Nikesh Patel

Actor, ‘Starstruck’ star and fellow runaway on ‘Celebrity Hunted’ Nikesh Patel is this week’s guest diner. And James Acaster reveals when he very rude to Nikesh's wife, Nicola Thorp. Nikesh Patel is currently starring in ‘How to Get to Heaven from Belfast’ on Netflix. Watch it here https://www.netflix.com/gb/title/81758849. Follow Nikesh on Instagram @inikeshpatel https://www.instagram.com/inikeshpatel/?hl=en Watch the video version of this episode on the Off Menu YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast on Thu 26 Feb. Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:13Speaker 00

  Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, cooking the apples of conversation, adding the sugar of humour. Why are you laughing?

• 0:21Speaker 01

  Because there's a fizzy apple drink on the table.

• 0:23Speaker 00

  Apple crumble, is it?

• 0:24Speaker 01

  No, but I just think you've looked at them.

• 0:27Speaker 00

  Yeah, well, how else am I going to do it?

• 0:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 0:29Speaker 00

  We're on episode like hundreds and hundreds. Hundreds and thousands, that's a good one. Anyways, apple crumble.

• 0:37Speaker 01

  That is a gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant.

• 0:41Speaker 00

  You spoiled the surprise now.

• 0:42Speaker 01

  Every single week we invite a guest.

• 0:43Speaker 00

  We don't have an apple crumble on the table.

• 0:45Speaker 01

  And we ask for their favourite ever start, make or dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week our guest is Nikesh Patel.

• 0:52Speaker 00

  Nikesh Patel is a wonderful actor, James. He's been in many, many brilliant things.

• 0:56Speaker 01

  Starstruck.

• 0:57Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 0:58Speaker 01

  Wonderful series. And also, he was on the run against us in Hunted. Not as an actor, as himself.

• 1:05Speaker 00

  As himself. He was on the run, same series as us in Hunted. I'm sure that will come up.

• 1:10Speaker 01

  I should think so.

• 1:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:11Speaker 01

  I should think so. That was, we never got to see Nikesh because he was, he had Covid at the start.

• 1:17Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:17Speaker 01

  And so joined the game later, once he was, had got the all clear.

• 1:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:21Speaker 01

  And then we never saw him after that.

• 1:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:23Speaker 01

  So.

• 1:24Speaker 00

  Didn't see him after that. Barely saw him on the show, to be honest.

• 1:27Speaker 01

  Barely saw him on the show. No spoilers, but you know, it didn't get very far.

• 1:32Speaker 00

  I'm sure he's going to love that being brought up.

• 1:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's hope that he lasts longer on this show. We don't have to kick him out early if he chooses the secret ingredient, of course.

• 1:41Speaker 00

  Yes, because of course we have the little secret ingredients. And if they pick the secret ingredient, then it's bye bye now.

• 1:51Speaker 01

  This week, the secret ingredient is Hunter's Chicken. We're not letting them forget.

• 1:56Speaker 00

  No. Hunter's Chicken.

• 1:59Speaker 00

  They always used to have it in pubs, certainly when I was a student.

• 2:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:03Speaker 00

  Um, in the Hog's Head, we used to go to the Hog's Head in Durham regularly and eat dinner. And Hunter's Chicken, of course, uh, chicken breast.

• 2:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:11Speaker 00

  Uh, bacon, cheese, smothered in barbecue sauce.

• 2:14Speaker 02

  Smothered in barbecue sauce, so much of it, and it tastes disgusting.

• 2:19Speaker 00

  Yeah, don't like it, don't like barbecue sauce, really.

• 2:22Speaker 02

  Not, especially not in that volume.

• 2:24Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:25Speaker 02

  Uh, you were saying earlier, it's too sweet, the Hunter's Chicken, it's way too sweet, even for a sweet tooth such as myself.

• 2:31Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:31Speaker 02

  I remember first reading it on a menu, Hunter's Chicken, and thinking, that sounds delicious, I can't wait, I've hit the jackpot. One bite, was like, oh god, this is gonna be a slog, go get through this entire Hunter's Chicken.

• 2:40Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're having pudding at the same time, basically.

• 2:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, really did not like it. So actually, even though this just ties in with Hunted, we genuinely don't like this.

• 2:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:50Speaker 02

  As well, so.

• 2:50Speaker 00

  Cause Hunt- Hunted, Hunters.

• 2:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:52Speaker 00

  And Chicken, Nikesh was a Chicken on Hunted.

• 2:56Speaker 02

  Yes, we did it, we got him.

• 2:59Speaker 00

  Plenty to talk to Nikesh about, so I think we should just get on with it, Joe.

• 3:02Speaker 02

  Yes, please.

• 3:03Speaker 00

  This is the off-menu menu of Nikesh Patel.

• 3:13Speaker 00

  Welcome, Nikesh, to the Dream Restaurant.

• 3:15Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 3:16Speaker 00

  Welcome, Nikesh Patel, to the Dream Restaurant, we've been spending the sun time.

• 3:20Speaker 02

  Thank you. Um, I, um, before we kick off, actually, um, I've, I've, cause you've, you've been playing this character for a while now.

• 3:27Speaker 00

  Great.

• 3:28Speaker 02

  Um, I love it when a character comes in and you're like, oh my god. I'd like to interrogate your, your, your, your process when it comes to playing the genie, you know? Obviously a figure that's steeped in like Islamic folklore and mythology.

• 3:42Speaker 00

  Uh oh.

• 3:43Speaker 02

  Um, so what, like, I, I, you know, I've been, and I've been tracking what you've done with the genie over several episodes.

• 3:51Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:51Speaker 02

  Um, what, tell, tell me where you're at with, with the genie now.

• 3:55Speaker 00

  Guess, uh, you know, the longer you play a character, the more that the lines between you and the character can kind of blur a little bit.

• 4:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:02Speaker 00

  And there's some, some elements of the genie now that are way more like me in real life and some elements of my real life that are more like the genie, I guess.

• 4:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay, interesting. So, cause, yes, bold choice to go, I'm, I'm gonna be the genie and he's gonna, he's gonna sound like he's from Kettering.

• 4:18Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 4:18Speaker 02

  Yeah. Um, and a lot like me.

• 4:20Speaker 00

  Yeah. Do you feel like the? Adherence to the genie's Islamic background has come to the fore or fallen into the background.

• 4:29Speaker 01

  I think you can see it in certain episodes, it's more prominent.

• 4:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:33Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 4:33Speaker 02

  What about this episode, do you think? Well, we're preempting something.

• 4:38Speaker 01

  Well, you just did it, but like, you know, I guess I'm definitely feeling defensive of my background as a genie.

• 4:47Speaker 02

  Just, you know, just something to mull over. Look, I.

• 4:49Speaker 01

  It's not come up before, actually, and I appreciate you bringing it up.

• 4:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 4:56Speaker 02

  I mean, what is the, because this is a podcast, what does your, what does your genie look like?

• 5:01Speaker 01

  Me?

• 5:02Speaker 00

  Well, also, also, we would, we would put this on to you as the guest, because this is obviously the dream restaurant. So the restaurant can look like however you like it. But then also, it's the genie appears to you as you would want the genie to appear to you. So what, what features would you say James has as a genie?

• 5:19Speaker 02

  I think, having listened, thank you, James, to kind of unpacking your process for me. I think the genie looks very much like James with blue skin.

• 5:33Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 5:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's, it's, it's clearly a Disney, it's a Disney vibe.

• 5:37Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 5:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:38Speaker 01

  Pretty Disney, I think.

• 5:39Speaker 02

  Yeah. If you want to give yourself any, I would, I would actually shy away from giving yourself any facial hair or, you know, because then it would, then we're tiptoeing into like cultural appropriation. I think it's just, it's a blue you.

• 5:52Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 5:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 5:53Speaker 01

  And I can't really grow a moustache anyway. I tried to grow a moustache on the run when Ed and I did Hunted. Have you heard of that show?

• 5:59Speaker 02

  I have heard of that show. You know full well, I've heard of that show.

• 6:02Speaker 01

  I imagine you've watched more episodes than you've been in.

• 6:06Speaker 02

  Okay, here we go. Genie swinging back.

• 6:08Speaker 00

  Same series as us?

• 6:10Speaker 02

  Allegedly, yeah. We'd never met on Hunted, did we?

• 6:13Speaker 01

  No, you had, you had the Rona.

• 6:15Speaker 02

  I had the Rona, which when they did finally figure out how to get my ass into the game, until we eventually kind of reunited. And then we got caught.

• 6:26Speaker 01

  So you were isolating for most of it?

• 6:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 6:29Speaker 01

  And then you got caught immediately.

• 6:30Speaker 00

  So my favorite thing in the whole series is obviously you're like raring to go. You're like doing all these, doing all these pieces to camera being like,

• 6:37Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 6:38Speaker 00

  I, I'm gonna outfox the hunters.

• 6:40Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 6:40Speaker 00

  I'm gonna be the best person on the run ever. And then it cuts to you, you leave your flat, you go straight to the tube and use your bank card to get in.

• 6:46Speaker 02

  To my, in, in my defence, um, and it's a meager defence because that was a pretty dumb thing to do. But like, I, I, I feel like I got, I got slightly better as I progressed. Um, but also I was the only person who I think has had to start the game of hunted. Basically like waiting for a, waiting for a test to say that they're negative for the winner.

• 7:11Speaker 00

  I'm the only person who's had to start a game of hunted from your own.

• 7:13Speaker 02

  From my own flat.

• 7:14Speaker 00

  From your own flat.

• 7:14Speaker 02

  With all these rules.

• 7:15Speaker 00

  Where they know you live.

• 7:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. So like, hmm, I wonder, I wonder, yeah, she might get some backup. It's unusual that she's playing the game on her own. Who could the backup be and where might they be coming from? Um, so yeah, not my, not my finest hour, but hey, made for vaguely entertaining television.

• 7:31Speaker 01

  It was entertaining. Yeah. How, how did you get caught again?

• 7:34Speaker 02

  We got caught, uh, waiting at a hotel in Birmingham. Because this is one of the things, I think you guys like ran into this as well. They, they give you all of these like challenges and rules and restrictions, which are really fun to play. But they don't explain them to the audience. So the audience just think that you're constantly, I mean, in my case, I, I did make some, you know, I, I tapped in at my local station. That wasn't the smartest thing to do. But, um, uh, at, at times when you are trying to be a bit more savvy and go like, right. We're on the run, but which was true in our case. My wife had to be, uh, on live TV at 10pm in London, 9pm in London that night.

• 8:17Speaker 02

  And we planned this whole thing about how we could make it back to London. Obviously that, that goes down the toilet because you don't know where you're gonna be. And then eventually we got caught because we, we were like, we're running out of options. We're just gonna need, um, the producers on next job to call us a cab. And I said, maybe we shouldn't use our burner phones. Maybe we should ask the hotel to make that call. Um, and I'm gonna go on record and say that I was overruled. Um, and we used our burner phones, which they'd, you know, the, the, I've forgotten all the, the weird acronyms that they have, but they were, they were listening, guys. Yeah. But we, we were out, we, we, we nearly made it, but we were out by five minutes.

• 9:02Speaker 02

  And then, uh, the hunters called up to us. Um, before that, the, our, um, like, our producer, director person had said, like, you know, just have a chat about what happens if it gets tasty, what you can do. And Nick was like, well, one of us has got to try and win it. So we split. Um, so when we got caught, uh, I legged it. Um, down a main road in Birmingham going this, you know, like sweaty brown man with a backpack on running down the high street. But this doesn't look suspicious at all. Um, and then ju- uh, basically jumped into the back of a, a, a white van with, um, like two bald white guys working. And I was like, I mean, it feels like, I'm telling this, uh. Hold on, you, you know these, these men? No. Um.

• 9:47Speaker 02

  Just jumped in their van? Yeah, demographically, you wouldn't fancy my chances, but I jumped onto this van and, and just went like, explained, look, guys, have you seen Hunted? My, my girlfriend, she then was, has been, just been caught. Um, luckily they knew the show and they were like, yeah, wait here, we've got to drop something off at work. But we'll like, you know, well, you can stow away in here and then we'll take you. And then I was looking around this van while I was sort of like trying not to hyperventilate. And it was like, oh, these are, this is all paraphernalia that you'd see on a TV set. The van that I happened to have found, they worked in crew and they were working on a Netflix TV show that they just happened to be filming in Birmingham. You got a part in it?

• 10:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 10:26Speaker 02

  No part, no part.

• 10:28Speaker 00

  And that's what you're here to promote.

• 10:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. It did mean that they were like, all right, well, come to, you come to like the prop store, basically, and they gave me like some pretty, like, I got a new backpack with some stuff in it, but, uh.

• 10:40Speaker 01

  I mean, you should have won.

• 10:41Speaker 02

  No, I got caught eight hours later. So, you know, I think.

• 10:44Speaker 01

  But loads of other people have been caught by then, right?

• 10:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, no, I think we were the first.

• 10:50Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah, you were.

• 10:51Speaker 02

  Which, when, when, um, I'm not gonna lie, when Nick found out that we hadn't outlasted you two specifically, uh, she was livid.

• 11:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:02Speaker 02

  Um.

• 11:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, you should be.

• 11:04Speaker 02

  You know, throwing your shoes out the window and basically saying like, come and get me.

• 11:08Speaker 00

  We went to stay at the house of some other people who were on the run that had CCTV outside their house.

• 11:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, and they didn't catch us then. Uh, I'm checking my shoes out the window. It was a smart move.

