Best of 2025: Part 2

Welcome to part two of the Best Of episodes, we’ve been expecting you for some time… This half contains the 'toilet humour' section. Off Menu is now on YouTube: @offmenupodcast https://www.youtube.com/@offmenupodcast Follow Off Menu on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/offmenuofficial and TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@offmenuofficial: @offmenuofficial. And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ for a list of restaurants recommended on the show. Off Menu is a comedy podcast hosted by Ed Gamble and James Acaster. Produced, recorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Video production by Megan McCarthy for Plosive https://www.plosive.co.uk/. Artwork by Paul Gilbey https://www.instagram.com/pushgilbey/ (photography and design). Clips Celeb stories Elle Fanning Harris Dickinson Dermot O'Leary Carey Mulligan Marian Keyes Kate Winslet Chris McCausland Greg James Chaos Stevie Martin Lucia Keskin Joy Crookes Mawaan Rizwan Ben Schwartz Jeff Goldblum Sharon Wanjohi Sharon Wanjohi Anecdotes Ellie Taylor David Tennant Neil Hannon Rhys James Meera Sodha Will Sharpe Blazing Bangladeshis Jonny Pelham Filth Will Sharpe Self Esteem Julian Clary Toilet humour George Egg Bridget Christie Mo Gilligan Stacey Dooley Marian Keyes David Tennant Ian Smith Elle Fanning John Kearns James vs Stephen Graham Stephen Graham: James vs Stephen 1 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy https://acast.com/privacy for more information.

• 0:01Speaker 00

  Welcome to 215 Maple Drive. We just put this property on the market.

• 0:06Speaker 01

  Love the crown molding.

• 0:08Speaker 00

  Oh, wait until you see the walk-in closets and the bathroom tile.

• 0:12Speaker 01

  Does it have Verizon FiOS? You know, 100% fiber internet.

• 0:16Speaker 00

  No FiOS, but it looks like it's got cable. Let's check out the kitchen.

• 0:19Speaker 01

  No FiOS? Yeah, no thank you.

• 0:23Speaker 00

  Don't you want to see the rest? Okay, bye bye.

• 0:25Speaker 02

  Get Verizon FiOS because when you're moving, it's 100% or nothing.

• 0:45Speaker 03

  Welcome to part two of the best ofs. We've been expecting you for some time.

• 0:50Speaker 02

  That's right, we're back with another fresh batch of podcast highlights.

• 0:54Speaker 03

  Now, we've had our fair share of celebs dish the dirt on off-menu and 2025 was no exception.

• 0:59Speaker 02

  We've had tales about Angelina Jolie, Beyonce and the Chuckle Brothers. Here's Elle Fanning, Harris Dickinson, Dermot O'Leary, Carey Mulligan, Marian Keyes, Kate Winslet, Christmas McCallisland and Greg James.

• 1:13Speaker 03

  If it had to be from a specific place, city, is there somewhere where the tap water?

• 1:18Speaker 04

  New York.

• 1:18Speaker 03

  New York.

• 1:19Speaker 04

  Yeah. The water is the best there.

• 1:22Speaker 03

  Another vote for New York.

• 1:23Speaker 04

  Good for your hair.

• 1:24Speaker 03

  Is it?

• 1:24Speaker 04

  Yes. Your hair feels better in New York and that's why the bagels also taste different. And I've heard that in other states, there are some bagel places that get the water transported to their bagel shops to make the bagels because the water, that's what makes it so good in New York.

• 1:42Speaker 03

  They've got to get the New York water.

• 1:43Speaker 04

  Mm-hmm. They need to get it over.

• 1:45Speaker 03

  Some people get it, get New York water just to wash their hair in as well.

• 1:49Speaker 02

  I'm sure there are people who fly out New York water.

• 1:52Speaker 04

  I'm sure, right? I'm sure.

• 1:54Speaker 02

  There's someone right now in LA building a pipeline from New York to LA.

• 1:58Speaker 04

  100%.

• 1:59Speaker 02

  To get the water, yeah.

• 2:00Speaker 04

  100%.

• 2:02Speaker 03

  Rob Pitt.

• 2:05Speaker 03

  I bet Brad Pitt.

• 2:06Speaker 04

  Or Jim Carrey.

• 2:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carrey hasn't washed his hair.

• 2:10Speaker 02

  He doesn't believe in it.

• 2:11Speaker 04

  Not in years.

• 2:12Speaker 03

  Doesn't believe in it, he's not trying. Brad Pitt, George Clooney, DiCaprio. They're getting the water pumped to him from New York to LA.

• 2:19Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 2:20Speaker 03

  They're all doing that, those three.

• 2:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:22Speaker 03

  Although I think Clooney probably lives in Italy or something.

• 2:24Speaker 04

  Yeah, I think he does.

• 2:25Speaker 03

  I don't know, or maybe I just believe in the Nespresso answer a bit too much.

• 2:28Speaker 04

  Yeah, you're believing in the, in the conspiracy.

• 2:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, makes me believe that he lives in.

• 2:32Speaker 02

  He's getting New York water flown out for his Nespresso.

• 2:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:36Speaker 02

  Just a little bit each time.

• 2:37Speaker 04

  Different, yeah.

• 2:38Speaker 03

  And that's, that's the only amount he orders each time, flies it over.

• 2:42Speaker 02

  Just enough to fill a tank for the small Nespresso machine.

• 2:45Speaker 03

  Yeah. You met Clooney?

• 2:48Speaker 04

  You know, I have, but it was in, it was like at an event, it was like kind of in, in a quick way. I don't know him super, I don't know him super well.

• 2:57Speaker 03

  Do you ever get starstruck?

• 2:58Speaker 04

  Totally, I totally do. I remember, so I went to the Met Ball when I was, uh, I was 12 or 13? I think I was like the youngest.

• 3:10Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 3:10Speaker 04

  I think I was 13, like one of the youngest attendees, but, um, and I was with my sister, which was really great. So I, I had like a buddy, but every, and I was a big like fashion nerd. I mean, I still am, but like especially when I was young and all I wanted to do was meet Alexa Chung at the Met Ball. What, because she, I was like, as a 13 year old girl, I was like, I just loved her style, like I just wanted to meet her.

• 3:35Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:36Speaker 04

  And on the red carpet, I, and I kind of wore an outfit that like Alexa would probably have worn, you know, at the time.

• 3:43Speaker 02

  Bait Alexa Chung into coming over, yeah.

• 3:45Speaker 04

  And then I turned around and she was there and she was like, I like your outfit. And I was like, ah, like I was, I was like, I can't believe that. Um, and Beyonce was there, Beyonce I've met and that is pretty, you know, you're in the presence of like a goddess, so.

• 4:02Speaker 02

  As British people, it's very funny for us to hear Alexa Chung listed before Beyonce.

• 4:08Speaker 03

  That's, we've heard. Hundreds, hundreds of episodes of this podcast. That's the craziest thing that anyone can say.

• 4:16Speaker 04

  Well, I was thinking, hey, we're in London.

• 4:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, because before Alexa Chong did, did all the fashion icon stuff.

• 4:24Speaker 04

  She did.

• 4:24Speaker 02

  She was a, she was a host of like a TV show here.

• 4:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:28Speaker 02

  On, on T four, which was like the, the youth channel.

• 4:30Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 4:31Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 4:31Speaker 02

  So we know her as a TV presenter, really.

• 4:33Speaker 04

  Yeah, she was, you know, I think like there was something exotic about her, me, me being from LA, like this London girl, you know?

• 4:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, she's very cool.

• 4:41Speaker 04

  Very cool.

• 4:42Speaker 03

  She's very cool.

• 4:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, and I have, I got to, got to know her a little bit now that I'm older. But yeah, we've a little bit, um, super nice and, you know, it's cool. But I'm trying to think, oh, there's actually another funny one that I, again, it was at the Met Ball, but I was, it, I was a little bit older. And Billie Eilish and Cardi B were like talking and I was sitting down and I kinda, I got up and I was, you know, you're wearing giant shoes, of course. And you're like, have this long train and everyone's always trying to like outdo each other with, you know, the crazy outfits. And so I got up and I slipped, like completely fell off my ass.

• 5:25Speaker 04

  And like in front of Cardi B, she's like, whoa, like she looks over like in her peripheral, she just sees me like just go down. And, um, I was mortified, but she was like, oh, or like, are you okay? I was like, girl, are you okay? I'm like, uh, yeah, I'm all good. Like, don't mind me. Like, so that, you know, you're starstruck. And I was like, that was an embarrassing moment.

• 5:44Speaker 02

  Pretending you're doing like a Drag Race death drop sort of style.

• 5:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, I should have. No, I wasn't that quick, but I was like, oh, sorry.

• 5:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, people are asking me about the milk.

• 5:56Speaker 03

  Yeah, there's, I don't know, man. What do you, what do you say? It's very difficult. It's strange interactions. That's the good thing about being an actor is that you, you don't have to tell them anything. Cause you just go, well, that's the film. Yes, yes, not me. What you make of it? But people do think that's you. People think that's you. As soon as they've watched you in something, they think like your thing is strange to encounter. I think that's what Nicole Kidman's really good at is that a lot of the time when I see her in films, like she's so convinced as a character, but I don't think that is what she thinks in real life. Yes. I don't know why, there's a, there's a separation where I'm like, I, I think she's just completely playing the role. And there's almost a part of her that goes for roles that are so far removed from who she is. Yeah. That you can't really confuse them in a way. I don't know. That's how I felt watching the Estelle. I wouldn't come away from it going, that's what Nicole Kidman thinks.

• 6:41Speaker 03

  I don't think I ever watch any actor and think they believe everything in the film. The Rock?

• 6:48Speaker 03

  My girlfriend loves The Rock. Hey, look, I love The Rock. I mean, you know. Cause he believes. It's a comfortable one. There's a figure of him right there. There is, yeah. Do you like wrestling? I love wrestling. Yeah, me too. Love the iron claw. Oh, yeah. My two favourite things, wrestling and unremitting bleakness. Yes, brotherhood. But just, just going off what you said about Nicole, she is such a, she's such a daring actor. Like I, I, I found. Even in, in her body of work, it's obvious that she chooses really risky filmmakers and like bold stories. But when you, when you do something with her, like she, she's really prepared to just go to the most embarrassing place without

• 7:28Speaker 03

  fear of judgment of anyone. Like because a film set is, you know, inherently quite embarrassing. Like someone described it the other day as it's like a building site and you have to walk up to the building site and stop everyone what they're doing and be like, I'm gonna have an act now. Jack Loudon said it, the actor Jack Loudon said that with him and he was like, because it's true, you've got all these like grips and camp operators and technicians and, and you're there like, I'm going to perform. And it's like this very like physical environment where, you know, you're stopping everything for a moment and be like, my turn, stop what you do. Now I'm gonna step in and do my thing. And then you're sort of sat, you know, it's really weird and embarrassing.

• 8:08Speaker 03

  Um, but she is just so good at jumping in and, and trying stuff. So that was a cool experience for me to be a part of that and, and forced me to also go there. Were there times where you were thinking, do you ever think in scenes like, that's Nicole Kidman? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. I'm glad to know that. Yeah, of course. Yeah. I was saying to someone the other day, like the first couple of weeks in the production, I, I really tried to play it cool and professional and, you know, didn't, didn't ask her anything because I was like, you know, she's trying to do her job. I don't want to embarrass her. And then I was like, wait a minute, I was laying in bed one night, I was thinking like, fucking, I love what you need to ask her every single quick like, how can you not, how can you work with someone like that and not ask? So the next day it was like ten AM and I was like, so how was Stanley Kubrick?

• 8:52Speaker 03

  I just have, you have to get over it because if you, if you get to the end of that process and you've been too polite or too cool, you, you kick yourself, you know, working with someone like that. But then it's a weird one because it's a mechanism to not be starstruck, isn't it? To just be like, yeah, so. But then also you meet someone like that or anyone like that, you know, years ago I worked with Angelina Jolie and I was like, how do I have a normal conversation with this person? I was like twenty two years old, like, what the fuck do I ask Angelina Jolie? Like, so you've been doing this long or? It's a really difficult thing where you've known someone's work, you've grown up watching them and you're then thrust into an environment and you've got to

• 9:32Speaker 03

  talk to them in a very, you know, professional, you know, normal, like what, going to work every day. It's like, got any kids? So it's like, you know, you know, information about them, whether you research them or not, it's just there. So that's a weird thing. I don't know if you guys find that when you meet people that you really admire, like how to navigate the sort of interaction, like, do you go straight in with something?

• 9:54Speaker 02

  We go in with poppadoms or bread normally.

• 9:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, still a spark then.

• 9:57Speaker 02

  That's how we, what we've done is created a podcast and a format to, to do all of that.

• 10:02Speaker 03

  Is there any, any X Factor contestant you wish was sharing this meal with?

• 10:07Speaker 05

  Oh, that's a nice question.

• 10:08Speaker 03

  One X Factor contestant?

• 10:10Speaker 05

  Can I have a judge or a contestant?

• 10:11Speaker 03

  You say, but you want one of the judges?

• 10:14Speaker 05

  Yeah. Oh, yeah. Sherry, Sherry's the world, Sherry's a world of fun.

• 10:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:19Speaker 05

  Yeah. You want a good drinking buddy?

• 10:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:21Speaker 05

  Nicole is pretty much as great as it can. So

• 10:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 10:24Speaker 05

  we did judges' houses once and we ended up in Nice and, and me and her got there the night before. We were staying in this like massive house and we had the chef and so the chef is kind of, you know, there's that sort of, it's a kind of job, isn't it? Travelling chef around Europe in the summer quite often. Who's this really sweet guy? And, um, you know, I mean, I was kind of just taking along, but then obviously he said, what do you want to eat Nicole and pick this menu and blah, blah, blah. And then towards the end of the night, she said, You don't have any port to you and the kind this colour drained from this guy's face because you didn't have any port. He was like, you know, obviously, you know, serving the gold shares and it was stunning and beautiful and funny and lovely and all this sort of stuff. And he went, oh, God, no, uh, let me see what I can get. And he came back with this kind of bottle and he poured a glass of it and she's dried it. She went, oh, my God, that's lovely. And he left it. And it was cooking sherry.

• 11:10Speaker 05

  So we then proceeded to get shitfaced on cooking sherry. And then she was like, we've got to find something else. So by this time, this guy's gone home. So we're opening every cupboard in this house. So it's like an Airbnb, massive Airbnb. So we're just like, she's like, I found some beer. She's just an absolute animal.

• 11:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 11:26Speaker 05

  And then, so, you know, we have this great night and there's like four or five of staying there. We all go to bed. I wake up in the morning feeling, oh, God, I'm gonna go down and have a swim, like in the sea and feel a lot better. I love swimming in the sea. And I get up and I look out my window and she's literally just going on like a 10 mile run. I'm like, I hate you. How do you do this?

• 11:44Speaker 03

  Do start off with my poor addiction and we've ended the podcast on.

• 11:46Speaker 02

  With very poor addiction.

• 11:47Speaker 03

  Perfect.

• 11:48Speaker 02

  Well, perfect addiction, to be fair. Yeah.

• 11:49Speaker 03

  So that's good.

• 11:50Speaker 02

  And fast burn distinction. I'd bet that as well. Poor Michael.

• 11:54Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 11:55Speaker 02

  Poor Mi- we can't do Poor Michael for having a big wanger, can we? You're you're out the conversation and that's fine. Poor Harry, if I haven't even commented on it. I haven't weighed in at all on any of it. Yeah, yeah, no, no, there's no quotes available for this.

• 12:04Speaker 03

  I imagine you had this enough on the Shane press tour.

• 12:06Speaker 02

  I didn't do any press for Shane because I was filming The Great Gatsby and I couldn't, I was in Sydney. So I did nothing.

• 12:12Speaker 03

  That's good. Baz Luhrmann.

• 12:14Speaker 02

  Baz Luhrmann.

• 12:15Speaker 03

  Wear sunscreen?

• 12:15Speaker 02

  He does.

• 12:17Speaker 03

  I should hope so. If he didn't, I'd be like, you are hypocrite.

• 12:21Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:22Speaker 03

  I'd go up to him and say, you are hypocrite. Yeah.

• 12:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:24Speaker 03

  You shouldn't have given all the people that advice in 1999. You should be ashamed of yourself, Baz Luhrmann.

• 12:28Speaker 02

  Right. You should get him in here and tell him.

• 12:30Speaker 03

  Happily, I'd school him on it. I'd be like, right, these are all the things you told me when I was 14.

• 12:34Speaker 02

  How many of them have you done?

• 12:35Speaker 03

  That I should do. How many have you actually done in here?

• 12:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 12:37Speaker 03

  Although it wasn't him on the song.

• 12:38Speaker 02

  It wasn't him.

• 12:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, someone else.

• 12:40Speaker 02

  But he wrote the words.

• 12:41Speaker 03

  I think it was someone else who gave a university, like an address that a university did a speech and then he took that.

• 12:48Speaker 02

  And he made it into.

• 12:49Speaker 03

  And put it to someone's music. Yeah. And there's music isn't him either. It's a I think a rapper.

• 12:54Speaker 02

  So what did he do?

• 12:54Speaker 03

  Produced it. So you, I was telling my Leonardo DiCaprio story earlier, which didn't even happen to me. You must have been sitting there going.

• 13:01Speaker 02

  What Leonardo DiCaprio? Oh, the, the Central Park thing.

• 13:03Speaker 03

  Daniel Day Lewis, I'm doing that. You're sitting there. I bet you had loads of DiCaprio stories up your sleeve.

• 13:08Speaker 02

  My DiCaprio stories? Yeah, they're all great. He's the best. I mean, they're. No, like juicy, no, nothing juicy. He's just like a really, really professional, good actor. We're never looking for juicy stuff. We're never, we're never digging for the juice, are we? No, no, no. I wasn't implying that you were. I'm just, I was trying to think of like a, like a, oh, that's good. And then I was like, oh, well, a nice thing is that we did, well, a very dramatic scene, you know, and there was crying and sort of shouting towards the end of the film. And we did his coverage first, for whatever reason, for light or whatever. And then we turned around on me and he was like almost better when the camera was on me. And I thought that was really solid from Leonardo DiCaprio. Cause he could have kind of, you know, some people sort of phone it in when the camera's on.

• 13:54Speaker 02

  Or go home. Some people go home. People have been known to go home. People have been known to, to act with tennis balls. Um, but he was, he was like trying so hard. He was like practically better on, on my side, which I thought was really generous and solid. And he was like that the whole time, but particularly with that scene, I remember thinking like, oh my goodness, Leonardo DiCaprio. Any other books you'd like to star in the film on? Can I talk about a book? Yeah. Yeah. Only because my brother wrote one. Okay. Tim came to the, um, book launch last night. My brother wrote a book called The Accidental Soldier. It's coming out tomorrow. That might, it might not be tomorrow when this comes out, but it's coming out on April tenth. It definitely won't be tomorrow when this comes out because this won't come out today. Yeah. This guy's not turning it around. He's got Project Podcast on the go. He's, he's, he's not editing this and getting it out.

• 14:40Speaker 02

  But the only reason, not the only reason, I'm very proud of him, but he's giving all of the money to War Child, which is a charity that I've been an ambassador for for ten years. It's amazing. Looks at children in conflict zones. And it's very, very funny. It's about him going to Iraq when he was about twenty three. What's your brother's name, is it? Owen Mulligan. Owen Mulligan. The Accidental Soldier. So treacle pudding? Treacle pudding. Hot custard. Hot custard. Hot caky. Oh, and my peanut butter date. That's when this is.

• 15:03Speaker 04

  Now.

• 15:03Speaker 03

  At the end.

• 15:04Speaker 04

  It comes right at the end.

• 15:05Speaker 02

  With the bill.

• 15:06Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:07Speaker 03

  Do you want like a hot drink with that as well, like a coffee?

• 15:09Speaker 04

  I'd always like a peppermint tea with honey, fresh mint tea with honey. Cause then you could just sit and chat for ages and just work your way through a massive book. I did that last night.

• 15:18Speaker 03

  Did you?

• 15:19Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 15:19Speaker 03

  Who with?

• 15:20Speaker 04

  My brother's book launch was last night and then afterwards I went for dinner with all of my friends who I had wrangled to come to the book launch.

• 15:26Speaker 03

  Flick, flick getting invited?

• 15:28Speaker 04

  Not there, Flick's on holiday with Marcus and Sam and the gang. Uh, no, it was my two best friends from school, my sister-in-law and my friend who works for Wartown.

• 15:38Speaker 03

  Oh, one thing I got asked before that, what, what's the island that you're on in the film, in Wallace Island?

• 15:43Speaker 04

  Not an island, fake island.

• 15:44Speaker 03

  Oh, bastard.

• 15:45Speaker 04

  Sorry.

• 15:46Speaker 02

  Movie magic.

• 15:47Speaker 03

  Contact the tabloids, Bonito.

• 15:48Speaker 04

  The island that they shoot from, like the drone shot, there is an island.

• 15:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 15:53Speaker 04

  We're not filming on that, but that I think is, oh my gosh, it's like just off the coast of Temby.

• 15:58Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 15:59Speaker 04

  But the rest of it is constructed to feel like an island.

• 16:01Speaker 03

  Very clever.

• 16:02Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:03Speaker 03

  Taught me.

• 16:03Speaker 02

  I thought it was an island.

• 16:05Speaker 04

  Isn't it so pretty?

• 16:06Speaker 02

  So pretty, but I saw the sea and I was like, I bet that goes all the way around.

• 16:09Speaker 04

  No, yeah.

• 16:10Speaker 02

  Turns out no.

• 16:10Speaker 04

  Movie magic.

• 16:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:12Speaker 04

  Doesn't.

• 16:12Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was doing a great job acting. I got completely lost in it. I thought it was an island.

• 16:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:16Speaker 02

  I forgot that it wasn't an island.

• 16:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 16:18Speaker 03

  Nomination for the sea.

• 16:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:20Speaker 03

  The Oscars.

• 16:20Speaker 04

  Yeah, if you guys do your job correctly.

• 16:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's up to us to get the nomination.

• 16:24Speaker 04

  It is up to you. You are starting the awards campaign early.

• 16:26Speaker 03

  We've, we've done well. We've had a few people come on this podcast and then get nominated for Oscars.

• 16:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, we have actually.

• 16:32Speaker 03

  Mescow, we helped him out.

• 16:33Speaker 04

  With what?

• 16:34Speaker 03

  Uh, with After Sun.

• 16:35Speaker 04

  Oh, you did help him out.

• 16:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 16:37Speaker 04

  That was a very small film.

• 16:38Speaker 03

  Um.

• 16:39Speaker 02

  That was us, we did that.

• 16:40Speaker 04

  Well done.

• 16:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 16:40Speaker 03

  We, there's someone else recently on the, Sebastian Stan helped him out with the.

• 16:45Speaker 04

  He's amazing in that film.

• 16:47Speaker 02

  Because of the.

• 16:48Speaker 04

  Well done.

• 16:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's opposite, he had to act opposite half a cow.

• 16:51Speaker 04

  This is true.

• 16:53Speaker 03

  Fucking back end of a cow for the whole film. He was, it's an uphill battle.

• 16:59Speaker 03

  You've been nominated before?

• 17:00Speaker 04

  I have.

• 17:01Speaker 03

  Right, I'll figure this out.

• 17:03Speaker 02

  This, this is one of Benito's least favourite things is James doing guessing games.

• 17:06Speaker 03

  Or figuring out what I've been nominated for. It's so late in the day for me to do a guessing game as well, so he's gonna really hate it.

• 17:12Speaker 02

  Also.

• 17:12Speaker 03

  Maestro. Yeah.

• 17:13Speaker 02

  I think it's such a big.

• 17:14Speaker 03

  I got it first time. No, I've been nominated for. Three times.

• 17:16Speaker 02

  I think it's such a big swing to ask, to ask an actor, you've been nominated for an Oscar?

• 17:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 17:21Speaker 02

  Cause he's, you don't know how they feel about it, or?

• 17:23Speaker 03

  I think we've been chatting long enough now that I don't think Kerry cares either way.

• 17:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:27Speaker 03

  But like, I think it's obviously nice, but if you, if you hadn't been, you would be like, I don't bring that up. No, yeah, yeah, no, I could. Maestro, so I got that one straight away, so you can suck it.

• 17:37Speaker 02

  I didn't think you wouldn't get them. I thought, I thought you'd know this anyway. I'm surprised you asked the question.

• 17:42Speaker 03

  The other ones, now, now, I, I should be able to get these. I should be able to get them.

• 17:46Speaker 02

  Doctor Who.

• 17:47Speaker 03

  Should have been, right?

• 17:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 17:49Speaker 03

  He was saying earlier, best episode, Doctor Who. Thank you.

• 17:51Speaker 02

  It is. No competition. It's incredible.

• 17:54Speaker 03

  Weeping Angels. Have you seen it? No, I don't watch Doctor Who, even though it seems like I should. That's a long time ago. Yeah, yeah. Ah, I won't do all the films, because Benito's gonna wanna wrap up. So thanks, I think I could definitely, I think if I. You'd get that. Thought about it, I'd get it. I'm gonna read the menu back to you now, see how you feel about it. Right. You would like.

• 18:12Speaker 02

  If other people wanna guess, by the way, they should.

• 18:14Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 18:14Speaker 02

  Tweet the great Benito, and if you get all of the films right, you win a sign chopping board.

• 18:19Speaker 03

  Yes, and you're allowed to check on IMDB if you want and things like that, but just tweet Benito the three films that Kerry's been nominated for, for Oscars, and then he will send you a signed chopping board.

• 18:29Speaker 02

  Hashtag, hey, great Benito, these are the Oscaritos.

• 18:31Speaker 03

  These are the Oscaritos.

• 18:34Speaker 03

  Your dream side dish, Mary. Oh, okay, right. How do we, Hassel, Hasselback potatoes.

• 18:41Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 18:42Speaker 03

  I, I nearly jumped in and said Hoff, and then I thought, leave it alone. That's what I nearly said. No, I nearly said it. Hasselback potatoes. Hasselhoff. Yeah, thank God I didn't. Yeah, Hasselback potatoes. Now, do you know what they are? I think you do. Great.

• 18:53Speaker 02

  Please, for, for the listener there.

• 18:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, okay. Right, they are a potato, and they have loads and loads and loads of tiny, thin slices cut into them, but the bottom of the potato is still intact, so it's kinda like a little fan, a little accordion, and in.

• 19:08Speaker 04

  To the little cleats, you put like tons of butter, Kerrygold of course.

• 19:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:13Speaker 04

  And you can do, I mean, you can do other things. You can do beetroot like that as well, but like, I mean, why would you when you could do a potato? That, I would love that so much.

• 19:23Speaker 03

  Heavily seasoned?

• 19:24Speaker 04

  With salt.

• 19:25Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:25Speaker 04

  Tons of salt, thank you.

• 19:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:27Speaker 04

  There's no need for the pepper, thanks.

• 19:29Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 19:29Speaker 02

  Not a fan of the pepper?

• 19:31Speaker 04

  I don't mind it, but I think potatoes, leave them alone. Salt and butter is all you need. You know, why ruin something that's already magnificent, perfect?

• 19:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 19:40Speaker 02

  What sort of sized potato are you?

• 19:42Speaker 04

  Oh, very big one, very big.

• 19:43Speaker 02

  Massive one.

• 19:44Speaker 04

  Massive, massive, but a foot long if at all possible and, and very, very, very slender slices.

• 19:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, if, if the Hasselback potato comes along, I wanna see the seasoning on it. I want, I want there to be like, the more slices the better.

• 19:57Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 19:57Speaker 03

  And I want there to be crispy little bits of seasoning all over.

• 20:00Speaker 04

  Crystals of salt, not, not the kind of the miniscule, minji table salt. You want some of that Himalayan pink salt.

• 20:08Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 20:09Speaker 04

  You know.

• 20:09Speaker 02

  Great big handfuls of it, yeah.

• 20:11Speaker 04

  That's it, with the colour.

• 20:12Speaker 02

  So you're having Kerrygold butter in every little slit?

• 20:15Speaker 04

  Every single one, thank you.

• 20:16Speaker 02

  You can get a pack of butter in there.

• 20:17Speaker 04

  Easily, oh, easy, that should be the, the, the dream.

• 20:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, well, this is the dream.

• 20:22Speaker 03

  Is there a place where you've had the best Hasselback potatoes?

• 20:24Speaker 04

  Um, I know this is going to sound, and I'm really sorry, my husband is fantastic at this sort of thing.

• 20:30Speaker 02

  Make one tonight.

• 20:32Speaker 02

  This guy.

• 20:33Speaker 03

  Keep up with this guy.

• 20:34Speaker 02

  This guy's leaving me in the goddamn dust.

• 20:36Speaker 04

  No, it's, it's just, it's inspiration.

• 20:38Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 20:39Speaker 04

  Come on, tell us about some of the things you've made, please, come on.

• 20:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, come on, Ed.

• 20:42Speaker 02

  Chicken, I know, chicken.

• 20:44Speaker 04

  Say it again?

• 20:45Speaker 02

  Chicken.

• 20:45Speaker 04

  Chicken, what way?

• 20:47Speaker 02

  Rose.

• 20:47Speaker 04

  Rose chicken, you cannot beat a lovely roast chicken, so I'm told.

• 20:51Speaker 02

  Lamb, lamb.

• 20:53Speaker 04

  Lamb, so I, lamb can be lovely, so I'm told.

• 20:56Speaker 03

  Slow cooked lamb?

• 20:57Speaker 02

  Yes, like.

• 20:57Speaker 03

  What about some of your veggie stuff that?

• 20:59Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:00Speaker 03

  Like.

• 21:01Speaker 02

  Now you're asking. Um, oh, yeah, we talked, we talked with Mira Soder about it, loads from Mira Soder's book.

• 21:08Speaker 03

  The tomato curry.

• 21:10Speaker 02

  Tomato curry.

• 21:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 21:11Speaker 04

  Tomato curry.

• 21:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:12Speaker 04

  Tell me.

• 21:14Speaker 02

  Yeah. Tomato curry.

• 21:15Speaker 03

  How do you do it?

• 21:16Speaker 04

  Come on now, don't be shy.

• 21:17Speaker 02

  Now, it's quite a complicated recipe because you have to have two pans going at the same time and then mix them.

• 21:22Speaker 03

  Oh, there you go.

• 21:23Speaker 02

  But yeah.

• 21:23Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:23Speaker 02

  It's delicious.

• 21:24Speaker 03

  Not everyone can do that.

• 21:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, dan dan dan dan noodles.

• 21:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 21:28Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, with a lot of tahini and black vinegar and soy.

• 21:31Speaker 04

  Aren't you a lot of tahini? Oh, God, tahini is the most wonderful thing.

• 21:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:35Speaker 04

  But to have two pans going at the same time, I mean, that's, that's elite stuff.

• 21:39Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 21:39Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah.

• 21:40Speaker 02

  Did your husband do that?

• 21:41Speaker 04

  I don't think he can, you know, I don't think he can.

• 21:43Speaker 02

  He's a one pan, he's a one pan husband.

• 21:45Speaker 04

  Man, yeah, you see, and you're a two pan man.

• 21:47Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 21:48Speaker 04

  You see?

• 21:48Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 21:48Speaker 04

  You're fabulous.

• 21:49Speaker 02

  Thank you, thank you, Mary.

• 21:51Speaker 03

  If I, if I was a, if I, you know, I, I would trust a one pan man more than a two pan man.

• 21:55Speaker 02

  What are you talking about?

• 21:56Speaker 03

  I think your one's not enough for this guy.

• 21:59Speaker 04

  No, I love the show of dexterity with the two pan man.

• 22:02Speaker 03

  I think a two pan man might get bored in a monogamous relationship.

• 22:06Speaker 02

  I'm a two pan man, one man band.

• 22:07Speaker 03

  Do you want David Hasselhoff there?

• 22:09Speaker 04

  Oh, God, I'd really rather not, do you mind?

• 22:13Speaker 04

  I was in a room with him once.

• 22:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:16Speaker 04

  He was singing a song that was very odd.

• 22:18Speaker 03

  Is that the one about his car? Remember that one?

• 22:20Speaker 02

  Did he do that on the Berlin Wall?

• 22:22Speaker 03

  Did he on the Berlin Wall?

• 22:23Speaker 02

  Well, he played on, he played in Berlin the day the wall came down, right? Because he's massive in Germany.

• 22:28Speaker 04

  He is massive in Germany, yeah. I shouldn't be mean about the chap. No, no, no, no, it's fine. I wish him well. I wish him well.

• 22:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 22:35Speaker 04

  But, um, no, I'm.

• 22:36Speaker 02

  He doesn't have to be there.

• 22:37Speaker 04

  No, just the potatoes themselves are fine. Yes.

• 22:39Speaker 03

  What was it? So you're singing one of his, one of his own songs in, in a room with you?

• 22:43Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 22:43Speaker 03

  Where was this room?

• 22:44Speaker 04

  Oh, it was a TV.

• 22:45Speaker 02

  Was it a gig? Did you go to a David Hasselhoff gig?

• 22:47Speaker 04

  Not.

• 22:49Speaker 04

  I thought we were friends.

• 22:52Speaker 04

  No, I was in a TV studio and we were on the, a show in Ireland.

• 22:56Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 22:57Speaker 04

  Um, and then the show stopped running, you know, the camera stopped, it was the end.

• 23:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 23:02Speaker 04

  You know, and the next thing.

• 23:03Speaker 03

  He grabs a microphone and has some words with the band and he's up singing. Again, it was a hostage situation, it felt like. You know, that we were all trapped and we all had to kind of look delighted. And I just wanted to go home because I was tired. But I had to look delighted and wait for the song to end. Um. It was nothing against him in particular. It's just that I didn't grab the mic and have a word with the band and start singing. You know, you have to, you have to make it okay with people if you're going to do that, I think.

• 23:32Speaker 02

  And sense the vibe in the room.

• 23:34Speaker 03

  Read the room. The room was tired and wanted to go home. Did he think the audience was tired? Oh, no, that the audience were delighted. Maybe the audience were delighted. I think, I think with that stuff, like, I think that I would never do that because um I would think of it as like. Like, you've already done your interview, James. You don't need them to pay even more attention to you. Just get over it.

• 23:55Speaker 02

  Also, it's self-awareness, isn't it? He should be thinking, I'm David Hasselhoff, I'm not Bruce Springsteen, maybe.

• 24:03Speaker 03

  He should.

• 24:03Speaker 02

  Do people want to hear this?

• 24:06Speaker 03

  But then I think, if I'm in the audience and I'm not in this world all the time. And I've gone to see the TV show and I didn't know there'd be so much stopping and starting with the TV show and. Wait, wait a second, everyone. And the warm-up comes out again and you're there for hours. And then David Hasselhoff got up and sang with the band. I might be pretty.

• 24:27Speaker 03

  They probably were, and I'm just a curmudgeon. No, I, I, I, I'd feel the same as you. I'd be like, oh, fuck this guy. I'd be worse than you, but like. I think it's a really good point, though, yeah, that the audience probably were delighted. But then I'd think, if he thinks the audience would be delighted about this, even more egotistical. Yeah, but some people do. I mean, yeah, it takes all sorts. See, and the thing is, Bruce probably wouldn't. Because Bruce is sound. Bruce knows who Bruce is. I love Bruce. He says, Bruce says the best places, the best place, his favourite place to gig in the world is Ireland. Bruce says? Stop it. Favourite place in the world to do shows. Did you know that? I didn't, but I'm, I'm very, very pleased. The boss.

• 25:16Speaker 02

  David Hasselhoff, when he turned around, he had loads of slits down his back and there was stuff with butter.

• 25:20Speaker 03

  And covered in big salt crystals.

• 25:21Speaker 02

  Yeah. No, I'd leave them to it. You do you, David. Good on you. Yeah.

• 25:26Speaker 03

  Imagine that as a scene in Baywatch where he's like running down the beach and then they show it from the back.

• 25:30Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 25:30Speaker 03

  And they go, what the fuck?

• 25:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, then he runs into the sea and it's the most painful thing in the world.

• 25:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 25:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, because he's all Hasselback to Hasselhoff.

• 25:38Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yes, it could happen.

• 25:40Speaker 03

  Could happen.

• 25:42Speaker 04

  So I do love an oyster. I do love it, but only only the little ones. And I have two stories around my consumption of oysters, which is that forever I would think, oh my god, way too gynecological looking. Can't be doing that. And then I was lucky enough when I was about thirty, thirty one. To be invited at a dinner. It was a small dinner in New York. I lived in New York for ten years. And it was a small dinner with a group of people who who my husband at the time, Sam Mendes. He had just worked with Paul Newman and Tom Hanks.

• 26:19Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 26:20Speaker 04

  And somehow I found myself at having a meal with them. There were maybe seven or eight of us. And Paul Newman ordered twenty four oysters.

• 26:33Speaker 04

  And I was sat beside him and they were passed around. He was a very, very generous man. It's the only time I met him.

• 26:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 26:40Speaker 04

  Passed around the table, would you like an oyster? Would you like one? Would you like one? I'm thinking, oh god, he's gonna offer me a bargain oyster and I'm gonna have to say no. The plate came to me and how about you? Would you like an oyster? And I said, no, thank you. And I looked at his eyes and I went. Actually, yes, because I thought if I eat this oyster, I will always be able to say.

• 27:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 27:01Speaker 04

  Paul Newman gave me my first oyster and I had the oyster and I loved it. And so on occasion, I will order oysters and they're just delicious.

• 27:13Speaker 03

  Do you think about Paul Newman? Every time you have an oyster.

• 27:15Speaker 04

  I do, actually. I do. And then I tell the story that I just told, but I've no, I don't think I've ever told it on a podcast, so.

• 27:21Speaker 03

  Yes. Road to Perdition was that the film?

• 27:23Speaker 04

  Road to Perdition, exactly right.

• 27:25Speaker 03

  That film, yeah. Sorry. There's a point, there's a point in the video where people will see that you mentioned that they worked together and I go like this. I don't want people to think, watching it, that I wasn't interested in what you were saying. He was sliding into his mind. I had to remember what the film was.

• 27:40Speaker 04

  A great, great film. Really, really great film.

• 27:42Speaker 03

  Real good film.

• 27:43Speaker 04

  And then, and then years and years and years later, um, in two thousand and eleven, at the beginning of the next chapter of my life, which I'm currently very, very happily immersed in, uh, I met my husband Ned and, uh, and, and again, um, found, we found ourselves in New York and it was at the very beginning of our relationship. And Chelsea Market is a great market in, in, in the city. And, uh, there's an amazing fish shop in there, really spectacular. And Ned and I were just having one of those kind of early romantic days out wandering around New York City. And I said, oh, should we get some oysters? And he said, well, I don't know if I've had, had oysters before.

• 28:23Speaker 04

  And I'm sure I then told him about the Paul Newman story and we, and we bought these oysters and, and we took them back to the flat where I lived at the time. And I, I know how to shuck oysters and so I shucked all these oysters and we had the oysters and had some champagne and then, um, and then, um, we're still together. And moving on.

• 28:45Speaker 03

  You've got to say that is.

• 28:46Speaker 04

  So I did, so I, so I thought.

• 28:47Speaker 03

  That's a baller move on a date.

• 28:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 28:50Speaker 03

  If I was on an early date with someone and they were like, I'm gonna shuck you an oyster, I'd be like, right, well, we're getting married. Yeah, yeah. That's absolutely brilliant.

