see them sort of look like that. And they could see these three really unhappy children, like staring at me, staring at the telly in complete shock. And you know, all I wanted to say was, look, they've never seen it before.

• 9:23Speaker 02

  But they quite clearly thought that's what I did every night.

• 9:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:27Speaker 02

  Sit down, watch me, watch dad do his work. It's really embarrassing.

• 9:32Speaker 01

  Get the bike back?

• 9:34Speaker 02

  No.

• 9:34Speaker 01

  No.

• 9:35Speaker 02

  No.

• 9:35Speaker 01

  So there's the worst.

• 9:37Speaker 02

  Bike back from the police. Hello, it's the police, we've found your bike. What?

• 9:43Speaker 01

  That'd be the least believable sketch.

• 9:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 9:47Speaker 01

  Of course, these days you have, you have No Chums, Harry.

• 9:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, I've got No Chums, good link. I'm on tour with No Chums.

• 9:55Speaker 00

  Harry Enfield and No Chums on tour, yes. How's that, how's that been so far?

• 9:59Speaker 02

  Really fun, yeah, especially having No Chums. The last tour I did was with Paul Whitehouse, ten years ago.

• 10:07Speaker 01

  I think we did a gig together.

• 10:08Speaker 02

  Catherine Shepard, oh my god, Catherine Shepard, lovely Catherine. And we all went on tour, the three of us, and it was really good fun. But this time they wouldn't come. None of my friends would come with me.

• 10:21Speaker 01

  Maybe they weren't invited.

• 10:23Speaker 00

  How's, how's that been then, having, having No Chums? Has it been fun or has it been a challenge to sort of?

• 10:28Speaker 02

  Great fun, it's like, I call it my mini Oasis tour really, because it's kind of, there's a lot of love in the room. And it's all ancient people, you know, your dad.

• 10:38Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 10:38Speaker 02

  Not that your dad liked my stuff.

• 10:41Speaker 01

  Oh, he would watch it and show me the, he'll probably go to your tour and then tell me the bits I'm allowed to know about.

• 10:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, actually, there wouldn't be much you're allowed to see. I say swear words a bit.

• 10:51Speaker 01

  Oh, no.

• 10:52Speaker 00

  So is it, it's a mix of doing, doing the characters and then also like a sort of retrospective?

• 10:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's sort of like looking back and how I met people, but mainly sketches.

• 11:03Speaker 00

  Yeah. Which, which characters?

• 11:04Speaker 02

  That's what people want.

• 11:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, which, which characters have you put in that you think people, people want to see these?

• 11:09Speaker 02

  Well, loads of money.

• 11:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:11Speaker 02

  Who I think is still relevant.

• 11:12Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:13Speaker 02

  Richer, richer than ever, the more rapport than ever, fucking brilliant. You know, he loves that.

• 11:20Speaker 02

  And, uh, bugger all money, the little bit of the slobs, you know, I have to do Cathy as well. I do Paul a bit, but I don't have to pay them.

• 11:30Speaker 02

  And, uh, you know, all the, and I write up to Harry and Paul and surgeons and, and things like that that we did.

• 11:36Speaker 00

  And you're doing, you're doing Kevin?

• 11:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, do a tiny bit of Kevin. It's quite difficult. I'm sixty five now.

• 11:43Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 11:44Speaker 01

  So, yeah, Kevin's a.

• 11:46Speaker 02

  Sorry, I'd just like to say, that's very clever of me to say sixty five, because I'm actually sixty four. But when this goes out, I'll be sixty.

• 11:54Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 11:55Speaker 01

  That's very clever.

• 11:56Speaker 02

  Isn't that cool? I just literally thought of it.

• 11:59Speaker 00

  This is what happens when you, when you're in sort of the media and broadcasting for this long, you think about all these things. Yeah.

• 12:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm sixty five now.

• 12:07Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, and we didn't even notice.

• 12:08Speaker 02

  Your partner will think that's really cool.

• 12:10Speaker 01

  She will think that's cool, because otherwise she would have heard you say sixty four and gone, hold on. Googled it, liar.

• 12:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, he's not cool. He's not cool to me anymore.

• 12:18Speaker 02

  Why do they always do that? Why do these actors always lie about their age?

• 12:22Speaker 00

  I know, it's crazy.

• 12:22Speaker 02

  He's not cool anymore.

• 12:23Speaker 01

  He's done it by one.

• 12:24Speaker 02

  Never interview him again, ever.

• 12:26Speaker 00

  I lo-, I loved Kevin so much, but then my, and my mum also loved Kevin. But she really weaponized Kevin against me when I became a teenager.

• 12:34Speaker 02

  That did happen.

• 12:35Speaker 00

  It was just, anything, I like, I couldn't get away with anything because it would like, oh, hello, Kevin the teenager. No, come on, mum. Don't use something I love against me.

• 12:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, I used to feel so sorry for teenagers because their parents come up. It's like, we call him Kevin. And he'd be there like, oh, God, I hate him so much.

• 12:55Speaker 01

  Benito, when he was twelve, uh, he, he was, on the night that he was gonna like, you know, before his thirteenth birthday, he had planned to do the whole Kevin thing. He planned to do it, that he was gonna turn into a teenager and all that. And then he, he forgot.

• 13:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:11Speaker 00

  So that's it. So he's not, he's not, he's not ever been a teenager.

• 13:15Speaker 01

  That's why he still comes across like a little boy.

• 13:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, oh, bless you.

• 13:20Speaker 01

  Sweet little boy.

• 13:21Speaker 02

  I love him. I love him.

• 13:24Speaker 00

  We always start with still sparkling water, Harry. Do you have a preference?

• 13:28Speaker 02

  Yes, um, well, I'd like, I'd like, I'd like fizzy water.

• 13:33Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 13:34Speaker 02

  Yeah?

• 13:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:35Speaker 02

  Fizzy water.

• 13:36Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:36Speaker 02

  So who was it? It's like, I grew up, you see, I was born in nineteen sixty one. We had fizzy water as a special treat, right? And then sometime in about the eighties, said, let's call fizzy water sparkling. And suddenly it became sparkling water.

• 13:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:51Speaker 02

  Yeah. Everywhere sparkling.

• 13:53Speaker 00

  So you're making a distinction between fizzy and sparkling?

• 13:57Speaker 02

  Yeah. I'm saying fizzy water's what we used to have. Sparkling is everywhere now. Oh, God, this is so cool. And I, when they asked me in a restaurant.

• 14:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:07Speaker 02

  If it's a male waiter, I always say sparkling like your eyes.

• 14:11Speaker 00

  Oh, that's nice. Do they like that?

• 14:13Speaker 02

  Yeah. The other day, when someone took it seriously, actually, he was.

• 14:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:17Speaker 02

  But I got very, very good, good service from him.

• 14:21Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 14:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:22Speaker 00

  That's nice.

• 14:22Speaker 01

  Instantly charming your way into like a lovely meal because you've given them a compliment up.

• 14:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, because my chips didn't arrive on time. And I go, excuse me, my chips haven't arrived. And he was like so attentive.

• 14:32Speaker 00

  Because you'd said he had sparkling eyes.

• 14:34Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 14:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. I'm gonna try that.

• 14:36Speaker 02

  They were sparkling. They were a bit lopsided, you know?

• 14:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:40Speaker 02

  One was going one way and one the other way, but they sparkled.

• 14:43Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, that's what the bubbles in the water do, I suppose. They go all over the place. So, yeah.

• 14:47Speaker 02

  They go all over the shop, don't they? They go white all over the shop. But I do like, uh, I, you know, it's, you go out of sense of occasion, isn't it?

• 14:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:56Speaker 02

  A little bit of fizzy water.

• 14:58Speaker 00

  So you used to have it as a treat when it was, when it was fizzy water?

• 15:01Speaker 02

  Yeah. And then some people, my rich friends, as I call them, no, people who were like better off than us had, had a water maker. And that was like the pinnacle.

• 15:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:13Speaker 01

  Yeah. You go in and get some of that.

• 15:15Speaker 02

  You could make your own sparkling water and it didn't cost you six pence in the old money.

• 15:20Speaker 00

  And you'd like, you'd like going over to their houses and using the SodaStream?

• 15:23Speaker 02

  Yeah. And you put a little bit of slime in it and then it becomes something else.

• 15:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:28Speaker 02

  Isn't it?

• 15:28Speaker 01

  You ever glove the slime on its own, straight?

• 15:31Speaker 02

  I have tried it.

• 15:32Speaker 01

  I bet.

• 15:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, so sweet.

• 15:33Speaker 01

  I knew you would have.

• 15:34Speaker 02

  Delicious. That's why my teeth are so.

• 15:39Speaker 02

  All that slime I drunk when I was young.

• 15:40Speaker 00

  It is amazing when you're a kid, how much better other people's houses are.

• 15:44Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 15:44Speaker 00

  You never, you never think about how good your own house is.

• 15:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, did you have that then?

• 15:48Speaker 00

  Oh God, all the time. Like my friends, I'd go over and like the snack drawer at my friend Henry De Vries's house. Wowee.

• 15:54Speaker 02

  Oh, Henry De Vries's?

• 15:56Speaker 00

  De Vries.

• 15:57Speaker 02

  Henry De Vries.

• 15:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:58Speaker 02

  Those marvelous, you would like to have a look. I'm Henry De Vries. Come and have a look at my snack drawer.

• 16:05Speaker 00

  The snack, honestly, you would not believe the snack drawer.

• 16:07Speaker 02

  Really?

• 16:08Speaker 00

  It was like, I don't know if you've seen the film The Whale, it was as good as that guy's snack drawer.

• 16:11Speaker 02

  Oh my God. Well, I could tell you, my best friend at school, Joe.

• 16:16Speaker 00

  Full name?

• 16:16Speaker 02

  He was American.

• 16:17Speaker 00

  Wow, that's exotic.

• 16:19Speaker 02

  And he was the first American anyone had ever met in this country. We're talking, he, you know, nineteen sixty eight.

• 16:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:26Speaker 02

  So he arrived with an axe and like that. Well, he was more like that, obviously. He was like seven, eight. And, uh, but because they were American, they did all these amazing things. I mean, it was literally like from going the other side of the Iron Curtain to, to like the West or something. You'd go into the house, A, it was warm. Cause they used their central heating.

• 16:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 16:48Speaker 02

  Whereas our parents all turned it off.

• 16:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 16:51Speaker 02

  It's already above freezing, turn it off. It's, it's there to admire a radiator.

• 16:56Speaker 00

  Sure.

• 16:56Speaker 02

  They had a warm house and they had a whole room, a larger room as big as this studio.

• 17:02Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 17:02Speaker 02

  And on, there were these pots of sweets.

• 17:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:05Speaker 02

  Like bounties and marathons, what, uh, Snickers and Mars bars and things. Of course, well, Fat Harry going.

• 17:14Speaker 02

  Have you seen that? Harry, Harry, where are you? Just gobbling up all the sweets. You can have as many as you like.

• 17:21Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:22Speaker 02

  Whereas in my house, we're allowed two a day.

• 17:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, two a day is pretty good though, I think.

• 17:26Speaker 02

  Little ones.

• 17:27Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 17:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, from the sweet drawer.

• 17:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, that's my house. Two biscuits when you get home.

• 17:30Speaker 02

  Two biscuits.

• 17:31Speaker 00

  Two biscuits. But then, you know, if my parents were back a bit later than us.

• 17:35Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 17:36Speaker 00

  We went for it.

• 17:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:38Speaker 00

  Absolutely. We, you, you, and we've convinced ourselves as long as we leave like one biscuit in the bell, they won't notice.

• 17:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, no.

• 17:44Speaker 00

  Just absolutely.

• 17:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, that was like mum's purse.

• 17:47Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 17:48Speaker 02

  I thought, as long as I leave ten pence.

• 17:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're rubbing your mum?

• 17:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:54Speaker 02

  You need the money, don't you?

• 17:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:56Speaker 02

  I was desperate.

• 17:58Speaker 01

  I love the sound of Joe.

• 18:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, he's great, Joe. He's a friend. In fact, I'm seeing him this weekend.

• 18:03Speaker 01

  Really?

• 18:04Speaker 02

  Sorry, I saw him, uh, four months ago.

• 18:08Speaker 01

  Pop noms or bread? Pop noms or bread, Harry Enfield? Pop noms or bread?

• 18:12Speaker 02

  Bread, please.