• 11:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, that was in Birmingham as well.

• 11:18Speaker 01

  In case they, because they might have bugged the shoes.

• 11:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:20Speaker 02

  It might, okay, fine, fine. Yeah, that was hard to live down.

• 11:24Speaker 00

  Everyone got caught on that series, though.

• 11:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, clean sweep.

• 11:26Speaker 00

  No one made it out. We were all too thick.

• 11:28Speaker 01

  Bobby Siegel.

• 11:29Speaker 02

  Bobby Siegel, I thought, might give them, you know, he's a sort of, yeah, I thought he might give them the slip, but I, I feel like, hey, I'm gonna say it, I feel like this was the season that we were like, no one's getting on that chopper.

• 11:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 11:43Speaker 01

  We always start with still or sparkling water, Nikesh. Have a preference?

• 11:46Speaker 02

  Um, I think because there's quite a lot of spice in my overall menu, I'm gonna go still. But to push it up a bit, I'm gonna go with cucumber, but like sliced long, do you know what I mean? To get this, yeah, so like a nice, nice, refreshing.

• 12:05Speaker 01

  How long?

• 12:05Speaker 02

  Uh, length of the, length of the cuke.

• 12:08Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're sort of limited, you're limited by the length of the cuke, aren't you?

• 12:11Speaker 01

  But how long is this cuke? Because like, you know.

• 12:12Speaker 02

  All right, Jeannie, get me like, uh, get me a cuke that's long enough that if you do one slice, it'll fit into one of those like one litre bottles.

• 12:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:22Speaker 02

  But still within, with enough space that you get a decent serving of water.

• 12:27Speaker 01

  Yeah, okay.

• 12:27Speaker 00

  That's quite a long cuke. We're talking long cuke.

• 12:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, here, Austin, I'm into it. So, yeah.

• 12:32Speaker 00

  Are you thinking it's easy to slice, it's like a completely straight cuke? Because I've found it's difficult to find a long cuke that doesn't have a bend.

• 12:39Speaker 02

  Surely, if you're like, if, if you're, if you're using like a peeler to get the slice. Then the bend doesn't matter because you just work around the bend.

• 12:48Speaker 00

  Well, you've got to have a pretty delicate touch to work around the bend and get a thickness that's consistent. You've got to have the hands of a surgeon.

• 12:55Speaker 02

  Yeah. Or a genie. Are you preparing this cuke?

• 12:59Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 12:59Speaker 02

  Do you back yourself to navigate a bendy?

• 13:03Speaker 01

  Well, I do have magical powers, so I can, I can navigate.

• 13:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm sort of relying on them, you know, without getting ahead of myself. I'm sort of relying on your magical powers for this, for this meal. So yeah. Long bendy cuke.

• 13:13Speaker 01

  Got steady hands.

• 13:14Speaker 02

  Yeah. Nice, long slice.

• 13:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 13:16Speaker 02

  Bosh that in there.

• 13:17Speaker 00

  How, how good are you as a genie doing that? Could you do a loop the loop in the cuke the cuke?

• 13:22Speaker 01

  I could do a cuke to cuke in a loop the loop. Very easy.

• 13:24Speaker 02

  What's happening?

• 13:27Speaker 00

  Just trying to have a laugh.

• 13:28Speaker 02

  Just trying to have a laugh. Um, yeah. Long bendy cuke to cuke.

• 13:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 13:32Speaker 02

  In the water, please.

• 13:33Speaker 00

  Nice.

• 13:33Speaker 01

  I could do that. It's hard though.

• 13:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:35Speaker 01

  Because when you do the loop, you, I do have to kind of change the angle of your wrist and then you're coming up through the cuke and end up kind of wearing it like a bracelet.

• 13:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:43Speaker 01

  But that's my problem at that point.

• 13:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 13:45Speaker 01

  I've already peeled it. You've got your slice that you need.

• 13:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:48Speaker 01

  And then I've just got to figure out how to escape.

• 13:50Speaker 02

  Disentangle.

• 13:51Speaker 01

  Because now I'm trapped.

• 13:52Speaker 00

  Do you want it in the bottle then, rather than in the glass?

• 13:54Speaker 02

  In the bottle.

• 13:55Speaker 00

  In the bottle. So that's another tricky thing to do.

• 13:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 13:58Speaker 00

  Is getting it in there on, you know, in one piece.

• 14:02Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 14:02Speaker 00

  You're gonna have to do it like ship in a bottle.

• 14:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm into it.

• 14:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, pull a string and then it becomes a cuke again.

• 14:07Speaker 02

  Also, I don't need to know.

• 14:09Speaker 01

  Comes back into it.

• 14:09Speaker 02

  I don't need to know, like, the work that's gone into it, do you know what I mean?

• 14:13Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 14:14Speaker 02

  Um, I just, I just need it.

• 14:16Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:17Speaker 01

  So you won't, you won't ask any questions if, if that bottle arrives on the table?

• 14:20Speaker 02

  No, I suppose what I'm saying, uh, genie is that like, I don't, I don't need you to tell me how hard it was.

• 14:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 14:27Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 14:27Speaker 02

  Just to be like, here you go.

• 14:28Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:29Speaker 02

  And then if I'm interested, I'll be like, oh, that's a long bendy slice of cuke. How did you get it in that?

• 14:34Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 14:34Speaker 02

  Narrow necked bowl.

• 14:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, sometimes I think when they come in, they tell you what they've done with the dish beforehand.

• 14:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:41Speaker 01

  Uh, it can make it taste worse because they go like, we did all of this. You go, wow, that sounds incredible.

• 14:46Speaker 02

  And then you tuck in and you're like.

• 14:48Speaker 01

  Taste it and go, uh, doesn't really.

• 14:51Speaker 00

  You two are mad.

• 14:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 14:52Speaker 01

  Not always.

• 14:53Speaker 00

  I love hearing about it. The idea that someone comes like, let me take you through how I made this. And you're going, no, piss off.

• 14:58Speaker 01

  I like to.

• 14:59Speaker 00

  I don't need, I don't need to have the sausages made. I came here to eat this dinner.

• 15:03Speaker 01

  Like, I don't know why we're suddenly two old men with a cold.

• 15:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:06Speaker 00

  Well, that's, that's the vibe I'm getting.

• 15:08Speaker 02

  The Muppets, maybe.

• 15:09Speaker 01

  Yeah. We're just saying, look, I do like being told about it, but sometimes they tell you about it. And it sounds better than it actually is. Joe, what I think if they hadn't told me about this particular one.

• 15:18Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:19Speaker 01

  I would have enjoyed it more.

• 15:20Speaker 00

  If they just said, it's just microwave.

• 15:22Speaker 01

  Yeah, we just microwave.

• 15:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:24Speaker 02

  Not the cucumber, that'd be weird.

• 15:25Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:26Speaker 00

  Don't microwave the cucumber.

• 15:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And horribly.

• 15:29Speaker 01

  You're asking for trouble.

• 15:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 15:31Speaker 01

  If I, if I gave you a cuke and a microwave and uh, what's the, say it's a challenge.

• 15:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:38Speaker 01

  How long do you think you can microwave it for? Yeah, if you've got to choose, you've got to choose how long it's in there.

• 15:43Speaker 02

  A time.

• 15:43Speaker 01

  Before you put it in.

• 15:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 15:45Speaker 01

  You've got to choose how long you want to put it in there.

• 15:47Speaker 02

  How long the cucumber can last in the microwave, is that the challenge?

• 15:49Speaker 01

  Before all hell breaks loose.

• 15:51Speaker 02

  Flipping heck. Um, I, are, are we taking from like the first, you know, when you get that first? It's like before then or, or we talking like full blown?

• 16:02Speaker 01

  Full, right off.

• 16:03Speaker 02

  Dripping out of the.

• 16:03Speaker 01

  Clean the whole thing.

• 16:04Speaker 02

  The glass, kind of.

• 16:05Speaker 01

  Yeah, full slime.

• 16:06Speaker 02

  Slime, um, I don't know, man.

• 16:10Speaker 00

  Any opportunity.

• 16:11Speaker 01

  It's my brother from another month.

• 16:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, got a rep. You going back? You doing more?

• 16:15Speaker 01

  I, I, I, I hope so.

• 16:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, me too, man.

• 16:18Speaker 01

  But as far as I know, none.

• 16:19Speaker 02

  No. Yeah. We don't know.

• 16:23Speaker 01

  No, no, no.

• 16:23Speaker 02

  That's not a no.

• 16:24Speaker 00

  We don't know.

• 16:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:25Speaker 01

  No, I haven't heard anything.

• 16:26Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:26Speaker 00

  Be awful if it's the one that ended the entire franchise.

• 16:29Speaker 01

  Would be bad.

• 16:30Speaker 02

  You could have like, like, like what they're saying, like Snow White has made Disney go, actually, we're not going to do any more.

• 16:35Speaker 01

  Hmm.

• 16:35Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 16:36Speaker 02

  Live action.

• 16:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 16:37Speaker 02

  You could be, you could be doing that for.

• 16:39Speaker 01

  I could be the.

• 16:40Speaker 00

  You're normally in the one before the.

• 16:42Speaker 01

  Am I?

• 16:42Speaker 00

  Well, Cinderella, not Disney, but you know, it's that sort of thing. You're in that and then Snow White and that ended it.

• 16:48Speaker 02

  Forgot you're in Cinderella.

• 16:50Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 16:50Speaker 00

  So there'll be another one.

• 16:51Speaker 02

  Didn't kill that.

• 16:52Speaker 01

  No, I didn't kill that.

• 16:53Speaker 00

  No.

• 16:54Speaker 01

  There's a lot of songs in Cinderella that the artists who wrote those songs have gone on to great things.

• 16:59Speaker 02

  They made quite a few live action Disneys after, because that was, that was, that was one that worked.

• 17:04Speaker 01

  Yeah, I don't know if it was Disney though, that one. It was Sony.

• 17:07Speaker 02

  Was it Sony?

• 17:08Speaker 01

  I'm a Sony boy.

• 17:08Speaker 02

  You're a Sony, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry.

• 17:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 17:10Speaker 01

  Go to Sony.

• 17:11Speaker 00

  You're committed to the brand.

• 17:12Speaker 01

  Yeah, I'm committed to Sony if you, if the Sony.

• 17:15Speaker 02

  If anyone from Sony's listening.

• 17:16Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 17:17Speaker 02

  Spinoff, please.

• 17:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, Lars Pinfield or John the Mouse spinoff, or both, I can play both.

• 17:21Speaker 02

  Multiverse, where.

• 17:22Speaker 01

  Multi, yeah.

• 17:23Speaker 02

  They'd both just get to hang out.

• 17:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, I can be the mouse and be.

• 17:26Speaker 02

  Lars Pinfield is a good name.

• 17:27Speaker 01

  That's my, signed to, he's a parabologist.

• 17:30Speaker 02

  Great. Um microwave cucumber, I'm gonna say, cause there's a lot of water in those boys. I'm gonna say mi- like fifty seconds.

• 17:42Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 17:43Speaker 02

  And it's gonna get, by then it's gonna be hectic.

• 17:47Speaker 00

  Is it a coincidence you've chosen in the same amount of time you lasted on Hunter?

• 17:52Speaker 02

  Very good.

• 17:53Speaker 00

  Took so long to get there.

• 17:53Speaker 02

  Very good.

• 17:55Speaker 01

  Brilliant, mate.

• 17:56Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 17:57Speaker 01

  Give me that.

• 17:57Speaker 02

  Nice one, James.

• 17:58Speaker 03

  Poplums on bread, poplums on bread, like it's Patel, poplums on bread.

• 18:02Speaker 02

  Oh. Bread, I think. Yeah, I'll go bread, but I'm gonna go for a specific, cause there's lots of like, there's lots of like nice breads from like the subcontinent that I could go for. But actually, the bread I wanna go for, um have you guys had roti chani from Malaysia?

• 18:22Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 18:23Speaker 02

  Um, so I uh got the chance to live out in Penang. Amazing foodie spot, cause I was filming there for two years when we, when we filmed a show called Indian Summers. And the food there was great because you got um uh Indian influences, Chinese influences, uh ethnic Malay influences, something called Nyonya cuisine, which is great. And roti chani is basically like a, a version of a roti or a, or a, or a parata, but it's um more like crepe-like, it's like really buttery, great for, you know, I'm a, I'm a big fan of using bread to just like mop up whatever's, whatever's going around. So my bread is gonna be roti chani.

• 19:03Speaker 01

  That does sound great.

• 19:04Speaker 00

  And it's like, comes with like a.

• 19:06Speaker 02

  Well, normally, like, normally you have it as like a, like with a, with a dish, so you know, like a, like a rendang or, um but yeah, if you can't get Penang roti chani, um then yeah, there's some good spots you can get it in London. There's actually one really near um us in North West London called Jolly, J O L I. Um, and they're often at, uh, they do market stops as well, so they'll do like Borough Market and stuff. Their roti chani is really good. Their vegan rendang is banging. But yeah, good for just mopping up whatever's going.

• 19:39Speaker 00

  That's a great, it's a great shout. There's a. Cafe in Soho, I can't remember what it's called.

• 19:44Speaker 02

  Is it CP or something like that? It's down one of those.

• 19:46Speaker 00

  Down Brian the Alleyway.

• 19:48Speaker 02

  Court or something like that.

• 19:48Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 19:49Speaker 02

  I know the exact way.