• 28:57Speaker 04

  There was no question as to whether or not we were gonna be together forever. I knew that as soon as I met him. I was like, oh, it's you.

• 29:02Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 29:03Speaker 04

  Oh, it's you. I know it sounds super soppy, but I really did, um, yeah, I really did think that.

• 29:09Speaker 03

  That's nice.

• 29:10Speaker 04

  Good old Ned.

• 29:12Speaker 03

  When you did Strictly, did you have to change your diet at all?

• 29:17Speaker 02

  When I did, so when I did Strictly, which I um talk about in my book, Keep Laughing, which is out for Christmas, um makes a um, the PR guys out there, they'd be like, oh god.

• 29:27Speaker 03

  They left ages ago, Chris.

• 29:28Speaker 02

  Yeah. Thank god he's brought it back to the book. I I could eat what I wanted, like literally, it was insane. Like, we'd be training eight hours a day. I ca- I would have a, I would have a burger for like a Tuesday dinnertime. Who's having a burger for a Tuesday dinnertime at the age of forty eight? And then, and then I'd go, John, have a burger again on the Wednesday, or and I, it just didn't matter. I was, I was eating chocolate like it was Christmas. And then, and then it was Christmas. And, and so there was, the calories didn't matter. I ate what I wanted and I still lost weight. It was in, it was insane.

• 30:03Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 30:04Speaker 02

  Um, but you know, to counterbalance that, I was also held together with physio tape.

• 30:08Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:09Speaker 02

  Yeah, it was um physically kind of slowly ripped me apart over four months. People go, do you feel healthier? I literally feel like I've been in a car crash.

• 30:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:22Speaker 02

  Like, um, me, um, me, me arse is literally sellotape to me back. I like with actual pieces of tape. They've, they've taken tape, they've attached it to my cheeks. And they've stretched that up to my shoulders.

• 30:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 30:36Speaker 02

  And they've gone, this will hold you in the form of a human for another week.

• 30:41Speaker 03

  Um. Did you say to your wife, that's a Brazilian butt lift?

• 30:47Speaker 02

  Um, yeah, so I could eat what I wanted. It was, it was good. But then you've really got to rein it in when it finishes because you don't carry on dancing. And that's the one thing, you can't carry on eating like that, otherwise you uh, it all goes wrong, doesn't it?

• 31:00Speaker 03

  It was great. Uh, it was great to watch it every single week. But, but every time we like, I can't believe I'm still in it.

• 31:06Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah. I mean, like, I honestly told, I said no to it a few times because I didn't think it was possible. I thought, like, I'm all for diversity. I'm like, we should have more diversity, more representation across mainstream programme. Do you want to do Strictly? Are you insane? Literally insane. Come on. In what world do you think this is even possible? And I didn't, I didn't know what it was they were asking me to do because I couldn't. You can't describe it. Describe it. It was dancing, but how good, how technical, how fast. What are the dances? So the only way I, I was able to figure out what it was they wanted me to do was by doing it. So it was so the unknown. Most terrifying thing I've ever done in my life. And, you know, top 10 scariest things I've ever done in my life. The 10 episodes are strictly hands down. It was, it was that, that feeling of eight million people watching at home.

• 31:51Speaker 02

  And you, you're in the studio while that V T plays and you're just waiting for this moment of reckoning. And then it comes in the studio and they go dancing or whatever. Chris and honestly, the, the nerves, I've never felt anything like it. Um, and you just have to flick those switches in your head and just try and belt through it, you know? But it is, um, it's terrifying, which is why as soon as that dance was over, if I felt like I'd done a good job and we put the hours in, we'd done all right. I went straight into comedy mode because that was my safety. That, you know, that was like, I've just blacked me, well, I've just blacked myself as a dancer for the last two minutes. Yeah, now let's take the piss out of Greg and have a laugh. And, and do something that I, I know I can do. And, um, and it, it worked.

• 32:36Speaker 02

  People kind of, um, people liked it. But the thing is, is that, I mean, the thing I'm proud of with it is that for none of the weeks throughout the whole 13 weeks, were, were me and Diane ever kept in above somebody that got more points than us. Every, every week, the person that went out had less points than us, but from the judges. So we always held our own, even though it connected with the audience at home and, and they liked what we were doing. And we had people supporting us and stuff. We, we always held our own up, up until the final. And then in the final, over three dances, we only, we only, we're only four points off a maximum. So I couldn't be prouder of what we did, you know? It was, um, re- re- remarkable.

• 33:18Speaker 02

  And even when we got to February, two months after, I'd look back and like, just when you're out of that bubble for just two months, I'd look back and I go, how the fuck did we do?

• 33:29Speaker 02

  It just felt, it felt, it felt insane that that was even something that happened. So, um, yeah, but it's, um, it's all in the book. Yeah.

• 33:38Speaker 03

  Look at you now on a giant pot noodle.

• 33:41Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 33:41Speaker 03

  She did a dance in a giant pot noodle, Chris.

• 33:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, I suggested, you know, I, I, a lot of the music that you, you do, you dance as well, you, you, you're allowed to kind of, it's, it's a, it's a three-way kind of conversation between Strictly and you and Diane and you, or your dancer. And I, I, you know, I have my input on some dancers and some ideas and, but I'd say most of the things I suggested on that show were shut down quite early on. A lot of my musical, I mean, me and you Ed share a lot of musical tastes, yeah.

• 34:10Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 34:10Speaker 02

  A lot of my musical tastes were, like, I, I played Diane something that I thought had a really good beat and a really good rhythm and she'd say, you just can't dance to this. There's nothing in it at all that even remotely resembles, I'm gonna listen to that bassline, Diane.

• 34:27Speaker 03

  And examples of, of, of the ones that got away?

• 34:30Speaker 02

  Um, you know, I did play some Pearl Jam, I played, I, yeah, so I was told that like, well, the couple's choice, you can do something that's kind of means something to you. And also the, the pas de doble, I was told, is kind of the one that you could do something heavier to. I, I went through a whole morning of playing, um, of playing Diane's sepultura and soulful songs, which is Brazilian thrash metal.

• 34:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 34:55Speaker 02

  Uh, so thrash slash groove metal. And, and, and, and kind of arguing with her in disbelief that she was saying there was no rhythm to them.

• 35:02Speaker 03

  Wow, it's pure rhythm.

• 35:03Speaker 02

  It's pure rhythm. Too much rhythm, I would say.

• 35:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:07Speaker 02

  I would say it's the, it's the cranberry sauce of the musical world. Um, but too, too much.

• 35:11Speaker 03

  Dancing to roots, bloody roots.

• 35:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, but, um, I see your point. And, and I realised doing Strictly as well, that it's as much about the song as it is about the dancing. Like, people will only like a dance if they like the song.

• 35:28Speaker 03

  Interesting.

• 35:29Speaker 02

  And I think that the song really, unless it's a pas de doble, which is like traditional kind of, it works well with the traditional music. I think it needs to, it needs to have words to the song. It needs to be, they work better than like a score or I remember, I remember Shane, Shane who I was on with, did one of his dances. I can't remember which one it was, but he did it to whatever that tune is. That's the theme tune for Autumn Towers.

• 35:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 35:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 35:55Speaker 03

  Hole in the Mountain King.

• 35:56Speaker 02

  I can't remember how it goes. It's the.

• 35:58Speaker 03

  But it gets faster and faster, doesn't it?

• 36:00Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's the Fantasia thing as well, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did it to that and I, and I was listening to it because I'd do that every week. I'd be up there, like there'd be an amazing dance get stood and they'd finish and I'd say to die, God, the band's amazing, aren't they?

• 36:14Speaker 02

  But he did it to that and it sounded amazing. But I was just thinking, I don't think people are gonna like the song compared to, you know, the other choices on that week. So I think that's important on it, you know?

• 36:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, I, I, I really wish I'd been able to see you dance to a soulful song.

• 36:32Speaker 02

  Would you do it?

• 36:33Speaker 03

  No, never. I, I, I wouldn't hold up, Chris. I, I, I'd be out week one from, from stress. I'd be pleading the, down the ban of the camera for them to vote me off. Please, no one vote for me. I can't take this anymore.

• 36:47Speaker 02

  Costume would have an absolute nightmare with him when he just gets egg on it every single week. Please stop eating. Stop eating breakfast wrap just before you go on.

• 36:54Speaker 03

  I can't help it.

• 36:56Speaker 05

  I don't know what your chuckle brothers sort of cultural touchpoints are. Were you into them? Did you rush home and watch Chuckle Vision?

• 37:04Speaker 02

  Constantly love them. Still think about them to this day.

• 37:07Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 37:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:08Speaker 05

  But I think that's set us all, a certain generation set us all on a path of going, oh, maybe you could just mess around forever.

• 37:15Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:16Speaker 05

  And just do that sort of job.

• 37:17Speaker 02

  And do a different job every day and get fired from it for slacking.

• 37:20Speaker 05

  Well, not specifically the narrative of the show.

• 37:23Speaker 02

  Okay, yeah, yeah.

• 37:24Speaker 05

  Not the, in, not the actual stories in the show.

• 37:27Speaker 03

  Let's talk about the actual people.

• 37:29Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'm not talking about their personas. I'm talking about the real, the real people. Cause you know that that boss was an actor.

• 37:35Speaker 02

  Yeah. And do you know who the boss was?

• 37:37Speaker 05

  I don't know.

• 37:38Speaker 02

  Half brother. So there were two people who were always the boss.

• 37:40Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah, yeah.

• 37:41Speaker 02

  Mister No Slacking and I think I can't remember what the other catchphrase was there.

• 37:44Speaker 05

  Mister No Slacking.

• 37:45Speaker 02

  Mister No Slacking, they were the half brothers of the Chuckle Brothers.

• 37:47Speaker 05

  And what was his catchphrase?

• 37:48Speaker 03

  They were both their half brothers.

• 37:48Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 37:49Speaker 05

  And the catchphrase was?

• 37:50Speaker 02

  No Slacking.

• 37:51Speaker 05

  No.

• 37:51Speaker 03

  No Slacking. And they were the Half Chuckle Brothers?

• 37:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:55Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 37:55Speaker 02

  It's like a showbiz family, I think the.

• 37:57Speaker 05

  Half Chuckle.

• 37:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:58Speaker 05

  Nearly there.

• 37:59Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 37:59Speaker 05

  You nearly got it.

• 38:00Speaker 02

  Titter.

• 38:00Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:01Speaker 03

  I'd watch a set of show, a spin off show that's called The Half Chuckle Brothers.

• 38:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:05Speaker 03

  And this is the two half brothers.

• 38:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 38:06Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 38:07Speaker 03

  Knocking around.

• 38:08Speaker 05

  So him and Barry, when I was 10, I went to go and see the Chuckle Brothers with my nan at Weymouth Pavilion.

• 38:13Speaker 02

  Amazing.

• 38:13Speaker 05

  Great venue.

• 38:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 38:14Speaker 05

  Have you done stand up there?

• 38:15Speaker 03

  Once.

• 38:16Speaker 05

  Yeah. It's a great venue.

• 38:17Speaker 03

  And Elton was in the main room.

• 38:19Speaker 05

  Oh, really?

• 38:20Speaker 03

  Okay. Good luck to him.

• 38:21Speaker 05

  One day.

• 38:21Speaker 02

  All the best for the future.

• 38:24Speaker 05

  All your best for the, for the future and your quest of the main room at Weymouth Pavilion. But it's, um, uh, it was a signing, they did a signing afterwards and they would give you a photograph and it was, and he wrote to Gregory, all the best for the future. Which I was so excited about because I was there in my shell suit, you know, with all the other kids being like, oh my God, it's the, it's the guys off the telly. This is the, these are the best guys. And when we walked away and my nan was like, let's have a look at that. And she'd see that and go, why did they write all the best for the future? That's just a strange thing to say to a kid. But it is quite strange, but I quite like, I like that they wrote that and I've always remembered it. And I just thought, that's quite a good starting point for the book. So I start as a 10, 10 year old me.

• 39:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:03Speaker 05

  And I sort of imagine what my future life could be like. So it's a lot, it's a load of essays about growing up and falling in love and, um, sort of gripes about the world. And a reminder hopefully to, to stay true to your 10 year old self. Cause it's probably the stuff you love when you were 10 is probably the stuff you've kind of liked now.

• 39:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 39:21Speaker 05

  To a certain extent.

• 39:22Speaker 03

  To a certain extent. Chuckle Brothers.

• 39:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll watch it. I'll watch it after, when I get home after this.

• 39:27Speaker 03

  I mean, look, you know, definitely I've made a living off of, uh, coming on this podcast and talking about ice cream and how much I love ice cream.

• 39:34Speaker 05

  There you go.

• 39:35Speaker 03

  That was me as a 10 year old. It's not changed at all. If anything, it's got even more intense.

• 39:38Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 39:39Speaker 03

  You still love wrestling?

• 39:40Speaker 02

  Still love wrestling. Yeah, exactly. I'm regressing basically.

• 39:43Speaker 05

  I think that's fine, but I think you can regress as you get older, but you've just got, cause it maybe is even more important because you've got so much boring stuff to sort out as well.

• 39:50Speaker 02

  As long as you keep doing the boring stuff as well.

• 39:52Speaker 05

  You do have to do both.

• 39:52Speaker 02

  You've got to do the taxes and, and, and watch Chuckle Brothers.

• 39:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, otherwise your life sort of falls apart.

• 39:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 39:57Speaker 05

  And then, and then you are just sat at home watching Chuckle Brothers.

• 39:59Speaker 02

  Then you're a genuine Chuckle Brother. Cause like within the script of the show, I don't think those guys were doing their taxes.

• 40:06Speaker 03

  No, no way, like.

• 40:07Speaker 02

  No way.

• 40:08Speaker 03

  That feels like a sort of after hours, sort of like grown up version of it where they didn't, it's like an HMRC infomercial.

• 40:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's like, it's January thirtieth, it's five to midnight and they're just pushing the HMRC form from one to the other going to me, to you.

• 40:22Speaker 03

  And then they would get investigated at some point.

• 40:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 40:24Speaker 03

  And the, they'd sit down with them and go, okay, listen, you've had a series of jobs, each lasting less than a day from what we can see.

• 40:34Speaker 03

  Don't explain this one at the, at the marble factory. And how were you paid?

• 40:40Speaker 02

  It is cash in hand, isn't it?

• 40:42Speaker 03

  Right, okay.

• 40:42Speaker 02

  It's gotta be cash in hand.

• 40:43Speaker 03

  It's repeatedly one of two bosses. Can you explain that?

• 40:49Speaker 02

  And they're your brothers.

• 40:50Speaker 03

  Multiple jobs. You have about three hundred and sixty five jobs a year, two bosses. Who are in all these businesses? We were investigating them as well. You better believe that we are. Don't look at him.

• 41:02Speaker 03

  Answer, answer the question. Put the ladder down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, no, we did, clean the windows in a minute. Yeah. This is serious. Yeah.

• 41:10Speaker 02

  Stop saying, oh no.

• 41:13Speaker 03

  Be careful with that, with that bucket of slime. Okay. Well, when you're telling that story, as someone, you must now sign autographs to people. I do. During this book, you're gonna be signing books, going to book signings. Yeah. All the best, fair enough, all the best for the future. Yeah. Not only is it weird for me to say to a kid, I'd say if you're doing loads of signings, I would just write all the best. I wouldn't wanna double my word count there. Yeah. All the best for the future, which maybe shows that they really did care. Well, I guess so. Or, I mean, I, I, I interviewed Paul. There's a chapter about Paul at the end of the book. Yeah. It's quite a sweet moment where I'd see him again for the first time in thirty years. And I said, why do you, did you do this for all the kids? And he went, no.

• 41:59Speaker 03

  I don't know why I'd even say that. And I went, what do you think? He went, well, he must have said something. He blamed me. And I said, well, maybe I said, maybe I want to be like, be on telly one day or like. Yeah. So I think that's maybe what it was. Cause he said he would normally just do to me to you. Of course. So I don't know. I think it might be a one of one. I think it's unique. This is incredible. Yeah.

• 42:19Speaker 02

  It might be. I mean, anyone reached out since the?

• 42:23Speaker 03

  No.

• 42:24Speaker 02

  Could just be you. All the best for the future.

• 42:25Speaker 03

  I think it's it. Yeah. I think it might be. Well, look, this is, this is, this is it. If there is somebody who's also gotten all the best for the future. Yeah.

• 42:32Speaker 02

  Chuckle Brothers autograph, yeah.

• 42:35Speaker 02

  Some of our favourite moments in the Dream Restaurant are when the podcast turns into utter chaos.

• 42:39Speaker 03

  Like, well, I don't know, for example, the entire Jeff Goldblum episode. Let's hear from Stevie Martin, Lucia Keskin, Joy Crooks, Moan Rizwan, Ben Schwartz and Jeff Goldblum.

• 42:54Speaker 03

  We're doing side dish, Stevie.

• 42:55Speaker 02

  Oh, God.

• 42:59Speaker 02

  Is it our old friend Brad again? No, it's gotta be. No, it would have to be something that complimented it. So you're looking for something fresh. You're looking for something, but not boring. Padron peppers. Nice. That's good, isn't it? That came to you like a bolt from the blue, that. It did. Yeah.

• 43:12Speaker 03

  Yeah. Another, another starter, to be fair.

• 43:15Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 43:16Speaker 03

  Padron peppers usually classically a starter.

• 43:18Speaker 02

  Is it?

• 43:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 43:19Speaker 02

  I'd say, yeah, starter, right. It's a tapas dish, isn't it? What's a side dish?

• 43:24Speaker 03

  There's like, you have padron peppers as a side dish.

• 43:26Speaker 02

  Of course I can, but say I would throw this to you, what would you have as a side dish for nachos?

• 43:31Speaker 03

  If I was to get nachos as a main?

• 43:34Speaker 02

  The thing is, then I'm thinking, you are thinking in the realm of padron peppers because you're thinking, I've basically got a starter for a main. So then you're like, I'm doing bits.

• 43:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'm gonna get some chicken strips.

• 43:45Speaker 02

  Jalapeno, jalapeno poppers.

• 43:46Speaker 03

  And like.

• 43:47Speaker 02

  That's good. Okay. I'm, I want to change my answer. Yeah. Yeah. It's like breaded, sort of, you know, deep fried. Yeah, that's great.

• 43:57Speaker 03

  You've got jalapenos and cheese on the nachos.

• 43:59Speaker 02

  Ah, again, I've been foiled by. And it would have to be like vegan cream cheese in the middle. I don't know how you feel about that. Sometimes it can be okay. The Philadelphia vegan is actually okay. I mean, is it? It's just the texture is the same. It's quite cold tasting. So, yeah. I thought Padron Peppers was a, was a good shout. No, it was more just like, I don't actually think when push comes to shove, I know what side dish is. Broccoli, yeah. But you could have, uh, that is actually, yeah.

• 44:24Speaker 03

  Loads, I mean, any, any type of veg, really, loads of vegetables.

• 44:28Speaker 02

  All right. I do quite like that tender stem broccoli.

• 44:30Speaker 03

  I thought you were gonna say chips because you said how much you love them at the start.

• 44:32Speaker 02

  I know, but I thought that, but that's not real. That does sound like I'm just. Nachos and chips is insane. That is insane.

• 44:38Speaker 03

  After two loads of bread.

• 44:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, which actually, to be honest, now I'm thinking about it, is quite on brand because I do, I will, I do get excited about the bread and I am then feeling a bit sick and sad. Like a salad or something?

• 44:49Speaker 03

  Kidney beans and mayonnaise.

• 44:51Speaker 02

  Kidney beans and mayonnaise on the side.

• 44:53Speaker 03

  How about that on the side?

• 44:54Speaker 02

  There's probably kidney beans in the nachos. There is, but I, I have been known to put some grated cheese in that. Um, another thing, just rice and soy sauce. That's okay. There isn't it. Just rice and soy sauce is okay. It's a snack. That's not gross.

• 45:06Speaker 03

  Oh, you eat that sometimes?

• 45:08Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. That you don't want that as your side dish?

• 45:11Speaker 03

  It's not gross. It's odd that that's a snack you have.

• 45:13Speaker 02

  Is it odd? Because I think I would say that's quite straightforward.

• 45:16Speaker 03

  They go together. Yeah, go together.

• 45:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's just like, I can't be bothered to make, you know, a stir fry. So I'll just get the components, rice and soy sauce. Yeah, okay.

• 45:25Speaker 03

  All the components of a stir fry.

• 45:29Speaker 02

  Very carby, isn't it? Okay, now I will stick with, I'll go, um, Padron Pepper Poppers. Oh, nice. There we go. Don't think it's ever been done before. Surely not.

• 45:38Speaker 03

  So cream cheese in the Padron Peppers and breadcrumbs all around?

• 45:41Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Padron Pepper Poppers.

• 45:43Speaker 03

  Padron Pepper Poppers. Uh, so you've never had that before, obviously. So you've just invented it?

• 45:47Speaker 02

  I've mentioned it, no.

• 45:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 45:49Speaker 02

  It's a thing. Someone must have made that. People, people have made weird things.

• 45:52Speaker 03

  I think people have stuffed a Padron Pepper before.

• 45:54Speaker 02

  Yeah. Yeah. Peter Piper.

• 45:56Speaker 03

  Peter Piper, did it?

• 45:57Speaker 02

  It's very good. Thank you.

• 46:00Speaker 02

  That's what the restaurant's called.

• 46:01Speaker 03

  Invite him to your meal? Do you think he'd get on? Do you think Peter Piper would get on with your guest list?

• 46:05Speaker 02

  He's gonna flip his lid when he sees the fucking peppers, isn't he? He'll be like, can I not have one day where people don't try and give me peppers?

• 46:11Speaker 03

  Everywhere I fucking go.

• 46:13Speaker 02

  He's better not be pickled.

• 46:16Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 46:17Speaker 02

  Pickled padron.

• 46:18Speaker 03

  Shakespeare, just like steadily pushing the plate to one side.

• 46:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 46:22Speaker 03

  Into the bin.

• 46:26Speaker 02

  What's the medieval version of nachos? Mutton?

• 46:31Speaker 02

  What's the medieval version of nachos? I don't know. Potatoes and mutton. Yeah, potatoes and mutton, I think, yeah. I met your dog. You did? Very sweet. She's lovely, yeah. Nice dog. Lovely little dog. I love dogs. I'd love to have, be surrounded by dogs as well. For the meal.

• 46:48Speaker 03

  That's nice.

• 46:49Speaker 02

  Your own dog? Definitely? Yeah, and some more. Will your dog have a special sort of position within the group of dogs? Or will they just be in the mix of? She'll have her own little chair. Yeah. With a little, um, plate of cheese. Yeah. She loves cheese.

• 47:04Speaker 03

  Does she?

• 47:05Speaker 02

  Yeah. Um, and then the other dogs can just have sort of some snacks. Yeah. As well, just because I don't want to be pestered.

• 47:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 47:13Speaker 02

  Yeah. I want to give, be able to give them some, but not enough. Um, I can't give them my food because it's got onion in it, so. Can dogs not have onion? No, I learnt that the hard way.

• 47:26Speaker 02

  Will you talk us through what happened? Um, I just found out that if they have onion, they'll die. Was that the hard way? Yeah.

• 47:33Speaker 03

  No.

• 47:35Speaker 02

  The hard way.

• 47:36Speaker 03

  The hard way is to dog dice.

• 47:37Speaker 02

  Oh, really? God. I was, I thought it was, that was.

• 47:43Speaker 03

  You've got to be careful how you use that phrase. Don't go around and say to people, I learnt that the hard way, when there's much harder ways.

• 47:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 47:50Speaker 03

  Than what, than what you went through.

• 47:52Speaker 02

  My dog's still got a brain disease, just wasn't from onions.

• 47:57Speaker 03

  I guess I could have learnt that the hard way.

• 47:59Speaker 02

  Technically, I did learn it the hard way. No, because you didn't learn anything about the onions from your dog having a brain disease. No, but I did learn the hard way.

• 48:08Speaker 03

  What do you mean?

• 48:10Speaker 02

  And like about, you know, having a dog, when you get a dog, you know, learnt that the hard way. She's now.

• 48:16Speaker 03

  About what it's like to have a dog.

• 48:17Speaker 02

  She's now got meningitis. Yeah. Yeah. But you didn't learn that dogs can't have onions the hard way. You just learnt that.

• 48:24Speaker 03

  You learnt another thing the hard way.

• 48:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 48:26Speaker 03

  But that doesn't mean you should use that phrase for every situation you're in.

• 48:29Speaker 02

  But they can't have onions, so.

• 48:32Speaker 03

  You did learn that.

• 48:33Speaker 02

  Yeah, you learned that, but not the hard way.

• 48:35Speaker 03

  Yeah, you learnt that and other things.

• 48:37Speaker 02

  Say you learnt that the easy way.

• 48:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 48:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, you learnt the fact.

• 48:43Speaker 04

  Then I've just, you know, killed her.

• 48:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, but you already knew that. So you've not learned that the hard way. You just messed up.

• 48:49Speaker 04

  But I wouldn't know that she's eating the onion.

• 48:51Speaker 03

  Sorry?

• 48:52Speaker 04

  Would I?

• 48:53Speaker 03

  What do you mean?

• 48:53Speaker 04

  Well, I wouldn't. You don't always know if a dog's eaten. Like, this is the issue. The dog can just, you won't know. You don't always know if your dog's gonna eat an onion. So you do sometimes learn the hard way.

• 49:03Speaker 03

  Yeah, you would learn the hard way, but but again, for that, you would have to not know that dogs can't eat onion. And then your dog, without your knowledge, eats an onion and dies. And then you take it to the vet and they go.

• 49:14Speaker 04

  I'm a little bit confused.

• 49:16Speaker 03

  And you've learnt the whole, well.

• 49:17Speaker 02

  At least, at least there's no onions um in your kitchen ever.

• 49:21Speaker 03

  No, but I really want to make sure that she understands this, because you are so confused. But like, I'm saying.

• 49:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:28Speaker 03

  You read a fact.

• 49:30Speaker 04

  About onions.

• 49:31Speaker 03

  Said if dogs eat onions, they die. So you read that and because of that, your dog hasn't eaten onions and nothing's happening.

• 49:37Speaker 04

  So I've learned that the hard way.

• 49:39Speaker 03

  Well, no.

• 49:41Speaker 03

  Because.

• 49:43Speaker 03

  Because your dog didn't eat it. So the hard way.

• 49:45Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 49:46Speaker 03

  Is that you feed your dog an onion and it dies.

• 49:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, and then and then you find out.

• 49:50Speaker 03

  How you learnt it.

• 49:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 49:51Speaker 02

  That's the hard way.

• 49:52Speaker 03

  That's the hard way.

• 49:53Speaker 04

  Just an expression, isn't it?

• 49:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, but it means something. So like if.

• 49:58Speaker 04

  Like, we all learn the hard way.

• 49:59Speaker 02

  You found out the hard way that dogs can get meningitis.

• 50:04Speaker 03

  When your dog got meningitis.

• 50:05Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 50:06Speaker 02

  You learn the hard way. With the onion thing, you just read that.

• 50:10Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 50:10Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 50:11Speaker 04

  Yeah. But I think my dog, I don't know if I learnt the hard way. My dog did just get meningitis.

• 50:16Speaker 02

  But did you know, did you know before that the dogs could get meningitis?

• 50:20Speaker 04

  I suppose.

• 50:23Speaker 03

  And you you already know, and then your dog later got meningitis.

• 50:26Speaker 02

  Example.

• 50:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, would have been a good example, but um.

• 50:29Speaker 04

  Yeah. Guess we learnt that the hard way.

• 50:36Speaker 03

  Main course.

• 50:37Speaker 04

  I had a really like, this was a nightmare for me because I was stuck between the two. So I'm kind of like, you have to let me get away with this, okay?

• 50:45Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 50:47Speaker 04

  All right, so the main course and side dish are kind. I have to work together because that's the only way we're gonna let this happen. But basically, the first thing I thought of when you, when I heard main course was spaghetti bolognese. I'm just gonna be honest, I know I'm gonna get a lot of shit for that. I know it's like having, it's like a Velcro moment, you know, it makes you feel uncomfortable, but we all know the feeling, you know? And that's what spaghetti bolognese is for me.

• 51:12Speaker 02

  Are we gonna ask questions?

• 51:14Speaker 03

  Oh, I don't know, because when Joyce says stuff like this, we have questions, but when we ask them, I feel like.

• 51:22Speaker 04

  I know what you're gonna say.

• 51:23Speaker 03

  I feel like we're seen as.

• 51:27Speaker 04

  Silly for not.

• 51:28Speaker 03

  Being idiots for not.

• 51:29Speaker 02

  Understanding Velcro, Velcro moment.

• 51:31Speaker 03

  And like, I mean, there's a lot of things along the way that I'm just like, I don't think you'll get any shit for saying spaghetti bolognese. Pretty much everyone loves spaghetti bolognese. But then like.

• 51:40Speaker 04

  But Italians.

• 51:41Speaker 03

  It makes you feel uncomfortable. It's like a Velcro moment and I don't know what that means about spaghetti bolognese at all.

• 51:46Speaker 04

  Because like, okay, it just made sense in my brain, but basically I turned twenty seven recently and I asked for a fry tag bag. Cause they're like really durable and like, um, you could literally like, you know, be in the worst weather ever and it would be fine. They won't get damaged. And I really like practical things. It might be a potential gay thing. I don't know. But being twenty seven and having Velcro is really.

• 52:10Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 52:10Speaker 04

  It's really humbling because we've all been there, right? We've all had Velcro shoes or like Velcro something because there was a time we couldn't tie things up. So there's something really warming and like nice about it and nostalgic. But at the same time, I just feel like a walad on the tube and I'm trying to get my fucking lip liner out and there's just.

• 52:31Speaker 04

  You know, twenty seven, trying to like maybe do some dodgy eye contact with someone on the tube. And then the next thing you know, the Velcro happens. And although it's, it's a familiar feeling, it's nonetheless an embarrassing one. And that's how I feel about spaghetti bolognese.

• 52:46Speaker 02

  That's absolutely perfect. I completely understand now. James?

• 52:49Speaker 03

  No.

• 52:50Speaker 04

  Come on, James.

• 52:51Speaker 02

  Come on, James.

• 52:54Speaker 02

  It's nostalgic, it makes you feel good.

• 52:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 52:58Speaker 02

  But from the outside perspective.

• 53:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 53:01Speaker 02

  It's quite sort of remedial and childish.

• 53:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:05Speaker 02

  Yes?

• 53:05Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:06Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 53:06Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 53:07Speaker 02

  Yes?

• 53:08Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 53:08Speaker 02

  It's not often.

• 53:09Speaker 03

  Normally it has to.

• 53:10Speaker 02

  Yes, this is what I was about to say. Normally I have to translate what James has said to the guest. This is the first time I've had to do it the other way around.

• 53:17Speaker 04

  Cool.

• 53:17Speaker 02

  But it's nice to know I can always be the middle man in every situation.

• 53:20Speaker 03

  Yeah, well done man. I feel good.

• 53:22Speaker 02

  I understand both of you.

• 53:23Speaker 04

  You're smashing it.

• 53:24Speaker 02

  Thank you.

• 53:25Speaker 03

  Um, okay, got you.

• 53:27Speaker 02

  Do you?

• 53:28Speaker 03

  I think so.

• 53:29Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 53:29Speaker 03

  I, I, the, the confusing thing about the Velcro thing was the fact that you're twenty, was using the twenty seven thing. So I was like, that's so young.

• 53:35Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 53:36Speaker 03

  But I felt like you were using it like twenty seven was not.

• 53:39Speaker 02

  But it's not, it's old for Velcro.

• 53:41Speaker 04

  It's old for Velcro. Yeah.

• 53:43Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 53:43Speaker 04

  Yeah, I'm not gonna sit here and play my tiny violin. I left it at home.

• 53:48Speaker 02

  Next to the.

• 53:49Speaker 04

  I did buy one.

• 53:49Speaker 02

  A tiny violin?

• 53:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 53:51Speaker 02

  How, how small are we talking?

• 53:52Speaker 04

  It's this big.

• 53:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 53:53Speaker 04

  So like, what's that like? Small?

• 53:55Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's small.

• 53:56Speaker 04

  And then it comes with a bow and it has this little button on it because it's battery powered and if.

• 54:01Speaker 02

  You can use it and unplug it.

• 54:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, you can literally press down on the button bit, but that's where the bow would go and it plays a tiny little sad tune.

• 54:09Speaker 02

  That's good.

• 54:10Speaker 03

  Is it sometimes when you're recording music and you have like novel things like that around? Cause they're so novel, do you really hope it'll work on the song? And is it really gutting if you do record them, use them back and go, that's not it?

• 54:24Speaker 04

  You can make it work though, because you can manipulate it afterwards, can't you?

• 54:28Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 54:28Speaker 04

  Like you can change the pitch and make it work. But I just like it because my mates.

• 54:32Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 54:32Speaker 04

  Just all my boyfriend who start gabbing on about something, I just get the tiny violin out.

• 54:38Speaker 03

  Just press it down like that.

• 54:39Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:40Speaker 03

  Stand there.

• 54:41Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 54:41Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 54:42Speaker 04

  And he wonders how he's ever gonna spoon me again.

• 54:47Speaker 02

  That's what he's wondering, is it?

• 54:48Speaker 04

  I think so.

• 54:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 54:52Speaker 03

  Is the spaghetti bolognese homemade?

• 54:53Speaker 04

  Yeah, it has to be. It could be made by like a nonna, but like I feel like a nonna would be just cussing me out and I just don't wanna be cussed by an auntie and. I think if we're having this dream restaurant, I don't think genie. Are gonna allow any kind of.

• 55:06Speaker 02

  Cussing.

• 55:07Speaker 04

  We're just like angry, like angry auntie energy. I could deal with like a funny auntie.

• 55:13Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:14Speaker 04

  You know, one that kind of smokes in the kitchen type of thing.

• 55:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's cool.

• 55:17Speaker 04

  That's cool.

• 55:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:18Speaker 04

  So I think an auntie that smokes in the kitchen.

• 55:20Speaker 02

  Is cooking.

• 55:21Speaker 04

  And it's kind of a little bit fit in like a way where like when you're in your twenties, you're a big problem.

• 55:28Speaker 02

  You can see the history in the eyes of.

• 55:30Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still a little sparkle.

• 55:32Speaker 04

  Yeah, I have an Italian name. I came up with, yeah, I have like an Italian alter ego. My Italian name is John Cena.

• 55:39Speaker 02

  John Cena.

• 55:44Speaker 04

  You're not pronouncing it right.

• 55:45Speaker 02

  Sorry. Your Italian name is John Cena.

• 55:50Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 55:50Speaker 02

  Yeah. And is that where you've got it from?

• 55:54Speaker 04

  By accident.

• 55:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 55:56Speaker 04

  I said it out loud and then my boyfriend said the exact same thing. He said, John Cena.

• 56:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:01Speaker 04

  And I was like, oh, well, that's it.

• 56:05Speaker 02

  Oh, you're glad to see me.

• 56:07Speaker 04

  So this auntie in the kitchen that smokes fags and is a little bit fit. Her name is Johnson.

• 56:11Speaker 02

  Yeah, okay. And is it, if you look closely, is it clearly John Cena wearing a, wearing a wig?

• 56:16Speaker 04

  Yes.

• 56:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:17Speaker 04

  Yes, it is.

• 56:18Speaker 02

  Good on him.

• 56:18Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 56:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, good for him.

• 56:20Speaker 04

  So that's what we'll have for mains. Oh, and you get, and we actually have a refill station, but it's just for Parmesan.

• 56:26Speaker 02

  Okay, you like a lot of Parmesan on there and you wanna keep refreshing it as you're going along.

• 56:30Speaker 04

  So I don't like when everyone puts it all at the top. What I think you need to have is the little tub and then layer, eat that layer, go in for the next layer.

• 56:38Speaker 02

  That's nice.

• 56:38Speaker 04

  That layer.

• 56:39Speaker 02

  Yeah. Great.

• 56:40Speaker 04

  That's how I do it.

• 56:40Speaker 02

  When you say refill station, I'm imagining like a drinks.

• 56:44Speaker 04

  Yeah, exactly that. But then it's just like dandruffy fucking Parmesan. Also, the Parmesan isn't gonna be like them weird shaved ones. It's gonna be like, like that needs head and shoulders type of Parmesan.

• 56:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 56:57Speaker 04

  Like really, really psoriasis-y.

• 57:00Speaker 02

  But proper Parmesan, like just grated heavily. Not like shit Parmesan.

• 57:04Speaker 04

  No, no, no, it's not shit. It's like whatever. What's the posh one called? Like.

• 57:09Speaker 02

  Gran a padano?

• 57:10Speaker 04

  No, that's the cheat one actually. I didn't realise. I always thought I was doing solid by buying that. So fucking Parmesan. It's B tech Parmesan.

• 57:20Speaker 02

  What's the posh Parmesan called, Benito?

• 57:21Speaker 03

  Holco Hugano.

• 57:25Speaker 04

  Holco Hugano.

• 57:27Speaker 03

  It's called that.

• 57:28Speaker 02

  Stony or cold? Yeah, Parmigiano Reggiano, surely.

• 57:32Speaker 04

  Parmigiano Reggiano. Sounds made up, doesn't it?

• 57:35Speaker 02

  It does sound made up, but I always sing it in my head.

• 57:37Speaker 04

  But it's like a big one, like one of them big wheels. That's like the right colour.

• 57:41Speaker 02

  Have you ever seen him crack the wheel?

• 57:44Speaker 04

  Excuse me?

• 57:45Speaker 02

  Have you ever seen him crack the wheel?

• 57:46Speaker 04

  I've never seen anyone crack the wheel.

• 57:48Speaker 02

  A fresh wheel, completely covered, and then they have to put in like spikes at the side. And then they like tap the spikes in and then you hear a crack.

• 57:57Speaker 04

  Oh, it's that hard?

• 57:58Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's like a loud crack and the whole thing lifts off.

• 58:01Speaker 04

  That's really interesting. I've never heard of that. I will watch that on TikTok.

• 58:04Speaker 02

  It's good. It's satisfying. I've seen it happen live and it's a wonderful experience.

• 58:08Speaker 04

  I wonder if there's like an omen for that.

• 58:10Speaker 02

  An omen?

• 58:10Speaker 04

  Like if you crack a, you know, like we should come up with a proverb, like an Italian one. Like.

• 58:17Speaker 02

  Yeah. Oh, yeah.

• 58:18Speaker 04

  You never really know him till he cracks a wheel.

• 58:19Speaker 02

  Until he cracks a wheel. Yeah.

• 58:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think that works. That's a good one.

• 58:24Speaker 04

  Thanks.

• 58:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 58:25Speaker 04

  What would, which one would you do?

• 58:28Speaker 03

  Sure I could, I could improve on that joint. Your dream starter. So I think a lot about Teletubby food.

• 58:38Speaker 03

  No?

• 58:39Speaker 02

  Yeah. No, keep going. Yeah, well, now, yeah.

• 58:42Speaker 03

  On the way here, I was listening to a song that mentioned Teletubbies.

• 58:45Speaker 02

  Was it the Teletubbies theme?

• 58:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 58:47Speaker 02

  Cause it does mention it a lot.

• 58:48Speaker 03

  That soundtrack bangs. Yeah, yeah. But, but yeah, it made me think, oh, I thought about Teletubbies today. Just, no, you brought them up.

