Pod Insights Normal Gossip The Suite Life of Rachelle and Kelsey About this episode Thank you so much to some eagle-eyed listeners who alerted us to the fact that we mistakenly published an earlier version of this episode, which contains an error mixing up the Arctic and the Antarctic, which are–famously—polar opposites. If you’re reading this, then you’ll hear the correct version, thank goodness. And as promised in the Instagram post, this version also has Kelsey crying in it. ❤️
It’s a beautiful day for some big changes and gossip on the high seas! We have been keeping a secret from you for a while, and it’s time to finally share!
Follow Rachelle on Instagram @heyydnae https://www.instagram.com/heyydnae/?hl=en
Get tickets to Kelsey's book tour here! https://kelseymckinneybook.com/
Pre-order Kelsey's book, YOU DIDN'T HEAR THIS FROM ME, here! https://shop.lostcitybookstore.com/product/9781000275124
Subscribe to our newsletter for writing from Kelsey and Alex, blog recommendations, and bonus secrets! https://defector.com/normal-gossip-podcast
You can support Normal Gossip directly by buying merch https://defectorstore.com/collections/normal-gossip or becoming a Friend or a Friend-of-Friend at supportnormalgossip.com https://defector.com/products/normalgossip.
Our merch shop is run by Dan McQuade. You can also find all kinds of info about us and how to submit gossip on our Komi page: https://normalgossip.komi.io/
Episode transcript here https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Mf_l91NA7P_d9yt3v_mlEPzQ1ZadrIcoG8k1cnmMrcs/edit?usp=sharing.
Follow the show on Instagram @normalgossip https://www.instagram.com/normalgossip/, and if you have gossip, email us at [email protected] or leave us a voicemail at 26-79-GOSSIP.
Normal Gossip is hosted by Kelsey McKinney (@mckinneykelsey https://www.instagram.com/mckinneykelsey/) and produced by Alex Sujong Laughlin (@alexlaughs https://www.instagram.com/alexlaughs/), Se’era Spragley Ricks (@seera_sharae https://www.instagram.com/seera_sharae/?__d=1%3Futm_source%3Dig_embed), Ozzy Llinas Goodman (@ozzy_llinas https://www.instagram.com/ozzy_llinas), and Jae Towle Vieira (@jaetowlevieira https://instagram.com/jaetowlevieira?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==). Abigail Segel (@AbigailSegel https://twitter.com/AbigailSegel) is our intern. Justin Ellis is Defector's projects editor. Show art by Tara Jacoby.
Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia https://www.radiotopia.fm/.
Learn about your ad choices: dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices https://dovetail.prx.org/ad-choices
Transcript 10,506 words · 4 speakers
0:00 Speaker 00 Hey, it's Alex. Thank you so much to some eagle-eyed listeners who alerted us to the fact that we mistakenly published an earlier version of this episode, which contains an error mixing up the Arctic and the Antarctic, which are famously polar opposites. If you're hearing this, then you'll hear the correct version, thank goodness. And as promised in the Instagram post, this one actually has Kelsey crying in it.
0:33 Speaker 01 Hi, and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Kelsey McKinney, and in each episode of this podcast, we're going to bring you an anonymous morsel of gossip from the real world. Today is a very special day. Things are changing. And while change can be a little scary, I ask that you trust us. We believe that while this is a big change, it's going to be a fucking great one. When Alex and I first started working on this podcast in earnest, I was kind of doing it as a bit. Like, I'd never hosted a podcast before. I'd never written a script. It was just this weird and funny thing we were doing. And then, obviously, it became so much more than that. But the thing about creative work of
1:14 Speaker 01 any kind is that it requires passion and energy. And more than anything, it requires its creators to be entertained. If I'm bored by a story, you'll be bored by a story. Like, if I'm not excited about something we're doing, it won't feel exciting for you. I never want to half-ass an episode for y'all. I do not want to run this thing into the ground on my own ego or hubris or some other weird third thing. The stories being good has always been our priority. And for the stories to continue being good on Normal Gossip, it needs new minds. Which is all to say, we have been keeping a secret from you this whole season. And it has been so hard, because it is such an exciting secret.
1:59 Speaker 01 Last week's episode with Rishikesh Hirway was the last episode that Alex and I controlled. We babied it. We loved it. We love all of our episodes, our beautiful children. Don't ask us which one is our favorite. We don't know. For us, the gossip era is changing. I have written a book about gossip. It's out in February. I'll tour it in February and then I will be moving on. Alex will move on. We will move on to something else that I can't tell you yet because I don't know what it is. We need time to figure it out. But this show is so good and I'm so proud of what we built here and we could not leave y'all gossipless heading into what is sure to be a
2:42 Speaker 01 nightmare few years. You deserve a good product and great stories. You deserve to be entertained. And so we are handing it off. The podcast will stay in-house at Defector Media where Alex will still keep an eye on it as supervising producer. We will stay with Radiotopia and I will still be around and involved like some kind of overbearing auntie. This is a peaceful transition of power. You will be in new, beautiful, brilliant hands. I am thrilled, beyond belief even, shaking. I'm so excited to introduce to you the new host of Normal Gossip, America's next top normal gossip host with
3:26 Speaker 01 podcast absolute best friend Rachel fucking Hampton. Rachel, hello.
3:31 Speaker 02 Hello. This is the most exciting day of my life.
3:37 Speaker 01 It's the most exciting day of my life. I'm thrilled.
3:40 Speaker 02 I can't tell you how excited I am.
3:42 Speaker 01 The thing is, like, the handover isn't even in the future. It starts right now. This episode is being produced by Rachel's partner in crime, Sierra Spragley-Ricks. These are the very last moments that I am in charge. And because I am in charge for like a couple more minutes, I'm going to brag about you, Rachel. I'm so sorry.
4:00 Speaker 02 Oh.
4:02 Speaker 02 Scary.
4:04 Speaker 01 Scary. I don't know. I just think that people need to know that like you have been in this show's DNA from the beginning. You were the second episode we ever recorded. That story became season one's Can I Say Something Bitchy, which people still say is their favorite episode. When we wanted to try out a live show a million years ago, you did us a favor and were the guest. Like, not to make you cry, but like, you're fucking brilliant. Like, after Rachel joined Defector this summer, she came to all of our meetings and helped with the stories and gave notes on the episodes. Oh, my God.
4:39 Speaker 01 Stop.
4:40 Speaker 02 Okay.
4:43 Speaker 01 You already love her work. Like, I'm crying because I have so much faith in her. It's ridiculous. Like, there is no one I would have handed this show off to except for Rachel. Rachel, as a water sign, are you thrilled that I have cried on the podcast for the first time?
5:00 Speaker 02 I have never been happier in my entire life than to see you crying with your clearly happy tears. I, I love this show. I love you. I love Alex and Jay, and I love Ciara. And this show has been my favorite show since it started. I literally remember recording that episode with you in an old apartment in Brooklyn and thinking, you know, there are very few shows that I would ever listen to, but I know this is gonna be one of them. And it was entirely accurate. It's been such an honor to be involved with this show from the very beginning. Every single time I was invited back, I just kept thinking,
5:44 Speaker 02 wow, I'm so happy to be riding Kelsey's coattails. And here I am, doing it once again.
5:53 Speaker 02 Kelsey, how do you feel?
5:55 Speaker 01 I feel emotional, more emotional than I expected.
6:01 Speaker 01 But really, I mean, doing this has been one of the highlights of my career. It's an honor to bring these insane stories 20 weeks a year to the people. Like, I'm so, so grateful to everyone who listens and tells their friends to listen, who sent in gossip and who loves our work. And like, as of right now, Rachel's in charge. I'm fucking thrilled. I'm so excited. Like, I finally get to do what everyone else gets to do, which is listen to these stories, like, for the first time and freak out. Like, I can't wait to do that. And as your first benevolent act, I get to be the guest today on your first episode, which is so exciting for me. Um, Rachel, are you ready?
6:44 Speaker 02 I think I am.