• 19:50Speaker 00

  I had Rosh Chani there and that was fantastic.

• 19:52Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 19:53Speaker 00

  Yeah. Recommended to me by Rose Matafeo.

• 19:56Speaker 02

  Here we go. Yeah, Rose loves that place.

• 19:57Speaker 00

  Your co-star in Starstruck.

• 19:59Speaker 02

  Old pal.

• 19:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, there you go.

• 20:01Speaker 02

  In fact, I've been there once with her because we, we went to see Rose do like a, she did a Q and A of, um, at the Prince Charles and then we went for, yeah, so she knows.

• 20:10Speaker 00

  It's good stuff there. Huge shout out. Yes, I think it's CP Cafe.

• 20:13Speaker 02

  I think it's CP Cafe, yeah.

• 20:15Speaker 00

  CNR Cafe.

• 20:16Speaker 02

  CNR Cafe, that's the one.

• 20:17Speaker 00

  Cafe, thank you.

• 20:18Speaker 02

  Any Penang adventures that you can tell us about? Um, just like what I'm, what I'm mad, one of the big challenges of filming what, uh, Indian Summers was because the show takes, is set in a hill station in India, which the reason why it was so popular for the British to govern from there was because it was nice and cool in the summer. Hence the name. You go, you go to the hill station in the summer, you get away from the heat down below. But the, for various reasons, when they're scouting the location for like where would have the infrastructure to support a six month shoot where they needed enough period detail, blah, blah, blah.

• 20:58Speaker 02

  They, they settled on Penang, um, which had a lot of its own colonial past, a lot of like suitable buildings, but the climate's quite different. So it's humid, the start and the end of the shoot, because we were there for like April till October, you got a lot of rainy season. But yeah, some of them, the, most of the like mad mishaps that I can remember are like, you know, you'd be sweltering and going like, I really need to, really need a green room where I can just sit and like fan myself. And then there'd be a, um, kindly like Malay member of crew saying like, oh, you can't go in there. And you'd be like, why can't I go in there? And it's like, there's a, there's a scorpion in there. And you're like, okay.

• 21:36Speaker 00

  I'll stay here.

• 21:37Speaker 02

  I'll stay, I'll stay here. Um, just the kind of stuff that sort of makes you, makes you realise that actually when we, when we whinge about. Uh, you know, stuff not working over here. It's like, well, it's not a pit viper, you know?

• 21:51Speaker 00

  Yeah, sure. No pit vipers on the Starstruck set?

• 21:54Speaker 02

  Um, no, um.

• 21:56Speaker 00

  That's a good catchphrase for life, I think.

• 21:58Speaker 02

  No pit viper is allowed.

• 21:59Speaker 00

  If anything happens in your life that's bad, you go, well, it's not a pit viper.

• 22:03Speaker 01

  Not a pit viper?

• 22:03Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 22:04Speaker 01

  Yes, it is.

• 22:04Speaker 02

  It's also, it feels like.

• 22:05Speaker 00

  Don't use it then.

• 22:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly. It feels like an extension of, uh, like got no dickhead rule.

• 22:11Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 22:11Speaker 02

  No pit viper is allowed.

• 22:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, no pit viper. Yeah, yeah.

• 22:16Speaker 01

  We'll start your dream menu proper now.

• 22:18Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 22:19Speaker 01

  Your dream starter?

• 22:20Speaker 02

  Dream starter. I don't know why, even though I understand what I'm, what, uh, um, what a meal is and how menus work.

• 22:30Speaker 00

  It's good to know at the top, you understand what a meal is.

• 22:32Speaker 01

  It doesn't sound confident about it.

• 22:34Speaker 02

  But for some, uh, more confident than I was on that, I promise. Um, but for some reason, every time I thought of starter, I just, I just thought of like breakfast food.

• 22:44Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 22:44Speaker 02

  Do you know what I mean? Something, and something really like comforting that, uh, chilaquiles from Mexico. Um, there's something about just like, I went on a trip with, uh, my girlfriend about like three. She was my girlfriend then. I'm just gonna keep saying this. She's my wife now, guys.

• 23:01Speaker 00

  I think you just gotta, you gotta switch to wife.

• 23:03Speaker 02

  With my wife.

• 23:04Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:04Speaker 01

  Yeah. You've been married a while. This isn't a new thing.

• 23:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's true. That's true.

• 23:09Speaker 00

  But I, it is like, cause you're thinking she was your girlfriend then, but now she's your wife.

• 23:13Speaker 02

  Exactly.

• 23:13Speaker 01

  But what's the worst that's gonna happen in the story? Are we gonna go, aha, you've been married longer than you say?

• 23:18Speaker 02

  By the end of the show, be like, she's not my wife anymore.

• 23:20Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 23:21Speaker 01

  Yeah. Oh, yeah, that would be sad.

• 23:23Speaker 00

  What a dessert.

• 23:23Speaker 02

  Well, yeah.

• 23:24Speaker 01

  Or divorce.

• 23:25Speaker 02

  What's a divorce? Yeah. Uh, chilaquiles. Yeah. Um, something about the, like, we were on this trip and we were, we were, because we were trying to see as much of Mexico as possible. So we, like, landed in Mexico City, um, where you get the kind of like cool hipstery version of it. And there's something about the, the combination of all the flavors of like, apparently using slightly stale tortillas to get like crunchier chips.

• 23:50Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 23:50Speaker 02

  So you get the texture of that. You get the, the sour cream, the refried beans. And also just like lots of cheese. Yeah, there's something, Chilaquiles is my, is my starter.

• 24:01Speaker 01

  So what is a Chilaquile? Like, I don't think I've got, I've got it in my head proper.

• 24:05Speaker 02

  So like, um, they, they bake, I believe they bake, uh, tortillas and then, and then break them up into chips. Um, over that you serve refried beans, sour cream, lots of herbs, load of cheese. If you're, uh, so inclined, you can have, uh, fried eggs on top and you just chad on on that. I do feel that.

• 24:23Speaker 00

  I am, I am inclined. Yeah, I'm so inclined.

• 24:26Speaker 02

  For, for anyone who's listening from Mexico, I do feel like I've, I've sort of just asked for the equivalent of like, oh, my starter is going to be beans on toast, but it tastes delicious.

• 24:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, but in, on the Mexican off menu, when a guest asks for beans on toast, everyone's like, whoa, nice. Good choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 24:43Speaker 01

  Have we franchised this out? Is there a Mexican one? I didn't know about you, Benito. Oh, I didn't know this. Didn't know there was a Mexican off menu.

• 24:49Speaker 00

  Yeah, it's pretty good.

• 24:50Speaker 02

  Wow. Intrigued to see what their genie's like.

• 24:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, I would be intrigued to see it actually. They're basing it on me.

• 24:56Speaker 02

  If they do any, did they do slightly more work to prepare for them?

• 24:59Speaker 01

  Well, I, I'd work.

• 25:01Speaker 00

  He's done the work.

• 25:01Speaker 02

  He's done the work. Yeah.

• 25:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 25:03Speaker 00

  He's been living this.

• 25:04Speaker 01

  His character is just inside out. No one's ever caught me out.

• 25:08Speaker 01

  Do we have any, uh, listeners in Mexico, Benito?

• 25:11Speaker 00

  Look it up.

• 25:12Speaker 01

  He, he, he has, he has the stats broken, broken down.

• 25:15Speaker 00

  This guy loves stats. You're going to finally seem excited.

• 25:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, come on, hit us with it.

• 25:19Speaker 01

  He's going to absolutely love it.

• 25:21Speaker 02

  Percentage of off menu listeners from Mexico.

• 25:23Speaker 00

  From, in Mexico, in Mexico. It's less than one percent, I think.

• 25:27Speaker 01

  I'm, I'm going to say two percent.

• 25:29Speaker 00

  I'm going to say naught point five percent.

• 25:31Speaker 02

  I'll say naught point nine percent.

• 25:33Speaker 00

  Naught point one one.

• 25:35Speaker 02

  So I'm, I was going to go with naught point two.

• 25:37Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 25:38Speaker 02

  In Mexico.

• 25:38Speaker 00

  A thousandth of our listenership is in Mexico and a lot of those are going to be expats, aren't they?

• 25:43Speaker 02

  It's a growth area, guys. You got.

• 25:45Speaker 00

  There'll just be people on spring break or something.

• 25:48Speaker 01

  Can't believe this. I'm gutted to find that out.

• 25:52Speaker 01

  That's quite disappointing.

• 25:53Speaker 00

  Wish we hadn't booked an arena in Mexico now.

• 25:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:55Speaker 00

  We have more listeners in Jersey. Good, glad to hear it.

• 25:57Speaker 02

  That tracks. Great. Yeah, yeah.

• 26:00Speaker 01

  Pick up Jersey if you're listening.

• 26:03Speaker 01

  Well, those chili kilos sound very nice.

• 26:05Speaker 00

  Are you inclined with, you're not inclined with the egg?

• 26:08Speaker 02

  With the egg, um, I mean, I don't eat egg, but then I've been.

• 26:13Speaker 00

  You shouldn't have egg on it then.

• 26:13Speaker 02

  You don't eat egg? Yeah, I don't eat egg, but, but, uh, no, I will have it if it's like in cake.

• 26:19Speaker 01

  How come you, okay. It's not in cake, it's on a chili kilo.

• 26:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's in chili kilo.

• 26:24Speaker 00

  And I don't, who's, who's having a bit of cake and going, oh, lovely egg.

• 26:27Speaker 02

  Lovely egg, you really take the egg.

• 26:30Speaker 00

  That would put me off cake.

• 26:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:31Speaker 00

  If I think about that there's egg in it, that puts me off it.

• 26:34Speaker 02

  Puts you off?

• 26:34Speaker 00

  Yeah, because I'm like, it's supposed to be a sweet treat. Why, what the hell's an egg doing in there?

• 26:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 26:39Speaker 01

  He loves hatching eggs.

• 26:40Speaker 02

  Hatch, I love hatching eggs. What does that mean?

• 26:42Speaker 01

  You love hatching eggs?

• 26:44Speaker 00

  Uh oh.

• 26:44Speaker 01

  Hatching and catching.

• 26:45Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, here we, yeah, okay, this is, um, James is talking about Pokemon Go.

• 26:49Speaker 00

  Right.

• 26:50Speaker 02

  Are you familiar, Ed?

• 26:50Speaker 00

  Oh God, I've just remembered, yeah.

• 26:52Speaker 01

  Nick is in the crew.

• 26:53Speaker 02

  I'm in the crew.

• 26:54Speaker 00

  Because I was like, oh great, Nick is coming on, we can talk about hunted and stuff, it's gonna be really fun, we can talk about all his great work, and I've just remembered you're in the stupid fucking Pokemon.

• 27:02Speaker 01

  Whoa, whoa, whoa, Chester of respect.

• 27:04Speaker 02

  Not the guest, not the record show, it was Ed having a shit fit about Pokemon Go. No, I did.

• 27:10Speaker 01

  Went to Go Fest together.

• 27:12Speaker 02

  We did go to Go Fest together.

• 27:13Speaker 01

  Bockhold Park.

• 27:14Speaker 02

  For disclosure, I did, um, message James last night on Signal because, um, not because we're drug dealers, but because of the Pokemon Go crew.

• 27:23Speaker 01

  Yeah, Pokemon Go crew, uh.

• 27:25Speaker 02

  You don't want it traceable.

• 27:26Speaker 01

  Spencer's quite paranoid about WhatsApp, so it'll work to be on Signal.

• 27:30Speaker 02

  Is that the reason?

• 27:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 27:31Speaker 02

  Great.

• 27:32Speaker 01

  That's before you joined.

• 27:33Speaker 02

  Of course, that makes sense. I basically went, uh, I, uh, I haven't played the game in about a year.

• 27:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:40Speaker 02

  Um, but should I just get on it so that we can talk about it? Because it'll wind up, Ed, and you said that's exactly the reason why I should do it.

• 27:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 27:46Speaker 02

  But it's, it's indecipherable now. Like, I was sort of wandering around London Bridge going, the game's gone.

• 27:51Speaker 00

  Why is it indecipherable?

• 27:53Speaker 02

  Um, there's all this like, I mean, you don't care, but like, there's, they've added loads of like, uh, there's a Dynamax option where you can battle like giant Pokemon. And it's a whole bolt onto the game.

• 28:06Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:07Speaker 02

  Um.

• 28:07Speaker 01

  Winds me up.

• 28:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, so, um.

• 28:09Speaker 01

  But then you do get the little, you get the little bear cupboard that's like knows taekwondo, so I, I wanted to get.

• 28:14Speaker 00

  So you guys are just walking around London going, London's changed.

• 28:17Speaker 02

  London, yeah, pretty much.

• 28:18Speaker 01

  All these Dynamax Pokemons are everywhere now.

• 28:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, exactly.

• 28:20Speaker 01

  And if I want to get the little.

• 28:22Speaker 02

  Kistam's gonna do a announcement about Dynamax Pokemon tomorrow. Yeah.

• 28:27Speaker 00

  Tweeting, tweeting Siddique Khan.

• 28:29Speaker 02

  We're an island of strangers because of these Dynamax Pokemon.

• 28:32Speaker 01

  I walked past someone on the tube the other day, a mum saying to her kid, "Well, welcome to Siddique Khan's London. This is what it's like." I was like, "He's been in charge for ages."

• 28:42Speaker 00

  Also, you don't know that woman wasn't being positive.

• 28:45Speaker 01

  She wasn't.