• 18:13Speaker 01

  Bread.

• 18:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, focaccia.

• 18:15Speaker 01

  Oh, lovely.

• 18:16Speaker 00

  Beautiful.

• 18:17Speaker 02

  I like a bit of focaccia. Well, if that's there, because I try and go, obviously, I'm not as thin as I once was. Um, I'm a facunt.

• 18:25Speaker 01

  What?

• 18:26Speaker 02

  A facunt.

• 18:27Speaker 01

  My dad wouldn't let me hear that word.

• 18:29Speaker 02

  It's an old English word.

• 18:30Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:32Speaker 02

  So you can say it, because it's probably in Chelsa or something.

• 18:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, Ch- Chelsa.

• 18:36Speaker 02

  I'm a facunt. I try and not have bread.

• 18:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:40Speaker 02

  Right, but if it's focaccia, no, I've got to have it.

• 18:42Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:42Speaker 02

  I'm going to have it. Yeah, with oil and salt and pepper and all that. Mmm. And then a glass of fizzy water.

• 18:48Speaker 01

  Facuncia.

• 18:49Speaker 00

  I'm trying to, facuncia.

• 18:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:52Speaker 00

  Yes, that's good for country for a facunt.

• 18:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 18:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, as Chelsa said.

• 18:58Speaker 01

  Yeah. Um, when, so.

• 19:01Speaker 02

  Sorry.

• 19:01Speaker 01

  From what you've said about, like, growing up, I'm guessing you weren't always a focaccia guy. So when did you discover focaccia?

• 19:08Speaker 02

  I think when I was about twenty-two.

• 19:11Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 19:12Speaker 02

  And I went to Italy and they had this bread of, oh, look at that. You know, because you're naturally conservative, aren't you? Oh, don't know how to look at that. And then, uh, went in my mouth and that was it.

• 19:23Speaker 01

  Heaven.

• 19:23Speaker 02

  Yeah. It's like the first time you have chocolate, isn't it? I remember Dawn French telling me about her daughter, who was like sitting there and she gave her this thing. You know, she couldn't even speak yet, but she was obviously looking at it, thinking, well, is this a poo?

• 19:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 19:37Speaker 02

  A bit of brown poo. Put it in her mouth and her eyes just went.

• 19:43Speaker 02

  You know, it was the Garden of Eden.

• 19:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 19:45Speaker 02

  It was just that moment, you know, and focaccia was a bit like that. I love it.

• 19:49Speaker 00

  I'm imagining it was Terry's Chocolate Orange.

• 19:51Speaker 01

  Gotta be if it's French.

• 19:52Speaker 00

  Had to be Terry's Chocolate Orange if it's Dawn French, right?

• 19:55Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 19:55Speaker 00

  That's all, that's all they have in.

• 19:57Speaker 02

  All they have.

• 19:57Speaker 01

  That was in her contract. You've got to give this to your daughter.

• 19:59Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 20:00Speaker 01

  Give this to your baby. Yeah, go, give us a bit of this to your baby right now.

• 20:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, now.

• 20:05Speaker 01

  You go into it. Tell as many people as you can how much she loved it. She loved Terry Enfield. He's big.

• 20:10Speaker 02

  They used to make that. When I was at university, they made that round the corner.

• 20:13Speaker 00

  Did they?

• 20:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was at university in York and the Terry's factory was there and the Roundtree's factory.

• 20:18Speaker 01

  Oh, wow. Which one smelled nicer?

• 20:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, could you, did you get the smells drifting over?

• 20:22Speaker 02

  There was a, the smells were terrible because it, I don't know how they make gelatine, but they used to say it was like calves hooves.

• 20:31Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think they, sure. I think there is a bit of truth to it. It's smell of hooves.

• 20:35Speaker 02

  There were also breweries, so it smelled of that.

• 20:37Speaker 01

  Oh, dear.

• 20:38Speaker 00

  The hops.

• 20:39Speaker 02

  It's fine.

• 20:39Speaker 00

  Yeah. The hop smell is not good. The first time I went to Edinburgh and you can just smell the hops drifting over. I learnt to love that smell, but it's pretty disgusting.

• 20:48Speaker 02

  Is that where you were at?

• 20:49Speaker 00

  No, no, no, but just doing the festival, like going up every year. I was at university in Durham and I don't think we had any factories.

• 20:55Speaker 02

  No factories.

• 20:56Speaker 00

  Nearby, just a prison. So you just get prison smell?

• 20:59Speaker 02

  Yes. Have you been to prison?

• 21:01Speaker 00

  Never been to, never, have I ever been to prison?

• 21:04Speaker 02

  Not yet.

• 21:05Speaker 00

  No, not yet. Sorry, not yet. Yeah. And we don't know because this is four months time. I might be in prison now.

• 21:09Speaker 01

  Could be in prison now.

• 21:10Speaker 02

  Exactly. And, you know, these days one's past comes back to haunt one a bit, doesn't it?

• 21:15Speaker 00

  Yes, all my murders.

• 21:16Speaker 01

  So you've done some stuff that you got away with, but.

• 21:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, watch out for my murders.

• 21:20Speaker 01

  People could go down your Twitter timeline and find that tweet you did.

• 21:22Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, I've killed, I've killed again.

• 21:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 21:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 21:25Speaker 01

  Just another murder, loving it. Come and see my show this weekend.

• 21:28Speaker 02

  Emoji.

• 21:30Speaker 00

  But yeah, I used to live pretty near Durham, the prison, near a prison in Durham. Yeah, so sort of lived down the road from Rose West for a bit.

• 21:39Speaker 02

  Really?

• 21:39Speaker 00

  So that's nice, isn't it? Yeah, she's one of my neighbours.

• 21:42Speaker 02

  Wow. Gosh, but you never got to meet her. You never went there.

• 21:45Speaker 00

  No, no, no. And she was a homebody.

• 21:52Speaker 02

  She was. Well, I'll just tell you something, if I'm gonna give a plug, not only to my tour, I'm going on tour now around the country, but also if you want to smell hops in Edinburgh, there are no better hops to smell than coming from Barney's Brewery.

• 22:07Speaker 00

  Barney's Brewery.

• 22:08Speaker 02

  Barney's Beer is one of the best beers you could possibly have in the world, especially his volcanic IPA. Well, that's my favourite, but he does loads.

• 22:17Speaker 00

  Oh.

• 22:17Speaker 02

  It's my brother-in-law.

• 22:18Speaker 00

  Oh, great.

• 22:19Speaker 02

  But I'm being truthful about this.

• 22:21Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 22:21Speaker 02

  And when Paul and I went on tour, there was a beer snob.

• 22:24Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 22:25Speaker 02

  And, you know, part of the crew, he was a proper, he knew all his beers and all that. So have you ever had Barney's beer? He said, no. So I got him something and he went, oh my God, this is amazing.

• 22:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:36Speaker 02

  So every week Barney'd send down another crate of beer for the for the tour.

• 22:40Speaker 00

  When you gave the beer snob Barney's beer, was it like Dawn French giving her?

• 22:44Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 22:45Speaker 00

  Daughter of the chocolate.

• 22:45Speaker 02

  It was, yeah. His little eyes were like that. This is amazing. So anyway, that's my.

• 22:52Speaker 00

  Barney's Beer. Yeah, nice. Shout out.

• 22:56Speaker 01

  Let's start your menu proper now.

• 22:58Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 22:59Speaker 01

  Uh, your dream starter, Harry.

• 23:01Speaker 00

  You finished your water.

• 23:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, you plugged that down, you had your pachyderm, dipping it in the oil.

• 23:06Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 23:07Speaker 01

  It's a dream starter. Oh, a little bit of salt on there, of course.

• 23:10Speaker 02

  Oysters, please.

• 23:12Speaker 01

  Oysters?

• 23:13Speaker 00

  It's been a while since we've had a shout out for oysters, hasn't it?

• 23:15Speaker 02

  Really?

• 23:16Speaker 01

  It's always, it's always good.

• 23:17Speaker 02

  I love oysters.

• 23:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 23:19Speaker 02

  And me and my friends, Paul and Dan, sometimes we just, right, shall we have dinner? I don't feel like it's like, I thought we'd go to the oyster bar. Oh, yeah. Okay. Right. We go there, oysters and chips. Quite often we just have that, you know, and that's it.

• 23:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, but the chips is good.

• 23:34Speaker 02

  There's something about an oyster slugging down your throat I just love.

• 23:38Speaker 00

  Some people find that awful as an idea, right?

• 23:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:42Speaker 00

  But I think once you've had it, once you get over that initial thing of the texture, it's beautiful.

• 23:47Speaker 02

  Well, my kids used to hate, hate oysters. They, you know, exactly that. They, yeah. But once they finally tried them, now they have them all.

• 23:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:55Speaker 02

  You know, so I go, cause there's a place, we've got a place in Cornwall, it's a place down the road, um, where they, they, there's an oyster farm. Basically, if you walk around the coast, there's an oyster farm. So I go to the farmer and buy 12 oysters for sort of eight quid.

• 24:09Speaker 00

  You're buying them from Source? Wow, that's cool.

• 24:12Speaker 02

  And then you take them back, woof, chuck them. I love, I love shucking.

• 24:17Speaker 01

  Got a great image now of the first time your kids tried oysters and like you've sat them down, they got the oysters and then knock on the door. Answer it, policeman.

• 24:27Speaker 01

  Your car's been nicked. Oh yeah, come on in.

• 24:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, come on in.

• 24:29Speaker 01

  All your kids are eating oysters, looking absolutely gutted.

• 24:33Speaker 00

  Watching your show.

• 24:34Speaker 01

  Hating it.

• 24:36Speaker 01

  You're going to love both of these things.

• 24:37Speaker 02

  Yes, you will. Now, now watch me laugh and eat oysters.

• 24:43Speaker 00

  So you're, you're home shucking.

• 24:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 24:46Speaker 01

  You're a home shucker.

• 24:47Speaker 00

  How, are you, are you good at that? I mean, it's quite, I've, I've done it. I've tried it. It's, it's, it's a tricky old thing. Yeah.

• 24:52Speaker 02

  But my youngest daughter now is brilliant at it.

• 24:55Speaker 00

  Oh, well, there you go.

• 24:56Speaker 02

  She works at a fish restaurant, you see.

• 24:57Speaker 00

  Oh, nice.

• 24:58Speaker 02

  Bam, bam, bam. She's opened them like that. Crabs, oysters, any shellfish.

• 25:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:04Speaker 02

  You know, lobsters, everything, poof.

• 25:06Speaker 01

  That must be good having like, one of your children works in a restaurant.

• 25:10Speaker 02

  It's very useful. I mean, I don't live with her anymore. She's 23, but you know, when we get oysters down in Cornwall, it's like, oh, just best. Slug down your throat, don't they?

• 25:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:21Speaker 02

  Little bit of um, Tabasco and just the seawater slugging.

• 25:26Speaker 00

  So you're just, you're just.

• 25:27Speaker 02

  It's really the most pure thing.

• 25:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:29Speaker 02

  Basically, isn't it? Cause it's like, well, they don't do anything. You know, you have a steak, they got to get the cow, they got to go, look that way, bam. They got to do all this stuff to it.

• 25:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. They, and they say look that way.

• 25:40Speaker 02

  And then it ends up at Tesco's or whatever.

• 25:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:42Speaker 02

  With an oyster, there it is. Open it up.

• 25:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:45Speaker 01

  You don't have to distract an oyster.

• 25:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  No one's ever had to distract an oyster.

• 25:49Speaker 00

  I'm not sure they're fully distracting the cows, to be honest. I'm not sure they're bothering them. Well, Temple Grandin sorted it all out.

• 25:56Speaker 02

  Who?

• 25:57Speaker 01

  Temple Grandin. It was, it was mad with the cows for ages. Tried to like, you know, kill the cows. It's all like, it's, it's chaotic and not very nice, distressing for the cattle.

• 26:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:07Speaker 01

  And Temple Grandin come up with a machine that kind of like hugs them gently, feels quite nice for them and keeps them very still and calm. And then they can bolt them in their head and kill them.

• 26:17Speaker 02

  How do you know that?

• 26:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, this is.

• 26:19Speaker 02

  Who is Temple Grandin?

• 26:21Speaker 01

  Temple Grandin uh was, I think she grew up on a farm.

• 26:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:25Speaker 01

  And a film, Claire Danes played her in a, I think, a film.