6:46 Speaker 01 Take it away, babe.
6:54 Speaker 02 Hello and welcome to Normal Gossip. I'm Rachel Hampton. In each episode of this podcast, we're gonna be bringing you in anonymous, more civil gossip from the real world. And today, I am joined by Dowager Queen of Normal Gossip, Kelsey McKinney. Hello.
7:15 Speaker 01 Dowager Queen, like I've hit menopause.
7:20 Speaker 02 Listen, you are at state dinners. You are telling the Archduke that he is allowed. We are up.
7:28 Speaker 02 Kelsey, how's it feel to be on the other side?
7:31 Speaker 01 Oh, my God. Okay, to be honest, I'm like, a little nervous. Like, I probably should have done this earlier because I'm like, our poor guests, right? Like, I'm like, I don't know what's coming. I don't know what you're gonna say to me. Like, I had to pick a gossip story and I was like, oh, no.
7:47 Speaker 02 I love that you're finally experiencing what guests have to go through. Which, speaking of, it's time for you to answer the question that you've been asking for years now, except a little different. How has your relationship with gossip changed over the course of hosting this show?
8:06 Speaker 01 So when I started hosting the show, I do think our kind of relationship to gossip was a little different as a culture. Um, we spent a lot of the first season trying to convince people that gossip was not evil. And that really isn't something you have to do as often anymore. Like, there's just way more gossip in the world and way more positive feelings toward gossip. Like, a pendulum is kind of swinging. So I think when I started the show, my relationship with gossip was still like a little tentative. I kind of came into it as like, oh, you know, here's this thing that I love that people say is bad. Here's this way that I view it, that I want other people to view it. And that really has changed. I mean, substantially in four years. And I think now,
8:51 Speaker 01 I think about gossip all the time. I've thought about it constantly for so long, right? Like, I wrote a whole book about it. And it's like, the only thing I've been able to think about for years. So I think my relationship with it now is much more professional, first off, but I'm also just inundated with gossip now, because every single person who I ever meet is like, here's a little morsel. Would you like it? And so I am eating.
9:16 Speaker 02 I cannot wait for people to know even more that they can tell me gossip after this moment.
9:21 Speaker 01 Yeah, hell, yeah.
9:22 Speaker 02 I also love how you say the pendulum has swung since the show started, as if the show was not part of the pendulum swinging. Kelsey, I wonder why the pendulum has swung so much. Maybe because there's a show that has taught the importance and joy of gossip.
9:39 Speaker 01 Yeah, I mean, it's, I do think that that's probably true on some level. It is funny that now I feel like, I mean, don't read the comments, etc. But we do get criticism sometimes for people who are like, why are you talking about the importance that gossip has in the world? Everybody already knows this. And I'm like, well, all right. One, not everyone. Two, like, that wasn't true when we started. And I think it's hard, it has been often hard for me to remember that, like, the culture has changed and we were part of that change. And I'm happier for it because the stories are fucking better, right? Like, people are going straight to Cam on TikTok with the craziest shit you've ever heard, which is, mamma mia, what a gift, you know?
10:19 Speaker 02 How many storytimes on TikTok have been influenced by normal gossip? We'll never know, but I will say safely a million.
10:29 Speaker 02 Speaking of, a little birdie told me you had some gossip for me.
10:33 Speaker 01 Oh, my God, I do. Okay, so I know this girl, right? Well, I don't know her. A friend of a friend knows her. And she has this terrible boss, right? Like, he's the kind of guy who, like, never wears shoes in the office.
10:43 Speaker 02 Ew.
10:44 Speaker 01 Yeah, and like brings his dog in even though people on his staff are allergic.
10:48 Speaker 02 Rude.
10:49 Speaker 01 Yeah, and this is like gross tech company, right? So she like works all the time. She's miserable. And one day they're like, hey, we need you to run out and get champagne because it's your boss's birthday. And she's like, ugh, okay. So she goes to the grocery store. She's in this like huge rush. And the checkout clerk is like trying to gab with her, right? Like, he's like, you know, how's your day? How's it going? And she's like flustered. And she's like, I'm so sorry, but like, can you please hurry?
11:19 Speaker 02 Wow.
11:20 Speaker 01 And then he slows down. He's like taking the bottle really slowly off the conveyor belt. He's like, you know, trying to scan the bottle like half-heartedly. It's like not scanning. And she's like, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind.
11:36 Speaker 02 Yeah.
11:36 Speaker 01 Then the bottle like kind of slips and it catches, you know, on the edge of that like scale thing. And it fucking shatters. I mean, glass everywhere, glass in his hair, glass in her hair, like sticky champagne fucking on the ceiling, right? Everywhere.
11:53 Speaker 02 Oh, my God. Help hazard.
11:55 Speaker 01 And this girl, because she is like so worked up about this terrible job that she has with this terrible boss, is like, oh, my God, like, I can't believe this. I'm in a rush. This is ridiculous.
12:06 Speaker 02 Yeah.
12:06 Speaker 01 You think that's a reasonable response here?
12:09 Speaker 02 Oh, I would have started crying.
12:11 Speaker 01 No.
12:12 Speaker 02 It's one of those things where you, it's the final straw. And you normally would not have cried about something like that. And then it happens at the end of a really long day. And you're like, everything has been building to this moment. And now I'm simply releasing myself to the tears.
12:29 Speaker 01 Hundred percent. And shattering, I think, something shattering is like the worst version of that.
12:33 Speaker 02 Glass in your hair?
12:34 Speaker 01 You can't move.
12:35 Speaker 02 Scary.
12:36 Speaker 01 Right? Like, it's awful. The other thing is that she's kind of like raised her voice at him by being like, this is ridiculous. Like she has gotten a little sharp. And so she's like embarrassed. She's like, I'm not really the kind of person who yells, like, I definitely don't want to be the kind of person who yells at a checkout guy at the grocery store. And so she's like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Like, it's an accident. Like, I did not mean to yell at you. And then she looks up and makes eye contact and he is like, so, so, so hot.
13:11 Speaker 02 Keep going.
13:12 Speaker 01 Like, how, what kind of game do you have? What would you do here?
13:16 Speaker 02 Well, the thing is, I would have been crying. So I don't know how much game I have in this moment. But I think if you're apologizing for it being sharp, it's a really easy way to be like, I'm so sorry. I'm having a terrible day. I didn't mean to yell at you. Can I do anything to make it up to you?
13:37 Speaker 01 Yes, exactly. And our girl has like, no game, but she is good at apologizing. So she's like, I'm so sorry. She's like, swooning, right? And he's like, what kind of person yells at a checkout guy? But there's a wink in his voice. So it's really more like, what kind of person yells at a checkout guy?
13:55 Speaker 02 I think I want to know that kind of person.
13:57 Speaker 01 And then she's like, a bad person. And he's like, hmm, I don't know about that. And then they went out for drinks after his shift was over and they got married.
14:14 Speaker 02 This is beautiful. This is beautiful. Following up from the gossip from Caroline about the adoptive teen lord. I love rom com gossip. I love a getting together story. I love a meet cute, give it to me, inject it. It gives me hope that I don't have to be on Tinder and I can just have a bad day and get champagne spilled all over me and then find my husband.
14:39 Speaker 01 I was like, I know my girls are romantic. So I'm going to bring her this cutesy little story.
14:43 Speaker 02 Thank you so much. That was beautiful. I have something for you. Are you ready for some gossip?
14:51 Speaker 01 I've never been more ready in my life.
14:54 Speaker 02 Let's fucking go.
15:04 Speaker 02 We've been cooking up a fun, special holiday project for y'all over here at Normal Gossip. And usually when work gets crazy, I kinda just try to continue my life like nothing's happening. But recently, thanks to therapy, this time around, I was like, what if I did not try to pour from an empty cup? And that is what growing feels like. If you've been thinking about starting therapy, then I think you should check out today's sponsor, Growth Therapy. Growth Therapy is built for therapy that actually feels like care. You can find therapy based on what matters most to you, like insurance taken, mental health specialties, identity, or night and weekend availability if you're working a lot.