• 28:46Speaker 02

  Were they playing Pokemon?

• 28:47Speaker 01

  What she followed it up with was not positive.

• 28:48Speaker 00

  That's funny to say that in a positive way to someone, though, isn't it?

• 28:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 28:51Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:52Speaker 00

  Welcome to Siddique Khan's London.

• 28:54Speaker 02

  Are you a positive utopia?

• 28:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 28:57Speaker 02

  Love that.

• 28:58Speaker 01

  I know.

• 28:58Speaker 02

  Um.

• 28:59Speaker 01

  She was claiming that nothing worked, even though currently everything was working.

• 29:02Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 29:02Speaker 01

  And we were walking around and it was all fine.

• 29:04Speaker 02

  Yeah. But that's not, that's, you know, you can't moan about that, so.

• 29:07Speaker 01

  No.

• 29:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:08Speaker 01

  You've got to put poison into your kids.

• 29:11Speaker 02

  Blame Siddique Khan for this functioning lift.

• 29:13Speaker 01

  Yeah. But yeah, I mean, it is getting crazy now, Pokemon.

• 29:17Speaker 02

  Cause you're still pretty diehard, right?

• 29:19Speaker 01

  Well, I'm, I'm, I'm on the app pretty regularly, but, uh, you know, I can't keep up with it all, not like.

• 29:25Speaker 00

  Do you remember the plan you had, which you told me, which I think now, looking back on it, was a way of playing Pokemon without seeming like a loser?

• 29:32Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 29:33Speaker 00

  Was that you were like, I'm gonna, he said, "I'm gonna collect them all and then I'm gonna hand over the whole app to my nephews."

• 29:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 29:38Speaker 00

  And be like, "I've done, I've done this for you." So he said it was like a present for his nephews. That was four years ago.

• 29:43Speaker 02

  Do you have a nephew?

• 29:44Speaker 01

  I just go, I don't know anymore.

• 29:46Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:46Speaker 01

  Uh, I've lost touch, lost touch with them.

• 29:48Speaker 00

  Yeah. Yeah, you, you never gave them the Pokemon.

• 29:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I didn't have any interest after that. Um, yeah, I, I mean, it turns out you can never catch them all because they're constantly releasing new ones.

• 29:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 29:58Speaker 01

  The Dynamax ones, for example.

• 30:00Speaker 02

  Oh, just total waste of time. And, and also I was lulled into thinking that like, like the, the fun thing, um, Ed, was that we all got to walk around in a park.

• 30:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 30:11Speaker 02

  Playing Pokemon Go together. That doesn't happen every year. So they were like, "Where is it next year?" And it's like, it's in. Barcelona.

• 30:17Speaker 01

  Yeah, exactly.

• 30:18Speaker 00

  You could go, you guys could go to Barcelona.

• 30:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, but it's a bit of a hard sell. It's like, especially with a kid.

• 30:24Speaker 00

  Pokemon Vamos?

• 30:26Speaker 02

  Can I Pokemon? Yeah, very good. Can I go to Barcelona for the weekend? Is it for work? No, what's it for? It's to play Pokemon Go.

• 30:33Speaker 01

  Yeah, with my crew.

• 30:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, with my crew.

• 30:35Speaker 00

  With my poker crew.

• 30:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, I've got to go with my crew. I've got to go with Helen Bower and Seki So.

• 30:39Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, got to go.

• 30:40Speaker 01

  We've all got to get on the plane together.

• 30:42Speaker 00

  I've realised you're booking all of the members of the Pokemon crew for this podcast.

• 30:46Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Had three people on it so far.

• 30:48Speaker 02

  Let's go.

• 30:49Speaker 01

  From the crew.

• 30:49Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 30:50Speaker 01

  No, it's harder to book the other ones because they're not like in front of camera people.

• 30:58Speaker 01

  But like if we do start booking producers.

• 31:00Speaker 00

  No.

• 31:01Speaker 01

  And people who book live gigs.

• 31:03Speaker 00

  No.

• 31:03Speaker 01

  You know, then I'll get the whole crew on.

• 31:05Speaker 02

  If they're, yeah, because of the, because of the nature of their work, they'd have to be notorious in some way.

• 31:10Speaker 00

  Hmm.

• 31:10Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 31:11Speaker 00

  My wife's not on the group anymore, right?

• 31:13Speaker 01

  She's on the group, she's just silent.

• 31:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, I've never been more proud of her.

• 31:16Speaker 01

  Doesn't say anything on there.

• 31:17Speaker 02

  But I mean, so, so, so am I nowadays.

• 31:19Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, we all are really apart from Bauer, who every now and again is going, anyone want to do a raid of me? And then everyone ignores you.

• 31:26Speaker 01

  Pretty bad.

• 31:27Speaker 02

  Which I feel like is water off a duck's back. Like, I think she's.

• 31:30Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, she'll follow up with a selfie of herself crying, pretending to cry.

• 31:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. There is that. Sorry, Bauer.

• 31:44Speaker 02

  Your dream main course? My dream main course is typically found in the starter section of the menu. But this is what I always used to do when I was a kid and we'd go out for food with my family. Is you'd go big on starters and get them to the table. Because the mains were bigger and heavier. My main course is going to be like a generous portion of chili paneer. And good chili paneer has like the right combination of, because like, I think typically people think of paneer very much as like an Indian dish. Um. Which is, but good chili paneer has a lot of like, a bit like what we're talking about with with Penang,

• 32:27Speaker 02

  that that fusion of Indian and Chinese flavours. So you get a mix of like, the spices that you'll find in chart. So like, like, I'm sure like mango powder and and all that kind of stuff, um, with Chinese spices as well. And the texture is really important because the cheese itself is, if it's, if it's fresh, it's nice and soft. But then you wanna fry it so you get that crisp on the outside. Um, I'm getting hungry now. And then, and then, yeah, with, just to say with the like, nice jasmine rice, big generous portion. Now, like, you can, you could go, I've had really good chili paneer in, uh, in Mumbai, obviously.

• 33:06Speaker 02

  Um, cause they, you know, you're, you're close to source, but there's some good spots in, I'd say like, northwest London where I grew up. But like a good, like, I, I wouldn't even say it's the, it's the, uh, best necessarily, but a really solid, uh, chili paneer is a, um, on, uh, Ealing Road in Wembley, which is, you guys are, you familiar with Ealing Road?

• 33:27Speaker 01

  I think so.

• 33:28Speaker 02

  Um, so like, it's sort of like, uh, a sort of Brick Lane-esque, uh, one road, loads of shops. Um, big hub for, particularly for the like Gujarati community in London. Um, lots of people go there to pick up like, uh, wedding wear. Um, so it's where my wife and I went to source a lot of our clothes for the wedding. Um, but yeah, really good food, um, food spots there as well.

• 33:53Speaker 01

  Did you double up on, when you were doing the wedding shop, where you were like, oh?

• 33:57Speaker 02

  Oh, I'll wear your shirt, no.

• 33:58Speaker 01

  Chili paneer.

• 33:59Speaker 02

  Oh, no, I thought you were gonna, I, sorry, no, I'm, I'm misunderstood, cause, cause when I came here, you asked about my jacket. And I said, I stole this off my wife. I thought you were gonna say, did we double up on clothes?

• 34:08Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:08Speaker 02

  Um, no.

• 34:09Speaker 01

  I was asking if you.

• 34:10Speaker 00

  That'd be nice to twin on your wedding day.

• 34:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:12Speaker 01

  Very nice.

• 34:12Speaker 02

  Just make, yeah.

• 34:14Speaker 01

  It's a great jacket.

• 34:15Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 34:16Speaker 01

  One of them looks like Ed.

• 34:18Speaker 02

  One of them looks like Ed.

• 34:20Speaker 01

  There's people on the jacket, just for the.

• 34:22Speaker 02

  There's people on, yeah, I'm wearing a sort of like multi-coloured jacket. This, this guy.

• 34:28Speaker 00

  That's looks like me a bit.

• 34:29Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:30Speaker 01

  Not exactly, Ed.

• 34:31Speaker 02

  Not exactly.

• 34:31Speaker 00

  Not exactly, mate.

• 34:32Speaker 02

  I was gonna say he looks a bit like David Walliams, but I prefer, I prefer that he looks like you.

• 34:38Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 34:39Speaker 00

  Sometimes with drawings of white guys, you can sort of squint and you can imagine any white guy on it.

• 34:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 34:44Speaker 00

  And I'm one of those guys.

• 34:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, you're one of those guys.

• 34:47Speaker 00

  I'm default.

• 34:47Speaker 01

  Yeah. I'd add a bit of stand-up about looking like the character on a computer game.

• 34:52Speaker 02

  Like choose your fire.

• 34:56Speaker 00

  Make your own character before you've added anything to it.

• 34:58Speaker 02

  Yeah. Like a blank avatar kind of vibes.

• 35:01Speaker 01

  He can be self-deprecating.

• 35:06Speaker 01

  Put the audience at ease.

• 35:07Speaker 00

  Yeah. I think what James was asking was, did you have a chili paneer when you were out picking wedding outfits?

• 35:12Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, like it was the thing that kept us.

• 35:14Speaker 01

  Before you left the house, or did you like mention it during?

• 35:17Speaker 02

  Oh, sometimes it would be like, we'd both be like, oh, we should really do some like outfit shopping today. And it was clear that we probably weren't going to find anything, but we would end up in usually Sakonis. Yeah, just chamoing down on chili paneer. So it was a good, good way to.

• 35:32Speaker 00

  Are you trying outfits on before you eat?

• 35:35Speaker 02

  Yeah, crucial.

• 35:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, I think it is crucial, isn't it?

• 35:38Speaker 02

  But also like, at least for the guys anyway, this is why like Indian formal wear is very forgiving. Cause as long as you get it fitting on your shoulders, down here, I mean, I don't know if you've ever tried on like the typical cotton Indian trousers, but there's some quite funny videos of people like usually, you know, white people who are going to their first Indian wedding.

• 35:59Speaker 01

  Shout out.

• 36:00Speaker 02

  Shout out white people.

• 36:03Speaker 02

  Who, who will hold up the trousers and they're like twice the width. And that's basically because they're very, like they've got a drawstring in them.

• 36:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:11Speaker 02

  So you just slip into the, into this garment, pull the drawstring until it fits around your waist and then tie it up.

• 36:19Speaker 00

  And then throughout the day, just keep loosening it.

• 36:21Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 36:22Speaker 00

  I love that.

• 36:23Speaker 02

  And then the top part is just, yeah, as long as it, it fits you up top, then there's no, there's no constricting.

• 36:28Speaker 01

  Right.

• 36:29Speaker 02

  Your belly.

• 36:30Speaker 01

  I mean, sign me up for that. He's got a suit fitting soon and he's uh, he's crapping his pants.

• 36:35Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 36:35Speaker 01

  Um. Because he doesn't want to eat. What was Benito suggested to you that you eat? And you were, you were through that back in his face, bread and cheese?

• 36:43Speaker 00

  No, but that's not, that's after, that's after, but.

• 36:45Speaker 02

  Oh, is it, is it like a posh day that you're, you're?

• 36:47Speaker 00

  It's my sister's wedding.

• 36:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay.

• 36:49Speaker 00

  Coming up in August, gonna have a suit made for it. I thought it was a nice excuse to have it. And it's gonna be hot, right?

• 36:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 36:55Speaker 00

  So I'm gonna get a linen, linen suit made.

• 36:58Speaker 02

  Here's the thing, your, your sister's wedding is in a hot country.

• 37:01Speaker 00

  No, no, no, but I know what's gonna happen. It's in England, but I know it's gonna end up being boiling.

• 37:05Speaker 02

  Yeah. Could you go in an Indian outfit?

• 37:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 37:08Speaker 00

  I'm not sure I could square it away, given.

• 37:11Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 37:11Speaker 00

  It's my sister who is, um, you know, true to form for the gamble family, white.

• 37:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:17Speaker 00

  Uh, marrying a man who is white.

• 37:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:20Speaker 00

  I don't think there's gonna be any members of the family there who are Indian, so I don't feel like I could.

• 37:26Speaker 02

  Fine.

• 37:26Speaker 00

  If I rock, basically, I'm gonna have to do.

• 37:28Speaker 01

  You're not gonna clash with anyone.

• 37:29Speaker 00

  I'm gonna have to do a lot of explaining if I turn up in an Indian wedding outfit.

• 37:32Speaker 02

  Not, not, yeah.

• 37:33Speaker 01

  Probably, probably not, yeah, exactly. I'll, I'll come with you.

• 37:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, you come with me, please.

• 37:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:37Speaker 01

  The, the.

• 37:37Speaker 02

  The optics of that would be weird though, wouldn't it? It's just like, I'm not invited, don't know anyone, don't, like, not talking to anyone, but just sort of by your side.

• 37:46Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:47Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay, fair enough. But you know, it's an option. Yeah, it does, it does mean that when you, um, it's very forgiving when you're stuffing your.

• 37:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 37:54Speaker 01

  More comfortable to be in on the day.

• 37:56Speaker 02

  Can you get a drawstring?

• 37:58Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 37:59Speaker 02

  Of linen trousers?

• 37:59Speaker 00

  I'll ask the tailor.

• 38:00Speaker 01

  I'll send the foot, put it in, can you just put a drawstring in that?

• 38:03Speaker 02

  What sort of, what sort of suit? Are you allowed to tell me about your suit or is?

• 38:06Speaker 00

  I don't really know yet. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go and chat to them about fabrics on Wednesday.