• 26:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:30Speaker 01

  And um she was basically able to just, she liked like the feeling of being like, now these.

• 26:37Speaker 02

  Cuddled.

• 26:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, so there's like a Temple Grandin like squeeze machine that people like to use as well.

• 26:42Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 26:43Speaker 01

  Like.

• 26:43Speaker 02

  And then you get a bolt in the head.

• 26:44Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, they're there, they feel nice, and then they bolt them in their head.

• 26:48Speaker 00

  Is it like when you have your foot measured at Clark's?

• 26:50Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 26:51Speaker 02

  And they bolt you.

• 26:52Speaker 01

  That kind of nice feeling, that nice feeling of the foot, yeah.

• 26:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 26:55Speaker 01

  It's exactly like that.

• 26:56Speaker 02

  You know what, that, when we have assisted dying, I would like that, the Temple Grandin assisted dying.

• 27:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 27:02Speaker 02

  It's lovely cuddle from this, yeah, it could be great big sort of rubbery hands, you know.

• 27:08Speaker 00

  You want big rubber, that would relax you.

• 27:09Speaker 01

  You would like a big rubbery hands.

• 27:11Speaker 02

  That's nice, and then go.

• 27:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 27:13Speaker 02

  I see it.

• 27:14Speaker 01

  The Mr. Dead.

• 27:15Speaker 00

  Mr. Dead, yeah.

• 27:16Speaker 02

  Mr. Dead.

• 27:17Speaker 00

  How many do you want?

• 27:18Speaker 02

  Um, well, uh, it depends how hungry I am, I want six please.

• 27:24Speaker 00

  Six, rock oysters you said?

• 27:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, I have a couple of rock oysters, a couple of Linda's Varn.

• 27:29Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 27:29Speaker 02

  Uh, you know, I don't know, you choose the others, I don't care. Do you know, in uh, I once went to the forum in Rome. With my son, and you know, we learned all this stuff and did all this stuff, and in the Roman days, they had fire ducts. Going the whole way from France, all the way down to Rome, right, with, with Colchester oysters in them.

• 27:54Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 27:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, so they come across the sea, plonk them in there, it was like, you know, it's like Amazon fire duct.

• 28:00Speaker 01

  Uh huh.

• 28:01Speaker 02

  A whoosh, the whole way to the forum in Rome.

• 28:04Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 28:04Speaker 02

  So you could have them the next day, that's amazing.

• 28:07Speaker 00

  That is amazing, yeah.

• 28:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:09Speaker 00

  Bring it back.

• 28:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, that was it, and then, of course, that was the end of civilization very soon after that.

• 28:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 28:13Speaker 02

  The Roman civilization, so, you know, and now we got Amazon, hmm, looking good, isn't it?

• 28:19Speaker 00

  I wouldn't be ordering oysters on Amazon though, would you?

• 28:21Speaker 02

  No.

• 28:22Speaker 00

  I don't trust that.

• 28:23Speaker 02

  I don't, I don't use Amazon.

• 28:24Speaker 00

  No, especially not for.

• 28:26Speaker 02

  Well, he's a friend of Donald Trump and Nina.

• 28:29Speaker 01

  He is. He's insane, he's like O'Macan.

• 28:33Speaker 02

  Oh, I just don't like these people.

• 28:35Speaker 01

  No.

• 28:35Speaker 02

  Sorry about that. Oh, well.

• 28:37Speaker 00

  It's all right. I think you're on safe turf.

• 28:39Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 28:39Speaker 00

  Um, so you're having six oysters.

• 28:42Speaker 02

  Yes, please.

• 28:43Speaker 00

  Are you swallowing or is it one bite then down?

• 28:45Speaker 02

  Oh, no, I go crunch, crunch.

• 28:49Speaker 02

  Like that.

• 28:50Speaker 00

  And you always put your, your eyes back?

• 28:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, I do. So if someone's talking.

• 28:54Speaker 00

  I'm glad we filmed the podcast.

• 28:55Speaker 02

  And when I go down with Dan and, and Paul to eat oysters, we're telling a story and then.

• 29:04Speaker 02

  Oh, God, that was good. Glunk.

• 29:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 29:06Speaker 02

  And then lots of white wine.

• 29:08Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 29:08Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, white wine with the oysters. Do we talk about wine?

• 29:12Speaker 00

  Well, we normally do drink later on, but if you want to pair something specific, no?

• 29:15Speaker 02

  Okay. Think about it later. I'm still on the fizzy water then.

• 29:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, still on the fizzy water.

• 29:20Speaker 02

  I'd sooner have fizzy water and oysters than a glass of white wine.

• 29:24Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 29:24Speaker 02

  I've had six of them. They've slugged down my throat.

• 29:27Speaker 00

  Slugged straight down. Yeah, yeah.

• 29:28Speaker 02

  Like a slug. Have you ever eaten a slug?

• 29:30Speaker 00

  No, I can't say. But if someone told me that, like with oysters, that they're a delicacy.

• 29:36Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 29:36Speaker 00

  I probably would eat slug.

• 29:37Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 29:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 29:38Speaker 02

  Yeah. See.

• 29:39Speaker 00

  I think I would.

• 29:40Speaker 02

  I had a friend whose daughter, she was just really so pretty little girl of about two. And she was like toddling around and this is in France one summer, I'll never forget. But she did like a slug and a snail. And then she'd come in this pretty little face, she'd go like that and you'd see this black thing.

• 30:02Speaker 02

  And she had a terrible stomach upset every day.

• 30:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:06Speaker 02

  There was one day she came and you thought, oh, great, she hasn't got an oyster. And then you saw these little legs around her. It was a spider she found, a really big one.

• 30:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 30:14Speaker 00

  Oh, my God.

• 30:15Speaker 02

  The Little Bear Grylls.

• 30:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:17Speaker 02

  Yes. Well, yeah, I don't believe that. I've seen that thing he did with the fish like that bollocks.

• 30:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:25Speaker 02

  So I just don't believe it.

• 30:27Speaker 00

  Yeah. What element of.

• 30:29Speaker 02

  But the great thing he's done is he's a, he's baptized Russell Brand.

• 30:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's a bit, I bet.

• 30:36Speaker 02

  That's a bit Dave Nice, that is. Yeah, I got in trouble for something.

• 30:41Speaker 01

  Yep.

• 30:42Speaker 02

  A little mucky around with someone, then I discovered Jesus.

• 30:47Speaker 01

  Is that kind of that?

• 30:47Speaker 02

  Did you? Yeah. Who's that other bloke?

• 30:50Speaker 01

  It was in the Thames as well. I bet, I bet he came out looking like that little girl with loads of like cockles in his mouth or actually it's the Thames, probably turds.

• 30:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, probably turds.

• 30:59Speaker 01

  Like a turds in his mouth.

• 31:00Speaker 02

  Yeah. Do you, do you like shitting in the Thames?

• 31:03Speaker 01

  Uh, yeah, for us, the brand's getting baptized, you know, I do.

• 31:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 31:06Speaker 01

  Dropping a few nuggets in there.

• 31:07Speaker 00

  We were on Hammersmith Bridge with our arses hung over the edge. Today's episode of the Off Menu podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.

• 31:17Speaker 01

  Oh man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan. Do you know what I mean?

• 31:22Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofas, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast. But you know what? We very rarely talk about where we want to eat this dream meal.

• 31:42Speaker 01

  Sure, yeah, I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the setting, the vibe. And Cozy's modular customizable furniture for the whole home does just that.

• 31:52Speaker 00

  And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room. And I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful cozy table. Linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James, you're a mucky pup.

• 32:14Speaker 01

  I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the Cozy furniture?

• 32:17Speaker 00

  No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs, you telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere. Don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.

• 32:29Speaker 01

  Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?

• 32:33Speaker 00

  Absolutely. That's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well. And that's where Cozy comes in.

• 32:49Speaker 01

  And because it's cozy, the furniture isn't just good looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers and free design consultations if you want help making the whole room work.

• 33:01Speaker 00

  And it's easy to order, ship and assemble and maintain, James. The only way is the Cozy way.

• 33:07Speaker 01

  Visit Cozy today, that's C O Z E Y dot com and make yourself at home.

• 33:20Speaker 00

  Your dream make course, Harry?

• 33:23Speaker 02

  Yes, I've rather got off it now. What I would like to think is cocked van.

• 33:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:29Speaker 02

  Right? But different kind of cock, I mean pig's cock.

• 33:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 33:34Speaker 02

  Penis.

• 33:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 33:35Speaker 00

  Big penis.

• 33:36Speaker 02

  Penis, yes.

• 33:39Speaker 00

  The cock's good one, yeah. The cock's good.

• 33:41Speaker 02

  Yes, I like pig's cock. And I'll tell you why, because I once did this programme. Ah, it's terrible story, I'll try and keep it quick.

• 33:51Speaker 00

  No, no, no.

• 33:52Speaker 02

  I haven't thought about it.

• 33:53Speaker 00

  I think you're gonna, I think you're really gonna have to explain this one, Harry, so I think take your time.

• 33:56Speaker 02

  Basically, there's, there used to be, this is about 20 years ago, and a group of four of us mates used to go out to a posh restaurant every month.

• 34:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:05Speaker 02

  And one would pay each time, so it's my turn, your turn.

• 34:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:09Speaker 02

  It's Ed's, not Ed, Benardo's.

• 34:14Speaker 02

  Benito's.

• 34:15Speaker 00

  The great Benardo today.

• 34:16Speaker 02

  Oh, it's my turn, right?

• 34:17Speaker 01

  Benardo's.

• 34:18Speaker 02

  So we go to these swanky restaurants and of course, everyone wants to, you know, be nice, generous. So they're always really nice restaurants.

• 34:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:25Speaker 02

  Cost a fortune. So I'd arranged to go somewhere and then the phone went and it was someone saying, do you want to come on this? Could you, you couldn't possibly tonight come on a Gordon Ramsay show, sit in a restaurant, I don't know what it was. I go, right, has Jonathan Ross pulled out or something? I said, exactly.

• 34:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:46Speaker 02

  And I went, okay, and they said, we'll give you five grand. Didn't tell my mates.

• 34:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:52Speaker 02

  I said, well, what do I have to do? He said, you just have to have a meal, they're gonna cook a meal for you in this Ramsay restaurant, right? And then Gordon will come and have a chat for you for 10 minutes, but meal and wine is free. So I rang everyone up and said, I've managed to wangle a deal on this show. So rather than paying, I was getting five.

• 35:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:12Speaker 02

  Still never told them shit. And yeah, so we go along, we have a lovely meal, the four of us, you know, jabba jabba. And after a bit, and oh yeah, the guy who did it, you know, I had to speak to a researcher bloke and said, what's your favourite food? I said Japanese.

• 35:28Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 35:29Speaker 02

  Which he was at the time, you know, I vary these things and okay, that was that. So Gordon came over at some point. A little chat to camera. He said, now you like Japanese food? Yeah. Okay. Well, we're gonna blindfold you and give you some Japanese food. He gave me something that was disgusting.

• 35:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 35:46Speaker 02

  And it turned out it was like this green sick. And it was from a fish that they they feed it with grain or something.

• 35:55Speaker 00

  Uh huh.

• 35:55Speaker 02

  And then they uh leave it to rot for about a month.

• 36:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:00Speaker 02

  And then they eat what's in its guts. Really, really not very nice.

• 36:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:05Speaker 02

  So the second thing he gave me, it was like the, and of course, there are all these other people in the restaurant, the telly restaurant.

• 36:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:11Speaker 02

  And I have a bite and they're all going, uh, because they put up on the screen what it is. I'm, this is delicious. It's like a sausage, absolutely delicious. And then they took the blindfold off and said, guess what? You know, Gordon said, guess what that is? His pig's cock. You know, and I, and of course, being on telly, you go, uh, oh no.

• 36:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:32Speaker 02

  I mean, yeah, you know, and, and but um, yeah, it was nice. But I, because I'd gone, oh, no, uh, you know, for telly.

• 36:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:42Speaker 02

  And then as soon as he'd gone, uh, Danny, my mate, or I think he was still talking, Danny said, can I have it?

• 36:50Speaker 02

  And he ate a lot. By the time we'd finished talking, Danny had eaten.

• 36:53Speaker 00

  The whole pig stick.

• 36:54Speaker 02

  All the thing. And I regret it.