15:50 Speaker 02 Book your first session in minutes and you can start in as little as two days. Sessions average $21 with insurance and some pay as little as $0, depending on your insurance plan. Prepare for holiday glimmers instead of holiday stress. Visit growtherapy.com/gossip to get started today. That is growtherapy.com/gossip. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. I'm gonna admit something embarrassing. I know, shocker. I have not had a bedside lamp for an undisclosed amount of months, long enough that I basically haven't read before bed for a really long time. And I only realized this because I'm hosting a friend and I was like, wow,
16:34 Speaker 02 they deserve to have a light by their bed at night. I don't. But this finally inspired me to find the perfect bedside lamp and I had a vision in mind. Wayfair, they had exactly what I need, which is one of those library-style lights with like the green lampshade and little pull cord. I have been having this image in my mind of having one and now I have one because of course Wayfair had it. For all things hosting, Wayfair delivers high-quality, customer-trusted products for your home so you can host and celebrate without distress. When refreshing your home this holiday season, Wayfair delivers exactly what you need. Head to wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R dot com.
17:21 Speaker 03 Support comes from Wise, the smart way to manage the currencies you need around the globe. Fed up with losing out to hidden fees when you send your money abroad with your everyday bank? Choose the smart way. Wise. You can count on the exchange rate you'd usually find on Google. No unwelcome surprises. Plus, ditch that "where's my money" feeling. Most transfers arrive in under 20 seconds. Join millions saving billions on hidden fees. Be smart, get wise. Download the Wise app today. Ts and Cs apply.
18:00 Speaker 02 Okay, Kelsey.
18:02 Speaker 01 Yes.
18:02 Speaker 02 Today, our friend of a friend is Josie.
18:06 Speaker 01 Okay.
18:07 Speaker 02 Josie's in her mid-30s, and her most defining trait is being a former theater kid.
18:14 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
18:16 Speaker 02 She is the kind of person who prefers the original Broadway cast recording of Rent more than the 2005 movie soundtrack, even though a lot of the actors are the same. She's the kind of person who listened to the Hamilton mixtape when it came out.
18:30 Speaker 01 No.
18:31 Speaker 02 Her go-to karaoke song is "Don't Rain on My Parade" from Funny Girl.
18:39 Speaker 02 Our story today takes place on international waters.
18:43 Speaker 01 No. What?
18:44 Speaker 02 Because for the past eight years, our friend of a friend Josie has been working as a performer on cruises. Kelsey, how do you feel about cruises?
18:54 Speaker 01 I'm already, there's so many things I hate happening here. Like, something I think I have kept decently concealed throughout the time as the host of this podcast is that the type of person I have the most struggles with in my interpersonal life is these people, right? Like, the very loud theater kid brand is a type that I really struggle to interact with because I'm a Virgo and I'm not fun. Also, a thing I don't like is international waters. Like, they could just kill you out there. Like, you shouldn't go out there. You definitely should not go out there for work. Like, we barely have any protections in this country. Don't go out there. Um, I've never been on a cruise and I don't really want to go out there on a cruise.
19:39 Speaker 01 Um, I think the ocean is a beautiful and terrifying place and I respect her by staying away.
19:43 Speaker 02 Exactly. So fair. Like, yeah, I've seen the Titanic, you know? And so has our girl Josie, who was also initially very skeptical of cruises, not just because of the Titanic, but because she's a hot, young thing.
19:57 Speaker 01 Yeah.
19:58 Speaker 02 She's not a retiree.
19:59 Speaker 01 Yes.
20:00 Speaker 02 And like most people in creative fields, at the beginning of her career, Josie had really big dreams.
20:05 Speaker 01 Oh.
20:07 Speaker 02 She went to Berkeley, the music school in Boston, not the one in California. She was gonna be on Broadway. She was gonna travel the world on the Lion King tour. But then she graduated and started working shows in Boston and realized that working your way up in the theater world is both hard and expensive. And she also kind of hates Boston. It's cold and snowy and full of racists.
20:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah.
20:32 Speaker 02 And Josie, she had this feeling that if she really wanted to make it, she needed to move to New York, but she doesn't come from money.
20:39 Speaker 01 Yeah.
20:40 Speaker 02 She has loans from Berkeley and bartending while waiting for callbacks is barely covering her rent.
20:45 Speaker 01 Totally.
20:46 Speaker 02 Do you have any experience in a field like this?
20:50 Speaker 01 Yeah, I mean, yikes. My first job in journalism paid $30,000 before taxes and I had to move to Washington DC, which has one of the highest tax rates in the country. Almost all creative careers are filled with people who are just secretly wealthy and you don't find that out till they're like 27 somehow. Like, they just hide it. And I also think there's like, in any creative career, if you are successful, you know that part of that is luck. And like, if you don't get lucky, you are kind of screwed, right? Like, I was there. I remember being like, I just need five things to fall in my favor and it'll be fine. And like, there's nothing you can do to control that, which sucks. Poor Josie.
21:32 Speaker 02 Exactly. Well, the thing is, one day, a few years after graduating, Josie is bitching about her situation.
21:38 Speaker 01 Yeah.
21:38 Speaker 02 As one does. But that day was different because the person she was bitching to was a professor at Berkeley.
21:44 Speaker 01 Okay.
21:45 Speaker 02 That she was still close to. And this professor let her in on a secret way of making money while still pursuing her musical dreams.
21:53 Speaker 01 Hmm.
21:54 Speaker 02 So I did some research about how much cruise performers make.
21:57 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
21:57 Speaker 02 And the starting rate is around $2,400 a month.
22:01 Speaker 01 Ooh.
22:01 Speaker 02 You're not paying any rent.
22:02 Speaker 01 Okay.
22:03 Speaker 02 You don't have any food costs because every meal is paid for.
22:06 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
22:07 Speaker 02 You get free transportation to and from port of call.
22:10 Speaker 01 Okay.
22:10 Speaker 02 So all you have to do is get yourself to an airport and your health insurance is free on board.
22:15 Speaker 01 Ooh, okay. So you have no life expenses, essentially.
22:19 Speaker 02 Exactly. You can just save money. And to a struggling recent college grad, it sounds like a pretty sweet life.
22:27 Speaker 01 Yeah.
22:27 Speaker 02 Right? Some might say a sweet life on debt.
22:30 Speaker 01 No, no.
22:33 Speaker 01 Get out.
22:35 Speaker 02 So you're Josie.
22:37 Speaker 01 Okay.
22:37 Speaker 02 You're 24, you're spending down your savings, you're second in line for an understudy role in a Boston production of Jesus Christ Superstar, and you kind of think Andrew Lloyd Webber is a hat.
22:53 Speaker 02 Your professor has already passed your resume along to a director of a cruise that's shipping out in a month. The first stop is in the Bahamas.
23:00 Speaker 01 Ooh.
23:00 Speaker 02 What do you do?
23:01 Speaker 01 Okay, the thing is, I'm getting it, right? Like, it's cold, it's miserable. Once I drop to my cannoli on the ground in Boston, so I have beef with that city. Like, I understand why she would want to leave. I still am like, don't do it. Like, do not get on this cruise ship.
23:18 Speaker 02 Unfortunately, our girl Josie is like, sign me the fuck up.
23:23 Speaker 01 Yeah.
23:24 Speaker 02 She finds a subletter for her room in Jamaica Plains and ships out. And for the first few cruises, the ships are a little rinky-dink. They're a little rundown. Think the kind of cruise you might get a Groupon for. Everything costs a little extra. The Spirit Airlines cruises.
23:43 Speaker 01 No, absolutely not. Like, no.
23:48 Speaker 02 But the thing is, Josie's actually really good at being a cruise employee. Importantly, most cruise contracts are at least four months in length. But if you're a performer, you can spend 11 months with your cast and musical director, two months in rehearsals, and nine months for the actual cruise. You have to be a really particular kind of person to thrive in these sort of environments. Like, not only are you surrounded by water in every direction, you're stuck with the same people for nearly a year. There's no escape. Everyone knows everyone who knows everything. You are basically kind of on a floating prison.