• 38:09Speaker 02

  Great. I love that stuff.

• 38:11Speaker 01

  He's got a tie that he has to wear though.

• 38:12Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 38:13Speaker 01

  Specific tie, so he has to build the suit around the tie.

• 38:15Speaker 02

  Yes, great. So it's like picking, picking the colour from the tie. Is that where we're going with it or you're going?

• 38:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, but then the tie's like blue, but I've really liked, they've, they've got a green linen in at the moment that looks really nice.

• 38:25Speaker 01

  Tie with a naked lady on it.

• 38:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:28Speaker 02

  Ooh la la.

• 38:30Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:30Speaker 02

  Not your sister.

• 38:31Speaker 00

  No, no, no, no.

• 38:33Speaker 02

  That'd be weird.

• 38:34Speaker 00

  Be weird if my sister was like, you, you and your brother, you and your brother have to, that'd be funny as hell though. I kind of respect it. And she was like, you've got to wear a tie with a picture of me, with a nude on it.

• 38:43Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:43Speaker 01

  Where you turn up, yeah, she did it.

• 38:44Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 38:45Speaker 01

  Yeah, she did it.

• 38:46Speaker 02

  Psych.

• 38:47Speaker 00

  Nick, I stopped me.

• 38:49Speaker 02

  And I'll just be there going, I did.

• 38:52Speaker 00

  Today's episode of the Off Menu podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.

• 38:58Speaker 01

  Ah, man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan. Do you know what I mean?

• 39:03Speaker 00

  I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofers, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast, but you know what? We very rarely talk about where we want to eat this dream meal.

• 39:23Speaker 01

  Sure, yeah, I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the setting, the vibe. And Cozy's modular, customisable furniture for the whole home does just that.

• 39:34Speaker 00

  And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room. And I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful, cosy table, linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James, you're a mucky pup.

• 39:55Speaker 01

  I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the Cozy furniture?

• 39:59Speaker 00

  No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs, you telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere. Don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.

• 40:10Speaker 01

  Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?

• 40:14Speaker 00

  Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well. And that's where Cozy comes in.

• 40:30Speaker 01

  And because it's Cozy, the furniture isn't just good looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers and free design consultations if you want help making the whole room work.

• 40:42Speaker 00

  And it's easy to order, ship and assemble and maintain, James. The only way is the Cozy way.

• 40:49Speaker 01

  Visit Cozy today, that's C-O-Z-E-Y dot com and make yourself at home.

• 41:02Speaker 02

  Your dream side dish.

• 41:04Speaker 00

  I'm expecting this to be a main.

• 41:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I'm, yeah, because I, yeah, I, I.

• 41:09Speaker 00

  Or it is a.

• 41:09Speaker 02

  It's a side, it's a side. Um, uh, okra fries.

• 41:13Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 41:14Speaker 02

  Um, specifically from, there's a place called Bombay Spice in Kingsbury. That does okra fries that are like, that are like crack because they're so, it's like, you've got to get the fry right. So it's light but crispy. The seasoning is on point and they're so Moorish that, um, it's completely impractical. But my, I'll, I'll go over to my, um, parents for food and my, my mom will, will be like, where's dad? And it's like, he's, uh, I've sent him to Kingsbury in traffic because this restaurant won't do like Deliveroo or any kind of delivery. And he's been sent, uh, to get the, because also you want them while they're hot to pick food up.

• 41:58Speaker 02

  So, um, shout at dad for every time he's got to do that run.

• 42:01Speaker 01

  So of your parents, is your dad the softer touch? You know, you'll get him to go to Ki-Kingsbury, but your mum wouldn't do it?

• 42:07Speaker 02

  Uh, I wouldn't say he's the softer touch. I'd say, um, you know, he's got, he's, he's got an incentive in that situation, which is he's getting okra fries.

• 42:18Speaker 01

  He wants it.

• 42:18Speaker 00

  Now, what's the chances that your dad is eating some of the okra fries on the way home? Because.

• 42:23Speaker 02

  Extremely high.

• 42:24Speaker 00

  Because if that's me, I'm going, you've got, I'm, I'm saying it out loud, you've got to pay the piper.

• 42:29Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 42:30Speaker 00

  As I'm driving home.

• 42:31Speaker 02

  Oh, interesting.

• 42:32Speaker 00

  I'm even getting an extra portion of okra fries.

• 42:34Speaker 02

  That's exactly the phrase my dad used.

• 42:36Speaker 01

  I'm getting two portions, I'm eating one on the way.

• 42:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 42:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, what are you saying?

• 42:39Speaker 01

  Pay the piper.

• 42:40Speaker 02

  Pay the piper.

• 42:40Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 42:41Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, no doubt. I think, yeah, they're, they're probably a little bit lighter than they should be when they come back.

• 42:46Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 42:47Speaker 02

  You know, smart move because they get something for nothing.

• 42:50Speaker 01

  That's so good.

• 42:51Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, okra fries, yeah, I ju- if they were easier to source, I would acquire a portion for you. But, um, if you're ever in that, that neck of the woods, Bombay Spice.

• 43:02Speaker 01

  We've got to visit your parents, send your dad out for something.

• 43:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 43:05Speaker 00

  I'll go in the car with him.

• 43:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, keep an eye on him.

• 43:07Speaker 00

  Keep an eye on him and I'll hold, I'll hold the okra fries on the way back.

• 43:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, just.

• 43:11Speaker 00

  No, I ain't paying the piper mate.

• 43:12Speaker 02

  You, Mr Patel.

• 43:14Speaker 01

  I thought piper.

• 43:15Speaker 00

  Piper Patel.

• 43:15Speaker 02

  You'd have to address my, yeah, piper Patel.

• 43:18Speaker 01

  Are there other things when you visit your parents that like foods that you look forward to having nearby?

• 43:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, my mum's an incredible cook, so there's always something like, uh, has some of the charts really good, um, any like, any curries that she makes. And because I grew up, uh, I ate meat, I didn't eat beef, but I ate meat when I was growing up and then I went vegan initially about eight years ago and then I'd say I'm more veggie now. Um, and then this new thing, which is now that I've got a one year old, um, I've decided it's really important not to waste any food. So if she doesn't have all of her fish fingers, then I might slap one, but you know, that's fine.

• 44:03Speaker 01

  James, guess your baby. Yeah, do you remember that?

• 44:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was quite aggressive. Nick made, Nick made a point of saying, can you remind James that, um, that when we, we saw him at Glastonbury, um, so the.

• 44:17Speaker 01

  It's my favourite story.

• 44:18Speaker 02

  The situation is this, we were, we were at Glastonbury, did we, you and, you and Nish had just done like a.

• 44:24Speaker 01

  We just did a DJ set. We were pretty giddy, yeah.

• 44:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, I could, yeah, I remember that. And, and, and we're like, right, let's get some drinks and, and, and Nick said, not for me. And James just wandered straight over, got in her face and went, pregnant.

• 44:38Speaker 01

  I was right.

• 44:40Speaker 02

  You were right.

• 44:41Speaker 01

  So proud of yourself, weren't you? Really, I'm really proud. I, I, well, obviously you both laughed because it was such a rude thing to do. And I shouldn't have done it. It's so rude. People don't tell people for like loads of reasons. Yeah. And they want to keep it quiet. It wasn't just the drink, there was enough things building up to it that I was like, this is definitely what's happening. And normally I would keep that to myself and then afterwards say to my partner, I think that person might be pregnant. Yeah.

• 45:06Speaker 02

  No, you didn't do that.

• 45:07Speaker 01

  But instead, I was on a high for the DJ set. I was, I was loads of, loads of drink in me and I was like, you're pregnant. And then you both laughed and went, yeah, but we haven't told anyone yet. And I went, Nish?

• 45:24Speaker 01

  I figured it out and then the rest of the night, I just kept on going up to you guys and pointing at myself and going, I figured it out. I figured it out.

• 45:32Speaker 00

  Was that the night you met Andrew Garfield as well?

• 45:34Speaker 01

  Maybe. It might have been Garfield night. It was the same festival, definitely. It was the same weekend.

• 45:38Speaker 02

  Wasn't that when we ended up that evening at that, we ended up at one of the places that had like a salsa dancing competition, but it was also like.

• 45:44Speaker 01

  Rastro Latino.

• 45:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, but like really, like really aggressively sexual salsa dancing.

• 45:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was where I figured it out.

• 45:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 45:56Speaker 01

  I told you guys.

• 45:57Speaker 02

  Might have got pregnant.

• 45:58Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 45:59Speaker 00

  We always go. So many people were pregnant that night.

• 46:01Speaker 01

  We always go there to get the two can cocktails. This cocktail is really strong. It's great. We just drink that all the time. I'd had enough of those to call out someone for being pregnant.

• 46:10Speaker 02

  Call out. Yeah.

• 46:15Speaker 01

  What was nice about it for me was that I really should have felt mortified that I'd done that, but I was just, I just felt so good all night.

• 46:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:23Speaker 01

  But I've done it.

• 46:24Speaker 02

  Like reacting like a competition winner.

• 46:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, I was like, it's the best thing. I figured it out.

• 46:28Speaker 00

  And afterwards as well, to be fair, when you told me about it.

• 46:31Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 46:31Speaker 00

  It's not like he was ashamed of what he did.

• 46:33Speaker 01

  So guess what? I figured it out.

• 46:34Speaker 02

  It's like the sort of best version of guess how many sweets in the jar.

• 46:38Speaker 01

  Yeah. It was good because loads of times, you know, in life, you suspect that that might be happened.

• 46:44Speaker 00

  Suspect.

• 46:44Speaker 02

  Do you, but I thought you were gonna say loads of times you point at a woman and shout pregnant.

• 46:48Speaker 01

  Yeah. Sadly not.

• 46:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:49Speaker 01

  But like.

• 46:50Speaker 00

  It's the sort of terminology you're using, man.

• 46:52Speaker 01

  I'll be like, I'm suspicious. This person is pregnant.

• 46:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:55Speaker 01

  Uh, but I'm like, well, I can't, I can't ask them. So it just has to be that when they announce it, then I have to be one of those people goes, yes, I knew. But like, people be like, yeah, as if you did. And you can't ever call it, you can't ever go, hey.

• 47:08Speaker 02

  I feel like he's really using this, this episode to take his moment here.

• 47:11Speaker 01

  Yeah, you can't ever say to someone you're pregnant because it is rude. It's awful thing to do. Shouldn't be doing that.

• 47:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, good.

• 47:16Speaker 01

  But what a feeling to do it and be right. I loved it. It felt brilliant.

• 47:21Speaker 00

  I guessed it.

• 47:22Speaker 01

  I guessed it. I figured it out.

• 47:24Speaker 02

  I mean, how soon, but I mean, how soon after it happened did he tell you? Did he text you that night?

• 47:31Speaker 00

  No, I don't think so. I don't think so. I think it was a bit, a bit later on.

• 47:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:36Speaker 00

  I don't think, I don't think he got it out there to the general public immediately.

• 47:40Speaker 01

  No, I wasn't, I wasn't doing a PR campaign.

• 47:42Speaker 00

  I mean, you're lucky he's come off social media though, is what I'm saying.

• 47:44Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:44Speaker 01

  Oh, it would have been straight on there. I would have done a selfie with us and then tweeted, I figured it out this.

• 47:50Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 47:51Speaker 02

  Well, like, yeah, hatching, hatching egg emoji.

• 47:53Speaker 01

  Yeah. That could have been Pokemon though.

• 47:56Speaker 02

  Yeah, true.

• 47:57Speaker 01

  You know, to be fair, people see you and me together on the hatching egg, they think, oh, they've been hatching in Glastonbury.

• 48:01Speaker 02

  That's what's going on.

• 48:03Speaker 01

  Well, so, you know, send my regards to Nick.

• 48:05Speaker 02

  Thank you, I will.

• 48:06Speaker 01

  I regret nothing.

• 48:07Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 48:08Speaker 00

  And send my regards as well. I have nothing to regret.

• 48:11Speaker 02

  Um, no, she has very fond memories of, um, where, where were you guys for?

• 48:16Speaker 01

  The prison.

• 48:17Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:17Speaker 00

  Shrewsbury Prison we started in.

• 48:18Speaker 02

  Shrewsbury Prison, because she was on her own. And it has quite intense vibes in that, in, in.

• 48:24Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 48:24Speaker 00

  A lot of different characters in there.

• 48:25Speaker 02

  A lot of different characters, a lot of different energies.

• 48:27Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:28Speaker 02

  Um, apparently like the, the Speakmans in prison like cured Bobby Siegel of his fear of marmite or something. Yeah, yeah.

• 48:37Speaker 00

  They didn't. He was being polite.

• 48:38Speaker 01

  He was being polite, yeah.

• 48:39Speaker 02

  Well, yeah, there's one way to find out.

• 48:41Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:42Speaker 02

  Lure him on here and feed him some marmite.

• 48:44Speaker 01

  Bobby, Bobby Siegel on.

• 48:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 48:45Speaker 02

  Got to get him on here.

• 48:46Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:46Speaker 02

  Um.

• 48:47Speaker 01

  That's a no brainer.

• 48:48Speaker 02

  But, uh.

• 48:50Speaker 01

  And the Speakmans, copy that.

• 48:51Speaker 02

  Yeah. Speakmans would be often you gold.

• 48:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 48:55Speaker 00

  It's, I'd say having dinner with the Speakmans is the most I've ever laughed.