• 36:56Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:57Speaker 02

  I regret I didn't eat the whole thing.

• 36:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:00Speaker 00

  So you would like pig's cock, Ivan, for your dream meal?

• 37:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:04Speaker 01

  Are you?

• 37:04Speaker 02

  I think so.

• 37:05Speaker 01

  The only celeb is constantly trying to get on, I'm a celebrity, get me out of it, just, just for the food. Get me, oh, whatever.

• 37:11Speaker 02

  They won't have me.

• 37:12Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, they just won't have me. People say, oh, you get a hundred grand or something, man. I ring up, I say, we only give you two p.

• 37:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 37:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:20Speaker 02

  Not two new pants, as we call it.

• 37:22Speaker 00

  Take your mates with you and don't tell them you're getting a hundred grand. They'll be so grateful.

• 37:25Speaker 02

  That's a good idea.

• 37:26Speaker 00

  We're having dinner in Australia tonight, lads.

• 37:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, we're having slants and snails, puppy dog's tails.

• 37:33Speaker 00

  It's a picked cocker van, that's great.

• 37:35Speaker 02

  Is that allowed? Has anyone ever chosen human?

• 37:38Speaker 00

  No, not yet. I'm sure it's gonna happen one day. Just people, do you think there's people who are just curious about eating human?

• 37:46Speaker 02

  I just love the idea that actually it's delicious.

• 37:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:49Speaker 02

  And nicer than pork, because I love pork.

• 37:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:52Speaker 02

  You know, I really love pork. I think it's vastly, um, undebated.

• 37:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:56Speaker 02

  Pork is so cheap. When you go to the butcher, it's really cheap. You wouldn't know that because you're millionaires.

• 38:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:02Speaker 02

  I know it's cheap, you know, so yeah, I probably have, uh, in a little what, or a little juice, they call it.

• 38:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, a jus.

• 38:12Speaker 02

  A jus. So you have the penis there, there's a little jus coming out the end.

• 38:16Speaker 00

  Coming out the end. Just to remind you what it is.

• 38:18Speaker 02

  Tastefully, yeah, the plate, you know.

• 38:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, they decorate.

• 38:21Speaker 02

  Because it's round like that, and then you have it coming from the end of it, jushing around the plate.

• 38:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:27Speaker 02

  A nice sort of, um.

• 38:28Speaker 00

  So nice.

• 38:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:30Speaker 02

  Just.

• 38:31Speaker 00

  That's very, very nice. Very classy.

• 38:33Speaker 02

  Can I, can I, I forgot, uh, there's another course I'd like before.

• 38:38Speaker 00

  Oh, okay, before. Before the main?

• 38:40Speaker 02

  Before the cock.

• 38:42Speaker 00

  Okay, that's all right. Well, well, what is it?

• 38:45Speaker 02

  Cock of a van. Uh, it, well, it's truffle pasta. It's my favorite thing in the world.

• 38:50Speaker 00

  Lovely. Oh, yeah, you can have a pasta course.

• 38:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think we.

• 38:54Speaker 00

  I do like truffles. I think, I think it's been overdone in this sort of fake truffle world, the synthetic truffle oil.

• 39:01Speaker 02

  Yes, yeah.

• 39:02Speaker 00

  I think it can be a bit overdone, but real truffle's very nice, a lovely, a lovely treat.

• 39:07Speaker 02

  Truffle, oh my god. You see, Giorgio Locatelli, this cook, like a friend, him and his truffles, I mean, he once cooked for Abramovich. Yeah, he was out in Sicily, Giorgio, and, and like, he used to come to his restaurant, Locatelli.

• 39:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:23Speaker 02

  Abramovich occasionally, and suddenly he gets called, he's in Sicily, saying, you know, Abramovich would like you to come and cook on his boat and show his people how to cook.

• 39:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:33Speaker 02

  So Giorgio gets taken out to this boat, how to cook truffles, and shows him, shows them how to make truffle pasta like he does. And then, so Roman would like to come and say thanks, so he goes up on deck to have a fag, and there's like two helicopter pads. Right, one one end, one the other.

• 39:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 39:54Speaker 02

  Right, this boat. And he comes up and oh, thank you very much. You know, Roman comes up, blah, blah, blah. So I said, can I ask you something? Why two helicopter pads? He goes, uh, uh, people have luggage.

• 40:09Speaker 02

  Ain't it?

• 40:10Speaker 00

  Well.

• 40:11Speaker 02

  See, how many helicopter pads have you got? None.

• 40:16Speaker 00

  I'm on zero at the moment. I've got to be, I've got to say, yeah. And I'll just take my luggage with me a lot of the time.

• 40:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, I don't need a separate.

• 40:22Speaker 02

  I do the same.

• 40:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 40:24Speaker 02

  I go by moped.

• 40:25Speaker 00

  Yeah. You do go by moped.

• 40:27Speaker 02

  I did. I came here today on my moped.

• 40:29Speaker 00

  On your moped?

• 40:29Speaker 02

  But truffle pasta, sorry, it's just.

• 40:32Speaker 00

  Beautiful.

• 40:32Speaker 02

  Do you like truffles?

• 40:34Speaker 01

  I do. I, I, I mean, like.

• 40:36Speaker 02

  You are, yeah.

• 40:37Speaker 01

  Like, yeah, yeah. Before I did this podcast, I've never had truffles in my life.

• 40:41Speaker 02

  Really?

• 40:42Speaker 01

  And then started having these fancy meals. Oh, this truffle is incredible. Now I'm at the point where I'm like, oh, I hope it's not more truffle.

• 40:51Speaker 02

  Really?

• 40:52Speaker 01

  But like, uh, but I, I went to a restaurant the other day called Perilla, which I think I've.

• 40:57Speaker 00

  Great restaurant.

• 40:58Speaker 01

  I've been speaking of quite a lot. It's in Stoke Newington, had an incredible meal. I was very, very enthusiastic. But like the dessert, I just looked at it, it said sticky toffee pudding. I was quite excited about that.

• 41:08Speaker 02

  Go wrong.

• 41:08Speaker 01

  It turned out it was black truffle sticky toffee pudding with black truffle ice cream. And I was like, oh, I'm not sure about that. Actually, it was incredible.

• 41:15Speaker 02

  Was it?

• 41:16Speaker 01

  It was incredible, Harry. So then when, when you say to me at this point in my life, do I like truffle? I'm back on board.

• 41:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, good. Yeah. As long as it's sticky toffee pudding.

• 41:24Speaker 01

  As long as it's with a sticky toffee pudding in the ice cream.

• 41:26Speaker 02

  People think it tastes of socks.

• 41:28Speaker 01

  Sure. My, my girlfriend says it smells of jizz.

• 41:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 41:31Speaker 02

  It smells of jizz.

• 41:32Speaker 01

  That's what she said. She says it smells of jizz. And so.

• 41:35Speaker 00

  Well, that's quite a nice lead into the big cock then, isn't it?

• 41:37Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:38Speaker 00

  Really?

• 41:39Speaker 02

  Yes, it is.

• 41:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. It's sort of thematic.

• 41:40Speaker 02

  It, it's nice to know what your jizz smells of.

• 41:43Speaker 01

  Yeah. It's quite a.

• 41:45Speaker 02

  Truffles.

• 41:45Speaker 01

  Gourmet jizz.

• 41:46Speaker 02

  I think there's a lot of women who love truffles.

• 41:50Speaker 01

  I'm a lucky guy.

• 41:52Speaker 02

  Very happy, very stoked.

• 41:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 41:55Speaker 02

  I do truffle juice.

• 41:58Speaker 00

  You've really come up in the world. No, the truffle pasta is a wonderful addition. I've made it at home once.

• 42:04Speaker 02

  Really?

• 42:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, my wife loves truffle pasta. We'd been to that restaurant Gloria, do you know Gloria in Shoreditch?

• 42:10Speaker 02

  No.

• 42:10Speaker 00

  It's an Italian restaurant, they do a really nice truffle pasta. And I looked up the recipe and ordered, ordered a truffle.

• 42:16Speaker 02

  Really?

• 42:16Speaker 00

  Delivery.

• 42:17Speaker 02

  Online?

• 42:17Speaker 00

  Online. Got it delivered to the house. Yeah.

• 42:21Speaker 02

  A lovely black truffle.

• 42:22Speaker 00

  A lovely black truffle, bought a truffle shaver as well.

• 42:25Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 42:25Speaker 00

  Obviously, I've never needed the truffle shaver since.

• 42:27Speaker 01

  I imagine you probably, knowing you've sliced your finger open on it.

• 42:30Speaker 00

  Yeah. I do that a lot.

• 42:32Speaker 02

  And that thing?

• 42:33Speaker 00

  Do you? Yeah.

• 42:34Speaker 02

  Let me have a look.

• 42:34Speaker 00

  Well, can you see, can you see my thumb there? There's a line there.

• 42:37Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 42:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, that is a scar from a Dauphinois accident.

• 42:41Speaker 02

  Oh, I'm sorry.

• 42:42Speaker 00

  I only have very.

• 42:43Speaker 02

  Your hands are all right though, aren't they?

• 42:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, they're all right generally, yeah.

• 42:46Speaker 02

  Are you happy with your hands?

• 42:47Speaker 00

  I think so, I mean, I can't, there's not much I can do now, really.

• 42:49Speaker 02

  I've got the same hands as the king.

• 42:51Speaker 00

  Have you got the, you got the fingers?

• 42:53Speaker 02

  Little, little fat sausages.

• 42:55Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah, little stubby fingers.

• 42:56Speaker 02

  Yes, like his majesty. He's middle.

• 43:00Speaker 00

  Yours look less of a medical worry, though, I would say. His look like they're about to pop off.

• 43:04Speaker 02

  Oh, well, that's kind of you, but I'm not quite his age. When I am, I, they'll probably pop off.

• 43:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:10Speaker 02

  Have little fat stumps.

• 43:18Speaker 01

  Your dream side dish then, how?

• 43:20Speaker 02

  Oh, well, I do like halter.

• 43:23Speaker 01

  What's that?

• 43:24Speaker 02

  It's basically like greens, it's a bit like spinach or something. But it's Greek or they do it in, in Greece. And they call it halter and it's delicious. You know, it's just a bit garlic and all that, so I love a bit of that.

• 43:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:37Speaker 02

  But basically, I try to be good because I'm a fakir now. So with my penis, cock of that, I should like some halter. Or, you know, the usual broccoli with bits of.

• 43:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 43:50Speaker 02

  On it, you know, chili.

• 43:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:52Speaker 02

  Chili and that stuff.

• 43:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:53Speaker 02

  All the greens.

• 43:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 43:55Speaker 02

  I'm like, right, I'd like a bit of that on the side or cabbage on the side, please. And then they say, would you like any chips? Yes.

• 44:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:01Speaker 02

  Can't stop it.

• 44:03Speaker 00

  You love chips.

• 44:04Speaker 02

  Triple, this triple fried thing.

• 44:06Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 44:07Speaker 02

  When did they start that? It's great, isn't it?

• 44:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:10Speaker 02

  Can you get quadruple fried chips?

• 44:12Speaker 00

  I'm sure, I'm sure you could.

• 44:14Speaker 02

  There's a gap in the market for that, isn't there?

• 44:16Speaker 00

  But then it's an arms race. Then when does it end, Harry?

• 44:18Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 44:19Speaker 00

  You know, then we're, then we're having fifty, fifty times cooked chips. I think it's a Heston thing, you know? Heston started it. The triple, the triple cooked chip feels like a Heston thing.

• 44:27Speaker 02

  Does it? Yeah.

• 44:28Speaker 00

  Sorry if I'm wrong, but they, they like the parboiling, then doing once in the oil for a little bit, taking them out, letting them rest and then frying them for a final time.

• 44:39Speaker 02

  I really want one now.

• 44:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 44:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 44:42Speaker 02

  Like a dog.

• 44:44Speaker 00

  I think it's very nice that you're having greens, that you're like, I have to have the greens.

• 44:47Speaker 02

  Got to have the greens.

• 44:49Speaker 00

  But the chips, the chips are going to be on this menu as well.

• 44:51Speaker 02

  See, and I think, well, I'll just have two.

• 44:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 44:54Speaker 02

  And then, in fact, recently I had dinner, uh, lunch with some mates, including Trevor Eve. Do you know the very bad actor?

• 45:02Speaker 02

  No, not bad actor, I mean, very bad man.