• 58:55Speaker 02

  Now, I think about it all the time.

• 58:56Speaker 03

  This morning, I think about that, you know, that like that pink custard that used to pipe through the bowl, like the pipe.

• 59:03Speaker 02

  Tubby custard.

• 59:03Speaker 03

  Tubby custard. I think about the smiley face toast.

• 59:07Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:08Speaker 03

  And it's like therapy in it. It's just soothing. Like, yeah, I wanna, I wanna be there.

• 59:13Speaker 02

  Hmm, okay.

• 59:13Speaker 03

  In Teletubby land.

• 59:14Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 59:15Speaker 03

  I don't want none of the Teletubbies there, cause that's creepy.

• 59:17Speaker 02

  Yeah, sure.

• 59:17Speaker 03

  Right? We're past that now.

• 59:19Speaker 02

  Do you have a gig with?

• 59:20Speaker 03

  Winky. Did I have a gig with Tinky Winky? Yeah, yeah, a few of us have that. He was a comedian. He was like an alternative comic from the eighties.

• 59:29Speaker 03

  But he played Tinky Winky, so you'd occasionally be on a bill with him and everyone would say to you, you know, that's Tinky Winky. Would you talk about it? Yeah, sometimes he'd talk about it on stage, but like, you know, obviously they wouldn't believe him because they just assumed the comedians are lying. So you would kind of see him talk about being Tinky Winky and I was like, Hmm, don't think so, mate. But like, we knew. Tinky, he's a green one, innit? The purple one. Oh, he wasn't the one with the hat? No, it's the tallest one. Dipsy had the hat. That's hard though, innit? You're not even the star. Yeah. Because the hat. Yeah. He was the, he was the solo career kind of. Yeah, I know. I think you ask different people, they'll tell you different, you know, Telly Tubby's with the star because they're the, you know, they resonated with that person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe you're just like a Dipsy guy. And I identify with Poe quite a lot.

• 1:00:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. She was like the afterthought. Yeah, always last.

• 1:00:22Speaker 03

  Oh, guess Poe is all. But you don't want any of them to be there while, while you're eating your meal. I know it's adults in like costumes and then I feel like that's like virgin, you know, like sort of baby fetish territory.

• 1:00:37Speaker 03

  Do you know what I mean? But I want my friends there. I want like my perfect birthday would be, we'd like take, you know, like you can get an Airbnb and go be in a castle for a bit or whatever. What friends? Which friends? It's all the people you didn't mention in your BAFTA speech. Yeah.

• 1:00:53Speaker 03

  Imagine taking your therapist to Telly Tubby land. You'd get into it, innit? Yeah. He'd be like, well, let's, let's unpack this.

• 1:01:02Speaker 03

  Friends who won't unpack shit. Yeah. Or unpack the psychology of like why I'm desperate to go back to that time when, you know, that, that show was so soothing. Hmm. You know, like when life was easier, basically, you know. Life's easy in, in Tubby land, right? In Telly Tubby land. Yeah, the sun's. And laugh. The sun.

• 1:01:20Speaker 02

  The sun's a baby.

• 1:01:20Speaker 03

  The sun's a fucking baby, man. The sun can be there.

• 1:01:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:23Speaker 03

  The sun can be there.

• 1:01:24Speaker 02

  The sun can be there. What about the Hoover?

• 1:01:28Speaker 03

  Anyone who's not like a man in a suit.

• 1:01:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:01:30Speaker 03

  Do you know what I mean?

• 1:01:31Speaker 02

  So the Hoover can be there, Nunu.

• 1:01:32Speaker 03

  Nunu's there. Yeah, Nunu's there. And also because we're gonna make a mess.

• 1:01:37Speaker 03

  Racks and lines of coke that are gonna need to be cut out, do you know what I mean?

• 1:01:40Speaker 02

  Well, Papa Dom's for a start.

• 1:01:44Speaker 03

  Popcorn out your face. He's gonna be working overtime, I wish those tubbies were back.

• 1:01:51Speaker 03

  It feels unethical now, isn't it? It's like, is Nunu getting paid? Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

• 1:01:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:01:56Speaker 03

  You know in lockdown when the Kardashians had that like holiday and they had like the help in the background wearing masks? Obviously not. Obviously, I don't know about that, but yeah. Oh, sure. Yeah, during lockdown, they threw a party. Yeah. And there was like photos of like the help in the background, like, like serving and like in masks and stuff. Anyways, that's what I want Nunu to be. Yeah, okay.

• 1:02:16Speaker 02

  Do you want tubby custard and tubby toasters your starter then?

• 1:02:19Speaker 03

  I want tubby toast.

• 1:02:20Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:21Speaker 03

  Cause let's not get crazy. No, I'm not trying to have dessert before my main, do you know what I mean? That would have been nice though. I would have liked that. If you had tubby custard and tubby toast. Yeah, I hear you. May- maybe we could dip it in. Surely you wanna dip the tubby.

• 1:02:34Speaker 02

  Cause they go together, right?

• 1:02:35Speaker 03

  See what it's like.

• 1:02:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, and it just, the main thing is it needs to look really plasticky. Like it needs, do you know what I mean? It can't, because it looks so vague and that's why it was so delicious.

• 1:02:45Speaker 02

  What do you think tubby custard and tubby toast tastes like?

• 1:02:49Speaker 03

  Uh, I reckon like, um, art department making food, which is not real food.

• 1:02:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:02:56Speaker 03

  Do you know what I mean? But if I was to really suspend my disbelief and what I wanted it to taste like as a kid, the toast would taste like, um, you know, those edible, you know, you get like some things that look like they're not edible, but then they are like little marble cakes or mar- you know what I mean?

• 1:03:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:03:15Speaker 03

  Marble cake, yeah, yeah. No, you know, when the sugar like goes all shiny, because the way it's like cooked on and it's like snaps in your mouth. That's what I want. To taste like. Oh, now I'm confused.

• 1:03:23Speaker 02

  Like sort of glazed, like with the, yeah.

• 1:03:26Speaker 03

  You know almond nuts, yeah? Mm hmm. You know, sometimes they put like a sugar coating on them. Yes. Yeah. Okay. And then they're like. Yeah, yeah, little shell. Yeah, shell, shell.

• 1:03:36Speaker 02

  It's another like.

• 1:03:37Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:03:37Speaker 02

  Course.

• 1:03:38Speaker 03

  It's all about that, yeah.

• 1:03:39Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:39Speaker 03

  It's like a really thick poppadom.

• 1:03:40Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:41Speaker 03

  With glazing.

• 1:03:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:43Speaker 03

  Okay. Like, like if someone got a poppadom and put like Krispy Kreme, Krispy Kreme glaze on it. Yes. Like if you put it through the glaze curtain.

• 1:03:50Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, but it's hardened. The whole thing's that hard.

• 1:03:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:03:53Speaker 03

  I wanna do this in like.

• 1:03:55Speaker 02

  Royal icing, I think. It might be like royal icing.

• 1:03:57Speaker 03

  Yeah. I'm thinking about like Krispy Kreme glaze now on a poppadom.

• 1:04:00Speaker 02

  You said Krispy Kreme, actually.

• 1:04:02Speaker 03

  I did say that earlier. I, I, I know the us, us struggled with Tobby Casted.

• 1:04:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:07Speaker 03

  And like, it's all, all these words now are confusing me. Would you go through the glaze curtain? Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. If someone, if someone at Krispy Kreme was like, lay down on that conveyor belt. Absolutely. You just go through the. Absolutely. Yeah. And be covered in it.

• 1:04:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:23Speaker 03

  Yeah. Uh, you laying on it, on your back, on your front? On, on my back because my front, I've got a bit of a hairy chest.

• 1:04:30Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:04:31Speaker 03

  Hair's just complicated with glaze, you know, we've all been there. It's, it's a nightmare. Yeah, yeah. Getting it out, do you know what I mean?

• 1:04:37Speaker 02

  I think at this point in my life, my, um, I never had a hairy chest. My back's hairier than my front.

• 1:04:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:04:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:43Speaker 03

  Is it?

• 1:04:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think so.

• 1:04:44Speaker 03

  Wow, man. You, you wear that like a badge of honour.

• 1:04:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, rarely.

• 1:04:47Speaker 03

  That's a vibe.

• 1:04:48Speaker 02

  Rarely check out the old back to see what's going on there. But when I do, I'm like.

• 1:04:52Speaker 03

  That's the last place you want someone to be sick.

• 1:04:53Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:04:54Speaker 03

  Exactly. Much rather go Barrymore, get, get, get it on my chest.

• 1:04:58Speaker 02

  Get it on my chest. Get that fizzy sick on my chest. For God's sake, Barrymore.

• 1:05:01Speaker 03

  Pepsi vomit.

• 1:05:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:05:03Speaker 03

  To get out then glaze.

• 1:05:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:05:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, that is very hard. Imagine going for the Michael Barrymore vom curtain.

• 1:05:10Speaker 03

  Get a conveyor belt. They've rigged Barrymore up. He's had, he's had ten Pepsi Maxes.

• 1:05:14Speaker 02

  We don't title these episodes like some podcasts do, but I think if we did, it would be called, this episode will be the Michael, Michael Barrymore vom curtain.

• 1:05:21Speaker 03

  Yeah. Vom curtain. Yeah. Barrymore. So yeah, dream starter.

• 1:05:25Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:05:25Speaker 03

  Yeah. It's.

• 1:05:26Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:05:26Speaker 03

  Tobby Tasty.

• 1:05:27Speaker 02

  What's, what's Tobby Casted tasting like, do you think?

• 1:05:30Speaker 03

  Uh.

• 1:05:30Speaker 02

  Sweet?

• 1:05:31Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Cause otherwise it would be gung, wouldn't it? Like you'd just be eating.

• 1:05:36Speaker 02

  Sure.

• 1:05:37Speaker 03

  Yeah, we want sweet. We don't want it too sweet so you can have loads of it.

• 1:05:40Speaker 02

  Mm hmm.

• 1:05:41Speaker 03

  I think like, again, you know, the, you know. The Krispy Kreme filling kind of doughnut filling like that, but pink.

• 1:05:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:05:48Speaker 03

  Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I like this. How old are you guys? You're younger than me by years. Thirty nine. Thirty nine. Okay, we're close. You're younger than me.

• 1:05:55Speaker 02

  Thirty eight.

• 1:05:56Speaker 03

  Thirty eight?

• 1:05:56Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:05:57Speaker 03

  When's your birthday? Let me guess. I do not know either. Ben, I don't know yours. I will guess all three of your birthdays separately. Okay.

• 1:06:04Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:06:04Speaker 03

  This is a special skill that I do. Yes, yes. Okay.

• 1:06:07Speaker 02

  Is it like the impressions?

• 1:06:09Speaker 03

  It's just like my impressions. Then it'll be perfect. Um, April thirteenth? Not far off. What is it? That's correct. Right. That means I'm within two and a half weeks. Okay. Okay. If I get within two and a half weeks, that's unbelievable, Ben.

• 1:06:20Speaker 02

  That's the rule.

• 1:06:20Speaker 03

  It's crazy. You didn't even react. You guys are too British. That's unbelievable. Believe me, you wouldn't be saying that's unbelievable. That's true. That's right. Okay. Uh, give me a second. Yeah. Ben doesn't react to anything. Just don't ever take it personally with him. We've been doing this podcast for a long time. He just sits there like he's not coining it in. God, you laughed at the genie part. You laugh every time at the genie part? No, he hates the genie part. I always hear him when there's left going predictable. July sixth. January ninth. Oh.

• 1:06:48Speaker 02

  You got the J.

• 1:06:49Speaker 03

  September tenth.

• 1:06:49Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:06:50Speaker 03

  October fourth.

• 1:06:51Speaker 02

  But hang on, you got the number right.

• 1:06:54Speaker 03

  I, I, I think in your head, you saw for me, it begins with J and you saw the number nine and you flipped it upside down. Yeah. And I was trying to think, I was trying to January sixth, the big thing that happened in America and DC. I was like, you're definitely born around that time. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:07:06Speaker 02

  On that day.

• 1:07:07Speaker 03

  You're the tenth, but it's not that.

• 1:07:08Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:07:09Speaker 03

  February tenth.

• 1:07:10Speaker 02

  No, March.

• 1:07:11Speaker 03

  You're so close though.

• 1:07:12Speaker 02

  Oh.

• 1:07:12Speaker 03

  To get the tenth straight. Is this what the podcast is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a hundred percent what the podcast is. I love this. I love this. I love how you're, you're initiating these games and then you ask us, is this what the podcast is?

• 1:07:25Speaker 02

  Uh, we've got two more projects to talk about.

• 1:07:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, sorry. Oh, sorry. DNA. So we're, we just attached Yorma and we're, uh, eking towards a green light, which is very exciting. And we haven't, I'm not allowed to say what it's about yet. It's, it's under wraps. The plot, the plot is under wraps.

• 1:07:39Speaker 02

  That's cool.

• 1:07:40Speaker 03

  But I wrote it, I've written many drafts. The first draft was written years ago for a searchlight. And then we attached party over here, which is Yorma, Andy and, um, Akiva. And then we attached Yorma as director and now we're fixing the script up to hopefully shoot with me and Sam Rockwell, who's won an Oscar and he's doing a movie. Oscar for three billboards. Oh, yeah. He was, uh, he was the.

• 1:08:00Speaker 02

  Here we go.

• 1:08:01Speaker 03

  He was great in, uh, Green Mile. Remember him in Green Mile? Very good. Yeah. That's when I first saw him and I was like. He was in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is.

• 1:08:09Speaker 05

  As lead thug.

• 1:08:10Speaker 02

  Now I'm interested.

• 1:08:11Speaker 05

  You gotta see a picture of him. He's amazing.

• 1:08:12Speaker 03

  Thug in that?

• 1:08:13Speaker 05

  He's wearing a white t-shirt and he has like cigarettes underneath his white shirt.

• 1:08:17Speaker 02

  Always the coolest thing.

• 1:08:18Speaker 05

  The coolest.

• 1:08:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:08:20Speaker 05

  God.

• 1:08:20Speaker 03

  Mike and Nick and Nick and Alice. Does the name Vince Vaughn mean anything to you?

• 1:08:25Speaker 05

  A little bit. Did a little role in that. Small little role in that. We just wrapped that. That was very fun. There's a very, Ben David who directed it, did Scott Pilgrim, the animated series and is a genius. And he called me and had this really fun role and he pitched it to me and showed me the storyboards. And it was so cool. I was like, gotta do it. So I did that. That was really fun. James Marsden is in that, who's also in Sonic.

• 1:08:48Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:08:49Speaker 05

  One, two and three.

• 1:08:49Speaker 03

  Did you, is this your first time meeting James Marsden face to face? Cause in Sonic, you're cartoon.

• 1:08:53Speaker 05

  That's true. This is, I met him during publicity, but you're right.

• 1:08:57Speaker 03

  Must be weird.

• 1:08:58Speaker 02

  I like to imagine you on set in Sonic, just sort of painted blue, walking around doing the voice.

• 1:09:03Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's what I'm, I'm just hanging out.

• 1:09:04Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:09:05Speaker 05

  I don't smoke cigarettes, but I imagine I'm smoking cigarettes. Smoking cigarettes, being like, all right, another one. Yeah, yeah. I feel like that could be me.

• 1:09:11Speaker 03

  Do you think you could, if you had to be Sonic in real life, you could do it?

• 1:09:14Speaker 05

  Tell me what that means. Take me through what that means and I'll tell you yes or no.

• 1:09:18Speaker 03

  Run really fast, run into all the coins, run upside down.

• 1:09:21Speaker 05

  Rings, coins is Mario, keep going. Anything else you wanna shit on?

• 1:09:25Speaker 02

  Getting hit and dropping rings everywhere.

• 1:09:26Speaker 05

  There you go. That's a good one. Yeah, yeah. Picking up my barrel and throwing it like Donkey Kong.

• 1:09:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:09:30Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:09:31Speaker 03

  And you have to defeat Robotnik at the end and Robotnik is Jim Carrey.

• 1:09:34Speaker 05

  Jim Carrey's amazing.

• 1:09:35Speaker 03

  So do you, could you beat him in a fight?

• 1:09:37Speaker 05

  In real life? No. Jim Carrey, nothing can absolutely destroy me. A hundred percent. You ever see Truman Show?

• 1:09:41Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:09:42Speaker 05

  He can do anything.

• 1:09:42Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:09:43Speaker 03

  In Truman Show, does he beat someone up in Truman Show?

• 1:09:45Speaker 05

  No, he probably gets beaten up.

• 1:09:46Speaker 03

  He gets his ass handed to him a lot.

• 1:09:48Speaker 05

  He does.

• 1:09:48Speaker 03

  But then that's kind of.

• 1:09:48Speaker 05

  By weather and by people.

• 1:09:50Speaker 03

  Yeah. Ed Harris is pretty mean to him actually.

• 1:09:53Speaker 05

  Yeah, and wears very small glasses. Do you remember how small his glasses were?

• 1:09:56Speaker 03

  Tiny glasses.

• 1:09:57Speaker 05

  Yeah, two little monocles tied together. Great movie though.

• 1:10:00Speaker 02

  That was one of the for him and Robin Williams for you guys are both comedians. Him and Robin Williams doing drama was such a big deal for me to see because growing up, I'd never seen a comedian do drama before. And then I saw Robin Williams do it and I saw Jim Carrey do it. I was like, oh, we're allowed to do both.

• 1:10:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:10:13Speaker 02

  And it was a huge eye opener. And so Jim, that and Eternal Sunshine was huge to see as a kid.

• 1:10:19Speaker 03

  I spoke to David Cross recently on his podcast.

• 1:10:21Speaker 02

  Yep.

• 1:10:22Speaker 03

  And he would not, I kept saying to him every now, you know, how often a week do you think to yourself, I was in Eternal Sunshine? And he's like, never.

• 1:10:29Speaker 02

  Oh, really?

• 1:10:29Speaker 03

  And I was like, come on.

• 1:10:30Speaker 02

  It has to be all the time.

• 1:10:31Speaker 03

  Come on. I would think it all the time.

• 1:10:33Speaker 02

  All the time.

• 1:10:33Speaker 03

  Now, I was trying to quote one of his lines to him. I am building a birdhouse.

• 1:10:37Speaker 02

  Very good.

• 1:10:37Speaker 03

  And he, we wouldn't have any of that.

• 1:10:39Speaker 02

  No. He didn't, he didn't understand.

• 1:10:40Speaker 03

  He wasn't inviting.

• 1:10:41Speaker 02

  No, he didn't want to play with you. I get it.

• 1:10:43Speaker 03

  We haven't tried to guess your birthday.

• 1:10:44Speaker 02

  Women try to guess my birthday?

• 1:10:46Speaker 03

  We haven't, women do.

• 1:10:47Speaker 02

  Do women, do women try to guess your birthday? Do you want to try? This is, I think you guys can get it. Yeah. I'll zap it to you. This is the thing you didn't give to me. I will zap it to your head. I was zapping, man. You were not. I was zapping the number. You were zapping the number. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:10:57Speaker 03

  Zap it into my head.

• 1:10:58Speaker 02

  I'm really doing it.

• 1:10:59Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:10:59Speaker 02

  It's in your head. I can see it. Just say the first thing you're thinking of.

• 1:11:02Speaker 03

  September?

• 1:11:03Speaker 02

  This is unbelievable.

• 1:11:04Speaker 03

  Is it September?

• 1:11:05Speaker 02

  Keep going. I'm not gonna say it's or no, it's here, done.

• 1:11:06Speaker 03

  Are you fucking with me?

• 1:11:07Speaker 02

  It doesn't matter. Keep going. Just whatever you feel.

• 1:11:08Speaker 03

  The fifteenth. Google it. Bonito, Google it. Fifteenth of September.

• 1:11:16Speaker 02

  No, you are kidding me. You must have looked it up before.

• 1:11:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, I looked up.

• 1:11:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, I saw it. When I said, you call him, she was, he was looking at.

• 1:11:23Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. I left just enough time.

• 1:11:25Speaker 02

  I thought you were just on Twitter for some reason. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. The genie just goes on Twitter for no reason. I'd, I'd put a little mark, a little sticker on in my head going like, be horrible to James afterwards and really take him to task for going on his phone during the podcast. Cause he's never, he's never done that before. I couldn't believe it. Really? Yeah. That was really rude. I was like, oh, I guess this is what everybody's chill. Everybody's chill here. I guess it must have felt like a sort of cool, American, like bro podcast where they're all on their phones. Yeah, yeah. It feels like, yeah, I'm sure their podcasts are based on their phones, right?

• 1:11:50Speaker 03

  But I thought, I'll look at Ben's birthday.

• 1:11:52Speaker 02

  You did that so well. You delivered that so well.

• 1:11:55Speaker 03

  Then later on, I'll, I'll bring it up. But I thought I'd do it now, cause I don't want the whole podcast for you to be sitting there going, I fucking gums on his phone.

• 1:12:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, sure. I'm happy to. I didn't like it that you were doing that. Even though it gave us that moment, I still don't like it. Of course not. Would you take it back in an instant? Yeah. Of course. Oh, wow. Live and die by the sword. It's worth it for me.

• 1:12:12Speaker 03

  One of your genie wishes to be go back in time and stop doing that?

• 1:12:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's one of my three wishes to make you never look at your phone.

• 1:12:16Speaker 03

  Poison myself?

• 1:12:17Speaker 02

  Poison. Yeah. A food-based poisoning. As you saw, as you see, I have strong feelings about many, many. So that's, that's a possible starter. Besides that, you know salads. Let's talk about salads. I've heard you talk about Caesar salads. Yeah. Well. As you know, I like garlic. I like anchovies, but listen to this. I have, I'll bet you've never heard this, and I've never said this publicly. Okay, then we got an exclusive.

• 1:12:42Speaker 05

  There we go.

• 1:12:42Speaker 02

  Okay. Anchovies. I love them. I love them on pizza.

• 1:12:46Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:12:46Speaker 02

  I love, when I was a kid, I remember opening that tin and what's this? This is the saltiest fish. I love salty things. So I went, great, great. I ate the whole tin. And it was wrapped up with a little caper in the middle. By the way, I like a caper. But, but in, in my, in moderation, I'm not sure what, how I feel about those big capers. They call those capers too, with the big stem. Caper berries. They say caper berries sometimes? Caper berries. Yeah. I'm not sure how I feel. It's okay, but I'm not sure. I would, hey, speaking of which, do you know that fruit that is so omnipresent in everything? That stick, those little twigs with the bunch, it looks like, you know, Christmas holly, those little red berries. What are those called?

• 1:13:29Speaker 02

  And you can take them off like that or take it off like that. Yeah. And they're kind of tart. What are those called? You know what I'm talking about? I'm not, I know what you're talking about. I'm not sure what they're called though. Yeah, neither do I. They're okay, but you know, not my favorite. Speaking of which, nuts.

• 1:13:44Speaker 02

  Nuts. Because yesterday we had a, we were on the plane, we got a ramekin, by the way, that's the correct term, that little thing. Absolutely. And um, you know what I like these days? Well, I like a salty nut. Yes, me too. And I like a warm nut. Mm-hmm. And I like, I think the best, I pick them out first, something like a walnut or a pecan. I think that's great. And I like if it's salty or spicy or sugary. Yeah. You know, that's okay for me too. Cashew probably is my next choice there. Almonds, it has to be really savory or, or sweet. Yeah. Um, you know what I don't like?

• 1:14:19Speaker 05

  I don't like, here's why, here's why water is, when water is really good. Mmm. To wet the whistle. I like that. Now, what I don't like is, peanut is fine, because those are salty. I don't know about shelling things.

• 1:14:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:14:34Speaker 05

  As a matter of fact, I don't know about edamame.

• 1:14:36Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:14:37Speaker 05

  Unless it's salty on the outside, and you get some of that salty.

• 1:14:40Speaker 02

  Oh, I love that. Suck the pods.

• 1:14:42Speaker 05

  Yeah. But peanuts, okay. Pistachios, I like if they're very salty, but I don't know if I, I don't want to do work.

• 1:14:50Speaker 02

  They do bags of the, they shell them for you, right?

• 1:14:53Speaker 05

  And that's good, but then I can go to, to, you quickly, you know, I, I, you put 20 in my mouth at the same time. It's probably good to have to work, but I don't like to work. My kids like a lobster with some tools, and they say, watch this, and they'll go to work. Or they take a, they, they eat me, they're, they're meat eaters. And for good or ill, you know, I'm sorry, if, if, if, if, if you don't like it. But they, they get a, they get a bone, and they go to town on that bone, or a chicken. And they like, are far, like in.

• 1:15:26Speaker 02

  But I think if you're gonna be.

• 1:15:27Speaker 05

  2001.

• 1:15:27Speaker 02

  If you're gonna be a meat eater, you've got to have the bones, you've got to have all of that.

• 1:15:30Speaker 05

  So I'm not a meat eater these days, and I've never liked the bones. I've always liked meatloaf, or a meatball, or bolognese sauce, or ragu, something that's already done for me. I don't want to work, and I don't want to come upon anything that's like gristle, or tendon, or anything. I don't like that. So I don't think I'm, I think I'm a natural non-meat eater. Now I'm eating, you know, fish and this and that. Anyway, I got started on that, hey, you know what nut I don't like? Brazil nut, the large Brazil nut. Boy, that's a boring nut. I'm sorry.

• 1:16:01Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:16:01Speaker 05

  All your Brazil nut lovers.

• 1:16:02Speaker 02

  You go to hell.

• 1:16:03Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. I like the macadamia nut.

• 1:16:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:16:07Speaker 05

  Maybe a little fatty, but I like it especially when it's sugared and something like that. Anyway, don't get me started.

• 1:16:13Speaker 02

  Today's episode of the Off Menu Podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.

• 1:16:20Speaker 03

  Oh, man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has. The plan, do you know what I mean?

• 1:16:25Speaker 02

  I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy. Sofers, dining, storage, rugs, bedroom, even outdoor, all designed to make your space feel put together without the usual furniture stress. And James, we talk about dream meals on this podcast, but you know what? We very rarely talk about where we want to eat this dream meal.

• 1:16:45Speaker 03

  Sure, yeah, I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the setting, the vibe. And Cozy's modular customizable furniture for the whole home does just that.

• 1:16:55Speaker 02

  And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room. And I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful cozy table, linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James, you're a mucky pup.

• 1:17:17Speaker 03

  I'm gonna spill stuff everywhere. Is that gonna ruin the cozy furniture?

• 1:17:20Speaker 02

  No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs. You telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere, don't worry, you can pop it in the wash.

• 1:17:32Speaker 03

  Oh, so you're saying Cozy makes every day at home feel like my best day?

• 1:17:36Speaker 02

  Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles and every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well. And that's where Cozy comes in.

• 1:17:52Speaker 03

  And because it's cozy, the furniture isn't just good looking, but actually practical. Modular pieces, easy assembly, washable and interchangeable covers and free design consultations if you want help making the whole room work.

• 1:18:04Speaker 02

  And it's easy to order, ship and assemble and maintain, James. The only way is the cozy way.

• 1:18:10Speaker 03

  Visit Cozy today, that's C O Z E Y dot com and make yourself at home.

• 1:18:23Speaker 03

  We love a good character on off menu and one guest really got us laughing.

• 1:18:29Speaker 02

  Here's Sharon Wonjohey trying to impress a date. This is up there moment of 25 for me, I think.

• 1:18:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:18:42Speaker 02

  See, this is another nostalgic dish. This is nostalgia for certain times of your life.

• 1:18:46Speaker 04

  It is. It's a crisp ribena.

• 1:18:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:18:49Speaker 04

  I'm on a Monday bike and there's a boy I fancy two streets down and I'm riding and I fall off and I scrape my knee. Ah, ah. I go up to the boy, uh, hey, I scraped my knee.

• 1:19:07Speaker 02

  This has got to be a clip because people have got to see Sharon's face when she's doing it.

• 1:19:11Speaker 03

  I can't be doing it.

• 1:19:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:19:13Speaker 04

  I, I've never ridden a bike before. Can I? The disgust on your faces is not making me feel comfortable.

• 1:19:23Speaker 02

  It's brilliant, but I'm also confused.

• 1:19:26Speaker 03

  I know, I'm not confused. I love, I'm, I'm like that. I get it.

• 1:19:28Speaker 04

  Are you, are you in the moment with me? Thank you. Oh, I don't have any plasters. That's okay. I might come back tomorrow. That's okay with you.

• 1:19:39Speaker 03

  Welcome back.

• 1:19:40Speaker 02

  Come back tomorrow with a scrape knee.

• 1:19:42Speaker 04

  Yeah, because I'm eager. I feel killed by tomorrow.

• 1:19:45Speaker 02

  I thought you were coming back tomorrow for a plaster.

• 1:19:47Speaker 04

  No, I'm just to buy, but in that moment I'm embarrassed. I've just scraped my knee.

• 1:19:50Speaker 03

  So you, so, so let's recap.

• 1:19:54Speaker 03

  You're cycling on the street, you fall off the bike, scraping your knee. As a boy, your, your age, two streets down, you fancy, but he's just like standing on the street. So he's just on the pavement.

• 1:20:04Speaker 04

  He's just chilling.

• 1:20:04Speaker 03

  And you go up to him and say, I just scraped my knee.

• 1:20:07Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:20:07Speaker 02

  In an American accent.

• 1:20:08Speaker 04

  With the voice, with the voice.

• 1:20:09Speaker 03

  And he says, I don't have a plaster. You say, that's okay. I might come back tomorrow.

• 1:20:15Speaker 04

  Is there anything wrong with that?

• 1:20:16Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:20:17Speaker 03

  So you're gonna come back?

• 1:20:18Speaker 04

  I'm embarrassed.

• 1:20:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:20:20Speaker 04

  And the boy that I like has just seen me fall down.

• 1:20:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:20:24Speaker 04

  I'm nervous.

• 1:20:24Speaker 02

  But I also like that you say, I've just scraped my knee and his first thing he says is, I don't have any plasters.

• 1:20:29Speaker 03

  I don't have any plasters.

• 1:20:30Speaker 04

  Because he wants to be helpful, but he acknowledges that in the moment he can't help.

• 1:20:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:20:34Speaker 04

  And I like that. He's emotionally sensitive, I think, in this version of the thing. And he's okay with me doing a voice.

• 1:20:41Speaker 03

  I like the voice.

• 1:20:42Speaker 04

  See, I did it on a date the other day and she never texted me back. I think I killed it.

• 1:20:47Speaker 03

  What, what, in what context?

• 1:20:49Speaker 04

  I was like, she was like, let's check in. How are you feeling about this date? And I was like, ah, I like this date.

• 1:20:58Speaker 04

  You're very pretty.

• 1:21:01Speaker 04

  Should I have said that out loud? Oh, well.

• 1:21:07Speaker 02

  Fucking hell, Sharon.

• 1:21:08Speaker 03

  That's the worst thing I've ever heard anyone. Anyone doing a birthday. It's a birthday.

• 1:21:13Speaker 04

  I mean.

• 1:21:14Speaker 02

  That's crazy. You may as well have licked the butter off a cow's udder at that point.

• 1:21:17Speaker 03

  Oh, my god.

• 1:21:17Speaker 04

  That would have been better.

• 1:21:19Speaker 03

  I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't love, let's check in, how's this date going? I don't love that either.

• 1:21:25Speaker 04

  I kind of like it. It's very Gen Z, we're two women on a date. How are you feeling?

• 1:21:30Speaker 02

  Yeah. So you quite like it, but then what you did, so let's dispense with that. James and I are millennials.

• 1:21:38Speaker 04

  Don't copy your face.

• 1:21:39Speaker 02

  James and I are millennials. We don't like the check in, okay? The check in is too much.

• 1:21:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:21:44Speaker 02

  The check in should be unspoken.

• 1:21:45Speaker 04

  That's where you draw the line, okay?

• 1:21:46Speaker 02

  So you like that.

• 1:21:47Speaker 03

  Oh, my god.

• 1:21:48Speaker 02

  But then why did you then do the?

• 1:21:50Speaker 03

  Infantilize it. You became a little kid. If I was on a date and someone said, how's the date going? Well, gee, I'm pretty good, I guess, man.

• 1:22:03Speaker 04

  I'd love that.

• 1:22:04Speaker 03

  You would love it.

• 1:22:05Speaker 02

  I hope I don't go toilet in my pants.

• 1:22:08Speaker 04

  That is not what I was doing. How dare you?

• 1:22:12Speaker 02

  I got butterflies in my stomach.

• 1:22:15Speaker 04

  I was being a big. Girl who watches way too much anime. I gotta call my mommy and give her three rings. Oh, jeez, my heart's beating out of my chest.

• 1:22:27Speaker 04

  You're telling me you wouldn't like that?

• 1:22:28Speaker 03

  But you said she was pretty in the voice.

• 1:22:30Speaker 04

  I thought it'd be funny.

• 1:22:32Speaker 03

  It is funny.

• 1:22:33Speaker 04

  Funny.

• 1:22:34Speaker 03

  I, I think it's hilarious.

• 1:22:35Speaker 04

  Apparently not.

• 1:22:36Speaker 02

  It's funny hearing about it now.

• 1:22:39Speaker 03

  What was her face doing when you did it?

• 1:22:41Speaker 04

  So I wasn't looking at her while I was doing it and I went to laugh being like, oh no, don't cover your face. You're making this so much worse than it is.

• 1:22:48Speaker 02

  She's just absolutely puking everywhere.

• 1:22:51Speaker 04

  She was like. You even look pretty when you puke.

• 1:22:56Speaker 04

  Now this has turned into Billy.

• 1:23:00Speaker 03

  So you weren't looking at her?

• 1:23:01Speaker 04

  No.

• 1:23:02Speaker 02

  You looking down for the character of.

• 1:23:03Speaker 04

  Yeah, cause the character's like.

• 1:23:08Speaker 03

  The character for the people just listening to it always involves Sharon grabbing the back of her neck like nervously like, like, like the kid in Stranger Things does when something's like creeping up. Yeah. His senses are in bad. So just like hand on the back of the neck and then looking down and then like vibrating.

• 1:23:23Speaker 02

  And then making a noise which increasingly sounds like an Al Pacino impression.

• 1:23:27Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:23:29Speaker 04

  Take it. Adding that to the list. Date number two. Thank you very much.

• 1:23:34Speaker 02

  So she's not got back in contact?

• 1:23:35Speaker 04

  Nah.

• 1:23:36Speaker 03

  When was it?

• 1:23:37Speaker 04

  I wanna say like three weeks ago now.

• 1:23:38Speaker 03

  Oh, okay, yeah.

• 1:23:39Speaker 04

  Yeah, no, that's dead in the water. Yeah, no, no, no. So it's fine, it's fine. I've, I've cried my tears. Well, I guess you don't like me that much.

• 1:23:49Speaker 03

  I love the character.

• 1:23:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, the character's great. I really love the character. Really good. Very Rugrats.

• 1:23:54Speaker 03

  I've watched it. Yeah, really Rugrats, actually.

• 1:23:57Speaker 04

  Thanks.

• 1:23:58Speaker 03

  That's a millennial thing.

• 1:23:59Speaker 04

  Oh my God, I know what. How old do you think I am?

• 1:24:03Speaker 02

  Well, you've proudly proclaimed yourself Gen Z, so.

• 1:24:07Speaker 04

  Yes, and I wear that with a badge of skibitty honour. Thank you very much.

• 1:24:11Speaker 03

  What's Gen Z? Twenties? In your twenties?

• 1:24:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, twenties, yeah, but early, early twenties.

• 1:24:17Speaker 04

  Okay. I'm actually sixteen. This is illegal what you guys are doing.

• 1:24:25Speaker 02

  We've had a fifteen year old on this podcast before.

• 1:24:27Speaker 04

  No, you haven't.

• 1:24:28Speaker 02

  We have, from Stranger Things.

• 1:24:29Speaker 03

  From Stranger Things.

• 1:24:30Speaker 04

  Oh, yes.

• 1:24:31Speaker 03

  The kid who does that, actually.

• 1:24:32Speaker 02

  Yeah, it's the kid who does that.

• 1:24:33Speaker 03

  Very kid who does that.

• 1:24:36Speaker 03

  When you're fifteen, you'll do that. You're in the Stranger Things.

• 1:24:39Speaker 04

  I'm not fifteen in this, in this.

• 1:24:41Speaker 02

  You are, when you were acting it.

• 1:24:42Speaker 04

  I'm a grown woman.

• 1:24:43Speaker 03

  You were on that date, I'll tell you that much.

• 1:24:45Speaker 04

  You weren't there. You don't know the facts.

• 1:24:49Speaker 03

  Were you alive, or did you drink dessert?

• 1:24:50Speaker 04

  Yes. I kind of like, I feel like this is a recent food trend. I like, I like the desserts that look like food, but they're cold. Like, like the ice cream chicken, ice cream fried chicken, or like a sweet past spaghetti bolognese.

• 1:25:04Speaker 02

  I know what you mean. That is very sort of an online thing.

• 1:25:07Speaker 04

  Disney adult.

• 1:25:07Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:25:08Speaker 04

  Gonna die at fifty.

• 1:25:10Speaker 02

  It's kind of cool, though.

• 1:25:10Speaker 04

  I think it's so cool.

• 1:25:13Speaker 02

  Just like the spaghetti, like strands of ice cream, basically. Yeah, it looks like, it looks like.

• 1:25:17Speaker 04

  So you guys are tricking, I'm like, huh, huh? What's this? This should be savory, not sweet. And then it is sweet and it's delicious and you're like, yes, you guys got me again.

• 1:25:28Speaker 02

  I know James wants to ask about this character now as well.

• 1:25:32Speaker 04

  This is not a character. This is who I am.

• 1:25:35Speaker 03

  Fair enough. Nice to meet you. It was, it was quite similar to the same, the same, quite similar to the date character.

• 1:25:45Speaker 03

  Yeah, a bit, a bit like that kind of same person, a bit in a different environment.

• 1:25:48Speaker 04

  Yeah, this one is a child.

• 1:25:50Speaker 03

  Where they've been kind of tricked by the.

• 1:25:51Speaker 02

  This one is.

• 1:25:51Speaker 04

  Yeah, they do brownies.

• 1:25:53Speaker 02

  What the heck?

• 1:25:53Speaker 04

  What the heck? Do you guys just swear? Uh, you're not supposed to do that. I think I'm gonna have to tell my mom. Sorry.

• 1:26:03Speaker 03

  But do the, do the American voice.

• 1:26:06Speaker 02

  It is quite similar to the other characters.

• 1:26:07Speaker 03

  Yeah, very similar.

• 1:26:09Speaker 02

  Because you did, you go.

• 1:26:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:26:11Speaker 04

  I think I just really enjoy the way that people.

• 1:26:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 1:26:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:26:17Speaker 03

  It is good.

• 1:26:18Speaker 04

  Why am I single?

• 1:26:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know what you mean. That, that, because I remember when I was a kid, when I first saw one of those like, you know, foam burgers, those little sweets.

• 1:26:29Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 1:26:29Speaker 03

  It's like, I was so excited to eat it.

• 1:26:32Speaker 04

  Oh my gosh.

• 1:26:33Speaker 03

  I couldn't wait.

• 1:26:34Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:26:34Speaker 03

  Those like, with all the different layers with the gummy, like lettuce.

• 1:26:38Speaker 02

  Tomato, yeah, yeah.