• 48:58Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 48:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, great.

• 49:00Speaker 00

  Uh, truly.

• 49:01Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Lot of really great, we won't tell any of them or spoil them in case we do get them on, but.

• 49:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 49:06Speaker 01

  Some of the best shit your pants stories. I've heard the stories about shitting themselves. Really good. I think that, that side dish sounds great.

• 49:14Speaker 02

  Great.

• 49:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, you're, you're hitting, you're hitting a lot of great things for me here.

• 49:17Speaker 02

  Good.

• 49:18Speaker 00

  The chili paneer, incredible.

• 49:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:20Speaker 00

  Aqua fries, heaven.

• 49:22Speaker 01

  And even just the shout out to samosa chat. I, I, I find that exciting. I love samosa chat.

• 49:27Speaker 02

  And, and the best thing about samosa chat as well is like, like the, the, the, it's almost like a ritual of assembling it because there are so many bits. You've got samosas, you've got all the different sauces, you've got the, the sev, which is like the savory, like kind of grain stuff. Um, all the herbs, all the chutneys. Um, yeah, my, I mean, like, like, uh, anyone who, who prepares it well, my mum is like insists on doing all of the steps to get, and, and which totally, totally worth it because then you get, you've got all that color, all that texture, all that flavor. Um, yeah.

• 50:00Speaker 00

  Shall we have some of those for the table? Are we allowed to do that in the dream, in the dream restaurant? We've never done it before.

• 50:05Speaker 01

  I got overruled by you and Ryan on the 200th episode when I was trying to order stuff for the table. You were adamant especially that I couldn't do that.

• 50:13Speaker 00

  It's because it's something that you wanted.

• 50:15Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 50:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:16Speaker 00

  And you do that, you do that in real life in restaurants as well.

• 50:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:19Speaker 02

  Can that be, is that an honour, does, can that be an honourable munchen?

• 50:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:23Speaker 02

  Some, some most a chart for the table?

• 50:24Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I think we upgraded from honourable munchen, which means, because honourable munchen means you don't get it.

• 50:28Speaker 02

  Oh, okay.

• 50:29Speaker 00

  But for the table.

• 50:30Speaker 02

  Let's get them out.

• 50:31Speaker 01

  I'd like some.

• 50:32Speaker 00

  Do the hand movement.

• 50:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:34Speaker 01

  Huh?

• 50:34Speaker 00

  Do the hand movement for the table.

• 50:36Speaker 01

  What?

• 50:36Speaker 00

  No, no, no, you do, you don't, you do something different when you say for the table.

• 50:39Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 50:41Speaker 02

  Right, yeah, yeah.

• 50:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 50:45Speaker 02

  Really, yeah, good, really detailed character work.

• 50:48Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 50:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:49Speaker 01

  Well, that's like, that's just, that's just me, my real, my normal life.

• 50:52Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 50:59Speaker 02

  Your dream drink. So it was gonna be chai.

• 51:04Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 51:04Speaker 02

  Just because I love it. And there's something, and also like, there's something re- really like, it smells of home.

• 51:12Speaker 01

  Mm hmm.

• 51:12Speaker 02

  You know, it smells of, uh, home specifically being like, like, it was a smell that kind of crept upstairs when I, when I was, um, when I live with my parents. But recently, I was at, um, the Shum of opened up a permit room, which is like, it's sort of like a restaurant, but it's also got like a club vibe and there are rooms you can stay upstairs. And they've just opened up one. Yeah, it's very cool.

• 51:37Speaker 01

  Didn't know that.

• 51:38Speaker 02

  In Portobello. Um, and they had a chai flavoured espresso martini.

• 51:45Speaker 00

  Whoa.

• 51:45Speaker 02

  So I'm getting one of them.

• 51:47Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 51:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's my drink.

• 51:49Speaker 01

  When did you have this?

• 51:50Speaker 02

  Uh, I had it on Thursday.

• 51:51Speaker 01

  So this is fresh?

• 51:52Speaker 02

  Fresh.

• 51:53Speaker 00

  You're still awake from then?

• 51:54Speaker 02

  Still awake.

• 51:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 51:55Speaker 02

  Yeah. But also like new dad, it's a, it's a no brainer drink, you know, like where most people are going like, oh, I mustn't because it'll rev me up. I'm like, no, this is, this will keep me functioning.

• 52:04Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 52:04Speaker 02

  Um, so yeah, the, the chai espresso martini is my drink.

• 52:10Speaker 01

  And what's the, um, because I've never had this, what's the balance of like, how are the, are the balance in the flavors there?

• 52:15Speaker 02

  I didn't, to be fair, I didn't, I didn't see them mix it up, but you can get. So I imagine there's something about uh using, almost using the masala as like a, like a seasoning. Um but like what goes into chai masala and it's one of the things I did when I was bored during lockdown. Cause I was like sourdough sounds like way too much effort, but I can, I can whizz a bunch of whole spices up. But then you've got like stuff like um cardamom, cinnamon, um and then a lot of the like peppery or uh tastes. Is that word? I don't know. Um and then some people add like rose petals. So like the, the main thing is you want a nice.

• 52:55Speaker 02

  Uh you want, yeah, you, a lot of it's for smell as well as taste. Yeah. Chai espresso martini is my drink.

• 53:01Speaker 00

  It sounds like a great way to upgrade the espresso martini as well.

• 53:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause I'm fun of it to drink, but like sometimes, especially because they're so popular now. Sometimes you, you can have one and you're like, yeah, I can taste the coffee. This is gonna keep me awake. But it's a little bit like watery or.

• 53:16Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh God, you can get some really ropey ones now. You want it to have that thick mouth feel. And you want the good, the good foam on the top.

• 53:22Speaker 02

  Definitely.

• 53:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 53:24Speaker 01

  I could start doing proper like all the different Starbucks orders.

• 53:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:28Speaker 01

  And, and an espresso martini.

• 53:29Speaker 02

  Great.

• 53:30Speaker 01

  Have a whole. Huh?

• 53:31Speaker 00

  Take us through them.

• 53:32Speaker 01

  Flat white.

• 53:33Speaker 00

  Is that a milky espresso martini?

• 53:35Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 53:35Speaker 00

  I think that'd work.

• 53:36Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Latte.

• 53:39Speaker 00

  Same one.

• 53:40Speaker 01

  Bigger.

• 53:44Speaker 02

  It's a bigger.

• 53:45Speaker 00

  When I asked you to take, take us through them, that wasn't me like actively dropping you in it. That wasn't my idea to be like, oh, he's not gonna have anything up his sleeve here. I thought you thought about it.

• 53:54Speaker 02

  No.

• 53:55Speaker 00

  No.

• 53:57Speaker 01

  No, I just found an idea out there.

• 53:58Speaker 02

  Off the top of the dome, no?

• 53:59Speaker 01

  Cortado.

• 54:00Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:01Speaker 01

  What's that?

• 54:02Speaker 00

  Frappuccino.

• 54:03Speaker 02

  Baby chino.

• 54:04Speaker 00

  Baby chino.

• 54:05Speaker 02

  Maybe that. I don't know.

• 54:06Speaker 01

  Espresso martini for the babies.

• 54:10Speaker 02

  Yeah, I didn't think that one through really. I mean, maybe, maybe without the sort of, you know, without the kahlua.

• 54:15Speaker 00

  Hmm. But the vodka, yeah?

• 54:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, keep vodka. Yeah.

• 54:18Speaker 01

  The vodka in there.

• 54:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:20Speaker 01

  Um I mean, I don't really know all the, uh, uh, there are loads of Starbucks things, but I, I mean, a lot of the Starbucks orders are kind of creative. It's like brown sugar, creme brulee, coffee and stuff.

• 54:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:30Speaker 00

  They're trying to kill people.

• 54:31Speaker 01

  I'd have that in a.

• 54:32Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 54:33Speaker 01

  Espresso martini, sure. But really, that, those are the kind of Starbucks orders I only ever try in an airport.

• 54:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:39Speaker 01

  Because I've convinced myself that.

• 54:41Speaker 02

  Are they available? Like in like freely in the UK or that that feels like something you've got to be in.

• 54:49Speaker 00

  I think you can get some pretty cra- you can get some pretty crazy stuff in the UK from Starbucks. I mean, I would never order it. You see people come out of there with like these like glowing drinks.

• 54:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 54:57Speaker 00

  With like where they put the cream on, but they've not thought about putting the lid on. And then they put the lid on, the cream's all pushing up against it. And like, there's a hole in the top of the straw. It's almost like squirting out the top.

• 55:07Speaker 02

  No.

• 55:08Speaker 00

  Absolutely disgusting. These tiny teenagers walking around drinking it and like, enjoy it now, guys.

• 55:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:13Speaker 00

  You're not going to get away with that in a few years.

• 55:15Speaker 01

  Tiny teenagers are absolutely loving Starbucks right now.

• 55:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 55:18Speaker 01

  They just go in there and get all the faffetinas, all the cold stuff. It's basically a milkshake.

• 55:22Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 55:22Speaker 01

  But they get to feel like they're adults and they will go, I always queue at Starbucks once, just they queue behind about a million tiny teenagers.

• 55:29Speaker 00

  Yeah. And how are they not just shitting their guts out after they drink?

• 55:32Speaker 01

  I bet they shit their guts out. I bet it's cool these days.

• 55:35Speaker 00

  Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's probably cool. They probably make a TikTok of themselves shitting their guts out.

• 55:38Speaker 01

  Yeah. Do you see that episode of Adolescence when they're shitting their guts out?

• 55:42Speaker 00

  One shot.

• 55:42Speaker 02

  No, I didn't. Well, yeah, I was gonna say, well, yeah, I didn't. No, I missed that. I am.

• 55:48Speaker 00

  The way they do it is they start with a drone when they're shitting and it goes all the way into the toilet.

• 55:52Speaker 01

  Yeah, all the way through the toilet, through the bend and then out another toilet and another.

• 55:56Speaker 02

  And then into like, into like the thing that they do, like when they examine your stomach and then all the way.

• 56:01Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it flies out the mouth and then flies over there and then Stephen Graham's crying.

• 56:07Speaker 01

  Yeah. Stephen Graham's going Starbucks going, who's to blame for this? Maybe it's Starbucks.

• 56:14Speaker 02

  Maybe.

• 56:15Speaker 00

  Maybe it's me.

• 56:16Speaker 01

  I did a very bad misstep at a gig last night where I I I had to open for a band. I'd agreed to do this and it's.

• 56:25Speaker 02

  Comedy opening for a band.

• 56:26Speaker 01

  It's usually a cursed thing you shouldn't do, but I love the band so much, I agreed to do it.

• 56:29Speaker 00

  What band was this?

• 56:30Speaker 01

  Um, it's a musician called Seb Rockford. It's his new band. He's a jazz drummer. It's one of my favorite, one of my favorite drummers.

• 56:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:36Speaker 00

  Good gig.

• 56:36Speaker 01

  Very excited. Uh.

• 56:38Speaker 00

  The things you say yes to, man.

• 56:40Speaker 01

  Yeah. Hey, it was it was fun.

• 56:42Speaker 00

  He says no to so much good stuff. It's always no, straight away.

• 56:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:45Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 56:46Speaker 00

  And he said yes to supporting a jazz drummer and doing celebrity catchphrase.

• 56:49Speaker 01

  That's tomorrow. I can't wait.

• 56:51Speaker 00

  I can never.

• 56:51Speaker 02

  I was gonna say, okay, is your recording tomorrow?

• 56:53Speaker 01

  Yeah, I played along with it at the gym. I'm looking forward to go do it.

• 56:55Speaker 00

  I can't keep tabs on what.

• 56:57Speaker 02

  What's wrong with saying yes to celebrity catchphrase?

• 56:59Speaker 00

  Nothing, nothing. But I can absolutely never have a handle on what he would enjoy doing or what he's gonna say yes to.

• 57:05Speaker 01

  When I said yes to Hunt, he couldn't believe it.

• 57:06Speaker 00

  Yeah. Nothing wrong with doing catchphrase at all. I love catchphrase. But James has said yes to it. Are you kidding me?

• 57:14Speaker 01

  Well, look, I said yes to supporting the band.

• 57:17Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah. You're the jazz drummer, so you must, you must be doing celebrity catchphrase if you're supporting a jazz drummer.

• 57:22Speaker 01

  For my life.

• 57:23Speaker 00

  Work out what your personality is.

• 57:28Speaker 01

  Your dream dessert. Very exciting.

• 57:31Speaker 02

  This is where, so I've, I've imagined this. So Genie's, Genie's gonna have to magic it, magic it into existence.

• 57:42Speaker 02

  We got served at our wedding, the caterers offered the option of chocolate samosas.

• 57:51Speaker 01

  Oh, wow.

• 57:52Speaker 02

  So samosas, so like, you know, you get all the delight of like, I mean, chomping off the corners of, of a samosa and the texture of that. But basically filled with Nutella. And a, and a dollop of ice cream at the end of a meal. But then to kind of go left with that a bit, someone I know very well, who I won't out, recently was regaling me with stories about how they had a great time doing mushroom chocolate. So I would like.

• 58:21Speaker 00

  That's drugs, by the way.

• 58:22Speaker 02

  That's drugs.

• 58:23Speaker 01

  Drugs.

• 58:24Speaker 00

  Not just, not like button mushrooms.

• 58:26Speaker 01

  Yes.

• 58:26Speaker 02

  Yeah, not like.

• 58:28Speaker 01

  My mum, who listens to this podcast.