24:27 Speaker 01 It's like a floating prison or like the Big Brother house without cameras, right?
24:31 Speaker 02 Exactly. And cameras if you're on Below Deck.
24:35 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
24:37 Speaker 02 But Josie thrives. She loves being rocked to sleep by the waves. She loves the tackiness of the cruise ships. She's the kind of person that knows how to keep a secret. So everyone tells her everything and knows she won't tell anyone else. So she's very rarely involved in drama, but knows all the drama.
24:55 Speaker 01 That's power, baby.
24:57 Speaker 02 And at the end of every contract, Josie keeps telling herself, this is the last one.
25:02 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
25:04 Speaker 02 But one year goes by, two years go by.
25:07 Speaker 01 No.
25:08 Speaker 02 And now somehow it's been over eight years since Josie graduated. And she's been promoted to musical director. And she's really fucking good at it. She's the perfect mix of warm and uptight. Her performers feel safe with her, but they also know not to fuck around. She runs a tight ship. And she's been doing this long enough that not only does she get all the good contracts for the fancy ships, but because she's a musical director, she even gets her own room.
25:39 Speaker 01 Ooh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. This woman has been living for eight years at sea in a shared room?
25:50 Speaker 02 Yes. Remember, she's a theater kid.
25:52 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
25:54 Speaker 02 So our story starts at the beginning of a very special cruise that Josie is musically directing. It is an Antarctic cruise. Do you know anything about Antarctic cruises?
26:07 Speaker 01 Um, I've seen those terrifying TikToks where it's like a boat going through waves that seem to be the size of like the Empire State Building.
26:17 Speaker 02 Sound in the back that's like, yo.
26:20 Speaker 01 Yes.
26:21 Speaker 02 Fees and beggars.
26:23 Speaker 01 Oh, she's an artist. Um, yes, and those scare me. Also, you don't need to go to Antarctica. That's not a place people need to go. Like, I understand that people are like, I want to see penguins. They have penguins at the zoo.
26:38 Speaker 02 Yeah, so important to know that Antarctic cruises are also very expensive cruises. Cruises over 20 days to Antarctica range from $18,000 to $45,000, according to NationalGeographicsExpeditions.com, which is a real website.
26:58 Speaker 01 Wow, ooh.
26:59 Speaker 02 The cheapest Antarctic cruise costs $7,000. And the thing is, this is not a cheap cruise. This ship has six levels.
27:09 Speaker 01 Ooh.
27:10 Speaker 02 And it has a special insulated engine that prevents it from freezing in cold water.
27:15 Speaker 01 I don't like that you're telling me that. I don't like that at all. Mm-hmm, continue.
27:19 Speaker 02 Josie's been on this cruise before. The last time, as they were making their way to Antarctica, a passenger had a heart attack and someone yelled, is anyone a doctor? 100 people raised their hand. So they yelled, a heart doctor. 30 people raised their hand. So this is a cruise with the best tips.
27:40 Speaker 01 Yeah, it's giving rich.
27:42 Speaker 02 She's gonna be rich. Josie's excited not just for the tips and the penguins, but because her friend Mira will be on board this cruise. Josie and Mira have worked together before. Mira is a singer. She's still young enough to have the big dreams that Josie's kind of given up on.
27:59 Speaker 01 Okay.
27:59 Speaker 02 Mira has a boyfriend on land. He's an understudy in Eastside Story in Milwaukee. And Mira is positive that this man's gonna be her big break. But the thing about Mira is that she's actually a pretty good singer. And she's really stubborn like Josie and likes to be right. But the thing about Mira and Josie is they usually agree with each other. So they're right together.
28:24 Speaker 01 Oh, dangerous.
28:25 Speaker 02 What matters. It's two dumb bitches telling each other exactly.
28:29 Speaker 01 So it's just our entire text thread.
28:31 Speaker 02 Exactly.
28:31 Speaker 01 Exactly.
28:33 Speaker 02 How are you feeling so far?
28:34 Speaker 01 Um, I'm feeling stressed. I also think, you know, two stubborn people who are on the same team is very dangerous for everyone else. So that is a power position to have all the secrets and be the boss and be in a stubborn person duo.
28:51 Speaker 02 Those are some good observations. The day comes where it's time to board the cruise.
28:57 Speaker 01 Okay.
28:58 Speaker 02 And Josie texts Mira, surprise, I've got a hot plate for you.
29:03 Speaker 01 Oh, okay.
29:05 Speaker 02 This is a huge deal because anything that creates heat on a ship is contra ban.
29:10 Speaker 01 Oh.
29:11 Speaker 02 Other than the obvious forbidden items of fireworks, firearms and swords, which is specified. There will be no swashbuckling here, Kelsey.
29:24 Speaker 02 Other things that are forbidden other than swashbuckling are heating blankets, coffee makers, clothes irons and steamers.
29:32 Speaker 01 Okay.
29:32 Speaker 02 Candles, incense, hot water kettles and hot plates. The performers can't even have fairy lights in their room.
29:39 Speaker 01 Okay, so being cozy is forbidden.
29:42 Speaker 02 Yes.
29:43 Speaker 01 And you must be wrinkly. This seems so bad. You can't have a heating pad?
29:49 Speaker 02 No.
29:50 Speaker 01 I use my heating pad sometimes in my house when it's like 70 degrees.
29:54 Speaker 02 Oh, same. Same. But the thing is singers love hot plates and kettles.
30:01 Speaker 02 Not because they're pyromaniacs, to be
30:03 Speaker 01 Okay, okay.
30:03 Speaker 02 But because they allow you to do things like heat up water.
30:06 Speaker 01 Okay.
30:07 Speaker 02 Steam your vocal cords, make tea in your room more soup.
30:11 Speaker 01 Okay.
30:11 Speaker 02 Keep your voice healthy. And remember, the ship, huge. The crew cabins are kind of far from the mess hall.
30:18 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
30:19 Speaker 02 Sometimes at the end of a 11 month contract, you want to make ramen in your room and not put on pants.
30:24 Speaker 01 Yeah, that makes perfect sense to me. I also imagine if you are singing consistently on a cruise ship, you're gonna want to have like a nice little, you know, warm water with lemon as a treat.
30:36 Speaker 02 A little honey.
30:37 Speaker 01 Yeah.
30:38 Speaker 02 Exactly.
30:39 Speaker 01 Oh, so the hot plate is a big deal.
30:42 Speaker 02 It's a big deal. It's highly forbidden, incredibly in demand, which of course means they're extremely difficult to smuggle onboard. Security knows what the crew is up to, which means that if you succeed, you're basically a god. So obviously, normal gossip doesn't condone crime.
31:01 Speaker 01 Is that obvious?
31:03 Speaker 02 Not yet.
31:04 Speaker 01 Okay, sorry, sorry, continue.
31:07 Speaker 02 But if you were to try to smuggle a highly forbidden item onto a cruise where your baggage is scanned, how would you do it?
31:13 Speaker 01 Do I have to go through a metal detector?
31:15 Speaker 02 Yes.
31:16 Speaker 01 Okay, so I need to go through a metal detector. My bag is gonna be scanned. Um, ooh. I think maybe if it's going through a metal detector, you have a problem, right? Because the hot plate is mostly metal, so it's gonna set off the little dingy thing no matter what. So that means that you need the hot plate to go through security in something that's not gonna go through the metal detector thing. So could I like buy a bag for all of the film cameras that I have and put it on the bottom of that? That's what I would do and be like, this is my bag for film. It can't go in there. It'll become ruined.
31:54 Speaker 02 That's really smart.
31:55 Speaker 01 Thank you.
31:56 Speaker 02 And Josie has also tried to do this before.
31:59 Speaker 01 Ooh.
32:01 Speaker 02 But every time she tried to smuggle something onboard, it never quite worked.