• 45:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, I'm aware of Trevor Eve, yes.

• 45:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, we'll get some chips. So I got some chips, he ate them all.

• 45:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:09Speaker 02

  Except for two.

• 45:11Speaker 00

  Batman. So you had two chips.

• 45:12Speaker 02

  Sorry, I'm eating your chips.

• 45:15Speaker 00

  But that's sort of what you want though, isn't it? Cause you only want to have two chips.

• 45:18Speaker 02

  Yes, you do. It's like girls, like Ben used to do a routine. It was brilliant.

• 45:22Speaker 00

  Ben Elton. Yeah, not, not Benito.

• 45:24Speaker 02

  No, no, Ben Elton.

• 45:26Speaker 00

  That wasn't in his majority.

• 45:27Speaker 02

  About chips and how he'd order chips. And his girlfriend at the time, before he was married, would not order chips. So girls don't order chips. And then they say, I can have one of yours.

• 45:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:38Speaker 02

  I'll buy you your own fucking plate of chips. Just don't touch mine. Can't you have your own?

• 45:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:45Speaker 02

  And I, I'm.

• 45:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:47Speaker 02

  But I'm not like that. I'm much nicer than Ben.

• 45:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 45:50Speaker 02

  So I obviously go, yes, please have a chip.

• 45:54Speaker 00

  Yeah. So the triple cooked are your favourite way to have chips?

• 45:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, my most favourite is.

• 45:58Speaker 00

  So when, when you'd have the oysters with your friends?

• 46:01Speaker 02

  Chips, yeah.

• 46:02Speaker 00

  Is that triple cooked or is that, I, I imagine that's more French fry?

• 46:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, it would, no, no. Well, they can be.

• 46:07Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 46:08Speaker 02

  You're right. But it's this one pub we go to downstairs, oysters and proper chips.

• 46:14Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:15Speaker 02

  But you don't want, uh, you go into a chip and there's just fluff in there. You don't want that. You want a proper chip with nice case and hardly any potato.

• 46:25Speaker 00

  You just want all crisp, all crisp and oil.

• 46:27Speaker 02

  I want my arteries nice and hard, you know, like cement.

• 46:32Speaker 00

  I'm glad someone's saying this because.

• 46:33Speaker 02

  It's like a building, isn't it? You don't want shitty cement, you fall down.

• 46:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, you want to be strong.

• 46:37Speaker 01

  Your body's a temple.

• 46:39Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 46:39Speaker 01

  So get that cement in there, build it nice and strong temple.

• 46:42Speaker 02

  Build it nice and strongly.

• 46:43Speaker 00

  Cause the, the, the broad opinion on chips seems to be the accepted opinion is crispy on the outside and really fluffy and potatoey in the middle. But I'm glad someone's saying this. I just want the crisp all the way through. I want a bag of crisp.

• 46:55Speaker 02

  Well, that's why you buy, yes, exactly. But I want to pay more than for a bag of crisp.

• 47:00Speaker 00

  And hot, you want them to be hot.

• 47:01Speaker 02

  Reassuring the expensive chips.

• 47:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:03Speaker 02

  If you get a good one.

• 47:04Speaker 00

  Yeah, beautiful.

• 47:05Speaker 02

  Sorry, one thing we haven't talked about yet is music.

• 47:10Speaker 01

  Oh, yes, of course.

• 47:12Speaker 02

  Like in this restaurant is their music.

• 47:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's up to you. I mean, it's your dream restaurant.

• 47:16Speaker 02

  I don't want music.

• 47:18Speaker 01

  Neither is.

• 47:20Speaker 02

  I just want to say that because I'm deaf.

• 47:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:22Speaker 02

  I'm pretty deaf. If I go into a restaurant and there's music, I always say, could you turn it down? I'm deaf.

• 47:28Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:29Speaker 02

  Which works these days.

• 47:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:30Speaker 02

  Cause it's like a disability and they go, fuck, we better turn it now or we'll get into trouble, won't we?

• 47:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:36Speaker 02

  With the woke police.

• 47:37Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think that's what they think. That's what they're thinking.

• 47:39Speaker 02

  With the woke, the woke brigade. So we have, they have to turn.

• 47:42Speaker 01

  Absolutely no way that they're thinking that.

• 47:45Speaker 02

  How dare they? They're going for God's sake. Could you turn it down? Please, I'm deaf. Thank you. But I like to be able to, you know, the whole point of being in a restaurant is with your chums and you have a bit of food and you talk rubbish, don't you?

• 47:58Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 47:59Speaker 02

  And if I can't hear the rubbish that's coming out of their mouths, there's no point.

• 48:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, you want to hear the rubbish. So no music in the dream restaurant.

• 48:06Speaker 00

  Especially in a restaurant with lots of hard surfaces and everything's like echoing off each other and glasses.

• 48:12Speaker 02

  Can you start an app? I don't know how to do this, but I want an app called Here to Eat.

• 48:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:18Speaker 02

  H E A R to eat, eat. Do you get it?

• 48:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:21Speaker 02

  Yeah. And you get five stars if there's no music, there's tablecloths. There's like padded walls like in my cell. You know. So that I can actually hear.

• 48:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:33Speaker 02

  You know, and it's a real boat. There's a, do you know Trillo?

• 48:36Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 48:36Speaker 02

  Oh, I love Trillo. It's, I mean, it's absolutely brilliant restaurant. But there's a new kind of the, the chef who started that restaurant called Burrow, um, which is brilliant in, in Covent Garden. And the tables are far enough apart that you can talk without, you know. Them hearing what you say.

• 48:56Speaker 00

  Yeah, great.

• 48:57Speaker 02

  So even though there's no music, though there is a bit of music there, they need to turn it down.

• 49:01Speaker 00

  So that would be, that would be what, four point five stars on Here to Eat?

• 49:04Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 49:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:05Speaker 02

  Four point five.

• 49:06Speaker 00

  I think this is good because more and more now I'm thinking, I hate not being able to hear what people are saying. And also, if I can't hear what people are saying in a situation, I do not have the like strength of character to say, could you repeat it? I just agree.

• 49:20Speaker 02

  You see, I do the same now.

• 49:22Speaker 00

  Okay, yeah, yeah.

• 49:23Speaker 02

  And they say it's a bit like this person. I just go, yes. And they said, do you bother with Jan?

• 49:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:29Speaker 02

  We go, yes.

• 49:30Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, very good. Yeah, yeah. And then they go, what? They go, oh, I'm leaving.

• 49:34Speaker 02

  You see, you're young, eh? You too young. You might not think you are, but you are. When you get to my, my mum is ninety five and she's completely deaf. So, and she's really annoying, you know, because you say, do you want a cup of tea? She goes, what?

• 49:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 49:49Speaker 02

  Would you like a cup of tea, mum? And I said, oh, yes, lovely. And then you, you get up and the way you do, you say, I'll put the kettle on. She goes, what? I just said I'll put the kettle on. The what? The kettle, you know, and it's, it's, and I'm getting there.

• 50:06Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 50:07Speaker 02

  And it happens later, but because I swim in the, eh, Hampstead ponds, Highgate ponds. I've got stalactites in my ears.

• 50:15Speaker 00

  What?

• 50:16Speaker 02

  Stalactites, you grow them because they've got tiny little hearing aids you can get now that go in and apparently they're very good.

• 50:22Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 50:23Speaker 02

  Everyone says you must get them. They cost a fortune, but they're worth having. And so I went to get them fitted. They said, no, you've got big bone stalactites have grown in your ears. Do you do a lot of freshwater swimming? And I said, well, yeah. They said, ah, that's what it is. And you can have them chopped off, but it's very painful and takes a long time. I'd sooner not hear what you're saying.

• 50:45Speaker 00

  So you swim so much in Hampstead ponds that you, your ear is like a little cave?

• 50:49Speaker 02

  Yes, a little cave like that, you see. I don't know what it is. It, it might be the sort of, I don't know, the rotting corpses at the bottom.

• 50:57Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 50:58Speaker 02

  Let off this or something, you know. The roadkill.

• 51:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:03Speaker 02

  I don't know, but anyway, it happens.

• 51:04Speaker 01

  Swim down to the bottom for a bite to eat?

• 51:06Speaker 02

  Hmm?

• 51:07Speaker 01

  Swim down to the bottom for a bite to eat?

• 51:09Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 51:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, a bottom feeder.

• 51:11Speaker 01

  A little bottom feeder.

• 51:12Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 51:12Speaker 01

  Exactly.

• 51:13Speaker 00

  So you can't have the fancy hearing aids fitted because of the, because you've got stalactites in your ears?

• 51:17Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 51:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 51:18Speaker 00

  That's, this is all.

• 51:19Speaker 02

  So that's another reason for why I want a here to eat.

• 51:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, here to eat's a great idea.

• 51:23Speaker 02

  It's a good idea.

• 51:24Speaker 01

  I think it's a good idea. I think you're gonna maybe regret putting it out on the podcast because some of them could steal that idea.

• 51:30Speaker 02

  I don't mind.

• 51:31Speaker 01

  Oh, great.

• 51:31Speaker 00

  You just wanna use it, don't you? You don't wanna.

• 51:33Speaker 02

  I don't mind. You know, people always say that, like, there's a couple called Kevin and Perry who go around doing gigs as Kevin and Perry.

• 51:41Speaker 00

  Right.

• 51:42Speaker 02

  And they look like Kevin and Perry and then post little videos of themselves and, and they look great.

• 51:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:47Speaker 02

  People say, what do you think of Kevin and Perry? They're making this money out of you. I go, hats off to you. I'm not doing it.

• 51:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 51:54Speaker 02

  You know, we're not doing it. So you do it. And they go out, you know, I met someone the other day, a Scottish DJ, and he goes gigging with them in Ibiza. They go out to Ibiza and go, fair enough, you know, so if someone could do here to eat, I would love that.

• 52:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, great. Maybe the same people. What if the same people did it? Then we just start taking it personally.

• 52:12Speaker 02

  Kevin and Perry's here to eat.

• 52:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:16Speaker 02

  I mean, I'd say, I'd draw the line, you know, if I found them in bed with my partner.

• 52:21Speaker 01

  Dressed as Kevin and Perry?

• 52:22Speaker 02

  Yeah. Say, yeah, but we're Kevin and Perry. We could do this, can't we?

• 52:26Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:26Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, sorry, yeah. Hats off to you. Yeah. I draw the line.

• 52:31Speaker 01

  Thought the house smelled of truffles?

• 52:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, I thought we'd say someone smelled, oh no.

• 52:38Speaker 01

  Sorry, Harry.

• 52:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 52:39Speaker 00

  That was really fun because Harry was like, I heard you, I heard you eventually and then jumped, jumped on board and immediately jumped back off board again.

• 52:45Speaker 01

  It's not, yeah, going around the stalactites eventually.

• 52:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 52:49Speaker 01

  Oh, he just said, is my house buzzages?

• 52:56Speaker 01

  Your dream drink now, you hinted at white wine earlier and then you said, no, I'll just have the fizzy water with my oysters. But like, are we gonna see some wine here for your dream drink?

• 53:06Speaker 02

  I like a nice bottle of Chardonnay. I'm afraid I'm a Chardonnay person.

• 53:11Speaker 01

  I think it's back in now, isn't it?

• 53:12Speaker 02

  I like a Shably.

• 53:13Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:14Speaker 02

  You know, that's my favourite East Chardonnay, I think. It's got a bit of bite to it. It's nice and foosy.

• 53:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, so I like, and I find I'm more intelligent when I've had a couple of bottles of that.

• 53:26Speaker 01

  Oh, that's good.

• 53:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:28Speaker 01

  Two bottles, then what do you start talking about after two bottles of that?

• 53:32Speaker 02

  You don't want to know. But I think they're the, yeah, bollocks, I think, when you make the cheers.

• 53:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I, it cheers me up.

• 53:42Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 53:43Speaker 02

  Yeah. Paul Whitehouse likes Montreux Chez, as he calls it. And if I go to a restaurant and see it there, I think, oh, Montreux Chez. And then it always says £380 a bottle or something.

• 53:56Speaker 01

  Whitehouse is splashing the cash out there.

• 53:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, he can do that. He's seen the fault to do that because he goes fishing with Bob.

• 54:03Speaker 01

  It's the second time you've made out like you've not got any cash, Harry.

• 54:07Speaker 02

  No, I've got no cash.

• 54:08Speaker 01

  I don't believe that.