• 58:30Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah.

• 58:30Speaker 01

  Just had mushroom chocolate. Went, oh.

• 58:31Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 58:32Speaker 00

  Oh, interesting.

• 58:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, I mean, I mean, it is interesting, but you know.

• 58:35Speaker 01

  Don't do it. Don't do it, mum.

• 58:36Speaker 02

  You need a responsible adult with you. Or a genie.

• 58:41Speaker 02

  Magic mushroom chocolate.

• 58:42Speaker 00

  Definitely done mushrooms.

• 58:43Speaker 01

  What?

• 58:44Speaker 00

  Your mum's definitely.

• 58:44Speaker 01

  What are you talking about?

• 58:45Speaker 00

  She's been a shroom head in the past.

• 58:46Speaker 02

  What's your mum's name?

• 58:47Speaker 01

  My mum's not a shroom head.

• 58:48Speaker 02

  You don't know that.

• 58:49Speaker 00

  Your mum was on shrimps when she did that impression of me the other day.

• 58:53Speaker 01

  She did the impression of Ed.

• 58:54Speaker 02

  What was the, can you give a flavour of the impression?

• 58:56Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I filmed it. I sent it to Ed because she was, we were, we were talking about off menus. So she's the impression of Ed. It was a, what's your name, little bro?

• 59:07Speaker 00

  Didn't sound anything like me.

• 59:09Speaker 02

  But that's, that's why it's, that's why it's so fun.

• 59:12Speaker 00

  Yeah, it was a fun impression, but it's just the idea that

• 59:15Speaker 02

  Are they words you've ever said?

• 59:16Speaker 00

  To, to James's mum, I'm using the, the phrase little bro all the time.

• 59:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:20Speaker 00

  I go, what you means little bro?

• 59:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's kind of what you're like. I think my mum imagines you with a bat with a baseball cap. Yeah, yeah, it's the Steve Buscemi skateboard.

• 59:28Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

• 59:30Speaker 02

  Fellow kids vibe.

• 59:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's how she imagines it.

• 59:33Speaker 00

  So what you deserved, little bro?

• 59:35Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah, magic mushroom chocolate samosas. So, you know, you can, you can have a, you can continue, continue to have a good time.

• 59:43Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 59:43Speaker 02

  After the meal.

• 59:44Speaker 00

  Here's, here's what I think about drugs.

• 59:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:47Speaker 01

  Oh, here we go.

• 59:48Speaker 00

  No, here's what I think about drugs in food.

• 59:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:52Speaker 00

  If you put drugs in something delicious that you definitely want more of, is the issue that your hunger and cravings are going to take over, then you end up having too much of the drugs.

• 1:00:01Speaker 02

  Almost certainly, which is why, because in the dream restaurant, you've got a genie looking after you. I would entrust the genie with basically making safe.

• 1:00:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:00:15Speaker 02

  You know?

• 1:00:16Speaker 00

  Which is not a phrase you'd want to say if you were normally taking drugs. If you were like, if someone said you've had too many of those, you go, don't worry, the genie's keeping you safe.

• 1:00:23Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, well, he's had, yeah. Portion control's not been great on this one. I, I completely hear you. And look, this is, this is untried territory. I also don't know, like, having never had mushroom chocolate, does it taste nice? Cause I don't want to, I don't want to, you know, throw off the, um, the integrity of a good chocolate samosa.

• 1:00:45Speaker 00

  Of course, yeah.

• 1:00:46Speaker 02

  But dream version, it tastes delicious. You get a little buzz. You might see some.

• 1:00:51Speaker 01

  Have you done mushrooms before?

• 1:00:52Speaker 02

  I haven't done mushrooms before.

• 1:00:53Speaker 01

  So what was it about your friend's story that made you go?

• 1:00:56Speaker 02

  It made me go, oh, I'd quite like to do mushrooms.

• 1:00:59Speaker 00

  Especially in chocolate form.

• 1:01:00Speaker 02

  Maybe I'll do it in the dream restaurant.

• 1:01:03Speaker 01

  See with that.

• 1:01:03Speaker 02

  With a responsible, because they, you know, um, people that I've spoken to that, that have done it say, do it with someone who is not partaking. So that they can sort of. You know, make sure that you're not doing anything.

• 1:01:18Speaker 01

  I mean, it should be someone who's already done the drug, right?

• 1:01:22Speaker 02

  Yeah, that would help, not, not someone who's completely out of their depths.

• 1:01:25Speaker 01

  Cause I'm, I'm gonna be so out of my depth.

• 1:01:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:27Speaker 01

  I'm gonna try my best and I, I hope my genie powers will come into play somehow, but like, I've never done a drug.

• 1:01:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:34Speaker 01

  Apart from, I'm an alcoholic.

• 1:01:35Speaker 00

  And if he's around people who have done drugs.

• 1:01:37Speaker 02

  We know what you're like on alcohol, for goodness sake, yeah.

• 1:01:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. I'd have been a nightmare at that.

• 1:01:41Speaker 00

  I figured it out.

• 1:01:42Speaker 02

  Preggo shame in left hand.

• 1:01:43Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:45Speaker 00

  Also, if James is around people who've done drugs, he will shout at them for having done the drugs.

• 1:01:49Speaker 01

  Well, I'm gonna tell them off. I just, I just.

• 1:01:51Speaker 00

  You are, you are a junkie.

• 1:01:53Speaker 01

  It's like, oh yeah, yeah, that's funny.

• 1:01:54Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:01:55Speaker 02

  Would you, okay, so.

• 1:01:56Speaker 01

  Especially if it's just weed or something. They, they got a problem and they're an addict.

• 1:02:02Speaker 02

  So would that, would that be the case if, if I were, if I ended the meal in your restaurant?

• 1:02:07Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:02:08Speaker 02

  With a little trip on some choc- mushroom chocolates and mimosas, would you? Cause in my, in my head, I was like, it's fine, the genie's gonna look after me, but it's, it's gonna be tiring if you're looking after me, but also just constantly pointing at me going, you're a junkie.

• 1:02:20Speaker 01

  You're, you're got a problem. I, I think, cause you're in my restaurant, I would be very nice to you, but at the end, when I put you in a cab, I would secretly send it to the priory.

• 1:02:29Speaker 02

  Cab, okay, yeah, great, yeah.

• 1:02:31Speaker 00

  You'd be straight to the priory.

• 1:02:32Speaker 02

  There's rules as well, it's like, okay.

• 1:02:34Speaker 01

  So be a little funny joke at the end for me, that I know you're going to the priory, you think you're going home.

• 1:02:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:38Speaker 00

  You'd be there with all the other off-menu guests who've picked drugs on their menu.

• 1:02:41Speaker 01

  Mike Skinner, Dan Aykroyd.

• 1:02:43Speaker 02

  I mean, tell me more.

• 1:02:45Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:02:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:45Speaker 00

  I might be, yeah, there's not, there's not many.

• 1:02:47Speaker 02

  Who's, who, who's first?

• 1:02:48Speaker 01

  Mike Skinner.

• 1:02:49Speaker 02

  Mike Skinner and Dan Aykroyd, great.

• 1:02:50Speaker 00

  That's actually pretty good, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:02:52Speaker 01

  Nice little gang, the three of you. I'd, I'd watch whatever TV show that is, it's got the three of you in it.

• 1:02:57Speaker 02

  Uh, did they pick mushrooms?

• 1:02:59Speaker 01

  No, they picked a, a sativa blunt for Dan Aykroyd.

• 1:03:03Speaker 02

  Yeah, great.

• 1:03:04Speaker 01

  Uh, it's like a, it's more weed, but for, for Mike Skinner, that was like a little starter.

• 1:03:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, nice.

• 1:03:12Speaker 01

  Cushy punch.

• 1:03:13Speaker 02

  Cushy punch.

• 1:03:14Speaker 01

  Mango cushy punch. Sounds.

• 1:03:16Speaker 00

  That'd be a good hang in the rehab centre, yeah.

• 1:03:19Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:21Speaker 02

  It doesn't sound too like, yeah, as, as, it's kind of like, I mean, I'm imagining as far as, as rehab hangs go, you know, Mike Skinner and Dan Akroyd doing a bit of weed and me sort of imagining, because I'm seeing James's face shouting at my wife in a cloud or something.

• 1:03:39Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:03:40Speaker 00

  I reckon you'd, if you'd be the least cool guy in rehab though, if you go in there for chocolate samosas.

• 1:03:44Speaker 02

  That would stand anyway with those two, but.

• 1:03:48Speaker 01

  Can't get enough of chocolate samosas with mushrooms in them.

• 1:03:51Speaker 02

  Who invited this guy?

• 1:03:52Speaker 01

  Quite hard to get hold of actually, I don't know how he's developed a habit.

• 1:03:58Speaker 01

  From mushroom chocolate samosas, a dessert that he invented.

• 1:04:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:02Speaker 01

  Would you like all the wedding guests there as well to have the samosas with you, the mushroom chocolate samosas?

• 1:04:07Speaker 02

  I mean, yeah, if they're, yeah, if we're all doing it together, it'd be really hectic if I was the only one doing it and they were sort of watching me freak out.

• 1:04:17Speaker 00

  You could offer them and then if someone turns them down, you could go, I figured it out.

• 1:04:20Speaker 01

  I figured it out.

• 1:04:21Speaker 02

  Figured it out.

• 1:04:22Speaker 01

  So if your parents, I imagine, were at the wedding, you want them to have those samosas with the mushrooms in them?

• 1:04:28Speaker 02

  Okay, they've got to be careful now. I think, I think a very gentle dose.

• 1:04:34Speaker 01

  Who do you think will be able to hack it the most out of your mum and dad?

• 1:04:37Speaker 02

  I sort of know, it would be, my mum would be able to hack it.

• 1:04:40Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:41Speaker 02

  But then my dad, having said, no, not for me, would then get really into it.

• 1:04:47Speaker 01

  Hear the feet and one in the car on the way home.

• 1:04:48Speaker 02

  We went, yeah, exactly. Yeah. And yeah, my dad, my dad would be saying, you've got to pay the pipe.

• 1:04:53Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:04:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, that, that's the dynamic and mum's, mum's review when we're, when we're all debriefing in the priory would be.

• 1:05:04Speaker 00

  Oh, there goes the priory as well, aren't they?

• 1:05:05Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, yeah, yeah. Um, yeah, if, if I'm going to hang out with Mike Skinner and Dan Akroyd, then I might just, yeah.

• 1:05:13Speaker 00

  Bring your parents.

• 1:05:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'm not, I'm already, I'm already the least cool guy there. I'll bring my mum and dad.

• 1:05:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, I I think that'd be the dynamic. Mum would be like, yeah, it didn't really do anything for me and be fine. Dad would dad would get get involved.

• 1:05:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:28Speaker 02

  It's gonna be an interesting, uh, interesting one for them to listen to this. Really delicious meal and then and then he's like, oh, okay, a son has a deep yearning to have psychedelics.

• 1:05:41Speaker 00

  Yeah, it sounds like you're being sensible about it as well.

• 1:05:44Speaker 02

  Well, you know, I, you know, it's a, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm curious. I think it'd be a good experience.

• 1:05:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:05:51Speaker 02

  And crucially, we've got, I'm, I'm taking advantage of the fact that I've got my own genie, who, who I'm also tasking with the responsibility of, of making sure that I don't go too far and I don't end up in the project.

• 1:06:02Speaker 00

  How, I mean, how does this sound? If we bring you a plate of chocolate samosas.

• 1:06:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:06Speaker 00

  And some of, like, there's maybe two, yeah, there's like two that have got, so you can keep eating them, but only certain ones have mush- mushrooms in.

• 1:06:15Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 1:06:16Speaker 00

  Cause then that that'll probably keep you safe.

• 1:06:18Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm into that.

• 1:06:20Speaker 01

  If you like, I think instead of me looking after you, I'm gonna magic into the restaurant Simon Amstall, who we've, we've had on the podcast and is very, he knows all about this stuff. He would be able to help you out and make sure you're okay.

• 1:06:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:06:35Speaker 01

  And I, I think he would resist.

• 1:06:38Speaker 02

  Yeah, Simon would be great. So he'd be a, he'd be.

• 1:06:40Speaker 00

  He'd also resist your menu because he's got shit tasting food.

• 1:06:44Speaker 01

  He'd like it. He's vegetarian.

• 1:06:45Speaker 02

  He's, he's, he's vegan, right?

• 1:06:46Speaker 00

  He's not having the paner.

• 1:06:47Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah, he's vegan, yeah.

• 1:06:49Speaker 02

  Tell me off, um, now that I'm vegan, not veggie. Sorry, Simon. Uh, veggie, not vegan.

• 1:06:53Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:06:54Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:54Speaker 02

  But that's fine. Yeah, if.

• 1:06:56Speaker 00

  As long as he doesn't do it when you're.

• 1:06:57Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:06:58Speaker 00

  Buzzing.

• 1:06:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:00Speaker 00

  You don't want that.

• 1:07:01Speaker 02

  What, just being scolded by Simon?

• 1:07:02Speaker 00

  Yeah, him telling you about loads of chicks being sent into a grinder while you're trying to have a nice time with the chocolate samosa.

• 1:07:09Speaker 02

  No, thanks.

• 1:07:09Speaker 00

  You're shrooming off your noggin and Simon Amstall's saying, why are you taking milk from that baby?

• 1:07:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, then you're imagining a baby and having the milk taken from it. I think you're like, it was our fault.