32:05 Speaker 01 Okay.
32:05 Speaker 02 Like the last cruise, she managed to get a kettle onboard, but the little heating plate got found. So she just had a useless kettle in her room for the entire cruise staring back at her, reminding her of her failure.
32:17 Speaker 01 That's terrible.
32:19 Speaker 02 But this time, Josie has a secret weapon.
32:22 Speaker 01 Ooh.
32:23 Speaker 02 Josie knows everyone, including the AV guys.
32:27 Speaker 01 Ooh, oh, hell, yeah.
32:30 Speaker 02 People who are expected to be carrying metal equipment, such as speakers and microphones and perhaps a deconstructed hot plate.
32:40 Speaker 01 Uh huh, uh huh. AV guys also, in my experience, are stoners and are bribeable. So this is seeming like a good situation to me.
32:52 Speaker 02 Yeah. On the last cruise, Josie helped the head AV guy, Tim, through a really rough breakup because every breakup at sea is very rough.
33:01 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
33:03 Speaker 02 Tim was dating a guy at the meat carving station who, to be fair, was really hot. His arms were really toned from carving meat and they were covered in beautiful Americana tattoos of mermaids and sirens. But what this meant was that when he and Tim broke up, that Josie was basically forced into being a vegetarian for the last two months of the cruise because she could no longer go to the meat carving station. So Tim owes her.
33:27 Speaker 01 Yeah, okay.
33:29 Speaker 02 He agrees to smuggle a hot plate and covertly deliver it to her room. We are bartering goods and services, therapy in exchange for minor crimes. This is the future liberals want.
33:40 Speaker 01 Hell, yeah. Solidarity within community.
33:43 Speaker 02 Exactly. Do you see anything wrong with this plan?
33:47 Speaker 01 It does seem like a fair trade to me to be like, you're going to smuggle this hot plate on and in exchange, I've already done labor for you. The only thing I can think about is that since Josie is like keeper of secrets, this is now a secret that Tim has, which is ammo.
34:03 Speaker 02 So Josie, she's like, it's worth it for this hot plate. It'll change my life. She gets to her room on board. She's like sweating bullets on her way through security. She's chatting with the security guys like, yeah, nice to see you. I had a good break. Bye. So she gets to her room. She's going through the drawer. She's searching under the duvet. She can't find the hot plate and she's like, have I failed yet again?
34:30 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
34:30 Speaker 02 Has Tim failed me?
34:32 Speaker 01 Tim.
34:32 Speaker 02 Did I provide free therapy for nothing?
34:35 Speaker 01 Tim, please.
34:36 Speaker 02 But then she looks in the closet and there, on a high shelf. Is the hot plate.
34:42 Speaker 01 Oh my god.
34:44 Speaker 02 Josie's like, wow, Tim did a great job hiding this. She's basking in the glow of her victory, her first successful smuggling. When Tim knocks on her door and he's like, here's your hot plate.
34:58 Speaker 02 Josie's like, what?
35:00 Speaker 01 No, no, no, no, no. The right answer here is to be like, thank you so much. And then you close the door.
35:07 Speaker 02 So something I forgot to mention is that when you board a ship as a performer, you go into the cabin of the person who had the role before you. So if you're the musical director, you go into the cabin of the last cast musical director. And standard cruise practice is that anything left behind is yours to keep or give away. So that means the previous musical director on this ship, rather than try to de-smuggle a hot plate left theirs behind, which means Josie now has two. Famously, there's not a lot of space in cruise rooms, even though Josie has her own. And Josie doesn't want to keep both, which is how she comes to text her friend Mira that she has a hot plate to share. Mira responds, sex.
35:52 Speaker 01 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. She's just gonna give her the hot plate?
35:55 Speaker 02 That's the question I have for you. Do you give away your hot plate for free?
35:59 Speaker 01 No, this is a bartering economy. You've got to be bartering. Like, you don't need money for it, but like, what does Mira have that you could have?
36:08 Speaker 02 Exactly. Josie is also smart. She knows it's about to be a long contract. And Josie also knows something important about Mira, which is that Mira somehow always manages to smuggle edibles onto the ship.
36:20 Speaker 01 Oh.
36:22 Speaker 02 And crew aren't allowed to drink while they're on the job. There are random breathalyzers while you're working. And technically, there are random drug tests. But Josie and Mira know that they're pretty rare. They really only happen if like, security is suspicious.
36:36 Speaker 01 Everything I'm learning about working on a cruise is making me less happy about it. Like, you don't get to drink. They can drug test you at any moment. Like, it sounds like the whole cruise ship is actually sea jail.
36:47 Speaker 02 Floating prison.
36:50 Speaker 02 So Josie would like some edibles to get her through this experience. And she also knows that Mira could really use a hot plate because she's a singer.
36:57 Speaker 01 Okay.
36:59 Speaker 02 And the thing is, Mira can be a bit of a diva.
37:02 Speaker 01 No.
37:04 Speaker 02 It's because she cares. She wants to be in kinky boots. This is just a stepping stone to something bigger, but Josie's been around the block enough to know that Mira is never going to be in kinky boots.
37:16 Speaker 01 Yeah.
37:17 Speaker 02 She doesn't want to crush Mira's dreams and she wants Mira to feel valued as performer because for a crew singer, Mira is pretty talented. So this trade is also a bit of an ego boost for Mira. Star treatment. Protect your precious voice, queen.
37:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, being the talent. Yeah.
37:33 Speaker 02 Exactly.
37:34 Speaker 01 Oof. It also seems like Josie's doing a little bit of like, I see so much of myself in you parentheses derogatory, right?
37:42 Speaker 02 Exactly.
37:45 Speaker 02 So the trade is done. Mira, rich in hot water and ramen. Josie, return edibles and the crew sets off. Vibe check. Kelsey, how are you feeling so far? Do you foresee any problems?
37:55 Speaker 01 Right now, to be honest, I'm feeling pretty good. Two people have hot plates, which is way more than we thought we're going to have hot plates. Um, I seem to have a very solid ally in Tim, the AV guy. I'm okay for now, but I'm still worried about us being on a boat. That is concerning to me. I'm not a very good swimmer. I'm worried.
38:15 Speaker 02 I cannot swim at all. So we would not be in this situation. Luckily, Mira and Josie can swim. Eight months pass.
38:21 Speaker 01 Okay.
38:22 Speaker 02 At this point, it's technically month 10 of the contract. So everyone is sick of each other.
38:28 Speaker 01 Hundred percent.
38:29 Speaker 02 Everyone's already fucked each other, broken up, gotten back together and broken up again.
38:33 Speaker 01 Oof.
38:34 Speaker 02 Mira ran out of edibles at the end of the fourth month at sea.
38:38 Speaker 01 That's bad pacing.
38:41 Speaker 02 Josie managed to make hers last through month six, but now it's month eight.
38:46 Speaker 01 Yeah.
38:47 Speaker 02 Tensions are high, enemies have formed. Vibes are not good. Everyone wants to go home and everyone is holding on by a thread. Josie's seen this happen before and is at the point where she's spending most of her time in her room. But that doesn't protect her from the slow descent into chaos. Or from Mira's ego being inflated by rich and drunk passengers.
39:09 Speaker 01 Oh, no. Every heart doctor on this boat is like, you're the best singer I've ever heard.
39:15 Speaker 02 Exactly. Josie's trying to walk a fine line of praising Mira and keeping her humble. But Mira does not make this easy.
39:23 Speaker 01 Sure.
39:24 Speaker 02 Mira keeps opting up in songs without telling the pianist.
39:28 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
39:29 Speaker 02 At the end of every show, Mira just stays on stage a little too long. Sometimes Mira has one of her friends from the kitchen throw flowers at her after her solo.
39:39 Speaker 01 What?
39:40 Speaker 02 Mira has put a decal on her door that says, Angel of Music.
39:44 Speaker 01 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I mean, this is like, ah. I like, this girl's making me crazy. Like, I don't know her, but I, something I truly cannot tolerate is people who act like they're hot shit when they're still in a really small pond. Yeah, you're the hottest girl on the cruise ship, but we are in international waters.