• 54:09Speaker 02

  How much am I getting paid to do this? I can tell you. Fuck.

• 54:16Speaker 02

  You're making a fortune, Harry.

• 54:18Speaker 01

  We are.

• 54:18Speaker 02

  They make a fucking, they're like Kevin and Perry, aren't they?

• 54:21Speaker 01

  We are like Kevin and Perry.

• 54:22Speaker 00

  We're like Kevin and Perry, yeah.

• 54:23Speaker 01

  If two people started doing James and Ed, going around doing off-menu, we would take them.

• 54:26Speaker 00

  We would sue them to hell.

• 54:28Speaker 02

  You could be, because you've got a touch of the old jeans, haven't you?

• 54:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

• 54:33Speaker 00

  You could be Kevin and Perry.

• 54:34Speaker 02

  You could be Perry.

• 54:35Speaker 01

  I could be Perry. Easy, yeah, yeah.

• 54:37Speaker 02

  You've got lovely sort of optimistic eyes, like Perry.

• 54:39Speaker 01

  I do, yeah, yeah.

• 54:41Speaker 02

  And you're a ginger, so there you go.

• 54:44Speaker 02

  Put your hat on the other way.

• 54:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, sorry.

• 54:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, there you go.

• 54:48Speaker 01

  Miss Patterson? Well, actually, no. He would just say Miss Patterson.

• 54:51Speaker 00

  That's my line now.

• 54:52Speaker 01

  That's his mum.

• 54:52Speaker 00

  You fucking ripped my line off now.

• 54:53Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah, well, my dad wouldn't let me watch Kevin and Perry's sketches, so.

• 54:56Speaker 02

  No, no, sorry.

• 54:58Speaker 00

  Well, before you arrived, Harry, I was just talking to James about, I think, regularly about when Perry has been to Manchester.

• 55:05Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 55:05Speaker 00

  That is one of the.

• 55:07Speaker 02

  That was on recently because of Oasis.

• 55:08Speaker 00

  Because of Oasis, that went round a lot, didn't it?

• 55:10Speaker 02

  It's going, see, I'm not on social media, so people have to tell me.

• 55:15Speaker 00

  Yeah, it went, it went around again because of, because of that, saying all the people showing up to Oasis gigs, like, they really know who they are and stuff. It was great. It was really good.

• 55:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, that was sort of based on me, really, that skates.

• 55:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:27Speaker 02

  When I was about fifteen and I, you know, went to see The Clash, got to talk to them back, you know, who, I, you like Joe Strummer? Yeah, I know.

• 55:38Speaker 02

  And, you know, I came back, I wanted to talk like that and never wanted a proper job.

• 55:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:42Speaker 02

  You don't want no boring job, no. I don't want a boring job. And it turned out, I never got a boring job.

• 55:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 55:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:48Speaker 02

  Except for today.

• 55:50Speaker 01

  Oh, he's got us.

• 55:53Speaker 02

  Uh.

• 55:54Speaker 01

  Felt good to be got, though.

• 55:55Speaker 00

  Yeah, it felt good, felt good.

• 55:57Speaker 01

  Um, favourite Clash song? You got a favourite Clash song or album?

• 56:00Speaker 02

  First album.

• 56:01Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:01Speaker 02

  Definitely.

• 56:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 56:03Speaker 02

  Because that was formative for me, that sort of punk, right? Oh, my God, this is brilliant. I know every word of every song.

• 56:11Speaker 01

  Oh, nice. Yeah, well, that playing in the restaurant, though, no music.

• 56:15Speaker 02

  I don't want any music in the restaurant.

• 56:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, even the Clash, even the first Clash album.

• 56:18Speaker 02

  Well, there's, no, uh, yeah. He's lovely, he's rocking a roll, he's lovely, James Jones war, he's lovely, guest on war, either one, no boring job, no. I don't think so, in my opinion.

• 56:32Speaker 00

  But also.

• 56:32Speaker 02

  They have to do, you know, you got a family, you. Are you really kind? Maybe I really care about you.

• 56:41Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 56:42Speaker 02

  No.

• 56:42Speaker 00

  You know every word, you've not said one word yet.

• 56:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, so that was, yeah, you, you, no.

• 56:48Speaker 02

  You're just square.

• 56:49Speaker 01

  I'm square, I'm square, I'm so sorry.

• 56:51Speaker 02

  Because you're square, because you're not a punk.

• 56:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's true, that's true, I'm not a punk.

• 56:55Speaker 02

  It was great being punk. You see, when you're fifteen and a virgin and angry.

• 56:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 57:00Speaker 02

  You know.

• 57:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, the best.

• 57:01Speaker 02

  And, you know, songs come out like GLC by Menace. Do you know how that goes?

• 57:07Speaker 01

  No, I don't.

• 57:08Speaker 02

  TLC TLC TLC TLC. You're full of shit shit shit shit shit shit. What's your name? What's your game? Master bait magistrate. That was basically it. TLC by Menace.

• 57:21Speaker 00

  You're in heaven. You're in heaven when that came out.

• 57:23Speaker 02

  Because, you know, before that was all you see on the dark side of the moon. And all this stuff.

• 57:29Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 57:30Speaker 02

  Suddenly you go, you're full of shit shit shit.

• 57:33Speaker 00

  Great.

• 57:33Speaker 02

  Great.

• 57:36Speaker 01

  We arrive at your dream dessert.

• 57:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, and there's no music.

• 57:39Speaker 00

  Is there?

• 57:39Speaker 01

  No music.

• 57:40Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, dream desserts.

• 57:42Speaker 00

  So silently we bring a dessert.

• 57:43Speaker 02

  Are there any men's desserts? You know, this kind of apple.

• 57:47Speaker 00

  What are you talking about?

• 57:49Speaker 02

  I'm talking about this apple Charlotte Eve's pudding.

• 57:52Speaker 00

  Oh, I get you.

• 57:53Speaker 02

  Do you know what I mean?

• 57:54Speaker 00

  With a male name in it.

• 57:55Speaker 02

  Victoria sponge.

• 57:56Speaker 00

  Spotted dick.

• 57:57Speaker 01

  Spotted dick.

• 57:58Speaker 02

  Spotted dick. Excellent.

• 57:59Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:00Speaker 02

  Excellent. Spotted dick. I'd like spotted dick.

• 58:03Speaker 00

  Cause you're a man.

• 58:03Speaker 01

  Well.

• 58:04Speaker 02

  Well, I've just had.

• 58:05Speaker 00

  Perfect man. You just had Coco Van.

• 58:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:07Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:08Speaker 02

  The truffle jizz.

• 58:09Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:09Speaker 02

  Juice, jus.

• 58:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:11Speaker 02

  And now I'd like spotted dick, please.

• 58:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:13Speaker 02

  I love spotted dick. You never, I mean, I'm gonna be quite full by now, cause I've had truffle pasta. And I've eaten all the focaccia. They brought a big plate of it. I thought I'd just have a little bite. I've eaten a lot.

• 58:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:26Speaker 01

  And you had the oysters, which are an aphrodisiac. So there's a chance that the pig's dick's gonna be bonerific.

• 58:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 58:32Speaker 02

  I am gonna be.

• 58:33Speaker 01

  Fully boned.

• 58:34Speaker 02

  I'll tell you, I'm gonna go home, darling. I'm gonna be like that.

• 58:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 58:38Speaker 02

  Look at my fat thumb.

• 58:40Speaker 00

  And then Kevin and Perry walk out of the wardrobe.

• 58:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 58:45Speaker 02

  We got here first.

• 58:47Speaker 00

  I think that the oysters only work as an aphrodisiac if you don't then eat focaccia, pasta, pig's dick and spotted dick.

• 58:54Speaker 02

  I've never, I have found that to be the case.

• 58:56Speaker 00

  Yes, yeah, yeah. You've got to leave it at the oysters and not then carry on eating.

• 59:00Speaker 02

  Yes, that is the case indeed.

• 59:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:03Speaker 02

  Indeed. So I'm having spotted dick, apparently.

• 59:06Speaker 00

  Lovely.

• 59:07Speaker 01

  With some custard.

• 59:08Speaker 02

  Well, I mean, what I'd really like is a Drew Bub crumble.

• 59:12Speaker 00

  Oh, lovely.

• 59:13Speaker 02

  Crumble Malcolm.

• 59:14Speaker 00

  Malcolm.

• 59:15Speaker 02

  Well, I just got yeah, mentioning.

• 59:17Speaker 00

  Of course.

• 59:18Speaker 02

  With Colin Custard.

• 59:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:20Speaker 02

  Ah, that would be good, wouldn't it?

• 59:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:22Speaker 02

  Rhubarb, crumble, Malcolm with a Colin Custard.

• 59:26Speaker 00

  Well, this is the dream, this is the dream restaurant.

• 59:28Speaker 02

  Colin Custard, because in a posh restaurant, they don't just say Colin Custard, do they? They say with a Colin Custard, A.

• 59:35Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's got to be A, yeah.

• 59:36Speaker 02

  Just that, yeah, just put that.

• 59:38Speaker 00

  It does make it feel fancy, but I don't know why.

• 59:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know, and you pay an extra ten quid for that, ah.

• 59:43Speaker 00

  And they come and pointed it with their little finger just to show you where everything is, yeah.

• 59:46Speaker 02

  There it is, you see, a Colin Custard on the side.

• 59:50Speaker 00

  Rhubarb, crumble, Malcolm.

• 59:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, and some James Just on there.

• 59:54Speaker 00

  Oh, oh, thank you. Um, I, I think we can, you know, this is the dream restaurant, so I think we can bring you a

• 59:59Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:00:00Speaker 00

  A rhubarb, crumble, Malcolm.

• 1:00:01Speaker 02

  Yeah. Thank you.

• 1:00:03Speaker 00

  It's a particular Malcolm you're thinking of?

• 1:00:05Speaker 02

  No, no, you know, I just like the name, don't you?

• 1:00:09Speaker 00

  You don't see it around much anymore, there's no new Malcolms being made up.

• 1:00:13Speaker 02

  Or Clives.

• 1:00:13Speaker 00

  Or Clives, I'm sure everything comes back round, right, but.

• 1:00:17Speaker 02

  When is Jane coming back?

• 1:00:19Speaker 00

  I think Jane's, is, is Jane not back already? No one's been called Jane now. Really? No way.

• 1:00:24Speaker 02

  Or Susan.

• 1:00:24Speaker 00

  Or Susan, because these are like, and they're the first names I think of if someone says, think of a lady's name.

• 1:00:29Speaker 02

  What's your mum called?

• 1:00:31Speaker 00

  Anne.

• 1:00:32Speaker 02

  Yes, you see, or Anne.

• 1:00:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:33Speaker 02

  Yeah. My sister, who's called Susan, had a friend called Anne.

• 1:00:37Speaker 00

  There you go, you know, it was the big, big back in the day.

• 1:00:39Speaker 02

  What's your mum called?

• 1:00:40Speaker 00

  Di.

• 1:00:41Speaker 02

  Di, you see, you don't get young Diana's, do you? You don't get young Diana's.

• 1:00:46Speaker 00

  No, you don't.

• 1:00:47Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:00:47Speaker 00

  No, no, no.

• 1:00:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, Di, Princess Lady Di.

• 1:00:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:51Speaker 02

  It's your mum, isn't it? That's why you're a ginger.

• 1:00:53Speaker 00

  Queen of Hearts.

• 1:00:54Speaker 02

  Harry, ain't he?

• 1:00:55Speaker 00

  The Queen of Hearts, my mum.

• 1:00:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, my son is.

• 1:00:59Speaker 00

  Yes, so you're allowed to say it.

• 1:01:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:03Speaker 02

  When he was growing up, I used to, I had a little rhyme, I can't quite remember, it was something like, some people, some children scream, some children whinge, but the children that no one likes are ginger.

• 1:01:17Speaker 00

  To your kid. To your kid, to your son.

• 1:01:19Speaker 01

  And you like you liked that, enjoyed that from his dad?

• 1:01:23Speaker 02

  He just go, so you know.

• 1:01:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, and he'd be like, ah, Kevin.

• 1:01:28Speaker 02

  But you will find, neither of you have children, do you?

• 1:01:31Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:01:32Speaker 02

  You will find that, you know, man love is difficult. I mean, maybe your generation, but my dad, you know, I think about three times in his life, he sort of went like that.