• 1:26:40Speaker 03

  The burger, the burger itself, actually, probably the least appealing part of the sweet burger.

• 1:26:44Speaker 02

  Doesn't lend itself well to the gummy.

• 1:26:46Speaker 04

  We could do without it. Could, could be a sandwich.

• 1:26:48Speaker 03

  Could be a sandwich.

• 1:26:49Speaker 04

  Could be a sandwich. Were you like, is this gonna taste like burger? Or were you like, oh no, this is sweets?

• 1:26:53Speaker 03

  I think I definitely thought like, this is gonna taste like fruity sweets, but the burger part of it did make me, I go, I don't know what that's gonna be.

• 1:27:00Speaker 04

  What is that meant to be?

• 1:27:01Speaker 03

  Yeah, like the rest of it, like even the bun looked quite sweet and foamy and nice, but the actual burger itself was like, I don't, like, hopefully that's like a cola thing or something. So, I don't really know what it is.

• 1:27:11Speaker 04

  I don't either.

• 1:27:11Speaker 02

  What's the name of the company that made those? Like, the ones that you see everywhere?

• 1:27:15Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 1:27:16Speaker 02

  Because it's like, right at the front of my brain and I just need to scratch that itch.

• 1:27:19Speaker 03

  Otherwise, yes.

• 1:27:20Speaker 04

  Amazon.

• 1:27:21Speaker 03

  Gummy Zone?

• 1:27:21Speaker 02

  No, it's not Gummy.

• 1:27:22Speaker 03

  No, it's not Gummy Zone. He's angry about that. He's like, you've wasted his time.

• 1:27:25Speaker 04

  Gummy Zone.

• 1:27:26Speaker 03

  But he's just gonna, he's getting ready to tell you, you should quit comedy.

• 1:27:30Speaker 02

  It's normally after, you don't normally do it during.

• 1:27:34Speaker 03

  Tell him to say it.

• 1:27:35Speaker 02

  The fact it's coming at the end of the meal, does that ruin the, the trick?

• 1:27:39Speaker 04

  No, because I think, the way I would, the way I would approach this,

• 1:27:43Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:27:44Speaker 04

  is that's dessert number one, because I'm tricking my brain into thinking, oh, like, I'm, I'm still eating savoury food, so there's more space for it. Because I feel like your brain does this thing where you're like, oh, I'm quite full actually from the meal, but I still want dessert.

• 1:27:55Speaker 03

  Of course.

• 1:27:55Speaker 04

  Let me just do the dessert and then I'll, I'll have, I'll be in a food coma after. If you get dessert number one and it looks like savoury food, your mind is like, oh, this is more food. Okay, we can create space for this and then we can have dessert after. Ha ha, silly brain. I've already had dessert. I'm only, I'm only gonna go and do it again, but this time you'll actually see what the dessert is. So it's more of like a mental, psychological, I feel like the CIA might have kind of.

• 1:28:19Speaker 02

  James, did you follow that in any way whatsoever?

• 1:28:21Speaker 03

  I just, I mean, it's funny, very funny. Silly brain is what made me really laugh.

• 1:28:24Speaker 02

  Yeah, I was really, I loved silly brain, that you've also eaten it.

• 1:28:27Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:28:27Speaker 02

  And you tasted it and you, your silly, but your silly brain still thinks it's savoury.

• 1:28:32Speaker 04

  No, no, no. This is, this is a spag bol, but it tastes sweet. Hmm. I wonder, I wonder what that's about. Uh, let me just keep eating. I guess I'll get dessert after.

• 1:28:41Speaker 02

  The character's sneaking back in there, I think. Every time something with the finger comes, you go, hmm.

• 1:28:46Speaker 03

  If you're honest, the character is a hundred percent at the wheel now. It's completely behind the wheel.

• 1:28:52Speaker 04

  It's taken over.

• 1:28:52Speaker 03

  But you're just resistant to it, the voice, because you want to disguise it as yourself. But you know, really, it's the, hmm, I guess this is, maybe a, maybe an ice cream or something.

• 1:29:01Speaker 04

  Can we do the rest of it like this?

• 1:29:03Speaker 03

  You can, you, you, you can. It's the best thing. All I can think about is you want that date to end up.

• 1:29:08Speaker 02

  You're very, you're very, I can, all I can think of is you're very, you're very pretty, looking at the floor.

• 1:29:13Speaker 04

  You're very pretty.

• 1:29:13Speaker 03

  But no, it's, you weren't saying you're very pretty, is that you went, she sure is pretty, or something like that.

• 1:29:19Speaker 04

  You have to do like in the side.

• 1:29:20Speaker 03

  You said it about her, and then you were doing, so you're doing like a Gollum kind of thing of like, she's always pretty. Did I just say that out loud? Oh no. And I, it's, I, I love it so much. It's so great.

• 1:29:31Speaker 04

  I think it's a normal and fun and whimsical thing to do on a date. And if you guys disagree with that, that's absolutely okay.

• 1:29:36Speaker 02

  There's at least three people who disagree with it. Me, James and her.

• 1:29:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:29:40Speaker 04

  That was.

• 1:29:40Speaker 03

  But she doesn't deserve you.

• 1:29:41Speaker 04

  That was fresh. If you said that in two months, I'd have been like, haha. But actually, that could have been my future wife. So that, that does sting.

• 1:29:46Speaker 02

  No, it couldn't.

• 1:29:47Speaker 03

  No.

• 1:29:49Speaker 04

  But only because she wasn't down to clown.

• 1:29:51Speaker 02

  Yes, exactly. You need somebody who's down to clown.

• 1:29:52Speaker 04

  I need someone to give it back.

• 1:29:54Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:29:54Speaker 03

  You'll find someone who does like that kind of stuff and it'll be great.

• 1:29:57Speaker 04

  I know.

• 1:29:58Speaker 03

  And that'll be, and I'm a big supporter of people just going, I'm just gonna, out the gate, be exactly who I am.

• 1:30:04Speaker 04

  You have to. Why go on a date?

• 1:30:06Speaker 03

  Don't waste any time.

• 1:30:07Speaker 04

  Well, did she want me to be like, yes, this meal is actually quite exquisite. I, I really enjoy the wine, Barry.

• 1:30:13Speaker 02

  I absolutely think you would do that as well.

• 1:30:15Speaker 03

  Same problem. It's, it's, it's, it's another character.

• 1:30:18Speaker 04

  Because I'm being a fancy lady. So she's like, oh, this, this lady is very fancy.

• 1:30:21Speaker 02

  She's not shown up as a fancy lady though. You're just suddenly halfway through the meal, turning into something else.

• 1:30:26Speaker 04

  So I'd have to start off like that.

• 1:30:27Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:30:28Speaker 04

  But if, that's not what she wants. She wants me, and then she also wants the part of me that, ah, let's find a pretty.

• 1:30:37Speaker 04

  You want the whole smorgasbord. It's boring of.

• 1:30:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, I think, you know, I think.

• 1:30:43Speaker 03

  I don't think it's the fact.

• 1:30:44Speaker 02

  I don't think she's right.

• 1:30:45Speaker 03

  I I'm sorry that I brought us back here.

• 1:30:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:30:48Speaker 03

  Because I can't stop thinking about it. But like, um, I I don't think it's the fact that you said she was pretty. I think if you went, it's going really well, actually, and I think you're really beautiful.

• 1:30:56Speaker 04

  Nah.

• 1:30:57Speaker 03

  I don't think she would go, not applying to this. I think it's the fact that you went.

• 1:31:04Speaker 03

  I know you said she's pretty in that, in the character.

• 1:31:06Speaker 04

  Cause it's fun and silly.

• 1:31:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, I like.

• 1:31:10Speaker 02

  I get it.

• 1:31:11Speaker 04

  Thank you.

• 1:31:12Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:31:12Speaker 03

  I I think like, yeah, yeah, you will find someone who loves that character.

• 1:31:16Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:31:17Speaker 03

  And then it would be great.

• 1:31:18Speaker 04

  Thank you. That's very nice.

• 1:31:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:31:19Speaker 04

  And we'll just have like a little.

• 1:31:20Speaker 02

  I think next time turn up as the character.

• 1:31:22Speaker 04

  From the get go.

• 1:31:23Speaker 02

  Scrape your knee outside.

• 1:31:24Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 1:31:26Speaker 03

  I'll come back here in a moment.

• 1:31:28Speaker 04

  So you do marketing, huh?

• 1:31:32Speaker 03

  I want that character to get a sitcom immediately. If there are any commissioners listening to this.

• 1:31:37Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:31:38Speaker 03

  Just please give Sharon a sitcom where that is the character.

• 1:31:42Speaker 02

  But the character has to live in just modern Britain, though.

• 1:31:44Speaker 04

  Oh, my God.

• 1:31:45Speaker 02

  The character can't live in like fifty fifty's America, clearly where they're from.

• 1:31:48Speaker 04

  My Oyster card isn't working.

• 1:31:52Speaker 04

  They're just doing really mundane every day. I have a stamp, please. I wonder if he knows what I'm sending.

• 1:32:02Speaker 04

  No, we have to get away from this now.

• 1:32:03Speaker 02

  Okay.

• 1:32:05Speaker 02

  We are at the end of the episode, pretty much.

• 1:32:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:32:07Speaker 02

  We've not got away from it successfully.

• 1:32:09Speaker 03

  So what is the food? You want a spaghetti bolognese ice cream?

• 1:32:12Speaker 04

  I want the fried chicken ice cream. I want it to come in a bucket. I want to house it. And then I want to have, finish off with just a classic brownie.

• 1:32:18Speaker 03

  Oh, hold on. So there's a brownie in there as well?

• 1:32:20Speaker 04

  As in like, that's dessert number two.

• 1:32:21Speaker 02

  Yeah, because you trick your silly brain.

• 1:32:23Speaker 04

  Trick your silly brain. Yeah.

• 1:32:24Speaker 02

  What flavour is the ice cream, the actual fried chicken?

• 1:32:27Speaker 04

  Classic vanilla. Let's not get too crazy with it, you know?

• 1:32:30Speaker 03

  And does it have a little, like, fake drumstick that you can?

• 1:32:32Speaker 04

  It does. You can literally pick them up and then bite into ice cream, which is a little bit inbred, but it's fun. Am I allowed to say that?

• 1:32:39Speaker 02

  I don't know.

• 1:32:40Speaker 03

  I I don't know. I've never heard anyone use it in that way before.

• 1:32:44Speaker 04

  I use it very lightly. It's actually honestly becoming a problem.

• 1:32:47Speaker 02

  You know who else is inbred? Mary's dad.

• 1:32:50Speaker 03

  What?

• 1:32:51Speaker 02

  He's inbred.

• 1:32:51Speaker 03

  Oh, he's inbred. Yeah, I thought you were gonna say Sharon, because she was kissing her cousin earlier.

• 1:32:58Speaker 04

  I wanted to set the record. Very straight. I have never and will never kiss my cousin.

• 1:33:03Speaker 02

  No, I think what you were saying is when you get so drunk that you could kiss your cousin.

• 1:33:07Speaker 04

  Fly out the window. Yes, thank you. We see eye to eye.

• 1:33:09Speaker 02

  You didn't say, yeah.

• 1:33:10Speaker 04

  You're just kissing your cousin, James, it sounds like. You're just making it up.

• 1:33:16Speaker 04

  Well, she's very pretty.

• 1:33:24Speaker 04

  I think this is frowned upon. Your mom's my dad's brother, right? No, this is bad. This is bad. Naughty. No more of this.

• 1:33:37Speaker 02

  It's the annual list of anecdotes where Benito's failed to make these clips fall neatly into other categories.

• 1:33:42Speaker 03

  Here's Ellie Taylor, David Tennant, Neil Hannon, Rhys James, Mira Soda and Will Sharp.

• 1:33:53Speaker 04

  Want some lovely garlic, some yummy aioli with it, something, some sauce. But I want a good sauce to croquetta's ratio.

• 1:34:02Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:34:02Speaker 04

  I don't like it when it's stingy. And also I want them to take a note of how many people are at the table and give me a number that I can divide. Do you know what I mean? Do not give me three when there's two of us. That drives me mad.

• 1:34:14Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:34:14Speaker 03

  Yep. Let's make that a law.

• 1:34:16Speaker 04

  It should be a law. Thanks.

• 1:34:17Speaker 03

  Starman, if you're listening.

• 1:34:19Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:34:20Speaker 03

  I think it's out of order when there's four of you and they bring three along.

• 1:34:23Speaker 04

  It's ridiculous. That would be very ridiculous.

• 1:34:25Speaker 03

  It's like something, I'm sorry, you probably don't want to hear this. You want some time away from it. It's like something the producers of The Traitors would put into the game to divide people and turn them against each other.

• 1:34:34Speaker 02

  The croquetta.

• 1:34:34Speaker 03

  Let's send them three when there's four of them.

• 1:34:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:34:37Speaker 03

  And see their true colours come out and they'll start turning on each other.

• 1:34:40Speaker 04

  There we go. Nothing more pathetic than like.

• 1:34:43Speaker 02

  The tapas.

• 1:34:45Speaker 02

  The next big twist.

• 1:34:46Speaker 03

  The tapas. They just call it that. Welcome to the tapas.

• 1:34:49Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:34:52Speaker 04

  I just think there's nothing more pathetic when you. There's like three of you and you have to, oh, should we chop this one into three?

• 1:34:57Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:34:57Speaker 04

  No one wants that. Everyone wants it.

• 1:34:59Speaker 02

  Yeah, but you do need to, there needs to be a ruling though.

• 1:35:02Speaker 04

  Oh, you have to.

• 1:35:03Speaker 02

  With what's happening to that last croquette.

• 1:35:04Speaker 04

  Oh, because if you just went for it.

• 1:35:06Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:35:06Speaker 04

  That I'd think about that forever if someone understood that.

• 1:35:09Speaker 02

  You can't chop it into three. The ruling needs to be, you two share that one and then the next thing that comes.

• 1:35:14Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:35:15Speaker 02

  If there's a division issue, then I get priority.

• 1:35:17Speaker 04

  That's nice.

• 1:35:18Speaker 02

  And we're all having a nice time.

• 1:35:22Speaker 03

  I'd like to just say that's that person just gets it. Just, just give it to someone else, anyone but me.

• 1:35:26Speaker 04

  Oh, really? Because it's too awkward for you to have it.

• 1:35:28Speaker 03

  I just, I just can't be bothered with the whole conversation. Just give it to that person.

• 1:35:31Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:35:31Speaker 02

  Or can we shout out being adults? Just order another portion.

• 1:35:34Speaker 04

  Ooh, that's blown my mind.

• 1:35:36Speaker 02

  Right.

• 1:35:37Speaker 04

  What?

• 1:35:37Speaker 03

  Big man.

• 1:35:38Speaker 02

  We're grownups.

• 1:35:39Speaker 03

  Big man.

• 1:35:39Speaker 02

  We can do that if we want.

• 1:35:40Speaker 04

  We could actually do that, can't we?

• 1:35:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:35:42Speaker 04

  As long as you don't want a whole portion, you just want one extra one for the.

• 1:35:46Speaker 02

  I beg your pardon.

• 1:35:46Speaker 04

  Okay.

• 1:35:47Speaker 03

  You've never seen a kid, you've never seen a kid go, shall we get another portion?

• 1:35:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:35:51Speaker 03

  Because we're grownups. Kids can't go, anyone else who's getting another portion, let's just get another portion.

• 1:35:56Speaker 04

  Shall we get a few bits?

• 1:35:57Speaker 03

  Let's just get another portion.

• 1:35:58Speaker 02

  Kiss me for the table.

• 1:35:59Speaker 03

  Imagine that. Imagine having a kid that was like, you've got kids. Imagine one of the kids that you go out as a family and one of the kids turns to you and goes, shall we get another portion?

• 1:36:06Speaker 02

  You know what?

• 1:36:07Speaker 04

  You'd be like, what? I would love that.

• 1:36:08Speaker 02

  I would love it or put them up for adoption. I don't know which one it would be.

• 1:36:12Speaker 04

  No, you would love that, Ed.

• 1:36:14Speaker 02

  What if, if, if suddenly.

• 1:36:15Speaker 03

  We don't have kids.

• 1:36:16Speaker 02

  My, my kid went, shall we get something for the table?

• 1:36:19Speaker 04

  You would be delighted.

• 1:36:20Speaker 02

  It's scary.

• 1:36:21Speaker 03

  Let's put this one up for adoption.

• 1:36:24Speaker 04

  When they say funny, when they say things that we don't expect, I found a video of my daughter on my phone, she's six and she was just sort of doing a report to the camera. This is me at home with mummy and daddy. And she, and she sort of went, and it's going to be Saturday and I love all my friends and, and then she paused and went, stay connected peeps.

• 1:36:41Speaker 04

  And then did a little salute.

• 1:36:42Speaker 02

  See, that's good.

• 1:36:42Speaker 03

  This is it now.

• 1:36:43Speaker 04

  Really, it makes you laugh.

• 1:36:44Speaker 03

  But they all watch YouTube too much.

• 1:36:45Speaker 04

  She doesn't watch YouTube, so I don't know where she's got that from.

• 1:36:48Speaker 03

  I was talking to some friends and their kid, like every time they get hold of their mum's phone, just walks around making like YouTube videos, even though they're not going to be uploaded anywhere.

• 1:36:56Speaker 04

  Right.

• 1:36:56Speaker 03

  And they did one like sneaking into their dad's room where he like builds Lego and stuff, this guy. And the kid was actually like, it was like, okay, people, here we are. And at one point he went, oh my God, I just shit my ass.

• 1:37:12Speaker 02

  Our friend's kid, she did a, she did a poo on her potty and then turned to her dad and went, "Present in there for you."

• 1:37:18Speaker 03

  That's amazing.

• 1:37:19Speaker 02

  That's not true.

• 1:37:20Speaker 03

  How old was that? How old was the kid?

• 1:37:22Speaker 02

  Like two.

• 1:37:26Speaker 03

  He must have laughed at that.

• 1:37:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

• 1:37:29Speaker 03

  "Present in there for you." Amazing.

• 1:37:33Speaker 02

  My favourite thing my daughter said when she was about three, there was a firework that went off and she looked at me and went, "Excuse you, mummy."

• 1:37:40Speaker 03

  Good stuff.

• 1:37:42Speaker 02

  Funny, the new joke on the friend. All right, well, maybe if I had a kid who went, "Can you get another portion for the table?"

• 1:37:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, I'd be on board. Oh, sorry, I don't think, if we're being realistic, I don't think Ed could have any other type of kid.

• 1:37:53Speaker 02

  He did, yeah.

• 1:37:54Speaker 03

  Ed's kid would definitely turn out like that.

• 1:37:56Speaker 02

  What if your kids are picky eater, if you had them and they were really picky? Hello, adoption. Okay.

• 1:38:02Speaker 03

  What, you were a picky eater as a kid?

• 1:38:03Speaker 02

  No.

• 1:38:04Speaker 03

  You would, you, you, you only have stuff from the adults, you want stuff from the kids mainly?

• 1:38:07Speaker 02

  That's not picky, that's the opposite of picky. Were you like, "Mummy, can I have some mussels?" Yeah. Oh my god, really? Yeah, yeah.

• 1:38:13Speaker 03

  Yes, he would order the pickers basket. He was very, very strict about what he had.

• 1:38:18Speaker 02

  The pickers basket from the brasserie.

• 1:38:19Speaker 03

  The brasserie.

• 1:38:20Speaker 02

  What's a pickers basket? It was like a sharing platter of starters and that's what I'd have for my main.

• 1:38:26Speaker 03

  It's my favourite, Greg, isn't it?

• 1:38:27Speaker 02

  How old are you? Like, a tiny kid. A pickers basket, yeah, yeah.

• 1:38:32Speaker 03

  My favourite.

• 1:38:33Speaker 02

  Mozzarella sticks, jalapeno poppers. My god. All in a lovely pickers basket. Yeah, my, my kids are quite boring with food, but then some of their friends will be like, you know, in their packed lunches will have olives and I'm like, "How have you got olives? I don't even like olives." Yeah. I think olives are disgusting.

• 1:38:50Speaker 03

  Really?

• 1:38:50Speaker 02

  Oh, disgusting. If they come with my Kia Royale, I'll throw them at the barman.

• 1:38:57Speaker 02

  They will not think I'm the most polite person. Yeah, I thought you were supposed to be the most polite person. When it comes to olives.

• 1:39:01Speaker 03

  All your good work out the window.

• 1:39:02Speaker 02

  Yeah. Gone. Yeah, I think that absolutely. She was so lovely and then she lobbed a whole bowl of olives at my head. Yeah. After a double vodka and coke and a Kia Royale, she really turns.

• 1:39:13Speaker 03

  You've been Hamlet, right? You've done Hamlet?

• 1:39:14Speaker 05

  I've done Hamlet. There's no Genie's Lamps in Hamlet.

• 1:39:16Speaker 03

  But you've got a skull, right?

• 1:39:17Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:39:18Speaker 03

  How heavy, how heavy was that?

• 1:39:20Speaker 05

  We had a real skull.

• 1:39:22Speaker 03

  What? Wow.

• 1:39:22Speaker 05

  Yeah, we had the skull of a real human. A guy called Andre Tchaikovsky, who was a classical musician who had left his skull to the Royal Shakespeare Company.

• 1:39:31Speaker 03

  I remember this, yeah.

• 1:39:32Speaker 05

  To appear in a production of Hamlet. So I did not have to fake any weight there. I was holding Andre. He was Yorick.

• 1:39:39Speaker 03

  Wow. The first time you had to do that?

• 1:39:41Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:39:42Speaker 03

  You had to pick it up in rehearsal?

• 1:39:43Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:39:44Speaker 03

  Did you just go straight in? Yep, fine? Or were you like, I don't know, I thought it was?

• 1:39:47Speaker 05

  Oh, I was really, really thrilled about it. Not, not, not in a, not in a macabre way, because, because that's what it's, that moment in the play is about connecting with mortality.

• 1:39:57Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:39:58Speaker 05

  So if you're actually lifting, there's no acting involved, you're looking into the eyes of a human who once walked the earth for something very powerful about that.

• 1:40:06Speaker 02

  Could you see yourself leaving any of your bones to theatre?

• 1:40:09Speaker 05

  Very happily, here again in a production of Hamlet, playing a different part. Yeah.

• 1:40:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:40:14Speaker 05

  I think that would be, there's something glorious about that.

• 1:40:16Speaker 02

  Yeah, it'd be awful if you left your skull to the Royal Shakespeare Company and it was the understudy skull.

• 1:40:22Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, imagine that.

• 1:40:23Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:40:23Speaker 02

  That would be embarrassing, wouldn't it?

• 1:40:24Speaker 05

  To be honest, I don't think you can do it anymore. Because Andre had done it. I'd left it and it had gone through all the various, there's a lot of hoops to jump through for various government, governmental organisations who perhaps frown on the idea of body parts being left to, to anything.

• 1:40:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:40:42Speaker 05

  Other than cremation. So I, I, I think the, the laws have now changed that Andre's probably the last person who's going to be able to have done that. But his skull is still there. He can be used in future productions of Hamlet.

• 1:40:53Speaker 02

  Well done, Andre.

• 1:40:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:40:54Speaker 03

  Or does it have to be Hamlet? If I wrote a new play and I just wanted there to be a skull in it, could I get Andre's skull?

• 1:41:00Speaker 05

  That is an excellent question to which I do not know the answer. I don't know how specific his will was. And I don't know whether the specifics of that have any kind of legal ramifications. So I can't give you the answer, but I'd like to be able to.

• 1:41:13Speaker 02

  What's the Janet and Alan Allberg book about the skeletons?

• 1:41:16Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, the lazy bones, is it?

• 1:41:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:41:18Speaker 03

  What they call?

• 1:41:19Speaker 02

  Lazy bones, maybe.

• 1:41:20Speaker 03

  They're the ones who are the skeletons.

• 1:41:21Speaker 02

  They live in a dark, dark house.

• 1:41:22Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:41:22Speaker 02

  On a dark, dark street.

• 1:41:23Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 1:41:23Speaker 02

  Those guys, and they're a family of skeletons. Maybe Andre could be in a live production of that.

• 1:41:27Speaker 05

  Actually, no reason why not. Although I'm not in charge.

• 1:41:30Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 1:41:30Speaker 03

  But there's a lot of skeletons.

• 1:41:32Speaker 02

  That's why we've got you here today, David. We've written, we've written a production of lazy bones.

• 1:41:35Speaker 03

  I think the problem there is that there's a lot of skeletons in that.

• 1:41:38Speaker 02

  That's true.

• 1:41:39Speaker 03

  So if only one of them had a real skull.

• 1:41:41Speaker 02

  That'd be even more difficult.

• 1:41:41Speaker 05

  The Ross Shakespeare Company does own other skulls.

• 1:41:44Speaker 03

  Oh, great.

• 1:41:44Speaker 05

  From historical productions.

• 1:41:46Speaker 03

  Brilliant.

• 1:41:46Speaker 05

  David Garrick's skull, I think, is it? Not David Garrick himself, the skull David Garrick used is also in their collection. Because I used it at the dress rehearsal because Andre hadn't quite had all his boxes ticked by the various authorities. So in the dress rehearsal, I used the old skull that was in the, that came from the store. And I dropped it and it fell off.

• 1:42:05Speaker 03

  Oh, wow.

• 1:42:08Speaker 05

  There was one time when my daughter was quite young and I'd done something silly with the peas. And I said, oh, my bag.

• 1:42:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:42:18Speaker 05

  Because I thought that's what it was.

• 1:42:20Speaker 03

  You thought, you thought they said my bag?

• 1:42:23Speaker 05

  I thought they said my bag.

• 1:42:25Speaker 03

  That was the phrase, my bag?

• 1:42:29Speaker 03

  That doesn't even make sense. You've done something with the peas.

• 1:42:33Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:42:33Speaker 03

  So hang on, what have you done wrong with the peas? You had a bag of peas.

• 1:42:36Speaker 05

  I can't remember that.

• 1:42:37Speaker 03

  You did something wrong. Might have to apologise, you said my bag.

• 1:42:42Speaker 05

  I don't know whether I thought it referred to, like, um, I can't imagine what I thought.

• 1:42:48Speaker 03

  I guess people would say, that's not my bag.

• 1:42:49Speaker 02

  Yeah, that's not my bag.

• 1:42:50Speaker 05

  Oh, yes.

• 1:42:51Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:42:51Speaker 03

  It's that person, you're kind of confused the two phrases a little bit. Are you going, hey, my bag?

• 1:42:55Speaker 05

  So desperately unhip.

• 1:42:58Speaker 03

  Imagine if you did something wrong at, like, baggage claim or something.

• 1:43:01Speaker 05

  It's my bag.

• 1:43:02Speaker 03

  And my bag's like, that's not, that's not your bag.

• 1:43:05Speaker 02

  So that is not your bag. You're just making mistakes.

• 1:43:07Speaker 03

  This is the whole root of the problem, is that you keep on picking up the wrong bag. Now, you've got all these things on your Christmas tinnet.

• 1:43:13Speaker 05

  The condiments.

• 1:43:13Speaker 02

  Oh, yeah, we've got to talk about the condiments.

• 1:43:15Speaker 05

  The best bit.

• 1:43:16Speaker 03

  Sorry, condiments are the best bit, and we're going to do the condiments right now.

• 1:43:18Speaker 05

  Cranberry sauce, porridge radish.

• 1:43:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:43:22Speaker 05

  Mint sauce.

• 1:43:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:43:23Speaker 05

  Bread sauce. English mustard, Dijon mustard.

• 1:43:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:43:29Speaker 05

  Have I forgotten anything? Anything else that's around? Bali Malu, relish, whatever.

• 1:43:33Speaker 03

  What's that, relish?

• 1:43:34Speaker 05

  Oh, Bali Malu, do you not have it?

• 1:43:36Speaker 03

  No, no, no.

• 1:43:37Speaker 02

  Oh, it's lovely.

• 1:43:39Speaker 05

  Yeah, it's from this range of products called Bali Malu. Uh, but it's like Branston a bit, but it's sweeter and it's kind of, uh, sort of ready bran. It's really lovely. Lots of sort of sultanas crop up in it and stuff like this. Uh, yeah, it's very good in sandwiches.

• 1:43:57Speaker 03

  Nice.

• 1:43:57Speaker 05

  Yeah. Um, I have a bread sauce story.

• 1:44:02Speaker 03

  Is it about the time your mum threw you some bread and you played with it too much?

• 1:44:07Speaker 05

  No, no, but it did occur in my, my parents' house, uh, like maybe 10 years ago. Uh, I was, you know, my brother's families were there as well. Everybody was there. It was Christmas. I thought, I am going to make the bread sauce. I'm gonna cut to the chase. It said, you know, I'd flavored it with like cinnamon things and like apple, whatever. I, and then it said sieve. I put the sieve there and I

• 1:44:35Speaker 03

  Oh, no.

• 1:44:35Speaker 05

  Put the pot, just threw it all down the sink.

• 1:44:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:44:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:44:40Speaker 03

  You said the sauce.

• 1:44:41Speaker 05

  I saved the sauce the wrong way around.

• 1:44:44Speaker 03

  They said, my bag.

• 1:44:45Speaker 05

  My bag. Yeah. I hope it catches on.

• 1:44:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, my bag.

• 1:44:50Speaker 02

  I think it will.

• 1:44:51Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:44:51Speaker 03

  And, and sink bread sauce as well, have that catches on.

• 1:44:54Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 1:44:54Speaker 03

  People only have it out the sink. Have you successfully made bread sauce since?

• 1:44:59Speaker 05

  I never tried to cook again.

• 1:45:03Speaker 02

  There was a year when I was 15, when my parents separated for one year and

• 1:45:08Speaker 03

  Just for one year?

• 1:45:09Speaker 02

  For one year. They had a Rumspringa. What's that? That sandwich?

• 1:45:15Speaker 02

  No, it's the Amish tradition of, um, you get to leave the community for a year and go and do whatever you want, as long as the promises, you come back and become Amish again. Yeah.

• 1:45:23Speaker 03

  I, I did know that about the Amish. I didn't know it was called that. And I didn't know Ed knew this much about the Amish.

• 1:45:29Speaker 02

  I love the Amish. I keep getting TikToks at the moment of people going to Amish communities and saying, you have to prepare. The zombies are already in the cities.

• 1:45:39Speaker 02

  And Amish people be like, what? And they go like, honestly. And then there's other ones of them showing brain rot to Amish people. Yeah. Like weird memes that it just don't make any sense. Yeah. Of like AI stuff. How do the Amish people know about zombies? Yeah. And well, maybe there's some explaining they do before it. So there's this thing called zombies. That's the, that's dead. Yeah, then you wouldn't, yeah. But you wouldn't be scared of it. I saw one, he had an AI video of cats in the Olympics. And he showed it to an Amish person and it was all cats going off diving boards and doing flips. And what's interesting about that one is the Amish person is not buying it one bit. They look at it like, yeah, so what's this? This is obviously, the guy's like, look, you wouldn't expect a cat to do that. Three flips. Yeah. And I'm supposed to just like, yeah, it's just in an apple shop. So basically, sorry, as in literal apples.

• 1:46:24Speaker 02

  It's not a genius bar.

• 1:46:27Speaker 02

  They're actually selling apples. I know that. The apple store. It's not the apple store.

• 1:46:31Speaker 03

  Must have been on a year off.

• 1:46:32Speaker 02

  Do not, yeah, yeah.

• 1:46:33Speaker 03

  That's where they go immediately. The first, as soon as the first day of their year off, straight to the apple store.

• 1:46:39Speaker 02

  Their head starts vibrating. Oh, I got one. They can't take it. If you took your laptop to the genius bar and someone was dressed like an Amish person there, you'd be like, oh, I'm fucked. I'm never getting that laptop back. They're not gonna know what to do. I, sometimes when I see AI videos, I'd feel like an Amish guy. Because you think that's real. Yeah, yeah. And I had to chat with Charlie, what's, what's AI and what's not. I'd be like, come over here. How can a horse be this small?

• 1:47:03Speaker 02

  Come over here. How can a horse be this small? She'll be like, it's AI. Right. Well, then I, then I'm, I'm gonna be dead in a year. Yeah. Because I can't tell whatever, what anything is anymore. Thing, it does feel like, well, it's game over for my brain, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. It's when your parents send you one, you're just like, oh, God, this weird different planets now. Yeah.

• 1:47:21Speaker 03

  Well, my, my mum got into like using chat GPT to make, uh, like pictures of our cat, my cats. And send them to me. So she would just, but she would just speak into it. So it wouldn't look anything like them. But she would just say like, a Sphinx cat next to a Maine Coon cat and it's their birthday. And then she would send me, and there's two cats wearing party hats. I don't know about my cats. I'll be like, what was it with this? She's just like, and she told me about, she was like, it's this website and you just tell it stuff.

• 1:47:49Speaker 02

  Yeah. I mean, it is exciting. I got sent, my, my girlfriend's mum sent me a song about my cat that she'd made on AI. Where she just typed, she found an app where you just make, sings you a song. I've never used AI. It was really good. I can't believe there's parents. Using AI, I've never used. Yeah, I was like, and I immediately was like, I was making a Radio Four show at the time and I needed some songs in it. And I immediately was like, what is this website? This is incredible. She didn't even write the lyrics. She just said, there's a boy called Reese. And he's got a cat called Tabitha. She's a ginger cat. She's crazy. Write a song about that. And it was like a country and western song. That was like exactly the tune you'd expected. Yeah. Yeah, it was like a theme tune for the cat, basically, that it came back with. And I also, it's like completely out of the blue. You get that text from your girlfriend's mum. So what? Yeah. I was just like, what do I do? Thumbs up it and never reply?

• 1:48:35Speaker 03

  I thought your cat, I mean, maybe this was a different cat, but I thought Bob Mortimer named your cat.

• 1:48:40Speaker 02

  Bob Mortimer named my cat Tabitha Lightsource.

• 1:48:42Speaker 03

  Oh, okay, there you go.

• 1:48:43Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I know you expected sort of like Mike Twat or something like that.

• 1:48:47Speaker 03

  No, no, I knew it was something like that.

• 1:48:48Speaker 02

  It's disrespectful then to not say Tabitha Lightsource every time you talk about your cat. Yeah.

• 1:48:52Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 1:48:53Speaker 02

  Hmm, okay, fine. Especially if you've got Bob Mortimer to name your cat.

• 1:48:56Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:48:57Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:48:57Speaker 03

  It's quite a waste.

• 1:48:58Speaker 02

  It is a bit of a waste. I should go tab. Yeah.

• 1:49:00Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:49:01Speaker 02

  Yeah, fair enough. Okay, Tabitha Lightsource. Tabitha Lightsource. And I'll, I'll release the theme tune. Yeah.

• 1:49:06Speaker 05

  It's a not dissimilar situation where I was in, um.

• 1:49:10Speaker 02

  I'm very interested to hear how not dissimilar this is.

• 1:49:13Speaker 05

  Well, is it like, it was, it was someone who was looking after poisonous venomous snakes, and this was in Thailand. And, and was telling us about how venomous they were and showed us, um. By getting this snake, he had, he'd sort of wrapped a glass, he put some cling film over a glass and then, I don't know what he'd done to sort of anger the snake. But the snake then bit the glass because it was angry and he saw this venom shoot out of its mouth. And then at some point during the show, he was bitten and had to be taken off.

• 1:49:43Speaker 02

  Oh, my god.

• 1:49:43Speaker 05

  And there was an ambulance just outside and so the show just suddenly ended. So.

• 1:49:47Speaker 02

  Was the ambulance outside before the show started? You go, this happens every week.

• 1:49:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, surely. They're just there. Doors open.

• 1:49:53Speaker 05

  It was quite, I wouldn't recommend anybody go to a place like this because if you kind of, I remember looking at his arms thinking, it looks like he's been bitten before.

• 1:50:02Speaker 03

  Numerous times.

• 1:50:04Speaker 02

  Either that or he was a heroin addict, but you know, either way, it's not going to be a good show.

• 1:50:09Speaker 03

  He could have a crippled addiction and he's trying to wean himself off of it by finding a different passion. And he's looking after snakes and now they're biting him all the time.

• 1:50:18Speaker 05

  It's true. He could, he could have been manning the tandoor because, um, you know, going back to tandoors, I, I, I did have to work a tandoor at some point in my, in my.

• 1:50:26Speaker 03

  Career and and they they burn up the arms.

• 1:50:29Speaker 02

  Oh, I bet.

• 1:50:30Speaker 03

  Cinch the eyebrows off, all the hair disappears. Apart from the mustache. Dangerous job.

• 1:50:34Speaker 02

  Yeah, apart from the mustache.

• 1:50:35Speaker 03

  That's the guy who works in the thing, not you. Right, thank you.

• 1:50:39Speaker 02

  The uncle.

• 1:50:39Speaker 03

  The uncle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. As soon as I said it, I was like, oh, that's.

• 1:50:44Speaker 02

  Better clear that up. I knew what you meant.

• 1:50:46Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. As soon as all the hair disappears, it's like, um, we know one guy. He's doing all right on the hair front. He works a tandoor. He's got longer arms than I have. Oh, has he? That's another thing. I feel like I've got quite short arms. I feel like I'm. Yeah, well, I didn't think it before, but yeah, now you've stuck your arm out. You do think T-Rex arms. That's crazy. Yeah.

• 1:51:07Speaker 02

  Feels proportional to me.

• 1:51:08Speaker 03

  No, that's short.

• 1:51:11Speaker 03

  That's short. Yeah, so it was, um, yeah, it was a dangerous job for me to do.

• 1:51:15Speaker 02

  You've got to really get in there, right?

• 1:51:16Speaker 03

  You got it. Yeah, it's one swift move.

• 1:51:18Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:51:18Speaker 03

  You've got to plaster it with this kind of gigantic powder puff to the side of the tandoor quite swiftly and quickly. And get out of there.

• 1:51:25Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:51:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, because it's like four hundred degrees in there.

• 1:51:27Speaker 02

  Wow.

• 1:51:27Speaker 03

  Yeah. What?

• 1:51:28Speaker 02

  I love that. I love seeing videos of that of people just like sticking, sticking the nan to the side of the tandoor.

• 1:51:33Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, confidently.

• 1:51:35Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:51:35Speaker 03

  Yeah. Really jealous. You saw that guy get bit by a snake. Were you really afterwards, if you're honest, were you like, that was brilliant when he got bit? No, I do have to, I have to say I didn't think that, um.

• 1:51:48Speaker 02

  Good story now, though, isn't it?

• 1:51:50Speaker 03

  Yeah, it is a good story now, but. I would have been really laughing. I do have another snake story coming up, though. Coming up. And I didn't even, well, I mean, in the main course, there's, um, my main course actually features a snake. I mean, not eating a snake.

• 1:52:03Speaker 02

  I can see why you didn't want to save the bread now because you already had a snake story lined up. Wouldn't it be amazing if the Panny Puri man, when he's putting the liquid in, he also has a snake in his backpack and the snake bites the hole in the top?

• 1:52:18Speaker 04

  That would be genius.

• 1:52:19Speaker 02

  That would be a show, wouldn't it?

• 1:52:20Speaker 03

  That would be good, actually. Yeah, yeah. It just bounces out, bites the little hole in it.

• 1:52:23Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:52:24Speaker 03

  Because that's the hardest for me when I've had panty poo, actually putting the hole in it.

• 1:52:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:52:28Speaker 02

  Hmm.