40:06 Speaker 02 And the thing is, Mira always wants to talk with Josie after every show for what she calls feedback, but is basically a demand for new and highly specific praise from Josie. And when Josie's compliments are too similar, Mira gets despondent and spins the next performance on the verge of tears.
40:27 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
40:30 Speaker 02 So our girl Josie's tired.
40:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, she's, she's exhausted.
40:34 Speaker 02 She's exhausted. Lucky for her, they have one more journey to Antarctica on this contract and then they're free. So they've just finished docking in Santiago when Tim, the AV guy knocks on Josie's door. He has an illicit trade. He's like, I picked up some Xanax at port. Don't ask how.
40:56 Speaker 01 Ooh.
40:57 Speaker 02 Xanax is a very hot commodity among the crew because they get health insurance through the boat. It's almost never prescribed unless absolutely necessary. And unfortunately, eight months of Mira does not count as a medical condition in the eyes of the staff doctors. So Tim's like, I picked up some Xanax at port. Don't ask how. Don't tell anyone. I'm not trading with everyone. I specifically want a hot plate and I know you have one. This is an exclusive opportunity for you.
41:26 Speaker 01 Ooh.
41:27 Speaker 02 Josie's like, why do you want a hot plate now? We only have a month left.
41:31 Speaker 01 Right.
41:31 Speaker 02 And Tim gets a little shy before finally telling her that he started dating one of the bartenders.
41:37 Speaker 01 Uh huh.
41:37 Speaker 02 And she really wants a hot plate and Tim wants to impress her. So do you help Tim slash yourself? Do you trade the hot plate?
41:46 Speaker 01 Oof. This is a hard one because one, I've been led to believe that relationships on this beautiful ship are short-lived and filled with animosity. So I would be more happy to trade Tim himself, the hot plate for Xanax than I am to give it to a bartender, right? Like, I'm like, mm, what I don't want is for my hot plate to just be gone. In theory, I would like to be able to get my hot plate back in the future with another illicit trade. I don't love it, but Mira sounds really fucking annoying.
42:19 Speaker 02 Yeah, Josie likes the idea of this trade. She wants to keep her hot plate because it allows her to avoid her coworkers and stay in her room.
42:26 Speaker 01 Right.
42:26 Speaker 02 But the benefit of drugs is that they allow her to avoid her coworkers and stay in her room.
42:31 Speaker 01 Yeah, yeah. Both great points.
42:34 Speaker 02 So Josie's like, wait a minute. I have a brilliant idea. I'll trade my extra hot plate.
42:40 Speaker 01 Oh, no. Oh, my God. I don't know. This is not gonna go well.
42:46 Speaker 02 So Josie texts Mira. I'm so sorry to do this. I need my spare hot plate back. My current one literally just kind of exploded.
42:56 Speaker 01 Oh, my God. I can't. Oh, this is such a bad idea. This is so bad. Like, that hot plate is not coming back, girl. Like, you traded it for something. The edibles are gone. So you need to trade her something else to get the hot plate back.
43:11 Speaker 02 Exactly. But the thing is, Mira texts her back. And she's like, sure. Do you need it now? Josie responds, no, I'll get it later. And Josie's like, success. I'm getting my hot plate back. But the thing is, Mira doesn't want to give the hot plate back. And that becomes abundantly obvious because Mira starts avoiding Josie.
43:43 Speaker 03 This show is supported by Odoo. When you buy business software from lots of vendors, the costs add up and it gets complicated and confusing. Odoo solves this. It's a single company that sells a suite of enterprise apps that handles everything from accounting to inventory to sales. Odoo is all connected on a single platform in a simple and affordable way. You can save money without missing out on the features you need. Check out Odoo at O D O O dot com. That's O D O O dot com.
44:26 Speaker 02 Things start to get messy. Josie starts texting Mira every day. Hey, can you bring me my hot plate? Hey, I'm here for the hot plate. Hey, do you see yourself giving me my hot plate back?
44:40 Speaker 01 Uh oh.
44:42 Speaker 02 Mira's responses are always like, sorry, not in my room. Whoops, fell asleep. Couldn't Mira just explain why she wants to keep the hot plate? Yes, but the thing is Mira's 23, she's conflict avoidant, and she's just as stubborn as Josie.
44:57 Speaker 01 And she's the star.
44:59 Speaker 02 And she's the star. One day Josie gets tired of the runaround and Tim, the AV guy, gives her a two day warning. He knows Mira also has a hot plate.
45:08 Speaker 01 Uh oh.
45:09 Speaker 02 He also knows Mira likes drugs.
45:12 Speaker 01 Yeah.
45:13 Speaker 02 And he doesn't particularly care whose hot plate he gets. He texts Josie like, listen, I can just trade with Mira.
45:20 Speaker 01 Uh oh.
45:21 Speaker 02 Josie obviously doesn't want that, and she can't explain to Mira why she wants the hot plate so bad, because then Mira will get the Xanass.
45:28 Speaker 01 Right.
45:29 Speaker 02 And remember, Josie's been dealing with a bunch of 20 year old theater kids for almost a year now on a tin can of recycled air. She is so fucking tired of hearing about kinky boots, of managing egos that have been inflated by the praise of rich and drunk cruise ship passengers. She is tired of arriving at a new port and hearing the loud, loud horns announcing the boat has arrived. Our girl needs a break so she doesn't lose it. So finally, one day Josie just goes to Mira's room. Mira's leaving for lunch. Josie asks for her hot plate back again, and Mira's adamant that it's hers. Do you remember exactly what Josie told Mira about the hot plate? If it was a loan or gift situation?
46:11 Speaker 01 Ooh, no. I can barely remember if it was like a trade or if it was a gift. My instinct is that with someone like Mira, it doesn't matter. Like, your memory isn't a video recorder. You can't like be like run the fucking tapes back. Like, this isn't reality television. So like, you have to kind of go off what each person remembers, which means you're gonna have a different version of events.
46:34 Speaker 02 Well, luckily, they do have some receipts.
46:37 Speaker 01 Oh.
46:37 Speaker 02 AKA texts.
46:39 Speaker 01 Ooh.
46:40 Speaker 02 So the two of them pull up their phones. Remember, it's been eight months. Apple hasn't introduced the search function for text messages yet. So it's just a lot of scrolling and tense silence.
46:53 Speaker 01 You're scrolling past a lot of messages that are like, gonna be five minutes late.
46:57 Speaker 02 Where's my hot plate?
47:01 Speaker 02 So they're scrolling, it's silent, it's tense. But then, finally, they find the text. The exact text read, surprise, I've got a hot plate to give you.
47:14 Speaker 01 Ah, huh.
47:16 Speaker 02 So Josie clearly used the word give. And the thing is, now Josie is really pissed because she's also embarrassed.
47:25 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:26 Speaker 02 And she's also looking at that fucking angel of music decal on Mira's door.
47:33 Speaker 02 And something inside her just snaps. And she starts to squeeze by like she's gonna go into Mira's cabin. And Mira blocks the door and is like, what the fuck?
47:42 Speaker 01 Yeah.
47:43 Speaker 02 She's like, I'm late for lunch, we can talk about this later, but it is my hot plate. Mira shuts the door, walks away, leaving Josie standing there, looking at the angel of music.
47:55 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
47:57 Speaker 02 And at this point, Josie actually doesn't care that much about the Xanax. Like, it'd be nice to have, but her need to be right is driving her insane, along with 10 months of repressed irritation.
48:10 Speaker 01 Hmm.
48:11 Speaker 02 It's giving, like, Betty Davis and Joan Crawford.
48:14 Speaker 01 Yeah, no, it is, that kind of like stubborn, you know, two bulls running at each other problem. And like, I don't know, I saw this coming, I saw it coming. You can't, you can't be reasonable if both of you are stubborn. You're in trouble.