• 1:01:42Speaker 01

  Yes, sure.

• 1:01:43Speaker 02

  And, you know, these days he sort of, how do you do man love? You know, you give him a hug, because you give everyone a hug these days, don't you? Mainly I show my love by taking the piss out of them. And they do it back to me. So I know that they're cross with me. I've done something wrong if they're not taking the piss.

• 1:02:01Speaker 01

  What what are the piss-taking things they say about you? How do they get you?

• 1:02:05Speaker 02

  Just look. I mean, look at it. So lots of time I went to a restaurant with Archie. He hadn't arrived yet, my son. And then my phone goes like that and it's a picture of my bald head. So he's taking it through the window.

• 1:02:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:21Speaker 02

  You know, it's that.

• 1:02:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:22Speaker 02

  It's it's nice, but that is man love to me.

• 1:02:25Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:26Speaker 02

  In the English way, going, I love you is just too American. I never do that.

• 1:02:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, did Joe used to say that when you were kids?

• 1:02:33Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:02:34Speaker 01

  Would Joe say to his parents, I love you mum and dad?

• 1:02:36Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 1:02:37Speaker 01

  So we love you, Joe. I would do. Help yourself to some sweet.

• 1:02:39Speaker 02

  And it wasn't mum, it was it was muff. They call it muff. Yes. Best snack cupboard and best smelling everything.

• 1:02:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:47Speaker 02

  Kitchen.

• 1:02:47Speaker 01

  Warm house.

• 1:02:47Speaker 02

  And two tellys.

• 1:02:50Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:02:51Speaker 02

  Neither of them were black and white. They were both colour.

• 1:02:54Speaker 01

  Joe.

• 1:02:54Speaker 02

  And you were allowed them on.

• 1:02:56Speaker 01

  Wow.

• 1:02:57Speaker 02

  Right, rather than half an hour, you know, like your dad, you can't watch Harry and Bill.

• 1:03:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:03Speaker 02

  It's nine o'clock, you wicked boy. You know, he's awful and I don't know why we pay our licence fee for him.

• 1:03:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:11Speaker 02

  Yes, go to bed or.

• 1:03:12Speaker 01

  Exactly, exactly what your dad said, right?

• 1:03:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:15Speaker 01

  He sounds exactly like that.

• 1:03:16Speaker 02

  No, my dad was loving it. He was watching it himself. He would watch it on his own.

• 1:03:20Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:21Speaker 02

  And then say you can watch this bit.

• 1:03:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:24Speaker 02

  I love that.

• 1:03:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, that was.

• 1:03:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:26Speaker 01

  And I had to style that out at school.

• 1:03:28Speaker 02

  I'm sorry, if I had a video cassette of it, I'd give you one, but I don't anymore.

• 1:03:33Speaker 00

  I think I've still got a video cassette at.

• 1:03:35Speaker 02

  Have you?

• 1:03:35Speaker 00

  At my mum's house, yeah.

• 1:03:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:38Speaker 00

  With all the Harry and Lulu sketches on. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:41Speaker 01

  He loves Harry and Lulu.

• 1:03:41Speaker 00

  I love Harry and Lulu.

• 1:03:42Speaker 02

  Really?

• 1:03:43Speaker 00

  So violent.

• 1:03:44Speaker 02

  But how old were you then?

• 1:03:45Speaker 00

  Well, when that series came out.

• 1:03:47Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:03:48Speaker 00

  When was that, like late nineties?

• 1:03:49Speaker 02

  Nine, yeah.

• 1:03:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, I probably was, yeah.

• 1:03:53Speaker 02

  The kind of one that really took off out of that was Teddy Tubby's.

• 1:03:57Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 1:03:57Speaker 02

  Cause we did a sketch very early on called English for Aliens. And we all dressed up in these big fat things, but with glasses on. And it was like words, like tea. And the word is tree. Tree.

• 1:04:13Speaker 02

  No, tree.

• 1:04:16Speaker 02

  And then I think Charlie Higson. Tea. And then we'd all go, tea, tea, tea, tea.

• 1:04:23Speaker 02

  And people used to tell me after that, I said, my, my kids, my little two year old, my little toddler. They just love watching that. They want to watch that all the time.

• 1:04:34Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:04:34Speaker 02

  Three years later, Teddy Tubby's came out.

• 1:04:37Speaker 01

  Ah.

• 1:04:38Speaker 02

  And it's exactly the same, literally exactly the same.

• 1:04:41Speaker 00

  Wow, this is.

• 1:04:41Speaker 02

  Same aerials on the heads.

• 1:04:43Speaker 00

  This is gonna happen with Here to Eat as well, so.

• 1:04:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, that's it. You see, I'm a, I'm a trailblazer.

• 1:04:49Speaker 00

  You are, yeah, yeah.

• 1:04:50Speaker 02

  Having said that, that wasn't my idea, English for Aliens. It was Charlie's, I think.

• 1:04:54Speaker 01

  Oh, which is why, I mean, famously Charlie Higson gives himself the most amount of dialogue when he writes a sketch.

• 1:05:01Speaker 02

  Does he?

• 1:05:02Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:05:03Speaker 02

  Well, I think that is.

• 1:05:04Speaker 01

  So then he gives himself the word, the one word in it.

• 1:05:06Speaker 02

  A reaction to my show, cause when we did our show together, I wouldn't let him be in anything.

• 1:05:12Speaker 01

  Right, okay.

• 1:05:13Speaker 02

  I said, Charlie, you're shit. I said, Paul, you can do it. No, Charlie, you're shit. You can't do it. So he's like, Paul, can we do our own show and can I be in it? And Paul's going, yeah.

• 1:05:23Speaker 01

  But I need very quick, I need very quick sketches.

• 1:05:25Speaker 02

  Everyone, everyone, you know, Harry won't let us do like, oh, suits you, sir. Can we do them on the show?

• 1:05:33Speaker 01

  Worked out.

• 1:05:34Speaker 02

  Worked out really well.

• 1:05:35Speaker 01

  Worked out pretty well. Yeah, yeah. And yeah, every, every, every sketch that Charlie Higginson's written is like a monologue by him.

• 1:05:42Speaker 02

  Yes, the black, the black.

• 1:05:43Speaker 01

  And then someone else, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, all those things where it's like, I mean, they're really funny. But once it's pointed out to you, you go, oh, yeah. Every single Charlie Higginson sketch is a Charlie Higginson monologue.

• 1:05:56Speaker 01

  And I read your menu back to you now.

• 1:05:57Speaker 02

  I loved him. What's he called? Bob Fleming?

• 1:06:00Speaker 01

  Bob Fleming, brilliant, staring at his throat all the time.

• 1:06:03Speaker 02

  And Ted, you know, Ted and Ralph, sorry. I was so wrong about Charlie.

• 1:06:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:08Speaker 02

  So wrong.

• 1:06:09Speaker 01

  He, he did you.

• 1:06:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:11Speaker 01

  But then maybe, you know, maybe without your tough man love.

• 1:06:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:15Speaker 01

  He wouldn't have become what he became.

• 1:06:17Speaker 02

  Yes, yeah, he would have been still a failed, well, not failed, semi-successful pop star.

• 1:06:24Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:06:24Speaker 02

  Which he was. I bought his single when it first came out. It was Record of the Week, his first single.

• 1:06:28Speaker 01

  Oh, wow. Do I sing that as well? Do I sing that one?

• 1:06:32Speaker 02

  Do you mind?

• 1:06:32Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:33Speaker 02

  Who, ha, biddy biddy, who, ha, ho, do, do, I don't, wait, live with monkeys, I don't, wait, live with men. I don't, wait, live with anybody, I don't, wait, live on the moon. Ha, biddy biddy.

• 1:06:46Speaker 01

  You can remember all the words to that as well. That's amazing.

• 1:06:49Speaker 02

  It was like before, it, it was funk meets punk.

• 1:06:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I love it.

• 1:06:54Speaker 02

  Right, before trouble funk and all that.

• 1:06:56Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:56Speaker 02

  They were doing like little funky sort of things. Yeah, and their first record got Record of the Week and after that, every record they had out was just panned.

• 1:07:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:07:08Speaker 02

  I don't know why. They were just like, I don't know what happened there. But I actually drove them to their gigs in the early days when I was doing a double act with my friend Brian. To earn a bit of money, I would say driver, we went to Aberystwyth University, drive the van for them. Yeah, I was a roadie. Yeah.

• 1:07:25Speaker 01

  And what was that first single called? What was the band called?

• 1:07:27Speaker 02

  I Don't Want to Live With Monkeys by The Higsons.

• 1:07:31Speaker 01

  Great.

• 1:07:31Speaker 02

  If you look it up.

• 1:07:32Speaker 01

  Get that immediately.

• 1:07:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, you can look it up on the, on the Spotify and you will see it.

• 1:07:38Speaker 01

  It's there. Wow. That's exciting. I didn't know that existed.

• 1:07:41Speaker 02

  Well, you don't know much then, do you?

• 1:07:45Speaker 01

  Uh, Reginald Man, you're back now. Tell me what you think of it. You would like fizzy water. You would like focaccia with olive oil and salt. You want six oysters, including rock and Lindisfarne with Tabasco. You want truffle pasta. You want a pig's cocker van. You would like hotter broccoli with chili, cabbage and triple cooked chips on the side. Drink a bottle of Shabli. And dessert, rhubarb crumble Malcolm with a Colin custard.

• 1:08:11Speaker 02

  Thank you very much.

• 1:08:12Speaker 01

  Perfect. How's that sound?

• 1:08:13Speaker 02

  That sounds good.

• 1:08:15Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:16Speaker 02

  What about coffee? Or don't we do that?

• 1:08:18Speaker 01

  Oh, you can have a coffee after. What, what, what kind of coffee do you like?

• 1:08:21Speaker 02

  I like a double espresso decaf if it's the evening. Otherwise I don't sleep.

• 1:08:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, we can, we can bring that over. I mean, because it's a dream restaurant.

• 1:08:28Speaker 02

  And what about, um, you know, patty fours?

• 1:08:31Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:08:31Speaker 00

  You can have some patty fours.

• 1:08:33Speaker 01

  What are your favourite types of patty fours?

• 1:08:35Speaker 02

  Uh, what, I, I like one chocolate and one jelly.

• 1:08:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:08:39Speaker 02

  One jelly one.

• 1:08:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:41Speaker 00

  We'll bring you one chocolate and one jelly.

• 1:08:43Speaker 02

  Of patty fours. Would you like a patty one? I've brought you something.

• 1:08:46Speaker 00

  You've brought, this is an envelope that's been, that's been on the table for the whole thing.

• 1:08:51Speaker 01

  Okay, yes. Okay.

• 1:08:53Speaker 02

  There.

• 1:08:54Speaker 01

  There we go.

• 1:08:54Speaker 00

  What's it say for? For Ed and James, happy twentieth of March. But it's not the twentieth of March, remember?

• 1:08:59Speaker 02

  No. Yeah, sorry, do it again.

• 1:09:02Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 1:09:03Speaker 02

  At home of November.

• 1:09:06Speaker 00

  For Ed and James, happy.

• 1:09:08Speaker 02

  Of October.

• 1:09:09Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 1:09:12Speaker 01

  Opening the envelope. So there's a patty one in here.

• 1:09:14Speaker 00

  There's a patty one in here. We're gonna share this, James.

• 1:09:18Speaker 01

  Oh, look at that.

• 1:09:18Speaker 00

  Oh, wow.

• 1:09:19Speaker 01

  It's a chocolate lolly that says Harry Enfield on it.

• 1:09:22Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:09:24Speaker 00

  I love this.

• 1:09:25Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:09:25Speaker 00

  Thank you, Harry.

• 1:09:26Speaker 02

  I, I played the Redding Hexagon.

• 1:09:29Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:09:29Speaker 02

  And that was in my dressing room.

• 1:09:31Speaker 00

  Oh, okay. Right, so, cause initially I thought you'd been somewhere and had a chocolate message lollipop made with just simply your own name on it. Yeah.

• 1:09:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's the kind of thing I'd do.

• 1:09:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:09:42Speaker 02

  But it was in there and I thought, wouldn't it be nice? Because if you share it, you can both say you've eaten Harry Enfield.

• 1:09:48Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:09:49Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:09:50Speaker 00

  Do you want the Harry or the Enfield?

• 1:09:51Speaker 01

  The cannibalism.

• 1:09:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:09:53Speaker 02

  A bit of cannibalism.