• 1:07:19Speaker 02

  I'm here to be reminded about.

• 1:07:21Speaker 01

  Adolescence was our fault for taking the milk from the babies. We hadn't done that. I'm gonna read your menu back to you now, see how you feel about it.

• 1:07:28Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 1:07:29Speaker 01

  Uh, you would like Stillwater with a long sliced cuke. Poppin' on some bread, you would like roti chanae from Penang.

• 1:07:37Speaker 02

  Correct.

• 1:07:38Speaker 01

  Starter are chila quiles.

• 1:07:41Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:07:42Speaker 01

  Main course, a generous portion of chili paneer. Side dish, okra fries from Bombay Spice. Some most a chart for the table.

• 1:07:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:50Speaker 01

  But he has written Paul La Table.

• 1:07:52Speaker 02

  Very good.

• 1:07:53Speaker 01

  And I imagine he would want me to point that out.

• 1:07:54Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:55Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:07:56Speaker 02

  Proud of it.

• 1:07:56Speaker 01

  Definitely got pleasure from that when he wrote that down.

• 1:07:58Speaker 00

  Something a sixty year old man would say.

• 1:08:00Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:03Speaker 00

  Paul La Table followed by have you seen the latest Top Gear?

• 1:08:08Speaker 01

  My YouTube seems to think I love Top Gear.

• 1:08:12Speaker 01

  It's a new thing.

• 1:08:13Speaker 00

  You keep clicking on it though. Have you watched any of the videos?

• 1:08:16Speaker 01

  Clicked on one of them, so that's my. It was phrased like it was James May slagging off Clarkson. I was like, I wanna see that if there's a rift in the.

• 1:08:24Speaker 00

  Have you watched it?

• 1:08:25Speaker 01

  And I watched it, but now.

• 1:08:27Speaker 00

  But that's how algorithms work. This is like people posting on the videos going, why am I seeing these videos so much? Like, cause you keep fucking posting under them saying, why am I seeing?

• 1:08:34Speaker 01

  Why did I click on it once?

• 1:08:36Speaker 02

  One video of a tractor race in the pool and suddenly.

• 1:08:40Speaker 01

  It was a, I mean, it was a post Top Gear interview.

• 1:08:43Speaker 00

  I know, I know why I get top five Karens.

• 1:08:47Speaker 00

  Cause I watch them and I love watching them.

• 1:08:48Speaker 01

  You love watching Karen videos?

• 1:08:49Speaker 00

  Top five Karens.

• 1:08:51Speaker 02

  What? Yeah.

• 1:08:53Speaker 01

  What are you talking about?

• 1:08:53Speaker 02

  That for us, what, what, what's required to be a top five Karen?

• 1:08:56Speaker 00

  Do you mean just? Ladies getting angry.

• 1:08:58Speaker 01

  So, yeah, so it's.

• 1:08:59Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:08:59Speaker 01

  Specifically.

• 1:09:00Speaker 00

  Car wind screens and stuff.

• 1:09:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:09:03Speaker 00

  I love Karens.

• 1:09:04Speaker 01

  Didn't know that about you. Just learned something new about Eddie loves Karens. He loves, if they're ranked as well.

• 1:09:10Speaker 00

  Yeah. I very rarely agree with the rankings.

• 1:09:13Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. Rankings are annoying.

• 1:09:15Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:09:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:09:16Speaker 01

  When you're watching about anything, you're like, how is this number one?

• 1:09:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, cause they also open with the best ones to keep you watching the video.

• 1:09:21Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:21Speaker 00

  And that's number five.

• 1:09:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:09:22Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:09:22Speaker 00

  So number one's rubbish.

• 1:09:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, absolutely rubbish. They've got, I, I, the amount of times I fall for clickbait, I'm getting so annoyed at myself. It says, you might believe this amazing story that.

• 1:09:35Speaker 02

  So basic, that's the most basic clip, mate.

• 1:09:37Speaker 01

  I fall for it. I fall for it every time.

• 1:09:39Speaker 00

  Oh, let's see if I believe this amazing story.

• 1:09:41Speaker 01

  Yeah, oh no, it's the most boring thing I've ever heard.

• 1:09:45Speaker 02

  Turns out I did believe it.

• 1:09:46Speaker 01

  Yeah. Yeah. Drink chai flavoured espresso martini from Deshume.

• 1:09:50Speaker 02

  Correct.

• 1:09:51Speaker 01

  Dessert, magic mushroom chocolate samosas. With a little scoop of ice cream.

• 1:09:55Speaker 02

  With a little scoop of ice cream.

• 1:09:56Speaker 00

  Fantastic.

• 1:09:57Speaker 01

  Simon Amstell.

• 1:09:58Speaker 02

  And maybe Simon Amstell is like, is my sort of like shaman for the evening.

• 1:10:02Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. You're shaman, but not shaming you for not being vegan anymore.

• 1:10:08Speaker 00

  He did nice. Carry on, yeah. You didn't need to carry on. Because shaman not shaming was beautiful.

• 1:10:16Speaker 01

  Yeah, some listeners may have needed this one. It's not just us in the room, is it?

• 1:10:20Speaker 00

  We're trying to get rid of those listeners.

• 1:10:22Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:10:23Speaker 02

  Mexican listeners might have needed the contact.

• 1:10:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:10:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:10:27Speaker 01

  But.

• 1:10:27Speaker 00

  Our Mexican listener, yeah.

• 1:10:29Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah. But the people in Jersey, that was for you. The explanation.

• 1:10:35Speaker 00

  Well, gracias, much gracias.

• 1:10:37Speaker 02

  Thank you very much.

• 1:10:38Speaker 00

  To you, Nikesh.

• 1:10:39Speaker 01

  Thank you, Nikesh. It's been a pleasure. I mean, I feel like there's stuff I should apologise for, but I'm not going to.

• 1:10:45Speaker 00

  I don't think, yeah.

• 1:10:45Speaker 02

  When you're shouting, pregnant?

• 1:10:47Speaker 01

  Yeah. For example, beating you, hunted.

• 1:10:52Speaker 00

  Yeah, thrashing you.

• 1:10:54Speaker 01

  Threading you, hunted.

• 1:10:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:10:55Speaker 00

  I beat you even more because I lasted longer than James.

• 1:10:57Speaker 02

  He did, yeah.

• 1:10:59Speaker 01

  Yeah, he did. I'd go and watch the glass menagerie with my parents.

• 1:11:03Speaker 00

  James had to go to the, uh, see a play with his parents and I sat behind the climbing wall longer for the entirety of your time on the show.

• 1:11:09Speaker 02

  Was it, was it a good, was it a good production of, was it, did you enjoy? No?

• 1:11:13Speaker 01

  No.

• 1:11:14Speaker 02

  Who was in it?

• 1:11:15Speaker 01

  Amy Adams.

• 1:11:16Speaker 02

  Was she good?

• 1:11:16Speaker 01

  I love Amy Adams, yeah, but, uh.

• 1:11:18Speaker 02

  Not the glass menage?

• 1:11:19Speaker 01

  I think there's the, the production in general, I thought, I thought all the actors were really good.

• 1:11:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:23Speaker 01

  Uh, the actual thing, I was like, I don't know, I don't know why we're doing this. But then I was like, still thinking like I was on the run.

• 1:11:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:30Speaker 01

  So I don't, I don't know if, uh.

• 1:11:32Speaker 02

  They, they sort of say that to you when you go in, you're like, and you know, you, you can feel a, you might, you might feel a bit weird coming out of it. And it, and when you're, when you haven't played the game yet, you're like, that's a, that's, that sounds comical. But then you do, like, for the longest time, it's just like, uh, walking past security cameras.

• 1:11:52Speaker 02

  And like constantly being aware of like, who can see me?

• 1:11:55Speaker 01

  Jumping in white vans.

• 1:11:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:56Speaker 01

  Just really nearly. Oh no, hold on.

• 1:11:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:11:59Speaker 01

  Shouldn't be doing.

• 1:12:00Speaker 02

  No, don't do that.

• 1:12:02Speaker 00

  Well, thank you very much to come to the dream restaurant, Nikesh.

• 1:12:04Speaker 02

  Thank you very much for having me.

• 1:12:05Speaker 01

  Thank you, Nikesh.

• 1:12:06Speaker 00

  Thank you, Nikesh.

• 1:12:12Speaker 00

  There we are, James, Nikesh Patel.

• 1:12:15Speaker 01

  What a delicious menu.

• 1:12:16Speaker 00

  Cracking menu. I love paneer, man.

• 1:12:18Speaker 01

  Yeah, I love all those things. I would steer clear of the drugs.

• 1:12:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, I didn't say it at the time because I didn't want to seem like a dweeb around such a cool drugs guy. But I'm, why bother now?

• 1:12:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, we can't start doing drugs now.

• 1:12:33Speaker 00

  You're 40, I'm basically 40.

• 1:12:35Speaker 01

  Yeah, I think doing drugs now is the stupidest time of your life to start doing them.

• 1:12:39Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 1:12:40Speaker 01

  I think when you're young or when you're really old.

• 1:12:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah. Although I'd say like, I feel like 40 is the time I'm going to start removing things from my life rather than adding them.

• 1:12:48Speaker 01

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you thinking of removing?

• 1:12:51Speaker 00

  Baseball caps, I think was on my list.

• 1:12:53Speaker 01

  Oh, but then my mum won't know how to imagine you.

• 1:12:58Speaker 01

  Be hard.

• 1:12:58Speaker 00

  But I've been buying a lot of caps recently, so I think I'm clinging on to 39 pretty hard.

• 1:13:03Speaker 01

  Yeah, well, you got, you got, you know, pretty much a year left.

• 1:13:05Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:13:06Speaker 01

  Been in your 30s.

• 1:13:07Speaker 00

  I can't see, I think I thought I'd be wearing suits by this point.

• 1:13:11Speaker 01

  Sure.

• 1:13:12Speaker 00

  But when am I gonna, you know?

• 1:13:13Speaker 01

  Well, you got this suit fitting soon.

• 1:13:16Speaker 00

  Yeah, but I'm not going to wear it all the time, but I'd love to be, you know, we had Paul Feig on this podcast.

• 1:13:21Speaker 01

  Oh, yeah.

• 1:13:21Speaker 00

  He looks so great all the time, but when did he start doing that is what I want to know.

• 1:13:24Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:13:25Speaker 00

  When do you make the leap?

• 1:13:26Speaker 01

  Yeah, because like, I mean, Tom Neenan's been doing it forever.

• 1:13:29Speaker 00

  Yeah, since he was a baby.

• 1:13:31Speaker 01

  Yeah, so yeah, don't have to even think about it.

• 1:13:33Speaker 00

  Yeah, I should have done it earlier, shouldn't I?

• 1:13:35Speaker 01

  Should have done it earlier. You could become a suit guy. I was saying this actually, but while we're, well, I've just come back from holiday. And on holiday, I saw a man in a suit eating an ice cream. And I thought, that could be me.

• 1:13:47Speaker 00

  Yeah, still, you still get to have ice cream.

• 1:13:49Speaker 01

  Still get to have ice cream. I didn't know that they're still on the table.

• 1:13:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:13:52Speaker 01

  So like, I said to my girlfriend, maybe I should start wearing suits. And she really laughed and she told other people about it. It was a very funny thing I said.

• 1:14:01Speaker 00

  So that's not going to happen for years.

• 1:14:02Speaker 01

  I don't think that's going to happen for me either. No.

• 1:14:05Speaker 00

  Oh, well, maybe I'll wait for some sort of horrific life event and then start wearing suits so people can't mention it.

• 1:14:10Speaker 01

  Something for the listeners to look forward to.

• 1:14:11Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:12Speaker 01

  If you see Ed in the photo, you know a horrific life event has taken place.

• 1:14:16Speaker 00

  Things gone mad.

• 1:14:18Speaker 01

  Nick, I should not choose Hunter's Chicken.

• 1:14:20Speaker 00

  No, he didn't.

• 1:14:20Speaker 01

  That would have been a horrific life event if he had done that.

• 1:14:22Speaker 00

  And he's veggie. I didn't know that, so.

• 1:14:24Speaker 01

  Yeah, so that was never gonna happen.

• 1:14:25Speaker 00

  Never gonna happen.

• 1:14:27Speaker 01

  Unless he'd said, you know, Hunter's Chicken, but hold the chicken, hold the bacon. Just cheese and barbecue sauce, please.

• 1:14:33Speaker 00

  Which we definitely would have kicked him out for.

• 1:14:34Speaker 01

  Yeah, that's even worse.

• 1:14:36Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:14:36Speaker 01

  The worst part is barbecue sauce.

• 1:14:38Speaker 00

  Cheese on a plate with barbecue sauce.

• 1:14:40Speaker 01

  Yeah, oh no. Who chose cheese on a plate? Charlotte Church.

• 1:14:43Speaker 00

  Well, she talked about cheese on a plate, certainly.

• 1:14:45Speaker 01

  Yeah.

• 1:14:46Speaker 00

  I don't know if she picked it. Did she?

• 1:14:49Speaker 01

  Benito says yes.

• 1:14:50Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 1:14:51Speaker 01

  Whatever Benito says is usually gospel. Well, lads, it's been a pleasure as always. I love to talk to you.

• 1:14:59Speaker 00

  Well, as you two James does. I suppose we'll return again.

• 1:15:04Speaker 01

  I suppose we shall.

• 1:15:05Speaker 00

  What? Thanks very much for listening. We'll see you again soon on the Offmood Podcast.