48:30 Speaker 02 Have you ever been in a situation like this where it's not actually about like the hot plate at hand, but about just like something bigger? It's just all building towards something and you start hyper focusing on something?
48:41 Speaker 01 Yeah, I have a little sister. It's like the entire process of having a sister is being like, well, actually, I stole these jeans because of, you know, something you said to me eight years ago that has haunted me in my sleep. And I hope it makes you cry, right?
48:58 Speaker 02 Exactly. And at this point, Josie is basically like, call me fucking Ishmael. Like, she is possessed by the need to get the hot plate. She is contemplating a heist, she's gonna Ocean's Eleven this hot plate. She's creating a plan, she is ski me.
49:15 Speaker 01 She's like Tim Dear blueprints of the ship, right?
49:18 Speaker 02 Exactly.
49:20 Speaker 02 But in the middle of her scheming, Josie gets called into the office of the ship's captain.
49:24 Speaker 01 No.
49:25 Speaker 02 And because the ship is so big, there are five of them.
49:27 Speaker 01 Five captains?
49:29 Speaker 02 Mm hmm. One of them is known by the staff as Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow, because no one's ever seen him sober.
49:38 Speaker 01 Okay. Okay. Triangle of sadness.
49:41 Speaker 02 It's Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow who tells Josie, hey, the drinks are gonna be serving. It's tonight's performance will be doubles.
49:48 Speaker 01 What?
49:48 Speaker 02 People are gonna be rowdy. It needs to be a good show. Josie's like, okay, first of all, it's always a good show. Fuck you. Second of all, what's going on? And Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow is like, it's none of your business.
50:02 Speaker 01 Oh, absolutely not. It's none of my business. You brought me in here. You're gonna give me a drunk, rowdy crowd. You made it my business. You could have just served doubles and not told me.
50:12 Speaker 02 Josie rolls her eyes. She is used to this. She does some recon of her own before the dinnertime show and finds out from some of the navigational crew that the ship is heading into a really strong windstorm.
50:26 Speaker 01 No, no, no. Mm hmm. I just remembered that you said the word Titanic twice at the top of this episode, and now I'm filled with terror.
50:36 Speaker 02 Okay, so Josie's experienced this before, so she's not that worried. Kelsey, are you worried?
50:40 Speaker 01 I'm so stressed. I'm like, super stressed. Uh, the, literally the only thing I can think of that's positive here is that probably you die pretty fast because like the water is deep and cold. Um, that's, no, absolutely not. I also am like, you have a bunch of like people with a lot of money on this ship. So like, they are not gonna behave well in an emergency.
51:02 Speaker 02 No, they don't take instruction well.
51:04 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
51:06 Speaker 02 And the thing is, every single year, a bunch of passengers get on board and they ask if there's a chance of a Titanic like event happening. And Josie has to be like, no, the Titanic happened because of a series of human errors, not the ship being bad. Also, it's been 100 years. Get a new reference.
51:23 Speaker 01 Yes.
51:24 Speaker 02 These questions only intensify when there's a storm. So Josie actually doesn't mind everyone being drunk at the show. In fact, it makes her life easier and the tips are better.
51:33 Speaker 01 Okay.
51:35 Speaker 02 And the thing is, that night show actually goes fine. Like, the storm's not as bad as expected. It's like a little rocky, but everyone's too drunk to notice. It's like when the pilot of the airplane is like, there'll be turbulence. And then it's like, just a little bit. And you're like, oh, nice. Again, everyone's too drunk to notice, but not Josie, who's painfully sober. And who is noticing that Mira is acting really fucking squirrely. She's keeping her room key in her bra. She's whispering with her little 20-something friends. Her solos are longer than ever.
52:10 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
52:12 Speaker 02 Josie's had enough.
52:13 Speaker 01 Get this Mariah Carey wannabe off this fucking stage.
52:17 Speaker 02 It's giving glitter. So the next day, the storm dies down. And around noon, there's an announcement over the intercom. They've reached the Antarctica passport point.
52:26 Speaker 01 What?
52:27 Speaker 02 This is where passengers get off the ship to get their passport stamped to show they've been to Antarctica, which is a big reason why people go on these cruises. There are some really cute science buildings. I do support scientific research in Antarctica, but that's it. They're also penguins.
52:41 Speaker 01 Okay, okay.
52:42 Speaker 02 All of the passengers get off the ship to go look around. And a lot of the crew does too, because this is the last Antarctica disembarkment of the contract.
52:52 Speaker 01 Yeah.
52:52 Speaker 02 A lot of the performers who usually just skip this are like, it's my last time to do this. I should do this. It's like seeing the Eiffel Tower on your last day in Paris. You're just like, let me, let me do this thing.
53:03 Speaker 01 Let me just say goodbye to the penguins.
53:05 Speaker 02 Yeah, exactly. Josie's been there, done that. She spots Mira leaving with her huge Canada Goose jacket.
53:11 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
53:12 Speaker 02 And she's like, heist time, baby.
53:16 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
53:17 Speaker 02 If you were to try to pull off a heist at high sea, how would you do it?
53:23 Speaker 01 Okay, so the boat is docked.
53:25 Speaker 02 Yes.
53:26 Speaker 01 Most of the crew is off the ship because they are on a journey to get their passports stamped to see penguins. And I need to get into Mira's room. Mira's key is in her bra, so I can't pickpocket it from her unless I'm willing to do some truly deranged things.
53:45 Speaker 02 And you're her boss.
53:46 Speaker 01 I'm her boss. Yeah, that's important. I forgot that. Other people have room keys in general. I assume janitors would have like some kind of universal key and janitors, it feels like at this point, you might be friends with one. So you could maybe just gab it up and lift those keys. I think that is my move. I'm stealing someone's keys.
54:07 Speaker 02 That's a good plan. Josie also has a plan and she knows Mira's been really anal about keeping her keys on her person, but she also knows Mira's roommate.
54:16 Speaker 01 Oh, ho ho.
54:18 Speaker 02 And the thing about Mira's roommate is that they're really sweet, but they're a little forgetful. They're always leaving their keys in random spots. Like one time they were found in the staff fridge.
54:30 Speaker 01 What?
54:31 Speaker 02 But what that means is that this roommate has learned to keep a spare key hidden in the crew mess hall.
54:37 Speaker 01 Ah ha.
54:38 Speaker 02 So all Josie has to do is find it. She's rifling through drawers, opening cabinets, looking at windows to see how long she has, when she hears yelling.
54:50 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
54:52 Speaker 02 Josie runs out onto one of the decks to see what's going on and sees some of the crew running off the ship.
54:57 Speaker 01 Uh, no, no, no.
54:59 Speaker 02 She thinks, that's not good.
55:01 Speaker 01 Yeah.
55:02 Speaker 02 Turns out a massive Antarctic wind is heading towards them. Now again, Josie's experience, she's seen this shit, but she hasn't seen this particular shit. They've never had to bring the guests back on board.
55:16 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
55:18 Speaker 02 So Josie immediately forgets her heist. She might be experiencing hot plate derangement, but she is a professional.
55:24 Speaker 01 Right.
55:24 Speaker 02 So she starts helping direct passengers back onto the boat.
55:28 Speaker 01 Okay.
55:28 Speaker 02 She is keeping calm, but internally she's freaking out a bit.
55:31 Speaker 01 Yeah.
55:32 Speaker 02 And for good reason, because as soon as they manage to get all the passengers back onto the boat, they're hit by the strongest wind Josie has ever experienced.
55:42 Speaker 01 No, no, no, no, no.
55:43 Speaker 02 The ship is rocking. Remember, it's six levels. Imagine a six story building being knocked around by gale force winds. The wind is bringing ice and snow. It just keeps going and going. It's been blowing for over 15 minutes. When Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow makes an announcement over there.
56:03 Speaker 01 No.
56:04 Speaker 02 And this is when Josie starts getting really scared because for the first time since Josie met him, Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow sounds sober.
56:14 Speaker 01 Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
56:20 Speaker 02 He announces that the special insulated engine had to go into overdrive to keep the ship in place while they're being blown around.