• 1:09:54Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 1:09:55Speaker 02

  And also it's got a little sexual sort of nuance to it, hasn't it?

• 1:09:59Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 1:09:59Speaker 00

  Many things do.

• 1:10:00Speaker 02

  Oh, yes. So whoever your next guest is, have you ever eaten Harry Enfield?

• 1:10:05Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:10:05Speaker 00

  There we go.

• 1:10:06Speaker 02

  Do you like it?

• 1:10:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:10:07Speaker 00

  I love it.

• 1:10:08Speaker 01

  I was gonna go this way.

• 1:10:09Speaker 00

  I love that the Reading Hexagon just left you a lolly with your own name on it.

• 1:10:12Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:10:12Speaker 00

  It's sweet, isn't it?

• 1:10:13Speaker 02

  Isn't it sweet? Yeah.

• 1:10:14Speaker 01

  There you go. I'll give you the stick.

• 1:10:15Speaker 00

  Thank you. I'll tell.

• 1:10:16Speaker 02

  Have you played the Reading Hexagon?

• 1:10:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've played the Reading Hexagon a few times actually, and they have never left me a chocolate lolly with my name on it.

• 1:10:22Speaker 02

  Really?

• 1:10:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:23Speaker 01

  I did it once supporting Milton Jones and afterwards an audience member hated my set so much because they went to see Milton. So and I was just the support act. They were annoyed they were support act. So they went on my Wikipedia and they altered my Wikipedia to say that my performance at the Reading Hexagon was so abysmal that afterwards I was confronted about the poor quality of my comedy and I burst into tears. That's what they wrote on there.

• 1:10:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:48Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:48Speaker 02

  And was it true?

• 1:10:49Speaker 01

  I don't think so. I don't remember it.

• 1:10:51Speaker 02

  Oh, but you've remembered that.

• 1:10:53Speaker 01

  I remember that because it was a, it was that my dad at the time used to, um.

• 1:10:57Speaker 02

  Your dad at the time, you got new one?

• 1:11:00Speaker 01

  Yeah. He used to monitor my Wikipedia.

• 1:11:02Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11:03Speaker 01

  I didn't ask him to, but he would do it. He'd go, now, James, someone's put this. Just checking if it's true or not. Because if it's not, I'll take it down. It's like, Dad, if it is true, I, I hope you would take it down.

• 1:11:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11:12Speaker 01

  But, um, he was like, no, just if it's, if it's not true, I'll take it down if it's factually inaccurate. So did you cry or not?

• 1:11:18Speaker 02

  I wonder who that was?

• 1:11:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:20Speaker 00

  Milton.

• 1:11:21Speaker 02

  Good old dad at the time.

• 1:11:23Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:11:23Speaker 00

  Yeah. Lovely dad at the time.

• 1:11:25Speaker 02

  I've only met Milton Jones once and Paul and I, we were on tour and there was Milton Jones and one other of those young comedians, as I could use, young people.

• 1:11:35Speaker 01

  Young Milton?

• 1:11:35Speaker 02

  We were staying in the same hotel as, um.

• 1:11:40Speaker 02

  Uh as them in Manchester and then we're chatting away and then. You know, they're over there and we just go, you're right, like that, you know, who are they? But I knew who Milton Jones was, very funny. I went, hello. Paul and I went over there, had a bit of a drink and then suddenly his voice goes, Harry, turn around, it's Nigel Farage.

• 1:12:01Speaker 00

  Oh my god.

• 1:12:02Speaker 02

  So, oh Nigel, hello, what are you doing here? Well, he'd done a sketch with us, you see.

• 1:12:08Speaker 00

  When was this?

• 1:12:10Speaker 02

  About fifteen years ago, when he was a joke.

• 1:12:13Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:12:13Speaker 02

  Really, uh we did a sketch where we're trying to be more like Ricky Gervais so we can be more successful.

• 1:12:19Speaker 00

  Right, okay.

• 1:12:20Speaker 02

  So it's about the time of extras.

• 1:12:21Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:12:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, so we're talking like that, yeah, oh, and then we have an A-list celebrity come around and. Yeah, it's my house, they go, A-list celebrity, yeah, come here, yeah, Harry's A-list celebrity mate and it's Nigel Farage. And he comes in and, you know, the joke is, it's not David Bowie.

• 1:12:39Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:12:40Speaker 02

  You know, it's, it's this joke figure. Well, then, of course, it all kicked off. He was a joke.

• 1:12:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:12:47Speaker 02

  You know, and suddenly it's like, oh my god. So there we are in this bar. You know, having a little drink and there's Nigel Farage. He was very nice when he came to us. He didn't ask, you know, didn't even ask for a sandwich, anything. He just came and did it, very professional photo. And so, of course, I had to get him a drink, you know, I could not get him a drink. You could see Milton Jones, his mate, like, looking.

• 1:13:11Speaker 02

  So I like necked my drink, said, oh, I've got to go to bed, you know, bye bye, leave Paul there with him. Well.

• 1:13:17Speaker 00

  Just fuck off straight away, that's so funny.

• 1:13:20Speaker 02

  And then, of course, Milton Jones and his mate, they came over and sat up half the night with him.

• 1:13:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:25Speaker 02

  Drinking with him, these young comedians.

• 1:13:28Speaker 00

  I have heard that story from Milton.

• 1:13:30Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 1:13:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, I saw Milton pretty soon after that. It was like, guess what happened the other day? Harry, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant and thank you so much for our Harry Enfield lollipop.

• 1:13:43Speaker 02

  Thank you. Do you eat? Oh, you can't.

• 1:13:45Speaker 00

  I will, I'll just, I'll induct in a second, I'll, yeah, I'll just need to give some insulin.

• 1:13:49Speaker 02

  You've got Harry Enfield, Har Enfield.

• 1:13:51Speaker 00

  I've got Har Enfield.

• 1:13:52Speaker 02

  Har Enfield, James, thank you for eating my chocolate with such a plumb.

• 1:13:56Speaker 01

  It's straight away.

• 1:13:57Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:13:58Speaker 00

  He does that.

• 1:13:59Speaker 02

  You really do.

• 1:13:59Speaker 01

  Riled.

• 1:14:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:14:01Speaker 02

  Like a teenager. Exactly like a teenager, young forever. But with Cathy, she really understood the teenage mindset. If we had a meal scene, she'd always just go.

• 1:14:13Speaker 02

  Fucking everything really quickly, like, this is not a time where you have a conversation. Just eat that desperation, it was like that.

• 1:14:21Speaker 01

  I'll tell you what, the, I mean, before we go, what, your secret ingredient for this episode was a lolly.

• 1:14:31Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:14:32Speaker 01

  A fab lolly.

• 1:14:33Speaker 02

  A lion's made fab.

• 1:14:35Speaker 01

  A fab, of course, because you.

• 1:14:37Speaker 02

  I did an advert with Paul.

• 1:14:38Speaker 01

  You love.

• 1:14:39Speaker 02

  They're lollipop-tastic.

• 1:14:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:42Speaker 02

  But they're not even called lion's made anymore.

• 1:14:44Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:14:45Speaker 02

  They're called, I don't know, Nestle or something.

• 1:14:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, but that, everyone loved those adverts, you were smashing it nicely.

• 1:14:50Speaker 02

  So I needed to say lion's made fab, didn't I?

• 1:14:54Speaker 00

  Yeah, if you said fab lolly.

• 1:14:55Speaker 01

  You said fab lolly with a chuckle.

• 1:14:56Speaker 00

  But this was not on your dream menu, this was a gift for us and it's not a fab lolly.

• 1:14:59Speaker 01

  This reminded me that we were gonna get you with a lolly, if you said a fab.

• 1:15:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, we'll kick you out.

• 1:15:05Speaker 02

  I didn't say anything was fab.

• 1:15:07Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no, no.

• 1:15:09Speaker 02

  Thank God for that.

• 1:15:09Speaker 00

  Said cock-a-lot.

• 1:15:11Speaker 02

  God, I.

• 1:15:12Speaker 00

  Thank you so much, Harry.

• 1:15:14Speaker 02

  Thank you very much.

• 1:15:14Speaker 01

  Thank you, thank you, Harry.

• 1:15:15Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:15:21Speaker 00

  Well, there we are, what a delight to meet Harry Enfield, James.

• 1:15:24Speaker 01

  Brilliant stuff, lovely menu.

• 1:15:26Speaker 00

  Lovely menu, great guy.

• 1:15:28Speaker 01

  Great guy, and he gave us a little petty four at the end.

• 1:15:31Speaker 00

  He did, he gave us a chocolate lolly, I left my half until after I'd had my lunch and then James had it.

• 1:15:37Speaker 01

  Yep, I had the whole chocolate lolly.

• 1:15:38Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:15:39Speaker 01

  I liked it.

• 1:15:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:15:41Speaker 01

  It was good, yeah, and thanks to Reading Hexagon.

• 1:15:44Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've got to say, Reading Hexagon, step your game up, I think I'll be on there on my tour Fresh Hell next year, tickets on sale now at gambol.co.uk. I'd like a chocolate lolly, Reading Hexagon, but I want Harry Enfield written on mine.

• 1:15:56Speaker 01

  Yes. Didn't say fad lolly, so we didn't kick him out.

• 1:15:59Speaker 00

  No, exactly. We didn't kick him out.

• 1:16:01Speaker 01

  Um, I, I, I told him I fessed up then.

• 1:16:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:16:04Speaker 01

  It was a secret ingredient.

• 1:16:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was. It was already the end of the episode. I think that's fine.

• 1:16:08Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's fine.

• 1:16:09Speaker 00

  Yeah. Make sure you go and see Harry Enfield and No Chums on tour. Fane.co.uk for tickets. Oh, and we got sent something. Woo. The good people at drum roll. Kerrygold. Uh. Pretty cool.

• 1:16:21Speaker 01

  This is, um, since series one, Kerrygold has been getting shout outs on the pod. It's always meant a lot to us, Kerrygold. And, uh, we're very excited genuinely that they've reached out and sent these to us.

• 1:16:33Speaker 00

  This is from Kerrygold and All Day Goods.

• 1:16:35Speaker 01

  Okay.

• 1:16:36Speaker 00

  And there's stickers in here.

• 1:16:38Speaker 01

  Got some butter stickers, which, uh, I was gonna be like, I don't need these, but my partner is going through a massive sticker phase and she absolutely loves this kind of shit. So.

• 1:16:48Speaker 00

  James's partner is of age, by the way. Um.

• 1:16:51Speaker 01

  Yeah, just so you know.

• 1:16:54Speaker 00

  I just think you need to be careful with phrases like sticker phase.

• 1:16:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:16:57Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:16:57Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. That was, I was poor.

• 1:16:59Speaker 00

  Cause my wife loves stickers and stuff as well.

• 1:17:02Speaker 01

  But poor wording.

• 1:17:03Speaker 00

  Sticker phases.

• 1:17:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, saying she's going through a phase and it's.

• 1:17:06Speaker 00

  Yeah. This is a gorgeous butter knife and I can say that now I'm 40.

• 1:17:10Speaker 01

  The weight of it.

• 1:17:11Speaker 00

  It's a good weight. It's a beautiful marbling effect on the handle.

• 1:17:14Speaker 01

  The shape of it. I mean, look, I, I, I know a lot of you might be thinking, oh, they do unboxing things now and they're doing like paid promo. We're not.

• 1:17:20Speaker 00

  We're not. We just got sent these.

• 1:17:21Speaker 01

  Genuinely been sent this and we're quite excited about it. And this is our genuine reaction, which is that we like the weight and the shape of it.

• 1:17:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, and the marble effect.

• 1:17:29Speaker 01

  It's a genuine special moment in our lives now that we've been given these.

• 1:17:32Speaker 00

  Thanks to All Day Goods and to Kerrygold for sending the, uh, butter knife. This is edgy, this pod, isn't it?

• 1:17:39Speaker 01

  It's pretty edgy pod.

• 1:17:40Speaker 00

  Pod. Thanks for the butter knives. And they're quite amusing, James. It says best before where you would normally have on a bit of butter. It says best before breakfast, lunch and dinner.

• 1:17:47Speaker 01

  That's good.

• 1:17:48Speaker 00

  That's good.

• 1:17:48Speaker 01

  That is good stuff.

• 1:17:50Speaker 00

  Cheers.

• 1:17:51Speaker 01

  Cheers.