• 1:52:28Speaker 03

  You know, the last, last, I can tell you when I had it, it was my birthday. Pow! Too hard because I was so amped up because it was my birthday. I wasn't drunk. Starter. Pow! Immediately ruined it. Just too big of a hole.

• 1:52:42Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 1:52:43Speaker 03

  I felt real sad.

• 1:52:44Speaker 04

  Oh, sorry about that. But I, I, I think snakes could be good, but the venom thing might be an issue. But you could have like a hygienic squirrel standing on a, like a little.

• 1:52:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:52:54Speaker 02

  Hygienic squirrel. A hygienic squirrel, yeah.

• 1:52:56Speaker 03

  Good luck finding one of those.

• 1:52:59Speaker 03

  I tell you who, we could get one of those, uh, long schnoz to wank. To come in, whack their schnoz on it.

• 1:53:05Speaker 02

  Tell them there's an ant inside.

• 1:53:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 1:53:08Speaker 03

  So they fill for it every time. Not an ant in this one.

• 1:53:11Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:53:12Speaker 03

  Well, there's an ant in that one. Yeah, there better be.

• 1:53:17Speaker 03

  So you two have a history?

• 1:53:18Speaker 02

  Yes.

• 1:53:19Speaker 03

  Yeah. You went to university together, is that right?

• 1:53:21Speaker 02

  No way, I couldn't get in there. I couldn't get in there.

• 1:53:23Speaker 03

  You went to two different universities and Ed knew you because you were rivals.

• 1:53:27Speaker 02

  We, we were, yeah, we were, well, I guess comedy rivals, but sometimes we do stuff together almost. Friends.

• 1:53:32Speaker 03

  What uni is we talking here? Durham from my man?

• 1:53:35Speaker 02

  Docksbridge. We both went to Docksbridge.

• 1:53:36Speaker 03

  Docksbridge, yeah. That's disgusting.

• 1:53:39Speaker 02

  Yeah. No, Will went, Will went to Cambridge and I, I went to Durham. But some people at Durham referred to Durham, Cambridge and Oxford as Docksbridge, which was pathetic.

• 1:53:49Speaker 03

  Who's that?

• 1:53:50Speaker 02

  That's not a thing. Some real losers. I think mainly Ed. Oh, yeah, me. I mean, me, yeah.

• 1:53:55Speaker 03

  Also Durham not getting many letters in there.

• 1:53:57Speaker 02

  No. I know you're the fun, the fun of the world.

• 1:54:00Speaker 03

  It's proportional. It's proportional. Yeah. Oh, you went to Oxford?

• 1:54:03Speaker 02

  Yeah. That's cool. Well, we did, yeah, we'd, we'd meet each other at comedy. And then, and then after uni, we did like bits together, didn't we? Yes. Comedy bits. We had a hit sketch group. We had a hit, hit sketch group.

• 1:54:17Speaker 03

  Let's talk about this hit sketch group.

• 1:54:18Speaker 02

  Oh man. Them Four. Them Four Horsemen, it was called. I think we maybe did four shows. Four shows and we kept trying to, we kept planning to do one on Christmas Eve. Yeah, Christmas Day, actually. If you, it's probably, if you're still on Facebook, you can probably, you can probably find the invite to the event somewhere on Christmas Day.

• 1:54:39Speaker 03

  So you were gonna do a Christmas Day gig? And who, who is the foreview? I'm guessing Nish is involved in this somehow?

• 1:54:44Speaker 02

  No, no, no. We did. We did. Another thing with Nish, which is sort of like, I was thinking about this because suddenly it was coming in. It was, it was called something like the club for men who are not usual. And it was one of those like sitcom ideas that immediately, immediately doesn't work. Yeah. And we had like, I think like an old camcorder and filming stuff around this flat. And all I remember is there was some shoes in the fridge. Yeah. Yeah. And Nish called his suit, his nine to five shield. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And immediately we're like, the point of these people is they do things that are not usual. But they're really boring. Yeah, yeah. Unsustainable. I remember that where there was a shot, like one shot where one of us like made a cup of tea from the beginning.

• 1:55:29Speaker 02

  Like talking for ages about not being usual and then like walked, walked to the toilet, poured it down the toilet and flushed. Without much. That's funny. That's a funny bit, but that's sort of. It was really funny for us. Yeah, we had a laugh, didn't we?

• 1:55:42Speaker 03

  It's a load of funny nonsensical things, but after a while, I imagine as a, for a viewer, it's maddening.

• 1:55:47Speaker 02

  Well, there weren't any viewers apart from us, so it didn't matter. I don't know if we even cut it together, to be fair. Yeah. Well, we do, I do have some old Them Four Horsemen sketches on a, on a hard drive somewhere. Oh my God.

• 1:56:00Speaker 03

  So who are the other two horsemen?

• 1:56:01Speaker 02

  Uh, Tom Williams, who's no longer in comedy. English teacher. English teacher, uh, and, um, Al, Al Roberts. Al Roberts. Stafflet's Flats. Stafflet's Flats.

• 1:56:10Speaker 03

  Yeah, I do know who that is.

• 1:56:11Speaker 02

  Yeah. You know Al.

• 1:56:13Speaker 03

  It's funny to, after, after the Williams guy to make out, like I didn't know Al Roberts.

• 1:56:17Speaker 02

  Have you done some other stuff since?

• 1:56:18Speaker 03

  With Al?

• 1:56:19Speaker 02

  With, without. Me. I've done. Yeah, you've been up some stuff.

• 1:56:23Speaker 03

  Do you feel guilty when you do stuff without Ed?

• 1:56:26Speaker 02

  I feel guilty when I listen to this podcast. I've I felt because so many times I've been like, oh, I should message. I said, I should message Ed just to say, I'm really enjoying it. And I haven't really, I didn't really do that.

• 1:56:39Speaker 02

  Well, I've not messaged you saying I'm enjoying all your stuff. Yeah, I suppose. Maybe that's how it works.

• 1:56:44Speaker 03

  What happened with the four horse people that means that you don't text each other anymore?

• 1:56:49Speaker 02

  I guess like we're just sort of got got busy in other ways. Yeah, sidetracked. You know, you get sidetracked and then the sidetrack becomes your main track. Yeah.

• 1:56:57Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 1:56:58Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 1:56:58Speaker 03

  I relate.

• 1:56:59Speaker 02

  Yeah. There are other things like swimming around in my head, but I'm like, we don't need to get. Maybe come back to them later. Back to, yeah.

• 1:57:06Speaker 03

  Yeah. Do you ever find yourself on set filming something and thinking back to the days of palling around with this young whippersnapper?

• 1:57:13Speaker 02

  Do you know what? There I do feel like there is a thing where it no matter what the scale is of a project. This is a bit of an earnest answer, but like, I feel like it does sort of feel like just hanging in a good, in a good way. At its best, you're just kind of figuring stuff out with your mates and trying to make it funny or make it work or whatever. So I do sometimes think of that. And like, Tom Kingsley is another person I've worked with a lot in the past. I do think of those days sometimes. Yeah.

• 1:57:43Speaker 03

  Would you ever put like, pitch an idea on set like if you were on a exciting project, but you know, maybe the right joke here is flushing a cup of tea down the toilet?

• 1:57:53Speaker 02

  Maybe I'll try and work that in. It's a good joke. Try and work it in. Yeah.

• 1:57:58Speaker 03

  Would you have to check with these guys?

• 1:58:00Speaker 02

  Uh.

• 1:58:01Speaker 03

  Do they have a unusual?

• 1:58:02Speaker 02

  It would be like a little wink, you know, in the ether and see if, see if, you know, see if they just. Well, I officially give you permission to use anything from the club for men who are not usual.

• 1:58:14Speaker 02

  If it's them for us, you're gonna have to, you're gonna have to call me because I, at some point I do want to do the, um. The song of the cowboys teaching kids how to count. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

• 1:58:24Speaker 03

  That sounds good.

• 1:58:25Speaker 02

  Yeah, I can't remember. I've got, I've got a video of it somewhere and I refuse to watch it because I look haunted.

• 1:58:32Speaker 03

  You look haunted. In what way?

• 1:58:34Speaker 02

  Well, it was back in my bigger days and I'd say I look like I'm wearing a fat suit in a nineties film and I'm very tired. I hope we're all pretty tired. Yeah. We also, there was one sketch that we filmed, which the only, we were just all eating muller rice. We just got bought like twenty muller ice. Yeah. And there was, the main theme of this sketch show seemed to be that there wasn't really a joke in any of us getting. So it was just, we were just eating muller ice. Yeah.

• 1:59:02Speaker 03

  That's good. I mean, it's all right.

• 1:59:04Speaker 02

  What we'd do is we'd have a show and we'd go to your flat during the day. We'd just mess around for ages and one of us would go, that's a sketch. That would do. Me with, me with a fake beard on and then a tight over my head. Oh, old man. Old man. Old man, the rocker. Yeah.

• 1:59:18Speaker 03

  Old man, the rocker.

• 1:59:19Speaker 02

  Man rocking in a rock and roll band. Yeah, I'm an old man.

• 1:59:25Speaker 03

  Can't play the guitar.

• 1:59:26Speaker 02

  Clearly, yeah, smashing away on a guitar. I was clearly, I think I'd had too much coffee and I was just like, just running around with a guitar. And they were all like, that's great. That's a good guy. Yeah.

• 1:59:37Speaker 03

  I think that does sound great though.

• 1:59:39Speaker 02

  I've got a bus pass, but I'd take it to Wembley. You've got a pair of tights on your head. That's it. Yeah, yeah.

• 1:59:43Speaker 03

  Why were the tights like, so you're bold? So you're a bold old man?

• 1:59:46Speaker 02

  Yeah, kind of, but it just looked so weird. It just made him look mad.

• 1:59:51Speaker 02

  Just squished your face up. Yeah. And then you put a beard on top. So. It looks horrible. Very funny for us. Very funny for us.

• 1:59:59Speaker 03

  I like old man in a rock and roll band.

• 2:00:02Speaker 02

  Maybe at the end of this, we'll see if we can find paradise.

• 2:00:04Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:00:05Speaker 02

  I could do it for the photo. I was going to do a photo afterwards.

• 2:00:10Speaker 05

  You and Will have got to bring the sketch crew back in.

• 2:00:14Speaker 02

  I'm an old man rocking in a band. I'm an old man rocking in a heavy metal band.

• 2:00:21Speaker 05

  With one guest, there was an anecdote we definitely wanted to hear.

• 2:00:25Speaker 02

  Let's hear from Jonny Pelham and the Blazing Bangladeshis.

• 2:00:29Speaker 02

  Did you ever go to the restaurant with your gang?

• 2:00:31Speaker 03

  With my gang?

• 2:00:32Speaker 02

  That you were in?

• 2:00:33Speaker 03

  I was in a gang at school called the Blazing Bangladeshis. It was just me and five Bangladeshi lads and it was very fun.

• 2:00:42Speaker 02

  I was just, as soon as I knew you were coming in, I was like, I can't wait to ask him about his gang.

• 2:00:48Speaker 02

  We love, we love the gang so much. Yeah. Again, I imagine you just like, wait up guys.

• 2:00:54Speaker 02

  Blazing Bangladeshis.

• 2:00:55Speaker 03

  I was like the lawyer.

• 2:00:58Speaker 02

  Was it ever acknowledged that you were white in the Blazing Bangladeshis?

• 2:01:03Speaker 03

  Well, look, let me.

• 2:01:04Speaker 02

  Was it ever, I'd imagine day one, it might have been.

• 2:01:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:01:07Speaker 05

  Well, I think I was an honour and that was part of the, that part of the joy for me.

• 2:01:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:01:11Speaker 05

  I got included in this group because I went to pretty much an all Asian school. Like I was the only white boy in my class. So that's why I had to psychoanalyse people, stack, get some, get some rep, like you don't want to mess with him, he'll make you question your very existence.

• 2:01:26Speaker 05

  And the thing was, a lot of white kids got bullied and I think subconsciously I looked at them and thought, I don't want that.

• 2:01:32Speaker 03

  Uh huh.

• 2:01:32Speaker 05

  So instead I just became the most Asian boy I could be.

• 2:01:38Speaker 02

  Straight into a gag with them.

• 2:01:40Speaker 05

  Yeah, and you had to swear at people's mums in Bangladeshi.

• 2:01:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:01:44Speaker 05

  I knew all sorts and I was really, it was, it was a great time to be like, and what's crazy is it was only when I went to university and I was like, yeah, yeah. I was in a, obviously I was in a gang of Bangladeshi lads, but people, I realised how weird it was.

• 2:01:55Speaker 03

  Yeah, sure. It's not everyone's lived experience.

• 2:01:58Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. I was like, yeah, yeah. I mean, you know what it's like. On Friday, when goes to mosque, you have to play a lot.

• 2:02:06Speaker 03

  How did you get in the gang? Did they invite you or did you like?

• 2:02:09Speaker 05

  Well, initially it was a five, it was a five side football tournament.

• 2:02:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:02:12Speaker 05

  I was a goalkeeper. Again, that's a position you get if you don't want to be bullied. I was quite a good goalkeeper, which is the ultimate like, look, guys, I can fulfil a role.

• 2:02:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:02:20Speaker 05

  No one wants to do.

• 2:02:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:02:22Speaker 05

  So I was quite a good goalkeeper. They were like, we need a goalie and then we, we did quite well. We got to the final and that is a bonding experience.

• 2:02:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:02:28Speaker 05

  I, I mean, I play a lot of Football Manager. I know how important team morale is.

• 2:02:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:02:33Speaker 05

  Look, if we're gonna win this competition next year, we need a gang.

• 2:02:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:02:37Speaker 05

  And they all agreed before, you know. I mean, there was a time where.

• 2:02:40Speaker 02

  Were you there for the naming of the gang?

• 2:02:42Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was, I was a founding member.

• 2:02:44Speaker 03

  Yeah. When someone said, let's call ourselves the blazing Bangladeshis, did no one look at you or you put your hand up and go, will that work?

• 2:02:55Speaker 02

  Will that cover everyone?

• 2:02:56Speaker 05

  I can't remember. I, I think there was a decent chance that I was the one who said, why do we call ourselves?

• 2:03:03Speaker 05

  So we're all the same, right?

• 2:03:05Speaker 03

  A little pause. Okay, Johnny. We can call ourselves that. But people won't, when you're not with us, people won't assume you're in the gang.

• 2:03:16Speaker 03

  It's the only problem for you.

• 2:03:18Speaker 05

  I would say the one, no.

• 2:03:20Speaker 02

  No one suggested the blazing Bangladeshis and Johnny?

• 2:03:22Speaker 05

  You know what I mean? Like I think, I think I was, I was in the core group. There were people who were like more satellite gang members.

• 2:03:27Speaker 03

  They must have been livid.

• 2:03:29Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:03:29Speaker 03

  Especially if they were Bangladeshi, right?

• 2:03:31Speaker 02

  Yeah, they'd have been like, who the fuck, how was he so prominent in this?

• 2:03:34Speaker 05

  Yeah, and they'd look at me, I'd, I'd swear at them. In Bangladesh and then go he deserves to be.

• 2:03:39Speaker 02

  He's putting more work than us.

• 2:03:41Speaker 03

  That's out my mum.

• 2:03:42Speaker 05

  It's like calling the mafia who's not Italian. He's done some stuff.

• 2:03:45Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, like an Irish guy in the mafia. Yeah. Joe Irish.

• 2:03:51Speaker 03

  Like Joe Irish is in the mafia.

• 2:03:55Speaker 02

  They sound a bit like salt fish fritters, like Caribbean cuisine. Like dumplings, deep fried salt fish, like with fish running through them.

• 2:04:06Speaker 03

  But they're not like Johnny cakes.

• 2:04:08Speaker 02

  No, they're not like Johnny cakes.

• 2:04:09Speaker 03

  Just to be clear.

• 2:04:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, Johnny cakes.

• 2:04:11Speaker 03

  What Johnny cakes again?

• 2:04:12Speaker 05

  I thought.

• 2:04:13Speaker 02

  Like nothing to do with you.

• 2:04:14Speaker 03

  Well, the kind of.

• 2:04:19Speaker 02

  Yeah, you might pick cakes for your dessert. They're like sort of flatbread batter type things, like dumplings.

• 2:04:26Speaker 05

  I'm gonna eat a Johnny cake.

• 2:04:27Speaker 03

  Are you? Not during this meal though?

• 2:04:30Speaker 05

  Not during this meal. They're not the thing. All right, great. Yeah, stay away from those.

• 2:04:36Speaker 03

  Normally, look, for the listener, we never tell the guests what the secret ingredient is, but I felt, oh, fuck. We've led Johnny to this now.

• 2:04:45Speaker 05

  There's no way I'm gonna say I'll have a Johnny cake. I didn't know they existed.

• 2:04:48Speaker 03

  I thought you were on the verge. I thought we'd introduce you to what they are. You said, oh, I'm gonna eat one. And I was like.

• 2:04:55Speaker 02

  If the next sentence was, yeah, fuck it. Why don't I put one on the menu?

• 2:04:58Speaker 03

  And then we go, get out.

• 2:05:01Speaker 05

  Yeah, that is unacceptable. That would not stand up in a.

• 2:05:04Speaker 02

  Also, when Johnny found that out, he moved backwards, but he's had to move the microphone closer closer to him because he rolled his chair backwards.

• 2:05:11Speaker 05

  I think I realised what treacherous group he is. It does sound a bit like a Johnny cake, doesn't it? What's one of them? Oh, wow.

• 2:05:17Speaker 03

  You'd like those. Why don't you try one now?

• 2:05:20Speaker 05

  I like that you thought, how can we get Johnny to say something? He'll probably say his name.

• 2:05:25Speaker 03

  He'll say his own name and then if he follows that with cake.

• 2:05:29Speaker 05

  The simplest thing's out. I would like a Johnny cake, please.

• 2:05:33Speaker 02

  I and some Johnny Pecoras. Every single food you say your name after yourself.

• 2:05:39Speaker 03

  Johnny Carbonara. Johnny Carbonara sounds like quite the character.

• 2:05:43Speaker 02

  Well, he's in the mafia with. Irish Joe, isn't he? Joe Irish.

• 2:05:47Speaker 05

  He's trying to get in the Blazing Bangladeshi, but we're not letting him in. Go away, Johnny Carbonara.

• 2:05:51Speaker 02

  Yeah, come on guys. I love living in Bradford.

• 2:05:56Speaker 03

  Put me on the wing. I'm going to throw ins.

• 2:05:59Speaker 02

  I can play soccer. I'm Johnny Carbonara.

• 2:06:03Speaker 03

  Good character, isn't it?

• 2:06:04Speaker 05

  I love that. I think you can make that into a sketch, Johnny Carbonara.

• 2:06:07Speaker 02

  Johnny Carbonara, yeah. Making is one of my sketches I do.

• 2:06:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:06:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, one of your many sketches. Like, do you want to interview Johnny Carbonara for the Blazing Bangladeshis? Trying to get in the gag?

• 2:06:21Speaker 05

  What bit of Bangladesh do you feel most proud of?

• 2:06:24Speaker 02

  Oh my god, I just love Bangladesh, you know?

• 2:06:29Speaker 02

  I love the cuisine, I love the people. I just feel Bangladeshi at heart. I'm Johnny Carbonara.

• 2:06:37Speaker 05

  You're welcome, additional to the gang.

• 2:06:38Speaker 02

  Fantastic.

• 2:06:40Speaker 05

  To be honest, it was quite easy to get in the gang. We were actually recruiting. People were leaving. This isn't the social. It hasn't helped me socially, as I imagine it would.

• 2:06:48Speaker 03

  Still getting bullied. It doesn't help to that.

• 2:06:51Speaker 05

  It just allows the bully to know the group to bully now.

• 2:06:54Speaker 03

  Yeah, okay, great. There he is.

• 2:06:56Speaker 02

  Was there ever a situation where so many Bangladeshis had left, you had to recruit more white people? And then it was a fully white gang called the Blazing Bangladeshis?

• 2:07:03Speaker 03

  That would have been the most, like a kind of atomic kitten situation.

• 2:07:09Speaker 02

  Sugar Babes.

• 2:07:09Speaker 03

  Sugar Babes, sorry.

• 2:07:11Speaker 05

  You said Sugar Babes, which is almost angrier.

• 2:07:13Speaker 02

  Sugar Babes, you said a material about it, next.

• 2:07:15Speaker 03

  Imagine if once, like, Sugar Babes replaced themselves with members of Atomic Kitten and it turned into a company?

• 2:07:20Speaker 02

  Yeah, I'd love that.

• 2:07:21Speaker 03

  But they're still called the Sugar Babes?

• 2:07:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:07:23Speaker 03

  That would have been the most confusing.

• 2:07:26Speaker 03

  Imagine if Sugar Babes changed their name to Blazing Bangladeshis?

• 2:07:30Speaker 05

  That would be confusing.

• 2:07:30Speaker 02

  That would be very confusing.

• 2:07:31Speaker 05

  Copyright. There's a chance I could make some money from that.

• 2:07:34Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:07:34Speaker 03

  Yeah, but that would be quite the news story. People going, sorry, this guy.

• 2:07:40Speaker 03

  He owns the name Blazing Bangladeshis.

• 2:07:44Speaker 03

  And now he's taken the Sugar Babes to call it.

• 2:07:46Speaker 02

  That would be a bad look for you. I think you'd be a villain on the internet if you tried to sue someone for using the name Blazing Bangladeshis.

• 2:07:51Speaker 05

  You just have to take the money and run.

• 2:07:52Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:07:53Speaker 03

  This is why people make money.

• 2:07:56Speaker 05

  This is why people sue Atomic Kitten.

• 2:08:03Speaker 00

  Welcome to 215 Maple Drive. We just put this property on the market.

• 2:08:09Speaker 01

  Love the crown molding.

• 2:08:10Speaker 00

  Oh, wait until you see the walk-in closets and the bathroom tile.

• 2:08:14Speaker 01

  Does it have Verizon FiOS? You know, 100% fiber internet.

• 2:08:18Speaker 00

  No FiOS, but it looks like it's got cable. Let's check out the kitchen.

• 2:08:22Speaker 01

  No FiOS? Yeah, no thank you.

• 2:08:25Speaker 00

  Don't you want to see the rest? Okay, bye-bye.

• 2:08:28Speaker 02

  Get Verizon FiOS, because when you're moving, it's 100% or nothing.

• 2:08:41Speaker 02

  We're getting deep into the best of episode now, and it's time to bring out the X-rated stuff.

• 2:08:46Speaker 03

  This podcast turns into filth more often than we're proud of.

• 2:08:50Speaker 02

  Let's go below the belt with Will Sharp, Self Esteem, and Julian Clary. Surprise, surprise.

• 2:08:58Speaker 03

  Was it hard on the holiday to enjoy all the little fish with a nagging doubt that your wife had slept with your friend?

• 2:09:07Speaker 05

  What?

• 2:09:08Speaker 03

  Because he was suspicious and you were certain that your wife had slept with your friend in the hotel. So you couldn't really enjoy the fish.

• 2:09:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, I was in a really contemplative, angry way.

• 2:09:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:09:20Speaker 05

  It's just like, what the fish is, I don't know, betrayal.

• 2:09:24Speaker 02

  I think you should have warned all your friends you were going to tug yourself off in that show, man.

• 2:09:29Speaker 02

  I'm so excited for you that you were in it. And then I pop it on, enjoy myself, and then I'm like, oh, I did not need to see that.

• 2:09:35Speaker 03

  No.

• 2:09:36Speaker 05

  Apologies for the group email. Just as a heads up, I'm going to tug myself off in this show.

• 2:09:41Speaker 02

  I'm really going to go to town on myself.

• 2:09:43Speaker 05

  Weird. I know I haven't spoken to many of you for some years, but just as a heads up, I'm going to tug myself off in this show.

• 2:09:50Speaker 03

  Just in case you're going to watch it.

• 2:09:52Speaker 02

  Lying on your side? I think you're lying on your side.

• 2:09:54Speaker 03

  Oh, yeah, lying on your side, tugging yourself off.

• 2:09:57Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:09:58Speaker 03

  You could have put that in the menu unusual. Who lies on their side?

• 2:10:05Speaker 02

  Like a painting.

• 2:10:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:10:09Speaker 03

  Luckily, this is the first time Will and I have met, so when I saw that, I just thought, this is brilliant.

• 2:10:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:10:14Speaker 03

  I didn't know you. I didn't know you, so I was like, I was like, go for it. Go on, lad.

• 2:10:20Speaker 05

  Go on, lad.

• 2:10:21Speaker 02

  Go on, lad.

• 2:10:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's what I said when I was watching that scene.

• 2:10:23Speaker 02

  Have you?

• 2:10:24Speaker 03

  Out loud, when I was watching that scene.

• 2:10:26Speaker 05

  Go on, lad.

• 2:10:26Speaker 02

  I keep getting served a video on YouTube Shorts of, it's like a Ring camera doorbell thing.

• 2:10:33Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:10:34Speaker 02

  Of an old Jehovah's Witness ringing the doorbell and from like Yorkshire. He's like, oh, it's Jehovah's Witness. And the guy on the other end of the doorbell goes, just having a wank at the moment, mate. And the guy pauses and then goes, all right, good lad.

• 2:10:53Speaker 02

  So many times I've watched that.

• 2:10:54Speaker 05

  Amazing.

• 2:10:55Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:10:55Speaker 03

  You're from Yorkshire?

• 2:10:57Speaker 05

  No, I'm not.

• 2:10:59Speaker 03

  Yeah, you are. I saw a film, you're from Yorkshire.

• 2:11:02Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:11:03Speaker 03

  From Yorkshire in Real Pain.

• 2:11:04Speaker 05

  Oh, yeah. Sheffield.

• 2:11:06Speaker 03

  You can't deny it.

• 2:11:07Speaker 02

  See, this is the sort of interview style that we need to talk about.

• 2:11:10Speaker 03

  What?

• 2:11:11Speaker 02

  Where you.

• 2:11:12Speaker 03

  He was talking to me about this before you got here.

• 2:11:14Speaker 02

  Where we have actors on and then you go, you were in that? And they go, yeah. And then you don't follow it up with anything.

• 2:11:19Speaker 03

  Why should I have to?

• 2:11:21Speaker 05

  It's good segue, so he's spotting.

• 2:11:22Speaker 03

  He knows more about it.

• 2:11:24Speaker 05

  He knows more about it than I do.

• 2:11:25Speaker 02

  The links are perfect, but there's never a question.

• 2:11:27Speaker 03

  I've teed him up.

• 2:11:28Speaker 05

  Teed him up.

• 2:11:29Speaker 03

  Okay, here's the thing about that film. I think the funniest line in that film, genuinely, is when you say, thank you, David.

• 2:11:36Speaker 05

  Oh, thank you.

• 2:11:37Speaker 03

  I think it's so funny.

• 2:11:38Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 2:11:39Speaker 03

  I went to a screening of that film where Jesse Ito did a Q and A afterwards and talked about you at length and how much he liked you.

• 2:11:46Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 2:11:47Speaker 03

  And then he said that that line was improvised and it blew my mind. Was it improvised?

• 2:11:52Speaker 05

  Uh, it was kind of improvised. It was like, basically the joke was built into the scene that I give Kieran Culkin's character a much more heartfelt goodbye. And it wasn't scripted that I said anything to Jesse, which I thought was a bit weird. So I just thought that I should probably do not very much so that the joke still carries. So like, the joke was in the scene. And it was also, I think it was the last, we're really running out of time. And so it was like, we only have time to do one take of this. So I was like, well, shoot your shot, I guess. And I think afterwards he was like, that was so funny. I don't think it will make it in the film because it's too silly. Oh really.

• 2:12:25Speaker 03

  But he sort of came around.

• 2:12:27Speaker 02

  I've not seen it yet, but I've just checked now because I can check with you now. Do you tug yourself off then?

• 2:12:32Speaker 05

  I don't know.

• 2:12:33Speaker 02

  Okay, great. I'll watch it tonight.

• 2:12:34Speaker 05

  About like a Holocaust tour.

• 2:12:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:12:37Speaker 03

  He's there. He's a tour guide. He's in a professional capacity.

• 2:12:40Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:12:41Speaker 03

  There's absolutely no way.

• 2:12:42Speaker 02

  Yeah, no time, no time to tug yourself off.

• 2:12:44Speaker 05

  No.

• 2:12:45Speaker 03

  No.

• 2:12:45Speaker 05

  No.

• 2:12:46Speaker 03

  Even if you improvised it.

• 2:12:47Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:12:47Speaker 03

  I was about to say that's probably not gonna make it.

• 2:12:49Speaker 05

  Yeah, I don't think that, yeah.

• 2:12:51Speaker 03

  That will make it in. Well, thank you.

• 2:12:53Speaker 02

  I did got to shoot my shot.

• 2:12:58Speaker 03

  Your dream sides in there. Or is your dream side something different?

• 2:13:02Speaker 02

  Oh no. He's panicked.

• 2:13:05Speaker 05

  Oh god.

• 2:13:11Speaker 03

  I'll tell you what.

• 2:13:13Speaker 05

  Oh, there's too many here.

• 2:13:14Speaker 03

  Of sides, we know what this guy likes to do on his side.

• 2:13:18Speaker 03

  Remember, will you tug yourself off?

• 2:13:22Speaker 02

  Aubrey Plaza caught you?

• 2:13:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, I do remember.

• 2:13:25Speaker 03

  She caught you, man. She caught you. That must have been embarrassing.

• 2:13:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:13:28Speaker 03

  Did they tell you that was gonna happen?

• 2:13:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, it was in the script. What I remember about that was going into it, I remember thinking, this is gonna be so funny. It's such a funny scene. It's gonna be really, I mean, I guess for you guys, it was funny. And then as we were sort of rehearsing, it was like, just play it completely straight.

• 2:13:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:13:45Speaker 05

  You know, and, and so then suddenly you feel really vulnerable.

• 2:13:48Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, of course.

• 2:13:49Speaker 05

  But I think it did make it better. It basically made it like the tensor. But going in, I was like, oh, it's gonna be so fun. And then it was something, oh, this is really like tense and uncomfortable.

• 2:13:58Speaker 03

  Yeah. Oh, it must have been horrible to film it.

• 2:14:01Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:14:01Speaker 03

  I mean, it's really funny because you've played it straight.

• 2:14:04Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:14:05Speaker 03

  Because then it's more believable. It's really funny.

• 2:14:07Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:14:08Speaker 03

  But like, yeah, I would have been, I imagine in the moment, it would have been way easier for you just to, you know.

• 2:14:13Speaker 05

  There are some takes.

• 2:14:14Speaker 03

  Play it silly.

• 2:14:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, in the rushes where when she catches me, I'm doing full like Mr. Bean tumbles off the bed. And like, and then sort of like standing up. Side like, kind of trying to recover from it.

• 2:14:27Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:14:28Speaker 05

  And sort of, you know, stuttering about porn.

• 2:14:31Speaker 02

  And he was like, I don't, I don't really need that. We've got that now. Could just be caught doing it and just kind of.

• 2:14:41Speaker 03

  Was that as embarrassing, receiving a note like that when you've gone that big?

• 2:14:44Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:14:45Speaker 03

  As getting caught wanking.

• 2:14:47Speaker 02

  No, it was all right. It was part of the process, isn't it? But no, it was, it was like, fair play. Yeah, that is better.

• 2:14:57Speaker 04

  The thing is about, like, as you get older, your tongue dies, right?

• 2:15:01Speaker 03

  Huh?

• 2:15:03Speaker 04

  Have you not noticed?

• 2:15:04Speaker 03

  I didn't know that. Your tongue dies?

• 2:15:06Speaker 04

  I think so, because of all the, you know, the ciggies and dicks. Like, you, your tongue needs.

• 2:15:14Speaker 03

  Taking me back to my Damien Rice days.

• 2:15:18Speaker 02

  The ciggies and dicks make your tongue die?

• 2:15:19Speaker 04

  Well, don't you think? And the booze and the.

• 2:15:22Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:15:22Speaker 04

  So now I need a jalapeno and everything.

• 2:15:24Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:15:25Speaker 04

  You know what I mean, right?

• 2:15:26Speaker 02

  I do, I do, I do add hot sauce to most things, I'd say. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:15:30Speaker 04

  Because our tongues are dying.

• 2:15:31Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:15:31Speaker 04

  Because we were born in the eighties.

• 2:15:33Speaker 02

  And the ciggies and the dicks.

• 2:15:34Speaker 04

  Yeah, and the ciggies and the dicks. Where was I?

• 2:15:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, so your tongue dies as you get older?

• 2:15:40Speaker 04

  So things like lime pickles start to get really fucking nice.

• 2:15:44Speaker 03

  Because your tongue's dead and it couldn't handle it before.

• 2:15:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, and now it's like, woo!

• 2:15:49Speaker 02

  Is your tongue one of the things that keeps growing when you're older as well? You know, like, your, is it your ears and your?

• 2:15:55Speaker 04

  You're asking the wrong person in this room. Is anyone a doctor?

• 2:15:59Speaker 03

  I don't think it's your tongue.

• 2:16:01Speaker 04

  I don't think you need to ask a doctor.

• 2:16:02Speaker 03

  I don't think old people have really long tongues. Do they?

• 2:16:06Speaker 02

  But the ears grow, right?

• 2:16:07Speaker 04

  Yeah, your ears and your nose, I think.

• 2:16:08Speaker 02

  Ears and nose, but not your tongue?

• 2:16:10Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 2:16:11Speaker 02

  That would be great. I'd love that.

• 2:16:11Speaker 04

  Oh, your nose growing will be lovely.

• 2:16:13Speaker 02

  Yeah, once my nose is a grown-up size.

• 2:16:17Speaker 02

  My ears and my nose are absolutely tiny.

• 2:16:19Speaker 04

  Oh, yeah, your ears as well.

• 2:16:21Speaker 02

  If I have.

• 2:16:24Speaker 02

  If I have any glasses, I'm fucked. They're not going to stay on my face.

• 2:16:28Speaker 03

  Hopefully you'll be old enough to, you know, you can just keep them in place with your tongue.

• 2:16:37Speaker 02

  Sorry, I've got to read this.

• 2:16:42Speaker 04

  Really good stuff. You're ever so good, you two.

• 2:16:46Speaker 04

  You're ever so good. Because I hate comedians.

• 2:16:50Speaker 02

  Thank you for doing the podcast.

• 2:16:51Speaker 04

  But I don't mind you two at all.

• 2:16:53Speaker 03

  What comedians do you hate?

• 2:16:58Speaker 03

  List a few.

• 2:16:59Speaker 04

  I've had sex with so many of them.

• 2:17:02Speaker 03

  Have you? Well, that would lead me to believe you love comedians.

• 2:17:07Speaker 04

  No, no, no. So what is it next, my starter?

• 2:17:11Speaker 03

  I haven't heard much. I would have thought I'd have heard more gossip about that if you'd been sleeping with loads of comedians. Am I not in the cool gossip circles?

• 2:17:19Speaker 02

  Well, James, of course we're not in the cool gossip circles.

• 2:17:22Speaker 03

  Why don't people tell us when they sleep with pop stars?

• 2:17:25Speaker 04

  People, for a long time, a lot of people invested in my love life and I've had more than one text message saying, "You should go out with James Acaster."

• 2:17:36Speaker 03

  Is that the answer to everyone's problems? There's only one of me to go around, unfortunately.

• 2:17:41Speaker 03

  I'm spoken for.

• 2:17:44Speaker 04

  No, you know, I wasn't thrilled to get the text message, but...

• 2:17:50Speaker 04

  More than once at a time in my life, people were like, "Because no one's funny," do you know what I mean? And then people go, "Oh, do you know who's funny?" And got, like, you know...

• 2:17:59Speaker 03

  Money.

• 2:17:59Speaker 04

  Is breathing.

• 2:18:02Speaker 04

  Money!

• 2:18:02Speaker 02

  Money.

• 2:18:03Speaker 04

  Money!

• 2:18:03Speaker 02

  Money and is breathing.

• 2:18:04Speaker 04

  How much did the set cost?

• 2:18:05Speaker 03

  I don't know. But Eto'o put it on the screen.

• 2:18:08Speaker 02

  Eto'o, put on the screen how much the set cost.

• 2:18:11Speaker 03

  While we're waiting for that, Mildred's have started doing a lime pickle slaw and I wasn't, you know, I was a big fan of Mildred's and they went chain and it got less good, but some of it's still good. This lime pickle slaw they've just introduced is outstanding, next level. I absolutely love it. And I just think I should shout it out while we're talking about lime pickle because they're excited about it.

• 2:18:30Speaker 04

  I thought about saying a few things I like that about fifteen...

• 2:18:34Speaker 02

  Oh my god!

• 2:18:35Speaker 04

  That is...

• 2:18:35Speaker 03

  Fifteen K? Are you shitting me?

• 2:18:39Speaker 03

  Are you fucking shitting? Get rid of it now!

• 2:18:43Speaker 03

  We're not making any money on this shit.

• 2:18:45Speaker 02

  Fifteen K.

• 2:18:46Speaker 04

  That's what it's like being a pop star. Um, I'm fine.

• 2:18:52Speaker 04

  What were you just saying?

• 2:18:54Speaker 03

  Line Pickles Law?

• 2:18:54Speaker 04

  Shouting out stuff you want for free.

• 2:18:57Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:18:58Speaker 04

  I like Yard Sale Pizza.

• 2:19:01Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:19:01Speaker 04

  Loads. I'm not gonna, it's not on my menu.

• 2:19:03Speaker 03

  No, shout them out. Let's shout the free stuff.

• 2:19:05Speaker 04

  Marks and Spencer's Food Hall.

• 2:19:10Speaker 04

  Really good. There's one open near where I'm living and it's truly become our plans.

• 2:19:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:19:16Speaker 04

  That's what we're gonna do today. Go to M and S Food Hall.

• 2:19:19Speaker 02

  What's your favourite thing in the M and S Food Hall?

• 2:19:21Speaker 04

  So, the orange cordial. Have you fucked with that?

• 2:19:25Speaker 02

  No, I've not fucked with the M and S orange cordial.

• 2:19:28Speaker 04

  Ah, but it's so bad I go through it really quickly.

• 2:19:32Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:19:33Speaker 03

  How many wee-wee?

• 2:19:35Speaker 04

  How many wee-wee?

• 2:19:36Speaker 02

  Yeah, you can't ask.

• 2:19:37Speaker 04

  How many wee-wee? And I've got like, I've got one of them big, you know, flasks to hydrate, cause I'm always trying to be more healthier than I am and I fill it with the orange cordial from M and S, which is counterintuitive.

• 2:19:54Speaker 02

  I think people have taken hydration too far these days.

• 2:19:57Speaker 04

  Tell me more, cause I'm, I'm fed up of it.

• 2:19:59Speaker 02

  It wasn't, it was never, I'd say last, last 10 years, like, people are like, you've gotta hydrate, you've gotta have a massive flask with you all the time. If, 10 years ago, people were drinking less water and they weren't walking around like big crisps or anything, were they?

• 2:20:14Speaker 04

  My mum's never drank water and she's still alive, so.

• 2:20:18Speaker 03

  My parents look awful.

• 2:20:22Speaker 04

  What age were you?

• 2:20:23Speaker 03

  What?

• 2:20:24Speaker 04

  When they, did you say your parents divorced?

• 2:20:26Speaker 02

  No.

• 2:20:28Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 2:20:28Speaker 03

  I said they look awful.