56:29 Speaker 01 Jesus.
56:30 Speaker 02 Because it's such a special state of the art insulated engine, it completely overheated and had to be shut down.
56:36 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
56:37 Speaker 02 Before it caught on fire and exploded the ship.
56:39 Speaker 01 Oh, perfect. Great. You know what? I think it's time to deboard. The scientists seem like they probably have a nice little house that is not on the water. And I'm gonna be going there and I'm gonna be saying hello, thank you so much for your service to the National Sciences. Please, can I come in?
56:56 Speaker 02 So the crew manages to shut down the engine before it explodes.
56:59 Speaker 01 Okay, great.
57:00 Speaker 02 So the exploding cruise ship crisis averted. But the wind is still blowing and now it's blowing the ship towards an iceberg.
57:11 Speaker 01 No.
57:12 Speaker 02 To prepare to sink, Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow asked everyone to go to the top level of the ship.
57:18 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
57:20 Speaker 02 Josie makes her way up. She's climbing the last flight of stairs when she hears something other than the panicked chatter of the guests who are, of course, talking about the fucking Titanic.
57:30 Speaker 01 Yes, obviously.
57:32 Speaker 02 As Josie finally makes it up to the top deck, she hears music.
57:37 Speaker 01 No.
57:38 Speaker 02 Specifically singing.
57:41 Speaker 01 Come on, man.
57:42 Speaker 02 It's a little pitchy, which can mean only one thing.
57:47 Speaker 01 Mira.
57:47 Speaker 02 Mira, on the top level of the ship, Mira is holding a one-woman show. She is the star of Iceberg the Musical.
57:56 Speaker 01 We'll go down with this ship.
57:59 Speaker 02 She's singing, "My Heart Will Go On."
58:03 Speaker 01 Oh, my god.
58:05 Speaker 02 Just absolutely belting. What do you do?
58:10 Speaker 01 Well, death is imminent, so.
58:15 Speaker 01 Mira is no longer my problem. The doctors are no longer my problem. I'm going to wherever Captain Jack Sparrow is because I believe that he probably has a separate lifeboat for him. And I'll be there. I'm not, I'm not doing any of this shit.
58:31 Speaker 02 Yeah, yeah. The entire crew was trying to get her to shut the fuck up. The guests are really confused and scared. Mira has this like beatific expression of Mother Teresa as she transitions into nearer my God to the
58:47 Speaker 01 Oh my God.
58:49 Speaker 02 It is so clear that she thinks she's saving the day. And Josie is just silently promising herself that she is never going on another fucking cruise ever again. Just then, the ship makes contact with the iceberg.
59:05 Speaker 01 No, no.
59:06 Speaker 02 Everyone screams.
59:07 Speaker 01 Yes.
59:09 Speaker 02 Mira actually stops singing for a moment.
59:12 Speaker 01 Okay.
59:13 Speaker 02 Josie's looking at the ice floes around them, trying to figure out which one of them looks the most stable.
59:19 Speaker 01 Oh my God.
59:20 Speaker 02 Just in case.
59:20 Speaker 01 Absolutely not.
59:22 Speaker 02 But then the engine turns back on.
59:26 Speaker 02 The captains manage to swerve away from the iceberg. Everyone's cheering as it gets further away. Mira opens her mouth to begin singing again, and Josie briefly considers tackling her. But luckily, they're interrupted. Over the intercom, Captain Jack Morgan Sparrow announces that while they avoided a full collision with the iceberg, the engine was damaged from nearly overheating and needs to be serviced.
59:52 Speaker 01 Perfect. Perfect. This is like when you're on a plane and they're, and you pull out from the gate and then they're like, I'm so sorry y'all, we're gonna have to go back to the gate. It's like, no, no, no. Just take off.
1:00:06 Speaker 02 We're almost at the end of the story. How are you feeling? Whose side are you on?
1:00:10 Speaker 01 My body hurts.
1:00:13 Speaker 01 I feel really stressed.
1:00:17 Speaker 01 Everyone is a nightmare on this ship, including this ship.
1:00:22 Speaker 01 I guess I'm on Tim's side. He doesn't seem to have done anything wrong. And he seems really good at smuggling stuff, which to me is a benefit in a person. I don't think I can be on Mira or Josie's side at this point because I'm like, you're both making me crazy.
1:00:40 Speaker 02 That's really fair. The ship manages to make it back to Santiago without any extra shit happening and the engine is serviced.
1:00:48 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
1:00:51 Speaker 02 The company doesn't even refund any of the passengers. Instead, they get comped a few extra days in Santiago. Having had a near death experience, Josie no longer feels like beefing with a 23 year old.
1:01:02 Speaker 01 Yes.
1:01:02 Speaker 02 Instead, she goes to Tim and says, here's some money. Buy me Xanax in Santiago.
1:01:07 Speaker 01 Nice.
1:01:11 Speaker 02 She makes it back stateside safely sedated. And Mira never asked her why she stopped asking for the hot plate because Mira's been distracted.
1:01:22 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
1:01:23 Speaker 02 Among the many doctors on this cruise.
1:01:25 Speaker 01 Oh, no.
1:01:26 Speaker 02 Was the owner of the cabaret in Topeka.
1:01:30 Speaker 01 No.
1:01:31 Speaker 02 Who loved Mira's performance.
1:01:33 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
1:01:35 Speaker 02 And wants to build a Titanic themed show around her.
1:01:38 Speaker 01 Oh, my God.
1:01:39 Speaker 02 Josie's sufficiently Xanned out that she's happy for Mira.
1:01:42 Speaker 01 I'm so happy for her.
1:01:44 Speaker 02 Josie has also recognized that she was perhaps driven a little mad by eight years at sea.
1:01:49 Speaker 01 Yeah.
1:01:50 Speaker 02 My final update for you is that Josie actually followed through this time and does not renew her cruise contract. After a few months on land, she accepts a job at Disney World and never gets on a cruise ever again.
1:02:02 Speaker 01 Wow, I'm so happy for her. She, you know what? Actually, everyone kind of got what they wanted in this story. Tim got money.
1:02:09 Speaker 02 Exactly.
1:02:10 Speaker 01 Josie stops being on a cruise, which is hell, and entered a different kind of cruise, which is Disney World. And Mira gets to be the star. Like, she will be the biggest star in Topeka. I believe in her.
1:02:23 Speaker 02 Same.
1:02:23 Speaker 01 Wow.
1:02:24 Speaker 02 That's the story, Kelsey. That's the gossip. How do you feel?
1:02:28 Speaker 01 I feel great. I'm so proud of you. This was so good. I loved it. Very, very stressful inside my body. I will not be getting on a cruise anytime soon.
1:02:44 Speaker 02 This podcast was hosted by me, Rachel Hampton. It was produced by Sierra Spragley-Ritz, Alex SuJong Laughlin, and Jay Tolviera. The co-creators and Dowager queens of Normal Gossip are Alex SuJong Laughlin and Kelsey McKinney. Justin Ellis is Defector's project editor. Jasper Wang and Sean Kuhn are Defector's business guys. Alex SuJong Laughlin is Defector's supervising producer. Tom Lay is our editor in chief. Abigail Segel is our intern. Dan McQuaid runs our merch store, which you can find at normalgossip.store. Tara Jacoby designed our show art. Thank you to Brandy Jensen, Sabrina Embler, Dave McKenna, Chris
1:03:22 Speaker 02 Thompson, Heather Chin, Ray Rado, David Roth, Catherine Xu, Jasper Wang, Israel Daramola, and Patrick Redford for all of your help on the season. And thank you to the rest of the Defector staff. Defector Media is a collectively owned, subscriber-based media company, and Normal Gossip is a proud member of Radiotopia. I'm Rachel Hampton, and remember, you did not hear this from me.
Previous Family Lore Drop with Hrishikesh Hirway Next Holiday Bonus: Caked Up Spirit of Christmas Page updated November 7, 2026 · transcript and summary are machine-generated