• 2:20:30Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 2:20:30Speaker 03

  But you thought I said divorced and you were laughing your head off.

• 2:20:37Speaker 03

  Your dream starter, Julian.

• 2:20:40Speaker 05

  Yes. I have a choice of two, is that all right?

• 2:20:45Speaker 02

  Yes, let's say, let's say both of them, we can try and narrow you down on it.

• 2:20:47Speaker 05

  Well, the first one, I, I used to live in the same village in Kent as Paula Grady and he used to invite me over for dinner and I went over one, um,

• 2:20:59Speaker 05

  making up their own jokes now.

• 2:21:02Speaker 02

  Julian, I think it's cause you're quite cackishly rubbing the inside.

• 2:21:04Speaker 05

  Of your thigh.

• 2:21:07Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:21:08Speaker 05

  I didn't even know I was doing that. Sort of self comfort, I think, yeah. That's not something the osteopath told you to do.

• 2:21:20Speaker 05

  So I went round at Halloween, it was, and there was a selection of people. His manager and my husband and Paul's sister Vera. Anyway, he served us pumpkin soup. And the next thing I knew, I woke up in a field.

• 2:21:40Speaker 05

  Surrounded by sheep. And that soup was enhanced. Something had put in, he denied it, you know, the next day, because I had no memory of the entire evening. But something was put in that soup, but it was very Moorish.

• 2:21:58Speaker 05

  So that's one choice.

• 2:22:01Speaker 03

  The laced soup. The laced soup.

• 2:22:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, enhanced pumpkin soup.

• 2:22:06Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:22:07Speaker 05

  The other choice is, have you heard of a cheese called Dux de Montana?

• 2:22:11Speaker 03

  No.

• 2:22:12Speaker 05

  Well, I hadn't until about.

• 2:22:13Speaker 03

  I think it's a Spike Lee film.

• 2:22:21Speaker 03

  You said,

• 2:22:24Speaker 03

  have you heard of a cheese called Dux de Montana? And I said, I think that's a Spike Lee film. Because there's a Spike Lee film called Do the Right Thing.

• 2:22:35Speaker 03

  As I was saying it, I was like, he can't even hear you, James. Why are you going for a pun that barely works?

• 2:22:43Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 2:22:44Speaker 03

  That also requires a knowledge of Spike Lee's filmography.

• 2:22:49Speaker 05

  Well, it was worth a try.

• 2:22:57Speaker 05

  These things, they can be edited out.

• 2:23:01Speaker 03

  It won't be.

• 2:23:04Speaker 03

  Not now.

• 2:23:04Speaker 05

  Duda Montana. Yes. Couple of years ago, I was invited to play the part of Herod in the Jesus Christ Superstar Musical. It's a great part, Herod. You're only on stage with three minutes and 20 seconds. Although, from the back of the stalls, some people thought I was Imelda Staunton.

• 2:23:31Speaker 05

  But there's a lot of sitting round in your dressing room wiping down surfaces, you know, waiting for your three minutes. And...

• 2:23:41Speaker 05

  My hobby when I was on tour was to go round wherever I found myself to Marks and Spencer's. Because, you know, they're different in each town or city. And I was in Manch... We were in Manchester and I was in Marks and Spencer's, collecting my bits and bobs, vegetarian lasagna, Pop-Tarts for afters. I don't care who knows it. And I made my way to the till and I don't, this'll surprise you, I don't go for the shortest queue. I go for the most interesting looking woman on the till.

• 2:24:17Speaker 05

  And I found this marvelous looking woman with dirty fingernails and tattoos up her neck. I thought, oh, yes.

• 2:24:28Speaker 05

  She'll be good to chat to. And the man in front of me in the queue was very elderly, probably in his 90s. I mean, it's Manchester, so you can't really tell.

• 2:24:39Speaker 05

  He was quite dodgy and he was getting his bits and bobs out and I thought, shall I offer to help? And I thought, no.

• 2:24:51Speaker 05

  It'll give him a sense of achievement. Anyway, he did what he had to do, took a while, and they put it into his little string bag and totted off. And then it was my turn, and I was so busy talking to this woman who was telling me how she'd slashed her husband with a Stanley knife. And you fucking deserved it.

• 2:25:13Speaker 05

  Speak to me like that, you bastard. And I wasn't really paying much attention. Now, I put my items into my Louis Vuitton shopping bag.

• 2:25:24Speaker 05

  And I got back to my digs. Put them on the draining board. What do you think? There was an item there that I hadn't paid for. This old boy had left this Doudou Montana cheese behind. And I put it in with my shopping. I felt terrible. But I wolfed that cheese down.

• 2:25:45Speaker 05

  In one sitting, and it was delicious. So, to get to the point.

• 2:25:51Speaker 05

  You could deep fry Doudou Montana cheese, so that's my other alternative.

• 2:25:56Speaker 03

  Amazing. Would you like that cheese in the dream menu to have been stolen from a 90-year-old man?

• 2:26:04Speaker 05

  No, that's just how I discovered it. I mean, God bless him, if he hadn't left it behind, I would never have discovered. It's lovely. It's got a sort of nutty flavour.

• 2:26:17Speaker 05

  Creamy and nutty.

• 2:26:20Speaker 05

  It slips down, James.

• 2:26:24Speaker 05

  You'll thank me for that. You try it.

• 2:26:27Speaker 03

  Have you had it deep fried before? Did you deep fry it the first time you had it?

• 2:26:31Speaker 05

  No, I've never had it deep fried.

• 2:26:33Speaker 03

  But you're just imagining.

• 2:26:34Speaker 05

  That's how I might enhance it. Because people, you do that in restaurants. They deep fry cheese.

• 2:26:38Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:26:39Speaker 05

  I think they cover it in breadcrumbs or something, and you get a little... What is it you have with cheese? That sort of fruity compote.

• 2:26:47Speaker 03

  A cooley?

• 2:26:51Speaker 05

  Security.

• 2:26:58Speaker 03

  I don't know. I'm paralysed here. A chutney, a chutney sort of thing? Oh, where's my... Oh, just in a can.

• 2:27:10Speaker 03

  Wait, could you open that for me? Times I've said that. Yes, that's open. Is it?

• 2:27:19Speaker 03

  How do you drink it then?

• 2:27:20Speaker 05

  It's already open. There's a little bit there.

• 2:27:22Speaker 03

  It does not surprise me, Julian. That's the opening there. That Julian Clary's never drunk anything from a can before. I've had those bottles with the sort of nipple. Yeah. So which, which, which are you thinking of, of going, going for? You've got the enhanced pumpkin soup. Yeah. You've got the deep fried Duda Montana. Well, the trouble is, if you have that soup, you never get on to anything else. Yeah. Sort of game over. Yeah. As I recall, so I'd go for the old man's cheese.

• 2:27:59Speaker 03

  And if innuendo and tugging yourself off wasn't lowbrow enough, here's our annual section of toilet humour. Yes, this podcast talks about shit and piss more often than we're proud of. Here's George Egg, Bridget Christie, Mo Gilligan, Stacey Dooley, Marian Keyes, David Tennant, Ian Smith, Elle Fanning and John Kearns.

• 2:28:17Speaker 03

  Poplums or bread? Poplums or bread, George Egg? Poplums or bread?

• 2:28:20Speaker 05

  Do you know, I knew it was coming.

• 2:28:21Speaker 03

  Announcement before you answer. An announcement.

• 2:28:24Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:28:25Speaker 03

  How many episodes of this podcast have we done now, Bonita? Two hundred and sixty something? That's the first time I've shouted poplums or bread and it's made me fart.

• 2:28:32Speaker 05

  Oh, wow.

• 2:28:37Speaker 05

  Maybe it's the thought of the sausages.

• 2:28:39Speaker 03

  I, I, I, as I shouted bread, I did a fart. And it was forced out by me shouting and doing them. The first time you said bread or the second time? Oh, yeah, the first time. But you still went in just as hard the second time. Yes, because I was trying to, I, I, I was so worried that maybe people had heard the fart. I thought, just keep on, just keep on going. Were you not worried that if you pushed even harder, you might squeeze the sausage out your thermos? Maybe, maybe.

• 2:29:08Speaker 03

  I was hoping that it could be too small, wouldn't it? And, and it wouldn't come out. So there you go. It's a first of the podcast.

• 2:29:16Speaker 05

  It is a first.

• 2:29:17Speaker 03

  All these times of shouting poplums or bread, but that's the first time.

• 2:29:20Speaker 05

  It's a modest sized room, this as well.

• 2:29:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, let's hope it doesn't smell of pot. Sausages by the end. We'll see. Pop those a bread, George.

• 2:29:28Speaker 05

  Well, here's the thing. I think you know what I'm gonna say.

• 2:29:31Speaker 03

  Well, I guess you're gonna say bread, or you've got a hack where you got both of them.

• 2:29:35Speaker 05

  No, I'm gonna, I'm gonna say, I'm gonna say bread because where was the, in fact, that I think the last time.

• 2:29:40Speaker 03

  Saw you on your birthday making bread.

• 2:29:42Speaker 05

  Yeah. Shall I say where?

• 2:29:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:29:44Speaker 05

  E5 Bakehouse.

• 2:29:45Speaker 03

  E5 Bakehouse, having a, for your birthday, someone got it for you for your birthday.

• 2:29:49Speaker 05

  My daughter, who works at E5.

• 2:29:52Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 2:29:53Speaker 05

  At the time of recording.

• 2:29:54Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:29:56Speaker 05

  You never know what she might have done between now and then. Yeah, she's, she's a baker. And I, I said I would love to, because I love baking bread anyway, you know, I love baking bread, of course I do.

• 2:30:05Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:30:05Speaker 05

  Um, and she said, uh, I'll, I'll organise you to do a stage, which is, you know, when you go and basically chef for free in a, in a food establishment.

• 2:30:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:30:15Speaker 05

  Uh, so I went and got there early in the morning and we spent the day baking bread. And James came in and came backstage.

• 2:30:23Speaker 03

  I did, I mean backstage, we could say happy birthday to George. I could see all that. You could meet all the bread. Met all the bread.

• 2:30:30Speaker 05

  We tried to get you to have a go with the bread, but you were, you were bread shy, you were dough shy.

• 2:30:34Speaker 03

  I wouldn't do it. Why not, man? I don't, I just, I, I.

• 2:30:37Speaker 05

  It is a, it is a very high.

• 2:30:38Speaker 03

  My history with baking is not good. I don't touch it.

• 2:30:42Speaker 05

  Do you know, it is quite, uh, intimidating, the dough.

• 2:30:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:30:46Speaker 05

  In E5 because the quantities are insane.

• 2:30:49Speaker 03

  Because East London is like sort of Cockney gangster.

• 2:30:51Speaker 05

  Attitude is.

• 2:30:52Speaker 03

  Yeah. You were doing a good job, man. You were doing a good job and.

• 2:30:56Speaker 05

  I loved it. I absolutely loved it. I mean, I, I, before I started doing the cooking on stage shows, I had this real, because I was doing stand up for years before that. Kind of more conventional stand up. I had this real thing where I thought I'm gonna, I'm gonna stop doing stand up altogether and I'm gonna do something in the culinary world, like, you know, at a cafe or whatever, something like that. Um, and then I started doing the on stage cooking and realised, oh, actually I can do both. But I think I could work in a bakery. I'd be happy going in every day, doing the same thing. It's meditative. You feel like you're creating something. Uh, of value, you know, it's, it's not intense. It's just, yeah, it's fantastic.

• 2:31:31Speaker 03

  Also, there's something about bread, because that is such a staple food for so many people, that making it feel sort of.

• 2:31:37Speaker 05

  Oh, it's, it's quite, uh.

• 2:31:39Speaker 03

  It's like integrament. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:31:41Speaker 05

  Is that the right word?

• 2:31:41Speaker 03

  Also, it's only when I met your daughter that I realised your surname isn't actually Egg.

• 2:31:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, I know. Because I I always assumed it was. Meg Eggs. And then your daughter's called Meg. And I was like, there's absolutely no way.

• 2:31:55Speaker 03

  That is mad that that is the first time you thought the egg might not be George's real name.

• 2:32:01Speaker 05

  I've met a guy called Paul Foot. Well, there's, there are, there are real eggs out there. I ha- I've had people find me on social media. Yeah. And say, oh, I've found another egg.

• 2:32:12Speaker 03

  Yeah. They sound doing my, they sound doing my family egg tree. And.

• 2:32:17Speaker 05

  So what's the particular type of bread you want then for your, because I know you're George Egg, you're not going to just want bread in general. Well, here's the thing. So I want to give a shout out to, I suppose, honourable munchings, that's what we say. Yeah. Uh, to white sliced bread with margarine and cress. And I tell you why that is. Because when I was in nursery school, we grew cress. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, as we all do. Yeah. And I will never forget the sensation of having, and we, when we finished growing, it took a week or so. And then we cut it down and we, we had white bread and it would have been margarine, thickly spread. And then we cut the, put the cress in. And just the sensation of having that is just, you know, it's the ratatouille, you know, critic. That's very nice.

• 2:33:02Speaker 05

  Needs moment. But that's not the bread I'm choosing. I'm choosing E5 bread because it's, it's such incredibly good bread. And because I've been there and I've made it and my daughter makes it and you know it's great bread. I know it's great. I know it's great. I mean, they featured on my first dream menu that here. I think my side dish was the roast carrots there. When I came and met you backstage, I also met the person who made the carrots. Wow. Did you talk to the carrot person? Yes, I talked to them. I said, thank you, thank you so much. I said, will we, because, you know, for those people who don't know E5, the menu changes every day. It's a different lunch every day. So, you know, I very pathetically went, will we be seeing those carrots again anytime soon? Well, you never know.

• 2:33:38Speaker 03

  James's life is going to restaurants and asking people who work there, when is a menu item coming back?

• 2:33:44Speaker 05

  But that is, that is the worst though, isn't it? It's that thing of when things, here's something I want them to bring back. Yeah. I don't like, uh, malt loaf, Serene malt loaf. No, me neither. There is, I, there is a thing you can do, there's a recipe in the book where you, you microwave it and add butter and then it turns almost into like, kind of, sort of sticky toffee pudding. It's amazing. But briefly, uh, Serene did a, like a cereal bar called the Go Bar. Mm-hmm. Stop doing it. It's gone. Can't get it anymore. But you loved it. It was just, it was so good. It was kind of multi-serene.

• 2:34:14Speaker 03

  But it was it was like a flapjack and yeah, it was just, it was heavenly. But if you met the people from Serene, would you go, please put back the go bar? Oh, I really would. Do you know, I've thought, I've actually thought about writing to them.

• 2:34:28Speaker 05

  How do you think the people at Serene would apologize to you?

• 2:34:32Speaker 03

  Well, I, oh.

• 2:34:37Speaker 03

  If they just went, we apologize.

• 2:34:41Speaker 03

  Even like, fuck it all, guys. It's right there. We are multi-sorry. Come on.

• 2:34:49Speaker 05

  I I went to the the French in Manchester recently, which I've shouted out on the podcast before. I love it. And their bread changes pretty regularly. They get it from Pullman Bakery in Manchester and they did a malt loaf sourdough hybrid and it was so good with beer butter.

• 2:35:09Speaker 03

  Oh, wow. Beer butter?

• 2:35:10Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:35:11Speaker 03

  Wow.

• 2:35:11Speaker 05

  And or beef butter.

• 2:35:15Speaker 05

  Actually, actually, I I as I said beer butter, I was like, that's not right.

• 2:35:20Speaker 03

  Is there anything you you'd like to talk about apart from the room itself that we can we can just talk about that for a bit?

• 2:35:25Speaker 04

  Well, something has come up, which is that I thought my guts had exploded two weeks ago. Honest to God, I was sat watching telly and I was like, oh, I think I need the toilet. Oh, no, because this is a food podcast.

• 2:35:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:35:43Speaker 04

  No, I'll just tell you anyway, because it's just happened.

• 2:35:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:35:46Speaker 04

  So I thought either my appendix has burst.

• 2:35:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:35:49Speaker 04

  Or my guts have exploded. Either way.

• 2:35:53Speaker 03

  Either one of those medical things.

• 2:35:54Speaker 04

  This isn't good. And I've had two children. And this, what was happening to me was worse than contractions.

• 2:36:02Speaker 03

  Oh, God.

• 2:36:03Speaker 04

  So I went to the downstairs toilet. My son was upstairs revising for his A levels. Didn't want to worry him, but I thought, you know, I've got quite high pain threshold. But I was like, I was on the floor in the toilet for half an hour. Guess what it was?

• 2:36:16Speaker 03

  What?

• 2:36:16Speaker 04

  I didn't know what it was. It was a kidney stone.

• 2:36:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, I was gonna guess that. That was gonna be my first guess. Yeah, because my wife's had those.

• 2:36:23Speaker 04

  Oh my god, were you with her when she had?

• 2:36:25Speaker 03

  Yeah, it was awful. It was absolutely horrendous.

• 2:36:28Speaker 04

  I honestly, it was worse than having, maybe not my first child, but it was, it was worse than having my second child. Who was, who was quite small when she was born. Well, not, she was bigger than a kidney stone, but it, but the pain of this.

• 2:36:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:36:43Speaker 04

  Was absolutely off the charts.

• 2:36:46Speaker 03

  Did you go to the hospital?

• 2:36:48Speaker 04

  Um, yeah, and they did a scan and they said, yeah, it's less than five millimeters. So, um.

• 2:36:53Speaker 03

  But you've got to pass it.

• 2:36:54Speaker 04

  But why leave it in there though?

• 2:36:56Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 2:36:56Speaker 04

  Anyway, that's not the thing that I was gonna say.

• 2:36:58Speaker 03

  Okay. When you passed it, did you have a, a nice cup of tea?

• 2:37:01Speaker 04

  No, it's still in there.

• 2:37:02Speaker 03

  Like, well, like when you gave birth?

• 2:37:04Speaker 04

  It's in there. I haven't passed it.

• 2:37:06Speaker 03

  When, when you do, will you have a nice cup of tea and some toast like when you gave birth?

• 2:37:09Speaker 04

  Oh, no.

• 2:37:13Speaker 04

  I will keep it though. But I did say to the doctor, will I know when I've passed it? And he said, some people do and some people don't.

• 2:37:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:37:19Speaker 04

  But wouldn't it make a dropping sound?

• 2:37:22Speaker 03

  Depends how, how big is it? I mean, it's.

• 2:37:24Speaker 04

  Four millimeters.

• 2:37:25Speaker 03

  Four millimeters. I'm not sure if that would make a dropping sound. Not sure.

• 2:37:29Speaker 04

  Depends how dense it is.

• 2:37:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:37:31Speaker 04

  There's calcium, isn't it?

• 2:37:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:37:32Speaker 04

  But the, the other thing is that I also have thought that I've had a hernia for about five years. No one can get to the bottom of it.

• 2:37:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:37:40Speaker 04

  I have this thing that appears and disappears.

• 2:37:43Speaker 03

  Uh huh. What, just like a bump?

• 2:37:45Speaker 04

  No, it's like a long, can you take things out of this or? The only way I can describe it is just in front of my right hip is like a, it's like a big erection.

• 2:38:00Speaker 03

  I hope you weren't asking Ben to take things out of this because you want that taken out of it. Yeah, I mean, that's.

• 2:38:04Speaker 04

  That's very unpleasant. Anyway, I've gone.

• 2:38:06Speaker 03

  I think that has to stay in the edit. Yes. But it.

• 2:38:08Speaker 04

  Well, there's people, so it comes and go, but that's the only way I can describe it like that long and, and that sort of shape. Anyway. So I've been to see. To different doctors and consultants, went to a gastroenterologist who did the other, the other weird scan where you have to get your blood injected with this weird stuff so it shows up everything. Is that an ultrasound or something?

• 2:38:29Speaker 03

  A MRI, was it an MRI?

• 2:38:30Speaker 04

  MRI, yeah. So, they, I had that and then he called me and I remember I was on the, I was at Euston, I was going, I was on tour and I, you know, outside the front of Euston, there's the big concourse area, is that word? Anyway, he called me and he said, well, I can't find a hernia, but two things, you've got a slipped disc and you're retaining shit.

• 2:39:00Speaker 03

  That's how he worded it. That's how he worded it.

• 2:39:02Speaker 04

  And then I laughed out loud and I said, doctor, are you telling me that I'm full of shit, right? And he said, in thirty years of practice or something, no patient has ever said that to me when I've said that to them. And I said, well, I don't believe you. I think you're full of shit.

• 2:39:18Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:39:19Speaker 04

  And then he laughed and then we had a bit of a giggle about it. And I said, so is the erection?

• 2:39:25Speaker 03

  Did you call it that to him? You called it the erection.

• 2:39:29Speaker 03

  You said, is the erection? Yeah. Full of shit? Yeah. Do I have? Is my, is this big erection full of shit? Do I have an erection on my body that is made of shit?

• 2:39:40Speaker 04

  I don't think I want this to go.

• 2:39:43Speaker 03

  That's a shame. It's a huge shame.

• 2:39:45Speaker 04

  Is, but the?

• 2:39:46Speaker 03

  Just for the listener, if you are hearing this, it's because Bridget said it was okay for it to go out.

• 2:39:52Speaker 04

  Well, I mean, I can't describe it in any other.

• 2:39:55Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:39:55Speaker 04

  But I haven't had that poo, poo erection, shall we call it?

• 2:40:04Speaker 03

  Yeah. We shall, yeah, we shall call it that. Yeah, we, we'll have to call it that. I mean, there's no other word for it. Has he, has he seen this before, the doctor?

• 2:40:12Speaker 04

  So is that? I don't think he had it described in those terms.

• 2:40:16Speaker 03

  Is that, so the thing that keeps appearing, is that just one, is it like a one big poo?

• 2:40:23Speaker 04

  But I haven't had one for ages, but I'm still going to the toilet.

• 2:40:27Speaker 03

  You're still going to the toilet?

• 2:40:28Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:40:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, but you haven't seen the poo erection for a while.

• 2:40:37Speaker 03

  Geez, we haven't even, we barely. Start.

• 2:40:43Speaker 05

  I don't, well, people won't be eating, will they?

• 2:40:46Speaker 03

  No, they don't eat while they're listening to this. No, we talk about, we, I mean, not specifically that, but we talked about, you know, we talked about.

• 2:40:53Speaker 05

  I don't want to be, you know, people put out shows about their trauma and childhoods. I don't want to be Bridget Christie, the poo erection person. I don't want people to.

• 2:41:04Speaker 03

  Ted Bona.

• 2:41:06Speaker 05

  The Ted Bona. I don't want, you know, people to come and see me. With that. Because of that. I don't think you need to worry about increasing ticket sales if this gets out into the world.

• 2:41:21Speaker 05

  I can't be the only person that this has happened to though, right?

• 2:41:24Speaker 03

  No, I think there must be people listening who've had.

• 2:41:27Speaker 05

  Who will go.

• 2:41:28Speaker 03

  I've had a poo erection.

• 2:41:29Speaker 05

  But that's the thing is that not enough people do talk about these things publicly. It can be embarrassing.

• 2:41:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:41:34Speaker 05

  And you're doing a great service to people. Yeah. Coming out publicly and saying, I sometimes in my body have a poo erection. And other people who think they're the only ones will feel less alone. Yeah. And less, less weird. And we'll be like, oh, Bridget Christie, who's this iconic comedian made.

• 2:41:55Speaker 03

  And already known for lots of, lots of things. So there's not, it's not like the poo erection would supersede any of your previous creative work.

• 2:42:03Speaker 05

  Come to define you. You just have a erection that is made completely of poo that is, that comes and goes.

• 2:42:11Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:42:12Speaker 05

  Sometimes on your body.

• 2:42:13Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 2:42:14Speaker 05

  What might happen is a doctor might get in touch and say, it isn't feces.

• 2:42:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:42:20Speaker 05

  So. The muscles contracting.

• 2:42:22Speaker 03

  It sounds more.

• 2:42:23Speaker 05

  In a tube shape.

• 2:42:24Speaker 03

  More muscular to, to me.

• 2:42:25Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 2:42:26Speaker 03

  It would seem unusual if it was just a whole poo that was still in your body, occasionally pushing itself to the surface of your skin.

• 2:42:33Speaker 05

  And especially when it's the front.

• 2:42:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:42:34Speaker 05

  From what you describe, it's the front of your body. It's just by my hip. So it would have to like make the journey round.

• 2:42:40Speaker 03

  From the back to there and surely at some point. Well, I was thinking it would. If it was poo. Yeah. You would see it move around, you know.

• 2:42:48Speaker 04

  I would.

• 2:42:48Speaker 03

  I don't, I don't think anyone was thinking it was a poo that was like queued up, ready to go.

• 2:42:53Speaker 04

  Have you seen a substance when that bit of chicken moves around?

• 2:42:56Speaker 03

  No, I've not seen the substance. Yeah.

• 2:42:59Speaker 04

  It's like, um, I didn't think that quite made sense.

• 2:43:07Speaker 03

  I don't think I, I really know much about your food habits, if you're much of a foodie.

• 2:43:13Speaker 02

  I love food, man.

• 2:43:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:43:15Speaker 02

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. To the point where like now I've lost a bit of weight and everyone's like, well, what's going on? You lost weight? I was like, bro, I was eating, bro. I was just eating all the time. Um, but yeah, I'm a big foodie, man. I like my food. I, I would say for a palate, I pretty much eat. Anything you can buy like in an actual supermarket, a proper one, I probably eat it. Like any of those weird things, you know, people eat like crickets and stuff like that. And like funky stuff, I'm, I'm out.

• 2:43:39Speaker 03

  You're out.

• 2:43:40Speaker 02

  I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm out. But I do like to try a thing first, you know what I mean? Like I remember I was trying steak tartare once. But I do this thing where I pretend like I know what I'm eating. So the first time I had oysters. Um, I remember like sitting down and, you know, like everyone's sitting oyster and they're putting the stuff. He's like, yeah, I have oysters. And I'm like, yeah. Do I get spooned and scoop this out? What? And then like, I kind of watch what people do, but I pretend like I know what I'm doing. I do like oysters now. I do like oysters. Same with steak tartare. I didn't know what it was. I was a bit like, what is this? And then when I had it, I was like, yeah. But now I think I do that thing where after a while, when you start eating, you know, like I just get turned off by the look of the food or the texture. So I just don't really like steak tartare because when I see it, it looks like sick. Do you know what I mean?

• 2:44:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:44:25Speaker 02

  It looks like glamorized sick.

• 2:44:26Speaker 03

  Glamorized sick.

• 2:44:27Speaker 02

  Yeah, because sometimes I see it and it looks really nice, but and also I think of my stomach now.

• 2:44:32Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:44:33Speaker 02

  I've got one of them stomachs that tell me like, bro, we don't eat this.

• 2:44:36Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:44:36Speaker 02

  Yeah. And then my stomach will let me know because by two hours I'll be on the toilet, just beatboxing.

• 2:44:42Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got one of those stomachs, man. So, yeah, but I am a foodie. I'm a massive foodie, man.

• 2:44:47Speaker 02

  I was saying it earlier that I feel I've got one of those stomachs. So I've just got to start listening to it because I don't.

• 2:44:52Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:44:53Speaker 02

  I don't listen to it.

• 2:44:54Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:44:54Speaker 02

  Let's go, well.

• 2:44:55Speaker 03

  You like, you like beatboxing though, right? So you like this, you like the sound when it goes wrong.

• 2:45:00Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:45:00Speaker 03

  James records it, puts it on an album.

• 2:45:04Speaker 02

  Got acoustics in my bathroom, actually.

• 2:45:06Speaker 05

  But it lets you know everything's out. That's what I like about it. It lets you know it's all out. Do you see what I'm saying?

• 2:45:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:45:11Speaker 05

  It sounds like rum, but it lets you know, like, that all came out in one go, one blast. There's no fucking around. Unless you get another contraction and then you're like, oh, we've got one more to go.

• 2:45:21Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:45:21Speaker 05

  Then it lets you know that your stomach is.

• 2:45:23Speaker 03

  Bodies are amazing things.

• 2:45:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. The older you get, the real, how you know your body, like, like, you know, like, you guys have had this. You've definitely eaten. So I had something recently, beginning of the year. And I was, I, I think I woke up out of my sleep and I was like, oh my, I don't feel good. And I knew, I was like, we're going to be on the toilet for an hour because I, me and my body know each other. You woke me up sweating out of my sleep. Oh, man, I was beatboxing on that toilet, bro. Yeah, horrible stuff, man.

• 2:45:49Speaker 02

  Also, I, I find it's like you can even pinpoint what the thing, even if you've eaten a whole bunch of stuff.

• 2:45:55Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 2:45:55Speaker 02

  And then later on, you go, it was that.

• 2:45:58Speaker 03

  Instinctively.

• 2:45:59Speaker 05

  Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, a hundred percent. I believe that too.

• 2:46:02Speaker 03

  If you looked at all of the foods you'd eaten in 24 hours in a lineup, like a police lineup.

• 2:46:05Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:46:06Speaker 03

  You just know, you can pick out the one that it was straight away.

• 2:46:09Speaker 05

  Sometimes the food can look a little bit off or have a little bit of an off taste. So you're like, it was probably the Palmer ham that says like, it's the, the Dubai. You know that when it says that it goes off in three months?

• 2:46:20Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:46:21Speaker 05

  But you're like, I shouldn't have really added that. I shouldn't have really followed that.

• 2:46:24Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:46:25Speaker 05

  Do you know what I mean? It's like deodorant. I know it lasts 24 hours, but I still need to like wash it off and put the next, the next one off. Do you know what I mean?

• 2:46:33Speaker 02

  It's a lie. That 24 hour deodorant is a fucking lie.

• 2:46:35Speaker 03

  Some of them is 48 hour protection. It's like.

• 2:46:38Speaker 05

  That's too long.

• 2:46:38Speaker 03

  Why are you?

• 2:46:39Speaker 05

  You must really be.

• 2:46:41Speaker 03

  Surely 20, 24 hours in.

• 2:46:42Speaker 05

  If it's got to last 40 hours.

• 2:46:44Speaker 03

  I'm showering between.

• 2:46:46Speaker 02

  They're just walking around and it's still doing its job. That's incredible.

• 2:46:49Speaker 05

  Yeah. There's someone that definitely gets their money's worth though. There's someone that puts it on and they're like, oh.

• 2:46:54Speaker 03

  They set a stop.

• 2:46:55Speaker 05

  Forty six, Barbara, I'm getting forty six, for forty six hours worth. Yeah, no, that's, that's.

• 2:47:01Speaker 03

  Forty eight, they go, yeah, I stink now.

• 2:47:03Speaker 02

  Yeah.

• 2:47:03Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:47:03Speaker 02

  Also, we skimmed over it, but definitely Ed putting all the food in the.

• 2:47:07Speaker 05

  Police lineup is like some weird fantasy you've had in the past.

• 2:47:11Speaker 03

  What, putting food in a police lineup and picking the one that gave you the shits?

• 2:47:14Speaker 05

  And then kissing it.

• 2:47:17Speaker 05

  You love food so much, that's definitely a thing where you would love to be in a situation where they bring loads of delicious food out. Put it in the food, in the lineup and you're like, that one officer.

• 2:47:26Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's true, actually. Would I be behind the glass, though, behind the, in the two-way?

• 2:47:30Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:47:31Speaker 03

  Two-way mirror.

• 2:47:31Speaker 05

  You know what a food lineup sounds like? It sounds like, you know, you ever see those pictures where they, they tell you as a kid not to eat junk food? And they've got all your junk foods on a lineup of not what to eat, like burgers, fries, and you've got the hot dog, but they're like got glasses on and shit like that? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. McDonald's mascots. Yeah, yeah.

• 2:47:48Speaker 03

  I don't remember this. They've all got glasses on.

• 2:47:50Speaker 05

  What, what, the McDonald's mascots?

• 2:47:52Speaker 03

  No, what, so hang on, what, what are you talking about, where all the food's got glasses on?

• 2:47:55Speaker 05

  No, I mean, like, you know when they do lineups, they always give them glasses, like, like, to make them look bad. You don't realise that?

• 2:48:00Speaker 03

  No.

• 2:48:00Speaker 05

  You know that when they give like the, that, like a, like a hot dog?

• 2:48:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:48:03Speaker 05

  They make it look bad, so they'll give it some glasses and like a moustache. Yeah, yeah. Like, you can't, you can't picture it.

• 2:48:08Speaker 03

  I can't remember that, no.

• 2:48:09Speaker 05

  It's like, soon this guy, he's a hot dog.

• 2:48:13Speaker 05

  Don't want to get in, kids. Yeah, you get cellulite. He's got glasses. You don't want to get in. And if we've got, like, glasses in, in the lineup, you're all coming out like, do you know what I mean? I know, I know what most.

• 2:48:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, I know, you do. I just, I wanted to be in the gang.

• 2:48:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, I want to be in the gang, then you end up in the lineup.

• 2:48:28Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:48:31Speaker 03

  They are bea-, those pie shops are beautiful inside.

• 2:48:33Speaker 04

  Really beautiful, all the tiling, you know, it's all, yeah.

• 2:48:36Speaker 03

  I think they're protected. I think you're, you're not allowed to change them.

• 2:48:38Speaker 04

  Is that right?

• 2:48:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, because there's one in Walthamstow, which is no longer a pie shop, it's a Japanese restaurant, but they can't change the interior.

• 2:48:45Speaker 04

  Oh, fine.

• 2:48:46Speaker 03

  You can have a nice Japanese meal, but sat in an old pie shop.

• 2:48:49Speaker 05

  And of course, the.

• 2:48:50Speaker 03

  Is that interesting?

• 2:48:51Speaker 05

  Huh?

• 2:48:51Speaker 03

  Is that interesting, what I just said?

• 2:48:52Speaker 04

  That's very interesting, yeah.

• 2:48:54Speaker 03

  I felt, if you ever said something and just felt like the most boring version of your dad possible, that's, that was me then.

• 2:48:59Speaker 04

  Mate, was James and I not giving you a reaction? Yeah, that was, that's on us. We should have reacted more.

• 2:49:05Speaker 03

  Thank you, and thank you for admitting that.

• 2:49:06Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:49:06Speaker 05

  Well, I mean, definitely. I, I'll tell you something, a, a lot, along those lines. The other day, I was cleaning out the cat litter tray.

• 2:49:14Speaker 04

  This is really interesting, James.

• 2:49:16Speaker 03

  See, that, yeah, that's the most, the sort of thing I was after.

• 2:49:19Speaker 05

  My cat had done a, a shit in, um, in, I guess in four parts.

• 2:49:24Speaker 04

  Oh.

• 2:49:25Speaker 03

  Four, yeah, okay, four parts.

• 2:49:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, four-part shit.

• 2:49:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, like it's a new TV series.

• 2:49:30Speaker 05

  The four parts of the shit.

• 2:49:32Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:49:33Speaker 05

  And, and I was scooping them up. And it's cat, it's flushable, so I was directly in the toilet. Can't the trays next to toilet? Bam bam bam. Fourth one.

• 2:49:42Speaker 04

  Hmm.

• 2:49:43Speaker 05

  Scoop it up and I think to myself, oh, that's, oh, that's interesting. That was the first bit of shit that came out of its box. I was watching that. So I realised that the last, the last bit that I scooped up was the first bit that came out of its ass. And then I thought, my next thought was, I'm turning it to my dad.

• 2:50:02Speaker 04

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:50:03Speaker 03

  I wouldn't say Stacey enjoyed that anecdote.

• 2:50:05Speaker 04

  Do you know, that's on me again though. I'm not massively into cats. I don't really, I don't really like cats.

• 2:50:10Speaker 03

  It was the cat bit that put you off that story.

• 2:50:14Speaker 04

  It wasn't the drawn out explanation of, you know, the shit. It was the fact that it was a cat.

• 2:50:18Speaker 03

  If it was a bloke who'd done those shits.

• 2:50:19Speaker 04

  I'd be really interested. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:50:22Speaker 05

  I bet that in mind.

• 2:50:22Speaker 04

  What's your cat called?

• 2:50:24Speaker 05

  I've got four.

• 2:50:25Speaker 04

  Have you, James? That's interesting.

• 2:50:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 2:50:29Speaker 04

  Yeah, that, okay.

• 2:50:30Speaker 05

  But that was Rue, that was Rue in particular who did those shits.

• 2:50:33Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:50:33Speaker 03

  Rue's the small one as well.

• 2:50:35Speaker 05

  She's one of the smaller ones, yeah, yeah.

• 2:50:37Speaker 04

  So you love cats, hmm?

• 2:50:38Speaker 05

  Yeah, love them.

• 2:50:39Speaker 04

  I'm so not, so not into, I know, we're never gonna marry, are we?

• 2:50:43Speaker 05

  I guess not, especially with Kevin in the way.

• 2:50:45Speaker 04

  No, yeah.

• 2:50:46Speaker 03

  I'm a cat guy as well.

• 2:50:47Speaker 04

  Yeah, really, fine.

• 2:50:49Speaker 03

  Okay, go, one, one though.

• 2:50:51Speaker 04

  I truly am not into cats, even in the slightest.

• 2:50:53Speaker 03

  It's a shame.

• 2:50:54Speaker 04

  Yeah, I like dogs, but it'd be irresponsible to get a dog at the minute. The baby loves dogs. She's into this cat actually as well that's down the road and I always try and swerve it. I just think, go away, the cat and not my child.

• 2:51:06Speaker 05

  What, what, what, why do you like cats so much? You seem to be a proper hate.

• 2:51:10Speaker 04

  Yeah, they're sort of quite, I'd probably get cancelled because everyone loves cats, but they're sort of quite contrary, aren't they? And they don't really need you and they bring mice in. I'm like, I have a massive phobia of mice, pigeons and mice. Pigeons and rodents, it's just a hard no. I actually had a mouse in my kitchen the other week and I genuinely contemplated moving out.

• 2:51:29Speaker 03

  Called your daughter Minnie?

• 2:51:30Speaker 04

  I thought, I know. You're actually, yeah, yeah, but more like mini driver.

• 2:51:36Speaker 03

  Right, okay.

• 2:51:37Speaker 04

  Yeah. Um, yeah, so I just think I wouldn't have.

• 2:51:41Speaker 05

  Weird, actually.

• 2:51:45Speaker 04

  I wouldn't be able to trust a cat not bringing a mouse into my house.

• 2:51:50Speaker 03

  Well, my cat's a house cat, so has never met a mouse.

• 2:51:53Speaker 04

  Never left the house?

• 2:51:54Speaker 03

  Never left that.

• 2:51:55Speaker 05

  Do you want to hear something nuts?

• 2:51:56Speaker 04

  Yeah, sure.

• 2:51:57Speaker 05

  I was in a film with Mini Driver and I played a mouse.

• 2:51:59Speaker 04

  Stop. That's not true, James.

• 2:52:02Speaker 05

  That is true.

• 2:52:03Speaker 04

  You was in a film with Mini Driver?

• 2:52:05Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 2:52:05Speaker 03

  You weren't in the scene with her, were you?

• 2:52:07Speaker 05

  No, I wasn't in the scene with her.

• 2:52:08Speaker 04

  You played a mouse?

• 2:52:09Speaker 05

  We were in the same film.

• 2:52:10Speaker 04

  What film?

• 2:52:11Speaker 05

  Cinderella.

• 2:52:12Speaker 04

  Stop.

• 2:52:12Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, she's the queen. I was a mouse who turns into a footman.

• 2:52:16Speaker 04

  This is unbelievable.

• 2:52:17Speaker 03

  It is unbelievable, isn't it?

• 2:52:19Speaker 04

  I'm gonna, I'm gonna watch you on the way back.

• 2:52:21Speaker 05

  Amazon.

• 2:52:21Speaker 04

  James, that's amazing.

• 2:52:23Speaker 05

  Yeah, pretty amazing.

• 2:52:24Speaker 04

  That is. I mean, I knew you were like a high-flying comedian.

• 2:52:28Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:52:28Speaker 04

  But you also act.

• 2:52:29Speaker 03

  He's a film star as well.

• 2:52:30Speaker 05

  I'm a film star.

• 2:52:30Speaker 03

  He's in Ghostbusters.

• 2:52:31Speaker 05

  I'm in Ghostbusters.

• 2:52:32Speaker 04

  Stop this.

• 2:52:34Speaker 05

  I'm Lars Pinfield, who's a parabologist.

• 2:52:36Speaker 04

  James, you really are.

• 2:52:38Speaker 03

  Yeah, he's a superstar.

• 2:52:40Speaker 04

  Yeah.

• 2:52:40Speaker 05

  And I still scoop up my cat shit.

• 2:52:43Speaker 04

  You're still so real.

• 2:52:46Speaker 05

  Now, we're talking about books, but now you're talking is the name of your podcast.

• 2:52:51Speaker 04

  Oh, no, no, now you're asking.

• 2:52:52Speaker 05

  Fuck, shit.

• 2:52:54Speaker 04

  No, it's fine.

• 2:52:55Speaker 05

  Fuck.

• 2:52:56Speaker 04

  No, no, that's good because we can make a king of it.

• 2:52:58Speaker 05

  No, I was really pleased with that segue. I knew I was gonna do it and I actually formulated it in my head. Now, we're asking about books, but now you're talking. That's what I was gonna, you're asking. And now I fucking fucked it.

• 2:53:08Speaker 04

  Do it again, do it again, do it again.

• 2:53:10Speaker 05

  Here's what you don't know as well, Maren. Before you came in, I messed up the intro loads. Like, I was, I'd messed up my words in the intro. So clearly something's happening in my brain today.

• 2:53:20Speaker 04

  No, I love you. I'm like that, you know? And look at how you berate yourself. No, no, no, you have to be nicer to yourself.

• 2:53:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:53:27Speaker 04

  We're all doing our best and you are brilliant. Your head moves so fast. You are so clever and so witty.

• 2:53:33Speaker 05

  Yes.

• 2:53:33Speaker 04

  And this is what happens sometimes, that like, when you're like that, just...

• 2:53:38Speaker 00

  The words are all coming too fast.

• 2:53:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:53:40Speaker 00

  And it's like a bottleneck, trying to get them through your brain and out to your mouth.

• 2:53:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:53:44Speaker 00

  And they just get mixed up.

• 2:53:45Speaker 03

  It's like people trying to leave a stadium with James, the words.

• 2:53:48Speaker 00

  Yes, that's exactly what it's like. It is exactly what it's like. Although, if you are me and you travel with the Irish team, or you know, when you go to see the Irish team like in Fernley's, they lock us in till the local teams have have have left, yes. Which is so mean, because Irish football fans are delicious, you know. There was one place, where was it? Slovakia, which is on my list of like no-fly zones forever and ever again. They locked us in for hours afterwards and then they left us leave. They let us leave and there was like men with machine guns watching us. We're like, excuse me, do you know who we are? We're Irish fans.

• 2:54:25Speaker 03

  They're treating you like you're English.

• 2:54:27Speaker 00

  I'm afraid so. I think they got they got us mixed up. So anyway, how did we get on to this? The bottleneck. Yes, the football.

• 2:54:34Speaker 05

  Yes, the bottleneck. And then before that, we got that because of the Now You're Asking.

• 2:54:40Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:54:40Speaker 05

  Podcast.

• 2:54:41Speaker 03

  Very good.

• 2:54:41Speaker 00

  Yes, yes, yes.

• 2:54:42Speaker 05

  Now You're Asking is a podcast that you're doing with Tara Flynn.

• 2:54:46Speaker 00

  Yes, do you know Tara? She's a comedian.

• 2:54:48Speaker 05

  We've never met Tara.

• 2:54:49Speaker 03

  No, never met Tara. Of course, I'm aware of Tara, absolutely. I've heard the name many, many times. But tell us a bit about Now Now You're Asking.

• 2:54:57Speaker 00

  Okay, it's sort of, um, it's a problem show. So people write in with various kind of dilemmas, like, so to be like, I have just met a new fella and I am less young than I used to be. And what's the story with pubic hair? Like, for example, would be one of the questions.

• 2:55:12Speaker 03

  That's a lot, that's a lot in one question, isn't it? It's a lot of backstory in the question.

• 2:55:17Speaker 00

  I know, I think it kind of gets straight to the heart of the the issue. Yeah. But then others would be like, how many minutes should a tea bag be left in a cup before you have the perfect cup of tea? This kind of business.

• 2:55:30Speaker 03

  And what's the story with pubic hair? Do they all end with?

• 2:55:33Speaker 00

  And yeah, and also, yeah, P S.

• 2:55:38Speaker 00

  Yeah, because that's what they really wanted to know, but they had to disguise it because they weren't as as brave as the first person.

• 2:55:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:55:43Speaker 00

  Yeah. Um, yeah, things like that. So and like, it's a mix of kind of fun stuff and really dark stuff. I mean, This poor woman wrote to us, I mean, she had been groomed by, I don't know what they're called in the Church of England, would be a vicar or a reverend or, I don't know. Anyway, when she was a child and a teenager, she was groomed by their local, whatever he was, vicar man. And as soon as she was sixteen, like, he waited until she was sixteen. And it's just, it's horrific. And she had never told anybody, because her parents, her family were very into the church. And to be trusted

• 2:56:21Speaker 00

  with her story, I mean, it was a huge privilege. So we're very, very careful and very aware of how vulnerable people are who write in. So it is a mix of the dark and the light. And Tara's very funny, she's also very, very kind. And we recorded in my front room. So it's, it's very intimate and chatty. And maybe you know the producer, he's Steve Doherty. And like, he put me and Tara together. And the whole thing, you know, sometimes something beautiful just lands in your lap, like, it's, it's, that's that. So we've done four series now, and we're hoping that we'll be asked to do a fifth one.

• 2:57:01Speaker 03

  Well, what would you, if you had a question, Ed, that they needed answer, because we can do one now. If you had something that, like, something that you need in your life. What is the story with pubic hair? Oh, Ed, not even doing the con, not even giving the context like the first person did. No, I'm cutting to the heart of the issue.

• 2:57:21Speaker 00

  Come on, like, two sentences before.

• 2:57:23Speaker 03

  I don't think I have anything to ask. Well, Ed's actual thing with pubic hair is that he does trim his pubes, but he lets them grow out to a point where he just says he looks like a woolly mammoth before he cuts them again. Is there a way that Ed can motivate himself to keep on top of it more? That's a good question.

• 2:57:40Speaker 00

  Yes, that's a very good question.

• 2:57:42Speaker 03

  Don't ask me how I know that. I treat it like a sheep.

• 2:57:45Speaker 00

  Yeah, all right then. So it's kind of seasonal.

• 2:57:47Speaker 03

  Seasonal, yeah.

• 2:57:48Speaker 00

  Yeah. Well, I mean, you can't be shaving the sheep the whole time. You know, I mean, there's nothing there. Yeah. You know, I would, I'd do a job, yeah. I do a job lot, yeah.

• 2:58:00Speaker 03

  Yeah, that's exactly what I do.

• 2:58:01Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 2:58:02Speaker 03

  But James is stressing this is an issue. Well, you give your.

• 2:58:05Speaker 05

  Expressed it as an issue in the past.

• 2:58:07Speaker 03

  Well, I don't, I don't, I don't know whether, you know, it's difficult to know what's normal with that sort of thing, is it? Because people aren't as open as, as us three.

• 2:58:13Speaker 00

  You could ask somebody, not me.

• 2:58:15Speaker 03

  Not you.

• 2:58:16Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:58:17Speaker 03

  That's a, that's a great response to a question.

• 2:58:19Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 2:58:20Speaker 03

  You should ask somebody.

• 2:58:21Speaker 00

  Not me.

• 2:58:22Speaker 03

  We're moving on.

• 2:58:22Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 2:58:24Speaker 03

  Yeah. We have lots of questions for you, Marin, of course, but they're all food based questions.

• 2:58:28Speaker 00

  Oh, yeah.

• 2:58:28Speaker 03

  It's rare we get to the pubes before the food.

• 2:58:30Speaker 05

  So hopefully when we ask you, would you like still a sparkling water? You don't say you should ask someone that, not me.

• 2:58:35Speaker 00

  Not me.

• 2:58:36Speaker 05

  Not me.

• 2:58:36Speaker 03

  Also, the, we're now in the dream restaurant and the last question you want to hear in the dream restaurant is what's the story with this pubic hair?

• 2:58:42Speaker 00

  Yeah, that, yeah, no, that is true.

• 2:58:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:58:45Speaker 00

  Yes, I don't want any pubic hair with my, my stiller sparkling water, if that's okay.

• 2:58:49Speaker 03

  That's, of course, that's fine.

• 2:58:50Speaker 00

  I mean, I know it's an added extra.

• 2:58:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:58:52Speaker 00

  Um, but yeah, thank you, thank you. Just let's keep it simple.

• 2:58:55Speaker 05

  Someone came to my house the other day, a much older person, and they left a pub on, on the, on the toilet seat.

• 2:59:02Speaker 00

  Okay.

• 2:59:03Speaker 05

  And it was the biggest pub I'd ever seen.

• 2:59:05Speaker 00

  Lord God.

• 2:59:06Speaker 05

  I thought, do your pubes get bigger when you get older?

• 2:59:10Speaker 00

  Ask somebody, not me.

• 2:59:12Speaker 05

  Really, really long.

• 2:59:13Speaker 03

  He's long.

• 2:59:14Speaker 05

  But undeniably a pub.

• 2:59:15Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:59:15Speaker 00

  I was, are you sure?

• 2:59:17Speaker 05

  Yeah, a hundred percent.

• 2:59:18Speaker 03

  Much older person.

• 2:59:19Speaker 05

  Much older person.

• 2:59:20Speaker 00

  How old?

• 2:59:21Speaker 05

  Like seventies.

• 2:59:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 2:59:24Speaker 05

  Longest pubes I've ever seen.

• 2:59:29Speaker 05

  Do you have a favourite fizzy pop? And I'm setting you up here to like be destroyed by your countryman if you say the wrong answer. Yeah, well, I, I don't mind a bit of Iron Brew, which I think is where you're going. Yeah. But I do like a bit of Dr Pepper. Yeah. I think I would probably, if I had to land on one, I'd land on Dr Pepper. And that is also like a soft drink that people can't really pin down what it is, what flavour it is. No. Is it the same camp? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're, yeah, they're, they're similar.

• 2:59:56Speaker 03

  I, I love a Dr Pepper because no one's really having a daily Dr Pepper, are they? It's something you remember exists when you're in a shop and you're like, I've not had a Dr Pepper for ages.

• 3:00:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, I suppose.

• 3:00:05Speaker 03

  And then it's a treat.

• 3:00:06Speaker 05

  Some people really loathe it. You get quite violent reactions. Some people react to Dr Pepper in the way I react to dandelion and burdock.

• 3:00:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, sure.

• 3:00:16Speaker 05

  Or parma violets, things that should not be put in a human's mouth.

• 3:00:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, I hate parma violets so much.

• 3:00:21Speaker 05

  Disgusting. My kids love them.

• 3:00:23Speaker 03

  Really?

• 3:00:23Speaker 05

  What is that about? Where have they got that from?

• 3:00:25Speaker 03

  Your kid's ninety?

• 3:00:26Speaker 05

  Yeah. No, it's like, it's like they've rediscovered them, for a new generation.

• 3:00:31Speaker 03

  Is it big on TikTok? A parma violet's big on TikTok, maybe?

• 3:00:33Speaker 05

  Quite possibly, yeah.

• 3:00:34Speaker 03

  It could be someone popping parma violets on TikTok.

• 3:00:37Speaker 05

  Absolutely disgusting.

• 3:00:39Speaker 03

  Horrible.

• 3:00:40Speaker 05

  Like little slivers of soap.

• 3:00:42Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. I remember getting some, the first time I had them were free with the beano. Oh, yeah, they always give them away with the beano.

• 3:00:50Speaker 05

  Free with the beano?

• 3:00:51Speaker 03

  Yeah, the beano would have like sweet.

• 3:00:52Speaker 05

  Sell it to the front.

• 3:00:53Speaker 03

  Yeah, so like, you know, but I was lulled in because like, you know, I was having stuff like refreshers on the front of the beano. Wambars. Yeah, wambars is brilliant. Parma violets, oh, what's this one? This one looks delicious.

• 3:01:07Speaker 05

  The ones with the little fizzy bits inside.

• 3:01:09Speaker 03

  Yeah. Lost a tooth in a wamba.

• 3:01:11Speaker 05

  Yeah, great. Did you really?

• 3:01:12Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, I swallowed it because I thought it was one of those bits.

• 3:01:15Speaker 05

  Swallowed the tooth?

• 3:01:15Speaker 03

  Yeah, swallowed the tooth. Didn't realise until later.

• 3:01:17Speaker 05

  And did you have to make sure the tooth came out the other side? Or did you just?

• 3:01:20Speaker 03

  No, I didn't actually. It didn't even occur to me at that age. And luckily, I didn't have parents who told me to, if you want that from the tooth fairy, you're going to have to sift through your own faeces.

• 3:01:30Speaker 05

  So you just missed the tooth fairy?

• 3:01:31Speaker 03

  Um, I think. Well, he looks in the toilet one day and there's a quid in there. Yeah, yeah. The tooth fairy doesn't mind getting dirty, you know?

• 3:01:39Speaker 03

  Little shitty handprints all over the toilet seat.

• 3:01:43Speaker 05

  You can get a quid, but you do have to consider your own shit.

• 3:01:45Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:01:45Speaker 05

  I think I'd probably get the quid later.

• 3:01:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, I think so. Yeah, I think you're at least washing it, aren't you? You're not popping it straight under the pillow.

• 3:01:55Speaker 05

  Oh, I hope not.

• 3:01:57Speaker 03

  Buy ten wambars with that and then you lose another ten teeth. I mean, this is, this is a money-making scheme. I don't mind sifting through my shit. By the end of it, I'm a millionaire, I think.

• 3:02:07Speaker 05

  Slow cooked lamb.

• 3:02:09Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 3:02:09Speaker 05

  There you go. I want it to be slow cooked. Yeah. If it takes days.

• 3:02:14Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:02:15Speaker 05

  I guess you want it just at the point where. There's a level of heat you could apply to lamb where it just would never cook.

• 3:02:21Speaker 03

  Yes, zero degrees.

• 3:02:22Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:02:23Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:02:24Speaker 05

  But even two degrees.

• 3:02:25Speaker 03

  It probably wouldn't ever cook, surely.

• 3:02:27Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. Like, um, if it was just at room temperature.

• 3:02:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:02:31Speaker 05

  Just leave it out and five days later, that's lovely.

• 3:02:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:02:35Speaker 05

  So, but the longest you could.

• 3:02:37Speaker 03

  That would be good, wouldn't it? If things cooked at room temperature. Yeah, so surely there's something that cooks at room temperature, you know? Fruit? Yeah, that's what's happening to it.

• 3:02:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:02:49Speaker 03

  Maybe a torch, maybe if you put your iPhone torch on it for a couple of days, that's the slowest cooking you can possibly give it.

• 3:02:55Speaker 05

  Yeah, that's gonna give you a carpal tunnel or something.

• 3:02:59Speaker 05

  Holding your torch over a lamb.

• 3:03:04Speaker 05

  Or whatever mystery, I'd probably have a mystery box of meat, so I don't know what meat.

• 3:03:09Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, surprise. It's another little surprise dish, lamb surprise. Yeah, lamb surprise.

• 3:03:12Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:03:13Speaker 03

  My clam.

• 3:03:13Speaker 05

  I, I had the slow cooked lamb in New Zealand at Mudbrake Vineyard and I got, um, told off, but in a, I'd say a light hearted way. For, I was quite drunk, complimenting the lamb too loudly. And I think that's a sign of a good meal.

• 3:03:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, you're taking some tips from Lloyd Langford, you were shouting everything. Yeah.

• 3:03:31Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:03:32Speaker 03

  What was your compliment?

• 3:03:33Speaker 05

  Who cooked this? Um, how long has this been cooked for?

• 3:03:37Speaker 03

  Cause they, but the way you've said it there and at that volume, they sound like you're really unhappy with the lamb. Complaint, yeah.

• 3:03:43Speaker 05

  I think they knew I liked it. My tone was like, who cooked this? It was more like, wow.

• 3:03:49Speaker 03

  Oh, it's the same as, same tone you use when you shout beans on toast. Yeah.

• 3:03:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:03:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:03:53Speaker 05

  Beans on toast, who cooked this? I give a lot of good vibes.

• 3:03:59Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 3:03:59Speaker 05

  To chefs.

• 3:04:00Speaker 03

  But that's lovely. Why were you told off then? By the staff or by someone on a nearby table?

• 3:04:04Speaker 05

  By the staff. Um, I think people around were disconcerted.

• 3:04:09Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:04:10Speaker 05

  And maybe they were running low on lamb.

• 3:04:11Speaker 03

  Yeah, maybe they hadn't ordered yet and don't.

• 3:04:14Speaker 05

  For sale.

• 3:04:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:04:15Speaker 05

  But it went, oh my god, it was nice.

• 3:04:17Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:04:17Speaker 05

  Falling apart.

• 3:04:19Speaker 03

  How long do you think it had been cooked for?

• 3:04:21Speaker 05

  Minimum, I think we're talking double digits.

• 3:04:24Speaker 03

  Do you?

• 3:04:24Speaker 05

  I think it was something like 12 hours, something mad. But I can't promise that, do you? Yeah, it was a long, it was a long time. If you'd ordered. And they were like, oh, we haven't put it on yet. You'd be pissed off.

• 3:04:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:04:40Speaker 05

  By the time you got it.

• 3:04:40Speaker 03

  Well, you'd be like, I'll see you tomorrow.

• 3:04:42Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:04:42Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:04:43Speaker 05

  Yeah, just come back tomorrow.

• 3:04:44Speaker 03

  Yeah. Do you know what cut of lamb it was?

• 3:04:46Speaker 05

  I think it will have been some like leg based. It wasn't. I mean, by the time this thing had been cooked, it wasn't sliceable.

• 3:04:53Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:04:53Speaker 05

  By any means.

• 3:04:54Speaker 03

  It wasn't a shank, though.

• 3:04:55Speaker 05

  It could have been. It could have been a shank.

• 3:04:57Speaker 03

  But it didn't come with a big bone sticking out the top of it.

• 3:04:58Speaker 05

  No, there wasn't a bone in it. As far as I'm, I drank a lot of wine at this point.

• 3:05:04Speaker 03

  Were you out with another comedian at this point? Was it another comic?

• 3:05:07Speaker 05

  There were, the only time I get to go on like a big holiday is when someone's paying for me to do that professionally.

• 3:05:13Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:05:14Speaker 05

  There was a lot of comedians there. Finn Taylor, Andrew Maxwell, Alexis Dubus. Never confident with how to pronounce his surname.

• 3:05:22Speaker 03

  Oh, evidently.

• 3:05:24Speaker 05

  Um, maybe Lloyd was there.

• 3:05:26Speaker 03

  Maybe Lloyd was there.

• 3:05:27Speaker 05

  Lloyd again there as well. Um, but yeah, I, I like.

• 3:05:31Speaker 03

  These are some, you know, you've got Finn there, you've got Maxwell there. These are some outspoken guys and you're getting told off.

• 3:05:36Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:05:36Speaker 03

  Like, you, you must have been really speaking your mind, throwing some opinions around. If you're the one who's getting reprimanded.

• 3:05:44Speaker 05

  Yeah, I mean, Maxwell, Andrew Maxwell will tell you the history of whatever country you're in, in quite a lot of detail. I will compliment the food.

• 3:05:51Speaker 03

  You'll shout, who cooked this?

• 3:05:53Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:05:56Speaker 03

  What did the lamb come with? And this doesn't have to be your dream side. I'm just interested in this specific lamb.

• 3:06:01Speaker 05

  Sure. So I want elements of this, but not everything. It came with a mad portion of a sort of hummusy dip.

• 3:06:10Speaker 03

  Right.

• 3:06:10Speaker 05

  And then long carrots. This is the main thing I remember about these carrots is the sheer length of it.

• 3:06:16Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 3:06:17Speaker 05

  And then you had to get your potato dish as a side.

• 3:06:20Speaker 03

  Screaming, who, who grew these? Yeah. Who the hell grew these? Mr McGregor?

• 3:06:24Speaker 05

  How, how long, how long have these been grown? I'd say stuff like that.

• 3:06:28Speaker 03

  Long and thin?

• 3:06:29Speaker 05

  Long and thin.

• 3:06:30Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:06:31Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 3:06:31Speaker 03

  What colour?

• 3:06:32Speaker 05

  Orange.

• 3:06:33Speaker 03

  Classic. The classic.

• 3:06:35Speaker 05

  But not the best carrot I've had was barely orange in a restaurant in Reykjavik called Skal. Got the carrots as a side. Fucking hell, I've never had carrots this good in all my life.

• 3:06:44Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:06:45Speaker 05

  They were black to the eye.

• 3:06:46Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 3:06:47Speaker 05

  They'd really been sort of roasted. I tried to look up before doing this, what they came with. The menus changed. I've found a picture of them on Instagram. It doesn't say anything. It doesn't say anything. It's just a picture of some carrots.

• 3:06:59Speaker 03

  It says carrots.

• 3:07:00Speaker 05

  Doesn't even say carrots. No description, but they, I love a sort of roasted carrot in some kind of sauce. I don't know.

• 3:07:08Speaker 03

  And the one in Vecvik was like, were they long and thin as well?

• 3:07:11Speaker 05

  No, no. And I preferred them dumpy is what I would.

• 3:07:15Speaker 03

  Black and dumpy. Yeah.

• 3:07:17Speaker 05

  That's what I would describe them.

• 3:07:18Speaker 03

  You want those with the lamb?

• 3:07:21Speaker 05

  Yes. Get rid of the long fin ones. They were al dente, these ones. The Vecvik ones, barely keeping themselves together.

• 3:07:29Speaker 03

  Yeah. So they'd been like properly slow roasted as well, you think? Yeah.

• 3:07:32Speaker 05

  Everything about this, I want to be slow.

• 3:07:34Speaker 03

  Yeah. I completely agree with you with slow roasted lamb. It's, it's up there meat wise, I think.

• 3:07:39Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:07:39Speaker 03

  Incredible.

• 3:07:40Speaker 05

  I want some, uh, dolphin wire. That's pretty slow.

• 3:07:44Speaker 03

  Yeah, you can do that slow. No, it's not quick, is it? Well, it takes a while to make, I suppose. Do you slow roast lamb at home?

• 3:07:50Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'll have it anywhere.

• 3:07:51Speaker 03

  No, but is that something you'll do? Have you ever done that?

• 3:07:55Speaker 05

  Um, yeah, absolutely.

• 3:07:59Speaker 05

  Making the location. I'll have it anywhere.

• 3:08:03Speaker 03

  What do you think the question was there? Would you eat it at your house?

• 3:08:06Speaker 05

  Would you have it at home? Um, as in like.

• 3:08:09Speaker 03

  Is there anywhere?

• 3:08:11Speaker 03

  Let's just follow this. Is there anywhere that you wouldn't eat slow, slow roast lamb?

• 3:08:16Speaker 05

  I don't think, I like funerals. You don't have that at the work, but you.

• 3:08:21Speaker 03

  At the work, yeah, you wouldn't have it during, right?

• 3:08:22Speaker 05

  Yeah. You're not sorry for someone's loss if you're chewing.

• 3:08:25Speaker 03

  Well, if you're screaming, you'll cook this at the top of your voice. Sure. Yeah.

• 3:08:28Speaker 05

  Oh, at the cremation.

• 3:08:32Speaker 05

  How long, how long has it been cooked for? Woo. Falling off the bone. Woo.

• 3:08:42Speaker 05

  Yeah, funeral.

• 3:08:43Speaker 03

  Yeah. Train toilet. That was my first thought of where I wouldn't eat slow roast lamb.

• 3:08:47Speaker 05

  Sure. But I would, if it's, I'd have it on the, the baby.

• 3:08:50Speaker 03

  Changing.

• 3:08:54Speaker 03

  Yeah. Toilets, your seat, that's your table. Yeah. Would you put a tablecloth down or anything or? Yeah, ideally. Yeah. Or I guess if you're, if you're a parent, an unused. Clean nappy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, even though it's unused, I'd find it hard. It would be weird, especially if there's no plate, especially if you're eating slow cooked lamb directly out of an unused nappy on a baby changing table. I'd say that would throw me. Yeah. Yeah, it's not where I'd want it. Barely staying together. It's weird though, because you'd, you'd think someone eating off a nappy. Yeah. In a, in a baby changing room would be like, they're having a breakdown, having a tough time. But you wouldn't associate slow cooked lamb leg. No. With a, a mental collapse. No. I think it's the nappy that's doing the heavy lifting there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 3:09:39Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, I think that changes the whole thing. Also, it depends what brand of nappy, right? Cause if you, if there's some nice jus and gravy in there, a Pampers is absorbing all of that. So you don't get to eat that. Yeah, you want a cheap nappy if you're eating a roast.

• 3:09:53Speaker 03

  You pour your gravy on and then you go, immediately go, where's the gravy?

• 3:10:01Speaker 03

  That's outrageous. You're doing the thing at the end of the adverts where you'd squeeze, you're squeezing. Yeah. It's all gravy. Trying to get the gravy out. But then you're squeezing that back out onto another nappy that you've put under there. I think directly into the mouth at this point. Oh, yeah. Cut your losses. Yeah. Yeah, don't bring another nappy into the situation.

• 3:10:18Speaker 03

  Let's not worry about your dignity at this point. You're, you're already squeezing gravy out of a nappy. You may as well go straight to your mouth. Yeah. For American listeners, diapers. Diapers. Yes.

• 3:10:29Speaker 03

  Yes, your main course.

• 3:10:30Speaker 00

  Okay. Okay. We're going to do something from my grandmother's recipe book and it is something called chicken divan. I don't know if you've ever heard of it.

• 3:10:39Speaker 03

  No.

• 3:10:39Speaker 00

  If you look it up, it is, it is something that, it's kind of, I don't know if it's southern. I'm assuming it is almost like a take on like a curry, but like a southern curry. So it. When I describe it, you're gonna think it sounds so gross, but it is made with cream of mushroom.

• 3:11:01Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 3:11:01Speaker 00

  Soup.

• 3:11:02Speaker 03

  Oh, the soup.

• 3:11:03Speaker 00

  Yeah, but like cream of mushroom in the can, um, mayonnaise.

• 3:11:07Speaker 03

  Oh, my.

• 3:11:08Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:11:11Speaker 03

  I'm pretty sure we can say this is.

• 3:11:12Speaker 00

  This has never been said on this show, Chicken Die Fan.

• 3:11:15Speaker 03

  No, no, no.

• 3:11:16Speaker 00

  Never.

• 3:11:17Speaker 03

  No, no, no.

• 3:11:17Speaker 00

  Uh, and curry powder.

• 3:11:19Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 3:11:19Speaker 00

  Like bought in the store. It's like, you know, generic curry powder. Yeah, like, yeah, low curry powder, I guess. I'm trying to think exact, cause I've actually never made it, but it is in that book, but it's, it's a, um, it's a casserole.

• 3:11:33Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:11:33Speaker 00

  So you boil chicken.

• 3:11:35Speaker 03

  You boil the chicken.

• 3:11:35Speaker 00

  Yes.

• 3:11:36Speaker 03

  This gets better and better with every, every sentence, so.

• 3:11:39Speaker 00

  It is one of my favorite. It's like so comfort for me. I mean, cause it just also, it just makes me think of home, cause she would make it so much growing up and she's still like, oh my god, make Chicken Die Fan. So then like the curry, the mayonnaise, the cream of mushroom, like all that's like mixed together. That's put in a casserole dish with broccoli.

• 3:11:58Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 3:12:00Speaker 03

  Cause can't guess the next.

• 3:12:01Speaker 00

  But yeah.

• 3:12:02Speaker 03

  One ingredient to the next, can't predict it.

• 3:12:04Speaker 00

  We're gonna top it off. So then the, the broccoli's in there. It's like layering. Then we're gonna top it off with.

• 3:12:09Speaker 03

  Can we guess?

• 3:12:10Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 3:12:11Speaker 03

  Both have a guess?

• 3:12:11Speaker 00

  Yeah, have a guess.

• 3:12:12Speaker 03

  Well, I mean, we've already got mayonnaise and cream of mushroom soup, but are we putting cheese on top of it? Yeah, we are. Oh, I, I, I wasn't gonna go so obvious.

• 3:12:20Speaker 00

  What were you gonna say?

• 3:12:21Speaker 03

  I was just gonna say marshmallows.

• 3:12:23Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly.

• 3:12:24Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. At this point, who knows?

• 3:12:26Speaker 00

  That could have been, that could have been.

• 3:12:28Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:12:28Speaker 00

  As well.

• 3:12:29Speaker 03

  Jello.

• 3:12:29Speaker 00

  Um, yeah, that could have been too. No, you like yellow cheddar cheese.

• 3:12:33Speaker 03

  Yes, yeah, yeah.

• 3:12:34Speaker 00

  Yeah. So then that goes on it, then you bake it in the oven.

• 3:12:37Speaker 03

  Mm hmm.

• 3:12:38Speaker 00

  And that cheese gets like really crispy. Like I like, it has to have a crisp layer on it.

• 3:12:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:12:44Speaker 00

  And then the curry, it's like a, it, it doesn't taste like mayonnaise. It just has that like consistency.

• 3:12:49Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:12:50Speaker 00

  But I also, I love. Mayonnaise and condiments and stuff like some people are like revolted by it, but like I I more condiments, the better like on anything for me. But I mean, this is a casserole, but yeah, and you and you have it with like white fluffy rice.

• 3:13:05Speaker 03

  I mean.

• 3:13:06Speaker 00

  I'm not selling it. I'm not selling this, but it also it's like, if you look up chicken dive in, there's a lot of recipes for it. People eat it. I eat it.

• 3:13:15Speaker 03

  As you were describing it, it sounded like the sort of thing you'd see on diners, drive-ins and dives.

• 3:13:20Speaker 00

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:13:21Speaker 03

  Don't you think like Guy Fieri would be going in there.

• 3:13:24Speaker 00

  It doesn't look bad when you see it. It's actually it's colorful.

• 3:13:27Speaker 03

  I can imagine it.

• 3:13:28Speaker 00

  It's colorful because you got the orange, you got the bright green of the, you know, of the broccoli. And then the the chicken is like a nice yellow, so it it's not like sloppy looking. It like looks nice.

• 3:13:40Speaker 03

  I think the bit that upset me the most.

• 3:13:42Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:13:43Speaker 03

  Was boil the chicken. That, oh. Boil the chicken really upset me.

• 3:13:47Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:13:48Speaker 03

  I think once the I can, because I can imagine the soup, that's a quick way of doing something, you know, you just put the soup in. The may, I was even on board with the mayonnaise.

• 3:13:55Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:13:55Speaker 03

  But boiling the chicken.

• 3:13:56Speaker 00

  I know, because it's not, you don't, it, you're not trying to get a brown on the chicken or anything.

• 3:14:01Speaker 03

  You don't want that extra flavor.

• 3:14:02Speaker 00

  No.

• 3:14:03Speaker 03

  No.

• 3:14:03Speaker 00

  You don't.

• 3:14:04Speaker 03

  Because a lot of that's coming from the soup.

• 3:14:05Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:14:06Speaker 03

  Yeah. And it's the whole chicken?

• 3:14:08Speaker 00

  Um, it's like chicken breasts. So you would just buy the chicken breast.

• 3:14:13Speaker 03

  They got two of those, okay.

• 3:14:14Speaker 00

  Yeah, two, yeah. Made with only chicken hearts.

• 3:14:19Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

• 3:14:20Speaker 00

  No, it's chicken breasts. Yeah. And you kind of, um, does she shred it up? I don't know. Well, it's not really shredded. It's kind of put in there. I know. I need to revisit. I haven't had it in a little bit, but then my sister the other day, because I'm here in London, uh, in London. She was in LA and she said that Gaba, that's what I call my grandmother, Gaba. She's like, she made chicken dive in the other night. I'm like, oh. I wish I was there. I missed it. Yeah. So it had me thinking, I'm like, I'll put it in my dream restaurant.

• 3:14:46Speaker 03

  When people have like. So here's something, I respect.

• 3:14:51Speaker 03

  We've talked about this. I said, here's something. You can't flag what what you're gonna say with here's something, because now we're all expecting something. Yeah, yeah.

• 3:14:58Speaker 00

  But it is, you're gonna say something, right?

• 3:15:00Speaker 03

  He'll say something, but he said that here's something as if this is gonna be good stuff.

• 3:15:03Speaker 00

  Good, right.

• 3:15:04Speaker 03

  I I I tend to use it when it's not good stuff. To try and like.

• 3:15:08Speaker 00

  Got it.

• 3:15:09Speaker 03

  But L doesn't know that.

• 3:15:10Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:15:10Speaker 03

  Try and get it. So I was like, oh, so here's something.

• 3:15:12Speaker 00

  Used to it now.

• 3:15:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, it's like, you know, it's really nothing. Guess it'll take a while to get used to, James. But eventually they do. Not really by the end of the podcast, though. They're usually on the way home, they get, they go, oh, I could probably do that podcast now. Put up with that guy.

• 3:15:26Speaker 00

  Like, can we do it again?

• 3:15:27Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, um, I always respect when people use, uh, their, you know, they have a specific name for a grandparent.

• 3:15:35Speaker 00

  Mm hmm.

• 3:15:35Speaker 03

  That is like, no one else would know that name.

• 3:15:38Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:15:38Speaker 03

  Based on someone not being able to say it when they were a kid or whatever.

• 3:15:41Speaker 00

  That's what it is.

• 3:15:42Speaker 03

  When they still just would say it to everyone else. Because when I was a kid, at my school, everyone called, uh, their grandpa grandmother Nan. Everyone would say my Nan.

• 3:15:52Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:15:52Speaker 03

  And I called mine Granny and felt like an idiot.

• 3:15:55Speaker 00

  Really?

• 3:15:56Speaker 03

  And I still feel like.

• 3:15:57Speaker 00

  Did you get bullied for that?

• 3:15:58Speaker 03

  No, because I just I just said Nan at school.

• 3:16:00Speaker 00

  Yeah, you did.

• 3:16:00Speaker 03

  I was trying to blend in. I'd go my Nan, and I remember, I have a distinct memory as a kid, of my mum picking me up and me talking to a kid in front of her about my granny, but saying, getting to the point where I'm like, oh my god, I've got to say Nan now, and what she sells me out.

• 3:16:16Speaker 00

  Right.

• 3:16:17Speaker 03

  What if she goes, what did you just say?

• 3:16:18Speaker 00

  Yeah, and then your mom is like, Nan.

• 3:16:21Speaker 03

  That's like, he called her granny.

• 3:16:23Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:16:23Speaker 03

  Like a little, like a little baby. That's what I felt like. So whenever anyone proper just goes with their own name, which is like so specific to their family, I'm like, respect, so self assured. I wish I was that brave.

• 3:16:36Speaker 00

  Thank you.

• 3:16:37Speaker 03

  That's a cool name, though. That's like an individual name for grandparents, yeah. I was just grandma, grandpa, nanny and grandad.

• 3:16:43Speaker 00

  Wow.

• 3:16:44Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

• 3:16:45Speaker 00

  Solid, that's solid.

• 3:16:46Speaker 03

  Did they decide it, or did you, because like? I don't remember a moment where I decided it. Yeah. And that's like family wide as well, those names. Oh, okay. Yeah. Because now, like, I have to remember, like, with my my nephews and stuff. Yeah. Different grandparent, and different grandparents' names change with, like, my my parents are not known as the same thing to both sets of nephews, and I've got a. Remember that and if I get muddled up, I get corrected big time.

• 3:17:11Speaker 00

  Oh, wow. This is like childhood trauma for you, this, keeping the grandparents straight.

• 3:17:15Speaker 03

  They can't just cut it off after the parents. Why, why, why do we have grandparents to confuse everything? Their first names. We should know our grandparents by their first names. Yeah, yeah. That'd be much easier. Because uncles and aunties.

• 3:17:27Speaker 00

  Yeah.

• 3:17:27Speaker 03

  They're closer in age and we just call them by their names, right? You wouldn't call your uncle uncle.

• 3:17:32Speaker 00

  No.

• 3:17:33Speaker 03

  But I'd call him uncle, like full name Uncle Billy. But you wouldn't call Uncle Billy Uncle Billy to his face, would you? Yeah. Hello, Uncle Billy. Used to, but I was a little kid. Oh, what a loser. What a loser. Oh, Uncle Billy.

• 3:17:48Speaker 03

  Well, that's the one I should have been self-conscious about. Yeah. Oh, my God. I'll say that to everyone. I'm going to go and see my Uncle Billy this year. It's not Uncle Billy in the rhyme, is it? No, it's not. It's my friend Billy. Yeah, it's my friend Billy. Yeah, and L doesn't need to know that.

• 3:18:03Speaker 00

  What's the rhyme?

• 3:18:04Speaker 03

  It was like a schoolyard. Al, I apologize for this in advance. I can't believe you've brought this up. We all learned and I don't know how these things spread because me and James went to school in completely different places in the UK. But we all know my friend Billy had a ten foot willy. Et cetera. Al, I'm sorry. Yeah. Al, I'm just so sorry. I won't go through. You didn't come here to hear that. I won't go through the whole rhyme, Al, but it ends up being cut off with a rake by the girl next door.

• 3:18:28Speaker 00

  My God.

• 3:18:29Speaker 03

  She thought it was a snake in her defence.

• 3:18:31Speaker 00

  There you go. In her defence, she thought it was a snake.

• 3:18:33Speaker 03

  I know it was a snake before, but yeah, it's, yeah.

• 3:18:37Speaker 00

  And that is your uncle.

• 3:18:39Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:18:41Speaker 03

  I believe it. Everyone thinks that's my uncle now. Yeah, and everyone expects him to be sad, but he's like, it's still two foot four, guys. Yeah, yeah. If anything, it's easier to manage.

• 3:18:50Speaker 00

  Yeah, exactly. She did him a favour.

• 3:18:52Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah. Oh, Al, I'm so sorry.

• 3:18:56Speaker 05

  I didn't grow up with any locks on the bathrooms or toilets in my house.

• 3:19:01Speaker 03

  Right, really?

• 3:19:02Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:19:02Speaker 03

  Why? Didn't none of them work or was it just they were removed and your parents were like?

• 3:19:06Speaker 05

  There weren't any locks.

• 3:19:07Speaker 03

  No locks at all? But with. So how did you?

• 3:19:09Speaker 05

  You just put your feet at the door, base of the door.

• 3:19:12Speaker 03

  Well, hang on. So you'd still have the door shut? You'd be putting your feet on the door?

• 3:19:16Speaker 05

  Of course I'd have the door.

• 3:19:17Speaker 03

  Yeah, the door shut, but like. I thought you were saying you grew up in like a very free household where.

• 3:19:23Speaker 05

  I'm just saying there's no locks in case you just.

• 3:19:25Speaker 03

  But why were you having?

• 3:19:26Speaker 05

  I don't think there are any locks in any door, but yeah, front, back.

• 3:19:30Speaker 03

  Front door, back door? Yeah. Locks? Yeah.

• 3:19:32Speaker 05

  No locks on other doors.

• 3:19:34Speaker 03

  Windows?

• 3:19:35Speaker 05

  Uh, yeah, windows are locked.

• 3:19:36Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you had windows. Anything external, but like, inside the house?

• 3:19:41Speaker 05

  No locks.

• 3:19:42Speaker 03

  But then why were you having to push your foot? I mean, surely everyone in the house knows?

• 3:19:46Speaker 05

  Well, you don't know, you don't know if someone's in there, though.

• 3:19:48Speaker 03

  Yeah, so you knock? Yeah. I would get pretty accustomed to knocking and not just opening any closed door where someone could be having a shit. Knowing that I'm.

• 3:19:56Speaker 05

  But there's only one door where that's happening.

• 3:19:58Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 3:19:58Speaker 05

  It's not any closed door.

• 3:20:00Speaker 03

  So what, are you, in your bedroom, do you have your feet on the door, keeping it shut? Wait, wait, wait, wait. How small were the rooms in your house? Were they all built so you could, small enough to put your feet on the door?

• 3:20:11Speaker 05

  The toilet, yeah.

• 3:20:12Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:20:13Speaker 05

  You could put your feet on the door.

• 3:20:13Speaker 03

  Yeah, bath, like, main bathroom?

• 3:20:15Speaker 05

  No, you're kind of just staring at it open for the best.

• 3:20:20Speaker 03

  But you are staring at it, so if they do come in, you're looking right at them?

• 3:20:24Speaker 05

  Yeah, it was small enough where you'd know if someone had come in.

• 3:20:27Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:20:28Speaker 05

  Can't think of a room where you wouldn't know someone had walked in.

• 3:20:31Speaker 03

  Did you ever do sock on the door handle? Oh, yeah.

• 3:20:33Speaker 05

  Sock on the door handle?

• 3:20:34Speaker 03

  Let him put it out.

• 3:20:36Speaker 05

  Sock on the door handle, right. I'm just picturing, like a video game, me walking up the door with a sock on the door.

• 3:20:45Speaker 05

  Right, yeah, I think I know what's going on in there.

• 3:20:47Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 3:20:47Speaker 05

  Yeah, I'm not walking in, no.

• 3:20:49Speaker 03

  Yeah, if you see a sock on the door handle.

• 3:20:50Speaker 05

  Uh, is there only one person in there?

• 3:20:53Speaker 03

  Well, yeah, I guess so. Talking about your bathroom in your childhood home. I'm not saying, if you saw a sock on the door handle, you'd be like, oh, my parents are banging.

• 3:21:02Speaker 05

  Gee.

• 3:21:04Speaker 03

  Well, that's what it usually means.

• 3:21:07Speaker 03

  I think if people put a sock on the handle of the, you know, bedroom door, or whatever, it means they're getting down to it.

• 3:21:13Speaker 05

  Well, you're telling your parents that?

• 3:21:15Speaker 03

  Huh? What do you mean?

• 3:21:17Speaker 05

  Is that a symbol for your parents?

• 3:21:19Speaker 03

  I don't think people like, do it when they're living. At home. Yeah. So their parents not to commit. I mean, maybe some people have that.

• 3:21:26Speaker 05

  This isn't a thing.

• 3:21:27Speaker 03

  What?

• 3:21:27Speaker 05

  This isn't a thing. This is in movies. Neither of you have done it. I haven't done it. I don't know anyone is.

• 3:21:32Speaker 03

  No, I I understand.

• 3:21:34Speaker 05

  Also, I don't have many. There weren't many, uh, there weren't many doorknobs in the house.

• 3:21:39Speaker 03

  No doorknobs or locks. Yeah, what's going on?

• 3:21:42Speaker 05

  A door, a flat door. You don't, you don't put a doorknob on every door.

• 3:21:46Speaker 03

  I think you, I think you do.

• 3:21:49Speaker 05

  Well.

• 3:21:49Speaker 03

  In a house. Yeah, you, you, you're working in a. How are you even shutting the door? Is there no, no latch on it at all? It's just a bit of wood.

• 3:21:55Speaker 05

  No, it's not a bit of wood. I knew you were gonna say a bit of wood. Cause you're in, it's a bit of wood. You think, I bet you're even gonna.

• 3:22:03Speaker 05

  I know how it works. You two are gonna say it's like cat flaps. Or saloon doors. James would probably say saloon doors.

• 3:22:11Speaker 03

  No, I wasn't gonna say that. In your house with no locks, saloon doors for the bathroom would be perfect. Yeah.

• 3:22:15Speaker 05

  Uh, you'd see my feet and my head. That's fine. You don't know what's going on in the middle.

• 3:22:19Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:22:20Speaker 05

  Saloon doors, you don't know what's going on in the middle.

• 3:22:21Speaker 03

  Yeah, you can let them do that thing.

• 3:22:23Speaker 05

  Saloon doors in toilets is fine.

• 3:22:25Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah. You'd be fine with that?

• 3:22:27Speaker 05

  In, in, uh, in Japan, they don't have, uh, the idea was that they'd build the toilet with the most beautiful view from the house. And there were no doors.

• 3:22:37Speaker 03

  Well, it's your second time on the Off Menu podcast and the second time you've started a sentence with in Japan.

• 3:22:42Speaker 05

  What you mean? Oh, what? Uh, ghosts.

• 3:22:44Speaker 03

  You wouldn't know, you didn't listen back.

• 3:22:45Speaker 05

  Ghosts don't have feet in Japan.

• 3:22:47Speaker 03

  Is that what we talked about before? No, we talked about low, low lights.

• 3:22:52Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah. This is all for the same book, actually. I wonder about that.

• 3:22:56Speaker 03

  Ghosts don't have feet in Japan.

• 3:22:58Speaker 05

  Japanese cartoons.

• 3:23:00Speaker 03

  Right.

• 3:23:00Speaker 05

  Ghosts don't have feet. Traditionally, that's, uh, uh.

• 3:23:04Speaker 03

  What, um, what do you mean by that? Because I.

• 3:23:07Speaker 05

  If you draw a ghost, I doubt he has feet.

• 3:23:09Speaker 03

  Right, yeah, but that's not just Ja- Japanese ghosts. So that's why they have saloon doors and toilets. Is that what you're saying?

• 3:23:14Speaker 05

  There's no saloon doors in Japanese toilets.

• 3:23:19Speaker 03

  But is the ghost thing anything to do with the? No, that, that's because we, we challenged it on Japan.

• 3:23:23Speaker 05

  I know three things, uh, about Japanese culture.

• 3:23:26Speaker 03

  Yeah. Yeah.

• 3:23:27Speaker 05

  Low lights in restaurants, Japanese ghosts don't have feet. And traditionally toilets were built with no doors facing the most beautiful view that they could get in the house.

• 3:23:38Speaker 03

  Right.

• 3:23:43Speaker 04

  Welcome to 215 Maple Drive. We just put this property on the market.

• 3:23:48Speaker 01

  Love the crown molding.

• 3:23:50Speaker 04

  Oh, wait until you see the walk-in closets and the bathroom tile.

• 3:23:54Speaker 01

  Does it have Verizon FiOS? You know, 100% fiber internet.

• 3:23:58Speaker 04

  No FiOS, but it looks like it's got cable. Let's check out the kitchen.

• 3:24:01Speaker 01

  No FiOS? Yeah, no thank you.

• 3:24:04Speaker 04

  Don't you want to see the rest? Okay, bye bye.

• 3:24:07Speaker 02

  Get Verizon FiOS, because when you're moving, it's 100% or nothing.

• 3:24:16Speaker 03

  Really ironic, Kearns is talking about locks on toilet doors. Since the last time I saw him, he was farting over a hand dryer repeatedly. All evening and that lock of the toilet door didn't help him a jot. We're nearly at the end of our best ofs, but we can't forget that we released one of our greatest ever episodes of Off Menu, or any podcast, this year. Yeah, the time I beat up Stephen Graham. Here we go. Yeah, okay. Here we go. Roll the tip.

• 3:24:48Speaker 03

  Um, pop dums or bread, Stephen Graham? Would you like pop dums or bread? James normally shouts this, the whole thing is he shouts it at the guest. Well, there's not a need to shout it every time. And I think I can just say it to Stephen. What's happened to Stephen? He's seen the pictures of you boxing. Yeah, of course. And he's got scared because, I mean, you're almost certainly not aware of this. But James has called you out on the podcast before. Oh, oh. When? He's called you out for a ruck. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Whoa, hold on a second. When did that? Is this fact? I don't remember this. It's happened, it happened on Izuka's episode. Do you have backup with a recording of this? Yeah, yeah, oh, it's been out, you know. Can we play the recording? Can you find a recording while we're in conversation?

• 3:25:31Speaker 05

  We'll just put this on hold for a minute. Just for a minute, we'll just put this on hold for a minute.

• 3:25:36Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 3:25:36Speaker 05

  James, shut up lad, I'm talking. We'll just put this on hold for a minute. If you find what he said.

• 3:25:42Speaker 03

  Whoa.

• 3:25:43Speaker 05

  Damn, hang on. You've had your minute. We'll find what he said and then we'll come back to it. But for now, we'll carry on as normal.

• 3:25:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:25:51Speaker 05

  Aight, we're still mates.

• 3:25:52Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 3:25:52Speaker 05

  Just for now.

• 3:25:54Speaker 03

  I think Azuka might have said it.

• 3:25:55Speaker 05

  No.

• 3:25:56Speaker 03

  Maybe you've got it.

• 3:25:56Speaker 05

  No, you said it and Azuka laughed in your face.

• 3:25:59Speaker 03

  Hmm.

• 3:26:00Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 3:26:01Speaker 03

  I think he's got his wires crossed, Stephen, but we will carry on.

• 3:26:04Speaker 05

  Yeah, let's carry on as normal.

• 3:26:05Speaker 03

  We'll carry on as normal. I think you've got your wires crossed, Ed.

• 3:26:07Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 3:26:08Speaker 03

  You might have said that actually. I apologise if I've got my wires crossed, but I think we both know that we have.

• 3:26:12Speaker 05

  We'll find out, because we've got, you know, we've got factual.

• 3:26:15Speaker 03

  Oh.

• 3:26:16Speaker 05

  What?

• 3:26:17Speaker 03

  He's got his.

• 3:26:19Speaker 03

  Which one, which episode? It's probably happened on about five episodes.

• 3:26:24Speaker 05

  Can we, can we all air this?

• 3:26:26Speaker 03

  Let's see what they did.

• 3:26:27Speaker 04

  Meanwhile, Stephen Graham's just stood looking at you like he's gonna rip your head off.

• 3:26:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's, that's his resting face, right?

• 3:26:33Speaker 04

  Oh, he's, he's like a giant puppy as well, though.

• 3:26:36Speaker 03

  Yeah. Uh-oh.

• 3:26:37Speaker 04

  Oh, here we go, go on. No, no, no, I actually said, I set it up for you.

• 3:26:42Speaker 03

  I'm sure he is like a little puppy dog. He shouldn't run his mouth off on TV shows.

• 3:26:47Speaker 04

  Has he ever, like, made a statement to counter your challenge?

• 3:26:52Speaker 03

  No, because he's a busy man who doesn't need to be bothering himself with stupid little.

• 3:26:56Speaker 04

  That's what I thought.

• 3:26:57Speaker 03

  Jonathan Ross, he, he fired shots at Ramesh, that's, that's all of us, and I'm, I'm disappointed in you, Ed, for not, not calling him out. Oh, look, I, I'm not calling him out, but I'm very happy for you to call him out, because I want to see what happens. You know what's gonna happen. Yeah, you're gonna get your head ripped off.

• 3:27:11Speaker 04

  You're gonna get absolutely fucking pummeled.

• 3:27:12Speaker 03

  As if, as if, as if, man. That would never happen.

• 3:27:17Speaker 04

  Have you seen him recently?

• 3:27:19Speaker 03

  Has he seen, has he seen, has he seen me? Has he seen himself? How's that a comeback?

• 3:27:25Speaker 04

  Yeah, you went to himself and went, yeah.

• 3:27:27Speaker 03

  Even without him here, you panicked there. Has he seen himself, man? Has he seen himself?

• 3:27:31Speaker 04

  Has he seen himself?

• 3:27:32Speaker 03

  Has he seen himself?

• 3:27:34Speaker 05

  Think again.

• 3:27:36Speaker 05

  I don't wanna see what would happen. I tell you what, we wouldn't even need, uh, one take, man. Me beating him up. We do that in half a take. Yeah. Game over, end of film. Is it a film that you're getting beaten up in now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the hero. Hmm, I think that might have been Ed today. No, no, no, no. So what did I do to Ramesh?

• 3:27:56Speaker 05

  I don't know, I'm, I'm, I think. No, no, no, come on, you're saying it. What did I do to Ramesh? I think that, uh. It's out there now. Your arse went in, didn't it? What did I do to Ramesh? Answer the question. Well, I think maybe what that was a reference to was, I think you might have gone on Jonathan Ross with Ramesh. Yes, I did, yeah. And Ramesh may have said, it's just my memory. Go ahead, cause I'm with you now, I remember this fucking thing, go ahead. What happens? I think, I think Ramesh might have said that Liverpool audiences are, aren't good audiences, like playing in Liverpool. Yeah. And he said, cause they heckle and they, they don't listen and stuff. And I think you said, uh, this is my memory, I'm just trying to remember. I think you said, um.

• 3:28:40Speaker 05

  No, I said, I'll tell you exactly what I said. I said, maybe if you were fucking funny, you'd laugh.

• 3:28:47Speaker 05

  I rest my case, bollocks. It's over. Yeah, that's what I said. Yeah, well. That's all I said.

• 3:28:55Speaker 05

  Look, and I know some of you, some of yous have this attitude where it's like, I'm just doing me job. No, you're a comedian. I've paid fucking twenty five, thirty quid here. I brought me misses, that's seventy quid before I've even fucking sat down. And I wanna have a laugh. So make me laugh, that's your job, innit? Yeah. So fucking make me laugh. I, I agree. Thank you. And that's not just Scousers, that should be all over the bastard country. If I'm paying money to go and watch a comedian, what, I mean, you're like fucking George Russell. Do you know what I mean? You're going on and on and on about bollocks. I don't want you doing that. I want you to be what you should be. Ron Sale, do what it says on the fucking tin. Make me laugh, bastard. End of story.

• 3:29:42Speaker 05

  Can we carry on now with the show?

• 3:29:43Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:29:45Speaker 05

  You okay, James?

• 3:29:46Speaker 03

  I'm good. I agree with you.

• 3:29:47Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 3:29:48Speaker 03

  I think that's a fair.

• 3:29:49Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:29:49Speaker 03

  That's a good point well made.

• 3:29:50Speaker 05

  It's a fair comment, isn't it?

• 3:29:51Speaker 03

  It's a good point well made. I always have your back, Steve.

• 3:29:53Speaker 05

  Thank you.

• 3:29:53Speaker 03

  Yeah. You know, I think, in my defence, I think Benito edited that to sound.

• 3:30:00Speaker 05

  Okay.

• 3:30:01Speaker 03

  Weird. I think, I think you should just admit you made a mistake and we'll move on, James. Yeah, I always made a mistake.

• 3:30:07Speaker 05

  Yeah. Okay.

• 3:30:08Speaker 03

  Pop them some bread.

• 3:30:10Speaker 05

  I'll pop them some, please.

• 3:30:14Speaker 03

  And it'd be nice for your mum to taste the New York wonton soup as well.

• 3:30:18Speaker 05

  Of course.

• 3:30:18Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, as the fellow wonton soup fanatic.

• 3:30:21Speaker 05

  And she'd go, oh, well done lad, you found it.

• 3:30:25Speaker 05

  Yeah, so that's who's there, and we're in a nice round table with one of those, what's them, what them lovely?

• 3:30:31Speaker 03

  Lazy Susan.

• 3:30:31Speaker 05

  Lazy Susan. I love a lazy Susan.

• 3:30:34Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:30:35Speaker 05

  It's a great name.

• 3:30:35Speaker 03

  It's a great name, it's really good. It's fun to turn around.

• 3:30:38Speaker 05

  Who came up with a lazy Susan?

• 3:30:39Speaker 03

  It wasn't Susan.

• 3:30:40Speaker 05

  Definitely wasn't Susan. I'm not fucking lazy, you cheeky bastard.

• 3:30:44Speaker 03

  Just running late to the meal. Arrived.

• 3:30:46Speaker 05

  But it's like, who's, you know, it moves around in the middle and who's, hmm, I think we'll call that a lazy Susan.

• 3:30:54Speaker 05

  But anyway, one of those great tables, and let's, let's stick with the theme, let's, let's make it all, although none of the rest of the food is, but let's make it a lovely kind of Chinese restaurant.

• 3:31:03Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:31:03Speaker 05

  Nice.

• 3:31:04Speaker 03

  And what does make a great wonton soup? What is, what is the criteria that you're looking for every time you've had?

• 3:31:10Speaker 05

  Flavour. Pure flavour, but then not being stingy with the little, um, wontons.

• 3:31:16Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:31:17Speaker 05

  Make sure that they've got a nice big, you know, they're, they're solid.

• 3:31:19Speaker 03

  Yeah. You don't want to be looking, you don't want to be looking for them, right?

• 3:31:22Speaker 05

  No.

• 3:31:22Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah.

• 3:31:23Speaker 05

  Because then it's all, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? Yeah, nice packed wontons.

• 3:31:27Speaker 03

  Nice. You don't want it to leave you one ton more. How are we feeling about that? I'm feeling bad about it, as soon as I said it.

• 3:31:35Speaker 05

  Hmm.

• 3:31:37Speaker 03

  How do you think that'd go down in Liverpool?

• 3:31:38Speaker 05

  I do, that's why I'm sad.

• 3:31:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:31:43Speaker 03

  We're doing so well. It probably wouldn't go well in Liverpool, if I said that.

• 3:31:47Speaker 05

  I don't think that'd go well in any fucking country.

• 3:31:53Speaker 05

  So we bought these massive giant lobsters and he bought some potatoes and he filled the pot and he literally, you know, it's not, it's not the nicest thing when it comes to cooking lobsters.

• 3:32:04Speaker 03

  Yeah. But you do have to do that bit, otherwise it's even weirder, I think.

• 3:32:08Speaker 05

  Well, of course, yeah. Yeah.

• 3:32:11Speaker 03

  I don't want to be cruel, so I'm just gonna eat it like a big apple.

• 3:32:15Speaker 05

  Yeah, yeah, that wouldn't. In the big apple. Yeah. In the big apple. Yeah. So we. That gets something in Liverpool. If I did, eat it like a big apple in the big apple, surely that gets something. Do I look like I'm laughing? No, you don't, to be fair. So when you make me laugh, I will laugh. Yeah, that's fair. Head's done it a good few times, you know, and I am, haven't I? You've seen me laugh.

• 3:32:36Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love gigging Liverpool.

• 3:32:38Speaker 05

  Well, I am capable of laugh.

• 3:32:39Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 3:32:41Speaker 05

  We are all capable of laughter. If we are made to laugh.

• 3:32:46Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:32:47Speaker 05

  Yeah. Okay, so back to the story.

• 3:32:50Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:32:51Speaker 05

  Can I have some spinach?

• 3:32:52Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:32:53Speaker 05

  Okay, I'll have a little bit of spinach then as well. Yeah, garlic, fresh garlic, yeah, mixed in there with the spinach.

• 3:32:58Speaker 03

  I do love spinach more, more and more. I'm a big broccoli and spinach guy. Cause growing up, you're like, just get that down, you know, you're supposed to eat it if you want everything else. But now I look forward to the broccoli and spinach.

• 3:33:10Speaker 05

  That's nice.

• 3:33:11Speaker 03

  Yeah. It's a good vehicle for garlic and butter, essentially.

• 3:33:13Speaker 05

  Yeah.

• 3:33:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, yeah, yeah.

• 3:33:15Speaker 05

  Great vehicle. See, that's funny. He's funny. What with the vehicle? Yeah, I liked it. Are you sure? Yeah, but I just saw like. That was like a small vehicle. Oh, let me explain. I just thought it was funny, it's in a vehicle and I just saw some little broccoli sitting on some, you know, some garlic sitting on a broccoli, it's a vehicle, it's, you know.

• 3:33:32Speaker 03

  That's what I was doing.

• 3:33:33Speaker 05

  He played with the words, he was very clever. That's you doing the work. Clever. He didn't mean a little bit of garlic sitting on the broccoli. No, that's not me doing the work.

• 3:33:40Speaker 03

  Yeah.

• 3:33:41Speaker 05

  It's given from my head to go, oh, that's funny.

• 3:33:44Speaker 03

  Sometimes you just have to plant the seed when you're, when you're a funny comedian.

• 3:33:46Speaker 05

  What the? Funny's natural anyway, you just, you know, some people are naturally funny.

• 3:33:51Speaker 03

  No matter what I'm saying.

• 3:33:52Speaker 05

  Ed and Gene Wilder don't have to work, eh? You do. Ed and Gene Wilder? That's what I've said, yeah. What the? You.

• 3:33:59Speaker 03

  That you in that echelon now? Yeah. Listen, I I I'm your biggest fan, Ed. I I I pick you up all the time. That's true. But Wilder? Yeah. We're talking Gene Wilder. Yeah. And you're saying, yeah. Yeah. Wow. Wonka. I'm Wonka. Wonka. You're Wonka now? Yeah. Holy moly. Well, congratulations. Thank you. They know you're the new Gene Wilder. Sometimes it doesn't matter what you say. If you're funny, it just. Yeah. It just seeps out your pores, doesn't it, Stephen? Natural ability. Yeah. So you meant you meant to put in the image of a little bit of garlic riding on some broccoli like a vehicle? No, the broccoli's. The broccoli is the vehicle. The vehicle, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So the garlic's riding on the broccoli. Yes, he's been now you're explaining it. You've made it not funny, which is just. With the chili and stuff. Yeah. It's just it has to it has to just hit you subliminally. Do you know what I mean?

• 3:34:44Speaker 03

  I just saw him sitting on that vehicle. Yeah. He brought he brought the garlic and the the the chili to life. Yeah. Put yourself in my shoes if I'm seeing Ramesh on a chat show. Yeah.

• 3:34:56Speaker 03

  And he's my friend and he's getting absolutely destroyed, like torn limb from limb. The audience applauded your comment. I think they found me funny. And I think that's like, you know. Did you speak to Ramesh in the green room after? I've been me and Ramesh text often. He's a lovely fellow. Yeah, we get on really well. So Ramesh didn't mind? And you've gone on this campaign? Yeah. On Ramesh's behalf, you haven't even chat with him? In the defence of war. Yeah. So I thought I defended all comedy, all comedians. Stephen likes comedy. I love comedy. Yeah, I guess I can't say you don't because he did find the vehicle joke funny. Hmm. And at the time, it was funny. Yeah. I do accept full responsibility for running the joke into the ground and removing the humour from it.

• 3:35:40Speaker 03

  Yeah, Wilder wouldn't do that. And you can tell I like comedy because I plucked out Gene Wilder from nowhere.

• 3:35:51Speaker 03

  And even you were impressed. And what's quite impressive, it did come out of nowhere. Yeah, yeah. It was like. No, no, as I'm similar. And only a true comedian could know how funny Jim Malaga was. Yeah, that's true. That's why I hate you. Yeah. See, what I've done is I've beaten you without raising a finger. Hmm. That is what's scary about it. It's like.

• 3:36:14Speaker 03

  It's like, the fight's already happened in a way. Yeah. It's psychological. It's psychological. And it's over. We now don't need to fight. Completely in my own head. Yeah. It's like, you know, you know, in a.

• 3:36:30Speaker 03

  Yeah, you know.

• 3:36:34Speaker 03

  Cause like we were, we were talking about food. Yeah. And now I'm just defeat. Yeah. And it's like, you know, when this is England and you're, you're talking about the food. Yeah. They've seen me milking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're talking about rice and peas and making food. Of course, yeah. And that's how I feel. Yeah. Beats up. Can I tell you the quick little story about that? I think I know this. Oh, do you? Well, that's an, what an awful interview technique. No. Imagine that having a guest on and them saying they're gonna tell a story and going, I know this. I think I know this one before you tell it. Sorry, I'm just doing my own head. I can't even interview people now. I'm just letting them.

• 3:37:17Speaker 03

  I'm just spoiling people's stories, my god. I mean, Gra- Graham Norton knows everyone's stories before he. Yeah. Graham Norton is just setting people up. Yeah. He never says. Yeah. Stop me now. I know this. I know this one. The researcher told me it. I know this one. Yeah, he's never done that, has he?

• 3:37:34Speaker 03

  I had a teacher at school tell me that I couldn't do any of like, you know. I, I, I was saying like I wanted to do comedy and all, it's a bunch of different things. Can't, can't do that, it's not gonna happen. And then she turned, no, I'm not sure what you're gonna think of this story, actually.

• 3:37:51Speaker 03

  You are so in your own head. You've never said that. You've never preempted one of your stories by saying, I'm not sure what you're gonna think. Well, we'll see what your opinion is. Yeah. Oh, by the way, I've heard this one. Yeah, yeah.

• 3:38:06Speaker 03

  You know, you know, you know. I know this one. You know what happens? Yeah, yeah.

• 3:38:10Speaker 03

  I was on tour. I went on stage in Cambridge and someone had their, not just their feet, but their entire legs on the stage. I looked and it was her, my teacher from school, who told me I couldn't do this. And I looked down and it was her, from a group of her mates, they're hammered. They just ruined the whole show. The whole show, just shouting out, shout heck then. And then when I tried to deal with them, they'd go, show them, they'd turn serious and go, show some respect, that's your teacher. I was like, at the time, I was like, I don't know, 30. Yeah. I was like, I'm 30 years old. I'm not going to be a teacher anymore. They're like, ah, shut up. They ruined it. And I came on stage and I was still on Facebook at the time. And I went, I went, I had a message from her, because she had followed me on

• 3:38:53Speaker 03

  Facebook after their school. And she said, uh, she was hammered, she was like, that was great. We had a great night. We're in the pub across the street. Come and have a, come and have a drink with us. So I messaged back. Oh, hang on, where's this going? Yeah, yeah. Now she's my wife.

• 3:39:09Speaker 03

  I got it. I got Stephen Graham, everyone. He's laughing.

• 3:39:14Speaker 03

  He's laughing. Gene Wilder. Gene Wilder. Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination.

• 3:39:33Speaker 03

  You got pwned, James. No, I didn't, Ed. I believe I won, although I didn't listen back to the clips, so I didn't need to. Maybe some genuine behind the scenes chat about what a fun episode that was to record, or how good Stephen Graham was. Close brackets. And of course, you can watch the supercut of James versus Stephen Graham on our YouTube channel. Now, that's it for 2025. If you're coming along to the Royal Albert.

• 3:39:55Speaker 05

  Hall shows in March. We'll see you there, I guess.

• 3:39:57Speaker 03

  But for now, we'll leave you, as always, with the annual Papa Dums or Bread complication.

• 3:40:02Speaker 05

  It says complication. It says complication.

• 3:40:06Speaker 03

  It says complication.

• 3:40:07Speaker 05

  It says complication, so that this is what it is.

• 3:40:09Speaker 03

  Yeah. Bye.

• 3:40:14Speaker 05

  Papa Dums or bread? Papa Dums or bread, actually, for us, Steve? Papa Dums or bread?

• 3:40:19Speaker 03

  Wait, what?

• 3:40:19Speaker 05

  Papa Dums or bread? Papa Dums or bread? Papa Dums or bread, Gillian Anderson? Papa Dums or bread?

• 3:40:24Speaker 04

  Uh, definitely bread.

• 3:40:27Speaker 05

  Papa Dums or bread? Papa Dums or bread, Joanne McNally? Papa Dums or bread? I go Papa Dums. Papa Dums or bread? Papa Dums or bread, David Tennant? Papa Dums or bread? Uh, bread. Papa Dums or bread? Papa Dums or bread, Emily Campbell? Papa Dums or bread? Bread. Papa Dums or bread? Papa Dums or bread, Nina Cunty? Papa Dums or bread?

• 3:40:45Speaker 00

  Papa Dums or bread, you say?

• 3:40:46Speaker 03

  Yes. Just a bit.

• 3:40:47Speaker 00

  Um, you did just a bit say that. I would like Papa Dums, please.

• 3:40:52Speaker 05

  Papa Dums or bread? Papa Dums or bread, David O'Leary? Papa Dums or bread? Here's, this is the only problem I have with this podcast. I love your podcast, but this is the fundamental flaw in the format.

• 3:41:01Speaker 03

  Okay.

• 3:41:02Speaker 05

  Is...

• 3:41:03Speaker 03

  Get bacon on the phone.

• 3:41:03Speaker 05

  This is like asking me, do you want an apple or an avocado? And asking me to come up with the right, like, they're so contextual, aren't they?

• 3:41:10Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 3:41:11Speaker 05

  Papa Dums or bread? Papa Dums or bread, Anne Fanning? Papa Dums or bread?

• 3:41:14Speaker 00

  Oh my god, what? Bread? Bread?

• 3:41:16Speaker 05

  Papa Dums or bread? Papa Dums or bread, Maureen Miss One? Papa Dums or bread?

• 3:41:20Speaker 03

  Dums. Are you mad? Papa Dums all day, man?

• 3:41:23Speaker 05

  Papa Dums or bread? Papa Dums or bread, Mary Sona? Papa Dums or bread?

• 3:41:28Speaker 04

  So it was Papa Dums until 2014. I would have said Papa Dums.

• 3:41:32Speaker 05

  Papa Dums or bread? Papa Dums or bread, Self Esteem? Papa Dums or bread? I made the jump. I did it. I made the jump.

• 3:41:36Speaker 03

  Yeah. She jumped. She knew it was gonna happen. She still jumped.

• 3:41:42Speaker 00

  It's horrible.

• 3:41:45Speaker 04

  Uh, Papa Dums, obviously.

• 3:41:47Speaker 05

  Papa Dums or bread? Papa Dums or bread, Kate Winslet? Papa Dums or bread?

• 3:41:50Speaker 00

  Quite loud. Um, bread, definitely.

• 3:41:52Speaker 05

  It was a bit loud, wasn't it?

• 3:41:53Speaker 00

  Every time.

• 3:41:54Speaker 05

  Yeah. Papa Dums or bread? Papa Dums or bread, Julian Clary? Papa Dums or bread?

• 3:42:02Speaker 00

  Papa Dums or bread?

• 3:42:03Speaker 03

  Very well done, yes. Pop-dums or bread, Kerry, motherfucker. Pop-dums or bread? Ten thousand times bread. Pop-dums or bread, pop-dums or bread, Ben Schwartz. Pop-dums or bread? Pop-dums or bread? Yes. What is a pop-dums? As, as is tradition, when James screams "Pop-dums or bread", What is a pop-dum? Pop-dums or bread, pop-dums or bread, Daisy Reddy. Pop-dums or bread? Bread. Pop-dums or bread, pop-dums or bread, Ellie Taylor. Pop-dums or bread?

• 3:42:28Speaker 02

  I am going to say, bread.

• 3:42:31Speaker 03

  Pop-dums or bread, pop-dums or bread, Greg James. Pop-dums or bread?

• 3:42:34Speaker 02

  Um, I've thought about this a lot, obviously. It's pop-dums.

• 3:42:37Speaker 03

  Pop-dums or bread, pop-dums or bread, Harris Dickinson. Pop-dums or bread? Bloody hell. Right, well that went well. Pop-dums or bread, pop-dums or bread, Ian Smith. Pop-dums or bread? I don't think we actually got the water. Blood is the answer. Blood has to be the answer now. Okay, Robin, blood. Um, bread, please. Pop-dums or bread, pop-dums or bread, Mo Gilligan. Pop-dums or bread? I'm saying bread, I'm saying bread. Pop-dums or bread, pop-dums or bread, Catherine Parkinson. Pop-dums or bread? Very good.

• 3:43:05Speaker 03

  I'd say quite harsh to do it as Catherine was taking a sip of prosecco from her teacup. Oh, I didn't think of that.

• 3:43:12Speaker 03

  Pop-dums or bread, pop-dums or bread, the chair, Kessin. Pop-dums or bread? Oh, both. I've never ordered just one. Have you? Pop-a-dum bread, pop-a-dum bread, Canal Nia. Pop-a-dum bread? Obviously pop-a-dum. Pop-dums or bread, pop-dums or bread, Mo Gilligan. Pop-dums or bread?

• 3:43:30Speaker 03

  Bread. Pop-dums or bread, pop-dums or bread, Neil Hannon. Pop-dums or bread?

• 3:43:36Speaker 03

  It's a bit like that scene in Man Bites Dog where he scares the old woman to death. I've got to say, it's the first shout-out we've had to Man Bites Dog on the card. Yeah, good shout-out to Man Bites Dog. Pop-dums or bread, pop-dums or bread, Santiago Laster. Pop-dums or bread? I always say bread. Pop-dums or bread, pop-dums or bread, Sally Phillips. Pop-dums or bread? Basket of bread. Basket of bread. Breads of the world. Pop-dums or bread, pop-dums or bread, Stacey Dooley. Pop-dums or bread?

• 3:44:02Speaker 04

  Pop-dums or bread? Um, what bread are we talking?

• 3:44:06Speaker 03

  Pop-dums or bread, pop-dums or bread, Shadow Joe He. Pop-dums or bread?

• 3:44:09Speaker 04

  Nino, Nino, I'm on a...

• 3:44:11Speaker 03

  Switch around. Flipped it.

• 3:44:13Speaker 04

  Got to keep you guessing.

• 3:44:14Speaker 03

  Yeah, Nino. Nino came out first. The police knew what was coming, it was a sting.

• 3:44:18Speaker 04

  It felt right at the time.

• 3:44:20Speaker 03

  A sting.

• 3:44:22Speaker 04

  It has to be bread.

• 3:44:23Speaker 03

  Uh, pop-dums or bread. I'm a pop-dums player.

• 3:44:28Speaker 03

  Pop-dums or bread? Poplums or bread, James Norton? Poplums or bread? Easy. Bread, bread, bread, bread. Poplums or bread? Poplums or bread, Will Sharp? Poplums or bread? Oh, yes. Yeah, bread, probably. Poplums or bread? Poplums or bread, Stevie Martin? Poplums or bread?

• 3:44:42Speaker 00

  Bread, bread, bread, French baguette.

• 3:44:45Speaker 03

  Poplums or bread? Poplums or bread, Johnny Pellet? Poplums or bread? Ooh. That was pretty. I like that sound. I haven't got that sound out of someone before. Ooh. You, you, you kind of gained 60 years there. Suddenly. Poplums or bread? Poplums or bread, Joy Brooks? Poplums or bread? Joy spilled her coffee. I just spilled the coffee. Poplums or bread? Poplums or bread?

• 3:45:09Speaker 00

  Oh, bread.

• 3:45:10Speaker 03

  You looked so shocked at me. That's the first time you'd not been able to get through it. Because you looked at me like, what has happened? What have I done?

• 3:45:17Speaker 00

  Yeah, because I didn't hear, I didn't know what you were saying.

• 3:45:19Speaker 03

  Poplums or bread, Marian Keyes? Poplums or bread?

• 3:45:21Speaker 00

  Bread.

• 3:45:21Speaker 03

  Poplums or bread? Poplums or bread, Reece James? Poplums or bread? I bet it feels good, doesn't it? Shout that? To, to have someone that you don't respect in the chair, okay. You've had two, but you've got two. The podcast has got too big for how much you like shouting that. Poplums or bread? Poplums or bread, John Early? Poplums or bread? And there's the catchphrase.

• 3:45:42Speaker 05

  That's the.

• 3:45:43Speaker 03

  Poppadums or bread?

• 3:45:44Speaker 05

  The, the Indian kind of cracker.

• 3:45:46Speaker 03

  Yes.

• 3:45:47Speaker 05

  Has this come out loud and clearly, but is it someone disagreed with you at one point? In your, in your early childhood?

• 3:45:55Speaker 03

  Never.

• 3:45:55Speaker 05

  Okay, okay.

• 3:45:56Speaker 03

  Poplums or bread? Poplums or bread, George Eck? Poplums or bread? Do you know, I knew it was coming. Announcement before you answer, an announcement. Yeah. How many episodes of this podcast have we done now, Bonita? 260 something? That's the first time I've shouted poppadums or bread and it's made me fart. Oh, wow.

• 3:46:16Speaker 03

  Poplums or bread? Poplums or bread, Robert De Niro? Poplums or bread? What? Yes. Poplums or bread? Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is now what I'm doing. I know it. I know this was gonna happen, Chris. I've given him the responsibility, as you saw before we started the podcast. I gave him the responsibility that he's got to do the shouting. And I said, that means you've got to know when to do it. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And during this whole bit, I was like, he's forgotten. Yeah, yeah, no, I, I didn't forget. I was just enjoying the chat. That's the problem. Because I enjoyed just a, a, a nice chat, Chris. What shoutings you got to do? I got to shout poppadums or bread in a bit, but that, the idea is I surprise the guest, but it's not gonna surprise you now. The least surprise we've ever been. I wasn't listening. Yeah. All right. Talk about something else for a sec. Chris. Yes, mate. You said you got.

• 3:47:01Speaker 03

  Papa doms or bread, Chris McCorsen, and Papa doms or bread?

• 3:47:05Speaker 05

  Were you surprised?

• 3:47:06Speaker 03

  Um, oh, do you know what?

• 3:47:10Speaker 05

  Yeah, I love that.

• 3:47:11Speaker 03

  Papa doms or bread, Papa doms or bread, Jeff Dolby, Papa doms or bread?

• 3:47:15Speaker 05

  What did you say?

• 3:47:15Speaker 03

  Papa doms or bread? I will translate. James said Papa doms or bread.

• 3:47:19Speaker 05

  Oh.

• 3:47:20Speaker 03

  That's your next choice of the course.

• 3:47:21Speaker 05

  Of course, I knew you said that. Well, if you're really asking, although you're scared, did you see how easily I goes jumpscare?

• 3:47:27Speaker 03

  But you were delighted by it, though. You seemed delighted as well.

• 3:47:28Speaker 05

  I like scary movies myself, and I don't mind a jumpscare, even though it makes me jump. I'm an easy jumper. Um, well, you, you, you, you're up, you're, you're, you're talking up my alley because why could we, let's talk about bread. We could talk about all manner of bread, all sorts of bread, my likes and dislikes, but Papa dom, I know it from my Indian uh, enthusiasms. Oh, I love Indian food. I love spicy food, vindaloo, this and that. I love, what is that, cardamom?

• 3:48:01Speaker 03

  Cardamom, yeah.

• 3:48:01Speaker 05

  Some of those curry flavors. Oh, I love it. And when you get that, well, naan, that's a more dangerous and uh, sinfully delicious, you know, doughy thing that scares me a little bit. I love it. I love garlic. I'm a big garlic man, so I love garlic naan and when it's warm, I love all of that.